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[dfvgvghbgyv]

just having one of those crisis of ‘how am i 21 and still not in a relationship’ minor breakdowns

where do people even meet eachother i don’t understand why does tinder exist i cant trust anyone

[dfvgvghbgyv]

its so much effort to keep up cheery conversation and if its not that then it’s speaking about you which i dont mind i dont want you to be upset i am so glad you can come to me with these things but anytime i mention something to do with me it gets ignored and i can’t understand why and i am just screaming inside i dont know what to do

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i literally cannot express how much it upset me that people didn’t wish me a happy birthday this year like ok cool i dont expect anything and i certainly don’t give to recieve but when people you’ve known for so long cant even be bothered to write down 2 words which takes minimal effort after you went out of your way for their birthday then whats the point

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i used to spend days like this in shorts sat outside reading but i don’t want to go outside i just can’t and i don’t know what to do with myself

[dfvgvghbgyv]

its so difficult i just need someone to talk to without having to bring it up myself which is never going to happen

and i’m so heartbroken by what i wrote on here last night but whats even worse is that i missed out so many things imagine how much longer it would of been why am i like this

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i don’t know how i can tell anyone how i feel without it sounding like i’m attention seeking like i for sure know that nobody really cares that much about me and wants to speak to me and shit like my birthday just goes to show that how other people are just so much more important and im not saying that i’m the most important perosn in the world or that anyone should prioritise me because im not important but it just sucks that i dont have anyone that cares enough.

I can’t sit and say that ‘nobody cares’ because it looks like im attention seeking and if i say that ‘i’ve convinced myself nobody cares’ it incinuates that i know deep down that people really do care, and in a way i do know that but it’s just so hard to believe that right now.

I feel so alone and i’m in such an awful place for so many different reasons that i just need someone to talk to without burdening them with shit that everyone else is probably going through and gets on with anyway

i hate myself, all i can think about is that i need to stop eating and that thats the only way i can look a certain way again and i’m constantly punishing myself for eating and when i feel shit i eat more and feel worse for it because i’ll tell myself how useless and worthless i am because i can’t even do something so simple as not eat

i cant stand to look at myself in the mirror, i dont feel like thats me in the reflection, i hate the way clothes look on me, i hate shopping for new clothes because i dont want to look like this and to be honest i dont even want to leave the house because i dont want anyone to see me like thisi have all these images in my head of who i am and clothes i would like to wear and things i would like to do but what i really look like doesnt match that and i feel constantly aware and self conscious and i am judging myself and can’t bear the thought that the way i really look is what other people are seeing.

I also hate working and i hate being at home and its so hard to find a balance because i’m trying to spend my days at home well getting up early and looking after myself but theres so much time to fill and i dont want to leave the house and it spirals down, I hate being at work because it makes me so tired and i don;t feel like a person anymore but at least if i’m working i’m not at home spiralling or eating, but i need the time at home to recover from being at work. I’m so so so tired all the time when i’m not doing anything i just cant cope with working all the time and the days leading up to going into work fill me with so much dread and anxiety

i’m stick in this job and im so scared because i keep agreeing to more hours and telling them and myself that its only temporary and even though i was offered an interview they never got back to me and i feel like thats my fault and im never going to find something i want to do and nowhere will want to hire me anyway so i dont know what to do

being at home can be so awful dad’s current obsession is about how many calories he is consuming and he HAS to announce the amount of calories in whatever it is i’m eating all the time and he comments abuot what food he’s avoiding and how little he’s eaten and its so heartbreaking to hear because its not healthy and he doesnt understand how hard it is for me to listen to because it constantly reinforces all these things i’d tried to push away and avoid and i feel like i’m right back as 15 year old me except this time it’s not just me telling myself i need to eat less and how overweight i am. the constant suggestions of excersise i should do and the lack of understanding when i say i couldnt possibly put myself in that situation and i just need to ‘get over it’

i opened up to mum a little about my worries of spiralling back into old habits, and explained to her about how it built up before. shes constantly urging me to eat healthily and go on a diet, even saying she needs to herself to make it less bad that shes picking on me about it. i told her to the point that when i stopped eating that started as ‘healthy earing’ for a few months which evolved into restricted eating which eventually resulted in not eating at all and she remembers it so clearly and said she’d speak to dad about not mentioning calories all the time etc and she said shed help me with food because her cooking will be healthy anyway. but half the time shes buying all these shit treats and cooking unhealthy dinners, the on the other hand i’ve started to make sure all my dinner portions are extremely small and she’s even started to give me tiny portions and hasnt said anything about it and im probably being paranoid but im so so so worried that now she knows how it started before that shes encouraging it which cant be true but its such a coincidence that after i tell her all this the portion sizes change and the worry that i’m not eating enough has stopped.

and on top of this i’m poor as fuck so have no money to buy myself things or to see my friends even though they’re all busy anyway and i really want a cat because i miss having one so so much it helps so much with feeling lonely and its so lame that thats something thats upsetting me but i can’t stand any of it anymore and something so small as having a cat would just help so so much

[dfvgvghbgyv]

fuck right off you cant tell me ow i felt those fuckin pills were awful but dont you think there were reasons i was crying?? definitely wasnt crying for no reason. I wasn’t storming off the same way victoria does throwing shit around the room I was calmly leaving the room for 10 minutes so that I wouldnt be sat crying in front of everyone. Surely the fact I was so upset was an indicator that SOMETHING IS WRONG not just some shitty pills i’d been taking.

It didn’t help that I felt like shit anyway, I had all the usual shit that I usually bottle up and get on with combined with all the stress and shit being thrown at me tipping me over the edge and who knows it might of been the pills that were sending me ‘manic’ but perhaps I would of been upset and awful anyway because I felt SO fuckin shit

AND I STLL FEEL SHIT and I still feel like i could cry all the time, difference is I don’t have these extra things tipping me over the edge until you come in and tell me problems as if they’re my fault and then basically sit there and have a go at me for 10 minutes about how I shouldn’t of been on those pills. I always take on other peoples problems and worry about everyone else before myself which builds up on top of all the beating down i give myself and it’s too much and perhaps those pills bringing to the surface the shit that I bottle up wasn’t such a bad thing.

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i’ve felt stupid all week and i hate being talked down to as if i don’t know what i’m doing and being ignored is the absolute worst and of course i don’t have a brain of my own i can only dictate what other people have told me to say or write because i’m so stupid that i cant think of things for myself and nope voicing a concern about something is a bad idea because you’ll only get attacked as if you’re dumb rather than explained to like you’re on the same level

[dfvgvghbgyv]

every time theres something wrong you tell me i the way that makes it seem as though it’s my fault and i know that shits up and you need to deal with it and vent to me but its legit not cool to have a go at me about whatever’s wrong because then i’m sat here feeling as though it’s me thats made you feel this way

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i wonder what would happen if i just never gave my work back in and didnt go out the house for the rest of the week all the shit that would happen

i wish i didn’t have to do this week

i just need to sleep and nothing bad can happen then

[dfvgvghbgyv]

why cant i stop crying ffs 

what have i even done to get such shit karma just another fucking problem to add to the list except this is the problem that tips the boat and now my anxiety has skyrocketed and idek if its even anxiety anymore all i know is i cant stop crying 

and everyone else has a list of problems too except i’m being spoken to as if im the only one without problems

everyone else’s problem is another one added to my own because i get so worried about them and then i go and upset people and worry about that and worry about what they’re saying about me because of it and that i might of said things i don’t even remember and i’m worrying whether theyre even true or not or am i going mad not knowing what i’ve even said

i just cant deal with this i was shit enough as it is i hate myself so much and now i’m a fuck up in everything else too

[dfvgvghbgyv]

shit fucking paranoid a f nobody likes me or wants to be friends with me lol and im gross as hell

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i just feel so shit nobodys seemed to notice or care, i'm not looking for attention fuck that its just shit that i dont have anyone thats even concerned or even bothers to message me or want to spend time with me i feel so alone and dont want to be left on my own this weekend

[dfvgvghbgyv]

lol idk why anyone would want to bother about me anyway 

[dfvgvghbgyv]

also everyone proper hates me still i thought i was being paranoid but nope i fucking take over everything 

like that was literally one of the worst days i’d ever had i shouldnt of even stayed in uni but i stayed in because i didnt want to let people down literally you see your friends are struggling and upset so you help them and then months later they decide i took over, all i wanted to do that day was hide and cry so idek how i would of had a loud enough voice to be able to take over anything wtf  like ok wot evs i wont put myself out to help you because everythings my fault

its all shit anyway 

i spent all of yesterday crying i literally could not stop being told that you’re close friends are speaking about you and feeling disbelieved like i was struggling and to be told ‘i know what you’re like’ and then the entire day nothing felt right and i’d convinced myself that something really really bad had happened and when i hadn’t heard form anyone for hours i managed to convince myself i must of caused something bad to happen 

and now i’m just in bed crying again lol because i’m so unhappy with myself i hate myself so much anyway its so nice that other people hate me too

[dfvgvghbgyv]

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THIS BODY

FUCK FUCK 

[dfvgvghbgyv]

i am v shaky and tired and disorientated there are lots of words going around my head and i cant sleep

why cant u just be smaller this wouldnt happen????