diaryofbunnie

[diaryofbunnie]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. A lot has happened. I don’t know where to start..

Mom, My stepdad, and my youngest sister came up for Thanksgiving. They brought Titty (their boy cat) with them. It was really nice. Sadly they left late that night. We found Salem dead (he had been missing for about 10 or more days) that night. Then I chipped one of my teeth bitting into a piece of ham. Needless to say, it was a good day but a bad night. I missed them so much when they left. Hell.. I always miss them. I miss my family more than anything right now.

On another note, I’m feeling more jealous and such. It’s weird. Dante is talking to his female friend most of the days. It’s nothing between them sexual. It’s about random stuff and their old rp characters. I don’t like it, but Dante says I should be fine with it and that my anxiety medicine helps me be less jealous. ... it doesn’t. I’m just able to hide it a little more and control myself a bit more. If that makes sense. ... the best way to say it is I can rationalize with myself what they talk about more when I’m on my medicine. However, I really don’t like it still. I feel as though my feelings about it are pushed aside. That they don’t matter. Yes they stopped talking about their rp characters sexual stuff together. But I’m still not comfortable with it. It kills me sometimes how he will be sitting there smiling and or laughing and all happy when messaging her. Then he looks up at me to say something and that smile just disappears. Now, don’t get me wrong.. there are a lot of times when me and him joke and laugh and have a great time. I’m also not comfortable with him talking to another woman from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep most days.. We have talked about it a few times. He always just seems so annoyed when I mention her and just brushes off my feelings about it that it seems like there is no point at all in even bringing it up. It’s not all him. I could continue to let him know in detail how all of this effects me, but I don’t. I don’t let him know that it feels like he is brushing off my feelings. I’m working on being better about this. I’m also trying to get better at the jealousy thing, and make more jokes so I’m comfortable with it more. Due to this he is not really in the wrong because once he brushes off my feelings (I’m 100% sure he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing, and he’s not meaning to do that) I just stop it there. I don’t mention it again for a while. I trust him 100% I just don’t trust her. I would like to think if she mentions the type of stuff I’m uncomfortable with he just steers the conversation from it. I’m certain he would do that. He truly is a great guy, just he’s oblivious sometimes to those types of things..

Just a lot of stupid junk going on. Christmas was bad. I hate to admit it but it was bad. Partly good. Had good parts in it. But I was really sick. We don’t have money so bad time for presents. Dante did get me amazing gifts and I’m really happy with what he managed to find me in the short time spand and small amount of money I had to loan him (I owed him money anyways so it evened out as me paying him back in my eyes) however we had good food. But my family wasn’t able to come.. I miss them so much. I wanted them to surprise me and be here. I wished it and wanted it with everything in me. However it wasn’t able to happen, and that’s okay. Not everything will work out perfectly, and it’s okay.

I miss my grandma so much.. I never knew what life would be like without her in it.. well to put it short.. it sucks. It sucks so fucking much. I wanna cry every time I see a damn snowman. I wanna just bawl my eyes out all day. I have finally started accepting she passed away and I am just dying on the inside. I wanna scream and shout and cry. I wanna die at times just so I can be with her. She is my best friend ever. The only person who fully understood me. And I feel ever so guilty for not being able to see her more and moving up here. I feel absolutely horrible. I’m disgusted with myself. I can’t even stand the thought. I’m a horrible person. I’m horrible. How could she be okay with that? How could anyone be okay with that? I hate myself for not being able to go see her. And I wanted to see her so bad. It was all I wanted. It truly was. I just couldn’t make it happen. And I regret it. I regret it so much. I regret not begging any family member to drive three hours here to get me then three hours back just so I could see her. I regret not trying to give out any amount of the little money I had to try to go see her. To bribe someone to take me. I can’t live with these thoughts. I can’t. I really really can’t. I now can only see her in my dreams.. it’s amazing though when I do see her there.. I was told it means they are visiting you. She must visit me a lot.. which I am very thankful for. Because she deserved much better of a granddaughter. I could’ve done so much better. And I wanna try and make it up to her but there isn’t any way I can. So I try to spend time with her in my dreams. No one around me knows I feel like this. I just keep saying I miss her but they don’t know how this missing her is eating away at me. And I just wanna scream and cry all the time because it’s not fair what happened to her. She tried so hard to fight cancer twice and everything she did for people. She did not deserve to die like that.

On top of this stuff there are horrible money issues.. ahaha.. I can never get away from money issues in life. Since day one there has been money issues in my life and it seems like there always will be. I don’t want this. I want dante to go out and Uber or something to make some extra money. I wanna beg him to do this. I’m stressed beyond reason thinking of how all these bills will be paid. My paycheck will only probably be $400 on the first of January.. then I’ll get another check on the 14th of January.. and I need $12,000 pretty much for January bills.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.. I’m really depressed about all of this.. I’m super anxious and stressed. Sometimes I think if I wasn’t alive it would be better for everyone.. but I know it wouldn’t.. I couldn’t do that to people, and I’m terrified of what the afterlife holds.. so I don’t do anything.. but I’m trying to get better at this, and understanding the causes of these thoughts so I can work on getting better.

Well.. it’s 1:23am now. I have to get up at 7:30am-ish to get up for work. Oh! I got a new job! That’s a story for another night. I’ll talk to you again a different day.. hopefully I won’t be gone for so long! Thank you for listening to all these rambles I’ve had tonight over the past few hours of my on and off typing.

[diaryofbunnie]

(Credit: unknown)

[diaryofbunnie]

(Credit: unknown)

[diaryofbunnie]

I think it was a miscarriage.. or my period. I don’t know. But on Tuesday I started spotting which quickly changed into a very heavy bleeding down there. Lots of big clots. And the bleeding stopped yesterday. I’ve only rarely had a period last a few days, but I know it’s not unheard of. It’s just so strange.

The night before, so Monday night, I did take 3 ibuprofens that also had a sleep aid in them. I had the worst headache I’ve had in a while and I couldn’t sleep at all. I looked them up and they are known to cause pregnancy complications and even miscarriages. I wonder if I did it to myself unknowingly. I can’t be certain, but I know all things happen for a reason.

I do know that most of the symptoms have stopped or at least are a lot less. My body isn’t as tired. I’m not nauseated all day now. My breasts aren’t tender anymore. The pain Did get really severe, however it stopped yesterday evening after I went to bed. I do have to stay on a heating pad most of the night and some in the day due to lower back pain and or cramps I’ve been having.

I can’t really talk about this to anyone except my mom. She is the one who said it could be a miscarriage when I mentioned the blood was heavier than just spotting. She also said that some women do spot very heavily and it’s mistaken for a miscarriage in pregnancy, and they have the baby fine (this happened to her). She’s been super supportive and nice about it all. She has been on stand by wanting to come get me to make sure I’m okay mentally and stuff.

Tiger was also supportive a lot. He didn’t think it was pregnancy at all really, just hormonal stuff. However he was very nice about my mood swings, and would get me things (like a $3 meal deal from McDonald’s when he went to the grocery store for me since I was hurting too much to go) to make me feel better. He would also bring me drinks when we woke up to make sure I got some drink in me, and made sure I took my medicines. He would also talk with me and take me on drives.

I really do love him. He’s my hero in this huge mess. Hell, he’s my hero all the time. I know I can be a bit difficult at times and he as well, but at the end of the day we are good. I think it helps that we will joke a lot and it will sound like mean things but it’s us joking and playing around. We do it because while it’s a joke it helps let off steam because we go back and forth, but we are both laughing. We never call each other actual mean things. It’ll be like “That’s why you look like a moogle” and moogles are so cute. Or one of us will say “omg do you ever stop talking? Just shut up” when the other person wasn’t saying anything at all. He knows I love jokes like that because my family did jokes like that and it reminds me of home. I don’t know how I’d get through all of this without him.

[diaryofbunnie]

I don’t know what to say or where to start for this one. I guess just from the beginning and going over everything I’m feeling?

So for the past week or so my sickness has gotten worse. I’m a lot more nauseous than I’ve been almost ever. I cannot keep anything down to save my life, I’m tired beyond recognition, feel like I’m gonna pass out constantly, very dizzy, my back aches, I’m getting random cramps, and my nipples are very sore.

Tiger told me to contact my doctor. Of course my doctor asked if I had taken a pregnancy test, and advised me to take one. That was Thursday night. Friday morning my doctor contacted me and said I could come in and take a test there if I would like. I woke up Tiger and we went immediately. The test was negative.

The doctor informed that it could be too early to see, so it could be a false negative, since it was a pee test, so he gave me another test to take on Sunday morning. He told me if that one is also negative then we will do a blood test. He said all the signs are pointing to pregnancy except the pregnancy test. However, he did say that it could also be just some crazy hormonal thing. For the mean time he informed me to stop taking all medications (except the inhaler that is used as needed), and he gave me some nausea medication to take. He also informed me to stay very hydrated. As much as I can.

I’m scared of all of this. I don’t know what I’ll do if any tests come back positive. But then again, I don’t know what I’d do if it’s some unknown crazy hormonal thing as that’s also very scary.

If it’s a baby, part of me wants to keep it and then part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me is screaming I’m not ready for a child. This isn’t the right time. I have my whole life ahead of me. Where would the baby even go with Tiger’s mom and brother living wuth us? Would the crib go in our room? There is so little space in there. In the game room? There isn’t any space in the game room. In the guest room? Tiger’s mom is staying there, then Tiger’s friend Bear is moving in to rent the room after she moves out. The living room? Tiger’s brother is staying in there, and he may stay after Tiger’s mom moves out. The dining room? Well that’s just tacky, but I could have most stuff there if Tiger’s mom’s stuff wasn’t there. What about the cats? We have five cats, then on top of them Tiger’s mom has a cat and dog, and then Tiger’s brother has a dog.

After all of this thinking. I looked out the window while doing some dishes and I saw tall sunflowers growing in the backyard. My grandmother hated sunflowers she said, but she had a few that where really tall that she grew and took pictures with. I felt like it was a sign from her. Saying it’s gonna be okay. I really hope it is.. but if it’s a baby then me and Tiger will have very big decisions to make.

[diaryofbunnie]

Yesterday was a very hard day.. we was at the mall (Tiger and I) and there was a shooting. A guy was shot in the altercation, and four other injured. One of the injured was a girl who was a bystander, she got shot in the knee. We all ran out of the mall so fast. I’m still a bit shaken up about it.. not sure how my mind should process it. Might post again about it later tonight.

[diaryofbunnie]

I go to the doctor in the morning to find out about health stuff to see if it’s getting better.. idk. I tried some of Tiger’s anxiety medicine yesterday and it could help with things mentally. Things in my head just seem so weird lately. I think I’m just depressed. Like it’s majorly bad.. yesterday’s discussion with Tiger’s mom did not help.

I tried to make myself feel better. Let my hair soak in some coconut oil for a few hours. Did a pore strip on my nose, then did a mud mask. Took a long shower. My body feels good now. However my mental state still doesn’t.

I’m excited for Halloween! I wanna make my chocolate cake, and do a little bit of white frosting on the side like spider webs. Then maybe put a few spider rings inside of it. I think that’s be super cool! I wish I could do a Halloween party and dress up and have fun. That would be so much fun.. I could try to make some spooky looking foods! Maybe even have a punch that’s soda free so I can actually drink it. Even do the ice cream stuff in it. Ahaha.. idk about that though. I’ve never made punch before. It’d be something to look into.

[diaryofbunnie]

***draft from last night I forgot to post***

I got into an argument with Tiger’s mom. It got ugly from her side towards the end. She brought up an idea of having the cats litter boxes in something that like hides away the littler box but has an opening for the cat to go in. I told her it was a good idea, but me and Tiger have already thought about stuff like that and decided not to. She asked why, I informed her again of that it’s the whole out of sight out of mind thing.

To narrow down the argument, it was then said that was an excuse for me and that I need to just get my priorities better because cleaning a litter box is a priority, not an out of sight out of mind thing.

I informed her that my mind does work different, but it’s great that hers lets her do that. (I have clinical depression, very forgetful even with reminders and lists and alarms, and horrible anxiety.) I informed her many times that not everyone’s mind is the same and works the same. Mine I cannot just say okay I’m gonna not be depressed, and get all my stuff done. Okay I’m gonna be able to pay attention to everything. But she was talking over me when I was saying this so she probably didn’t hear me. (With my mind everything has to be laid out for me to remember. Such as my medicine has to be laid out on my dresser along with my deodorant because I walk by it when I wake up to remind me that it needs to be done immediately. I have a sign in my bathroom that says brush your teeth. It’s not “I don’t have my priorities in the right order” it’s idk why but my mind just is very forgetful and I forget to do things even when I set alarms and reminders)

However. Things got worse in the arguement. She said all of that stuff is just being an adult. That I don’t do that stuff because I’m not wanting to be an adult. (I don’t have a problem with doing the stuff. I did them before she moved in with us. I just try to make it easier on me by having me see the things I’m supposed to do)

[diaryofbunnie]

(Credit: unknown)

[diaryofbunnie]

(Credit: unknown)

[diaryofbunnie]

Someone people will talk down on you, and be mean to you about stuff for no reason. Sometimes you’ll get into argue me ta trying to defend yourself, and you get so frustrated you have to walk away and they think they won. Sometimes they will raise their voice, or even yell thinking that they are right and have the upper hand on the disagreement. Even when you know 100% they are wrong.

It’ll be okay. Just walk away. It will literally take just a little more effort to fully walk away, but that will help you more mentally. Go to a quiet place. Write down your thoughts, even rant about it if you may. Take deep breaths and let them out very slow.

Afterwards you might feel drained, tired, sad, or upset still. That’s okay, and it’s very understandable. It will take a lot out of you mentally in disagreements that get out of hand. You can close your eyes and try to let the universe take the negative evenergy, purify it and then put it back. Continue to take those deep breaths we talked about earlier.

Just remember, it’ll be okay. Time will pass. You’ll most likely look on it and get minority aggravated, or upset, but it’ll be okay. Know that you can’t change the past. You gotta just do your best to move on from it and grow.

#its okay to be sad #it’s okay to ask for help #its okay to not be okay #it’s okay though #itsokaytotalk #itsokay #it’llbeokay

[diaryofbunnie]

So... I had a weird dream last night. Earlier my grandmother passed away, and I haven’t coped with it well. Hell.. you might even say she’s the whole thing that kept the family somewhat together. However, that’s a story for a different day.

I normally have really weird realistic dreams, and usually a lot of nightmares. And last night in my dream I was with my family at my grandmothers house, and we all knew she had passed away and we where having a dinner I think. Then I saw my grandmother standing a few feet away behind everyone. Her eyes where wide, almost bug eyed, and she stood completely still. Like if she didn’t wanna be noticed but was watching us all have a nice time. I then called out to her once and nothing happened. I think it’s because I was quiet. I called out again and then it was like she snapped out of some trance and was just so happy I saw her and was talking to her. I said I missed her, and she said it back. Then she asked if I wanted her to go and make me some hot chocolate and I said yes. (Normally she would always wake us up asking if we wanted her to make us some hot chocolate while she made her some coffee, or breakfast). Then I woke up shortly after she went to the kitchen. I was so confused when I woke up.

When I woke up the room was dark, and I swore I hard someone outside of my window messing with stuff. I checked all the cameras and no one was outside the house but I heard a noise in the back yard. I made sure the house was armed but I couldn’t get this feeling that I wasn’t the only one awake in the room (my boyfriend was asleep next to me). Also, leading up to this I kept waking up through the night and I just couldn’t sleep. I ended up having to go get some drink and a snack, before waking up my boyfriend and having him stay up with me for a bit before I could fall back asleep. Even then I fell asleep to a show on my phone to distract me from the looming feeling of someone else in the room.

[diaryofbunnie]

I feel very worried today. The other day my job contacted me and informed me that they couldn’t comply with the restrictions my doctor gave me. They said that the restrictions are unreasonable. I was told that last Friday or Thursday. The lady said she’d either call me this week or I’d get something in the mail this week to detail our next steps. I haven’t gotten anything..

I’m so worried I’m gonna be fired. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m broke as hell. Bills are coming up again and need to be paid.. I haven’t been paid for my short term disability either.. I gotta get my appeal letter sent out because my short term disability was denied. Then on top of all of this I’m so freaking sick.. I can’t even handle all of this it feels like some time. I can’t afford my medicine for asthma, to have my stomach looked at to see what’s wrong, my glasses, any extra doctor appointments.. I can’t afford any of it. I can’t even afford to go to the store and buy some cheap food.

I just wanna cry. I wanna cry all day and just stay in bed. My depression is through the roof. I wanna hide away and scream and cry. I’m only 22 and I have all these issues right now. I feel like I’m going crazy. No matter what I do nothing seems good enough and I just keep trying my hardest.

[diaryofbunnie]

I have this problem. Well I have many problems but I will focus on one right now. I don’t like talking about things when I get upset. It bothers me so much because I want to talk about it but I don’t want them to think I’m dumb for getting upset about an issue so I don’t talk about it.

I explain it as I don’t like confrontation.

It’s horrible when I try to explain it and people are just like “well that’s life” ... No it’s not. Life should not be making someone feel uncomfortable, or upset about something and then on top of that judging them for feeling that way and sometimes even arguing with them as to why they feel that way. That’s not right.

You should be able to feel comfortable and nice when telling someone “hey I didn’t really like that thing” and then be able to talk about it in a calm fashion. There shouldn’t be any arguing about why you felt a way. The bottom line is something made you feel this way and you need to figure out why. So talking about it is usually best.even if it’s little things.

Sometimes people have mental things going on in their head that may make or cause them to feel a certain way. That doesn’t mean their feelings on issues are any less valid than others. It just means you may need someone who is willing to help.. I’m glad I have someone who helps.

It’s really hard though.. I’m trying to work on getting better. I’m really trying. Maybe one day I’ll just be giving advice and help and not posting this in my diary. Thanks for listening. ❤️

[diaryofbunnie]

So I feel horrible today, with being out of work and everything going on I had to ask my mom to pay my phone bill. It made me feel like I’m not doing this right. The whole moving out and trying to make it thing. Lately everything feels like I can’t do it right. Sometimes I just wanna cry, like right now, because nothing has gone correct. I start to think maybe it was the wrong decision just up and randomly moving out. But, I have to keep telling myself everything happens for a reason. It was my time to leave. I can’t beat myself up over the past. But damn it seemed so simple then. Now I have these health issues, all these bills, I’m out of work, surviving by a prayer. It’s been over a year I’ve lived here now, three hours from all of my friends and family to live with Tiger. I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. All my “friends” Tiger likes to point out are so fake. I hardly talk to any of them now, and I miss them but it’s very different now. I see them for who they are. It hurts. I’m sitting here now in the hospital waiting on Tiger. He’s getting a holter monitor because of his health issues. I hope this start getting better soon. I don’t know how much more my mind can take before it just snaps. I don’t mean snap in a “I’m gonna go crazy and hurt people” kind of snap. I mean a “I’m gonna go into a depressive episode and probably just cry all the time” kind of snap. I don’t have anyone I can really talk to. I try to talk to Tiger, or mom or friends but I hate feelings like that’s all I talk about. It’s just very big important things going on right now.. and I know Tiger’s mom doesn’t like me. She lives with us and his brother too right now. That’s a whole different story.