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dirtthornberry · 11 months

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To all the people I’ve loved:

👩🏻 I love you. I don’t know why you hurt me but I know why you hurt me. You were a wonderful parent but a not-so-great mother. I was a difficult kid but I was a traumatized child. You were a stretched-thin mom but you were a naive adult. You taught me to stand up for myself and what I think is right, even if it was against you. You taught me that true love isn’t always pretty, but it is unconditional. I love you with it all.

👨🏻‍🦲 I love you the most daddy. I wish you had paid more attention to the important things & not just the little moments. But oh my god were those little moments everything. You were so excited to give me those binoculars & tell me about every bird, plant & bug & I didn’t really care to learn their names but I did for you because you were so happy I was interested. Now I want to know ALL of the names.

👱🏻‍♀️ I never hated you for it but it made it really hard to love you for a while; she did it to you so you didn’t know… I love you so so much now tho. Out of 11 sisters and 8 brothers, you’re the only one I was raised with. 7 years apart & you couldn’t stand me the moment you hit puberty. I ache for all the things that happened to you that weren’t noticed bc either mom & dad didn’t notice or bc I took up all the attention. You didn’t deserve any of the trauma. You never did.

🌊 you were my first best friend. I’m so glad you were placed with me & so grateful my mom would drive me the 45 minutes to come see you once you went back home. Every time I hear Ed Sheeran, I think of you. We’ve drifted apart and are different people now but you’ll always be my sister-from-another-mister. I’m sorry it went this way; Ik it didn’t have to.

👾 I was your first friend when you moved here but now we aren’t friends at all. What changed in those years we weren’t together? What made you so selfish and blind. There’s no question mark because I already know. Your childhood caught up to you in ways I don’t think you don’t even fully understand and you got defensive. I’m sorry but I have to put myself first. Like I said though: I will Always only wish the best for you.

🌸 I didn’t like you at first and I don’t even really know why. I’m so glad you didn’t care. I’m so glad you talked to me anyway. I don’t say this lightly but I probably would’ve ended it several times over if it’d wasn’t for you. I have all the confidence in you that you so sorely lack. I’m so sorry for what has happened to you but I love the person your circumstance produced, flaws and all. I miss you.

🥀 not addressing your trauma won’t heal it but you wouldn’t even know where to start. We’ve suffered from so many of the same things and it breaks my heart that we share the grief. I love that you always get back up & keep going. It’s the thing I admire about you the most. You’ll get there baby, I believe in you.

🍁 I hurt you really bad. You hurt me too. We keep hurting each other. But the love is so sweet. It’s tastes like honey and wine. We had an argument while I was at work that made my stomach churn and an employee told me she’d never thought an fight could be so healthy and honest. That felt so fucking good to hear. I could never have done it without you, I wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. I’m so excited to have the life we’ve talked so much about. 4 years in and I hope we have so many more.

🌿 you’ve come so far. Only we know how much we’ve been through but we’re here now. If I had told you that you’d actually have a pretty solid will to live by the time you turned 20, you would’ve laughed in my face & told me you don’t plan to be here that long. But look at you now!! Assistant Manager, getting paid $17.50 an hour, living in your own place with your own dogs and in the healthiest relationship of any kind you’ve ever been in with a man who loves you with his all. I’d say congrats but I know it’s not over yet and there will be many many hardships to come. Think of all the truly wonderful and amazing things we’re gonna come by too. We became the person we never thought we’d be able to be. I’m so proud.

🐾 for countless lifetimes of love and connection. If I gave you as much as you deserve, there would be no universe for us to exist in. Every single one, a few more closely than others, have saved my life. The entire basis for my will to live. For every single animal I’ve every encountered: Thank you for just existing. I love you.

🫥 I wish everyone else the best of luck. Truthfully. I love you. I might not know you but I’d love you anyway. Please remember to be grateful for all of the things, not just the good or the bad. You are the center of your own universe and I’m your biggest believer. Good luck in your travels. Have the best life.

💛💛💛

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