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i miss r*gressing with you so bad irs not like you did anything and probably didnt care or like it but i felt so much safer

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im pathetic i habe to look at your stupid blog for me and look at dates to convince myself you still give half a shit about me and im crying at the idea you even still love me god im pathetic

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im pathetic and i want to just kill myself right now i cant believe you kept me alive at one point

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im so sorry i couldnt be what you wanted again

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i cant believe i ever let you convince me you werent going to leave. every single time i tell them "just tell me youll stay and itll be worth the happiness i feel now even if its a lie" and i regret

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im scared ans ill probably forget how scared i was soon because im an easy to convince stupid little toy. im scared you are using me im scared youre jusy going to tell me youre not and it can all still be a lie im scared and i dont want to meet you im scared and indont wanna hand you my drink im scared and i wish you never knew all about me im

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i mean im incredibly afraid of you rn though so whatever

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people who actively hated me would respond to me every day.. jordan and my abuser who lived in a very different timezone. both who a sexually harrassed and they responded to me every day they talked to me why are uou leaving me alone

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not to be dramatic or anything but i replied to jordan when i was hanging out with mar for my own birthday but u cant talk to me all day when ur witb ur friend i AAHHJH

#I know itr stupid because youre moving so youre doing important busybstuff but #Mmmm i love how my importance to ppl sometimes rly only reaches so far it. sucks. #its like. really if we are pretwnding to have parental connection i should be your top priority i KNOW thats unreasonable as a 17 yea r.c o #i know circumstance makes EVERYTHING different but im still like #longing

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i felt a lot better that you unpromptedly told me you love and miss me yeah but the fact you didnt read up the gc at all for my attention seeking when you had the chance that sucks

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#all my stupid expectations are just gonna ruin his life like i ruined my resl moms

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#i never even needed a dad so why am i messed up now #just cause hed never give you a kiss on the lips like.. like a father #just cause he couldnt ever devote like his heart to you #its not like your real dad eved cared and you didnt cry about that once before except when he yelled right at you #and when you were scared #a lot of kids are unexpected unless its just my dumb fairytale that people love their unexpected kids #their teen family members dropped on them adter a tragedy or something #maybe its just my dumb dream that i could ever be his #little sunshine #or some stupid idiot shit like that #i wanna kill myself just considering im crying over it #hed never cry over you fucking get over it #youre almost an adult literally #even if you were related and he was forced to love you more he doesnt haveta express it hsrd or take care of you or dumbs hit #youre a fucking adult itd be expected for you to move on soon #to be moving on

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hell be gone soon and theres nothing you can do to stop him. he cant even resassure you right now

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and you wont even read that for a few weeks probably. you might forget i exist

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#the way i can literally smoke for the first tume all for his attention and not even get it #get absolutely nothing #no worse than nothing. get a couple words and no acknowlegement #can you give me something to latch onto for the rest of the time youll be gone #it hurts my chest #please just yell at me. that youre disappointed. that you thought better of me and youre only upset because you care and #and give me something to have purpose for until youre here again

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yes i probably will continue 2 bring up the thing i keep passing off as smthing i casually dont care about until u get it why do u ask am i annoying

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pwrhaps i should just not consider parts of me real which dont connect to music bc its everyhong to me like i dont have regress songs so maybe thats not real