do--the--bad--thing-blog

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

#inspo #about

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

#fc

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

Hurt her.

That’s what he should be doing. That’s what he was meant to do, what he had been fashioned and built to do. There should be no hesitation, he shouldn’t even have to blink but here he was shouting at her, crying and begging to her because perhaps he just wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. Twisted and corrupted yes but did he really have so little feeling in his heart? Was he really that cold and empty that he could look into the terrified eyes of a girl trying so hard to keep it together and not care even the smallest bit? Was his soul so black? If he even possessed such a thing. Should he not be disgusted with himself that here he was the source of this girl’s fear? He knew that the thing that scared her the most wasn’t what he was doing- it was what he could do because the possibilities were endless, weren’t they? It was the anticipation that was most deadly because if he were to make a move then that would be that but it was his hesitation, his lingering that made the tension in room almost suffocating even for Antonin himself.

Here he was before her, this girl, this mudblood who should have meant nothing and he was crumbling.

What would his father think?

  “I can’t.”

The words had left his mouth before he could stop them and just like that the rage that was burning up inside his chest fell back down into the pit of his stomach. In the beginning maybe it had been Faith- his choice, his chosen victim, his project- but now it was no longer because of her. She now represented something so much bigger. He was using to her to prove himself- he had to prove himself.

“I have to prove myself,” he found his lips forming these words; “I have to be better. I can’t care, I can’t let anyone care and even if they did… Nothing good could come from it. I can’t give anything good to anyone. I’m like poison. I’d drag her down and ruin all the light that’s inside of her and I can’t-…,” Veronica, “I can’t-…,” he stopped, drawing himself back up to his full height and taking a step back from her.

“I’m a soldier. I live to take orders. I kill when I’m told and when I’m no longer useful I’ll be killed myself. No one cares for us and we don’t care about anyone. Rowle was right, he was always right. It was I who was foolish for thinking otherwise and you-… You made me think that I could stop. Even now with that look on your face, you make me think I can stop. That I can walk away. I can’t walk away, Faith. No one ever gets to walk away.”

Antonin?

#faith #antonin #/I am sos so so so so sorry this is late!

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

Of all the things he had expected her to say, of all the ways he had expected, perhaps even hoped for her to react, what she did say in that moment was enough to cause genuine surprise to pass over his face. His hand fell to his side and in a moment an entire kaleidoscope of feelings passed over him. Antonin had never liked to feel as if he were not making his own decisions. He had always believed emotion to be of importance, it gave a person drive, an edge and for him personally he felt it gave him power. Only now for the first time in his life he felt emotion to be a weakness. Perhaps all this time it had been Rowle who was right. Caring only made you weak and he was not weak and yet for the smallest of moments he forced his eyes to meet hers and they were begging, they were begging to be saved.

That’s when he felt the anger seize up inside of his chest like a red hot poker had been forced down his throat and was erupting inside of him.

“You don’t understand,” the words came out bitterness wrapped around each syllable.

It was then it wouldn’t have mattered if it were Faith sitting there, it was then he found himself coming undone. A long time coming perhaps with his father, his duty, his fiancé-… A woman he might have truly loved and one who he might have truly cared for. There had been a time he had said yes so blindly, signed his name on the dotted line because he was Antonin Dolohov and he was stronger than such frivolous things. He didn’t need any of these luxuries- he simply wanted them. He could survive without them because take everything away, everything surrounding him and you would be left with a blunt instrument designed for one sole purpose, devoid of regret.

“You don’t understand!” he erupted, suddenly on his feet, “Don’t you know who I am?” he found himself repeating, his hands running through his hair, “I’ve been built for this, this is what my life has been given for. I have no hope! I have no salvation, no single piece of goodness or light to hold onto. I don’t get to be saved! I don’t get to be in love. I won’t ever be able to wake up in the morning and feel okay. I’m nothing but what He wants me to be,” he swung his fist violently to the left of him coming into contact with a pile of Quidditch supplies. The pain he was numb too, the blood only a colour in his peripheral vision, “I’m Antonin Dolohov!” he shouted his face returning to hers and yet he felt himself falter and fall back as the last of the words fell from his tongue, “And no one cares.”

Antonin?

#antonin #faith #/i am so so so so sorry this took so long!

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

“A toy,” he repeated, his voice soften and yet there was no affection wrapped inside it anymore. He looked her over once more, that strong defiant gaze could have pierced even the strongest of structures and the soft curve of her upper lip, the gloss to her eyes that he let his own rest upon for a moment before he kneeled down in front of her, their eyes just level.

“Don’t move,” he continued, “Please.” It had to come to this; it always had to come to this. Antonin couldn’t deny it any longer nor could he continue to lie to himself about who he was. He was not a person, he was a monster and they were not worthy or capable of salvation. There could be no love in his heart and there could be no fire or compassion in his soul. All he would ever be, all he could ever be was what he was now. A little boy thrown into a killer’s shoes, sharpened from a blunt instrument to a fine blade and he had only one purpose and that was to be obedient. The outlines were clear, it truly did seem so simple on paper and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed it. He had pulled back her defences, he had charmed her, shared with her, he had even found himself questioning his motives but that had merely been his own foolishness getting the better of him.

“You were,” he said softly, a hand rising to gently brush a lock of blonde hair behind her ear, “But you were the prettiest toy on the shelf, a real prize. Perhaps my only regret should be that you were born a mudblood. If things were different you might not have to die a mudblood,” he sighed softly feeling any and all doubts he had float away. This was who he was, “I learned a very important lesson Faith,” he held her gaze as he spoke, “You can’t run from destiny, you can’t pretend to have hope and you certainly cannot trick yourself into believing that it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s always going to be this way,” he let out a humourless laugh, the slightest hint of emotion hitting his eyes, “I never stood a chance.”

Antonin?

#faith #antonin #/omg all the pain

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

Antonin loosened his grip on his wand as she done as he requested. Of course could it really be called such a thing when she was under his control? He let his eyes look up at her and there it was. The thing that had started it all. That look. That look of defiance even in the face of fear. That strength softened only for a moment when she wished it by a beauty she chose to reveal when it suited her. She was a mudblood but a prize if ever he had seen one.

"I never thought it’d turn out like this," he found himself saying, "I knew all my life what I was going to be, who I was and what I’d become," his hand moved instinctively to the mark on his forearm, "It all looked so easy on paper, so achievable… I never meant to care for anyone especially not for you. You were only a source of entertainment, a moment that would pass by, a hex I’d soon forget-…," he paused meeting that defiant gaze masking the terrified girl beneath, "I let my obsession get the better of me."

Antonin?

#antonin #faith

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

-Brushes her cheek gently- Have a seat. -Indicated to a wee bench in the room- Please.

Antonin?

#antonin #faith

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

...Faith-... I- No, no no, no.

Imperio! I can't- I can't let you leave. Don't leave. Please, stay.

Antonin?

#faith #antonin #/it felt pretty effective to me

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

You could just-...

Let her go.

#inner dolohov

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-looks at her and still whispering- Run.

Run Faith. Run.

Antonin?

#faith #antonin

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

-Lets his arm fall to his side and looks down, voice practically a whisper-

Help me.

Antonin?

#antonin #faith

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

Too hasty? Too-... -softens voice- Too hasty. You don't want me to be too hasty... -raises voice- Do you have any idea who I am!? What I am capable of! What I am? Do you know what-

-let's go off her and pulls up his sleeve- I. Am. Do you see now, Faith? Do you see why-...

Antonin?

#antonin #faith #/basically he just showed her his dark mark #AND OMG THAT GIF IS PERF

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

-grabs onto her arm- I tried-... I tried- I didn't want to, I didn't want- But I have to. I have to do this.

Antonin?

#antonin #faith

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

#inner paige

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

#inner dolohov

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

-turns slowly and looks at her-

I have to hurt you.

Antonin?

#antonin #faith #/just crying #this has been the last 500years of our lives #/god she's so pretty

[do--the--bad--thing-blog]

-leans his head against the cabinet he just broke-

I have to-... I have to-

Antonin?

#faith #antonin #/so done. so so so done.