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i tried to not cry but i cant help it.  im always told im sensitive about shit but if i dont like being treated or talked to a certain way why is it wrong that i dont.  i dont want an arguement about me being disrespectful turning into an arguement about me moving out of my house to go whoring.  i read about not being sensitive they said to write your feelings and realize things arent about you.  i also feel like im being gaslighted all the time.  i hate this shit and i know its not going to get any easier.

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im famished

i- yall im hungry

fucking school is on my dick i dont even care if i fail classes at this point i just want to get them over with. i still need to register too.

fucking this new dude. i wanna drop my old dudes cause they get on my nerves. one of them for sure gotta go. he likes me and he keeps fucking up so. the other one is especially boring and the next one is mad sketchy. well i didnt even fuck new dude yet. hes a little different by location so his whole demeanor is different but im not trying to get too attached cause he has a kid on the way cant believe that shit. red flag number one. i feel like theres potential for us to be together tho. im just trying to separate what i want to happen and whats really happening. the second i get my hopes up ik the bullshit will start so im gonna take it easy and not put all my eggs in one basket. im gonna take things as slow as possible so i cant be satisfied for a second. fucking lamron and dem. what was i finna say. yea let me stop procrasting lolfirst eggs then work lol (help me.)

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im back bitches

2020 has been nothing but shit to me.  im a little safer from the edge.  i want a car and a man.  alot of shit has happened bro.  i dont talk to my husband anymore. like for real this time.  its sad but i feel free so idc.  i got new hoes.  they are all certified trash.  the dick used to be good now im just over them i want to be left alone by everyone.  Im kinda strssed out i havent been doing school work so ive basically left everything for last minute so my fault.  i met this new nigga toxic asf but hes really cute and i found out toxic might be my thing.  i cant even go see him right now because of my cousin is scared of corona.  she picked the fine time to be scared of it.  im just annoyed because ive really been looking forward to it all week. any minor inconvince id just be like i need some good karma so let me hold it together.  but nah my plans have to fall through at the last second. the day right before too.  ive just been a real shitty mood too 

im running out of myoney i havent registered for classes i dont have a job or car i dont feel very good about any of the shit going on in my life and its because of me lol i wanna die.  i stopped taking my antidepressants birth control and i barely take my anti anxiety meds i gotta see a doctor and everything several different ones.  i just wish i could be in my own head for a second and just let all this shit go im so overhwlemed and tired and it doesnt seem like im getting a break.  im fucking sick of this shit fr i just want to be happy but it doesnt seem like shit is getting any better

i hope i dont have to live like this anymore.  i need help

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Taco Bella 20:20

And im back with him  with my stupid face on.

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i cant stop thinking about him this is so disgusting.  i keep telling myself i dont need him i dont need to see him nothing but here we are.  

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oooo chile im sad

12:30 and im fucking sad

i miss him so much and the lonliness is starting to set in.  its making me sick to my stomach to know he doesnt give a fuck.  he hasnt called me since he hasnt checked my snap or my story.  i want him so bad it hurts.  i keep asking myself why am i crying over him.  ive never gave so much of myself to someone for it to end like this.  as much as i dont care about the other girls he was seeing he still wasnt treating me right.  ignoring me and lying most of all.  saying hell forget hang outs and shit which isnt a big deal to everyone else but to me if youre willing to spend time with me it means alot.  i dont think i miss him i miss the attention.  

i found out i can only take 14 credits for the entire summer and i need to take 17 for one session and 14 for the other.  im trying to graduate on time. i need to get the fuck out of school.  my only motivation to get through the next couples of months is weed. i dont know when this quaratine shit is going to be over.  i cant vacation.  i cant go to see the jhene concert i paid for.  i feel like a fucking rug was pulled from under me to reveal that im actually in a skyscraper with no floors.  ive felt like shit the past couple of days so im not fasting anymore but i want to continue fasting to lose weight.  i wanna call him just to be like can i see you one last time.  i like him but he doesnt like me i just need to remember all of the shit why its not going to work and go about my business.  i need to starting taking these meds again but i truly dont care for it.  that or birth control like what is the point. i keep telling myself its going to be a hot girl summer.  its not.  its going to be a celibate reading summer.  self care in my free time.  getting yelled at in my spare time because my parents dont respect me as a fucking person and now i have to live here for the next 3 months.  i didnt want to spend another fucking summer here and look.  like a fucking child.  i just want to be on my own.  its hard having to deal with someone breaking my fucking heart again. now i have to do it with these fuckers down my back every five seconds. i just wished people left me the fuck alone.  i have half a mind to just walk into the water and not come out. 

God please help me. Please.  im really losing it.  its like im not good enough for anyone.  not any boy ive liked.  not my mom.  not even myself.

i might be bipolar.  i was fine two seconds ago.  just enjoying life. i dont feel like life is beating me up at this point.  i feel like i just got tortured and im about to be shot in the head.  nothing and i literally mean not one fucking thing that i have for myself is going right.  i have to fix every fucking thing too. like i just got beat up and im supposed to go back for more like i dont want to i know how this shit is going to turn out.  me right back here. sad.  i dont ever get a damn break. im tired.  my body is tired.  my will is weak.  my spirit is dead and supposed to keep fighting.  i dont have anymore fight left i just want to fucking die.  i dont want to deal with any of this.  i dont want to face it.  i hate people because they just pass their judgements and take advantage of me and fucking disappoint me every time.  i need a break.  like a permeant break.  i need to rest

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my whole life exploded before my eyes lol. i told my husband im done and im serious.  i really hoped he would fight for me but he doesnt care so instead of crying like ive been doing ive been watching romance movies.  they are boring but also not 

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lol can we start by saying my life is still a joke 

for the first time i paid for my housing deposit for me to log on for room selection and them tell me its closed wtf 

i miss my husband so much.  i like him too much cause if i dont get a text back within the hour i get sick.  i want him around like all the fucking time.  i didnt see him for his birthday because he was sick and i had a rough time with that and i didnt tell him.  he sent me a total of two texts that day but he apologized.  the whole day i kept thinking he was with someone apparently he was sleep.  im not stupid but im choosing to mind my business.  his last girl accused him alot.  i just want the truth.  i could care less if theres another bitch i care if that bitch is taking my time with him. i keep telling myself im worth more than this but ill choose to go through this for a few minutes of happiness.

my palms been itching i pray i get a check soon.  a check or two ya feel me.  honestly as long as my summer classes are paid for ill worry about the rest.  since doing this class for this girl i may just start doing that shit. algebra is easy asf but this has a sprinkle of stats. like wtf is stats even. probability is alot deeper than i thought hopefully this all helps me in med school.  i pray i can go directly into medical school i dont want to be 30 in medical school ill lose my shit.

ive had these braids in for a while and i have to constantly keep oiling my scalp like 3 times a day shit is annoying the second it gets itchy i put oil in it.  hopefully oil doesnt give me build up.  i hate the internet i just fucking googled it and apprearently its not good for you to oil your scalp? imma oil my shit my head is itchy.  

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tear

so i was supposed to be spending the day with my husband but im home.  hes sick and since im still learning how to trust him i dont think hes really sick.  and i also hope hes not really sick.  i wanna go take care of him.  he said hell pick me up next week and i really hope its true.  i miss him its been almost two weeks.  you know hes probably going to forget.  i dont want to get my hopes up cause it will crush me.  i hadnt talked to him since this morning and its lunch now.  he was saying how cute i was and i just didnt want to talk to him because i was so sad.  i did my nails toe and fingers i was gonna wear this cute ass dress and slap my wig on.  i hope we were going over his mamas later so i could meet the fam and everything but no he sick.  i cannot do long distance with this man. i miss him so much and weve barely been talking i hate when that happens.  i just want to be with him.  i keep getting paranoid that he going to find out about all the fuck shit i be doing or that i did too and i dont want him to think anything less of me.  its not as much as he did to me but men are more sensitive and i dont want it to be what makes him stop talking to me.  i really realy miss him.  this is truly disgusting,

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Q1

so quarantine was supposed to be good for me.  im not sure if im sad because of the hormones from my period but im fucked up. i wish i wasnt trapped with my parents i wish i was by myself.  everything makes me sick to my fucking stomach 

my mom may be sick and its stressing me out because i dont think shes really sick with corona as shes implying, i think shes going through menopause and fuck it bad enough i have to deal with her on her period when im on mine shes going to be hella sensitive she needs fucking help and she wont go like actual mental fucking help.

ive stopped talking to my cousins for the time being theyre fucking irritating. one cant stop lying to me well actually two one stole money from me.  another is just so bitchy and gets in an attitude when she doesnt get her way.  im not entertaining their shit anymore.  im trying not to give power to anything that doesnt support me.. they do support me but i feel like im above them

i know im narcissistic at this point.  i can give a fuck less.  ive been quiet for so long id rather be by myself so i dont have to give power to people who dont give a fuck about my well being more than what they can get out of me.

my first best friend makes me want to shoot my brains out.  she talks so fucking much but i stick around because i feel bad for her she has no other friends.  i tried to help but she doesnt want help and i realize that not my fucking problem but i feel like she will kill herself if i stop talking to her believe me ive tried

i miss my second bestfriend so fucking much.  as much bullshit as we went through i miss her she gave me so much peace but to everyone around us we were toxic for each other.  i dont get why people are fucking haters.  i was supposed to see jhene with her after this school shit wrapped up and look its cancelled fucking vip fucking tickets

my third bestfriend ugh what can i say.  shes around and she knows what it is she supports me and my bullshit just as bestfriend number two without judging me.  they are my true bridesmaids cause they know me and wont make shit in my life about them.

my husband.  makes me fucking sick but if theres anyone i want to be around right now its him.  the shit this man has put me through.  i recently found out he was living with someone else his number 3 girl and im his number 2.  number 1 and 3 got into it and now hes alone and number 1 wont talk to him.  so its just me as far as i know.  ive been told its my fault hes like that because i wanted an open relationship but that was before i had feelings like this for him.  i just want him to myself but i was still talking to other guys and im still talking to this other guy not as much but hes around because hes sweet and i dont want to hurt his feelings but the more i drag this out the worse its going to get.  in the same way i cant trust y husband he cant trust me or shouldnt at least. i want to be faithful to him and have an adult conversation about it but i have to let this other thing go first.  i dont know why the fuck im still attached to him.  i want him so bad but he doesnt respect me as much as i respect him.  what the fuck is wrong with me.  i want this man even if it hurts me.  i want him all the time im obsessed and he knows. its good that he creates boundaries i guess cause i wont i dont know how to even make them

my therapist is going to have a field day when i talk about it this week.  im tired of talking about my mommy issues im just not going to give her petty ass arguments the energy she wants me to.  i have a new therapist by the way and shes black and i feel like she fucking understands what the fuck i am talking about and she listens to jhene

second time i referenced jhene i need a paragraph for her but im not in love with chilombo as much as i was with trip.  i love it and know all the songs ik its weird i appreciate it but i dont think im ready to heal im fucking angry thats probably why my blood pressure is so high all the time and why i need to smoke so often.  im constantly at 10 ive been procrastinating lately and when i tell you ive been on my shit in the beginning of the semester and now everything is back to being last minute i was good until i moved back home what the hell is wrong with me

my life is a mess and its partially me and its partially out of my control.  what i can control is how i speak to my parents and i will.  what i can control is keeping the other dude around when i want to keep my attention on someone else and i will work on it. what else i can control is getting back on my shit no matter how much i feel like shit.  ill do better with my relationships because ive been sabotaging them at this point.i am better by recognizing it and trying to do something about it.  im trying to work on manifesting and being more sure in what i say even if it doesnt happen i am making the effort.

ooo chile the headache i got rn it dull but there and its mkaing me nauseous? i need more pamprin 

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Lol

Lol im hungry and dont want to eat cause i want to preserve money and also im fat but i feel sick.

i could cook or order food.

i also want to cop a half but i may just wait until i get back from my trip but i dont want to lo shocker.

i havent been feeling my friends lately just me.

i just want o get married and start my own family so i dont have to deal with peoples kids anymore.

i cant wait to get out of medical school

God please let me get into medical school

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Ive been itching to update all week but i always want to do it in class. i just got y back blown all the way out and i just hit him up for more and i didnt get a response so i feel like a fucking loser atleast i didnt raise my body count doing this.  also i realize how much of a toxic person i am and i didnt even realize i was doing it.  im trying to do better and be better.  i smoke like once or twice a day and eat one a day.  i just ate and i want to throw it all up.  fuck and i realize how much i talk about myself too.  i want to be a better person so God can send me someone thats not going to taken advantage of me or hurt me or kill me and the kids we have.  i want to get married so i know its time to stop acting single.  and i have to work on staying loyal to one man cause its really not in my moral code.  i havent had sex like this in a while and it felt so good.  im suprised i didnt act more like a crack addict.  he made me cum 7 or 8 times.  i didnt even know i could do all that.  and he was affectionate towards me as it should be but its often not.  i feel like men dont treat me with the respect i deserve and its not me who is the problem but them.  but i know im narcissistic so im wrong and its more than likely me.  also im very horny rn i cannot believe it but its so.  ik if i touch my clit its going to be throbbing in pain and wow just wow what a predicament to be in.

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im finally able to learn.

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i want to be in a couple so bad.  im sick of everyone else in love with someone and im having a hard time trying to love myself.  i could also go for some good dick and good God some head please. and actually good head cause i dont usually get that.  cut rate sex will do at this point im so fucking lonely.

Also im trying to be a better person so maybe not fucking a guy the first time we hang out from now on. i just dont know how to wait. andddd no more fucking raw that shit is way too risky. back to the dating apps for now.  not for anything serious and no fucking anyone just to talk and maybe phone sex here and there.  i want the next person i fuck to be special to me cause out of the few i fucked only one was special and not that much.  

ive been really insecure about my body.  ive gained 40 pounds since i went home and now im back.  lol i wanna go for a quick smoke but its dangerous.  i wanna say fuck it so mf bad my mom bought me food and i dont have a fridge and i dont want to waste it but i have no appetite.  maybe i should save my weed.  lol im finna go smoke who am i kidding. hugs and kisses 

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lol i cant remember the last time i was this lonely or going to be this lonely and it fucking sucks.  alexa play weed is my bestfriend

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let it be known that i did write today. it just wouldnt post lol

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I wanna find my real self in 2020. I will read everything, finally start writing Poetry and travel. I will be productive. I will put myself first, take care of my skin, put good food in my body, save money and stay away from negativity and drama, especially not start drama ( so important) I wanna bury my past negative self while still honouring her, I just hope I become who i truly am.