doggyfam-blog

[doggyfam-blog]

4/9/17 Sunday

I slept in for the first time in a week! It's ridiculous, but to me it is so valuable. Without sleep, I would never be able to socialize with my friends or go to dinner. Without sleep I become a sluggish depressed human being. That said, I woke up at 12:30pm and right before my roommate charlotte woke up. Our schedule turns out that every day of the week, charlotte wakes up before I do in the morning. So this was a shock--for charlotte at least. I dragged myself out of bed into the bathroom with my contact lenses. I've now returned to my dorm in which I would continue to sit in bed with for an hour scrolling through apps on my phone. This whole time, the thought of going to the library never leaves my mind. It takes me an hour of continuous fidgeting to prepare myself for decision making. After an hour, I decide I want something to eat before I begin my homework and studying rampage. Funny thing is somehow I didn't even set my foot in a library today. Just sat at a booth in upper with jon and danielle doing work. Add some caffeine and I am good to go. Danielle helped me edit my revision essay on the coquette today. I genuinely think I learned more about writing from her than I did from the first three years of my high school. She offered to help me with essays from now on and I am forever grateful because she is helping me become a better version of myself! Then as usual, danielle and I went back to my dorm, grabbed our bong bag and left to go sit at our exposed smoking bench. Exposed as in the parking lot behind your dorm building with a decent amount of foot traffic. Today was such a nice weather. Love our bong :) Back in my dorm, ordered pasta and garlic knots, ate a bit more than desired, but it is okay. Showered, finished revising my essay and bam I am done with the day. Researched antidepressants because this past week has been extremely rough for me. It was very sudden. It may be because I've developed a tendency to skip my medication every few days but since then i've been strictly following my daily dosage of these pills. I'm in a dark place but I am fighting. Sometimes I feel like people don't believe that I am trying but it's just really hard to express in words to someone who hasn't experienced it. It's hard because I want people to understand but can't express it in the way I want it to. I did relapse cutting few days ago but I think it might have been good for me. It released some built up desire to self harm but also reminded me how much I hated covering up cuts and scars! But I also think today has been better than the past few. I've even gathered enough energy and motivation to go outside my dorm to work on my homework!! Proud of myself today. Still pondering about whether or not to switch my medication or just increase the dosage of Wellbutrin from 150mg to 300mg a day. I think the increase in dosage may possibly have a positive effect on me. I've decided just now as I am writing this that im going to go with increasing dosage first and wait to see if anything changes for the better. In bed, high from my dompen, listening to music in my bed. Time to sleep. Overall, today wasn't too bad. It wasn't great but I've had worse. p.s. just remembered me and danielle talked about suicide today. It was brought up when danielle showed me a meme about 13 reasons why. I told her how I've noticed suicide is mentioned literally EVERYWHERE!! It really isn't fair. Her voice shakes everytime suicide is mentioned. I told her about my uncle's suicide: he and his girlfriend were getting married and after they got married they wanted to have a baby--as most newly weds would. After a visit to the OBGYN, they are told the wife needs to get off her antidepressants in order to have a baby and my uncle had no idea about her medication. She gets off even after my uncle resisted and turns into a psycho. Absolute psycho. She manages to convince my uncle and consumes and manipulates him into committing suicide together. And they go through with it. She didn't comment anything on her father's suicide. I think it is way too early for her to talk about. I hope we get even closer next year so that she feels comfortable talking to me about anything, and especially about her dad's suicide and how she has been since. I could tell she is not okay. But I believe she can be! I really do want her as a lifelong friend :) Anyways, nothing interesting today but I wanted to start this daily journal diary type thing?? We will see how long it lasts. Goodnight! 1:22 am