dontbeafraidifeelreylotoo - Tumblr blog

dontbeafraidifeelreylotoo · 3 years

Photo

1300

thank you for all your support, loves.

It had been nearly two days before Kenny found Levi. The rot had already set in, the smell not an unfamiliar one found among the Underground. But there was the faint smell of flowers–something called a dandelion–that Levi had sprayed in the room. He thought it would help, thought it might wake her up. It was her smell. But it didn’t settle on her skin, didn’t get absorbed into her warmth, didn’t bring that feeling of safety and comfort.

It didn’t smell like her.

Kenny came. Two days later, and the smell had already found its way into the fibers of Levi’s clothes. Kenny picked him up like a sack of meal over his shoulder. He smelled like leather and copper and tobacco and booze. Levi didn’t look back. The smell of dandelions faded from his nose, and over the years, he slowly started to forget it altogether.

But Levi had smelled real dandelions now. They weren’t anything special. He’d learned from Hange they were a type of weed, just like grass found on the fields among the walls. They were cheap, invasive things, but Hange insisted that their greens made good salads. One day, he had tried it in the mess hall but the taste was sour, bitter, rotten like meat left in the sun, and he decided on tasteless oatmeal instead.

When they brought Erwin back, he was unresponsive. Emotions revealed weakness, and Levi didn’t often show weakness. Especially not since that day in the rain.

But Levi shouted.

The jacket shrugged off of his shoulders, his legs struggling to keep pace with the doctors and nurses that rushed down the hallways of headquarters. “Is he alive!?”

“Yes, Captain, but–”

“Where the fuck is his arm?” He said, hysteria rising in his voice, like a child, as if he were watching his mother die all over again. But he was surrounded by people this time, people that could watch him crumble. He clutched at the front of his shirt and heaved once and found the last remnants of composure somewhere in the spaces between his ribs.

“Reports say he cut it off, Captain,” a trailing nurse assured him. Her pace quickened to follow the team carrying the stretcher. He grabbed her arm before she could escape him. “Sir!”

“I need to be there.”

“But–”

“I need to be there.”

432 notes · View notes

dontbeafraidifeelreylotoo · 3 years

Text

So, as has been said, Eren is one of my main points of curiosity right now. And maybe canon will soon give me the answers I seek about everything Eren is thinking, what’s fuelling his actions, what his relationship with Zeke really is–but in the meanwhile, I can’t help but speculate.

Look at the eyes on that man. These are the eyes of a person very determined to do a thing, at whatever cost. I don’t know what that thing is, but by golly he’s going to do it or die trying. He’s going to do it even if many people die because of him trying–that Eren has already made abundantly clear.

Let’s tally his actions. Having gone along with various Paradis plans and brooded quietly, ten months ago Eren was approached by Yelena, presumably on Zeke’s behalf. Despite their last meeting being acrimonious, to say the least, Eren was apparently impressed by whatever was said to him enough that he chucked Paradis and went on a rogue mission to Marley. There, he eventually masqueraded as a shellshocked Marleyan soldier and used a child’s friendship for him for his own purposes. In accordance with plans he made with Zeke, he forced the SC into a brutal military op they didn’t want, attacking Marley and purposefully killing countless civilians. That done, Eren allowed the SC bring him back to Paradis, and accepted being thrown into a jail cell and separated from Zeke. While in jail, Eren staunchly refused to give anyone any answers, but stayed put until his supporters told him to leave. According to them, the Paradis government decided that some other person should inherit his Coordinate power. Anyway, Eren breaks out of jail–demonstrating once again that he could’ve done it all along–and declares his plan is to find Zeke. His reasons for doing any of this are as obscure as they ever were.

And, like, I’ve heard a lot of opinions about it. Is Eren unhinged? Dangerously arrogant and convinced of his own greatness? Manipulated entirely by the shifters whose memories he inherited? Does he know something that the rest of the SC don’t–and, while not wanting to tell them, also pursues the only course he feels is available given that information? Honestly, until canon provides the answers, I don’t think we’ll know the details of any of that. But on, like, a meta level, one thing strikes me about Eren’s general demeanour: it seems that, having spent a lot of time in this story trying to fight for his goals as a shounen protagonist and been thwarted at every turn, he’s found that he can never achieve what he wants as a hero; so he’s decided to discard those dreams and instead do it as a villain.

One fact I feel is important to acknowledge is that Eren doesn’t think his actions are good. Morally good, I mean. Eren is aware he’s murdered thousands of people, civilians, doing the same to the Marley as RBA did to Shiganshina. He is aware that there are people who trusted him and whom he’s betraying. He knows none of these are the actions of a good guy, but he believes all of them to be necessary, and so he does them without compunction. He’s okay being the bad guy, the villain who might destroy the world, as long as it gets him closer to his goals.

And the thing is: this would’ve been unthinkable for Eren at the start of the story. Because back then, Eren would never have seen himself as bad, or agreed to undertake actions that he thought were bad. He might’ve done ruthless things, but he would’ve believed them to be Good, because they were done for the right cause. Eren, early on, had views on morality so black-and-white, they were actually frightening. In his world, there were good people, doing good things (like fighting titans); and bad people (plus titans), who weren’t really worth consideration. Eren wanted to kill ALL TITANS, with a bloodthirsty determination that took aback even SC veterans, never mind normal people. He also, at the tender age of nine, killed his first human enemies, without shedding a single tear about it, because they were Bad People. (And they were! But Eren’s lack of concern about the deed was pretty damn illuminating.)

Fighting titans, fighting for freedom, was a thing that Good People did, in Eren’s book. That was pretty much the ultimate Best Thing people could do. So he admired the SC, joined the military with a view to get into that branch, and prepared to do Good Things with Good People.

… Only to find out that it wasn’t that simple.

I’ve already talked about how Eren’s hero’s journey didn’t at all go the way he’d expected it to, how the narrative never let him win on terms on which he was prepared to fight. He thought he’d lead a brave charge against titans and win on the strength of his bravery and determination; instead, he got defeated and eaten by a titan. He was proud of his humanity; the narrative made him into a titan, one of the monsters he so hated. He wanted to fight and if needed lay down his life for other people; his role in most of the SC’s plans was passive, with other people dying to save him as he helplessly watched. He valued his comrades; some of them ended up his enemies. He wanted glory and honour; much of what he saw in the SC were pain and death and victories won through sacrifice and subterfuge and ruthlessness.

He thought he was a Good Person among Good People, and he ended up listening to the distant screams of the people Levi and Hange were torturing in the basement, and he heard Armin say: we’re not the good guys anymore.

This was a lot to put on a person like Eren, who didn’t deal well with moral complexities. And the story didn’t stop there! Titans were, apparently, helpless people trapped in a nightmare; but oh well, we’ve still got to fight them, because what else is there to do? Inside the walls, fighting fellow humans became routine as the SC struggled to overthrow the government. (And is it at all surprising that Eren acts without compunction against the Paradis government now? He’s learned: when necessary, it should be done, no matter the cost.)

Increasingly, it seemed like there were no clear Good choices; just a bunch of bad ones, or murky ones.

And then it turned out that Eren had (albeit unintentionally) killed his father, and that his father had wiped out the entire Reiss family down to helpless kids, and that the whole thing about Eren having the Coordinate power might be void, because he’d never be able to use it by virtue of not being a Reiss. Such revelations, delivered in the worst, most manipulative fashion by Rod Reiss, drove Eren–Eren!–to the brink of suicide.

Eren comes back from all this, but never quite the same. He stops shouting about freedom and determination and fighting all titans, and acquires a new air of quiet reflection. Far from promising to kill Reiner and Bertholt in the most painful way possible, now he joylessly acknowledges that he must fight them. He does his duty by the SC, takes part in battles, still moves forward towards his goal. But his moral compass is offset; he’s not so clear anymore where good and bad lie, and he’s trying to come to terms with himself and his role in everything.

And this is all, like, before the Serum Bowl and feeding Bertholt to Armin and inheriting his father’s traumatic memories and learning that he had max eight years left to live.

Eren never got a break, and the story never aligned with his value system, never let him do his uncomplicated Good Things with Good People and get his kudos for it. Whatever he tried, he couldn’t dictate the battle terms, and the victory didn’t come for the price he expected. Whenever he won, there was an accompanying loss. For every breakthrough there was a punishment, and it never, ever seemed to end. Even the ultimate triumph of humans over titans, getting to the ocean, walking free outside the walls–all that became just a footnote to another looming war, and there comes a point where a person stops fighting the narrative that’s punching them in the face.

So possibly this is what happened: Eren stopped trying. He’s stopped believing that he can win by doing Good Things with Good People; he’s stopped thinking that trying to be good will get him anywhere. But he also can’t give up on the cause he lives for, so he’s accepted fighting on different terms. Unlike your typical shounen protagonist, he’s now ready to be worse than the worst of the villains he faces, if that’s what it takes to win. He doesn’t like these terms; but he’s grimly resigned himself to the fact that, if he wants to see it through, that’s what he has to be.

This, for Eren, is hell. It’s a hell he’s deliberately chosen, but it doesn’t mean that he likes it. He just doesn’t see another way, and he’s done letting the narrative beat him down. He’s committed to the path he’s currently on, and he’s okay being on it even if that makes him a bad person. He seems to have thrown his lot in with the devil, and hardened his heart against collateral damage, be it civilians or his friendships taking hits.

And in the solitude of his cell, he stares into the mirror and reminds himself of what he has to do.

The one time Eren does lose his cool in recent chapters, apart from Sasha’s death, is when Hange keeps pressuring him about these choices he’s made. Because they don’t come easily to him. Because they’ve cost him something, and he’s aware they’re costing everyone something, and there comes a point when he can’t stand the joint pressure from Hange and his conscience:

At no point does Eren posture or actively proclaim himself as the salvation of the Eldians. It’s Floch and the various “Yaegerists” who indulge in that sort of language, who gush about how amazing Eren is and how the new Eldian Empire will be their glorious future. None of these are words Eren has ever said, or even appears to particularly welcome.

His cold, curt greeting of the Yaegerists is telling; they proudly tell him of what they did, of blowing up Zackley for Eren’s sake, they declare their loyalty to him… and he says not a word of thanks or encouragement, never offers a nod or a smile. He accepts the help, and this is pretty much all he has to say after hearing them out:

He certainly doesn’t seem to be enjoying a thing about this situation. He hasn’t appeared to enjoy anything in a long time.

Eren just gives the impression of a person who’s gazed into the abyss for too long, and the abyss looked back. The one thing he seems to have learned in this narrative is that sometimes Bad choices are your only choices, and even if that makes you a Bad person you still keep moving forward. At the core of him is still the same steely resolve that has kept him going the entire time, but he’s stopped reaching for moral high grounds or possibly even believing that they exist, which is the worrying part. He’s now okay crawling in the dirt with villains, if that gives him his victory. And this, this is something that no one wanted Eren to become.

(Except Isayama, I guess. Well done breaking your hero, dude. Let’s see where you take him from here.)

478 notes · View notes