drea-exclusives

[drea-exclusives]

Week 10 — Slipping Through My Fingers

At last, we've come to the final week of the weekly journal assignment. I can't help but feel somewhat melancholic that we've reached the end as this journey has brought me a lot of comfort and healing through writing out my feelings and experiences, something I've wanted to do for a long time. Nevertheless, I'm thankful to have had this space to explore and reflect on different areas of my life. Hence, this final entry will be a collective reflection on my childhood and a letter to my younger self.

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As the years pass and I get older, one thing that I find myself thinking about more frequently is my younger self. Who I was at different points in life, the thoughts I had during those times, the worries on my mind, and the fears about the future that consumed me. I find myself reminiscing about the innocence of childhood and reflecting on the times when things were so much easier. And it is just then that the daunting realisation of how much time has passed comes over me, and I am haunted by the fact that I sometimes still feel like the same person I was all those years ago; I am no longer that little girl, but she still lives inside me, and I carry her with me everywhere I go.

No matter how many times I've gone through this thought process and cycle, I can't help but feel sorry for my younger self. This sorrow follows me everywhere, especially when I look back at old pictures as they remind me of the internal struggles I faced at the time. For a long while, I questioned why I felt this immense sadness, until I realised that whenever I looked at my younger self, I could see all the insecurities and fears I had back then that I wasn't even aware of, because they still existed and are a part of who I am today.

One vivid instance from my childhood that stuck with me was during a talent show TV programme that I watched with my parents when I was nine. Upon seeing the range of talents amongst the participants, I blurted out that I didn't have any talents. Although I didn't expect much reaction from my parents, they quickly reassured me and began listing down the things I was good at, exchanging looks of concern as they processed what their daughter had just uttered. My heart sinks every time I recall this memory, because while I was deeply saddened that I was even capable of thinking this way at 9 years old, I also acknowledged that the fear of worthlessness had never left me till this day. I am still the same kid in an adult body; all the trials that I have endured were at the expense of my inner child.

Although these acknowledgements have been depressing at times, it was through empathising and looking out for my younger self that I was able to heal as I looked back and appreciated just how far I've come. To think that the little girl who was intimidated by the challenges she would have to face in life is the same person I am today is such a comforting feeling; knowing that despite how taxing those moments were, I persevered through all of them, even when I thought I couldn't. I hope she knows that I am proud of her.

But beyond that, I hope she knows that there is a future version of herself that understands her in ways no one else does, and only hopes for her to stop worrying about trivial matters or insignificant moments in life because there are so many better things ahead that await her. And I desperately wish I could tell her to enjoy her childhood instead of wishing for it to end, because time passes so incredibly fast, and she would grow up quicker than she could ever imagine. I wish I could tell her that adulting is scary and there are still many things that her grown-up self struggles with, but to not be afraid or let that frighten her, as somehow or other, things eventually work out and she would be okay.

I hope she knows that she is never alone; for as long as I am here, then she is able to overcome everything in her path, and I will always be rooting for her every step of the way.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This song is the epitome of how I feel reflecting back to my childhood and my younger self. I first heard it in one of my favourite movies, Mamma Mia, and the song combined with the movie scene has been ingrained into my memory ever since. Though the song is from the perspective of a mother and the bittersweetness she feels about her daughter growing up, it evokes the same feelings in me towards my younger self throughout the years as I recall all the beautiful memories I've had and trials I've overcome at different points in my life, reminiscing on those precious times as well as the me who was living through those moments.

[drea-exclusives]

Creative Nonfiction Essay: My Journey Through Music and Piano

If I had to choose one aspect of my life that has played the most integral role in my mental growth and development, it would be music — more specifically, piano. For as long as I can remember, music has been a significant part of my life. You see, I grew up in a family of musicians; almost all of my closest relatives on my mum’s side have some sort of musical background or are involved in music. My mum and her two sisters all learnt the piano, with her eldest sister being a senior piano teacher (who would go on to give me an abundance of guidance in my journey and teach me music theory for 2 years later in life). Meanwhile, my cousins and brother collectively picked up a combination of piano, violin, guitar, and drums in their adolescence, and either taught lessons part-time or were part of the worship team in church.

It was safe to say that my family had envisioned a similar life for me from the very start, where my life would revolve around the world of music. I mean this quite literally, as my mum would tell me that she played Mozart’s pieces while she was still pregnant with me and joke about that being the reason I was born with musical talent. Although I wasn’t quite aware of these details and their significance when I was younger, I would soon begin to feel the immense pressure to perform well and live up to my “fate.” But on top of that, I would discover that this journey I was about to embark on would consist of so many other lessons apart from techniques, skill sets, and repertoire; it would also shape who I was as an individual, including my relationship with piano and music, as well as my resilience.

I was five years old when my journey with music properly began as my mum enrolled me in the Junior Music Course (JMC), a programme that teaches kids to play the keyboard and helps them develop fundamental skills in music. I don’t remember much from this time since I was so young, but I do know that some of my fondest childhood memories were from these classes where we sang, played, and learnt in a fun way. We would be accompanied by our parents and have occasional performances along with parties to celebrate milestones in the course. I was a shy and timid kid who didn’t socialise much, but having my mum supporting and being there for me made that course a lot less nerve-wracking and enjoyable.

After completing JMC, I had progressed to Grade 1 under the ABRSM programme when I was seven years old, the first of eight grades that I would have to go through to complete the programme. I still recall the panic and fear that dawned on me when my mum said she couldn’t accompany me to classes anymore. It was from this point onwards that I realised I would have to encounter a lot of new and scary experiences on my own; this was what it meant to be growing up. Albeit, I soon found my footing in this environment without too much trouble, as my teachers would often say that I didn’t have to worry considering I was talented and had plenty of potential.

However, Grade 3 was my first recalled instance of conflict in my journey — I didn’t enjoy piano anymore. As school began to get tougher, piano also started becoming a lot less effortless; it had turned from a pleasant hobby into a frustrating and tedious chore that was forced upon nine-year-old me by my mum and my aunt. My dad never had many opinions regarding my piano lessons as he had no knowledge of or involvement in music in the past. Hence, when my mum and aunt told me that I couldn’t stop, I had no choice but to grit my teeth and push on. Even so, it got harder to pursue and remain driven to excel in something in which I had lost interest. This showed a lot more evidently as I progressed to grades 4 and 5 when I was going through that weird and uncomfortable phase of puberty; not only did I feel alone in my doubts and insecurities, but I felt helpless as my family only watched as I struggled with continuing on in my piano journey. 

These struggles would reach a peak when I switched to a new piano teacher in Grade 6, and everything that I had built up would come tumbling down as my mental health during this journey reached an all-time low. It was a traumatic two years I spent with this young teacher who had a temper and no patience or empathy for her students. Her extremely high standards combined with those traits would leave me feeling talentless and as if I was a burden through her degrading and gaslighting. By this point, I was crying in the back of the car almost every week when my parents would send me to my piano lessons. I was still unallowed to stop as I was so close to Grade 8 and finishing the programme; my mum and aunt thought that it would be a waste for me to come so far and to stop now. In hindsight, I understand their intentions as they only wanted the best for me, but part of me wonders if things would’ve changed if they had only known just how much I was going through back then.

They say that nothing lasts forever, and indeed, this phase of suffering ended and things finally began looking up for me. My Grade 6 teacher had left to continue her studies overseas, and it was right after that I found out I had gotten a distinction for my exam — the highest grade one can achieve. It was as if all the demeaning she put me through till the very end contrasted with my results, because clearly, the examiner saw my potential and hard work; this marked the start of regaining my self-esteem and believing in myself once again. Things only got better from here as I switched to yet another teacher, who would go on to become my favourite teacher and the one who restored my self-confidence, as well as the person who had more faith in me than I have ever had in myself throughout this entire journey.

I couldn’t have been in more shock than I was during our first lesson. I was already coping with tons of anxiety, fear, and stress from changing to a new music centre and starting all over again after a torturous two years. What more than having to disappoint this new teacher when he finds out that I am completely uninspired and have no interest whatsoever in performing well as I am forced to complete my Grade 8? But I couldn’t have been more wrong, as this man saw my potential from our very first class when I performed badly after not having practised my pieces for a month post-exam. It was through him that my entire perspective on piano and music was broadened and changed. For once in my life, I actually enjoyed the learning process despite the struggles and looked forward to classes every week. My improvement was so noticeable that even my dad commented on my newfound energy and hope, which was not regular for the man who mostly treated my practices as background noise and music.

Despite all the good events occurring, all good things must come to an end. After I had completed my Grade 8 exam at the beginning of 2021, I continued lessons with no confirmed plans or directions for the future for slightly over half a year, until I decided to stop and focus on my SPM exams. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, because although I acknowledged my potential to flourish and soar to greater heights under my teacher, part of me knew deep down that this wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was a conflicting period, as I found myself contemplating pursuing my diploma in piano, which never would’ve happened before I met my teacher. But I knew that I didn’t have the passion to continue in this field, and that I was partly only thinking about going down this route because I felt as if I had no other redeeming qualities or talents. Letting go of what could’ve been difficult, but I knew that I had to end this phase of my life for there were better things to come. But this journey will forever leave a lasting impact on me, and despite all that I have been through, I will forever be grateful to have been on this path and experienced the memories I have that remain with me until today.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 9 — My Comfort People

Earlier this week, I discovered that we are on the last 2 weeks of this weekly journal assignment. It was so bittersweet knowing that it was coming to an end as I've had so much fun thinking, writing, and reflecting on all these aspects of my life throughout the semester. As one of the final entries, this post is dedicated to my comfort people, who play an integral role in my life and have made me the person I am today.

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I don't really know how else to begin other than to say that this bunch are some of my favourite people and have been for many years. We all met during our first year of high school, and although it hasn't always been this exact group of people, we found our circles merging together post-spm, and that's how it's been ever since.

I can't emphasize enough that when I am with them, I am the most genuine version of myself. There were a handful of times throughout my adolescent years when I found myself questioning if I belonged in previous friend groups because I felt out of place, as if I wasn't meant to be there. But whenever I'm with them, I'm at ease because I know that I'm accepted and cared for, and I can therefore exist in peace and be completely myself when I'm with them.

Not just that, but as we've been friends for so long, we've seen each other at our bests and worsts, as well as throughout the many other versions of ourselves during our developmental years. There's something so healing and endearing about knowing that these people have seen all your faults and mistakes, yet they have stuck by you until now. These friendships are so rare, and because of that I am eternally grateful to have met these people and been apart of their lives all these years.

This is one of my favourite quotes about friendship because it is put so simply, yet it is so accurate. Now that we're all in university navigating our lives and transitioning into adulthood, we only get to see each other on special occasions or when our schedules align. As time went by, I found that it's in the particularly tough moments in life when I miss them the most and long to meet them, because they are the only people who I feel would understand me; the only people I wish to seek comfort in sometimes.

And because of that, the times that we are able to meet and the effort put into being there for each other is so much more meaningful. I am so thankful for the times my friends have travelled or arranged to meet me when I was going through rough patches in my university or personal life. I don't express it much, but they have saved me in so many ways they aren't even aware of.

By the end of August, 2 of my friends will be leaving to study abroad. And although I haven't even processed it in the slightest, writing this entry is making me realise how soon the time is going to pass by and how much I'm going to miss them. But at the end of the day, I am incredibly proud of them and excited on their behalf of this new chapter they are about to embark on. And I hope that regardless of whatever we face on our personal journeys, we will always have this safe space to return to when life gets too much, where we can gossip, share experiences, and grow together as the years fall away.

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Song(s) of the Week! As I couldn't decide on 1 song for this week's entry, I've decided to include both of these songs that reflect how I feel about my high school friends.

This is a song that has been trending lately, revolving around a particular group of people or a place that holds significance in our lives. The singer refers to Chicago as his place of comfort where he exists as another version of himself. For me, my high school friends are my Chicago, as I feel the most comfortable with them and the time we spend together brings me back to our youth, where we are teenagers all over again living in simpler times.

This song has always been an impactful one for me as it reminisces about friendship and the memories made together. However, it hits different this time around, knowing that my friends and I will indeed be spending one last trip together in the summer before 2 of them travel overseas to continue their studies. As for now, I countdown the months we have left together, and think about how this song will be a tear-jerker when it starts playing during our road trip.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 8 — You Are Exactly Where You Need To Be

After the last entry, I didn't want to write another sad one and mope around this week, but I feel like I've reflected a lot and gone through many different thought processes in the midst of figuring out this patch I'm going through. Therefore, I figured I would treat this as a safe space to document how I've been feeling and what I've comprehended from recent events.

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After having a rough few days last week, feeling lost and dwelling in my depleting self-esteem, this week has been better in the sense that I have been processing my emotions, accepting how I feel, and showing myself compassion. It is through this way that I am slowly learning to let go of the grudges I hold against myself.

I realised that a big part of what I've been struggling with is feeling like I'm running behind in life or that I should be progressing quicker and involving myself in more things as most of the people around me are doing so. Essentially, comparing myself to others and feeling bad about myself because this isn't ideally where I want to be. It's a really low and isolating feeling; you feel like you're trying to run but you're stuck in place, alone, while everyone else is moving ahead and life continues on without allowing you space to breathe and pause for a moment.

It really is true when they say that comparison is the thief of joy. And though it may not be intentional, all of us will at some point subconsciously compare ourselves to our peers and the people around us. But if you actually think about it, we are all on different journeys, with different pathways, destinations, skillsets, and obstacles; it doesn't make sense for us to compare ourselves with others. Yet, this is unfortunately just one of those things that have been ingrained into society, and as a result, has become an insecurity for me throughout my adolescent years. Sometimes it's the fear of missing out; wanting to live a simple life and not having many big aspirations, but fearing that you should be doing more due to societal pressures. Other times, it's looking at someone who seems to have everything sorted out and wishing so desperately that you were in their shoes.

But after a lot of time spent contemplating and being upset at myself, at some point I realised that it's okay if I'm not where I want to be right now. I have so much time and my life has barely just begun, I don't have to be the epitome of who I've wanted to be my whole life, and it's okay if I'm not the best version of myself right now either. More importantly, it doesn't devalue who I am, my worth, or my capabilities, just because I don't have everything sorted out. Being in the same place for awhile doesn't mean that I'm not growing and progressing, or that I won't eventually reach my destination and achieve what I've wanted to achieve; it just means that I'm on the path to getting there, and I need to have more trust and faith in both myself and the process.

On top of all that, I owe myself forgiveness; both for being so harsh on myself, and also for not being the version of me that I had envisioned. Letting go of any resentment, grudges, or expectations that I or others might've had because in this crucial time, I need to show up for myself instead of punishing and diminishing myself for everything that I am not. Giving myself more grace because at the end of the day, I am human, and I deserve better than this. And hopefully one day when this phase has passed, I can look back and see how far I've come, and realise that I've always been moving forward and becoming who I've wanted to be. Maybe by then, I can show my current self the love that I've been unable to give her, cherish her with all her faults and fears, and be proud of her for persisting despite everything.

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You're doing great, dear self. Please never doubt it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This is one of my ultimate comfort songs that I always come back to when I'm facing any kind of hardships in life, so much so that I can only listen to it these days when I'm having a tough time because the song is associated with so many difficult periods in my life. It is a safe space for me where I feel comfortable putting my strength down and letting out everything that has been bothering me lately, embodying a shoulder to cry on or a warm embrace.

[drea-exclusives]

Short Story 2

Julie’s POV

“Julie? Hello??” Clara exclaims somewhat loudly while waving a hand in front of my face. I snap out of it and realise I have been daydreaming while organising the never-ending amount of books in this library. “Are you okay, Julie? You seem pretty out of it lately,” Clara asks me with a warm hand on my shoulder, eyes looking at me in her usual soft and comforting tone. “Yeah, kind of. I don’t know, I’ve just been feeling lost lately, but I’m alright. Don’t worry about me.” I fake a smile, providing the sweet girl some sort of explanation.

The thing is, I have not been fine lately. I’m stuck in a job that I don’t want to be doing, my marriage is falling apart (sorry to say that, Oliver, but it’s true), and life could not be more uninspiring. With every passing day, my routine restarts and it’s the same shenanigans all over again as I wallow in self-pity for my undesirable lifestyle; this isn’t where I imagined I would be in life, nor is it where I want to be. Nevertheless, I stop dwelling on my low self-esteem in the middle of the library hallway and accept that it is what it is, maybe this is just how my life turns out. 

As I go back to rearranging the books, a charming man approaches me, asking for directions to one of the sections in the library. There’s something about him (other than his charms and handsome good looks) that felt enchanting, almost like some sort of energy pulling me towards him which I could not pinpoint. I brushed it off after he walked away, smiling upon receiving the directions and moving towards the section he was looking for. For a moment there I had to remind myself that I was a married woman and let out a sigh of slight disappointment; oh, the irony, it was funny yet stained with a tinge of sadness. Maybe he was just one of those endearing and loveable people who have an effect on you every now and then. I moved on with my day without giving it too much thought. 

 As I worked tirelessly for the rest of my dreaded evening shift, I squealed in celebration upon seeing the clock strike 10 pm; I could finally return home. In the spur of the moment, Clara asked if I had seen the charming guy from before, which I hadn’t. This was not particularly weird or uncommon as the library is quite large, but after checking the security footage briefly, we came to the daunting realisation that from the point the man entered the library and inquired about directions, he was never seen leaving after that. 

To say that I was concerned, worried, or confused would be an understatement. Did he get lost after I had given him directions? Despite being clueless, I collected myself, told Clara to begin closing up and look after the front desk, and to trust me as I went in to look for the mysterious dreamy guy from earlier.

Following the directions that I had shown the man earlier, I searched thoroughly through the library, calling out to see if anyone was there but to no avail. But just then, something caught my eye from the corner of the bookshelf in one of the sections. It was a book, gold and glimmering, as if it was calling out to me. “What on earth is that?” I thought as I questioned my sanity. Was I tired to the point of hallucination? This had to be the most peculiar thing I had come across during my entire time working at this library.

As I wandered curiously but cautiously into the section of the library, I quickly realised that I had never encountered this section before until now. It was as if the aisle magically appeared, with shelves full of the same gold, glimmering books which I hadn’t dared to touch, not knowing what to expect or how this was even possible. I ventured in more until I came across one of the books that were opened on the shelf.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. The blank pages of the golden book had begun writing itself magically, with ink slowly appearing onto the pages. Intrigued, I watched carefully as the words started appearing on the page, hoping to get to the bottom of this mystery. All of a sudden, it caught my eye. My name, Julie, was right there appearing on the pages of the book. The other words were illegible, as if they were in a different language that I couldn’t read. 

Unable to fight my curiosity, I touched the pages of the book which had my name written on it. Soon after that, the book began glowing as I felt a funny sensation. Upon looking down, I realised that I was beginning to be pulled into the book. I panicked but there was nothing I could do to stop it, so I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, hoping that wherever this book was about to bring me would be a good place rather than a bad one. 

As I felt myself stabilising and my feet touching the ground, I opened my eyes slowly. I was in a calm town with a housing area and people walking around, seemingly happy and joyful. I was slightly confused at the similarities of this world from mine, it didn’t seem to be that different? “How did I end up here? But more importantly, why am I here?” I thought to myself. 

At that moment, I saw the charming man from the library at a distance, waving at me with a subtle smile on his face. Lost and disoriented, I walked up to him, figuring that he would have answers for me. “Hi, I’m Nathan. And you must be Julie? Sorry for not introducing myself to you earlier!” He said while laughing lightly. “Yes, I am. Um, why am I here if I may ask? I figured you would have the answers for me. And how do you know my name?” He extended his hand forward, as if to gesture for us to walk along the path.

“Well, you see, the place you are in right now is an alternate universe. To be more precise, this is your past life, the one you lived before your current life back in your reality. In this life, your name was Annie. And me, well, I am your spouse in this alternate reality.” I stopped in my tracks, this all sounds absurd, how is this even possible that I am here? “I can see the puzzled look on your face, it’s pretty cute I must say. It’s hard to explain to you, we would be here the whole day if I tried but long story short, we can travel to different realities in this universe and see what our alternate selves are doing. And as you are an alternate version of my Annie, I could sense that you were going through a rough time in your life. Which is why I travelled to your universe and used my charms on you, and now you’re here!”

I was astonished and, needless to say, flustered as I found myself blushing at his compliment and cheeky but sweet personality. “Well, I’m speechless. This is so much to take in at once, but you are right, I am going through sort of a confusing time in my life right now, career-wise and relationship-wise.” I replied after finding the confidence to admit how I was feeling out loud. “It’s alright, I understand how you feel, maybe even slightly better than you do,” he said as he gave me a reassuring look. “What do you mean by that?” I asked as he led us into a building. It seemed like an exhibition of some sort. Although I was sceptical of this whole scenario, I decided to just trust Nathan and entered the building. 

“The Life of Annie Hazel”, the exhibition signage displayed upon entering. Pictures and video montages of a woman who resembled me but with a different style and element showed up as we walked further into the gallery. “Annie Hazel, is that... me?”  I turned to Nathan, waiting patiently for his answers and the stories he was about to tell me. “Yes, that was you. An alternate version of yourself in your past life; and the love of my life in this universe.” My heart sank a little upon hearing Nathan say that in a bittersweet tone; I had no clue that my past self, or Annie, had already passed on. 

“This was the reason I brought you here, to show you the meaningful life that you lived before your current life, hoping to give you some enlightenment and inspiration,” Nathan said. The compilation showed Annie talking about her career and the life she lived while incorporating heartwarming videos; she was an aspiring and famous dancer who had to give up her dreams as she developed a degenerative muscle disease that slowly prevented her from dancing, and it was this disease that she lost her life to.      

I teared up watching the compilation, hearing Annie talk about how despite her disease, she was able to live such a fulfilling life, feeling loved by all the people around her. It was at this time when I felt like a memory was unlocked in my mind — my childhood dreams of being a violinist which I had left behind as I didn’t have the confidence to continue pursuing it. It felt surreal seeing the similarities from my past life compared to my current, leaving an impression on me and awakening the long-lost ambitions I had put aside.           

As I turned to Nathan, I could tell that he already knew everything that I was thinking; I didn’t need to explain any of it to him. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but also think about the complex but powerful feelings between Nathan and I, being soulmates from different realities. A feeling of guilt and regret filled me as I realised that Oliver was not the man for me, and that I deserved the kind of love Annie had with Nathan. 

Nathan showed me one last charming smile, “Go, Julie. Live the life that you have always dreamed of. Find your soulmate and fall in love. You deserve to experience all the good things in life, don’t regret sacrificing your happiness years down the line because you didn’t believe you didn’t deserve it. Go, you still have the time, you still have the luxury.” 

And with that, I returned to my universe with newfound inspiration and passion. I had no idea where this new life would take me, but I was willing to welcome it with open arms; I’m ready to start over.

[drea-exclusives]

Short Story 1

Alyssa’s POV

“Honey, you need to wake up. It’s urgent.” I squinted as Derrek pulled the blankets off me, peering at the clock on our nightstand to figure out what time it was. Usually, I would protest in a whine and ask why he woke me up so early on the weekend but this time, I could tell something was different; by the look on his face and the tone of his voice, something was evidently very wrong. His voice was stern as he stood at the bedside, one arm crossed and the other touching his tensed-up face, waiting impatiently for me to get up as if he had serious news to break.

I sat up in bed slowly but felt as if my head was cloudy and I couldn’t remember anything from last night. “It’s probably just a headache,” I thought to myself, brushing it off and not thinking too much of it as I pulled myself together to listen to what Derrek had to say. “I don’t know how else to say this but... Lauren was found dead this morning on her kitchen floor. She was found with stab wounds on her abdomen, it seems to have been a homicide...”  Wait, I have to be dreaming, this doesn’t feel real. “What did you say?? Lauren is dead?? Does Kevin know about this, what on earth happened??” I exclaimed in utter shock as anyone would upon hearing that their neighbour was found stabbed to death.

“Kevin was the one who told me. He came back from his business trip this morning and found her that way in their kitchen. The police are investigating now, and I think I saw Cathy when I went to talk to Kevin. I think she’s on the case,” Derrek said as he let out a sigh and put his face in his hands, visibly speechless. “Cathy’s on the case? Is she still at their house? I-I’ll go look for her and see if they need any help. Oh god, I can’t believe this is happening,” I say as I hurriedly grab my coat and bag on the hanger and rush out before Derrek could finish what he wanted to say. My head was still fuzzy and in a haze, and now on top of that all this is happening so quickly. But I had no time to question it, they needed all the help they could get to figure out what happened to Lauren, and I was ready to help in any way I could with my previous experiences in investigating, even though I never ended up working in this field professionally.

I dashed over to Lauren and Kevin’s house and locked eyes with Cathy who I hadn’t seen since our college days. As I couldn’t go any closer to the scene that was being investigated, Cathy came out and gave me a reassuring hug. “I’m so sorry, Lyss. You and Derrek must’ve been close with her,” she said with a look of sympathy yet determination to solve this case. “We were, but I want to help your team out if there’s any way I can. I know it’s not my profession or responsibility, but you know me, I’ve had some experience in the past and of course, I’m Lauren’s neighbour as well. It would be relieving for me if there was any way I could chip in, please consider it Cath.”

And just like that, I was set to help them figure out any clues that would be useful in solving Lauren’s case. I’m no expert, and heck I’m not sure if I could be of use at all, but it would lighten something in me knowing that I could get Lauren the justice she deserves. I’m going to find and hunt down the person behind this no matter what it takes. Speaking of which, although I don’t have the same skills and abilities as my best friend and her colleagues who were trained in this field to decipher mysteries and get to the bottom of homicides, what I did discover recently is that I could hear and talk to the shadows that linger in the dark. And when I say talk to them, I mean full on, insightful conversations with them. 

I know, I sound like a mad woman. I thought I was losing my mind too when I began hearing them call my name, I was petrified the first time it happened because who wouldn’t be hearing voices coming from the shadows in your room. But ever so slowly, I realised that they weren’t out to get me or had malicious intentions, they’re just like friends speaking to me! Which is all the more why Derrek and Cathy don’t know about this yet, because they probably would have an exorcism performed if they had found out. Plus, I want to find out more about these talking shadows before I let them in on my abnormal abilities.

I snapped out of my daze and found myself back in my room, hearing said shadows whispering in my ear. “Don’t get involved in the case, Alyssa! Back off now before it’s too late!”Just as those voices whispered to me eagerly, I recalled what I was thinking of before I started daydreaming — what was going on with the shadows? They are usually nonchalant, but ever since what happened to Lauren, they seem to be restless and afraid, as if they are warning me about something but I haven’t the slightest idea what it is. It’s been like this for a few days, and every time I try to ask them if they know anything about what happened to Lauren they disappear and go back into hiding, refusing to tell me anything. The only significant hint they’ve left is about Derrek, who I’ve found myself being more wary and anxious around lately for reasons I can’t pinpoint. Nonetheless, I brush it off. I can’t let some shadows throw me off course, I must get to the bottom of Lauren’s murder.

But as the days start to pass, the more confused and tangled up I find myself in this case. The clues I’ve gathered along with updates given to me by Cathy and her team don’t seem to add up. Moreover, from alibis to witnesses to security footage, something about it all elicits an uneasy feeling in me. My head begins to hurt more as well, as I find gaps in my memory recalling what I’ve been up to the past few days; everything is just a little off. The shadows included have been acting up and behaving disturbingly, muttering noises of panic and fear that become progressively more concerning every day.

Distressed, I was about to head downstairs to tell Derrek about my symptoms and perhaps ask him to bring me to the clinic when suddenly, my phone rang. I was startled by the ringtone playing from my phone, it seems that everything that has been happening lately has flustered me. “Lyssa, I need you to come in now. There’s something we need to talk to you about,” Cathy said over the phone in what sounded like a serious manner, which is unlike her usual self. At this point I’m afraid to find out what else I’m about to encounter after all the recent events. The familiar whispers of the shadows begin to make me second-guess my decision to participate in this case. “What was it they knew that I didn’t?” I thought to myself nervously as my palms started to sweat, trying to console myself while preparing to head to the police department to find out what urgent matters the police had to discuss with me.

Just as I was about to leave the house, Derrek called out to me. “Alyssa, what is this??” He exclaims with a look of shock and confusion on his face. I stopped in my tracks upon seeing the medical records in his hand. “When were you going to tell me about this? ‘Medical Diagnosis: Schizophrenia’,” he read aloud from the papers. I stood frozen, unknowing what to reply for a couple seconds. I had been diagnosed for a while but hadn’t had the chance to tell him yet, the diagnosis just didn’t sit right with me and I felt the need to get a second opinion, that is until all of this went down recently.

“You know what? It’s all beginning to make sense now. I didn’t want to tell you since I know you’ve been busy dealing with Lauren’s case, but the way you’ve been acting lately has been out of character. This doesn’t feel like you, Alyssa. And with this diagnosis, it all adds up to the way you’ve been talking to yourself lately. You’re mentally ill, Alyssa. You shouldn’t be working on this case, and you know that. Please.”  Derrek’s train of thought that he had been withholding lately began to unravel, and so did mine after everything he had just said. “Excuse me?? How dare you claim that I am mentally ill, and it’s not myself that I’ve been talking to lately but the shadows. I can hear them, Derrek. They’re speaking to me and lately they’ve been reacting unusually and it’s making me go insane, and-”

“The shadows aren’t real, Alyssa! They aren’t there! Honey, please. You need to wake up.” Derrek begged, holding me by my arms and shaking me as he interrupted what I had to say. All of a sudden, my thoughts were clouded upon hearing what Derrek said. Everything was starting to untangle as I began recalling the memories which I had lost for the past few days. I fell to the ground, feeling my head spiral as I felt my consciousness awakening as I pieced it all together. The shadows which had been my subconscious, voices in my head preventing me from finding out the truth of the homicide.

I stood up from the floor, gobsmacked as more things started coming back to me all at once. My eyes darted to Derrek who was standing in front of me, waiting to see what was happening to me. “You. It was you who made me kill Lauren. Both of you with your little affair behind my back, you betrayers!” I yelled, finally figuring out the missing piece of the puzzle, the explanation to everything. But Derrek stood there, as if waiting for me to finally work out the mystery. I felt myself becoming feral, losing the ability to control my emotions and actions. “How could he stand there and not say anything?? Had he known this the entire time?? Why did they do this to me, why did they make me like this??” The thoughts ran through my head as Derrek finally made a move, stepping closer to me.

I ran to the kitchen, throwing any furniture that was within my reach towards Derrek to stop him from following me. “Alyssa, please. Listen to me!” he said in a concerned tone. I laughed, why on earth would I listen to him? And after all the torture he had put me through. As I had finally reached the kitchen counter, I grabbed a knife; recalling that this was the very knife I had used to kill Lauren, all of it was right under my nose. As I turned around with the knife in hand, ready to make Derrek pay for everything, the noise of a shot gun went off.

I collapsed to the floor, my mind beginning to go blank as I stared at the wound in my chest. Everything is foggy, my vision starts blurring and my heartbeat unstable, finding it difficult to breathe. I take a last glance up at Derrek who has tears streaming down his face, barely keeping it together as he calls for paramedics. Everything flashes back to me for the last time, the scene of catching Derrek and Lauren cheating and going over next door that Friday night, stabbing Lauren with my kitchen knife and watching her bleed out to her death. “I’m in the same position as her now,” I thought to myself as my breath hitched and my eyes closed for the last time. 

[drea-exclusives]

Week 7 — What Was I Made For?

The perfectionist in me has struggled for a while in figuring out a theme for this week's entry. But I've finally decided to just word dump and write out everything that's been on my mind lately without giving it too much thought, in hopes that it will bring me some peace.

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This week has been a tough one, many thoughts have been flooding my mind as I've spiralled into existential crises throughout the week. I think it's just a combination of starting to get stressed out from uni and life; it's as if all the thoughts and feelings I've pushed to the back of my mind have started to unravel, making me realise I've been neglecting this part of myself because life has to go on.

From feeling suffocated due to the monotony of life and my environment, to feeling lost and as though I'm running behind compared to everyone else, to struggling with my self-worth and who I am, it's been a restless week. I feel like I've been going back and forth, fighting myself and questioning if I'm actually going through a rough patch or if it's all in my head. Most of the time, I'm able to come to some sort of conclusion and adopt a mindset that can bring me comfort and help me move forward, but this time I'm struggling to figure out what to tell myself or take away from the situation to feel at least a little more at peace.

In the midst of going through this phase, the Oscars took place where Ryan Gosling hilariously (and phenomenally) performed "I'm Just Ken", and the theme song of the Barbie movie, "What Was I Made For?" won the award for Best Original Song. These events suddenly brought me back to last year when the world collectively healed through the Barbie movie with its significance of girlhood and going through the motions of life.

I re-watched a few clips of the movie and they hit so close to home this time; I related on another level because I was essentially in that era of wandering, feeling lost, and trying to figure myself out. A line that hit particularly hard was when Barbie said that she didn't really know where she belonged anymore, summing up how I felt in this instance; unsure about the direction of my life because I don't feel like the same person I used to be anymore.

A few close friends have consoled me in the past few days, reminding me that it was okay to feel lost and go through tough moments like these, and that they were there for me. And sometimes that's enough to comfort you even in the tiniest bit; knowing that others are supporting and rooting for you, so you should take it easy and show yourself some grace as well. So that's how I'll go about it in the days to come, taking things one step at a time and not worrying too much about the future or things that are out of my control. This season, just like every other, will inevitably pass. Things will get better again, so for now I just need to hold onto hope, show myself some empathy as I would to others, and look forward to the days when I will bloom once more.

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Song of the Week! This song expresses in words the feelings I have about not knowing where I fit in or where my life is going sometimes. I've found comfort and consolation through this song in the times I've felt lost or experienced the lows that come after a high. It gives me hope in moments of uncertainty that I won't always feel this way, as it is momentary and somehow, I will figure it out and start again.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 6 — Good Things Will Come

This week's entry was inspired by the endings in my life and how they've impacted me. Because of recent events, I've reflected on these moments from my past, and how I've faced and coped with saying goodbye to the things that hold significance in my life over the years. Hence, this is that story of my encounters.

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I've always struggled with endings. It's no shock considering how emotional of a person I am, but I've always found myself dealing with the impacts harder than those around me, as well as not being able to move on as quickly as others. There were times when people have asked me, "Why are you crying? It's not the end, we'll see each other again!" And I wouldn't know why I was crying either; it seemed like it wasn't that big of a deal to others, but I felt immense sadness about that period in my life coming to an end.

There were many instances I felt this way, some of which were self-explanatory, whereas others I felt like no one would be able to understand my perspective. From breakups to the end of primary school and high school, and most recently the end of foundation. Even if the experience I went through was more horrible than sweet, I still found myself grieving that phase. Moving on and accepting change was so difficult.

One of the most noteworthy experiences I had which changed my perspective was the transition from 2021 to 2023. After my mental health had suffered in 2021 due to the circumstances of the pandemic, 2022 turned out to be a really, really good (and mostly positive) year. I had such a good time making lots of incredible memories, so much so that bidding goodbye to the year was extremely difficult, especially since I knew that 2023 was going to be tough.

And indeed it was, I went through so many painful situations which challenged my persistence; so many times early in the year I wished I could just transport myself back to 2022. However, the year ended up being so much more than those moments of hardship. In fact, I got to meet so many friends from foundation who have such a special place in my heart, and go through the ups and downs of our first year in university together. It was then that I realised that saying goodbye to 2022 wasn't so bad, because although the good times had passed, there would always be more that would find me.

It was that realisation that had restored at least a little bit of my hope in life and gave me something to look forward to in the future. Knowing that there's no reason for me to be afraid or anxious about the good things in life; they will surely find me, and I am definitely deserving of it. Endings are inevitable and I will have to face them in order to grow and move ahead in life, but there will always be more friends to make, moments to experience, love to give and receive, and places to go. And with that, I feel a little more at ease and ready to tackle the changes in life. I hope to be able to embrace the journey that will lead me to wonderful things.

-

"Do not ask for something to be more than it can be right now. Instead, appreciate it for what it was, appreciate the lessons it grew within you, appreciate the beauty you were able to feel, and appreciate the fact that in those ways, in those memories, it will be yours forever." — a quote from my favourite author, Bianca Sparacino, that enabled me to cope with endings by remembering the good that was there throughout the journey, and recognising that those memories will forever be mine to keep.

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Song of the Week! Spring Day has always been a song of comfort for me, especially when going through changes in life. The song explores lots of emotions, including those experienced when missing someone dearly as well as the changing of the seasons. For me, it is a reminder of hope during transitions in my life, whether good or bad, that better things are approaching and to have just a little more patience.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 5 — You're On Your Own, Kid

Yesterday during class, the topic of MCO and the pandemic in general was brought up. We were asked about our experiences studying during the pandemic, and for the first time in a while the memories of that time which I had stored in the back of my mind came flooding back to me. And just like that, the decision for the topic of this week's entry was settled. So, here is the story of the highs and lows I experienced with my studies and mental health during the pandemic, as well as how I've forged ahead since then.

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I'll go ahead and say that 2021 was one of, if not the worst year of my life so far. A harsh emphasis on "so far" as I know that I have barely even lived this life and there is so much more I have yet to face. But of the most painful moments I've endured so far, 2021 was filled with many heart-wrenching memories that still affect me to this day when I reflect on it.

I was 17 then, a high school student going through the motions of life during the pandemic with online classes, while simultaneously preparing for SPM. Though this lifestyle had been going on since 2020, it never got easier but instead led to burnout in majority of my batchmates and other students. Despite not being one of the highest achievers prior to the pandemic, my teachers and the people around me had high expectations for me, not knowing that I was in one of the lowest points of my life.

I have never felt so hopeless and unmotivated for such a long period of time. Stuck in what felt like a never-ending rut with my life going downhill but having no desire or energy to get out of it. Fearless, even though I was completely unprepared for the biggest exam of my life because I had already lost all hope, yet the anxiety was eating at me every single day. Feeling so directionless in life because there was nothing I wanted to pursue or dreams I wanted to achieve post-SPM. And on top of all that, bearing this guilt of being a disappointment to everyone in my life; I can't begin to describe how lonely and trapped I felt inside my own head at that point.

It went on like this until SPM was around the corner. The only ways I managed to cope were through seeking comfort from my closest friends, writing words of encouragement in sticky notes and pasting them into my planner, creating a gratitude journal of all the things I was grateful for, and writing a letter to my future self that I would read at the end of that year. In other words, showing myself lots of kindness, forgiveness, and empathy; being mindful and acknowledging my situation was the most crucial practice for my mental health at the time. And in the end, although my SPM results were nothing extraordinary compared to my peers, yet I was beyond proud of myself for making it through the most difficult patch in my life.

Fast forward to 2 years later, I managed to achieve a CGPA of 3.93 for foundation as well as acquire the Dean's List award. The bittersweetness I felt on the day of the Foundation Award Ceremony is still so fresh in my mind. "I should been ecstatic" I thought, but in reality I spent more of that day re-reading the letter my 17-year old self wrote about her struggles, sympathising as I recalled how much she went through. Nevertheless, I took it as a reminder of my capabilities, and to trust that everything in my life would fall into place; I was exactly where I needed to be back then in order to be where I am today.

As of now, degree has been a little stressful and anxiety-inducing so far. At times I found myself doubting my abilities and questioning if I will return to how well I performed during foundation. Hence, this topic seemed fitting to write on while I attempt to start having faith in myself once again. There are many other obstacles that I will have to face, and the idea of being knocked down or facing the unknown can be discouraging and scary sometimes. But this experience in itself has given me hope, for I have faced and conquered all that was in my path previously, and therefore I know that I can do it again.

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Song of the Week! As the title suggests, this was the song that represented how I felt throughout my journey with my studies and my mental health. Considering the fact that it was my most played song last year, it has definitely gotten me through many instances when it was tough to persevere and serves as a reminder of my resilience. The lyrics "you've got no reason to be afraid" have particularly stuck with me, being a source of encouragement and strength to believe in myself every time I encounter a rough patch. In other words, a song incredibly dear to me.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 4 — Loving and Feeling

I pondered for a long time on what I should write about this week, as many events have taken place since the last entry which have evoked a range of emotions and thoughts within me. Ultimately, I've decided to write on the common theme between all of those experiences, which is my ability to feel deeply.

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For as long as I can remember, I have always felt every emotion at full intensity. Though I do not doubt the blessing it is to possess this emotional depth, but often times I wonder what it would be like to not live like this; with never-ending thoughts, overwhelming feelings, and constantly giving more than I receive.

I'd like to think I didn't always feel this way. In fact, I (naively) used to believe that my peers and the people around me felt the same ways as I did, and had the same capacity to love as I did. It wasn't until my teenage years when I realised that despite how much of myself I poured into my friendships and relationships, that love and effort would not always be reciprocated or understood. Not because they didn't care for me, but because they simply weren't able to return that love to the same extent and in the way I deserved.

That was something that took a while for me to grasp and accept; that not everyone felt, loved, and grieved as deeply as I did. That it wasn't a natural thing for people to constantly ruminate over their emotions, reflect deeply, and feel so impacted by certain events in their life. It is such a beautiful trait to have, yet it is also exhausting. At times I wished I could be someone who is unbothered by everything going on in life and the thoughts that flood my mind (many of which are things I cannot control), but I am everything but that. It feels more of a disadvantage to be so affected by something which others are able to easily set aside and move on from.

Nonetheless, though it is scary to think that I will probably always feel this much, the idea of not having this ability possibly scares me even more. It is such a big part of who I am that I couldn't imagine a version of myself that doesn't love with no bounds, tear up from gratitude when I think about how much my friends mean to me, or feel my heart ache from the things my family doesn't talk about. Just the thought of not being able to emphatise with others and love so deeply makes me feel so hollow because to me, that is the meaning of life — making sense of all of the people, moments, and places that are so significant to you they leave a mark on your heart.

And so, although dealing with these feelings (especially heavy ones) gets too tiresome sometimes and I wish to be able to just close my heart off and guard it, I remind myself that it is one of my greatest strengths. Loving so deeply is something that I should be proud of. It enables me to feel the whole spectrum of human emotions; the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is because I am able to feel and process the worst of times, that my heart swells when living through the best ones. And for that, I am eternally grateful for this gift of empathy, as well as the capacity I have to love.

What a joy it is to have the ability to love.

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Song of the Week! I found this song fitting with this week's entry as it is one I listen to when I feel overwhelmed. The repeating lyric in the song, "Let it come down on me" refers to allowing yourself to feel it all; the good, the bad, and everything in between. With that, this entry and this song encompasses my desire to embrace and be grateful for my ability to feel and love deeply, despite how complex and heavy it may be sometimes.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 3 — Bittersweet Reunions

Post journaling edit: this week's entry is a heavier one. I had originally intended to write about 2 major events that went on this week, including Chinese New Year which I celebrated (and am still in the process of celebrating) this weekend. However, I ended up writing and reflecting on the first event more as it held more significance to me this week. I questioned if I should post it as it is quite personal, but I decided to anyway as it is raw and it is real. Hence, here is me emptying my brain on something which I hold very close to my heart and gaining closure during the process of journaling this experience.

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As the title suggests, this week's entry revolves around the feeling of bittersweetness; an emotion I find arises in many aspects of my life, and those of others as well.

The subject matter being a dinner I attended on Tuesday with my friends from primary school to celebrate one of their birthdays. To provide brief context, they are friends I've known since I was 10 years old, which is quite literally half of my life. But due to a falling-out that occurred between us a few years ago, I've stopped talking to them regularly though they remained in close contact with each other. Despite us making up and being on good terms now, I contemplated back and forth for a week on if I should go as the last time we met up a year ago, it was a bit of a let-down as things didn't turn out as I had expected them to. Nevertheless, I ended up going simply for the sake of it. Even though I knew I probably wasn't going to enjoy myself much considering the dynamics of our friendship now, but I thought to myself, "if I don't set any expectations, then I can't possibly be THAT much more disappointed than last time, right?"

And honestly, it didn't turn out as terrible as I thought it would. There were definitely moments where I questioned why I was even there in the first place, but I think more of that time which I spent pondering while the lively chatters of my friends surrounded me, I was silently grieving while reminiscing on the times we spent all those years ago before things changed. I realised that regardless of how many years have past, every time that I am with them I will be brought back to our pre-teen years when we had no idea what was to come; a reminder of the best and the worst times we've had together.

That's the bittersweet part of it, coming to the realisation that we are no longer the people we were 6, 8, 10 years ago. And on top of that, having to admit to myself that this friendship doesn't serve me much purpose anymore. To accept that it was inevitable, as people change over time and our values, life goals, everything that bonded us during that time are not the same anymore, at least on my end. This has been a reoccurring thought process for me in recent years, and although it does get easier every time, I think that it is something I can't escape or move on from because of the impact it had on my teenage years as well as who I am today; I would have to face it every time I see them.

This is a quote that I stumbled upon this week on one of those TikTok slideshows consisting of sad Tumblr posts with even sadder music in the background. I screenshotted it at the time not thinking much of it, but while looking through my gallery for pictures to include in this week's entry, I realised that this post describes how I feel about my current situation — grieving.

Even while I was still at the gathering, catching up and reminiscing on old times together, I was internally grieving the bond we had when we were young. Don't get me wrong, I'm super appreciative for the friendship we've had in the past decade. In fact, it is because of all these thoughts that I asked myself if my feelings were valid or if I were being selfish, considering they were having a great time during the gathering. But I think that ultimately, this is something we all go through in life at one point or another, right? Letting go of the things that don't serve us purpose anymore. We can't possibly hold onto everything in life because that would just weigh us down, preventing us from moving ahead. We have to choose what to keep and what to let go.

And that is basically what I've concluded from this experience, that this friendship is something I have to let go of (at least emotionally) to make room for the better things in life. Though I will still remain in contact with them, I don't think I will accept the next time I receive an invitation as every meetup will only bring back these bittersweet memories and emotions. They were such a big part of my life and it is because of all the history we have that I do not wish to ruin whatever happy memories we have left that remain. I am and always will be utterly grateful for the years I've spent with them, there are no doubts about that. But it's time for me to prioritize myself as well; and that includes moving on from relationships that only weigh me down, remaining in my life solely as a reminder of the past, people I no longer see a future together with.

With all of that said, pouring my heart out on this matter has definitely eased something within me. Perhaps with time I'll be able to find peace, both within myself amidst the impact this friendship had on some of the most critical years of my life, as well as in the relationship I have with my childhood best friends.

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Song of the Week! Remember how I said I found the quote on a TikTok slideshow with sad music playing in the background? Well, this was likely the song that was playing, considering it has become one of the top audios people use for any sad scenario. Ironically, it was through those slideshows that I found this song, though I wish I could say differently. I remember the first time I came across this song, the melody alone represented so many of the emotions I felt but couldn't describe. And that is exactly how I feel about the song with this week's theme, that bittersweet reminiscence. Not just that, but the echoing lyrics in the outro aligns with what I wish to say; that despite all of this, I hope that we don't become strangers.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 2 — CNY Incoming 🍊🧧

So, it is only after yapping on and on about everything that went down in week 1 that I came to know that we don't actually have to write about what happened in our week for these entries. But since I've already jotted down about the events that took place over the past 2 weeks, I figured I'll include it for this entry anyway. Perhaps after this I'll write about both my weekly experiences as well as the thoughts in my head for my entries, it's quite fun albeit a little time consuming.

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If I were to have searched the readings for my zodiac sign this week, I have a pretty good feeling it would've said that I would be unlucky on Monday. By that I mean the 10 minute intervals I encountered while waiting for the MRT. And it didn't just happen once, but twice! Both the Putrajaya and Kajang train doors closed just before I could enter, leaving me 15 minutes late for class. Though this is a usual occurrence, I think I definitely need to start leaving my house earlier this year. The lecture was rather boring so I honestly didn't mind being a tad bit late, it was just English after all. The more memorable parts of this day I would say were the clear blue skies and fluffy clouds; I remember staring out the train windows with soft music playing from my earbuds adoring the scenery. Despite my love-hate relationship with the MRT, this visual experience is definitely something that makes my commutes worthwhile.

Tuesday was another driving day. This time I came to uni earlier and found parking easily without humiliating myself! I was pretty stoked by then as I had an hour or so to eat my lunch while watching my K-drama. I've been watching a new horror/thriller drama lately called "Gyeongseong Creature", which is frankly quite a shocker since I'm probably the biggest scaredy-cat amongst the people I know and would probably cry if you forced me to watch a horror movie. But since I had seen a few snippets and knew the rough plot of the show, I figured to give it a go as it looked intriguing (and it surely has been so far).

I also received a few positive feedbacks for my short story as we had to critique each others' works during class. This was quite a shocker as I had mentioned in my previous post about how I struggled to write that story and was a bit disappointed with the outcome post-writing. I feel like this was one of those times when I realise how critical I am of myself and how low my self-esteem truly is, and only through receiving praise and academic validation that I allow myself to feel deserving in life. Although this was just a small example, but moments like these make me reflect a lot, and was for sure a booster for my self-esteem telling me I'm more than the thoughts in my head.

I drove home that day, euphoric and with music blasting while I sped through the empty highways. I will say though, this good day was interrupted by unbearable heat in the evening. It was the type of heat and humidity that made you say "CNY is coming", as this incredibly hot weather was typically seen every CNY season.

Wednesday was a free day! We didn't have class since Ms Ashley was able to finish the lecture on Tuesday (thank you Ms Ashley for letting us sleep in 🫶). It was also the last day of January, which was a little weird as for the first time in a long while, a month actually felt like it lasted for the proper duration of a month.

I collected my laptop from the ASUS repair centre in Lowyat Mall today. Long story short, these 2 weeks going back and forth to the repair centre was a tedious process that had my parents saying to "not buy from ASUS after this". I was glad to have my laptop back without the fan inside revving like an engine; it really was quite hilarious yet absolutely terrifying when I had to bring my laptop to class last semester as I had no idea when it would start sounding like a motorboat.

The day ended with me (finally) starting to set up my Tumblr account and decorating it. The process of searching for layouts made me so reminiscent of the time I was on BTS stan Twitter. Scrolling on Pinterest for hours on end to find a header that matched the aesthetic of my profile picture, designing my account layout, and so on. I miss that era a lot, with all the online friends I met and experiences I gained so I'm glad I was able to do something like that again for this account in the efforts to make it a place I enjoy coming to.

(headers I saved while trying to design my layout)

I don't know why, but Thursday schedules are always the worst. It is yet another semester where I have morning to evening classes on Thursdays, but since my classes don't start at 8 am, I won't complain. To make matters worst, it was from this day that I started attempting to save my data and use the uni wifi as I was running really low on data (note to future self: please look into other data plans.)

Our first broadcasting class was today, and at the end of the class our task was to come up with a script on a given topic and record a video roleplaying a news anchor. Although my group had chosen another group member to be the news anchor, the role was handed over to me at the last minute. I found it kind of ironic that the person in the group who was the least likely to major in broadcasting ended up roleplaying as the news anchor, but it was kind of fun nevertheless if we ignore my anxiety levels spiking because of this sudden change.

Friday had finally come, and this was the last day of us meeting all our lecturers in-person. I was 5 minutes early for class which is a rare occurrence for someone with time management issues, but it actually felt nice not having to rush my way to class so hopefully this is something I can keep up next week. Having officially met all the lecturers for my courses this semester, I feel a little more at ease as the classes seem promising. I do hope this is the case for the rest of the semester since it is a rather long one.

After class ended, I headed to Tropicana Gardens mall just to look around, have dinner, and hopefully get some work done, since it was a Friday evening after all. I spotted a new cafe and decided that this was where I was going to settle my dinner and enjoy the rest of my K-drama. As a pasta girlie, of course I ordered the pesto pasta and it definitely did not disappoint. Would've definitely ordered a coffee if I hadn't already had one earlier in the day, so next time it is!

Saturday was another shopping day, with my parents this time. I had initially wanted to do my shopping after class on Friday, but seeming that my parents needed to shop for CNY too, hence we all went this day. To say that the mall was crowded would be an understatement, evidently since it was the weekend before CNY itself.

After browsing many clothing stores for hours on end, I only ended up getting a blouse, but the backstory for this blouse made it worthwhile. The store I had gotten it from was more of a boutique, with its prices ranging from RM100 to over RM300. I went in with no intention other than window shopping as it was way out of my budget, until I stumbled upon this blouse in the discounted section, originally priced at RM129 but currently sold at RM39. Even though this blouse (which was more of a fancy T-shirt honestly) was definitely overpriced, but it was still a steal after being discounted.

The funnier highlight of this day was noticing all the tired boyfriends in the mall, standing outside the stores with bags of clothes in their hands, tired and scrolling on their phones while they wait for their girlfriends to shop. There must've been a couple of them in every 1-2 meters from me as everywhere I turned, they were there undoubtedly. I found this quite amusing as someone who was single, and it was also a moment of gratitude for being single as I had the joy of spending time on my own without limitations and troubling others.

By the time Sunday came I was exhausted and aching all over from going out the past few days. Hence, it was a day to relax and take it easy. The only major event was following my parents to the market after lunch to buy some mandarin oranges! Once again, the weather was just ridiculously hot and having to walk under the sun carrying bags of fruits and cooking ingredients made me realise how much our parents do for us, especially in terms of food as food is such a significant part of Chinese culture. I'm grateful for the hard work my parents put in to always make sure there is more than enough food on the dinner table, and of course the daily cut-up fruit that is a symbol of their love.

Week in Summary

This week made me think and reflect quite a lot, particularly regarding my self-esteem and just how I feel about myself in general. I long for the day when I'm older and wiser and have more experience in life that I realise that I should've been kinder to myself. I say this because sometimes it's difficult to comprehend in the present; it is over time as you change that you figure out these things along the way and are able to look back and see how far you've come. But for now, I simply wish to have more faith in myself and to trust the process as it will lead me to where I need to be.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This week's song is another one that's been a favourite for awhile. Although the title may raise eyebrows at first glance, but the lyrics are really sweet once you've understood the meaning of the song. I listened to this song many times this week as I admired the bright blue skies; the soft, calming melody were extremely fitting along with parts of the lyrics incorporating different colours which reflected how I felt about life at the moment. Despite not having a lover to daydream about with these romantic lyrics, the melody itself feels really grounding and peaceful.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 1 — New Beginnings 🌟

The start of a new semester. The lead-up to this week was a bit anxiety-inducing honestly, since last semester didn't go that great and left me a tad bit nervous for what was to come. But now that I've reached the end of the first week, it's safe to say that it went quite a lot better than I had anticipated!

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Monday started off with a little get-together for brunch to celebrate Hieu's (Hilton) birthday! We were able to meet up with our beloved foundation friends, including 1 of them whom we hadn't seen often since August as she had taken a break after foundation before continuing with her degree this semester. Although Hieu and I only had class at 3 pm, we decided to have brunch to accommodate the rest of our friends who had both morning and afternoon classes, leaving us a bit over 2 hours to catch up over some good food.

Our brunch place of choice was a cafe located super close-by to uni called "Signature Cafe". We ordered a variety of breakfast foods to share and devoured them while chit-chatting on what we've been up to as of late, as well as the new semester. My heart feels full every time I get the opportunity to see them as it's difficult meeting up when you have different schedules; that is something uni life has definitely taught me, that you will go out of your way to make plans in order to meet the people dearest to you. And when that effort is mutual, that is surely a friendship worth investing in.

Later in the day, we had our first class of the semester in the auditorium. I was already semi-dreading the class before it had started, not because of the course or lecturer particularly, but because it was in Auditorium B, aka the auditorium with wooden seats that would leave us aching all over after a 3 hour lecture. In the end, we managed to make it through the class, with breaks between the lecture and snacks from the vendors of course. Not bad for a Monday, if I do say so myself.

Tuesday, on the other hand, was more chaotic. For context, I usually take the MRT to uni for less hassle, but I decided that I was going to drive on Tuesdays as I only had a 2 hour lecture and it wasn't worth the time commuting by train rather than if I were to drive, simply put. However, in an attempt to make it to class on time, I tried to find a parking spot as quickly as possible and ended up misjudging the length of my car in comparison to the parking lot. After barely squeezing my way in, I realised (way too late) that I was neither able to squeeze all the way in OR out as there were only a few centimeters of space between the cars in front and behind of me.

While I sat there in defeat and embarrassment for what felt like forever as the car that was behind me witnessing the entire scenario was finally able to safely drive past me, another car pulled up behind me. To my surprise, the driver winded down his window to tell me that there was an empty parking lot on the other side. In that moment I felt so grateful, not so much because he was kind enough to inform me about a vacant parking spot (although I appreciated it), but because he didn't harass me or embarrass me further for my parking skills.

The rest of the day was not doomed, however, as I attended Ms Ashley's first Creative Writing class after parking in a better spot. It was the first time in a while that I felt this interested towards a course in uni, in addition to feeling re-ignition towards my passion for writing. Although nerve-wracking doing creative writing again and I'm doubting my writing abilities a bit, I hope that I'll feel more comfortable soon to write with no pressure, just as how I feel writing this journal entry right now.

On Wednesday, I decided to go to the mall with my friend after class as I only had a morning class. My intention of going to the mall this time was purely to do some shopping as I really needed new clothes since a big portion of my wardrobe was worn-out. I had a simple but satisfying brunch in the food court with my friend, Mirha while we spent time catching up. While passing by a store, there was a promotion for 2 perfumes at the price of RM80. Although I wasn't intending to purchase perfume on that day itself, my RM40 was spent just like that as we each chose a perfume we liked. I had also bought a long-overdue jacket from Uniqlo, which albeit pricey but was of good quality. I left the mall that day tired and with my bank account crying a little, but fulfilled.

Thursday was a small surprise as I had completely forgotten it was Thaipusam holiday until my mum reminded me the night before. I spent the day unwinding and relaxing, as well as re-discovering an old hobby. While spring cleaning, my mum found my old rainbow loom kit which was in surprisingly good condition after 10 years. As I decided I would make use of them by doing some simple designs, it led to me hyperfixating on this old hobby once again, reminding me how much I used to love it and seeing glimpses of my pre-teen self. It is moments like these where I wonder where all the time went. 10 years had passed and in the blink of an eye, I am the age my younger self had always dreamed of being. Yet I am thankful for moments like these which allow me to heal my inner child; I think it is something a lot of people take for granted.

As for the rest of the week, it was pretty uneventful. My Friday was spent having an online class and visiting my grandma with my mum. There was a new caregiver today to help out my grandma as she hasn't been in great condition lately. But seeing that she didn't reject the caregiver's help and shoo her out of the room as she usually does, but instead praised her and spoke of how helpful she was, it was a sigh of relief for my mum and I. It's been a long month as it was the start of the year when my grandma's health deteriorated a lot, but I hope and pray that only good things are ahead of us.

Majority of my weekend, or rather Sunday night was spent writing the short story I was tasked to write. I had honestly dreaded it and left it to the last minute as I was completely clueless of where to even start. As the night went on, I felt defeated while struggling to put something together and decided to just go with the idea I had. After all, this was just the start and a short activity; there would be more chances for me to improve my writing as the course progressed. With that in mind, I ended the short story writing session as positively as I could, glad that I was at least done with the activity. (Side note: I wish I was using my brain when I picked books on culture and movie psychology.)

Week in Summary

This week I felt was a good combination of highs and lows, some of which I didn't include as they felt too personal. Starting or beginning something has always been difficult for me, it's so hard to leave the comfort zone which you've grown accustomed to and step into dangerous, unknown territory. However, I'm learning to embrace change as I had the realisation that this is what it's going to be for the rest of my life — constant change and unpredictability. And to move forward, I'm going to have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Having said that, I'm glad to have the support system I currently have of friends and family members; the people who I know will be there despite the changes in life or disagreements we may have. It's been a hopeful start to the semester, and I hope it remains that way.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This is a fun, little segment that I thought would be interesting to include in my journal entries! But it might not be something I'll continue to do because 1, I hyperfixate on songs and listen to them on repeat for weeks until I get tired of them and 2, if I'm being completely honest my music taste is essentially just basic teenage girl music. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just that this segment would be a lot more interesting from the POV of someone who listened to more music genres. But hey, it's authentically me and that's the whole point of the journal, so we'll see! This week's song is an OST from a K-drama I re-watched recently called "Lovestruck in the City". The first time I listened to it I had it on repeat for weeks after I had finished the drama and was down with post-drama withdrawal syndrome. And now, as expected the song has once again crept its way back into my Spotify playlists becoming my go-to song because it's simply that good. I have no doubts that it'll be at the top of my list for song choices for awhile.

[drea-exclusives]

Adventures with Andrea

The Start of a New Chapter

Hello hello to the fellow readers, lurkers, as well as future Andrea who is looking back on these journal entries at the end of the semester! I do hope the semester was bearable.

Pretty ironic that this digital journal assignment is something I've been looking forward to since the moment Ms Ashley assigned it to us, yet I'm only starting it now at 10:30 pm on the Sunday that it's due. Just one of those undiagnosed ADHD things I suppose; but considering that it reflects my personality, I thought it'd be funny to include this as an introduction.

On a more serious note, getting back into writing is one of the goals or desires I've set for this year. 2023 came to a hectic end, with my thoughts scattered all over the place and not knowing what to do with my emotions. It was upon reflecting that I realised my coping mechanisms and overall mental health have not been that great due to the events that took place over the year. And it is because of that, that I want to start writing again this year as I've found the process to not only be healing, but also a comforting space for me to express the complicated emotions I experience as an empath (and an introvert who has a lot to say but chooses not to).

With that, I'm eager to bring you along with me throughout the next 16 weeks and make this a creative space full of experiences and adventures of both the ups and downs of life from my POV, with a hint of oversharing of course.

Enough said, welcome to adventures with Andrea!