dumbbitchfrommars
dramatic
yes i am an infj, how could you tell?!
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I am magnetic but there’s definitely been a shift in who I’m attracting lol
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im triggered and i cant bring myself to actually journal. annoying and frustrating and tiring.
i feel totally at a loss. like im wobbling between a state of stability and complete confusion and insecurity.
im holding on to people who may not be for my best self. who may not see me in my highest light. who may not think im worthy, when i am. but i am living in the past - wanting to fix things that were never my doing in the first place...
maybe im just too different.
how can it be that im repeating these same cycles? i thought i grew up, thought i found myself and that self assuredness that comes with loving and knowing myself>? right now i just feel like im trying to fit in with people i wont ever understand and wont ever understand me.
why did the taurus boy ever find an interest in me to begin with? who was i then? who am i now? is it worth trying to fix things, patch things up, when its been years, and i feel them pulling away from me too? am i too late? what did i do wrong?
i did nothing wrong.
why do i feel like ive done something wrong?
why am i punishing myself?
i want to run away to hide and think and process but its impossible when day after day i have to return to that place where they all reside. they big grownups - theyre PHDs - they feel like complete aliens to me... were only about a year apart. i feel like a baby around them.
i feel like they dont actually like me.
okay, so where do we go with that?
i either fight for them to accept me or i move on.
i dont want to lose people anymore. it hurts too much. but can i lose someone when they were never mine to begin with?
ive still got so far to go. but its one step at a time, remember? it might be too late. it might not be too late at all. its in gods hands. i have to do what feels right - whats easy, whats in the flow of fate. but im not sure what that is right now. i think its definitely not pursuing things that dont want me. but i dont know how to be natural with people who are so different to me. they think and speak and act different. they dress different. theyre all so close. im like this alien outsider. were all aliens at the end of the day... ugh. please send me guidance, God. my head is hurting. enough staring at words i can barely read.
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Wouldn’t it be so cute and romantic if I lost my hearing and my person ends up being another person who can’t hear? And we communicate and bond through sign language?
That’s an idea I could run with for my writing….
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THE LIST so I’m never in the trenches again
1. When he didn’t stand up for me when a random stranger in the street was calling me MJ 😭😭 I can only laugh now
2.
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Is it bad that I thought it was cool when I got a nosebleed from snorting ket
I barely even did any 😭😭😭 like it was so overdramatic for me and no one else who had been doing it all day to have one
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sitting here staring at a screen
im feeling heat rising in my cheeks and suddenly my face is wet with tears
the past year has worn away at the love i had for science. the passion i once had is fading away and is being replaced with unease and resentment. resentment for the years spent chasing something that i was never going to be worthy enough of. anger, anger that while i worked tirelessly to prove to everyone, to my Self, that i was capable - it was all futile. because i dont love this anymore. i fell out of love with the one thing that made me, me.
who am i if i were to give it up now?
there's remnants and memories of this all over me. tattoos of sea creatures, art, poetry, photography... it's all stained on me and my life.
i could never forget, but i am just so exhausted. i feel so unworthy. i feel like such an imposter. im frustrated and sick of it.
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ill let you in on a secret... if you make a big show of wanting to say my name right, and drill in a false sense of comfort that *finally* someone is making the small effort to learn how to pronounce it properly ... only to turn around and say it wrong a week later for the foreseeable future. I will pull away. I will never truly feel safe with you. I don't like you and I don't trust you. God. it's the easiest tell for when a person isn't worth my time or energy.
I HATE IT HERE!!!!!!!
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it honestly feels like everyone is disappointed in me for something i cant really control...
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fuck everyone fuck everyone fuck everyone they can all fuck right off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i am pissed off.
im an ENRAGED.
and that is valid. i am allowed to live my fucking life. i am allowed to have faith in myself and not listen to the voices around spilling doubt and bad intentions into my cup.
im surrounded by weird energy
and im pissed off that he touched my knee and i let him. fucking slut
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Focus on your self.
It’s time to redirect my energy before I self destruct
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You know when your usual comforts aren’t comforting anymore?
Something’s gotta give.
I need to rip off the bandaid and get my body moving again before my mind destroys me.
I haven’t even journalled for a while! It’s all so unlike me. It’s out of character. But for some reason I know it’s okay, like this is meant to be happening right now. And it won’t last forever. But man I am relishing this time of guilt free laziness. Cause I’ve gotten so used to always needing to be productive to be satisfied. To be able to have fun. I can have both worlds. I can have neither too. Yin and yang. It’s out of balance but it will go normal soon. I think I’m finally going to get my period on the day I don’t wear fkn black. Brb changing
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LOSER ALERT LOSER ALERT LOSER ALERT
Get over it !! Other people besides you have lives too 😌 maybe you should’ve let us know at the beginning of the course. Or even just the year. Fuck you for trying to make me feel like I’m in the wrong when it is so clearly you. Delusional darling!! You’re fucking delusional. X
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