dumbmomo

[dumbmomo]

10 min scenery and color studies

[dumbmomo]

missing him :(

[dumbmomo]

[dumbmomo]

[dumbmomo]

It’s okay if you hurt me, do your worst. I forgive you already Rudra. I am afraid of the things you could do to me, I am afraid of this love I harbor for you. Rudra it makes me think silly things, it makes me do even sillier things. You could ruin me, you could leave me in shambles but that’s okay. It would have been worth loving you. I’ll find a way to move on, it’ll take time but the time will pass anyways.

It would be silly to stay afraid forever wouldn’t it? It would be silly to have love for you this deep and let it go. I know you’re going to hurt me, I know it’s inevitable. But that’s part of the fun of living. It’s okay if you hurt me. Do you worst. I forgive you already Rudra.

[dumbmomo]

Rahma,

What you do- the way you are. No one else does it like that. No one else exists like that. I wish I could hold your hand and kiss your forehead. You’re my strong girl. It’s our little secret- the way you feel things, my goodness the way you understand things, I can see the river branching out I can see consideration I can see all of those thoughts Rahma. You do not experience it alone because I see it, nothing is more special that that. I love you and the way you do it is different, it’s you, and I love you, and I’ll never let you go.

[dumbmomo]

My god am I incredible for enduring the things I have endured, and nonetheless coming out the other side. I am an unstoppable force and I love myself and I can’t wait for it to snow

[dumbmomo]

I think you are incredible though, I think the things you create and write are exciting, I find your flaws to be very cute. I think the questions you ask are insightful, caring too much looks good on you sometimes. I think the way you love people is beautiful and I think the world loves you back in an indescribably special way, who are the leaves falling for if not you? Who are the stars shining for. Who do the birds chirp for, and who is the night silent for?

Sometimes I forget, to live is my job. To watch the flowers grow, to watch the seasons change. That is my job.

What a relief. All I am here to do is live.

[dumbmomo]

I am not the greatest, I never will be. What a relief it is that my only responsibility is to be as authentic a version of myself as possible.

[dumbmomo]

The only thing that has the power to destroy me is myself.

[dumbmomo]

I am the most simple person I have ever met. I just forget to eat sometimes. (I am okay with all of it).

I am not good at being simple

[dumbmomo]

Everything is about love, people live and get lost in it but everything is about love, that is something to giggle about I think

[dumbmomo]

I am not good at being simple

[dumbmomo]

I preach so much, but how long will i be able to rationalize how much i bite my tongue. I am aware it is a trauma response lol. I am aware sometimes silence is better than speaking, and that people need patience, sometimes there is nothing you can say.

But I am also aware the reason for my silence is fear, and is the next step always understanding how to be better? And if I can rationalize my way out of everything isnt it my job to be honest with myself and say “Rahma there is a way to be, this doesn’t feel right, if you can change then change.”

Is intelligence being able to rationalize the absurd or is deciding some things need to change regardless of reason.

[dumbmomo]

You’ve made me start feeling this love that is much bigger than I am. It is so scary but I think I am learning to be gentle with it. Things can be so mean and scary, my feelings are so hard to deal with I feel like my body is failing me sometimes. Loving you is new, and it’s different, and I feel it in its entirety. When I look at you I sink past all my feelings and needs and wants. I look at you and I feel peace, I feel gentle. I want to hold your face and I want to tell you “you make me feel things, but even if that changes I will always pick you, you will always be the decision that I make." I don’t know why, I don’t entirely understand what the biological logic behind that decision is. But I do understand that when I see you I want to take care of you so badly, I want to take every bad thing that has ever happened to you and put it in a box, and burn it. Love is a decision and I will always make it for you, you will always be my best friend, you will always be my love. Life became simpler when I found someone to do it with. I hope I found you in every universe. I hope somewhere right now we are little yellow ladybugs together.

[dumbmomo]

Sometimes I read some of my favourite philosophers works and I feel like maybe they were just poets who thought too hard, philosophy is so abstract, it is not a science and it rarely ever leads to an answer, or to fact. It is an art. It’s just thought. Dostoevsky said it the most lovely when he said thinking is a disease. I think that is why so many people yearn for peace, when you are thinking you are suffering, there is no thinking and peace. There is only one in the absence of the other.

You like to think because suffering is desirable, because sometimes the absence of anything is worse than sorrow. It’s a funny thought but maybe that makes you a bit of an absurdist, you are here to think, you are here to feel desire, is that not reason enough? (On most days)

People will always desire suffering and thinking will always invoke it and you will always love to think and I will always love you.

[dumbmomo]

I value sitting and being thoughtless yes, but my god is it fun to just think. People who preach enlightenment are honestly just coping (I am being hypocritical). Thinking is exhausting I wonder if I didn’t have brain fog and fatigue if I would think more and be a little more neurotic. Probably! Haha funny how being prone to exhaustion saved me from being a crazy bitch. I think when you learn to control your thoughts a little it becomes a very powerful tool, i have experienced years of spiralling and anxiety to maybe know a thing or two about this.