eleeses-great-perhaps-journey

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

— Edna St. Vincent Millay to Arthur Davison Ficke, 1922.

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To new beginnings

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Hace un mes estuve caminando por las calles de mi viejo barrio. Me encontré con mi yo pasada y detuve la vida en el 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020. Fue lindo despedirme y recordarme.

Mentiría si dijera que no fue doloroso. Lloré un poquito.

Añoré por un segundo poder entrar a la misma casa en la que pasé tanto tiempo, abrir la puerta de la terraza y sentarme a fumar en el alféizar.

Tuve ganas de decir que me llamaba Elisa, que tenía dieciséis años. Que vivía en el edificio rojo y blanco. Que estaba regresando del colegio. Era viernes, hubiese estado usando mi uniforme.

Fue lindo, amargo, doloroso, solitario, abrumador, sorpresivo. Estaba tan lejos de mi vida antigua.

Y agradecí tanto por eso, agradecí por haberme despedido de la vida entristecida y miserable que viví entonces. Adiós, pequeña. Ya no existes. Ya no dueles. Ya no eres real.

Recordarte con vehemencia no cumple ningún objetivo en mi día a día.

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

I don't even do yoga anymore.

I

I

I have a bittersweet feeling in my back pocket.

I take it out, carefully unwrap it. I devour it. I throw up. I cry. I admire the sunset. I say goodbye to my loved ones. I become a stranger to everyone and everything. I take my dog for long walks around the neighborhood.

I drink water from my pink water bottle.

I don't think I have ever felt something like this. I want to be moderately okay with not understanding why I always want to do or be something or someone different.

I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with feeling bad and not doing anything about it.

Happiness will come one day but right now I am pissed at everything and everyone. Fuck it. Fuck it. I am feeling sad and you cannot tell me otherwise.

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

believe us, they say,

it is a serious thing

just to be alive

on this fresh morning

in the broken world.

I beg of you,

do not walk by

without pausing

to attend to this

rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.

It could mean everything.

It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:

You must change your life.

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

Unsure of what I am feeling and doing.

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I think I am going crazy.

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Last day at the office.

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Not vaping. Back to the roots.

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hey what if i kept trying anyway because it’s my life and only i get to decide what to do with it

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Dusk.

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The last days at the office. I love this place dearly.

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The pink yoga mat and the heart-patterned blanket.

August 27th, 2023

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

Summer is almost over. I look back to the path I’ve walked and thank for all that has happened since I chose to become my own self.

I’m going to seek my great perhaps.

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

SAEED JONES

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

[eleeses-great-perhaps-journey]

god is hiding in between the pages of your favorite book that you haven't read yet and when you're done god will hide in another