elxy-x

[elxy-x]

Decompressing

Kids, if there is anything I can tell you is that life is wild. Take a break when you can---drink your green tea & smell the God damn roses. Life goes by too fast. It is December 27th, 2023. Let me tell you as every year passes by, I continue to have the best birthdays & Christmas. I spent this Christmas with both my mom's side of the family playing loteria, with my boyfriend: Austin Gabriel & went on a quick trip to visit a dear cousin of mine named: Adrian Alcantar. It was an amazing trip as he showed us around the fire station. A wonderful experience. I had the pleasure of spending Christmas with my mother & father around the afternoon. Before that, I was invited to hang out with a dear close friend named: Jon Beltran for A morning Christmas breakfast. It was delicious! They had eggs, sausage, biscuits, etc. I got to see my second mom for a bit and play trivia. We all exchanged gifts. After we headed over to my parent's plates-- it was such a good time! My father cooked tenderloin, mashed potatoes-- boy it was yummy! This was the first year we took family pictures and it was such a good time. Normally we don't take pictures but i figured I don't have enough pictures with mom and dad-- (odd I know). it was such a blast to hang out with my the two people in the world who love me the most. My mom & dad. I have taken them for granted for years, but not this year. The year 2023 was a big one. But i'll leave that for another post on here. Anyways, Ausint & I ended up taking funny "old school" JC Penny pictures/ Christmas pictures and it was a total blast. we received a lot of good feedback on it! It was one for the books. After, Austin & then went over to my brother's house in Lantana, TX. It was one of the sweetest interactions I have ever had. I finally got over my fear of rejection. I was able to talk to all my nieces and get to know them a little bit more. This was a huge and very monumental for me. I was able to break the ice with my sister-in-law about wanting to support the kids more and I did the same with my brother. It was beautiful. My brother sang Happy Birthday to me, as did the whole family. My heart was and is still filled. Breaking the barriers that I had been meaning to break for years. I broke the barrier with my brother about wanting to be closer to him and getting to know him better to create a relationship with him. It was amazing. I ended the night on a high note. I was thinking about how different my life had changed but then didn't. More so, I did a 360 and went back to where I left originally. Back to my family. & everything makes more sense now. The things I have been running from, fear, everything. I missed the friends that had cut me off due to some shortcomings on my end, and let me tell you the plot twist at the end of the night was receiving a message from someone that I didn't expect. One of the reasons I became sober, but choose to ultimately do for me first. Yezzy. She messaged me: "happy birthday", with something else attached that I have yet to see because I have been so busy with me :) Life is wild. Remember that what is meant for you will be yours always. This was a past best friend/ family. As for the message, I am still digesting how I feel about it. I do not think I am going to respond, however. I am proud to say that I want to continue working on myself and I have goals. I am putting myself first from now on. No more fear. I think for me it is still too soon to speak to yezzy. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Much love,

To Growth. Xoxo.

[elxy-x]

Preface to the next book

Hello darlings,

I come to you whole & bearing with wisdom. Austin Gabriel & I have been working towards our future together. Kids, I promise you that when you know something is for you-- it will be fairly obvious. This man lifts me up where I belong & I hope I do the same for him. I think of my favorite things about him is that he is quite literally my best friend. I got his back & he has mine. We can make each other laugh & we always want to be around each other. That's how it should be. I finally found the umbrella, the missing piece. God willing one day, I get to marry this man. Always remember, what is meant for you will never leave. Don't fret.

Much love,

Future mom, God willing.

<3

[elxy-x]

It's over

I can finally say that it's over. I wake up in the morning & I'm the happiest I have ever been. It's over. You may still come across from time to time, but I am happy. It took-- about a year & a half to realize who you were as an individual. A year & a half to get over you. A year and a half to realize why it never worked between us. You were never my husband, in fact, you were never a husband. It's over. I am so happy with my whole life. I am officially about 8 months sober, aspiring to be a nurse & with my future husband. I have never been so happy in my life. My heart is full. It's over. I know now why things happened the way that they did and I am living in the moment. & I am so happy.

All the trauma, arguments, the disrespect you had towards me, the resentment, it's all over & I am happy to say: "Fuck you, the past & any negativity." You made me think I was never good enough for myself. It's over. :)

[elxy-x]

my mind & me- we don't get along sometimes

you still haunt me, but I know this is part of the healing process. I finally heard the words: “ you inspire me to be better, and I to want to change becuase you give me more of a drive.” And boom, you fucking came back. FUCK YOU. I later realized that thoes were the words that i wanted to hear from you... and I heard them from Austin Taylor Gabriel. “Shit”, I thought. “This isn’t right.” It still hurts, but like I always say healing is never linear and these will be some of the triggers i guess....7 years....*ugh. I had a dream about you last night and I want nothing to do with you anymore....please God....just let me be happy...like how you’re happy with her. I promise I wish you the best....with her...

[elxy-x]

life updates, feelings, thoughts, and growing pains.  Chapter 1

hey there. It's really been a time for me and my spiritual growth. I don’t where this path is leading me in life sometimes and it scares the shit out of me. I’ve lost a lot of people that I always thought were going to be in my life, yet here I am still going. The only constants in my life have been God, my parents and my family. But then again, I guess that’s all I ever really needed. I’m really learning how to be whole by myself. Ironic because I am dating someone named: Austin Taylor Gabriel. The name has a good ring to it. I can for sure say that from what I have seen so far I like his mentality on things and he adds to my happiness, which I absolutely adore. I still live in a lot of regrets and the guilt sometimes eats me alive a little. This is the consequence of my actions, the best I can do is learn and change for the better. I’ve been having a hard yet, easy time adjusting. I know really know that we never really get to keep anyone in our lives. If we are lucky-- we get to “keep them” at least until they pass away. Some people-- a lot of people really just come and go to teach us lessons, to brighten our days, and make a gloomy day seem like we still have a fighting chance at the perplexing thing called life. Some people grow to be your best friends and stay for life. I am learning to let go with grace, no resentment...it’s ok. Really, it is guys. I realized this is was the most whole I have ever been in my life when 2 of my best friends departed from me. The crazy part is that I was still happy deep down inside when these series of unfortunate events occurred. I can’t sit there and be upset about anything because I see people die every day at work and life is way too precious. I would be doing Mr. Rodgers an injustice or other patients that I work with. I think to myself: “if they can still smile and they are bed bound-- essentially. chained to a bed, then who the hell am I to not live my life to the fullest? I have to live my life happily and to the fullest, for God, me, and lastly to the people that can’t anymore. I am still fighting my demons every day, but it’s going really well. I am 37 days sober and I don’t really miss the alcohol which is weird. 

Chapters 1 and 1/2 

I have met a wonderful human being at a very strange time in my life. Right when I was done with relationships and trying to make things work. He goes by the name of Austin Taylor Gabriel. He is absolutely incredible. He is very caring, humble, funny, super goofy, and is always willing to try new things for me. “Hell was the journey, but it bought me heaven.”  Come to think of it now, if I would have met Austin any sooner I don’t think I would have cherished the connection as much as I do know. I went through so much shit and trials and tribulations and was about to just give up on the idea of finding someone that it made me appreciate finding someone like him. He’s very different for sure. Last weekend it was spent together with him, I danced with him in his living room ( country dancing to be exact). It was magical like I had met him before already. He’s the best buddy that I never had in a significant other. We both feel the same way. he asked me out at his house on March 2nd around 11pm or midnight. Shortly after....well you know how it goes. We had sex to Taylor Swift in the background, her folklore album to be exact. And let me tell you. That. Shit.Was. Magical. Everything about it. Also, this is the 3rd time I’ve had sex with Taylor Swift on in the background. Its my guilty pleasure. Things are easy with Austin, super easy. We think a lot alike and respect each other much. The first flower that he bought me were sunflowers, although they were rather dead lol, and he bought me journals and beautiful pens so that we could get to know each other.   He’s very supportive, is always excited to see me, and has beautiful blue, green, gray, teal colored eyes that are my favorite to look at while he is “smitten” looking at me. Austin may have just “came at the right time in life and I am very lucky” per my therapist, but honestly. I want to figure things out for me now. I want to make me happy and be there for my first. For the first time in my life, I am putting me first, learning to say no for my mental health and I'm not afraid to do so. I’ve taken so pictures with Austin at the Photo Booth where I used to all the time, I've decided that its time to make some new memories. Austin is very attentive, gives me my space, is very understanding, and is very attracted to me, haha. I met this man right after I ended things with Josh Beckham, and guys let me tell you this was a blessing in disguise. I haven’t met the new me yet, but I'm sure she would be proud of all the choices and the decisions that I have made. I was getting the bare minimum with Josh and didn’t see it becuase I was told I was being “unreasonable” too “overwhelming” and “too much”, but it was the other way around really. My last words to him were: “Please do not contact me unless you want to make things work. I want to find my husband.” I  And that’s  what I did. I focused on my own short comings, as I still am and here I am. I trust God with all my heart and I don’t know why he’s doing what yet, but I know it will all make sense later for sure. He has never let me down. I find peace now in just being alone....maybe thats why my parents just like being alone...it’s just easier. Spending time alone is one of my favorite things to as of now.  I have picked up new hobbies: running, photography, tennis and biking all coming here soon this summer! Austin will be my new jogging buddy. Cheers to new chapters. 

[elxy-x]

“Hello my name is Elxy & i’m an Alcoholic”

It’s me again, your mom. Hey lover! Husband, I am writing to you all again. I can’t wait to meet you guys. Each day that I am working on myself I become more and more eager to meet you all, especially you-- husband. To my dearest husband, I want to say that I am trying to be better for myself for the first fucking time in my entire life. At the age of 31 years.  I have finally decided to go sober. Hello, my name is Elxy and I am an alcoholic. These were really hard words to say out loud. For years I thought I had control over my drinking, but I never did. It made me a very ugly, unattractive person when I drank and changed my personality at times. It was not until a terrible incident where I lost a best friend that I realized that I needed to change for me. “Shit”, I thought. I needed to get my crap together so I did just that you guys. I am sober 10 days, and I have started going to AA meetings and they have been life-changing. I have met so many wonderful people there that have already started impacting my life positively. I have started reading more, being outside more, picking up new hobbies such as: photography, thrift shopping, cleaning and even journaling out my thoughts more frequently. It’s been great. To my dearest husband, please don’t fret, I promise that this is for me first, because I know that I have to want to change for me first, but I also want you to know that I am doing this for you. I want better for us both and our kids. With the grace of God, anything is possible. To my kids, I am sorry if you ever get to read this, I think this is one of the harder posts that I would hate for you to read but I want to show that we are all human, we make mistakes and even I have to work on myself every day. Therapy has been helping tremendously. Lastly, I want to say thank you. I’ll find you guys someday. 

[elxy-x]

Julio Cortázar, from "Bolero" (trans. John Joseph Lyons) [transcript in ALT]

[elxy-x]

Marie Nizet, from “The Torch,” Belgian Women Poets: An Anthology, edited and trans. Renée Linkhorn and Judy Cochran (ID in ALT)

[elxy-x]

The ClimateRx program empowers healthcare providers to protect their patients from threats to their health posed by climate change. ClimateRx connects healthcare providers with tools, training, and community to engage their patients on the issue of climate change. Learn more here: ClimateRx.org

[elxy-x]

I have so much I want to tell you, and nowhere to begin.

J.D. Salinger, Raise High the Roofbeam, Carpenters; Seymour: An Introduction

[elxy-x]

Hello Strangers,

It’s me, your mom again. Hello future husband. I wanted to check in and let you all know that it didn’t work out with the last guy I was dating. That’s ok. I made a very difficult decision to cut him out of my life. He was lost and could only meet me where he has met himself. There was a lof inconsistency and he never initiated to be able to make plans. Husband, future kids. It’s ok to cut someone out for this or even less as long as you feel that it’s going to benefit you. He was a great guy just not there fully as a person. I trusted my screaming gut and as always, shocker. It was right. haha. Guys, always just fucking trust your gut. Seriously, it will save you so much time. I am learning to be by myself and just fully accept that I don’t have control over anything lol. Life is too fragile, people come and go and whiplash can happen oh so fast. I’m just here to enjoy the ride now. It's been interesting. The job is going well, i am reading more, journaling more and joining a running club at UT Southwestern. Your mom likes to jog!! Your dad is going to hate me because he will have to join me on my runs :)

[elxy-x]

what if i could have kissed you for real every time i wanted to. sometimes when you smile i have to force myself to look away from your lips. you remind me of rivers. what i mean is you’re a sunbeam and i want to drown in it.

[elxy-x]

“I want to know you.”

[elxy-x]

Hey Love,

It’s me again you guys. Here to tell you and remind me that I still have a long way to go in regard to growth. I have had a lot of epiphanies in things that I would like to work on. But first, I wanted to say that: Elxy, I am proud of you. You are trying your best and you are doing the best that you can. You have been through a lot and it’s finally time to slow down and breathe. You deserve it.    Take the time you need to find yourself again Elxy. It’s ok to be by yourself and give yourself the love that you’ve been searching for in everyone. The love that you could never seem to find in anyone else. The love that you expected from your significant other, the love that you tried to find in your ex, the love that you try to find in your friends. Sweetheart, it’s always been in you. Buy yourself the flowers, hold your own hand, talk yourself dancing lovely. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You are loved, you are beautiful, you are funny, you are kind and considerate, don’t you ever give up. I will find love when the time is right and I have all the faith in the world that God has someone for me. I trust in Him.  

[elxy-x]

Mental Health 

i love my therapist but i hate being in therapy. 10 minutes before my appointment, i'm in a meeting with my boss - we discuss my artistic choices; my boss recommends i artistically choose less. 10 minutes after therapy, i wash my hair and think about everything that was said, and then i have to switch it off, like a lamp, and go back to work again.

i was on a walk the other day and someone had the perfect combination of his cologne and whatever-else. it was almost exactly his scent. i fucking hate that. after all these years, i remember that? i tell my therapist - i feel like a fucking wolf. try telling a middle-aged blonde lady. oh i scented him on the air. i'm 30, and i'm having a panic attack over something that would be a plotline in the omegaverse.

what they don't tell you about mental illness is that if you are lucky enough to survive it into adulthood; it becomes a weird slice of your life. because you do, eventually, have to build a life. i realized in a panic somewhere around 22 - oh. i don't know what i'm fucking doing, because i always assumed i'd just go ahead and die. i didn't die, and i'm grateful for that, and i'm very happy about that choice. but it does mean that i am an adult in an apartment, living with my conditions side-by-side like. oh, that's my roommate, adhd. ignore the glass, bytheway, that's ocd.

so you pick your stupid life up by the scruff of the neck and you're, like glad for it (so much laughter and light and friends you would have never thought possible, when you were in the worst of it). but it feels so strange to be dancing around these odd little microcosms, these patchwork moments of your symptoms. if you have a panic attack at night, you still need to wake up and walk the dog in the morning. if your depression is making everything boring, well, you don't have any sick days left, and a job's not really supposed to be that exciting anyway. your ocd tears out each individual leg hair, and then, an hour later, you sigh, patch up the bloody bits, and go get dinner with friends. and the life is kitten-quiet, mewling and pathetic, but it's also like - it's yours, so you're fond of it.

and it's like - you're real. so you still enjoy pushing the shopping cart really fast and then riding on the back of it down an empty aisle. and you're not, like, so sick anymore that when you accidentally drop a mug you burst into tears (except for the days you do that. which are bad). and no, you're not allowed around certain items anymore. oops! but you've learned to be good about brushing your teeth most days of the week. and you sometimes in the middle of the day you have a little freak-out about how fucking unfair it all is, how fucking hard, how other people can just do this without having to fucking hurt the whole time. and then you sigh and force yourself to sit down and fucking journal about it so you can tell the nice middle-aged blonde woman yeah i had a hard day but i practiced grounding. you still sometimes want to burst out of your own skin, but you force yourself to eat kind-of healthy and to take your vitamins. you let yourself chop off all your hair in the sink in a dramatic poetry of control and relief - and you also have developed good hobbies that help you move your body more frequently. you feel helplessly behind, lost in the shuffle - but you also practice gratitude, taking stock of what you have garnered. because you're trying. even if you're never gonna be normal, you have something... close enough.

and the little kitten of your life, this mangy, starlit tigercub, this thing you expected to rot so young: in your arms, it turns itself over, belly-up. exposing this new soft part, all the organs and guts. like it's saying i trust you now. you won't give me up.

[elxy-x]

i know the only way out is through. i know this heavy. my body still remembers the sensation of my baby teeth. a natural lover, she reminds me: after you lose things, the emptiness will be a smooth and bloodied place. be careful and bite gently.

the only way out is through. but i want to be out already. i want to be basking on the top of the mountain with the sun shifting her warm fingers over my stomach. i want to breathe deeply without feeling my chest tighten. i want to say don't worry, i've got it and mean it. i want to have my life behind me, evergreen, full of laughter and music and dancing. strong and friendly. this thing i have right now - this haggard, unkempt sapling - i want it to be whole, already. i am sick of dragging my wet misery behind me, a bleating lamb, a worried sheep.

i want to collect my life like a pair of mittens. not even something explosive, raucous. just the certainty: my home is warm and it's all been worth it.

[elxy-x]

Susan Sontag, from As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980; February 20th, 1970

Text ID: All pain enrages. Why am I not in contact with my anger? What do I feel? Depression. But that means I am “depressing” another emotion. Despair, then. But despair is a conclusion one draws from a history of pain (it’s happening again).