ember373

[ember373]

1/1/24 2:50 pm

It’s a new year. Usually that means fresh starts and new beginnings, right? But what does it mean if you wake up to a smoke filled house? Please don’t tell me it means my new year will be ‘fiyah!’. I don’t believe it.

The oppressor and his little protege left this morning to catch a train for a family trip only they were privy to. I sound bitter about that, but really, I’m not. Not in the way you would think anyhow. Perhaps I’ll address that later, if I remember. It started with his loud voice at 6 in the fucking morning telling her to hurry up and that they’re late. No, jackass, nobody in the house is trying to sleep. Asshole. They finally leave and I think ahhh…the bliss that is sleep will return. But then I hear some damn repetitive noise that lulls me from sleep and fully wakes me up. At 6:30 in the freaking morning. It’s Princess’ alarm. That she forgot to turn off. oh joy. Settle that piece of business, take care of some bathroom biz, and settle in to try to get some more shut eye.

Only to wake up to “fire, fire” and loud beeping. All through out the gawdamn house. I get up and go to see what’s setting off the alarms. Nothing upstairs but there seems to be smoke in the stairway leading downstairs? So I go down and the whole downstairs is filled with smoke. What the? I go in the man cave and it’s so freaking thick, and I immediately go to the fireplace. Yup. Fire burning there. I open the sliding back door to let the smoke out and then find some tongs to open the flue. then I open some more windows before finding a bucket to fill with water to douse out the remaining flames on a durga flame log. What the ever living fuck. You have got to be kidding me.

Not one to keep my mouth shut, I text his Overlord. Told him omg…you closed the flue and fire was going and now the whole house is filled with smoke. Not wanting him to panic, I proceed to tell him that I have it handled, I turned off the central heat, opened all the windows in the house, and even called non emergency 911 to let them know that if a neighbor calls them because they can hear alarms going off in my house for a while, that I have it handled and they don’t need to send anyone. The operator asks if she should send an ambulance to check for cO2 poisoning just in case. Thinking of the large ambulance bill, I tell her no. The only ones home were me, the middle child, and his friend. They were in his room, with the door shut, and the window wide open because that room gets hot. So they didn’t have any smoke in that room. The only one that would have been affected would be me. But I’m not incurring a large bill because of that. I’m fine. So I tell her don’t worry, we’re all fine. I then proceed to look up signs of cO2 poisoning.

Dizziness, upset stomach, headache, etc. hmm. I feel fiiiiine. Although a bit later I start to get a headache. A few hours later after I eat lunch, I get a bit nauseous. But I didn’t pass out and I didn’t throw up so I’m sure I’m fine. lovely visions of going to sleep and not waking up start to entice me as I continue to clean up the mess.

And by clean up, I mean just go around and light candles to try to get rid of the smell. I also made up bowls of vinegar and trays of baking soda to try to absorb smell. Of course the laundry room is right off the man cave so all of the clean clothes now smell like we spent a weekend around a camp fire. I dump all the baskets and pull all the clothes of hangers to rewash EVERYTHING. Oh joy. I was almost caught up on laundry too. grrrr.

Oh, and his lovely reply to my afore mentioned text? I didn’t feel it. it just had a small piece of wood left. I was afraid of it getting cold if I left it open. sorry.

I about broke down. Still fighting it, if I’m being honest. A small sorry and he goes about his lovely planned day of frivolity and fun. No is there anything I can do. No suggestions to help. Just sorry and then a few pics of the princess and her spoiled cousin sleeping on the train. Thanks.

I messaged A to let him know what happened. I don’t what I was expecting. sympathy? Like I would get that. I mean, I got a oh that sucks type of message. I just told him I probably wouldn’t be on much today and left it at that. What was I expecting? For him to ask what he could do to make me feel better? pffft. He just left me alone like I asked and went back to whatever it is he does all the day the 15 minutes he’s not talking to me.

And it just…hit me. How cruel the universe really is. Be it lessons or just the inhumane desire for it to kick me while I’m down repeatedly and not let up. Universe is on my side my ass. Oh but it doesn’t give you lessons you can’t handle? bull fucking shit. That’s a load of crock people say to make themselves feel better. If I wasn’t so damn stubborn, I’d be dead by now. Do you know I actually got pissed off when I was reading how cO2 poisoning can cause death? I thought to myself, you stupid bitch-here you had the perfect opportunity to end it all and you let it slip through your fingers. I could have just let that fire burn and let it fill up the whole gawdamn house indefinitely until I inhaled so much of it I just wouldn’t wake up. It wouldn’t be like anyone would think I did it on purpose. Perfect opportunity. gah!!

But no. I had to do the responsible thing and get my ass up and find the cause and then clear the smoke. It’s not that I want to live or some part of me wants to live. Nope. I’m just a stupid bitch who didn’t see her perfect opportunity. So I’m still locked in this life for who knows how long. My mom is in her 80’s. Her 80’s!!! I don’t want to be around that long. Pointless.

And ever since the overlord got that TBI, I’m even more stuck. I don’t feel right leaving, not when his brain isn’t 100% there. And this fire? I won’t say it out loud, but this is probably residual brain trauma. He thinks he has all his executive decision making abilities back, but I know he doesn’t. And I can’t say shit because then he gets angry and takes it out on me. Just like he did everything with the TBI. I can’t ever get anything right. I try to keep him in the hospital until he’s fully cleared and everyone else pushes him to leave so I sit back and watch him leave. With no home recovery instructions. Nothing. And everyone asking me how he’s doing, don’t leave him alone, while he’s yelling at me not to talk to anyone and to leave him alone. His once slow burn temper has turned into a hot fierce flame spot. Sure it calms down quicker, but that’s because he’s not letting it build up and letting things be calm for any amount of time. It’s always insta anger. Idk which is worse. Not knowing when he’ll explode, or knowing he’ll explode all the time at anything I do. The doc told me I shouldn’t let him make managerial decisions so I let his work know because he WAS TEXTING THEM and what do they do? They tell him 2 fucking days later. So he can yell at me. The financial shit? my fault. Never mind he’d set a fucking bathroom remodel that never had anything signed regarding financing so I had to get cash out and pay with cash and credit card because it was too late to cancel. But that was wrong too. I “wiped out” his bank account. And the way he said it made you think I did it on purpose.

I’m still dealing with back lash from that damn TBI. IT TAKES A YEAR TO HEAL. At least. But he’s so convinced he’s 100% that he won’t listen to anybody. Until he’s feeling repercussions that is, and then he gets mad that all the people he yelled at to stop talking about it actually stopped talking about it with him because, you know, they should ask him how he is and show they fucking care. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! CAN’T WIN!!!

So even if my scared pansy ass got up the nerve to leave, I don’t feel comfortable or safe doing so because he’s still dealing with this brain injury. At first, I thought maybe it was the universe’s way of setting me free. His temper now surely can’t handle the things I do. But nope. Seems he’s even more steadfast since I helped him through it and continue to be “his rock”. I don’t want to be his damn rock. Where is my damn rock?!?

Well, what about A you might think. Yeh. no. I think he genuinely cares for me, but he doesn’t have it in him to really care about me. He only stays because I make it convenient for him. I don’t talk to him about my feelings hardly. I try to stick to things he likes. I try to appear upbeat and worshipful, which is easy when all we do is communicate by text. I make it very easy for him to use me and not have to give a damn. *sigh* He does try. I know he does. but…would it kill him to do something for christmas or my birthday when I’m always doing things for him? I even tried to tell him I’d stop because everything I do is stupid, but he said he’d be sad. So he wants me to do things for him while he doesn’t do anything for me. Last year he at least told me he was thankful I was in his life along with the Merry Christmas. Some very hard to say for him heartfelt words. But this year? I got a well, whatever, Merry Christmas, I’m going to bed, because he was mad at his family.

I’m just so tired. so bone crushing soul aching tired. My job is crazy and not as fulfilling as it used to be. I mean, I like it, but it’s kinda hard when I know it will never be able to support me if I ever left. And by that time, I’ll be even older and unemployable. With no medical. no benefits. No vacation or paid time off. working my ass off always anxious as to whether I’ll hit enough hours or not.

I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this. My kids don’t really need me. I want out of my marriage. A could probably care less if I left or, at the most, would be sad but would quickly move on. I’m not needed or really desired by anyone that gives a damn to stop and think what would possible make me happy and then try to do it. I’m just here to take care of everyone and try to guess what they truly need while they half ass it and don’t really pay attention or listen to me. I’m drowning and nobody gives a flying fuck. And, I mean, why should they? I’m not that great. lmao. I’m just a short, fat, old, weird looking chick who’s so love and attention starved that she’s constantly doing things for other people desperately hoping someone will do something for her and getting bread crumbs. But ya know… I’m fat so they probably think I should have anything more than that. ha!

I hate this life. I really do. I love my kids. I love most of my family. Ok. all of my family. I care about my friends. but I really don’t have anything bringing me joy. the joy people feel that makes them hold on to life and want to keep living. But here I am. And here I’ll be. I’ll probably live to be 120. In misery the whole time. Because I’m an ungrateful bitch who doesn’t know how to be thankful for what she has. Someone else can have it, ok? Can I just not exist anymore? sure, people will be sad, but they’ll get over it. all of them will. there’s not a person on this planet who would be devastated by my death. I’m sure they would all say they would, but I know it’s not true. idk. Maybe it’s the tism. maybe I just don’t understand things. Either way…I’m just done man. Even the cards hold nothing for me. I’m just existing one day to the next, trying to make people happy, but all the while dying inside and wishing I wasn’t here.

Ok. Useless whining over. It’s almost time to switch laundry again. I’ll go back to keeping it all to myself and pretending to be ok because oh yeh, did I mention I don’t even have a therapist anymore? The universe continues to prove to me that it hates me with a passion. You can’t change my mind on this.

[ember373]

4/8/23 4:08 pm

Hmmm…interesting date and time. I’ll ponder over that another time…

I just finished an erotic vampire/werewolf novel. I really shouldn’t read those. They get me all worked up and remind me of what I’ve been missing all these years. The primal love. That physical closeness. That feeling of desiring someone and being desired back. It makes me ache. In more than one place. My heart…between my legs…ugh.

It makes me wonder tho. That physical desire is such an important thing, why does A stay? It’s been over a year since he claims he’s had any sex, yet he stays. Why is that? Am I worth it? Of course, this is if he is actually speaking the truth about not having any since we met. But I do believe him. I’m just not sure if it’s because I just really want to believe him. I’m not sure if there’s that much of a difference anymore.

I have two theories.

We’ll start with the worst one first. And that is that he really doesn’t feel that much of a need for sex. Since he doesn’t feel that need as intensely then maybe he just keeps me around because it’s fun to play with me and I give him a sense of superiority. He has control and power over me and that can be quite addicting I would suppose. He’s just biding his time until either his mom forces him to go on dates or he finds someone himself. Why not play around and get his kinky satisfaction before then?

The other theory…I’m not sure actually if it’s better or not. The more I think about it, the more I can’t wrap around my head around someone just keeping me around for fucks sake unless they either are playing with me or…they love me. He knows if I leave, I’ll come back. I’m his. There’s a solidness in that. I think maybe he can almost rely on it? But you know… I do seem to think like it’s not always necessarily me begging to come back. I mean, it is, but it’s because he’s opened that door waiting for me to step in and do it. And because I love him, I do. I feel that maybe he does need me and I’m more than happy to always go back and love him more. I sometimes wonder if I really left-what would he do? Would it upset him? Or would he just shrug and move on?

I think…his seeming indifference sometimes is because he doesn’t want to be vulnerable. He’s been hurt so bad and doesn’t want to be hurt again. And I want to be with him with everything I am but… I mean… doesn’t he deserve better? More? I’m past my prime. There’s nothing remotely sexy about me. I can’t even do things right and I don’t try hard enough. I’m depressed as fuck which saps up energy I could use trying to please him. *sigh*

And this whole just waiting for him to leave me thing is killing me. It’s just an axe hanging over my head-when will the final blow be? Will today be the day he decides to end things? Will it be tomorrow? How long can this last without physical touch? I mean…he didn’t even want to come see me in AZ. I wasn’t worth the effort. So why does he keep me around? I don’t get it. I’m trying to prepare myself for the devastation. I know the loss of him in my life will devastate me. I also know I probably can’t ever have him so that loss is inevitable. It makes everything feel so…unreal. Why am I alive? I just don’t see a point anymore. Can I take the place of someone who’s fate is at it’s end? Give someone who wants to live the chance at life? It’s such a waste on me.

Trapped in a marriage I hate. In love with someone who most likely doesn’t love me back and never will and will drop me at any moment. My kids don’t really need me. I’m estranged from my family for the most part. My in laws irk me. My friends have their own lives and other friends and it’s so easy for me to slip out of people lives with my silence. Can I just slip out of this one and not have one anymore? Can I just not exist anymore? I don’t even have a job I love anymore. There’s nothing for me. Everything I do is for other people. My existence is for other people. I’m tired of it. If the universe doesn’t feel I deserve anything, can’t it let me go? Why does it have to be so cruel and keep me going…

All this from an erotic novel. Ffs. I had so many eloquent thoughts and insights in my head and when I sat down to type them…garbage. What’s the point anymore then? I can’t even whine properly anymore.

[ember373]

11/30/2022 8:51 am

Old man is walking down memory lane

His piercing stare tears out through the rain

You can see in his eyes

Ain’t too much life left in them veins

He tells his son I’ll be out on the run

If ever, I get out of this chair

And if you don’t mind,

I’ll be out of my mind

Thanks for the time you could spare

Cause I know you’re leavin

Don’t leave me believing I might

Your smile is misleadin

Your eyes are deceiving my fight

Cause I can’t hold on

And I can’t move on

Young man is walkin down Faith Avenue

Can’t understand what he’s fixin to lose

You can see through his tears

A moment of fear creepin through

He tells his father he woulnd’t even bother

If ever I could over you

And if you don’t mind,

I’ll make up for lost time

I swear on my life this is true

Cause I know you’re leavin

Don’t leave me believing I might

Your smile is misleadin

Your eyes are deceiving my fight

Cause I can’t hold on

And I can’t move on

Cause I know you’re leavin

Don’t leave me believing I might

Your smile is misleadin

Your eyes are deceiving my fight

Cause I can’t hold on

And I can’t move on

-Colloquy by Whiskey Myers

I joked with A once that our song was this one song that had a line in it about having a voice that was too high in it because we both have higher pitched voices sometimes. Really, I thought our song was more like Hallelujah but I didn’t want to tell him that. Now tho? Colloquy is our song. And it makes me cry just about every time I hear it and I break again and again. You’d think there’d be nothing left to break, right? Heh.

Old man is me. Remembering the brief times where he adored me. Told me he’d cherish me. Asked me what makes me feel loved. Wondering how did it end up like this? What did I do wrong? Why is there so much wrong with me that he can’t love me? Why am I not good enough? He really liked me at first. But I broke it. Like I always do. And now…idk. It’s just…broken. And that breaks my heart. I’m broken. In so many ways. And I feel like I can’t put the pieces back together anymore. He has the pieces of my heart. Someone else has the pieces of my life. My job has the pieces of work me. My kids have the pieces of mom me. But it’s all broken. And I’m finding I just don’t want the pieces back. They can keep them. So I’ll leave my heart broken. I won’t search for new love. I’m not worth being cherished and adored and loved, so why try? He can keep them. Not that he wants them, but they can stay at his feet. Invisible little pieces of me he won’t even know are there as he eventually moves on with his life. Eventually they’ll fade away. I’ll fade away. I’m old. I’ve asked this before, but how much time do I really have left? How much time will I have left if I just give up? Ain’t too much life left in my veins. I’m barely hanging on. Living for other people. My kids mostly. They need a mom I guess. So I keep breathing in and out. Keep doing the things. Keep getting up in the morning. Keep putting that smile on my face and pretending like everything is alright when it’s not. Nothing is right.

I’ll be out on the run if ever I get out of this chair… If I ever get out of this cage, I feel like that. Run far run fast run free. I mean, obviously, I wouldn’t since I have to stay by my kids. But my soul would feel like that. My heart would feel like that. My mind would feel like that. Run far fun fast run free. And I’m sure I’ll go a bit crazy with the freedom I’ve wanted for so long. And by that time, A will have long moved on and I’ll just be a fading memory soon to be forgotten. But I’ll always be thankful he came in life. Thankful that, for one brief moment in time, he seemed to cherish me. That seems to be all I get in life. Brief moments in time. Enough to wet the appetite, but not enough to live on. Forever starved. Ok, I’m kinda being dramatic, but whatever. This is my post and I can do what I want. And besides, on some level, that really is how I feel. But I’ll still be thankful. Gotta find things to be thankful for, right? But I know that eventually he’ll leave my life. Find that person that makes him happy. Move on and leave me far behind. And, at one moment in time, I thought I’d be leaving with him. That it was actually possible. I’ve never seen his eyes, but he sure had me fooled that he really cared for a little bit. That he really wanted me. And i fought those demons. I fought them to stay by his side and not run away and be better for him.

But in the end? It all went away. The fight wasn’t enough. I’m left with…close to nothing. Responses to messages hours later, if at all. A few sentences at most. Nothing revealing, nothing personal, just shit he could talk with anyone about really. I just happen to be the name on the Discord message at that moment. In the next moment it will be someone else. Maybe he’s already replaced me. I know he thinks he hold on because he cares. I mean, it doesn’t affect him that much because he never loved me. He considers me a friend. Even tho he won’t let me in. I gave him my everything and I suppose he likes that. So he thinks of me as a friend. But really? I’m just a sycophant that makes him feel good about himself that someone worships him and loves him so much and is willing to do anything for him. It makes him feel good about himself. But it doesn’t make him want to return any of that back to me. Why should he have to? It makes him angry that he might even feel like he has to.

And before where I would ‘beg’ to be in his life, for him to tell me what would make me happy so I could do it, where I would hold on so tightly afraid if I let up for a second he’d disappear…now I just can’t hold on anymore. That part of me that wanted to please him and make him happy broke. I still want to, but I know that I’ll never be able to. So why try? He will forever look down on me. He doesn’t respect me. He can’t bring himself to tell me he respects me. Because he doesn’t. He can’t bring himself to lie to me and tell me he does. he doesn’t want me to feel bad, but he can’t say something he doesn’t feel. Just like he doesn’t love me. He can’t tell me something he just doesn’t feel. I think, he got sucked in by all those people calling me milf and the excitement of it all. And maybe he was even proud for a second that he reeled me in when so many seemed to flirt with me. He probably thought I really was a Milf and was some trophy. But then he saw me. And it shattered the illusions he had about me. His reputation is important to him. What are his bottom lines? His family, friends, and his reputation. That’s when it dawned on me. I’m bad for his reputation. I’m not the hot milf he thought I was. I’m just a kind fat old lady. How will people look at the Young Master if he favors someone like me? They’ll laugh at him. Make fun of him. And he can’t have that. And now we are where we are. And I still love the asshole. So those two lines will really hit me. I can’t hold on. It’s not fair to him. It’s pointless. Nothing will ever happen. But I can’t move on either. And at this point? I really don’t want to. Let him be the last. Get rid of the hope. Get rid of the impossible dreams. Just let it die. Let my heart die.

One of my suicidal ideations is R turning into an absolute asshole and taking everything because he has the money to hire lawyers and get them to twist the truth. Like what happened to my older sister. And just like my older sister’s daughter turned on her and wrote a long letter about how horrible her mom was and how she was never there, I imagine my daughter doing the same to me. Enticed my material things from her dad, she testifies that I was never there. And he wins sole custody and they order me to pay child support that I don’t have and I can’t live. So I grab a handful of digoxin and head to the beach. And as I’m saying my mental goodbyes and getting ready to swallow the pills, A calls. he felt something desperately wrong and calls me. He never calls me. So I answer because this will be the last time I talk to him and it seems fitting that the last person I talk to before I die is the one who has my heart. And somehow he gets it out of me what I’m doing there and he won’t let me off the phone all night because he’s afraid I’ll take my own life and he can’t live without me. he flies over and finds me and takes me away because he actually loves me.

Funny right? I should write badly translated novels. Or maybe I’m just reading too many of them. But it doesn’t matter what scenario I have, he always rescues me. Which is dumb because let’s face it-there is no connection there. He doesn’t feel it when I’m sad. Or upset. He’s certainly not going to feel it when I have suicidal ideation or even if I tried to act on it. If I ever did anything he might catch wind of it and go oh sad, she was a nice lady. And move on. Not too much to process there. I try to stop him from saving me. Tell myself that exact thing because I know that’s the reality, but he still saves me in the end. So dumb. But it got me to thinking…when he eventually disappears out of my life, who will save me then? But then again…it probably doesn’t matter. Because even if he moves on, has moved on, I just can’t seem to.

As unworthy as I know I am, as much as I know I’m lacking in every way and he knows it-I still feel like he’s losing something he needs. That we could have had this beautiful thing. We both could have healed and been happy. I could have made him unbelievably happy if he’d just let me. So sometimes I really feel that this young man doesn’t really realize what he’s losing when he lets me go. But maybe that’s why he holds on to me. He doesn’t want me, but he wants the love and care I give him and he’s afraid to lose that. So he’ll throw me a good morning every now and then to keep me on that line. Because he doesn’t want to lose me. Even if he doesn’t want me. But he doesn’t realize he’s already lost me. I don’t believe in us anymore. I know now that it will never happen. I see the truth that he’s known all along. I fear that he’ll move on with someone else and I imagine all the time one day him telling me he’s getting married but I won’t even have a clue that there was anyone in his life until that day because he knew I’d disappear the moment he tells me there is someone. And just like his fear, I disappear after he tells me. Even tho I know it will eventually happen, and I want him to be happy, it will still kill me. And the jealousy will eat me alive and I’ll be bitter. Bitter towards him. And I don’t want that. At that point, I know I can’t even be a good friend to him anymore. And the hilarious thing is…it will never come to that. Because I’m sure I’ll fade out of his life long before that. And I’m not that important to him so he’s not going to be afraid of anything. So maybe the young mad isn’t him. I just wish it was. That’s probably more apt.

But in this fantasy scenario, he can’t get over my care for him. It’s kind of addicting, you know? Having someone that threw themselves at you and did things for you that they claimed they never did for anyone else. It’s power. And power is addicting. So he wouldn’t bother with me now if he could get over me. Get over that power. But he can’t. He likes it. So he comes back every now and then and throws me the good morning bone to keep me biting. And, so I won’t disappear, he’ll have a conversation every now and then to make up for the times he didn’t. Give me just enough to make me stay. He’s stuck like I am, but for very different reasons.

He can’t hold on to me. And he can’t move on from me. For now. But someday he’ll meet that person and then he’ll be free. And he won’t look back.

Man I’m so fucking delusional sometimes. Lmao. After getting all that garbage out I realize-this isn’t our song. It’s just my song. We’re not that close. His feelings aren’t that deep. He’s a nice guy that thinks I’m a nice girl and he’s just trying to be nice to me but no, he doesn’t want me in that way. But I’d be a nice friend. So I’ll keep all of this bottled up and try to be a nice friend.

Until he doesn’t want me anymore and goes away. And I’ll just leave that hole there. My heart doesn’t want to let go of him anyway. I’m kinda used to the pain. And that’s probably how I’ll leave this world. Years later, loving a man who never loved me and moved on because that’s what he should do. that’s what he deserves to do. I know he’ll eventually leave, but what can I do? As for me? We’ll just leave that alone now. I think I’ve been depressing and idiotic enough now. No need to make myself an even bigger joke, hmm?

[ember373]

11/30/22 12:24 am

Have you ever had a thought in your head, and it’s the middle and the end, but the beginning is kind of hazy? That’s where I’m at right now. Lol. Trying to figure out where to start with this thought that I want to get out.

I feel…trapped. Stuck. I keep doing hard things thinking that it will be the turning point to something better. I took the first hard step, now the rest should be a little easier, no? But that doesn’t seem to be the case. I believe that everything happens for a reason and, while we should never stop striving to be the best version of ourselves and improve ourselves, there are some things you just can’t control. Things are a bit more settled than they were say a few years ago, but they’re still…hmm…idk. I’m still sad. And trapped. And want to die just about every day. I’m still…so…tired.

I needed to get a job, so I got a job. A great job! I love my job! But…it doesn’t pay me enough to be able to support myself on my own. No benefits. No paid vacation. I get to help people…but there’s no help for me. It’s depressing. So I’ll either need to eventually leave my job or… :/ And all money keeps getting sucked into expenses they shouldn’t so I haven’t saved any because I’m just so tired and don’t want to write endless lists of bills to try to get every penny back that I should. It’s just easier to give it all up. So I’m working…to make him happy? So he can spend more? So he can be relieved of financial pressure from his dumb choices? Fuck me…

And that’s a whole other thing! I did the hard thing and talked to him and now? Nothing. It’s like the talk never happened. I could see him trying and it lasted quite a while and I though oh. Maybe he changed? Not that I would want to stay because of it, but it’s a bit more peaceful. Except…it didn’t last. He’s winding up again. The other day he made me cry. I had to hide downstairs and muffle my sobs because I didn’t want the kids to know. And he was oblivious. Outside hanging up Christmas lights. He was frustrated, yelled at me and made me feel like crap, and was able to go on with life because the pressure was relieved. But what about me? I just get to cry. I’m suffocating. It’s ok you’ll learn to breathe. I want to die. Well, let me do the dishes. I’m depressed. I won’t say anything about the house for a while. We’re good, right? Right? Fucking A. I think he was just trying to be nice because I must be going through a phase. He doesn’t hear me when I tell him I’ve felt like this for years. He doesn’t listen when I told him I wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic because I’m that unhappy. He didn’t hear me when I told him I miss physical contact and don’t want it with him. Or rather, he heard. He just ignored it. If we don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.

But you know what? If I got my wish, then what? I have a job I can’t support myself on, I’ll have no healthcare, I have nowhere to really go…. What a joke. Young master was right. My life is just one big joke.

And schooling? Ha! It’s farther away than I thought. And if I leave, then what? I can’t even manage to hang on to my money, how am I going to pay for school? And ya I know what? They want me to go to school to put some letters after my name to make the reports look better, but are they going to pay me more? No. Are they going to pay for my school? No. So now I’m like what’s even the use?

What’s the use to do anything anymore? I feel like I’m in quicksand or something where every step I take just sinks me more instead of bringing me closer to my goal. And sitting still doesn’t help because I’m still sinking, just a tad bit slower. I feel like there’s no way out. I hate this.

And everything with YM…ugh. We’re back to me messaging him and him ignoring me. A sentence here and there. Every day I tell myself it’s for the best. He deserves better. Just be his friend. You have no right to want him. You’re way too old. Too fat. Too emotionally unstable. Too crazy. Too old looking. Too plain looking. You’re just not the standard he should have. Why did you ever think that you had a chance? Lmao. So may better women out there and I always think I’m special. Ha!

You know, I’m so tired of putting my all in and still not being good enough. My love. My loyalty. My humiliation. My joy. My tears. None of it is ever good enough. I remember when we first started talking he told me he would cherish and adore me. Ha! That quickly changed. Now he can’t even be bothered with me most days. He found me lacking. I’m not good enough. Not strong enough. All I want is to be loved and adored. Is that too much to ask? What about me makes me so unloveable and not able to adore? What about me is never good enough? Never mind…I know the answer to that. EVERYTHING.

So I think I’m done with love. This last one just kinda broke me. And I really don’t feel like bouncing back up and trying again. I still want him. And I’m kinda content to just leave it that way. He wants me to find someone who will love me and make me happy? Pffffft. Moron. That person doesn’t exist. They never did and they never will. And ya know? I’m so old now. How many years do I have left? Hopefully not many. One of my grandpa’s died at 54. If I could only be so lucky. That would give me mmm…8 years left. Bah! That’s still too long tho.

I think instead of hoping for love and someone to adore me, I’m just going to hope for death. Maybe, if I wish it with all my heart, I can manifest it to happen. I’m tired. I don’t see a way out. I can’t leave because I have nowhere to go and no money to support myself. I’m stuck here. I hate this. I hate this so much. Why am i so goddamn unloveable? I guess after his long if I still don’t have an answer to that, I never will. So get busy living or get busy dying. I guess we all know which one I choose. Hm.

[ember373]

11/20/22 10:26 pm

It’s nearly 1:30 am there. You’re probably sleeping. Sleeping well? I doubt you get restless nights over me. Lol. I’m not that special. :p

It had been a while since we talked. I’d been sick and you…idk. Were being you I guess. Doing your thing. Not really caring where I was? Idk.

We talked today tho. A little. You told me to do what I like. You should really stop telling me that. Lol. One of these days I’ll do exactly what I’d like to and you’re going to wonder why you’re getting a phone call from some deranged little person saying they flew to where you are and could you please pick her up now? >.< I kid. sort of. ;) Joke away the pain, ya know?

I told you that every time I thought of reaching out, I remembered how much of a joke I was to you and that you didn’t respect me and I just couldn’t reach out anymore. It really did crush me. But maybe, not in exactly the way you would think.

You see, I kind of know a bit about you. How you work. Or, at least, I like to tell myself I do. And I could be waaay off, but I don’t really think I am. And here’s the thing. I know you get in this mode. You have this persona. Young Master. YM for short. Cuz I’m lazy. Anyway, I think, you say and do things as YM that you ordinarily wouldn’t. And it’s not that you necessarily believe or mean these things. It’s part of the persona and the ‘sick’ way you get off. And there’s a part of me that understands that. Now I would prefer to be spanked and then cuddled, but you’re just not the cuddling type. Takes up too much of your time and energy and I get that. People fucked you over and this is what you became. And I’m trying to work with that. And I think most times I can deal. But that last time…I guess I couldn’t deal. Because the spank was too harsh and it left me reeling. And there weren’t any cuddles. Even when I asked for them. There weren’t any cuddles. There was just…I don’t want to talk about this right now. *sigh*

Look, I know you don’t like talking about it. I know you’re ashamed. You feel guilty. You feel like you shouldn’t be that way and nobody in their right mind would willingly put up with what you dish out if they had any self respect. Or sanity. And you have a hard time with me because you think I’m this sweet caring person and I deserve someone who will dote on me and care about me and love me and crap, right? But, and I don’t know how many times I have to say this, you don’t get to decide what’s best for me. Hell, even I don’t know what’s best for me sometimes. But, I do know, I want you. Yeh. I still do. After all that’s happened and even now, I still want you.

Deep down I know you didn’t mean what you said. it was my demons taking something and running with it because they want to keep me miserable for some odd reason. But even today, I had a need to know that you really don’t feel that way. I get you don’t deeply respect me. Maybe you just barely respect me? Idk. But I know you don’t necessarily feel the things you stated earlier in the week. But ya know, if you’re not gonna cuddle-at least help clarify. I know I freak out a lot. A lot. I was hitting my head today because I was like fuuuuuck…I did it again. What he always accuses me of. Running away and ending things and being all final. Which I know frustrates you. BUT YOU FRUSTRATE ME TOO!! Grrrrr!!!

When I look at myself in the mirror, most times i literally ask myself what the hell am I doing? What am I doing messing with someone almost half my age? What am I doing thinking I could even remotely fulfill the needs and desires and wants of someone so much younger when there are so many other women out there who are prettier, smarter, kinder, thinner, funnier, more stable…I could go on and on. I think I’m a pretty awesome person, but I know I have my flaws. And i think there’s a very specific person that will be able to put up with me. Ok. Two specific people. One is the one who ignores me and that’s just not healthy. And the other is someone who loves my crazy and my cuteness and my adorableness and I once thought you did, but maybe…now? Not so much. I think it’s only cute in the beginning. And then it gets old real quick. >.< Sorry. :/

So, I know that whatever we have isn’t going to last. Even when I get free…you’re not going to want to mess around with someone like me. You’re going to want kids. You’re going to want someone you can bring home and be proud of. Not defensive of. Your family, your friends, and your reputation. Those are your bottom line. And I realized, I really don’t do anything for your reputation. I bring it down. If I were single, I kind of doubt you would want to tell anyone we were together just because not only am I so much older, but I’m also not a MILF like people joke about. I’m far from it. How you can be the study young master if the person you’re with looks like me? Lol. People will think you’re crazy. You have a reputation to uphold, after all.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here. Maybe you’ll decide once and for all that you really can’t deal with me. I’m just too much. Or maybe you’ll want to keep me in your life. I have no clue. I do know that I should probably give you some space. I’ve done enough damage and all I seem to do is drain your energy. :/ We never talked about it, but I’m sure all ‘other’ is off. As it probably should be. I’ll try my best not to flirt. It might really be broken now anyway. I think…you appreciate me, but you’re not able to tell me. And that’s something I struggle with. if you told me you appreciated my love, that would be one thing. But you never do. Because you don’t feel I should ‘waste’ it on you. It’s not a waste, but you never listen to me when I tell you that so I guess I’ll just stop trying. I still love you. But I think I’ll just try to hold it in. I hate that, but it might be better for you that way.

I’m sorry I’m so difficult.

I’m sorry I’m so emotional.

I’m sorry I freak out.

I’m sorry I’m crazy.

I’m sorry I turned out to be fat and old and not that cute. >.<

I will never be sorry for loving you. Ever.

I hope you don’t hate me. >.<

[ember373]

11/12/22 3:43 pm

Game on!

There’s a movie from the 90’s where the two lead characters play street hockey. When a car comes, they move everything over and yell “Game off!”, and when the car passes they move everything back and yell “Game on!”. That what I feel like with me and you. I don’t even know how it happens, but you always say I started it. I realized tho that this time, there was no inexplicable joy like the last times. And I wondered why that is.

Slowly thinking about it over the last few days I think I realized why. You used to adore me. Cherish me. Ask me what made me happy. Tell me how sexy I was and how you considered me partner material. I do what I always do-I tried to please you. Make you happy. Do the things I know you like even if they made me uncomfortable or were degrading because I knew you would like it. Only…now? You don’t adore me. You don’t cherish me. You don’t care what makes me happy. You told me you don’t respect me. That I’m basically a joke in your eyes. And i just realized how very much that hurts. But I can’t tell you. Because then you’ll end it all and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. But at the same time… I don’t feel like that upbeat person you used to adore. I very much want to be here for you. To show you that you can be loved for exactly who you are no matter how vile you think yourself to be. I’ve been taking it all in an effort to try to get you to see that. To see how very much I love you. But in the end? I’m a joke you don’t respect. I went from being cherished and adored to a joke you don’t respect. All because I tried to love you and accept the way you love in return.

You really don’t make it easy on a woman. If I stick to my guns and hold on to my pride and dignity and let it get in the way of loving you, you’ll get bored and leave. If I do what you want and try to make you happy, you lose respect for me and start to see me as less than human. It’s one or the other with you. And now, of course, I fall in the latter category. I realize now that you really will never love me. There really is absolutely no future. You told me this isn’t even a relationship. You’re just degrading me for your own enjoyment. And I’m letting you.

I keep asking myself why I let you. Do I think I deserve it? No. I don’t think I do. I think what it boils down to is I see the potential of you, of us, of me when I’m with you…but you don’t. For some reason, I can’t let you go quite yet. I can’t stop loving you. Although…this realization may very well be the beginning of the end. It breaks me that you don’t respect me and think I’m a joke. I could take it all if you loved me. but you don’t. I’ve really been fooling myself this whole time.

But do you know why I stay? Because I’m using you too. To keep other guys away so I don’t fall in love and fuck someone over because of the situation I’m in. To have something else to focus on when I really feel the shittiness and exhaustion that is my life. To have someone to please and that will throw crumbs at me (you’re so cute, it’s adorable the way you beg). I guess, in some sick way I really do think I deserve this. But if you think I’ll put up with this after I get free, well…I’m sorry to tell you that won’t be happening. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will never love me back. Who will never cherish me. Who will never respect me. Who will never think of what will make me happy and then try to do it.

But for now, this will work. I have zero expectations anymore now that I know how you truly feel about me. So you won’t have to worry about me going off the deep end. I’ll still get jealous, but I would hope you would at least have the decency to stop messing with me before you start anything, healthy or not, with another person. I don’t know if I’ll be able to be friends with you after this. Why would you want to be friends with someone you don’t respect? And you have plenty of other friends. You don’t need me. I just amuse you for now. So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll play my role and get some sick satisfaction out of it. But once I’m free…fuck everyone and everything. I don’t trust anyone. Don’t trust myself. Don’t trust that there will be anyone on this damn planet that will ever love me for me and want to make me happy and fill that void in me that’s been there for so long. At that point, you will have used me up so much that I think I’ll just be done and finally able to let go of the stupid notion that I’ll ever be loved. I’ll get to live my dream of being alone until I die and be at peace with it.

I hope.

But until then…Game on!! Bring it.

[ember373]

11/3/22 8:15 am

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck….still love you. :/ *sigh* Why am I so dumb?

[ember373]

11/3/22 12:12 am

I’m back from the concert. I called it. When I left at 5:30 to head to the venue, your status said you were playing League. Lmao. I knew you wouldn’t show. I knew the cards were wrong. But…I still hoped. How much of a fool am I? >.<

I stood in line alone. Bought my merch alone. Found my seat alone. Had brief conversations with the people around me and thanked the heavens above that they dim the lights during concerts so people don’t look at each other. I think someone was doing sexual acts in the seats next to me during the opening act. I was trying to ignore them and not look that way because they were annoying. The couple in front of me was all touchy and lovey dovey. And I was there alone. I had the thought that I should get used to it. That will be my life soon. And forever if I have any say over it.

The second to last song was Stone. As I listened to it, I felt my heart shutting down, as if it was listening to the lyrics and thought yeh…this is what I should do now. I’ve already broken a million times. It’s time to just let it be…stone. I would have cried except the annoying hoes that stood up to dance in front distracted me. They’re probably your type. Skinny. Pretty. Young. They can’t dance worth shit tho.

I felt…numb.

I cried on the way home. I cried that you weren’t there, I cried that you didn’t even acknowledge me when I brought it up, I cried that my dumb ass thought you’d remember tonight was the concert when you didn’t even remember my birthday. If it has to do with me-it’s just not on your radar. And then I cried because all I wanted was one memory. One freaking memory. One solid tangible memory I could hold before you slip away. And you wouldn’t even give me that. Couldn’t give me that. Didn’t want to give me that. Never wanted to give me that. And I think that may have broken me the most tonight.

Turning down the road that leads to the house I told myself that’s it! This is the last time you cry over him! Pulling into my driveway I told myself I’m done! And I sat there.

I felt…numb.

And then I wondered what you were doing. >.< Probably sleeping. Not thinking about me at all or even once today. Or in the last few days. Because I’m an idiot that fell in love with someone who isn’t real. A figment of my imagination. It was all just..a figment of my imagination.

Sweet, sweet heart of mine

I’m going to break again a million times

Or is this too far gone?

Or have you turned to stone?

Sweet, sweet love of mine,

I’m going to break again a million times

Or is this too far gone?

Or have you turned to stone?

Please…turn to stone….

(The concert was kick ass by the way. I wanna see them in Texas.)

[ember373]

11/2/22 11:03 am

Today is the day.

Today is the day I break my own heart.

I bought these tickets hoping to go with you. Foolish, I know. I’m always a dreamer. I always hope. Even tho I expect the worst, I hope for the best. The cards said you would come. But someone recently told me that the cards are just a physical manifestation of my inner thoughts. So if they come from me…they must be wrong.

I have learned to live with this ache inside my chest. I keep waiting for it to go away, but it doesn’t. For whatever reason. Maybe the fates have decided to be kind and make you the last one my heart falls for so I won’t have to go through all this again. I’ll just live with that dull ache and dream of what could have been.

I don’t think I’m going to make space for anyone else in my life anymore. Which means, I’m no longer making space for you. I am slowly facing the reality that you never had any intentions of filling that space. And that’s not to say you had ill intentions towards me. I think I just take things more seriously than others so while you were playing around, I was serious and took you for serious too. It’s my fault really. I do this a lot. I forget that I’m just a toy to mess around with for a while until the real thing comes along. I sure am fun to mess around with.

But I’m tired of being messed around with. I’m going to get my shit together and I’m going to figure out how to leave this toxic place, and I’m going to live the rest of my days doing little old lady things and wait until the good Lord takes me and decides where he wants to put me. I hope it’s not too far off. I’m tired. I’ve been tired. For a long, long time. and since the universe has decided that I don’t get a soul to find solace in, I don’t get a heart to rest in, then I just want to get this over with and, if possible, cease to exist? I must have been a horrible person in my past lives to have to go through all the shit my heart has been through. Karma can kiss my ass. Seriously.

I think…I won’t reach out much anymore. Yes, I know you like it. Yes, I know it makes you feel cared about. But you ignoring me is killing me. It’s eroding my self worth. I did it because I love you. Because I wanted to make you feel loved. And cared about. I wanted you to know that there is one person that loves you no matter what, no matter how horrible you think you are, for you. I had hoped my love might erode some of those walls and you’d let me in. But I realize now that’s not ever going to happen and everything I do, everything I’ve done, is futile. You never had any intention of letting me in. You are a never changing mountain. And I keep beating my head against all different sides of you hoping I can move you, but it’s not going to happen. All I’m doing is hurting myself. You once said you didn’t really care one way or the other if I get a hold of you ever day or not, so I’ll just stop. You’re indifference hurts and I’m tired of stabbing my own eye. I’ll just quietly love you from afar. Let you live your own life. Let you be. Like you want. So you can do everything you always like to do instead of interact with me and be happy.

So, I’ve decided this is my final hurrah. I took a slow shower. Shaved everything. Lotioned up to keep my skin soft and smooth. I’ll do my hair. I’ll put on light makeup (my damn eyes won’t let me do anything else). And I’ll go to the concert. Hoping with all that I am that by some miracle you’ll be there. I’ll stand in line. My anxiety will ramp up. Then I’ll go inside the venue, buy my things, and go sit in my chair. And then, it will dawn on me that you won’t be there. You never intended to be there. You never wanted to be there. I’ll have that empty seat next to me the whole night as a reminder that you will never choose me.

You never chose me. I fed your ego and so you kept me around so you could play the young master. But what will you do when I go silent? I already know. Nothing. You will do nothing. Because you no longer want me. Even a little. Just like the last time I went silent. You quit reaching out. You just let me go. So I guess it’s time I let you let me go and stop bothering you.

I’ll keenly feel your absence. My heart will break. I’ll hold back my tears because damn if I want to cry in public. I’ll enjoy the concert. I’ll celebrate what we had, as brief as it was. I’ll savor the memories of a time when I thought you cared and wanted me. When you adored me. When you considered me yours. I’ll cry during certain songs and hope nobody notices. Then I’ll go to my car and go back to the place I don’t like to call home.

And you? You’ll be playing League. Or watching YouTube. Or talking to people in the discord chats I left. Or hanging out with the real people you call your friends that get to see your face and hear your voice and know your last name. You’ll be doing anything and everything but thinking of me. While I think of you the whole…damn….time. I will remind myself of this and it will break my heart more. And I’ll just leave those pieced where they lay. I’m tired of picking them up. I’m tired of trying to put them back together and hoping that someone out there can ignore all the scars and imperfections and actually want to make a home in there. Why choose something old and ugly and broken when you can get a near new or brand new model?

I have realized something in all this. In all the things I think about that have happened to me. I will never be enough for anyone. I will never be accepted. Truly wanted. I will never find my home. You know my favorite saying…not everybody gets a happy ending. So I guess I’ll try to figure out an ok ending I can live with until the fateful day I’ll get to close my eyes and not have to live all this shit anymore. I’ll step on those broken shards of my heart until my feet bleed and the pain every time I walk will remind me that I’m just not meant to be loved. I’m too scarred. Too broken. I’m not worth fighting for. Being selfish for. Being…anything for. I was made to love other people, not made to be loved back. Not in the way I need. I will never find that. And I’m done trying.

So, I’m going to break my heart tonight.

And I’m going to leave it broken.

[ember373]

10/29/22 10:32 pm

I close my eyes and I’m back in those waters. Your waters. Not the ones that heal. The deep dark waters that always try to pull me down and keep me prisoner. I can’t seem to reach your waters that healed me. They’re gone. Why I stay in this murky darkness…I’m not sure. You’ve made it clear you don’t want me. You say it’s not a question of want, but that doesn’t distract from the fact that you truly don’t want me. So I question why I’m still here. Why I still try. Why I still throw pieces of myself out there hoping you’ll notice, acknowledge, accept-but only getting silence in return. Every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m surging to the surface to break free of the water-gasping for air and looking for your hand to hold me, to keep me up out of the water so I can breathe. So I can live. But when I break the surface there’s…nothing. Hours later you might respond, but by then I’ve already sunken back into the water. It surrounds me. It pulls me down again. Every time I break the surface and see little to no response, see that you don’t really care, that you’re just going through the motions most times and don’t truly care to respond, it gets harder and harder to try to surface again. I sink back into the depths and let the water surround me. Sometimes I fight for air-I fight myself to try to hold on to…something…whatever we were or are or could be? I don’t know. But I tell myself…you know he has a hard time expressing himself. His emotions. He does care. You know this. But why does it have to be this hard? Why do I have to love someone who doesn’t love me back? Who will never love me back? How do I separate the me who loves you from the me who is your friend? Is that even possible?

As I feel my body shaking, hear the cries torn from my throat as I try to silence them, as I feel my eyes leaking and dripping onto my chest-I imagine my body fighting for air in those waters, thrashing and turning to fight for something that only I believe in. I can feel my body giving up. My eyes closing. My muscles relaxing as I sink deeper down. My mouth parts to let the cold water fill my lungs. I just want to sink into the darkness and stop this fight. This fruitless struggle.

You were right. You’ve never changed. You’ve always done what you wanted to, when you wanted to, and treated me however you wanted to. It’s me that keeps changing. My expectations. My hopes. I had hoped you would love me. That didn’t happen. I had hoped you would see what we could be. That didn’t happen. I had hoped I meant at least something to you, something that would take me from the very bottom of everything you hold dear. That certainly didn’t happen. I think, I was important for all of 2 days. Those 2 days when we talked nonstop and you lost sleep over me. It’s almost like you were…fishing. Reeling me in with your personality and attention. And once you caught me, you put me in my designated slot at the back of everything else and slowly began the process of…ignoring me. I’m already a part of the collection, no need to expend much effort now.

Now that I think about it tho, you say you haven’t changed, you’ve always been the same, but you did. You most certainly did! And the change was from you trying to not trying much at all. From trying to fit me in your life to just getting used to my existence and deciding that I might be someone nice to talk to every now and then so you’ll keep me around. I’m kind and I’m caring and I’m loyal. You say I beg you to treat me like a pet but maybe that’s because you’ve always treated me like your loyal little puppy. When you describe me those are the words you use-kind, caring, and loyal. Not sexy or smart or funny or beautiful or intelligent or important or anything else. Just kind, caring, and loyal. Like a dog. Except, even your dog gets more attention and care than I do. It’s like a master reading the evening paper and after the 10th time their dog puts their head up under the paper, you give me a mindless pat to settle me down and then promptly go back to ignoring me. It’s not your job to feed me, to bathe me, to play with me. You don’t even have to give me pats but you will, because then I’ll stay around.

I still love you. I will always love you. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to move past this. I don’t want to love anyone else. But I can feel myself give up on actively loving you. Because while I want to give you all the love in the world and then some, it hurts so badly when I give you so much and receive so little in return. I know you’re capable of more. I’ve seen more. You just don’t want to. And that hurts the worst of all.

So now I’ll just let the water claim me. I might stick a hand out of the water every now and then. Remind you I’m still here. But I don’t really expect much in return. You may not like it, but eventually my hand may disappear all together. Or maybe…it won’t really matter to you and you’ll just go about your day, letting me fade into the background I was already a part of anyway.

This cold is familiar. This darkness. This numbing sensation in my heart. Perhaps the constant dull ache is so much better than the sharp excruciating pain that always seems to come when I love anyone. Maybe I should sit with this awhile. Wrap myself up in it. Let it just chill everything. Freeze it. Freeze the love I have for you within me until the dull ache from it just blends in with the rest. I mean, what does it matter if I feel? It seems to do me no good. The water always claims me in the end anyway. I should just…

stop…

fighting… … .

[ember373]

10/4/22 1:06pm

It’s been a looooong time since I’ve written any poetry. Mostly because I feel it’s all drivel. But a friend recently shared some poetry she had written. It was beautiful. And it inspired me to write some of my own. Here it is:

Sun and moon

10/4/22

DTA

You are the glorious Sun,

Bright and shining

And so full of force!

Vibrant and energy filled.

At the beginning of your life,

Ready to take on the day.

I am the moon.

Seemingly quiet and still,

But always changing.

Waxing and waning,

Sometimes bursting with light

And other times barely noticeable

As I huddle in the dark.

I walk the edge of twilight

Climbing the night sky

Slowly

Silently

Sometimes…seemingly tiredly.

Your energy is strong

And life giving.

Mine is gently calm

And somewhat soothing.

You rule over the day,

I watch over the night.

You are the Young Master

Of all living things.

Commanding them to Grow.

To Live.

To Thrive.

Those in your favor

Bask in your warmth.

Those who are not

Burn under your hot uncaring gaze.

I am pulled by you-

So strongly!

And through this masterful insistent tug,

I manipulate vast oceans of emotion

Causing seas to rage

And still.

Tossing things

Drowning things

Drowning…

Myself.

For I coveted you.

You showed me kindness

And I wanted more.

I greedily wanted

What I shouldn’t have.

I once thought

My oceans would drown you

Move you

Move you

to feel

..for me.

Budge you just the tiniest bit

In my direction

So I could feel your warmth upon my skin

Feel it sink in layer upon layer

Until it filled that hollow ache in my chest

And made me glow again.

Silly little moon.

Foolish little moon.

I rose to great heights

On the currents of your warmth.

So high

That I started to dream again.

To feel again.

To hope again.

And then…

You took that warmth away.

You threw me in darkness

Where fierce pin pricks of light

Stabbed my consciousness

With their blinding truths.

Silly little moon.

Foolish little moon.

How could you have ever thought

That the weak little light you put out

Would ever have the slightest effect

On his magnificence?!?

The audacity!

Know your place in the sky woman!

Be gentle and meek

And stop your raging!

Be quiet and still

And do not try to shine brightly

So that he’ll look upon you!

Stop trying to be what you are not.

You are not a little sun.

You are not even worthy

To be in the sky

at the same time as him most of the time,

You think you can move him?

Enough to stand beside him?

Enough for him to want to stand beside you?

Stay in the darkness, little moon.

You cannot withstand

The Greatness of the Sun.

You cannot fulfill his desires,

His expectations.

You will always be lacking.

He does not trust you with his heat.

He does not want your pitiful light.

Or your ridiculous oceans.

He cannot stand

Your ever changing nature.

He rules the sky alone.

He does not want you.

He does not need you.

He never

Needed

You.

And if,

Someday,

He actually wants to share that warmth?

It won’t be with you.

The Sun will rise strong each day,

Sharing his warmth with everyone

But you.

You will be an afterthought.

You will get the remnants

Of his big strong arms

After he has spent his days

Embracing everyone else.

You will be touched,

Ever so briefly,

Before he disengages

And forces you to leave his sky again.

Be grateful for the grace he bestows upon you.

Be thankful he deigns to even give you this much.

You thought you could embrace,

And even cover,

His brilliance?

You thought you could hold him,

Lure him,

With your “gentle” light?

You cannot hold on to him,

Little moon.

You’re not enough for him.

You were never enough for him.

You thought you had him and lost him?

He was never yours to begin with.

Ummmm…*sigh*. Drivel. Again. I had meant for it to be a hauntingly beautiful poem that would make my heart long and ache in all the right ways. And it turned into…this. The voices of negativity and darkness are strong within this one, yessss….. This one hurt. Like, really hurt. Made my stupid ass cry. Like wtf. Dumbass. Maybe this is why I shouldn’t write poetry anymore. :/

Oh and to that guy… ;3

Always.

[ember373]

10/4/22 10:47 am

I have come to the conclusion that love is for the young and pretty and skinny and not for the old and fat and ugly and who should die already.

Honestly, I don’t know what scares me more- that time will drag by and it will feel an eternity until death finally claims me, or that I’ll fall in love and death will seem to have come in the blink of an eye.

Oh wait. That someone would actually have to love me back. An eternity of pain and loneliness (and much drama) it is!!

>.<

[ember373]

9/30/22 10:51 am

I had foolishly messaged you and told you what the song had meant to me. Simple love. Simpler times. A person being home, not a place. And then driving today I heard the song again and it hit me. It destroyed me. This song…I will never feel that feeling with you. No matter what I try to see in the cards and make them say to give me hope, no matter what my “intuition” says or my heart wants-I won’t get it. You will act out that song with someone else. You’ll be two young kids starting out. How can I steal that from you? How can I be so selfish to want to steal that from you?

But I am…

[ember373]

9/24/22 3:43 pm

You messaged me and called my by my game name. Not my real name. My game name. So that’s where we are. I have officially returned to just a blip on a screen. Not a person. Just a blip.

I was delusional to ever hope to be anything more. I knew, but I still hoped. Stupid girl…when will you ever learn?

[ember373]

9/21/2022 1:30ish pm

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see…

I don’t. I really don’t. I see an old, fat, useless person who maybe once upon a time used to be kinda cute but now just looks old and tired and unhealthy. It’s hard for me to find love for that person in the mirror. Why does she deserve it? What about her is lovable? Who would want her? Who would be blind enough to want her? How on earth would they find anything about her attractive? Especially when standing next to just about any other woman out there. Why would anyone love me instead of someone else? Someone better?

And I wonder if she’ll ever know the darker side of me

Ok. “He’ll”. I think it’s really easy to see the sunny bright caring person I put out there and think I’m ok. In fact, I know it is, because it happens all the time. It’s Robin Williams syndrome. I don’t want to bring people down. So I hide how sad I am. How lonely. I cover it with hugs to other people and jokes and whatever else so they won’t really see it. But I have a very real deep need for someone to see that darker side of me and accept it. To hug all my jaggy little pieces even if they cut you and squeeze me back to whole. To listen and tell me that I am a good person. It’s not my fault. I’m loveable. Someone loves me in spite and despite of all that I am. Because I’m me. And they see me. And they love me.

Is my reflection just a shell of the truth?

When I look in the mirror and see my reflection-is that the real me? I know it can’t be, but I’m afraid that it is. What if there’s more ugliness under the surface and this is just the icing on the cake? What if I really am meant to be alone? What if all these lessons I’ve been beaten with over the years are really just to try to toughen my heart because it’s not my destiny or whatever to really ever be loved? Or is that shell of the truth easy to be blown away like a paper husk so that the real truth can be seen? That it’s all bs. That my light will shine soon. That I can be loved for who I am and what I look like and someone will actually be crazy enough to find me attractive and sexy and want me more than anyone else in the world? (that freaking scares me because I don’t even know how it’s possible because I don’t trust that anyone ever really loves me…)

Am I the living or am I the dying proof?

Am I really alive? Or am I what happens when you don’t face your fears? You just slowly die and whither away…

I’m learning to move slow…

This is hard. I want things to be done already. I want what I want and I want it now. I feel like I’ve waited an ETERNITY already. But, as anxious as I am, I KNOW that I need to move at my own pace and not let anyone or anything else hurry me along. I would love to have this all done and over with and have A love me and live happily ever after, but it’s not time. I know it. He knows it. I think. Or, I mean, it’s not something he ever wanted. But, at any rate, I’m learning to trust myself and trust that I know what the timing needs to be better than anyone else out there. And this will take time. For the least impact, it’s going to need time. :/

I’m learning to let it go…

I have so many things I need to let go of. My negative self impression. My fears. My need to please other people at the cost of myself. A. Even tho I want to end up with him, I feel like maybe I just need to let him go. Let him be happy. It’s what he wanted. I only made him miserable. So that’s the most important one…let him go. But I don’t wanna. So I need to learn how. Find a way how.

I’m learning most things a man my age is supposed to know…

I’m trying. I’m trying to do the adult things and take responsibility and face my fears and try to figure out how not to be such a psycho emotional mess and all that. Sometimes I feel like a very small child who has no clue about how to navigate the world. But I’m learning. I’m learning that holding on to someone that doesn’t want to stay is not a good thing. I don’t like it. Why would anyone else? I’m learning how to not lash out. (Still working on that one). I’m trying to learn how to be happy with just being friends with someone I want to throw my heart at because he doesn’t want my heart. But he does want my friendship. And…I need to learn to accept that he truly wants my friendship instead of sabotaging that with self deprecating talk. >.<

I’m learning how to write…

Think before type and send. Think before type and send. It doesn’t always happen, but I’m trying. Trying not to lash out. Not to manipulate. Not to play those little games to see if people care for me. To write out how I really feel or confront people with things that hurt me and give them a chance to stay in my life if they want to instead of running away and making all the decisions by myself.

I’m learning how to sleep at night…

Ok, I’m not doing this one. I’m still having trouble sleeping at night. Sometimes I stay up until 3-4 am reading just to try to keep my mind off of thinking about him. Wanting him. Being sad that he doesn’t want me. Seeing him in my “dreams”. But I need to learn how to do this. Important for health and all…

I’m learning after these years how to be thankful for what I got…

Oh for sure! I was never a super materialistic person but living how I’ve lived and seeing money just thrown away and…I just… it makes me realize even more that it was never about the money for me. The most important thing for me in a man is not how much money he makes. It’s the love and how strong and nurturing it is. A fancy house ain’t home. Home is where the heart is and money can’t buy a place comfy enough for my heart to reside. But…I have been given much and even tho things suck and I’m depressed as hell, I have been given blessings I should be thankful for. I mean…A came into my life, right? What a wonderful blessing…even if he did break my heart. >.<

And I carry on, with a heart of stone, and calloused hands…

My therapist tells me that the bravest thing after getting hurt isn’t to wall yourself off or shut down your feelings. It’s to put your heart out there again and again, despite the fear and the pain you know will probably come. I call it stupidity, but she calls it bravery. But every time my heart gets broken, it trusts a little less. I don’t know how much more trust I have left. This world is too tiring and disappointing and nobody seems to think I’m worthy enough for their love. But I’ll keep working at it. Toiling away. Because it’s what I do.

Sometimes I think I’m crazy washed up in the brain…

Well…yeh. I mean…I’m hella emotional and sometimes I can’t control them and they spill out onto the people I hold dearest to me and then I’m just like ahhhh!!! I need to leave so they don’t have to deal with that. It’s not fair for them to have to deal with that!! I love my crazy self, but sometimes I do wish I was a bit more stable. It gets exhausting feeling so much all the freaking time.

As for my youth I threw most of those years away…

One of my saddest regrets is the gap in age between A and I and that we couldn’t be closer in age and met at a better time. Would things be different? Idk. All I know is I wasted over 20 years with a man that I knew I shouldn’t have married in the first place. Just what have I done with my life?

And I can’t even apologize for half the things I’ve done…

I’ve done so many stupid things. So so many. Where do I even begin to apologize? Is sorry ever enough? Can I just say one big sorry for my whole existence and then disappear? *sigh* Can’t change who I am. I shouldn’t apologize for who I am. But I know there’s things I’ve done that I probably should apologize for.

Or all the nights spent looking down the wrong end of a gun…

I don’t own a gun. Never shot one. But if we’re talking a verbal gun? Yeh…been on the wrong end of that one and hurt people more than I should have. Once is more than I should have. :/

This is my letting go song. Reminding me that it’s time to grow up and move on. To accept the things I just can’t change. I can’t change A’s heart. There’s just nothing I can do to make him feel the way I want him to. And I need to accept that and let him move on. Even tho every fiber in my being is telling me not to. I need new fibers. Seriously. But it is a good wake up song. Wake up girl. This is reality. Not everyone is gonna love you. Want you. Find you even slightly pretty. You’re not what people want. In the slightest. Not in that way. Do what you’re good at-love on people. Make them feel better. Let them know they’re loved. But don’t ever expect that in return. Stop being that selfish. Harden your heart. Turn it to stone. Face reality and get ready for more work. Because there are always people that need loved. And it’s the only thing you have to give, even if it’s never enough.

[ember373]

9/7/22 8:24 am

It still hurts.

I’ve been trying really hard to convince myself that I’m ok. It’s ok. This is all ok. I tell myself that he deserves this. To be free. To not be with me. He’s young. He has his whole life ahead of him. He deserves a long happy marriage, kids, someone his family will approve of…. Someone who is not broken and used up. Just because I felt something and saw potential doesn’t mean that the potential should be realized. It was a selfish dream. The equivalent of stealing his life, really. He deserves so much more. So much better. And even tho I hoped…I’m not entirely vain enough to think that I’m the best thing for him. That only I can fill a hole he needs filled. There will be better. Why fill something with dirt when you can fill it with gold instead?

I force myself to imagine him with someone else. Get used to that idea. I’m going to have to get used to that idea if we’re going to be friends. He’s going to find someone else. Love someone else. Touch someone else. Someone else is going to make him smile. Probably more than I ever have. Someone else will be in his life. Wearing his ring. Sleeping in his bed. Having his kids. I imagine him telling me he’s getting married. Having a baby. Being unbelievably happy.

Because he deserves all of it and more. I wish all of that and more for him. Things I can’t give him. He deserves a kind sweet woman. Maybe with a soft southern accent. Tiny and cute and innocent. Feisty but oh so kind. With a heart of gold. Someone he can lean on and trust and place above all others. A priority. Someone worthy of being his priority.

But it hurts.

Some days I almost think I’ve succeeded in walling up this pain, this love. Pretending it doesn’t exist. I try to convince myself it doesn’t exist. I tell myself that I never saw his face so it should be easy to convince myself that it was all just a lovely dream, right? It didn’t really happen? I mean, how real can it be? I don’t think it was that real to him. I mean…he was so nonchalant about it all. So easy to accept it and move on. Relieved even. Probably realized his mistake once he saw my face. Once he saw all of me. Just because a person has a nice personality doesn’t mean they will be nice looking. I’m sure I was a huge disappointment to him. So he never got attached. Never cared that much. Certainly didn’t fall in love with me like I did with him.

Idiot.

So now he’ll move on. Probably already has and I just don’t know it because he doesn’t like to talk about his life. Everyone else will know before me. He’ll probably drop it in a chat group and I’ll hear about it weeks later.

And it will destroy me.

But I’m trying to make it ok. This is what he deserves. Someone sooooo much better than me. Someone who will make him happy. Someone who will be so amazing that he’ll actually love her. He’ll want to give up time to her. Talk to her. Hold her. Be with her. That certainly wasn’t me. I didn’t inspire those things in him. I just gave him grief and shame and guilt and encroached upon his time. I gave him hated obligations. I tried to give him love, but it didn’t work. It wasn’t good enough.

Today, I realized-he’ll never let me in. I asked the name of his newborn nephew. A name. Not even the full name. He didn’t want to give it. It’s unique he says. And that’s when it hit me. I’m nothing to him. Just a random voice on the internet. Not a friend, like he tells me. I bet he told all his friends at his UFC night the baby’s name. People he meets in real life. But I’m just words on a screen. Someone to keep at arm’s length and never give any personal details to because I’m just a blip. I will never be a part of his life. If I disappeared today, he’d only be sad that there’s one less person to relieve his boredom.

And that hurts. A lot.

But what can I do?

Nothing. </3

[ember373]

9/1/2022 8:47 am

I sent the little ones off to school today. Well…they’re not so little anymore. But I returned to an empty quiet house and felt, for the first time in 60 some days or so that I could breathe. And the thought immediately occurred to me that now I can cry and nobody will hear me. The “little ones” actually started yesterday, and that’s exactly what I did. I cried in the shower. Big ugly deep wracking soul wrenching cries. And instead of stifling the sound and trying to quiet the high pitched intakes of breath, I let it out. Let myself sound like a wounded animal being drenched in a warm rain. I honestly don’t even know if tears came out, the water down my face was enough I figured. May body needed to shake. To tremble. To let out all the screams it had been holding in. So as my liquid lover washed over my body, I let the darkness come out and I cried.

Crying is supposed to be cathartic. You’re supposed to feel better afterwards, right? Like a great release? But I just felt myself starting to go numb. Losing hope. Losing…my light. I did the thing. I did the thing that was so fucking hard to do. The thing that I’ve felt the universe was telling me for years that I needed to do. My karmic lesson, if you will. I always think of other people first. I hate hurting people. I’ll stifle everything in me and lift up the people I love. You don’t like that? Oh. It’s a part of me but I’ll cut it out of flesh if it will make you happy. You want me to do that? I don’t know that I have it in me but I’ll try my damndest if it will please you. How can I please you? How do I not hurt you? Stabbing this knife into my chest repeatedly will keep you from being hurt? Ok…that’s what I’ll do. Over and over again. Until something in me would snap and I’d start to self destruct and I’d ruin everything around me. I love you but you’re killing me and you don’t even see it. You don’t want to see it. You don’t care to see it. I loved you so much…did you ever really love me? And not just the idea of me or who you thought I was or wanted me to be? Did you ever really truly look at me and see me? I can only take so much.

But I don’t wreck things in a grand explosive kind of way. It starts small. Whispers in my head. Tiny tendrils of darkness that reach in and start telling me things that I start to believe. You’re not good enough. They’re better off without you. There are so many better people out there in the world. You’re replaceable. You’re not that special. Why did you ever think you were anything special? You were just a stop along the way to their final destination. Did you really think anyone could ever love you? You’re such a mess…really…you thought that? You’re not beautiful, you’re not that smart, you’re hella awkward, you get super obnoxious, you’re overweight…seriously overweight, and people don’t really like you. They’re just being nice to you.

And I let it take me every time. I let it pull me down back into the depths of it’s cold embrace where I feel like nothing. Absolutely nothing. And wish I could become nothing. Exist no more. Then the destruction comes. Little things. A word here, a word there. A long thought out diatribe (is that the right word? I’m too lazy to look it up. We’ll go with it…) listing truths I know will hurt. Will permanently cut people from me. Slice them off of my flesh and soul and set them adrift to be carried by the tides of life far far away from me. And I tell myself they’ll be better for it. And I believe it. Mostly.

I’ve always imagined myself in the ocean. At the surface a storm rages. And I get caught in that storm, being tossed about and crashing against sharp jagged rocks, desperately trying to resist it all and survive until my body (my heart and soul) can’t take anymore. then I kinda give up. And the moment my ‘defenses’ are down, that’s when it comes. Those dark tendrils, winding around my legs. Sliding up my wrists to secure my arms. Covering my mouth to silence any screams. And it starts to pull me down. Down, down, down into the deep. Down into the cold darkness where there is only pain. And loneliness. And grief. And self loathing. And hopelessness. And all the other dark bad creepies that tell me over and over “you’re not worth it. You silly, silly girl…you’ll NEVER be worth it. EVER.” And I so I just sort of…float there? And I let it all wash over me and seep into my very being.

Every now and then, I fight it and claw my way back towards the surface. Sometimes I even pop my head out of the water and can breathe for a time. Inhale great deep breaths of love and hope and feel worthy enough to take in that delicious beautiful air. Every now and then the storm will calm and I’ll find a rock to lean against. To hold onto. To steady me and help me refocus. And it’s…nice. But I’m never out of that water. Ever. And eventually…the rock disappears. Because I’m never good enough to hold on to it. Or I just let go and pushed it away because I feel like I’m not worthy to rest upon that rock. I’m too much of a burden. And so I get set adrift again. Waiting for the storm to take me. Again. Waiting for my defenses to fail. Again. Waiting for those dark tendrils to sneak up on me and start pulling me down…down…down. My capacity to hold my breath is great. I’ve never drowned once. I always just sit there…in some sort of stasis…trying to do the perfunctory things needed of me and wondering when this will all end. Can it please end? I’m so tired…

And that’s kind of where I am right now. Being pulled down into that darkness. Numbing myself so I don’t feel the cold as much. That cold that could kill me if I allowed it into my lungs. I’d love to allow it in, but my stubborn self just won’t let that happen. So I hold my breath. And wait for that final darkness to come. I fear I have a ways to go still. But, eventually, it has to come. Right? That becomes my hope. Not to find the strength to rise to the surface, not to find another rock to cling on to, not to look for a way to feel the sunshine on my face and the wind playing with my hair. Just…the darkness. That is my hope. It’s the only thing I can see sometimes that will end this stupid cycle. I’m tired of being in the ocean. I’m cold. I’m hungry. I’m miserable. I really do want to feel the sun on my face and the sand in my toes. I want to walk of my own volition and see beautiful sights. But I just don’t see it ever happening. This cycle has been happening for so long. It’s just…my life. And those sunny beaches of warmth and light and love and belonging and everything I’ve ever yearned for? Those are for other people. Not me. Because I’m not good enough. Have never been good enough. Will never be good enough.

Such bullshit right? Seeee…that’s why I’m not good enough. Lol

It’s been almost 7 years. 7 long fucking years of not having been kissed. Not having been touched by a love that heals instead of hurts. No warm embrace to settle in. The only warm embrace I encounter now is the water that envelops me when I take a shower, sliding down my body like the hands of a liquid lover until…I end up crying. Aching. I have rediscovered the wonderful sensation of driving with the windows rolled down, letting the wind currents whip my hair around. I love it. Because it’s like a lover playing with my hair, sending it this way and that to cause those feel good tinglies on my scalp. I’ve started appreciating those little things more and more. Getting into a cozy warm car on a cool day. Lying in a patch of sunlight coming thru a window. Being still to bathe in moonlight. I’m sure there are more, but my mind is drawing a blank.

I’m sure I had some more wonderful drivel to write to get out of my system, but it’s left. My brain is going empty. Going numb. I think it’s time to go. Until my next idiotic post….