encontrole

[encontrole]

Kaidan sigh-laughed as he sat beside her. Vega and Miranda? That sure would be a sight. But he could see it at least getting a chance. It was the end of the world, after all. Why not shoot your shot? "Well, I wish her luck. She'll need it." Anyone would need a little something extra to put up with Vega. At least Miranda was strong enough to handle him.

For a moment, Kaidan regretted asking her again. He couldn't help himself. So many times he'd made it this far with someone he cared about, only to end up rejected and alone for one reason or another. And Ash... he hadn't even dared to hope. She was his best friend. Held his heart in her hands more than anyone else he'd felt this strongly for. If he'd opened up to her about it, he risked losing more than a chance. He risked more than rejection. He had to be sure. He had to hear it.

Still. He saw how nervous his asking made Ashley. Before he could stop her, reassure her, she was talking again. "Yeah, I remember. I... I missed it." It was one of the biggest regrets of Kaidan's life, and it hadn't been his choice. He'd been in with Anderson and Hackett, being tasked with teaching the new biotics division. By the time he'd tried to call back, nothing was getting through. It gutted him to think that was it, and he'd never get the chance to speak to Ash again. To tell her everything. That he was sorry, that he'd been scared. That all he wanted was for her to come back through the Relay so they could talk about it all. The fear he'd felt in those hours was eclipsed only by his relief when he heard she'd made it back. There was no readon he could give her that wouldn't be enough. No excuse. She'd needed him and he wasn't there.

As Ashley swiped at her cheek, Kaidan reached up to do his part. Cupping his hand around her jaw and using his thumb to brush away tears she'd missed. "That's... all I wanted, too," he admitted. His smile was small and tight, trying to hold it all back. "To tell you I was sorry, and that I didn't hate you. That I couldn't. That I just wanted my crazy, reckless, strong, beautiful best friend to come back so I could tear her a new one. And tell you how stupid I was for not realizing I needed to say it all sooner because you needed to hear it." She still needed to hear it, based on her tears, her trembling. Kaidan swallowed, took a deep breath. "I was the spineless one, Ash. Protecting myself from anything that could hurt me by not even letting myself imagine this. Acting like I couldn't trust you with my heart like this. Lashing out. Not being there for you. When all I wanted to do was tell you how you meant to me."

Shifting on the bed to face her, Kaidan took her beer from her hand and sat it on the floor beside his. "You're so passionate. Strong. Brave. You care so deeply for those you love and try so hard to protect them. You could kick my ass across the galaxy and still have the energy to fight ten more of me. You annoy the hell out of me, too. With your teasing and your stubbornness. But I wouldn't want you to change any of it." When he straightened, he smiled at her, took her face in his hands again. He held her gaze, needing her to see whatever was going on in his eyes. That he was sure. That he wanted this. "Because... I love you, Ash. I've known for a long time, and I was too scared to let myself feel it. But I'm tired of being scared. I don't want to waste any more time over fear." Kaidan leaned in as he pulled her towards him, kissing her again. Pouring every ounce of certainty and care and love that he could into it. She needed reassurance. He was more than happy to provide it.

The wait was agonizing, but eventually... Kaidan made it, drinks in hand. Her face lit up with excitement, little happy flutters as she pondered, picking one of the raspberry beers with a smile and thanking him as he handed it to her. A roll of her eyes was her first response to mentioning Vega as she tipped the bottle back, taking a sip. "Vega can be on to us all he wants. Maybe his muscled perfection will be enough to catch..." She paused, contemplating. "Miranda's eye. Miranda is actually perfect, though, so hopefully she wouldn't hurt his feelings too much by existing in his little macho bubble." To anyone else, that might have sounded like a dig on Miranda, but it was fact; Miranda often stated it herself. Maybe that would be good for both of them.

But his question--repeated from earlier--caused a flicker of worry in Ash. Was she being too forward? Did she risk sending him running for the hills, making him uncomfortable and uncertain? Those thoughts peppered her mind, but one broke through. It's Kaidan, she reminded herself. Kaidan, who often thought long and thoroughly about things. Kaidan, who alongside his friendly, chatty demeanour, was also careful and meticulous about everything he said and did. Kaidan, who liked to open a conversation with how much he'd been thinking about something. It was enough of a reminder to calm her down, for her to listen and watch how he reacted.

She chewed her lip, contemplating. Giving him a straight answer wasn't an option; Kaidan was the type of person who liked facts to convince him. He liked to fit the puzzle pieces together, something Ashley could understand. She idly patted the spot on the bed beside her, just so he could sit down and listen to her for a moment. "You remember when I tried calling you, from Liara's office on Illium before we left for the Omega-4 Relay?" Whether he remembered the call or not... well, she was certain he'd remember the email she'd sent.

"I called because..." Already, she could feel the damn lump in her throat growing. The memory of that day was still vivid; the way she'd waited, praying he'd answer. "Because I just wanted to hear your voice one last time, you know? I didn't care if you were mad at me, or hell, even if you hated me; I just... if we weren't going to make it back, then--" She couldn't keep her voice from wavering, cracking as she laughed softly at herself and wiped at some of the tears in her eyes. Damn alcohol. She always got so sensitive when she'd been drinking; it made it harder to maintain her usual poker face. "Then at least I'd have had... something, you know? And--maybe I'd get a chance to tell you how much you meant to me. Saying it in an email... it just isn't the same, you know? It's not the same as telling someone that they're the greatest thing that's ever happened to you." She could feel her nerves creeping back up, and she took a sip of her drink in an attempt to calm them.

"I made up my mind a long time ago about how I feel about you, Kaidan. I'm just... a bit of a spineless fool about things when real feelings are involved." Flirting was easy enough; she'd fallen into a rhythm with Vega without even thinking about it. But Kaidan? That was a whole different ball game. Kaidan could flirt, and he could be suave, and he could be confident; other times he was warm, gentle, and tender hearted. She could go on for ages about all the things she admired about him. Feeling that fear rising in her again, Ashley tipped back the bottle, wishing her hands weren't trembling so damn much; it may have only been a little, but she was sure it was enough that he would notice. She'd stiffened, doing her damnedest to keep breathing evenly so she wouldn't give it away. At least she was good at that.

#verse ;; tbd #thread ;; virmireisms #;; team milky way #;; it's just okay i am half asleep

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Kaidan smiled despite the situation. Catty was one way to put it. Their first meeting was charged. On her end, it was only because she was with Cerberus. Caught in the crossfire as Kaidan unleashed his hurt and anger at Shepard for... well. It didn't matter now. It did, but not the way it did then. "Hard to blame you now knowing I deserved it. I didn't exactly make a great impression." He'd had a bad taste in his mouth since their first trip to Horizon. One that no amount of forgiveness or friendliness could clear away. And not all of it to do with Shepard either. He had a lot of blame to carry on his shoulders after the Collector attack.

But he could dwell on that later. When Shepard's friend wasn't bleeding out in front of him. Somehow, he still managed to feel his cheeks warm at her jab. "Right." More pressing matters at hand than how much of Miranda's skin he saw. As gently as he could, Kaidan worked her suit open, carefully peeling it away from her wound. He felt her shiver as much as he saw it, and her reaction was clear as day. "I'm sorry." It was a reflex. Sorry I'm the one hurting you now, sorry I'm undressing you, sorry it's so cold. None of it he could really fix at present.

Her pale skin was a mess of blood, held in by the material of her suit. It couldn't have been comfortable. But neither could being sliced open by some ninja freak. Leaning closer to get a better look, he could see it was deep. Seemingly not deep enough to hit any organs, but enough to do some damage. Especially if—"Hang on, did you say polonium?" The medical interface on his omni-tool threw up an alert about her heart rate, her blood pressure. It was bad. But if polonium was in the mix... something told him average human meant more than just how she looked. "You might need to fill me on just how exceptional you are, ma'am." To make sure he gave her the right care, of course.

Kaidan released her suit and typed a quick command into his omni-tool: a tox screen. Better to be sure than to ignore the warning at her peril. If polonium was involved... It gave him time to get more info. All he knew now was that he couldn't treat her there. He needed help. He needed a medbay. He needed Chakwas. "I have to get you to the Normandy," he clipped, reaching up with a bloodied glove to tip her chin up. Trying to meet her gaze. "Can you walk at all? I can carry you, but I've heard you've got a mean independent streak."

That, and her sister was there. Close by. Likely to be startled by her blood-soaked sister being carried off to a strange ship by a strange man. Kaidan's gaze darted in Shepard and Oriana's direction, then back to her. That's why he'd touched her face, tried to get her attention. One thing he knew about Miranda was how much she loved her sister. If she didn't want to scare her, if she didn't want her to know how bad it was, he'd do what he could. The poor girl had been through enough today. Both Lawson girls had.

The more the adrenaline from combat wore off, the more Miranda was beginning to feel the extent of her injuries. Great; the fact that she was right out of medi-gel and barely handling the pain without it only meant her outlook was worse. Good thing she healed faster than the average human; a wound like this would be a lot more dangerous for a normal person, let alone Miranda and her perfect genetic makeup. She wondered how much Kaidan knew about that; had Shepard talked about it?

She barked a pained laugh at his recollection of her... friendly description of him. "If that's the case, you're being awfully nice for how catty I was last time we crossed paths on Horizon." Of course, she knew their earlier friendliness on the Citadel was a factor; she'd checked on him in the hospital on behalf of Shepard, though she'd kept her visit brief. She'd also wanted to ensure the docs were doing their part looking after him... also on Shepard's behalf.

On a normal day, Miranda would've registered his question a lot quicker than it took her. She couldn't quite process exactly what he was asking; while the bleed wasn't severe, the fact that she'd already gone into the fight exhausted hadn't helped, nor did the extensive use of her biotics. Once it clicked, all she could do was roll her eyes. "Be less polite, Major Alenko. My dignity is worth a lot less than my life, I think." Now that she thought about it... She wouldn't have put it past Leng to have added a nasty surprise to things, just for her.

A shiver ran through her as she felt the cool air on her bare skin as he slowly exposed the wound; the cold air on her open wound was enough to elicit a soft grunt of pain and visible wincing. It didn't help that most of the blood had pooled inside her suit, either. "That bastard probably laced everything with polonium," she croaked, feeling her breathing elevate slightly as she felt a little light-headed. "Probably at least enough to kill the average human, anyway."

#;; finally i am here #thread ;; solheimisms #ship ;; tbd #;; perfect and flawed #verse ;; tbd

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;; sorry i haven't been around. i've been closing a lot more and then coming home and doing stuff with friends so i haven't been writing much. i'll try and use some of my day off to catch back up and talk to people

[encontrole]

Kaidan choked when she wriggled against him. He wasn't in dangerous waters yet, but if she kept that up it wouldn't be long. There were some perks to years of focused control over one's body. "Neither if you keep that up," he hissed. Despite the threat, Kaidan was still smiling. Because he didn't really mean it. He was as excited as she was. Glancing over his shoulder, he mapped out the path in his head. Seemed simple enough. "Sounds good to me. The less people to stop me, the better."

In this war, everything was so uncertain. This could be their last chance to really talk about it, to truly enjoy each others' company without the threat of the Reaper hanging over them and everything they did. If he and Ashley did want to finally come clean about how they've felt about each other... this really was the time. "Yeah, yeah, more to drink. Got it." He turned back, hoping to catch another kiss before they parted, but she was already backing down the hall. So. She was even more impatient than he was. Waving back, Kaidan just snorted. "I'll try not to keep you waiting that long."

As Ashley had suggested, getting down to the kitchen had been fairly simple. Despite all the people in Shepard's apartment, the kitchen was deserted, EDI's big bowl of curry sat stewing on the stove. Voices drifted in from the other rooms, but not any closer than before. Opening the fridge, he hummed to himself as he perused the bottles to find the ones Ashley had requested. He snagged two of each—he wasn't about to go thirsty himself—and nearly jumped out of his skin when he straightened and closed the fridge to find James leaning against the counter beside it. An easy smirk on his smug face.

"You're looking a little... rumpled, Major. Very unlike you." Kaidan snorted, shook his head. He'd have crossed his arms to look more authoritative if his hands weren't full of Ashley's drinks. "It's a party, Vega. I'm allowed to relax." The lieutenant's smirk only widened. "Does your idea of relaxing involve a little rendezvous with a certain marine by the name of Williams, sir?" Kaidan squinted at him, holding his gaze. Had he seen them? Was he bluffing? Kaidan was about the only one aside from Shepard who could hold a candle to Vega's poker face. But this time he was stumped. Moments stretched by, but Vega's smile didn't waver. The kid had guts, he'd give him that. It would have gone on longer, but Ashley was waiting, and Kaidan had better things to do. Shaking his head, he turned to go back the way he came. "Dismissed, Vega. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

Of course, Vega had to have the last word. "You and the Commander have fun, sir!" Kaidan elected to ignore it. Sure, if Vega had the big mouth Kaidan joked he had, the whole party would know by the end of the night. If he really wanted his alone time with Ash, he'd have to hustle before someone else stopped him. He could worry about who knew what later. The room was easy enough to find. He gave the door a light tapping with one of the bottles before activating it and stepping inside.

Seeing Ash perched on the edge of the bed started an anxious fluttering in Kaidan's stomach. Not necessarily bad nerves. The kind you get when you wait forever for something and it's finally within reach and your brain doesn't know what to do with it. She'd taken off pieces of her armor, made herself nearly as comfortable as he was. He shot her an easy grin, holding out the bottles. "Here you are, ma'am. Pick your poison." Once she did, he cracked one open for her and a honey mead for himself. Raspberry wasn't something he really looked for in a beer. He handed it to her, sitting down beside her. "Just so you know, Vega might actually be onto us. I ran into him in the kitchen and he guessed where I was going."

Kaidan took a long pull from the mead before looking at Ash. His fingers tapped against the sides of the bottle. "So. This. Us. You've... really wanted it?" She had made out with him just moments ago, but it was still something he was wrapping his head around. It didn't hurt to hear it again.

Well... to keep herself from flirting was only part of it. It was a mix of that... and a mix of keeping herself from staring. Vega invited the stares; nobody would question if she was looking at him, because she certainly wasn't the only one that was. But as she always said: looking was free. She could look all she wanted; it didn't mean that was what she wanted (not that she'd have said no to anything casual... depending on other factors).

Plus, Kaidan with that level of confidence was... hot. She didn't know how else to describe it; it immediately drew her attention, and damn if it didn't look good on him. And the fact that he'd figured it out was something Ashley was certain she was going to regret. Then again... maybe she liked when he was a little possessive. Within reason, of course; if there was nothing there, there was nothing there, but him staking a claim when there was a claim to be staked might be... interesting.

But she was honest. If thing were too quick for him, moving too fast, then she was fine with that. They did at least need to talk in private. With everyone else distracted, now was the time for them to sneak away and just have the privacy they needed. She didn't mind... but she also wasn't going to hide the fact that she wanted more. Besides, they'd been best friends for years now; they'd been each other's closest confidants in some of the hardest of times in their lives. They'd both come far too close to death far too many times to count.

His kiss made her knees weak. If she hadn't been pressed against the wall, able to use it--and him--for support, then they very well might have wobbled. It wasn't as fierce or needy as before, but gentler, slower, yet just as intimate--if not more so. His touch made her feel giddy, shaking her head at his laugh. Of course he didn't want her to get too deep into a shooting contest; he knew how... competitive she could get. But he was right; they had wasted too much time already.

Ashley couldn't resist a quip as he moved out of her space (much to her chagrin). "Tell me, or show me?" She teased, shimmying her hips a little. "Okay. I think we can both agree that discretion is a solid plan. Let's see..." They were nearest to the bedroom with the hot tub, and that sounded like an intriguing idea in general. Close proximity was always good; no one had come looking for them yet. "Sounds like some of them are in the games room, and I can hear Cortez and a few others down at the bar near the fireplace, so... if you sneak around back and down the stairs by the entrance, you should be able to hit the kitchen without being seen by anyone. Less people, less questions, less distractions."

Yes, Ashley, this is what you got a college education for. "I think there's a couple bottles of asari honey mead in there, if you wanted to grab me one--ooh, and one of those raspberry beers Liara was talking about. And I," she teased, slowly backing toward the bedroom, "will be patiently waiting." Wiggling one gloved hand at him, she left him with a smile, ducking toward the bedroom to give herself a moment to settle before he came back.

It was a moment she damn well needed. She kept up appearances well, but she was still reeling from the last--god-knows how long they'd been over there. "Holy hell," she whispered under her breath, shaking her head at herself. It didn't quite feel real yet. It'll sink in eventually, she reminded herself, looking around the room with curiosity as the door closed behind her. A bed, as expected, but... there was also a hot tub. Now that made things interesting. Still... it made her wonder. Why had it taken them so damn long to get here? She'd wanted to say something after Horizon, but for some reason it didn't feel right to. She'd almost said something before the Omega-4 Relay, but hadn't found the courage. Why had they waited so long?

Humming softly to herself, Ashley busied herself with untangling some of the outfit she wore, removing the metal shoulder guards, the metal knee guards, and unzipping her gloves, sitting on the end of the bed as she did. It felt better to finally have her hands freed from them, though she figured she could leave the rest to Kaidan; it wasn't that complicated, and she might as well let him have a little fun... if he wanted to.

[encontrole]

Respect was something Kaidan fought tooth and nail for. He'd told himself when he enlisted that it didn't matter. He was just a soldier. A biotic. And to the Alliance, biotics were just weapons to be used against their enemies. Deterrents to their human ones. He'd known that he would be putting his head down and working. But in actually...

Kaidan had had to work twice as hard for half the recognition. He saw himself get passed over for commendations and promotions time and time again. Heard soldiers subordinate to him talk about him close enough to hear. Unafraid of the consequence. How long you think until the L2 cracks? His promotion to lieutenant and his posting to the Normandy had been a dream. Anderson requesting him showed that someone saw the work he'd put in. Trusted him with leading the marine detachment. It was then that he'd finally opened up. Finally felt respected.

There were still officers who turned their nose at him despite his service. Despite everything he was now. Because he'd always be an unstable L2 biotic to them. Kaidan sighed, ruffled the back of his hair. "Yeah. It's never completely easy. I just always thought it was fun to kill them with kindness. Rather than how they expect." There was a little bitterness to the last bit. It wasn't always easy to shake the sting of fear and rejection.

Alisa's question gave him pause. The records on BAaT were sealed. He knew that. But he was a Major, and a Spectre. He had access to files he didn't before, even if he hadn't been ready to crack that seal himself. And he had the right of mind to put pieces together. Even if he didn't recognize her, he'd managed to figure it out. Alisa had been at BAaT with him. He was sure of it. Not at the end, not when it all fell apart. But she'd been there. She'd been taken away, like many of the kids there. Like some of his friends.

"It's not weird," Kaidan started, watching her closely. He hadn't come up with the best way to broach the subject. No one liked being looked in to, especially an exemplary officer. Nosy Spectres were unwanted for a reason. But she brought it up. He couldn't avoid it forever. He cast glances down the halls around them, just to be sure no one was listening in. "I did some digging, and I have to ask... You were there, at BAaT, weren't you?"

Maybe she didn't remember what happened there... but there was a chance she at least knew she'd been there.

@encontrole asked:

❝  i’m not kind because i expect anything from it.  i do it because i like how it feels.  because people have not generally been kind to me and i don’t want to be that sort of person to someone else.   ❞

Fitting in when you were in a new place was one thing. But fitting into a new place when you’d grown so used to the comfort of where you’d been for years, in a place where almost everyone seemed to know everyone? That was even harder. Throw in a dash of social awkwardness and some old tension… and it was a mix that drove the small biotic to find the quietest corner possible: the engineering subdeck.

Even then, someone managed to find her. Despite her being awkwardly curled in a corner, she’d been found. Why Major Alenko felt the need to find her, Alisa hadn't the faintest clue, but there he was. Maybe he's just being friendly, she mused. Or maybe he feels as out of place as you do, given what happened on Mars.

"It's hard, though, some days... when people are supposed to respect you." She could recall it: the way people would stare her down like she was the devil, or how in certain major centers on Earth, you'd hear even worse things: that you were a heretic, an abomination, a crime--and those were the tame things they said. She'd hated being on Earth back then, being called a freak of nature over something she couldn't control, something she hadn't had a choice in.

Something she loved. Something that was an integral part of her, a source of comfort for her. Something that was part of her identity.

But the more she thought about how he spoke, the more she knew something was... off. Not off with him, but with her. It wasn't like his name was unknown to her; the fact that he'd helped save the Citadel from Saren and the geth made Alenko a well-known man around the galaxy. It was something else. Bits and pieces of her memory were there, but... why those memories?

"...Okay, this--this is going to sound like... a really weird question, maybe. But--before now, before what happened in Vancouver at Alliance HQ... Have we met before? And--I don't mean just in passing. I just keep getting this nagging feeling like I should know you, and... god, it's making my head hurt." Almost literally. It'd bothered her for days, and she'd hoped something would come of it, yet nothing had.

#verse ;; tbd #thread ;; furyisms #;; messed up kids

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Kaidan's breath hitched when their eyes met. The entire time he'd been back on the Normandy, Kat's gaze had seemed... not disinterested, or bored. Just... disconnected. It was a look Kaidan had seen before. In people thinking only of the mission. In people pushed too far. He wasn't ignorant to how hard the Alliance pushed Kat. He was there on the first Normandy. They'd done it then, too. He could only imagine what the pressure felt like now. In addition the the friends she'd lost.

Watching her gaze drop, hearing her uncertainty, Kaidan's chest tightened. "Kat..." It was bad. Very bad. Everyone was putting the weight of the war on her shoulders. She was Commander Shepard, a hero. The only one who could do this. Her responsibility. Almost like she didn't have a team behind her to help her shoulder it. And she would take all that weight anyway. She needed help, needed something.

If only she'd tell him. Rather than shift focus back to him. His shoulders dropped with his own gaze. Of course she wouldn't talk to him. Kaidan had no one but himself to blame. "Well... if you change your mind, want an ear. I'm... I'm here." He didn't expect her to take him up on it. Maybe she could talk to Garrus, or Liara. Someone who didn't abandon her. Question her. Insult her. He was just a useful tool in the fight against the reapers. Not a friend again. Not yet.

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. "I'm... settling." How did you tell your CO that some of your friends and colleagues treat you like you were an unwelcome plus-one at a party? Especially when it was his own doing. He settled back in his seat, crossing his arms. "I'm on the network, got Chakwas my updated baselines, checked in with Traynor, Cortez, and Vega. Caught up with Liara. But I'm not sure..." He sighed, the corner of his mouth lifting in a self deprecating smile. "Not sure how welcome I really am. Not that I blame them."

Maybe this was a good opening. A good time to tell her what use he could be to her, other than another gun on the ground. A way to work closer with her and show her he had her back. "Listen, I noticed you don't have an XO," he broached, tapping the fingers of his hand he'd left on the table against the surface. "You've got to be dealing with a lot on your own here. Between what you're being given, and... knowing you, what you're taking on."

Kaidan smiled at his last point, taken back for a moment do their days on the SSV Normandy. Running through the galaxy, helping people. It hit him than that maybe she wouldn't see the comment that same way anymore. Since Horizon. His smile faded and he cleared his throat. "Anyway... I was wondering, not to presume or anything, but... y'know, I'm an officer in the Alliance and a Spectre, too. I know the ins and outs, what reports you have to file, all the protocols. Could I... would you..." Would you let me help you? Please? He rubbed at the back of his head. "If you'd like an XO at this point, if it would help, I could step into that role for you. If you want."

He sounded like a pre-teen trying to ask a girl on a date, or a child asking a parent for something expensive. Nervous. But at least he'd done it. Kaidan wanted to help her. If she wanted to reject his help, he'd understand. He hoped she'd let him in. Let him help.

Kat had struggled to understand precisely where they stood. The last few months, it'd felt like a game of tug-of-war; Kaidan had oscillated between hot and cold regarding their interactions. He'd never visited her on Earth, and their first interaction had been cordial but tense. He'd followed her orders on Mars without issue, done his job as needed, yet still dug at her, questioned her, interrogated her like she was the enemy. The hospital had been no different; he'd seemed to warm up, yet that reticence had been there.

And then the coup... the coup just made it worse. He'd questioned her again. He'd questioned the nature of Udina's death, and although he wanted to be on the Normandy... Kat couldn't tell if he wanted it as a formality--because he knew it was where he'd be good, where he'd be needed the most--or because he wanted to rekindle their friendship. Even now, as he talked, she heard it. Commander. The professionalism told her enough; he wanted to talk to her as a soldier under her command, not--

The sound of her name--her first name, an informality only afforded to those close to her--drew her attention. She looked at his hand, so close to hers, yet so far at the same time, her gaze drawing up to briefly meet his. Where her eyes had seemed a dull grey before, there was a flicker of silvery recognition in them as she looked at him before tearing her gaze away to stare at the table.

"...I don't know," she said quietly, her tone void of all confidence she usually had. What even was considered okay for her? Hell--she wasn't sure if she was even considered okay when it came to... whatever else was going on. She hadn't been okay for... a long time. Certainly not since she woke up. Even if she wanted to concede and admit she wasn't okay, it wouldn't matter; they had bigger things to worry about right now, and how she was feeling certainly wasn't at the top of the list. If anything, it was somewhere near the bottom.

The truth was, while everyone else got to deal with their feelings, tell her how hard it'd been without her, how those two years had been agonizing to them... She'd had to sit there and listen. She'd had to be the one to shoulder the guilt for what happened to them. She knew it wasn't because her friends didn't care; how could she complain? She hadn't had to go through those two years. She hadn't had to mourn anyone. She'd got a long ass nap and a second chance at life, something nobody else could hope to have.

There was only one way to avoid having to talk about all that. This wasn't the place for that conversation; no one needed to witness the great Commander Shepard having a nervous breakdown in public on the Presidium.

"Anyway... it doesn't matter. What about you?" Easy: change the subject. Deflect the question. It was something she'd grown excellent at over the last few years. "I... have you, um... been settling back in okay?" She hadn't had a chance to check on him yet since he'd come back to the Normandy. She'd been too busy; she was attending meeting after meeting, reading report after report, coordinating their next move, dealing with politicians, putting out fires where she could... everything possible to give them even the slightest advantage in the war.

#verse ;; tbd #thread ;; akuzeisms #;; best and brightest

[encontrole]

Ashley was cute when she blushed. He knew that already. It's not like he'd never seen her blush before. But he was causing it, she was looking at him through her eyelashes, smiling at him. With that context, seeing her blush wasn't just an everyday kind of thing, something to win with sarcasm and wit. It was special. It was everything. When she leaned into his touch, looked at him with an openness he knew all too well, his heart stuttered.

Blinking through her explanation for Vega, Kaidan started to realize he'd been jealous for nothing. "You were... flirting with Vega to... keep yourself from flirting with me?" Well. That was an ego boost. Ashley only flirting with a younger, more confident beefcake to distract herself from him. The ideal option, to her. But the more important information... was Ashley admitting that his jealousy had eaten away at her attempts to not flirt with him. So. He was hot when he was bothered, was he? "Duly noted," he purred, smiling at her.

All thought of teasing her went out the window though when she started talking about him. He'd heard such things said about him of course. Anderson, Hackett, Shepard, countless other people he's served with or under. But when Ashley said it... and with so much emotion in her eyes that it nearly overwhelmed him... The breath Kaidan let out was shaky. She really felt all that about him. For how long? As long as he had? Longer? His thumb brushed against her pink skin again. "Ash—"

She played with his collar, her glove cool against his skin as it brushed against it. The fact that she already knew this wasn't something he did, that she'd even want to just talk to him. They really did get each other, didn't they? He couldn't help it. Kaidan leaned in and kissed her again. Slow, this time, gentle and lingering. The kind of kiss you give when someone tells you what you mean to them and you don't have the words yet to do the same. But they had all night. And plenty of quiet rooms.

When he pulled away again, Kaidan stayed close, pressing his forehead to hers, staying in her orbit, shifting his hand to trace her jaw. He laughed at her offer. Of course she would. "No. Or, you don't have to. We've wasted enough time on... this. Us. Haven't we?" He opened his eyes to meet hers, a warm smile in place. "Besides. I have to tell you all the things I think about you. I think that's much better than having a shooting contest we both know you or Garrus will win."

At least... he hoped so. Ash was very competitive. Giving her one last kiss—a quick peck—Kaidan pulled away, his hand moving again to brush her hair away from her face. "So. How about we grab some drinks and go find you that room, hm? I do want to keep doing this, but..." He glanced over his shoulder at Vega before grinning back at her. "I don't want the audience."

Even though, knowing his luck, Kasumi was probably sat nearby filming them.

She didn't miss how displeased he sounded, nor did she miss the way he reacted to her attention. It was cute hearing him fumble; she got the impression he wasn't used to this kind of thing, but it wasn't like he seemed against it. Your fault for pushing me against the wall like that, she thought silently, pocketing that for later. She kept her attention trained on his reactions, pressing soft kisses along his jaw, his neck, never too far but not letting him forget she was right there, waiting for his answer.

His agreement elicited a little bubble of joy in her chest, her smile growing as she let him dictate whatever would happen next. She knew him well enough to know that he liked to be in control; she wasn't about to take that away from him. She let him pull back, her expression going from flirty and mischievous to soft and flushed, almost shy as he touched her cheek. She loved it, and she hated it. It didn't change how she felt, but damn if it didn't make her soften quicker than she'd expected.

Leave it to Kaidan to be the responsible one. She knew he was looking for something as much as she was as their gazes met, and it was... hard to form words when he looked at her like that. That... softness, that gentleness she'd always been envious of. For someone who dealt with as much as he did, day in and day out... he was so kind and gentle despite it. Damn it, Kaidan--why do you have to be so... you? She should have expected this, really. Flushing redder, she barked a soft laugh and barely tore her gaze away, leaning a little into his hand before meeting his gaze again with warmth and honesty.

"The whole... Vega thing?" She jerked her head in his direction, keeping her voice low though the smile on her face was infinitely soft. "Just a distraction. An effective one--well, kind of. Effective until you started getting all hot under the collar about him, and then it... wasn't so effective. Then you and I celebrated our victory, and you just went back to being all... you, and..." She let out a small laugh, shaking her head as she nodded, contemplating her words.

"The thing is, Kaidan, you're... god, I don't even know how to put it into words. You're just... you're amazing. You're talented and smart, and... despite the crap the world puts you through, you're kind and gentle, and you have the biggest damn heart I've ever seen in a person. You could be bitter, angry, resentful, and I don't think anybody would blame you for feeling like that, but... you're not. And you... you get me. You--you understand me... in a way other people can't." God, she wished she didn't sound so sappy right now, wished her eyes weren't glassy with emotion while she tried to talk. "It's not just empty sympathy, you... you know what it's like, to be... treated differently for something you can't change, that you have no control over." She heard her voice choke, and she laughed softly at herself, shaking her head. Of course she'd tear up the moment he hit that soft spot in her.

"God damn it, there I go again," she said, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. "What I'm saying is yes. And that it's absolutely not the alcohol talking. Did it help? Yeah. I don't... you know how well I do being vulnerable with people." Not well, of course; he was one of the few people who'd ever seen it. She got jumpy and fidgety, paced endlessly, and talked in circles until someone either shut her up, or she ended up with her foot in her mouth. One hand reached up, idly toying with his collar; she couldn't fidget with her own hands, so fidgeting with something else was at least enough to calm her. "If that's not your speed, then that's fine. I think, either way, a private room is a necessity, whether we do anything or we just... talk."

She looked off to the side, gaze distant as she was clearly listening for something. "Sounds like they're shooting bottles off the bar for fun. Can't mistake the sound of a suppressed Predator firing practice rounds. Do I need to show 'em how it's done so you know I'm not that sauced?" As always, her instinct was to deflect attention from her vulnerability with humour. But, if he really needed a demonstration of her sobriety, she'd happily oblige.

#;; kaidan like 'i don't care what we do as long as i can kiss you' #verse ;; tbd #thread ;; virmireisms #ship ;; tbd #;; team milky way

[encontrole]

Kaidan had to admit it was a bit... well. Embarrassing, for the Citadel engineer to be pointing out that this could be in an email. It wasn't exactly showing his standing as the Second Human Spectre or as XO of the most famous human ship in the galaxy. He'd long stopped questioning whether he deserved to be there, that didn't matter. But moments like this did give him pause. Thankfully, there were more important things to worry about. "Right. The repairs. Sorry."

Shepard was off seeing the Council, leaving him to oversee minor work being done on the Normandy. "Go on then, Ms. Nagata. Hit me with it." Kaidan knew his engineering. He'd spent most of his time on the SR-1 helping Adams and Tali, when he wasn't on ground missions or messing with random terminals. Not only would the engineer have a captive audience, but she'd have one that knew what she was talking about. "I really appreciate you giving her a look-over, by the way. With everything going on in Sol, it's hard to get back to our own shipyards for repairs." He tried not to think about the Reapers destroying his home, every station he'd ever served on, people he knew and loved.

@encontrole​,  kaidan alenko  (cont)

“I… hm.” Kaidan really hadn’t thought that far ahead. He lowered his omni-tool. On the one hand, it wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have over text. On the other… it wasn’t that important. And if there was a mysterious third hand, driving anyone away was the last thing he wanted to do. He’d done enough of that to last anyone a lifetime.

Sighing, Kaidan ran a hand through his hair, dispelling some of the static that had accumulated in it. “Yeah. No. You’re right.” He’d been so caught up in keeping up that his social graces went out the airlock first. Ending up in a leadership role he never thought he’d get the chance to have was great, until he forgot how not to be the leader, the teacher. Until he forgot how to just be Kaidan. Some might argue he forgot how to be a Kaidan people wanted to be around.

“I’ll just, uh… I’ll just text them,” he sighed, shooting Naomi a small smile. “There’s no reason to rush them. Thanks.”

TRUTHFULLY,  SHE  FELT  A  LITTLE  BAD  to  see  him  fumble.   she  hadn't  meant  to  be  so  blunt  but  well,   it  was  almost  a  habit  to  be  so  tense  when  it  came  to  military  types.   even  more  so  with  leadership  positions.   and  sure,  not  everyone  had  her  own  tendencies  of  self  isolation  or  that  it  was  sure  that  it  would  have  that  bad  of  a  consequence.    but  really,  she  still  thought  it'd  be  better  to  reply  with  a  text.    “   if  you’d  rather  talk  to  them  on  the  phone,   at  least  shoot  them  a  message  saying  so.    ”    naomi  added  even  as  he  settled  on  the  reply  in  the  form  of  a  text.

hearing  she  was  right  was  not  uncommon,   even  if  it  was  usually  in  reference  to  her  engineering  skills,   and  she  couldn’t  deny  it  was  pleasant.     nor  she  could  hold  back  the  smidge  of  relief  at  the  smile  and  thanks.    not  everyone  took  criticism  well.    not  that,  that  ever  stopped  her  from  speaking  her  mind.   but  a  positive  reaction  was  far  easier  to  handle.   “   but  if  you’re  also  not  in  a  rush,   i  need  to  speak  to  you  about  the  repairs  we  were  talking  about.   ”

#;; just adopting naomi into ME #;; i know we talked about like WHAT IF NAOMI WERE A QUARIAN but we'll leave her as is #;; just because it's not a canon you're familiar with #verse ;; tbd #thread ;; beltraised

[encontrole]

;; i've been closing a lot then coming home and watching baseball or things with friends so I haven't been around around but tomorrow I am off so hopefully I can get things done

#;; out of coffee #;; work is hell and the phillies are good so i'm basically stressed to death

[encontrole]

Now, Kaidan wasn't a heavy make out session in the corner of his best friend's apartment kind of guy. Maybe he had been, when he was young. Before the reality of being among humanity's first successful attempts at biotic training led to adjusted expectations. Before he learned that maybe it wasn't in the cards for a guy like him. Now, he was in his mid-thirties, and the idea of unrestricted public passion left him feeling a smidge uncomfortable. But when you wait literal years to kiss the object of your affection, some personal limitations go out the window. Way, way out.

Pressing Ashley up against a wall was the kind of thing he tried not to imagine himself doing until he'd done it. Now, it made perfect sense. Completely logical. He laughed into the kiss as she nearly tripped him pulling him closer. She would. Still, he did as she wanted, the angle of the kiss changing ever so slightly to account for the proximity and his height. Kaidan let his hand slide down to her jaw to tip her head up a little more. No reason to let this end because his neck or back started to hurt. He'd never live that down.

Her hair soft against his fingers, her skin hot against his palm, her lips moving against his, the smooth brush of her own gloved fingers against his skin, her other hand just far enough away from his amp port, the absolutely obnoxious and seemingly pointless metal of her outfit pressing into him in ways that were a bit more tantalizing than uncomfortable. It felt right.

But with her pulling him closer, it was definitely shifting from a heavy make out session in the corner of his best friend's apartment to something else. All he'd have to do was shift, just a little bit, and it would be something he definitely didn't want to be sharing with all of Shepard's friends and some of his subordinates. Vega for instance.

Ash broke the kiss, and Kaidan heard himself make some noise of displeasure. The loss of control over himself—something he'd prized and held onto for so much of his life—was a little terrifying. And a lot hot. Especially as she moved to kiss up his jaw and whisper in his ear. Definitely hot. Kaidan sputtered. "Ashley." He tried to look out of the corner of his eye at their fellow party goers. No one was looking at them. No one he could see. Still, he couldn't help but muse over the same question himself. "I mean, probably... pretty high." Plenty of their friends were close or getting closer themselves. None of them seemed to be in the condition to consider taking it to another room though. His eyes fluttered shut again. Her lips against his skin was distracting. Intoxicating.

A shiver ran through him at her suggestion. "I... I mean... yes." He wasn't a tipsy and adrenaline-fueled make out session right to getting-a-room kind of guy. He was a wine and dine kind of guy. Romance and care. But... hadn't he already done all that with Ash? By being her best friend, her biggest supporter in the Alliance, her partner? Years could change things. War might. There was juts one immediate concern to deal with first. As much as he didn't want to, Kaidan pulled back to get a look at her face. Which was a mistake. Flushed and well-kissed and framed by hair he'd mussed (he couldn't wait to tell her how much it suited her down, he wasn't sure he'd ever told her that) as she gazed at him. He'd never seen her so beautiful.

He brushed a thumb over her cheek as he searched her eyes. "You've had... a bit to drink and you don't have a biotic's metabolism, so... I have to ask. If we do continue. Would you really want to?" A with me? went unsaid. That worry could come later. "It's not the alcohol talking?"

Say something, her eyes silently begged amidst the lingering terror in them. Unlike him, she’d laid it all out on the table… and Ashley Williams did not do well with vulnerability. She could remain hardened and steadfast in the most difficult of situations—Eden Prime, Virmire, Alchera—and under fire, her head was never clearer. But when feelings were involved… she didn’t do well. Words failed her. She hid behind poetry and flippant jokes to shield herself. And the longer he waited to say or do something, the more that fear twisted in her gut. The more her knee-jerk reaction to make a joke out of it to protect herself grew.

Already, she was planning ahead. Apologize. Say you were wrong. Say it was inappropriate. Blame the alcohol. And don’t let him see you cry. He’s seen enough of that for other reasons; he doesn’t need it to be over him this time. Because she would. Who wouldn’t in her situation? Turned down, ruining a friendship built over the years with one stupid, boneheaded, reckless, and impulsive move? She wasn't even thinking about the rest of the implications: the ones that involved their careers. Granted, they didn’t have as much red tape as Spectres, but… for Ashley, it mattered.

There was no way he hadn't picked up on her fear. She opened her mouth to blurt out a string of apologies, even making a strained sound, but his words deflated her quickly. Nice? Good? Now she was just confused. Awkward? Wasn't it already awkward? She was pretty sure it was awkward. Already, her hand had started slowly drawing away from him without her even thinking about it, and she'd nearly taken a step back before he surprised her, pulling her in and pressing her against the wall before she could even catch up.

The relief was like a rollercoaster all over again. She became hyper-aware of everything: the way his one hand clutched at her hip, drawing her in as she felt the faint trail of his fingers through her jacket; the way his fingers tangled in her hair, making her cheer a silent victory for her choice to wear it down more. She did wonder if he'd noticed that; if he did, he'd never said anything about it. But as much as she had a million questions to ask, she did her damnedest to hold them back, for now, choosing to savour the moment. Even if she wanted to laugh to the point of tears at how much of an idiot she was, she squelched it down, boxing it away to deal with later.

Now she had the adrenaline to deal with, and there were only two ways for her to handle that. She'd always joked that she was a bit of a hellcat, but it wasn't something she'd had the opportunity to put to use. She shifted slightly, one foot hooking behind his ankle to pull him closer as she straddled his thigh, humming appreciatively as he continued to kiss her. She silently cursed that she was wearing gloves; even as one hand lightly ran along his collarbone, the other tangling in the curls at the back of his head, she wished she'd taken her damn gloves off for something like this.

Maybe that was what they needed. A little... privacy. Breaking the kiss briefly, Ashley took a moment to catch her breath, searching for the right words. "What do you think the chances are that one of the many bedrooms in this place is unoccupied?" She whispered, her voice low and husky in his ear as she kissed a trail along his jaw. "Because if there's more you want, we'll need some privacy for me to let you find every zipper on this getup." She giggled audibly, clearly pleased with herself at the notion.

#;; he has to ask he's very responsible and also he wants it to be real #;; he just won't say that last bit out loud yet #;; no vulnerability where Vega can hear #thread ;; virmireisms #verse ;; tbd #ship ;; tbd #;; team milky way

[encontrole]

Well. He'd done it. Kaidan had laid some of his cards on the table. Enough to let her figure it out, if she wanted to. If she could. But still few enough that he could protect himself. He hoped. Kaidan never did this sort of thing lightly. He'd been through too much, even aside from the people who only showed interest until his biotics came up. It just... it felt right, he and Ashley. They were so in sync, so close, and so in tune that he couldn't imagine it going wrong, if he could get the courage to tell her. The last few years had only solidified it.

With the war on... he shouldn't be wasting this much time. They'd come too close too often for him be this afraid of just telling her.

Ash was quiet longer than he'd hoped. Every second prolonged his anxiety, his thoughts that he shouldn't have done this. He should have stayed quiet. And then she looked over at Vega. His heart dropped into his stomach. It seemed like he had his answer.

Kaidan swallowed thickly, prepared to end his suffering, tell her not to worry about it and escape to another room to be alone with yet another heartbreak. Until finally, finally... she did it for him. No. No, she wasn't involved with him. Not Vega. His chest loosened, and he could breathe again. But she sounded so small, so cautious herself that he nearly pulled her into a hug to end her suffering. They went from teasing to this. Why was Ash suddenly quieter than he was?

The whole world, the whole galaxy, came to a screeching hold when Ashley touched him. When she kissed him. Kaidan's whole brain short circuited. He barely processed what she said about being sweet on someone else, too focused on the tingle her kiss left behind on his lips. She was sweet on someone. You kiss someone when you're sweet on them. She kissed you. "Ash..."

Ashley... was feeling the same thing he was. She sounded more scared than he did. Ash was so close to him that he could feel her trembling. She was terrified. She had feelings for her best friend, and didn't know how he felt. Kaidan, unsurprisingly, could empathize. He also had feelings for his best friend.

Only now, now he knew how she felt. Now, he knew what he had to do. Maybe it was the adrenaline from his jealous energy, from the push-up contest, from the traces of alcoho somehow still in his system, the jubilation of everyone in the apartment. Whatever it was, it settled something in him. "That's... that's nice. Good. Would have made this super awkward, otherwise."

Pushing off the wall behind him, Kaidan did what he'd wanted to do for years. He spun towards her, placed one hand on her hip and cupped the back of her head with the other. And pressing her into the wall behind her, Kaidan Alenko finally kissed Ashley Williams.

At least he understood that looking was free. And they could look all they wanted; nothing was wrong with admiring something like Vega. Hell, she could swear he liked the attention, liked the objectification. But even if Vega didn't mean anything by the nickname, it didn't mean that it stopped Ashley from turning into a hothead herself. Sure, the Flux incident had been less about defending her friend and more about putting a prejudicial dickhead in his place, but...

Besides, what was the harm in painting the biotic as the nice guy? Why not let Kaidan b the nice one, let him be the pacifist, let him be the voice of reason. Let her be the scary one. She didn't mind it; she could handle it. But... she'd let that go, for now. She'd make no excuse for her fist moving of its own accord in the future, though... if too many lines were crossed.

But she was worried. If something was bothering Kaidan, she wanted to know what it was. She wanted to do something about it. Seeing him upset bothered her. Her worry was understandable; she cared about him a lot. He was more important to her than she'd ever let on. She watched as he seemed to fight with himself, trying to find the right words, and she remained patient; she didn't want to rush him if there was something he wanted to say.

The way he said it, though... that caught her attention. It wasn't just because of her training. She knew Kaidan; she understood him in ways many others probably didn't. She understood the way he'd felt at some points in his life: unwanted, detested... Hated, all for something he had no control over. He was treated like he was an outsider, like he was worth less because of a part of him he couldn't change. He hadn't talked about it in detail, but it was the way he talked that she could tell it weighed on him more than he'd ever let on.

She tore her gaze away from Kaidan for a second, looking back at Vega, who was... honestly, she didn't know what he was doing. Was she interested in Vega? No... she wouldn't say she was interested. Was she against the idea? Not exactly, but... not as anything serious. No, Vega was... a distraction. Something to keep her attention off of what she really wanted, something she was sure she'd never have.

Or could she? Why would Kaidan be asking that in the first place? He wasn't asking nonchalantly; Kaidan had no problem asking her direct questions out of genuine curiosity. He wasn't that shy... not when it came to asking her as a friend. "...No," she finally said, her tone softer and more vulnerable than she'd expected to sound. "Don't you pay attention to--wait, never mind. I forgot. I'm the queen of the scuttlebutt." Grow a spine, Ashley, she chided herself. What did she have to lose? Only the one friendship she cherished deeply, the one person she respected and cared about more than anyone she'd ever met... Only the one person who truly understood her.

There's a reason they call alcohol 'liquid courage', and at that moment, Ashley was glad for it.

Swallowing the fear she could feel creeping up her spine, throwing caution to the wind as she moved, one gloved hand resting on his shoulder as she pressed her lips to his. It was brief, but even as she broke away, she didn't move far. "...scuttlebutt says I'm sweet on someone else," she croaked, voice barely above a whisper, wishing she didn't sound so pathetic. Even standing there, she trembled, just faintly, barely holding back the growing instinct to flee in shame and embarrassment. Words were hard enough for her on a typical day; now, she was sure he could see the fear in her. It wasn't him she was afraid of; it was what he'd say that she feared most, his reaction to her... boldness.

#;; i almost passed out writing this let's GO power of sports i need to SLEEP #thread ;; virmireisms #ship ;; tbd #;; team milky way

[encontrole]

Of course Ash brought up his own... admiration of Vega. She wasn't wrong. He was nice to look at, Kaidan wasn't completely immune. Part of Vega's whole thing was how few people were. Then again, Kaidan wasn't the one getting cozy with him. "Sure. I've looked. I'm not judging." He really wasn't. It's not like Ash was alone and he couldn't judge the whole galaxy for looking. He could feel his irritation simmering, rather than burning.

It was stupid. He was being stupid. And childish. Again, he was older than the both of them, yet he was acting like this. He slipped his hand under his shirt, rubbing at his collarbone absentmindedly. And of course Ashley took more issue with Vega's nickname for him than Kaidan did himself. A warning had been given, up on the balcony. But Kaidan had been putting up with it since he joined the Normandy. The kid gave out nicknames. He'd just wished he'd gotten a better one. "He doesn't mean anything by it," Kaidan conceded. If Ashley was interested in Vega, it wouldn't do to pile on him. "The guy at Flux was an asshole. James just... doesn't get it."

James doesn't get that Kaidan didn't want to be defined by his biotics, by the implant that had killed or crippled those less lucky than he. It was a catchy nickname, sure. But it wasn't something he needed reminding of. Some could say he could spin it to be something to be proud of. He could see it. Still. It would have been nice to have a nickname inline with who he was, not what.

Looking at Ash, he gave her an easy smile. "And I'll say it again: don't hurt anyone on my account. I don't want that on my conscience. I appreciate it, but I can handle myself."

Guilt rolled over him as concern, true concern, overtook Ashley's teasing. She was worried about him, and he was... he was upset she was flirting with someone who wasn't him. Again: stupid. Kaidan mussed his hair, eyes screwing shut. He couldn't... he couldn't tell her. Not here. Not like this. But he could at least know. "Sorry. I'm fine. Really. I just..." He slumped against the wall with a sigh. "This is... I'm, uh..." Kaidan took a deep breath, forced himself to meet her eyes. "Are you two... you know. Are you interested in him?"

It pained him how desperate he sounded to his own ear. Hopefully, Ashl couldn't hear it. He was screwed either way, wasn't he? Might as well meet his end with some idea of how he'd suffer. Either she finally figured him out, or... at least he'd know for sure she wasn't his to be jealous over.

The laugh wasn't enough to convince Ashley. Unfortunately for Kaidan, she was trained to notice the subtle things; the way the flush on his cheeks grew a little more as she talked about Vega, the way he seemed to strain not to look when she loosened the zipper. The way he mirrored her, like the heat of whatever was going through his mind made the room feel hotter than it really was. There was what she and Vega had been doing--idle flirtatious banter--and then there was what Kaidan was doing.

She'd let the thing about age slide... for now. She could tell something had gotten under Kaidan's skin, and the way he was talking made it all the more apparent. The way he gauged whether she seemed interested or not in Vega. He wasn't wrong; they had been flirting all night, but it was idle. It had no substance; maybe Vega was interested, but Ashley's reciprocation had been lukewarm at best. "If by that you mean, do I think he's attractive?" She huffed a laugh. "Yeah. Don't you get all judgy, I saw you sneaking peeks at his ass the other day. Looking's free, for shit's sake." She took a sip of her water, still feeling a little... suspicious.

Her eyes were narrowed at the idea of her needing to impress him, though. "Yeah, because I want to impress a guy who thinks it's funny to call you L2. Have you forgotten the Flux incident? Would've had C-Sec all over my ass if you hadn't dragged me out of there." It'd been... one minor incident. They'd gone for a few drinks and were minding their own business. Some idiot thought it was a great idea that, upon Kaidan's biotics flickering for a half second after one too many drinks, that it was his drunken business that a biotic was within a few feet of them. All she'd caught were the words biotic freak, and the next thing the guy knew, Ashley'd had him by the collar and was right up in his face, asking him plainly: 'You wanna fucking say that again a little louder, you spineless prick?'

Were it not for Kaidan urging her out of there, she'd have broken the guy's jaw or worse. She wouldn't have been arrested--perks of being a Spectre--but she certainly would've made a scene.

With a roll of her eyes as she leaned against the wall, Ashley gave him a look that clearly told him she wasn't buying it. "Kaidan, I'm--buzzed, but I'm not that buzzed." She dropped the sarcasm for a moment, a hint of concern on her features as her voice softened. "Seriously. What's bugging you? I mean, not that it doesn't seem like you're having fun, but... you know I know you well enough to tell when something's irritating you." It wasn't one of his migraines; she could always tell when those were coming on, and if they were, he'd have dipped and isolated himself by now.

#;; we're really in it now kaidan #putting his heart on the line here #thread ;; virmireisms #ship ;; tbd #;; team milky way

[encontrole]

All thoughts of Ashley and Vega were banished when that glass hit his hand. He lifted it in a toast as a thank you and a nod to their shared victory before throwing it back, draining the thing fast as he could. His body needed it, between the exertion and the direction his mind went every time he looked at her. Things that only got worse when he finished his glass in time to see her flexing. Kaidan cleared his throat. "Yeah, well, you're right if a man pushing 40 and a woman half his size can manage to out-match him."

Kaidan tried very hard not to watch her undo her coat. He couldn't imagine how she moved in that thing to begin with. He wasn't sure he was prepared to imagine how she looked out of it. Kaidan chuckled as he tapped his empty glass against hers. "Heh, sure did. And there's little I love more than knocking cocky marines down a peg." Mirroring her, he undid his uniform a little but more, unbuckling the center strap to give himself a bit more room to breathe. If he was trying to play younger than he was, he certainly wasn't doing a great job of it. Needing to loosen up just to cool down. But he could feel his temperature inching up the more he thought about her and that damn jacket.

She glanced back at Vega, giggled. His temperature rose a bit more.

The bark of laughter her question drew out of Kaidan surprised even him. "Jealous? I'm not... I'm not jealous of him." Him, the young, attractive, not biotic marine who had everyone looking his way. Kaidan had worked too hard to be jealous of some peacock of a kid. Shame creeped up just a little, in the back of his mind. But you are, aren't you? No one showed you that kind of interest, even when you were his age. Worried everyone was afraid of you. Even her. Kaidan brushed his knuckles against his jaw, watching Vega show off for Kasumi, who'd allowed herself to be seen as she stole a beer from the fridge. "Maybe I didn't like him talking down to Jacob, Liara, Miranda, and me when he's barely old enough to rent a skycar." He could admit to being hot-headed. He was willing to do that. Even if it drew attention to how much older he was than the both of them. Especially Vega.

His gaze fell on her again, avoiding looking down to where he could just barely get a peek of her skin. Surely as flushed as her face was. Dammit, Kaidan. Stay on track, here! "You sure you're not the slightest bit taken by his... excellence? You two have been flirting all night." Kaidan's tone was light. After all, he wasn't jealous. It was just a fact. Joker had elbowed him about it earlier in the night. Traynor had mused about it over her cocktail. It wasn't just him. He was just... sharing an observation. "You wanted to beat him to impress him, or... something?"

Smooth, Alenko. Real smooth.

Ashley may have sided with the meathead for the competition, but she had to. After all, she wasn't a biotic; she had to at least even the odds in favour of the muscle-brains, a category which she very much fell into. But she'd had ulterior motives the entire time: James Vega talked a little too big, even if he had the size to back it up. While the boys were too busy stroking their egos and getting all up in their heads, Ashley had risen to the challenge, matching pace with a stubborn, determined Kaidan and eventually surpassing even Vega. Even if Kaidan had been trying to beat Vega out of spite, Ashley had something else that outmatched all of them: sheer determination.

Of course, that meant she was busy checking on Vega... which meant giving him the opportunity to flirt with her a little more. Vega was cute, she'd give him that much, but... he had a little too much ego for her. He was fun to drink with, fun to flirt with, fun to chat with, and she'd do just that... but not much more. He seemed to just be the type that enjoyed flirting, and she could respect that; after a few drinks, even she was throwing a little back here and there. But even after those few drinks... Ashley was still as perceptive as ever. She didn't miss the dirty looks that Kaidan was giving across the room out of the corner of her eye, and they certainly weren't directed at her. She could see Kaidan was glaring daggers at Vega, and it... interested her. Intrigued her, in a way.

Maybe there was something about the Major that she'd missed in the last little while, but... even if there was, she wasn't entirely sure she'd make anything of it. Kaidan was her best friend. She was afraid of losing that if she dared speak up; even if Kaidan wasn't so petty as to make it so, the awkwardness of saying anything might be too much for the both of them. Risking that terrified her; she'd struggled to make any friends, and Kaidan... well, to say he was her best friend even felt like an understatement. They were more than just friends, even if they'd had their differences over the last few years. He was her closest confidant, the one person she'd go to if she ever needed anything, no matter what it was. She'd tried to be subtle, tried to suss out if there was anything there, but Kaidan was either oblivious, or she was too out of practice and far too subtle. Dating anyone had been off the table for far too long for her, for obvious reasons; she had her career to worry about. But now... Now she cared a lot less about that. She was a Spectre, and on top of that... she was pretty sure a little fraternization was the last thing on anyone's mind with the end of the galaxy looming ahead of them.

Strolling over to where she could see Kaidan was, she handed him the large glass of water, resisting a laugh as he chugged it back quicker than she'd expected. "Oh, you know I have to rub it in to him," she teased, her smirk widening. "He talked all this big game about how he was the example of peak physical conditioning, but..." Ashley shrugged, swaying proudly on the spot a little, arms out to the side. "I think, speaking as a member of Team Brawn, he's not as much of an example of physical excellence as he thinks he is." As if to make her point, she flexed a little, rolling her shoulders and neck to stretch them out. After that much physical activity, she certainly needed to make sure she wasn't going to be sore tomorrow. Nevertheless, she offered Kaidan another smirk, sipping her own water a bit more before huffing, undoing the clasps and lowering the zipper of her jacket.

"It might have been a team tie, but at least we showed up Mr. Ego over there." She glanced back at a somewhat humbled-looking Vega, letting out a small giggle as she shook her head, turning back to Kaidan. "Now what's got you all jealous and hot-headed tonight?" She could guess one reason; the fact that Vega had called him L2 as a nickname had even got Ashley fired up, and not in support of him. It was part of the reason she'd opted to join and show Vega up herself; that had been over the line, even as a joke.

#;; totally not jealous nope not at all #thread ;; virmireisms #ship ;; tbd #;; team milky way

[encontrole]

a ~spicy~ starter for @virmireisms

Kaidan undid the top button of his uniform, parting the collar to try and get more air to his skin. He already burned a little hotter. Between the people in the apartment, the alcohol in his system—no matter how quickly his metabolism burned through it—and the recently nearly won push up contest, he was downright feverish.

That and... his annoyance with one Lieutenant James Vega was keeping him more than a little hot-headed. Leaning back against the wall, Kaidan watched as the kid said something to Ashley that made her laugh. The three of them were all flushed, having all participated in Vega's series of challenges to prove that biotics didn't hold a candle to the example of physical excellence that stood before them. Kaidan scoffed to himself at the memory and the sight before him, crossing his arms across his chest.

Ashley had of course hemmed and hawed before siding with the muscle head. She was a fellow soldier, so Kaidan wasn't really surprised. But a part of him had hoped she'd at least defended them a little longer before siding with Vega. The same part of him that simmered watching Vega flirt with her. The kid flirted with everyone, even him, sometimes. Seeing him flirt with Ashley brought up thoughts and feelings Kaidan had tried to keep in the little box he put all of the thoughts and feelings he thought he shouldn't have.

Because as much as he tried to deny it, Kaidan had realized he maybe had a kind of crush on Lieutenant Commander Williams.

She's too young for you, his mind and his insecurities had rebelled. She's not going to jeopardize her career for you. She won't choose a broken biotic over someone like him. You're her best friend and that should be enough for you. It didn't stop him from feeling it. Didn't stop him from hoping maybe she felt some of what he did. But it did stop him from acting on it. And now, looking at her all flushed and warm and gorgeous, smiling at Vega, touching his arm and looking at him like apparently all the single people around him did—not that he blamed them, he had eyes and a pulse—struck a chord in him that he didn't like hearing.

No, he wasn't jealous. Not of James fucking Vega. But then Ashley was turning to him and finally bringing him his well-earned water, and Kaidan squashed all of it down to shoot her a smirk as he ran a hand through his damp hair. "Took you long enough. Getting a few last sore-winner shots in before making sure your tie-mate wasn't dying of dehydration?"

#;; it's on it's on #thread ;; virmireisms #;; team milky way #ship ;; tbh #verse ;; tbd

[encontrole]

Sanctuary was Hell. It seemed like Horizon was the gift that kept on giving, no matter how many times you returned it. The things Cerberus did to the humans who had been looking for help... Kaidan could barely stomach it. First, he couldn't save the colonists here he'd been sent to protect. The colonists who had hated him. Now, those who had been left were...

Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose. A migraine was coming on, he could feel it. He glanced over at Shepard and EDI, deep in conversation with Oriana as they worked on cracking the databases. Between her and EDI, they wouldn't need his hacking, so he could take a breather. But the sound of someone groaning ended any thought of rest of his own.

Miranda. He and the Cerberus operative similarly didn't have a good history on Horizon. The first time they'd met, he'd been angry. Hurt. And he said some things he regretted. All in front of her watchful eyes. Their paths had crossed in his time on the Citadel, but nothing passed between them other than greetings and pleasantries. She was on their side, but Kaidan didn't know much else about her. Until he started looking into the Alliance files on her. Which was to say he didn't know much more about her. All he knew was that she was loyal to Shepard. That was enough for him.

Even if it wasn't, he wasn't about to let an injured ally suffer on the floor of this damn place. He was a Sentinel. It's what he did.

Crossing to where she sat, Kaidan dropped to a knee beside her, lifting her arm but stopping when she reacted. "Shepard's fine, Miss Lawson. You need help more than they do." He pulled back to type some commands into his omni-tool, linking to her biofeed to get a better read of her vitals. While he waited, he took her arm again—carefully this time—and lifted it away to get a better look at her. This close, he could see now that she was bleeding. "Shit." If she hadn't used medi-gel already, she had to be out.

At least her sense of humor was intact. Kaidan met her eyes, smiling himself. "That's an improvement. Last I heard I was a... what was it... 'self-righteous prick who needs three extra hands to pull the pole out of his ass'?" His tone was light. He took no offense. Glancing down at his 'tool, he looked over Miranda's vitals, read the diagnostics. He'd have to do something about the bleeding at the very least. It was likely she'd have to come back to the Normandy. If she would. "I need to get a better look at that cut before I treat it. May I, uh..." Kaidan gestured at her suit. He'd have to open it, and he wasn't about to undress Miranda at all without checking in.

@encontrole asked:

[ TEND ]:     sender begins to care for the receiver’s injuries. (;; let's have some fun on Sanctuary and by fun I mean everyone is stressed and Kaidan is here to do his Field Medic Duties)

She was exhausted. It was hard to think that everything was over now; she'd killed her father. She'd killed the man who created her, who took that opportunity to try and ruin her life... the man she had to rescue her sister--her identical, younger twin--from more than anyone should have had to. Oriana... She just had to hope Oriana would be safe now.

But that bastard, Kai Leng... he'd got away, again. He was slippery, and trouble. At least there was a tracer on him now; it was the least they could do. Miranda felt a little bad going off the rails like she had, but the only thing on her mind had been Oriana. She had to save her sister. Oriana meant everything to her.

Feeling her strength wane for a moment, Miranda groaned and sat down against the wall again, doing her damnedest to breathe through the pain. She'd used up what little medi-gel she had on hand trying to survive her encounter with Leng, but he'd managed to get her good; she was just glad her black armour masked just how bad it was, not to mention her already-pale skin was impossible to tell in this light.

"Son of a bitch," she said under her breath, taking a deep, pained breath before she could tell someone was kneeling by her. It wasn't Shepard; surely the Commander would have said something out of worry. They were still analyzing the files from the facility, uploading them to the Normandy's computers so EDI could complete her analysis.

"What are you doing?" Miranda croaked out at Alenko, eyes narrowing. "Doesn't Shepard need your help to--nngh!" Wherever he'd touched hurt like a son of a bitch. If she hadn't known exactly what he was doing, she'd have certainly slapped him away, but she recalled reading on Shepard's dossier, on all of their squad's old files...

Kaidan Alenko was a trained field medic.

"You're lucky I like you, or I might have launched you with my biotics," she teased lightly, trying to at least joke through the pain. She already knew the extent of her own injuries; she'd broken more than a few ribs, and Leng had managed to cut her side pretty badly. Along with more than a few bruises, she wasn't in dangerous shape, but she'd certainly need to get off Horizon sooner rather than later.

#;; he's just too polite #;; yeah you insulted me once but it's ok #;; miss lawson may i undress you here in public where you killed your dad #verse ;; tbd #thread ;; solheimisms #;; major and operative #;; until i have a better tag for them

[encontrole]

Kaidan could feel her annoyance at his clap back. A good natured annoyance, but he'd at least knocked her a little off-kilter. That was enough to widen his smirk as he turned back to his datapad. "Shots fired and landed, Commander. You may know your way around a gun, but it takes a much finer touch to be as good as Garrus and I are. You'll always be a tech grunt. And that's okay. Embrace it." If there was anything Kaidan was truly proud of, it was his tech skills. It would take more time than they had for him to get her even close.

Ash and James could go on about their physical excellence—as if he didn't have some of his own. Kaidan had plenty of skills in other areas.

He snorted, letting go of her poking at his blushing. It was silly. Being as old as he was and as mostly comfortable with himself as he was, still blushing like a kid at the thought of anyone showing any interest in him. Then again, it wasn't as if his youth was normal.

"Teasing endlessly borders on beating up." Kaidan sighed, abandoning his work again. It was clear he wasn't going to get anything done. Not that it was a problem. He was ahead, anyway. "I tried. Newer kids, younger kids, always had a hard time. Someone had to be there for them." The older kids, for the most part, always looked out for the younger ones. He was a far cry from the kid he had been: angrier, cockier, pretty annoying. He'd like to think he'd still been kind. Before... everything. But it didn't do to dwell on old scars. So he smirked at Ash instead when she kicked him under the table. "You're saying an awful lot about my looks today. Did you do something I don't want to know about, or are you trying to say something else?"

Gaze dropping to the table, Kaidan mulled over her question. He hadn't really talked to anyone about what his newfound attention brought him. How it made him feel. No one had asked. Though, there were still days he didn't feel welcome on the SR-2 by his old friends, so maybe he shouldn't be surprised. "It's just..." Kaidan took a deep break, sighed again before looking back at Ash. "You spend so much of your life only being seen as a weapon, a freak, or... well. Worse. So much of your life being desirable only until they find out what you are..."

A shy smile took it's place on his face as he shrugged. "I'm not used to the attention, is all." He was used to fading in the background, to being the quiet one that people noticed but didn't pay any mind to. He'd put his head down and served and worried about his career. The only way forward for a human biotic. The last two years had changed that, but not like being next human Spectre did. "I just wonder how many of them... mean it, you know?"

Ashley's gaze narrowed at Kaidan when he mentioned her preparing food. She did prepare food--sometimes! Most of the time, it was Vega, because he had the time to spare compared to the rest of them. Besides, it wasn't like Kaidan complained about his cooking. In fact, he practically devoured it in comparison to her. He was ravenous as hell, something she'd learned had a lot to do with being a biotic.

At the mention of hate speech, Ashley nodded with a grimace; it was exactly the reason she wouldn't dare touch it. It was the kind of low-level trash-talk someone would engage in if they wanted to piss him off... And also probably the kind of thing Ashley would've lost her cool over more than he would.

"Whoa there, shots fired, Major," Ashley teased back as he called out her hacking skills. "Now you hold on just a minute. I am not that much of a grunt. I happen to have a little expertise--okay, no small thanks to you, but let's not split hairs here." She paused. "But, I mean, compared to you, that's definitely still not much of an accomplishment." Most of the time, she knew the smart call was to leave it to Kaidan anyway; he'd be better at it. Him blushing, though? that was the win.

She was determined, though, to win. Even as he crossed his arms, Ashley matched, the corner of her lips twitching in a smirk. She nodded along, contemplating his assessment. He was dipping his toes a little more into her territory than what he might have expected, but she'd endear him... for now.

"I think the only thing that's fried your brain is somehow related to how red your face turned about thirty seconds ago," she teased, barking a laugh. "Also, I did not say ugly, I in fact pointed out the opposite." She paused, pondering. Could she throw him off again? Probably. One glance up and down, and her smirk twitched wider. No... She'd let him off the hook for now. But there was something interesting in what he'd said.

"You know--maybe. I mean--you're an only child, but I remember you told me a little about... you know." Brain camp, of course. He'd never talked in detail, but he'd told her a little. "Looking out for the other kids? It's not that far off, you know. So you know--in a roundabout way." She gently nudged his ankle under the table with her toe. "And I don't beat up on you. I tease. Someone's gotta give that pretty face a hard time." It was just how they were; she teased, he often laughed at it.

"So... you gonna explain why you turned red as a tomato there, or am I gonna have to put my expert people-skills to use and get it out of you the hard way?" She gave him another nudge with her toe, making it clear she was genuinely curious what had Kaidan so easily flustered by a standard observation.

#;; kaidan is mostly okay #;; he didn't lie to shepard he is a fully functioning human being #;; sometimes he just gets a little meh about things #verse ;; tbd #thread ;; virmireisms #;; team milky way

[encontrole]

Walking the familiar path to Apollo's, Kaidan tried to give Kat the distance she'd seemed to want when she shot from the elevator. But she kept matching his pace. Maybe... maybe things weren't as bad as he'd feared. Things still needed mending, but... they could be mended. Hopefully. Ever since Horizon, he'd regretted expanding the distance between them. It was why he'd sent the email. Why he'd so quickly followed her command on Mars. Before he ruined that too. In the end, it was why he lowered his gun during the coup.

Because he did trust her. With everything going on around them, the war and the death, Kaidan didn't want to leave things how he did. He wanted to show her he meant it when he said he had her back.

Kaidan watched as Kat perused the menu. He already knew what he wanted, he glanced down at it ever so often just to keep her from catching him watching. The Commander looked... tired. More tired than he'd ever seen her on the SR-1. When was the last time she'd slept? How many missions had she been assigned? Reports read and meetings attended? Did she even have time to sleep? He'd been planning, if this all went well, on asking if she wanted him to take over as XO to take the load off. Now he realized she might need it.

The server came, took their orders and their menus—her light order leading him to raise his eyebrow before controlling himself—and Kaidan turned his attention back to Kat. "Uh, yeah, I did. I, uh..." He ran through the list of all they had to talk about: Horizon, an XO, the mission, catching up. But all of it paled to his concern. "Actually, Commander, before I... I want to..."

He sighed. What happened to them? This used to be so easy. He reached out, laying his hand palm-down on the table, just to make sure he had her attention. And to bridge the gap. Screw propriety, respect, waiting to make sure he had the right. Kat had been his friend. It felt wrong not to talk to her like it. "Kat... are you okay?"

Why couldn't she learn when not to say a damn thing? Even she could feel the dramatic shift in the atmosphere; she could see the way Kaidan stiffened out of the corner of her eye, the way his words sounded strained, the way it felt like even he struggled to hold a conversation. How had they got here? How had they got themselves to this point?

She could sense the wall between them. She couldn't help glancing at him; even as she slowed her pace to try and match his gait, it was like it was there, constantly. Looking around, she... questioned his definition of private. Sure, they could have a semi-private conversation, but... well, luckily, Apollo's seemed to be a bit dead at this time of day. Deserted, really; most of the seats were empty, and there were notably fewer residents wandering the Presidium at this hour.

Neutral ground, good food... that she could agree with. But it seemed he did want to talk. About what, Kat hadn't the faintest clue, but just the dreaded knowledge of a conversation that heavy was enough to make her stiffen. It's needed. He probably needs closure. Forget her own closure; if he wanted to talk, she'd let him. Taking a seat at one of the tables, Kat idly pulled up one of the menus, scrolling through it idly. She hadn't really answered him; she was still... processing exactly what she wanted to say. Even that was enough to make her wince, feeling her vision darken a little at the edges as she tried to focus.

Kat pressed the heel of her hand into one eye, like she could rub away the sudden tunnel vision that had taken over. She knew what it was from; she couldn't remember the last time she'd slept, and the amount of stress she was under was no joke. It had to have been before the coup, that was for sure. She'd tried to get some rest while they were on their way to the Citadel, but she'd barely been able to get an hour, if that, before sleep eluded her. That one same nightmare, every time... as if the rest of them weren't already bad enough.

It took some squinting, but she managed to read at least a portion of the menu, though nothing seemed to sound appetizing. She needed something that was light, something that she wouldn't struggle to eat. It was one of those moments where she knew she needed to eat something, despite her lack of an appetite. There was on easy option: a simple garden salad made with Thessian greens. With the order in, there was only one way to handle the pressure that was on both of them: talking.

"So... you said you wanted to... talk? What did you want to talk about?" Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe he just wanted to talk as professionals. It wasn't like she'd turn him away from the Normandy; there'd never been a question in her mind about his skillset or his ability to maintain professionalism. If it meant she shut down and never breached the topic of their former friendship again, then so be it; she'd do that, no matter how agonizing it would be.

#;; kaidan like you know what anything i have to say can wait actually #;; are you GOOD ma'am? #verse ;; tbd #;; best and brightest #thread ;; akuzeisms