escapism-philophobiaofmine
Vulnerabilities
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19/1/23
Can't rmb if it was today or yesterday....
but i dreamt that he was with someone new already.
acting really chummy.
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the saddest thing is i can only store him in a corner of my heart.
a special special place reserved for him to live in rent free :')
haiz 痴情的人真伤。
真吃亏
one thing i noticed about taiwanese is that they are so generous with their compliments????
like i have received so many compliments during the trip.
from the hair salon auntie, to the tea leaves auntie and even Geopark auntie.... all who couldn't believe i am single.... and travelling alone.
oh well~
tbh ngl i do think i am kind of a red flag ... i am still very reactive to most people and still projecting... aka assuming the worst of people.
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this reminds me of him :’)
beer suits himmmm since he likes beer.
when the corn thing trended on tiktok i could only wish i can send him.
haiz….
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now i’m no longer the reason he reactivated insta 🥲🥲🥲
haiz i used to be the reason for him to reactivate but now someone else is
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can i really embody that?
i heard that you’re happy without me and i hope it’s true
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on shared experiences.
overtime i realised i value quality time spent together over words of affirmation
it’s about the person being PRESENT & showing up for me
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Romanticism says you shouldn't necessarily talk too much to your lover.
Talking is often a sign of not really understanding one another.
Very privileged space is given to romanticism. 2 people have understood each other without needing to talk all the time.
Too much analysis and too much of putting of words on top of feelings is a bad thing.
It destroys feelings and emotions by thinking too much about them.
If you think too much you break things. Words can break things.
Intuitive understanding of one person by another without a medium of words.
Long term it is a catastrophe. Short term charming.
It leads to outbreak of sulking.
Worldwide increase in the prevalence of sulk.
A sulk is a feeling of hurt with another person. A wound that the other person has given you that you are not going to explain to them for the simple reason they're supposed to love you.
If they love you, they're supposed to know. You could explain what's wrong with you but if you had to explain, proves that they don't love you.
Love is by its nature, wordless.
True love is wordless.
Silent deliberately because you're a romantic. (the other person makes a few attempt. HE ONLY MADE ONE ATTEMPT)
As a romantic, you expect them to read the contents of your soul, into your interior and they should know why should you bother telling them.
Unfortunately, even the most well meaning people simply cannot understand all of us.
They can understand bits of us, how we felt.
Some things they can just get but a lot of things particular to the long term, they just cannot get.
You cannot expect the other person to be a mind reader.
Romanticism places the ability to mind read as the vision and core of love which is deeply problematic.
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Romanticism has been a catastrophe for our capacity to have good long term relationships.
& if we want to have a chance at succeeding, we would have to be disloyal to many of the romantic emotions that got us into relationships in the first place.
Romanticism has spelt trouble for our capacity to endure and thrive in long term relationships.
The problematic dynamic of relationship in terms of romanticism is self-righteousness.
It's far better to insist that all of us in various ways are deeply crazy.
None of us go through the gauntlet of early childhood adolescence with our sanity entirely in tact.
We are all warped, distorted in very distinctive ways.
This is a fundamental piece of knowledge which we should be taking with us into relationships.
Why are we unable to conceive of ourselves as damaged and crazy and therefore so prone to self-righteousness?
We have very low levels of self-knowledge and it is really hard to come by partly because there's almost a conspiracy of silence around us.
People don't tell us what they think of us.
There's no motive for them to tell us at many stages.
You really have to care about someone in order to go into all that stuff about their true character.
Ex-es don't find it worthwhile tend to take their leave saying they need more time on their own, they need to develop their character.(typical cliche reasons really)
They see certain things about you. They can't be bothered. They just want out, let somebody else sort that out.
Everybody from close up is trouble.
Non-defensive and non-hysterical answer.
We don't need people to be perfect. We need them to have a handle on their imperfections.
The calm explanation of one's insanities to another person is one of the greatest gifts.
The way that we love as adults is a reflection and deeply connected to the way that we learnt about love as children.
The problem with this is that the way that we learnt about love as children is likely to have been problematic.
It's likely that we received affection but in one way or another without necessarily meaning to our parents did us a great disservice in some ways they damaged us without necessarily meaning to and this has very particular consequences for our capacity to find love as adults because what we're trying to do in adult love is we find a kind of love we knew as children.
But it is not particularly problem free.
It is interestingly distorted and laden with all sorts of difficulties and these become the new criteria we search for in adult partners.
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Love is the acceptance of a whole being.
If you love me, why do you criticise me?
VS
Love is admiration for the perfect sides of another human being for the virtues, qualities and accomplishments in the character and achievements of another person.
You maybe generous and forgiving towards them but you don't love them.
Love should be a process of mutual education in which two people educate each other to become better version of themselves.
Not to be cruel and bring each other down but because they have the sincerest best interest of the other person.
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the deadlines and travelling did get to me
it was me trying to adjust and meet all them deadlines
so probably i wasn’t my best mood and self.
it did get to me
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it’s about sitting in with the uncomfortable truth that people aren’t always going to choose YOU
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“If we pretend not to see them, they cannot hurt us.”
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LCP is the standard. or at least some of the things he does is.
his acts of service opened up a new world for me that i learnt that i too deserve that level of acts of service extended to me.
i shouldn’t accept any less than that.
he’s the benchmark now. alongside KN.
wah but come to think about it KN was definitely securely attached.
he is legit the only guy who is expressive and communicative.
he’s not even boring like what most would say most secure people are.
he’s actually funny de leh.
bilingual. smart.
he was a green flag eh. just that you know he’s the type that says things that you don’t want to hear. he’s wise.
just that sometimes i feel that he comes off as “dismissive”.
but when i go to him for advice he does provide good insights leh.
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on some rare occasions / moments, i would think that it’s a effing privilege to be able to talk to me leh.
i think i’m quite interesting and funny to talk to sometimesssss
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