existential-dad

[existential-dad]

do drugs jack off kill yourself then wake up in the morning and have a cup of cawfie n eat some cigarettes

#every day hustle

[existential-dad]

so my sister's dog is named communist gun, but we call him red. right? and every once in a while when she wants him to jump on someone she goes "red scare!" and recently ive been trying to get him to jump on people when i go "mccarthyism!" but it's not working yet

[existential-dad]

x

#physically incapable of not being over the top all the time #is it bc im a libra?

[existential-dad]

unfortunately if you are an old friend of mine i will always care about you no matter what even if we haven't seen each other in forever because i still remember what you were like 7 years ago and i still remember how it felt to be young with you and i still have a lot of love for you in the back of my mind

[existential-dad]

[existential-dad]

Crabs deserve voting rights too I think

[existential-dad]

I do wholeheartedly believe Wes Anderson is a sick sick freak. I like his movies but I definitely think this guy has like a hidden room in his spacious french apartment that he slips into quietly each night and it is just filled with tiny little doll replicas of all the actors he's ever used in any of his movies and he puppets them around and mimicks their voices and shit. and sometimes he'll text Owen Wilson pictures of his little doll with a comb or something from an untraceable number and pair it with like "see how I take care of you Owen?" and then the following day Owen Wilson will find him at the service table and go, "Geez Wes look at this," and Wes will pretend to be all concerned and horrified but there is this calculating almost eager look in his eyes that unsettles Owen Wilson. and the next time Wes is having a little soiree with all his actors, his beloved beloved actors, maybe Owen Wilson will accidentally get lost on his way to the beautiful bathroom and find that little room and see all those dolls and his throat will hitch with horror. And before he can call Bill Murray or Adrian Brody to look a dark silhouette will appear in the doorway and Wes looks sort of resigned when he says, "I see you finally found my secret, Owen," and Owen Wilson will try and pretend that he's fine with it but they both know better. and Wes will go (the look in his eyes back again) "We both know this can't get out, right?" and he'll grin very suddenly and Owen Wilson will laugh along very nervously and leave the room and eat some brioche and when the evening is over he will rush over to his Prius and frantically click his keys but over the cobbles on the beautiful beautiful street there is the sound of footsteps. and tears are running down Owen Wilson's cheeks but he can't say a word and Wes, emerging from the shadows, will gently touch him on the shoulder and say, "look, I'll drive you to the airport, huh?" and Owen Wilson will try to refuse but they both know it's futile. and, halfway through the drive, Wes Anderson will smile and say, "I'll miss working with you" and then perfectly jump and roll out of the car, wiping off his corduroy pants, while Owen Wilson's Prius swerves into a local patisserie, bursting into flames

[existential-dad]

i love pictures of the international space station which are just completely overexposed because that is just.. unequivocally an angel.

[existential-dad]

MARCH 14TH

THE DAY THAT KRABS FRIES

[existential-dad]

nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING will get me as riled up as religious symbolism

[existential-dad]

do you ever say something and then think "wow this isnt even a bit. im just like this"

[existential-dad]

ever since i was a small child i knew i wanted to have an unemployable skillset

[existential-dad]

being a little kid was so funny bc you could literally just say somethint like “I think everybody should get along and share :-)” and all the adults in your life would go oh GODDDD STUUUPIIIIDD!!!!!!!! STUPID FUCKING KID ALERT!! Don’t uou know when you grow up you have to face the Government Mandated 100000 Wild boar Attack

[existential-dad]

not ignoring you not replying to you but a secret third thing

#knowing i havent responded and desperately wanting to respond but alas #the stars are not in position for this message. stars. cant do it. not today

[existential-dad]

catholic priest running late to mass with the sacramental bread in his mouth

[existential-dad]

Love the "quality check" portion of the Domino's tracker. I imagine some 14 year old Domino's worker stoned out of their mind doing this for a few minutes

[existential-dad]

i wish ads felt pain when you skipped them