falling-hard-for-you-boy

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Today is another day no different than any other. The only change it is possible to bring I can. I want to and I will play on ukulele and cry out my heart- I can’t wait for that part.

But for now I am just sitting in the chair and think about the time when I finally said it all out loud. It was tough at the beginning and I really wish I had the strenght to write it all down but I am lacking it right now. I also have soo much more to say, I have knives to cut with and thoughts to share but I think the right time had passed. Or is there a certain “right time”? Can I create one?

I wish I could tell you and run you through the day you sang that motherfucking song with her. That hurt like crazy. I wish I could tell how the tiles crumbled under me as I crawled up heavy and left out to see the scene I wish I could have erased from the history not only from my memory.

You have no fucking clue. You have no fucking clue and no fucking need what did I mean that time and you made me feel as if my emotions were not valid as if they were ridiculous and unfair. You do not get to decide first of all, and second of all, take me seriously.

I just really wish you knew what’s going on without me having to tell you. It’s so all over the place and strong, I do wish I could just give you five minutes. You’d see that I have no bad intentions, I have a pure heart deep down, it’s just that I am unable to express my emotions.

Please at least for once take a fucking look and see.

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Ahogy felcsap az orrodba, Ott étzed, hogy élsz Megvolt mindenem Nem panaszkodhatok A zene tisztàbb A tulaj megkúrna, azt akarom làtni amit valójàban gondolok Megijeszt vagy sem Nem aftereztem De nem baj Januàrban làtjuk egymàst Nem hagy nyugodni a fantàziàlàs rólam Telhesen aggaszt Érdekel Ha egy ujjal hozzàd ér megölöm Megvolt az agresszió Meg akarja ismerni Az életét Még én sem tudom Még én sem tudom Kínos de kielégîtő Őt nem érdeklem Őt nem érdeklem Elkente a rúzsàt Teljes off Nem is az, hogy együtt Hanem hogy ilyen prosztó, Alpàri, Ócska, Olcsó, Érzéketlen módon. Nem is akarom ezutàn Ennyi az egész Vidszaolvasom holnap Azt mondhatnàm az elmém tiszta de itt van a K Mr K Vagy C? Azt momdtam vonzódom hozzà Ez valahol igaz? Tanîthatna nekem Megkérdezzem tàvozàsomkor? Valami Egyek? Jobb lesz? Holnap erika, bank és alvàs Sok volt Lehel is kitette a lelkét Vanda tényleg gyönyörű De akkor miért? Miért kell a màsodik, ha tiéd az első? Nem értelek Ha megismer úgyis elmondja Lehet rólam beszélt? Szeretnek Lehet vigyàznak ràm? Ki tudja Tisztàn hallok Semmi nem érdekel There is yet another fountain The dooooo köszönöm Jó volt Azt mondta okosabb vagyok, mint amennyit mutatok Örülök, hogy ezt làtja Ezt akaraom Kedves ember Most tudom mit mondott De màr oszlik Vissza lehelre Azt mondta köszönöm Az estéért És hogy megmztattam milyen gyönyörű nő vagyok Sajnàlom a kevés időt amit együtt töltöttünk A jobb orlyukam boldog Orsi szeretett az elsőktől fogva :)

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Miguel

I fucking feel awful

Hurting someone you love or loved

I hope you will find someone real

Someone true

You thought it was me

But it was not

I was honest

I am so fucking sorry

I was the one trying to save you from the world

Hurting

Now I hurt you

It sucks

I could be that one

Now I feel miserable

For fucks sake

Please be good

You always were

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

°

Every wall in my room has a beating on me

Maybe I could pin them with one black thick text on them

Eternity is where I think it is

Maybe they won’t hurt me anymore

I answered the question they never asked me

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

The change

Hot.

Skin.

Sweat.

Light.

Lips.

Looks.

Eye.

Pupils.

Touch.

More.

Wanting.

Shame.

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Exulansis

All the time and each time I get drunk

I think about telling it to you

To her, to him, to all these people whom I call my friends but still the burning shame makes me shut up

What if I’d tell you?

It would be the worst and I don’t even consider it as an option

What if I told him? He would say I get it and don’t worry you surely not feeling this you are just confused

How can a person be so confused that it kills her mind

It does kill mine

What if I told her?

She would be the only way to ask for help

She is such a good person

I should keep it

After I told for a split second I would see her response and after that I would regret

Regret it till the day I die

Or could she help?

Should I go to a psychologic alone?

Should I use the giftcard I had been holding in my phone case since forever?

I can never know

I want to talk about my feelings I want my friends to help but I am so scared they would see us in a different way

They could never relate

Only an another person with gsa

I don’t want them to think about us weirdly only because I am sick

I am so sick...

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Right after the big hug

I had thought it is over

And i had thought this in last month or last week or that monday we didn’t get to sing

I am pretty sure you fucked

It eats me

The thought of you two

I want you to be apart

I want to separate you

But you must hate her

I want her to slap you in the face and that is it

But one day you said something

You dropped a hint that maybe this is what you need

Is it?!

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Sing!

My insecurity makes me hate who I am not

My jealousy makes me rude

I disguise everything in another layer and still it turns out to be only my fault

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

I want to think that

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Funicular

You know what it’s like being stoned?

It’s almost when u bow under the funicular

And still as you go you feel your neck caught up

What if you want me back because of some stupid stuff

What if you want me to be warm and safe

As a father

Not as a lover

You might think I’m cold here but I’m all okay

I miss you

I am going to wear your jacket in seconds

Here I am

I pulled my neck in, close to your scent

I am into scents

But still I am not surrounded by you

God I don’t know how could I get to you hugging me more often

With staying this rejecting personality

I am so hard to hold

I am a heavy heart to carry

But see

I don’t love you that way

When I get to think about you growing old I am not interested

Or am I?

I look at your old hands and

It’s gone

But I hate to disgust myself with these pictures

Maybe you got younger by me for a couple months

Maybe that’s what you want from me

I want you to caress me right now

I will drown in my guilt

I am still worried

So worried

What if she

What if she’s..

Heavy heart

There are times I picture us in your flat only two

It would be so weird

I would be scared

Of many things

And still what the hell would I do

I should have known better

I should have find you

Sometimes I wonder if I remember you holding me

Did I see you? Could I even remember your face?

Maybe that one time you were drunk and held me in your arms you set standards and all that

We have been connected since forever

They cannot take that away from us

She is 45

I don’t want a little sister

I don’t want a little brother

Her daughter and I will just swoop into the past and be forgotten

You will be this happy couple

Maybe then it won’t be so hard for her to let her go

And it won’t be hard for you to let me go

Oh if you ever get to read this

I don’t know

I can’t imagine a life like that

I always see your scared face avoiding to touch me but

What if

My dear god what if you feel the same

Did I go insane?

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

A few days ago it came all over again

Today I whispered your name when I was thinking about you even though no one could’ve heard it

It was the rooftop of my common sense

What do I talk about I don’t have that since a while

Her period is late

If it’s a possibility that because of she’s pregnant then it must indicate that you had sex with her some of these days

Which day

If she is pregnant then

Oh no

She is gonna have a baby

A baby from you

It will keep you here

It cannot be

She must abort it

I don’t want you to get stuck

I don’t want you to have an another daughter

It would be the WORST

I cannot see that

I cannot share my love

With another woman

Or maybe

It will be a boy

You will watch Formula 1 with him and have those conversations

I can’t fuckin watch this happen

Please god don’t let this happen

It would be the tragedy of my life

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Mirror

I got lonely

Again

I had thought that the idea of you holding me has gone away

Then I looked over and my lips started to tremble

It’s still here

Still holding my throat and caressing it with it’s claws

I can’t outrun this haunting idea

My chest and soul is shaking from the cold

I feel cold and dirty

Maybe I will fall asleep in the bathtub again

I don’t want you to find me there

I am in pain

I am worried about my future

Will this feeling ever go away?

My cigarette is burning too fast while I type

I hate to look at

Me?

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Monsters Calling Home || Mr. Brightside (The Killers cover)

[falling-hard-for-you-boy]

Jinney

It’s almost 1 am and I can’t sleep

I keep thinking about you

I want to be with you