fear-of-self

[fear-of-self]

Jaakko Pallasvuo

[fear-of-self]

card declined at therapy so they told me all my love is just fleeting obsession and i cant truly be relied on when the rubber really meets the road

card declined at therapy they tell me good intention isnt enough, it always fades, erodes

card declined at therapy they say i'll never rise above my station, my cluttered apartment a 1:1 reflection of all i'll ever be

card declined at therapy they said the burden of my mother's psychic imprint will be something i'll never stop having to hold at bay. that it will inexorably subsume me like the rising tide.

card declined at therapy they said i lost my way, that my head's pulled under samsaran waters

card declined at therapy, they said that the occasional buzzing i feel in my teeth means i'm damned to Hell

[fear-of-self]

preoccupied poet, maude phelps hutchins

[fear-of-self]

nagata kabi / alison bechdel

[fear-of-self]

in internet posts it is easy to cut them out of your life. they are hurting you! they aren't listening to you!

they held your hair back. they lent you lipstick. they held your hand at the train station and got you home safe. they rounded on your bully, got loud, said get fucked, spitting-mad in your defense.

they also cut the hair off again. told you that you should really think twice before wearing something like that. took you for granted. took your insecurities and threw them in your face again.

you know logically it should be easy. all the internet advice comments always read it will feel better. like an equation - if a person is rotten, you just remove them. you pull the tooth that's hurting.

but it was never a big flare-up moment. you don't live in a sitcom. they never tried to take your boyfriend or steal from your apartment. they showed up to birthdays and they wrote songs about you and bring you water without you asking. once you found out they carry an emergency inhaler for you, even though you haven't had an asthma attack in years - just in case.

where is the line? people fuck up. sometimes they fuck up badly. sometimes people have raw personalities, like a powerline, and being around them is dangerous. addicting. sometimes they can't help themselves, but you know they're trying. sometimes they are just rough-around-the-edges. sometimes they don't even realize how they sounded when they said that. sometimes it's just - you've both loved each other for so long now, the way this thing hurts goes back to the root.

and that's the fucked up part. you have pushed your fingers against the sweetheart of memory. things these days are electric, tense, harrowing. they didn't used to be. there were a lot of good days in there. sometimes you want to just close your eyes and say can this be over yet? do we still need to be fighting?

doing that would give up any chance you get of getting an apology, but you don't always know that you need an apology, you love them. once they flaked on your birthday party. once they told you to get over it, people are always dying. they also let you crash on their couch for a week after the breakup, handfeeding you when you were so sad you couldn't eat. they are also judgmental about everything, occasionally react to banal statements with an attitude that is weird and fiery. they also love you like a lighthouse sometimes, so strong they cut the storm like lightning.

but the problem is that you might be storm. you might be the thing that needs breaking. what if you are two forces who are desperately, horribly drawn to each other, shaped by the other person's passions, and both good for each other and bad in equal measure.

what if you're both just people, and you're no saint neither.

just cut them off! swallowing the saltwater, you catch yourself in the mirror. you've been shaking more than usual. there's an ache in you that is oblique, loud, impossible to soothe. is this what it looks like? when life is "easier"?

your mouth will always have a hole, is the thing, if you remove the tooth.

[fear-of-self]

[“The misconception about generosity is that you should be willing to do pretty much anything, and if you aren’t, you need to change your attitude and expand yourself somehow. This is backwards. The secret to generosity is to tend to your limits. When we can say no, we no longer have to guard against what someone may ask us for, so we relax and become generous within our limits. It’s limits first, and then generosity and joy arise from there. Like any form of giving, if you feel resentful or hesitant, you have not yet noticed or communicated your limit. When you feel tense about giving, look to your limits. Ask yourself, What am I afraid they will ask me for? Which is to say, What am I afraid to say no to? You also might find that when you trust yourself to stay responsible, your limits themselves relax somewhat. You learn you don’t have to keep your guard up and that you can change your mind at any time.”]

Betty Martin, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

[fear-of-self]

i think one of the most misunderstood and misused "therapy speak" things is I Statements.

I Statements aren't just about starting with "I feel...." they are about identifying, specifically, the emotions you're dealing with, and acknowledging your subjective experience instead of making objective claims about the other person that you can't possibly know.

"i feel like you hate me" is not an I statement. "you hate me" is not an emotion. "i feel insecure in our relationship" or "i feel vulnerable," or even "i'd like affirmation," those are I Statements. you can't just slap "i feel" before an accusatory sentence and call it good. you need to actually pay attention to the spirit of the idea too.

[fear-of-self]

When you fail to be selfish in the big important way in which you actually should be selfish you end up being selfish in stupid irrelevant ways in a last ditch unconscious effort to mark yourself on the world, in situations, because at the end of the day we all need to feel ourselves as vital in the world or within our interpersonal systems. You need somewhere in life where you feel important. I’m not saying you need to be the star. Just that what you can offer must be loved and appreciated and of value. Think about your days. You need someplace you need someone with whom you sense the truth of your integrality and importance. If you would be selfish in the big important way maybe they won’t love you anymore but they’ll have to respect you and maybe you will respect yourself. The soul speaks a symptomatic language. It hit me that I feel like ornamentation most of the time, and my soul is angry with me but at the same time tired of all of it. Static on an old TV

[fear-of-self]

Leila Chatti, "Postcard from Gone"

[fear-of-self]

“The rule for all terrors is to head straight into them. When you are sailing in a storm, you don’t let a wave hit your boat on the side. You go bow into the wave and ride it. So in the same way, old folklore says, this is an old wives tale with a lot of truth in it, whenever you meet a ghost don’t run away, because the ghost will capture the substance of your fear and materialise itself out of your own substance and will kill you eventually, because it will take over all your own vitality. So then, whenever confronted with a ghost, walk straight into it and it will disappear. So in the same way, when people stir up the depths of the unconscious and are confronted with their own monsters….when you get that sense of terror, go right at it, don’t run away. Explore, feel the fear as completely as you can feel it. Head straight into it and just it so happens that these things give you the opportunity to go into some of your very, very most closely kept skeletons and the result of that is invariably beneficial.”

— Alan Watts, The Rule for All Terrors

[fear-of-self]

self-centeredness comes from lack of self-worthliness. the need to perform the self, to perform impressiveness, to protect the self from acting from a position of vulnerability. this takes all time and attention, constant concentration, and the muscle of giving attention and intention to others never develops. people notice when you only talk about yourself and dont engage with what they're doing.

perhaps I only know how to truly interact with other artistes bc I'm only truly impressed by other artistes. artists who have a robuste practice don't rely on others to comtinue forward and prolific artists always have something new to show and talk about. but I do want to give attention and intention and care to those I am less mindlessly intrigued by.

in order to do that I need to cool it on the "proving myself through constant performance" front. let myself be unimpressive, or trust that we're all good on that front. try to uncouple the need to be seen as desireable and how I get people to either interact with me or feel so lucky to be interacted with.

take down the protective wards

[fear-of-self]

[fear-of-self]

I give space

to chronic pain and to chronic fatigue

I give space

to queer existentialism

I give space

to the need for rest and breaks

I give space

to insecurity

I give space

to the want and need for self improvement

I give space

to falling short

and I give space

to the want to be seen

[fear-of-self]

I have learned that when sadness comes to visit me, all I can do is say “I see you.” I spend some time with it, get up, and say goodbye. I don’t push it away. I own it. And because I own it, I let it go.

Carolina Zacaria

[fear-of-self]

bell hooks mentioned going through a time in her life where she was severely depressed and suicidal and how the only way she got through it was through changing her environment: She surrounded her home with buddhas of all colors, Audre Lorde’s A Litany for Survival facing her as she wakes up, and filling the space she saw everyday with reinforcing objects and meaningful books. She asks herself each day, “What are you going to do today to resist domination?” I also really liked it when she said that in order to move from pain to power, it is crucial to engage in “an active rewriting of our lives.”

[fear-of-self]

It requires so much forgiveness to live a life. 

[fear-of-self]

Olena Kalytiak Davis, Shattered Sonnets, Love Cards, and Other Off and Back Handed Importunities

Sharon Olds, True Love

Stephen Crane, In The Desert

Cameron Awkward-Rich, Meditations in an Emergency

ANTIGONE: The fields were wet. They were waiting for something to happen. The whole world was breathless, waiting. I can’t tell you what a roaring noise I seemed to make alone on the road. It bothered me that whatever was waiting, wasn’t waiting for me.

Jean Anouilh, Antigone

Etel Adnan, The Spring Flowers Own & The Manifestations of the Voyage

I’m trying to give you everything I have. But I can’t find it; I can’t find it yet.

Alice Notley, In The Pines

Anne Carson, Plainwater: Essays and Poetry

& if I were to forgive you (& I know I could)

who would be left

who would be left

to forgive me?

Hieu Minh Nguyen, Afterwards

Mahmoud Darwish, Mural

Fariha Róisín, How to Cure a Ghost

“You kiss the back of my legs and I want to cry. Only / the sun has come this close, only the sun.”

Shauna Barbosa, GPS

Mahmoud Darwish, Mural

Forough Farrokhzad, Another Birth

repetition in poetry // part i

(part ii) (part iii) (part iv) (part v)