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flamingi · 2 years

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Sleep Well, Princess

Title: Sleep Well, Princess

Pairing: Jaehyun x You (feat. brother!Taeyong)

Genre: age gap, big brother's best friend au, angst, drama, fluff, romance, slow burn, smut

Warnings: six year age gap, unprotected and kind of public sex (no worries, nothing rated will involve minors!)

Word Count: 12.5k

Summary: When you were six, you developed a crush on your older brother's best friend. When you were thirteen, you fell head over heels in love with him. When you were sixteen, you decided to wait for when the time was right. When you were nineteen, he rejected you.

The first memory you had of Jeong Jaehyun was that of a warm summer evening when you encountered an unfamiliar boy sitting at your terrace.

You had hurried back home from your friend’s house, eager to make it for dinner on time, but when you had arrived, your entire family was gathered in the garden, eating watermelon with a boy you had never seen before.

“That’s Jaehyun!” your older brother Taeyong had introduced him. “He’s new in town and my classmate!”

Jaehyun had worn the brightest smile, the corners of his lips smeared with leftover watermelon that let his skin glisten with sweet juice. You hadn’t even been able to clearly hear the words he was directing at you, that was how full his mouth was.

When you had sat down next to your twelve-year-old brother on the stairs, munching on your watermelon like everyone else, you were watching this new boy Jaehyun from the corner of your eyes, your pupils wanting to stay fixated on the fruit, but still going astray eventually.

He was as tall and slim as your older brother, wearing similar clothes, having similar haircuts, and even speaking and laughing in a similar manner. If anything, they could pass as brothers.

But for your real brother, as a matter of fact, you didn’t want to look at him for so long. But for your brother, you didn’t want him to look back at you. But for your brother, your cheeks didn’t flush so much in his presence.

“My, my!” Taeyong had laughed. “I think my sister has a crush on you!”

You had smacked him so hard, your fingerprints were still visible on his arm later that night. That was one of the downsides of being so close to a sibling: they could read you like an open book. There was nothing you could hide from them.

You had wanted to disappear right there and then, convinced to currently experiencing the most embarrassing moment of your young life so far. You hadn’t even known Jaehyun for half an hour, yet you were labelled as the annoying little sister probably.

But Jaehyun had only laughed, nothing more. And just like that, the topic had been swept under the rug to never be addressed again.

Most children experienced their first crush at the age of five.

You had been six at that time.

Throughout the years, you had not only watched your brother grow, but Jaehyun as well as they became the bestest of friends.

His height had shot upwards so that he was now even towering your brother by a few inches. He had built muscles that were becoming more apparent through his clothings. His face had gotten more expressive features after maturing in his teenage years.

You had been crushing on your brother’s best friend for as long as you could think of.

And then, he broke your heart.

____

When You Were 7

“Yongie! Yongie!”

You ran into the living room, the pink tulle rustling with each step of yours as the wand of the same color swung in your hands when you entered through the door and found your brother sitting on the couch, playing a video game on the big TV.

“Yongie! How do you find my dress?”

Your brother shifted around. “A new princess dress? Looks amazing on you, sis!”

“Right?!” You smiled brightly. “I’m a princess!”

The moment you encountered Jaehyun next to him though, you stopped in your tracks and looked at his best friend, frozen.

You hadn’t been aware that he was here, even though on the weekends, he usually always was. Yet, you suddenly felt so foolish and childish in your pink princess gown with the magic wand, imagining yourself to reign in a non-existent country.

Jaehyun was thirteen years old, of course he would only laugh at little girls who played dress up, especially as princesses.

Slowly, your hand that was holding the wand sank to your side along with your head, and all the sparks from your eyes vanished when it dawned on you that it would probably make Jaehyun think of you sillily when he saw this overly childish side of yours.

“How’s your country called, princess?”

You turned keen-eared upon hearing his words. Immediately, your head shot up and you locked gazes with him, his expression only radiating kindness with the soft smile that he was addressing at you.

Princess.

He had called you princess!

“It’s called ‘Phantasia’!” you announced proudly. “I’m the reigning princess!”

“Well, princess… Where is your crown? A princess usually wears a crown, right?”

“Oh…” You touched your head as though you had placed it there the moment before. “I broke it the last time…”

“No worries. A true princess doesn’t need a crown to make her whole.”

For the rest of the day, you felt like walking on clouds. No one was able to take away what Jaehyun had said to you earlier, and you were even still grinning when your mother read a goodnight story to you later that night.

The weekend after that, Jaehyun was over at your house again.

Taeyong had told you that he was living with his grandfather as his parents were doing business abroad, and whenever possible, the old man needed rest, so Jaehyun spent most of his free time at your house. Your brother didn’t mind, and you were surely the last one to object to this arrangement.

“This is for you, princess.”

You were sitting on the terrace when Jaehyun suddenly appeared in front of you, carrying something in his hand that you weren’t able to clearly see against the sunlight. A moment later, you felt a light pressure on your head.

When your fingers reached up and touched an edgy plastic object on top of your head, you instantly knew what it was without needing to take it off and inspect.

You got so excited, you were sure you were going to burst with bliss.

It was a crown.

“A crown doesn’t make you a princess as you already are one,” Jaehyun explained. “But it’s still nice to have some validation every now and then, right?”

You refused to take off the silver plastic crown with the pink jewels for the next weeks without a single break, even adamant to wear it during bathtime and to sleep until your mother got so sick and tired of it that she took it away and threatened to never give it back to you unless you came back to your senses.

Since then, the crown sat enthroned on top of your drawer so that you had a good look at it from all corners in your room.

It was your biggest treasure.

A month later, Taeyong had his first big party, and of course, all his friends came over, including Jaehyun.

Since his gathering had started during your bedtime, your mother had forbidden you to go downstairs as you should be asleep already, but you were so excited for the event to take place that two hours later, you were still wide awake.

You were listening to the boys’ voices from the ground floor as you peeked through your door and slowly crawled to the very top of the stairs to catch a glimpse at the guests downstairs. But you saw nothing yet, so you sneaked to crouch on the first step.

When you still weren’t able to get even the slightest insight into the happenings, you decided to go down another step in your crouching position, but in the process, you lost your balance so that you suddenly slipped and fell down the rest of the stairs with loud rumbling.

“Ouch!” you let out, feeling all your muscles and bones ache when you finally came to a standstill.

“Taeyong, someone fell down the stairs!”

You were lying on the ground, many pairs of eyes directed at you from above when you opened your lids, but even among all these faces with your head still dizzy, you were able to make out Jaehyun’s features in the corner.

“Let me through, that’s my sister!”

You felt your body getting lifted up and stabilized by the strong arms of your brother.

“Sis, are you okay?” Taeyong was touching your arms, feet, head, and then your upper body. “Thank god, nothing seems to be broken! Are you alright? Is your head okay? We have to make sure that you didn’t get a concussion from the fall! Come with me.”

Your brother carried you in his arms to the couch, the music having come to a pause, and all the gathered boys’ faces were directed at you. The entire situation suddenly got so embarrassing for you, and if your mother would find out, you’d get one hell of a rebuke!

“It’s okay!” you tried to brush it off. “I’m okay!”

You wanted to jump from the couch when a familiar voice suddenly instructed, “Sit still.”

Jaehyun gave Taeyong a frozen pack of pears that your brother then pressed on the back of your head.

“Look at me.”

That was easy. You weren’t able to look at anything or anyone other than Jaehyun anyway. You got lost in his deep, brown eyes that were always so soft but now so serious. He lifted a finger in front of you.

“Follow my motions.”

You nodded and moved your eyes to the right and left, then back, and then to the right and left again as he wanted.

“How many fingers do you see?”

“Three.” Pause. “One.” Pause. “Four.”

“Does something else hurt besides your head on which you have fallen?”

You shook your head. “Only my limbs and back from the fall. But it’s subsiding.”

“She’s all right,” Taeyong then stated. “Thank god.” He put the pack of pears in your hand. “Then I can scold you now! What were you thinking, lurking on the stairs in the middle of the night in the absolute dark?!”

“I wanted to… The kitchen… water... I-” you stuttered, starting to tremble all over as you got so overwhelmed with the entire situation.

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun interrupted him. “It’s late, she just hurt herself… Just leave it be. How about we get you a glass of water and then I’ll bring you back upstairs, okay y/n?”

Like in a trance, you nodded. You couldn’t believe what he had just offered. “Okay.”

“Then continue serving your guests, Taeyong, I’ll be right back.”

You held onto Jaehyun’s warm hand when you followed him up the stairs back into your bedroom. He had never been here before, and suddenly, you wished your room was a bit more tidied up and your plushies wouldn’t be as scattered as usual.

But Jaehyun didn’t seem to mind as he placed the glass of water on your nightstand while you slipped under your blanket.

“Everything okay? Nothing hurts, right?”

You nodded. “I’m alright.”

“Then, I’m glad.”

Relief resonated in his tone, and his eyes only averted for a second, but this single second was long enough for him to notice something at the other side of the room.

“The crown,” he remarked. “It’s there.”

“Of course,” you answered triumphantly. “It’s my biggest treasure!”

“Then take care of it well.” Jaehyun smiled, walked to the door and switched off the lights. “Sleep well, princess.”

“Goodnight, Jaehyun.”

After he had closed the door, you still thought about the events for a long time, even when the voices downstairs vanished one by one. The touch of his hand embracing your fingers remained until the next morning.

You were seven and crushing on Jaehyun.

____

When You Were 10

You were regularly spending your summer breaks at your grandparents’ house by the seaside, and since Jaehyun couldn’t visit his parents in the US this time as they were too busy with their business, you had decided to tag him along with you.

“Yongie, look!” you called for your brother. “My side is already this big!”

Taeyong sat up and looked over the pile of sand to get a glimpse at your construction. “Beat me, sis!”

“You have to hurry up, we have to finish first before mommy calls us for dinner!”

“Alright, alright,” he gave in with a laugh.

You were sitting there in the sand with your blue swimsuit and a straw hat, wanting to build the biggest sand castle this small seaside town had ever seen. But one person, who had volunteered to help, was still missing, even though he had excused himself quite a while ago already.

“Where is Jaehyun?” you asked your brother and looked around from under your hat. “We can’t get it done without him.”

“I don’t know.” Taeyong shrugged. “You wanna look for him? I have some catching up to do here, huh?”

“Okay!”

You arose from your spot and freed your legs and knees from the sand that had gotten stuck on your skin. It was a hot summer evening, and you would have to leave soon, but not without getting this sand castle done, you were very determined.

Walking to the toilets, you waited there for quite a bit, but Jaehyun wasn’t among the people leaving even five minutes later, so you made your way to the stalls where people were selling food, and indeed, Jaehyun stood there by a table. But he was not alone.

From afar, you spotted two girls who were with him, and it was obvious that they were head over heels for Jaehyun.

Somehow, this bugged you very much, your nails digging into the palms of your hands as you clenched them to fists. Jaehyun was only standing there, talking to them, but that was enough to get you sulking, and you didn’t even know why.

Stomping through the sand back to Taeyong, you still weren’t able to get the picture with him and the two girls out of your head.

“Hey sis, look I’m this far al-”

You jumped into the nearly finished sand castle and walked all over the construction.

“Hey! All the hard work is now gone to waste!” Taeyong complained in disbelief.

“I don’t care! I wanna go home!”

“Did something happen?” he asked you gently as you flopped down on the pile of sand and crossed your arms, pulling the straw hat deep into your face.

“No.”

“Why the sudden mood change then?”

“Whatever. Can we just go home?”

“We have to wait for Jaehyun.”

“No, we can just go without him.”

Taeyong deeply sucked in a rush of air and sat down in the sand right next to you. “I know when something happened and you don’t want to tell me, sis. We’re siblings. We just feel it.”

You wanted to scream from the top of your lungs, not being able to sort these controversial feelings into anywhere as you had never experienced anything like it before.

“We don’t need to wait for Jaehyun as he already has company,” you pressed through gritted teeth.

“Who?”

“Girls.”

“Mhm… I see.”

Only the sound of the sea was audible to you as you continued sitting quietly next to each other, counting the sand grains to your feet.

“Jaehyun is a good looking, sixteen year old guy. Nobody can withhold him from talking to girls or girls coming to him in the first place,” your brother then opened the conversation. “You’ve grown up with the two of us, sis. Of course you’d get attached to him too and view everyone else as a threat to your relationship with him. But him talking to other girls besides you is normal, and you gradually have to accept this.”

You continued to sulk, but as his words slowly dawned on you, you started to make sense of these feelings as well.

“Remember when I brought my female friend home one day and you were on our nerves the rest of the time she was there?”

Of course you remembered. You had been jealous that his entire attention was directed at her only, even though usually, he spent his free time with you.

You hadn’t talked to him the entire next day.

Oh.

“For me, you’ll always be my little sister. Even when I get a girlfriend or will be married one day, you will come first for me.” These words made you smile amongst the chaos within you. “One day, Jaehyun will find someone he loves and wants to spend his life with as well, and this person will be the number one for him - just like you are for me.”

“And why can’t I be that person?”

Taeyong chuckled and his arms wrapped around you for a comforting embrace. “Because you are my person already.”

“And if I want to change that person?”

You laughed out loud together now.

“You wouldn’t want someone to keep us apart as well, right?”

“Of course not!”

Taeyong stopped laughing. “Then you must realize that you can’t act to Jaehyun this way.”

Turning serious again, you inhaled deeply. “I don’t want to be a nuisance to him.”

“You’re not, sis. But if you keep feeling and acting this way, you’re on the verge of being. But don’t worry, you’ll always hold a special place in Jaehyun’s life. I know.”

Somehow, this reassurance from Jaehyun’s best friend calmed you down. In the end, he was the person who knew him the best.

“Hey you two.”

You both looked up, and you had to blink a few times before you recognized Jaehyun in front of you. Speak of the devil.

“I’m sorry that it took me so long,” he apologized. “Some girls wouldn’t let me go, even though this entire time, I was afraid the ice cream would melt. But I still made it on time, I hope.” He held a popsicle right in front of you. “Here, for you.”

“For… me?” you wanted to make sure, and he nodded.

With care, you took the popsicle into your hand.

“What about me?” Taeyong asked.

“Get your own one.”

“Unfair!”

With sparkling eyes, you stared at the popsicle. The sweet liquid was already dripping on your fingers and on the sand underneath you, but you didn’t mind. Amidst everything, he had brought this to you.

“Thank you,” you said gratefully.

“Of course,” Jaehyun smiled.

When you came out of the bathroom after having showered, you passed by Taeyong’s room where he and Jaehyun were residing during your stay. You wanted to barge in to say goodnight before you went to bed, but stopped when you overheard them talking heatedly.

“What about the girls from before?” your brother asked. “You gonna meet them? They were from Seoul too, right?”

“Of course not. You know I’m not going to date anyone.”

“That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy your youth.”

You heard Jaehyun laugh. “Yeah, not now. Maybe later.”

Somehow, it set your mind at ease. With a fluttering heart, you walked inside the room and told them, “Goodnight, guys!”

“‘Night, sis.”

“Sleep well, princess.”

You were ten and now knew what jealousy meant.

____

When You Were 13

It was your first time trying to use eyeliner as you stood in the bathroom, painting the black line along your right lid.

“Oh no!” you then exclaimed, having miscalculated the angle again and now in the process of making this line thicker than the one on your left lid. “I’ll never get it right…”

In the end, you considered yourself satisfied with what you had gotten right and put a bit of your mother’s lipstick and blush on. Throwing kisses and posing in front of the mirror, you threw your hair back and forth, inspecting your reflection from every side.

Not flawlessly perfect, you thought, but close to it.

In two inch heels, you walked out of the bathroom with your cutest dress on. From downstairs, you could already hear your brother shouting to your mother across the room that he was taking her car now, so you knew you didn’t have much time left before he’d leave.

“Taeyong!” you called after him, coming down the stairs with rather shaky steps and much slower than you intended. “Taeyong, wait! Can you take me with you and drop me off at Seulgi’s please?”

“Huh? Okay, then hurry up, Jaehyun is on hi-”

He stopped mid-sentence and watched you stop on the ground floor, not having recognized you at first glance.

“What did you do?” Taeyong then yelled, approaching you with hasty steps. “Why do you look like a panda? What’s with these dark eyes? That’s ridiculous!”

He wanted to touch your face, but you slapped his hand away. “That’s eyeliner! Everyone wears that nowadays!” you defended yourself.

“But not a thirteen year old!” he said indignantly. “And that lipstick? Is there a clown parade in the neighborhood I have to know about? Is that why you meet up at Seulgi’s? And what’s with these shoes? You can’t even walk in them! Did you get them from mom? They’re way too big!”

“Of course I can walk in them!” you yelled back at him. “Mind your own business, will you?!”

“You look entirely ridiculous, sis! Go dress yourself properly and wash your face at once! I’m not taking you with me if you look like this!”

“No way!” You stomped with your feet on the ground. “I can dress however I want!”

“Mom!” Taeyong then yelled louder. “Mom, come loo-”

“Knock, knock.”

You both turned around and encountered Jaehyun standing by the open entrance door.

“You didn’t hear me, so I thought I’d just go inside and then I saw you shouting at each other. What’s up even?”

“My sister is up!” Taeyong placed his hand on his forehead as though in exhaustion. “She decided to join the circus today, apparently! Just look at her!”

You felt tears welling up behind your eyes as Jaehyun’s gaze fell upon you. You had only wanted Taeyong to give you a ride, because he and Jaehyun were supposed to go to the sports court to play basketball this evening, and you wanted to take this chance to be close to his friend for a short while.

In a magazine from a classmate, you had read that women usually prettied themselves up before they met with a man they liked, and since your big brother’s best friend was the person you liked, you thought this also applied to you.

In the magazine, you had seen them not only wearing high heels, but also designer dresses and other pretty clothes. Their make up had made them look even more beautiful, and their hair was flowing in long locks over their shoulders.

You thought, for your age and skills, you didn’t look that bad. But in the eyes of 19-year-old boys, you apparently did look like a clown.

Without another word, you turned around and ran up the stairs. Your ankles hurt from all the twisting while walking, but you rather wanted to feel this physical pain instead of the emotional one Taeyong’s further words would make you experience.

You kicked the heels away in front of your bedroom and then disappeared to the inside, throwing yourself onto the bed with your clown face buried into the pillow. Rather than crying, you wanted to scream in anger. Only moments later, sadness kicked in.

You were only a child in these boys’ eyes, so your older brother was probably right. What did you even know? You most likely truly did look like a clown, having made a fool of yourself right in front of Jaehyun’s eyes.

Now, he would never look at you like a woman.

“Go away!” you then shouted as you heard it knock on your door. “I don’t want to talk to you!”

“It’s me.” Pause. “Jaehyun.”

Within a second, you were sitting straight on your bed, your expression lightening up until you realized that he was still your brother’s best friend and probably led a similar way of thinking.

“You don’t have to scold me as well. I know my lesson.”

“I didn’t come to scold you.”

You remained silent for a moment, but then consented, “Come in.”

Thick strands of your hair fell into your face, but you didn’t swipe them away to not have Jaehyun face your panda mien directly. You heard him closing the door behind him, then walking over to your bed.

“You know,” he started as he crouched down in front of you, “there was one thing I never quite understood. And that was how beautiful girls didn’t think they were already beautiful enough.”

You kneaded your fingers in nervousness, his voice clear enough for you to hear, but they didn’t seem to get through your head right away.

“I’ve known you since you were little, y/n. I know how you look when you’ve just woken up, I know how you look when you’re tired, I know how you look when you’re soaked with water… I know all of your faces. And if you don’t want to believe your family, then believe me that you don’t need any makeup to look pretty.”

Your heart jumped a little with each compliment he directed at you. It was the first time that a boy had told you that he found you pretty. And even though you knew Jaehyun only said it to you to appease and simultaneously encourage you, it was enough to force your sadness into a corner.

“But those idols and models in magazines, they also wear makeup and these clothes. Why shouldn’t I also be allowed to feel prettier?” You now had enough courage to look up at him, still reluctant to smile.

“Because…” Jaehyun touched your cheek in a reassuring manner, growing a smile. “You’re still too young to think that you can only go outside when you’re wearing makeup.”

“I won’t think that!”

“Really?” He raised a brow. “Once you start, you will get used to that new face of yours and won’t feel pretty or confident enough naturally. Of course, every woman can wear as much makeup as they want. But I don’t want a young girl like you to think she has to alternate the way she looks already. It feels so wrong.”

From your nightstand, he pulled out tissues from the box and then wiped over your mouth. His gentle gesture was a great contrast to the lightning zapping through your body whenever his fingers closed to your lips, even with the fabric in between.

You stared at him, frozen on the spot, and Jaehyun continued smiling. “If you cannot embrace yourself right now, how will it be later on?”

Letting his words sink in, you had to acknowledge their accuracy. “When can I try then? When I’m older?”

“Well...” He withdrew his hand, the tissue smeared with red color. “When you realize that you don’t need any of it. At all times.”

Not the answer you expected, but you were still content. You helped him wipe over your eyes, turning you into a human again instead of a panda.

“And Taeyong holds the same opinion, trust me,” Jaehyun added when he threw the tissues into the trash can. “He was only shocked to see his little sister so dressed up, like an adult. He just didn’t voice it very well. It’s like that when you have overprotective, big brothers, hm?”

When you followed Jaehyun downstairs, dressed in your usual clothes with no trace of makeup left anymore, Taeyong was already waiting by the stairs, his expression turning from an anxious to a relieved one when he saw you.

“‘’scuse me,” he murmured.

“Me too,” you murmured back to him.

And just like that, like it always was among siblings, the fight was never addressed again.

You rode with Taeyong and Jaehyun to your friend Seulgi, and the smile Jaehyun threw at you when you turned back and waved at them made up for everything that had happened in the past hour.

It was nearly bedtime for you later that night when you sat on the couch in the living room as Taeyong and Jaehyun walked through the entrance door together.

In your pink pajamas, with your hair sticking out to all sides, you probably wouldn’t make it into a fashion magazine. But after Jaehyun’s reassuring words, you weren’t worried about these things anymore as you met his approving gaze when the both of them flopped down to the left and right of yours.

“How was your match?” you asked them.

“I totally destroyed Jaehyun!” Taeyong called him out loudly. “Right?”

“Only by one point,” Jaehyun grumbled.

“In all games!”

You laughed along with them when you heard your mother call you from upstairs to go to bed. You then jumped off from the couch and ran to the stairs.

“Goodnight!”

“G’night.”

“Sleep well, princess.”

You were thirteen and Jaehyun the only boy you had eyes for.

____

When You Were 16

“Where are you going?” Taeyong asked you from the couch, shifting away from the TV and around to you.

You had entered the living room in search of your other high heel, but still didn’t succeed in finding it, and you were already running late. You had dressed yourself in a nice outfit that the shoes would only complete, because tonight was a special occasion.

“On a date,” you deadpanned at your brother, your eyes scanning your left and right.

“Who is it? The guy who’s two years your senior again?”

“Yeah. Can you pick me up from the cinema later?”

He nodded. “Sure. I’ll be there at 11. If you’re not there by then, he’s dead meat.”

You rolled your eyes, but still couldn’t bite down a grin. “Shouldn’t you be studying for your university exams? Isn’t that why you’re spending the time at home? Instead, you’re worried about some high school boy.”

“Trust me, I know how high school boys are, sis, I was one myself,” Taeyong spoke with a serious tone. “Especially the ones in their last year are the worst.”

“Ugh, please, spare me from these stories!” You had seen girls entering and exiting your house more often than you wanted to remember when you had only been eleven. “Just pick me up at 11, okay?”

Taeyong laughed. “Alright, I’ll be there.”

Three hours later, you stood in front of the cinema, waiting for your brother with a sulky expression on your face, the rain mercilessly pouring down at you.

Only minutes later, a black car pulled up on the street in front of you, and you crossed the pavement from the cinema to the vehicle with your hands shielding your face from the rain as you opened the door and hopped inside.

“Thank for coming so qui-”

“Hey.”

The one sitting in the driver’s seat was not your brother though.

“Jaehyun?!”

“Surprise.”

You didn’t see him as often anymore after he had moved to Daejeon to study. Every now and then, he came to visit his grandfather or Taeyong though, and when they were in the mood, they stepped by at your house, but not as often as before and surely for not as long. You wished it would be different though.

Of course, you got it. They were university students now, not school boys anymore with other obligations and commitments in life while you were fully enjoying your teenage years. Jaehyun’s mind would be occupied with other things than visiting his best friend’s little sister.

Throughout the time, Jaehyun had only stayed that for you: a simple crush from your childhood that you admired from afar. And that hadn’t stopped you from meeting other people.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him, perplexed.

“My grandfather has been feeling unwell lately, so I’m staying with him for the week.”

That must have been a spontaneous decision due to an emergency you assumed, because the last time you had asked about Jaehyun, Taeyong hadn’t mentioned anything about it. Or he had simply forgotten due to the stress from university.

“I’m sorry about your grandfather,” you said. “I’m glad I got to see you at least, though.”

Throughout the veil of dripping leftover rain, a smile was visible on your face and Jaehyun audibly let out a rush of air as he started the car. “Taeyong sent me to pick you up as he quickly had to drop by his dorm and grab some books.”

“Ah okay, so he actually did start studying in the end.” You chuckled.

“I came back from the States only yesterday, so he and I haven’t been able to have a good chat yet. We’ll still be catching up though.”

“Have you visited your parents?” you asked him out of curiosity. “Is their company still doing well?”

“Yeah, kind of visiting and kind of learning from their success. I haven’t seen them for very long periods since studying at KAIST, so I took the opportunity to fly over there. And I have to get back when my grandfather is feeling better, ready to return to university for the final exams.”

“Sounds kind of exhausting, jetting between two countries and attending to your family’s duties. Are you alright?”

His eyes widened for a short moment, and you wondered whether you were the first person to ever ask this genuinely.

“I’m okay.” But feeling uncomfortable with the attention, Jaehyun then shifted it back to you. “What about you? How was your date?”

You replied to him, “One word: awful. I don’t think we’re going to continue dating.”

He furrowed. “But why?”

You were pondering whether you wanted to tell him or not as you were still reluctant to spill the entire story. But you knew how nagging Jaehyun could be, so you spared him the details and mainly delivered the necessary parts of the story which consisted of only,

“He can’t kiss, okay? At least I don’t think that’s how kissing is supposed to feel. And I don’t know whether it’s on me or him, but…” you breathed in deeply. “It’s just not working out. He’s the only boy I’ve ever kissed, so I don’t have a comparison, but whenever I think about kissing him, I just want to run away, because it feels so gross and wrong.”

You closed your eyes shut, not wanting to see his expression, but instead, you heard a very loud laughter.

“So funny, huh,” you asked ironically as you opened your eyes again.

“Oh to be a teenager again,” Jaehyun continued laughing.

You got very worked up over that topic. “What if that’s what kissing is like and I just don’t like it? Or what if I just… can’t kiss?”

The words were falling from your lips like an endless stream, and you only realized now that it was Jaehyun you were directing them at. You got so flustered, you wanted to jump out of the car right there and then.

“Well, y/n,” Jaehyun then began as you sank further into your seat as though it would suck you into a deep, black hole. Thank god you would be home in a few minutes. “I can assure you, kissing is indeed a blissful act, nothing that should gross you out or even feel wrong. And if it doesn’t work quite the way you want the first time around, you can only practice. But trust me, it’s an awesome way to express your feelings.”

“I wouldn’t know,” you conceded.

“Yet,” Jaehyun added. “Sometimes, two people just don’t match. That can happen, but don’t let this experience discourage you. One day, you’ll meet a guy, and everything will fall into place. Then, it will feel right. Then, you will think back about your date just now and laugh.”

“So… it’s okay if I tell him that we don’t make a good couple and end it? Over this topic only?”

“Of course. You definitely should if you feel this way. You don’t want to lead him on, right?”

“No, for sure not.”

As always, Jaehyun managed to encourage and cheer on you. It was just such a shame that he wasn’t around as often anymore.

“Hey Jaehyun…” He pulled up in front of your house. “I still have the crown that you gave me.”

Even in the semi-darkness of the car’s insides, you saw how his face brightened up. “Really? That plastic thing?”

“Exactly that.” As he brought his car to a stop, you unbuckled your seatbelt. “By the way… it’s sad that you’re not around as often anymore.”

“Yeah, I think so too. But I just have-”

“-so much to do,” you ended his sentence, the corner of your lips tilting down. “I know. Taeyong always says that as well when I ask about you.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widened. “You do?”

You chuckled and turned to the door, aiming for the handle. “Almost every time when he comes home for the weekend. I think he gets sick and tired of my questions already, but I can’t help myself. When you have free time next summer, let’s go to the seaside again, okay? Good night then, Jaehyun.”

You waited for him to say his usual goodbye line, but as it didn’t come, you wanted to turn around and check on him. Before you could do so though, he had already wrapped his fingers around your wrist and pulled you back into your seat.

Rendered silent, you didn’t know what was happening around you as Jaehyun’s face suddenly hovered over yours, his gaze casting a spell over you, and you couldn’t look away anymore. Your heart was jumping irregularly against your chest, and you feared that he might hear how loud it was as blood rushed to your ears at the same time.

One of his hands found its way onto your cheek and rested there for a moment, letting you relish the warmth as his face drew closer to yours. You had kissed someone only an hour prior, yet you didn’t feel any pang of conscience as you became aware of what this situation implied if you continued.

But you didn’t stop and closed your eyes instead.

For all the time that Jaehyun was gone, you had thought your feelings constantly vanished little by little until they had entirely vanished, brushing them off as a light crush. But the truth was that they had been kept in control on a lukewarm blaze only, ready to inflame again when you were conscious enough to accept their meaning.

And your feelings were very much set aflame when his lips brushed over yours before he leaned in further and captured them fully, deepening the kiss. Parting your mouth in a gentle manner, you let him pass through with his tongue, your fingers searching for support by gripping onto his shirt.

This wasn’t like kissing the guy from before. This felt sweet, endearing and simply… right.

Jaehyun had told you the truth about kissing. It was a heartfelt act that made it possible to convey feelings that couldn’t or didn’t want to be expressed in another way.

The kiss slowed down only after minutes when you were sure that you would run out of breath soon as you still didn’t know how to align your breathing rhythm with the motions. You hoped he hadn’t minded.

“Sleep well, princess,” was what Jaehyun then said after he had pulled away.

You then stood there, in front of your house, totally flabbergasted, the warmth of his lips against yours still present as you touched that exact spot, realizing something very important in your life now. With idle steps, you made your way into the house, trying to sort out your thoughts.

You didn’t want that senior from school. Or another guy. And the reason it hadn’t worked out with him or wouldn’t with anyone else was because your heart would never fully be with them.

It had always only been with Jaehyun.

When Taeyong entered the house an hour later, you hadn’t moved from your spot at the kitchen table where you had taken a seat, staring into space. Your brother was only a shadow in the background you barely perceived as you had a hard time coming to a conclusion with your thoughts.

“How was it, sis? Do I have to beat that guy up?” he asked you.

“No,” you answered absent-mindedly. “It was nice, but I’m still going to stop seeing him, though.”

“Well, okay. Sucks for him, I guess.” Taeyong shrugged. “Whatever makes you happy makes me happy as well. You’ll eventually find the right one, I’m sure about that. You’re still so young.”

With these words, he pulled you out of your thoughts, and you wanted to know further, “Do you mean it, Yongie? From sibling to sibling?”

“That you’ll eventually find the right one?”

“Whatever makes you happy makes me happy, I mean.”

“Of course.” He nodded at you encouragingly.

If this was the case, then he wouldn’t mind your feelings for Jaehyun. Why should he even? Jaehyun was his best friend. If there was someone he would surely approve of, then it would be Jaehyun, out of all people.

This. This was it.

You wanted to wait then.

For you to grow more mature and attain your majority. When you were ready, you wanted to pursue a relationship with him. You were just afraid that Jaehyun couldn’t wait for just as long. But you wanted to give it your best.

Your light crush on your brother’s best friend was long gone.

You were head over heels in love with him now.

____

When You Were 19

“Now, a picture with your brother!”

You got closer to Taeyong who then put an arm on your waist, holding one of your flower bouquets while you were being kept occupied with the other ones. Yet, you were still smiling and holding up a peace-sign into your parents’ camera.

“I’m so proud of you, sis!” He hugged you for the nth time that morning.

“Ah, come on, Yongie! You just had your graduation ceremony as well, don’t discredit your own success!”

“Only because I enlisted in the meantime, so it’s nothing special in comparison to you graduating from high school. And then, you’re going to study at Ewha!”

Ewha Womans University. You had been dreaming of getting in ever since you were very young, having worked hard throughout the past years to pass the entrance exams. At last, academically, everything had worked out for you.

“Congratulations from me as well.”

That voice… You turned around just to meet a face you hadn’t seen in more than two years.

“Jaehyun…”

The moment you spotted him, your heart started to pound faster and hotness shot into your cheeks.

“I invited him, sis!” your brother clarified. “He was in town and couldn’t miss your graduation, right?”

Jaehyun’s grandfather had died before he decided to enlist right after graduating from university. You hadn’t known that he was back in town, but now he stood here in front of you again, having changed so much and not at all at the same time.

He had matured outwardly in the years you hadn’t seen each other.

When people grew up side by side, such a process naturally passed by them, but since you had been apart with no contact, he seemed like an entirely new person to you now, not the boy in his early twenties you had last seen.

He was a 25-year-old young man now, but still the very same person you were in love with.

As for you, you had grown up as well. You had not only mastered the art of makeup, but gotten your driver’s license and would soon move out to start living in a dorm when university started. Yes, you had also dated in the meantime, but none of the guys came close to the one you had been waiting for.

Jaehyun hugged you tightly, and you were sure that he must have felt your heavy heartbeat against his chest when he pressed you close to his firm physique.

“Ah, give me the flowers,” Taeyong then offered to you. “She can’t carry more. Here, hold Jaehyun’s instead. Wait here, I’ll bring them to the car. Where are our parents again? Man…”

Your brother disappeared the next moment, leaving you two all by yourself. The surroundings radiated a hectic atmosphere with all the students and family members running up and down, taking photos and talking, yet to you, it felt like you and Jaehyun were in your own world.

“What brings you to Seoul?” you asked him with a smile. “Not my graduation only, I assume.”

“That too, though.”

You raised a brow. “What else?”

Jaehyun’s parents were running a successful company in the States, but Jaehyun himself had never really been involved in it. They had rarely come to visit here, he had only stayed with his grandfather in Korea.

“A goodbye.”

He had only stayed in Korea for his grandfather…

“A… goodbye?”

But his grandfather was now dead.

“I’ve graduated from a prestigious university, my enlistment period is over, I have no one to take care of here anymore… it’s time for me to move on and follow in my parents’ footsteps like they wanted. My time in Korea is up now.”

You bit into your bottom lip, shaking your head, still desillusional to the truth. “But this is Korea, Jaehyun. You have always been here. Why would you go to the States?”

“Because this is why I’ve come here in the first place. First, my grandfather had to take care of me when I was only a child so that I could graduate from school. Then, I had to take care of him while working towards my graduation from a university. Now that I’ve achieved everything my parents had wanted me to, I can follow them to the States.”

“But… that doesn’t make any sense. You belong here, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun was struggling with non-emotional explanations too, you saw it. “I feel so too. I haven’t felt so at home at any other place. Only at your house. You were my family when I had barely one.”

“Then why do you go away? Stay here, simple as that.” You just couldn’t wrap your head around it.

“Sometimes, it’s not that simple.” He tilted his head as though he was pondering whether to say something he was still holding back or not. “Actually, I was supposed to leave after high school to study in the States already. But since I’ve gotten into KAIST, they let me stay. You know why I desperately wanted to stay here and applied to that university?”

You shook your head.

“Because I didn’t want to leave you behind.”

With your mouth agape, you didn’t know what to respond to him as simultaneously, you felt your heart sink. There was nothing to be happy about, so you calmed down your excitement over his confession. This scene wouldn’t close with a happy end.

“You were only six when we got introduced to each other. I’ve seen you grow throughout the years, yet for me, you’ve always stayed that six year old girl who came running towards her older brother and stopped in her tracks, because she spotted an unfamiliar person. I wanted to protect that little girl forever.”

His flower bouquet was rustling in your hands. That sound seemed very near, but Jaehyun’s voice was miles away. Was it because you didn’t want to listen to his continuing words?

“You’re scared of the dark, you stumble very often, you nearly cry when you get startled, you can’t watch horror movies and you still eat watermelon like a little child. How could I leave this innocent, precious girl behind?”

“Is this how you see me?” you asked through pressed lips. “As a little girl? Because I’m not one anymore.”

“Of course you’re not a little girl anymore. But you’ll always stay your brother’s little sister for me.”

Jaehyun disappeared behind strands of your hair that the breeze had gotten loose from your bun, and your gaze now dropped to the flowers in your hands.

Of course. In your high school uniform, you couldn’t possibly be the right match for someone who had already graduated from university and would now move to the other side of the world to co-lead a company.

Years of waiting went down the drain just like that.

“Back then… have I also only been Taeyong's little sister to you?”

You didn’t even need to give further hints. He knew exactly what you meant. In his eyes, you saw how much he struggled with himself right now. No, you weren’t wrong. Back then, he had expressed his feelings for you as well. You hadn’t been the only one.

You weren’t just his best friend’s little sister.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into my mind back then,” Jaehyun tried to backpedal. “I shouldn’t have done that. I mean… A sixteen year old girl?”

“What about it?” you pressed the topic. “It would have been controversial when I was thirteen and you were nineteen. It would have been controversial when I was fifteen and you were twenty-one. But now? Nobody cares whether it’s nineteen and twenty-five or twenty-two and twenty-eight. Thirty and thirty-six? Nobody cares two hoots about it! I’m a grown up, young woman now. Please view me as one as well!”

As he didn’t answer, you felt tears burning around the rims of your eyes. Jaehyun lifted his hand to comfort you, but retracted it at the last moment.

“You can’t, right?” was your conclusion. “Even if you wanted to, you can’t. I will always be your best friend’s little sister in your eyes, right? The one who came running at you in her princess gown which you completed with a plastic crown, who fell down the stairs and had to be accompanied by you back to her room. The little girl who sulked at the beach and only got happier when you gifted her a popsicle, who you helped clean off her first makeup attempt. Who you… made so happy, showing what it was like to be kissed in a heartfelt way.”

“Y/n, I…”

“I get it, Jaehyun. You don’t have to vindicate yourself.” Your lips formed a thin line, almost hurting, and you tried to stay strong, swallowing down all the tears. “For me, you’re my big brother’s best friend who I had a crush on when I was only a little child. But you are also the person I fell in love with when I was a teenager and who I want to be with now that I’m all grown up. But you cannot seem to move on from the stigma I have in your eyes. And as long as you cannot do this, I’ll always stay your best friend’s little sister.”

The day you graduated from high school was also the day you got your heart broken.

“I wish you all the best for your new life in the States.”

Yet, as you walked away from Jaehyun, you held your head up high, proudly crossing the schoolyard, greeting and bidding farewell to everyone who addressed you. You couldn’t even remember their faces anymore as only one was on your mind.

Taeyong and your parents were waiting by the car when you arrived, and you pretended that everything was fine when they asked where Jaehyun was.

“He didn’t want to come with us,” you lied.

You had asked him to stay away, and he obeyed.

Taeyong’s gaze rested on you the entire way home while yours was absent-mindedly directed at the side window. Your heart was bleeding, but you kept it together from the outside.

But a sibling’s eyes were able to see more than others’ eyes.

“Sis,” your brother then began, “there is something I need to tell you.”

____

When You Were 21

You watched your sister-in-law in her white gown where she was sitting at the table, beaming at your older brother. The DJ was playing a romantic and well-known song in the background while the MC aimed for the center of the improvised dance floor to incite the guests to dance.

A mild, salty breeze was blowing through the festive tent under which you were sitting, your bare feet buried in the sand under your table. Your fingers closed around the champagne glass in front of you, and you led it to your mouth, downing it all at once.

“Enjoying the reception?” Taeyong was by your side the next moment, taking the seat next to you.

“Yeah, absolutely,” you assured him honestly.

You hadn’t been to your grandparents’ house these past years, but now, you had all gathered here in this small town again to celebrate your big brother’s wedding. Your entire family from all across the country had arrived along with Taeyong’s friends from all the different phases in his life so far.

“Even though Jaehyun is here?”

You cringed at his words, your eyes, that had tried to avoid that specific direction, rolling to the exact person that had just been mentioned. He was sitting at the table across the hall from you, chatting with his friends from school. Then, your eyes returned to your brother’s now wife.

“If she hurts you, I’m going to hurt her as well.”

“Sis…”

“I can understand now even better why you didn’t want him to hurt me, Yongie.” You tilted your head to the side, smiling at Taeyong from that angle. “He had to leave sooner or later to go live somewhere else and thus breaking my heart.”

“He didn’t want to date anyone while he was here, and trust me, almost every girl at our school tried to shoot her shot.”

You snickered. “I know.”

“When I told him that he would never be allowed to hurt my sister, he took it very seriously. I’m sorry that I haven’t seen it coming that he hurt you by doing exactly that.”

“Yongie.” You paused. “We’ve talked about that topic so many times already. And I can tell again: stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t tell him to raise my hopes up and then dump me. You only told him to spare me from any kind of pain. That he hurt me eventually is only his fault.”

“I wish that I would have been able to spare you from this pain as well as your older sibling.”

You shrugged. “That’s part of growing up, huh? Even you can’t spare me from falling in love with someone and experiencing heartbreak. The heartbreaks after that weren’t that severe.”

“So it’s truly over between you and that guy?” your brother asked. “Is that why you’ve come without a plus one?”

“Yeah. When he scheduled a viewing with the realtor for us to move in together next year, I figured that wasn’t what I wanted.”

“What is it that you want then, sis?”

Your eyes looked over to Taeyong’s bride, then shifted back to him. “Exactly what you have.”

You halted the conversation and sat by side in silence for a while, watching the MC and other guests playing games.

“Jaehyun is staying in Korea now,” Taeyong pulled you out of your thoughts again. “His parents will open a branch here and he’s going to lead it.”

You didn’t know what to say. At first, you didn’t feel anything. Then, you felt everything at once. Anger, sadness, despair, but also happiness and excitement. You were in such an intense emotional turmoil, your brother’s statement having suddenly shaken your entire world in which you had settled with the thought of not having Jaehyun even on the same continent as you.

“Excuse me, Yongie.” You arose from your seat, suddenly getting suffocated by the heavy atmosphere, even though you were partially outside at a beach. “I need some fresh air.”

And you straight up walked out of the tent.

Five minutes later, you were standing by the shore, having your eyes closed and listening to the background noise of the reception that took place behind you. The water touched your toes with every next wave, forming a great contrast to that stifling feeling from earlier. The sound of music and faded conversations that came from the location behind you blended in well with the sound of the ocean by night with no one around but you.

Your ears then eavesdropped footsteps approaching in your direction though, disrupting the peaceful quietness, but you didn’t turn around to make out the person. You already knew who it was. And this time, you were ready to breathe again.

“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” you asked Jaehyun, opening your eyes. “Three years ago, when we last saw each other… why didn’t you tell me that you’ve promised my brother to never hurt me and thus rejected me?”

“Because, at that point, I already did,” he responded to you, the sand giving in under his bare feet. “I saw in your eyes how much pain I made you feel after getting your hopes up with that kiss and then not being able to act on my true feelings because of my obligations. I have only promised him one thing. And even that, I haven’t been able to keep. The person he trusted the most eventually hurt the person he loved the most. It’s been haunting me ever since, because if I hadn’t kissed you, things might have played out differently.”

“I would have understood,” you asserted as he suddenly stood next to you, facing the ocean as well. “That your stay in this country was only temporary, and that Taeyong only didn’t want you to develop feelings and act on them, because you’d eventually have to leave.”

“Even if, would that have stopped you from developing feelings for me after what happened between us? I was supposed to be the mature one. Yet, in the end, it was me acting like a child, led by feelings.”

You tilted your head to the side. “In the end, it was never about me being your best friend’s little sister, but sparing me from a heartache, am I right?”

“Your brother said that no one should ever hurt you. Not even me.”

You stretched yourself, raising your arms in the air. “We would have made it work somehow.”

“I know how much you love your family and this country. Ever since you were a little child, you never wanted to go anywhere else. I couldn’t be the one partially forcing you to live in another country.”

“And now?” you asked, inhaling deeply.

“I’m back now. And I’m going to stay as my parents opened their asian branch here and want me to lead it.”

You ignored your faster heart rate. “I’m another person now, Jaehyun.”

“I’ve embraced every person you have evolved yourself into ever since we’ve known each other. And I gradually fell in love with every single one of them. When you were a child, I wanted to protect you from everything evil. When you turned into a teenager, I suppressed every slight urge to kiss you on the spot. When you have become that beautiful young woman, I had to withhold myself to confess my undying love for you. I switched from wanting to be your protector to wanting to be your lover as well.”

You blinked away your tears. “For… so long already?” you whispered. “You’ve been having feelings for me for so long?”

“I haven’t seen you as my best friend’s little sister for many years already.” His voice was soft, tempting.

You swallowed, hard. “I didn’t sit around, waiting for you, Jaehyun. I’ve built my own life, I’m independent now.”

“Of course,” he agreed, seemingly more to himself. “I wasn’t expecting that. I just thought that… you might still be interested in pursuing a relationship with me on the off chance. But if you don’t feel this way anymore, then I can understand.”

Jaehyun waited around for a few more moments, but without hearing you utter another word, he assumed the answer was clear, so he intended to head back. With the sand scrunching under his feet, he slowly walked away from you.

It didn’t take you much longer to turn around to him and reveal, “I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend next year after university.” He didn’t stop distancing himself from you yet though. “But I broke up with him right before I got here.”

Then, Jaehyun finally came to a halt, and you approached him slowly from behind. “You did?”

“But not because of you, Jaehyun,” you made clear to him. “I deeply loved him, I truly did. And I was only able to come that far, because I’ve gotten over you. I’ve moved on from you. But in the end, he wasn’t what I exactly wanted.”

“And what is it that you now want?”

Still facing his back, you answered confidently, “A life independent from someone else. Even from my brother. I’ve grown up with you both constantly by my side. Only throughout the past years, I’m slowly learning who I truly am, and I’m still in the process of doing so. My life’s been great, and I would love to continue living like this.”

You saw him bobbing his head. “I understand.”

“...with you by my side.”

Jaehyun faltered. “W… what?”

“If we had gotten together back then, I would have spent my youth shaping my future around you. But like this, I was able to live the life I really wanted to find out who I am and what I wanted. And even though I truly wanted to be with someone else… I know that a little six-year-old girl would be hella at me if I don’t pursue what she had always wanted. Because the truth is, Jaehyun, in every childhood, there’s someone we can’t forget. I always told myself to never wait around that long though.” You wiped away a tear from your cheek. “But you came back.”

“But I came back,” he repeated and slowly turned around to you. “And this time, I intend to stay.”

“For how long?” you asked, drying your cheeks with the back of your hands.

“I hope…” He paused, enclosing your face with his warm palms, “This time, I can stay forever.”

____

You overlooked the scenery that unfolded in front of your sight. From the tent at the beach, you still heard faint voices and music playing, yet you had decided to return to your grandparents’ house already after having talked to Jaehyun, now having gotten up in the middle of the night to still enjoy the silence of the sea before the whole world would wake up.

Not too long anymore, and the sun would start rising. You tied the blanket tighter around your naked body, your shoulders still exposed to the breeze that grazed along your skin, causing you goosebumps. Leaning over the balustrade, you closed your eyes and inhaled the salty air, a peaceful smile on your lips.

You shuddered when you suddenly felt a warm touch on that spot of your skin that seemed cold to you. A very welcoming contrast.

“Cannot sleep?” Jaehyun asked you as he pressed himself against you from behind, taking you in his arms and sharing his warmth.

You shook your head. “I’m still… so excited. Happy. How are you supposed to find sleep when there is just so much going on inside you?”

He rested his chin on your shoulder, tickling you. “I feel the same.”

“I remember… when I was ten, we spent a summer here together. And I found you with other girls while searching for you. That was when I first experienced jealousy. But then, you came back with a popsicle only for me.”

Jaehyun chuckled. “Unknowingly, you were the only girl in my life for a very long time. When it first crossed my mind that my feelings may exceed those of brotherly love, I found you standing in the rain after a failed date.”

“I was sixteen at that time, and after our first kiss, there hadn’t been anyone else except for you. I wanted to wait until I was ready for you.”

“I’m sorry that I have made you wait for so long.” He truly sounded regretful, but you knew already as you had spent the majority of the night talking about the past among… finally taking your relationship to another, physical level. “I must confess something though,” Jaehyun then broke it down to you. “When I was in the US, I was engaged.”

“Oh.” Your whole body froze up, but you weren’t surprised at all. He was attractive, intelligent and successful. Every woman would want someone like Jaehyun. “Why did you break it off?”

“Because... “ He placed another kiss on your naked body, this time on the side of your neck. “There was only one little girl I promised to marry. And she was living on the other side of the world.”

“Me?” you asked, confused. “You promised to marry me?”

“Silly. You totally forgot, hm? You were six and I was twelve when you asked for my hand in marriage. I was so shocked, I didn’t quite know what to respond! But from that moment on, I promised to you and myself that I would protect you forever.”

You counted yourself lucky for the fact that the night sky concealed the embarrassment showing on your cheeks. There were many fond memories you had been holding of Jaehyun, but you were also aware that many other ones were missing. For example your proposal.

“Look who’s getting all shy!”

“I was six, I probably didn’t know what that meant!”

“You knew very well.” Jaehyun grabbed you by your upper arms and moved you around to face him. Even now, under the dim moonlight, you still couldn’t believe that he was finally here. And yours. “The question is, y/n, whether you’re aware that you cannot take a proposal back.”

“Well…” You gulped before taking that step. “Are you aware that you cannot take your answer back as well?”

“Very well,” he agreed.

Bending down, Jaehyun placed his lips on yours for the nth time that night, and as your kiss deepened and his arms wrapped around your still covered waist, you knew that you probably wouldn’t get too much sleep anymore until it was time for the family brunch the next morning.

You felt his fingers crawling up between your thighs, parting the thin blanket around your legs. The cool breeze swirled strands of your hair up into the air as you rested your forehead on Jaehyun’s shoulder, his fingers working upwards until he reached your core that then started to throb against his palm.

“H...here?” you asked him between breaths and spread yourself further for him.

“Mhmm,” Jaehyun hummed, his hot breath hitting your earlobe as he turned his head to you. “No one can see us and the view is splendid.”

“So you’re that kind of a guy, hm?”

Having slept with Jaehyun for the first time earlier that night was kind of… awkward for not only you, but him as well. You had been friends for the majority of your childhood, so shaking off the sisterly admiration as well as crossing the inhibition level had turned out to be a big step to take that you both had underestimated.

There had been a lot of “uhm”s and “eeeh”s, a lot of surreptitious glances, and a lot of sexual advances that had failed and needed to be repeated, but also a lot of loving words to overcome these inhibitions and just let go. You weren’t a virgin anymore and he wasn't either, it was all just in your head.

The Jaehyun that still lived in your memories was the Jaehyun from your childhood and teenage years. The Jaehyun here with you now was the one you hadn’t seen nor interacted with for years, a grown up man who offered himself to be your romantic partner in life, not a sibling-like acquaintance anymore.

And once your mind had realized that as well, you found yourself under him, enjoying his stroking game that was just top notch.

You mewled quietly when he slowly but deliberately pushed two fingers into you, and your hands reached for the balustrade behind you for support. No, he definitely wasn’t someone you looked at like a sibling anymore. He had been able to prove to you that he was way more than that within the past hours only.

Your breaths came in hitches as Jaehyun worked with his fingers inside of you, pumping in and out at a rhythmic pace. With your legs shaking, you had a hard time continuing standing steadily, afraid your knees would give in at any moment.

The blanket that had kept your bare body hidden from the moonlight and warm from the cool sea breeze then slipped over your arms, passed by your waist, and finally dropped to your feet. Jaehyun himself was still only in his boxers, so it was an easy job for you to hook your fingers into the waistband and pull the underwear down so that he was exposed in front of you as well.

Supporting your elbows on the parapet, you arched your spine and threw your head back as Jaehyun started to rub his full palm over your folds, giving your clit just the right amount of friction with each stroke to swell against his hand.

He brushed with his lips over the side of your neck until he found the right spot and started to nibble on it. You moaned quietly as he stimulated you in two places simultaneously, and for the break of a second, as you suddenly realized that you were here on the balcony, exposed to the very wide world, you froze up. But then again, as his teeth buried themselves into your side, you forgot all of your worries and relished the act.

You bucked your hips against Jaehyun’s flat hand, close to your release already, when he let go of you and made you turn around to face him with your back. The untouched steel from the balustrade felt cold against your ribs as you let out a gasp after having Jaehyun smack your bum, the sound echoing throughout the calm night.

Your fingers wrapped tightly round the metal as you bent over backwards and had him spread your cheeks. With knuckles turning white and front teeth sinking into your bottom lip, you let him enter from behind with no problems as you were already so wet.

Jaehyun was pressed hard against your back as you shuffled to find the right posture for him. Shortly later, you had your arms finding support in a crossing position on the railing with your chin resting on them, your back forming a nearly straight line where it ended with your bum getting connected to Jaehyun.

His fingers submerged into the flesh around your thighs, and you had to bite down a scream when he plunged deep into you for the first time. Where your sight was directed at the nighttime scenery in front of you, you had it now dropped as you took every stroke of him with delight, protruding your bottom even higher as it felt more intense to you this way.

Slapping sounds mixed with your moans chimed throughout the night, possibly loud enough for your neighbors to not miss what was exactly going on on your balcony. You rigidly held your body against his, giving in with every slam that came down, but also bouncing back to position whenever he withdrew.

Only Jaehyun changed your position when he brought your bodies together to a more intimate standing position and held you against the balustrade, one of his hands rubbing against your clit, the other massaging your breasts while he was sucking on your neck at the same time all while still moving inside of you.

You had no idea how he was doing that, but thinking back, Jaehyun had always been good at multitasking, you remembered. And as you were standing there on the balcony, getting penetrated and stimulated on so many levels, emotionally and physically, you were sure you could faint right there on the spot.

But instead, you came all over him, inside and outside, silently and vocally. Your hand grabbed the back of his head, the other searching for the rail to have something that supported you in case you’d truly faint.

Jaehyun was holding you throughout all your small and big waves of highs, holding you closely when you shuddered and mewled in his arms, almost forgetting to enjoy his own release that followed right after yours, and you supported him just as much as he had supported you.

Shortly later, when you were all cleaned and cuddled up in the bed again, you confessed something to him.

“Actually,” you started, lying on your side and facing Jaehyun. “I still have the crown that you gave me.”

“No way!” he exclaimed and pulled the blanket over the both of you. “That old plastic thing?”

“As I said,” you continued, right before well earned sleep finally got the better of you, “it’s my biggest treasure.”

You still felt the softness of his lips on your forehead before passing out.

“Sleep well, princess.”

____

When You Were 6

“And then, he just called me ‘granny’! Only because of the bun my mom made me this morning!” you sobbed into your hands, sitting on the terrace. “Now, all the boys in my class call me like this and they won’t stop! I will never wear a bun to preschool again!”

You reached with one hand into your hair, fiddling with the elastic that held your strands together on the very top of your head. You had wanted to complain to your older brother, but he wasn’t home yet, and instead, you had found his new friend in your garden, opening up to him now.

“Leave it!” Jaehyun told you and seated himself next to you. “I find that bun suits you. It’s cute on a little girl like you.”

Through a teary vision, you made eye contact with him. “You… think so?”

Jaehyun nodded euphorically. “Don’t listen to boys your age. They can be very silly at times.”

You looked up to him with big eyes. “Jaehyun!”

“Hm?” He smiled.

“Later on, I don’t want to marry such guys!” you blurted out clearly. “I want to marry you! Because you’re not as mean as them. You’re kind.”

With slightly opened lips, he stiffened. But not for long though. His smile broke through a second later again, his features solemn and soft.

“Look!” Jaehyun arose, took you by your hand and helped you up. “Right now, you’re still a little girl. So grow up fast, okay? Then we can marry.”

“Okay!”

You pumped your fist in the air, sealing a deal that seemed so uncoerced and comfortable to you at that moment, of which impact you weren’t fully aware of yet though, and which you would forget in a few years from now on.

But Jaehyun…

… he had always remembered.

Although at the moment of the promise, Jaehyun hadn’t taken it seriously. He had thought that you were only speaking from the top of your head, aiming for a little girl’s fantasy who grew up with an overprotective older brother. He had hoped you’d dismiss it from your mind when time flew by.

And you actually did.

Whereas Jaehyun was the one who had never been able to forget.

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flamingi · 2 years

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go listen to 2015 song of the year deep house hit VIEW by SHINee and maybe you'll calm down a little bit

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flamingi · 2 years

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[17] apocalypse + ex!san + "he's playing with his food."

part 16 | masterlist | part 18

a/n: 4k words, warnings for descriptions of violence, injuries, and a lot of panic - similar to last chapter, we've come full circle since the end of part 1 :(

"we need to leave," wooyoung's voice reaches your ears, even as hongjoong's laugh starts to grow shrill, until it turns into the same kind of keening a rusty unused door hinge makes as the door is pushed open. until every hair at the back of your neck stands on end and you get the feeling that this creature - this hongjoong - is not the only thing lingering in the dark fog filling the sanctuary around you. the dim fairy lights that are always kept on at the shipment spot begin to sputter out, one bulb at a time, each bulb making a small pop sound as it dies. even the fire from the car they crashed through the gates has withered, leaving black smoke and ashes and the smell of burnt metal. with each dying lightbulb, you're plunged into more darkness, until the silver moonlight is all you have.

wooyoung reaches for mingi, and the image of wooyoung's smaller frame struggling to drag mingi's taller, looming frame away from hongjoong and seonghwa by the back of his shirt would have been amusing at any other time, but under these circumstances, your heart only races. mingi peers up at hongjoong with his mouth hanging open and tears in his eyes, the moonlight casting long shadows over his sharp features. wooyoung tugs once more, and mingi stumbles as he steps back. his head remains tilted upwards as he stares at hongjoong, and the sheer horror and sadness in mingi's expression is like a train wreck you cannot look away from. his stare is sad but reverent, like how you imagine the god-fearing must have looked at the sky when everything went to shit and god wasn't there to save anyone.

wooyoung's voice rings loud and clear, echoing, "now."

"what have you done?" the voice is familiar. when you look down, jihyo is kneeling beside what's left of johnny's head, her fingers curled over her face, black blood covering her hands. the other guard with the slit throat lays unseeing beside her, as if she dragged him over. jihyo isn't look at any of you. she stares up at hongjoong too, her big brown eyes filled with a terror that looks out of place on her. your heart twists a bit at the sight. she laments, "what have you done?"

she's talking to hongjoong. or maybe seonghwa. maybe even to the the things in the sky. wooyoung meets your gaze, his brows furrowing.

that other-worldly voice, the one that encompasses a million voices, answers, "whatever i want."

jihyo seems to just give up at that statement, dropping her chin to her chest, kneeling quietly beside johnny and the other guard, her fists balled in her lap. for once, you feel pity for them, for the guards who chose this, who have always turned their cheeks. they're humans who chose this to survive, but now jihyo is seeing firsthand that survival isn't guaranteed, not even for them. she doesn't move.

you turn to san, and he's staring at jihyo, at johnny, the guard. you reach out and press a hand to his. he tears his eyes off them, to you. he squeezes your hand back, but he does not smile.

seonghwa is still begging, and his voice is hoarse, quiet, while hongjoong continues laughing. seonghwa dangles from hongjoong's tentacle-like limb. it's like a cat playing with it's food. if you look closely, some of seonghwa's limbs are curved at strange angles. it takes too long for you to process that his limbs are angled that way because they're broken. bile rises at the back of your throat. you turn away. san squeezes your hand tighter, yet not even his warm touch gives you comfort in that moment. you never, in a million years, thought you'd pity seonghwa, yet here you are.

"fucking move." wooyoung shouts this time, and you finally tear your eyes from the sight. finally take in the fact that a chorus of clicks is filling your ears. you cannot pinpoint where the sounds are coming from, only that it's coming from the fog that's surrounded all of you in a circle. it's coming from every single direction, as if the night is filled with the noises, as if you are in a glass case on display for these creatures. when you look up, past hongjoong, past everything, the moon seems to be bigger, clouded by a darkness that reminds you of smoke. you can't see the flying things that have always been there, and that finally pulls you from your thoughts and your frozen shock. wooyoung is tugging at mingi, grabbing yeosang's hand, and the desperation on his face is something you've never thought him capable of.

you shout, your mouth running on autopilot as you tug at jongho's elbow, shaking him to pull him out of his shock as well. you frown at wooyoung, "where the hell are we supposed to go? do you hear that? we're surrounded. actually, why are you guys even here? what kind of stupid plan is this?"

hongjoong's voice drowns out the end of your sentence, reverberating all around you, so loud you feel the tenor of it shaking your bones, rattling your teeth, like your standing right next to a loudspeaker with the deep bass cranked all the way up. he intones, "you don't deserve the mercy of death, hwa. not yet."

the tentacle starts to tighten around seonghwa, and the choked sobbing that leaves seonghwa makes you want to throw up. seonghwa convulses. san's fingernails dig into the skin of your hand, and you try to steady your breath, despite the panic settling in your chest.

wooyoung swivels to face you, his fingers still curled around the back of mingi's shirt, even as he lets go of yeosang's hand. he is inches from you, his blood-splattered face and sweaty brow glistening under the bright, bright moonlight. his jaw ticks as he looks at you, but his grin is almost...welcoming, with everything else going on. it calms the tightness in your chest and the feeling that you are trapped, surrounded, and awaiting your death like lobsters in a seafood's restaurant's fish tank. wooyoung's breath comes quick, the only proof really that he freaking out just as much as you are, his chest rising and falling quickly, as he says, "as fun as it is to argue with you, do you really think now is the time to start an argument?"

you open your mouth to tell him to eat shit, but then the ground starts to shake, and you swallow your retort, grabbing wooyoung's forearm to steady yourself. san does the same, holding both your hand and wooyoung's shoulder. wooyoung closes his eyes, swallowing slowly. you look between him and san, "so what the hell is the exit plan? how the fuck do we get out of this?"

your voice is unsteady, even to your own ears.

"we run," a deep, unfamiliar voice curls over everything. you blink, your heart sinking when you watch the way wooyoung's head swivels to mingi. the way yeosang's eyes drop from seonghwa to look at mingi, too. the way san's head whips to mingi's direction too. it's mingi. his voice isn't what you expected. it's deep, yes, but there is a sadness there, in his hoarse, unused voice, that makes the world still. wooyoung lets go of mingi's shirt, pulling away from san and your grip. he rubs soothing circles along mingi's back like he is a small child.

mingi continues looking up at hongjoong, clearing his throat before he says, "he isn't attacking us yet because he's...he's..."

mingi trails off and yeosang finishes, "he's playing with his food. then we're next."

you figured as much, but the confirmation of your thoughts makes you want to curl into the fetal position right then and there.

mingi rubs at his wet cheeks, nodding as he claps a hand around wooyoung's waist a taps him gently before stepping away. you watch him square his shoulders, even as the cracking of bones and squelching of blood and flesh emphasizes yeosang's words.

seonghwa is a spectacle none of you can avert your eyes from. one of the tentacles have wrapped so tightly around seonghwa's arm that it's broken it further, blood trickling down his limp limb. dripping. seonghwa lets out a small, pathetic cry. another tentacle emerges from the dark shadows, lapping at the blood, and you really can't contain the gag at the sounds and smell this time.

san murmurs into the impending silence that falls over you all, "there are four gates in the sanctuary. the closest one is the one you guys crashed through, but there's three more directly north, west, and south from here. if you run, it'll take six minutes, eight minutes, and eleven minutes respectively. the shipment gate is that way."

he lets go of your hand to point towards where the shipments usually happen. it's not nearly as far as the other gates. your heart pounds at the thought of san spending time during his day calculating such accurate numbers without asking for help. you wonder, briefly, which one of his plans with his friends this was a part of. clearly, it was one you were excluded from.

you stare past your little circle, into the dark fog. you can barely see the warehouse door you'd walked out of. you're not sure if you could run through this for six minutes, let alone eleven minutes. especially when you don't know what's in there. especially when rule number two of this world was that whatever is in the black fog will kill you.

"we have more of a chance if we separate. half of us to the shipment gate and the other half to the north gate. seonghwa always keeps trucks ready at every gate but i don't...i don't think any of us will make an eleven minute run," san finishes. his gaze flickers around the circle. yeosang's expression twists. wooyoung takes a deep breath. mingi merely nods. jongho continues staring at the spectacle that is seonghwa and hongjoong.

"no," you shake your head, frowning, "all of us to the closest gate. separating in the fog is fucking stupid."

"and get us all killed at once?" yeosang snaps.

you watch him wince when the sound of seonghwa's femur snapping fills the air. seonghwa barely has the strength to scream in pain. hongjoong's joyful childish giggle follows quickly after.

"it's fair, don't you think?" your tone is dripping with sarcasm, and perhaps it's because your nerves are frazzled, or perhaps it's because you've wanted to punch yeosang since the moment you've seen him again, creatures and hongjoong be damned. either way, you continue, "instead of throwing just one unsuspecting person under the bus so you can save everyone else?"

"oh, come on." yeosang spits, spinning on you. he looks as frazzled, as terrified and annoyed and exhausted as you do.

you step up to him, "it's either all of us or none of us. no splitting up."

yeosang grits his teeth, stepping toe-to-toe with you only to shove you back, "if any of us die, it's on you."

"no," you shove him back, "this is all fucking on you."

yeosang looks like he wants to punch you. before he can, san steps between you, grabbing yeosang's shoulders as he says something so quiet, you can't hear it. it makes yeosang roll his eyes.

wooyoung scowls, "now is really not the fucking time. both of you stand the fuck down."

wooyoung is right, unfortunately. you glare at yeosang, even as you step back, shaking your head. san reaches for you, holding out a hand, but you don't take it. you're fuming and tired and so fucking scared, and maybe you're taking it out on the wrong things and people, but if you're really going to die now, you might as well get that punch in that you'd been wanting.

before anyone can say anything, however, you hear a click of the safety of a gun. you swivel in the direction of the sound, only to be met with the sight of jongho with a rifle in his hand, still fixated on seonghwa and hongjoong.

yeosang pushes past san, past you, quick to react as he says, "jongho, put it down."

jongho merely shakes his head, aiming the gun up. he doesn't have to say a word for you to understand the look he gives all of you.

run, it says.

jongho's hands are strangely steady, even as he aims the rifle, even as yeosang reaches for jongho, only to be a moment too late. even as jongho shoots. the rifle blast is defeaning, and your ears ring from blast. jongho falls backward at the recoil.

but, you notice the difference immediately.

all is quiet. too quiet.

seonghwa's begging is gone.

you look up. seonghwa lay limp in hongjoong's tentacle limbs. blood drips from his head to the dirt. jihyo sobs loudly from her spot next to johnny and the guard's dead bodies.

hongjoong's bloodcurdling scream fills you with dread. it is earth shattering. it makes the ground tremble.

run, run, run, every cell in your body screams.

so you run. you grab san's hand this time. yeosang drags jongho back, wrapping his arms around him as they tumble into the fog. you both follow after, and the last thing you see under the bright moonlight is hongjoong tilted upper half and his furious expression as he surges forward. towards you. towards all of you.

the moment you step into the fog, however, every noise is muffled and you can barely see your feet in front of you. your head feels like it's underwater, and san's hand is the only thing keeping you anchored. you focus entirely on putting one foot in front of the other as you run in the direction you think the shipment gate is.

the clicking noises is expected. what makes your heart race and your palms sweat, what makes you stumble over your feet as you run, are the footsteps and the very human, very chilling laughter inches behind you.

something wraps around your ankle. the fog is dissipating just a bit, enough for you to see shadows. the shadow of san. shadows of people behind you. holy shit. your ankle is yanked out from under you. pain shoots up and down your body as you fall flat on your face. you're already dizzy from blood loss, but the impact makes you see stars. san's hand slips from yours. for a moment, he disappears.

but then you're dragged down, grass and dirt scratching at your back as your shirt rides up. you blink rapidly, as the fog dissipates more, only to reveal -

you scream at the sight of jihyo staring down at you with eyes so black, there's no white left. she curls her hands around your neck. she doesn't say anything, but her eyes are blank with intent, and she reminds you distinctly of the way your mother looked at you as she tried to strangle you in your kitchen that first night. possessed. murderous. whatever it was, you try to kick her off. you fumble, but you manage to jam the flat of your palm to the underside of her chin, and she rolls off you. you scramble to your feet, shouting san's name. you only shadows of things, and you hear shouting. you hear yeosang screaming mingi's name. you hear wooyoung shouting for someone to run. you hear everything but san.

then you see shadows struggling in front of you. it's hard to make out who, but you find yourself running to tackle the one on top.

you don't know who this is, and maybe that's a good thing. you only felt sick when you had to hurt jihyo, despite everything. you punch the man in the face, and he keels over. you spin, and san is gasping for air on the floor. he blinks up at you. he merely takes your hand and pulls himself up as he says, "let's go."

you thought this was too easy. as you approach the gate, the fog is lighter. easier to see through, the bright moonlight above illuminating the truck beyond the date. it's running, the engine rumbling softly. you can make out yeosang and jongho holding up a limping wooyoung. mingi is holding the door open, though blood is pouring down his forehead, over his eye.

escaping can't be this easy, you thought, as you look at them. as san runs ahead of you, his hand still in yours.

but then the ground shakes once more. you turn. a tentacle shoots out from the light fog, and it's so fast, so rigidly sharp, it slices at skin as it wraps around your leg.

you yelp as you're slammed into the ground.

san pulls a knife from his boot, slicing at the tentacle. the impending scream that fills the air is so shrill, it hurts your ears.

you scramble back, getting to your feet, practically running backwards, and you see as many many figures emerge from the dissipating fog. human-like figures, as well as those spider-like creatures. like an army. there's so many.

you realize, then, that even if you get into this truck, even if you drive and drive and drive, they will follow. the creature that is hongjoong and chaeyoung clambers forward, and you wonder briefly what's happened to the other people of the sanctuary. the ones that are in the sleeping quarters, without aliens in their head. what has become of them? what will become of them?

"jongho," you call, though you know he can't respond verbally. you're still staring at the creatures, and all the guards that have aliens in their heads. they all seem to be watching, as if they're waiting for the signal to attack. chills run down your spine at the thought. "how many bombs did you plant?"

you look over your shoulder, and jongho waves his hand in a giant circle. around and around. he points at the sanctuary. you're almost glad you can't see his expression.

your fingers clamp around the detonator you'd taken from jongho and stuffed in your pockets. he'd said he spent years setting this up. if anything, this means he's put bombs everywhere. perhaps all along the perimeter of the sanctuary. maybe just the main buildings. maybe everywhere like landmines.

you turn your gaze on yeosang. he seems to understand the expression on your face, strangely enough. maybe it's because, despite everything, he understands you. he and you are alike. san had said as much. jongho, too. maybe it's because he loves san as much as you do. maybe it's something else. you glance at wooyoung, who is gripping the passenger door as he leans out the window. he shakes his head once, but you don't listen.

you finally look at san. you can see san processing your words. you say, "get in the car please."

you can see when it clicks.

san shakes his head. the devastation there comes like a wave crashing onto the shore, slowly and then all at once. anger and devastation is not a combination you'd wish on even your mortal enemy. not when you have to watch san crumble like this. "no," he says, "no, y/n. i promised - i'm not - fuck, y/n, please, no -"

he barely makes a step towards you before yeosang wraps his arms around san's waist and drags him back towards the car. san thrashes in yeosang's arms, screaming obscenities at him, and he elbows yeosang in the face so hard, yeosang drops him. that brings you a moment of satisfaction at least. but then mingi takes yeosang's position. he's taller, stronger, and it's too easy for mingi to drag san back to the car. yeosang cups san's cheeks as mingi scoots into the backseat, murmuring to him. san just shakes his head over and over and over. he cries your name, and his broken voice burrows itself in your heart. you hesitate when you pull the detonator from your pocket.

but only for a moment.

it isn't fair.

you click the button, and the engine of the truck roars to life, and it is truly the quiet before a storm right then.

it isn't fair.

you'd wanted to get at least one punch on yeosang. you hadn't wanted anymore blood on your hands. not after your mother. you think of the sleeping quarters. of all those people who didn't have aliens in their heads and still turned their cheeks to seonghwa and hongjoong. they looked away while you suffered under hongjoong's wrath. sure, they were complacent, but did they deserve to die? a part of you wants to say yes, but there are children here. survivors. you hear the first boom. another. more. screaming. screeching. hongjoong shouting. you back up, even as a tentacle shoots in your direction, smacks you across the face. you see stars then, and your vision goes black, and your head spins, and you crumble where you stand. the world spins. you didn't choose to be here, and you didn't want any of this, yet, in the end, you've chosen to click the detonator on jongho's behalf.

in the end, you chose to save other people over yourself.

in the end, you've chosen to burn this place to the ground, and yourself with it.

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flamingi · 2 years

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[chapter 12: the one where she changes her mind]

summary: in which, izuku midoriya, class 2A’s resident sweetheart, agrees to help you catch the eye of your crush, the infamously stoic, shoto todoroki. it should be easy enough, right? izuku is todoroki’s best friend and feelings aren’t that hard to catch. that might just be the problem.

masterlist | previous | next

[taglist: open] @cozy-dolly @apple9i3 @escadolle @moonshineandclearskies @awizuku @local-space-quexn @rainypeachbakerygoth @moonlightbaby10 @dreamland03 @hiqhkey @kisakitwister @flamingi @tansyfleurwhisper @h0n3ysgh0st @keigopika @hazelnutdreaming @whatamidoing89

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FUN FACT: when sero found out about midoriya’s feelings, he agreed to keep the secret as long as he agreed to tell y/n how he felt eventually. midoriya has no intentions of telling y/n a thing!

FUN FACT #2: MY COMMENT SECTION IS GOING TO BE FLOODED WITH EVERYONE TELLING ME THEY FEEL BAD FOR TODOROKI! IM NOT A MONSTER!!! IM CRYING TOO!!!

—————————————

[taglist contd.] @adoringizu @charmingizu @killerqueen84x @imjustasimpxd @mehhhhhd @l0svers @charliepoopyfart @cocoa-bitter @itgetzweird08 @todomaniac @drugs-for-memes @3mcmarvelisruthless @mrsgrantspector @pastel-prynce @leathernourishingshoepolish @bruh-tato-chip @izukuisbaby @motzgurke @randombabywitch @xiaos-wife @deanstolemydragon @naladarkclouds @madebytinypals @beingbrokenfitsus @simplysaiyan @yes-imma-simppppppp @deitysnips @deeplightgarden @thesheepwithclaws

comment or ask to be added!

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flamingi · 2 years

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Cache

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

masterlist

introduction - group chats

wooyoung × reader, ??? × reader

in a school filled with the affluent, it would only make sense for birds of a feather to flock. but what if your new status doesn't immediately buy you a way into said flock? what if instead, it bought you sure rejection? to the rich and powerful, having different masks is a must. despite some people knowing your true self and your secrets

(y/n) × ateez | (y/n)'s pov

ateez | wooyoung's pov

txt | yeonjun's pov

(y/n) × kyle | (y/n)'s pov

taglist :

@paralumanniluna @rdiamond2727 @miaatiny @baguette-atiny @kpopnightingale @dear-dreamie @potaeto-writes-on-wp @kwanisms @qghosty @charreddonuts @noonaishere @bbymatz @maddiebabyxoxo @kawennote09 @woo-stars @treasure-1117 @starjoongie1117 @cutie-wooyo @linhyyboo12 @glitterhongjoong

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flamingi · 2 years

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[15] apocalypse + ex!san + "look closely. no one ever really dies here. this is the sanctuary, after all."

part 14 | masterlist | part 16

a/n: 3.4k - technically the second part of the last chapter, i just wanted to split them up! the next update will take a bit longer, but i hope yall like this. warnings for feelings of helplessness, mentions of death, violence, some really bloody situations/wounds, and bloodloss

you awake to quiet. the drunken laughter, the traffic, it's nothing but in the past. everything is too fucking quiet.

but you've woken up.

you're awake.

and when you sit up, you're no longer strapped to the metal table. seonghwa is leaning against the counter, and grins at you when you sit up. you look around. jongho is still standing where he was, head down. hongjoong is nowhere to be seen. san stands at the head of the table.

seonghwa says, "welcome to my guard."

you start to move, despite the fact that you don't want to. you're not controlling your body, you realize, as if you are an outsider looking in. your head tilts into a bow. seonghwa grins. you don't feel a glare on your face. holy shit.

holy -

shut up.

the voice in your head is loud, just like that previous voice, and everything in you says to lie down and do as you're told. but, you were never one to do such a thing.

this is my body now you stupid -

you see a scalpel on the table, as your body gets up. maybe it should have been harder to move, to take back your body, but this body was yours to begin with. it was stolen from you by those horrid things in the sky, the same things that took the world you once knew and flipped it inside out, that made you take your mother's life, that turned the world into a quiet, empty place you thought you'd shrivel away in. so many things were stolen from you. the loudness of the world, your life as you knew it, your home, everything, and you'll be damned if you let them steal your body and free will too.

maybe it's the anger, maybe it's the need to free yourself, and san, and whoever the hell else was taken by these things, but you reach for the scalpel, and it works.

your hands move.

there's screaming in your head, so loud it makes your ears ring, but you don't listen, you just move.

you grab the scalpel, turning it on the back of your head, where the pressures lives at its fullest. the one thing about some strange alien parasite crawling into your head and stealing your consciousness was that you knew exactly where it stood. and maybe this is stupid as hell - and you know it because Before you used to study medicine, you'd taken paramedics classes right up until the world ended - but you find the back of your hairline, fingers pressing to the pressurized spot. it's squishy, like a pocket full of liquid has formed there, and you resist the urge to gag before you hold your breath and stab at it blindly with the scalpel. seonghwa eyes are wide, full of surprise.

the scream in your head is painful in its intensity, but nothing compared to the feeling of the scalpel piercing skin, or the way warm liquid drips down your neck, down your back. nothing is worse than the blinding pain that shoots through your body, the tears springing to your eyes as your head spins. you stumble off the metal table, grasping blindly at air to catch yourself.

you instead find purchase on san's arm. you look up at him through wet lashes for a split moment, just long enough to take in his face. the bruising on his skin, and the sharp angles to his features. there is darkness in his eyes. he stares at you in shock.

that is your only chance really.

you take the scalpel, and you grab san's hair, you search frantically, and it's in the same spot. maybe it's a coincidence. maybe it's a pattern.

but it's in the same spot and your Before brain shouts that this is unsanitary and if you get out of this alive, you both will be left with an infection that'll kill you instead, but you flip it in your fingers and you jam it into the bulbous bump at the back of his head. san scream. san screams, and you catch a glimpse of the san you knew. the san you've known. your fingers curl around the sides of his head, as gently as you can so you don't hurt him more than you have.

san chokes out, gasps really, "jesus fucking christ, y/n. a warning would be nice."

before you can do anything, san crumbles to his knees, and someone grabs you by the hair, dragging you back once more. the pain has you crying out, but you keep your eyes on san, on his warm brown eyes.

you croak out, "get out."

san blinks. you look away.

the wound at the back of your neck is searing, but that doesn't prepare you for the pain of being tossed into the food boxes, your vision spotting as you try to stay on your feet and fail. you groan, blinking up at seonghwa, vision blurry. you feel so delirious, possibly from blood loss but mostly from the fact that when you look past seonghwa you see san actually leaving.

you see him duck behind the table, clutching his head, watch as he crouches and sprints to the boxes, all behind seonghwa's back, undetected.

and maybe, even in this delirious, painful state, despite telling him to leave, despite the fact that you thought about saving him after everything, you thought he'd stay to help you. you thought san wouldn't take the first opportunity to run. but every time you tell him to leave, to get out, to let go, he does. he fucking does. maybe you shouldn't expect him to read your mind.

but, he's left you alone.

alone with seonghwa's wrath, alone in your last moments with no one by your side. alone.

and you think maybe you deserve this for putting other people first in a world where no one else has done the same.

you're going to die, and you're going to die alone.

it's fitting, you think, when you've spent so long in this new world living as a ghost. now you will die a lonely ghost.

seonghwa looms over you, shadowed like the grim reaper, gritting his teeth, his hands covered in a darkness that reminds you of ink-stains. you look down at your hands, and you have the same thing. blood, you figure. the blood of whatever the hell was in your head and in san's. in seonghwa's too.

"jongho! joong!" seonghwa is calling, glaring down at you before he crouches and his fingers wrap around your throat. he says, "i have to do everything around here, don't i?"

a giggle escapes your mouth, choked and gasping, but a giggle nonetheless.

seonghwa's grip around your neck loosens, tilting his head as he peers at you. he asks, "do you think this is funny?"

you mumble, "a little bit. i didn't think it would be so easy. i was expecting something a bit more like the alien movies, honestly. something creepier. in hindsight, your aliens are pretty lame."

you're surprised you can string together full sentences, let alone words that make sense. your words strike a nerve in seonghwa, despite his silence, because he grabs your elbow and yanks you to your feet. you stumble, but he drags you along anyway, kicking away food and boxes to clear his path. he's headed to the other room. to the pit, you realize, your heart racing against your ribs.

you gasp, "is this how you killed chaeyoung?"

you're slammed hard against the wall next to the doors. so hard you see stars from the impact against your wound, and you're glad seonghwa is holding up because you're sure you would have collapsed. his fingers grip your shoulders so tight, you wonder if he could tear through skin.

his face is inches from yours, and his eyes are not so black, nor so dilated. the polite tone disappears once more, as he spits, "i did not kill chaeyoung."

seonghwa has one inside him too, you realize. oh.

oh.

"maybe you didn't," you mumble, unsure what's possessed you to provoke seonghwa when you're barely able to fight back, "but the alien inside you must have. i don't see the difference, though, between the alien and yourself. do you?" you raise a brow at him, "did chaeyoung?"

the sound of his teeth grinding together echoes throughout the warehouse. the lavender lighting makes him look gaunt, like a ghost himself, and there is a sort of beauty to it, you think even in your dazed state.

however, in that moment, you swear seonghwa will strangle you with his bare hands. the murderous expression in his eyes surprises you. he's always looked at you with such little emotion, aside from pure curiosity or amusement, even as he hurt you. the emotion in his eyes is so raw and so startlingly human.

then he slams the doors open and pull you into the room with the railings. with the pit.

as he drags you into the room, you try to struggle, but it's pointless when you're weak from blood loss and injury. seonghwa holds your hands behind your back and walks you into the railing. he's too close, and the hairs at the back of your neck stands on end at the proximity.

he slams you against the railing, so your upper half dangles over the edge and only his grip on you keeps you from toppling over. the blood rushes to your ears, sweat dripping from your chin, your nose, hair tickling your ear, as you stare at the pit of dark creatures, of spider-like monsters with jagged teeth and long, rigid, shards for legs, as you meet the dark, bottomless eyes of one of them, and they do not look away. you wonder, briefly, if it's the same one from before. the familiar one. the stench of burnt hair and rotting flesh is overwhelming, stinging your nose and eyes.

seonghwa leans in until he is flush against you, and you hate the clear show of power, of how powerless you are dangling here at his whim. he speaking over you the way a priest would bless the living and pray for the dead.

"you asked me who i was in the tragedy of antigone, didn't you?"

his voice is no longer polite. it is charged. emotional. it is seonghwa, you think. not the polite, curious creature pretending to be seonghwa. it is seonghwa, one of the four founders of the sanctuary. the person who allowed the sanctuary to escalate into a place like this, with pits of monsters and guards with aliens in their heads. the person who is sacrificing people to keep these creatures satiated so that his sanctuary can remain a utopia kept tight under lock and key and guns. your eyes flicker over the pit, watching as the creatures start to gather beneath you. their beady, dark eyes settle on you in a way that has shivers running down your spine. the clicking sounds nearly drown out the sound of your heart pounding in your chest. one set of eyes in particular maintains contact, and it is the same eyes that felt so...familiar earlier. the same eyes that fixated on you. that jongho pulled you away from.

"you were right and wrong. i am polynices, and i am creon," seonghwa murmurs. he is the brother and the king who ordered he not be buried properly? how is that possible?

you frown, "what the hell are you talking about?"

"chaeyoung was against all this." he shakes you and you swallow down the panic. seonghwa continues, "i tried to get her to see my way, but she wouldn't, so put one of the kinder ones in her when she was asleep. she needed to experience it herself. then she'd change her mind. but she...she was an idiot. i'm surprised she had the will to do what you did. most people don't." seonghwa murmurs, and his voice is right in your ear as he leans heavily against you, his grip tight. one little push and you'll tumble into the pit. you still beneath his touch, your breathing ragged. "but she failed. she missed."

everything is too quiet. and clicking gets louder in the silence.

"she wasn't supposed to die that way," seonghwa murmurs, his voice breathy, quiet, right next to your ear. "so i made sure she didn't die. i did not kill her. i saved her." he shouts that, and you flinch, even as he continues, "i am creon, too, but unlike him i wasn't too late. in my story, antigone was spared."

seonghwa lets out a small choked sob, that morphs quickly into a laugh, into an inhumanly polite tone. into the other seonghwa, you realize with horror. the grip on your head tightens, "now look closely, y/n. no one ever really dies here. this is the sanctuary, after all."

you look down, and a small creature crawls into the cool light. it's smaller than the other one staring at you, and it's eyes are just as dark. but there is an awareness to them you find curling around your heart. if you look closely, the rough skin of the creatures aren't actually all black. lavender glints off the black, and there's a hint of brown to this one. the color is similar to hongjoong's hair.

you don't know what to say. you can't speak.

your fingers curl into fists as you stare at the creature, with beady lopsided eyes and jagged teeth and a curious look in its eyes, no, her eyes. chaeyoung's eyes.

"look," seonghwa shoves you forward, until you're hanging off the edge of the railing by just his grip and you're flailing, "closer."

you tear your eyes from her, and your gaze returns to the familiar eyes, the one with the slithering limbs inching towards you as you look, up the wall and towards the railing, a streak of reddish-brown left in its wake. the familiarity itches at your brain, but you're still reeling from the thought of chaeyoung.

seonghwa sighs, "honestly, i'm not sure what happens to us when we take over you pathetic humans. it's interesting, i think, what humans will do for love and how it affects everything. i promised her i wouldn't toss you in here, though her brain must have rotted down here for even asking of such a thing. but it's too bad you've ruined it, huh, y/n? at least you'll die in mommy's arms. maybe she'll be the one to feed off you. that would be quite poetic. i'll enjoy the sounds of your scream -"

you scream when seonghwa's grip around you loosens, when you start to tumble forward, air rushing through your ears. you're going to die. you're going to die and you can't even comprehend the words seonghwa's just told you and the mention of your mother or even the fact that the tentacle crawling up the wall wraps around torso, and then you're tossed backwards. back over the rail. wait?

you blink, meeting familiar eyes, and you think of seonghwa's words, but you're dizzy and you're confused and everything is spinning, but at the same time the familiarity - there has to be a reason for it, the same as chaeyoung still being here, the same as... no. you think you're going to puke. you roll onto your side, meeting those beady eyes once more. it stares at you for a long moment before it dips below the railings. before it disappears.

there is no way in hell the creature is your mother. but seonghwa said no one dies here. and the creature just fucking saved you. maybe, when these things possess people they keep remnants of them. even though you killed her, she stayed with that thing. she still lives on. maybe that's what seonghwa was talking about. you don't know if you find the thought worse than death.

you hear screaming. you look over, and seonghwa has hongjoong by the throat, slammed up against the wall. hongjoong is crying, you realize, the lavender lighting giving him a ghostly sheen, and you've never seen him look so broken. you did not think him capable of it.

his voice echoes through the chamber, a broken, desperate thing, "she was my sister."

seonghwa says, "she still is."

you manage to crawl to your feet. you're not sure why you're doing this. you should run. you should escape. hongjoong terrorized you every single chance he had. you can barely walk straight. yet, you grab the nearest object, a rifle, and heave it up, placing the barrel to seonghwa's head. you click off the safety. hongjoong's eyes slide to meet yours.

you don't look at hongjoong for long, eyes lingering on seonghwa, "let go of him."

"oh," seonghwa starts to truly laugh, "so you're going to help him?"

"i'm going to blow your fucking brains out. would rather it just be you then both of you, really," you prod at the back of his head, "so let him go."

seonghwa releases hongjoong, turning slowly, hands in the air, until his forehead is pressed to the barrel of the gun. then seonghwa steps forward. you stand your ground, but he presses further into the barrel. his grin is maniacal.

"go on, then," he says, "blow my brains out."

you hesitate.

he cackles, before he grabs the barrel of the rifle. you yank it out of his hands and smack him across the forehead with it. that sends seonghwa sprawling.

your chest is heaving as you look at hongjoong. he stares back, his eyes wide. his eyes aren't black like seonghwa's and it's terrifying you think, to realize right then that all this time, he never had something controlling him, that everything he did was of his own volition. however, for once, he looks as small as his actual height. he looks as vulnerable as he had in that library. this may be the only time you've felt an inkling of sympathy for him.

but then hongjoong does not say a word to you. no thanks. no apologies. nothing. he pushes past you and lunges for seonghwa, bloodlust in his eyes, and seonghwa moves so fluidly, so easily, and it terrifies you when he smacks hongjoong aside so easily. when hongjoong tips over the side of the railing. hongjoong's plan was always vengeance. you almost pity him for this, as you watch him trip over seonghwa's foot and topple over the side of the railing. as he screams on the way down, the sound grating on your ears. you wonder, briefly, if the remnants of his sister will save him or kill him.

seonghwa turns on you, and he easily knocks the rifle from your trembling hands. this time, his fingers curl around your throat with intent to kill.

he says, "you're fucking annoying. i'm done here."

he squeezes, and you cannot breathe, your vision spotting. you can't see or breathe or think, and the sounds of you choking on air is so incredibly loud, even over the clicking below, the crunching of bones, and the squelching of flesh. of hongjoong's useless, vengeance-less death.

you just spit in his face, because that's all you can really do.

he slams you against the wall, and your vision blacks out. seonghwa's face is all you see, and it swims until there's three of him, so you close your eyes to block him out.

"i'll kill you," he says, "and then i'll keep you alive, just to make you die again. over and over and over. then i'll -"

he cuts off.

his grip loosens significantly.

you open your eyes, gulping for air.

standing there, heaving with a bloody metal bat over his head, and his head bandaged, is choi fucking san.

you blink at him. this isn't real. you have to be dead. he'd left. he'd left, and san never comes back.

but then he reaches for you, his fingers curling around your waist as he lets you lean all your weight on him.

you stare at san in disbelief. slowly, you reach up, and press your fingertips to his cheek, if only to check that he's really there, your vision still so blurred. you're so tired.

"you came back for me?"

san's brows furrow, his fingers curling into fists at your side. he nods, and nods, and nods, as he says, "of course i did."

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flamingi · 2 years

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IM SEEING ATEEZ OMG

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flamingi · 2 years

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[13] apocalypse + ex!san + "it was necessary."

part 12 | masterlist | part 14

a/n: 4.3k, a LOOOT of cursing, mentions of reflecting back on unhealthy relationships

apparently, yeosang can tell, too, that your threat is not a bluff. yeosang's voice rings clear through the room. san steps into the room as he talks, closer to you, and you keep your distance, the radio tucked close to you. san seems to still when he realizes you're moving away from him, hovering in the liminal space between the door and the foot of his bed.

"this isn't an excuse, but i was desperate, and you showing up the way you did seemed like a fucking miracle all on its own. i've spent years trying to figure out how to get back into the sanctuary and get someone out. i left him behind the night i escaped, and mingi and i swore we wouldn't rest until we got him out of there. wooyoung, yunho, and san refused to let us go back to the sanctuary." yeosang lets out a small, humorless laugh, "in fact, wooyoung tied us to our beds for a week once. they didn't want us recaptured, and hongjoong and seonghwa were constantly on the lookout for us."

yeosang sighs, "then you showed up. i...when i saw you had the other radio i saw an opportunity. you - i...i didn't like you at first, when i realized who you were. especially when i saw you still had the fucking radio too. you'd been an obstacle in my life long before i ever fucking met you. i really didn't want to like you, y/n, but" - yeosang lets out another humorless laugh, and you grit your teeth at the sound of it - "the opportunity you presented was nothing short of a goddamned miracle. i couldn't pass it up. we were already in hot water, anyway. the sanctuary's search teams were getting closer and closer to the bunker. we...we kept tabs on the sanctuary for years, so we could avoid them, but the tire shredders they put out were unexpected and way too fucking close."

the crackle of yeosang keeping his finger on the talk button is gone, and you find yourself lifting the radio and snapping into the silence, "so you gave me the wrong directions on purpose? is that what you're saying?"

"the sanctuary sat north of town. not south. i knew telling you that much would have you running straight into one of their search parties."

your fingers curl into a tight fist at your side, nails digging into your palms, "i fucking saved your lives, yeosang. and you repaid me like this?"

"it was necessary, y/n. you have to understand that."

you want to scream at him, and you wish this wasn't happening over the fucking radios, that you could look yeosang in the eye before you punched him. necessary?

but he still has his finger on the button, so you can't interrupt, no matter how much you want to.

yeosang murmurs, "i did hate you a little bit, but i'm not a monster. the stuff about avoiding the orange flags was true. i hoped you'd get out of town by some stroke of luck. but you didn't. the plan was to have you taken by the sanctuary, and when hongjoong recognized the knife, he'd target you so you wouldn't want to stay. you...you would do whatever we wanted to get out of there. i wasn't sure if you'd keep the radio, or even put the batteries in, so i know a lot of the plan was based on pure chance, but somehow it worked. some-fucking-how, everything fell into place perfectly and it worked. when i heard your voice, i felt...sorry, y/n. you have to believe me. but, for the first time in years, i finally had an opportunity to find my friend and get him the fuck out of there."

every word that comes out of his mouth adds fuel to the fire growing at the pit of your stomach. the ache in your chest is an added pain, just more tinder to the fire, because you thought the two of you were allies, at the very least, and here he was, telling you that he was willing to sacrifice you for his goals. here he was, telling you all this as if you'd somehow agree with his stance just because he wanted to save a fucking friend of his.

standing here, with the chair you'd always sat on acting a barrier between yourself and san, with the radio clutched in your trembling hands - trembling not because of fear, but because of anger and disappointment, so much fucking disappointment - and the urge to scream, the anger inside only grows and grows, until you're afraid it will consume you whole and you will become a raging, unrecognizable beast because of it.

"let me get this straight." you bite out, "you set me up to get kidnapped and you made sure i'd be targeted by giving me that knife, just so you could jump in and pretend to be my fucking saviors. all because of what? because you found someone to unknowingly do the dirty work in saving a friend who you abandoned in this fucking shithole?"

this time you laugh, cackle really, and you have to press your fingers to your mouth to keep it from turning truly crazed.

you say, "what if i died in the process? would you really have felt sorry, yeosang, if the person that has been haunting your stupid fucking relationship for years just so happened to drop dead while doing all your dirty work?"

san visibly winces at your words, but he doesn't say a thing. he doesn't say anything and that pisses you off more.

yeosang says, "yes, i would have been sorry. i'm not a monster."

"as i listen to this fucking plan of yours, i'm finding it really, really hard to believe that."

yeosang groans, "it's fucked up. i know. and this isn't an excuse. i'm genuinely sorry you had to get caught in the middle of it."

he's making it sound like you chose to get caught in the middle. your palms hurt with the pressure of your nails digging into the soft flesh there.

"i saved your lives," you say, "i kept your bunker location from hongjoong because wooyoung told me he hurt you, to the point where you came out of there a different fucking person. i kept your fucking secrets because i didn't want that to happen again. i bet," your voice falters, your throat closing in realization and horror and frustration. you clear your throat, say, "i suppose you knew i'd cover for you, huh?"

"i figured you were that kind of person when you didn't drop mingi and run."

the resignation in his tone makes you wince. you look at san, and watch as he closes his eyes, his lips pressed into a thin line, his brows furrowed, his shoulders slumped forward.

"i should have left you both to die that night." you say, and san's eyes snap open. you continue, tone vindictive and mean and only a quarter of the fury inside of you, "i guess the only good thing about all this is that i still have the chance to make sure you do die, right? though hongjoong's going to make it a lot worse than those aliens ever could have."

yeosang's voice still echoes as he speaks, but his tone is a hint more desperate. that feeds the fire, strokes it in a way that would have horrified you before you'd entered the sanctuary. now you're so tired and angry, you find the desperation satisfying. deserving. you want him to grovel. yeosang and wooyoung and mingi. yunho, too. and as you look at san, the way he stares at you with wide, surprised eyes, you want san to grovel too.

"y/n, please." yeosang pleads, "i know i fucked up, but san caught onto the plan a few days later. he knocked some sense into me, and i realized that what i was doing wasn't fair. especially when you were - you were apologizing to me, when you shouldn't have been sorry at all. san was so fucking pissed when he found out that he immediately decided he'd go in after you. he wouldn't listen to any of us. he's in there to get you out, and knowing he's out there... i just - i know i was an idiot for ever throwing you under the bus. it's just - if you tell hongjoong and seonghwa, they're going to kill him, y/n. they're going to kill san."

a part of your heart still twists at the thought, but the angrier more vindictive side of you shuts that down quickly. yeosang only cares about san's wellbeing. not yours. he only realized the danger he put you in, because san is in the same environment and he's realizing the consequences of actions entails san possibly getting hurt. yeosang does not care about you, or your wellbeing.

"oh," you laugh, regarding with contempt. you sound like you're ten seconds away from a breakdown, your cackle too loud, too hollow, "well, that's too fucking bad. should have thought about that a long time ago. what did yunho call it? a contingency plan? should have worked that out first huh?"

you step around the chair, and san steps in front of you. you ignore yeosang, wooyoung, and yunho's voices drifting through the radio, similarly desperate, worried, for san. not you, just san.

as you stare at san, everything else seems to fall away. for a moment, everything is choi san, wholly and fully, and you vision flickers between a young san, with betrayal in his eyes as you'd told him to get out, as you rounded on him, smacking his chest, and you'd bit out, get the fuck out. everything is that night, and your breathing comes out jagged, your chest tight. the present san exhales softly, but the sound is just as jagged as the feeling in your chest, in your heart.

you snap, "move."

"y/n, please." san's voice is calmer than yours, quieter. it makes you want to scream.

"get the fuck out of my way."

san closes his eyes, briefly, before opens them, determination brightening his eyes. he says, "the friend yeosang and mingi wanted to save is jongho, y/n."

that makes you falter, your fingers loosening slightly around the radio. so jongho's friend, the one he mentioned you reminded him of. it's yeosang. it has to be yeosang. your heart pounds, and you're still so fucking angry, but you get it, the desperation to save someone like jongho from the likes of this place, from the wrath of seonghwa and hongjoong. would you have thrown a stranger, an ex of your significant other who only ever created problems in your relationship despite never meeting them, into harm as a way to save your friend? you want to say no, but you don't know what you'd do if you were truly in such a situation. besides, you'd spent more time in the sanctuary worrying over jongho then you should have. the two of you are going to escape to the other side of the country, for fuck's sake. in that moment you find yourself in yeosang's shoes, and you despise that you get it. you understand him.

a wave of deep, deep sadness washes over you, your fist shaking at your side. you'd heard once that anger is a secondary emotion, one that had sadness or fear lurking beneath its depths. you never really understood that, until now. what the hell has this world come to?

still, despite understanding his motives, none of this okay. this is not okay.

"so what?" you stare at san, "you think that's a good enough reason for this?"

san shakes his head, his jaw ticking, "look, y/n. i didn't know - i never thought yeosang would do something like this, if i'm being honest. i caught him talking on the radio with you one night, and i lost it. i just...i know i've been an ass to you before in the bunker, but this was a level of low i couldn't get behind. i got myself captured, so i could make sure we got both you and jongho out in one piece."

"why didn't you tell me any of this?"

"i don't - i didn't think it mattered as long as i got you out. i thought i could keep the peace somehow, and protect - "

"oh fuck off with that," you roll your eyes, trying to sidestep him. he only blocks your path. you look up at him, "lying to someone isn't protecting them."

"i never lied. i just -""

"all you've ever done is lie to me!" you interrupt, voice raising, "even Before. you spent years telling me you loved me, only for you to admit you never fucking meant it. you didn't even like me. you," your voice cracks, but you power through, "you barely even tolerated me, san. you said it yourself. you were my first love, and i was nothing to you, and now this? all you ever fucking did was lie and break my heart. i can't believe you think you've changed. you're the same as you've always been."

"your -" san blinks in surprise, "your first love?"

rage bubbles at the pit of your stomach as you blink back tears born of both frustration and disbelief. your stomach curls into knots, and you feel nauseous at the feeling as you ask, "how is that a fucking surprise to you? how?"

"i never meant any of what i said that night!" san drags his hands through his hair, tugging at it, his eyes alight with a million emotions you do not care to decipher. "for months and months you refused to show me any affection. you never even said that you loved me. for years, i got nothing from you! and i get it now, that the two of us had a lot of shit to work through, but you couldn't even say it, y/n? not even once?"

his voice cracks on the last sentence, lilting up and trailing off, and the tears in your eyes well at the reminder coupled with the glassy shine in his eyes.

you'd spent so long trying to forget your relationship with him, and with the end of the world and wandering as a ghost, you'd succeeded. you were bad at expressing your affection, always avoidant, unable to really voice much, always forgetful of anniversaries, and san was too much to you. too attached. you loved him so much, but the attention was overwhelming and stressful, and you often worried you were not enough, so you tried to step away first, so he could turn around and tell you he was sick of you first. he never did that, though. instead, he started trying to make you jealous. at first it was meant to be a one-off thing. that was the only time either of you talked about it, because san's tactic worked a little too well and, out of jealousy, you'd reacted and finally showed san the attention he wanted. afterwards, you'd laid with your heads close, your fingers threaded through each others, and your legs tangled, a heavy silence between you, and you said, can we talk about it next time? instead of doing all this? and san had agreed.

but that agreement fell through very quickly. why wouldn't it when san's tactics elicited immediate responses? it was easier than talking. it was a quick solution.

but you both fell into a cycle of anger and jealousy and the type of relationship that was far from healthy. the worst part was, neither of you ever talked about it after that first time. you fought and made up and pretended like the two of you were perfectly fine. you truly believed your actions were enough. that san would understand that your cutting fruits for him, and folding his laundry when he had a long day of work and classes, and making his favorite dinners every once in a while, and leaving him handwritten post-it notes wherever you could just to see him smile softly at them, was the embodiment of actions speak louder than words. you always thought he just knew you'd loved him. you never truly realized that you never told him you loved him back.

"i thought," your fists loosen and your heart is a heavy thing in your chest, weighing you down until you have to dig your heels to keep from sinking, "i thought you knew."

san shakes his head, rubbing at his unshed tears as he looks away. the silence stretches on much too long.

then san says, "it doesn't matter anymore. back then i was stupid and young and i wanted to hurt you as bad as you were hurting me. i know, god, i fucking know i fucked up that night, y/n, and i regretted what i said."

"then why didn't you say anything?"

"you told me not to come back," san blinks at you.

you stare right back. you did tell him that. you'd hoped he wouldn't listen, but he did. for once, he did.

san continues, speaking slowly, "but please believe me when i say that the minute i found out what yeosang planned for you, i only wanted to get you out of here. i promised you i'd get you out, and i'm sticking to that promise."

"why?"

"what do you mean?"

"you had no problem leaving me tied up before sunset when you and your friends robbed me," you frown, "but you came in after me this time. is this because of guilt?"

"i thought if i left you there, i'd never have to see you again. seeing you again...it scared me."

"why the hell would it scare you?" your fingers clench around air, "i was the one who was robbed."

"i'm sorry, y/n." san frowns, "it's just...it's because" - he clears his throat - "because i care about you. i still care about you. i thought i stopped, but i saw you again and it just. it set me back to the very beginning so easily. i thought you'd get that by now."

your heart races in your chest, and this time out of a completely different emotion. he'd said he didn't care about you so often, you truly believed it. you want to be unsure if he means it, but the way he's looking at you, with sincerity flooding his dark eyes, and his gaze heavy on yours, your gut tells you that for once he is not lying.

but you are not in the right space to dissect how that makes you feel. all you can think about is the fact that he lied in the past, that all that is in the past, and in the here and now, his actions have hurt you. him telling you this, after he spent so long shooting you down, brings an ache to your chest you can't quite name. all you can wonder at is how difficult it is for the two of you to just be fucking honest with each other. it's like you're both incapable of it.

"no," you shake your head over and over, stepping back from him, not realizing that he's drawn closer until you pull yourself out of the bubble that is choi san, "no, san, no. you don't get to do this."

your voice crumbles with each word, and you hate it. you hate the way he looks at you, with the softest of eyes, with a visceral sadness that settles under your skin and makes a home there.

he lifts a hand, as if he wants to touch you, but then he drops his hand. he murmurs, "do what?"

"make me feel bad for being angry. pull me back in when you spent so long being so...so mean," your voice cracks on the word, because he's been worse than mean, but somehow you can't get yourself to say anything but that. you say, "you can't act like you haven't been withholding information from me all this time."

"i told you before, y/n," san drags his hand over his face, "i can't choose between any of you. i can't choose sides."

"if you think being honest with me is choosing sides," you exhale, "then i'm fucking done here."

you try to shove past him. he grips your elbow, dips his head, says your name in a way that makes a small part of you want to stay, while the angrier part of you wants to scream and scream and scream. he says, "y/n, please."

san's touch is light, one you can easily shake out of.

you look down at his hand, and you think shake your head, over and over and over. you say, "no."

san sighs, "whatever you do next, it's going to end badly. please just consider that at least."

you find you don't care.

you keep your eyes locked on him as you bring the radio to your lips, and you say, "yeosang, i'm telling jongho everything you've done, and he can decide if he wants to see you again. i like to think he won't. either way, fuck every single one of you."

it feels a bit like a goodbye, and you really hope it is.

you push the radio into san's other hand, before looking down at the the hand still holding your elbow. you look back up at him, and say, "let me go."

slowly, he retracts his hand. it reminds you of when you told him not to come back and he listened. you're not sure how you feel about it, but your stomach still curls with a mixture of rage, disappointment, and resignation. san's dark eyes flicker over your face, and his lips press into a thin, determined line.

if he was going to listen to you, if he didn't come back back then, then you figure he'll do the same now. and, maybe, he doesn't deserve this. he doesn't deserve any type of closure on your part, but you can't help it when you look him in the eyes and you say, "you need to let me go this time."

you say it like he's the only one who couldn't let go. like you hadn't kept his radio in your room for years and years. like you didn't feel something right now, despite every thing that's happened. he's your first love, though, and those never truly leave you. it's easier, now, you think, with the fire inside you fueling your every decision.

you study his expression, repeat, "let me go."

san's eyes are glassy, his mouth set in stone, his fingers curling into fists at his side. but he nods. he nods.

most importantly, he does not try to stop you when you turn and leave.

~.~.~.~.~

you make a beeline for the warehouse where jongho is working his nightshift. the hairs at the back of your neck stand on end as they always do when you're walking the grounds under moonlight, but this time you can't focus on anything but talking to jongho and getting the hell out of this place once and for all.

as you walk away from san's room, from the radio, and yeosang, as you process the gravity of the betrayal you've faced, you know you were better off wandering alone. at least this time, you'll have jongho as a companion, though you're unsure if he'll stay with you. he may go back. to yeosang and mingi. that thought makes your heart clench. monsters aren't born, they are made, hongjoong said. you're starting to understand what he meant.

you slip into the warehouse, but when you get to the desk jongho usually occupies, no one is there.

the warehouse is quiet, eerily so. no screams, no metal banging, no crickets chirping, nothing.

"looking for someone?"

hongjoong's voice sends shivers down your back. you spin on your heels, backing up immediately until your the back of your knees hit the desk.

hongjoong leans against the hall, blocking the way you came in, his arms crossed over his chest, his grin all teeth.

hongjoong lifts a hand, and wiggles an object in the air, dangling it in front of his face. for a moment, you can't tell what it is.

then you realize it's the radio. your heart drops to the pit of your stomach. did san...?

"i don't know what -"

"cut the bullshit," hongjoong says, smile dropping from his face, "i know you've been talking to mingi since you've gotten here. i wouldn't have expected any less from you, really. so we're going to either do this the hard way or the easy way. your pick."

monsters are made, you know. and maybe you left your last bit of empathy behind when you told san to let you go. you say, "if you want information on mingi and yeosang, i can give you that. you were right. they're liars."

hongjoong raises a brow, but the grin comes back brighter than ever. he says, "ah, i wasn't expecting this so soon. i thought i'd have to pull out at least a few fingernails before you started talking."

hongjoong raises an arm, waving you forward. you follow him. he drops his arm over your shoulders as you two walk out of the warehouse and back under the moonlight. the hairs at the back of your neck stand on end, from both hongjoong's heavy arm and the things in the sky above.

he leads you across the courtyard, through the laundry field, and towards one of the guard towers. hongjoong doesn't say a word all the while.

you try to duck out from under his arm, but he is heavy.

you say, "where are we going?"

hongjoong grins, and under the moonlight, the planes of his face is longer, shadows drawing exaggerated, jagged lines that bring chills down your spine. hongjoong leans close, mouth inches from your ear, and he sing-songs, "to see seonghwa."

just as you're coming up on the entrance to the guard tower connected to the wall, the metal door closed tight ahead of you, you ask, "where's...where's jongho?"

hongjoong chuckles, and it echoes around you, "he picked the hard way."

then hongjoong shoves you forward so hard you stumble onto your knees. you look up when you hear the clang of metal. the door swings open with a resounding thud.

it isn't seonghwa who opened the door, or even san, as a part of you dreaded.

with his head tucked and his eyes averted, jongho holds open the metal door. hongjoong crouches next to you, his fingers threading through your hair as he pulls your head back, back, back, until you're looking past jongho, looking up, at the stars and the moon and white things floating in the sky, just hovering in one place. not quite moving.

he says, and strangely enough, hongjoong's tone is gentle, kind, "take a good look. in case it's your last time."

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flamingi · 2 years

Text

[12] apocalypse + ex san + "you didn't know?"

part 11 | masterlist | part 13

a/n: 3k, mentions of death, i'm sorry in advance

you're still holding the book when you step out of the library, cleaning supplies stacked above it. you'd sat in that empty library and flipped through the book, but there was nothing else in there. nothing but the name chaeyoung. hongjoong's sister.

you thought, for a moment, that seonghwa was talking about her, when he mentioned a friend he once had. you didn't miss the way jongho mentioned that seonghwa and chaeyoung were primarily the ones who figured out how to keep the fog away from the sanctuary. they came up with the original rules. that 'something happened with chaeyoung'. as you sat in that chair and stared at the stupid book, the hairs at the back of your neck remained standing on end, and your stomach churned. you weren't sure what happened to her, or what seonghwa knew, or what the hell the tragedy of antigone had to do with any of it, but the very thought of something else happening to her, something that ended with her throat slit, made your stomach churn and your heart ache. you did not know the woman. perhaps, she was just as volatile and terrible as everyone else here. but as you sat in that library and stared at her name, you couldn't help but wonder about her. after hongjoong told you that story, after jongho told you his, you'd spent too many nights dreaming of a girl with a slit throat. you started keeping candles burning all night to avoid looking into too many dark corners in your jail cell room. you thought about her often. you empathized for her.

so you couldn't leave the book behind.

and as you walk out of the library, juggling a sloshing bucket in one hand, and a spray bottle and dirty rags in the other, you freeze in place at the sight of san leaning next to the door to the library. the library used to be some sort of shed, separate from the main compound where the closet of cleaning supplies sat, and the protruding roof keeps you both covered from the rain as you blink at him. it must have started raining while you were immersed in scouring the pages of the book. you want to ask why san is waiting for you, but an old umbrella with one side bent and lopsided is at his side. you can hear the shouts of the other sanctuary members as they take cover from the rain. there's laughter. giggles.

san pushes himself off the wall, uncrossing his arms, his hair tickling his eyes. it's much too long now.

"it started raining, and mrs. kim told me bring this for you," san says, rubbing the back of his neck as he holds out the umbrella. it's always mrs. kim.

you blink at the umbrella in question. you look up at him and say, "it's broken."

san scoffs, rolling his eyes, but a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. he steps closer, still holding the umbrella handle out for you, "just take it. she let me out early specifically for this."

"what does she think this is? a drama?" you mutter.

this time san laughs, and it's not soft or controlled. it's the kind you remember from long ago. you'd forgotten how contagious it can be. and how loud. it echoes over the sound of steady rain.

"she misses her shows," he says with a snort.

"they all do," you say, pointing with your chin across the field, under the dining hall overhang where a lot of the sanctuary members are taking refuge from the rain. some of them are blatant in their staring.

san waves at them, and everyone seems to immediately turn away or even walk off. you can't help but laugh, and san glances over at you, the small smile still there.

then he cranes his neck, peering up at the sky - something you have yet to feel comfortable doing due to those things hanging around in the sky, though when it's raining it's harder to see them and easier to pretend they were never there in the first place. he says, "let's head in before the rain gets worse. here" - he plucks the bucket and rags from you, fingers brushing yours, and his gaze flickers to the book in your hands before he pushes the umbrella into your hands. he leaves the book - "let's put these away first."

your heart jumps a bit at the way he so casually helps you - when he used to work laundry duty , he'd just laugh at you as you stumbled under the weight of all the laundry and breeze right past you - but you ignore it, instead opening the umbrella and focusing on keeping you both covered from the rain. for a moment, the steady pit-pat of the rain and your squelching footsteps in the mud is all you hear.

the tall grass tickles your ankles, and no doubt you'll have mosquito bites all over any exposed skin by the end of this, but the smell of earth and rain is comforting despite all that.

you come to a halt, and san stops after a moment, shuffling back under the umbrella so he doesn't get rained on.

he tilts his head at you, questioning, curious.

you say, "did mingi ever tell you anything about chaeyoung, uh, hongjoong's sister?"

you don't know why you're asking him. he's made it clear he won't divulge any of his friend's secrets.

you expect san to go steely, to close off or shut you down immediately, but he just purses his lips, readjusting his grip on the cleaning supplies, before he says, "mingi never said much about her. he...he doesn't like talking about it."

"what if i asked him?"

the rain starts to really pour now, your shoulder getting wet. san's is too. this umbrella is terrible.

san sighs, says, "he doesn't talk, y/n. he only really talks to a few people, and even then it's not much."

you just nod, making a move to walk.

after a moment, san tugs on your elbow. you let him pull you to a stop. he asks, "why are you asking?"

"this is hers," you say, waving the book.

san stares down the title of the book for a long moment. the rain drones on and on, before he says, "did seonghwa say something to you?"

that makes you pause, "do you...know something?"

"it's complicated."

"everything is fucking complicated with you," you snap.

san sighs. you start walking faster, yanking open the doors to the hall that holds the cleaning supply closet. the hallway is empty, no doubt because everyone's already at dinner. you shove the soaked umbrella into san's hands as you take the cleaning supplies, ignoring his small whine of protest at getting wet. you put away the cleaning supplies without looking at him. your hands, though, are shaking.

"why are you asking about chaeyoung?" san's voice is low, concerned, behind you.

you shrug, gripping the door so tight, your palms hurt a bit. "i worry sometimes that i'll end up like her."

there's a small pause, before san says, "that's not going to happen."

his voice is still low, but it's adamant. firm. stubborn, even, you'd say. he speaks like it's fact, and with the way things are going nothing regarding your lives is fact anymore. it's unrealistic for him to think otherwise. it's making a promise he can't keep, and god have you had too many of those with him.

you sigh, turning to finally face him as you shut the door. you say, "there's something off about seonghwa, san. i don't know what it is."

"maybe it's the power trip," san mutters, rubbing his wrist.

"maybe," you say, but you don't think it's just that.

before san can respond, the doors to the indoor dining hall open up and people start spilling out, chatting and laughing as they do. johnny spots san, grinning between you both.

"we missed dinner," you frown.

san says, "i can get us something for tonight. if you're still hungry."

"they only ever have desserts and alcohol at the shipments, so yeah," then you pause, and ask, "but if you steal food and get caught, you're definitely going to lose a hand."

"i'm not stealing anything," san rolls his eyes, "guards can get food whenever since so many of us have weird hours."

"i forgot you were doing that," you say, "you get access to the kitchen?"

"no," san shakes his head, heading towards the doors, and you match his stride. the rain stopped, but the air is heavy, humid, and hot, and you grimace at the deep footsteps in the muddied path leading towards the shipment. "there's a warehouse separated from the compound out past the towers behind the laundry field. i think it used to be the officer's quarters back Before so that's why it's separated from the rest of the jail."

that's where the food comes from. that's where they go when they drive their trucks out. it has to be. though you can't help but wonder where the hell they find the food to fill the warehouse.

san pauses, frowning down at you. he searches your face, and he must be able to see something because he narrows his eyes and asks, "why are you asking?"

you don't tell him that how if you find a way in there, you and jongho can get food, a car, and get out. a part of you feels bad about that, because despite everything you shouldn't leave san behind here. it's not right. but a more spiteful part of you reminds you that san has been lying to you nonstop. that he's withholding information from you, to the point where it's become blatant and normal between you two.

you say, "we can escape that way, can't we? i doubt they have too many guards in the inside. they'd want to keep people out, not keep people in, like they do here in the main compound. we could use it as a way to sneak out."

san shakes his head, and the movement is quick, sharp, "no."

you frown at his quick retort, "what? why not?"

"that's not -" san bites the inside of his cheek, "like you said, they want to keep people out over there. getting in is going to be a shitshow."

"that's where you come in."

"let's just stick to the original plan."

"you mean the one you didn't even tell me much about?"

san huffs, but he doesn't respond, looking away instead. you avoid puddles as you walk, and the two of you stew in silence the rest of the way.

~.~.~.~.~

hongjoong takes a seat straight across from you in the little viewing half-circle. every time you look away from seonghwa and his nightly speech, you catch hongjoong's gaze. his lips are pressed into a thin line, and his eyes are narrowed, and your heart does not stop slamming against your ribs at his presence.

san is elsewhere - likely building rapport with the other guards somewhere - and you're not sure why you look for him first, when hongjoong's presence brings you such anxiety. you're lying to him, and planning an escape without him. you shouldn't be looking for him anymore.

but hongjoong doesn't make a move to approach you, so you keep your eyes locked on seonghwa, and later the shipment. you ignore hongjoong as best as you can.

tonight's shipment is just one man. the man who haunts you sometimes, the one who's friend punched him, who hongjoong looked onto the two men fighting with absolute glee as he explained the consequences of a physical fight, who lost his hand too for fighting back. funny, you think, how everything comes full circle eventually.

you leave the shipment early that night, the moment you see people start to head back up the path. you glance back over your shoulder, and san is chatting with seonghwa, seonghwa placing a hand on san's shoulder as he laughs. san smiles, dimples and all. the sight steels you in your resolve then. he has plans, and they are separate from you. he won't tell you what he's doing.

so you'll do the same. you'll act separate from him. you can't believe you spent this long not doing so.

you slip into san's room easily, tucking that extra key away. you shouldn't do this. you have probably half an hour before san comes back. but you're digging under his mattress and pulling out the radio before you can rethink the situation.

you click the button, and call out a greeting.

it takes only a moment for a response. you wonder, sometimes, if they keep the radio on them all the time. you wonder how often san talks to his friends throughout the day. those thoughts run rampant in your head most when you have time to yourself, when you're not doing menial labor and actually have time to sit with yourself and your thoughts. during your errand breaks. when you're alone in your room.

"y/n, please don't tell me he did something stupid again," surprisingly, it's not yeosang or wooyoung who answers you. it's yunho.

"not this time," you say. "san's fine."

there's a long pause. yunho says, "you're calling on your own, and you're early. it must be important."

"are you the only one there?"

"yeah," yunho hums, "yeosang and wooyoung are sorting through their supply run downstairs. mingi's taking a nap upstairs. i was reading. it's just me."

you frown. the amount information he gives you feels...strange, and it's ridiculous because he's telling you very basic details. you drag a hand through your hair at the thought.

yunho's crackly voice cuts through the silence, "disappointed?"

"no, of course not."

"alright," yunho sounds amused, "then i'm all ears. what's so important that you can't say it in front of san?"

that makes you grimace. you take a breath, before you say, "i know the knife isn't wooyoung's."

you'd originally wanted to see their faces as you told them you knew. you wanted to be able to see their reactions in plain view, but with each passing day, you're starting to worry you never will be able to. the image of a slit throat and blood everywhere flickers in your mind, but you shake it away.

you continue, clicking the radio button once more, "i know it's mingi's - which by the way i'm super fucking pissed that none of you told me - so i'm here because i want to know what happened to chaeyoung. i want to know the truth. you said i shouldn't be in the dark anymore, didn't you, yunho? here's your chance."

the silence is a lot shorter than you thought it would be. maybe that's because yunho doesn't have anyone else there to consult, like usual.

"chaeyoung was murdered, but mingi didn't kill her, if that's what you're asking," yunho sighs, "and, for the record, i never agreed to it."

you frown, "agreed to what?"

"having you sent to the sanctuary, of course. i mean san wasn't in on it either, and i doubt he would have agreed if he was, but when yeosang brought up the plan that night, i didn't think it was fair. not to mention, it was rough as hell with too many holes. no contingency plan whatsoever. but i was outnumbered three to one, so i couldn't do much."

you freeze, your heart crawling into your throat. what the hell.

your voice is shrill, even to your own ears as you shakily press the talk button. "what?"

"wait, shit," yunho's voice grows panicked. "you didn't know?"

you press the button quickly, "yunho, don't you fucking dare hang up. explain to me what the hell you mean by sent here."

the silence afterwards is so, so long. he left. he left, and you're sitting there with jumbled thoughts and horror washing over you. your fingers tremble around the radio. you can't even begin to fathom what the hell that meant. how could any of them have sent you here? yeosang made the plan? what fucking plan? what fucking plan could they have possibly made that sent you to the sanctuary? all they did was give you a pack and batteries for the radio and a warning to avoid the orange flags indicating the sanctuary. but what if that was on purpose?

that last thought is a vice-like grip over your heart.

yunho's voice is low, apologetic, filled with static and almost hard to hear. he says, "i thought when san told you about mingi's knife he told you about everything else. but clearly he didn't - i really didn't - y/n, you shouldn't be finding out like this..."

his voice trails off, just as the door opens, just as san slides into the room.

his eyes widen as he takes in the sight of you, clutching the radio, hunched on his bed.

then yeosang's voice fills the room, "y/n."

his tone is sharp and tired and not at all apologetic enough for you, and it draws an anger out of you you haven't felt in years. you're shaking now, and it's no longer out of fear or terror or what ifs. it's pure fucking rage.

"if you don't explain what yunho meant by a plan to send me here in the next minute, i'm going to hongjoong and seonghwa and i'm telling them exactly where your fucking bunker is. i'm telling them everything," you say as you hold san's gaze, "i swear i will."

as san stands at the door, as you both hold each other's gazes, you know that you mean every single word of your threat.

with the way san's eyebrows furrow, he knows it, too.

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