fragilecapricornconfessions

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I had another nightmare last night. I was walking down the street, and I spotted you in a group. I got the impression that you were on a field trip, and I believe you saw me approaching you. Your hair was directly in front of your face, and you seemed to be trying to hide your physical appearance. I believe I may have said something under my breath when I walked past you, but you just ignored me. I was also walking around a building looking for you in a separate part of the dream, and I couldn't find you at all.

I can't believe what you're allowing to happen to me. I can't believe that you allowed me to become no one overnight. I was such a big part of your life, and you were a huge part of my life as well. You still are. We would talk for hours a day. You called me on the phone every day. I always asked you about your day, and our conversations were full of delight and wonder. We confided in one another, and you told me everything about everything. I think about so many random things from time to time. I think about you telling me you'd give me keys to your apartment, and I could come over whenever I want. I think about you sending me daily affirmations when I told you I wasn't feeling well. I think about the gloves I got you and how I discouraged you from wearing them when you told me they were getting snagged on to your eczema. I think about the time you told me you had the other white dog living in your basement. I think about the times you called me terms of endearment in Spanish and how you wanted to give me some of your mother's habichuelas con dulce. I think about the times you asked me to pick your nail color or the times you told me I can keep your art work from your class. I remember the times you'd message me an intermittent "I love you" throughout the day. I recall the late conversation that lasted into the AM hours. I recall the random poems you'd write for me; even the ones you said you wouldn't publish in your poetry book. I think about the times you'd tell me that you wished I could pick you up in my car at the end of your day. I think about how you said you wanted to reread The Secret History and annotate it so we can eventually swap books and read each other's annotations. I think about you helping choose an album cover for my next album. I think about us talking about coffee shops we'd visit in the future. I think about you telling me how our dogs are soul mates because they were always sleeping in the same position. I think about all of these things. Mostly, I am hoping that you remember all of these things as vividly as I do. You are such an important part of my life. There is a gaping hole in my heart now due to your absence. I need you so badly. There is no reason why we shouldn't be able to talk to one another as long as we both decide to do so. There is no reason at all. I just wish you had more strength. I know you wanted to spare yourself the embarrassment. I know that. But all of this isn't fair to me. The pain isn't fair. The hurt isn't fair. The sleepless nights aren't fair. None of it is fair. I miss you, and I love you.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

The days are getting longer. Much longer. My hope is diminishing little by little. I didn't think I would find myself in such a position. It has been about 10 weeks since I last spoke to you, and I can't even begin to explain the extent of this pain. A part of me wishes to be selfish and hope that you feel the same pain, but I know I shouldn't be selfish. This is affecting me in the worst way possible. I am getting all of these dreams. I can't even call them dreams. They are nightmares. I had one again last night. I was standing by the front door, and I greeted you and a bunch of others as they were walking in. You walked right past me and didn't say a word. When you walked in, you sat down and started talking to an elder: someone we both know. You engaged in the most upbeat and animated conversation. It reminds me of the conversations we used to have, and now this has turned into the most deafening silence I have to endure in my life. This isn't right. This isn't fair to me at all. I love you so much. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I always have, and I always will. You can't abandon me like this. You can't run away and leave me alone. We have been through so much together. You know this as well as I do. I can't stop thinking about all of the gifts. I can't stop thinking about all of the promises. All of the tears that we have shed and the times we have consoled one another. All of the times we assured one another and gave one another strength. All of the times when you requested to spend time with me and go places with me. All of the hearty conversations we had throughout the year. All of it. I can't erase any of it from my mind. It's not fair that everything that we once had should now be just a memory. It's not fair that we went from speaking for hours a day to acting like we are perfect strangers, or worse, enemies. You know it's not true. YOU KNOW IT'S NOT TRUE! How can it be true? We told one another we were best friends. We agreed that we were soul mates. I know that you felt this soul connection as strongly as I did. You told me. You are the one who told me initially, and I agreed. Now we are just going to act like strangers? Now I don't exist anymore? You can't abandon me. You can't. This is not fair to me at all. My heart is in so much pain. The pain in my chest grows with each passing day. You can't tell me that you have just moved on like it's no big deal. I'd refuse to believe it. Please, sweetheart. Please. I need something. Anything. A sign would help so much. I have asked for it so many times before. I am getting nothing. I have gotten nothing. This hurts me in ways that you may never know. I really expected more. I planned for so much more. There is so much we've yet to do. You know this. We spoke about the future. So often you'd mention wanting to be my girlfriend or wanting me to marry you. I can't forget it. How could I? You can't do a complete 180 like this. You can't leave me alone. I can't believe you did this to me. I truly can't believe it. You took no accountability, and it hurts. You said things to save face and spare yourself embarrassment. It's not fair to me. If only you knew what I am going through.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I can't believe you. I really can't. I thought I was in pain all this time, but now I am hurting in ways I have never hurt before. This is becoming too unbearable. I saw you yesterday. I was so happy to see your face. I saw you sitting there, and it was surreal. I was finally seeing my best friend again. Then, you started swiveling left and right in your chair, you were taking intermittent sips of your coffee in the to-go cup, and you even laughed several times. You seemed totally OK. You seemed like you didn't have a care in the world. Like it didn't matter to you that you have ruined my life. Like all of this is just some sort of game for you. I have never cried harder than I have cried yesterday. The whole thing seemed to be one big joke for you. The true slap in the face was reading what you said. I can't believe how much you lied. I can't believe how much you're painting yourself to be the victim. You always looked forward to seeing me and hanging out with me. Now you say you did it because you feared my anger? What anger? I have never expressed any anger towards you. All of it is such a lie, and I can't believe that you would betray me in such a way. How could you? Why couldn't you endure the embarrassment and just tell it like it is? It was far more important for everyone to think that you can do no wrong and that none of this was your idea. You did a complete 180. I did so much for you. You chose to spotlight some exaggerations and did your absolute best to paint me as a villain. How could you? How could you do this to me? I truly have done so much for you. I have always been there for you. I have promised you so much. You threw it all away in a moment's notice. This is so wrong. I looked up to you in so many ways. I expected much better from you.

I was plagued by a nightmare again. I happened to be on a rooftop, and I saw you walking down the street. I jumped off the roof, and I started running in your direction. When you saw me, you started running in the opposite direction. I remember looking at my watch, and it was like 7:03 AM. You are so far from me now. You are so elusive. I can't believe you did all of this to me. I can't believe where we are now. How am I supposed to have hope? I am a fool. I was foolish for thinking that you cared about me and appreciated me and all the efforts I made in our friendship.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

What is it going to take? This is a sincere question. What are the circumstances and conditions under which I get to have my friend back? Why must I suffer like this? Why must I waste my days driving around and sending prayers up to the heavens for something so basic and so deserving? Who in the world except for me is asking God to allow him/her to communicate with his/her living best friend? I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of the pain. I am tired of waiting for some uncertain future. All I want is my friend back. I need her here with me. It would allow me to breathe such a sigh of relief. I would be over the moon. It amazes me how something so simple could bring someone so much joy. On second thought, our friendship was anything but simple. We weaved an intricate web, and I am proud of it. It took a long time and a strong effort to climb as high as we did. We pursued the finest and sweetest things that life has to offer. Our tower of love and understanding was demolished before our eyes. We came crashing to the ground. We hurt ourselves so much in the process. We are still processing the pain. I am hurting in ways I never thought I could hurt. This lingering pain seems to have no end in sight. The nightmares make all of my days start in a state of sorrow. I don't know where to go from here. As Benjamin Gibbard says, "everything's a ceiling." There is always a cap to my climbing. There seems to be no way out. I never thought I would employ this mindset. It took losing you to also lose all of the hope and joy within me. I wonder how you're feeling. I wish you could tell me. I wish I could get some answers. I wish you gave me a teeny tiny sign. It's really not much to ask for, but it would bring me immense joy and relief. If only you knew. You're intelligent. Intuitively, you must know that a tiny sign would bring me great happiness. I sit here listening to Lana Del Rey, and I find yet more teardrops falling from my eyes. I imagine all the things we could be talking about. I imagine all the things we could be doing together. The conversations were so rich and loving. The promises were so thoughtful and authentic. The gazes were so admiring and addicting. It's all gone. All of it. In the blink of an eye. If someone could tell me that everything will come back to us, then at least I will know that I can hang on to hope for a bright future. I would be prepared to wait for as long as it may take. At this point, it's hard to be certain of anything. The pain and hurt discourages me. Your voice enlightens me. Your image brings an immediate smile to my face. Why do we not deserve happiness? Why do we not deserve companionship? Why do we not deserve for these things that we want to come to us so effortlessly? Why must everything be an uphill battle? I want to sing songs with you. I want to read books with you. I want to drink coffee with you. I want to eat meals with you. I want to share hugs with you. I want to see sights with you. I want to love with you. I want to laugh with you. I want to cry with you. I desire to do everything with you. All it will take is for you to agree. If you agree, it shall be done. I will be here. I will be waiting. It's not impossible. It is all within our control. I promise you. I have thought about this very deeply. This is not some whimsical thought of my crazy fancy. This is real life. I envision a future between us. You occupy all of my thoughts. You are behind every action and the deepest desires that reside within me. I love you. You have no idea how much I love you. Let me continue to love you. Everything you have worked so hard to manifest is still manifesting in your absence. I promise you this. I will continue to chase my Daisy. I will find you again. I will meet you again, and the reunion will be so blissful. I yearn for your hug. I need you in my life. I love you so much. Please accept my love. Please accept me.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

What will I do with my life? What else is there to do? I am haunted by my thoughts whether I am awake or asleep. I wish things could be easier. I wish things could be normal. I wish I could have my friend and soulmate back. Life is so cruel. People are cruel. Existence is cruel. We have to fight to have even an ounce of pleasure. You can live your whole life righteously, and yet, you still need to give an arm and a leg just to be able to crack a single smile. Fuck this.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I miss you. I miss you so much. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm despondent. This is getting to be way too much for me. Nothing is working for me. I need you. I need ONLY you. I need you back in my life. Why can't I get a sign? Why won't you or God give me a sign? I'm not asking for much. Jesus walked on water and turned water into wine. He cured the blind men and healed people from catastrophic illnesses. God created the entire universe in six days, and he rested on the sabbath. You mean to tell me that my small request can't be fulfilled in months? Something isn't right here. I don't feel good. I don't feel loved. All of my hopes and dreams are shattering before my eyes. I wish you knew how I'm feeling right now. Maybe you feel the same way. Maybe you don't. I don't have any way of knowing. I fear I may never know. This is a real fear, and it isn't fair to me at all. The days are getting longer and the pain is getting stronger. The heartache is interminable. The worries are never-ending. The confusion grows. The only thing diminishing is my hope. My mind is clouded with worries. The tears dehydrate my body. I'll never give up on you. I want to tattoo your name on my wrist so I can see it every day and be reminded of my goals for the future. I miss you. I miss you so much, sweetheart. I need you to come back to me. I pray that you haven't forgotten about me. Please remember me. Please think of me fondly. Please don't stop caring. Please give me a sign. Please hold on to everything we have built. Don't demolish the structure we have worked so long to build. I can't stop crying. I cry all day. I cry everywhere I go. My soul longs for you. I long to have you back in my life. I won't be OK again until I do. My love. Please, sweetheart. I am getting nothing. I'm so hurt. I am hopeless. I am on the verge of destruction. Please, my love. Please. Please. Please. Please. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say. This is unbearable. I miss you. I need you back.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

If only you knew the pain I feel in my chest, perhaps you would call an ambulance. I remember telling you that prior to 2022, I had gone years without crying. I was so proud of myself. My mental health seemed to be in order. I wasn't totally happy in my life, but I wasn't broken either. I remember telling you this quite vividly. It's so hard to imagine now that I cry multiple times a day. I think 2024 will be the year where I cry every single day, and this hypothesis scares me very much. I need you back. You are the only one who can take this pain away. No one else's efforts can even come close. Why did you abandon me? How was it so easy for you to just forget all about me? Perhaps you haven't forgotten about me, but that's what it feels like. We had so much to be grateful for. I loved having you in my life so much. Your presence was such a blessing to me. I pray so deeply and so sincerely that you come back to me one day. Nothing else would make me happier or make me feel more fulfilled. It's hard to find the drive or the energy to do anything without you. As I was walking home from my car yesterday, I so desperately wanted to take a picture of the moon just to send it to you. I looked up at the sky and reminded myself that you're unavailable to me. I started crying immediately. One day, I just want you to know the hurt I endured. These are scars that will never heal. The amount of effort required to get you back is enormous. I don't even know where to begin at this point. I am so lost without you. I am a shell of a person. I am a fragment of who I used to be. I long for your friendship, companionship, and love again. I need you to return to me. I hope one day God deems my prayers worthy enough of being answered. All I can do is keep praying.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I dreamt about you yet again last night. This dream haunted me. This dream echoed my reality in such a disturbing way. I was standing outside of an unfamiliar building, and I happened to be there with my sibling. An employee of this building asked me to perform a task, so I obliged. After performing the task, I noticed that many of your peers were walking down the street, so I started running. For some reason, I was wearing a Beatles wig in this dream, and the wig flew off while I was running, but I caught it in time. I eventually walked past a room with tall windows, and I saw you inside the room. You were sitting all the way in the back, and you had a white bow in your hair. I recall your lips moving in the dream, so you were obviously talking to someone. For a moment, I think you looked in my direction, and I was trying so hard in the moment to make out the expression on your face. The fact that I can't see you or talk to you has bled into my subconsciousness. Even in my dreams I know you're unattainable. This perfect person who was once available at my disposal is now the person who is the furthest away from me. I can't believe this. I truly can't even fathom that this is happening to us. All I want is for us to be together. I want us to be able to talk. I want to be able to hug you and tell you I love you. I can't do any of that. This hurts me in ways you couldn't even imagine. I don't know what I did to deserve this. This is a punishment beyond anything I could have ever imagined. On a day like today, we would have been talking for hours. Where did we go wrong? All the good morning messages have disappeared. All of the I love yous have disappeared. All of the memories are beginning to fade. I feel like I am wasting away all of my days without you. The days have turned cold, and my heart has turned colder. I have a permanent pain in my chest. During all of this time, I have gotten nothing from you. I feel like I am no one to you at this point. I don't know how I can go on knowing that all of our efforts have been discarded and forgotten in such a way. I feel like what we had was tossed away like some old and tattered article of clothing. I want so much for everything that we had to be restored. I pray for it every day. There isn't anything else I could ask for now. I just want to be able to breathe comfortably again. I want to be able to sleep without the fear of nightmares. I'd love to be able to look at my phone and know that I can call you when I desire to. The life I had is gone. I fear that none of it will ever be restored. You are such a haunting figure to me now. You are the most elusive thing in my life. Even if it came to a large sum of cash, I could manifest it if I work hard enough. But you, I'm not so sure anymore. I prayed all day yesterday. I went to church, and I had a long talk with God. I won't stop praying. I need you. I so desperately need you in my life. I am such a broken and desperate man.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

Please read these posts one day. I am begging you to do so. I am spilling all of my emotions in these posts, and it is requiring me a great deal of effort. Many would opt to just sit and close their eyes and hope for the pain to go away. I would like to channel and document all of my emotions in the desperate hope that you will one day be sitting next to me and reading all of these posts. I want them to serve as proof. Proof that I have not stopped thinking about you. Proof that my love for you is the strongest thing I have ever felt. Proof that you are occupying my thoughts every minute of every day. Proof that you are the one thing that matters most to me right now. I am living in a nightmare. This is a real-life nightmare. Why would God allow such a nightmare to take place in my life? Why would he bring such an angel in my life only to pry her out of my arms prematurely? She is allowed to talk to every other soul on this planet except her best friend an her "number one guy." I have never experienced such nonsense and absurdity before in my life. God, please undo this monstrosity. Please give me a reason to be hopeful. Please wake me up from this horrible dream. Please allow me to wake up one morning, have the most intense Deja vu, and let this whole thing be just one unfortunate glitch in the matrix. This can't be my reality right now. This is a fate worse than anything I could ever imagine. Why must this happen to me? What is the metaphysical lesson that I am supposed to learn from this? I have done much hurting and little learning. I can't take this for much longer. I truly can't. I am suffering in ways I never thought I'd suffer before.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

For this post, I would like to document my prayers. I often speak to God when I am driving around the park and talking out loud, but I would like to let you in on my prayers this time around. I hope it's OK.

Dear, God. You brought a guardian angel into my life. You gave me a best friend and a soul mate. You brought me companionship during one of the darkest moments of my life. You have shown me what it feels like to experience unconditional love. The love and care was always requited, and this experience brought the best out of me. It inspired me in ways only you know, my sweet Lord. I ask you to please return this angel to me. Please bring my best friend back into my life. Please restore the love and the peace in my life. Please give me a sense of purpose again, and please ignite my sense of hope so that I can move forward with the belief and expectation that I will get my best friend back. Please do all of these things for me. I desire nothing more than to have my best friend and soul mate back. The proverbial rug was pulled from under my feet. Now my feet are splintered from the hardwood floors. Please, God. Return my angel to me so that I can once again feel like my life is complete. I know you do everything according to your timing, but you built the universe in six days. Your son has turned water in to wine, and he has walked on water as well. He has cured blindness in the two men, and he has healed people from terrible diseases. All I ask is for you to give me my friend back. Such an act would certainly be a miracle in my eyes. It is the most miraculous thing that could ever happen to me. It is the one and only thing I could ever ask for in this moment. I know that people get sick and die. I know that people move to the other side of the globe for work and become distant from their friends. I know that people experience memory loss or that people get into fights and arguments. None of the above happened between my friend and me. There was an unjust interference in our friendship. We desire to speak to one another. Please allow this desire to manifest and become reality. I am writing my wishes into existence. With today being Sunday, I will ask you for these same things once more when I enter your house of worship. You know that I ask for these things so frequently. I cross myself more than I have ever crossed myself before. The pain I feel can only be alleviated when my friend is brought back into my life. My sweet Lord, please listen to my prayers. Please give me a miracle. Give me a miracle.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I dreamt about you again last night. Dreaming about you seems to be a nightly thing. One thing about these dreams that I've been having is that I always know I can't talk to you. There has only been one dream or so where I actually spoke to you, and it felt surreal. I can't imagine a world where I never speak to you again. I can't imagine a future where you never speak words directed towards me ever again. I just can't imagine it. I can't wrap my mind around that concept at all. How can we take what we used to have and completely obliterate it? It doesn't make sense to me. Well, anyway, in this dream, you walked past me in a building, and you actually waved to me. You gave me a bit of a half smile, and you continued to walk in the opposite direction. It was such a magical interaction, yet it was almost nothing. I walked outside the building and waited for you to exit. To make it look like I was keeping myself occupied, I took out my phone and brought it up to my ear. I didn't even dial a phone number, but my grandfather's voice came out of the receiver. He was calling out to me. He was asking me where I am. There was a sense of urgency in his voice. At that point, I woke up. I find it ironic that, in my dream, I was able to remember that we don't talk but it didn't occur to me that my grandfather passed away years ago. You have altered my reality and my subconsciousness so significantly. I wish you knew just how much I'm hurting. I forgot what it means to be happy. I forgot the power of a smile. I forgot what it feels like to get out of bed with a sense of purpose. I have forgotten all of these things. All that matters in my life right now is you. You are all that mattered for a very long time. Knowing that you're so far away from me metaphorically is the most pain I have ever had to endure. We found a home in one another. One day, we were bold enough to stray away, and the eviction notice was posted immediately. I need you back. If you were standing next to me and I was drowning in a lake, would you save me? If you were walking down the street and you saw me get in a car crash, would you run up to my car to make sure I'm OK? I ask myself all of these questions. You seem so distant from me that I am not even sure if you remember who I am anymore. Lest we forget everything that we have been through. It would be such a shame to the soul and to the spirit. You can't forget. WE can't forget. We have to keep fighting for this. We can't give up now. We are too invested. We have come too far to call it quits. Please have some agency over your own decisions. Please. Please stop allowing others to plant seeds of doubt in your mind. Your mind is the most beautiful garden I have ever seen. I have never witnessed such colorful and redolent flowers before. Please don't let others fill it with weeds. It would be such an injustice for the both of us. I miss you. I miss you so much that you will never in a lifetime be able to grasp the severity with which I miss you. I love you so much. Your presence haunts me in my dreams, and I wake up feeling so poignant. Please come back to me. Please, God, allow my angel to return to me. Do it in the most impossible way so that there is no doubt that the hand of God is responsible for this marvel. Please. I am begging you. I beseech you. I implore you do this for me. Please save me.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

My soul is tired. That's the best way for me to put it. I have lost so much more than I have gained. I am all out of prayers. I am getting nothing in return for my tears and earnest requests. I am starting to wonder if this is something that will ever happen for me. I know that if I somehow have my prayers answered, all will be right in my world. The funny thing is that I am not even asking for much. What I have requested is such a small ask. All I want is my best friend back. That's all. That's literally it. The powers that be are not allowing me to have this very basic thing in my life. I am hurt beyond repair. The pieces of my heart will take a long time to mend. I hate moping and regarding myself in such a way. However, I can't help but utter the truth when it comes to my present feelings. This is a nightmare that makes any horror flick pale in comparison. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I have hypothesized pains that could potentially be worse than this, but I have yet to compile a tangible list. This is something that is affecting me spiritually, emotionally, and now, physically. I don't feel well. I am crumbling without you. I am not who I once was. I love you. I miss you.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

If only you knew how the tiniest sign would have the most profound effect on my mental health. It would instill in me a sense of hope. I am willing to wait. I just want to know that I won't be waiting for nothing. I don't want false hope. I want results. I want happiness. I want the restoration of love and peace. I want what I once had. I want what WE once had. I know the feelings, thoughts, and sentiments still exist out there in the cosmos. We just need to claim what is rightfully ours. I would sacrifice so much for you. I have thought about it so deeply and so sincerely. I will sacrifice everything for you. You have told me about some of the sacrifices that your family has made. You have also told me about how it's foolish to think that a person can't start over or that they can't start again with nothing later in their lives. I agree with you now. You have always been so insightful and intuitive. I suppose I was always just afraid. How can one not be afraid of the unknown? You have always commented on how when you would sit in front of me, you would admire me when I spoke so intelligently. I don't think you ever gave yourself enough credit. Your intelligence and wisdom surpasses that of any other I have ever encountered. I desire to continue to bask in your wise thoughts and sentiments. Having you next to me would be a dream come true for me. Why must it be a dream or a wish? Why must it be some fanciful thought? Why must it be some farfetched aspiration at this point? This is something that could very well be reality. How did our reality manage to alter so gravely? I can't stand it. I can't stand not talking to you. I can't stand not having you. The depths to which I'd travel to you are probably far beyond your comprehension at the moment. You're the only one who could take my pain away right now. No one but you could make me whole again. I can't begin to feel like myself once more until I know that I have you in my life. How does life permit such cruelty to take place? How is it possible that two best friends exist in the world, and yet, despite their desire for one another, they are forcefully not permitted to talk to one another or be with one another? I can't imagine how the universe permits such evil and cruelty to exist. I truly can't fathom it in the slightest. In a world where there is no one else with whom I'd rather be than you, I am left all by myself. It's just me and my thoughts here. I sit on the couch and think about all of the amazing things we used to have. I think about the laughter and the joy. I think about the confidence sought in one another. I think about the plans for the future. I think about the hypothetical scenarios. I think about how we are the only two who understand what happened between us, and we are the only two who will ever understand. Everyone else merely tries to fill in the gaps, but we know the whole nine yards. I miss you so much. Heaven knows how much you mean to me. I love you, my dearest one. I love you with every artery that my heart possesses. I wish to one day be able to hold my head against your heart again so I can hear the seventy three beats per minute in their rawness. You always told me that I have your complete heart. You have always had all of me, and not just my heart. My soul belongs to you. It is yours for the taking. Won't you just come and claim it?

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I think I may have asked you before if you have ever seen the movie 50 First Dates starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. In this movie, Drew Barrymore's character gets into a bad car accident, and she has memory loss as a result of it. Her character and Sandler's character start dating in the movie, and every morning, he has to remind her that they are dating. Her memory always reverts back to the day before her accident, I believe. I haven't seen the movie in many years. In any case, the reason I bring it up is because I want these posts to serve as a reminder in a way. I fear that we may go months if not years without speaking to one another. I am already devastated by your absence, but in the event that we go a prolonged period time without speaking, I want these posts to serve two purposes: 1. I want you to see that I haven't stopped loving you all of this time. I have been thinking about you fondly and deeply every single day. 2. In case you have lost sight of what we once had, I want these posts to remind you of everything that we have been through while also making up for lost time. I recall you telling me one day about why you keep asking me about my family and my whereabouts. You told me that the reason you ask so many questions and that you ask them so often is because, when we used to see each other regularly, you always knew what I was up to. When you couldn't see me regularly, this was your only way of knowing what I'm doing or what I'm up to. I want to still provide you with these constant updates so that, in the fortuitous event that we reconnect and that my heart is able to feel the privilege and power of your love again, I want you to know everything that I have done during the silence. In many ways, it hurts me so deeply to not know what you're doing. It hurt me in so many ways that I can't just reach out to you and make sure you're doing well. I can't say good morning to you as I used to. I can't wish you a goodnight. I can't look into your beautiful, brown eyes and tell you how much you mean to me. I can't do any of these things anymore. I truly can't think of a fate more cruel than this. I have ruminated what could potentially be worse than this, and I keep drawing blanks. In my opinion, nothing is worse than not having you in my life. This is a fate worse than death. At least, while I'm alive, there always exists the possibility of a reunion. There is a chance I'll see your smiling face again. There is the hope that I will get to feel the warmth of your hug again. There is the dream that you and I will create a beautiful future together. I believe it. I believe in it all. Believe me, I do. I just need you to believe it too. If I am lucky enough that you get to read all of these posts one day, I want you to know that I have never lost hope. I want you to know and acknowledge that there is this guy crazy enough about you that he took the time to write countless, undelivered communications for you. You have occupied the deepest recesses of my mind, and you will continue to do so until I take my dying breath. I never believed in soul mates until I met you. Now I know with absolute certainty that soul mates incontrovertibly exist. They do. They are us. I love what we are. I want us to continue being us. I don't want us to fall prey to what the world thinks we should be. Others' opinion should have no bearing on our happiness, our plans for the future, and what we think should be the result of our friendship. I need you so badly. My heart is in such pain. I drove around for at least an hour today, and I cried the whole time. I kept thinking about how every pedestrian who was looking at me must have thought something is wrong with me. They wouldn't be wrong to assume that. I haven't been this vulnerable ever before in my life. I had a long talk with God today. I had asked him for a sign yesterday, and he didn't give it to me. I love the sign he gave me on December 13th, but I got nothing yesterday. I prayed so much and so hard for it but to no avail.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I can't quite recall if I dreamt about you last night, but I can say with certainty that you were the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning. I couldn't help but reminisce about all of our interactions. I thought about the way you would talk to me and the way you used to look at me. I thought about the nicknames and the playful gestures. I thoughts about the promises for the future, and how I still want us to carry out the promises we made to one another. I thought about all of these things, and I couldn't help but weep. It's hard to wake up every morning, and the first thing you do is cry. I don't desire to feel this way anymore. I keep biting my nails and picking at my face. I have list a significant amount of wait, and my favorite foods don't taste the same anymore. I don't find enjoyment in the things that I once used to enjoy. My whole life has been turned upside down. As I have mentioned before, if I were to receive even the tiniest sign, I could breathe a sigh of relief. I just need to know that you still care about me. I need to know that your opinion of me hasn't changed. I need to know that you, too, have dreams to make this work between us in the future. As long as I know these things, I could rest easily. I assure you that I will give you the world when we reunite. I am willing to sacrifice everything for you. I love you so much, my dear. If only you knew the extent of my love. I am so glad I had the opportunity to express to you how much I love you on so many occasions. It's the one thing I knew how to do best. My problem is that I never purchased myself a guide on how to mend a broken heart. I fear that, even if such a guide existed, it wouldn't work on me even if I were to read it cover to cover. The only thing that would restore me back to the person I used to be is if I had you back in my life. If I sacrificed everything I have in order to have you back, I want you to believe that it would make me a better person. Saying all of this, I must also admit that I found God in the process. I always had God, but now I have found Him on a deeper level. You always questioned me on why I'd go to church. You always wanted to make sure that I had a valid reason and that I wasn't doing it out of guilt or to appease anyone else. I can confidently say that, now, I am going to church to pray for us. I have never prayed for anything so deeply before in my life. If there is one thing I desire the most, it's you. It will always be you. I will always remember the way you made me feel. This is a feeling that is so hard to express. It's ineffable. I knew immediately your beauty, charm, wit, intelligence, charisma, pureness, and compatibility. I believe that you were privy to all of these things as well. For this reason, please do continue to pray for us. Please don't stop praying, and don't lose hope. I will never lose hope. How could I ever give up on the one person who made me feel whole? You have no idea the influence that you've had on me. I love you. I love you a million times. How it hurts me so to not be able to tell you in person anymore. I am in such pain. I wish I could convey the pain, but I can't. This has become a literal pain, and I wish I had a cure. I know the cure. The cure is you. You are my panacea. Having you in my life would restore me to the best version of myself. Please return to me. Please, God. Please grant her the strength to fight for us and continue to believe in us. I believe that, through your omniscience and omnipotence, it will happen.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

I can't stop thinking about all of the wonderful memories we made. I can't stop thinking about the moments we shared. All of it is so beautiful. The connection was there from the start. From the moment we started talking to one another, I felt like I have known you for a hundred years. I know that you felt the same way too. You have always said to me, "I love loving you," or "it feels so natural to love you." This is what happens when you have a twin flame connection. What we had wasn't a joke. It wasn't an accident. It wasn't some random coincidence that we ended up under the same roof and formed this bond. It happens through divine orchestration. Whether you wish to thank God or the universe for this orchestration and synchronicity is a different story. Soulmates always find each other. They do. Now that I know you exist, connecting with you again is half the battle. Imagine if we never met? I would keep living my life thinking that this is the best that it gets. What a joke that would be. Now that I have found you, I know just how good life can be. As I have mentioned to you before, you're the closest to heaven that I have ever been. Being with you was equivalent to spending time in God's heavenly kingdom. I know it sounds cheesy, and I know it's hyperbole, but this is honestly how I feel. As you can imagine, your absence feels like the total opposite of heaven. It angers me that people don't understand what we had. It angers me that everyone wants to get in the way. It infuriates me that we can't carry on with our lives by doing the very things that bring us so much joy and pleasure. I want to be there for your biggest milestones. I want to continue giving you gifts. I want to see you succeed and smile. I want you to publicly acknowledge me as the person in your life that you love the most. You have said as much to me. You told me you love me more than anyone. You told me that I was your number one guy. You told me that you would rather spend time with me than anyone else. You told me that you wanted me to be only yours. I still have the correspondence saved. I read it over when I begin to doubt myself or question that these things really happened. They happened. They did. I am not crazy or delusional. I need you back. I need you back so badly. I will give you the world. You better believe that I will give you the whole world. Please come back to me. Please don't ever forget about me. Please don't lose sight of what we had. Please remember all of the goodness in me. Please, my love. It's all so important to me. It's so important that you continue to think of me in the most positive light. I mean it with all my heart. It's taking everything I have in me to not pick up the phone and call your or text you. I can look at my phone for hours a day desiring to do just that, but I know that I can't. Please remember me fondly. Please continue to cherish what we have been through as I am continuing to cherish everything. I need you so badly. You are my best friend. I will never have another like you. Please don't run away. Please stay. There is nothing I want more in this moment than you. You can answer all of my prayers and solve all of my problems. Please, my love. How I wish I could just say all of these things directly to you. You deserve to hear and read all of these things. You do. I love you. I love you so much. I have never loved someone the way that I love you. I mean it. Please come back to me. Come back to the person who has so much love for you and wishes to carry out the most beautiful promises for you. I will always be here waiting. I am not going anywhere. If there is a chance of you returning to me, I will always stay right here. I love you.

[fragilecapricornconfessions]

With each passing day, I run the risk that you will eventually forget me. A day might come when you won't care about me anymore, and I will disappear from your consciousness. I fear the most that this day will happen because I know that I will never forget you, so should this happen, I will be thinking about you all by my lonesome. I am confident that you will never forget about me. There is no way either one of us can forget what we have been through. However, I fear that you will begin to think of me less fondly. I am worried that you will lose this attachment and that you will eventually find that this connection is bringing you more heartache than pleasure. Perhaps you will begin to practice denial and find that having me in your life is something you'd rather make a thing of the past. This thought hurts me so deeply. You haven't made a single effort to get in touch with me. You haven't given me a single sign. Not even the proverbial smoke signal. There has been nothing. Instead, I am left here alone with my dangerous imagination. All I can do is hope, pray, and imagine. It would be nothing short of a miracle to have something concrete. I want to know that you're doing OK. I want to know that you're still thinking of me. I would love to know that you are willing to wait until the dust settles so that we can continue this beautiful friendship. This isn't fair. This isn't fair at all to me. I am in so much pain. Just send me a tiny sign. That's all I ask for right now. I need to know you're OK. When you have so much love for someone in your heart, you desire to know that he/she is doing OK. I just want to know that all is well in your world. I want to know that you're getting by without too many issues. It hurts me so much to know that you're a text or a phone call away, but I can't do anything about it at all. This is beyond painful for me. At this point, I don't think it's too farfetched that I may die of a broken heart. I don't think it's farfetched at all. Please, my love. Send me anything. Anything at all. I pray to God once more. Please allow my love and my best friend to send me anything letting me know that she is doing well and that she desires to see me again and speak to me again. Please do this much for me. It would mean the world to me. It would alleviate so many of my worries. It would allow my heart to rest momentarily. Please, God. Please do this for me. Please do this for one of your devout followers and believers. I am begging you with all the energy I could conjure up.