fredbydawn

[fredbydawn]

everyday I pray Zillow makes a comment section

[fredbydawn]

Just cuz I wanna be a bitch, here’s some especially stupid things an ex-friend of mine said that continue to rattle my brain:

When we would hang out I joke about us being “just two southerners” cuz they were from Texas and I grew up in Maryland. Now do I actually consider myself southern? No, but depending on how you look at it, Maryland is sometimes considered part of the south. My friend would say that I’m absolutely not southern. When I asked what they would consider a southern state I offered the Carolinas as examples and they said they didn’t think the Carolinas were part of the south either. I asked they what states they did consider southern and they said, and I quote, “any state below the Mason-Dixon line.” Now, I don’t know what kind of geography they teach in Texas, but for those otherwise unaware, the Mason-Dixon line is the border between Maryland and Pennsylvania (and also Delaware and what is now West Virginia, but you get the idea), the Carolinas both also being south of this line.

This friend also thought I was pretentious for knowing a handful of phrases in other languages. Now maybe this is just something my family does, but we tend to just casually use phrases from other languages in conversation. My dad will use Russian cuz he has a fascination with the Russian revolution (high keys he might be autistic but that’s a story for another day), my mom will use Yiddish or Hebrew cuz her stepdad growing up was Jewish and her two youngest siblings are also Jewish, and we all know at least a handful of phrases in French and Spanish. It’s not like I would be holding whole conversations in another language, but this ex-friend, who I once again feel the need to emphasize, spent 19 and a half years of their life in Texas, would be completely baffled by “mañana” and “mi madre” which they would chalk up to me knowing cuz ‘I could afford fancy languages lessons’ even though I had mostly just learned them from like Dora and library books as a kid. I was also just friends with kids growing up who were bilingual and who spoke Spanish at home, something evidently this friend didn’t do.

One time I was reminiscing about film photography, which I had taken as an art credit in senior year of High School, and they said “I always wondered how they got the pictures off the SD card before computers were invented.” To which, of course, I said, “Huh?” “You know the SD card.” “Yes,” I said, “the SD card that holds the pictures on digital cameras.” “Well how did they get the pictures off the SD cards on film cameras?” This person was 20 years old and thought that film cameras, which we’ve had since like, the Civil War, stored photographs on Secure Digital memory cards.

This friend was, and presumably still is, in college. They are taking a World Wars class for a History credit. One day they called me up to say “Hey, did you know that Franz Ferdinand was a real person and not just a band? And that his murder started World War 1? And that everyone blamed Germany for the conflict after the war?” And I said yes, I did know that. They asked how I knew that. Again, I don’t know what they teach in Texas, but at the risk of sounding like a northern elite or intelligentsia, I told them the truth, which is that I had learned that in 7th grade.

And you may be wondering, what is this ex-friend of mine going to college for, specifically. They are going to college to become an elementary school teacher.

[fredbydawn]

i love to make fun of notorious white woman Taylor Swift and all of her embarrassing attempts to appear deeper than a plate of soup.

[fredbydawn]

[fredbydawn]

this carpet 😍

[fredbydawn]

taxco mexican silver

[fredbydawn]

youy momma so MARIO she jumps for joy when she gets the gold coin!

[fredbydawn]

Meanwhile, on the boxed set of Twin Peaks I paid $49.99 for with the worst captioning I've seen in my life

[fredbydawn]

Would you give a dog a gun if it had a really cool holster for it

i would give a dog a gun nomatter what

[fredbydawn]

[fredbydawn]

never ask a woman her age a man his salary your mutual how late it is in her timezone when she starts posting about that bisexual man

[fredbydawn]

[fredbydawn]

i gave him some silvervine and he sat like this for 5 minutes straight until i gave him some more

[fredbydawn]

In the same way that plants get their energy directly from the sun, I get my gender directly from the 2002 Disney animated feature film Treasure Planet, I hope this helps

#that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is very genderful

[fredbydawn]

for a school project…

[fredbydawn]

Not to drunk-post, cuz frankly the last time was embarrassing, but it’s truly astonishing the way two simple buzzballs and a Mike’s hard can make you wanna make posts like “man, the current government and economic model we have really sucks, I think we should [PHRASING THAT WILL GET YOU PUT ON A GOVERNMENT WATCHLIST FOR SURE]” ya know?

#aaaaaaaand goodnight

[fredbydawn]

The hiccups have reached critical mass, comrades. I fear the worst…

Hiccups should be like loose teeth where you just age out of them, cuz having hiccups at the age of 26… humiliating. I may never recover. The type of actions of a red nosed cartoon character from the 50’s, and baby I’m Boo-Boo the fool

#the SECOND I’m done with this pizza I’m going straight to bed cuz UUUUUUUHHHHHGGGGG #don’t drink kids.