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Praying to the Absurd

I don’t pray super regularly, but when I do, I usually start off by telling God that he is absurd.

I think it started out as a defense mechanism. A big hindrance I have in embracing religion is that I’m worried that people will think me foolish.  Who are these people, you may ask? Well, the thing about it is that I don’t really know. Mostly, they’re these vague, intellectual archetypes who exist solely in my head, but for some reason I try to win their approval. The issue is that I deeply desire to be perceived as smart, the key word there being “perceived.” I desire much more to be perceived as smart than to actually besmart, which is something I’m working on.

My defensive impulse to these imaginary intellectuals is to have a reasoned response as to why I am pursuing a relationship with God, but I have no such thing. I know, I know, the God’s Not Dead franchise settled that once and for all, but alas, I do not have their certainty. Must be nice.

So yes, calling God absurd is a way to make myself feel sane as I talk to an invisible deity. However, recently I’m finding it easier to move beyond that. I’m more OK with not having logical reasons for believing in God. In fact, I’m actually getting pretty cozy with the idea.

“But the contradictions!” I know, Imaginary Intellectuals. I see them, they’re there, and I don’t know what to make of them. Yet, here I am.

So if it’s becoming less of a security blanket, why continue dwelling on the absurdity of God? Well, mainly, it prevents my faith from becoming too rigid. Embracing absurdity helps me abandon pretense, opens me up to the mystery of God, and keeps me spiritually hungry. It helps me rid myself of the question, “Is there a God?” which I spent most of my teen years and early 20’s asking. It’s really not an interesting question at all, yet for some reason I cling to it.

But once I let go of the question of whether or not there’s a God, I’m able to start asking better questions. I do not expect to find answers to these questions. And if I do find answers, they’ll probably come with 100 more questions. And you know, I think that’s kind of exciting!

So when I pray, I spend a few seconds meditating on God’s absurdity before proceeding with the rest of the prayer. There is never a resolve. I never say, “God, you are absurd, but…”

God is absurd. Amen. Moving on.