gavrochethegamin

[gavrochethegamin]

The end is but the beginning

First, I’m amazed this account is still around and that I can still access it! And then there should be a response for my long absence if anyone is even interested anymore. The internet is such a funny creature and what was once important vanishes in a few days if not kept up. I can’t expect it to be of much interest after this long gone.

I miss tumblr. I miss this account to my bones. I miss rping with a creative and close group. There isn’t a day that goes by (and I truly mean that) that I don’t count myself lucky for having interacted with the many people I did. The OOC chats on AIM are not forgotten. I worry about some of those I left behind so abruptly because I know their lives were not in good places. I wish I could have done more. I hope they are well. I hope they are thriving.

As for me, I am too sick to participate in such a group any longer. I couldn’t keep dragging it out and so I do what I always have done: I fade away. Like a shadow. Like Gav. There in your face and then *gone*. My illness isn’t killing me. I’m not wasting away. Nothing so horribly dramatic that I would have dreamt up for myself in my feens. :D However, it has stolen my life in small ways. It has worn at me like water - steady and persistent. I simply no longer have energy to create. Most days it is a struggle to think much less *do* anything. Just walking takes concentration I never thought about. Such is the arrogance of youth and the able. May none of you ever have to deal with such issues. Words stutter through my mind where once I conjured them with ease. What I once took for granted I see slipping through my fingers and it saddens me. Perhaps, someday, I will be well enough to find another group and return to rp. Perhaps, someday, I will be well enough to write some more from Gav’s POV. I do miss him.

I was asked once upon a time, by several different people on several different occasions why I chose Gav. My first answer remains true, if not the truest: At the time of my joining I was a happily married 40 year old who was trying very hard to fit into the woman’s body I was issued at birth. As of now I am a (still) happily married 42 year old trans-man who is working through the issues around transitioning later in life. I didn’t want my character getting even remotely romantically involved with anyone else because I didn’t know the ages of the people behind the characters. That to me is just asking for all sorts of squick and I have boundaries I’m not willing to cross for RP or not.

The actual answer is far more complicated. Yes, what I’ve stated is true but there is also the fact that my first character that I ever created (at the ripe age of 9) bears a strong resemblance to Gavroche but he was and is his own creature. Over the years he’s changed, evolved, and developed because really how deep and meaningful is a 9 year old’s character ever going to be? All these years later and all the damage I’ve given to him I still can’t rid myself of him. I suppose my characters are more my children than anything else. I’ve never wanted or had any of my own. :D I do believe that both Charles Dickens and Victor Hugo implanted themselves in my brain far more than I ever imagined as I look back on my various characters. Damn them. (Not really.)

This is, in a way a goodbye I should have given properly to those I cared for so deeply and so long ago. I am going to come back here now that I know it’s still around to poke around and look at things, but Gav is for all intents and purposes as gone as ever. If you want my real e-mail address feel free to leave me a message and I’ll send it to you, but I cannot promise that I will be able to respond quickly or often or even coherently as I’d like. This alone has taken me far more time to compose and I’m tired. 

[gavrochethegamin]

((I am finally back.))

((Sorry for being gone so very long but things just sort of happened. This week I finally get furniture after a month long wait in a nearly empty apartment. Yay for moving! Ugh.

I miss my sister and her family but it's good to have my own space and time. I can't be on all the time, but I will certainly be on now and able to do things and chat with people.

I'd try to catch up on what's going on but it's been so long I think I won't be able to do that. Besides, I know les Amis and I know they're the most wonderfully smutty bunch of people I've ever met. Which means I probably haven't missed much from Gav's POV. XD

Starting from today my time available will be roughly every 4 days which means that every four days is when I'll spend the most time on and be able to really dedicate myself to this account. 

I'm so glad to be back. I've missed you all and can't wait to catch up.))

[gavrochethegamin]

Barricade Day

((This is a repost and I am completely unashamed at admitting such. What changes I’ve made are minor and in keeping with the character for this day.))

Eponine was dead.

Running as fast as his legs could carry him the gamin did not feel the accompanying rush of joy or bounding freedom that he often associated with such journeys. Gavroche’s instinct was to put as much distance as he could between himself and his sister’s lifeless body. How could he move and breathe while she lay so unnaturally still?

I’ll never hear her sing again.

That thought spurred him on and his eyes stung, but whether it was with exertion or this new and overwhelming realization was beyond saying. His lungs blazed brightly and the agony gradually migrated into the pit of his stomach. And yet his legs moved though he wanted to do nothing but collapse.

  How often I teased her to distraction.

How often I teased her about Marius.

How often I teased her for her singing.

  All he could see was her large dark eyes and her smiling lips. All he could feel was how immeasurably vast the world seemed and how truly insignificant he was without the one person he loved above any other he ever knew. His bright star had fallen to the earth. She would be buried and his heart would follow her to the grave.

The errand was a blur. He remembered Cosette’s father giving him advice about not returning to the barricade, but by that point Gavroche was beyond listening. The ragged boy had only half heeded the well-intended advice, but he needed to return to his sister. He could not and would not abandon Eponine’s body to the ungentle mercies of the hyenas that roamed the streets; he would not see her carted off and sold as some cadaver for a rich student to rip apart. The world had finally taken everything that he valued.

I’ll be damned if they take that too.

There was nothing more the child wanted to do but to keen and shriek, but he wouldn’t allow himself that extravagance. There was no time. He was weary from the journey he had made and from the grief that sat in his bones. As the flood of exhaustion and pain began to gnaw at his soul he felt his own descent that night. He could not live without her, but he would not give up hope for his friends. They still needed him for a little while longer. He couldn’t rest. It wasn’t time.

The break of dawn brought no relief as the sun burned red and streaked the sky with a rosy haze. Gavroche didn’t often enjoy beauty for its own sake, but he was captivated by such a striking sunrise. It was only fitting that Eponine would bring such an exquisite sky to look down upon them after a wretchedly endless night of misery and rain.

The peace did not last and with the break of day the war started fresh and merciless. The people had abandoned them, but this did not surprise the gamin. He didn’t expect most of the populace to be as brave and daring as those with whom he associated. Inside the inn, the Amis were taking stock of the situation and the wild child of the streets overhead their murmurs of concern. They were running out of ammunition.

Beyond the barricade were the bodies of the fallen soldiers. Perhaps once he would have been morbidly curious about the corpses, but now they were so much meat with belongings his friends and he could use.  The boy knew what needed to be done and without asking for permission he grabbed a basket from the inn. He was willing to risk everything to save his brothers-in-arms.

Gavroche was over the barricades before any of the students could react properly. Confident in his youth, the daring boy pulled off his cap and signaled to his friends to show that he was safe even as they urgently ushered him back to the safety of their faction. Instead of words to reassure his friends he smiled and was in that moment transcendent. He was no longer of the earth and his smile was a smile of the gloriously damned.

  Watch me now Eponine. Watch me fly.

  Battle smoke still clouded the ground and covered him. He didn’t have much time, but he didn’t need much for what he was going to do. Just as he began to creep through the bodies and recover ammunition from the fallen a round of gunfire exploded around him. Unhurt, he blinked away the fear and stood up in defiance of the guard. They would not make him run in fear. He would face them bravely with scorn upon his lips.

The guardsmen met the traitor with another explosive volley, but Gavroche was unperturbed and began to sing his disdain.

  “They’re ugly a Nanterre,

It’s the fault of Voltaire;

And stupid at Palaiseau,

It’s the fault of Rousseau.”

  He’d lost count of the shots fired at him, but his song seemed to draw more ire as another bullet sped his way and narrowly missed him. This stroke of luck caused him to become very cocky. He was fast, he was brilliant and he felt vibrant.

The mockery kept on and he reveled in the moment. The intoxication of simultaneous fear and exuberance buoyed him and brought new verses to his lips.

  “I’m no lawyer, I declare,

It’s the fault of Voltaire.

I’m nothing but a sparrow,

It’s the fault of Rousseau.”

  How long this went on he wasn’t sure. Gavroche rode each wave like an ecstatic given some fresh insight. He could feel his sister beside him as he taunted and teased. He could feel the anxiety from his brothers and would now and then wave to them in jubilation to raise their spirits. If only they could see the world the way he did this moment of his life. The sharp colors that shown so intense that his eyes ached from the beauty. He felt each of his steps and every exhale of breath with sudden new clarity.

  “Joy is my character,

It’s the fault of Voltaire;

Misery is my trousseau,

It’s the fault of Rousseau.”

  Just as a bird learning to take flight can be cut down by a cat so too can a gamin fall and plunge to the earth. The game was drawing to its inevitable conclusion.

A well placed bullet finally caught the lad and he felt himself fall. It was a unique sensation this burning and stinging. Somewhere behind him he could hear the men on the barricade cry with one voice and it saddened him that he could not make them happier. He had failed them. He had failed his sister. But he would not fall meekly to the side or crawl back for safety. Not Gavroche. The urchin struggled to sit upright and that’s when he felt the wet covering his face. Vaguely he wondered if what he felt was merely more rain or if Eponine’s tears were washing down upon him.

  I’m coming home ‘ponine.

The worst is over.

I will never go away.

And we will be together every day.

  Those soldiers who saw him were met not with anger or bitterness but a silvery peal of laughter. The child who loved his liberty more than his life remained his own creature to the end. He had chosen this end and it was fitting that he should go away now. Even then, at his last, the final echoes of his song filled the vacated street.

  “I have fallen, I swear

It’s the fault of Voltaire,

Or else this hard blow

Has been dealt by . . .”

  A second bullet found its way home and the boy fell backward with a smile on his lips.

  One bullet for ‘ponine and another for me.

  Darkness overtook him and he stirred no more.

Gavroche woke with a start, drenched in cold sweat and realizing that what he heard was the sound of his own plaintive keening.

This dream had plagued him now for a long time, but today more than ever he wished he could seek solace in any one of his friends, search out Eponine, or even settle for the cold comfort of finding his father. Anything would be better than being alone, but instead of acting the child did nothing but sing the song that haunted his dreams and curled back into the rags that served as bedding. Sleep would not fully reclaim him for it was too close to dawn, but today he’d arise with the sun and burn away these morbid dreams in the morning’s gleaming rays. Perhaps he’d even find some of the Amis or even ‘parnasse and make sure they were all well and safe.

  ((I don’t read or speak French. The translations of the song from the book I’ve used from several sources but they are not mine and I do not claim ownership of them.))

#barricade day #lol it-was-all-a-dream #but gavroche really will die someday #bright cheery thoughts for June 6th #reprinting old posts is cheating but that's Gav's way

[gavrochethegamin]

(Still Kicking)

(But not present. I've tried and tried to come back because I love it here and I love writing. However, I've come to realize that I simply do not have the time. I am not leaving - not yet, but I probably will be gone until I can move. This means I won't be /active/ again until August or so. I am very sorry for this. I do intend to be around for June 5/6/7th stuff and I need to touch base on AIM before then if I have time. My days are full of being an emotional support and while I don't like being away I do need to step up and be involved with real life situations. Namely my sister needs me and I have to be there for her no matter what. Just know I miss you guys and I think about this place a /lot/. I've been feeling like I should say something I just didn't know what because at this point it feels like excuse after excuse when it's not intended to be that way. <3 you all SO much. Thank you for not dropping me for being gone. Be well and I hope that before too long I'll have more time to devote to the people here and the writing I long to do.)

[gavrochethegamin]

I'm not dead! But I did get really sick n it wasn' pretty n the woman what wanted me ta help her needs more help. She's got somefing called an autoimmune disease n she needs lots n'lots'n'lots of help right now what wif her house and her kids. Her husband's a great guy and he's doin' what he can, but everyone pretty much needs to pull together right now.

They keep sayin' it's MS but I dunno what tha' is. I should ask Joly. 

I'm missin' you guys, but life is life an' I gotta help where and how I can.

#not to make light of ms as my other sister also has it #ic explanations are sometimes awkward #but thank you to everyone for not just abandoning me #things are very busy here and I do plan on coming back once I have time to breathe

[gavrochethegamin]

When it rains. . .

Turns out the kid who is like my age has got pneumonia. I'm so sorry Joly. I won't be comin' near you anytime soon an' I'm really hopin' I don' get it none, but he won't stay in bed.

I keep tellin' him he should be sleepin' but he jus' does what he wants. Nuthin' like me. I do everythin' I'm told all the time. Don't go lookin' at me like tha! Okay, so mebbe I don', but the point is I do stay in my elephant when I'm bad off an' I don't walk around hacking an' wheezin' an' contaminatin' everyone else.

He keeps complainin' of being tired, but he won't go ta sleep. Tha' doesn't make no sense ta me. He should be in bed. He should be stayin' in bed an' not gettin' out of his room, but his da doesn't care and keeps tellin' me tha' it's okay so it's okay an' there ain't nuthin' ta do fer it. Except he comes down to where I'm stayin' and hacks, an wheezes aroun' me.

I had pneumonia once years ago afore Joly knew me. It nearly killed me. I don't want it again. I lost so much weight an my parents jus' sort of ignored me. They took me to the doctor once but tha' was it. Mostly I just stayed in a bundle of blankets. I really don' want it again.

I wish this kid had  half a brain.

Oh yeah and he's been visitin' his mum in the hospital. Guess he won' be goin' now. Ugh. I hope he didn' get no one else sick.

#seriously the guy won't stay in bed and hacks and shit all over #and his dad is home for the week and tells me it's just fine #i do not want pneumonia again the first time really did nearly kill me #why is this guy not in bed or confined to his room? #i want this week to be over already can it be over?

[gavrochethegamin]

Lots of things are happenin' right now, but the main thing is this really good friend of mine wot has kids wound up in the hospital a little while ago. She's okay, but it's made things kinda crazy in her real life. So I'm takin' care of her kids (so weird) and hangin' out at her house, but it doesn't give me a lot of time ta come over an chat wif anyone.

There's a lot of waitin' goin' on an' while the kids are older my friend she doesn't want 'em alone much at all. Cuz, y'know I'm so responsible an' the boy is my age or close enow to it tha' we really wouldn' get into any sort a trouble or nuthin'. Really. An' asides, she's kinda sorta the kinda parent what is all really involved in their lives. Unlike, y'know, my parents who I wish cared half as much good for nuthin' rats fer parents.

It's a pretty posh job, but I'd still like to see her come home soon. It's wonderful and all to be here, but I know everyone misses her an' would like ta see her in better health.

An, Joly, you don' got nuthin' ta worry about. She ain't got a disease. It's some internal issue with her foot an' she's had tons of tests done. They say she ain't contagious so when ya see me next you don't gotta freak out over that. Okay?

I miss you guys. I gotta get back to life though. Stay well! Stay healthy! An' if'n somethin' is givin' ya pain or makin' ya sick fer longer than a week an it don't get better try ta go to a doctor or sumthin'. This kinda shows me tha' even my friends wot are better off still can't afford doctors as much as they should. It makes me sad.

See you all later!

#seriously ooc busy #everything is fine with her but i'm helping hold down the fort #miss you all so much! #hope she comes home soon because i don't have time to be online

[gavrochethegamin]

Someday I'll have more time for this place. I keep holding out hope, but it keeps gettin' taken away. Trust me though, when I gots time I'll let you all know what I been about. It's good stuff. Not really good but eh, nuthin' ya gotta worry about.

#like seriously can i stab rl now? #i am so sick of real life #real life can suck balls

[gavrochethegamin]

This. Is. Funny. It made me laugh. I haven't been laughing enough, but I come on here and I always find sumthin' tha' makes me laugh. Good job Cozz! Good job! :D

[[im crfy„]]

[gavrochethegamin]

This is old news I'm sure, but I thought I'd post it up here for people to see while I have the chance.

I encountred Bossuet today! Jehan and Courf an' everyone was there an' I came in and there he was wif everyone.

You can find him under my "These are my People" page or you can just go directly here:

http://bssuet.tumblr.com/

#yay a bossuet #bssuet #go say hi if you haven't

[gavrochethegamin]

So, I don't got lots of time ta be aroun' today, but someone gave my birthday up to everybody. 

I guess I don' mind it none because my friends is basically my family an' they're always decent ta me. Even Freckle. I don' know why he puts up with me, but he does. Probably because he's Funny Freckle tha' way.

Thanks fer all the birthday wishes! I'm having a great day but I've got tons more stuff ta do. I hope I gets ta see everyone soon!

#yes he's twelve #just a casual reminder he dies at the age of twelve #this is his last birthday canonically #but no i am not killing him off so there #dear lords help us when he becomes a teenager #thanks for all the birthday wishes!

[gavrochethegamin]

Happy birthday little trouble maker, hope you have a good one. I'm leaving some fresh food for you and the boys in your elephant as a gift, there's quite a lot. Have fun Gav

The brats an’ I kind already started devouring it afore I saw this note. Oops. 

R, thanks fer lookin’ out fer me an’ the kiddos! It’s much ‘preciated. This is turnin’ out ta be the best birthday like ever. I think I like bein’ twelve.

#grantairethecynical #ic replies #birthdays are awesome after all

[gavrochethegamin]

Gavroche, don't think I forgot what today is. I will help organize one practical joke of your choosing against one person of your choosing, provided that it is within legal boundaries. Happy birthday, kid. - Courfeyrac

Best. Present. Ever. 

Freckle the Frog. Obviously.

Anything involving him having to get into a dress and parade about would be hilarious. I figure the rest of you seem to like it an’ he prolly wouldn’t so it’d be funny. Better yet if it was done and Cosette could see and laugh at him. 

You’re the best Courf! Thanks!

#monsieur-de-courfeyrac #ic replies #birthdays are awesome after all

[gavrochethegamin]

He does not suffer from the joy famine, our dear revolutionary gamin. Happy birthday Gavroche! I hope you have a wonderful day and we'll all be eager to see you to wish you happy birthday in person. you are a busy little fellow though, so I hope that Heroic Couplet makes up for me if I do not see you.-Jehan

What on earth is all this?

I’m busy and somehow my friends have found out that I was born today twelve years ago and left home, geez, four now. I’ve been out of the hell hole for four years! You guys have been the best family ever ever. Well, no, first and always will be Eppie but I don’t think none of you will be upset over tha’!

Thanks fer the birthday wishes! Still wanna know who ratted me out. Prolly dad or Monty or mebbe even Eppie. I’ll have to snoop aroun’ when I’m finally back.

(I will be back! I will! Not tomorrow, but I think I’m finally free on Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed.)

#jehanprouvaire-thepoet #ic replies #gonna find out who told on me #but birthdays are pretty damn awesome

[gavrochethegamin]

Oh my god, Gavroche, that's the best birthday card I've ever seen

If'n yer serious I dunno how ta feel. On the one hand I wanna be all "lookitwhatidid isn't it so wonderful how many people like it?" but I don't know. I mean, I look at it and it seems kinda bad. Like it ain't pretty what Jehan does an' it ain't all classy like I imagine something Cozz would do. But I guess it's pretty good!

Thanks so much fer likin' it! I don' get the feelin' Freckle liked it very much. But then again I didn' really make it fer him so much as fer everyone ta laugh at him on his birthday.

[gavrochethegamin]

You're welcome! I'm glad you like it! :D

A Birthday Card For Marius

I’ve been missing everything, but I made a card for Marius’s birthday. I don’t think he’ll like it, but I dont’ care because he’s Freckle the Funny Frog. I hope everyone else likes it though!

#gavroche the little shit #but he's funny so I will keep him #m-mariuspontmercy

[gavrochethegamin]

A Birthday Card For Marius

I've been missing everything, but I made a card for Marius's birthday. I don't think he'll like it, but I dont' care because he's Freckle the Funny Frog. I hope everyone else likes it though!

#happy birthday freckle the funny frog #no one cares about your lonely soul #see? it's red the blood of angry men #the color of your soul on fire #but she's not there marisu no she's not #m-mariuspontmercy