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This feels so wrong, to smile like this unconsciously. I have long bid farewell to this feeling and sensation. How come you slowly creep your way back again like a plague.

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Self love is not always easy. It can be challenging and not fun at the time, but your future self will thank you!

Chibird store | Positive pin club | Instagram

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Ang ganda ko. Sheeesh <3

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Here me out on this,

Okay, so the thing with Earl resurfaced again. Not the type you could imagine tho, Kasi remember when I told that my cousin admittedly told me na before me, ang kalandian daw ni Earl is a guy. So, I felt betrayed. We've been talking for months, he could have told me. And I'll understand. Tapos every time nalang, di nagmi-meet both schedule namin. Kasi before my cousin told me that, Earl invited me na mag hangout after the new year. I distanced myself, thinking na I couldn't date someone who is not sure about himself, kasi baka it would come and bite me back in the future. And I don't know, a lot has happened last year. The insecurities, me, not being sure if kaya ko ba panindigan pakikipag date. It was stupid. I wasn't able to give Earl the exact energy he was giving me. I was rather unaffectionate. I couldn't keep up with our convos tapos I told him pa na I would always communicate to him kapag things aren't going as we had hoped. The connection was weak, but he was one the most wholesome person I had known.

Pero you know, at the back of this story, at that time, it was January, I was still willing to go kapag inaya niya ako. I would still want to get to know him in person. For the longest time, he was the only one na nakausap ko ng matino. The biggest problem with me is I never take initiative. I was always scared na mag first move. The fear of rejection na baka mapahiya ako if I were to make a first move. I should have even given him some hint. Pero what I didn't. I wish I could have though, para walang misunderstanding. And even when things didn't work out between us, he could have been my friend.

The last convo we have is a week after his birthday. It was January rin. Siguro last week of the month. He sent a reel. I even doubted if para ba sa'kin yun kasi baka wrong sent lang. I said sorry for not greeting him on his birthday kahit na ang lame ng palusot ko, kasi I viewed his IG story that time. It was full of greetings for him. Sinabi ko na, I didn't know it was his birthday until Nakita ko na ng late yung facebook notif about it.

I accepted all of it naman. I have a big contribution about this whole thing, why it didn't worked. And the last straw was his IG story. It was not in the close friends. Pero he hard launched his date. It was a candlelit dinner sa unit niya. With steak (ang sarap ng steak). I somehow felt down that time upon seeing it. But I am happy for him. He deserves all the love and affection and I hope she wouldn't hurt him, at least not purposely.

So that was the story and this whole thing resurfaced again kasi my cousin messaged me saying na it was fake news daw. Yung kinwento niya sa'kin noong new year's eve. He was straight daw. Like, ano pang magagawa ko? The timing is off again and I couldn't turn back time. I'll just let things be. Let these things be as the Lord's will.

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Reddit Post:

I don't know if this is normal. I grew up in an average family. Di kami mayaman pero di naman kami naghihikaos. Alam kong mahirap kitain ang pera kaya as much as possible ayokong magsabi sa magulang ko kapag may kailangan ako lalo pag alam kong mas may importante kaysa dun sa ipapabili ko.

Ngayon, nagiguilty ako na may pinabili akong mahal na gamit. Alam kong kailangan ko yun pero parang kaya ko naman na kahit wala. Pero dahil nabili na wala na akong magagawa. Parang gusto ko isauli sa pinagbilhan namin. Ayoko lang na sinasabi nila na okay lang kahit nahihirapan na pala sila para bayaran yun.

Is this normal? Why do I always feel guilty of buying things for myself and when I receive things for myself?

Things I Couldn't Afford Now and The Guilt that Comes With It

I didn't realize I needed to hear this more than I could ever think. Kasi truly, I never really purchased something na masasabi kong "want" ko talaga without thinking if it really is necessary. Growing up, I could hardly think na binilihan ako ng bagay just because. Without the reason na para sa school, dahil sa school. It's always either of the two. I could understand din naman from the perspective of my parents. I just can't help but think sometimes na oo nga noh. I wish we could afford din gaya ng iba who could spend without worrying. Without feeling guilty at the expense na yung oras, pagod, puyat ng magulang ko yung kapalit nung binili nila para sakin. It was not easy. This is the main reason I can't just give up fighting for that comfortable life na gusto kong ibigay sa family ko. I'll keep this thought as a motivation to keep moving, to never stop dreaming, and to always look at the good things in everything. Kasi gusto ko someday, mabigay ko sa kanila yun. Not because I am obliged, but because I love them. And sobra-sobra yung love na binigay nila samin ng kapatid ko, growing up.

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Things I Couldn't Afford Now and The Guilt that Comes With It

I didn't realize I needed to hear this more than I could ever think. Kasi truly, I never really purchased something na masasabi kong "want" ko talaga without thinking if it really is necessary. Growing up, I could hardly think na binilihan ako ng bagay just because. Without the reason na para sa school, dahil sa school. It's always either of the two. I could understand din naman from the perspective of my parents. I just can't help but think sometimes na oo nga noh. I wish we could afford din gaya ng iba who could spend without worrying. Without feeling guilty at the expense na yung oras, pagod, puyat ng magulang ko yung kapalit nung binili nila para sakin. It was not easy. This is the main reason I can't just give up fighting for that comfortable life na gusto kong ibigay sa family ko. I'll keep this thought as a motivation to keep moving, to never stop dreaming, and to always look at the good things in everything. Kasi gusto ko someday, mabigay ko sa kanila yun. Not because I am obliged, but because I love them. And sobra-sobra yung love na binigay nila samin ng kapatid ko, growing up.

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Today was the first time he hard launched someone after talking to me. The last time we talked was new year. Anyway, I don't know if uunahin ko ba to feel guilty kasi nalaman ko before new year that he was not straight daw. So I somehow judged him and nag distance na rin ako. I don't want to be someone's confusion sa gender identity nila. But seing that story sa ig made me realize things. Although some what ifs popped up in my head. I'm happy for him, truly. Atlast he found someone who he could share his playlist with. Someone who would be happy to receive his love language and someone who could join him mag-gym. The girl seems sweet and looks genuinely happy in their intimate dinner date. The had steak. Looks delicious, btw. (Got distracted to the food)

Anyway, I can't rant this to anyone without sounding like a douche or jealous. Ayon lang naman. Happy dating. Wala pa ako sa mood kumilala ng iba. But I hope na bilisan niyang dumating sa buhay ko. Gusto ko rin naman makipag date and experience being in love (yung reciprocated)

kasi it may seem like I'm a douche

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The mixed signals is mixing na ulit :)

While typing: I just realize na no, that's just the way he is. He express himself well. He express his emotions well kahit na minsan I question na baka it meant other things which I wish he meant. He sent me a video. "The Giving" book. With a note na send this to the 1st person that comes to your mind, "thank you for listening to my problems, even when you had much"

~hmm, I say, thank you for including me to that 2 person who sees your dump ig acc. You said it is your safe place to post your random thoughts. So I appreciate that you felt safe with me seeing your bare emotions

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Then came another disappointment. How come, one after the other would come so different yet similar to the end result —disappointment.

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Just pondering upon some thoughts that crossed my mind. One of which have been circling about how I want a lover whose facial features would definitely turn my head around. And when the potential candidate did came. I was overly excited then romantized. I began to look forward, for which to my dismay, only led to disappointment.

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I was excited, only to be disappointed in the end

(aviation)

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Can I state my daydream? I want to experience that kind of love. Where one day, I would also feel calm and secured with that person. Who would shower me with his lovely words. Cage me in a hug whenever we are tired. I also want that kind of love, where I know there is no one else who could get my humor and my silence but him. I want that kind of love who I could talk my heart even with the most random things. I want that kind of love who would choose me in every despite. And I want that kind of loveno matter when the world believes it no longer exist. I want to hope for that kind of love. I want to trust God that he will give me that kind of person, even when no one else believes.

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So, pinanood ko yunh jowa challenge ni Criza and Onie.

~nakapag jowa challenge na pala ako nang di ko alam

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May napansin lang ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ako ganun kadaldal kay u1 lately, wtf is wrong with me. Kasi napapansin ko naman yung level of energy na nashshare ko sa ibang tao. Bakit ba ako nahihiya amp. Conscious saan? Eh si u1 lang naman yan. Pero to be fair, iba parin yung comfort kapag nagbobond kami so, yeah. All is well? Just not 100% level of energy lang. Idk din why, so don't ask.

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And today, we cooked chicken with gravy. His favorite, sa true lang. Yun at yun lang nirerequest niyang lutuin ko. And today was also the first time na pumunta ako sa new apartment niya. He's left his condo in Cambridge (new environment while taking the review subj daw) so wala na me mapagpapacharge-an kapag nawalan ng kuryente HAHAHAHA

Anw, he promised naman na he will cook afritada for us the next time. All is good.

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Yesterday was the 1st night-walk for 2024. It's honestly been a while. We haven't hang out that much last December. May mga moment na na-aawkward nsnaman ako kapag matagal na time na di ko soya nakakawentuhan pero most of the time it's the comfort that I feel parin.

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Can't help but feel the fulfillment while I was staring at the TOR section of my portal. It brings back memories of me crying mt heart out in the restroom of our campus, or the time that I cried taking a quiz, or the time I called mama and papa and screaming that I am so tired of my program. The countless times I attempted to shift, the times I cried calling tita ann as I was anxiously telling her that I may fail the sem. But throught it all, I still remember how I hold on. How I kept going. How the people around me, cheering for me, gave me the strength that I needed to not loose hope. I remember the poeple who prayed for me. I remember how I prayed to God, just crying all my emotions.

And now, I can't believe that I've earned all the units needed to take the board exam. Grabe Lord, iba ka. I may have doubted my self but I never doubted you. That during those dark times, I am still strong because I found hope in You, in Your plans.

Thank you, Lord. I know this is just a beginning of Your plans for me, and still, I'll trust Your plans for me. May you give me strength along my journey. And help me enjoy every step of my way.