ginandstyle

[ginandstyle]

“want” from cold river: poems by joan larkin, october 1997 

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[ginandstyle]

Why does it feel like she’s about to break up with me again. Like I don’t know why she’s seemingly mad at me and why she’s ignoring me so much. I’m sure it’s just end of semester / Ramadan exhaustion etc but she just seems so unwilling to interact with me and I don’t know why. I feel like we’ve regressed to august 2018 where she’s mad at me all the time. I have tried so hard to leave her alone and I don’t ask her many questions but I have a really hard time asking none. And I guess none is now the only acceptable answer somehow. I’m never allowed to ask my best friend how she’s doing or how her ski day was. And she’ll never tell me!!&! We’ve barely spoken since before she left for Japan and she somehow doesn’t miss me at all. At least that’s how it feels. Normally she would have at least said hi or called at SOME fucking point but we literally haven’t spoken on the phone in three weeks which is the longest we haven’t talked on the phone since this friendship restarted. And she doesn’t interact with my Instagram posts or any texts. It’s all just passive aggressive thumbs up. I’m sure I’m reading too far into this but I just wish she would tell me what’s going on. And I feel like she might be trying ti distance her self from me to ease the blow of the breakup ajd to not have to breakup with me before my defence cause thay would be a dick move but she doesn’t want to be too emotionally invested in my defence. I want so badly to be overthinking this but I really can’t tell. Cause obviously she phones cat. I’m sure she’ll say something like you should have called but every time I try to start a conversation it goes ignored. So what the hell ak I supposed to thjnk???

[ginandstyle]

[ginandstyle]

Ethereal, almost ghostly ~ Blanca Rozo

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Tbh it kind of bothers me how little empathy sheen has for this stuff with my mom. Like I get it you’re solution oriented but 20 minutes is not enough for me. And now you’re making me feel like shit for the fact that I’m still talking about it because I should just not care and be like ‘fuck this’ and move on. It’s all cause she’s dating a bunch of guys and she’s happy and doesn’t have time for me and my non issues.

[ginandstyle]

Rhododendron Alley (via)

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It is so irritating that she’s just dodging all of my texts!!!!!! And I know that she’s busy and that she was away and was busy and now is away again but like come on, how hard would it have been to text me and be like hey I’m super busy instead of just ghosting me. Like this makes me feel like I’m being WAY too much and makes me want to pull back.

Like I’m sure that she’s not mad at me, I’d she was she would definitely tell me but I’m not used to her being too busy to talk to me. Like normally if she’s busy she’ll come back and say ‘sorry I’m here’ and we’ll talk. Not this ‘sorry’ business then just continue to ghost me. It GRINDS my fucking gears so much to be left on read like this. I HATE it so much.

[ginandstyle]

not for riches but for love medieval posie ring

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[ginandstyle]

lazy days of summer by EdwinaFran

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WHY does it always play out like this UGHHHHHA

Like yeah maybe I should have asked her If she wanted company while she was folding her clothes but I don’t think I did anything wrong by not asking? Like if she was sitting around waiting for me to offer why not just phone me. What game is she playing jfc. And then she’s annoyed with me for the fact that we didn’t talk all day???? What the hell!!!! I thought she was with her fam all day, if she wanted to talk to me she absolutely could have, I have no idea why this is somehow my fault for not being a god damn mind reader. Like hhhhhhh how is this on mr. HOW is this my fault. And here I am apologizing and it’s going to be weird until I leave and then it’ll be weird the whole time I’m gone because the time difference isn’t on our side. And here I am feeling like shit and crying all night because I feel like I’ve somehow ruined things when I don’t even think that this was even my fault or even a Thing to fight about???? Like hello? I had no idea she wanted to talk to me all day and now she’s getting mad at me that we didn’t. And I won’t talk to her tomorrow cause it’s Eid and hopefully I’ll do something with kris on Tuesday and Wednesday is cats birthday so that’s off the table and Thursday is dnd and then I’m gone. This doesn’t ever get better and I hate that we’re here. I can’t tell if it’s just Ramadan wearing on her or if she really is disinterested but she’s a whole different person now than she was a week or two ago. Like some switch flipped and she’s so distant. I hate it cause I don’t know what to do. When she pulls back and gets all distant apparently I’m not supposed to take that as ‘I don’t want to talk to you’. She said she pulled back so I wouldn’t think she was mad at me but like what am I supposed to think. Also there’s so much that she’s not telling me, she’s been looking at houses this whole time and I never got looped jn, and her and fucking cat have gone hiking together now multiple times. I am going to get replaced by cat hands down. They won’t end up hating each other and they won’t end up with a professional relationship, they’ll only become closer and closer and I’ll be off in Europe so it’s the perfect storm for me to get wedged out of her life and get replaced by this bitch she’s known for only a couple months. I WISH She liked me in the same way that she likes her other friends. And I know I should be taking all of the time we spend talking as meaning that she does but I just want more. I want her to trust me enough to tell me things in her life, I wish she would trust me with that’s going on, the good and the bad. We are literally right back where we were in fourth year, where we talk all the time but I’m somehow just on the outskirts of her life, like I know nothing about anything because she doesn’t tell me shit.

[ginandstyle]

@leeuropa

[ginandstyle]

btw being excessively nonconfrontational is NOT a positive trait. it does not mean u are “too nice” or just too kind to hurt people, it means u have a problem communicating and you need to work on it.

[ginandstyle]

I really don’t know why on earth I feel so god damn threatened by cat??? Like??? Part of me knows that I’ve know sheen for a lot longer and that she likes being my friend and likes talking to me and likes me and I know she says me and cat aren’t competing with each other. But another part of me looks at her and cat and sees her and lex. I see how they’ve known each other for like 6 months and sheen is obsessed and calls her the love of her life and tjr apple of her eye and I see how she does NOT fucking do that to me. She’s the clear favorite and I can’t compete!! I’m at best going to be forcing a relationship thay she’s never fully invested in. Like I know our trouble will always be our past and we’re in a different place now and she actually wants to be friends etc but a huge part of me can’t get over tjr fact that we weren’t ever friends and I feel like that’s happening again. That will always be my biggest insecurity in this relationship, the constant worry that I will either get cut out or that I am a low tier acquaintance. Her and cat (see: her and lex) remind me of what her and I aren’t. It’s so obvious. How can I possibly compete with this girl who is apparently sheens twin flame. You can’t compete with that. Full stop. And the whole other issue of their relationship being WILDLY inappropriate. Like how the hell do neither of them feel weird about it. How on earth are they both cool with being the loves of each other’s lives. Like???? There is a MASSIVE power imbalance there and also this girl is about to work for sheen for the summer??? Like what the fuck. I know she said it was just like how her and lex were pals but it absolutely isn’t. I hate that I’m so insecure about this. And if I voice my concerns she’ll say a) cat isn’t your competition or b) why do you hate my twin flame, why do you hate me. It’s a lose lose. I literally have no way of this ending well. She’s not going to develop a professional relationship with this girl, she’s never going to dial it back. I am about to be replaced by a fucking undergrad and it makes me so upset.

#sheen