gravedespair

[gravedespair]

Time Stands Still Part II

Several Hours Later… (Edited)

Somehow, I had managed to get some sleep after returning from my little unplanned vacation. Sleep wasn’t something I got much of, making me appreciate it when it did finally come. Even if it had been at such a cost.

I had abso-fucking-lutely no idea how long I had been gone or how much of that time I had spent unconscious, but my brain hadn’t been up to the challenge of helping me fill in the gap. Instead, I had stumbled into my tiny bedroom and dropped onto the bed.

The second my face hit the fucking mattress, it was lights out, like someone had yanked my power cord. My sleep had been blissfully void of nightmares, or memories or premonitions of events to come. I had been consumed by a darkness that held me under, only releasing me from his hold when it was ready.

I had woken feeling somewhat refreshed, but after a quick shower, I found that I was still on edge, hungry and the shaking in my hands was a tell tale sign that it wouldn’t be too much longer before I was jonesing for a hit.

Shoving all of those uncomfortable sensations aside, I focused my mind on the soul screaming out the loudest. I had convinced myself while getting dressed, that I needed to get some work done. If I didn’t, Lucifer was likely to come after me again and there was no telling what he had in store for me.

It was common knowledge that I was not his favorite person.

I took form in the shadows that lined the outer edge of downtown. I could hear, feel, and taste, everyone around me, but I paid closest attention to the loudest voice. Soon, images joined that pain filled sound, leading me to the exact place that I needed to be.

As my eyes took in the fallen form at my feed, I found myself shaking my head as shame reared its ugly head. The boy was young, somewhere between sixteen and eighteen. So young, and so very dead.

I knelt down, eyes scanning the bright screen of the phone that had fallen from his hand. The words staring back at me read Big Brother.

“W-who are you?” A scared, timid voice questioned in the darkness.

My eyes traveled toward the sound, taking in the ghostly form of the boy who was laying on the dirty pavement. I shook my head, but refused to speak. I would not interact with the spirit. No, I would send him on his way and be done.

Climbing back to my feet, I reached out, grasping one of those hands in my own. I whispered something under my breath and watched as his face fell slack just before he vanished.

As the cool breeze whistled around me, I found myself sucked back into my memories…

/Snow was falling in large, white chunks from the dark December sky. The grey cloud coverage was so dense that not a single star could be seen amongst that inky blackness.

And still, I forced myself to trudged on. My boots scraping roughly against the old, muddied snow and ice that lined the broken city sidewalk as the wind whipped around me like an angered spirit. I tugged my hood closer to my head to keep those violent gusts from blowing the thin fabric back.

I was cold, the chill bone deep. My hands and feet were numb, my legs stiff and my soaked jeans and drenched hoodie were not helping matters. I was pretty sure that if I didn’t find my way home sooner, rather than later, I was going to freeze to death out in the heavy storm.

I knew that I shouldn’t have left that damn apartment, not when there was such a harsh storm headed our way.

I had to get back, my roommate was probably freaking out by that point, worried sick and for some reason. I still couldn’t quite figure out why Dorian cared so much.

There hadn’t been many things in my short life that had an significance, any real meaning. However, Dorian had been one of the first to show me any kind of compassion. He’d even taken me in off the streets, allowing me a place to stay, at least until winter was over.

Dorian also kept to himself for the most part, only involving himself when he felt like I was going to do something incredibly stupid…

Like, say, runoff in the middle of the night to go on a three day bender without leaving so much as a note behind.

I didn’t want to do the things that I did, I didn’t want to be the person that I was, but as each day passed by, I felt like I had less and less of a choice.

Shortly after I’d run away from the people that had tried to contain me, the voices had started, and then the visions came. Within the last year, I had began to feel the energies of everyone around me. I could often sense every being in the apartment complex, and sometimes, I could hear pieces of conversations taking place somewhere down the hall, behind closed doors and between many walls.

I couldn’t talk to Dorian about those things though, instead, I was forced to keep them a secret. I had no desire to go back out on the streets and if I spoke a word of the chaos that raged in my young, teenage brain, Dorian would surely have me committed.

I knew that eventually, I would need to move on to somewhere new, but I wasn’t going to rush the inevitable.

Biting back a string of curses, I rounded the corner at the end of the road, dipping into the block just before my own. Soon, soon I would be home and I could warm up. Sure, Dorian was going to tear me a new one, but at least I would be warm and dry while it happened.

As I dragged his tired, frozen feet up the steps, the door swung open to reveal Dorian, who looked like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to scold the me for my behavior or drag me inside and make sure I was okay.

“Where the hell have you been?” He asked, concern lacing his tone as he stepped out into the cold, gathering me into his arms before my knees gave and I collapsed on the ice slicked steps to the apartment, “Asher? Asher can you hear me?”

I felt myself blinked in response, as I fought with my words while Dorian carried me inside, kicking the door shut behind him before settling me on my feet.

Without giving me time to protest, Dorian made quick work of removing my drenched clothing and wrapping me in a thick blanket.

“Shower first, then we talk,” Dorian grumbled, trying to hide his frustration.

I was scooped up once more and carried off into the bathroom where I was seated on the closed toilet as Dorian started the shower, “Get in,” He muttered, motioning to the warm spray, “And I’m not leaving because I’m afraid you’re going to fall over,”

I made quick work in the shower even though my motions were stiff and clumsy. I wasn’t going to ask the other male for help, I had too much pride. It was bad enough my endeavors had landed me with a babysitter, although, of I were being honest, the man’s worries were not misplaced.

I found myself reaching for the wall to support myself several times as I tried to rinse the soap from my body and absorb the water’s warmth.

“I…I didn’t mean to be go so long,” I offered pitifully, my voice barely audible above the spray until I finally turned it off, sticking one skinny arm out for a towel, “I-I just lost t-track of time,” My teeth were chattering as I dried himself, my skin missing the steam as it began to dissipate.

Stepping free from the tub with the towel wrapped around my waist, I spotted the clean sweat pants and pull over hoodie on the counter. Not caring that the other man was still there, I slipped the clothes on, thankful for the warmth they quickly provided.

“What has caused someone so young to turn to such heavy drug abuse?” Dorian asked, his words were firm, but soft around the edges as if he were truly trying to understand why I did what I did.

Ducking my head, I slipped past the male and went for my bedroom. Dorian followed, standing in the door frame as I buried myself in the blankets.

“If I told you the truth, you’d think I’m insane,” I muttered from my shelter of warmth. Or maybe I am insane, I thought cryptically.

“Asher, I could never think you insane. You’re lost, kid. You’ve had no one to guide you. No one to give you direction,”

A tear slid down my cheek and I was thankful for the blankets that I had managed to pull up around my face. Crying was a weakness that I despised and I’d be damned if I left the older man see me shed a tear.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Came my muffled reply, “Can’t think right now. Please Dorian,”

There was a heavy sigh from Dorian as he reached to close the door, “I’m going to let you get some rest and sleep this off, but Asher, we need to talk about what’s going on,” With that, Dorian left, leaving me alone with the tears that were now pouring down my cheeks in shameful streams./

The past released me and I gasped, my knees knocking together as I tried to keep myself from falling down next to that poor boy.

I was that boy, I realized as more shame piled on top of me and Dorian had done nothing but try to play big brother. I had run out the next day, and I hadn’t looked back. Hadn’t wanted to look back.

Until now.

EndSL

[gravedespair]

Time Stands Still Part I

Time stood still The way it did before It's like I'm sleepwalking Fell into another hole I got It's like I'm sleepwalking -Sleepwalking, Bring me the Horizon “You know, I think I like you better when you can fight back.” A deep voice filled my ears, causing the other noise to scatter. “This, Asher, is just pathetic.” I felt the steel toe of a work boot kick my foot aside, causing my weak knees to give. “You've got a job to do and it's time you fucking do it.” I peeled my eyes open slowly, my lids nearly crying in protest. Everything down to my hair follicles fucking hurt and having a pissed off Lucifer so close was not helping matters. I could feel his energy, his sheer power, beating against me like tiny zaps of electricity. The feeling was extremely unpleasant. “I think what amazes me the most is that you actually thought you could hide from me. That you could neglect your duties and I just wouldn't notice.” A strong hand gripped my jaw and I winced, fighting the urge to sink my fangs into his flesh. I pulled my head free from his vice like hold, hissing as I realized that my hands were chained above my head. Which explained why my shoulders were screaming louder than the rest of my aching everything. “Seriously?” I ground out, tugging at the bonds that held me upright. “I'm done playing games with you, Asher. I have had enough!” The air sizzled with a burning heat as Lucifer's rage drove his magic. “Get your shit together and do your goddamn job. Or I will lock you away, Asher and I will make you suffer.” The metal around my wrists unlatched and I dropped like every bone in my body had become liquid. Lucifer was gone, leaving me alone on the dungeons beneath his office. Though, I wasn't there for long. One of the benefits to returning to Hell from time to time was the naturally occurring recharge. With Lucifer gone and no longer able to swamp me in his own magic, I was able to heal some. As I slowly got myself to my feet, I couldn't keep myself from cursing up a colorful stream. There was no telling how long I'd been here or how long I'd been out. I remembered leaving Mags in a rush, my anger and frustrations with myself getting the best of me. Everything after that, up until the point of waking up some twenty minutes ago, was a big, huge fucking blank. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself enough to focus on getting myself from point A to point B. It was time to return to the surface and take care of fucking buisness. I knew that Lucifer's threat was real, more like a promise, really. I had been stupid to think that I could get around him, hell, if I'd just stayed on top of shit, he'd have stayed off my ass. I was feeling more aggressive than I should have, my anger driving my thoughts into darker territories that were better left alone. Groaning, I willed myself away, reappearing in my apartment a few seconds later. I needed a shower, some fresh drugs and a target. …to be continued

[gravedespair]

The Monster in the Mirror

Revised&Edited Previously SL: Something like a Heart to Heart

I’m up here cursing out the man that’s in the mirror I try to shake him but he follows every move I’m going crazy fighting battles with a shadow Dance with the demons cause they play my favorite tune -Dancing With Demons, Palisades

I slowly opened my eyes as sleep released me from its strangling hold. My head had been filled with horrible nightmares, memories from my past and then there were those godawful thoughts that always seemed to find a way to break through all of that mess.

As I carefully pulled myself upright, I noticed with a bit of surprise, that I almost felt normal. The demon that I had drained in that alley way, coupled with my encounter with Mags had been enough to satisfy my hunger for at least a few days. I had been stupid, neglecting my needs because I was so caught up in trying to escape that endless torment that consistently tried to bury me under it’s great weight.

I glanced to my right, taking in the sight of Mags curled up in all of those thick blankets like a cocoon. Her skin was paler than normal surrounded by all of that black and that was cause for concern.

It was possible that I had taken too much when I’d fed. Even vampires had a limit to how much blood they could have drained from their body before things could get dangerous and I hadn’t been in a solid state of mind when things had transpired.

For some reason, I found myself wanting to reach over and brush those stray curls that lay across her cheeks, and those beautiful eyes that were squeezed shut as she sleep, but I refrained.

I couldn’t allow myself to get any more attached the woman than I I already had. A friendship was one thing, but a romantic relationship would only end in torment for us both.

I was a monster, I was a disgusting creature with little care for anything and anyone. It was bad enough that I had allowed our friendship to grow to this level, I couldn’t drag her down into my destiny in Hell.

Turning away from her sleeping form, I slowly made my way out of the bed, before shuffling off into the bathroom.

I wasn’t in my apartment, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know my way around. Mags and I had spent many days and many nights together in her little apartment. Many of those had been dark, depressing times where I lost my shit completely and Mags did everything in her power to put me back together.

Fuck, I owed that woman so much more than I would ever be able to live up to. She had showed me compassion while others had only scowled and turned away. And she had been persistent, a trait I was slowly beginning to realize that I liked.

Still, after all of that pain and all of the goddamn heartbreak, I continued to pull the same shit day in and day out. I just couldn’t make myself stop.

Bypassing the lights, I stepped toward the sink after clicking to door shut softly behind me. I shoved my shaking hand into my pocket and removed my last bag. Dumping half the contents onto the countertop, then I leaned down and quickly made it disappear.

I was utterly disgusting and yet there I was, doing drugs in Maggie’s bathroom. Tainting that pristine white countertop with my nasty little addictions Mags had taken me into her home and still I carried on with my plans.

I knew that I was breaking some unspoken rule, but I couldn’t stop that shaking in my hands or that roll in my stomach that made me want to vomit.

I had definitely fucked up last night. I’d almost made it three days sober, but then I snapped. Like I always did. Relapsing back into that same, endless routine.

As I tilted my head back with a groan, the sound of the bathroom door creaking open nearly sent me into a panic.

“Asher? What the hell are you doing?” Mags rushed in, her eyes immediately landing on the small bag with the remaining white power, “Seriously? Asher, this has got to stop.” Those small hands reached up to touch my face and I jerked back. “You’re color was finally returning to normal, and those circles under your eyes were fading. Asher, when was the last time you really fed? Like last night. I can see the difference in you when you’re properly fed and focused. Asher, you have got to stop using that shit. There are ways to strengthen your shields, but the more of that shit you use, the more trauma you are inflicting on your magic.”

Shame washed over me and I hung my head, “I know it needs to stop Mags, but it’s the only thing that makes any of this even somewhat tolerable. The things that I see, the conversations in my head, all of that endless energy, and that constant pull of the dead.” I should have stopped before I got way ahead of myself, but for some reason I couldn’t keep the words from coming out of my mouth, “I feel everything, all of the time Mags. It never ends and my sleep is filled with monstrous nightmares and premonitions of each death before it happens.”

I did stop then, holding out the hand with the offending bag. Mags grabbed it, promptly popping the little zipper before flushing the power down the toilet, “I’ve been begging you for years now Asher, I wish you’d just talk to Slade. He knows more about magic than most, if anything, he can teach you to drown it all out.”

I shook my head as I tried not to mourn the loss of the last of my stash. It wasn’t like it would be hard to acquire more, but with the way Mags had become so serious, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be leaving her house for a few days.

“It’s not that simple, Mags,” I scrubbed my hands down my face with a frustrated sigh, “I am connected to all that are living and all that are dying. I know when each person’s time is going to come. My shields aren’t strong enough to block it all out. I’ve tried for years to strengthen them, but it’s been to no avail.

Maggie took a deep breath as she crossed her arms over her chest and I couldn’t help but notice that she was looking a bit hungry herself, giving me even more reason to believe that I had been entirely to greedy with what she had offered.

“Come here,” I demanded gently, reaching my arms out so that she could step into my embrace. She hesitated briefly, but then took those few steps and wrapped her arms around my waist.

“I worry about you Asher, constantly.” Her words were muffled by my shirt as she pressed her face into my check, “I can’t get that night out of my head, it haunts my dreams. I know that you didn’t choose this roll, but sometimes Fate can be cruel. You deserve happiness Asher…”

“There’s no place in my endless existence for happiness, Mags. I’ve been doomed to an eternity of misery.” I hated the sound of sadness, of longing in my voice as I rubbed slow circles across her back.

After a few moments of silence, I lifted one hand, placing my fingers under Maggie’s chin, tilting her face up toward me, “Why don’t I make you breakfast and get you something a little more substantial to go with?”

Before she responded, a low growl sounded from her stomach, causing a small smile to turn up the edges of my lips, “Yep, I thought so.” With that, I scooped her into my arms and carried her into the kitchen where I carefully placed her on top of one of the bar stools at her little kitchen island.

Turning toward the cabinets, I pulled open the wooden doors above the sink, pulling out a squat glass. I then proceeded to remove my pocket knife from my jeans, flipping the blade open before dragging the sharp metal across the inside of my wrist. I filled the glass with about three inches of my blood before turning to hand the glass to Maggie, “You drink, while I cook.”

Maggie made no sounds of protest as she accepted the glass, promptly bringing it to her lips. I turned back toward the cabinets and became rummaging around for all that I would need to whip up some pancakes, bacon and eggs. Maggie needed real food too, my feeding from her had taken a lot out of her and I was not going to let her suffer for helping me.

“Why do you keep running from yourself?” Maggie’s soft voice carried through her small kitchen, and as her words reached my ears, I felt a shiver roll down my spine, but before I could open my mouth and make an attempt to change the subject, Maggie continued on, curiosity thick in her tone, “You are the Grim Reaper, Desth himself. I get that that’s a whole lot of frickin’ responsibility, but why not just embrace yourself for who you are? You’re miserable, and constantly in pain. You try so hard to hide it, but Asher, I can see it in your eyes.” Mags paused and took a sip from her glass.

I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the words that were coming out of her mouth. One of Maggie’s most admirable traits was her bluntness and lack of fear when it came to speaking her mind. That woman held nothing back.

But it was difficult to digest that kind of naked truth when it was directed at you. I was my own worst enemy and for years, I had refused to confront my demons. Mags was currently airing out my dirty laundry and it was making me anxious.

“You’re stronger than this Asher, I know you are. I also know that sometimes, you have to face the monster in the mirror,” Mags took a deep breath as she lifted that glass to her lips once more, downing what remained at the bottom.

I started staking pancakes as I mulled her honest words over in my brain. I wasn’t sure how to respond to the truths that Mags had spoken. Once the pancakes were finished, I quickly scrambled some eggs, lopping them onto a plate before picking up the pancake stack as well. I suddenly wasn’t in the mood to fry up bacon, besides, my appetite for real for food had seemed to abandoned me.

Settling myself in the seat besides Mags, I took a deep breath as I dropped my head into my hands, “Keeping myself fed doesn’t keep the voices out. It doesn’t stop the dreams. Even when my shields are at their strongest, I can’t turn it off. I’ve only been able to find one escape and that’s something I just can’t seem to let go of. It never fucking stops. My headspace isn’t my own Mags, and I told you earlier, I’m connected to every living and dying being.”

I forced myself to stop talking, revealing more of myself than I should have. There were just some things other people didn’t need to know and besides, the last thing I needed was for Mags to think that I was going to try something extra stupid.

But when Mags took too long to say something, I found more words just spilling out of my mouth.

“And as for facing the monster in the mirror, we battle every day. I can’t escape that monster because that monster is me and no amount of repenting will ever relieve of me my sins. My curse is that I cannot die, so no amount of any substance is going to do the job,” I paused, taking a deep breath as I refused to look up at those blue eyes I knew were watching me with wild intensity, “I’m stuck in slavery to those who rule the Underworld. I have my own horde of Reapers that collect, and answer to me. I rule a part of a domain I never thought that I’d find myself in. There is no embracing what I am and there is no escaping what I am, not until the next Grimm is born. My existence is not my own, so why don’t I deserve just the slightest bit of peace?”

We sat in silence for a moment, me trying to collect myself and realize what I had just put out on the table. I had never wanted to drag Mags into my mess, not any further than she’d already become involved.

None of this was fair to her. Mags was a kind hearted woman who had been battling her own demons, even if she’d never shared her story. I wasn’t eager to talk about my past or even my current, and there was no way that I would pry into that part of her personal life.

“You know,”

I finally looked up, bracing myself for whatever she was about to throw my way.

“What’s up?” I asked softly, feeling rather defeated.

Mags looked over at me, those blue eyes darkened by sadness as she seemed to think her words over before she spoke, her voice soft, “I didn’t choose this life either. In fact, I was kidnapped one night and sold into vampire slavery.” She took a deep breath and ducked that gaze some, “Long story short, the night I finally made my escape, I was attacked and left for dead. I woke up in an abandoned crypt three days after the incident. I was fortunate enough to find Slade. He taught me that being vampire, and being different really weren’t bad things. Unfortunately, with all of our uniqueness comes a struggle to gain control.”

Mags reached out and placed her hand over mine, causing my eyes to drop, “You just need someone to show you how to harness what you have and build your shields. It doesn’t have to be all bad, Asher. I mean, look at me and Jackie, your other favorite bartender. That poor woman has been through hell and back and she’s still here living life the best that she can.”

I stood suddenly, my skin prickling with a spark of electricity as I felt my anger rear its ugly head. I wasn’t upset with Mags, I was upset with myself.

“I’ve got to go Mags. I’m sorry, but I’ve really, really got to go,” I didn’t give her the chance to protest as I vanished.

EndSL

[gravedespair]

Tear You Apart Part II

After taking a short detour, I casually crept in through the back entrance of my favorite bar and as I made my way down that musk scented hall, I found myself overwhelmed by the sense of dread that had settled in the pit of my stomach like a rock. I was still buzzing from my kill, but the godawful feeling made it hard to enjoy. I looked down at my bloodstained hands as I lifted my foot to kick the bathroom door open and found myself fighting a scowl as my brain kicked up all kinds of horrible thoughts. I was constantly at war with myself, torn between my sense of right and wrong. The sane part of me knew that what I had done was not okay, that I shouldn't have enjoyed it. But that other part of me, that piece that was nothing but an empty, emotionless void, had totally gotten off on it and wanted to do it again. Growling, I stepped into the small, two stalled room, letting the door slapped shut behind me. I wasted no time washing the blood off my hands, scrubbing underneath my short fingernails. Then, I was pulling my phone from my pocket and sending a quick text. Next, it was that little clear baggie, whose contents I emptied out along the edge of the dirty sink just before I vacuumed it up with my sniffer. A ragged sigh escaped me as relief washed over me almost instantly, the sounds around me dulling to a soft, staticky hum. I looked down at my phone, feeling my lips twist into a scowl as the home screen remained void of notifications. It was unlike Mags to not answer her phone, unless she was tied up in something, but even then, she got back to me quickly. As worry settled in my gut, I glanced up at my reflection in the spider web cracked mirror, hanging crookedly above that nasty, grime stained sink. The circles under my eyes were almost black, my skin so pale you could see my veins. The tattooes that peeked out from above my collar and my sleeves were a bright, blinding contrast against all of that ghostly pale backdrop. Forcing my eyes away from the horror I had tried hard to ignore, I sucked in a deep breath. My hands were shaking, my head was spinning and my stomach had knotted itself so tightly, I was afraid it may be stuck that way. The sound of the door opening drew my attention over my shoulder. I sensed her before my eyes were able to focus on the woman walking toward me. Thank fuck, she'd gotten my text. My brain switched gears as her sweet scent invalided my nose, causing my body to react. I actually had to stifle a groan as Maggie continued to make her way toward me. “Asher?” I blinked, hard. “You okay? Why do I get the feeling that there's something serious going on?” When Maggie looked at me with those big, ocean blue eyes and I nearly spilled my guts. Mags had become my anchor during some of the worst storms. I had been reluctant about letting her in, but the pink haired woman with that spitfire attitude had been a hard one to scare off. Instead of shying away from me like everyone else did, Mags had welcomed me with open arms. Those eyes were watching me with an intensity that made me wanna run for the fucking hills and I couldn't help but think that it was tragic that our friendship had become this; her picking my sorry ass up every single time I fell off the goddamn wagon, but I couldn't push her away. Despite all of it, I just couldn't run. But I didn't want to talk about my problems. No, I wanted to bury myself in that tiny, pink haired woman, forget the chaos for just a minute and slack that burning hunger. “I'll be fine, Mags.” I mumbled, pushing myself away from the sink before turning to face her. I wasn't in the mood for words and I by the look on Maggie's face as I took two steps toward her, she knew where my mind had gone. I closed the distance between us as I felt the spark of magic against my skin. The air was humming with electricity as I locked one hand against the back of her neck, bringing the front of her body flush against mine. Maggie let out a sharp gasp and I smiled a wicked smile, my cock straining against my fly as my excitement grew, “Asher…” She whispered, my name something I enjoyed hearing roll off of those lush lips. “Yes, Maggie?” I breathed, leaning in so that my words were a soft breath against her ear. I felt her shuddered against me, her hands loosely grasping my waist. “Please, yes.” Those bright eyes found mine and I could see her want, her desire. Chuckling darkly, I released her neck, reaching up to wrap my fingers in those thick, cotton candy colored curls while my other hand reached between our bodies, tugging her short skirt up around her waist before I ripped her panties off in a rush, my fingers dipping into her wet folds. I nuzzled my face against her neck while I teased her with my fingers, rubbing, stroking that sensitive flesh. She was like putty in my hands, all pants and gasps, straining breaths as she undulated against my palm, her orgasm rolling through her at a rapid speed. I lost myself in the feel of her release, pulling that energy into myself as I dropped my hand and pulled my zipper down, freeing my throbbing length. Without a word, I locked my fingers around those thighs, lifting her scant weight up and pressing her back into the stall door, seconds before I buried both my cock and my fangs into her at the same time. I could hear Maggie begging for more, and I obliged. I rammed myself into her hot core, knocking her against the stall as she dug those finger nails into my shoulders, hanging on for dear life. I slowly unburied my fangs from her neck and captured that screaming mouth with my bloodied lips. That won me a growl of approval in response as she drove her tongue between my fangs, tasting herself on me. My grip on her thighs tightened as Maggie pulled her mouth away from mine. I almost pulled her back to me, but then she leaned forward, setting her own fangs into the crook of my neck. All of that slippery heat contracted around me and I lost it, my hips giving one hard thrust before I stopped, a shudder rolling through me as I came. I carefully released my hold and Maggie made a small sound of protest. “You okay?” I asked softly as I carefully tucked myself back into my pants. Maggie looked up with lazy eyes, her body still limp as I held her gently, “Mmmhmmm,” I chuckled again as I rearranged her skirt before shifting Mags around so that I could poof us both out of there, “Your place?” “Yes,” That breathless voice grew serious, “And you're staying. Without protest.” I couldn't argue with Mags, even those I wanted to. Physically, I was feeling much better. Mentally, I was still just as distraught as I had been before the night had started, but now was not the time to ponder that. I needed to get Mags home and tucked into bed. Vampire or not, she needed some recovery time after our little escapade. She was no stranger to my needs, but that didn't mean it wasn't exhausting. I gave a nod and closed my eyes, thinking about the living room in Maggie’s apartment and then we were gone. EndSL

[gravedespair]

Tear You Apart Part I

My vision's blurred I'm losing sanity I can't see straight Another casualty now -Hard Feelings, Palisades Three days. I had almost reached three days sober and I was losing my goddamn mind. I couldn't see straight, I couldn't think. I had lost my head to the chaos, only this time, I had forced myself to refrain from doing anything in an attempt to get away. I was drowning, suffocated by my own agony as well as the misery of others. I'd spent two days in bed, tossing and turning during the time I hadn't spent hunched over the toilet, heaving like my insides were trying to make an escape. Releasing a groan, I flung my legs over the edge of the bed and slowly got to my feet. I winced as the ground shifted some, making it hard to keep my balance. Perhaps I should have stayed in bed, but I couldn't take it any more. Trying to keep myself on the wagon had been a fool's dream, there was no way it was actually going to happen. I was anxious, on edge. My hands were shaking, and my mind was continuously racing. I needed to disconnect myself from the world, and it's inhabitants. As I stumbled my way into the bathroom, bypassing the lights as I slipped my hand past the curtain and flipped the water on, I realized that not only was I desperate for that high that would make it all go away, at least for a little while, I was also aching to get my hands dirty. Stripping off my sweats, I stuffed myself under the spray with a curse. I had a feeling that my night was not going to pan out the way I was hoping it would. - “And just where do you think you're going?” I heard a deep, male voice call out into the darkness and for a split second, I thought the mother fucker was talking to me but as I took a deep breath to keep myself from doing anything too stupid, I caught a much softer scent. “Excuse me,” He called out again, approaching the slender form a few feet ahead of him. I could see them both now, the woman rushing forward as she continuously looked over her shoulder, obviously trying to outrun her attacker, and the man, picking up speed before he caught up, tossing her against the nearest wall. “I said, just where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I watched from the shadows, feeling my own anger bubble back up to the surface. I could feel myself slipping into survival mode as that rage awoke my hunger, starting a fire in my gut. When the woman let out a whimper, I stepped out of hiding and locked my hand around the back of the man’s neck, squeezing as I jerked him backward, “Maybe you should pick on someone your own size, jackass?” The woman squealed as her eyes peeled wide, the man just sort of went straight as fucking rod, his entire body becoming stiff as I leeched off his magic. Had he been human, I would have snapped his neck and sent him to hell, but I was hungry, and I wasn't going to heal unless I took care of my needs. Besides, demons were fucking delicious. “Yeah, I didn't think you'd have much to say,” I growled low in his ear as I inhaled sharply, my grip tightening just a bit, “Mmm, sometimes it's nice to enjoy a meal that doesn't talk back.” I closed my eyes as I drove my free hand through his back, locking my fingers around the beating heart in his chest. An electric wave rolled through me as I absorbed that crackling energy into my very being. A moment later, I pulled my hand back, dropping the demon as I brought that dripping, pulsating heart to my mouth, sinking my teeth into the tough muscle. The heart became ash, floating off my bloodied palm as a gust of wind swept through the alley way. I tilted my head toward the dark sky above, wiggling my fingers as I focused on the task at hand. Within seconds I was holding my beloved scythe, her weight something I often found myself missing. Becoming reacquainted with my calling, I drove the blade down, detaching the demon's head from his body. As blood stained the concrete, he became nothing more than ashes, lifting from the ground to vanish into the wind. As my scythe vanished and the weather calmed, I found myself feeling just the slightest bit okay. The sharp edge of my hunger had been dulled to something near tolerable and I could feel the renewed strength in my mental barriers, clearing the space in my head just a fraction. Though, to my complete disappointment and lack of surprise, I was still craving just the tiniest taste of that sweet nothingness that I was terribly at odds with and still desperate to find. “W-what the hell?!” I focused my attention on the woman who was bowing standing a few feet in front of me. “Get outta here,” I snapped, “Seriously. Move your ass, before I decide to eat you next.” Those painted lips made a small “o” in surprise as she blinked rapidly like she wasn't sure how to react. I used her shock to my advantage, reaching into her mind before motioning her toward the mouth of the alley. I replenished my hold and off she darted, not even stopping to look back. …to be continued

[gravedespair]

Chasing Memories Part III

“-don’t know Slade. He’s not breathing…”

The ass end of that conversation seeped into my brain, somehow making it past the barricade that seemed to have been keeping everything out.

I felt a shiver roll down my spine as my eyelids popped themselves open, my chest and lungs expanding as I took a deep breath. My fingers and toe started to tingle, that odd sensation quickly traveling up the length of my arms and legs. I was one big mass of bizarre, sizzling electricity and I was fucking cold.

“Holy shit, are you for fucking real?” A loud, extremely surprised female voice assaulted my, suddenly sensitive, hearing, “You were just dead. Like, no breathing, no pulse, dead. I’ve seen a lot of weird shit, but seriously? Either you weren’t human before your accident, or you are no longer human…” There was a brief pause where all I could do was blink up at those wide, round, ocean blue eyes that were watching me with an interesting mix of fascination and concern.

“Either way, buddy, it looks like you’ve got some serious explaining to do,” That playful expression fell serious and a darkness crept into those beautiful eyes, “You okay, man?” One perfect eyebrow went up in question and I couldn’t contain my sigh.

No, I was not okay, but how in hell was I supposed to explain that to her? Where did I even start?

I stopped myself then as a realization sank in. She was a stranger, albeit, kinder than most so far, but unfamiliar all the same. There was no reason for me to get myself all tangled up in that mess of emotion.

Friends were not on my to do list.

“What happened?” I finally managed as I did a little wiggle, making sure that everything was attached and mobile. Turning my eyes from hers, I carefully pushed myself up, sitting across from the tiny woman, my back pressed against the stall door for support.

“Well,” She started, tugging on cotton candy pink curls with slender fingers, “You were stumbling down the hallway, and then you just about collapsed. I was pretty positive you were going to seize out on me…” She paused, eyes darting around the dimly lit room. I was sure that this wasn’t how she had planned to spend her evening.

“I dragged you in here and then…” She settled her hands into her lap, fingers knotted together as she looked downward, “You can fill in the blanks.” She flipped those blue eyes up at me and I felt my breath catch in my throat, “You had no pulse. You weren’t breathing. We’ve been in here for roughly twenty minutes. I called for help, but then you woke up.”

I thought my head was going to explode as I tried to make sense of everything that she was saying. If I was dead, I should have stayed dead. I was human, nothing fucking special.

“I-I…gotta go. Yeah, I need to get going,” My words weren’t convincing to my own ears, meaning the woman wasn’t gonna buy my bullshit. I could see it in the way those bright blue peppers narrow, almost as if she was challenging me to challenge her.

“Do you really think I’m gonna let you just get up and waltz right on outta here?!”

Annnnnnnnnd I was so right.

She lunged forward, all fire as her palms pressed into my shoulders, “I don’t care who you are or what you are, you do NOT need to be alone right now. You’ve made it pretty obvious that you have no idea what is going on with you and I don’t like that. Nope, ignorance is not bliss.”

Her behavior and dedication to the cause was admirable, even if I didn’t completely agree with her insisting that I stay. I was ready to get back to my shithole and sleep whatever this was, off. My body ached and that chill hadn’t left my bones. I was also hungry, which was unsettling and then there was the splitting headache and blank spots in my memory.

I took a deep breath as I dropped my bi-colored gaze, “I appreciate the concern, but really-”

She smacked a hand over my mouth, drawing a sharp gasp from me in response. However, I didn’t push that hand away, no, instead, I looked up just watching as she narrowed her eyes again, “You can show your appreciation by cooperating. I just want you to talk to someone.”

I shook my head then, reaching up so that I could wrap my hand around her wrist, drawing her hand away from my mouth, “I’m not talking to anyone about anything. You’re lucky we are sitting here right now. No one needs to know about this shit and I’m not sure I care enough to know. I probably should, but I don’t. So please, just drop it and let me get outta here.”

She blinked a few times, then made a face before clapping her hands together, “You’re fucking insane, man. I really hope you get your shit figured out. It’d be a shame to see you die a second time.” She stood then, sticking her hand out, “Names Maggie, by the way. Or Mags.”

I looked at her outstretched hand and frowned, “Asher,”

“Well, Asher,” She smiled a small, sad smile, “If you ever need anything, I’m always around.” I watched her cover the short distance to the door before she pulled the thing open and disappear through the crack, leaving me alone to the chaos in my head.

End Flash Back End SL: Chasing Memories

[gravedespair]

Chasing Memories Part II

It hadn't taken me long to find trouble upon my arrival to Seduction. I had left my sad excuse for an apartment with one thing in mind and I had known exactly where to go and who to meet to make it happen. Nothing that I was doing was unusual, in fact, I was frequently running through the same nightly routine; wake up in a state of panic, wash the nightmares away, and then hightail it to the bar, where I knew that I could lose myself in the nothingness that had become me. For the longest time, I had truly believed I was crazy. The traumatic events of my childhood, coupled with the years and years of persistent abuse and their loud, harsh voices had been enough to make me believe that I was as useless and insane as they swore that I was. I had only had my own, warped sort of freedom for almost three years. I had been thrown out of the last institution that my parents had tried to hide me away in three days after my eighteenth birthday. They could no longer hold me against my will and there wasn't anyone alive that would recommit me. I choked on a gasp as I nearly lost my footing, smacking my hands against the concrete wall beside me so that I didn't face plant. I had vacated my quiet booth in search of an exit for some much needed fresh air and a cigarette, but it was becoming painfully apparent that my plans had been seriously foiled. My vision swam suddenly as ice replaced the blood in my veins. I was fucked up and I knew it, but the sensations that had started to suffocate me were unlike anything I'd felt before. I forced my numb feet and tingling legs to carry my forward, although my motions were more of a lurch. The sounds of the club were coming and going in waves and I couldn't seem to make out anything ahead of me. I was surrounded by an inky darkness that I couldn't swim through. I felt the ground shift and leaned my body into the wall for support as I tried to keep myself upright. “Hey?” A voice called out, soft and questioning, “Hey! Are you okay?” I opened my mouth and closed it, settling on nodding my head back and forth, silently hoping that she understood that I was not even a little be okay. My evening was taking a serious turn for the worst and the saddest part was the fact that there was a part of me that hoped that this was the end. Maybe, just maybe if I was lucky, whatever had been in the baggie was going to fucking kill me. I couldn't make out much of what she was saying as a small woman stepped into my line of not-so-site. I could make out a mane of blurry pink bobbing up and down but that was about it. I couldn't even feel her hands as she grabbed my wrist. The only reason I knew she was touching me, was because I saw the shape of what I assumed my was arm lifting into the air before she tugged me forward. “Easy, easy. There ya go.” I wasn't moving anymore, and the woman was talking again, only now I could hear what she was saying. She sounded far away, almost as if she were calling to me through a tunnel, but I could make out each word, laced heavily with concern. My body, however, was still numb and my vision had vanished, leaving me to drown in that darkness once more. “Fuck,” She growled out, causing panic to stir somewhere in what was left of my conscious. I could feel myself slipping away, drifting into that endless abyss. I knew that this was the end and as I made peace with that knowledge, that panic faded along with the frustrated sounds of the woman who had been unfortunate enough to find me. At least, I thought it was the end. …to be continued.

[gravedespair]

Chasing Memories Part I

CHASING MEMORIES PART I Flashback 5 Years Prior To take these dreams Away from me Fade this scene Into the deep Erase my mind Cause I can't sleep I'll be fine Without chasing Memories -Memories, Palisades I woke up to loud screaming. It was very sharp, piercing sound that made me want to stab myself in the eardrums, even after I realized that those awful sounds were coming from none other than yours truly. I had absolutely no idea why I was screaming, I just knew that it was happening. Something had triggered a certain terror, but the what remained a mystery. I couldn't recall anything that had been going on in there before I'd woken up. That in itself was fucking horrifying. I rolled out of bed with a groan, feeling that usual stiffness in my back and that awful ache in my bones. As I swung my legs over the edge of my flat, nearly useless mattress, I found myself wishing I could be anywhere that wasn't my tiny shithole apartment. This wasn't how I had planned for things to turn out, but this was exactly where I had landed and I was absolutely helpless against that persistent, nagging need to feel nothing. I was so tired of feeling. Just feeling in general, as a whole. My life had quickly become meaningless, empty. I was drowning in a black abyss that I feared and yet, I couldn't seem to find the will to break the chain. Rubbing my eyes, I released another groan, blinking rapidly as I tried to focus my blurry vision on the glowing blue numbers glaring at me from the face of the busted alarm clock. It was approaching nine o’clock at night, meaning I had been in bed all fucking day. “Fuck.” I cursed as I felt my lips twist into a scowl. I was anxious, antsy in a way that made me want to scream, or maybe try to crawl out of my own skin. I couldn't remember ninety percent of my yesterday, the events and happenings just a blur or in some places, simply blank. Pulling myself up, I stretched, sighing as I felt every vertebrae pop and settle into place. I shuffled toward the bathroom, flipping the toilet lid up without bothering to hit the lights. I didn't want to see the person that I knew would be staring back at me from the dirty, broken mirror. A short time later, I was dropping the lid and turning on the shower, silently praying that the hot water lasted long enough for me get in and out. That wasn't often a wish that was granted, but it was worth a shot. ...to be continued.

[gravedespair]

Dancing with the Devil Part II

My mind and body had become two separate entities as the woman reached up to press her hands into my shoulders. I made no sound or move to stop her, giving her a moment or two to think that she had control of the situation. I liked to play with my food, I was just sick like that. Those hands moved from my shoulders, lazily creeping their way up to my neck as she smiled a fake smile and leaned forward once more. And that was the moment I moved, wrapping my fingers around those dainty wrists. She let out a sharp gasp of surprise, those eyes of hers going wide as saucers. I swallowed a groan. The taste of her fear was a tangy flavor on my tongue, a sharp scent in my nose as I watched her second guess her choice to mess with me. “You wanted to play,” I pured as I held her hands down at her sides, leaning in so that I could run my tongue along the slender column of her throat, “Don't you remember? You came to me,” I felt her breath hitch as the tension left her body, relaxing as she lost herself to the sound of my voice. She nodded, her eyes becoming lazy, rolling around in their sockets as her head fell back. My fangs throbbed in tune with my cock, the mix of her fear and arousal something I just couldn't pass up. The more she squirmed in my lap, rubbing herself against my jean clad erection, the more I found myself wanting to paint that pale flesh red with her own blood. I was fuckin’ hungry and in a piss poor mood. It wasn't her fault. No, not even in the slightest, but that fact didn't change things. Hell, I'd be doing her a favor in the long run. Her time was coming up, just around the corner really. I forced myself to take a deep breath as the woman leaned forward again, pressing her ample chest against me. It wasn't hard to let myself get lost in the energy that surrounded us and it certainly wasn't a challenge to get into her head and rev things up a little bit. I released her hands, digging my fingers into her thighs as she pressed her lips to my throat. Her fingernails bit into my shoulders in response to the pain as she let out a sound that seemed caught somewhere between a sigh and a moan. It was excruciatingly difficult to separate the two as I moved forward, shifting her so that her heat was pressed firmly against my fly, just before I buried my face in the crook of her neck. Teasing, I was only teasing her. Listening to her mew softly, chanting “please” and “more” as I let my cool hands run along the smooth skin of her back, her stomach, then down. Further, until my fingers traced the edges of the lace that covered her. I was inside her head, making her believe that what she thought was happening, was actually happening. Had we been alone, I might have given into my darker desires. Scratch that. I would have given in, and I would have ravished her. Her fear would be heavy in the air, just as her blood would coat her skin and my own. I felt my eyes rolled into the back of my head, my eyelids fluttering as a shudder danced through me. She pinched my earlobe between her teeth, the suddenness of her actions jolting me from my thoughts. And then suddenly… I wasn't fucking hungry anymore. It was like someone had reached into my brain and unplugged the Goddamn machine. “W-what the fuck? What are you-?” I blinked as my vision finally cleared and that was about all I could manage as I watched the gears turning in her head. I had been hit by some weird emotional tidal wave and I was pretty sure what I was feeling was some kind of pity coupled with sad understanding. Which was totally off the fucking wall. Emotions were a no go and I couldn't quite figure out what had triggered them. What the ever-loving fuck was wrong with me? There was no time for me to work through my fucked off feelings though, because the woman was now frantic and flailing about as she flew off of my lap, nearly spilling herself onto the floor, “You're a fucking psycho!” She screamed as she looked around, then down at herself, then back to me. I was too stunned to stop her as she stormed off, disappearing into that ever expanding sea of bodies. Fuck, this was all just so not okay. There wasn't much that seemed to make sense in my world anymore. I was filled with a darkness that I couldn't escape, no matter how hard I tried and a desperation to make it all end that grew greater with passing day. The most twisted part about it all? I couldn't fucking die. Nope, I was Death. Oh the irony. So fucking rich you could almost taste it. I tried to take a few deep breaths and relocate my attention, but I couldn't shake what had just happened. I was hungry, there was no doubting that, but something had stopped me. Something like guilt. I shook myself as I settled back against the leather booth, slipping one hand into my pocket. I could have sat there and debated my morals until the damned place shut down, but it wasn't going to do an ounce of good. And with that thought in mind, I emptied out another little baggie onto that table top and got down to business. Eventually, I would go home. But the night was still young and at some point, I had a job to get back to.

[gravedespair]

Dancing with the Devil Part I

There’s blood in my mouth from biting my tongue I’m grinding my teeth, that’s what it’s become I’m holding my breath till my face turns white I’m losing my voice no matter how I try -Hard Feelings, Palisades

I sat, tucked away in my private little booth deep within the depths of one of downtown’s business nightclubs. It was safe to say that I spent entirely too much time in that very spot. Lost in a whirlwind of chaos that constantly clouded my mind.

I was restless, antsy and jonesing for a hit. Anything to make the chatter disappear and admitting that made my skin crawl both in anticipation and sheer disgust.

I absolutely despised myself. In fact, I felt with every fiber of my being that I was nothing more than a vile, despicable creature. A filthy, fucking monster. I couldn’t escape my past, the current wasn’t any better and there was abso-fucking-lutely no bright, shiny rays of fucking sunshine in my future, distant or near.

In fact, I had quickly and violently learned in my short twenty five years, that the world was a very dark, morbidly cruel place. Filled with beings, mortal and nearly immortal alike that would do anything necessary to make sure that they had complete control of everything and everyone.

It was tragic really, the sheer ignorance of it all.

I was caught up in my own fucked off emotions, but my lazy gaze was focused on the crowd. Those people had no idea what kind of darkness that world was saturated with. The humans had no idea that the monster under the bed was real, and if they did, they came around in search of their own kind of ecstasy or their own escape.

In retrospect, I was no different than any one of them. I had been on my own war path for the better part of five years. Just when I began to think that things were getting better, that shit just spiraled on down and that downward motion was endless. One continuous fall that only drug me deeper and deeper into my own torment.

I reached up with a grunt, scrubbing my hands down my face, fingers scratching the stumble that I’d refused to shave, before I dropped them to the table.

I was going to do exactly what I’d come here to do. I wasn’t happy about my decisions, but I was past the point of logical reason.

My headspace was not my own, it never had been and I had reluctantly accepted the fact that it never would be, but I could feel my sanity slipping further and further away with each passing day. I was quickly losing my grasp on reality, unable to separate actual events from the memories that constantly drove my nightmares.

Peace was something I had stopped hoping for long before I understood its meaning.

I turned my bi-colored eyes from the crowd to the table, feeling them widen as I zeroed in on the small, clear baggie resting under my, now sweating, palm.

I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but it had become apparent that there was no other way to drown it all out. There had been no one around to show me the ropes, no one that I could turn to for some kind of guidance.

Although, never in a million years, would I have thought that my overdose would have literally landed me in Hell, doing Lucifer’s dirty work.

I had been sadly mistaken on that account.

A fine tremor started in my hands as a chilled rolled down my spine. I could feel everyone around, hear their scattered thoughts and sense their deepest desires. I could also sense every being on the verge of death, or nearing their expiration date.

The sensory overload was becoming too much for me to handle, the effects of the drugs I’d muddled with a few hours before venturing out, were wearing off. Leaving me painfully away of everything. And that odd, vibrating had started up again.

With shaking hands, I lifted the small baggie, making quick work of its tiny zipper before dumping it onto the black marble table top. I was settled so far back into the club that their was no one around to witness my shameful self pity.

Within moments the fine powdery substance was gone and I was leaning back in the thick, leather covered booth seat. I dropped my head against the flat back and closed my eyes, dragging in as deep a breath as I could manage as a wave of sweet, chilly numbness washed over me. The chill a welcomed ice in my veins.

As the minutes ticked by, I started to feel that much needed sense of relief. My head was still filled with endless banter, but the words were no longer audible. The noise becoming a short of static.

“You look like you could use a little company,” A husky voice pured into my ear.

I popped my eyes open, feeling my lips make an “o” of surprise as I found myself eye to eye with a busty brunette that appeared to be wearing more lace than clothing.

Lifting my head and my hands, I placed said hands on her shoulders, forcing her back some as I tried to focus my hazy vision. I wasn’t exactly in the mood for the company the working girl had to offer, but that darker, more sadistic part of me was not opposed to the possibilities of what could transpire if I pulled her into the booth and hide us from any unwanted attention.

“Oh come on,” She pouted at me then, those big blue eyes unfocused and foggy. She was high as a kite and looking for a good time. Or trying to pay her rent, “What’s a girl gotta do to have some fun?” That pout deepened, those dark red lips a startling construct to her too pale skin. The dark circles under eyes were still visible, even though she’d obviously tried to conceal them behind all of that make-up.

I shuddered as I tried to force my mind away to the actual situation and not the hypothetical.

Trying not to studied those lost eyes, I moved my hands away, dropping them to my sides so that she could decide if she wanted to stay if she was going to try and lure some other schmuck in.

She took that freedom as an invitation and moved in close, dropping her scant weight into my lap, head tilting downward.

I turned my face away, unwilling to allow her to kiss me. She leaned in further then, putting those lush, gloss coated lips to my throat. I let out a low warning growl as I lifted my hands, fingers digging into her thighs. I nudged her head to the side with another low growl, feeling my hunger stir deep in my gut. I had put things off for too long, as usual and she had crawled into my lap. Those wide eyes begging.

Who was I to deny her? Since the offer was on the table, I would have been stupid to turn her away.

To Be Continued…