graveyardofmemories

[graveyardofmemories]

The weirdest day ever

New year's Eve, you invited me over. I hadn't seen you in a year and a half.

We cuddled. We kissed we fucked.

I am happy with the closure that you don't hate me.

[graveyardofmemories]

How you hurt me

Here I am again.

Hello.

I really liked you. I thought we were getting somewhere.

I like how there's no bullshit with you. It makes it really easy to read what is happening.

What I don't like is how selfish you can be sometimes. You need things to go your way.

When you posted you needed someone who cares too much to let you go, someone who's always there. Someone who loves you unconditionally.

I thought I was that person. But you turned a blind eye.

When it crumbled

You told me you don't want commitment. You don't want to be "tied down".

I felt horrible.

And then you told me you never wanted to uninstall bumble.

Almost six months of being led in a direction I thought we both wanted to go.

I still remember the nights I spent with you. Waking to see your face was the best feeling on earth. Taking the two hour trips on the bus just to see you. Being on altona beach with you.

Cuddling with you. Kissing you. Fucking you.

I just don't understand. We both drifted. I thought it was because of lockdown. You didn't seem to think so.

And I think I've completely lost you now. There was a thread of hope before, and that's all I needed.

I was so proud to have you. A year of torturous feelings laid to rest when we spoke. You made me so comfortable to be alive.

Of course things change. But I still like you. I probably love you. You cute little thing.

[graveyardofmemories]

One year.

It's been a whole year (I think)

In this time I've felt the worst of it and nearly broke a lot of times

I found someone, someone new, three months ago. I really like her.

Although she's not sold on me, and it might end, I havnt forgot you.

I had the strangest dream last night.

I saw you, and for some reason everything came back. We were complete, and yet I knew that I was making a mistake.

One year of suppressed anger, betrayal and anxiety was uprooted by this dream

I was in love with you again, and I don't know how

All I know is that I miss you so much. As much as you hurt me, I forgive you. Almost.

This new person has made me realise that the way we clicked, and what we had, was very special.

I'll likely not find it again

Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever forget about you? It seems like I won't, and I might be okay with that.

You treated me like anything I did didn't change the way you saw me. I loved it. I could be myself.

I still haven't come back from that. I'm never myself. I guess when you shatter someone's universe it never fully heals.

A full year later, all I pray for is that chance to see you again, by chance or organisation. Maybe to show you what you're missing out on, maybe to see what I'm missing out on. Maybe just to get one final hug, and closure.

It's funny, this breakup has officially been as long as the time we were together, and yet it feels so so much shorter. It feels like I was with you for an eternity. Time is fucked.

I guess I'm just writing to think about you, and what we had. I miss our relationship like I miss a dear friend. But maybe it's time I stop struggling, grasping for your hand as I walk away. Maybe it's time to turn the opposite direction.

I think I still love you, and I don't think I'll ever not. You were my first love. Maybe I'll call in love again, but I won't forget about you.

Thank you.

Talk to you next time.

[graveyardofmemories]

Your touch

The first time we touched, I hesitantly half Hugged you.

Slowly, your touch felt electric. Arcs of cold electricity working through my body, into my spine.

Your soft skin, pressed onto mine.

My head next to yours. My chin on your shoulder. Fit like a lock and key, like it was meant to be.

Laying next to you.

Head on your chest. Laying on my side, both your hands on my head, playing with my hair.

Sitting in my lap, facing me. The most comfortable I can be.

When I think of these, I crave you. Your touch was as important to me as the air I breathe.

[graveyardofmemories]

Four months

Fourth month has gone by.

I might be getting over you.

We talk, barely, and it's dry and bland.

I still love you so much. The thought of getting to see your face in person makes me jittery.

Memories of you haunt me.

I had a dream with you in it. I woke up in my bed and you were sitting up next to me. I thought I had just woken from the nightmare of my reality, and you comforted me and told me it was only a bad dream and cuddled with me. In the dream, I knew I still had you. And that was enough.

Then I woke up. How cruel.

[graveyardofmemories]

I can't fucking do this anymore

Ive tried everything to get over you but I just can't stop thinking about you. My entire day is filled with haunting thoughts about you. For four months. You were my entire reason for existing. I can never forgive myself for being so selfish to you the entire time. And now you're up for the taking. You're going to forget about me once you find someone else. I miss you so much. You are were the reason I was alive and I don't know what to do now. I couldn't live without you, and now I have to. I have no direction. I have no goals. I just want someone to come and put me out of my misory and just kill me, because I can't do it myself

All I want to do is hug you and hold you. Every single second of every day it's all I want. I couldn't name one thing I would want more that isn't linked to getting you back. I'm so depressed. My anxiety is skyrocketing. Nobody is there for me the way you were.

And I ruined it. I wouldn't do anything romantic for you and I couldn't change to keep you, and you left me.

I can't handle this shit anymore. If this keeps going on, something bad will happen.

I love you

[graveyardofmemories]

I am kind of at a loss for words so I'll just say

I love you

[graveyardofmemories]

We talked

We talked it out.

I apologized.

We dissected what happened, and how we differently perceived events.

This is what led to our demise.

It felt so natural, though,

Afterward we just talked.

And I learned I'm still in love with you.

[graveyardofmemories]

Clothes

I found the bag of clothes today, that you returned to me

Some of the sleeves on the jumpers were still rolled up from when you wore them

They didn't smell like you anymore

Perhaps signalling the end of my association with you

[graveyardofmemories]

I feel so alone right now

Trying to talk to you will just make everything worse but I crave you so badly

Nobody really cares

People pretend they do

I just lock myself up and feel like I'm going to explode

I feel like screaming my lungs out

There is nothing I can do

[graveyardofmemories]

Why did you unadd me?

All I want to do is hear your voice or see you again but this action made it clear you never want to see me again

I had a dream we made up and got back together last night

Then I woke up to pictures of you under the "subscriptions" tab

I didn't know what it meant until I looked it up

Your friend didn't help me at all

And my friend won't help either

I'm alone

And you're gone

[graveyardofmemories]

Empty

When you left, you took the centre out of everything in my life.

Music is empty.

Tv shows are empty.

My social life is empty.

My emotions are empty.

You cut a hole in everything I loved, and took it with you.

[graveyardofmemories]

I miss you

The way you would sit on my lap and I would press my head into your chest

It felt so natural

Like we were made to be like that

Nobody else cares,

And I doubt you do too.

I'm missing you more by the day

And I just want you to love me again.

You were perfect.

You would lay on my bed

Biggest smile,

As you beaconed me to lie on your chest.

The most comfortable I can ever be.

The place where I can belong.

You.

[graveyardofmemories]

Three months

Without a doubt, you've found someone else

All I want is to see you or talk to you

I miss you as much as the first day, you made me who I am

And without you, the guy you loved has gone.

[graveyardofmemories]

What I miss

1. I miss kissing you on the lips

2. I miss cuddling you

3. I miss spooning

4. I miss walking to school with you every morning

5. I miss picking you up from work

6. I miss getting go buckets with you

7. I miss walking around greensie with you

8. I miss when you say on the bed with your 9. arms open, smiling and waiting for cuddles

10. I miss laying on your chest and you playing with my hair

11. I miss seeing you at school

12. I miss when we used to sit in the library together

13. I miss going to my second home

14. I miss slow and fast making out

15. I miss when you would sit in my lap and I would wrap my arms around you

16. I miss when we went to the market and the aquarium

17. I miss when we got drunk together

18. I miss Merricks

19. I miss our bike ride when we got lunch

20. I miss when we fucked on the beach

21. I miss when we played Uno

22. I miss getting my hoodies and them smelling like you

23. I miss falling asleep cuddling

24. I miss watching the office with you

25. I miss watching YouTube with you

26. I miss taking photos with you

27. I miss seeing you on Fridays

28. I miss holding hands

29. I miss when we would play with each others fingers

30. I miss the sex we had

31. I miss when we would cuddle with Jess

32. I miss when we would go to the gym

33. I miss buying sandwiches with you

34. I miss buying hot cheetos

35.I miss buying lime and chilli chips

36. I miss getting noodles

37. I miss getting subway

38. I miss when we spent new year's together and you were so sad to see me go

39. I miss playing with your hair

40. I miss holding your head in my hands

41. I miss giving you forehead kisses

42. I miss you sitting in my lap and me wrapping my arms around you

43. I miss having dinner with you

44. I miss pleasuring you

45. I miss watching Ru Ru Paul and dance mums with you

46. I miss when we would play Minecraft and we would talk with signs

47. I miss you hanging around my friends and supporting me when they were being mean

48. I miss ur ass

49. I miss ur perfect titties

50. I miss seeing your beautiful smile that makes me feel so warm

51. I miss how you smell

52. I miss mungus

53. I miss our Skype calls

54. I miss our annaversaries

55. I miss going to the canteen together

56. I miss your brother's

57. I really miss lily

58. I miss being in your car

59. I miss taking photos

60. I miss reading your jar and everything was true

61. I miss making you eggs

62. I miss calling you baby and baby girl

63. I miss telling you how much I love you every day

64. I miss talking with you

65. I miss the way you look at me

66. I miss when you sent me nudes

67. I miss walking you from class

68. I miss you sucking my dick

69. I miss you talking about the future we were going to have

70. I miss going to your grandparents house

71. I miss you telling me to get your laptop Evey day before school

72. I miss making you a coffee (no sugar, half water half milk)

73. I miss you saying awwww baby

74. I miss you calling me baby boy

75. I miss talking about how much better couple we are then everyone else

76. I miss you giving me updates on your beef with penny

77. I miss sucking on your bottom lip

78. I miss neck kisses

79. I miss rubbing your leg

80. I miss how you would make me feel so safe and that I knew everything will be okay, because I had you always.

[graveyardofmemories]

Guys

I just know

You're out there hooking up, having sex

Guys are thinking of you the way I do

And they are more likely to succeed even though

They don't have the memories of the

Aquarium where we saw the turtles

Movies where we first kissed

The hundreds of cuddles and hours of laughing and cuddling

They don't know your family and have the memories with them

Havnt helped you get ready for school and walked you there

Havnt gone to the gym with you all the time

Got the bus with you when it was always out of the way

Made you eggs

Knows how to make your coffee

Ties your shoes and packs your bag

Had you over for dinner because I loved you

I just have to start again

These experiences are just a waste

[graveyardofmemories]

How does it feel?

It feels like

The flame inside my being, giving me the warmth, has been moved outside of me and very far away

It feels like

You ripped the soul right out of my body, Ive functioned with it for so long, I'm confused and hurt now it's gone.

It feels like

You cut a hole in my chest, and took it with you. And I must try and live with that hole until it heals back over. There will always be a scar.

It feels like

Everything I thought I was certain about had suddenly moved away, eyes faced towards, towards a better place. I am stuck where you left me. I'll never move from here.

It feels like

The worst nightmare I could have thought of