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grizzlefur · 7 years

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WWEm - The Chairening

((25-6 Sep))

!WAR NOONRETFA YADNOM si siht ,secnerefer s'relggiZ hploD naht ytrap eht ot retaL

niaga yaw gnorw eht epat eht dedaol ev'uoy ,leinad lleh gnickuf

tuo ti tros

--------------------

ahem

technical difficulties aside, let's watch some wrestling

it's monday because fuck off, i don't do schedule

this is the go-home show from no mercy, so presumably something will happen

even if it's just cesaro getting new teeth

and miz is already here

wait, shit, apparently this is actually ontario, california

now i need to retract that whole rant from last time, on the grounds that this is apparently a real place

anyway, slideshow of jj gettng fucked on by the miz to resounding cheers

everyone loves miz cos they're still in SoCal

even if he is wearing a janky-ass check suit

oh, and he's here to interview roman

great

now people love miz even more by comparison

miz kicks off by mentioning taker so people remember how much they hate roman

throws roman a softball question about how it feels to take over from cena, he stares into the middle distance for an uncomfortably long time

and then canned monologue about how he now respects cena

and he doesn't see why he should be spending time in a room with miz

who's like well i'm the one here with a belt so nyahhhhhh

takes the opportunity to throw shade at jj, roman stands up for him and says miz couldn't beat him one on one

asks the miztourage for a beer

miz is like no my talk show has standards

and like hey yeah it's such a bad thing to have two guys helping you out oh waaaaaait

floats the idea of the miztourage vs the shield, the crowd goes nuts

roman laughs, is like yeah fuck that, crowd hate him

and then talks about his path to the universal championship, manages to mess up brock's name

miz commences to a+ ranting about how he's the most important champ on the show

certainly the most hardworking

roman's like fuck it, okay, let's fight

miz desperately backpedals

is like nope sorry can't wrestle in this suit and also my wife is pregnant

so relevant

makes his farewells, leaves, but OH WAIT here's kurt

to be like yeah cool let's do this shit

roman/miz later on, mizoturage v matt hardy and jj now

because jeff's shoulder's fucked AGEEN

but first let's have this advert for hiac

although why you'd need to advertise it is a mystery to me when you could just read kevin's outstanding twitter feed

back in the room, and here are the hardyz

jeff's here to watch

and rock out to their music

slowmo replay of the tower of doom spot that fucked his shoulder, doesn't look pleasant

and here's jj, met with overwhelming ambivalence

matt's got his green trousers on so at least they're coordinated

bell rings, jason commences to dismantle the other team by himself

finally tags matt in, crowd start paying attention

matt brings his usual brand, laughing like a goat and shambling curtis axel to death

ad break, so the miztourage get some offence in

because we all know heels are allergic to being filmed

apparently they did it by stepping to jeff and making jj defend him

you'd think that'd be a job for his actual brother, but then you clearly don't know the hardyz

corey talks about his time in the ring with bo for some serious oldschool nxt nostalgia

jj throws curtis out of the ring, double hot tag, cue matt mashing bo's face

side effect, curtis breaks the pin, jj spears both of them into the corner, twist of fate on bo for the pin

cole manages to mix matt and jason up

i guess they are both basically the same colour

positioned on the thin line between actual poc and tan as fuck

up next, we talk about the universal championship match

yay, more brock on my tv

after this ad for smackdown

and total bellas

featuring nikki and john arguing about power of attorney

thrilling

corey claims the universal title match was like a sci-fi movie, offers precisely no information to back this up

well, i guess it was less interesting and well-executed than the premise would suggest, so i guess there's that similarity

yeah, that's me throwing shade at disappointing adaptations of hugo award-winning books

(all of them)

come at me

in any case, here's elias

wearing his chicago tour shirt

(which i now own)

ontario have mixed opinions on walking with elias

apparently we're having a rematch of him and apollo tonight

this diss track is primarily about apollo, because nobody has anything interesting to say about ontario, CA

anyway, here's apollo

and titus

fight starts immediately as the bell rings, ref has to sneak in to pick up elias' scarf

booker talks about titus' political ambitions, corey reprimands him that "we don't do politics"

if only everyone in the company took that view

(wow, there's shade for everyone today)

the crowd are vocally behind apollo, which is novel

elias punches titus in the leg to distract apollo, superkick and drift away for the pin

after which titus runs in to fight elias

and everyone's like ohhhh yeah he's a wrestler

very short scrap before elias runs away

up next, finn does a thing

and we need to stop hyping the whole 'Man vs Man' thing

how was nobody on creative like welp that's a fucking stupid tagline, let's just do some more coke instead

cancer kids ad, and now charly interviews finn in a room made of curtains

i wouldn't put it past finn to have an interview in twin peaks

finn thanks bray for pushing him to succeed, restates his universal title ambitions, leaves

well that was short

meanwhile, here's curt hawkins and his 118-match losing streak

and here's braun

this'll go well

curt's like waaaaaaait a second this was a bad idea

and runs away

into the crowd

braun doesn't give a shit, leaps the barricade to chase him throw the crowd

and chokeslams him through a table

guys, that table was presumably there for a reason

now where will the tech guys keep their snacks

picks him up, takes him up to the stage and powerslams him through the led boards

god bless you, curt

bumping like a champ

braun goes back to the ring, gets a mic

like fuck that guy who wants to come and give me a real fight

and it's dean, because ill-considered decisions are totally his thing

walks over to examine curt's corpse, shrugs, heads to the ring

dean is, as ever the living embodiment of eh, fuck it

he's here with the scars of having the best match on the last night's show

but all his teeth, so could be worse

so braun's just focusing on working his bad shoulder

which is weirdly technical for him

you'd think just pounding the shit out of him would work just as well whether he's got a bad shoulder or not

dean tries the princess bride-style sleeper, gets smashed into some turnbuckles for it

keeps trying punching braun and getting headbutted to death

collapses, braun tries the foot pin

doesn't take

this match is like 90% just dean ragdolling around the arena, but it's actually p good

he gets a bit of offence courtesy of an eye poke

dean tips braun over the ropes, braun's like whatevs dude i'm tall and just stands on the floor

booker makes reference to braun having a "cloak of invincibility" [sic] despite the fact that he lost the night before

and dean gets powerslammed into oblivion

where's seth anyway

not here for his best bro

corey's commentary on the highlights package from that suggests he may not in fact know what a ddt is

backstage, kurt tells a ref to be extra careful in the miz match

and now here's enzo

who we gave a belt for some godforsaaken reason

he proposes a 'celebratory brouhaha'

kurt's like dude that was the shadiest win do you actually deserve it

enzo makes more noises, kurt caves

offers some advice from a longtime champ, enzo's like nah dude you're good and leaves

up next, alexa exists

after this archive footage of stone cold driving a beer truck into the arena eighteen years ago

presented by snickers for no particular reason

but now here's dean in the trainer's room

seth's brought him ice, asks him to be less ludicrously self-destructive now they're working together

like dude maybe at least let me know next time

dean calls him predictable, seth tries to prove he's not

so he's going to ask for a match with braun next week

dean's like yeah, fair, i did not expect that

perhaps not a great idea though

ah well

in the ring, here's alexa

in a sleeveless silver jacket that i would so totally wear

now maryse isn't on the show, i'll just have to steal alexa's wardrobe ideas

alexa thinks of all of us as her personal friends, and she's very disappointed in us

for not appreciating her victory

and looking forward to asuka too much

and here's...mickie?

god, this division is so arbitrary with who the next contender's going to be

apparently alexa said some uncomplimentary things about her on raw talk

i was busy not watching it

in my defence, it had 100% more lawler than i need in my day

alexa is just doubling down on the sarcastic praise of mickie

can't really narrate it, because we all know how sarcasm works in text

damn this restrictive medium

alexa's like hey i would fight you, but i don't want you to break a hip

mickie comes back by making fun of alexa's boobs

class

she wants alexa to repeat what she said on raw talk or fuck off

oh, apparently it was calling her an old lady

alexa repeats, gets kicked out of the ring

yet more hype for roman/miz

i am resolutely unhypened

but up next, seth/sheamus

after this asuka advert

still with the sun tzu quote for whatever reason

here comes seth, still burning it down

i love the person in the crowd with a giant milk carton sign with MISSING above a picture of cesaro sans teeth

sheamus is in full kkb gear, cesaro's just in a grey suit and aviators, which mostly has the effect of making him look like pitbull

cue slideshow of the match at no mercy

including the spot that should totally have been the finish

ooh, apparently cesaro's teeth were pushed up into his gums rather than out

ouch

not that i ever really trust wwe's descriptions of injuries, tbh

seth suicide dives sheamus, takes a moment to mock cesaro, eats an irish curse for his trouble

sheamus gets seth up in a stretch muffler, which is a move that seems to have undergone something of a resurgence just recently

and then into a cloverleaf

eventual rope break, but that did not look fun

speaking of moves that are coming back, seth gets a punt to the face

sheamus and cesaro take a moment to grandstand, giving seth time to dodge the eventual brogue

sheamus goes to the top rope, seth meets him downstairs with a gut kick, kingslayer for the pin

which apparently they're calling the ripcord knee now?

well w/e

up next, talking about cena

yaaaay

after more ads for our other shows

and now finn's backstage

runs into goldust, who's got his mojo back

goldust takes issue with finn positioning him as a victim and someone who needs help

a view you might recognise from previous editions of this blog

hi, dustin

finn apologises, goldust accepts but then punches him in the face a bunch

quotes godfather 2 at him, breathes in his face, leaves

but now it's time to talk about cena/reigns

have this slideshow in which we try and make it look way more dynamic than it atually was

and the clip from raw talk with cena being magnanimous

which i did watch, thanks to the miracle of...THE INTERNET

*internet theme plays*

(answers on a postcard what you think that would be)

video package ends, we move on

really thought we were gonna get something more than just replays of last night

but hey

nexg up, roman/miz

after this advert for story time and title card about how wwe's the best at twitter

here's roman, nobody cares

case in point: i spent his entire entrance staring blankly at my facebook feed before realising i should probably say something

a+ journalism

as i type that, enter the miz in a delightful silver lamé sheath

and also his minions in human clothes

bell rings, miz kicks off by trying to talk his way out of this match

makes the point that nobody really has anything to gain from this entirely meaningless match, and he's not wrong

roman accepts the handshake, then punches him a lot

such mixed messages

miz gets out of the ring and hides behind his dudes to rant, roman stands there and laughs douchily because his current gimmick is 'You know that smug fucker who's in your friend group for no reason you can really establish and whom you could quite happily punch in his big grinning twat face? Yeah, him."

miztourage are continually interfering whenever they're more than about five degrees from the ref's eyelines

wwe refs are like the shitty starting enemies in any stealth game

roman's selling an injured back, corey waxes lyrical about sciatica

as you do

and then takes the chance while roman's getting kicked in the face to say 'xiphoid process'

superman punches to all three heels, giving miz time to get away

that last line spoken in the voice of sandra bullock

(yeah, esoteric references)

miz eats a driveby, hits a big ddt for a nearfall

roman counters a finale into a spear, pin, #romanwinslol

the miztourage immediately come in to kick the shit out of roman

they'll be a long time at it

he is so full of shit

fights them off, superman punches miz again, stops to taunt him

sets up to powerbomb him, curtis and bo hit him with chairs

oh yeah, we're setting up for the furniture PPV

makes sense i guess

miz hits a finale, gloats

end thing]

or not

miz decides he didn't get to take part in ç, runs back to the ring to give roman some

and then another finale onto a chair

hits him with another chair, then the three of them do the shield fists over him

good moment

speaking of things that are not that, enzo's brouhaha is coming later

but next, finn/goldust

after this ad for 2k18

and nxt

back in the room, goldust is here and i've only just realised how much his music reminds me of music from freespace 2

*does the arms*

wait, does this mean we're having enzo's dick party as the main event?

well, i guess that means something eventful will happen

and it'll presumably be in the form of everything going wrong for him

this match just went really quickly into both of them being really vicious

finn's like i'll be helpful and magnanimous and shit, but if you cross me i will fucking end you

seems reasonable

goldust is floored by a pele kick to the air a couple inches above his shoulder

followed by a really sloppy sling blade

who do i blame for this

and then, despite selling hurt ribs, hits a coup de grace for the win

i know when i've hurt my ribs, i like to concertina my body onto another human from a significant height

wyatt cut, house lights go out, creepy child singing

wyatt cut again, end thing

huh

apparently later we have sasha/bayley v nia/emma

and here's bayley and sasha backstage

tension abounds

they both try and passive-aggressively semi-apologise for fighting over the belt last night

and bayley tells a sad story about her shoulder trauma and physiotherapy

they bond, end thing

and now here's kurt backstage

enzo accosts him, kurt has the facial expression any of us would have when accosted in a corridor by enzo amore

enzo wants a stipulation for his party

anyone touches him, they lose any shot at the belt

kurt's like fine whatever please go away

"Oh, and one more thing: you're annoying as hell. Annoying. As. Hell."

kurt angle, speaking for all of us

time for the women's match now

here's noa

or indeed nia

Pro Wrestling NOAH Jax

have a hispanic heritage month thing for julio cesar chavez

just under the bar before we run out of month

back in the room, emma's here, as is her excruciating new music

what are cfo$ even on atm

and now sasha in her matador jacket

and bayley in a cancer charity tshirt, because if one wrestler was going to wear one, it'd be her

did we really need that slowmo footage of bayley's shoulder shitting the bed?

this match presented by novartis, because we at dubby dubby wee are 100% cure there could be no problem with emphasising the link between wrestlers and pharmaceuticals

nia leg drops bayley's bad arm, which is a move that would look nasty as hell on an uninjured arm

bayley throws emma into nia, ensuing tension gives her time for a hot tag

sasha and bayley both outside doing some strong team work, bayley runs nia into the post

emma almost gets a rollup, eats a bayley to belly off a blind tag for the pin

that was...functional?

as long as the intended function is continuing the shittening of emma, i guess

backstage, enzo rants at strangers like a homeless methhead

guess what we've got next

after this ad for raw in denver with rollins/strowman and roman/miz for the belt (why?)

enzo arrives, corey commences to rage against them taking the belt away from the best thing in the division and giving it to "essentially a Muppet"

and now he's trying to convince booker to cover for him while he sneaks off

wait, can i do that?

daniel?

...

daniel is gone

touché

enzo's doing a speech

and he's personifying the belt as a woman again

essay question: Are there objects or status symbols that Enzo Amore *doesn't* want to put his dick in?

[30 marks]

mocks cass for getting injured, rails at the fans

compares himself to cena, batista and the rock

unveils his baseball jersey which he's had framed

mocks 205 live

...is he still a face?

i have no idea

cue the 205 theme music

and the entire fucking cruiserweight roster pouring out onto the stage

he starts talking again, they all stand on the stage looking just beyond done with him

mocks rich for dancing and cedric for having no charisma, they're both just like dude have you seen yourself

calls gran metalik fat

"I call it how I see it, right?"

the clarion call of the douchebag everywhere

mocks jack, drew and noam for...unclear reasons, is interrupted by neville's entrance

uses the phrase 'real man', i reach through time and the television to slap him in the face

makes fun of neville's ears

this is some incisive material right here

neville gets on the mic, so i'm happy

calls enzo out for being a toxic shitbag who's alienated everyone he's ever met

fair

spins us a tale of how enzo was dumped on the division's doorstep and the rest of the division convinced him to keep him

and does a superlative rant at him for making the division into a joke

and announces he's here to kill enzo on behalf of the whole division

enzo pulls out his piece of totally legally binding paper

which may in fact be a post-it note?

talks shit at him some more, continues to mock everyone in the division

tells him to fuck off

neville thinks fuck it, i have principles, kicks him in the stomach

and throws him into his framed douchebag jersey

and also everything else

enzo tries to run, the entire roster walks up the ramp to block him in

this is some heartwarming shit right here

neville catches him again, resumes the murder

feeds him his piece of paper, kicks him in the head to raucous applause

this is the greatest double turn ever

red arrows him so hard he does a full handspring out of it

and we fade on a fallen douchebag with a mouth full of paper as a conquering king breathes heavily on him

as all great works of literature do

right, since daniel's not here i guess i need to do the technical bits

which lever is it that switches tapes to smackdown

gonna try this one

----------------------------------------

Well, let's all just accept that that was not the correct lever to pull and try and move on

daniel got back just in time to get my leg out of the tape deck

also he brought sushi, so is forgiven for being slightly late for the second show

with all that said, let's get on with some THURSDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

(okay, daniel was *very* late)

i'm only a week and a bit behind, i've done worse

although hiac is on sunday, and i'm going out tomorrow and saturday

this could be fun

need to watch a week and a bit of wrestling in like a day an a half

woooooo

anyway, the show's starting with a recap of vincegate

and shane talking about how great the mcmahons are

and somehow being a face, despite the fact that the mcmahons are just objectively the worst

and everything kevin has done is totally proportional

speaking of, here he comes in the present

(the present time, that is)

(kevin owens has not been giftwrapped)

just had that smackdown moment of remembering how good the announce panel is

or at least it should be, if tom could remember how to speak english

we're like two minutes into the show and he's cocked up three times

kevin gets in, calls shane out

and also everybody who called him a coward

like sure, i wasn't here last week, but now i am and shane's nowhere to be seen hmmmmmmm

calls shane a very smart man

[citation needed]

kevin claims to personally like vince, so that should get some heel heat

and he's like look what i did to someone i respect and like, so how much will i fuck you up, you twat

on a related note, here comes sami

looking serious

steps in and just straight asks kevin what is wrong with him

like dude, we hav our problems but you are seriously off the rails here

apparently this feud is going to destroy kevin's career and also his life and family

kevin's like yeah w/e you're just jealous

sami is despondent

some people just can't be helped

no kevin, don't draw our attention to the fact that shane mcmahon is going to be headlining hiac

kevin argues sami has never done anything as important as him headbutting vince

sami comes back like yeah, while this is all technically true, you're a cheating fucker

sami will have his day and it will be beautiful and wholesome

(when all of current creative have died)

calls kevin trash, both drop their mics and square up

here comes bryan to interfere

confirms that shane is not here, and might not turn up tonight

a+ commissioning there

proposes kevin/sami tonight

well that'll be original

oh, who cares

i mock, but every one of their 84736395 matches has been great

end thing

later we have a pride of bulgaria celebration

apparently

and also dillinger/corbin next

after this ad for new day/usos at hiac

which is so going to be the best match again

and the first of many plugs for the hiac theme

by a band i've actually heard of for once

and here's baron

i think they've tweaked his music again?

i don't remember this many vocals on it

but it's possible i just stopped paying attention when baron came on screen

roll recap vt of the ongoing feud

tbf, i don't mind this new music of baron's

it's kind of shitty nu metal, but he's a shitty nu metal kind of person

and here's tye

i miss his alien waistcoat

(five words i have never said before)

and also here's aj for some reason

possibly just to show up both of their themes by being so much better

tye throws baron over the ropes while he's looking at aj

cue ad break

during which the heel has had a bunch of offence

funny how that works

the internet confirms that baron's music is new as of this ep

good to know i'm not completely unreliable

meanwhile, tye is wrestling a good match and baron is being baron

and aj is on announce

baron gets chased outside, ends up face to face with aj and throws his bottle of water over him

and then throws tye at him

and tye loses to a weirdly fast countout

so that happened and wasn't bullshit at all

aj runs into the ring, baron fucks off like a shitty nu metal motorbike wolf guy type

oh, he's sticking around

gets up to the stage, decides to get a mic and head back down to taunt aj

claims aj can only win with help, because he apparently hasn't been watching wrestling in the last decade

challenges him for the belt at hiac

end thing

another ad for the pride of bulgaria celebration

during which rusev will apparently receive the key to the city of plovdiv

which sounds like the shit i'd make up, but it's actually what they said

anyway, next it's jinder being just the worst

after an ad for total bellas

and a recap of all the shit that just happened with aj and baron

and confirmation of their hiac match, if we needed it

but now here's the indian contingent

flanking jinder

(sick burn)

this week jinder is apparently here to compliment shinsuke

oh, no, he's going to laugh at his face some more

who wrote this angle

and who didn't fire them

as they were laughing at one picture, he started moving

THE FEED IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING

shinsuke announces his presence, cue the best entrance

jinder freaks out, the singhs rush him and get beaten up

allowing jinder to come from behind and slam shinsuke into things

like he does so...

well, like he does

shinsuke fights back, beats up all three and kinshasas jinder

end segment, hire new writers

apparently tonight will be the first owens/zayn match on smackdown live

this is the only reason they rebranded, so they could make that matchup fresh again

up next, hype bros/usos

and here come the new day, who are notably neither of those teams

they've brought popcorn and snacks

presumably to lurk and be hilarious for this match

after this cancer ad

i'm not convinced by the SUPER DELUXE FURNITURE KALEIDOSCOPE graphics for tlc

better or worse than HANDS AND SKUUUUUUUULLS

hard to say

but i think the designer of both needs to calm the fuck down a bit

back from ads, the bros are already in but the usos get an entrance

new day are in the front row of the crowd

but e still has binocualrs

bell rings, the usos immediately kick a significant percentage of the shit out of mojo

new day start a mojo chant, giving him enough of his namesake back to get a hot tag

looked away to answer the phone, came back thirty seconds later to see the usos get the pin

why is this such a ppv setup show when there's another week to go

usos get mics, go over to call the new day out

e produces a mic from his box of popcorn, because of course he fucking does

new day clap back, xavier challenges them to a cell match

that match will be every flavour of bonkers, and i am very excited for it

corey's like well we have to wait and see whether it gets made official

because apparently he doesn't know how wrestling challenges work

but up next, plovdiv pride

wait, i'm being told that that may not mean what i think

after this ad for raw

and here's aiden?

in a lovely suit

he's emceeing the party

what a cravat

(actual cravat for once)

and he has the mayor of plovdiv with him

huge if true

aiden does a big hype piece for rusev, he comes to the ring as aiden sings the national anthem

crowd boo and do usa chants, because dicks

okay, imma have to look up the bulgarian national anthem and see if this is actually it

if it is, props to aiden

well, at least half the crowd held the boos until after the national anthem

okay, one research break later i can confirm that someone in dubby dubby wee actually did their homework this time

the mayor is reading from a scroll kindly held by aiden

in bulgarian, obv

boos resound

i caught some of it, because it's quite similar to russian

repeats the speech in english for the cheap seats

and apparently september 26th is now rusev day

add that to your calendars

i didn't mention it, but rusev is wearing a natty waistcoat and on a bulgarian flag podium throughout

rusev thanks the mayor, replays the vt of his nine-second win over randy

plovdiv has the cheapest-ass key to the city i've ever seen

and believe me, i've seen the keys to many cities

rusev repeats his claim to have ripped out randy's fangs

p sure i'd remember that

it's apparently his jungle now

which is handy, because nobody had said anything about a jungle before now

aiden has a rusev day song he wrote for us

randy appears out of the crowd to rko aiden mid-flow

and then i thought for a minute he rko'd the mayor as well

but rusev had pushed him out of the way and gallantly taken the fall for him

there's way more nationalism on this episode than i'm comfortable with, ftr

but now, sami gets called into bryans office/curtain corridor/upholstery and poster shop

apparently shane is on his way

sami wants him to hold off so he can beat on kevin himself

bryan will see what he can do

but up next, charlotte/carmella

after this ad for 2k18

and yet another total bellas plug

and now randy's in a corridor

accosts renee, rather than the other way round for once

gives her a challenge for rusev at hiac if she sees him

wishes her a happy rusev day, leaves

and now we're back in the room

with charlotte

but still no peacock robe

booo

really long recap vt of charlotte/nattie

when it could be summed up with 'she's a hart, she's a flair, not gonna go well'

carmella arrives with her briefcase and her boo on his leash

which she then fastens to the turnbuckle

i have no clue what they're trying to go for with this, but i'm enjoying it

tom's like corey, you're down with the alternative kids, the fuck is this about

carmella distracts the ref with deviously detachabale jewellery, letting ellsworth push her off the turnbuckle

which was kind of charlotte's own fault for going up the turnbuckle her enemy's minion was chained to, tbh

carmella hits her with a dodgy-ass crossbody

charlotte kind of had to jump into it to take the bump

and after a functional few minutes, carmella eats a superkick for the pin

this remains such a ppv setup show

what will we do next week

now here’s nattie in new gear

even more transparent than usual

she's like hey char good to know your dad's ok he can watch me kick you to death at hiac lollllll

grin, end thing

this episode, snickers brings us the debut of cena for some unstated reason

but more importantly, fashion files returns next week

and by next week, i do of course mean two days ago

time, eh?

and...

undertaker bongs?

whaaaaaa

oh wait, it'll be dolph

the announce team are all buying into it because of course they are

oh hey, corey's got his number

just like really dolph the fuck is wrong with you

while this is true, the big hat kind of suits him

the crowd twigs, they hate him

he's like come on guys, did you really think you'd see taker twice in one year

which is fair

i need a gif of him going "Ahhhhh, the 90s" there

halfway through his usual rant about how anyone can gimmick, here's a walking gimmick to...prove his point?

anyway, it's bobby roode

i could cheerfully slap both men in this feud

bobby gets into the ring, calls dolph out for being a hypocrite

someone had to

are they trying to angle him as a kind of face-of-the-people babyface here?

cos that's just weird after his nxt run

challenges dolph for hiac

crowd chant for it, dolph's like i don't give a shit guys, shut up

dolph accepts, tries to do the rest in peeeeeeacehmgrlfrgn, bobby shuts him up so he can say glorious some more

but now, main event time

all the matches in this episode have been functional at best, so hopefully this'll pick it up

after this ad for 205 and a recap of all the shit that went down with enzo

and here's a sami

specifically zayn

although i do kind of want him to ride a eindeer to the ring

and here's kevin, no bullshit

bell rings, mutual pummelling begins

these guys are fighting like they're very aware that another segment overran and they don't have a lot of time

so they're just having the same match, but sped up like 20%

sudden cut to another feed, shane is in the building

back in the ring

kevin dodges a crossbody into a beautiful superkick

clip from the ad break of sami hitting a brainbuster on kevin on the apron

okay, yeah, these guys are elevating it

sami jumps over a popup attempt, counters into a blue thunder bomb

kevin dodges a helluva kick, so sami hits an absolutely brutal tope on him instead

and by 'on him' i do of course mean 'largely on his own ankles'

goes for a torpedo ddt, kevin blocks with another superkick

lovely timing there

and hits the apron powerbomb

at which point the ref calls for the bell

because apparently that move was worse than sami's apron brainbuster?

enter some medics to do helpful yet unspecified medical stuff

sami tries to fight them off while being functionally dead in his usual 'dead fish who will fucking have you' style

kevin sits on the announce table watching all this, then decides he sitll has more rage to vent, and bodychecks through sami and all the medics

and now he has a chair

KEVIN OWENS OF EARTH.

YOU HAVE GREAT RAGE IN YOUR HEART.

puts the chair around sami's neck, sets him up to throw him into the post, and HERE COMES THE MONEEEEEEEY

shane mcmahon, a man of deep principles who will only intervene when one of his employees is inches from death

kevin throws sami at him, hitting him in the face with his chair necklace, and runs away

another average day in the life of kevin 'maladjusted preteen' owens

everything focuses on shane and kevin staring at each other between the ring and the top of the stalls, and corey's like ummmm should someone maybe check on sami?

and we fade with that question still hanging in the air

but hey, sami'll be fine

we all know those two are like those irritating paired bosses in every rpg where you have to kill them at the same time or they'll just keep bringing each other back

nothing short of a complete detonation of canada will stop them

and on that bombshell, good night!

(i hate myself)

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Nobody Calls Dean McFly a Nerd

Transmission date: Monday 18/Tuesday 19 September 2017

Yeah, I said this would be 'punctual' and 'up a decent amount of time before the PPV', but hey

i was ill, and also you're not the boss of me

(unless you are)

(in which case my salary hasn't been coming in and we need to talk)

so without any further ado (just kidding, this is gonna be ado city right here) i present to you SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(yeah, you thought it was gonna be sunday, didn't you?)

(daniel did)

(he was super unprepared and is currently eating lunch in his booth)

(it looks delicious)

(bastard)

ahem

yes

wrestles?

opening on an in memoriam for bobby heenan

aww

we're in san jose

i should be able to make some kind of sport joke there but i can't find it

anyway, here's kurt

apparenrtly we have two matches at no mercy that are mania-worthy

casual shade at the rest of the card there

kurt says that's not all, and now here's the miz

with his bros, but not his wife

oh yeah, she's pregnant

that makes sense

boo for the next year or so when i don't get to steal her style ideas

miz, meanwhile, is wearing black trousers and a white jacket and growing a shitty beard

the single look doesn't suit you, mike

he's complaining that he doesn't have a match at mercy

kurt's like dude i was just saying that

jordan/elias/hardyz in a four-way tonight for a shot at him

miz complains that kurt puts his son in the match ahead of his super-qualified and totally legit hangers-on

kurt has had enough of your tone, young man

miz gives him a lecture about responsible fatherhood

see how kurt isn't beating the shit out of him, shane?

this is called being a responsible employer

miz fucked up his words at least twice while i was writing that last sentence

get it together, dude

anyway, here's jj to step to him

and defend his dad's honour

in a new magic eye singlet

i think he's secretly dressed as a tractor

jj asks kurt to put curtis and bo in the match so miz can shut the fuck up

never gonna work, dude

miz says one more thing about his father

gets fucked on, as promised

booker gives sage words about how jj needs to control his temper

dude, did you watch your entire fucking career

for example, jason has never dropped an n-bomb on air

later tonight we have brock and braun being interviewed (bad) and roman giving an address (worse)

but next, alexa/nia

brilliant shot of them walking backstage

alexa's expression of barely-restrained terror sells it

but first have this advert for cena/reigns

because god knows we haven't talked about it enough

back to jj backstage

as kurt storms in to tell him to calm down and focus

jason responds by ranting about what everyone thinks of him

dude, this is the opposite of calm and focus

kurt talks some fatherly shit at him, boils down to #hatersgonnahate

tells him to win the match

bet he never thought of that

but actually now, here's alexa

doing her best 'ignoring the proles but also lowkey bricking it' face

and also nia

bell rings, alexa runs away

like you thought it'd go any other way

eventually gets back in the ring, gets dicked on for a while before trying to talk nia down

and running away again

heads up the ramp, headed off by sasha

and then nia flattens her

(alexa, that is)

sasha's just lurking at ringside like oh hey there

alexa totally just hit a curbstomp on nia

i thought we banned that

alexa sets up on the top rope, goes for a crossbody, gets samoan dropped to death

sasha attacks nia after the pin, gets fucked on

and oh hey, bayley's back

somewhere, emma is just like yknow what i'm good

the three of them face off against nia and take her down

oh my god, i would watch the shit out of sasha, bayley and alexa as the shield

#extremefantasybooking

nia leaves, bayley extravagantly hugs everyone

they both raise alexa's arm, then remember who she is and bayley suplexes her into oblivion

i really should have seen this coming what with it being san jose

+10 hometown boost

cole recommends we go to wwenetworkrightnow.com

someone needs to learn how web addresses work

and also hypes kevin/shane in a cell

which...no

and gameplay ad for 2k18

ooh, it's got billie in

i'll probably play it, but not preorder this one

destiny 2 and injustice 2 exist, along with others

ad for total bellas, which looks less good

and a package of wrestling peeps eulogising heenan

apparently we're gonna get more of those throughout the show

cole tries to do heenan banter, corey shuts him the fuck down

and now, a video package about brock

god, i hate ppv setup shows

this is all footage from 2002

transition straight into mania 30 without a AND THEN HE BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK title card

and along came a strowman

okay, i will never not giggle at the announce table sandwich spot

paul claims that was the first time in brock's life he got carted off the battlefield

see above, re: BROKE HIS FUCKING NECK

this package has just reminded me of luke harper's existence

what happened to him?

internet says him and rowan are still signed, but little else

anyway, package is over, here comes cesaro

and also his best bro

i will never get over their fusion dance pose

actual fact

they're up against the good brothers, who are still jobbing wherever possible because we saw the shit that happens when they get to main even

ad for smackdown, which i am super unhyped for

the aftermath of vince 'blading is awful unless it's me' mcmahon

let's see how that trash fire goes later

sheamus wants to talk to us about nostalgia

and also about how he clearly doesn't understand the difference between sequels and remakes

conclusion: fuck nostalgia

and here come the kkb to fuck it for us

apparentliy seth and dean are both exploiting each other

cesaro responds to what chants by repeating the same phrase half a dozen times

which is kind of great

wait, sheamus has mtn dew and liverpool fc patches

now i need to study the rest of both of their jackets

anyway, they finish their usual proclamations, and now here are seth and dean

seth describes them as like if taxi driver and braveheart had a really ugly baby

seems legit

although i don't love the 'yeah but you look dumb' retort

they talk about brothers a bunch, gives anderson and gallows a perfect chance to cut in

and call seth and dean nerds

seth's like oh no dude you shouldn't have said that

dean is not happy

nobody calls dean mcfly a nerd

cue brawl

ending with seth and dean in the ring and everybody else outside like bwaaaaaahhhhh next time gadget

but fuck that shit, here's an ad for asuka

meanwhile, kurt has once again taken the path of least resistance and made this into a triple threat

expect spots, shenanigans, and a champion win

cesaro and sheamus 100% just kicked gallows in the dick

ref like whatevs i'll allow it

book talks about the good brothers not finding their footing in wwe, cole's like ummmmm dude they were tag champs

this match is primarily seth and dean and the kkb doing rapid tags and good wrestling and anderson and gallows being like yessir we are also here

oh hey, anderson tagged in

had to happen evetually, i guess

cole almost calls gallows 'the big dog', catches himself in time

accidental double hot tag takes us to seth/cesaro, and frankly the other four can go home

weird spot where seth goes for his turnbuckle bomb then has to redirect halfway through to not throw cesaro into anderson and gallows' corner

seth eats a magic killer, dean breaks the pin only to get thrown into a barricade by the kkb

someone in the ring just shouted "sports entertainment!" and i don't know in what context

sheamus and cesaro do their flapjack cutter, then both forget who's legal and roll out of the ring, then both run back in and go for the tag at the same time

with cesaro doing the pin and sheamus just holding seth's right calf

is this a fucking laurel and hardy movie

and then anderson forgets how to set up a superplex

-checks the headlines for an epidemic of fail ravaging san jose-

double double suicide dives from seth and dean

next up in 'spots that make not a single fucking lick of sense when you think about them'...

whatever the good brothers are good at, it's not selling when they take a suicide dive

sheamus blind tags off dean, dean hits dirty deeds on anderson, sheamus steals the pin

would you look at that, a champion victory on a ppv setup show

cole started a sentence with "The Bar claims...", i totally hear the barsgays

cesaro poses on the ramp, sheamus hobbles off backstage, seth and dean don't give a shit

but nowthe miz rallies his troops in the locker room

(if you know what i mean)

bo interrupts like dude i used to do motivational speeches can i criticise your technique

bo and curtis give their cvs, throw some casual shade on their boss

realistically, why is matt hardy in that match?

the others have at least been winning a bunch lately or have had their boss shouting at the gm

has kurt been hassled by seven deities

this video from mania 21 brought to you by pizza hut

ok, but...why?

yes, edge won the first mitb

why are you telling us this now

okay, nobody knows

cole does an awkward segue into cena/reigns

corey forgets how to speak english

don't worry dude, attempting to hype roman reigns matches does that to me too

and now enjoy this video package of the parallel histories of john cena and roman reigns

i remember when there was live wrestling on this show, not like 80% clip shows

(yup, turns out i still hate ppv setup shows)

(however much of a tire fire smackdown is, at least it won't be a ppv setup show)

i really don't get why they can say bitch on the live shows but then censor it out of the video packages

okay, even in retrospect this cena promo was fire

and straight from that into an advert for vince's totally legit head injury

back in the real world (ha), kurt is on the phone

he certainly spends a lot of time on that phone

which is...an accurate representation of management, i guess

kudos, dubby dubby wee

+0.01 reality points

(current score: -89887452.99)

pan over to goldust standing inches from a poster with his back to the room

and then he turns round without paint on

whaaaaaaat

and the bodysuit undone partly as well

he wants another shot against bray in his real face

which raises the question: if he wins, why was the paint there in the first place

some kind of anime power limiter?

leaves, then pops back in to snap in kurt's face as usual

but in the ring, it's curt hawkins

woo

he's closed the star factory

and replaced it with the curt hawkins history machine

huh?

he's going to make history by ending his 114-match loss streak

well, that makes sense i guess

at least he's aware of his failings

and here comes apollo crews

the apathy is just rolling in off the crowd in waves

titus is here too

corey is either listing the current roster of titus worldwide or naming random celebrities

hard to tell

apollo shows off all the athleticism and none of the charisma, as ever

curt actually gets a nearfall, which is good for him

ticker advertises raw next week for 'ontario, CA'

ok, a) CA is a real state abbreviation, and b) ontario is big

unless it's going to be on the road through ontario in some kind of epic monday night raw travelling roadshow

i'd watch it

anyway, while i was distracted by the ticker, apollo won

i love how his 115-match streak gets an onscreen graphic

up next, brock and braun talk

sigh

after a small dancing child with cancer

it's an ad, ftr

not dolph trying another new gimmick

great, here they are

complete with paul growing out of brock's left shoulder

long beat before paul remembers his client can't talk until at least halfway through the segment

got to pace himself

braun: "My actions speak for my words!"

...i got nothin

some next-level uplit glower coming from braun though

which i just read back as 'quilt glamour'

next big aesthetic of 2017

this lighting makes braun's tattoos look like absolute shit

i'd provide a pic, but then i'd have to keep looking at them as i tracked one down

just trust me

i think it's the combination of veins and scar tissue

the way this shot is arranged, brock looks like an uncomfortable child as his parents argue over his head

paul decides cole's interview displeases him, so he's writing his own

tbf, cole is entirely unnecessary in this situation

yay, brock's warmed up

leans into camera, and the scale difference makes him and paul look like an 80s album cover

oh hey, brock got to do a mild swear

quick, let's censor it out of all future broadcasts

and the segment's over

thank god

and next...roman delivers a message

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE

after these recaps of the women's title happenings

yeah, primarily making me double down on the fact that a women's trios competiton would be rad

and they've added bayley to the no mercy match?

for reasons

emma complains on twitter, and she's kind of right

but now (sigh) roman reigns

the presence of roman has made cole forget what time of year it is

he is just a well of negative thought

standard loooooooong-ass beat before he talks

opens by bigging up cena's talking skills

maybe a bad start

and then probably swears? the tape delay caught it

namechecks alex riley as the boring white version of himself

which is...fair, tbh

calls cena a bitch again, take a shot as you despair for the writers' lack of better material

rolls a vt from 20fucking12

of cena basically having the same problem with the rock as roman has with cena

the main difference being i don't want to punch past cena in the face rn

the real angle we want to see is cena v past cena

get on it, r&d

roman calls cena out for not being here today

is smug af

halfway decent promo, but tbh most of the good bits were shamelessly ripped from cena material

which, hey, steal from the best

in any case, he's gone

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

asks them how they're going to deal with fighting each other in the 6-pack

they're both like welp, it's kind of what we do

matt does the broken accent for one line, everyone pops

and wyatt cut

i like to think matt is still in full flow and just hasn't realised the cameras are off

but yeah, here's bray

and here's a total bellas ad

strong juxtaposition

and also an asuka ad

led with a quote from fucking sun tzu

excuse me while i sigh so hard my lungs collapse

they're on a big push in china

so someone must have realised it isn't the same country as japan

and yet

this summerslam recap slideshow is mostly a chance for bray's music to keep playing so we can here the full track

which is fucking great

and here's

dustin rhodes

the dramatic renaming is slightly let down by the fact that both his tron and the fucking clothes he's wearing say GOLDUST in big letters

could they not have just put him in some generic gear for this match

cole has clearly just ctrl+f'd his internal monologue, and now he's awkwardly calling dustin rhodes by his full name at every opportunity

but yeah, if you were trying to be the man behind the gimmick, why would you still be wearing the hey-look-at-my-junk bodysuit?

pins bray in the corner ropes, kicks him twice in the inner thigh (honestly officer), and then eats a sister abigail for the pin anyway

cue finn on the tron

dustin can't even have this loss to himself

finn is here to tell a story about his youth

in the form of the next big YA novel

i would totally read a novel series anbout a fictionalised finn bálor

finn points out that even the man behind the demon is a man who made himself a demon

so not exactly harmless

reason 1745 i love finn bálor: understanding of symbology

after this bobby heenan memorial, enzo will be here

so i kind of hope it lasts half an hour

and now the announce team awkwardly eulogise some more

and cut to a video package of his greatest moments

this is about 409000% better than enzo turning up

oh fuck, here he is

i am loving the number of boos he's getting

oh thank fuck here comes braun our lord and saviour to bodycheck him into the underworld

casually chucks him into the ring over the top rope from the floor

san jose loves him

spinebuster to death, then powerslam out the other side

walks off, neville turns up while he's halfway up the ramp

gives the angry giant a wide berth

and red arrows enzo for shits

demands a mic, does enzo's shuffle and how you doin', leaves

and san jose fucking loves him

beating up enzo is not good for your heel heat

oh wait, apparently he's sticking around for a fight

after this ad for smackdown

and this recap vt of enzo getting dunked on

cut to charly interviewing enzo in the trainer's room

he's like woe is me i am dead

but btw i'm still gonna win on sunday

but in any case, now it's neville v gran metalik

rip el rey de las cuerdas

neville tears his mask open

ooooooooooooh

-shocked silence-

metalik responds with a lovely step-up tope

neville intercepts a moonsault into the rings of saturn, successfully stands up to lucha rage

and now after beating enzo, he's painted a huge target on his back for every luchador in the company

but now a hispanic heritage month thing about jennifer lopez

for whatever reason

it's worth noting that we're halfway through september, and wwe hasn't mentioned it until they have time to fill on a ppv setup show

one ad for 205 later, here's elias to open the main event reunion tour

he is disappointed in san jose

but also in all his opponents, so there's that

threatens a child in the audience that he'll get them and their mother kicked out of san jose

do...do wrestlers have that power?

and here's a diss track about his opponents and also btw san jose

interrupted by the hardyz before he can get to their verse

ooh, jeff's gone back to his old pre-mermaid arms sleeves

in all their improbable glory

and curtis and bo don't even have their own entrance any more

oh, and they get their boss to come with them

well, i guess he'd be coming on announce or w/e anyway

ok, no, he's just gonna lurk

and commence huge brawl

someone's brought miz his studio chair for ringside

brief moment where it looks like the heels are all going to work together, then elias is like ohhhh wait i'm a huge dick -kicks bo in the kidneys-

incredibly slow tower of doom setup for the hardyz to suplex the miztourage superplexing jj

elias goes for the cheap pin, jeff breaks it

and then elias eats a poetry in motion for good measure

matt then immediately turns on his brother, side effect for a nearfall

jj deploys approximately 63% of the world's suplexes, miz throws him into the audience because no rules motherfuckers

matt twist of fates bo for a nearfall, broken by elias

who then hits drift away on matt, pin broken by jeff

crotch drops elias, swantons axel, miz breaks the pin

and jj hits kind of a meh neckbreaker for the cheap pin

insistent crowd member with an I PAID TO SEE DANA BROOKE sign

oh, honey

miz comes into the ring to sarcastically applaud jj

and then tries to punch him and gets suplexed to death

until curtis and bo come in to kick some shit out of him

and finale

and some post-beatdown smacktalk from the miz

calls him a bastard, which we can get away with when it's used in its technical sense

and fade on the twat triumphant

(my new feminist porn site)

...

that's the worst joke i've ever made on here

i am sorry

right, this is normally where i would roll on to smackdown

but, while i do have a weekly quota of sweaty men falling over, it's about to be filled by the new season of strictly

i have diverse interests

so until i get back, here's a line to tide you over

----------------------------------

damn, that was a good line

and if anyone was expecting another kind, you are seriously overestimating our budget here

so failing that, how about some SUNDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN?

(yeah, no mercy starts in like nine and a half hours)

(this whole punctuality thing was never going to take)

so yes

do the show

oh god this is going to be the vince mcmahon drama hour, isn't it

now lasting two hours

raw was mostly bullshit, expect this to be bullshit for other reasons

oh hey, let's kick off with a recap of the whole angle

if you can't remember what happened, read this blog more carefully?

really can't help you with that

oh hey, i want to punch vince in the throat again

funny how quickly that comes back

they've put so much reverb and filters on this audio that kevin is basically unrecognisable

his name is legion

ok, yeah, i'll never not pop for vince getting the shit kicked out of him really

we're in oakland today, so [topical joke about the a's]

and opening with some shane

commence the dramening

whoever designed the graphics for hiac this year needs to calm the fuck down

HANDS AND SKULLS ALL HANDS AND SKULLS HANDS OPENING A SKULL HELL IN A CEEEEEEEEEEELL

apparently vince had three fractured ribs

and shane is now here to sing his praises and how much he loves him

one day they'll work out what they want the image of the mcmahon family to be

shane condemns kevin to hell in the cell [sic]

work out the name of your show, dude

HANDS AND SKULLS AND FIIIIIIIIIRE

okay, now i need to calm down

but later tonight in other angles, corbin/styles for the concept of an open challenge

but next, randy

come back shane, all is forgiven

well

most is forgiven

but first, have this ad for cena/reigns

again

i miss creepy cheerleader cult alexa

oh, and here's aiden english

guess we know what randy's here for

sweet lennon shades, dude

aiden provides his own dubiously-scanning version of randy's music

calls him a tool, gets a massive pop

keep the faith, oakland

shot of the announce table reminds me once more of the a+ announce team on here

and here's randy

oh look, still a tool

"this could be a well-laid plan by aiden english...or it could be a crucifixion"

byron saying what we're all thinking

my money's in column b

guy at the front of the round with a kane sign is either slightly ahead of events or significantly behind

we will see tonight

aiden takes a backbreaker on the barricade, then slams randy into the announce table anyway

nice to see him get some solid offence

still gonna lose, but

gets a thumb to randy's eye while he argues with the ref

adding randy to the calm the fuck down list

and then counters a top rope crossbody into a shoddy-ass rko

handy slowmo replay of the shittiness of that finisher

oh hey, here's rusev to defend the honour of musical theatre

or possibly to recover his honour in the eyes of the noble people of bulgaria

or to...rip randy's teeth out?

esoteric threat there

randy agrees to the match, then immediately gets momentarily distracted by aiden and kicked in the face for the pin

rusev then runs off up the ramp instead of getting down to tooth-ripping

i'm simultaneously disappointed and thankful

stands on the stage, rejoices at his reclaimed honour

oh, but tom has news

kevin will be here via satellite

from the next room

seems inefficient, but hey

tradition

also tonight, charlotte's back to talk about her dad

but now, here's jinder

walking backstage sharing smug stories with his crew

and he'll be here after this ad for kids with cancer

what's the opposite of an ad?

an avert?

but then it'd just be an a

appropriately for oakland i guess

BOOOOOOOM SPORTS JOKE

damn, i'm good

ad for total bellas, and now rusev is freaking out backstage

renee comes to interview him, has to immediately explain the word 'elated'

rusev is off back to bulgaria to be a hero again

but now, here are the singhs and their amazing alveolar trills

and also their boss

in a possibly ill-advised spotted shirt

or maybe i just spend too much time critiquing wrestlers' fashion choices

jinder is doubling down on mocking shinsuke's face

this is the most incisive and well-written angle

the singhs are continuing to find jinder's jokes more hilarious than is healthy

and now jinder's getting at the crowd for being racist against japanese people?

sure, dude

they've spun a really long mic spot out of one pic of shinsuke and a bunch of racism

oh, and there's the japanese people can't say /l/ joke

credit to oakland for all just going oooooooooh there

this is genuinely breathtakingly racist

crowd start a that's too far chant

p sure he crossed that line weeks back, but welcome to the party

we have whisky and non-discriminatory humour

does some ranting in punjabi to 3% of the people of his alleged country, end segment

the announcers are all like yeah, that was a bit much

let's move on and try to forget that

up next, corbin/styles

in the allegedly open title challenge

after this repeat of the video about j-lo off raw

remember last year when they did the whole month of different latinx people?

but sure

but now, renee interviews shinsuke

who's like yeah that jinder's a funny guy -lowkey furious-

and then leaves

and here's aj

and a replay of styles/dillinger last week

that was a good match

aj has thoughts about kevin/shane

he thinks kevin shouldn't be messing with the man who brought aj to the wwe and started smackdown live

remember mania?

but now to talk shit about "shortcut king" baron

and list his recent failures

(which are hilarious)

and here comes the dick himself

with his new intro i still don't quite get

corey is talking shit about baron for seeing the us belt as a trophy

which...it is?

gregg mentions aj's weight, and i get briefly distracted by the fact that he'd only need to cut a few pounds to be a cruiserweight and how good aj/cedric would be

anyway, while i thought about that, baron attacked aj before the bell, leading tye to run in and take the fight to him

refs have removed tye, but baron's selling a fucked leg

so aj puts him in the calf crusher as well, cos why wouldn't you

hit aj's music, guess the thing's over

with baron rolling around at ringside going OW MY LEG

we get it, dude

but up next, charlotte

after pizza hut gives us a random clip of the past

this time, it's mitb 2011

i have no fucking clue what rationale they pick these clips on

but hey, it's nice to watch bryan win things

and here's baron hobbling around backstage

renee comes to interview him, he screams about feeling violated

not sure that was where you wanted to go with that, dude

swears vengeance, end thing

and here's charlotte

in street clothes

and oh look, she and her dad have written a book and it's out today

such coincidence

remember when charlotte was meant to be her own thing distinct from her family?

she's here to thank everyone for their tweets and positive energy

or possibly thoughts and prayers

the former seems more likely these days

but ric is apparently going to be ok, so i can resume talking shit about him without feeling bad about it

one day he'll die and i'll feel momentarily bad for all the crap i've said about him before going on with my life

charlotte has learnt an important lesson about the fragility of life and shit

and here's nattie to be insensitive

she's like cool your dad's ok but let's talk about the important shit

nattie is hosting wwe's first ever celebration of women?

it's totally a thing they should do

but we have a heel doing it, so this is going to be shitty

okay, yeah, it's going to be celebrating all women by looking at nattie in particular

because we're all basically her

charlotte's just like yeah whatever i want a title shot

good shutdown

and here's becky to be sarcastic

in a really nice waistcoat

and also challenge for the title

oh, and here's naomi

who can imagine why

in an enormous white pimp robe

sure

i take it back

an enormous multicoloured pulsing pimp robe

she doesn't even get to say she wants a shot before tamina and lana cut in

lana's here to talk about how bitches ain't shit and her client deserves a shot

so nattie has a tantrum outside the ring about all these women overshadowing her celebration of women

here's noted non-woman daniel bryan to weigh in

making the main event a four-way for a title shot

remember when there was more than one angle in the division?

of course you don't

never happened

and up next, new day/hype bros

the building may explode with enthusiasm

after this ad for brock/braun, at least

back in the room, the bros are already here

and the usos are on announce

lovely shot of someone in the crowd joining in with the new day intro but forgetting how many times they've been champs

loving all the match card graphics, where big e is totally doing his best broken matt hardy

meanwhile in the match, mojo steals e's ab stretch spank thing

but yeah, they've announced new day/usos rematch at hiac

like anyone didn't know that was coming

e takes a broski boot, kofi shows he can fuck a team up on his own

zack tries for a rollup, eats a midnight hour for the pin

usos front, new day party, end thing

but now let's go back to the mcmahon drama

leading with a recap of vince getting beat on

and now here's kevin via satellite from what looks like a high school theatre supplies room

still life with canadian, spotlight and big red square, 2017

kevin is sorry for what he did, but it's all shane's fault for making him want to do it

claims to have nothing but respect for vince

he's also apologising in advance for the carnage at hiac

and maintaining that he's the good guy here

end thing

have a graphic for the women's four-way

and an ad for john cena's superhero body spray

which you should not attempt

and now here are the hype bros backstage

mojo is tired of losing all the time

proposes drastic action

but now here's dolph

presumably to complain about gimmicks

which he's made into its own gimmick, so it's only a matter of time before wrestling collapses in on itself

and then i'll have to watch scandinavian crime dramas for this blog or something

daniel's ears pricked up at that

i told you, no cable knit jumpers in my studio

in any case, dolph is now being hhh

"Was that fun? Can I run NXT now?"

and now he has more things

corey is filled with rage and despair

and now he's hbk

except modern hbk

hat and flares, no shades or weird bondage vest

oakland is united in wanting him to do cm punk

dolph ziggler, celebrity impressionist

dolph rants some more, goes back out

and now he's in dx

remember when we had cumbersome overlays as part of entrances

i kind of love it

the dx music is still great, too

dolph rails against dx trying to stay relevant, despite the fact that they haven't been since the late 90s

shouts at the crowd for not appreciating the craft

and he doesn't care about the crowd

cares enough to choreograph numerous elaborate entrances with costumes and props and shit, but hey

and then wanders off

is this going anywhere in particular, or is it just that we had some time to fill?

announce team move swiftly on to hyping no mercy

but next, main event

i'm not optimistic for the chances of the one heel in this match

especially because it's tamina, and she doesn't get to win things

after this ad for 2k18, in any case

back in the ring, becky's already here

but fuck that, let's have an ad for 205

oh, and tamina's already here too

becky at least got music

and here's naomi

showing us that enormous fur robes are actually really hard to dance in

i do like her mismatched eyeshadow though

charlotte's back in one of her dad's robes, which makes a certain amount of sense

i still miss peacock queen charlotte

oh, and lana's lurking at ringside

hadn't noticed

match starts, immediately go to a roman/cena ad

because why bother actually watching the main event

all three faces briefly team up to dunk on tamina, because why wouldn't you

naomi springboard crossbodies charlotte and becky simultaneously, cos she's great

pan out to nattie watching the match and looking smug

naomi gets her submission on charlotte, becky breaks it up so she can disarmher naomi

because submission wrestling goes so well in a four-way

charlotte spears tamina, it's pretty great

and then moonsaults her and naomi simultaneously

i talk a lot of shit about charlotte, but it's good to have her back

becky breaks a figure eight with a leg drop, which seems dangerous as fuck

everyone is dead

becky takes a samoan drop and then a splash from tamina, naomi breaks up the pin in a really cool way, lana pulls her out and gets fucked on, and then something i didn't quite catch put tamina down for a pin by charlotte

oh right

superkicked naomi, then took a big boot from charlotte

she does do a very big boot indeed

so yeah, charlotte/nattie at hiac

feel like we've seen this before

but hey, who am i to expect variation and originality in wrestling

and we fade on charlotte being like fuck yeah my dad isn't dead also something about a match

right, hopefully this'll get posted before no mercy

if it does, hmu on twitter @waruce if you don't already

but for now, i'm off to watch the rest of the week's wrestling before i run out of week

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #wre

2 notes · View notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - More Like PerestroiKO

Broadcast date: Monday 11/Tuesday 12 September 2017

Brought to you by the function 3x+6 and the cuneiform logogram DIĜIR, this is MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(should have done this earlier, fell asleep, so sue me)

and we're starting with a moment of silence

christ, yeah, it's the 9/11 episode

fun and jokes on my blog today

oh, and a sombre text crawl

great

someone breaks the silence with a woo, usa chants begin

i get the feeling i'm gonna be sighing at america a lot tonight

oh hey, and apparently brock's gonna be here tonight

woooo

and cena/strowman, which should be fun

but for now, here comes the opposite of fun

in the form of roman reigns

oh, and apparently he's fighting jason

good way to get jj over as a face, i guess

he enters, the crowd goes tepid

recap of cena/jordan from last week

that was a good match

and video of the less-good smacktalk session following that match

so now roman gets to put his money where his shit is

if roman loses this, i just want cena to turn up and laugh for ten minutes straight

oh hey, pan out to cena watching the match

preliminary scuffling, punctuated by roman perfecting his scorn laugh

and getting punched in his smug face

booker is getting very excited about roman

well, i guess someone has to

roman cocks his fist, goes for it, jj reverse into a crossface because seriously, fuck that face

pan out again to cena looking deeply dissatisfied

truly, a man of the people

that's what we all look like when roman's winning things

okay, i hate roman reigns and all the things he does, but even i have to admit that samoan drop counter was pretty sweet

but now we're back to jj suplexing him to the underworld, so all is good

corey claims jj is "driven by failure"

truly, the next great renewable energy source

booker magnanimously agrees to stop calling jason a rookie, despite the bit where he was nxt and smackdown tag champ

jason exposes his shoulders (his other fuel source), hits the rolling double northern lights for a nearfall

then crossface for a near finish

booker sarcastically calls jj "what [roman] calls a rookie"

you were calling him that THREE FUCKING MINUTES AGO, YOU COLOSSAL WANKSPONGE

roman bullfights jj really hard into the post, superman punch, goes oooooo, spear for the pin

pan out to cena looking begrudgingly impressed

tense faceoff

roman gives jj the handshake

that'll do, pig

pan out again, and now charly is there

asks cena for his thoughts, he's just like i'm gonna go out there and tell him myself

after this total bellas ad

he didn't say that last part, but i know he understands the value of his wife's brand

(wait, are they marrried yet?)

cena drops his towel on the stage, camera focuses on it for a weirdly long time

forgoes his run to the ring to do a thug strut instead

clearly the camera guy needs to work on their cardio

cena appreciates that

thoughtfully gets two mics before getting into the ring

throws roman one with a comment about his fashion sense

asks for his thoughts, suggests some helpful catchphrases so he doesn't have to talk too long

roman claims to have had more good matches in two years than cena has in his career

cena's just like dude, seriously, stop talking, you're burying yourself

calls him a one-man human centipede

keep it pg, john

cena challenges himself every day to try everything

take that as you will

cena gets up in roman's face about how he's shat the bed on every opportunity available

not inaccurate

roman calls him a bitch

devastating comeback

roman claims to be solely responsible for raw's ticket sales

paul heyman's like um

disparages cena's hollywood aspirations, offers to introduce him to a guy

cena's like at no mercy, consider me like a drug test, you ain't getting past me

crowd goes oooooooooooh

even roman smirks

and swagger off

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after this advert for lesnar/strowman

(and if their compound couple name isn't lensman, i'll punch something)

and another one for cute kids with cancer

(and the prevention of such things)

and now that's all done with, here's sasha

in an even nicer jacket than usual

fighting emma, who doesn't get an intro this time

siiiiiigh

i mean, i hate her new music, but still

oh, and alexa's materialised on announce

and inside the ring, emma has 100% stolen alexa's iron man gear

first the music, then the space cop gear

where will it end

oh hey, here comes nia

who gets her full intro despite being in street clothes and there being a fucking match in progress

cut to ads, and when we get back nia's got a seat on announce too

like oh hey guys don't mind me

oh, there's still a match happening

who knew

wow, this is tepid as fuck

like, i love all four of these, but they're still conspiring to make this segment so dull

and bank statement from nowhere for the tap

so yeah, that happened

still optimistic for the four-way, though

and not just because the fallout from that would be the perfect moment to debut asuka

but now, let's have an overdramatic recap package of braun/show coming out of their cage

(and feeling just fine)

(yeah, i stole that joke, but it's perfect, so fuck off)

apparently show got injured

so, yknow, swings and roundabouts

(and we all know i can get away with that because a) it's almost definitely a work, and b) it's the big show)

brock up next

greeeeeeat

after this advert for smackdown, now with 100% more mcmahonity

oh wait, shane got suspended

so i guess the number stays the same

just been shot with a mad science aging ray

anyway, yeah, brock is here

which is why i'm distracting myself with jokes about the mathematics of mcmahons

(mcmahoths?)

paul continues to get mad pops by saying his name and listing adjectives

paul's just like i'm meant to be here to sell you on no mercy, but it's already generated all the hype in the world

possibly untrue

confirmed: braun's announce table origami combo sounds a lot dumber when a middle-aged accountant type describes it without the aid of video replays

paul says braun will need to rip the championship from brock's hands if he wants it

paul throws in some ufc references, because apparently people still pop for that

paul calls braun out with some enormous histrionics

and here he comes

brock tries to go straight into suplexes, gets punched in his grinning idiot face

then lands one, braun just stands up like nope

and chokeslams him

this is the shit i do like

and then running powerslam

fuck you, mr lesnar

picks up the belt so he can contemplate it for a bit, then stands on brock so he can brandish it aloft

then sarcastically puts it down on brock's chest and pats it like you just take care of my belt for a couple weeks

and swaggers off while brock lies in the ring hugging his belt

apparently tonight, we have miztv with enzo

what did we do to deserve this

but up next, bray does a thing

after cole tells us about the hurricanes

the crowd stay as classy and respectful as they ever do in a serious moment

by which i do of course mean they woo like a bunch of owls on meth

and now here comes goldust

you're not bray

although it is nice to see him actually get a match rather than just sending in his videos

ah, here's bray

doing a sermon over the tron first

continuing his crusade against people who wear face paint

bray wyatt vs icp confirmed for mania 34

booker boldly theorises that bray may be more concerned with collecting his enemies' souls rather than championships

no shit, dude

did you miss the bit where he delivered a screaming promo while anointing himself with the ashen earth from the burnt grave of the devil's sister or something

bray wins in about two minutes, doesn't even need to do the spider walk

did give goldust a chance to show off that he can still do this shit, though

bray produces a handkerchief, proceeds to scrub the paint off goldust's face to the boos of the crowd

proclaims that HE'S JUST A MAAAAAN

no shit

that paint slides right off if he fights for more than a couple minutes

finn takes offence, rushes the ring and chases bray away

bray walks slowly backwards up the ramp while giving finn uncomfortable eye contact, end thing

but now, charly interviews sheamus and cesaro

and the camera guy works very hard trying to keep the three of them in frame together

it's not really possible

apparently they're gonna leave seth and dean with punctured lungs at no mercy

seems excessive

but yeah, they're fighting the good brothers next

after this advert for the myc final

(it was great, thanks for asking)

seth and dean are on announce

dean's brought binoculars and a notepad so he can scout the competition

cole's like um dude, you know we have monitors

dean teaches seth how to use binoculars

and now they're scoring gallows and anderson on their fashion sense

and then derail the kkb's entrance by shittalking them

and then getting in a fight

and anderson and gallows can't bear to leave a good fight unjoined, so run up the ramp to brawl

gallows punches sheamus so hard his kilt falls off

security pulls them all apart, announce team are like welp guess that's a no on the match

but now, have this tapout body spray advert, featuring john cena as a presumably attractive-smelling superhero

and now you get a recap video of the team brawls we just had

cut to kurt's office, seth and dean demand a match against FUCKING EVERYONE tonight

kurt says they can have it, as long as they find two partners to even the numbers

crowd knows where this is going, immedately begins the delete chants

dean promises to find some, even if they have to go to disneyworld and bring back mickey mouse and batman

kurt clarifies that their partners do in fact have to be real people

dean shrugs like w/e man i can't tell the difference i just did a whole bunch of speed and some moss i found growing under the storm drain outside my apartment well i say apartment it's a sheet of corrugated iron against a wall under a bridge well i say wall it's a bear i knifed in a fight over half a can of special brew well at least that's what mad harry who makes it calls it anyway i don't care let's fucking GOOOOOO

(possible paraphrase)

they leave kurt to be like hmm, i guess batman would be a great partner

oh hey, here's a promo clip for asuka

confirmed for raw

but then, we all knew that was coming

pan out to nia watching it like pah

alexa appears at her elbow to be like gawd all these randos turning up in our division and our matches the fuck is wrong with people

does a spot-on emma impression

calls nia her best friend, she's immediately like ummmmmm no

alexa claims all their troubles are just because she has trouble expressing her emotions

nia's like cool let's be friends oh btw i asked kurt for a match with you next week

walks off, slow zoom on alexa's face like WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT

up next, elias has a new song, after this ad for champions

i love how they're always like OMG DEBUTING A NEW SONG

has he ever reused material

well, here he is, still shedding names like a snake with some kind of dermatological disorder

crowd are weirdly supportive, then surprised when he badmouths their city

(which turns out to be anaheim)

have they ever watched his segments before

oh, and here's kalisto

one day, elias will finish a song

i have faith

cole refers to kalisto as a lucha libre

the man is his own style

i have but moments to appreciate the rusk-style elias world tour shirt he's got before he shreds it like the new regeneration of hulk hogan

wait a second, why isn't kalisto competing in the cruiserweight decision yet?

that'd be great

anyway, he gets stomped on and neckbroken for the pin

speaking of underappreciated former nxt tag champs

but up next, jaun strowna

after another ad for smackown

and here's john again

he's found his towel again

leaves it on the announce table, because it's one of the things they're auctioning

so fair enough

cena grimaces up the ramp a bit, rips his shirt off while waiting for braun to turn up

roars into the arena, fashionably late as ever

stands in the ring pawing at the ground for a bit

wait, are we meant to be getting bullfight vibes from this?

is cena going to start sticking spears into braun's shoulders to slow him down

pan out to roman watching the match, holding a towel for some reason

braun's getting like 90% of the offense in this, and it's great

frankly, any time braun strowman dropkicks soemone, i am entirely on board with it

the crowd agree

i think they're trying to get braun heel heat here, not sure anyone gives a shit

i mean, i know it's mostly to get cena further over as a face, but still

braun's built a massive stock of goodwill off trying to murder roman reigns

they keep making a thing in this of john going for the aa but not being able to get strowman in the air

i get where they're going, but we've seen him aa big show and pick brock lesnar up with one arm

these power levels are more wildly inconsistent than dbz

cena sets up a five knuckle shuffle, braun just stands up and turns it into a spinebuster

cena gets an aa off it anyway for some reason, braun makes it out of the ring

and then hits him with the ring steps for a dq

wait, they're not treating this like it's over

are they somehow arguing that braun was just holding them when cena ran into them

i understand nothing

and then braun powerslams him onto the steps, which would be completely normal usually but causes a dq here

wait

they're playing his music

are they playing that as the medics called it off?

i have no fucking clue

charly turns up to interview roman, he says something banal that i managed to just tune out entirely

give it a few more weeks, and eventually every time he opens his mouth all i'll hear will be womp womp womp like charlie brown's teacher

but up next, miztv with enzo

sighhhhhhh

after this ad for total bellas

(also sigh)

and one for the myc final

(non-sigh)

but now, dean tries to recruit random runners into their tag team

seth's like yeahhhhhh maybe not

and then they run into dean malenko and a friend?

and decide against it

and then the hardyz

there we go

matt's being even more obviously broken than usual

and here are team miz

maryse in a bright red power suit that, as ever, i would wear the fuck out of

bo still hasn't given ariya his jacket back yet

ooh, apparently miz and maryse have an announcement

maryse is pregnant

and they're both just looking genuinely happy and it's so different to normal miz segments

so of course, miz immediately takes the opportunity to talk shit about kurt angle's parenting

starts reading a prepared speech about fatherhood, enzo cuts in with his intro

what a bellend

dressed even more than the create-a-wanker 'randomise' function than usual

claims he's just coming to celebrate with friends, makes eyes at maryse

miz just immediately tears him a new one about his lack of solo prospects

i love angry miz

just like listen dude, i understand being hated, so let me tell you: everyone fucking ~haaaaaaaaates~ you

wow, yeah, this is just miz absolutely unleashing

see, enzo, this is how you talk smack that people understand

enzo responds by shouting at him about realness

yeah, enzo, copying someone's finisher is totally a heinous act that you would never do

promises to come back to raw with the cruiserweight belt and beat miz too

miz pledges to show enzo what a real champion looks like, dedicates his victory to their unborn child

yknow, as you do

cut to ads, during which kurt agreed to the match on the grounds that once a wrestling match has been proposed, it 100% has to happen

miz's opponent immediately runs out of the ring to rant on mic for once

must be unfamiliar territory for him

miz returns the favour while mashing enzo's face into the apron

and then foolishly decides to pause to talk on mic while on the top rope

gets inevitably crotched

enzo takes the opportunity to question the baby's parentage, miztourage join in on kicking yet more shit out of him

dq sounded, miz doesn't even slightly care

but up next, the 8-man tag we all expected

ads for our other shows later, cut backstage and enzo's coughing blood and reconsidering his life choices

runs into neville, who gives an award-winning cackle and walks off

seth and dean do solo intros this time

they really need to get some kind of joint intro

what would that sound like

who could say

although i am a bit attached to BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

match begins, i am distracted from matt hardy's shambling weirdness by his sweet-ass trousers

matt gets sheamus and cesaro on the outside, jeff does poetry in motion over the ropes because OH MY GOD AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUMP OFF A THING

i sometimes feel like matt needs to stop enabling his brother

if you thought this match would be huge and messy, you win nothing because of fucking course it is

enjoyable though

cesaro nearly stacks it off the top rope setting up for a flying uppercut/back senton combo, matt kind of flips sideways through the ropes to get the break, gets their at about a count of five to find out the ref had stopped the count at two anyway

dean manages to escape a magic killer attempt to punch gallows in the throat

seth finally hot tags in, burns everyone down

including completely no-selling anderson's attempts to interfere from outside

matt hits gallows with a twist of fate, then the hardyz intimidate the kkb away from the ring while seth and dean hit kingslayer to dirty deeds for the pin on anderson

sheamus and cesaro stand at the top of the ramp doing their thumb thing, the faces stand in the ring celebrating their actual use of tactics for once, and so we fade

i say 'we'

but as we all know, this is the blog that never sleeps

(offer not valid when i miss updates because i overslept)

so i think it's high time we rolled on some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

oh god, it's going to include vince and his floppy swagger

fuuuuuuuuuck

daniel, queue something else instead

okay, according to daniel, our machines are timelocked and you can only change the video queue between 11:03 and 11:36

yknow, every week it becomes more and more clear to me why we get these offices for free

well, if it's gonna play anyway, let's get our down smacked and we open on the ongoing shane/kevin controversy

this remains one of the more close-to-the-bone promos in recent times

wow, this is a long recap

previously on smackdown (and assuming neither you nor anyone you know has watched it)

so yes, we're in vegas, and we're making this into an event episode because we don't have a ppv for a little while

and also because vince has sufficiently recovered from the last time he was exposed to Earth air

anyway, here's kevin

and i had forgotten how good this announce team was

kevin welcomes us to his show, reiterates his deep and abiding trauma and restraint when he didn't fight back

so now when he's sued everybody in wwe to death we're gonna get "Kevin Owens Presents: The Kevin Owens Show, starring Kevin Owens"

pledges to fire sami and make tom and byron share a suit

and cancel the fashion files

right, officially irredeemable now

calls vince out so he can talk business

foolishly calls out "Mr McMahon", so here's...dolph?

doing shane's entrance

sure, why not

kevin's like oh thank fuck a talented man who works here, i thought it was shane

lets him have the gimmick, since nobody's using it

and off he goes

kevin starts announcing more grand plans

and here's the other man who might have something to say about that

bryan just strolls into the ring like oh hey you don't actually run this show, i still exist

kevin promises bryan he'll still have a fulfilling job as a janitor on the kevin owens show

bryan hits back with a crack about kevin's weight

sighhhhh

sort it out, dude

ominously promises the imminent arrival of the vince

kevin's basically like yeah whatever -drops mic, walks off-

so yes, later tonight we have new day/usos street fight for the title, naomi/nattie for that title, and tye/aj for -that- title

and that last one is apparently up next

after this ad for cena/roman

which i just read back as 'catwoman', despite having written it myself

and now a moment as tom and corey tell us about natural disaster season

but back to the wrestles, here's aj

and a vt of the ongoing dillinger/us championship thing

here's tye, and this time they've actually synced his tron properly

bell rings, commence to UNNECESSARILY FAST WRESTLING

but then, anything to distract us all from tye's hairstyle

baron runs in, aj redirects a phenomenal forearm to hit him in the face

tye doesn't quite get the distraction pin, then fights out of a styles clash attempt to hit a really nice tye breaker

aj kicks out at 2.99994, then reverses another thing into a calf crusher for the tap

good match

like, felt short, but that's just the problem with this show only being two hours

tye hobbles to his feet, aj gives him the handshake, respect and love all around

and here comes baron to ruin everything

throws aj over the barricade, clotheselines tye, then end of days to aj on the floor

before announcing that next week, aj's opponent in the us title open challenge will be him

someone still needs to learn the meaning of 'open'

and now some woman i don't recognise interviews rusev, both of them speaking with the conviction of a hostage delivering their captor's demands

apparently bulgaria has turned its back on rusev after his failure

so now he has to kill randy to get his mojo back

or poorly-thought-out words to that effect

but up next, jinder does a thing

after a total bellas ad and a supremely tacky exterior shot of vegas, that is

here are the singhs, holding a note longer every week

and here comes the man himself, jinder mahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal

in a dark green suit/brown shirt combo that i actually kind of dig

match graphic for hiac revealed

hell in a cell 2017: this year it's METAL AS FUCK

surprisingly notable maharaja chant going there

big punjabi-canadian community in vegas, clearly

jinder promises to get inside shinsuke's head

a process that seems to consist of putting pictures of him up and laughing at them

aaaaaaand there goes the poop joke

wow

way to aim high

the singhs find this possibly dangerously funny

oh wow, calling him a michael jackson ripoff

nobody's noticed that

oh, and there's a racist stereotype

people laugh, jinder's like see, fucking americans

promises shinsuke that if he wins the belt, he too will get shat on by racists

(while being racist)

transitions into ranting in punjabi mid-sentence

cut backstage, where kevin is dictating a list of his demands as showrunner

including a limo for his buddy jimmy

oh hey, here's sami

this won't be awkward

kevin doesn't even try not to gloat

sami's like cool, whatever, literally anything will be preferable to working for you

up next, new day v usos in a sin city street fighter 3rd strike

(it's possible i should have stopped typing earlier than i did)

but first, cute kids with cancer again

and i hold myself back from being as excoriating as usual

(if you're wondering whether bottling up my pite and bitchiness like this causes me physical pain, be assured that it does)

in any case, here are the new day

only kofi and e have made it to the ring

reasonably sure xavier was there at the top of the ramp

oh, ok

they've sent him back so the usos can't say they had an advantage

seems fair

roll vt of the match we would like you to forget being the best part of summerslam

new day immediately knock the usos out of the ring and get a table

they know how to do their job, who knew

cut to ads, and suddenly e is in the corner with a chair wedged into the ropes above him for whatever reason

recaps suggest the usos put it there, so we know who it'll backfire on

oh look, e kicked one of them into it

that was quick

and then jimmy kicks it into e's face

nice spot

kofi reappears, gets his face smacked into the apron

and jimmy gets jey a kendo stick

both commence to beating on big e with it

kofi comes back, takes everyone out, gets the kendo stick

beats jimmy with it until it explodes

splinters for everyone

okay, this is moving too fast for me to narrate

basically watch the summerslam kickoff match again, but add chairs

kofi just hit jimmy in the face with a chair about six dfferent ways, then threw it at him

and then got thrown into the barricade anyway in the ugliest bump of the night

this enrages big e, who proceeds to murder jey

jey's shirt is getting destroyed, providing a handy visual identifier e splashes both of them, dances instead of going for the pin

jimmy superkicks him, he doesn't give a shit, big ending for the nearfall and then e takes a double superkick anyway

set up for a double splash, kofi kicks jey off the turnbuckle and through chekhov's table

and midnight hour for the pin

much tromboning and joviality

shot of daniel arguing with a runner backstage

graphic for naomi/nattie, during which corey completely forgets how to english

shots of the press carpet for the myc, mostly just reminding me how good steph's outfit was

oh, and ronda rousey's here tonight

oh right, we're in the women's match now

no better way to show the legitimacy and importance of your women's division than by depriving their title match of intros

naomi's got cool new gear though

and carmella's on announce

with ellsworth on a leash

because of course

all bullshit aside, this is a good match

p sure i know who wins because of video thumbnails, but we shall see

-puts in an alarm for 11:05 to change those settings-

naomi casually scorpion kicks nattie in the face like it ain't no thang nattie gets knocked out of the ring, carmella takes the opportunity to front at her with her briefcase

aaaaaand naomi planchas her and ellsworth

and nattie gets a sharpshooter off the distraction for the tap

so yeah, the outcome i expected

so that's three really good title matches down, but of course our main event will be the corporate disciplinary hearing

kevin walks in on aiden practising his opera, offers him a job singing the theme song to the kevin owens show

he freestyles something, kevin is pleased

really, i'm looking forward to this grand restructuring

more like perestroiKO

and now here's dolph

with his own entrance for once

claiming to be the single best performer in wwe history

wait, is this whole rejection of gimmicks gimmick because kfc dropped him?

has a rant, walks off, comes back as bayley

gives up halfway through after the crowd are super into it, bunches a bayley buddy

has another rant, walks off again

and now he's the ultimate warrior

this is not gonna go down well with a lot of people

has dolph just spent a lot of time on the create-an-entrance tool in 2k17?

"So this is what it's come to"

dude, warrior was around like thirty years ago

how is this new

has another rant about how no-one can do what he can and how nobody cares

throws the mic at the announce table, stomps out of the ring as it goes WHONK

somewhat ruined the moment, tbh

who am i kidding, there wasn't a moment, it was dolph ziggler

back to the ring, and someone's cleared away the dead inflatables, so here are the hype bros

to be fed to alpha 2.0

now in beta

shelton makes an impression by dragon screwing mojo through about three laws of physics

counters a rough ryder into a lovely delayed spinebuster, powerbomb-cutter combo for the pin

nearly stymied by shelton thinking chad's arms were longer than they were

learn to tag, guys

mojo shakes hands and hugs them, zack stomps off

i smell plot

but up next, oh fuck vince is here where do we keep the spirits

daniel has responded to that question with a drawing of a magnet and what i'm reasonably sure is a swarm of hornets

guess that answers that question

so yeah, one myc ad later, kevin's in ring

and here comes vince

ain't nobody got swag this floppy

and what a delightful grey/green plaid suit

(disclaimer for text: that was sarcasm, it's fucking awful)

kevin launches straight into it with a thing about how vince must be intimidated by him

a spirit long-sealed at the bottom of a dry well replies

or possibly that's vince's voice

hard to tell sometimes

oh, again with the body-negative cracks

and making fun of kevin for not fighting back because lol cowards

i mean, i know that cowardice is the ultimate insult in wrestling, but it carries a lot of unpleasant baggage

vince promises to fire kevin if he sues the company, which i'm 100% sure breaks a whole lot of labour laws

just add 'wrongful dismissal' to that docket

vince claims to have never lost a lawsuit, i don't believe it for a second

also claims the laws of the land were written for men like him, which i can believe all day

apparently shane was suspended for not killing kevin

the fuck, vince

this is seriously the worst company anyone could ever work for

vince reinstates shane, makes a match at hiac so he can murder him properly

like, i know i read too much into wrestling, but this is tying into so much rich white male dickwad shit that it's making me deeply uncomfortable

vince agrees to give him his word that he won't have any repercussions for beating the shit out of a mcmahon

so kevin hits him in the head with a mic so he bleeds everywhere

and this is why we consider contract wording, children

ref tries ineffectually to get kevin to leave, so he just kicks vince in the stomach

and i get distracted by vince's old man socks for days

vince gets up, eats a superkick

kevin throws three refs out of the way, sets up for a frog splash

that dude in the suit whose name i always forget tries to stop him

it doesn't work

kevin walks up the ramp looking like he might have realised what he just did, steph comes out in that killer pantsuit to stare daggers at him

and we fade on an awful old man bleeding from his forehead and staggering up the ramp, supported by his daughter and that dude whose name still eludes me

so hey guys, who's hyped for the myc final?

sometimes, smackdown editing outdoes itself

(it might be scott armstrong?)

(fuck, but i'm bad at faces)

right - while this blog might never sleep, the lights go out in ten minutes, so we should probably relocate

expect another post sooner rather than later, since it's no mercy on sunday

and expect a decent outro...definitely later

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Too Much Shit For One Man to Kick

In which Emma’s heart grows three sizes.

Broadcast date: Monday 4/Tuesday 5 September 2017

Now that I've torn myself away from the combination of Destiny 2 and trying to fix my phone, it's time for MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!: The Nacreous Gem Around The Intrusive Sand Of Roman Reigns Trying To Cut A Promo

trialling a new slogan

daniel's uncle's idea

apparently owning the building means you can give production advice

price of free offices, i guess

anyway, i'm like 70% sure he doesn't read these, so i can say whatever

but yes, the actual show

the bright orange blur in this tumbnail suggests we may be hearing from one mr cena

straight in on a recap video of the contract signing from last week

only presumably without cena kicking a hole in the fourth wall like the fucking shockmaster

also they've edited it to remove roman forgetting how to english

some damn good promos, though

i'm just loving all the shots of kurt in the background gawking like oh god what have i wrought

oh, apparently this is labour day

you'll pardon me for not exactly giving a shit

and we're in omaha

and here's the cena himself

here to cene all over us

oh, apparently we're just kicking straight into a match

and booker's back

i never thought i'd be glad to hear that slurred bullshit

and here comes jason jordan and his dodgy synth music

here to fight cena for unspecified reasons

oh, so we can play the clip of cena debuting against kurt 15 years ago

back when he was ruthlessly aggressive

who doesn't love cross-generational parallels

omaha is super behind cena, possibly for his music containing actual instruments and vocal tracks recorded at the same time

jason goes straight into the amateur mat game, which is not exactly cena's forte

lots of lingering hugs

i think booker just managed to get jason and cena mixed up, but let's be real, i wasn't listening

my mind just levels out everything booker says into a kind of mealy blur

but hey, that's better than the unignorable shittiness of the jerry

(my favourite kundera book)

cena gets a comeback phase, including whipping jason so hard he also faceplanted himself into the mat

that seems poorly thought out

tries to deploy his five moves, jason manages to counter out my backflipping out of a suplex and dropkicking him

fuck you, cruiserweight division

jason takes a five knuckle shuffle, then counters an aa into an indescribably weird rollup

takes an stf for ages, then reverses into a crossface/chinlock thing

cena says fuck you, i'm john cena, stands up out of it and goes for another aa

jj counters out into a beautiful rolling double nothern lights suplex

straps come down, jj unleashes his true power level

and immediately eats an aa for the pin

way to disprove roman's argument that cena buries young talent

oh hye, speaking of

-slips into pre-emptive coma-

and he's got a mic

fantastic

roman's like why the fuck did that take you 20 minutes that guy's been on the show for like a month

roman really needs to work out what point he's making

so yeah, argument today is that cena's not as great as he thinks he is

and is a lion

fake-ass little bitch

"Roman, I'd say I'm happy to see you, but...I'm disgusted by your whole face."

cena is all out of shits to give

like stop trying to use your brain, it's not your thing

cena immediately addresses roman's inconsistent point

and that his fly is open

which roman turns into lol cos i'm the big dog

men

and cena counters with a balls joke, and roman with a gay joke

fuck's sake, guys

there's a bar, at least make a cursory effort to get over it

cena takes it to roman for having everything handed to him, like damn dude i fucking hate the miz but at least he works for his shots

this is all true

cena's mostly just exasperated

like damn dude, get a clue

so roman's like hey if you want to beat me up let's do that

roman, stop being smug

or just, yknow, go away

cena does not beat him up, so roman's like hey fuck you dude and walks off

that worked, i guess

but later, we apparently have braun/show in a cage

so we can play the gif of those two crushing the ring

also later jeff hardy has an ic title match

but now, enjoy this advert for total bellas

or don't, very much up to you

but now, here come the not-shield

entering to dean's intro

they're gonna be on announce for slater and rhyno vs the kkb

seth and dean should totally rebrand as the sword

god, i love that they've managed to get a dragon ball reference into their entrance

dean's like welp, that's a great entrance,can't take that away from them

confirmation that we've got their title rematch at no mercy

dean goes off on a tangent about jurassic park and getting your face eaten by velociraptors

seth starts giggling

send for the man

corey asks if seth and dean are getting on as a team, dean's like eh, i've had five years to punch this guy in the face, i'm kind of over it by now

back in the ring, heath slater is getting the fuck kicked out of him

but then, that's what he does

inevitable hot tag so rhyno can get some offence in

and then eat a brogue for the pin

dean starts talking smack on the bar, then he's like well we're the bar now hey we should steal their name

dean talks like he fights

cesaro and sheamus do their fusion dance in the ring, and i'm like 90% sure their fusion would be goro from mortal kombat

although more the plasticine fantasticine version from the film, tbh

that's science right there

toasty

cut back to the announce team, where seth and dean have evaporated

and they talk to book about the hurricane

briefly

but now, renee interviews the hardyz

matt breaks in with a semi-broken accent

crowd goes mental

and jeff's like yuuuup gonna win this or get myself killed with the FIRE THAT BURNS WITHIN ME

man can preach

so that's next, i think?

after this ad for randy/shinsuke on smackdown

insert comment about what competition means

and here comes the match

starting with the hardyz

jeff's wearing a connor's cure tabard over all his other clothes, and seriously, i think the man has a problem

it also makes it very hard for him to rock out to their music

cole makes a reference to them wanting to delete paediatric cancer

well played

and enter the miztourage

maryse has a new vest/pvc leggings/sparkly knee boots combo, and as ever, i want it

also perilously close to real human clothes

apparently it's just over 10 years since jeff had the ic belt

bell rings, jeff goes straight for a rollup because fuck wrestling

miz cowers against the ropes like please mr hardy don't beat me

and uses it to throw jeff out to his cronies

a scheme

who would have thought

back in the ring, jeff just punches the hell out of miz's oh-so-punchable face

whisper in the wind for a nearfall

it's taken this long for jeff to jump off something, he must be taking it seriously

sets up for a swanton, bo distracts the ref so curtis can pull jeff off the turnbuckle

sparks a brawl outside the ring, ref is just like fuck this noise all three of you can fuck off

matt is deeply offended like how could you do this to me i was defending my brother's honour

miz counters out of jeff's crotch leg drop, which is good to see, because it is such a trivially easy move to counter

this match is actually p good

it's been like 60% reversals

maryse is still at ringside, which can't possibly be foreshadowing anything

ooh, she's gone with acid-green nails as well

maryse is just my style icon

(as if you didn't know)

miz pulls jeff off the apron, then collapses against the barricade in fornt of a small child in a cena shirt who's like um what

miz gets a figure four one, jeff just goes to counter by punching miz in the face

makes sense when you think about it

eventually gets to the ropes

then hits miz with a stunner, nearfall when miz gets the rope

live by the rope break...

miz crawls out of the ring while the ref shouts at jeff, then immediately eats a baseball slide

and then poetry in motion off the steps

kind of feeling sorry for miz atm

he's bumping like a demon

maryse pulls her husband out fo the way of a swanton, leaving jeff to fuck himself upon the mat

goes for a twist of fate, miz counters into a finale for the pin

damn good match, solid finish

but now, women do things

or so i am assuming by this recap package of banks/bliss

oh yeahb, and nia's inevitable betrayal

announcement: sasha has her rematch at no mercy

and now nia accosts kurt backstage

she's not impressed that she doesn't get a title shot

and emma interrupts to talk about her twitter analytics

she also wants a title shot

nia's just like fuck off or i will actually break you

kurt holds them apart, and hatches a plan

nia/emma v sasha/alexa tonight

if the undercarders win, he'll make the title match a four-way

foreboding shot of the cage, insistent mentions of the ring being reinforced

and have some more recap videos of brig showman fucking the ring

never noticed how hard the ref bumps to the outside when it happens

caught it now, of course, because they've replayed the clip from SEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN FUCKING ANGLES

but now it's time for cruiserweights to not get an intro

dar, nese and gulak already in the ring

and cedric and gran metalik get to enter with enzo, because seriously, nobody's getting a fucking intro

except enzo, who's brought a mic as usual

enzo tries to spin cheating to win matches as some kind of god-given right because it gets you wins

babyface?

despreately hypes 205 like please watch my show

he introduces cedric and metalik in the shittiest way possible

i spoke too soon, his smacktalk introductions for the other three are even worse

match kicks off with cedric/tony doing the cruiserweightiest wrestling ever

and enzo tags himself in to ruin everything

drew tags in to kick a non-trivial amount of shit out of enzo

not all of it, of course

the man contains too much shit for one man to kick

the heel team start doing rolling tags to take turns fucking up enzo's shit

and then they all just cruiserweight over everything and i can no longer narrate

stereo topes from cedric and metalik, during which enzo tags himself in because he's a twat

and then sticks a thumb in drew's eye to get his stupidly-named finish for the pin

the alleged faces celebrate as drew's outside with his friends like aaaaaaaaaaa i am blind

end segment

and now alexa collars sasha in the locker room to bitch about their opponents tonight

alexa has a cancer shirt too because she's a face by default tonight

this conversation quickly turns into a huge row

that match'll go well

up next, finn bálor wears a shirt

boo

and an advert for the myc, which continues to be great

and here comes everyone's favourite irish possible serial killer

-does the arms-

goes 'this is bálor club' like he's introducing his new talk show

waxes lyrical on his previous titles and how bray wyatt's a dick

finn has chosen his fate

or possibly faith?

this just in, he has an irish accent

calls bray out, immediate wyatt cut

and now we're in the void with bray

talking about learning to hunt as a kid

and the day he decided to stop using a bow and just kill things with his bare hands

i think we could have all filled in that backstory, tbh

taunts finn for only being able to beat him using the demon as his weapon, rather than doing it with his own power and will

and obliquely challenges him for no mercy

finn starts shouting back at him, which is a rarity for these segments

bray calls finn a rabbit, wyatt cut, end thing

so yeah, bray v human!finn for no mercy, presumably

oh hey, more ads for smackdown and total bellas

and now it's women's tag time

cole claims total bellas stars alexa bliss, corey's like um dude that's just a lie

she is here though

this much is true

oh my god i had forgotten how fucking angry i was about emma's new music

although that said, i think it's changed again

it's still not as good as her proper music, but better than last week

cfo$ are clearly going through a weird phase atm

corey is critiquing emma's hashtag efficiency

someone had to

the basic theme if this match thus far is 'tagging yourself in for giggles'

my inner bitch is loving the reluctant passive-aggressive teamwork in this match

(also my outer bitch)

(aka me)

as the smaller woman in the team, emma is performing her proper function of getting fucked on relentlessly

this rule does not apply to alexa, because her rage gives her virtual height

she's like one of those tiny dogs that will FUCKING HAVE YOU

emma finally gets a tag to nia, alexa gets a chance to vent at her

and get creamed

eats a big-ass samoan drop, sasha breaks up the pin after a moment of internal conflict

gets the tag, shining wizard for a nearfall

emma blind tags, nia leg drops sasha, emma gets the pin

i'll be honest, i was not expecting that

four-way should be good, though

emma celebrates extravagantly in the middle of the ring, nia's like um

and samoan drops her

nia will also fucking have you

back to the ambiguous backstage room, where renee has acquired a braun

asks what he's thinking before his first cage match

he's like really what the fuck was kurt thinking, this match might hurt me before my title match at no mercy but will definitely hurt company property

the man does a surprisingly good promo

but up next, seth and dean are back

their walk backstage is briefly interrupted by elias thrashing out a new song

long beat as they just kind of stand there like what's up with this guy, then shrug and carry on, dean playing along on the air

but next, they fight the good brothers

after these ads for every show we make

back from ads, sheamus and cesaro are in the ring arguing with gallows and anderson for some reason

who am i kidding, you don't need a reason to bitch on those guys

seth and dean still using dean's intro

like, if you're going to just use one, seth's is way better

BURRRRRN IT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

ref eventually manages to usher the kkb out of the ring, match can commence

sheamus and cesaro seem to have settled on just sarcastically applauding from ringside

someone needs to get them popcorn

this match is a little formulaic, but damn do i love how in sync seth and dean still are as a team

seth/dean v jordan/gable v gargano/ciampa v dawson/wilder

give them a whole show, best tag match possible

as opposed to this particular long-ass superplex setup that didn't even work

dean counters a chokeslam into a dropkick, which is p cool

seth gets the hot tag, commences to jump off every goddamn rope before braun and show fuck them up

dean tries to join in, does a shitty suicide dive

seth hits a lovely top-rope frankensteiner on anderson, the kkb try to interfere, seth gets the pin anyway because they're just that good

and then the good brothers take sheamus and cesaro out while they're distracted

they take a long moment to consider their options, then go back to the ring to fuck up anderson and gallows

and now here's the connor's cure video basically the same as last year, because history and cancer haven't changed much

and they've got the wwe makeup department in to give kids superstar redesigns

that's kind of sweet

and steph giving them all hype ring announcements is cute

dammit, i've fallen for a cute ill kids advert

and they brought alexa, miz, and finn

which seems like a super weird collection

to inspire these kids with cancer, we've brought our resident bitch, a self-important asshole, and a guy who draws power from being possessed by a demon

perfect sense

but up next, main event time

but first, cruiserweight recap vt?

because now we see enzo and his mates in the locker room being annoying

cue sarcastic clapping from neville

and news that those three have all qualified for a five-way elimination match for a title shot at no mercy

neville sows dissesnsion with a few ominous geordie words

closeups of techs reinforcing the ring

and now charly interviews the ref from the ring explosion match, of all people

oh, apparently the ring's double reinforced

not just reinforced

fancy

he's like welp this match is gonna be carnage i'm just going to focus on dodging

and now renee gives big show a hype chat

gah, i'd forgotten his new hairlessness

come on show, give us a YOUUUUU DID THISSSSS TOOO MEEEEEEEEEE

Shockingly, Giant Baby Show says Braun ain’t shit

the dramatic climax of the promo is just show telling us his own nickname

you know how i said braun could promo surprisingly well?

well...not that

seriously guys, how many ads do we need for total bellas?

it's back

we know

ad for 205, in which we learn that the other two slots in the 5-way are kendrick and nese, for no adequately established reason

wait, has anyone seen kurt and show at the same time?

feels like we might have a dr angle and mr show thing going on

corey just referred to braun as "the steam-breathing monster"

i have no clue what to say to that

is he coal-powered?

bell rings, braun kicks show in the face

and starts bodychecking him into the cage

weirdly, it goes wrong on the fourth one

show counters with a magic fist, doesn't climb the cage for some reason, cut to ads

cut back and nothing at all has happened

ecept show is now taking his turn to throw his opponent into the cage walls

show starts climbing, braun follows

weird scale going on, since they can both stand on the top rope and touch the top of the cage

show gets crotched really hard

guys, stop doing that spot

it is not good for you

show sets up on the top rope, everyone goes wtf

and does an elbow drop for the first time in like two decades

doesn't connect properly, but still a good moment

goes for the pin, braun kicks out at two because fuck you i'm braun strowman

show crawls for the door, braun walks over, grabs it, and hits show in the face with it

then braun tries to walk over show to get the door himself, and show does eexactly the same thing back to him

see, that was just dumb

braun kind of wanders into a chokeslam, then counters into a ddt for a nearfall

few spots later, show manages to land the chokeslam, braun kicks out because see the above re: fuck you

show goes for a magic fist, braun counters into a powerslam, show counters out and throws braun into the wall

show goes for the climb, followed by braun

gets his chest over the top before braun drags him back down because NOT FINISHED WITH YOU

i have never seen big show on the top rope this much before

braun gets a superplex in, the double reinforcement does its job

still a hell of a crash

and running powerslam for the pin

okay, i'm not usually one for large man punch fights, but that was actually really good

braun looms ominously over his fallen foe, then somehow acquires a mic

calls out brock to see big show's corpse as an object lesson

long ominous beat, then tells big show it's time to go to pasture, picks him up, and powerslams him through one wall of the cage

crowd goes wild

next time they should maybe think about also double reinforcing the cage

show lies on the broken cage wall going aaaa i'm dying, braun stalks off and roars, end show

in all senses

right, well, i've got some bad news

the horizontal line's off in Marbella this week, so we're gonna have to roll straight on

-checks the list of test slogans again-

MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!: Takes Hotter Than Your Dad.

i swear, the things i do so we can have somewhere to record this show that's only occasionally filled with vengeful woodland animals

so yes, the raccoon incident aside, let's watch mackdown

or indeed smackdown

mackdown is the wrestling dating sim i am now going to have to make

opening on a weirdly-saturated recap package of the orton/nakamura situation

the worst holmes story

and yes, the best thing about smackdown today

i'd had it spoiled, but still

JBL IS FUCKING GONE

he's off to do charity work, so we get the double whammy of disadvantaged kids getting support and me not having to listen to his voice

and they've replaced him with corey, making pretty much the ideal announce panel

Tom: "Did you miss me, Graves?" Corey: "Yes!" Tom: "I...am surprised!"

i live for these two talking shit

so yes, orton/nakamura tonight for a title shot at hiac

and here's randy, standing in three-quarter profile in a dimly lit corridor

yknow, like people do

and giving a speech about how he' gonna fuck shinsuke up

cut to shinsuke shadow boxing in the locker room

tells us about how he's gonna fuck randy up, i mostly get distracted by his left shoulder, which i hadn't noticed before

it's kind of fucked

i'm guessing that's a dislocation that healed weird

cut to the ring, and ellsworth announces his bae

only to be interrupted by...kevin?

he's decided he's going to be guest referee for carmella's match with nattie

begins trying to intimidate the ref into taking his shirt off

here's shane

who may have opinions on this fuckery

takes a moment for a cheap pop before getting into professional mode

he's just like kevin

dude

sort your shit out

long tense faceoff

shane's like maybe take responsibility for all these failures which are in all ways your fault

kevin's like fuck you i don't even want to be on this show

shane's like well yeah, cos this isn't the bullshit show where we just give people belts

kevin calls shane out on him needlessly inserting himself into eveything on the show

mentions his dad, gets an ooooooh, mentions his kids, shane immediately gets in his face like fuck you

kevin spins the helicopter crash into this, says his family would all be better off if he'd died there

mentions his kids again, shane explodes on him

well, he did warn him

trips getting out of the ring, killing the moment a bit

throws kevin over the announce table and just absolutely goes to town on him

security pull them apart, bryan turns up to be like the fuck are you doing dude that's an employee

and give the most disapproving dad look you've ever seen

and...cut to an ad for total bellas

way to maintain the mood, guys

and recaps of what happened thirty seconds ago

in which they've edited out shane tripping

backstage, kevin staggers through the room supported by three officials

bryan comes out to apologise

kevin promises to sue shane, wwe, and the entire mcmahon family

bryan's like wow, that seems wildly disproportionate

kevin's like fine, i'll go press assault charges insteads

cut back to announce, corey and byron are both like well he totally deserved that

but yes, now we actually have that carmella/nattie match

recap from last week reminds me precisely how fucking awful carmella's singlet was

thankfully, she's back to normal gear today

provided you count bright orange leggings with leopard-print piping as normal

announce team start spinning next week's 'Sin City Smackdown'

carmella gets her face punched off, retreats to her ellsworth

pan out to naomi watching the match with a look of deep concentration as carmella does a long-ass guillotine choke

nattie powerslams her out, gets a comeback

carmella superkicks nattie, gets a nearfall, ellsworth gives the ref the briefcase

carmella's like wtf no i'm not cashing in give my that back, throws it at ellsworth, and gets rolled up for the pin

ellsworth comes back into the ring to apologise profusely

carmella starts being all magnanimous, then opens up on him

including using the same line twice

calls him a 'genetic defect'

and asks how he's still employed at wwe

really, the question we were all asking

"You are a charity case, and your mother should have given you away at birth!"

wow

harsh

and officially dumps him

takes her case, struts off

leaving james in the ring and the depths of despair

backstage, here's shane looking conflicted

up next, dolph ziggler re-debuts

i have no clue how this is going to go

expect everything

after these ads for the myc and no mercy

and tom giving us a talk about paediatric cancer

roll the video again

refer to my comments above

well, that gave me plenty of time to curate my itunes library

fringe benefits

and here's the dolph

looking...exactly the same

he's got a mic

presumably to tell the fans to go fuck themselves

yup

railing at the fans for not appreciating the greatest performer in the company

and they'd prefer some dumb gimmick

lights go back down, and here he is again

doing cena's entrance

all credit to the crowd for the DOLPH ZIGGLER SUUUUUUUCKS singalong

dolph's like hey, did that not work? i'll try another

lights go down again, and now he's...who had land of hope and glory?

-research break-

yeah, thought it was him

dude, if you're gonna do a macho man entrance, you could at least have the shades

gives up on it, shouts at the crows for not doing the usual nostalgia pop

sends his valet away

and now he promises to have exactly what the crowd want and deserve

and...now he's naomi

the fuck is this

does the knee slide, then gives up

all gimmicks are defeated by ennui

and now he's back to railing against the idea of gimmicks, because anyone can do them

says he, after clearly showing that not everyone can dance like naomi

tells the fans they make him sick, stomps off backstage

so that happened?

up next, sami zayn v aiden english

because this is 2014 nxt, apparently

aiden gets about one line into his aria before sami's music interrupts him

oh yeah, this is the rematch from last week when kevin fucked on everything

and aiden gets a rollup out of nowhere

that lasted about 90 seconds

the bookers have some sort of problem with sami

and aiden's got his mic back

so he can give us some more singing

swiftly tailing off as sami chases him out of the room

let's have yet another recap of shane brutalising an employee

pan out to bryan rewatching it

only to get interrupted by the new day

here to lift his spirits

oh, and here are the usos

to do the opposite

announcing the stipulation for next week

street fight

which seems ill-advised when you're fighting a team of three

bryan gets a call, ushers the new day out

someone bryan calls 'sir' (so vince) wants him to do something in the ring

i know what, because i have a dreadful habit of going on twitter and getting spoilers, but i'll maintain the mystery for now

bryan disagrees, is shut down

and he's going to do............IT right now

(couldn't resist)

and here he is in the arena

gets in the ring, calls shane to come too

he doesn't

finally, here he comes

with nary a HERE COME THE MONEYYYYYYY

not sure i've ever seen either of these this sombre

bryan's like remember last year when the miz was pushing me every week and i made the bold choice to NOT FUCKING ATTACK HIM?

bottom line, you can't assault our employees

fair policy

shane's like yeah sorry but when people talk about my family i go crazy

bryan's just i don't give a single shit you've endangered this entire show because we both know kevin's a vindictive bastard who'll take us for everything

shane offers to go and reconcile with kevin

bryan's like no, i talked to your dad, you're suspended indefinitely

and leaves

shane's left in the ring like welp

why would you leave him there if he was suspended?

eh, wrestling logic

many crowd chants later, shane slumps off

gets a lot of thank you chants for a man who's just been suspended for attacking an employee

and now renee is in the blue curtain room to interview jinder

in an ugly-ass houndstooth suit

asks which guy he'd rather fight, he doesn't give a shit

claims he represents asia better than shinsuke ever could, despite shinsuke actually being from fucking asia

does the promo again in punjabi to speak to 3% of the great nation of india

back in the arena, aj's on announce

to talk about paediatric cancer

(i feel like i'll be writing that phrase a lot in the next few weeks)

and here's baron

sidebar fact: "Won the Money In The Bank ladder match earlier this year"

guys, maybe stop reminding people of that

recap vt of styles/dillinger last week

and of baron being a tool

i feel like i might need to specify that more

and here's tye

and they haven't synced his music with his new tron, so the sexy number voice says 10 when the video's on about 6

kind of love the KO'S A BITCH sign in the crowd

works on many levels

baron slides out of the ring to face off with aj, so tye just jumps out and fucks him up against the barricade

solid advice: maybe keep an eye on the other guy in the match

cut to ads, come back to a really slick spot of baron lariating tye's head off

tye tries to set up for the tye breaker, is thwarted by his opponent being large and heavy

and baron continues to stop having the match he's actually having so he can shout at aj

and i love the complete lack of shit aj gives

baron scores a cheap shot to tye's throat, angering aj, and end of days for the pin

actually a pretty good match

you forget that tye's got a lot of skill in the ring

aj is shocked at baron's lack of honour

because he doesn't watch the show, i guess

up next, "a special look at bobby roode"

ok, whoever edited it to go directly from saying that to a total bellas advert needs firing

backstage, aj congratulates tye on his fight and says next week, the us open challenge will only be open to him

dude

that's not an open challenge

that's just a challenge

and now for a bobby roode video package

enhanced by corey being on this show now so he can run hype for him

and now we're backstage with ellsworth pleading for carmella to forgive him

and being like yes i'm subhuman and i don't deserve anything please take me back

this is not healthy

carmella says from now on, they're doing things her way

gives him a huge kiss, then slaps his face off

flounces off, leaving ellsworth to be like the actual fuck is my life

but now we have a main event

here comes the very finest in flailing japanese men

and adverts for all our other shows

and also a fucking snaaaaaaake

loving the contrast of entrances

incredibly theatrical alien dance vs walking slowly down the ramp

cut over to jinder and the singhs in his skybox

tom mispronounces kinshasa even before the bell rings

this is why we got corey on here

whoever you are trying to get your MAGA sign to constantly show up on hardcam, kindly fuck off

randy does a massive hotshot, aided by shinsuke being an extremely floppy man when he wants to be

randy goes for his draping ddt out to the floor, shinsuke reverse out because that would be dangerous as fuck if he hit it

throws shinsuke into the announce desk, corey's like this is the worst first day ever

shinsuke just decides to get a comeback spot like oh hey maybe i should just kick him in the face a bunch

superplex to shinsuke, and the setup only took a small percentage of my life this time

lovely spot as shinsuke's reeling on his knees then just leans back into doing his cmoooooooon

goes for a kinshasa, randy counters into a snap powerslam

into a draping ddt, because you know randy's spots

strikes up the snake, which is still weird when your whole thing is hitting it out of nowhere

goes for an rko, shinsuke counters into an armbar then transitions to a triangle

that was fucking lovely

randy powers out, shinsuke counters an rko into a backstabber

see, this is how you preserve finishers

and kinshasa for the pin

oh, sorry corey

KINSHAAAAAASSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAA

(totally why corey's here)

well thank fuck for that, i'm not sure i could have taken another orton/mahal rematch without taking up amateur tattooing or something

backstage, bryan tells kevin they're done

kevin's like fuck that, imma run the show next week

and bryan drops the bomb that vince'll be there next week to sort shit out

great

ah well

and brief cut back to shinsuke partying so we have something to end on

and thus we finish the week's shows

by which i do of course mean last week's shows

one day i'll actually get my shit together and be punctuahahahahaaaa sorry i couldn't get through that

[Don’t forget to follow Emma on Twitter, where she’s @Waruce]

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

1 note · View note

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - A Monopoly On Punching

In case you haven’t noticed, this will prove that Emma is really not very keen on Jerry Lawler.

Transmission date: 28/29/ August 2017

Still doing the thing, still not even vaguely punctual, let's have some SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

cold open on miz and his crew in the ring

and the announcement that we're not having booker tonight

i'd be happy, but it's because of hurricane sandy

and we get lawler instead

fuuuuuuuuck

cries

so later tonight, we have brock existing, alexa/sasha for the belt, and roman/cena contract signing

but now, a miz

and maryse in trousers, of all things

miz gets half a word into whatever he was doing before kurt interrupts everything

miz is not even slightly impressed

kurt is here to semi-apologise about there being no ic title match at slam, but promises one at no mercy

miz responds by defining the word respect

just so kurt knows

and delivers an impassioned speech on behalf of a belt

kurt responds by making a battle royal for a title shot next week

so that's what we're having now

aaaaaaaa

it's the big show

but he's shaved

he looks like somebody inflated kurt

why would this happen

welp, five minutes in and there goes my ability to take this ep seriously

and now the hardyz

one day i will understand the purpose of the toilet paper hanging out of jeff's back pocket

but it is not this day

oh yeah, and the miztourage are in this

and now finn

for fuck's sake, jerry, stop yelping

just turn your mic off and be misogynistic in silence

cole and graves can handle this

does the arms

apparently this is going to be a 15-man fight, but here's an advert break while the rest arrive

myc advert

(hint: watch the mae young classic, it's dope as fuck)

and we're back

with jason jordan entering

now his bad music has some rap over it

also present are goldust, kalisto, curt hawkins, r-truth, apollo crews, elias [NAME] and gallows and anderson

hawkins eliminated by everyone while i type that, because fuck that guy

well of course you had money on curt, jerry

that's because you're a twat

and now everyone turns to the big show

although nobody wants to make the first move

so all the jobbers do so

chaos ensues

the miztourage throw kalisto out

apparently cole hates people having friends

you heard it here first

jerry makes a fart joke, because once again, fuck that guy

big show is just ignoring the rest of the match while he slaps a guitarist

(a guitarist has no name)

the club take show out, with some unexpected rebulletening courtesy of finn bálor

finn gets to do his pin rollout dropkick thing on elias, despite that pin attempt making precisely zero sense

truth gets eliminated because eh

everyone keeps almost eliminating jeff

must be hard for him to actually try and stay in an elevated position

bless

the panel put their money on jj, so let's see how obvious this booking can be

goldust gets eliminated by a combination of gallows, anderson, and his own inability to follow up on moves

ad break, during which apollo eliminated himself by being an idiot

why would you do anything springboarding off the top rope in this match

sigh

matt eliminates gallows with a well-timed shamble, almost gets taken out by anderson

and then they punch the tits off each other on the apron

anderson gets whipped into the ring post and goes out, gallows just rips matt off the apron

miz gets the idea, jumps in to help his minions

memphis is not pleased at the loss of seven deities

thanks for that replay, the camera didn't really show miz's interference there

finn gets to do his usual comeback/grimace sequence

kicks elias off the turnbuckle, but he manages to stay in

slingblades jj, i do my usual pop

faces off with jeff hardy, crowd goes mental

and then gets dropkicked in the dick

which is totally fine if you're jeff hardy

dropkicks him and bo into the corners, everyone is down until wyatt cut bray throws him out

what can you do when your nemesis can teleport

cue finn slumped against the barricade with a face like what the actual fuck

jj does a cool reversal spot, only marred by jeff almost accidentally rolling under his feet, eliminates the miztourage, elias eliminates him, jeff eliminates elias and...wins?

huh

well, i guess they didn't go with the obvious booking

cut to miz, who looks to have had the same reaction

so miz/jeff next week

sure, why not

jeff's just thrilled his music is playing

god, but does jeff love that music

ok, i got a couple of those last eliminations the wrong way round

jj took out elias, was taken out by jeff

thanks replay

jeff is still taking off and putting on random articles of clothing

dude, you wear too many clothes

consider consolidating a bit

you're not a final fantasy character

(full disclosure: i would play the absolute shit out of a ff-style rpg about the hardyz)

(or p much any wwe characters, tbh)

(theres a market, guys, exploit it)

(you don't need people to take your angles at face value any more)

but yeah, here's a video package about the ongoing brauk lesman sitaution

and reminding me how hilarious it was last week

10/10 would watch brock get put through the floor again

so yeah, brock's back tonight

we can only hope it goes as well as last time

but up next, enzo's first cruiserweight match

but first, apparently, charly interviews alexa

who's splashed on a pretty great denim vest

alexa again leans on how sasha can't defend belts

so clearly she will

charly's interview face has crossed the line from 'serious journalist' to 'kind of in love'

and i don't think any of us can blame her

but yeah, here's enzo

time to see if he can actually wrestle

so yeah, spoilers if you don't watch 205, i guess

enzo's a cruiserweight

comes in, does his usual thing

well yeah, jerry, of course you love enzo

that's because you're a twat

enzo reminds us that cass got injured

apparently that's legit?

torn acl, out for months

boo

so yeah, step to enzo and you'll end up accidentally breaking your own knee

unless he's claiming he has some kind of probability powers, that makes no sense at all

mentions mayweather/mcgregor, gets super mixed heat

and apparently he's fighting noam

who he says has two last names?

dude, you're from the northeast, learn some jewish names

noam hasn't got a mic yet, so a trick has officially been missed

his face is very much how the fuck an i the responsible adult in this ring

and then just kicks the fuck out of enzo

pan out to neville watching

or possibly just staring into the middle distance as usual but someone's put a tv in front of him

noam tries to rip enzo's hair out, jerry decides the best use of all our time right now is for him to make fun of neville's hair

enzo does an arm drag headkick thing that he totally got off the mae young classic, and gets a pin that builds no heat whatsoever

well, i guess that happened

and then dabs on him

dude, that gimmick's taken

and now charly's here to ask neville what he thinks of enzo

he's just like hahahahaha fuck seriously?

i'm gonna be champion forever

drops a how you doin, end thing

but next, brock is alive

after we tell you how we win at social media

no, stop introducing jerry

but yes, here we have a bouncing simpleton

also his manager

paul says words, you can all fill in the blank yourself

and then a new section on the theme of how braun's pretty great but brock's still gonna win

paul is the only one left in this company who understands the importance of hyping your opponents, it seems

and also here's a verbal recap of everything's that happened in this angle

"i don't believe in monsters, but i believe braun strowman is one"

that's a sentence that needs some serious philosophical unpacking right there

brock takes paul's mic mid-flow, manages to restrain himself to a "suplex city, bitch", so at least we didn't have to cut it for profanity

drops the mic, paul follows him out like welp guess we're done

but now, here's a seth

just with a solo match for tonight, but dean's here with him anyway

dean gets down to the ring, puts the belt he was carrying on backwards just so he could do the dramatic spin thing

smart money says he'll have taken it off again by the time we get back off this break

but first, an advert for the show we were once upon a time meant to be competing with

ok, no, dean's still got a belt on

jerry, never tell us about total bellas again

on which note, here's a video about the return of cena

which makes total sense in the middle of the intros to this seth/cesaro match

and the package keeps him saying 'certaint'

bless

fuck, this package is long

and there's not even anything i can say about it, because this angle was balls except for cena making fun of people, which has got entirely cut

but finally back to the actual match that's happening now, here are the kkb

i love their entrance, even if it is just their solo entrances bolted together

their jackets have gained some chain epaulette things this week

and were their kilts camo before?

because they are now

not thrilled

pan over to dean hanging off the ropes doing the loser sign and sticking his tongue out

the apex of maturity right there

but now that we're actually in the match, i am a very happy internet person because seth/cesaro is always a great match

casual standing moonsault, why not

i do still kind of miss his heel hair, though

sheamus gets some distraction time by just kind of lurking at ringside and not doing anything

cut to ads, come back on cesaro doing a massive military press/leg drop combo

like i say, this is a good match

apparently seth started the match "like a house of fire [sic]"

shut the fuck up, jerry

seth counters a top rope crossbody into a nearfall and a great enzuigiri, commence to comeback

one day an announcer will pronounce enzuigiri correctly and i can just stop watching forever

cesaro puts seth on the top turnbuckle, then is shocked when he immediately eats a blockbuster

like seriously, watch a match some time

sheamus tries to interfere, dean starts a really awkward brawl, distracts seth long enough for cesaro to hit him with a massive uppercut for the pin

i'll be honest, this feud could run and run and i'd be happy

and now sheamus has a mic

to talk shit and challenge dean to a match RIGHT NOW

which is apparently happening

sure

does kurt just fuck off home after the first hour of the show and leave it to run itself

this match is less technically sparkling, as you might imagine, but scrappier and still fun

sheamus puts a stretch muffler on dean

when the fuck did we last see that move

dean tries to counter out, sheamus just transitions into a cloverleaf

i'd watch submission specialist sheamus

does three beats of the bodhrán before going eh fuck youse

again, puts his opponent on the top turnbuckle then is surprised whren he jumps off

dean counters another bodhrán into a hotshot, but is selling a hip injury hard

sheamus hits white noise from the top rope, dean kicks out because fuck your elevated finisher

brogue countered into dirty deeds countered into getting kicked in the face

cesaro gets up on the apron, seth pulls him off then runs into the ring

ref gets distracted by cesaro following him, seth breaks up a white noise attempt and dean hits dirty deeds for the pin

and now emma's backstage

with mickie, who's continuing to up the Native stuff in her gear

they've got a match later

so lets have a long argument about hashtags

they really need to give emma more to do

mickie takes emma's phone, makes a bet

emma wins, mickie will tweet anything she wants, mickie wins, emma has to stop saying she started the revolution

fuck, that angle's for shit

and now we have a bunch of superstars telling us to donate to the hurricane harvey relief fund, and i have no jokes there

also, i'm reasonably sure i called it hurricane sandy earlier

that was a different thing, and i clearly need to pay attention

and straight from that into burger king giving us a video package about kurt's olympic history

a propos of nothing

but back in the ring, here's mickie and her new headband

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THEY'VE CHANGED EMMA'S MUSIC FUCK EVERYTHING BURN IT DOWN

seriously

what is this

that was the best music

fuck you, raw

jerry, stop talking about hashtags,you're like 803

and the only thing he can think of to say about emma is making fun of her lipstick

seriosuly, jerry, you're what we had the women's revolution (such as it is) to get away from

and emma gets a rollup out of nowhere for the pin

and they play THE WRONG FUCKING MUSIC

emma gets a mic so she can walk out saying she started the women's revolution three dozen times

so that happened

w/e

but up next, two people you may or may not enjoy do some paperwork

thrilling

after a trailer for the bruce lee film we're producing, seemingly for no other reason than because wwe want a monopoly on punching

but back to the ring, and kurt's back again

here to hype cena/reigns

memphis can't decide which of the two it hates more

cena comes in, hugs lawler

we had such high hopes for you, john

cena's here to talk roman up, presumably because he heard what i said about heyman earlier

claims to "have zero f's to give"

skirting the line, john

does a pithy promo, signs the paper

and here's roman

cole makes the error of asking lawler for an opinion, jerry just flounders for a while while roman sullenly slouches down the ramp

roman starts saying words, memphis immediately commence the booing

roman is basically all i'm not scared you ain't shit

doesn't think he needs to fight cena, drops the undertaker reference to get heat

(it works)

cena sarcastically bends the knee, addresses the concept of him turning heel

and calls roman a "cheap-ass, corporately-created, john cena bootleg"

ouch

maintains that roman is, in fact, a guy

openly pulls out that taker was old, injured, and generally past it

you can poke the mystique if your name's john cena

he is getting enormous pops for just shitting on roman

which is fair

mic passes to roman, who's just like yeah well you suck

cena's like yeah, so does this guy here, but he got a gold medal, so

and now roman's trying to find his second point, not helped by cena taking every pause to be sarcastic and shit on his promo skills in so many words

today's cena is inside baseball cena

shouts "See ya, fourth wall!"

love it

so roman calls him a phony/yes-man/fake bitch

then when he graduates to 'part-timing fake-ass bitch', they actually blank the sound

i love their criteria

roman comes back about cena being part-time and burying upcoming talent to stay on top

say what you will about the people involved, cena has pulled the best promo out of roman in basically ever

roman doesn't want to sully his legacy by chasing cena

so cena calls him a fool

not a thing you hear so often in wrestling

and calls him out for doing the same thing as everyone forever

and congratulates him for cutting a halfway-decent promo after five years

focuses on debunking the rumours of his "mythical golden shovel"

we're back in that rpg

but yeah, points out how he's not nearly as dominant as he used to be and he's been putting new talent over for years

which is true by any objective logic

and he's like yeah i'm only on top because everybody else ain't shit

and i can part-time better than you ever could full-time drops mic

this promo is fire, and memphis loves him

after some more goading, roman finally signs

then flips the table because he's a tool

and now...anderson and gallows are here?

to tell roman and cena they aren't good brothers

gallows's jacket has sprouted some shoulder chains as well

and kurt's like welp, fuck it, tag match

kind of feels like those promos should have just been allowed to breathe on their own rather than going into a largely pointless match

ad break later, cena's in the ring getting beaten on by some bad cousins while roman stands on the apron like oh hey that looks like it hurts

incredibly long headlock by gallows as roman sarcastically calls for the tag

my favourite thing about tag matches is wrestlers lying in the middle of the ring slowly streeeeeeeetching to their partners like they expect to turn into mr fantastic

roman finally gets the tag

and delivers an incredibly shoddy driveby

cena picks gallows up for an aa, then waits for roman to get in position so he can synchronise it with roman hitting a spear for the pin

because before all else, john cena is in service of the show

cena sarcastically applauds as roman's music plays, end segment

but up next, a song

after this smackdown ad, at least

and an nxt ad about the roh invasion

but yes, here he is

wearing obnoxious sunglasses

just does a blues break for no particular reason before doing his spiel

namechecks dusty, memphis don't even react

sort it out, guys

apparently dusty called him the elvis of the wwe

[citation needed]

lawler interrupts his song about how memphis is shit

to say the crowd are pleased would be underselling it a bit

i, on the other hand, fill up slightly more with bile every time lawler says words

and he's brought out pelvis wesley

(for those of you who don't watch southpaw regional wrestling or havent done the wrestling, it's heath slater dressed as elvis)

(i should really watch them)

starts a weird dance-off with elias, who then just kicks him in the crotch

seems reasonable

kicks him around a bit, then hits drift away and stands on him for a bit

that bullshit aside, it's main event time

corey, you don't need to tell us about sasha not defending the belt again

the point has been made

but before that, the myc ad again

watch the myc: it's better than 90% of the shit on this show

but before the match, let's shill jerry's club

and run replays of the battle royal from earlier

and now here's miz and guests backstage

renee's here to get his thoughts

(spoiler: he's not impressed)

objects to it taking one match to get a title shot, flounces off

and now we have charly backstage with sasha

they've changed her hair, and i don't like it

tl;dr: alexa ain't shit and sasha plans to win

in the ring, here's alexa

and the camera focuses for a weirdly long time on some guy with a BLISS IS BELT-LESS sign

if there's a joke in there, i don't get it

but now a burger king ad with the kkb bickering

but agreeing on burgers

sure, whatever

and another hurricane harvey appeal

wow, they're putting everything into the pre-main event buffer

and an ad for a pointless 6-man tag on 205

i'm sure there was a main event on its way, but it's faded into the mists of time

right, here comes sasha, so it'll only be another half dozen adverts before the match starts

aaaaaaand here we go

alexa kicking off with a rollup because fuck the fans

(it doesn't take)

wow, yeah, they've both just decided to go into finishes right away

at this rate, the finish'll be a side headlock

this match is just sasha beating on her, so it's looking good for alexa

double knees to the outside

ish

didn't really connect properly

shockingly, alexa turns it round in the ad break

sorry, jerry, when you try and sell the prestige and importance of a women's title it just makes me giggle

also, i hate you

alexa gets sasha in a really nasty half-bow and arrow hold, just sits there for a while

they are still committing to going for the cheap pin wherever possible

right up until alexa just punches sasha in the face and does a flip piledriver

which doesn't get as much of a reaction as it should have

sasha kicks out, because alexa needed a chance to throw a tantrum

even as enormously long superplex setups go, that could have done with a kick up the ass

ended up with a lovely spot that looked no fun for sasha at all, but still

alexa crawls over for the pin, sasha gets the bank statement out of nowhere

alexa manages to roll over it and hit a brutal lifting ddt for the pin

did somebody need a new mat finisher

so yeah, the belt gets passed again

does the raw women's belt have some kind of bottle imp thing going on

nia comes in to raise alexa's hand and beat some more shit out of sasha

carries alexa around the ring a bit

and then backdrops her into oblivion

the crowd loves it, because there are few things wrestling fans like more than betrayal

brandishes the belt a bit, then walks up the ramp so she can deathstare the ring as we fade

so that was an odd episode

for segment quality, you had a stark choice between great (the contract signing, weirdly enough), ass (mickie/emma, jerry the walking trashfire lawler), and ??? (jeff hardy has an ic title match)

well, that's wrestling, i guess

up next, the same but blue

but first, after a protracted absence during the hiatus, there's another dazzling return to watch

friends and fans, your friend and mine, the horizontal line

-------------------------------

damn, but it's good to see you again, line

best timeskip mechanism since the text crawl right there

but now that we're done getting reacquainted, let's get down to brass tacks

and by 'brass', i mean SUNDAY EVENING

and by 'tacks' i mean SMACKDOWN!

(shut up, you think of a better segue)

but yes, here it is, the unfolding conspiracy that is kevin owens' life

just watch, he'll have a pinboard full of string this week

straight in, announcing orton/nakamura v jinder/rusev for the main event

why?

apparently it was just announced

but here in the arena, it's the the singhs

and their boss, natch

i will keep maintaining that this is just aj's music in punjabi until someone steps to my headcanon

and then i will fire back with my headcannon

#gpoy

away from my raving and magrittening, we get a recap of shinsuke fucking up the singhs last week

and sunil/samir tapping to a hold that did not yet exist

one day i'll be able to tell them apart

who am i kidding, i still can't tell jimmy and jey apart 70% of the time

and now jinder says words

little rock do not care for him

or randy, by the sound of it

weird

oh, apparently now he's a representative of all of asia

somewhere shinsuke's like ano

usa chants start the noment he mentions asia, because fucking murica

jinder highlights the very real problem of racial discrimination in public services, gets booed

pronounces 'revered' to rhyme with 'severed'

fucking boo him for that, if you need something

jinder says someone has to pay the price, the singhs immediately start thundering out the apologies

apologising to the entire population of asia

while getting all teary

jinder is not the best actor in this ring

the crowd are just getting into sunil (i think)'s performance

samir (maybe) says he can somehow promise shinsuke will never touch jinder again

gets annoyed because arkansas are not taking their public apologies seriously

only made more difficult by them begging to kiss his feet

"...Really?"

for once i agree with you, john

they don't quite get there before the best music not played by a midi synth hits

oh look, an asian man

i'm sure he's thrilled to have the singhs speak for him

they form a barricade between shinsuke and jinder, he just pushes them out of the way like why the fuck are you even here

and brawl commences

all three of them swiftly dogpile shinsuke

and i am mostly distracted by their ugly sky-blue shirts

oh hey, here's randy

and rusev, who has figured out the element of surprise comes from not having your music and lights hit every time you enter the room

thanks to such devious tactics, randy gets kicked out of existence and shinsuke takes a khallas

end thing

later tonight, aj tries to do an open challenge again

can't see it going well

but next, and which should go far better, american alpha 2.0 have a match

hyped for this

but first, the myc ad again, and i kind of could rewatch the first round

announcement: next week, randy/shinsuke for a title shot

for whatever reason

it's not like they've actually done much to earn it

cut back to the ring, the ascension are already here

remember when they got to win at things?

and here come benjamin and gable

as they are being called

and they have new music, which is a shame as i fucking loved the american alpha music

not as bad as emma's, though

still p decent, is the difference here

starting off with gable/viktor

aka chad gable reminds you that you love chain wrestling

shelton tags in, let's see how this goes

overhead butterfly suplex, can't for the life of me think who i last saw using that

chad gets thrown out of the ring, ugly landing

cut to ads, chad gets slapped around a bunch

i think the real question here is will your finisher be anywhere near as sweet as grand amplitude

or have an even more randomly-generated name

hot tag to shelton, who is, as it happens, still p good

hits a top rope clothesline into a massive jumping ddt for the pin

the internet assures me it's a leaping reverse sto

notable for being a) basically the same fucking thing, and b) not quite grand amplitude

but yeah, cautiously hype

and later we have new day/usos, with the winner picking the stipulation for their title rematch

so expect weirdness

but next, aj v mystery guest

and here's baron backstage

no reason

renee comes to ask him how he feels about "squandering" his briefcase

baron is pissed about her word choice and cena fucking off to raw

oh yeah, forgot baron was promised a spot in the open challenge

or was he

ambiguous wording is the booker's friend

but first, hurricane harvey appeal with the smackdown roster

including ziggler

you'd think they'd just have the faces on it

and now an advert for total bellas

smackdown continues to have a tenuous relationship with the word 'next'

ok, here we are

they don't want none, which will make this open challenge awkward

they love them some aj styles down in little rock

does his cena-lite intro while reminding us that kevin isn't allowed into the picture

and here's...tye?

you, sir, are no baron corbin

but sure, why not

he's not got his ppv disco vampire coat on, so take that as you will

and here comes a man who very much is baron corbin

scuffle ensues

and baron learns a valuable lesson about turning up to shit on time

aj punches baron in the face, tye gets in the ring, bell is rung

that bell has the power of a god

incredibly fast-paced fight ensues, ending in about two minutes with tye tapping to a calf crusher

seriously, that was like it was on fast forward

baron throws tye into the barricade, takes a phenomenal forearm for his trouble

and throws a tantrum and ringside

baron corbin is very much the male alicia fox

aj just stands there with the belt like what up

and now jinder talks to rusev in the locker room

jinder does a speech about nationalism, rusev's just like stfu, i don't like you but i hate these guys more

let's fuck them up so i can take your belt

but up next, booby rooooooooo

cut back from ads, the kanellises are here

we have been deprived most of their awesome trash music

speaking of whGLORIOUS

bobby comes down in his sparkly dressing gown, starts doing a flair strut

what a twat

love that gregg gets in on it, announcing him as BOBBY ROOOOOOOOoooooooood

best ring announcer in the company right there

wow, mike is wearing some truly eye-bleeding hot pink tights

and wasn't he feuding with sami five seconds ago?

bobby has already said 'glorious' four times

maybe stop it and wrestle

mike deploying his unique fighting style of 'just punch them in the face a lot'

bobby does a top rope blockbuster, because this is apparently a thing he does now

and glorious dt for the pin

that match joins the illustrious roster of ones this episode that have certainly happened

and bobby stands on the corner like look at my weird triceps for a while

but now, kevin is backstage

byron like welp we were meant to have a mach next but guess kevin's coming

cut from ads, and here are aiden english, his pipes, and his john lennon shades

but not for long, as we hit the kevining

aiden's stood there like excuse you peasant

kevin opens by assuring him that nobody in arkansas has the cultural erudition to appreciate him, so he should just go

works surprisingly well

kevin is pissed because of the ref shenanigans last week/in this whole angle

have a long vt of said topic

mostly notable for shane's facial expressions and a+ powerslide

kevin appeals to the legitimacy and logic of the wrestling referee's profession

it's apparently the first anniversary of kevin winning the universal belt

and he's like well this would have never happened on raw why am i on this trash show

criticises shane for shamelessly abusing his own power, i can't argue

oh hey, here's shane to shamelessly abuse his power

and get cheap pops

shane's like hey dude don't blame me for your poor life choices

now please leave my ring we don't want to hear you talk more

and aiden, get back in, your fighting sami

and here he is

kevin's stomped off to take a spiot on announce, so everything is good

immediately picks a fight with byron

sami is taking remarkably little abuse to gather the power to overcome aiden english

we should use that as a metric for power levels

kevin despairs at the poor performance apparently displayed by the ref, so he gets in the ring, steals the man's shirt and declares himself the ref

sure, that's totally how it works

sami stops fighting to be like what the actual fuck is your problem, gets unsurprisingly blindsided

and then powerbombed by kevin

aiden's like sure whatever, goes for the pin

kevin counts at the speed of sound, end match

ooh, aiden's got his solo music back

so drama

kevin gives the ref his shirt back, swags off

up next, that tag match before the tag match

after this ad for jeff hardy having an ic title shot, just in case you'd convinced yourself that was a dream

and now burger king tells us how great sergeant slaughter was

would pribably be even more popular today, which is something of an indictment

and now, renee interviews shane

he's like that match never happened, i'm going after kevin, talk among yourselves

and now dasha interviews dolph

guys, learn what 'next' means

dolph is not in fact unveiling his new thing this week because fuck arkansas

but here, have a standard ziggler-issue rant

proposes he should ride a motorbike to the ring playing a double-neck guitar

hey, i'd watch it

steps to finn's charisma

fuck you, dolph

dolph enigmatically promises something for next week, end thing

and now here are the usos

and a replay of their summerslam match, tom actually makes the mistake of mentioning that it as basically the best match on the show, even though it was on the kickoff

e's pouring cereal over the fans again

seems like it's been a while

xavier's got a kneebrace on, but more conspicuous than that is the massive IT'S SORE sign round his neck

like, it seems like you should notice these things in the opposite order

the last ref was apparently too traumatised to continue, since we've got charles in now

cut to ads, and we come back on jimmy already shitkicking big e because fuck you, tv audience

kofi tags in to do some standard gravity-fucking shit

fuck it, this match is moving far too fast for me to narrate

tbf, that's been true of p much every match tonight

does the smackdown editing staff have even more add than usual

and dirty rollup by jimmy for the pin

end thing, apparently

dasha tries to introduce carmella for an interview, ellsworth's like um no and does it himself

asks her her plans, she's like nope i am never telling you secrets again

throwaway line about ellsworth stealing flowers from a funeral hiome

nattie turns up, promises to make carmella the baron corbin of the women's division

makes a match for next week, ellsworth like oh cool next week, well in that case shutting up

and then naomi turns up to announce a title rematch in a fortnight

fuck, this is moving fast

and up next, fashion files season 2 begins

breather while this myc advert happens

but actually now, lana is here?

what the fuck is going on with this episode

she's here to do a dodgy hyperbolic intro for tamina

greeted by little rock with a resounding piss break

oh, and here's a jobber

tina stock, we hardly knew ye

lana's doing the manager barking orders thing, but with a mic so none of us can avoid it

tells tamina to crush, this was apparently some kind of trigger word, because she goes berserk

and one superkick later, end match

with loads of super ugly bumps packed into its 90 seconds

and lana's got her girl some paparazzi

well this is weird

also, tamina, that cravate throw is totally nia's thing, get your own

and now, fashion files

and its early 90s credits

still not starring chuck norris

fashion files: back 2 basics

dango's stacking boxes with all their shows in

tyler proposes a vacation together, dango's like nope

tyler unveils the new gadgets from the lab

including some headphones, a blacklight, friendship bracelets, and a belt

this is really cute

tyler kills the lights so he can play with the blacklight

finds a circle of arrows on their old files, gets stuck for a while

and then a hidden message

Two B Or Not Two B

which variously leads them to shinsuke, aiden english, and bob ross

they roll out, dango puts a second pair of sunglasses on and clips another to his shirt

but up next, the main event

but of course, we have some ads before that, because otherwise you wouldn't recognise smackdown

including the raw version of the hurricane appeal, for some reason

someone's getting fired

and an ad for 205 live, with a disembodied voice doing it instead of a semi-bothered wrestler for once

back from ads, and we've missed most of shinsuke's entrance

this will not stand

but to be fair, we've also missed all of the heels'

randy gets a full intro though

were they just ranked in terms of how close to arkansas their home town is?

barely gets in the ring before brawling breaks out

given every other segment in this show, i expect the main event to last about 2.6 minutes

and they start the match during yet another break

seriously, smackdown does not give a shit for you, tv viewer

and by 'you' i very much mean 'me'

but clearly we needed to see this long-ass headlock

this match is actually moving at a speed i can narrate, but i also don't give a shit

randy spinebusters jinder on the barricade, gets massive pops because douchebag face v foreigner

the singhs interfere because randy and jinder only have one match, and they want rusev and shinsuke to get out of the way so they can do it

byron claims rusev had a statue of himself built in his hometown

huge if true

jbl responds by casually claiming to have had a bunch of statues made of himself

horrifying if true

jinder tags in to switch his long-ass headlock for a long-ass hammerlock

got to keep your moveset diverse

shinsuke gets a hot tag off jinder basically deciding to break his own shoulder on the post

the match turns into just shinsuke/rusev, which it should really stay

so much more promise there

naturally, jinder reappears as i type that

randy takes him out with the draping ddt, kinshasa to rusev for the win

i was exaggerating before, but not by much

that match was officially short as fuck

awkward randy/shinsuke faceoff ensues

they both grin, respect is given, aaaaand rko because randy is fundamentally a tool

crowd are not sure how to take this

love american man but also love charisma for miles, what do

well, that episode...certainly happened

from a raw highlighted by a contract signing to a smackdown featuring tyler breeze accidentally hypnotising himself

what a time to be alive

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - A Facekick Says a Thousand Words

Welcome back to WWEm. Just to remind you, this is my daughter Emma (hence the amazing pun in the title) watching WWE matches and commenting on them. At length. With swear words. You can also catch her on Twitter as @Waruce, although this is usually during a PPV.

Transmission dates: 21/22 August 2017

Guess who's back

back again

daniel's back

(also em)

yeah, i've been sitting on that intro for a while

but yes, i am returned from the abyss of doing other things

so it feels like a good time for some MONDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

(i said i was caught up, not punctual)

so yeah, this is summerslam go-home week

if you didn't watch summerslam, it was p good

and none of this will make sense to you

opening with paul and brock, just to remind us all that bouncy mcdickchest is still champion

except you can't see the dickchestiness because he's wearing an ugly merch vest

and trousers, which looks really weird on brock

the man should not wear human clothes

while he bounces in the ring, enjoy this slideshow from sunday

including braun killing brock with all tables available, which was fucking hilarious

but hey, at least roman got pinned

audience response to brock is mixed, but everyone loves a suplex city chant

paul begins to talk, we all drown in smug

it always makes me laugh when paul insists on "undisputed", when every fucker's challenging for it

and he wants us to see a ppv match as some kind of assault orchestrated by a shadowy conspiracy

if the best shadowy machination you can come up with is to give someone a marquee match at the second biggest ppv of the year, you need your shadowy conspiracy card revoked

paul is somehow managing to spin brock as some kind of heroic underdog

i like my underdogs STANDING THE FUCK STILL

paul mentions the fact that brock pinned roman, biggest pop yet

we can all unite under the banner of 'fuck that guy'

paul mentions ufc, enjoy that legal action

at least paul manages to get through his spiel before BRAAAAAAAAAAAAUN

he's a sadistci giant, but at least he's polite

and the crowd love him even more than brock

goes for a chokeslam, then just kicks him in the face and powerslams him instead

a facekick says a thousand words

entire wwe universe put on notice, take a really big shot

by which i mean like a box of wine

and now this tangent has made me imagine a wine bong

braun dramatically lifts the belt, but stomps off without it

still so respectful

brock lies in the ring, swears directly into the camera

keep it classy, dude

up next, enzo/cass in a street fight

after this myc advert

ooh, the first episodes should be out today

gonna watch the shit out of that

also before we do anything, have a mania-style slideshow with a fuck-off huge black bar at the bottom for whatever reason

slideshow of summerslam, to clarify

not just vince's holiday pics

aaaaaaaand i'm back to ew

image of the day: vince mcmahon bonging a box of wine

and now we get an announce team recap of brock/braun from five fucking minutes ago

finally on to the next segment, here's cass

and i still dislike that they changed his music again

this is super generic

i liked the weird-ass electronica he had going on before

why the fuck did i say electronica there?

industrial

i am so on form

and now this slideshow reminds me that enzo taking his clothes off and buttering himself out of a shark cage wasn't some kind of fever dream

the fuck was that match about

and here comes enzo

does his intro, cass stands in the ring smirking like the fuck is up with this guy

enzo starts a diss track on cass having an education, for some reason

by contrast, enzo claims he grauduated "magnum come larder" from the school of hard knocks

here comes the bit where enzo waxes lyrical about their youth together

daniel, cue the soft-focus flashback

enzo says this is where the story ends, which is good because it can't go to much more

enzo leaves, then returns with a shopping trolley full of random objects

cass comes up the ramp as enzo ineffectually throws things at him, ref goes fuck it and rings the bell

enzo tries to kendo stick cass, gets the shit beaten out of him in return

yeah, like i say, we don't need more on this angle of 'cass beats small man into paté'

back in the ring, cass gives enzo a chair like he's bray wyatt or something

enzo gets up, kick to the face

coming back from the break, enzo is still dying on the floor

important ad break recaps of enzo getting beaten to shit

enzo crawls for the chair, cass kicks him to death, repeat

asshole chants predominate

corey drops a martin shkreli reference, cos that's just how he rolls

enzo bullfights cass out of the ring, because we need some kind of futile hope spot

dramatic crawl to the chair, just as he gets it cass stomps on it with his hand in

that spot was cool when cedric alexander did it

cass is, however, selling a leg injury from the spill to the outside enormously hard

calls for a medic, ref throws the x as enzo flails with the chair as the ref gives zero fucks

slomo replay of him hitting the outside

nasty bump, but that injury feels really worked

enzo dances with a fan, end thing

later tonight, sasha turns up

and here's a slideshow of people tweeting about her

but now here's emma, who's pissed about sasha being alive and her not getting the title shot

berating dana for everything being her fault

starts badmouthing nia, who is of course right behind her

they've got a match next

nia is unimpressed

but first, an ad for tomorrow night's smackdown in the aftermath of shane being laughably unqualified to be a ref

but now, here's nia

she's not like most internalised misogyny

nia really needs to work out what ring poses she's going for in her entrance and commit

seems super halfhearted

but here's emma, so i'm happy with the music

tbh, i love both of these

emma starts on the offence, nia is just like what are you trying to achieve

corey calls booker out on saying things that don't make sense, distracting the announce team from calling nia pinning emma

well that happened

up next, elias [SURNAME]

which cole is unreasonably excited about

and here he strums

why did he fucking lose his last name and nickname at the same time

now his intro just has his one-word name three times

apparently he stared into the eclipse and now can see everything so incredibly clearly

is elias samson a superhero

says he has a song about r-truth, starts doing an acoustic version of his rap before giving up and doing his trademark country-styled smack talk

berates the crowd for clapping along

he clearly has so much fun with this role

and here's truth

great

real top of the card angle right here

cole berates booker for not using his mic correctly

seriously, announce crosstalk seems to be the flavour of the night

almost talk over the pin again

quick win for elias

cole loves elias, booker likes truth, corey's just like fuck both these assholes

christ, i forgot the shie were tag champs

up next, kurt angle has yet another announcement for us

some of these slideshow shots are p great

credit to the staff photographers

but here comes an olympic hero, luxuriating in thousands of people lovingly telling him he sucks

apparently he has a surprise for us

on "the monday night raw"

oh, it's just cena

that could be more surprising tbh

with the whole free agent thing, i'm waiting for him to turn up on nxt

and have sanity eat his heart

booker calls him a prime time player

i feel titus worldwide might have something to say about this

cena commences to work the crowd like a champ

is there such a thing as crowdworkrate?

this is the most disorganised crowd

can't even lining up duelling cena chants

he calls the crowd out on booing at super illogical places

apparently he's here to get face to face with a certaint [sic] wwe superstar

here comes roman

i want cena to just be like no, i mean brock

fuck off, dude

cole claims it's deafening in the barclays, the crowd are clearly quiet as fuck

half of them clearly can't be bothered to even boo roman

i seriously want there to be a FUCK THAT GUY chant

you both suck chant begins

close enough

aww, roman is who cena wanted

dang

roman commences super lame smack talk

in which he tries to intimidate john fucking cena

cena stands there like do you know who i am

according to the audience, he's the undertaker

get on topic, crowd

cena loses the shirt, faces off, and...here's the miz

has bo stolen ariya daivari's gold jacket

signs point to yes

miz calls the venue "the barsgays"

cena stops him, corrects him, says "Marbles out of mouth, speak. Continue."

i have to pause the show to giggle

i love modern self-aware cena

but seriously, can nobody speak english today

miz commences to run sarcastic hype for this angle

like seriously, do these two need more exposure

says barclays every other sentence to make a point

miz is suddenly the face of the universe

easiest face heat ever, cutting on these two

oh, and here comes miz being angry about having the shittest timeslot at summerslam

really needed addressing

miz unites the crowd in saying fuck cena, he's like welp guess i'll go

miz stops him so he can shout at him for turning his segments into a joke

and now shout at the crowd for being fickle bastards

every time miz mentions his title, bo is standing behind him just pointedly pointing at the belt

and back to miz ranting about the respect he doesn't get

you deserve it chants fill the room

cena's like welp the people have spoken let's do the main event

miz/minion v cena/roman

roman's like um what

miz is like this is not how me getting a moment works

but now, here comes the WOMP

and also its earthly herald, samoa joe

time for some incredibly well-spoken smack

joe's like i support this idea in theory, but i'll be miz's partner because i hate both these tools

talks to roman, predominating chant is you're his bitch

brooklyn keeping it creative

goes to talk to cena, just punches him in the face instead

cue 6-man brawl

in which joe goes for a coquina clutch on cena and roman punches him off

and then long awkward faceoff between cena and roman as the miztourage slink away and joe rants backwards up the ramp

you both suck chants still very much a thing

but now, adverts for sasha, seth and dean all being here tonight

good to know

exterior shot of the barsgays

shockingly, kurt has approved that tag match

and we come back from the break into an 8-man cruiserweight tag, because fuck giving that division room to breathe

dar/nese/gulak/daivari v ali/alexander/swann/metalik

i do love metalik's slingshot arm drag thing

and ali's...well, everything

daivari goes for a hot tag to noam, he's just like nah you're alright mate

so tony nese comes in instead to play the ab counting game

the crowd are far more interested in their mexican wave than this match

fuck you, brooklyn

cole references tony nese's 12-pack, because apparently he slept through the counting game

thank you, corey

and lumbar check to nese for the pin

good match, but clearly nobody in brooklyn gave a shit

still a great finisher

i love that the replays don't have to fuck with the video speed, because it is as brutal as it looks

but now, here's charly with neville

who has regained the ability to focus on objects now he's got his shiny belt back

oh, but not while he's talking

some good middle-distance work there

calls tozawa a pathetic japanese punk and titus a flesh-eating parasite

seems a little over

starts telling us that there's a word for people like that where he comes from, tails off before he can tell us what it is

the suspense

titus and tozawa turn up, challenge for a rematch, leave

up next, the shie

after this slideshow

and this scene of kurt and his son

jj wants a match

with more than a dozen people watching this time

he wants finn

i approve, kurt does under suffrance

but now, the tag champs

they enter separately, no shield entrance yet

BURN IT DOWWWWWWWWN is very over

so are these guys in general

they're getting very philosophical about their reunion and the nature of friendship and belief

and seth invites all of brooklyn to a party

that seems impractical

they call out a challenger, brooklyn starts the delete chant even before the music drops

nobody loves this music more than jeff

matt kicks off with a creepy goat laugh

as you do

they congratulate seth and dean, do enough broken stuff to stay the most over people in the ring

they challenge for a match, seth is just like wow we're huge fans

matt's accent is slowly slipping back

they call for a ref, this is apparently a thing

so of course, this is where we break for a smackdown advert

and we come back as the bell rings

cole takes four tries to say the word 'seriousness’

professional

shot of the kkb watching this match in their massive army jackets

guys, you're not actually in this match, you could maybe wear real clothes and sit the hell down

seth and dean do a baseball slide/frog splash combo like fuck you street profits

matt does a dropkick through the ropes with no exit strategy, briefly tangles himself in them

some hot tags later, we've got matt and dean matching each other shamble for shamble

matt throws dean and seth out of the ring, tags jeff for poetry in motion over the ropes

dean pulls seth out of the way of a whisper in the wind, jeff has the ugliest landing

dean gets jeff in a weird leg trap anaconda vice thing, because that's apparently a move he does

and now just starts repeatedly throwing seth at jeff

shockingly, the third one ends poorly

jeff 'lands' a whisper in the wind, mostly just kills himself

matt does the turnbuckle mash/bulldog thing, even corey makes a broken reference

blind tag lets seth and dean do a really nice spinebuster/sling blade combo for a nearfall

throw both hardyz out of the ring, then suicide dive them both, because apparently jeff's jumpoffallthethingsitis is contagious

matt spinebusts seth on the apron, outsmarts dean by having ever watched one of his matches

at least until dean crotches him on the top rope

goes for dirty deeds off the top rope, the announce team get too excited

blind tag lets the hardyz set up for a swanton

dean gets the knees up, which seems dangerous as fuck

and kingslayer into dirty deeds for the pin

pan out to the kkb like how the fuck did they do that what's the deal with these shitweasels

and now let's have another recap of brock from earlier

because we needed to see him again

what am i saying, we get to see braun kill him again

makes me giggle

oh, first confirmed match for no mercy

brock/braun for the title

shock

actually, i think the first match was that advert vs all our minds

but now, we're backstage with the miztourage and samoa joe with a towel on his head

miz congratulates joe on joining the miztourage

joe is not impressed

shuts miz up, establishes a very loud game plan

tells miz to "do...that annoying unorthodox thing you do in the ring"

hey, anyone want an ad for season 2 of total bellas

well, you're getting it anyway

wait, you can't see this

it's just me being subjected to it

dang

another myc advert

so hype

but now we have sasha

as promised, she is indeed in this ring

well, she's in the building

god, i'd forgotten her dilophosaurus coat from summerslam

was not the best look

thankfully, she's back to real clothes

gets ambivalent cheers for being from boston but somehow having become a brooklyn homegirl

does a brief tribute to ric

i'm amazed it took us until the thrid hour of the show to get one

weird glitch in the video where sasha briefly turned into finn bálor and jason jordan

unconventional angle

but now we're back, and here's alexa to interrupt

and be smug despite having lost

cool jacket though

calls sasha out on the fact that she has never been able to defend the belt

sasha wants her to do her rematch now

seems unlikely

oh hey, she said no

because brooklyn don't deserve it

but we're having it next week

wherever we are next week should be grateful

oh, memphis

apparently they deserve it

i'd love to see alexa's criteria

but now, here comes jason

to a very slight remix of his shitty music

new tron, but that was hardly the problem

this version sounds like it was played on actual instruments

slideshow time again

reminding us all how awesome shinsuke's violinist is

but now, here's finn

back in human form

not that i'm complaining

does the arms

bell rings, commence some of the fastest chain wrestling you've ever seen

apart from you, dude who watches njpw matches at double speed on youtube

i see you

jason goes for the handshake, finn kicks him in the gut

makes sense, tbf

this crowd is so fucking cold for like the last hour and a half

what's up, brooklyn

did you all come to takeover and summerslam and now you need sleep

i like to think that people just live in their seats in the barsgays for four days

jj has turned serious thanks to finn's ungentlemanly conduct

gets finn in his butterfly lock for a while, which as always looks like he's really obviously not pulling as hard as he can cos he could probably dislocate someone's shoulders quite easily if he wanted to

finn appeals to his club peeps, uses their power to kick a dude in the head a bunch

p sure i've seen that anime

are the crowd doing a fucking beachball chant again

someone get cesaro

and also a new audience

straps come down, finn does a really nice powerslam counter, gets punched in the head, pele kick to down both of them

so jj just picks finn up and starts running him into all the corners

slingblade into a really ugly corner dropkick

people need to stop standing so far from the corner

and coup de grace for the pin, because while we might be pushing jj, it's not to the extent where he can actually get a win

but next, main event time

after this trailer for birth of the dragon

which i hear is racially tone-deaf as fuck

i mean, i have no more information than that, but it's a wwe production, so i kind of assume it's racist unless i hear otherwise

and yet another smackdown ad

and one for the women's title match next week and the cruiserweight title match on 205

but after allllllll that, here's the miz

and this brooklyn crowd, like so many crowds, has no idea of the timing to miz's intro

apparently miz caused chris pratt and anna faris to break up

huge if true

and enter 120% of your daily WOMP

and a cena

corey's excited because apparently he's never called a cena match before

doesn't seem like such an achievement

the announce team finally tell ric to get well

boos erupt even before roman's entrance starts

oh, so now you wake up

match starts in the advert break, cos eh

it's not like this match is going to be particularly scintillating

cena is actually shouting at the crowd about the beachball

gets asshole chants, corey shouts "Lazarus is risen from the dead!"

sure, why not

it's one of those episodes

oh, and now we're doing the wave again

announce team like lol, fans are having fun

but they're also not watching the fucking match

cena keeps getting distracted playing with the crowd

miz gets the opportunity for a finale, cena sells it as well as he does anything

joe tags in to just punch john in the face a bunch

miz gets a nearfall off the fluffiest top rope axe handle you've ever seen

and crotches himself when cena dodges a bronco buster

does miz even usually do bronco busters?

or was that just added for the comedy crotch pain spot

(i'm going for the latter)

roman goes for a superman punch, joe counters into an uranage because roman runs at approximatel 0.003 mph

miz gets roman out of the ring, distracts the ref as bo punches him

if you're getting taken out by a clothesline by bo dallas, you should maybe reconsider your career choices

joe gets roman in a trap claw that's less a rest hold than a hiatus hold

i lookd away for a second, so apparently joe has magically transformed into miz

cena hot tags in, does his five moves

so joe just stands in the way of the 5ks setup

roman tries to intervene, accidentally superman punches cena

and this is how friendship ends

acquaintanceship, at least

miz spends forever setting up for a finale on cena, cena just refuses and hits an aa for a win

because, as ever

cena celebrates, he and roman regard each other with no small amount of disharmony

apparently roman apologised

i didn't see it

and we fade on those two bro-ing in the ring

but hey, seeing as i'm actually here for the first time in a while, why not keep rolling a MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!?

daniel has just held up a sign in response to that

it just says BECAUSE BEARS.

...

well, i'm going to take that risk

he's flipped the sign, and the other side says BEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARS.

i really need to have a talk with my staff sometime

and also maybe bearproof the office

ah well

problems for future em right there

for now, roll the tape

opening with a flashback of tozawa/neville, for some reason

neither of these are on this show

i am confuse

well there's your problem

that was actually the next episode of 205 live

excuse our slight technical problems

daaaaaaanieeeeeeeeel

right, take 2

oh hey, it's opening on a recap of summerslam stuff from smackdown

funny how that works

currently aj/kevin

and now we're live

and they don't want none

still in the barsgays, for the record

hopefully this crowd is better

so yeah, here's the us belt and ts lovely hair

also a human attached to these things

jbl approves of shane's refereeing, so you know it was bad

apparently aj built the barsgays

funny how often that happens

aj's bringing back the us open challenge

stating. right. NOW.

so here's kevin

i can't help but feel this booking misses the point of an open challenge a bit

aj's just like nope we did this already fuck off

kevin refuses to believe aj beat him at slam

claiming it's some kind of twenty years later brooklyn screwjob

here comes the money to offer a counterargument

and also the man carrying it

i like to think his gear always has a few bucks in it just so his music is true

shane like hmm, i could address this situation between my employees or i could spend some time going for cheap pops first

(spoiler: it's the latter again)

shockingly, shane's angle is that he did it fine

kevin touches on the fact that shane had a helicopter crash and jumps off buildings but got taken out by the edge of a 450

but his real grievance is that shane counted 3 before calling off the pin

he has video and everything

pointing out the fact that referees fuck up counts all the time but it still counts

it's cute how we're trying to bring logic into wrestling

shane disagrees, kevin immediately gets all up in his face

he's just turning into some kind of conspiracy nut

aj's like shut up you twat, let's have a match

shane's like this sounds like a terrible idea, but eh, fuck it

kevin wants to pick his own referee for the match

shane disapproves, but aj doesn't give a shit, so we're doing that

but it's kevin's last shot at the belt while aj has it

this angle has been pretty great, but i'm all about going out on top

but now, here's bryan on the phone

alluding to a couple big surprises

suspensssssse

here come the singhs to announce their emeperor

and jinder's here to be like thanks for inviting me daniel i accept your worship

bryan's like um no

instead, he's giving shinsuke a match against the singhs to get some revenge

and immediately end segment

bit weird

later, we have becky/naomi v carmella/nattie

but first, watch our bruce lee film

and this slideshow of summerslam

they are trying so hard to make it mania part 2

but now, backstage, kevin has approached sami, of all people

like sure i've been the worst friend possible, but i can trust you to be my ref, right?

sami responds by plugging his dvd

kevin's like i know you're free because you do fuck-all on this show, so help a brother out?

walks off as sami's like wtf just happened

back in the ring, aiden english calls for his spotlight and treats us to them pipes

lights cut halfway through 'drama king', and enter a very familiar e-flat chord

and the beautifully-robed man who comes with it

so yes, bobby roode is on smackdown now, and this is like the one thing i had spoiled

but to be fair, it's not like there was much left for him to do in nxt

and this should be good if they make it a feud

maximum theatricality

the brooklyn crowd are so down with it

roode does the glorious arms, aiden protests, gets punched out of the ring

one advert break later, this is turning out to be a decent match

jbl makes a beer money reference, call the lawyers

who am i kidding, anthem's lawyers are all busy with the matt hardy situation

aiden pulls out all his signature moves, bobby doesn't give a cumulative shit

and glorious ddt for the pin

and here's renee for a post-match interview thing

bobby immediately nearly punches her in the face

and opens by congratulating shane and bryan for hiring him

and basically catches the casuals up on what a tool he is

and they play glorious domination again because everyone loves that track

and now for more slideshows

including one they got from somebody's phone

class

and now, chad's in with bryan

and he's like hey i've got you a new tag team partner

and it's shelton benjamin

so, yknow, basically the same partner

and chad starts doing his old-school clingy enthusiasm thing

and now we're backstage

kevin gives sami a ref shirt, and he's like well i thought it over and i came to the realisation that i hate you go die in a fire

d'awwwwww

but now, here are the hype bros

fighting the usos, apparently

and here they are with their new belts

and their intro music, which i swear is gaining more rap every week

recap of their match on sunday, which was fucking great

best match on the show by miles, despite not technically being on the show

match starts, mojo surprisingly thinks the usos ain't hype

mojo dodges a stinger splash, lets jimmy just smash his own face into the corner

hot tag to zack, bringing some technique to match the enthusiasm

the moment the usos leave the ring, mojo barrels out of fucking nowhere to take one out

but jimmy still superkicks zack for the pin

and now he has some things to say

and jey has a speech about paranoia

is this entire gimmick based around minority-targeted prison violence?

(sources say yes)

but now shinsuke's walking around backstage, doing his octopus arms anyway because why the fuck not i'm shinsuke nakamura

SLIDESHOW TIME

and here he is

sadly, no live violin

which i'm now reading like 'living violin'

and imagining he has some kind of animated violin following him around to do his music

maybe it's true

maybe the legendary violinist is just a projection, and the violin itself is the true life form

why yes, i have been watching a lot of steven universe

what of it

but now, here are the singhs, who've brought their boss to introduce, presumably because they wouldn't have their own entrance otherwise

but hey, i love jinder's music, so i'm not complaining

while he comes in, have this slideshow of his match with shinsuke on sunday

commence match

which apparently will have both singhs in the ring at the same time

thanks for establishing these rules 15 seconds after the bell rings

and they're not even in ring gear

so what the fuck

shinsuke does good vibrations to both of them at once, makes even less sense than it usually does

likewise his knees to the corner

they get some brief offence off jinder distracting him

doesn't last

rolls one of them into the triangle, he taps before it's even in properly

jinder blindsides him after the bell, shinsuke doesn't give a shit and kinshasas him into a coma

and we return to the saga of kevin nomates

getting pulled over by the fashion police

they want to be his refs even though they're off duty

so they can "make damn sexy zebras"

kevin's like wtf fuck off

baron turns up, offers to do the job in return for having the first title shot if he wins

hope that shirt's an extra large

but up next, the women's match

after the myc ad again

so yeah, here's nattie

who i had completely forgotten was champion

and as a special reward, she gets to wear a jacket

fringed epaulettes and everything

i kind of approve

she will be a relatively-benevolent dictator

she's not disabusing me of this image with this speech

promising to return honour (cos she's canadian) and dignity to the division

and here are carmellsworth

james like grats nattie you finally won a thing after the age of the universe

and carmella's here to be like hey i have a suitcase just sayin

carmella's also got a nice new jacket, but she's also changed to a singlet and it looks super 80s and not great

ellsworth like hey can you even trust carmella she might just not tag in and let you get beaten up so she can cash in on you

carmella's like shut uppppppp you moron

but here's becky

no new jacket there, but i love her existing one, so yeah

and naomi in her awesome led fur coat

it's basically too hot for clothes here rn, but i would still wear that 24/7

match starts, i am just distracted by how much carmella looks like she's come in off the set of season 2 of GLOW

carmella taunts naomi a bit, then just tags nattie in

funny how that works

nattie beats on becky for a while, then goes for the tag as carmella 'slips' off the apron

and just lurks outside like go on nattie you got this you're awesome

naomi manages to tag in off carmella dicking around, nearly gets nattie to tap

nattie tags carmella in while she's distracted by her best guy, she then takes a bexploder and a split moonsault for the pin

oh no, our dastardly plan failed because we just generally kind of sucked

the graphic for the main event looks really dumb, cos they've clearly just photoshopped a ref shirt onto an existing graphic of baron

while they were booking this show, could they not have spared five minutes to give him a shirt and get a picture

anyway

here's dasha

reintroducing us to the long-absent dolph ziggler

who's like thanks it's great to be back here reintroducing myself to the fans in this crappy backstage interview thanks a lot

and goes on a tirade about how it's all about the gimmicks these days and he finally understands what it takes to be a wwe star

but now, lana continues to disappoint tamina

she's set up a route to the title starting next week

tamina's like fucking hell what about this week

lana avoids just saying yeah, they've already had one women's match today

instead leads her in a guided meditation on rage and resentment

during which her accent spans basically the entire northern hemisphere

now backstage with aj

and here comes baron in his ref vest

just to tell aj about the deal

aj's lik well, if i win there'll be an open challenge every week, so shrug

so that match is now

here comes ref!baron, with his new intro that i still don't quite get

it's like he's joining the ascension

which, on reflection, would be pretty great

king of trios 2018 confirmed

and yeah, here's kevin

and once again, they continue not to want none

aj hands baron the belt to do the ref thing, i'm honestly surprised he didn't run off with it

bell rings, kevin immediately leaves the ring

aj complains to the ref, who's like whatever man i don't give a fuck

i kind of love the fact that baron's wearing the ref vest as well as his wasteland bondage tights

i can't express in text how dumb he looks

pause for advert for next week's raw

and by 'next week', i do of course mean tonight

but hey, this blog has always had a somewhat spongey relationship with time

speaking of time and sponginess, this match is so fucking slow

like, there've been a couple of good spots, but they generally both look like they're still not over sunday

naturally, aj speeds up significantly as i type that

or maybe the video glitched

who can say

ushigoroshi into a phenomenal forearm for a nearfall, baron just kind of looks at it like yeah i should probably count whatever

instead, aj cranks in the deepest calf crusher i've seen

looks genuinely nasty

baron claims kevin touched the bottom rope (he didn't), so kevin throws aj at him, causing some i'm-the-fucking-ref power trip shenanigans and general fronting

and here comes shane to shout at his terrible refereeing while aj and kevin have taken each other out

kevin punches aj in the dick while they argue, goes for a pin, baron starts counting put gets pulled out of the ring by shane

one inter-official argument later, baron gives shane the vest and storms off

shane's wearing it over a tshirt, and it's still like four sizes too big

kevin's like wtf there is actually a conspiracy

and one phenomenal forearm later, kevin's out of the us title picture

during the highlights, kevin staggers up the ring with a blank stare like aj flayed his dog

and we fade on aj with his belt

ok, that was a pretty solid episode all round, narrative-wise

and the gas pervading the barsgays that stopped people being able to talk coherent english appeared to have dissipated a bit

so yeah, the bloggening has resumed

entirely possible it'll go on another hiatus in a month or two, but hey

if you have any complaints about this issue, please direct them to

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Hiatus

Hey everybody, real talk time here on WWEm: It's summer, and I'm off on my annual retreat away from the internet in a few days, so the blog's taking a few weeks off. I'll still be watching the shows when I can to keep my shitposting fresh and topical, but I won't be writing them up, so you'll all have to provide your own dumb commentary. You can do it. I believe in you.

See you all by Summerslam (probably).

Emma (@waruce)

#Wrestling #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #WWE

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - M. Night Parablamyan

You’ll be pleased to hear that Comic Sans has gone on indefinite leave. Also, the formatting has now become single line spacing, until I find I don’t like it or something. Let me know if you like it/love it/don’t give a monkey’s butt.

As ever, Emma can be found on Twitter as @Waruce, usually during PPVs.

Transmission date: Monday 12/Tuesday 13 June 2017.

all up in this bitch, cos it's SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW! raise your hands if you can't remember thing one that's been happening on raw shit, can't type with my hands raised rescind that last advance warning: if i make more mistakes than usual in this writeup, extend me some leniency on account of i can barely see straight, because it's fucking summer so my eyes are full of TREE SPERM and MUCILAGE and THE DEATH OF ALL THINGS seriously, it's a party but oversharing aside, let's watch some wrestlemans and wrestlewomans, although the raw wrestlewomans' division needs to figure out what the fuck it's doing

we open with a recap of joe talking shit to an absent devil who i think is going to be turning up this week? i say that like i care and also him choking the life out of a small portly jewish man and being the most well-spoken kind of psychopath snapping into the present, we're apparently in the cajundome and immediately hit brock's music hey, they know what the fans want now i just need to figure out why they want that so yes, the championship is here, attached to the walking embodiment of technically-legal masking agents but thankfully, only paul has a mic apparently this is the day of joe's fuckupening i paraphrase, but i wish i wasn't "Like a shark luring the chum into his domain..." paul, i think we need to take you to seaworld or some shit apparently joe was somehow abusing brock's ring, despite the whole bit where he hasn't been here in a couple of months paul is hastily retracting everything complimentary he said about joe last week and now throwing shade about the fact that joe's not part of the anoa'i dynasty? that's certainly an esoteric burn the angle is that the coquina clutch would probably fuck brock up, but joe won't be able to get it on him because he ain't shit related note: can we have a moratorium on white dudes calling poc a 'mutt' or similar? leaves something of a bad taste joe arrives, him and brock immediately unload on each other kurt sends in security, brock kills them all, so paul calls in the whole roster to pull them apart and they kind of suck at it leave security to the pros, guys all the faces are clinging onto joe like he's the messiah and end thing, apparently tonight's main event is kkb/hardyz for the title round #34982, but this time it's two out of three falls cut for ads, and we come back on a recap video of the exact thing we just watched i know i say my memory's bad, but seriously booker's still here, because shut up with your reasons

but now, here's elias and his guitar and his array of scarves weirdly, this crowd seems pretty split on him he's written a song about the brave inhabitants of the cajundome asks the crowd to be quiet while he plays, cole immediately starts talking so yeah, this is a song about how louisiana and dean ambrose aren't collectively shit so here he comes elias, please never try and rhyme 'breath' with 'darkNESS' again recap video of the deep strangeness of miz's championship celebration aka, The Day Mike Fucked A Clock With A Chair (and offended his wife) i did like the ending of it, though it's nice to have the cameramen acknowledged as something that exists in-universe elias samson is present, so naturally corey is immediately salty as fuck he hates dean, too, but seriously "The man has the vocal stylings of a pigeon that's been stepped on!" (fun fact: i would probably listen the hell out of an elias samson album) (just do acoustic covers, whatever, i just like his voice) so far, this match consists mostly of dean trying to trashweasel his way out of trouble and elias shutting him down duelling chants seem a bit harsh: "You can't wrestle!" "YOU CAN'T SING!" dean gets his usual comeback sequence comprising a strange mix of real wrestling skill and just running in the vague direction of your opponent and hoping they fall harder than you do elias stands far too close on a suicide dive, basically just grabs dean and walks backwards like oh no i am defeated dean gets the upper hand of a super slow turnbuckle spot, miz runs in to bother him elias still can't even pick up a distraction pin maryse is backing miz up, so at least they're still okay dean goes for miz, he does the wife-shaped shield thing it doesn't work at all, miz gets beaten on a lot dean gets back in the ring, elias does a nasty knee drop on his back as he comes in, swinging neckbreaker for the pin "By hook or by crook, a W is still a W!" are you in a fucking ionesco play, corey

but now let's have more of goldust doing his thing his thing, of course, beign sitting in a chair at a terrible frame rate and quoting films dude, if you just turned that chair a bit, you wouldn't have to crane your neck like that can't be good for you but yeah, vague threats in the vague direction of r-truth

but now we're backstage, and an angry kurt has words for the miz those words basically being FUCKIN' QUIT IT he has enough trouble with big samoan guys named joe miz insults kurt, alludes to his indeterminate personal problems, you could chew the tension demands dean be suspended or fired, kurt retorts with a) shut the fuck up, and b) no maryse is apparently still angry at her husband kurt walks off, miz splutters, end thing cruiserweight time now, after this video to remind yiu just how good cedric alexander is, since he's been away for a while and here's noam dar arguing with his phone backstage cedric comes in to remind noam how done he is with him and his girlfriend's collective shit she is, of course, on the other end of the phone she's injured, but she wants her scottish sleazeball to beat cedric right the fuck up tonight cedric's like fuck, fine, whatever, i'll fight you tonight, but then can you please go bother literally anyone else

so yeah, now it's time for that match noam is still on his phone on speaker as he starts his entrance they're having a barely-audible argument and the phone's casting to the tron for some reason also, noam has a new jumper, and it's nowhere near as good alicia wants to be on the line through the match, noam does not want this the ref's like dude sort your shit out we've got a match to have finally puts it down in the corner, bell rings, lumbar check, end alicia is piiiiiiiiissed that's still an absolutely vicious finisher noam is trying to salvage this telepresence argument while also going oh holy fuck my spine hype no. 58 for the main event

but up next, bray wyatt...does a thing, i guess? he's certainly present and i'm ok with that but now a video package of roman, because god knows we haven't seen so much of him see, this package makes him look good, cos it's just the big spots and not all the slow-ass bullshit between them next week, roman has an announcement about summerslWYATT CUT bray fills the screen, tells us cheerfully that the world is ending does the i'm here thing, and now he is after a randy-based wyatt cut, for some reason did someone click the wrong file? corey calls bray 'bizarre', somewhere goldust is like wait a fucking minute bray's going to kill everyone who sins, sits in apathy while people sin, or blaspheme against him apparently seth lives in a house where his architect's blueprints cover the windows and block out the sun this may just be a parable, but it's a fucking great image oh, apparently bray shattered it because it was a glass house? did you mention this before, bray? bit of a shitty twist other wise m. night parablamyan and now seth will be picking splinters of glass out of his soul for eternity that's a fucking greek god level of ironic fate so yeah, anyone who takes the dark lord's name in vain will get fucked on speaking of, here comes seth to get fucked on/pick glass out of his soul i'd be good for either he's like wait a minute dude you cost me my match because i called you names that seems disproportionate but by the way, you suck seth claims he's here to pipe bomb some truth at us, calls bray a coward don't insult him, he has a backwards tractor bray takes the opportunity to give a sermon on pride, tells seth he, too, ain't shit like lol kingslayer ain't that cute *teleports backstage* bray claims he'll win because gods live forever think we need to read you some egyptian/norse myth there

but now, charly has the hardyz in the led interview backstage corridor whatever thing the hardyz would like you all to remember that they're awesome and that jeff has an unhealthy predilection for jumping off things but now, enjoy this montage of what cena's been up to and remember that he'll be back in an episode i am unlikely to blog

but now we have kalisto vs titus, through the medium of his younger, happier dude and akira tozawa is standing in the front row, because titus wants him on brand apollo beats on kalisto, titus stands by the barricade shouting at tozawa like DUDE LOOK AT MY BOY ISN'T HE GREAT tozawa is like please stop shouting at me kalisto goes for an excessively flippy handspring springboard stunner, apollo counters to a spinout powerbomb for the win titus drags tozawa into the ring for an uncomfortable selfie with them he's just like dude stop hugging me

but now, HARD CUT TO CLOSEUP OF RHYNO PUTTING CHEEZ WIZ ON CRACKERS we all needed that miz has come with a proposal for heath to become part of his entourage rhyno is like dude i'm standing right here miz promises to make all heath's dreams come true, heath's like well i've always wanted to be ic champ hmmmmm miz offers him a shot if he joins the dark side rhyno's like you know what fuck you dude i'm gonna go find kurt to give us a match against you maybe rustle up a friend we're out *aggressively eats crackers* so yeah

spot about that theme park competition thing, but now here's alexa our resident wrestlewoman with her shit together oh hey, a recap of last week's match so it did happen after all no, alexa, don't kick off by mentioning your match at extreme rules we're all trying to forget on saturday, we've got the first women's mitb match, but fuck that noise, tonight's about me but here's nia to take issue with the fact that alexa offered her a title shot, then whined about it and cheated out of it alexa's like i know right we should have had a great match but those two fucked everything up so here come those two mickie's redesigned her gear to play up the Native elements again chest dreamcatcher and everything mickie and dana try to remind everyone how much of a bitch alexa's been to nia in fornt of everyone alexa's like lol no i think your eyesight's going ah, cheap ageist jokes but now,...hit emma's music not that i'm gonna complain fucking love that music *beep boop beep boop* emma announces her dramatic return, demands a shot for the title alexa's just like um do you even go here and now here's sasha fuck it, everyone in the division in the segment that's how we do wrestling, right? so wait, are alexa and nia the only heels on the show? seems unbalanced sasha mocks alexa for literally everything she does, punches her in the face, cue brawl and hard cut to an advert for the episode of smackdown i'l be watching later back from ads, and we've got the 6-woman tag match we all saw coming so yeah, emma's still a heel, just one with a problem with the even heelier champ so yeah, emma's back, with weird shoulder things and boobface and everything although following a gear redesign, the boobface has gone from :) to :o it's great that she's back because she's great, but it does mean i have been once again demoted to the second coolest person to bear the name formulaic tag, sasha hot tags in to beat on emma, alexa decides to just walk off instead of letting emma tag out, bank statement for the tap this is not how you make friends

confirmed, later we have slater/rhyno vs miz/[NAME]

but next, corey talks to bayley about her utter lack of extreme after this advert for gold bond and MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY cole massively hypes it, then is like wait what the fuck am i saying that's the wrong brand smoothly done and now, have a package about how great finn is, and that is THE ONLY ORDER THOSE WORDS GO IN complete with lots of shots doing the arms and telling us how good he is

but yes, now we have corey/bayley just by his existence, corey must remind her how extreme she's not for the love of god, woman, get a tatt bayley's like hey i've never been in that situation before i'm a normal person i don't want to hurt people corey's like um have you ever wondered why you're in this business bayley does this whole motivational self-improvement thing which doesn't really work on its own cena does that, but with the understood subtext that if you get in the way of him being his best self, he will fuck your shit right up and bayley says her next thing is to get the belt back manageable steps slightly awkward hug, end interview so that was a thing

but now, here come A ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAAND (and his friend) rhyno should rebrand as a one man road crew miz and maryse arrive, wearing the mania jackets again, because all the best people read this blog (hey, mike) apparently he approached elias during the advert break, who said yeah fuck off dude so here comes his partner with music that sounds like the laughing fucking gnome of something and on a tricycle it's the bear although this bear is much taller and walks like dean ambrose corey christens him Big John Cubb crowd chant for a tag, miz is like i'm not a moron do you think i don't know who this is corey is just spamming us with spurious life facts about the bear because of his refusal to tag in a large mammal, rhyno is just fucking miz up all over the place cole makes a reference to the jbl and cole show, to reward dedicated weirdos bear tags himself in heath tries to take his mask off, bear punches him in the face good to know bears follow lucha tradition does a bearhug (naturally), heath nearly taps miz tags, then starts beating the piss out of the bear at ringside rips off the mask, revealing some dude, once again and rhyno spears miz into the netherworld throws him back into the ring, bear follows, heath tries to convince him to turn on his master, bear hits heath with dirty deeds, excessively long realisation beat, he unmasks and is in fact dean did...did we just get twin magicked by a bear? IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, MIZANIN! ahem dean goes for miz, he jumps and knocks maryse off the apron she hobbles off with a dark look dean stands there with a magnificent ooooooops look until miz turns around, when he hits him with dirty deeds and puts a still-unconscious heath on top of him for the pin slater and rhyno leave, dean puts the bear head on miz and walks off this just became strange this feels like it should be on one of those serial killer warning sign lists miz eventually rips it off, glares, end segment

hopefully we should have the main event next, if they want to give it the time it deserves oh, looks like we actually are huh was not expecting them to do the whole sensible booking thing recap video of the most beautifully-executed surprise return at mania and also this entire feud i'd forgotten how good their heel turn was, as well oh wait, never mind, neville's here phew if wwe started booking things in a sensible, organic way that gave things room to breathe, i wouldn't know what to do rich swann enters, does his usual dancing, gets punched in the back because neville's taken a bunch of levels in twat oh wait was that the neville level i get it beats swann all over the place, rings of saturn until he stops twitching demands his belt and a mic neville crouches by swann, recites a list of pretenders he's fucked on, kicks him out of his ring starts a monologue like it's good to be the king but will all you usurpers just fuck away off namechecks tozawa, hopefully kickstarting a feud that i am down for like you would not believe apparently titus tweeted that selfie and suggested tozawa might win the title the king is less than amused but now, charly interviews the kkb cesaro has a copy of the hardyz' autobiography so they can laugh and throw it away they keep getting more things on their jackets including they live OBEY patches, which is cool

and next, enzo/cass vs anderson/gallows seriously, you should really logically need more time for a two out of three match than a normal one this show has like half an hour left and we still have to see enzo do a thing or not, who knows with this angle douchebag joisey music hits, nobody is here cut backstage, cass is on the floor under some girders the revival walk past in the background, no reason cass says he went down with one blow to the head, emphasises how HARD they hit enzo doesn't want him to fight, but he insists but in the ring, gallows and anderson are here to trade secondary school burns and muttley laughs about enzo and cass hit twat music again, long beat, and here they are accompanied by a bunch of refs like seriously dude this is a terrible idea if only we had some power to stop this match happening alas, we are only lowly wrestling officials, all we can do is point and harangue corey calls enzo a trash fire masquerading as a human being, which i'm like 80% sure is a john oliver line? sort your material, dude cass beats on anderson through weaponised staggering, finally ags out enzo's 3am-behind-a-hollister style works for a bit, until anderson just kicks him in the head a bunch and tags gallows in cass is lying on the floor outside and magic killer for the pin turns out going into this match with a recent head injury was a terrible idea who knew they set him up for another magic killer, but here comes a big shooooooow to help at which point the heels run away and enzo and show awkwardly hug which is what cass comes around to see fuck daggers, he's glaring broadswords show leaves, cass comes up to his partner like the fuck dude, cut to ads

main event next, fucking finally

ok, no, we have to watch an r-truth reaction video first these have a solid frame rate at least, but that's come at the cost of things like 'colour film', and 'not having r-truth' truth quotes network, forgets to cite it, promises to get goldust got get got got get, end and now in the corridors, enzo comes up to show like dude, the clues all kind of point to you, so i have to ask show's like what the fuck you twat i...oh wait, it's your partner, what a twat calls cass sawft, walks off, end

but now we have a recap video of brock and joe from the start of the show why the fuck do we even need to see this just get to the main event already less than 20 minutes left this is not enough time for a properly-paced best of three match with build and everything oh, and now we get to see joe talking to mike mcmikemike backstage apparently this whole debacle has been exactly according to joe's plan this plan has never been clearly stated which is probably also exactly as planned we are all dancing on a large samoan's palm

but now, here come the hardyz fucking finally oh, and an advert break and that package for how great roman is again siiiiiiiiiiigh thing i didn't quite catch before this cut: is matt hardy wearing a fucking button-fronted short-sleeved shirt? that makes no sense for anyone whose gimmick doesn't include the words 'Caribbean', 'dipshit', or 'Caribbean dipshit' cut back, and now he's wearing no shirt ah well guess some things can just never be known and here are the kkb they've kept the jackets, but gone without shirts to maximise the orbital terawatt laser effect of their entrance bell rings, just over twelve minutes left in the show fucking hell, wwe trust your talent the teams clearly know time is against them - sheamus tries to open with a brogue, then immediately takes poetry in motion and a twist of fate for a nearfall and then sheamus basically just punches jeff in the face for the first fall? this match had so much potential sigh and now, let's cut away for an ad break and naom, gallows and anderson advertising pizza hut buy pizza from us, so twats can take it off you and back to the match recap of the first fall - jeff went for a twist of fate, sheamus countered, threw him into the corner, and did a slightly underwhelming kick to the face for the pin and now we have sheamus just kicking the shit out of jeff jeff mule kicks sheamus into a blind tag, matt hot tags in and starts mashing cesaro's head into all the turnbuckles does a delete, on the grounds that anthem probably don't give a shit, right? kicks sheamus off the apron, twist of fate on cesaro for the win i hope this narration is giving some sense of how perfunctory and artificially quick this is that's two falls in just under five minutes in a fucking championship match sheamus kicks jeff off the apron, kicks matt in the face, knees matt in the face, still can't get a pin turns out all my problems cannot, in fact, be solved by kicking jeff breaks up a pin, sheamus throws himout of the ring, cesaro goes for a neutraliser on matt, matt counters, cesaro counters that back into a sharpshooter, rope break nice sequence then matt goes for a small package, which kind of just seems like a dick move double hot tags, jeff does his usual spots, twist of fate to sheamus, cesaro breaks it just in time sheamus drops jeff on the ropes, cesaro uppercuts him, still no pin jeff bullfights sheamus into the ring post, hits a lovely swanton, cesaro pulls sheamus out of the ring just before 2 cue brawling at ringside aaaaaand double countout with which the cajundome is just so fucking satisfying brawl continues, because fuck you and your matches and your belts and we fade on the hardyz shouting from the ring while the kkb pose with their questionably-retained belts

so yeah that's it that's the show the fuck, guys? i mean obviously it was meant to be unsatisfying, and they're going to be doing it again, presumably at GBoF, but still you could still have done it without that shitty tease match but who knows maybe it'll be narratively significant

anyway, let's clean out that bad taste with some SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! oh wait it's the setup show for a ppv roll on the shitty tease matches! setting up for mitb, so everything is ladders and tonight we have 6-man tag of the men's mitb contestants and randy and jinder 'face to face'

but now, the new day being played to the ring by their very own marching band, because we're in new orleans, so why the fuck not they could probably take shinsuke's violinist, but i'd watch it kofi opens by thanking the band even before doing their own introduction, which is good form the usos interrupt their gyrating to angrily enter and be thug at them and they can't even finish that before the fashion police turn up fandango claims to have compelling evidence hat their day one is not so h after all "If anything, your day one is...G." tell em tyler tyler gets to finish his sentence before the colóns enter to talk shit about breezango's policing skills (psst, guys) (they're not real detectives) so yeah, we're getting an 8-man tag match here although it's not immediately clear how the fashion police are allying themselves with three men wearing about 17 strings of beads between them the levelling for the announce mics is just fucked to hell tonight does smackdown even *have* a tech team, or is that how they run such a streamlined, modernised show? i do love that this push has given tyler and dango the opportunity to remind us how good they are at wrestling jbl, please stop making bead string jokes *brief shudder* xavier and tyler do a weird-ass combo move consisting of tyler doing a rana-style headscissors on xavier, then stopping at the top so xavier can throw him at primo followed by xavier joing the burgeoning dropkick to the back club the faces take everyone else out of the ring, stop for a brief trombone break and now we get to watch more american adverts i am officially tired of this shit i would much rather be watching this match than adverts about how cigarettes will fuck your mouth or this enormously fucked mountain dew advert and i can't even watch the tiny version in the corner i am very easily distracted oh thank fuck, we're back tyler's in trouble thanks to those dastardly usos jbl reminds us again how the usos are the greatest tag team in the world, and somewhere jason jordan is crying i mean, that's statistically likely at any given point, but still yeah, tyler's just getting the piss knocked out of him including a simultaneously dull yet impressive vertical suplex from epico comes back by throwing a bent-over epico at primo, then clotheslining primo so he ddts him nice, if making no sense whatsoever kofi tags in, kicks everyone, hits jimmy with a boom drop and trouble in paradise for the near-fall and tags in xavier for upupdowndown for the pin and taunt the usos as they retreat in failure

but later tonight, we have charlotte/nattie

but now, aj talks to shinsuke backstage and sami walks in like hey guys what do you want to do in this match asks for ideas, then talks over aj with his usual overthinky ring general thing does a they don't want none, goes for a high five, aj just stares, asks if shinsuke likes the plan, he just stares, sami answers himself and walks off to get warmed up long beat Shinsuke: "...I like him." AJ: "Of course you do." some lovely chemistry between those two which shoudl really surprise nobody

but now, dasha interviews mojo in some random corridor hey mojo, how did it feel to fail and not achieve your dreams last week? mojo is still wearing his watermelon hat magnanimous in defeat he's kind of happy he lost, because he responds to adversity with HYPE and we haven't seen the last of him and as he says this ZACK FUCKING RYDER appears the crowd are as stoked about this as i am he is officially back, and the hype bros are back together get the fuck in so yeah, this tag division's kind of huge

but now, here's naomi who we are reliably informed is amayayayayzing although the same cannot really be said of this new flourescent halter top she's got and she's fighting everybody's favourite leather-clad lunarian (shut up, i'll stop making that joke when and only when it stops being really fucking funny to me) bell hasn't even rung when the trash jazz begins just look at that woefully impractical dress and that super fucking awkward walk down the ramp we couldn't have brought her up through nxt and moved billie and peyton up to perform exactly the same purpose because... jbl explains the incomprehensible ascent of lana with leicester city, neglecting the fact that leicester had in fact played premiership football before that season anyway, tamina and naomi are just beating the hell out of each other tamina like i'll see your bouncy moves and leg lariats and counter by PUNCHING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF YOUR BODY try punching her leg off of her leg i hear that works against people with legs i don't think i will ever not love that somersault facelock escape naomi does although it does kind of pose the question why she doesn't just commit to it and do a shiranui and split moonsault for the pin good match lana blindisdes the champion incredibly slowly, does a weird-ass glam slam type thing, then gets the belt off an official just by asking for it didn't know you could just do that and all jbl can say is how the belt matches her dress siiiiigh

but now, here are the singhs to introduce their boss he comes in wearing the sharpest fucking blue suit you will ever see next up in entrance music i like way more than i feel i should... the ring is sporting a fucking lovely carpet jinder briefly calls out randy, then goes straight in to calling him a coward and insulting his father maybe ramp the smacktalk up there? and now we're up to the 'promise to dismantle your enemy's legacy backward through history' step this curve feels like it's going to end up in actual bloodshed very soon starts his promo to his people/shouting at the crowd in punjabi, gets partway through, randy's music hits sends the singhs down the ramp to head him off, only for randy to run in out of the crowd and rko jinder on that lovely carpet and then he just fucks back off throught the crowd who love him for being a dickbag but somehow also a babyface dickface? yeah, let's go with that even if it wasn't in his hometown, they could not be setting this up for a 'shock' randy loss any more cue several seconds too long of randy posing and glowering in the stands

and now we have kevin coming into the locker room to brief baron and dolph who don't give the slightest shit what he has to say he's just like guys, i don't actually like either of you, but it's mutually beneficial to work together to take out the babyfaces rather than being dicks for the sake of it and shooting ourselves in the foot which...actually makes sense? dammit, kevin, stop bringing logic and game theory into my wrestling leaves to let them process this, cut to ads

up next, charlotte/nattie

but first, renee interviews randy backstage and he's just like have you even been listening talk less hit more i'm win the thing and leaves well, at least he's sticking to his epiphanies

but yes, now we have the women's match natties back to her old gear, and i'm not thrilled jbl just used the phrases "most likely" and "statistical certainty" right the fuck next to each other in a sentence dude, words mean things and you need to stop just saying whatever but yes, charlotte is here too, with new gear patterned off the terrible moulding on your grandparents' bathroom fittings shot of becky watching the match backstage pull up a fucking chair for once, someone

more wrestling in a minute, but first, YOU WATCH THIS ADVERT BREAK MOTHERFUCKER including an advert romanticising the fact that people need stimulant shots to participate in capitalist society see, this is what happens when you make me watch adverts whioe i'm freestyling i just end up veering into political/economic philosophy, and it's hard to come back from that oh thank god, we're back

we come back on natalya surfboard stretching charlotte like fuck you, i'm a real wrestler charlotte moonsaults nattie for a nearfall as we pan out to carmellsworth watching the match on a tv bigger than either of them again with fuck you i can wrestle, nattie powerbombs charlotte out of the corner for a nearfall (don't tell anyone, but this is actually a good match) naturally, as i say that, it turns into a series of cheap rollup attemtps, then natural selection for the pin but it made charlotte look desperate, which it's always nice to see side note: they've recoloured the GBoF logo so BALLS is the least eye-catching part

time for fashion files noir bitches dango opens with a gritty monologue about his terrible parents cut to him admirin his pecs in a mirror and cut to tyler, lying in the trashed fashion police office dango gets a description of their attackers "One arm....No, two arms!" dango sketches something, tyler confirms that it was them who attacked him dango hustles tyler off to get help, and we slow zoom on the pair of stick figures as the segment ends

but now, let's have an inspiration porn segment about a kid not dying of liver disease let's not get into my ranting about disability politics

moving on, dasha grabs lana backstage for an opinion lana's like i don't actually give a shit what any of you think byeeeeeeee

but now it's main event time opening with kevin's massive distorted face it's like neville and tjp selling their names for power, this is clearly a 'you can be champion if we can reveal how you look like hodor when viewed from below' situation and now here's baron, accomnpanied by a vt of him being a twat last week (but which instance? we may never know) dolph's entrance is mostly overridden by an advert for talking smack, which i won't be watching because jbl's on it sami and aj enter with less fanfare, but they still don't want none to leave time for the best music in the company but how will he enter tomorrow night the suspense whoever the tommaso ciampa-looking dude in the corner is, he is freaking the fuck out about being within reach of shinsuke cut for ads, during which the match apparently started and as we come back, i realise that i didn't fully appreciate the awfullness of those godawful cyan tights dolph iswearing only emphasised by putting him in the ring with shinsuke shinsuke counters dolph's elbow drop through his signature technique of 'being elsewhere', hot tags aj in, and he opens by basically hitting dolph with the bitter end and then an ushigoroshi, except we don't say that any more ooh, nice counter goes for a styles clash, dolph counters to a tornado ddt everyone else gets involved, cut for ads, and we come back on dolph/sami natursally, kevin immediately comes in as i type that sami counters kevin's senton with his knees, basically turning it into a self-inflicted lumbar check as often happens, this heel team seems much more concerned with shouting at everyone within range than having the match sami gets the shit beaten out of him by kevin, counters to a blue thunder bomb, can't quite flop fast enough to make the tag takes some more punishment, pulls out a big lariat and then bullfights all three heels out of the ring in succession sloooooowly flops to his corner, and just as he gets there dolph and kevin pull aj and shinsuke off the apron lovely bit of timing so sami just goes fuck it and helluva kicks baron for the pin maybe lead with that general fighting ensues and now kevin has a ladder he and dolph hit sami and aj with it "Unforgiving impact of that ladder on your flesh." byron's freestyling for his upcoming black metal album meanwhile, baron gets the ladder and fucks on everyone with it sets it up under the briefcase, climbs sloooooowly enough for shinsuke to push it over and somewhere, randy orton began to bleed kinshasa to baron, and shinsuke dramatically climbs the ladder himself and retrieves the most important business supplies in the world and we fade on him posing

so yeah, setup show, but that was pretty good and it looks like mitb should be good better than extreme rules, at any rate and certainly less of a misnomer unless it suddenly becomes clear that shane's accounts were frozen long ago and there was never actually any money but in any case i'll try and get this up tonight (Saturday), and then it's mitb tomorrow hmu on twitter @waruce if you want to see me struggle not to fall asleep and also to reconcile my excitement for MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY with the failings of late-stage capitalism (shit, it happened again)

anyway, that ends this week's show, but up next, it looks like it's gonna get a bit finnegans wake

#Wrestling #WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown

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grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Back Like a Recurrent UTI

In response to a comment from a reader, which is frankly one comment more than I ever thought I’d get, I’m dropping the interline punctuation. Be aware I may be switching to Comic Sans next week though.

Transmission date: Monday 5/Tuesday 6 June 2017.

Coming at you off the back of Medium-Strength Rules, this is THURSDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

so yeah, extreme rules was kind of crap like, i don't need it to be all barbed wire rope exploding table deathmatches, but that was honestly tamer than a lot of episodes of raw it's like waiting a fortnight for a jalfrezi and getting a shitty mushroom dopiaza or something (that's the subtitle of the dvd release, btw) (Extreme Rules 2017: The Shitty Mushroom Dopiaza of Wrestling) kkb took the belts, though, so that's good at least in any case, i should probably stop using this blog to bitch about ppvs that we're not watching and actually watch the show just kidding, it's my blog, i can do whatever the fuck i want NEXT UP: THE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE HABITS OF SUCCESSFUL LEAFCUTTER ANTS (2017, 7hrs 41mins) *daniel starts raw* dang ah well we'll get back to that particular gem we kick off with a dramatic slideshow of an entirely undramatic two-chilli rules main event if you haven't been keeping up with the results, joe won by stealing a pin opportunity and choking finn to death i have genuinely no clue how they're going to build a joe/brock feud without turning one of them, which would make no sense and be bullshit were the hardyz in the title sequence before? i am very unobservant, so it's possible jesus fuck, guys, you don't need to keep weaponising the pyro to see what i say we're back in the mohegan sun later, joe talks about life but now, here comes a bray to chop off your head or possibly declaim some eschatological craziness could be both who knows i'm wearing a SanItY shirt, i don't give a shit aww, apparently he's here to fight roman disappointing can he chop roman's head off? booker's still on announce, which is weird given that otunga was around to be on the pico de gallo rules preshow panel ok, bray's got a mic so at least we get some preaching before roman gets here apparently sunday was the beginning of the end, because bray will not be there to slay the beast because he was stabbed through the eye with his own sword of salvation but he's fine, because he's still a god (i'm not even paraphrasing) he's here to pass judgment on the guilty which includes basically everybody who isn't him he mentions roman, the arena roof levitates on the cloud of boos he's vowed to personally punish everyone, starting with roman now oh, and here he is personally, i would not enter a room with a man who had just levelled that particular bit of demagoguery at me but hey, i'm not roman reigns loving the guy on hardcam with the I CAME TO BOO ROMAN sign so did everyone else, it seems apocalyptic cult leader and self-proclaimed god vs big taciturn punch man which way is the heel/face divide even meant to go in this situation enormous boos, roman takes bray's mic, boos redouble apparently this kind of public hate is why roman is the guy sure, why not better than proclaiming yourself the BIG FIGHT man cannot tweet roman coldcocks bray, start the match bray nearly lands sister abigail within about six seconds that would have been fucking hilarious although it kind of feels like maybe bray should have a new finisher to fit this whole bringing judgment upon the guilty thing or maybe that's just my overly-narrative booking instincts who can say (that is definitely what it is) fuck off, daniel i'll rescind your fruit bowl privileges bray avoids a samoan drop through the incredibly advanced tactic of punching roman in the head repeatedly that's the kind of tactical nous you only get by anointing yourself with the burnt grave earth of your diabolic mistress as the saying goes did we really need to cut to that enormously wide shot where the camera's on the other side of a lighting rig several astronomical units away from the ring? like, we get that the mohegan sun's big no need to prove this at the expense of beign able to see shit if i wanted to watch insects wrestle while i shine a torch into one of my eyes, i could do that at home i'm going off on tangents a lot here because this match is slow as fuck roman is still creeped out to the point of a nearfall by bray's spiderwalk goes for a pin off an uranage, then takes roman to the top rope we could be here a while he does a few punches, roman headbutts him for longer than would seem necessary before turning it into a powerbomb roman cocks his hand, takes a couple tries to hit bray what happens if he cocks his hand and doesn't do anything with it? does he have to punch something to get rid of it before it goes off accidentally? or can he rack his forearm to eject a loaded fist? enquiring minds want to know anyway, while that muse was visiting me, bray heard roman going oooooooo and rolled out, took a driveby but punched roman's head off so it seems my earlier proposal was correct huh i can call murders better than matches bray goes for sister abigail, roman reverses into a superman punch and a really slow spear for the pin so yeah that happened meanwhile, someone in the crowd has leveraged all their crafting skills to make a sign informing us that BROCK LESNAR IS TICKLISH corey invents the adjective 'slaughterous' yeah, ok bray deserves new words end segment later on, we have joe doing a thing but next, we talk about the shitshow that was the 'extreme' women's title match "But can Bayley get EXTREEEEEME?" "No." but now, we have charly interviewing enzo and cass enzo's conscious, which is a change charly asks enzo about their match tonight with enzo and cass, he responds by creeping on charly and insulting corey's hair cass is insulted by the rumours that he was attacking his bro, promises to watch his back at all times and then they leave, and enzo returns to creep on charly alone good backwatching, colin what if charly was the mystery assailant it makes so much sense anyway, now we have a dull slideshow of the dull women's title match and photos of the one welt on bayley's back, which has made her take the night off somebody send jericho to talk to her in his curtain room/office, kurt is confused by his phone and here is alexa to present terms she wants a celebration of her entire life tonight because the this is your life segment went down so well outstanding kurt immediately comes back like fuck no that's an awful idea this is your life was dreadful and anyway you owe nia a title shot tonight alexa is none too pleased and slightly shellshocked but here's dean, aka 33% of the best bit of semi-notable rules and now, here's a very large man on a stool dressed entirely in scarves and fragments of scarves, with a song he wrote after seeing a leaf fall on the side of the highway

actual quote

it's a song about how dean sucks, basically

with a subtext about how elias deserves a title shot

dean's music interrupts it

it's an elias segment, so corey is SO ANGRY

dean does his hey dude hold on a second i just want to PUNCH thing

hits him until he goes away, and demands a title rematch but here's miz on the tron, like fuck no he's wearing a bow tie for the kickoff celebration of the ic title comeback tour and elias blindsides dean into his swinging neckbreaker and shouts at him, because sometimes you just gotta but up next, samoa joe the mohegan sun fans need something to cheer, or they're going to riot but first, dean storms backstage runs into kurt, asks for a ref in miz's dressing room kurt's like no, we've got a party planned and i'm scared of maryse, please go away no dean, don't go to miz's dressing room so kurt ejects him from the building it is just heel city so far oh hey, it's joe funny, that because the prevailing heel archetype at the moment is apparently 'large samoan man named joe' first shot of the match card graphics for great balls of fire, and it looks like shit if you're making a title graphic, maybe don't put a flashy effect around the word BALLS in the centre joe thinks brock ain't shit and wants to take everything he owns including his cushy non-wrestling schedule i think we all want brock's ability to draw a salary and have fans without doing shit joe also wants paul heyman, just for giggles oh hey, paul didn't see you there (largely because you were backstage and i don't have camera control) paul does his usual spiel, and still needs to check the definition of 'defending' does his usual thing of hi joe aren't you awesome can i come into your ring sir please don't hurt me but btw my client also thinks you yourself ain't shit does a soliloquy about worrying for a living, turns it into a jew joke sigh addresses the fact that brock/finn would have been a great story, while brock/joe is just going to be two large angry men trying to shoot kill each other paul does his usual great job of hyping both people in this match you're great, but my client's better paul shakes hands with joe, tries to leave, joe grabs him again and has an earnest face-to-face conversation he's so well-spoken he's like hey paul i understand you're just a legal representative but jsyk i'm about to choke the life out of you and this is exactly what it's going to feel like and then he does calm joe is the most intimidating joe refs get involved, but not until paul goes limp the crowd are unsure how to react to this assault joe shouts at the crowd some more, then leaves and we cut to ads on the sight of paul on the floor and we come back backstage, with kurt like THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO at joe who's like i don't know would you like me to demonstrate loooooooom but here comes seth to shout at joe and intervene also he has a new merch vest to show off kurt's like hey this sounds like a good match this booking shit is easy joe sidles off with a dark look, end thing but now we have slater and rhyno facing the kkb with the former's entrance being helpfully played under the announce team talking earnestly about joe the announcers and graphics team need to decide whether they're sheamus and cesaro or cesaro and sheamus dramatic slideshow of the cage match, making it make even less sense lovely closeup of jeff's post-dive 'holy fuck why do i still do this to myself' face bell rings, instead of getting out of the ring, cesaro creates an novel distraction by running across the ring and sliding out in the opponents' corner while sheamus commences to beating the piss out of heath slater knocks them both down, goes for a hot tag, cesaro pulls rhyno off the apron, brogue for the pin so that was a thing i'll be honest, i just love seeing them with the belts and they get mic spots awesome sheamus is like hey guys look like we know how to do this wrestling thing who knew are you all happy the hardyz came back well then you're all twats you know who isn't happy they came back? the hardyz, who basically ain't shit they reiterate their claim to be the bar, cue music and celebration but here's tjp backstage runs into neville oh so coincidentally like congrats, but where the fuck is my title shot neville does his usual patience, young one thing, tjp will no longer take this shit neville is a man of his word, and he'll give tj his shot if he takes care of mustafa next cut for ads, and here's that match tj's straight in with the slightly excessive aggression, tries to crush ali's face across the corner with his foot and then a bunch of cool spots happen faster than i can type about them but that should go without saying, really thanks for slowing things down with that really long rest headlock, tj mustafa does his lovely top rope twist torndo ddt, tries for the inverted 450, tj reverses into a detonation kick for the pin again with the really short matches mustafa deserves better tj swaggers up the ring, neville's crazy pyro hits, he basically shits himself, it's hilarious he's like i'm sorry my apprentice, i talked to kurt but we can't have a match tonight i tried tj shouts at him, storms off, so he blindsides him and beats the shit out of him on the stage and then says he can have his shot tomorrow on 205 i say 'says', more 'northernly rants' cut for ads, and we come back with another shattered dreams production goldust's like excuse you did you steal my format and my chair it is ON motherfucker promises to bring the whole movie industry into his coming golden age how this will interact with bray's prophesied apocalypse is unclear but now, in the women's locker room, mickie and dana congratulate sasha on her dance moves alexa comes in, sasha nopes out of the room and alexa's like hey girls what do you think about nia cutting in line for the title what a bitch right dana and mickie are like lol no we'll be at ringside laughing at you announce spot, and kurt appears to call corey away for urgent business involving gesturing at his phone and looking annoyed i have no clue what all this is building to if there's been foreshadowing, i've missed it cole tries to ask him what that's all about, corey's like OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT kalisto's here he's lost the aggressively sculpted dragon mask, back to more of an nxt-era lucha dragons thing back in mexican colours and everything whatever happened to el local ...okay, i totally did not know he was ricardo rodriguez i wouldn't have known who that was back when i started watching nxt, to be fair thanks, internet huh anyway, back on the show, ...mike? ambushes kurt backstage to ask what the fuck's going on with those emails or w/e he uses slightly more professional language, because he's talking to his boss while i'm screaming semi-informed obscenities into the formless void of the internet kurt's like nope, anonymous dude, this is private and walks out of the arena and dean sneaks in the door just before it closes dean ambrose: back like a recurrent uti (his disappointing third album) and as we watch him come in, the revival just happen to be in the back of the shot caught it that time i pay attention sometimes but now it's kalisto/titus or actually titus knocking kaliso down and then shouting at apollo also tozawa is watching because titus wants him on the brand kalisto gets a rollup holding titus' trunks, apollo's like welp guess you asked for that one boss does some light motivational slapping, end segment but here are miz and maryse, even more dapper than usual and pan over to big cass, collapsed under a bunch of girders and shit enzo comes running in like whoa what happened way to stay together, guys cass presents enzo with a tacky chain that he presumably took off his attacker, enzo hugs his bro as we cut to ads and we come back on enzo being like okay well this is clearly a frame job and btw we have a match so can cass wrestle or what the answer is no but now we're back in the ring, with carpet and champagne and balloons and maryse and a guy in a teddy bear suit with a sign says CONGRATULATIONS who is totally not dean ambrose no sir but seriously, miz must fucking love balloons this ring is at imminent risk of lifting off and here is the man himself and a dramatic slideshow of the actually-great match complete with the nicest ref ever but yes, miz and maryse both look fucking great tonight just saying surprising number of you deserve it chants miz is immediately like fuck off you chant that for everyone just reminding us he's still a heel and all but yes, i do deserve it and here's a speech about how i'm redeeming the ic belt a toast to me "Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass...or, if you're in this arena, a styrofoam cup..." delivered perfectly miz thanks maryse for all this stuff, mentions the bear, she's like um i thought you ordered the bear then who's flying the plane so miz attacks the bear on principle and finales him welp, that bear's dead dramatically unmasks him, revealing...some dude he's like ...um, well at least you had a brush with celebrity, get out of here *whips him out of the ring* and now here comes a big present down the ramp miz is like well isn't this nice what could this be grabs a chair, beats the shit out of the present while maryse shouts at him to stop and it's a very dead grandfather clock and a very sad maryse tells mike he ruined the party, throws the mic at him, storms off and we are left with a very dejected miz, blaming dean for all his problems and having a paranoid breakdown at the crowd and the steadicam guy who's been following miz throughout takes his headset and hat off and hits miz with dirty deeds lovely slow realisation as the camera feed went up on the tron dean swigs some champagne, takes the bottle and leaves okay, that was really well done but now, we see enzo wandering dejectedly backstage looking for a partner and now we see the family who have good seats because of pizza including the wonderfully-named Enzo Shirtz but yes gallows and anderson are in the ring and here comes enzo all on his onesie does his intro, but it's not the same without a large man gesticulating behind him does his 4G well-connected joke again get new material, dude but he's found himself a new seven-foot man it's a biiiiiig shooooooooow although it would have been amazing if it was braun big show stands in the middle of the ring like what is this tiny rodent enzo tries to give him a pep talk with some semi-coherent jokes mixed in show has progressed from 'bemused' to 'angered' this is the most awkward thing, and i could not do it justice without rubbing a buttered weasel on the keyboard and...now show is doing a joisey-accented monologue with an extended ice age reference before spelling it out for them? what the fuck is in this drink well, the match has started, so i guess the talking can stop bell rings, anderson kicks enzo's soul out of his body standard swift hot tag to show, who...does all the normal show stuff chokeslam to anderson, into badaboomshakalaka except in the form of show military pressing enzo and then just rhowing him straight at anderson well, that was a thing that happened? lasted about 90 seconds anyway next up, women's title match but here are zo and show backstage run into cass, who's like hey funny how show disappears for weeks and then he's back when you need a partner casts suspicion about show being the culprit, enzo wants to give him a ride, but cass takes him away and now let's have a terrible blaxploitation segment full of film references yup but now mike? interviews alexa in the curtain room he asks if she regrets giving nia this shot, she's like i regret this show fuck off faceless dude and back to the arena, here's nia

cut to ads, and...now a weird bit where every version of this i can find appears to have overwritten the entire women's match with the elias segment from earlier the fuck, internet apparently it was pretty much what you might have thought - nia stomped all over alexa, dana and mickie pointed and laughed, and then alexa went and started a fight with those two for a dq win i would have liked to watch that, but guess that's not happening back to the actual show just in time for a graphic for the cruiserweight title match thank fuck i didn't miss that and apparently brock will be here next week i repeat, the champion will be on the show he supposedly leads novel idea so yes, here's everyone's favourite towel-sporting middle-aged-man-strangler and also seth, who didn't try to murder a doughy guy in a suit today bell rings, joe just gets down to punching seth's face in before even taking off his towel seth goes for a suicide dive, joe roundhouse kicks him as he comes out of the ropes, because he is way more flexible than he really should be this match is 10% seth doing cool cruiserweighty shit and 90% joe's hundred flavours of NOPE seth does a sling blade into a suicide dive, and it actually works this time and into a blockbuster because why stop at one signature and as i type that, there goes another suicide dive and then into a falcon arrow, as seth goes fuck you i can do strength spots seth goes up to the top rope, wyatt cut because fuck you lights go back up, seth looks around for a bray who is very much not here, joe blindsides him and coquina clutch until death and we fade on seth bleeding, joe strutting, WOMP WOMPing, and an entirely unnecessary reminder that brock'll be here next week do you have to ruin everything, wwe (don't answer that) smackdown will probably follow tomorrow, after i've gone and been an instrument of democracy but in the meantime, let me tell you about these ants -------------------- And if you enjoyed that, we hope you'll be back next week for our seminar on Following Pheromone Trails In An Increasingly Odoriferous World. right, now that that's done, it's probably time for some FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! (i apologise in advance for any political jokes that slip through) (it's been a tough few days) and we open on a dramatic retelling of the women's five-way last week so yeah, women's mitb is probably going to be the big story this week i've had some of this show spoiled, but i honestly can't remember what, so that's sorted itself out and we're back in the present, and here come the shaney and also the five contenders are in the ring already and one of them's brought their creeper charlotte is looking ridiculously overdressed in her black sequin robe seven words in, shane gets a cheap pop in shane starts introducing them all, calls tamina "a two-time superstar" the fuck does that even mean the crowd love charlotte, but they love becky more apparently we're having a six-woman tag match later because why not have the entire division in the ring *again* drumroll as shane reveals the case it's basically the same, except silver and with some extra detailing on the logo no pink, thank fuck shane has a monologue about how dangerous the mitb match is, like he totally does with the men claims whoever has won this in the past has become champion somewhere, damien sandow is crying ellsworth calls shane out for mansplaining the mitb match, carmella gets a monologue until charlotte shouts her down leans on the genetic superiority thing, offers the other four a chance at brushing against greatness somehow a face? nattie calls her out for ripping off her father, proceeds to do the same to her uncle becky calls her on this, promises to rip off everybody's arms should be worth watching tamina gets to say words, which is novel but here comes naomi gets to do her whole entrance, because fuck this argument i'm the champ hypes the match like dang i wish i was allowed to be in this INTERRUPTING TRASH SAX lana is actually here in person (why do i like this music what is wrong with me) struts down the ramp, everyone in the ring just standing there like um fuck the what shane's like um hi? btw i was trying to do a thing, why are you in my ring shit, she's still russian and weirdly propositioning shane while also asking for a spot in the mitb match naomi just bursts out laughing like do you even go here why do you get to be in this match when you've had like none ever lana claims she can beat naomi, i smell a match for later shane's like seriously this is not how this show works lana has a tantrum in russian, flounces off up the ramp a+ flounce the crowd are loving her shane's like RIGHT back to the actual show that i run let's have this tag match Pun Murderer, FluoroTwerk and Queen Bitch vs Wrestling Mom, Thug Girl (and Douchey), and Obligatory Samoan lots of spots happened while i was working that out, but the gist is it's pretty even so far currently becky is alligator rolling carmella around the ring with her legs there's my thing i haven't seen before for the week apparently carmella taking the briefcase would be "like moving from HD televisions back to nanotubes" i'm going to go out on a limb and say jbl doesn't understand how science works interference by nattie and ellsworth lets tamina hot tag in and grind becky to pulp nattie tags in so she can walk over becky and taunt her teammates she'd be a much more effective wrestler with more wrestling naomi and carmella both hot tag in, the champ commences to cleaning house including three short-arm leg lariats to tamina because hey, if you can manage those, why not throw a bunch in nattie and tamina both come in to interfere, and here's lana to loom on the ramp and knock naomi off the apron, letting tamina superkick her for the pin stands at ringside looking smug like yes i did do that the fuck you gonna do and we go backstage, where shane runs into the andre the giant trophy mid-phone call like the fuck is this horrible public art and here's mojo to address the fact that he won that match and then nothing else fucking ever and be like should i maybe have been in the mitb match being the only person that's beaten jinder on smackdown and all shane offhandedly mentions luke harper, the crowd go wild shane's giving mojo a match against jinder to qualify for the ladder match because as ever, shane books this shit about twenty seconds in advance later we have owens/nakamura but next, styles/ziggler again and weirdly, by 'next', we don't mean 'after someone from the last segment has an encounter backstage' for once here is aj now they still don't want none although by the sound of the crowd, rochester, NY don't not want none dolph enters, recap video of dolph going over aj last week which i had totally forgotten looking more closely at the men's briefcase, the logo detailing's the same so yeah, it's just the colour that's different bell rings, we start going old-school mat wrestling turns out dolph has amateur technical skills that aren't just assaults to the crotch and also, he can dropkick you in the face dolph goes for the most blatant dirty pin, gets caught just before 3 and then a famouser actually connects for a nearfall i tend to rag on them repeating matches, but hey, this is a good match slow superplex setup actually resolves in an interesting way dolph counters a phenomenal forearm into another dirty pin attempt, aj reverses into a styles clash with like no setup, gets the pin because we're actually respecting finishers for the moment and from that to more fashion files noir tyler has a gritty monologue about the connections between prison and the catwalk and narrates himself looking at their clue board fandango returns from taking the cologne to the boys in the lab, only to find out that there's no boys and no lab, so he just tasted it himself as you do

and then this leads into the two of them repeatedly saying a mixture of 'cologne', 'colón' and 'clone' at each other with an increasing sense of incredulity this is like a fucking two ronnies sketch and i love it tyler finally gets it or not nor does fandango, which obviously means they must be close tyler offers a hopeful "Colóse?" and we cut to the new day and their ice cream cart what is life but still with the noir saxophone soundtrack they've come to the fashion police office and are bemused by how they turn black and white as they enter the new day have a case for them, the police say they'll take it, except the new day can't hear them because they're still speaking in their shared noir internal monologue and i am falling apart here big e is uncomfortable with how they're just staring at him but he's got them both rompers carried in his singlet, obviously fandango is not impressed "Listen, Big E, if that's even your real initial..." line of the night right there fandango is offended because they don't take bribes pan over to tyler, who is already wearing his like hey they're fashionable screw you the new day want intel on the usos for mitb breezango hand them five file boxes pull out a hoodie, ask the new day what they know about day one and why it is h xavier is trying so hard not to corpse the fashion police take the case, sax sting, they freeze frame until the new day are like ummmmmmm we'll just go while their noir monologue starts a 'new case rocks' chant that was amazing and you have no idea how many times i had to pause it to type but back in normality...oh wait, it's mojo i still can't hear his music without my brain adding zack's parts and here's a video to tell us that cena's coming back on july 4th, because of course he fucking is i thought jinder's music was different to usual but it's the singhs doing ring announce for jinder in english and punjabi and there's the music i was expecting i really like the ramp graphics they do for his entrance and he remains jacked as fuck somewhere in america, heath slater is watching smackdown and nxt and developing an inferiority complex it's just occurred to me that jinder's and aj's entrances have basically the same beat and structure somebody make me that mashup maybe this entrance is just they don't want none in punjabi that would be amazing i love how they've given jinder a properly long entrance with some gravitas and just generally how seriously they're taking him as a champion mojo is getting the upper hand with the power of HYPE (always upper case) every time jinder rolls out of the ring, the singhs are like omg boss are you ok can i get you a drink and they just have long arguments in punjabi and don't even try and let the average american in on it a singh distracts mojo and lets jinder just jump on his head a bunch doesn't take, because that's never where mojo keeps his brain flurry of offence later, jinder gets an eye rake in and khalass for the pin decent match by two underrated performers jinder's veins seem to have calmed down a bit too, which is reassuring jinder has a mic, the population of rochester is not pleased oh, fuck off your usa chants promises to kill randy and crush his dreams at mitb, leans on the hometown angle again proclaims himself the antidote to randy orton, and by extension america and then does a promo in punjabi, pissing off americans because america another hype bit for owens/nakamura and a video about how cool shinsuke is and somebody painting a protrait of him this video is basically all showmanship, but that's totally appropriate he's great in the ring, but that's not why people love him but next, the new day actually fight and they keep saying it's owens/nakamura 'for the first time ever' i have gifs that disagree but now, randy is backstage renee comes in to ask what he thinks about jinder's promo apparently he's been getting calls from ric flair, harley race and his dad, telling him to let jinder talk and then fuck him up so that's what he's going to do sure, that's compelling interview work but actually now, it's the new day v the colóns they're still throwing boxes of cereal into the crowd and pouring them on fans, because fuck your health and safety it's xavier/e, because this isn't a serious match so naturally, jbl goes off on a tangent about operation overlord this is 90% the colóns taking all the new day spots you know and love xavier and e do the ab stretch/spank thing at the same time, xavier somehow gets francesca ii turbo despite having a match to wrestle in a side note, primo's gone and shaved, so now i have no clue which colón is which xavier does a huge missile dropkick on epico, double hot tag and big e proceeds to annihilate primo xavier does a casual tope con giro, primo tries for a pin from the distraction, fails because fuck you we're the new day, blind tag into midnight hour for the pin their post-match celebration is interrupted by the usos' aggressive music they're here to talk trash at the new day and do their prison thing, astonishingly and they have shitty misogynistic jokes about the new day and jimmy's paranoia monologue i do like that they're doing all this mic work, but can we maybe not be offensive to marginalised groups shot of kevin taping his wrists backstage, but here's dasha in the curtain room with sami asking how he's preparing for mitb he's been watching lots of matches, basically and he has no idea how to get a handle on shinsuke slippery bastard sami tries to do some of shinsuke's moves, it doesn't go well so he's going to be on announce for owens/nakamura for research purposes baron looms into the room, coldcocks sami then hits him with a ladder like stop thinking about shinsuke don't you love me and then pushes him into a convenient pile of ladders and says he's taking the announce spot cut to shane on the phone like i am literally watching the show what the shit was that why do i keep that enormous douchebag around man spends a lot of time in expository phone calls (says the woman narrating the entire show on the internet) but here's naomi to ask for a match with lana at mitb shane's like seriously you have no clue how busy i am right now naomi lobbies harder, puts the title on the line after saying lana doesn't deserve a title shot because she hasn't earned it? does the bald-snatching line, end segment and now main event time here's kevin good sweeping shot of the ring apron and floor, wrong steadicam guy #smackdownediting ad for talking smack, with aj, mojo, and lana and tjp telling us to watch 205 becuse he's awesome [citation needed] claims you can't stab someone in the back if they're standing in front of you tjp has clearly never heard of the concept of elbows baron's on announce great the two facts they put on shinsuke's sidebar are literally 'from kyoto' and 'former nxt superstar' fascinating but what do i care, i'm busy watching him in his studded tabard that everybody will be wearing in the future bell rings, shinsuke does his oh did you want a tieup i'm just going to kick you in the knees baron talks about his storied history of fucking sami up nobody cares, you balding twat kevin has briefly tried to take shinsuke on at the kicking game, failed, and returned to mastering headlocks shinsuke's kicked off a comeback with a lovely single leg dropkick nearfall off his knees to the corner baron acknowledges that shinsuke is dangerous, my no shit alarm is destroying my eardrums (daniel, can you please take the batteries out of that) baron's still trying to talk smack about kevin, but his particular brand of smack is just shite meanwhile, reverse exploder to kinshasa for the win a lightly underwhelming main event, tbh, but shinsuke's clearly been holding back on the in-ring stuff since moving up which makes perfect sense shinsuke does his poses, corbin runs in to end of days him so hard his stupid hat comes off crowd are not best pleased i'm mostly just concerned as to why he's dressed like the second-rate pot dealer at every college (baron, that is) (i would love it if people at my college dressed like shinsuke) and we fade on baron awkwardly posing at the top of the ramp and having no idea what do with his arms halfhearted shimmy as the show ends and now i'm off to watch talking smack and make shitty political jokes you can't stop me you're not my real dad (one of you reading this is my real dad and can stop me) (also possibly daniel's uncle, if he actually reads this) (memo to self: stop antagonising authority figures for literally no reason)

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Alliance Of The Smooth-Talking Evil Big Guys

Transmission date: Monday 29/Tuesday 30 May 2017.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW covfefe

(sorry, couldn't resist)

(no more topical jokes, i promise)

oh christ, it's the memorial day episode

this is going to be uncomfortably political and MURICA, isn't it

we're leading with john cena narrating a video package about how great the military are

finally ends, long bit where we just listen to usa chants, and finally the titles

we might actually get some wrestling on this patriotism show

we've apparently carried on the military theme by replacing the stage pyro with fucking mortars

that was somewhat excessive

so yes

double main event tonight to set up extreme rules

bray/joe/finn and seth/roman

but now, we have the miz

and his impeccably-dressed wife

and we've got carpet and chairs going on, so i guess this is miztv

miz is so excited about getting his hands on dean ambrose it makes him make out with his wife

there's a lot to unpack there

nice recap spot as miz just tells us everything he's done over the last few episodes

apparently rule-breakers are the people rules are made for

that seems like a flawed system

recap vt of miz giving elias the win over dean last time

miz is just like hey if that happens on sunday i win the belt fancy that

and now we have the guests

cesaro and sheamus

kkb in the hooooooouse

in the graphics for their match at extreme rules, they've stopped using the broken gurning pic of matt

sad times

miz congratulates sheamus and cesaro for being the hardest-woirking team in the company

can't fault him

mentions the hardyz getting a cheap title shot, sheamus gets to go off on one about the fickleness of the fans, only emphasised by the delete chants starting

miz puts his hand up, cesaro does the same, tries to convince his best friend to, sheamus is just like nah mate don't bother

miz has a rant about his ic title comeback tour, interrupted by dean's music

he agonises for a bit over whether or not to get in the ring

then stands at ringside and talks about his generally poor decision-making skills

miz is like there's three of us and one of you learn to count you moron

so naturally, cue some hardyz

who stand there bouncing in time with their music along with dean for a bit

and then throw the kkb out of the ring

miz having naturally run away

and then hit their music again, because this is the end of the segment?

oh, wait, they're making it a 6-man tag

jeff snapmares cesaro, but with a dropkick, because jeff legally has to be airborne for at least 40% of every match

matt tags in, proceeds to get the shit kicked out of him

he does it so well

cesaro kicks jeff off the apron, leaving dean wide open for the tag

cole somehow describes dean as "rather eccentric" while matt hardy is also in the room

a series of blind tags leave even the announce team arguing over who's legal

dean cleans house, goes to the top rope, miz distracts him long enough for sheamus to knee him in the face

dean dodges one of cesaro's corner uppercuts, he sells through it so hard he flips headfirst over the turnbuckle to the floor

god bless you, claudio

miz keeps the hardyz out of the way, cesaro and sheamus hit dean with a white noise elbow drop combo, dean kicks out anyway because fuck your tag finisher

dean's gone into that mode of selling where he thinks all pain is electrocution

dramatic hot tag to jeff, only marred by dean missing the fuck out of his hand

tags matt, poetry in motion and side effect to miz, sheamus breaks the pin, twist of fate to sheamus, dirty deeds to cesaro, twist of fate and swanton bomb to miz for the pin

all the finishers that's fit to print

jeff takes off his shirt, ties it round his waist, except he seems unsure how knots work

kind of a consequence when your finisher involves landing on your head at high speed

cesaro and sheamus stagger up the ramp, cesaro completely stacks it

no idea if that was intentional

announce team start their recap, corey gets a call and walks off without a word

huh

but later, alexa bliss does bayley: this is your life

but here we are in kurt's office, and corey comes in

there's some kind of email insulting kurt going round, which corey has forwarded to him as a courtesy

kurt is worried for his career

well this is dramatic

but screw drama, here's a giant hipster with a guitar on a stool

and a song about how he owes miz a favour

lights come up, and it's revealed that a random jobber was standing in the corner all along

that's weirdly hilarious

bless, he looks about twelve

elias straight-up lifts him over his head with one arm

just beating all of the shit out of this random kid

goes out of the ring so he can start mashing his face into the apron

seems unnecessary

just pin him, he's already dead

or you could bow and arrow him around the ring post, sure

shouts at the crowd, swinging neckbreaker for the pin

yeah, that was just a shoot murder

back to the announce table, graves comes back

refuses to talk about what's going on

does he know the camera in kurt's office was on

but now here's an advert for mitb

i hope you like gold bond

and now joe's in a room made of led banners watching a finn video package on a big tv

charly's here to interview him on how he's going to win this match

joe has apparently done all the research and learnt how to kill finn

and as for bray, hWYATT CUT

bray appears on the tv to lecture joe about how he's going to loose the beast of chaos upon the world and then eat it himself and embody the universe

this may be a metaphor for fighting brock, or it could just be the world bray lives in

and now we're back in the ring

i guess that segment's done

and now finn's entrance?

guess we're having that match now

seems odd to do the hype segment immediately before the match

huh

*does the arms*

this match to follow, after another video package about the troops and honour and murica and shit

cut back halfway through joe's entrance

hope you didn't need all that WOMP

but hey, at least we get to see bray catching flies in its entirety

i swear corey just called bray a "genuinely surprising halfling"

logic suggests that he must have meant 'athlete', but i'm sticking with my version

bray is the demon-king of the shire

bray's still wearing his new merch shirt that i've got, except i can't fucking find mine so i'm forced to assume that that is actually my shirt

bell rings, bray slowly slithers down the ring post and out of the ring to let finn and joe beat on each other for a while

i'm down with that, it's been a great match every other time

finn kicks joe in the head, bray leads a round of applause from outside

so joe gets pissed and drags him back in

and then fucks off himself, because heel

but that doesn't last, because even being a shitheel, joe can't resist a fght

throws finn out of the ring, tries to pick bray up by the beard

sadly finn interrupts the process

i was looking forward to that

bray runs the ropes, hits a huge running crossbody fucking*through* finn

this is kind of the usual one guy dicks off and the other two fight structure, but switching often enough that it doesn't feel like it

bray tower of dooms finn and joe, goes for sister abigail on finn, joe coquina clutches bray until finn kicks him in the head

throws them both out, hits a lovely tope which bray sells miles more than joe

cut to ads, come back on bray and joe teaming up on finn

it does kind of feel like raw needs to decide whether they're selling finn as 'plucky underdog face' or 'demon-channeling badass'

bray gets some serious offence on both of them, undermined by corey becoming suddenly unable to say 'wyatt'

this segment of the match is mostly showing us how amazing a bray/joe team would be

alliance of the smooth-talking evil big guys

philosopher kings of pain

and that immediately breaks up as he punches joe in the face

goes for an uranage on finn, gets kicked in the head for it

joe comes back in to hit everyone

this is proper triple threat fighting

booker starts talking about how great joe is, finn immediately throws him out of the ring and kicks him in the head

he's worse at this than me

finn runs around the ring to to barricade dropkicks on both his opponents in opposite corners

takes joe back in the ring, starts ramming him into the corner, joe counters with a lovely reversal into an uranage while still standing in the corner

finn stomps him in the gut, counters out of sister abigail to stomp bray in the gut, joe suplexes finn out of the ring, bray hits sister abigail on him but joe rolls out of the ring, finn hits sling blade to corner dropkick to coup de grace, at which point joe just strolls into the ring, tosses finn out, and pins bray for the win

lovely heel move there

please can we only have corey calling finn matches

there's a fucking e on the end of coup de grace

but now we're backstage, with dudeface mcforgotyourname interviewing seth for his opinions on roman

so naturally seth leads by talking about samoa joe

oh, apparently the dude's called mike

seth frames him selling out the shield as "some not-so-great times"

then claims to own roman

and a whole bit on how he's going to kill everyone at extreme rules

clip of sasha and rich swann exchanging dance moves backstage

and now here are noam and alicia in the ring

and a recap of last week and noam getting throat-punched

apparently this is going to be a mixed tage match at extreme rules

which is cool

but now we're just having rich/noam

but with the ladies lurking around

can i mention how much i love that they haven't used this angle to make sasha and rich an on-screen couple

it turns out women can have male friends they don't want to fuck, and vice versa

who knew

both of these guys look like the film's been sped up about 20%, as usual

the crowd seem under-enthused, which is a shame

but to be fair, this is coming off the back of a great match, so it could just be shade from that

rich bends noam over and then does a standing 450 leg drop on the back of his neck, because fuck physics

meanwhile, sasha and alicia fight outside and rich hits a phoenix splash for the win but we don't see it

rich dances to his music, cajoles sasha into doing so as well

she tries to underplay the obvious fact that she's got better moves than him

boogie on down, end segment

and now we're back with charly, and the revival

aweome

dash's mouth is still wired up

ouch

but hey, scott does most of the talking

charly tries to implicitly ask if they murdered enzo last week

and roll vt of charly interviewing sasha, and the revival walk past in the background

scott's like well duh we do work here, just doing top guy stuff other than wrestling

calls enzo the tilapia of raw

if that whole thing with the video was actually planned, that's some nicely done foreshadowing

corey's just like hey did anyone send cass that footage just saying

anyway, here's a recap of tozawa and kendrick's street fight

and that horrifying senton through the table

while they're talking about that, cass looms in to shout at corey for insinuating that he might have had something to do with enzo's death

i am liking the barely-controlled chaos of this episode

but now, byoooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeep lucha

seriously, that intro is weird and i still don't get it

he's fighting titus tonight, so have this vt of titus screwing his protégé over last week

apollo's still following him

so here's a talking head of titus telling apollo to watch and learn and maybe pick up some of his charisma

apollo is looking increasingly uncomfortable with this arrangement

kalisto knocks titus to his knees, does a lovely short-range rana into a facebuster

titus doesn't care, sits on kalisto and grabs his tights for the win

apollo is displeased with these tactics

he's trying to have an argument with titus in the ring, titus just kind of ignores him and shouts and selfies and end segment

up next, alexa tells bayley who she is

after this plug for barns courtney

who, i should repeat, is from aylesbury and thus should not be trusted under any circumstances

but yes, here's alexa, strutting down the ramp like isn't my hair great

(it is)

(it looks like she's had it redyed)

the kendo pole has been set up for some reason, and there are other people and a table full of things in the ring

this looks like it's going to be a thing

alexa continues to find new ways to reply to what chants

so let's begin this is your life

we have bayley's first doll

we have a trophy

for sportsmanship

alexa's like lol those milennials

we have more miscellaneous toys

and bayley's yearbook

voted most likely to apologise

alexa's like yeah that's fair

but now let's talk about these people

bayley's fourth grade teacher

mrs flapper

alexa at least leads with "if that's your real name"

apparently bayley was a lovely nerd and her dad came to school with her because she couldn't be away from him

and now her childhood best friend, tracy hevelina

how do they come up with these

apparently bayley was a lovely doormat but she never wanted to hang out because she was watching wrestling

which i think is just called 'having other interests'

alexa's like oh my god do you mean being a wrestler was her childhood dream i have never heard that before

and finally, bayley's ex-boyfriend phil johnson

like wtf everyone else got weird names why am i phil johnson

alexa wants to know what their first date was like

nice, but her dad came too

the crowd are just doing delete chants for some reason

and phil nearly kissed her dad on the first date

i think that reflects more on you, phil

but he was only dating her to get close to tracy

and she's like oh my god i always liked you too and they make out

alexa's like welp this is disgusting um

this is your life?

and now here's bayley

tracy, phil and mrs flapper disappear, these two commence to kicking the crap out of each other

bayley throws a bunch of shit off the table at alexa

she's got a ripped off-the-shoulder top on, just in case you needed a visual representaion of how extreme she's gone

so extreme she's reached the late 90s

crowd chant for the kendo stick, nelecting the fact that there's a bunch of those under the ring

bayley starts to go up the turnbuckle, alexa knocks her down and then like fuck you i just own a kendo stick it's under this table

and smacks bayley with it

end segment after one strike

this match is going to be really short, given how firmly we've established that one kendo stick shot to the back will cause bayley's death

and now we're backstage, where enzo's been assaulted again

cass arrives to check him out, shouts at kurt that it was the revival

kurt's like i saw them left the building and there was no way they could have come back in it's not like doors go both ways

cass pledges to watch over enzo

medics check him over, end thing

and now here's austin

apparently this is a tag match

austin/jack v neville/tjp again?

yup

tjp is now getting announced as the first ever cruiserweight champion

presumably his intro needed padding now he's lost 90% of his name

neville's pyro cannons go off, cole has to ask booker if he's ok

there's a story there

tjp kicks off by having a pose-off with austin, who just goes fuck this and hits him in the head

tag to jack, who gets out of a headlock by walking backwards on his hands and then suplexes tjp with his legs

yknow, like humans do

neville tags in, austin tags in, they face off for a bit and then neville just goes screw that and leaves the ring for the ad break

we come back on neville fucking jack up

apparently the kidneys are a very violent spot

thanks for that pearl of wisdom, book

neville keeps shouting proclamations at austin and making an example of jack

rip the happy english gent

tags tjp, who comes in via a rolling senton over the ropes

he's a twat, but he's a fast twat

of course, as soon as i say that, he settles into the longest rest hold on the show

tjp gets austin to distract the ref and proceeds to claw jack's eyes out

jack goes for the tag, tj grabs him by the hair, so jack just whips round and chins him

dramatic double tag, austin and neville proceed to fuck each other up

i love austin's shin breaker to facebuster combo

just putting that out there

austin sets up for a discus fivearm, tj grabs his leg, tries for a rolling senton, jack grabs *his* leg, austin throws neville at them and does his ugly suicide dive

goes for a top rope dropkick, neville walks out of the way, tries a red arrow, lands facefirst as austin moves, austin hits the last chancery for the tap

faces swagger off, heels sit in the ring like what has happened to the world

actually, looking at the replays, that was a phoenix splash

i thought it seemed less than usual

but in a minute, we get to hear from roman reigns

yaaaaay

and here he is

and mike mcsomeone is in the locker room to ask him about seth

roman does his usual cos i'm the big dog in the yard woof speech, tells mike to fuck off

cut elsewhere to charly grabbing neville to ask about his first ever submission loss, long beat, he screams incoherently and storms off

but now, let's replay the reinvention of goldust

i will never get tired of that

and here's a new shattered dreams film

i love the low frame rate and the weird colour bloom and everything

goldust's angle is the usual i want to be the star thing

and he killed truth for wanting the spotlight to himself

but an ending is coming

and the golden age is back

and now that warps into terrible blaxploitation credits for an r-truth production

listen to that slap bass

and truth gets a monologue about how much he loves shaft, dolemite and pulp fiction

good to know he's not a stereotype or anything

and goldust is apparently going to get got

great

but now we're back in the arena, and it's main event time

well, that or seth's just heard the inside of the ring's nice this time of year

but now, have an advert for sasha being on 205 for some reason

and now here's roman

great

the announce team keep insistently using their epithets, and now i'm wondering whether i would rather actually watch an architect fight a big dog

apparently this is roman reigns vs seth reigns

thanks cole, that's not confusing at all

seth casually does a standing moonsault on roman, we all try and remember whether we knew he could do that

roman retaliates by punching him in the face

we all knew he could do that

does the driveby into the ring post again

still a nice variation on a better signature than he deserves

seth tries a springboard plancha, just kind of slips off the rope and onto roman

they both still sell it to hell and back, because professionalism

i'm not yawning you're yawning

sure, i've had very little sleep, but it's not helping that roman can just suck all the energy out of a room

seth doing that sling blade helped

goes for a falcon arrow, but sells his damaged torso from the driveby

see, kids, this is how we do in-ring narrative

seth springboards off the top rope, roman superman punches him out of the air

kick out at 2, because everyone knows you can't win a match until you'e gone oooooooooo

oh no

he went oooooooo

seth dodge the spear, superkick, nearfall

the announce team need to work out whether that kick was to roman's jaw or the bridge of his nose

they're in different places, last i checked

roman goes for a second rope samoan drop, seth counters it into carrying him across the ring into a turnbuckle powerbomb, and roman superman punches him as he falls

okay, that was a nice sequence

both guys are now lurking around the ring or on the apron, ref can't be bothered to count

seth bullfights roman into the steps, brings him in for a blockbuster, nearfall

seth, have you tried going ooooooooo

goes back up top for a frog splash, nearfall because of his damaged ribs

damn, but seth's good

cole talks about how the universe is showing great respect for both of these wrestlers literally as half the crowd are chanting ROMAN SUCKS

seth goes for a phoenix splash, misses, rolls through, dodges roman's punch, enzuigiri, goes for a kingslayer, roman dodges into a spear, pin

okay, when that match got going, it was bloody good

not as good as the triple threat, but that's to be expected

cole lists all five guys and their finishers, claims seth's is a falcon arrow

i'm p sure that is in no way his finisher

anyway

and we fade on roman doing big dog faces and seth lying on the floor doing architect whoi's been attacked by a big dog faces

or at least, that episode fades

here at WWEm, the stupid heat and humidity have made the doors swell shut again, so i guess we're stuck here for FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

(side note: daniel would like to let it be known that he proposed installing a dumbwaiter for food/water/possible escape in just these circumstances)

(i overruled him, citing cost, planning permission, and my personal desire to wait for the dry season while foraging in amongst the dense furniture forests, as our ancestors once did)

anyway, office politics aside, and ignoring the beseeching eyes and desperate mewling of one assistant producer who shall remain nameless, let's get on with the show

we open with charlotte in her peacock robe, telling us she's genetically superior to everyone

and carmella telling us she's awesome

and nattie doing her family catchphrase

and becky doing some irish jokes

and TAMINA SAYING WORDS HOLY FUCK

ahem

and roll titles

so yeah, that contender's match is tonight

tamina should win, because the thought of jinder mahal and tamina snuka holding the top men's and women's belts on the brand is hilarious to me

but now we're in the ring with kevin, doing the highlight reel

which has always been his show

and anyone thinking different should report to the back of the building for correction

damn, kevin just undermined that joke by talking about chris as the former host

shut up kevin, i'm trying to do a thing

the crowd interrupt with aj styles chants, because sure, why not

so yeah, kevin's here to sway offputtingly and tell us how he's going to win the briefcase

fuck it, pin all the titles on him

charlotte wins the women's belt, kevin powerbombs her into the apron

breezango take the tag belts, kevin beats them to death with each other

you know it makes sense

also in things that don't really make sense, here's his guest, shinsuke nakamura

i must be tired, i seem not to be dancing like a galvanised frog corpse

(which is my Slayer cover band,btw)

(check us out, we're p great)

shinsuke's music fades, kevin's immediately like ok dude i don't give a fuck about this shit

please stop dancing

why are you even here

but most importantly, remember what i did to our last rockstar

so by that logic, shinsuke'll be touring and recording an album in a few weeks

shinsuke gets two words into replying, baron's music drops

rude

baron calls it 'the highlight show'

dude, it's on a fifteen-foot screen right by where you came in

get it right

cues some vt of him trying to murder sami last week

kevin's like dude why the fuck did you interrupt my show for that i've been murdering that twat for fifteen years fuck off away from my show

baron calls him cartman again, lol so edgy

and throws some almost imperceptible shade at shinsuke

shinsuke's just like guys have you forgotten the bit where i totally beat you last week and the bit where sami pinned you twice

this is fair

cue kevin and baron beating the piss out of him

sami appears out of the crowd to break it up

theory: sami isn't a real person, he's a collective thoughtform that manifests from the common people when we need to protest injustice

sami gets a mic, and is just like welp, you guys want a fight and i'm free - shin, you free? - we're both free, so let's do the thing

cut to ads, come back and we're doing the thing

baron tries to headlock shinsuke, he just goat simulators all over him

does good vibrations, we are all forced to take a step back and realise how astronomically high his charisma stat must be to make that move look good

double tag, and we get a weirdly familiar face-off

kevin tags back out, and sami gets a weird amount of offence given that he's barely been hit yet

oh, there it is

kevin got a cheap kick to his head while baron distracted the ref

and now we have the sami getting murdered part

baron counters a tornado ddt attempt into a powerslam

it's p cool

but now we're doing the tiny wrestling and giant terrible american ads thing again

i don't love it

these ad breaks seem so long when they're for shit you don't care about and you're trying to watch the match

oh hey, we're back

just in time for kevin to eat a blue thunder bomb and baron knock shinsuke out of the way of a hot tag

sami goes for the rollup again, nearfall

naturally, this just enrages baron, who proceeds to punch him in the head a bunch

no, you fool

that's exactly what he wants

as evidenced by that big lariat counter he just threw

double tag, this awesome matchup resumes

will this match reenact my favourite moment

i doubt it

sami and baron end up back in the ring, sami whips kevin into baron, they start fighting, baron punches kevin down, sami lariats baron out of the ring, kinshasa to kevin fir the pin

good match, but sad lack of nope

valuable replay highlights of baron being big, angry, and dumb

sami and shinsuke just kind of look at each other, then sami goes and holds the ropes open while shin dances like um dude are you done

end segment, talk about ppvs and shit

and up later, women's 5-way elimination match

but now, the usos walk backstage with belts

film at 11

cut for ads, and here they are

day one remains h

they're here to talk smack at us all, but i can't tell all that well what their problem is because the feed's jumpy as shit

jey mocks the atlanta falcons, jimmy goes "Don't boo us, we didn't play!"

which seems fair

but here come our longest reigning tag champs

and also a trombone

the ice cream cart seems to have disappeared though

take that as you will

the magic of the new day seems to have fixed the feed

hurrah

apparently this is xaiver's home town

so they're fucked

kofi starts monologuing, the usos interrupt them and accidentally start a serious discussion about skipping

usos brag about their belts, big e and xavier start a creepy monologue that i'm assuming is a reference

so jimmy threatens to have them put down

seems reasonable

xavier's like hey we talked to the guy who actually runs this show and we're gonna smash you at mitb

[aggressively vibrates]

and then they lift kofi and present the usos with his crotch as he vibrates madly

what the actual fuck is going on

the usos leave, which seems fair

cuts of aj and dolph, both in new gear, warming up backstage

apparently they're the main event

but up next, we look back at last week's punjbai celebration

what, did we not have enough stuff to actually put in this episode, so now we just have to reuse last week's content with weird colour filters on it?

lots of clips from indian media about jinder taking the belt, which is cool

and cut back to the present

not sure what exactly was the point of that segment

but now for fashion files, noir style!

fashion files: the men who knew too little

cue moody sax and gruff narration by fandango

musing on losing their grasp on the usos

comes upon the fashion police hq ransacked, cue ominous bass and horns

silhouette of a sexy woman

dramatic reveal, it was tyler all along

tyler starts narrating, it's revealed that they are both psychic, so they just start talking instead

they look for clues

and find a bottle of cologne

fandango's tongue identifies ethyl alcohol, tree frog excrement, and hibiscus

can you tell where this is going

tyler accepts a non-existent compliment on his dress

and they go off to chase this lead

but now, women's elimination time

here comes charlotte in her magnificent peacock robe

with her shiny new surname

cut for ads, during which we missed ellsworth coming in

but we get to hear him insult all of georgia and hype his bae

i've just noticed, tamina's tron and entrance chanting makes it look like her name's capitalised TaMiNa like she's from the moon or something

nattie enters, still sparkly as fuck

becky puts her goggles on a girl in the crowd, who just starts straight-up screaming

and brawling begins immediately, before they can ring the bell

not sure why they don't just ring it, given that this is no dq anyway

tamina samoan drops charlotte into quiescence, becky throws carmella into the timekeeper's area and jumps on her from the barricade, tamina starts stripping the announce table, the ref's just stood there like um no stop it guys don't do that please guys um help

charlotte throws tamina into the apron and post, suplexes nattie on the floor, moonsaults them both from the ring post

carmella crossbodies her off the barricade

and then becky exploders her

and then tamina clotheslines her

and then charlotte big boots her

and then nattie discus forearms her

the circle of life

nattie tries to put charlotte through the table, gets whipped into the steps

and then powerbombed through the table

the refs seem to have given up on trying to restore order and are just standing around despairing

but here comes the money to fix things

here comes the moneyyyyyyyyy, dragging a middle-aged man along by his pockets

shane's like well that was cool but do you guys remember how a match works

but let's do a thing instead

women's mitb match

yeeeeeeeah

i mean, i'd heard it on twitter already, but it's pretty awesome

but later tonight, randy responds to jinder existing

great

but up next, breezango vs the colognes

the colóns have a new logo that at a casual glance looks like aleister black's brimstone symbol

huh

breezango enter, still in character as gumshoe and femme fatale

primo and epico are just standing there like the fuck is up with these guys

tyler is trying to work out the logistics of fighting in a dress and long wig

swiftly answered after primo knocks him down and rips them off

tags fandango in, who's still wearing his duster

primo tries to sunset flip him, gets squirted with a water pistol

and tyler produces his to douse epico

the colóns sell it like they've been tased, spill to the outside as we do the advert break but not thing again

during this advert for red lobster, feel free to amuse yourself by thinking about all the ways in which water pistols are not legal in wrestling matches

and we're back

apparently fandango lost his coat at some point

i didn't notice because i was distracted by an advert about a grown woman who somehow doesn't know that soda might be bad for your teeth

fandango's taking a lot of punishment, but tyler got punched off the apron and has apparently glitched through the floor and is now falling endlessly through a featureless void

but hey, here's a janitor to tag in

i am here for tyler breeze, master of disguise all day

primo steals tyler's mop, he and fandango tussle over it, unprettier off the distraction for the pin

i love this ridiculous gimmick

but now, renee has aj in the blue curtain room

apparently aj's going to win money in the bank tonight

that'll be a trick

and now here's dolph to be like hey fuck you dude i'm dolph ziggler, i've been here forever

challenges him here and now, aj threateningly removes his shirt, dolph fucks off

aj gets some home state pops

but next, randy talks

woooooo

feel free to distract yourself by wondering whether that was a sarcastic cheer or just that this building is haunted

so yeah, randy's here and he's got a new hoody and it's got his initials and a snake design on it so daring

starts talking, and i already want to slap him and/or fall asleep

boasts about all the people he and his father have beaten

and how his grandfather would have beaten the shit out of him for losing to jinder

this just in: all our grandparents were probably super racist

randy, please stop hanging all of this on the whole american thing

yes, you are american and your opponent is not

we get it

that is not a reason to be a twat

jinder's music drops, but he's on the tron instead

tight closeup, but i'm p sure he's standing in front of an indian flag

oh yeah, there we go

zoom out to show the belt and the singhs

jinder gives randy crap about living in the past and obsessing over his old achievements

which is fair

the singhs clap awkwardly, zoom back in, end video

randy poses on the turnbuckle, end segment

that was really strange

but now, here's sasha and swann to tell us to watch 205

and next week, we have shinsuke/kevin

should be good

but now for the main event

here comes dolph, in his shiny new jacket

enjoy these recaps from 2012/3 of dolph winning mitb before, just in case you didn't believe us

aj's in new red and black gear, and it looks like he's just trying to be shinsuke

oh, apparently it's an atlanta thing?

yeah, it's falcons colours

see, seamless research break

meanwhile aj dropkicks dolph in the face and gets kicked out of the ring in return

cut for ads, and back on a suuuuuuuuuper tight focus on the case for some reason

and then slowly pan out to show there was a match happening all along

who knew

dolph counters a styles clash into the most blatant dirty pin ever

the ref barely gets through counting one before just going waaaaaaait a second

ushigoroshi for a nearfall, except apparently we're not calling it that any more

aj hits dolph into the turnbuckles with a really uncomfortably close-range exploder

that did not look good

goes for a top rope styles clash, dolph counters to a satellite ddt

this match has only been going for a few minutes, but they are just beating each other to fuck

and they're both just throwing finisher attempts every chance they get

which is honestly kind of cool

narratively different, at least

but still countering them rather than just kicking out, so preserves the finishers

dolph goes for a superplex, aj slides out and smacks dolph's face into the turnbuckle, dolph bullfights aj face-first into the turnbuckle, rolls into a calf crusher, dolph gets out by going for his eyes, zigzag for a nearfall

aj goes for a phenomenal forearm from far too close, dolph pushes him off the ropes, then superkicks him while he's still tangled up in them for the pin

remembers to pull his legs away from the ropes as he pins him, too, which is a welcome touch of logic

and fade on dolph trying to strike a balance between 'yeah i'm the greatest' and 'holy fuck i actually got to win a thing'

and that was smackdown

talking smack will follow with the five women's mitb contenders, but that is left as an exercise for the reader

if you're watching extreme rules on sunday, hmu on twitter @waruce

but now, i'm off to google lists of edible chair fungi

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

1 note · View note

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - ‘Angelic Ascension' to 'Nuclear Hobo’

Transmission date: Monday 22/Tuesday 23 May

It's far too warm to be funny, so here's FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW.

that's what this blog is going to be now, just me stating the facts while being disdainful of this whole 'Sun' bollocks

who thought summer was a good idea

ugh

anyway

wrestling?

yes

wrestling

yestling?

ahem

and we're opening with the advert for the extreme rules five-way

which includes bray promising to kill brock with the spear of destiny, so that pleases me

and just as i type that, wyatt cut through the end of the vid

we're in grand rapids tonight, because nobody in detroit can afford tickets any more

i'm assuming they don't mean the one in minnesota, otherwise that joke doesn't work and i'd have to make up some shit about logging camps and judy garland

but yeah, bray's here to lead a revival

he's going to liberate all us slaves of brock

or the beast here may be metaphorical

because it lives inside us all and keeps our children up at night

but i like to think that's all tiny brocks

bray has straight-up promised to murder brock, crack his ribs and eat his heart

we're straight in at the deep end here

this is seriously full-on revivalist shit

he keeps telling us to stand up, and it makes me want to

this is some lovely crowd work

he's like fuck this five-way i've already sacrificed seth and joe

guess they need to make a new video package

doesn't even need to mention roman's name and the crowd are already on the verge of armed insurrection

like fuck your yard, i own he world

here's roman to take issue

or, as cole puts it, "Here is the keeper of the said yard!"

thank you, master wordsmith

roman and bray are doing some top-shelf glowering across the room at each other

roman comes in like say that to my face you bitch, bray just starts cackling

and then says it to his face

they keep calling each other 'old friend', i'm getting the feeling i should know more classic nxt

roman squares up in bray's grill, cue kurt to intervene

maybe they''re just big x-men fans

now i'm imagining bray as professor x and roman as magneto

it's quite an image

kurt acknowledges that these two are two of the favourites

probably, like top 5

he's just like fuck this showrunning thing, this is a match now, bye

despite the number of times roman's fought bray, he still gets freaked out by the whole hanging backward off the turnbuckle thing

at least corey lampshades that as well

thanks for following my thought processes, graves

bray uranages roman, forgoes pinning him to just go and bite the ropes

he's just taking every opportunity this match to fuck about and laugh at roman

bray does not and has never given a shit

like three minutes into the match, here's joe to pick a fight

at least he hit his music, rather than just turning up like usual

stands there telling bray to get up and fight him, bray's just like um no i'll sit here thanks

so joe coquina clutches roman for the dq

bray tries to join in, gets a clutch of his own, and now here comes seth to slay some kings

or failing that, some large men

bray tries to blindside seth, roman superman punches him

long awkward moment between seth and roman, everyone glares at each other, hit what the fuck music is this

seriously, it sounded like cage the elephant or something

can we fire the sound guy

apparently it's barns courtney

(who's from aylesbury, so that explains a lot)

clearly everyone in the room has realised it's the wrong music but just to finish the segment anyway like it was intentional

gj, guys

announcements for later: finn/anderson, and sheamus/matt, with the winner of the latter picking the stipulation for their extreme rules match

so either matt wins and they do a ladder match because hardyz, matt winds and they have some kind of dilapidated boat mindfuck (i want this), or sheamus wins and is just like fuck it let's have a knife fight (i would also watch this)

oh, apparently that barns courtney song is the theme for extreme rules

so i guess it makes a certain kind of sense

still a weird-ass time to play it, though

anyway, i should probably unpause this and stop writing long-ass comments and looking up aylesburian singer-songwriters

(it doesn't necessarily come across, but i take some serious research breaks on here)

but now, seth and roman are passive-aggressive at each other backstage

kurt shows up like fuck this high school bullshit you're teaming against bray and joe in the main event

they accept this, walk off, elias fucking samson break

kurt like fine you have my attention what the fuck do you want if i give you a match against dean ambrose will you go the hell away

elias responds with some more abstracted strumming, kurt seems to take that as a yes

are we just playing him as mute on this show

that would be kind of great

but now it's cruiserweight time, with tozawa facing ariya daivari, who's accessorised with aviators, chains and possibly the most garish jacket observable by science

just in case you forgot he was the heel

and meanwhile, instead of being on announce like a normal person, brian kendrick is backstage with a big-screen tv, watching the match and occasionally chipping in with comments like a fucking nfl analyst or something

i swear, i'm like fifteen minutes into this weird-ass episode and it's already making me want to tap out to the bugfuck strangeness of it all

i think we're in one of those weeks

jinder mahal beating randy orton for the world title clearly broke all laws of god and man, and now reality is irrevocably shattered and we must get used to the new world we find ourselves facing

sorry you had to learn about it from a wrestling shitpost blog

anyway, back in the match

tozawa is in green and teal shorts, and it doesn't work for him at all

but he's working through this personal obstacle to beat seven kinds of piss out of ariya

cut back to brian, who provides us with his incisive analysis viz. HA chants being dumb

he is wrong

tozawa provides some, then does a top rope back senton for the pin

what was his finisher before?

cos that's a great one

cut back to brian, who's like fuck that imma kill him tomorrow

tozawa shouts in the face of a small child, end segment

next up, dean/elias

but first, charly interviews sasha backstage

she's like foxy ain't shit, alicia and noam turn up to taunt her some

oh wait, it's usually his snap german

fuck

how did i forget that

anyway, diving senton is cool too

but now, elias samson has a song for us about grand rapids

credit to him, he can actually play his guitar and sing and shit

because everyone hates people who can't use their props

but to be fair, everyone also hates elias samson

so *shrug*

dean interrupts the last few bars, corey takes advantage of his mic being back on to be like what has happened to my life

miz and maryse are on announce to tell us how dean ain't shit

maryse badmouths dean for "kicking miz in his no-no land"

meanwhile in the ring, elias is reminding us that he is actually a large impressive man

smacks dean's neck into the ropes, because fuck your head trauma rules

likewise, hangs dean's head off the apron and then does a bunch of knees into it

cut to ads, and elias is choking dean into unconsciousness

would have thought he'd just pin him by now

apparently dean is losing because miz's presence is sapping his power

this information brought to you by the miz

dean's starting to get his zaynwheels spinning, so time for a comeback

wait, shit, were we not meant to call it that any more?

dean goes off the top rope, takes a knee to the face in response

dean takes elias down, miz runs to the ring and kicks elias once for the dq

like fuck you mr ambrose i know how the rules work

truly the most dangerous quality in a wrestler

chasing miz around the ring keeps dean occupied while elias gets back up, and swinging neckbreaker for giggles

up next, bálor/anderson

but first, cass is angry backstage

we pan over to enzo unconscious in the middle of a bunch of weights equipment

and fade on medics trying to wake him up

to an advert for that barns courtney song

we come back, and he's awake

and doesn't rmember who blindsided him

kurt promises to get to the bottom of this, because he seems like a good boss

cass is like well let's see who finds them first

[large new yorker intensifies]

and we're back in the arena, and finn has got this whole appearing in a column of smoke thing down

*does the arms*

i love how he does proper ballroom dance hands when he does the arms

both because it enhances the lines of the pose and because it's kind of adorable

booker makes a comment about how everyone wants a piece of finn, a solid 70% of people watching just joined with me in nodding knowingly

he has a mic

but can't say the word 'fatal'

acknowledges it, the crowd are like fuck it, we love you

and then interrupted mid-speech by...heyman?

with a speech about how not one of the people in the five-way is shit

wait, was this speech meant to be in the opening segment but we replaced it with unexpected blues rock?

paul makes a reference to roman killing taker, the crowd hate him even more

paul finally reaches finn's place in his list

oh, apparently he's not going to trashtalk him

calls him the most talented performer in wwe?

where's the twist coming?

paul saying the word 'extreme' is getting a pop

okay, so apparently finn is his pick to win the five-way

this is odd

but i am intrigued

finn has a message for brock

(spoiler: he ain't shit)

paul just stands there like welp this is super intense

but here are anderson and gallows

oh yeah

remember there was a match happening?

cut for ads, and we come back to finn stomping the shit out of anderson

right up until anderson tries to rip his nose off and gallows gets a cheap shot in

not a bad match, but when have i ever not liked a finn match

these two are just so fluid together

it's almost like they've worked together for years

finn kicks anderson off the turnbuckle, then hits his big apron punt on gallows

anderson goes for a powerbomb, finn does a lovely counter into a standing double stomp and tope

and sling blade, corner dropkick (slightly misjudged), coup de grace for the pin

finn walks up the ramp, someone holds a palestinian flag up on camera

how long till they get disappeared

and corey reminds me why i love him by pronouncing coup de grace properly

another graphic for matt/sheamus, this time with a less broken picture of matt

weird

but now it's sasha/alicia

sasha enters in a double-breasted half-camo waistcoat, and i want to ask her where to buy it

apparently the point of this match is if sasha wins, alicia gets to fuck off

noam distracts sasha by literally going durrrrrrr at her, near-fall

noam is the best armcandy

sasha dodges a scissor kick into her double knees, awkward-ass pin, end

this whole angle has just been really weird

is it done now

noam comes into the ring to shout at sasha

goes for her, gets deathslapped, but alicia's there to blindside sasha with a scissor kick

but now we're backstage again, with kalisto and apollo

kalisto being like the fuck is wrong with you why are you working for dickbag o'douche

and also btw did you attack enzo

apollo denies it, talks about how he's working for titus for his connections

titus appears to be like oh hey you want to join the titus brand awesome

shockingly, kalisto actually doesn't

so titus sets his minion on him for a match later

but next, alexa talks about extremity

after our first ad for mitb

we'll be seeing a lot of those

and now we talk about the demise of the golden truth

booker talks about how being an inscrutable evil isn't like goldust at all

making me question whether he's actually met the man

and now we have a shattered dreams video package, featuring a low framerate goldust doing slam poetry about gold and wearing a suit jacket over his bodysuit

a disembodied hand tries to give him a script, he's like fuck that i'm reasserting creative control

does his oldschool weird breathing, end thing

and now charly has alexa backstage

but mostly to introduce this vt of her beating on bayley last week

in which they cut out the bit where it took alexa three tries to find the kendo stick

but with bonus pictures of the welts on bayley's back

whoever wolf whistled in the crowd, fuck off

alexa's just like heh yeah that was pretty great

and i'm totes gonna do worse at extreme rules

and apparently she's fighting mickie tonight

whom she's also going to murder

and now we talk about roman and braun some more

are we seriously doing the vt of braun getting his elbow fucked again?

apparently we are, yes

with dramatic replays and colour separation and everything

and restating that yes, he will be off for some time

not sure why we needed that segment

but anyway

now it's kalisto/crews

and the editing means we missed the start of kalisto's entrance

boooo

or should i say

beeeeeeoooooo

apparently titus is the most in-demand public speaker in the world today

i think we need a cetacean here

kalisto tries running the ropes, apollo just standing dropkicks him in the face

kalisto gets some offence, tries to run the ropes again, gets stopped with an enzuigiri

dude

stop trying that

apollo goes for a muscle buster, kalisto counters for a near-fall, titus screams at apollo to sic 'em, distracts him enough for a salida del sol

haven't seen that in a while

mostly because kalisto hasn't been allowed to win things

apollo looks stunned and hurt, titus shouts at him, end segment

up next, crazy vs irish

the eternal dilemma

the hardyz are both wearing solid green tonight, and it's an odd choice

matt does his delete arm on the turnbuckle, jeff does a super half-hearted one

now that he's wearing more and his beard's grown, sheamus's entrance has changed from 'angelic ascension' to 'nuclear hobo'

i'm still totally in the kkb corner for this, though

sheamus' strategy for this match appears to just be hitting matt in the face a lot

see how many teeth he can claim

matt chases sheamus out of the ring, is immediately shown why this was a bad plan as sheamus smacks him back-first into the apron

sheamus starts the ten beats of the bodhrán, stops after two when it becomes apparent that the crowd want to count along and just tackles him off the apron into the barricade instead

i love smart heel moves like that

matt mashes sheamus' face into all the turnbuckles, i'm guessing that may have been a thing in tna from the volume of the delete chants

cut to ads as cole tries and fails to say the phrase 'pick the stipulation'

sheamus gets a near-fall off white noise, the crowd think he's an obsolete mule

and jeff distracts him while matt gets a tornado ddt

sheamus gets the offence again, matt hits side effect out of nowhere

does the whole delete setup for a twist of fate, sheamus counters into a big knee to the face, the nearest of falls before matt gets the bottom rope

grand rapids think this is awesome, and they're kind of right

cesaro looms toward the action, jeff takes him out, sheamus kicks jeff in the back, matt takes the distraction for a twist of fate for the win

and now here's charly to ask matt and jeff what the thing will be

ooh, cage match

that is not the way i saw this going

but i could still see that working

and now we get the bit where the announce team recap the opening segment of this episode

go get a drink or something

dramatic advert for the main event, ahppening in like half an hour

cut for ads, and we're back with the cruiserweights

nese/aries, with the goblin king of newcastle lurking in nese's corner

one day my dream will come true of a neville promo where the crowd interrupt after every sentence by shouting PET

until then, i'll just have to do it in my head

apparently the aries/neville title match at extreme rules is going to be a submission match

i mean, they both use submission finishers, so not that strange

austin gets nese in a weird headlock/heelhook thing while staring daggers at neville

neville's procured an office chair to just lurk at ringside because the announce table isn't there any more, and i always find that kind of hilarious

and...cm punk chants?

cmon guys, if chicago could get through like all of takeover and backlash without doing that, you can use some self-control

austin goes for an elbow off the top rope, nese catches him with an elbow to the face in midair

then goes for a vertical suplex, which austin converts into a guillotine choke

nese tries to facebuster him out of it, which just lets austin bounce over into the last chancery for the tap

some lovely transitions there

austin walks off as him and neville glare at each other

and neville smacks nese's face into the canvas and puts him in the rings of saturn because fuck you

austin just kind of golf claps as he keeps walking up the ramp, like nice job that's going very well for you

but now we have alexa/mickie

mickie has redesigned gear that looks even more like off-brand star sapphire cosplay

graphic for the extreme rules women's title match

kendo stick on a pole

christ

mickie gets alexa in a waistlock, alexa makes it to the ropes and tells the ref to get her off, except i totally hear it as just BUGGER OFF

mickie is currently just stomping all over alexa, which is weird

near-fall, only one person does the 2 sweet thing

fair enough, grand rapids, you're let off for doing the cm punk chant

alexa just goes fuck it and punches mickie in the face really hard

and ddt for the pin

has alexa somehow inherited show's magic fist?

and/or jake the snake's ability to get a pin off a straight ddt

alexa lingers at ringside with a face like thunder, and then it only takes her two tries to find the kendo stick

hits mickie once, bayley runs in

knocks alexa down, gets the shinai, looms threateningly while alexa runs away like she does so well

dramatic slow-mo of alexa hitting mickie with the kendo stick, mostly just serving to highlight how badly mickie mistimed selling it

but next it's main event time

after an ad for 205

which we'll wyatt cut through anyway, because bray doesn't give a shit

recap video of bray fucking over everyone around him

i wonder how this tag match will go

seriously, somebody discipline the tech guy

seth's music drops, gets through a few bars before turning into joe's entrance because he's the one who's actually coming in

wrong tron and everything

and *here's* seth

bray's just standing on one turnbuckle grinning at seth and roman as they come in

bray's another one of those solid gold background actors

talking about the contendership match, booker seems convinced it's an elimination match

long awkward start as both seth and roman refuse to get out of the ring

eventually roman does, and seth just explodes on both the heels

goes poorly, as joe distracts him while bray throws him into the barricade

dramatic tag to roman, kicks bray in the face into a samoan drop, grand rapids don't give a shit

bray distracts him with the spiderwalk thing again, joe blindsides him, bray blind-blindsides him

cut backstage to kurt standing off to one side of a television showing the match and watching it in three-quarters profile, like humans do

i'm guessing that's actually a really small room and they couldn't decided on how to make the perspective work

joe does his corner enzuigiri to roman, the announcers freak out like that's even his physics-glitchiest move

bray runs through roman and then takes a moment to hug the ring post

and then puts roman in a chinlock for ages, which would have been boring if bray wasn't doing a whole narrative with his face

naturally,that narrative was dhalgren or some shit, but that's what you get when your stories come from the faces of men possessed by the devil's relatives

bray distracts the ref while joe attacks roman, joe rolls a natural 1 and gets immediately whipped into the barricade and driven-by

(it took me far too long to work out what that past participle should be)

dramatic double tag, seth just unloads on everyone

springboard crossbody, blockbuster, plancha, sling blade, suicide dive

fuck you i'm seth rollins

goes back to the top, bray distracts him long enough for joe to punch him in the head

bray and joe very slowly set up a double superplex

which seth manages to reverse into crossbodying both of them

fair enough

joe fights back, bray goes for sister abigail, roman gets involved and throws bray out, goes for joe who dodges and lets roman superman punch seth

seth shouts at roman like what the fuck dude until bray pulls roman out of the ring and joe coquina clutches seth into unconsciousness

well, that wasn't the ending to the match i saw coming

but is anyone honestly surprised by this

i don't think i've ever correctly called a match in a promotion that exists outside of my head

#extremefantasybooking strikes again

bray and joe square off, and we pan out to kurt watching through non-euclidean geometries

finn turns up to be like the fuck kurt why didn't i get in this

so next week, double main event

finn/bray/joe and seth/roman

and we end on kurt literally saying "Damn, I'm a great GM."

i do love his sheer guilelessness running the show

but yes

that was raw, and it was not shit, which is something of a turn-up

smackdown will follow, after our feature presentation: Six Hours of Sarcastic Cicadas!

---------------------

Okay, so that was more like 23 hours, but I think it was worth playing four times

Such good times

Such memorable quotes

"'Chirp'."

i have ordered merch

I am a newly committed member of the SHoSC fandom

but for another example of things I enjoy, consider exhibit B: SATURDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN!

(yes, i am missing doctor who for this)

let's see how this show goes in this brave new post-jinder world where literally anything could happen

i wonder if he's developed any new magical powers we should be told about, like TELEPORTING OUT OF A FUCKING FRIDGE

we open on a video package of the fans being pissed at jinder becoming champion and a bunch of press outlets being like wut

we're in toledo tonight

where the counterfeit american steel comes from

apparently later jinder holds his 'punjabi celebration'

but first, the announce team are interrupted by the sirens of a police escort to a motorcade

the singhs get out of one humvee and roll out a lovely carpet, jinder gets out of his white maharajamobile to scowl and show off his belt

usa chants, because fucking america

but here comes the money

presumably carried by shane

i wonder if this song is just because shane is always carrying his wallet in that cheap jacket

he's wearing white nikes

the fuck is that, shane

mitb briefcase hanging above the ring already

it's kind of bold to assume nobody will steal it in the next four weeks

i'm betting jinder

shane references jinder, the crowd react like he dropkicked a puppy

apparently randy has "instituted" his rematch clause

at mitb, which is in st louis, so randy's fucked

which i am happy with

but now let's talk about the actual briefcase match

and he's just straight-off introducing us to the participants

five of them this time

first off, here's aj

turns out they do want some, as long as it's some briefcases

and baron

how would you carry that case on a motorbike

now sami, and the image of him skanking with a bright blue briefcase fills me with joy

and dolph, who doesn't give a shit

and here's kevin, after a weirdly long beat

shane's like what is this kill the music kevin you were not invited

but this man is

it's shinsuke, surprising literally nobody

oh, apparently daniel was surprised

he had money on james ellsworth

this is why i never take his betting tips

shinsuke glides past kevin on the ramp like fuck youuuuuuuuu i'm awesome

if you want my call for the briefcase, i'm going baron or sami

but as we know, i may be even worse than daniel when it comes to predicting matches

shinsuke still gets to do his long-ass entrance while the other five guys stand around awkwardly

shane starts talking again, kevin immediately interrupts like excuse me mr commissioner but this is bullshit

dolph, baron and aj lost at backlash, unlike SOMEONE I COULD NAME

starts a promo on shane's weird favouritism giving the lie to smackdown's alleged meritocracy

that, or shane's just jealous of him cos he beat aj

shane reacts like hmmm yes you have some solid points

and puts him in the match?

well that was easy

if you want the match, just shout at shane for like 30 seconds

baron cuts a promo about how everyone else ain't shit, but is sadly betrayed by his mic

aj cuts in to tell us all some more about his house

and an extended three little pigs metaphor

calls kevin eric cartman, the crowd love it

feel like that one's going to stick

calls them all out, but calls shinsuke a rockstar while doing so, and he just smirks like why thank you yes i am

sami starts talking about his climb to glory, baron cuts back across him

with an american football film reference i don't entirely get

sami's like oh ok tell me more about how i KICKED YOU IN THE FACE

kevin tells sami to shut up, dolph tells him to shut up like hey guys remember when i won this briefcase before

do you really need another one, dolph

how many documents do you carry to work with your hoodie and wrist tape

shinsuke takes his mic, lets the crowd stew a bit

as he does so well

then basically introduces himself and says he's going to win, cue the massive pop that he can get off saying literally anything

shane cuts in like right guys let's actually do a show

baron/sami later on, kevin/baron v styles/nakamura for the main event

which should be fucking gold

an aj/shinsuke team sounds just amazing

but now it's women's time

nattie and carmella already in the ring

vs charlotte, who's stolen billie kay's black feather look, and becky

naomi, tamina and ellsworth are also here, because why not have the whole division in one room, it saves us having to do booking

one of the facts in charlotte's sidebar is literally just "The Queen of WWE"

[citation needed]

becky's got a new sleeveless trenchcoat thing that i like a lot

and her hair's calmed down since backlash, so i'm not so intimidated

carmella's still in solid red, which i'm still not convinced by

becky headlocks her, noogies her on top of that because giggles

and we cut this match into a quarter screen to play an advert break

is this how we're doing things now?

seems like

so if you like tiny silent wrestling while adverts happen, do i have the video for you

but to be fair, it's an ad break, so it's just the heels beating on becky

this is really weird and it's super hard to concentrate

and we're back in the room

i don't get it

becky keeps going for the big hot tag, nattie is keeping her off it

until now

charlotte tags in and cleans house

goes to the top rope, tamina tries to knock her off, naomi takes her out

becky tags back in and dropkicks the fuck out of nattie

she tags carmella, who tries to get to james, until naomi takes him out too, disarmher for the win

end thing

and let's have a graphic for jinder's punjabi celebration

but up next, corbin/zayn again

and that is now

and it lasts like 20 seconds before sami gets a rollup pin

outstanding

naturally, baron reacts by beating the piss out of him, but that's kind of an occupational hazard

baron throws him into the timekeeper's area and then just smacks him with a chair

and then resumes the piss-beating among the crowd

throws him headfirst into some stairs, hoists him over his shoulder, then drops him on a barricade

baron's needed some hardcore time lately, so this is good

goes to leave, then decides he'd rather punch him in the head on the barricade a bunch

some refs finally materialise to shout him off

it's like handling a wayward bear

baron corbin is probably more scared of you than you are of him

here comes the stretcher and the deeply questionable medics

and let's just cut straight to a graphic for the main event

idiosyncratic smackdown editing, take a shot

but next, fashion files: the final file?

(god, i hope not)

(but luckily, the standard rule about question marks in headlines applies)

but now let's have recap videos of sami getting turned to paté

and now, aj approaches his old friend shinsuke in the locker room

to be like welcome to my dojo

shinsuke's like i'm working with you tonight but i will cheerfully fuck you over at mitb just sayin and walks off

but now it's fashion files time

*tonk tonk*

they've been called into the commissioner's office

unfortunately, the commissioner in this case is shane, who has no clue what's going on

he's like guys you are not actually cops did you know this

which results in them having an existential crisis

they start giving him all their stuff

shane's like guys sort yourselves out you complete weirdos you have singles matches against the usos

so they take their stuff back, cheer up, and fandango takes one of shane's doughnuts but leaves him with a water pistol

i could type literally anything here and you'd have no reason to doubt it

cut to techs preparing the ring for the punjabi celebration

cut for ads, and now lights are down and we have indian drumming

someone starts singing in punjabi, lights come up, we have like nine guys doing proper indian dancing with staffs and stuff

enter the singhs, with indian-style jericho scarfs and less awful shirts than usual

this is actually pretty cool, because they've all committed to it

the dancers line the ramp as the maharaja enters

he has new graphics, and he's stolen the miz's red carpet thing

finally reaches the ring, and it's decorated with garlands and stuff

dancers surround the ring, still givng it some

jbl is very impressed, which is weird given its non-americanness

but i guess heels gonna heel

after a very long intro, jinder might actually talk

this is like a fucking olympic opening ceremony

jbl's like what the fuck is wrong with all these people booing, and to my shame i agree with him

jinder's just like fuck you all i'm the dude

and also you guys are all super racist

even jinder's throat is currently against him

sunil, samir, someone get him a drink

does a thing about randy being in decline, which is kind of objectively true

and he's like hey guys i know you guys don't like this celebration but guess what i don't give a shit

because i'm here for my people

now let me do a thing in punjabi

he does so

usa chants try and drown him out, because fucking america

he finishes, have some pyro

jesus, that was more pyro than seemed reasonable

fun fact: jinder mahal is canadian

(note: yes, heritage is a thing, but i just find that kind of funny)

here's a hype graphic for the main event, but now, have some more trash jazz in this lana video

still coming soon

and now it's time for tag team but not action

jey/tyler first

day one is still h, apparently

even when it's a singles match, tyler gets the breezango music

tyler has all his stuff in a box still for some reason

tom casually drops a treasure of the sierra madre reference into conversation, retains nerd cred

bell rings, jey takes a mic to talk shit at tyler

so fandango squirts him with a water pistol and tyler gets a distraction pin

and now straight on to fandango/jimmy

tyler puts on a grey wig out of his box, taunts jey with some handcuffs, they run around the ring a few times, fandango pins jimmy off the distraction

the actual fuck just happened

that's not a question, it's a statement

that which just happened was the actual fuck

fandango tries to taunt them, his mic is also dead

so tyler fixes it

they want a title rematch again

fandango threateningly gyrates at them

the usos are like fuck it let's do it live

the ref gets a message from backstage, and the match is official

so yes, now we have a tag title match now

and we're doing the tiny screen/cars 3 trailer thing again

tiny picture of the usos beating on tyler

and we're finally back

yeah, tyler is just getting the piss beaten out of him

but then, it;s an ad break

that's how this works

dramatic double tag, fandango comes in on fire, spin kicks jey in the head like fuck you guys i'm actually a p great wrestler

nearfall off a ddt cmbination, jey goes for a falcon arrow but then just smacks fandango's head into the turnbuckle instead

double superkicks to both of them, jimmy goes for a superfly splash, fandango counters into a nearfall

goes to the top, gets punched in the head

jimmy blind tags in, fandango does the last dance on jey, but then jimmy superfly splashes him for the pin

nice finish

confirmed on reply, that was really nicely coordinated

so the usos retain, and i'm ok with this

but next it's main event time

and i realise i may have earlier said it's kevin/baron

it's not, it's kevin/dolph

but now, shane's on the phone to someone when nattie comes in to badger him for a title shot

until carmella, james and becky come in to tell him why they should have a shot

and tamina like you guys have all fucked up title shots, i haven't

side effect of never getting one

james claims this is because she's secretly in love with him

sure

and here's charlotte to tell everyone how they suck

shane finally cuts through the argument

next week, five-way contendership match for the title at mitb

and who knows, maybe after that this division can support two angles at the same time

advert for the 205 street fight, which i'm looking forward too

and a promo from kendrick and his overactive hands

fuck off, guy behind the announce table with your too sweet sign

back in the ring, we’ve already got three people in

and here's kevin

clearly we didn't have enough time in this show for shinsuke's full entrance twice

kicking off with aj/dolph, because let's save the big pops

weird for aj not to be the big pop on a team

styles/ziggler has just turned into a dropkick contest

double tag, the crowd is hype as fuck

kevin just shouts at aj and shinsuke about how they're both losers

so shinsuke kicks him in the face some

seems fair

goes for a kinshasa, kevin rolls out

cut for ads, come back to shinsuke infuriating kevin with his weird floppy thing

does good vibrations, which pisses kevin off enough to get the offence back

dolph tags in, kicks shinsuke in the knee and scrubs his face on the rope

his two weak spots

dolph does a weird sexual harassment neckbreaker, then into a chickenwing crossface, and it's all a little bit predatory

kevin tags, and as ever, only the heels get to be organised

they're really not putting shinsuke over as hard as i'd expected

but to be fair, i guess with this crowd reaction, he'll be over as fuck whatever happens

he could lose every week for a year and everyone would still think he was awesome

dolph's still wearing his neon design vest, and all i'm getting from it is that mike pence fucked a horse graphic

aj almost tags in, kevin knocks him off the apron and cannonballs shinsuke

cut for ads, and when we come back nakamura is still getting fucked on

kevin tags dolph back in, shouting for him to take his revenge

strike him down, young one

dolph gets punched in the face a bunch and bullfought into the post, shinsuke gets the dramatic tag

so aj punches everyone to death, ushigoroshi for the nearfall

and tom doesn't call it an ushigoroshi, probably cos he can't do it justice

aj sets up a styles clash, kevin distracts him long enough for dolph to hotshot him

kevin tags in, sentons aj on the floor, puts him up on the apron just so he can kick him off again

and then takes a break to taunt nakamura because he can

and throws aj into the ring to apply a master headlock

aj tries to run the ropes on kevin, he counters into a beautiful back body drop

it's like professional vaulting up in here

dolph tags in, weirdly caresses aj before headbutting him

slow-ass superplex setup, aj escapes but dolph catches him before he can tag

so aj just hits a vicious facebuster on him instead

maybe lead with that

and dramatic double tag, after which shinsuke has regained his flow

and proceeds to use his joints to destroy kevin's

nearfall until dolph gets involved

goes for a famouser, shinsuke dodges, goes for kinshasa, kevin interferes, aj peles him out of the ring, goes for a styles clash, dolph superkicks him out, shinsuke hits kinshasa on kevin for the pin

proper chaotic tag finish there

shinsuke dances around the ring while aj stands on the turnbuckle like dude we get it calm down

kid in the crowd with a violin, i love you

aj and shinsuke pose at each other some more, focus on the briefcase, end

no advert for talking smack, so i have no idea what that'll be about

and nor do you, because i haven't told you

unless you've already heard, what with it being like four days ago

*shakes fist at the spacetime continuum*

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - The War of Hardy's Incisor

Transmission date: Monday 15/Tuesday 16 May 2017

Walking up to the club like what up I got a haunted tractor and it's running away backwards, it's THURSDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

cold open on a dramatic recap of the ongoing saga of big angry man vs ambulance

and by 'dramatic', i mean 'really fucking long'

it's only just occurred to me from seeing them in the title sequence, but i'm astonished they haven't made more of all of the shield being on the same show yet

like, i'm all for delaying gratification, but wwe isn't usually

we're in newark, and i have nothing interesting to say about that

and tonight we have dean/miz for the belt

but first, let's have a kurt

thousands of fans chant YOU SUCK with all the love in the world

sport is weird

kurt's here to talk about the braun situation

apparently he shattered his elbow, and could be out for six months

newark are not impressed, and neither am i

oh, and apparently that's legit

booooooo

so at extreme rules, they're having a fatal five-way for the contendership that apparently braun had

for the universal belt, that is

seth/joe/finn/roman/bray

newark want it to be finn or bray

and also for roman to go fuck himself

and that's a five-way extreme rules match

so that should be pleasingly mental

kurt tries to leave, enter said self-fucker to argue with him

roman has decided that he's number one contender because he beat taker and braun, neither of whom were at all connected with the belt last i checked

one uninspiring promo later, here's finn to improve the conversation

with things like a real case for the belt and actual charisma and shit

cheers for walking through frame halfway through that promo, kurt

roman claims that finn doesn't have the killer instinct to beat brock

cue derisive laughter

so finn brings up the fact that he totally beat roman his first night on raw

ooooooh

WOMP WOMP WOMP

joe's here to be like i could fucking kill all of you

which is fair

the only problem there being that bray could still win after joe killing him

as soon as i type that, wyatt cut through joe's promo as he teleports into the ring

seth cuts in a couple of seconds into bray's promo, because he's a don't-give-a-shit kind of babyface

he's like fuck all this talking i'm here to fight joe

so he does so

bray takes out finn, and he just lies there while we have joe/seth and bray/roman

seth takes joe's knee out and he runs away like a bitch, bray takes seth down, roman takes bray down, finn gets up and proceeds to murder everyone available

and then threateningly squat in the ring as his music plays

but now, here are the hardyz backstage

jeff's fighting sheamus next

but first, seth, finn and roman shout at each other backstage

until kurt comes in to be like come one guys i'll put you in matches if that'll stop you hate-pissing all over this arena

so later we have seth/bray (apparently the first time ever) and roman/finn

but now, the hardyz are here

jeff runs up and down the ramp high fiving everybody within reach

it felt like that would have been the point for the hardyz to talk, but apparently not

i do feel like they're giving matt the mic as little as possible because who knows what the fuck he'll do

let's have another recap of sheamus kicking jeff's tooth out, because that's what this feud has become about

The War of Hardy's Incisor

jeff's gear now has weird translucent leopard print on the outside halves of the sleeves

odd choice

bell rings, violence immediately hits seventh gear

sure, he's older than he used to be, but jeff is still really fast and doesn't give even 12% of a fuck

double leg drop to the balls, which you can apparently get away with if your name is jeff hardy

meanwhile, matt's hyping the crowd, a process which is mostly accomplished by him being present and occasionally raising his arms

sheamus rolls backwards up the turnbuckle to the top rope, which is actually really impressive for a guy that big

cesaro tries to interfere, matt pushes him away, sheamus hits matt with two brogues, but jeff hits a twist of fate and a swanton bomb off the distraction for the pin

p sure it was only meant to be one brogue, but matt just didn't bump for some reason

booker calls jeff's swanton a 'coup d'état'

i would mind this less if the correct phrase wasn't the actual name of a finisher on this fucking show

but now we have sasha/alicia again, after the weird-ass pin last week

and noam's here to lurk in his girlfriend's corner

sasha has apparently been watching the jeff/sheamus situation, knees alicia in the face even harder like fuck you with your only knocking one tooth out

alicia drops a northern lights for no particular reason again

does she even have a finisher any more

wikipedia tells me it's a scissor kick

and the moment i read that, she hits it and pins sasha clean

huh

not what i saw coming

noam runs in to carry her on his shoulders in celebration, and end segment

not sure what was going on with all that

but up next, we have that ic title match

which isn't the main event for some reason?

have raw borrowed smackdown's editors for this episode or something

but here are miz and maryse, and they've got the wrestlemania jackets again fucking yes

and dean's splashed out for a new merch vest

make an effort, dean

corey claims miz's mindset is 'take what you can, give nothing back'

isn't that fucking pirates of the caribbean?

we're not saying miz is a pirate, but he's totally a fucking pirate

apparently miz threw dean into the ring steps during the ad break

that seems like the kind of story beat that should have actually made the show

maryse is doing some outstanding ringside predatory glaring here

is she just incarnating steph, since she's not on the show

dean lands a suicide dive that seemed to consist mostly of pushing miz out of the way and hitting the barricade headfirst

maybe don't do that

dean does a la magistra cradle for a near-fall like fuck you all i'm not just idiot dives i can do technical wrestling

dean counters miz off the top rope, aided by the fact that that jump was never going to be anything even if it had landed

counter to dirty deeds counter to skull-crushing finale counter to small package near-fall

this is a really good match

speaking of stiff head kicks, that...was not what that was

vicious kick to the air in the vague neighbourhood of dean's face

skull-crushing finale, dean kicks out

probably would have been better if he'd countered it, but whatever

clearly this is just me

dean prepares for an elbow drop to the outside, miz acquires his usual meatshield

who then just moves, allowing dean to land it

maryse distracts the ref, miz goes for a dick punch, dean counters it and kicks miz in the crotch for the dq

miz lies on the floor like aaaaagh my groin, dean stands in the ring mugging at the crowd like welp what was i supposed to do

and now charly talks to finn about how great his life is with his documentary and contendership match and opportunity to kick roman’s face in tonight

he's just like yeah i know i'm awesome and walks off

but now, here's alexa

fan goes for a high five as she walks down the ramp, her expression is, as ever, priceless

recap of her title win at payback, sponsored by just for men moustache and beard

does anyone else see the issue here

cut back to the ring, alexa's trying to come up with a catchy slogan for newark

settles on 'the sweat gland of america'

i've just noticed how comically oversized that belt looks on her

crowd starts shouting at her, she comes back with if you're a failure say what, crowd bites

casually takes credit for the winner of miss usa, at which point bayley cuts in

like, you can be a bitch, but the integrity of beauty pageants is inviolable

bayley's here to be like okay yeah you've won a ton of things but have you maybe considered not being such a twat

and she's here to invoke her rematch clause at extreme rules

alexa's like do you really want to take me on when the rules aren't there to protect you

condescends frantically

so bayley just coldcocks her and dropkicks her in the face

seems perhaps excessive

alexa facebusters her on the ropes, then goes for a kendo stick

i am in favour of this

when did we even last have a proper women's hardcore match

one back shot with the shinai later, bayley ends up on the floor like aaaaagh thou hast slain me

but up next, cruiserweight tag time

after another advert for the finn documentary

still wince whenever i see that clip of him knocking his shoulder out and back in

we come back on kurt on the phone to somebody, when miz and maryse come in to rant about him getting kicked in the crotch

kurt's like yeah fine valid point stop fucking shouting at me

and miz demands a match with no champion's advantage, which kurt gives him because everybody knows dean can be a dick when he wants to

maryse still isn't happy, goes into an amazingly flowery québécois rant which i caught like 40% of, kurt replies in terrible schoolboy french, and enter elias fucking samson

kurt just looks at him like the fuck has happened to my life, he strums and walks off

cut back to the arena, where corey puts forward the entirely plausible argument that samson is stalking him

but now it's cruisertime, with neville and tjp vs austin and jack

the real question is has jack been giving austin more pint-downing instruction

because he needed it

bell rings with neville and austin in, neville just gives him this beautifully disdainful look and tags his apprentice

jack straight-up throws austin at neville and tjp, because he is still way stronger than he looks

neville tosses austin out of the ring, then distracts the ref while tjp beats him into the barricade

because, as ever, organisation is evil

speaking of organisation, the crowd are unanimously shouting something, but i have no fucking clue what it is

austin gets caught on the ropes by tj, then rolls forward over him and tangoes him from behind

the man has some interesting transitions

jack sets up his dropkick, neville comes in to get in the way, austin comes in to fight him, tjp chop blocks austin in his bad knee

austin takes out neville, jack chins tjp and sets up for another dropkick, neville grabs his leg, takes a discus fivearm on the outside, but jack eats a detonation kick for the pin

neville and tjp swagger backwards up the ramp like we're awesome fuck you

but now the announcers tell us how much good stuff there is on the network this week

(it's a lot)

roman/finn up next, which is apparently half of a double main event

so we're having seth/bray as our actual main event

but now, in the trainer's room, a medic puts a shoulder brace on bayley

kurt comes in like hey how you doing that looked painful

promises to make their match at extreme rules a regular match

bayley's like fuck that i want a chance to hurt her back

so kurt makes it a kendo stick on a pole match

is it 2003

oh look, here's goldust

that was fucking perfect

truth is here to apologise for costing them the match last week

so goldust gives him a motivational speech

apparently they're fighting gallows and anderson tonight

rip

but yes, now it's finn/roman

*does the arms*

the back of his jacket still has the old balor club logo on it

gallows and anderson's lawyers will be in touch

cut from finn's entrance to another recap slideshow of braun

seriously, this is some top-grade blue brand editing

if he's out for six months, he's going to be over as fuck when he comes back at survivor series

did we really need that dramatic multi-angle playback of braun getting his elbow broken?

bell rings, roman runs finn into the corner and then tosses him halfway across the ring, finn just gets up and looks at him like ok what's your point

apparently the most important thing about finn is that he's special

bold claim, booker

care to elaborate?

thought not

roman is wearing just a comical amount of bandages and tape on that bad shoulder

finn bullfights him into the post shoulder-first at a hundred miles an hour, he bumps so hard he flies though the ropes and lands outside the ring, finn follows up with a punt to the face and a double stomp from the apron

yeesh

i really hope that shoulder injury's mostly worked, because otherwise that was dumb as fuck

cut to ads, cut back to them still outside, somehow not dq'd, and roman pickin finn up and running the length of the ring to slam him into the post

and then putting him onto the apron and running all the way along the ring to driveby him into the post

that's a nice twist on a signature move

finn comes back, goes for a sling blade, roman counters it beautifully into a spinout powerbomb in a sequence that impressed me far more than is probably warranted

roman goes for a superman punch, finn kicks him out of the air

roman goes for another powerbomb, finn counters out into a lovely jumping double stomp on his chest

sling blade, eliciting the usual pop from me, goes for the corner dropkick, roman counters with a superman punch, near-fall

they are both looking absolutely destroyed by now

roman goe for a spear, finn knees him in the face, sling blade #2 into the corner dropkick

tortuous climb to the top rope for the coup de grace, roman knocks his leg away to crotch him on the turnbuckle, spear for the pin

that was honestly the most i've ever enjoyed a match where roman won

genuinely a really good match

but then, finn could wrestle a potato and i'd watch the fuck out of it

midway through corey talking about how good that was, lights drop and we go to bray doing a sermon about how brock ain't shit

was there meant to be a wyatt cut there?

apparently he's going to kill brock with the spear of destiny

wait, is brock jesus now?

he's also here to address seth like oh hey you're a kingslayer that's cute if only i was just a king

blows lantern out, cut to ads

and we come back on charly interviewing seth for any opinion on that

seth's like yeahhhhhhhh fuck that noise

claims his knee almost fell off his body

interested to know how that works

but now we have the golden truth and their mistimed karaoke subtitles

and nobody told the subtitle guy they weren't doing the second verse

truth does his introductory cheap pop, goldust lariats his head off his body, which eagle-eyed viewers will notice i fucking called

half a dozen people in the front of the crowd clearly dislike truth, start a thank you goldust chant

wow, he is just beating the shit out of him

threw truth clean from the ring into the barricade, which is just impressive any way you slice it

the announcers are all like what's happening with goldust he's such a lovely fun guy this is so unlike him

like dude

did you not follow most of his career

crouches over truth, intones 'that's what's up', poses, end segment

i am so up for goldust having a solo run and not being tied to bullshit comedy skits any more

and now...we have an advert for injustice 2

which looks sick as hell, but i was not expecting to see here

with follow me into the jungle over it, because we haven't heard that in enough adverts on the network

back in the ring, we have enzo and cass

who are from new jersey, so probably fucked

corey is excited because there must be some outstanding warrants on enzo so with any luck he'll never see him again

but naturally, the homeground thing means enzo gets mic time

or at least, he was doing that

until titus turns up to do his own version of enzo's intro

accompanied by apollo, who's like jesus dude do you have to do this i am very uncomfortable

titus is the weird uncle who brings you to the cool parties but you want to disassociate yourself with as miuch as possible

tituts plugs his ted talk, promises that his boy's going to fuck enzo up

cass is like um did you read the card this match is me and you

titus comes back like um no this suit is far too nice

cass is like yes that suit is nice still gonna kill you

bell rings

titus kicks cass into the corner, takes a break to take off his apparently $3100 suit

or at least the jacket

takes off his belt, threatens cass with it, enzo shouts at him, cass kicks him in the face for the pin

so yeah

that happened

apollo comes into the ring to help out his embarrassing coach, while enzo steals titus's phone and does a selfie with apollo and titus

so apollo dropkicks him in the head

seems perhaps excessive, but i think most of us would take that opportunity

but up next, seth/bray

after an advert for 205, and neville comes into the locker room to congratulate tjp

tjp's like okay yeah i was pretty boss can i have my title shot yet

neville's like patience young one

we will finish destroying austin's knee on 205, and then we can talk about that

but enough of that, now we have main event #3 now

yeah, it's only technically #2, but that ic title match was a main event by any real metric

cole thanks the fans in every country the european tour went to individually, which is a nice touch

and corey immediately calls him out for missing denmark

moment's gone

if the finn/roman match was one of the main events tonight and was as good as it was despite involving roman reigns, i am pumped as fuck for this one

and not just because bray is wearing a shirt i own

seth drags bray out of the corner by his beard, because he is the shitheeliest of babyfaces

and then throws him out of the ring, suicide dives on him, and goes for a crossbody off the barricade

bray catches him into an uranage onto the barricade

we are just pulling it all out immediately

bray pulls seth half off the top turnbuckle, then turns that into a nasty draping neckbreaker

and then puts him back up there for a superplex

with the amount of quality offence bray's getting in, he's probably fucked

or maybe that's just me going on the fact that bray doesn't get to win things

bray goes for another uranage, seth counters into another suicide dive, bray just punches him in the head as it comes out of the ropes

goes for seth back in the ring, seth counters into a blockbuster and a sling blade

i am kind of struggling to keep up

seth throws bray outside, dropkicks him through the ropes, and then hits yet another suicide dive

seth enzuigiris bray, sets up for another one, and bray just whips round at the last second and clotheslines him like a truck

seth tries to come back, counter into another uranage

goes for sister abigail, seth counters into a small package and a falcon arrow

see, this is how you preserve a finisher

lots of signatures, lots of finisher counters, no finisher kickouts

seth goes up top, bray rolls out of the ring, seth crossbodies him anyway, and here comes joe to punch seth for the dq

speaking of things i totally called

joe beats seth into a coma, bray turns up, they face off briefly, then both just kick the shit out of seth

right up until bray hits sister abigail on joe because what the fuck did you expect never trust a man who has proclaimed himself a god to honour your alliance

bray picks up seth, sister abigail, kneels over his fallen foes, follow the buzzards, wyatt cut, end

right, i'm still ill, so i'm off to make some offerings to my shrine to the devil, his sister/daughter, and his earthly incarnation

smackdown will happen sooner or later, depending on whether bloody belphegor is on the helpline again

stupid hell bureaucracy

-----------------------

protip: if the only way you can communicate to human ears is by modulating the piercing buzz of a roiling swarm of hornets, maybe don't man the fucking phones

sigh

well, now that that's over (i am feeling much better though, thanks, powers of darkness), who wants some FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN?

(hopefully you, cos you're getting it)

no cold open for once, but we do start with somebody's music accidentally playing over the intro

oh right, yeah, it was kevin's

and now we're having it for real, because he's here

to do his own version of the highlight reel

sadly, he's not just doing the entire segment in french

he should so do that some time

kevin is here to do the highlight reel because apparently chris will NEVER EVER EVERRRRRRRR be seen again

let's have a recap of kevin murdering him

i had forgotten quite how brutal it was

kevin, stop swaying as you do this promo

it's really offputting

kevin's going to introduce his guest for the evening in french for shits

but aj enters halfway through that, because he don't want none of that french

aj is generally skeeved out by kevin stealing chris' life

kevin's like fuck off i didn't invite you do you not speak french or something

aj's like nope, gets a pop for that because speaking different languages is evil

aj promises to bring the belt back to the good old us of a

if he promises to make it great again, i'm turning this off

he challenges kevin right now, but here's jinder to offer an opinion

apparently he was meant to be the guest

he cues a recap of him stealing a win last week

jinder, you have weird pecs

and now i can't stop looking at them

it's like your chest is a weimaraner or something

jinder quotes gandhi in punjabi, the crowd are unsure how to take that

gandhi good, other languages bad, gandhi in other languages ?????

kevin's just like welp aj looks like you're gonna get fucked over twice this week

aj goes for him, kevin runs, aj invites jinder to his highlight reel

which, as it turns out after the ad break, is just a match

but with kevin on announce, so that's exciting at least

is there someone different on the announce team tonight, or does byron just have a cold or something?

but meanwhile, this match is good

jinder has improved so much just recently

i am so looking forward to the 3mb badass reunion in like a year

at ringside, the singhs are wearing the same shirt this week, so i have even less chance than normal to remember which is which

weirdly for a styles match, most of this so far is just a straight striking fight

singhs make a distraction, jinder hotshots aj and takes him down into a kind of quarter crab crossface thing

a very 'this is a submission hold, take our word for it' kind of hold

honestly, kevin's lacking a bit of his usual fire on announce

lovely sequence from aj there

doing the universal, drops down into a chop block on jinder's leg, springboards into a forearm drop

jbl likens jinder to leicester city

seriously, the london show was the one time he didn't talk about european sport

ushigoroshi (which doesn't sound nearly as good any more) into a baseball slide because aj won't take your shit

sunil distracts the ref, kevin hits aj in the knee with the belt, khalass for the pin

tom really needs to learn that the language is called punjabi

punjab is a place

but moving on, apparently we have randy vs baron later

what the fuck did we do to deserve this

okay, i may have badmouthed belphegor on this blog

fair point

but up next, we have a contract signing for the women's tag match

after an advert for takeover chicago

which is gonna be so good

and a lanesque video

two bits of music i like there, but in very different ways

now i'm imagining fozzy playing this trash jazz

and another fashion files video

i am not ready for this

fashion files: fashionable intent

pan across their pinboard of why all the other tag teams ain't shit

and also shinsuke

tyler comes in seamlessly disguised as a janitor, fandango can't say 'reconnaissance'

and he has evidence of the bad merch of baron, sami, and the usos

and then starts having a freakout about how beautiful the usos' hair is

fandango breaks him out of it

"You're in too deep, man!"

after examining the usos' DAY ONE ISH shirts, they plan to defeat them at backlash, and "Then OUR day one will be H!"

best joke in the wwe in a long time

go for a high five, then dramatically freeze frame for an uncomfortable length of time

these videos are fucking gold

but next, they're fighting the colóns

wait, what happened with the contract signing?

but anyway

renee captures randy backstage to ask him whether he thinks jinder is shit

(spoiler: he ain't)

seriously, whoever puts this show together needs a refresher on the meaning of 'next'

so yes, now we have breezango going over the colóns

match starts during the ad break because fuck you

byron compares breezango to the apa, it doesn't go over well with the rest of the panel

dear jbl: 'colón' has two syllables, please stop calling them the clones

tyler gets beaten all over the ring by primo, counters out with what's basically a beauty shot, but i guess that's not their tag finisher any more so it doesn't count

and then clearly shouts AH SHIT as he gets tossed out of the ring

and meanwhile, fandango falcon arrows epico for the pin

and here are the usos to talk shit

extended prison metaphor and all the thug vocab we could put in this while keeping it pg

do you get where we're going with this gimmick

they read them their thug rights, which boil down to you have the right to get fucked by us because we're gangster

they are doing their best talking ever atm

here come the face half of the women's division

after a uk special advert, because that's totally happening in the future i wonder how those marquee matches will go

still gonna be good, though

back to the ring, and here's a shane

who gets closer to that steve buscemi fellow teenagers gif every day

he just wants you to know how achingly cool and not middle-aged he is

with his chucks and his v-neck tshirt

he's here to tell us how great smackdown is, and specifically its women's division

which is a little weird given that their are only half a dozen of them, and they're all in the same match

here come the welcoming committee to smug all over us

or just to loom, in the case of one of them

and also james, because of course he's here

and shane introduces the faces individually

charlotte flair, who now has her full name on her tron

shane introduces becky, says 'pure straight fire', has never sounded so old

naomi comes in with a new shirt with her name on the front in flourescent, so that works

nattie calls the faces BFFs

somebody remembers old nxt

and she's just like you do realise we've beaten you every time we've had the opportunity right

and signs the contract

aww, i was waiting for james to try and sign it

becky promises to slap all their faces off

not paraphrasing

and signs

naomi insults everybody's hair, calls ellsworth a girl, lol so edgy

and charlotte's just like you do realise how utterly pathetic you all are, right

and btw after we win i'm going for that belt you are not actually my friends

shane starts declaring the match official, james interrupts for...some reason

shane is just like wut

apparently james is convinced becky's in love with him

and also charlotte

he's here to let them down easy

and also just tell naomi she ain't shit

she goes for him, shane holds her back, james disappears entirely

so shane's like fuck it you want a fight let's have a fight carmella/naomi someone do the thing

but first, enjoy this advert for backlash

and we're back in

tom introduces the match while sounding absolutely shocked that a contract signing would turn into a match

who could ever be so unprofessional

gasp

naomi is just maximum aggression and trying to wreck carmella's hair

that is a weird fixation of hers

and carmella is doing basically nothing, which is also weird given how good she can be

naomi goes for a dropkick, ellsworth pulls carmella out of the ring (which mostly just dropped her on her face), and the ref ejects him

carmella fakes trying to escape, does a lovely superkick on naomi

i get how the narrative works, but i still think it's funny that carmella only gets her offense phase in when ellsworth leaves the room

have they considered that he might be carrying a curse

no matter how often she does it, naomi's roundhouse kick over the ropes is always impressive

naomi goes up top, tamina looms at her, the ref says okay fuck this noise and ejects the whole committee

but instead they start brawling with the faces outside

and carmella gets a rollup off the distraction

her pins are even cheaper than she looks

heels are smug, end segment, let us tell you how you should get the network

a reminder that we're getting saddled with randy/baron later

but now a motivational video from the new day

promising to make wwe great again

they can get away with that

and now dolph does a piece to camera in a locker room for some reason

talking about doing his research into how good shinsuke is

proposes to show us a vt of all the impressive things he's done here

couple of bars of his intro, test card

so he's like oh yeah he hasn't done shit enjoy this package of all the cool shit *i've* done here

dolph wants to beat nakamura and spit in all of our faces

slow down a bit there, champ

but now, dasha interviews sami

to announce that he's requested a match with baron at backlash

for vague reasons

apparently baron has been targeting him throughout

which...i'm not convinced is true

rants about baron a bit, gets totally unexpectedly blindsided, dasha evaporates

baron promises to kill sami if he turns up on sunday

but now it's our main event time

which is *sigh* orton/corbin

i'm really trying to give a shit, but i can simply find no shits to give

i checked down the back of the sofa and everything

on which note, i guess i can give six ants and a fruit pastille about this match

i swear, randy's entrance gets longer and duller every time

but now, enjoy this advert for how much charity shit wwe does please love us

apparently talking smack has naomi, becky, charlotte, jinder and the singhs, and...erick rowan?

that should be interesting

and here's tjp to smug us into watching 205

come back to the ring, randy is still hearing voices

this fucking song is going to be stuck in my head for ages

finally, here comes baron to replace it with some less catchy bad music

i tell you, this baron corbyn couldn't be more different from his dad

jbl, stop saying it only takes one rko

it's just factually untrue

well, this match is every inch as dull as expected

let's liven it up with this ad for backlash and video package about shinsuke/dolph

but now we're back to the match

booooooo

baron kicks randy in his knees and elbows, randy has this tortured expression like alas why would anybody do such a thing

apparently he's been joining jbl in not paying attention to his matches

baron takes a moment mid-offence to elucidate that he's only hurting randy because the crowd like him

clearly baron is a bitter, bitter man

goes for an end of days, counter, bullfought into the post

randy starts his finishing sequence, lariat, lariat, powerslam, baron tries to escape, draping ddt, pose for cameras

strikes up the snake

goes for the rko, baron's just like um no, pushes him away, and then counters into deep six

which remains the best thing about baron corbin

scuffle, baron leaves the ring, comes back in and eats an rko for the pin

yep, that was certainly a thing that happened

oh hey, here comes jinder

in a completely unforeseen turn of events

to promise to destroy randy and take his bling

and while he intones this, the singhs blindisde randy

it goes poorly for them

goes for a double draping ddt, jinder gets involved

the singhs hold randy down while jinder kicks him, and then a khalass

and jinder poses with the belt he keeps stealing

and we fade on the three of them being like we stole this dude's belt fuck the police

with the khalass, did they just pick the finisher that'd be the easiest to counter into an rko?

because it's basically the same stance

anyway

that was smackdown, it was a bit shit but that's pre-ppv shows for you

hopefully get this up before tonight's uk championship show, and i'll be live on twitter @waruce for that, takeover, and backlash

so much wrestles

times are good

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

1 note · View note

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Mr Harper And His Amazing Magnified Wood

Transmission date: Monday 8/Tuesday 9 May 2017

Probably weirdly similar to last night's Eurovision, it's SUNDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

cold open on dean walking backstage and getting a call

it's kurt

and dean makes an implied joke about sending him porn

naturally

kurt tells him something, he starts offering unsolicited advice, kurt hangs up

dean apparently has an announcement, goes to the ring

oh jesus, this is the london episode

should be interesting

booker's still here, more's the pity

dean opens with a bad cockney accent, the crowd love him for some reason

announces that kurt isn't here tonight

so he's named dean acting GM

this is a totally sensible move that can have no possible ill effects

starts talking about how much he hates talking, miz interrupts

which seems fair

his future monk robe has got retooled a bit, looks slightly less dumb

but he's still standing next to his phenomenally-dressed wife, so it's hard to tell

miz is here to complain about dean being in any position of power ever

dean tries to give miz a match, he interrupts by saying he's had a call from steph

london crowd respond with delete chants for some reason

and steph has named miz co-acting GM

such a job title

to make sure dean doesn't leave the show in a skip in greenwich

dean's like yeah whatever i'm still gonna murder your ass at extreme rules

miz manages an aggressive counter-promo about how great he is while hiding behind his wife

dean offers a magnanimous handshake, whBRRRAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH

with his arm in a sling

i really hope this injury is a work

it feels like it

dean and miz are both like ummmmmm ok

british crowd love them some braun

braun doesn't give a fuck who's GM

you'd think he would, if only to keep track of who he needs to intimidate

braun isn't finished because roman is still walking/alive

and after him, he wants brock

now that'll be a hell of a match

and braun gets interrupted by...?

oh, that's kalisto's new music

he's back, still in his cool new moulded gear

kalisto still has beef with braun after the dumpster debacle

which is totally the terrible sequel to the final deletion

kalisto wants one of the gms to give him a match with braun

it won't end well

braun rashly says he could beat kalisto with one arm, dean's like fuck it sounds good

so yeah, this shoulder injury's a work

"So TONIGHT, it'll be the mountain of a man Braun Strowman, versus Kalisto, the world's greatest tiny little man!"

Like, I like his wrestling well enough, but dean needs to be on the mic like all the time

braun's like well fuck

guess that was probably my own fault

but i'm still gonna murder everyone here

miz's like grats dean you've killed a small mexican are we making this into czw or something

dean responds like ooh good idea, but first up you're fighting finn

have fun

this is what miz gets when he comes to a promo wearing his ring gear

fifteen minutes in, cole adds his first extraneous 'the' to tower bridge

so yes, here is everyone's favourite possessed irishman

at least, according to possessed irishman quarterly

i should really sort out my subscription list

*does the arms*

crowd loves finn, you can barely tell because the crowd acoustics in the o2 are for shite

corey's like sure i'm the heel announcer but fuck me finn's amazing

bell rings, miz leaves

if you needed me to tell you that

fuck's sake, london, don't do the 2 sweet thing

you're more creative than that

this match is like 93% finn dropkicking miz to death

and 7% miz running away

with trace elements of maryse being a distraction

miz tries for a finale, preceded by his old superhero poses

although to the average current viewer, it probably just looks like he's stealing noam's shit as well

miz's strategy in his offense phases so far seems to be actively trying to rip finn's head off his body

unconscious pele kick, both go down

giving the crowd a chance to remind us why we hate the number ten

we watch the london episodes for interesting new chants, guys

finn kicks miz off the to rope, he takes the softest bump ever to the floor, finn does a crap baseball slide, we are all saddened

finn brings it back by doing his running headpunt again

miz throws finn into the ref, gets a mic to call for the dq in his capacity as co-acting-general-manager-type-situation

they go with it, miz leaves in triumph while looking like a twat

dean walks out like what the fuck is a disqualification start the match again get that woman out of here

miz comes up the ramp to complain, bell rings again, finn rockets up the ramp to take him out

throws him into the ring, sling blade, coup de grace, end

and this is what happens when you entrust your flagship show to two men who both hate each other and are also different kinds of shitheel

but now, alexa gets cornered by nia backstage

nia wants to know why she was the only one alexa didn't insult last week

alexa's like oh hey nia i get that you're awesome

nia's like if i'm so great give me a title shot after bayley

alexa says she doesn't make the matches

nia responds with "Well then, until we sort this out, looks like you've got a new best friend."

slaps her on the back, leaves, alexa is left looking equal parts smug and terrified

and now we're back in the ring, and here comes alexa

flanked by the large samoan woman who's on this show

okay, shut up, she's from hawai'i

but she's an anoa'i, so that totally fucking counts

mickie turns up looking smug, bayley's music hits

so it looks like mickie's got a friend as well

i think in both these partnerships, the woman in the ring should probably be the one on the outside running hype

can you imagine bayley/nia, with alexa and mickie only there to talk smack?

alexa hides behind the referee because she comes up to his thighs

gets kicked in the face anyway

london crowd take a break from singing hey bayley to sing mickey, for reasons that we totally cannot fathom it's not like it sounds like anything else get out of my office

mickie does a rana, it looks really strange thanks to the combination of her legs for miles and alexa's entire body for yards

also, note that alexa is back to being toni stark

this is a good match, the crowd are far more interested in the fact that bayley's in the room

mickie heads to the top rope, nia grabs her leg long enough for alexa to punch her in the face

bayley goes for nia at ringside, alexa gets the dirty pin, end

well, end the match

alexa runs away, bayley pursues

leaving nia here with an injured mickie

massive corner splash, elbow drop, walk off because this bitch ain't worth my time

but now, dean is backstage with a production assistant

miz turns up like what the fuck is even going on

dean tells him to see him in his office, miz is like what the actual fuck why does this trashpile get an office and i don't

dean's apparently planned the entire show, tells miz to go home

miz wanted to do miztv with one of one direction, but dean's been too busy making matches

miz comes back like you like matches so much, you're fighting bray wyatt fuck you bye

next, it's bralisto

but first, charly tries to interview joe

but half a sentence in, he sees an opportunity for a philosophical yet angry villainous monologue

he does it so well

promising again to break every ligament in seth's body

so seth blindsides him

you would

turns into a backstage brawl, seth hits joe with a ladder

i wonder where this could be leading

officials tear them apart way more effectively than usual, fade

but actually next, we have braun/tiny man

after a recap of the dumpster shenanigans

dumpstranigans?

probably not

this recap sponsored by just 4 men moustache and beard, so braun may be older than i thought

booker and corey trade what i think are boxing references?

kalisto breaks in with his new theme, its intro played on one of those weeeeeeeeooooooooo sticks you bought in gift shops in the 90s

braun goes for a mic, which is out of character

tells dean to shove it, refuses to have this match because he's injured

also because roman is a coward, which i don't get

bell rings anyway, braun kicks kalisto's face entirely off

starts choking him into the turnbuckle, hit roman's music

roman's wearing more shoulder tape than cesaro

referee's stood there like um guys what the shit is going on

roman has apparently just come here to stare at braun

so sweet

comes into the ring, ref is like seriously guys do not do this s2g i will TURN THIS CAR AROUND

braun punches roman's bad arm, he takes him down with three superman punches

nobody rings the dq for some reason

roman tries to spear braun through the barricade, he just lifts one leg to chest height

roman bullfights him into the post, rips his sling off, beats him into the post a bit

hits his bad arm into every surface available

the o2 crowd are not the hugest fans of roman, let's say

roman goes for a chair, does a bunch of shots with it, still somehow a babyface

braun does the sensible thing and leaves

london is less than impressed

especially when roman poses in the ring

where the fuck did kalisto even go?

apparently later we have joe/seth

such imaginative booking, new managers

but now we're in the locker room, with truth singing along to his music

goldust comes in to be like dude this is big can we maybe be serious and actually win a fucking match

goldust says they can be a better blast from the past than the hardyz

i'll be honest, i'm not sure i want old goldust back

or at least, don't go too far back

that match next, but first, a video to remind you how amazing shinsuke is

oh, also backlash is happening

and an advert for supercard, which makes it feel like champions has already shit the bed

and let's have a recap of braun/roman from literally minutes ago

look at your franchise babyface, everyone

jojo gets her title card as she explains how tag turmoil works

it's not the fucking brawl for all, i think we get it

so yeah, this is the contendership match

first up, greasy and big

corey makes a chav joke

we love you corey

enzo has sprung for a union jack loincloth

thanks crowd guy, apparently matt is a letdown

take that, matt

enzo makes a poop joke, take a shot

okay, don't play that game, because this intro would leave you with cirrhosis

so much poop

at least they're rhyming today

been a while

london loves them, because of course they fucking do

corey: "I'm officially done with this. Enzo Amore just celebrated incontinence."

oh, but here come the KKB to kill them dead

still rocking the aviators of evil

i like their jackets, in a we brought fourteen knives through customs kind of way

crowd tried something new i didn't catch, then go back to seven nation armying for enzo

oh, it's the sheamus and cesaro thing, to...do the conga?

is that what that pattern is?

anyway

pan out to the hardyz watching the match, sadly from the locker room and not in a river taxi or madame tussaud's or a wetherspoons or something

sheamus hits an irish curse on enzo, cesaro tags in to just stomp the shit out of him

the man can take damage

enzo bullfights both of them sequentially, which mostly just insults their intelligence, goes for the tag

cesaro grabs his leg, goes down to the worst dragon screw ever seen on tv, sheamus murders cass at ringside

cesaro locks in a sharpshooter, enzo taps

and next up, slater and rhyno

who have come dressed as the consituent parts of last night's croatian entry

(they haven't, but that'd be great)

sheamus and cesaro run up the ramp to kick the shit out of them before the bell can ring

they really get these proud english traditions

people finally get back in the ring

all of london do the i got kids chant, cesaro doesn't give a fuck, kicks him in the crotch, the crowd change it to no more kids

okay, as testicle jokes go, that was pretty good

heath tries for a hot tag, rhyno still isn't conscious

finally makes it to the apron, sheamus boots him off it at mach 4

and then returns to choking heath to death

heath gets out, tries for a hot tag to someone who still doesn't exist, cesaro uppercuts him into the corner, tags in sheamus, assisted brogue for the pin

next up, gallows and anderson

sheamus's hawk is the only hair in this ring

the club do their backbreaker elbow drop on cesaro, pan out again to matt hardy like hmm i appreciate that manoeuvre and jeff like yes i am also here

sheamus tags in against gallows, this match just turns into a bar fight

if you've seen the first ep of american gods, that what this is like

brief spot of everyone running in and hitting big spots on each other, all four go down, no ten-count because fuck your rules

sheamus hits white noise on gallows for a near-fall, london forget to do the thing

thank god

the timing all goes slightly dodgy, as the club set up a magic killer and then calmly wait for cesaro to get back to the ring and break it

and the brogue to anderson for the pin

and now, finally, the fucking golden truth

they explode onto the scene and open just enough asskickery on them to make you briefly consider that they might win

not sure where they're going with this

probably turning goldust heel again?

cesaro does a weird tag in from ringside, atomic drops goldust onto the barricade

ouch

truth gets a what's up thing going, apparently not giving a shit that his partner's in a submission

such teamwork

as ever, heels are the organised ones

cesaro beats the shit out of an old man in a vinyl bodysuit, pauses to casually punch his partner off the apron

goes for another sharpshooter, truth manages to break it

hot tag to truth, and he's actually looking in pretty good condition

lie detector to scissor kick, near-fall

welp, truth, that was your chance

and then cesaro gets a rollup off...what the fuck even happened there?

it just looked like truth accepted that he'd spent all his finishers and given up

sheamus and cesaro beat on them some more after the bell, cue some avenging weirdos

matt does two delete arms, call your lawyers

they run to the ring, sheamus and cesaro are just like whatever fuck this noise and leave

matt stands in the ring doing even more deletes, cesaro backs into the cameraman

if you have a thing for swiss kidney areas, boy do i have a timecode for you

and now for a recap of joe/seth

jeth?

fuck that, i'm not saying 'jeth' for the sake of three letters

so yes, we have that match next

after an advert for the mania dvd

because we need mania adverts backward through time, apparently

so yes, we have a match i don't have a portmanteau for now

here's seth, being slapped by random british people as he goes down the ramp

occupational hazard in london, really

joe glowers so hard the camera guy forgets how focus works

bell rings, punch party starts

booker sagely informs us that joe has feet as well as hands, corey counters that "every one of his appendages is a weapon"

and then goes mysteriously silent for a time

lovely sling blade from seth, but this really shouldn't surprise anyone

and a big blockbuster, but it looks like the main casualty of it was seth's left hip

and then joe returns to working seth's allegedly-bad knee

which will heal around the same time as cesaro's shoulder

joe pauses mid-beatdown to stare into seth's soul and ask if he can hear his ligaments yet

CAN YOU HEAR THEM

CAN YOU HEAR YOUR LIGAMENTS ROLLINS

seth counters out of a coquina clutch, hits two suicide dives and a top rope elbow, joe doesn't give a shit

sets up for something else, joe counters into his freakishly fast snap powerslam like fuck you peasant i am your king

london is split on who to support, cos they're both great and this match is great

joe goes for another suplex, seth hits a really complex counter into a falcon arrow

goes for a coquina clutch, seth does a beautiful spinning enzuigiri out of it, goes for a muscle buster, seth grabs the rope and pulls the turnbuckle pad off "accidentally"

and joe whips him into it oh what a shock

the ref tries to fix it, joe takes the pad and throws it to a lucky fan, whips him into the corner again for a dq

and then does it again, because fuck you i'm samoa joe

and coquina clutches seth into the calm embrace of morpheus

morpheus, in this case, being represented by a 300-pound polynesian man

cut to the announcement that miz is actually getting his title match next week, not at extreme rules

and a reminder that we've got dean/bray coming up

but first, an advert for bring it to the table

sure, whatever

but now, here comes neville

i was wondering when we'd break out the purple ropes tonight

cut to a facebook video of neville telling tj to murder jack gallagher to prove his worth

so neville's just here to spit angry geordie fire on announce

jack comes in, neville is enormously bitter about his crowd reaction

tj has changed to being billed as just 'tjp'

clearly neville has bestowed upon him the dark rite in which he traded his name for power

bell rings, tj doesn't give a shit, just sits on the turnbuckle chewing gum like a twat

does jack's v-sign, so jack dabs

jack stealing a dance move that tj invented back through time enrages him, so he comes down, only to get immediately chinned

throughout all of this, neville is just ripping every kind of shit out of cole

and it's great

tjp drop toe holds jack into the ring steps

jack is getting some ENGERLAND chants, and i feel like i can picture every person doing them

tj doesn't care for jack's corner handstand tomfoolery, gets a shoe in the face as a result

and tj gets a fistful of rainbow pants for a rollup out of nowhere

goes back in to fuck up jack's knee, austin runs out of the crowd to take it back to him

he's got one of the kneebraces that seem de rigeur this season on

so that was a really short cruiserweight segment

next up, sasha banks does a thing

after another backlash advert, actually focusing on someone other than shinsuke for once

so yes, here's sasha

against alicia, who's already in the ring

and has also come as the cyan ranger this week

cue the slapfight

alicia hits a northern lights like two moves in

way to keep your finisher special

the crowd are very worked up over something entirely external to the match, which is a shame, cos this is pretty good

and also because fuck's sake, guys, you paid for these tickets

and sasha hits her double knee drop to the face for the jankiest pin ever

that was so awkward that i wonder if she got hurt

corey calls out the weirdness of the pin, because only heels get facts

and then we get a several-angle action replay of how much of a pin that wasn't

but up next, main event time, with eternal fire of damnation vs trash fire under a bridge

and miz is on announce, which is nice

wyatt cut to bray's intro, which cole slightly ruins by not shutting the fuck up

have i mentioned on here how much i like bray's kraken shirt?

because it feels like i must've

dean enters immediately, so we don't even get to hear bray talk

boo

did...did miz just call dean a sloth?

a think he might have said slob, thinking about it

that would probably make more sense

but i prefer my image

bray proclaims his godhood, london are completely behind him on this

if the man ever wanted to stop all this wrestling bollocks and set up a demon church, we know which side of the atlantic it should be on

dean hits bray with a suicide dive, bray responds by suplexing him out of the ring from ringside

meanwhile, miz is just piling the trashtalk on cole

poor guy, having to be insulted by neville and miz within like half an hour

it's just a mercy kevin's not on this show any more, i guess

dean does his rope catch bounce thing, bray just smirks and gives him a lariat to run into

as expected from these two, this is just the trashiest fight

dean lines up an elbow drop, bray rolls out of the ring, dean says screw it and does it to ringside instead

dean's trying to amp up the crowd, but they are just behind bray for miles

miz announces that he wants a closer look at the match, waltzes down the ramp

bray goes for sister abigail off the distraction, gets countered, just uranages him through the floor instead

the crowd are doing a randy savage chant, because fuck actually watching the match, i guess

i've seen some long-ass superplex setup spots in my time, but dang

dean eventually wins it, goes for an axehandle on bray, jumps into a fist to the chest

miz starts interference, dean starts going for dirty deeds but then suicide dives miz instead

miz takes advantage of the ref's colossal blind spot to coldcock dean with his belt

bray goes for a quick pin, doesn't get it, so sister abigail for the win

miz announces bray's victory with a strange level of glee

oh my god

how good would it be if they started working together, with the angle that miz was actually falling for bray's teachings

just imagining squeaky-clean devil preacher miz is making me happy

miz beats on dean some, then does an enormously hot promo over his body

including insulting britain, so i'm kind of on his side

and fade on miz and maryse being that insufferable couple and dean lying in the ring, growling and plotting his revenge on happy, successful people

downs will be smacked later, but in the meantime, here's a screaming Ukrainian drag act to keep you amped up

----------------------

well, i hope you all enjoyed that 19-hour verka break

god knows i did

but now that the important business is out of the way, let's squeeze in some MONDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

as long as we all accept that i've had 2 hours of sleep, so this is probably going to be 90 minutes of mass effect jokes that don't quite go anywhere, shitty pwr bttm hot takes, and "oh look a wrestle happened"

by continuing to read, you are accepting these terms and conditions

(daniel assures me that's how it works)

that aside, on with the show!

we open on a dramatic recap of the ongoing saga of jinder mahal winning a thing

and reminding me how hard i find it to boo him for shouting at americans for not accepting diversity

and also how shitty the resolution of the HoH match was

the new day are in the titles, despite having not yet appeared on this show

okay, we're still in london

wonder if we've got a less shit london this time

oh hey, randy's here

maybe he'll enlighten us as to when exactly he learnt to FUCKING TELEPORT

shane seems to have given him his belt back

two sentences in, randy talks shit about the evil fridge

three and a half sentences in, here comes jinder to save us from randy trying to emote

flanked by his loyal day-glo shirts and the bollywood boyz they abducted

ooh, we get to see the promo shots he was doing before shane took the belt

that is certainly a set of photos of a man with a belt

apparently when jinder wins, the grateful nation of india will build a statue of him

so apparently what we've got this time is the casually racist london crowd

fuck off, guys

just before jinder can do a promo in punjabi, kevin comes in to remind them that nobody should be giving a shit about people that aren't him

gets cheered for saying india ain't shit, wins his heel heat back by reminding the crowd that england ain't shit either

so he's here to talk about how much he killed jericho and is going to kill aj at backlash

and then after that, he's coming after whoever has the top belt

restates his promo in french, gets boos because this fucking crowd, reminds me once again how fucking strange québécois vowels are

and now we have styles now

i smell a curtain-jerk tag match

london might not like people who speak different languages, but damn if they don't fucking love aj styles

tells kevin he ain't shit, and now here...comes...baron corbin?

gets about six words in before getting coldcocked by sami

brief brawl ensues, the heels get chased away, the crowd have stopped giving a shit

so that was certainly a segment

later we have dolph confronting shinsuke, and next it's becky/nattie

and confirmation that the main event is going to be a 6-man tag with all those guys

cut back to the ring, and carmella and tamina are here, with ellsworth doing hype for them

opens by calling the crowd plonkers, goes well

and then carmella takes the mic to do a hype intro for nattie

fuck me, but this is some byzantine hype power structure we've got here

how many people have to die before tamina gets the mic?

and now...naomi is here?

so looks like we're having another one of those entire division in one segment things

naomi is here to do another bad cockney voice and run hype for becky

seriously, can we all stop doing the bad cockney cheap pop?

becky and nattie square off, cue charlotte's music

presumably to be like excuse you why was i not invited

points out how she doesn't need someone else to hype her, but neglects to address the matter of why the fuck she's here in the first place

jbl takes the opportunity now that he's actually in england to start making mainstream american sport references

sort it out

london start doing the give it up chant pattern for becky, but something about those vowels makes it feel off to me

but then, thinking too much about phonology is my 3rd-7th middle names

some kind of heel distraction happened there, charlotte and naomi came at cross purposes, nattie scores a cheap pin off the distraction, end segment

wow, this show doesn't feel rushed at all

but apparently next, we have fashion files: special london unit

after another burlana video

fuck, but i hope she's not russian any more

and i kind of like her shitty jazz music, but that just says a lot about me

but now, charlotte and naomi argue backstage

naomi has personal space issues, charlotte's still kind of an unlikeable bitch

becky bursts in to be like jesus ladies sort your shit out we need to actually work together if we're going to beat these asswipes

charlotte like sure i can bond i'm THE GREATEST at bonding

remember when she got to have friends in nxt?

so they're going for a 6-woman tag at backlash

but now, fashion files

*tonk tonk*

which they've replaced wth fandango just making the noise

they've come as an english policeman and sherlock homes

they find spilled paint, a sure sign of the usos, who no longer wear paint

fandango dips a finger, tastes, "Yep. That's lead paint."

they hear screaming, bust down a door, and it's just the ascension screaming at each other

like they do

tyler is getting too old for this shirt

so yeah, that happened

and now we have mr harper and his amazing magnified wood

fighting erick rowan, after this exciting ad break

rowan's music is still fucking great, and his new mask is...yeah

thoughtfully puts it on one ring post staring at the crowd as the match starts

harper single leg dropkicks rowan in the face, because fuck you i'm luke harper i know 1437 moves

rowan takes a moment to commune with his mask

i am down for weird totemic rowan where the mask is channeling the voice of bray or something

and next up in esoteric angles that would please your author and basically nobody else...

mildly terrifying sideslam from rowan, aided by the fact that harper can clearly jump like fuck

rowan uses the mask to distract the ref, austins harper in the eye, weird spinning slam for the win

i love how after the ref took rowan's mask off him, he considerately put it back on the post

end segment, no words

on to dolphamura buildup no. 735

inb4 dolph makes a joke about ugly british people

oh, no, he just goes traight in ranting at the crowd for ignoring him for eight years and jumping on shinsuke immediately

apparently we treat dolph like a contagious disease

indeed, i do have a general policy of not letting dolph ziggler into my bloodstream

dolph goes on about how shinsuke hasn't had a match, nxt chants deafen

dolph: "Well, this'll all be edited out, so."

he's another good one for actually having the quickness and composure to react to crowd shit

talks shit on shinsuke for calling himself 'the artist', despite the fact that he never actually has

dolph does this whole impassioned speech, the whole crowd just do nakamura chants, and he just stands there oozing bitterness

calls shinsuke out, cue the drop guaranteed to make me flail like an electrocuted trout

turns out this crowd do like people who speak another language, but only if they also happen to be the smoothest motherfucker on god's green earth

shinsuke gets in the ring, just stands there charismaing at dolph and waiting for him to speak first

he does, dolph mocks, shinsuke takes his mic

tells him to shut his fuck up, says they can have a match now

they square off and remove jackets, dolph's just like nope i'm a douche we do this when i say so

and then coldcocks him anyway, because, once again, douche

it ends about as well for him as youd expect

i.e., dolph gets his dumb topknot puched off

retreats from the ring with his majestic mane flying free

and cut to the locker room, where sami is once again trying to chair a meeting of his teammates

randy and aj are both just stood there like who's this talky motherfucker

calls randy the heavy artillerary

boom shakaloo

they both leave while he's doing a visualisation exercise

okayyyy

a new day video in which they take to the medium of old-school arcade games to call everyone else in the division booty

let's be honest, i could follow those first six words with literally anything else and you'd have no reason to doubt me

but speaking of teams who just got bootied, it's fashion police/ascension now

one of these teams is on the card for backlash

just gonna leave that there

far more interesting than this match is tom's slow descent into total aphasia and inability to go a sentence without corpsing

viktor gets to punch tyler in the face some, but goes down to a leg drop from fandango

that sentence accurately conveys how complex and interesting that match was

but here are the usos to talk shit

and do their version of the how you doin list thing

during which jimmy catches tom's corpsing sickness and jey makes some mildly homophobic jokes

so yeah, that segment happened

is it me, or is this like the least inspiring episode of smackdown since the split?

on which note, talking smack has dolph, mojo, and the usos

one of these men has not even been on screen this week

but now we have a 205 advert, in which kendrick elucidates us as to how much shit akira tozawa ain't while making far too many twitchy hand gestures

not gonna be able to unsee that now

but now, mojo is taking some adorable children on a tour backstage, and teaching them a valuable lesson about tolerance through the medium of stories about andre the giant

...okay, sure, whatever

that was literally the entirety of the segment

but now, a twitter video of rusev ranting at shane for not responding to his weird out-of-nowhere ultimatum

apparently he will actually deign to come to his workplace next week for once

but now we have the big tag match now

as far as this crowd are concerned this match is just aj styles+5

randy nearly rko's kevin, jbl gleefully informs us that "It only takes one!", having apparently never watched a solid 50% of randy orton matches where it does not

kevin tags in, baron immediately holds his hand out to tag

holds it there a really awkward length of time while kevin has no interest in him whatsoever

we've arrived at the 'sami zayn gets his face punched concave' section of this match

also the 'singh brother dayglo sleeve temporarily covers half the camera' section, apparently

sami tries to do a springboard splash before having absorbed enough punishment, baron just punches him the fuck out of the air

can't tell if baron's pointedly keeping his hands off sami in their corner or stealing randy's pose

sami somehow manages to rip baron's shirt off while getting the shit beaten out of him

that just smacks of poor manufacturing standards

hot tag to aj, who punches everyone in the face

sets up a styles clash on baron, loses it but transitions into a calf crusher

kevin breaks it, general brawl happens punctuated mainly by sami topeing everyone

aj tries to do a phenomenal forearm on baron, having neglected the customary checks to see if KEVIN OWENS IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU OH GOD

kevin shouts about it being his title while applying a master headlock so hard it looks like he's trying to compress aj's head into the world's first georgian farm-fed organic diamond

randy tags in, kicks everyone until he gets distracted by the singhs

and then everyone does their finishers on everyone, culminating in jinder cobra slamming randy for the pin

there's no way in hell he'll win at backlash, but it'd be cool if he did

him and his cohorts stand halfway up the ramp, all shouting in punjabi, randy lies in the ring with this bewildered look of what is losing i don't lose things i'm randy orton

and scene

so that was a pair of really shitty london matches

good job, guys

and we still haven't addressed how RANDY SHITTING TELEPORTED FROM UNDER AN EVIL FRIDGE TO SOMEWHERE WITH CONVENIENT FOLDING CHAIRS AND THENCE TO THE RING

sigh

hey, maybe it's not that hard

lemme try

*pop*

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Dab v Banana: Whoever Wins, We Look Dumb

Transmission date: Monday 1/Tuesday 2 May 2017

Bust open those diet planners, it's time for SUNDAY NIGHT PALEO!

wait

shit

it's monday afternoon raw

welp, keep it rolling

so yeah, this is the raw after payback

which i mostly remember, but largely thanks to looking it up

we're in sacramento

and as the show starts, the women's division are in the ring

it's carpeted and there's a podium

and here comes alexa to do a big entrance

bayley is somewhat less than impressed

recap slideshow of the title match from payback

featuring alexa stark and head trauma

bayley's wearing a sleeveless jacket over her gear for some reason

alexa sarcastically thanks everyone for turning up because she told kurt to tell them to

god, i love all the words she says

apparently the queen is dead

well, that's a hell of a way to find out

alexa proclaims herself a goddess

that's usually bray's thing

she's set up her own coronation because just being given a belt isn't enough for her

thanks mickie for being an inspiration while also calling her old

thanks sasha, who is dressed even more as a matador than usual

for getting pinned

sasha gets up in her face, she backs up and walks into nia

alexa's like you know what we're good moving on

emma's just stood there smirking like i have no history with you i'll just get the popcorn

alexa gets on the podium, remembers to thank bayley at last

crowd start chanting for bayley, alexa's like yeah thanks i do know her name

talks smack about her family in the audience, bayley is getting tenser and tenser

alexa says bayley's nephews finally have a real role model, bayley's like fuck it, tips over the podium, brawl begins

cut to ads, and we come back on a tag match

bayley/sasha/dana/mickie v alexa/emma/nia/alicia

emma takes some hits, you can just hear alexa on the apron shouting, "Cmon Emma, you're embarrassing us!"

mickie tags in to kick emma in the face seven different ways

emma's lost the smiley boob face, which is a shame

but she has taken to wearing turquoise lipstick, so i can get behind that

dana gets a phase against alicia, in which we can see how much she's improved

she's actually a pretty good wrestler now

alicia's gear has been redesigned again, and this time seems to have been constructed largely at random

this is such an archetypal whole-division let's-all-do-our-spots exhibition tag match

sasha decides to slow down the formula by putting alicia in a leg trap straitjacket for a solid minute

alexa shouts at alicia to come and tag, alicia, still tied in knots by sasha, shouts back "I'M TRYING!"

cut to ads, and when we come back nia jax has punched sasha's soul out

nia tags in, elbow drops sasha in the back

ouch

alexa is standing at ringside doing the whole let's you and him fight thing

refusing to even entertain the idea of tagging in

nia does her chancery toss on sasha so the slowmo replay guy has something to do

sasha fights out a few times, with nia dropping her again every time, and finally tagging alexa in

sasha has many skills, but nobody ever talks about how well she bumps

she can take damage like nobody's business

sasha finally manages to get a tag, enter bayley, grudge match commences

mashes alexa's face into the turnbuckle, yknow, like babyfaces do

bayley to belly for a near-fall, broken by nia doing an elbow drop

cue everyone beating on everyone

dana and mickie take down nia, emma takes dana, alicia takes sasha, alexa takes the distraction to rake bayley's eyes and ddt for the pin

i know i said formula, but it's a good formula

that was a good match

heels pose in the ring, faces carry their heroine out, alexa mocks everyone in the world

yes, that includes you

and now we talk about braun/roman

and a replay of braun v. ambulance round 2

later we have updates on both of their condition

also seth rollins tells us what's next

but actually next, chickenfucker and large have a match

enzo swaggers in like he's shat himself

or maybe he's riding a very short invisible horse

apparently they haven't slept, because they had a match

which was at like 4 p.m. local time

you guys need to sort out your sleep schedule

mid-smacktalk, anderson and gallows blindside them but end up getting thrown out of the ring

enzo looks even more concussed than usual

cut to ads, cut back and the match is on

it's enzo/gallows solo, which is a totally reasonable matchup

booker t makes a public enemy reference to show us how cool he is

although that consisted of just naming people who were in public enemy before mumbling and talking about something else, having never quite reached whatever point he was aiming for

most of this match has comprised gallows knocking enzo down, then doing wolfpac hands over him

he does know that's not how you pin someone, right?

i mean, i think enzo's a tool, but still, five solid minutes of him getting the shit kicked out of him does not make entertaining television

enzo keeps getting brief showings of offence before gallows is just like lol no and kicks him in the face

even the announce team are making fun of booker for talking shit and never finding the point

enzo gets a second rope dropkick, gallows actually goes down for once

gallows ends up on his knees, enzo does an honest to god randy-style punt to his head

not something i expected to see

near-pin off that, then a brief confrontation between cass and karl lets gallows drop enzo for the pin

well, that was definitely a worthy continuation of the preshow

and now we're in the locker room

tjp approaches neville to be smug and insouciant

and ask about his near-loss last night

neville's like fuck off mate, i like you but anyone who says that can still go fuck themselves

apparently it was the referee's fault

neville does a whole thing about how austin is occupying tj's rightful contendership spot

so we've got perkins/aries later

this is so sith

darth neville swishes off, cut to ads

up next, seth rollins does something

either someone's broken a drum machine, or here he comes

swaggers in like yeah i am awesome aren't i, but now we all love him for it

pumps the crowd, who are apparently feeling good

seth's out to do a freestyle speech about the fans and his career and it sounds like he's getting a lifetime achievement award or some shit

"You gotta embrace the sucky part of life just as much as the good stuff, man."

deep

he's beaten everybody around, so now he wants brock

or more specifically, the belt

he's like i've been to suplex city and fuck that place

its tripadvisor ratings must be terrible

"Large man pounded me into jam. Wifi coverage acceptable. No breakfast. 1.5/5"

in bursts finn to be like hey wait a minute are you forgetting the bit where i beat you for that title with ONE FUCKING ARM fuck away off with you

and...here's dean?

what claim does he even have

swings in with his belt, makes some jokes, does a thing about fighting champions

like we all know brock no longer exists, so why isn't everyone here to fight me fuck it i'm dean ambrose i'll fight anyone one time i punched a toddler for a happy meal toy he found in a gutter i stepped on my mother's face to get to the last slice of borthday cake i'm crazy fuck it

enter an angry miz, who doesn't like dean making a mockery of his belt

finn steps to him, miz is like yeah you cheapshotted me good job sod off

calls dean out for not defending the belt at payback

and just straight-up calls seth a gimp

didn't know that was pg

apparently we all hate miz because he's too good at wrestling

dean, finn and seth all tell him to shut up in perfect unison

dean's like hey i can sort this out, you know what everyone likes? Everyone likes seeing miz get beaten up

gets his mobile out, calls kurt

who apparently is not happy dean has his personal number

but he has agreed to miz/seth/finn for ic title contendership tonight

dean's like fuck i'm good and walks out, leaves the others arguing

i love how the ic belt is the de facto top title now that brock's fucked away off to his house made of suplexes

but now, let's have a dramatic slideshow of roman/braun at payback

while the announcers remind us that roman, braun and kalisto have all been in hospital

i had forgotten how brutal then end of that match was

.but braun breaking the ambulance is still hilarious

his is like an anime fight scene

what with the length, constant false endings, and everyone ending up totally fucked

is this braun's final form

but now, purple rope time

6-man tag, which is wwe code for 'we finished all the storylines we had planned, let's put everyone in the ring at once so we can set up the new feuds'

nese/kendrick/dar versus...

i'm guessing swann/ali/gallagher

oh look, it's rich swann

oh yeah, wait, tozawa

how the fuck did i forget him

probably because in my mind he's main eventing everything

and jack

two out of three, i guess

jack comes out with spare umbrellas so all three of them can pose with them

truly gentlemanly

we open with kendrick/tozawa, continuing their educate-off

kendrick's tights tonight are the flat blue of default-coloured clothes on your minimum-effort CAW

kendrick tags out to nese, who beats the fuck out of tozawa

so yeah, this is just another multi-man exhibition thing

have we had any singles matches so far?

and i'm not counting enzo/gallows, because that was basically a tag match

three babyfaces team up to throw tony nese at noam and brian as we cut to break

tony is still riding for astana, and i remain unconvinced that those colours suit him

vertical holds akira with one arm while admiring his lovely bicep, before just dumping him on the top rope

...ow

holds him in a torture rack for ages, looking inches from just saying fuck it and dropping a burning hammer

which would be one hell of a way to get fired

tozawa finally manages to tag out off the distraction of tony nese being a dick, brawlery begins

captain's hook on gallagher, akira breaks it with a shining wizard

akira and rich keep the others occupied while jack hits his big dropkick for the pin

good match, but zero narrative content

and also, where the fuck is mustafa ali

but now, let's talk about the tag scene

and the ongoing saga of jeff hardy's tooth

complete with incisive commentary

(i'm sorry)

and the KKB finally turning heel

and now we get slowmo highlighted video of the tooth leaving his mouth for some reason

but now, here come my favourite tag team to explain themselves

both wearing heavy black jackets and aviator shades now

so you know they're evil

also lessens the blinding risk of their intro somewhat

the crowd aren't sure how to react

oh, now the music stops, the boos are in

oh my god, people are booing cesaro

there's a thing

shockingly, i like their coats

sheamus does a whole thing about how he's finally free to admit that he's always hated the audience because they've always been shit to him

which is fair, really

and cesaro's joined him on the dark side because mania was supposed to be their moment until the hardyz showed up

he gets a fiery bit ripping on the crowd for embracing a nostalgia act over current talent

which is also totally fair

i do love these two on the mic

they take it to the hardyz for being a novelty act

the crowd are finally getting properly behind booing them

this is a proper heel turn with some reason and thought behind it

i approve

apparently they are the bar

said like it's their new catchphrase

and here come said novelty act

matt does one delete arm, gets on the mic with his weird in-between accent

and then they do one more together before rushing the ring

cesaro and sheamus are just like fuck that and walk off before they can get their hands on them

i like this feud a lot

you could probably tell

and now, charly interviews miz and maryse in a room made of led boards

asking about the match tonight

miz does a whole speech about method acting, and while the frame's on him, charly turns into dean

asks another sarcastic question, miz gives him a dirty look and walks off

but now, heath and rhyno are here?

video from earlier tonight, with heath giving apollo parenting advice

until titus appears to shield his protégé like dude i'm the best dad why wouldn't you come to me i'm hurt

so now here they come too

the match is heath/apollo

i'm not sure where this angle is going, so let's see

heath gets put in a headscissors, jumps out of it and lands into a headlock, shouting "THAT'S A COUNTER, BABY!"

god, i love that redneck weirdo

and he is really technically good

for all that i don't really get the story of it, this is a good technical match

most of the narrative is in the reactions of their managers

titus distracts heath briefly, spinout powerbomb for the pin

titus does his post-win selfie with apollo, rhyno photobombs them because of course he does

like fuck my wounded tag partner, this'll be hilarious

apparently on 205 we have tjp/lince, ali/gulak and dar/swann

sounds good

but now, we talk about two men murdering each other last night

at least, now we advance the story

we've been talking about it all night

on which note, here comes a kurt

not sure it needs him to be out here, but fuck it, it's kurt angle, everyone loves him

and his weird kidney bean head

apparently braun/roman was the most physical match kurt's ever seen

[citation needed]

apparently roman has reinjured his ribs, and braun tore his rotator cuff

god, i hope that's a work

speech continues, WYATT CUT

there's no real reason for bray to be here, it's just fun to fuck with the administration

and besides, he needs something to do now that his last victim is on a different show

(can i have a sidebar to talk about how much i hope the house of horrors is going to be a recurring thing?)

(cos i really do)

music cuts, lights stay down except for one on bray and kurt

kurt's stood there like what the actual fuck

bray introduces himself to kurt, everyone pops

apparently he's here tonight as our saviour

i want to see his door-to-door missionaries

apparently randy will forever be trapped in the house of horrors

did he not watch the second half of the match either?

so now that's done, bray has come here as the angel of raw

he can fix us all, apparently

every part of him can heal us from the poison we can't feel

so bray's here to ask if kurt is willing to let him do his work

kurt's like i don't fucking know, that was super vague

but this is my show

which elicits major cackling from bray

and he's like sure, but this is my world

wyatt cut, end

and now dean is back in interview mode

turns up in the locker room, sticks a mic in seth's face like how are you feeling about the match tonight

seth's like what the fuck is this why are you doing interviews this wasn't scheduled or anything

to which dean counters with "Well, there are cameras in here. Be pretty weird if there were cameras in the locker room and there *wasn't* an interview planned."

this is probably the best-written episode of raw in like ever

dean gets sidetracked pitching his new interview show on the network

wants it to be the today show or the daily show

seth's like um dude those are real shows

dean asks seth how he feels about the prospect of winning this and facing dean ambrose, seth gives him a weird look and does the rest of the interview in the third person too#

this is fucking gold

they do a semi-friendly faceoff, dean's like welp dean got surprised once, won't happen again

[tensionnnnnnn]

signs off (to gorilla), and it's cruiserweight time vol. 2

(for the record, the first time he signed off to bobby and gene)

so yes, it's Dab v Banana: Whoever Wins, We Look Dumb

tj finally gets an attack phase in, thanks entirely ti crotching austin on the turnbuckle

works the knee, wraps it up in the ropes

so yeah, narrative is happening

stands on austin's knee and dabs, because twat

i am enjoying angry tjp with something to prove, as opposed to entitled worthy millennial tjp

austin's fighting in underdog mode, so he's so going to win

ooh, tj bullfights austin into the post, then gets him in a half-crab while sitting on the top turnbuckle

that ticks my shit-i've-never-seen-before box

austin gets the upper hand, hits the sloppiest fucking suicide dive ever

sort it out, austin

although i guess that could just be him selling damage

but hey

and now he gets the whole pendulum elbow and second rope elbow drop combos

tj goes for a detonation kick, austin counters with a shin breaker and suplex, goes for the discus fivearm, tj kicks him in the hurt knee, goes for detonation again, austin counters directly into the last chancery for the tap

good match, lovely finish

as the ref's raising austin's hand, tj chop blocks him and puts him in a kneebar, because, once again, twat

ref finally pulls him off, so he saunters off, smirking like douchebag pinoy fred savage

cut to backstage, finn gets ambushed by interview dean

finn is hardcore, does his whole fuck nerves i'm awesome thing, so dean finishes up by giving him a twinkie

"For the love of God, man, eat a carb!"

outstanding moment, not damaged at all by the fact that i had it spoiled

finn takes one bite and stalks off, dean starts eating the rest, when *atmospheric strum* elias shitting samson looms out of the shadows

dean's just like okay cool i have music now, asks him for pearl jam

elias gives him a look, walks off, still playing

huh

and...cut to goldust?

pitching a film to kurt

The Golden Quest

truth translates, they want a title match

kurt's like jesus guys stop asking me you never win anything you can't have a title match why the fuck would that happen

goldust prevails upon him some more, kurt finally caves and puts them in a turmoil match for contendership next week

they leave, kurt's just like thank fuck they're gone

and now the announce team do a thing about jericho, despite him not being on this show any more

cue facebook video of kurt bidding him farewell

well, that advanced approximately nothing

but was short

so hey, swings and roundabouts

but now it's main event time

*does the arms*

oh my god i just flashed forward to how sweet it'll be the first time he does the demon entrance again

it's gonna be so good

whatever you think about miz, you've got to admit that entrance is just the most polished thing

and maryse is spectacularly attired, as ever

one day i'll get through a show without being desperately jealous of maryse's wardrobe, but it is not this day

in contrast to those two, seth's entrance is just shouting at the crowd and amping them up

aka cenaing all over the place

this is the classic triple threat dynamic of heel/face/i'm a fucking demon screw your dichotomies

naturally, miz opens by rolling out like it's cool you guys have your match

and he'll lurk at the edge until he sees an opportunity

every time there's a pin attempt, he lunges into the ring and they just look at him until he's just like ooooookaaaaaaaay and slides back out

they're finally giving up on that plan and going after miz

seth chases miz, miz runs into the ring, sees finn is still there and is just like ...ah

tries to talk his way out of it, they both kick him in the face

proper three-way begins

but most of it is still seth/finn, to be honest

and you know what?

i don't give a shit

the whole match could be seth/finn and i'd still watch the crap out of it

it'd be amazing

seth goes for a tope, maryse gets deployed as a shield

finn goes for him, she does it again

but that opens him up for seth

i've just noticed how much black and silver gear we have in the ring

seth goes to the top rope, miz pushes him off, he falls to ringside, lands feet-first and his his head on the barricade

jesus, dude,

please don't die

miz goes for his bryan spot, gets kicked in the face

seth appears back in the ring to crossbody finn, lands on his neck, we don't even get a good shot of it because miz headbutts the camera

jesus christ, seth

cool it down like 20%

it'll still be great, and you won't die

by now, everybody in this match is just beat to shit

and it's been great

finn tries to get back in the ring, miz hits him with seth

lines them both up for the yes kicks

finn throws him at seth, who catches him into a ddt hold, then drops it down as finn kicks him in the face

this is fucking balletic

finn kicks miz out of the ring, clotheslines seth out, then runs along the apron to punt miz in the head, runs all the way around to do a massive dropkick launching seth into the barricade, then carries him into the ring for a 1916

miz breaks the pin

i really thought that was gonna be the finish

what a fucking sequence

god, i've missed finn

sling blades seth, lines up for a corner dropkick, miz crotches him into the ring post

mis goes for a finale, seth counters, miz kicks him in the knee and ddts him

and now, figure four

finn breaks it by kicking miz in the head again, near-fall

i have no fucking clue where this match is going to go, but it's fantastic

everyone kicks everyone in the head, seth nearly pins finn

seriously, maybe cool it with the headkicking

i hear it's not good for you

miz tries a comeback, seth ddts him into the post, then hits them both with a double blockbuster, and frog splash for the near-fall

hoooooly shit

the crowd are going absolutely mental, and who can blame them

miz goes to the top rope, seth throws finn at the cameraman and counters into a superplex and a falcon arrow

that's the speed you superplex at

and STILL no pin

suicide dives both of them, when samoa fucking joe spinebusters him at ringside and walks off shouting

so guess we're doing that

sling blade to miz, corner dropkick, lines up for the coup de grace, FUCKING WYATT CUT and bray pushes him off the top and hits sister abigail, than vanishes in another cut

what the actual fuck is going on

and miz crawls over to pin finn and carry on the dean/miz feud

so coming out of that, we have dean/miz (fun), joe/seth (great), and bray/finn (HYPE HYPE HYPE)

that was a great match, capping off a really good episode and setting up a load of good feauds

i am a happy shitposter

and we fade on miz and maryse embracing on the ramp, finn seething in the ring, and ofiicials checking on seth slumped against the barricade like what's going on did i win

wow

*exhales*

with a perhaps-vain hope that that momentum will continue, i'm gonna go get a drink (i think we all need one), and then we're going to SMACK MONDAY AFTERNOON DOWN!

(wait no, it's monday afternoon smackdown)

(daniel, can you *please* stop delivering my memos in jigsaw form)

and in my case, that drink is a carton of strawberry-flavoured soya milk, because i'm hardcore

but yes

downsmackery

we open with video from earlier, with jinder doing a triumphal photoshoot with the belt

until shane turns up like ahem don't think that's yours

jinder scowls, cut to titles

apparently jinder's fighting sami later

burlesque!lana is in the titles, despite never having actually turned up

and the show proper opens with the commissioner soft-shoeing his way in, as usual

shane does a cheap pop, so at least now i know where we are

(fresno, for the record)

shane does a big intro for smackdown's latest bescarfed title-holder

oh my god he should replace the belt with a championship scarf

make it happen, wwe

scrotumhat on announce somehow draws a straight line from jericho beating the rock and stone cold to being here tonight

jericho gives us a smack it down, maaaaaaaaaan, even i groan

shane cuts to the chase, announces that kevin's getting his rematch tonight

so naturally, here comes aj styles?

this is about par for the course for smackdown disjointedness, to be fair

the crowd try to do duelling chants for aj and chris, can't pull it off

sort your shit out, fresno

aj reminds us that y2aj was a thing long enough to make shirts

and aj's looking forward to taking the belt of chris or kevin at backlash, whichever

chris has taken over the face of america thing, and they love him for it for some reason

aj makes the list for not believeing in chris's chances

or he nearly does

jericho cocks the pen, cue kevin

who's still got the face of america entrance and gear, because why not

promises to give chris even worse shit than at mania or the festival of friendship #neverforget

and goes to aj like the fuck are you even doing here get out of my ring

aj shrugs, leaves the ring, runs up the ramp to beat the piss out of him

officials run in, end segment

later we have naomi/charlotte v natalya/carmella, but next, jinder/sami with the singhs lurking nearby but not going to do anything no sir

announce team let us know that, per the shane, aj is banned from ringside for the match tonight

but nLET'S GO

recap from talking smack, when baron beat him into a brief coma for daring to have an interview spot when he didn't

and enter the jinder, accompanied by the singhs and their tacky shirts

slideshow of the house of horrors fallout

in which tom phillips confirms that he does not know what 'abscond' means

bell rings, begin the wristlock party

jinder's got new gear, and now he has a scrotum flower as well as an asshole mandala

jinder has realised the secret technique where you can just not let go after a rainmaker, so he just does a bunch of them to sami in a row

sami's getting beaten to death, but you should know that

it's the opening three-quarters of a sami zayn match

has anyone ever tried just pushing sami over and pinning him without hitting him at all?

he may actually be a 90s JRPG boss

sami finally flywheels up, hits a crossbody

lines up another move, sunil gets up and distracts him, near-fall

really weird tornado ddt there

not even sure who was going for it

sami goes for a helluva kick, sunil pulls jinder out of the way (not a dq for some reason), sami lines up for a tope, samir grabs his legs for a distraction, jinder hits a full nelson slam for the pin

so yeah, sami has the attention span of a lab rat on experimental stimulants

but now, becky runs into the welcoming committee backstage

nattie tries to sell her on charlotte being evil and taking becky's title shots

becky's like hmm let me think about it

huh

not how i'd expect her to react

and they all just walk off

and fade

to the advert for shinsuke, and by extension backlash

or not, it was just shinsuke

pan out to dolph watching that video and bitching to some randomers about shinsuke and the managment

naturally, shane is right behind him throughout

dolph doesn't give a shit

promises to show us all what will happen to shinsuke by killing sin cara later

but now, aiden english gets a song about how great he is

i miss gotch

sad face

tye's entrance hits during the song

aiden is unimpressed

bell rings, aiden blindsides tye while he's still taking his shirt off

which is really either tye's own fault or the timekeeper's

*shrug*

it still doesn't help much, because when did aiden english win anything

and tye does a facebuster variation of the tye breaker for the pin

within like two minutes

sigh

aiden proceeds to have a freakout in the ring

all together now

YOOOOOOOOU

DID THIIIIIIIS

TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

and just cut away, sure, whatever

but now renee interviews chris backstage

aiden walks past crying, chris stops the interview to tell him to stop crying on smackdown because life is good and also if you don't you make the list

chris leaves so much of a pause that i'm beginning to think he's forgotten what happens

puts aiden on the list, he bursts out crying again, puts renee on the list just cos, walks off

because...babyface?

sure

moving on

let's spin a recap of the women's match last week

and now dasha has charlotte in the tv-and-curtains-limbo backstage

charlotte's like sure i'm tagging with naomi tonight but i'm still gonna fuck her up for the belt

carmella appears, followed by the rest of the welcoming committee

they beat on her and throw her into some crates, tamina shouts at her, james stands at the back like yeeeeeeeeeah, cut away

and now we have that match

naomi's entrance continues to be fucking awesome

now accessorising with a hooded coat with a fluorescent lining

huh, apparently we're sponsored by rocket league tonight

finally, one i can get behind

we go directly from that intro into natalya's

the whole committee comes out, because apparently this is all of their music

apparently charlotte's music hit during the break but she never turned up

so yeah, handicap match

bell rang and everything

carmella tries talking shit, so naomi kicks her legs in half

lands her kick rush combo, nattie tags in

does a really weird springboard drop on naomi

kind of backfires, because it ended with naomi sitting down, which is her power stance

so nattie follows up by smacking her face into the stairs

carmella tags in, has naomi in a headlock while shouting "YOU WANNA KICK ME?"

which seems tactically questionable

because as it turns out, she does indeed want to kick her

naomi and natalya take each other down, charlotte's music hits

hobbles up the ramp, gets ready to tag in

naomi gets the tag, charlotte opens by sprinting across the ring and punching carmella off the apron

goes for the figure four, broken by a briefly-returning carmella

takes it to nattie again, carmella runs in, gets kicked in the head, but provides the distraction for nattie to discus elbow charlotte

cut for ads, and carmella's got the upper hand on charlotte again

goes for the bronco buster, charlotte dodges so she crotches herself and then tags naomi in

naomi aggressively sits down at, and then on, carmella

nattie distracts the ref and ellsworth distracts naomi, carmella gets a rollup and a handful of tights for the pin

the rest of the committee immediately come in to beat on the good guys

and here comes a becky

runs into the ring, then stands there, caught in indecision

ooh, heel becky would be interesting

and she says she's in

and goes for a handshake

shakes hands with the girls, asks james for a hug, then throws him at the other three to join the light side of this brawl

which goes well until tamina punches her in the head

more beating ensues, the four of them stand over their fallen foes

so that run-in went well

dramatic video about how great the new day are

(spoiler: thery're p great)

including them riding a cg unicorn

but now, here's sin cara in a teal morphsuit

doesn't even get an entrance, because it's sin fucking cara

and here comes douche ziggler

to punish sin cara's abhorrent fashion choices

on the other hand, sin cara hits a lovely springboard crossbody like fuck you gran metalik

does the lucha arms, the crowd aren't particularly into it

so he's like fuck you fresno, throws dolph out of the ring and then suicide dives him

dolph manages to turn things around, because sin cara

crowd still aren't really into it

mostly chanting for shinsuke

and...sin cara does a single-leg deadlift powerbomb?

huh

strange eons

goes for a springboard moonsault, dolph gets the knees up, then a really lazy superkick for the pin

well, that match happened

but now, main event time

after more burlesque

still "coming soon"

and also before that, a bit for fresno state university and noam telling us to watch 205

and a law and order parody for the fashion police

in which tyler doesn't get typewriters

fandango enters with a dossier on all the crimes of the usos

tyler pins a backlash to the evidence board

they get called away for more fashion crimes

and scene

that was...deeply strange

and also way funnier than you'd think

but actually actually now, it's main event time

here comes chris and his fairy light scarf

talking smack will feature the welcoming committee, aj. chris, and kevin

so that'll go well

enter kevin, and the face on the floor still does him no favours

anamorphism ho!

oh for fuck's sake

before we can actually have this match, here's a slideshow of their payback match, sponsored by a brand of chicken that we don't know enzo's sexual opinions on

and some long-ass intros

(we love you gregg)

START THE FUCKING MATCH ALREADY

chris hogans at the crowd a bit, because we've agreed to let him get away with that

chris stamps on the legendary finger a bit, then smacks it on the steps

dude, you know he has nine others that all perform the same function, right?

i'd be narrating more of the action, but let's be honest, it's the same match as mania and payback

but hey, it's a good match

chris goes for a top rop axe handle, kevin counters by gut-punching him out of the air

(punching him in the gut, that is)

(he did not take him out of the air with his gut)

(he is not king kong bundy)

goes for a lionsault, doesn't connect because duh

but now gets him in the walls again

goes for the rope, let down by the injured finger, then goes like oh wait i have two and grabs it with his other hand

jericho counters a popup powerbomb into a spike piledriver, because it's apparently head trauma week

and straight into the walls again

much roaring later, kevin makes it to the rope

slides out, jericho tries to follow him, only to eat a superkick and then a ddt on the ramp

gets back into the ring, superkicks him again, still can't get a pin

kevin picks chris up by the ears, takes a moment to shout at him, nearly goes down to a rollup

and then popup powerbomb for the win

well, that title flip accomplished its purpose

namely, of making sure jericho is in as many ppvs as possible

he'll be back at raw in time for the next one

kevin leaves the ring with the belt as terrible medics run past him to check on chris

kevin is seemingly annoyed that they're not coroners, so runs back in to beat on him some more

and yell YOU WERE NEVER MY BEST FRIEND in his face

awwww

clearly lots of complex emotions bubbling under there

he walks off up the ramp with his belt, we get a really long shot of officials and medics carrying chris out

only for kevin to run back down, hit him again, stamp on the back of his neck, then put his head through a chair and slam it into the post

dude

that's a legit murder

and fade on chris going bleeeeeeeeeurgharrgahgblblb

as he does so well

and next, i'mma watch talking smack

but you're not

nerrrrrrrrrr

*backs out of the room, pointing at you with her tongue out*

#Wrestling #WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown

2 notes · View notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - Happening in a Car Park in Louisiana

Transmission date: Monday 24/Tuesday 25 April 2017

SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAWbot roll call!

Hardcam! Charly! Chris Jericho! Joooooooe!

(so yeah, no prizes for guessing what i've been watching)

we open with a really creepy slow zoom on braun

huh

to open a recap package of the ongoing braun v roman v furniture feud

and also the match with show

and the ring collapse spot which is totally new and nobody has ever done before you guys

and roll titles

ooh, good to see they've re-edited the titles for the roster update

holy fuck that's a lot of pyro

calm down, kansas city

either cole's mic massively glitched there or he's secretly a dalek

tonight, we have...braun/kalisto in a dumpster match?

o...k?

well, that'll be a thing

but now, here's a jericho

sparkly jacket, no christmas scarf

and we're opening with the highlight reel

chris announces it as the last ever highlight reel on raw, cos he's totally going to win you guys

(no he isn't)

so he's being his own charismatic sexy guest

which so far consists entirely of him making fun of kevin's appearance

come on chris, you can do better than that

well, in any case, here's miz to stop him

and maryse, wearing a floral dress, which is out of character

looks nice, it's just weird to see her with a print

miz informs us all that raw is unfortunately no longer jericho

(his words)

chris does the longest ...it ever

miz is apparently here to cancel the highlight reel and turn it into miztv

so now we get to watch the process of them changing the set

chris takes some persuading to move out of the way of the techs changing the carpet

miz makes it like six words into the miztv intro before dean turns up

talkshow wars vol. 3

dean forgoes words for just stamping on the ring steps like a kangaroo on meth to fire up the crowd

dean objects to the miz's broadcasting practices, calls him a stupid idiot

and gets the techs to change the set again

now this is the ambrose asylum

are there any more shows left?

what, is edge up next?

dean is here to talk about the healing power of forgiveness

and remind us all of the last talkshow wars feud

which i could do without

dean has got chris a gift to apologise for killing the original sparkly jacket

it's a blazer wrapped in fairy lights

dean says try it on maaaaaaaaaan, huge pop

miz breaks in like the fuck is happening in my ring

chris puts the jacket on, miz objects in his capacity as arbiter of fashion

it's a testament to chris and miz's talking skills that this ridiculous segment seems to be over as fuck

miz says everyone should be giving him gifts, dean shrugs and gives him a shiny new dirty deeds

and wanders off

and chris puts maryse on the list for being married to miz

seems harsh

we call that 'getting clintoned'

somebody's mic cuts incredibly loudly over everything

seriously, who did the audio on this episode and have they been fired yet

but up now, we have sheamus up against matt hardy, presumably cos he was jealous after last week

i talk shit about nostalgia a lot, but hearing the hardy boyz music kick in still gives me a moment

matt does a single delete wave, cos you can't trademark a horizontal line

sheamus isn't quite fanboying as hard as cesaro was, but it's a close thing

matt side effects sheamus on the apron so hard it fucks cole's mic up

cut to ads, during which sheamus apparently didn't give a shit and is now doing ten beats of the bodhrán

and the laziest top rope diving punch

matt ddts sheamus off the second rope, briefly kills both of them

matt mounts a comeback, delete chants erupt as he mashes sheamus' face into each turnbuckle

big team xtreme hands into an elbow drop on sheamus

matt works the crowd into a delete chant

is he doing that gesture too much

who can say

goes for a twist of fate, sheamus reverses into a rolling senton at ringside

kicks jeff, who takes umbrage at this

cesaro gets into an argument with him, and twist of fate off the distraction for the pin

cesaro is having a massive argument with the hardyz

sheamus tries to calm him down and accept the fault

goes for a handshake again

cesaro begrudgingly does the same

the hardyz accept, and shockingly nothing happens

sportsmanship wins, everybody is happy

huh

cut to kurt on the phone, talking about the dumpster match

pan over to miz, whose cut his call off

he's angry that miztv didn't happen

kurt's like dude, it was never even scheduled

and gives him a match against chris and dean

with a partner of his choice

maryse rants at him in french, they storm off, cut to ads

and now, purple rope fun

(is my new manga)

neville vs tjp?

that seems odd

oh right

it's a tag match

that makes a lot more sense

vs jack, and presumably austin

jack has his watermelon pants on

and yeah, here's austin

storms up the ramp, jack holds him back like mate he's not worth it

austin convinces him he is, they storm the ring and start kicking the shit out of the heels

neville and tjp get tossed out of the ring, both land really unpleasantly

cut to ads, come back and this match is apparently on

booker mispronounces gallagher, corey surprisingly doesn't jump on him

i guess if we started policing booker saying unintelligible shit, we'd be here all week

austin tags in, hits tj with all his big spots in about 2.6 seconds

and suicide dive to both of them

and last chancery

austin is not here for the long haul

neville breaks it up, jack takes it to him

chins neville to death, austin discus fivearms tj, match end, everyone go home

this is such a pre-ppv epsiode

corey takes a moment to explain the joke in 'discus fivearm'

but up next, the dumpster match

(whatever the fuck that might be)

yep, there's certainly a dumpster by the ring

oh right, it's a nodq match where you have to put them in the dumpster to win

so basically a casket match

another way in which braun is basically the edgier undertaker of our time

(controversial opinion)

dramatically opens the casket, stares into it like he dropped a contact lens

oh hey, he's got a mic

calls the entire audience trash, half of them cheer

apparently kalisto will here represent all the viewers

*gets dropped in a skip*

and he also represents roman

versatile symbol, that man

cut backstage, where kurt is both encouraging kalisto and making sure he wants to do this very stupid thing

kalisto has really cool new gear

and new music

still lucha lucha, but early-00s nu metal style

this is the 90s comics version of kalisto

apparently this is the first time in 17 years we've had a dumpster match

wonder why that could be

braun is getting kicked a lot

kalisto using the standard much smaller man strategy

lovely swinging jawbreaker

so braun just catches him off the second rope, holds him vertical for a bit, then just hurls him to the opposite corner of the ring

having him against the super-throwable kalisto just makes braun look even bigger and stronger than usual

tries to dumpster kalisto, he reverses on the ropes and almost dumps braun

never gonna happen, but this is more of a nshowing than i expected

so braun resumes to throwing and kicking

and just running into him at high speed, because you don't need technique when you're the size of a small building

the crowd disagree over whether they want roman

braun goes for the dumpster again, kalisto remembers how to block moves

braun goes for a gorilla presson him, kalisto reverses, kicks through the ropes and knocks braun into the dumpster for the win

huh

braun lands still standing, and the dumpster goes up to like his thighs

oddly funny

braun is piiiiiiiiissed

gets back in the ring, starts doing big one-handed slams on kalisto

and throws him bodily out of the ring

feels like he should probably have done that *before* losing the match

follows him out, throws him into the barricade

and into the dumpster he goes

braun slams the lid, crowd are at odds over whether this is a good thing

and braun takes the dumpster with him up the ramp

he does just collect torture dummies

officials appear from backstage like the fuck are you doing braun maybe don't

so he pushes it at them

seems fair

takes a moment to strap it shut and lock it

and high-speed pushes it off the stage

way less impressive or hilarious than v1.0

officials finally intervene to get kalisto out of there

cut to ads

cut back, and let's recap like the whole segment

so many angles of the dumpster crash

cut back to the present, sudden medics are stretchering kalisto away

and the announcers are like the fuck is this guy

and also btw look at my interview with roman on our facebook just sayin

long follow on kalisto's stretcher, just so kurt can stand by it and look aghast

apparently we'll see that interview later

cos fuck the interne*loses connection*

but now, a video package on how great roman is

also a bunch of filler, because that'd be short as fuck

wyatt cut

bray is delivering another sermon to randy

or maybe it's the same one

it's been going all this time, and we just periodically cut in and out of it

more vague threats about the house of horrors

i feel like it's going to be impossible for it to live up to the hype

apparently randy will never leave the house

fuck, payback's gonna be even longer than mania

does his messiah pose, crossfade to video of fire, wyatt cut to ads

come back, and it's dana/alicia

for whatever reason

and alicia has some kind of crazy new superhero gear

i can't really offer an opinion

it's strange

emma is here, just lurking

booker starts talking, his mic is not on

i'm all for this

shit, someone fixed it

alicia does a northern lights as like her first spot

wasn't that meant to be her finisher?

anyway, brief match, dana does a michinoku driver for the pin, guess we're done

emma sidles into the ring next to her

gives her a hug

dana's like um the fuck

and emma's just like awwww i love you too and wanders off

i love how unencumbered she is by sense and reason

apparently the house of horrors match will start in bray's house of horrors but end up in the ring?

*frantically props up her suspended disbelief*

so this is the bit where the announcers tell us the card for payback

but now, charly interviews joe and gallows and anderson

who are apparently fighting enzo/cass/seth tonight

joe does a philosophical monologue about the nature of victory, anderson calls enzo a buttnugget

such a natural team

joe promises to come for the rest of seth's ligaments tonight

so we may be here a while

so that match is now

judging by the presence of enzo and cass

enzo gets through his monologue before the bad guys appear out of the crowd

joe drags cass into the crowd, the club magic killer enzo at ringside

seth appears to be a hero

and cass makes it back in

those two fend off the heels, then run to check on zo

cut to ads, and now kurt is here

announcing their replacement tag partner

and it is

*does the arms*

well this is trading up by any standards

now i want aj to turn up for the full reunion

brawl starts immediately

clears out enough for them to start the match with cass/gallows

seth tags in for one move, then finn tags

holy shit, i've just imagined seth and finn fighting the hardyz

and i am here for that like you would not believe

joe tags in, starts punching finn in all his ligaments

anderson gets finn in an armbar, and there goes all the momentum in the match

tags gallows in, who beats even more piss out of finn

apparently since finn replaced enzo, he inherits his punching bag status

seth tags in, starts cleaning house

does a sling blade, and i want that tag team even more

cass kicks gallows out of the ring, seth suicide dives joe and anderson

finn dropkicks joe into the barricade, seth hits anderson with a diving clothesline, goes for the pedigree, long beat, he shakes his head and does a really cool short-arm jumping knee to the head for the pin instead

are we finally changing his finisher away from that of his nemesis

it'll be nice to stop complaining about that

according to corey, seth had a "moment of inflection"

sure

cut backstage, miz is hunting a partner

appeals to sheamus and cesaro, who are both like um fuck you? and walk off

and now we have an angry ex-sparkle fairy

recap of alexa stealing the contendership last week

and she has a mic

this is pretty much always a good thing

and immediately mocks the concept of people talking

um, hate to break it to you...

starts talking about bayley being motivational, pauses to throw up in her mouth

crowd do the what thing, she manages to respond without looking stupid

and now here comes bayley

here to teach alexa an important lesson about gossip

and also like um if i'm all talk what's with this shiny belt

alexa is like oh hey is payback in your home town i didn't realise this is going to be even more fun when i fuck your shit up

god, i love her

asks bayley if she's ever even kissed a boy

we've gone full playground again, but alexa can still kind of pull it off

rants some more, but here comes a sasha

doesn't even get to talk before alexa starts ripping on her too

i can't describe this particular trashtalk-off in any way that'd capture the beauty of it

so much is in alexa's reaction faces

greatest actress in the industry right there

sasha challenges alexa to a match now, she's just like what no i've actually got a match this weekend and you've gone sliiiiightly crazy lately

sasha's just like well you know what *coldcocks*

advert for smackdown, insert usual moan

but now we have that match, because it is totally happening

and bayley's on announce

corey's like hey bayley so let's be serious how bad will it be when you lose at home this weekend

meanwhile, there's a really good match happening

sasha gets a bank statement, alexa manages to get a foot on the rope

leaves the ring, stands there shouting at sasha for a while

then struts backwards up the ramp, staring daggers at sasha

sasha wins by countout, alexa doesn't give the smallest fraction of a shit

heads backstage, bayley grabs her by the hair and drags her down the ramp

alexa gets away, runs backstage

bayley turns to sasha like hey what a bitch and alexa runs back out and blindsides here

sasha chases her off, and end segment

and now, chris and dean talk in the locker room

dean wants his name off the list so they can move forward as friends

chris is like dude you still owe me $15,000 and you powerbombed me into thumbtacks that time

dean just like fair, but in my defence, it was really cool

chris seems to accept this along with his new jacket, crosses deans's name out

dean gets very pumped, walks off, chris gets the pen back out and writes him on it again

and smirks like no human

apparently on payback we have enzo and cass v the club, and miztv with finn

but now charly is backstage tto promote the marine 5 with heath and curtis

miz interrupts almost instantly, starts canvassing with those two for a tag partner

curtis is like no, heath says ummm i've got a partner

rhyno looms out of the shadows with his cheese and crackers

starts offering them around

maryse throws them over him

he's like okaaaaay no cracker for you

runner arrives with a note for miz, and apparently he has an awesome tag partner

is it past miz

cut away to the ring, and here's curt hawkins doing his open challenge star factory thing

who's going to kill him this week

apollo, being like hey guys i'm on raw

he really needs to work out what to do with his entrance

and image

and persona

and career

curt gets one kick in before apollo starts dodging everything and glitching all over the place

i'm kind of waiting for him to t-stand and sink through the floor

duelling chants for apollo and curt, with like half a dozen people on each side

this is the pissbreakest of pissbreak matches

curt gets a bit more offence before apollo unloads a bunch of his spots and sitout powerbomb for the pin

titus appears to raise apollo’s hand

oh wait, is he going to be on as his manager?

i could see that working

the man can't talk

titus does a pep talk and takes a selfie with him

but next, updates on the braun/roman/kalisto situation

corey is theorising whether miz's partner will be vin diesel or chris hemsworth

i'm going with 'no'

but now, recaps of the dumpster chronicles

apparently kalisto has suffered "hip and cervical trauma"

that's some good nonspecific hurt there

snippets of that interview on the website

it's basically yeah my brother is dead and braun put me in the hospital but i'mma still fuck him up because i'm roman reigns big dog woof

so the usual

and now a video package of the history of the brauman feud

can we not save these for the ppvs?

well this is long as fuck

oh thank christ, it's done

austin is backstage with kurt, giving him an unspecified great idea for 205

gives him a banana, leaves

kurt walks into miz and maryse, who refuse to say who his partner is

you wouldn't know him

he's from canada

elias samson wanders through frame, idly strumming

kurt's like ok, interesting choice

miz is like what fuck no not that guy i don't even know who that is

have i mentioned how much i love elias' new gimmick as some kind of meme?

cut for ads, and now it's that match

(the tag match, not elias)

chris enters wearing the new jacket, dean's standing in the ring like hey dude nice jacket

miz and maryse turn up, and now they're in fight mode, maryse has changed into a leather vest and cape

and miz is in his hardcore monk robe

as usual

i still miss the mania jacket

miz has his piece of paper

does a big intro

foooooor

nobody arrives

tries again

just say you're tagging with god, it worked before

miz is like welllllll looks like my partner's running late we're gonna have to cancel the match bye guys

here comes a kurt

presumably not to tag with miz

that would not be popular

he's just like miz dude can you follow simple instructions you have a match do the thing

walks off, miz is unimpressed

and chris and dean unload on him

including jericho unzipping miz's robe to hit him in the chest

cut for ads, when the match apparently actually started

i say 'match', this is just two men beating on the miz

miz stops dean by pleading on his knees for the sake of his beautiful face

tries to talk his way out of the match

goes for the handshake

gets annoyed at dean taking so long to decide, slaps him instead

how to win friends, people

they leave the ring, so maryse can run interference while miz gets some offence in

miz does the yes kicks, seems offended when the crowd take a while to adopt the chant

ambrose just clotheslined himself, if you believe cole

but in any case, jericho tags in

lionsault connects, because apparently we've left the purview of that curse

miz tries to run away up the ramp, dean chases him down and gets him on the announce table

sets up for something, wyatt cut, and miz is replaced by bray

who commences to beating on dean

jericho tries to intervene, bray and miz both beat him up

but miz looks as scared of bray as anyone else

they take chris to the ring, he manages to codebreaker miz, but bray sister abigails him

miz gets up and does a victory pose with him, lovely slow burn as bray looks at him like the fuck mate, and then sister abigails him too

because bray has no friends

kneels over miz, wyatt cut, end of the show

but hey, payback's tomorrow night and i should probably get caught up beforehand, so how does some SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN sound?

(damn good, is how it sounds)

(also quite similar to an English girl talking shit for an hour and a half)

(but daniel'll fix that with the overdub)

we're in des moines, and opening with renee in the ring

introducing shinsuke

aaaaand i just hurt my neck dancing to his intro

no comment

in other news, he's wearing a tshirt, which is just weird to see

but it's a cool shirt

renee gets half a sentence into the first question of this interview, hit dolph's music

he's out here in a full suit and tie

which doesn't mesh well with the asshole ponytail

or the asshole face, to be honest

shinsuke holds the ropes open for renee to leave, because he's a lovely man

dolph starts asking facetious questions, then letting shinsuke say like two words before 'translating' for him

dolph has added 'kind of racist' to his usual list of twatness

and now...he's claiming shinsuke is actually michael jackson?

i really don't get this

this is in strange taste in a whole bunch of ways

side note: dolph is wearing a floral shirt and a tartan tie

this is bad

shinsuke steals the mic

gives dolph one question

"What is your problem?"

translates into japanese

and i speak enough japanese to get him calling dolph a jackass

the crowd don't love it, but i appreciate that

dolph tries to attack him, shinsuke reverses into a massive suplex and poses as he runs away

i'm enjoying this slow-burning feud

later we have naomi/charlotte, but next it's styles/corbin

and kevin's on announce, so we all know how much attention i'll be paying to the actual match

corbin is from KC, so presumably wishing he was on raw this week

come to think of it, so is randy, so you'd've thought they'd have done smackdown there

byron asks kevin how he's going to prepare for sunday, kevin's just like shut your fucking mouth byron chris jericho could just watch this show why would i tell you how i'm preparing

meanwhile, baron kicks aj through the ropes to ringside

this match is basically just baron doing all his big spots and aj kicking out anyway because fuck you i'm aj styles

i still really enjoy that choke backbreaker, it's just a shame it's attached to baron corbin

baron sets up for a superplex, aj gets out and counters into a pele kick

turns this into a whole comeback thing, and kevin's like yeah whatever aj styles ain't shit

aj goes for a styles clash but baron sandbags it, likewise a calf crusher

kevin objects to the referee's officiating, comes to the ring, aj kicks him in the head

baron dodges a phenomenal forearm, goes for a powerbomb, aj gets a rollup for the pin

kevin immediately starts kicking the piss out of aj, baron joins in, whLET'S GO

kevin runs away, so we get to see sami fight baron instead for once

hits him with a helluva kick, when kevin reappears to blindside him

and then popup powerbomb aj and pose over him with the belt

but now we're in the locker room, where dasha interviews charlotte

apparently she has gold running through her veins

is her father actually depressed gold colonel sanders

but up next, alpha/colóns in a beat the clock contendership match

i don't love beat the clock things

but hey

wwe doesn't consult my preferences, or it's just be esoteric story beats all show

insert card with the rules for beat the clock challenges, because they're not exactly intuitive

i like the new colóns music

sure, it's just a heavier remix of the shining stars theme, but it's good

commence the clock

apparently the other match is breezango/ascension

so i can't imagine where this is going

cut to the usos watching the match on the enormous tv that's taking up lots of valuable locker room space

but yeah

beat the clock matches just turn into the battle of the cheap pins, and that's never particularly good to watch

and this match is bearing that out

american alpha's decline from glory exactly parallels the fading of the 2 unlimited chant

i blame american crowds

these long-ass rest holds do not belong in your beat the clock match

this timer is just to see how long it takes to finally get to the hot tag to jason where he kills everyone

primo knows this, so punches jj off the apron

the colóns set chad up for their double backstabber, but jj bodychecks primo out of the way and brings the most beautifully fluid grand amplitude out for the pin

cutaway to the usos again like yeah american alpha ain't shit

up next, orton/rowan no-dq match

was this advertised at all?

because i would have thought i'd be interested

but before that, apparently rusev is responding

but before *that*, a coming soon video for the new day

byron is excited, but tom is like hmm where could rusev be

ooh, he sent in a video earlier today

wow, listen to that accent

apparently he doesn't like shane or bryan, so he's not coming on smackdown unless he gets a championship match at mitb

oddly specific

and otherwise he's going back to bulgaria

huh

but now, dasha interviews becky on the whole charlotte/everyone else sitch

she disapproves of charlotte's methods, but also of this

so here are the welcoming committee to implicitly threaten

nice goggles, shame if anything happened to them

even ellsworth gets a taunt

then they all sidle away, leaving becky like where the fuck do you people come from this room was locked

(we can only assume)

but now, it's randy v erick

a match that sounds like it should be happening in a car park in louisiana

also, i keep expecting randy's evil music and getting mildly weirded out when it isn't any more

even given that he's had this music for so much longer

but hey, that's me

and here comes rowan, who wins the music contest hands down

and has a new titantron

ambient video of barns and plants and countryside and shit

(no actual shit)

(as far as i can tell, i mean, it's the countryside)

(any given field is about 30% shit on average)

and we're off

takes about 0.04 seconds for this to leave the ring

which is all as it should be

randy takes the time to personally introduce rowan's face to all available surfaces

such a courteous host

rowan goes back to the ring, throws dropkicks like it ain't no thang

when it becomes clear that randy also considers them no thang, he gets a kendo stick instead

when that pin doesn't work either, he goes for a table

sets it up at ringside, which is always a bad idea

tries to suplex randy over the ropes, but he blocks it, punches him a punch, hits him with the kendo stick and oh would you look at that what a surprise

some very slow brawling later, randy does the draping ddt thing

strikes up the snake, rowan just ignores the rko

gets the ring steps, hits rowan with them as they make the resonant WHONG of very light hollow aluminium

wedges a chair in the turnbuckle, which is even more of a terrible plan

takes about six seconds for randy to bullfight him into it, rko for the pin

well, that was...super formulaic

and now randy has a mic

wooooo

"Now I don't exactly know what a House of Horrors match is, but I get a feeling that on Sunday, I'm gonna find out."

well...yes

because you're IN ONE ON SUNDAY YOU CHARISMA-DEFICIENT PLASTICINE-SCULPTED TWAT

...ahem

randy promises bray that the house of horrors match is going to be his eternal hell

which seems like bray'd be into that, tbh

randy poses with the belt, hit...jinder's music

here he is to shout at randy for overlooking him

did he always wear that turban?

to be fair, it rusev does fuck off back to bulgaria, nobody will notice, because jinder has stepped seamlessly into his gimmick

dramatically removes his turban, so i have to assume he can hear me through time

hey jinder

jinder announces he will address the rest of this promo to his people, carries on in punjabi

tries to coldcock randy, gets counter-coldcocked

randy tries to set him up for the draping ddt, when he gets grabbed by the bollywood boyz

(who are not the shining stars, sorry past readers)

(daniel, i thought you were meant to be catching those mistakes)

all three beat on randy a while, then jinder does his full nelson slam and leaves with the title belt

the announce team are entirely baffled by the concept that someone would ever take something that doesn't rightfully belong to them

and fade

naomi/charlotte is our main event, but up next it's beat the clock part 2

after a lana burlesque video

or is she lanalina or some bullshit now

wait, why are the announcers calling the bollywood boys the singh brothers now?

was sihra not unambiguously foreign enough?

shot of the indian contingent leaving in a ridiculous white limo, with jinder holding the belt and standing out of the sunroof

but now, breezango v ascension

tyler's doing his selfie stick entrance again, which is a nice bit of nostalgia for when he got to do well

bell rings, viktor punches tyler's head off and goes for the pin

that would have been fucking hilarious if he hadn't kicked

the usos are still watching the match and drinking

you'd think if they were going to be doing it this long, they'd have got chairs

given how little trouble they all usually have finding steel folding chairs in every nook and cranny

three minutes left, and the ascension are just riding roughshod over fandango

...and i say that...

ascension set up fandango for a fall of man, tyler pulls konnor out of the way, supermodel kicks viktor into a falcon arrow by fandango for the pin with 2:36 remaining

so...yeah, guess we've got new contenders

although it could mean they're turning face, since they're up against the usos now

i like tyler as a kind of anti-heroic smug douche babyface

he could always pull it off so much better than dolph

they're standing halfway up the ramp, completely freaking out over the fact that they won

yeah, the genuine surprise there feels like a babyface decision

so we can spin them into the underdogs

well, they're on talking smack, so i guess we'll see there

oh, but it's cohosted by that twat

ugh

advert for 205, cunningly disguised as neville promising to kill a man

and now let's have a jerkily-intercut video package about a man getting revenge on the douche who burnt his house down and desecrated the resting place of his god

someone has had so much fun cutting all this creepy footage together

some video editor has told wwe management "Let me make packages like this, or I'm fucking off to Impact"

is it just me, or was the HoH match originally going to be for the title?

feels like they've backed off from that over the last few weeks

but now, renee interviews naomi

who reveals that charlotte, surprisingly, ain't shit

and makes a valiant effort to bring coloured visor shades back

i want to live in the fluorescent future naomi is presaging

she still looks so excited to be holding that belt

charlotte is still back in her dad's robe, and once you've seen that the central screen of her tron just says HARLOT, you can't un-notice it

and we're still not completely sure if she has a surname or not

naomi corner bulldogs charlotte out of the ring, so she responds by dropping her off the apron

charlotte, please can you keep your voice down when you're calling spots for once

i try not to listen for them, but i can hear yours from a different room

i love how 80% of naomi's spots end with her sitting on either the canvas or the ropes

she just aggressively sits down to win

and everything else is kicking them with mile-long legs until they die

casually spinkicks charlotte in the head, despite her being notably taller than her

rear view for a near-fall

clearly you will need more than a butt to win this

naomi goes for a headscissors, charlotte straight powers through to turn it into a powerbomb

goes up for a moonsault, hits it, but naomi had her knees up

which always seems like a good way to get your legs broken

and now here come the welcoming committee to beat on charlotte

to tell the truth, i quite like them as a team

ellsworth lurks behind them to occasionally go yeeeeeeeah so we know he's a badass

they pose over charlotte, hit nattie's music because clearly we know who's running this show

crowd want becky, as do i

but no, we just fade on them posing on the stage, charlotte lying in the ring, and naomi slumped against it cuddling her belt

i think this dynamic definitely has legs

especially when charlotte turns reluctant babyface and becky joins them

or not

not everything has to be balanced

hmmm

wait, i should stop giving all my booking secrets away for free

ummmmm...

play me off, daniel

*dances sideways through a window*

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

0 notes

grizzlefur · 7 years

Text

WWEm - The Meritocratic Republic of Smackdown

Don’t forget that Emma, who writes this stuff, can be found on Twitter as @Waruce.

Transmission date: Monday 17/Tuesday 18 April 2017

just according to keikaku, it's SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

we open on a recap video of the interview/murder of roman reigns last week, and i'm already giggling

this is like the fourth time i've watched it, and it's still great

cut to the arena, which is in ohio state university this week, anBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHHHHH

and...booker t is on announce?

because apparently otunga's off doing a movie

so for a few weeks we get aimless chat about ducks

hurrah

braun's just like yeah i killed roman last week deal with it

he's proud to have stopped him coming tonight

the crowd agree

cue yes chants for a murder

promises to kill the rest of the roster, enter kurt to presumably suggest that he not do that

blue jeans and shirt jacket, because kurt angle is just like you and me

kurt's just like dude what exactly are you trying to prove

and giving us a brauman match at payback

braun's like fuck payback what about tonight

to which kurt takes the reasonable stance of 'you tried to kill your colleague, take the week off'

so braun threatens him with some more or else

and stomps off

later, we have sasha/nia/mickie/alexa contendership match, dean guesting on miztv, and jericho/joe

that latter is next

but first, here's seth for a presumably unrelated segment

now with robocop tights

hurt his knee so badly he just said fuck it and got robot ones

oh ok, he's on announce

i can get behind this

he can balance out the bookerness a bit

oh yeah, it's because we're setting up joe/seth at payback

enter some WOMP

points balefully at seth as he passes, seth sits there like hey dude go fuck yourself

recap video of kevin and joe fucking jericho up

it's so weird seeing jericho's new tron

and he's still got the amazing sparkly christmas scarf from mania

outstanding

graphic for kevin/chris at payback, kevin is shaven and in a suit and i'm still not ok with it

commence to fighting

seth does a bit about how much he wants all of samoa joe

d'awwww

joe tries to climb back into the ring, jericho springboard dropkicks him off the apron and he hits his chin on it on the way down

nice

the panel take a while to completeyl ignore the match and talk about seth's mania match

chris actually lands a lionsault properly, so maybe keep an eye out for rains of fire and ominous horsemen on your commute today

joe fucks a top rope splash, chris locks in the walls

joe says fuck going for the ropes, muscles out of it twice

and gets the coquina clutch on chris

jericho tries to get out of it by going up the turnbuckle, doesn't go well

and finally taps

weird anticlimax there as you see the spark of willpower die inside the forces of good

but to be fair, it's better than super quick tapping

joe immediately gets a mic so he can roar at seth

and do a monologue about the sound of him fucking seth's knee up

and how much he didn't care

and yet has memorised every sound of it and will monologue at a moment's notice

just keep telling yourself that, joe

apparently joe is also taking personally everything seth did to hunter and steph

seth gets on the announce table to shout back

says payback's a bitch, mild profanity gets a cheap pop as usual

cut to anderson and gallows walking backstage

past elias samson, idly strumming his guitar

what the actual fuck is going on with him

and cut to golden truth, who they're going to fight

until braun comes out of nowhere to kill them

punches r-truth in the face a bunch

we've all wanted to

throws him into a crate, and then officials turn up to shout him away

so yeah, guess that match isn't happening

cut for ads, and now he's in the locker room

a ref enters to tell him off

brave

ref reminds him he's suspended, braun's like fuck you i'm braun strowman

(his response to everything)

back to the arena, and the club are in the ring

but now anderson has a mic

makes a united airlines joke

and they're pissed they're not getting a match just because golden truth got fucked on

so here come enzo and cass

better, i guess

surprisingly mixed reactions from the crowd

would have thought a college audience would love these two

cass gets a cheap ohio pop

apparently they can see the future?

feels like they could do better things with that than pro wrestling

cole casually announces that dash broke his jaw and the revival will be off for eight weeks

fucking hell, guys

well, i guess if nothing else, the hardyz have proven that the best way to become over as fuck as a tag team is to be away for as long as possible

meanwhile, at ringside, cass takes anderson and gallows both down by throwing enzo at them

more like enzo ammunition, amirite

cut back from ads as enzo takes a boot of doom

so they leveraged that advantage well

i keep forgetting booker's on announce, he's speaking like once per match

this isn't some kickoff panel, that shit doesn't fly here

booker's sage advice to enzo is basically 'be bigger'

and now i'm imaginining enzo, but 6'5"

and it's weird

so yeah, currently we're in the sizable section of this match in which gallows and anderson fuck enzo up nine ways from tuesday

anderson hits a huge twisting spinebuster on enzo, because they are just inventing new ways to fuck him up

enzo gets his hail mary ddt, dramatic hot tag averted at the last second as anderson grabs his ankle

and then another one averted by enzo straight missing cass's hand

gj, guys

shockingly, botching a spot and then doing exactly the same thing again just draws attention to how badly you fucked it

enzo and cass try their finishing sequence, gets blocked by gallows, and then anderson does some kind of inverted snake eyes on enzo for the pin

commentators are all like what the shit was that

a sure-fire way to fuck up your knees, is what that was

video package in which cole tells us how excited we should be about mickie james

but next, miztv

after basically the same package, but for nia

so yes, here come the miz and maryse

miz has acquired a red three-piece suit, and...no

this is incorrect

recap video of dean being unable to recognise faces

more like prosopagnosiambrose, amirite

miz opens by basking in the boos for a while

but the crowd are still willing to shout the name of his show when prompted

make your minds up, ohio state

does an extended metaphor about boats, interrupted by dean's music

corey is deeply offended that dean has turned up on the show he was advertised for

dean immediately gets a mic to effusively thank miz for having him on the show

remember where these guys were a year ago?

dean's like let's be friends for the night we're both from ohio

because screw maryse

does some chants with the crowd

miz is just like dude what

so dean insults his clothes

but calls his suit 'maroon', so we can add colours to the list of things dean can't recognise

miz commences to monologue about how he's a star and dean's a dumpster raccoon

and why the fuck do the crowd love him

(miz's question, not mine)

miz is bitter about all the opportunities and exposure dean's had and why he hasn't leveraged them

implicit crack for having the worst-placed show at mania

shouts at dean for being lazy

dean gets up like yeah w/e, does a speech about authenticity and being real and being true to yourself

how is dean ambrose, hardcore trashpuncher, some kind of disney hero

apparently dean loves coughing up his own teeth

actual quote

that seems like a hobby you could only have for a limited time

closes by mocking miz for losing the ic belt to him

maryse starts talking before her mic's on

mocks dean for not really being a champion, miz starts ranting while dean empties his pockets and takes his jacket off at the other side of the ring

way to fail a spot check, mike

dean jumps him, knocks over the chair he's just put all his shit on

now you'll never find all those bits of tin foil and burnt-out fuses

brief scuffle, miz and maryse run away, dean throws a chair at them

but now backstage, braun is dragging kalisto by the arm

apparently he's leaving and taking him with him

changes his mind, throws him in a dumpster

big show appears to body check braun and shout at him

remember when kalisto was us champion?

now he's a prop in a big shouty beardy man feud

so later, we're having brig showman

but now, purple ropes and a smug fil-am guy

displaying the bold fashion choice of a sleeveless jacket that still has shoulderpads

corey is like hey i still dislike tj as a person, but at least he's being pleasingly evil

and his opponent, pasty moustache man

and jojo announces neville, "making a special appearance"

so what is this about

gets in the ring to glower at jack

and at tj

even if you are his subject, the king has glower to spare

neville sits in a random office chair by the ring

and hit austin's music

fuck it, it's a party

next up, the gobbledy gooker, with the cocktails

austin does his own entrance announcement, finds a chair and sits next to neville

the banana is back in the front pocket

austin offers neville some banana, so he gets up, glowers, and moves his chair as far away as possible

meanwhile, jackin the ring like fuck your holds i am the elastic man

this match is like 85% counters

jack dabs on tj, so he grabs william iii and throws it to the ground

mortal insult there

tj bullfights jack through the ropes, he hits the floor headfirst because he is committed to killing himself to sell moves

austin and neville continue to stare daggers at each other throughout

jack headbutts tj out of the ring, retrieves william to do the umbrella splash

only this time it's a bronco buster

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like for mary poppins to slam her crotch into you at great speed...maybe get out of my house

tj knocks jack into austin, then neville gets up and hits him with the belt

tj uses the distraction to hit jack in the eye, then detonation kick for the pin

neville stalks off to glower, tj hides behind him

aaaand then the video glitches so i lose like a minute

boooooo

cut back on tozawa and apollo in the locker room being enthusiastic

titus enters to congratulate apollo on being on raw and becoming a dad

offers his brand promotion services to make people actually give a shit about apollo crews

or in this case, apollo cruises, apollo blues, and apollo lawsuits

gives him his card, leaves

but now, dudeface #3 interviews the hardyz

matt is occupying a middle ground between his real voice and the broken accent

and they're basically still being team xtreme

boooo

sheamus and cesaro turn up to formally welcome them to raw

apparently tonight we have cesaro/jeff

sheamus is like hey guys we're gonna fuck you up, cesaro apologises for his ebullient friend

segment for the announce team to remind us again that booker is here

makes sense, given that he's not saying shit

brief video package for sasha, now here she is

so apparently, screw alexa

sasha still has her strap jacket on, and it is a thing of beauty

oh wait, alexa's from columbus

welp, guess she's winning this one

seconded by cole saying his money's on nia

cheers for the kiss of death there

bell rings, everyone starts fighting nia

alexa slaps her in the face, immediately regrets it and runs away

like a horsefly on a rhino

cut to bayley, watching the match on the huge tv that's in the locker room for some reason

mickie does a hurricanrana, cole informs us that she calls it a 'mickierana'

well of course she fucking does

mickie's entire shtick is replacing the first part of moves with her name

nia powerslams alexa, drops sasha on her, slams mickie on both of them

she keeps fucking all of them up, then just posing for a bit instead of going for the pin

sort it out, jax

goes for a tap instead, with an enormously long bearhug on sasha

sasha converts it into a guillotine-cum-octopus stretch, so nia suplexes her out of it

mickie tries to take nia down, so she just straight fucking strangles her

mickie converts it to an armbar, and nia actually goes down for once

at least i think that's what happened behind those flares

gets back up, throws mickie at sasha

alexa gets on the top rope, looks at nia, reconsiders

sasha takes nia out of the ring, cue bliss/james grudge match

until sasha returns to hand out some punches

and throw mickie into alexa before doing her double knees

goes for the pin, 2-count before nia drags her out

alexa and sasha argue about who owns this show, sasha does a bank statement but mickie breaks it up

they fight until nia returns

uses sasha to knock mickie off the turnbuckle, samoan drop on sasha, then alexa knocks her out of the ring just long enough to pin sasha herself

told you so

she struts up the ramp backwards while nia stand in the ring like dohhhhhh meddling kids

one day nia will win a thing

i can have hope

cut to charly interviewing show, which is just a fucking hilarious visual

having to stretch to get the mic up as far as show's beard

show delivers like three sentences about how he's gonna kill braun, stomps off

leaving time for this enormously long advert for the network

mostly notable for annoying me with the word 'whackier' [sic]

cut back from ads to curt hawkins, king of 'already in the ring'

takes credit for the fact that show fought him last week, and is main eventing this week

which is a nice touch

open challenge for 'curt hawkins' star factory'

so here comes finn which i totally called for some reason

*does the arms*

his arena entrance now has him coming out of a column of smoke, which is cool

also got a new tron, which makes him look like aleister black

which is not something i can complain about

they're both badass

bell rings, finn immediately commences to fucking curt all the way up

coup de grace for the pin within like 20 seconds

notably shorter than his entrance

is he the new goldberg

(please say no)

replay of the corner dropkick, and it's ugly as fuck

curt was miles from the corner, and hit it neck-first

this is not to the good

and corey actually pronounces 'coup de grace' correctly

thank fuck

up next, bray does a sermon to randy, who is notably not here

but now, dulé hill is in the crowd

finally someone i know

and an advert for his new show, which looks really cool

but now, dudeface #4 interviews jericho

who mostly lost to joe because he was still thinking about kevin

this is how to ruin all your new relationships, chris

jericho insults kevin's face, continues to protest too much

doesn't care which show he's on, apparently including nitro and velocity

i find those implausible

but jericho has his friends everywhere, even on shows that don't exist

jericho calls dudeface 'tom'

his name is mike

they do the whole duck season/rabbit season thing, jericho shouts at him for not knowing his own name

does the big windup to putting him on the list, when FUCKING ELIAS SAMSON wanders through the back of the shot, strumming his guitar

this meta-segment of his is amazing

where are his cheese slices

long beat, jericho says "Scratch that, you're off the hook"

outstanding

does a huge windup, puts samson on the list for disrupting his promo

that was amazing

but now, aggressive wyatt cut

bray does a sermon with lots of creepy intercutting

he wants to know what we're afraid of

i propose we don't tell him

apparently bray's house of horrors has all of randy's fears in it

and bray will take randy to hell, then bring him up to heaven purely so he can drop him from it again

seems harsh

and then he will burn the house of horrors down with randy in it

which is fair given the context, frankly

as the proverb says

live by the burning house, get a better estate agent

(this may not be the proverb i was looking for)

(fucking autocomplete)

up next, cesaro/jeff

but now, alicia fox shows dana her disgrace on 205 in the locker room

emma turns up to tell alicia that dana was laughing at her

alicia shouts at her and renounces dana's friendship

storms off

emma's like oh hey looks like i lied and destroyed your friendship oh well you wanted to stand on your own feet

what a bitch

i love her

but now, here are the dubiously-fixed hardyz

kilts vs detached sleeves

the ultimate fashion battle

sheamus keeps his kilt, cos why wouldn't you

not fighting, and hey, free kilt

brother nero chants dominate

and cesaro's wrestling as well as ever, but with a general air of oh my god i'm fighting jeff hardy

splash from the apron, add that to your 'jeff hardy jumps off things' scorecard

jeff gets out of the ring to nurse a possibly-bad leg, cesaro uppercuts him into the barricade anyway cos why not

jeff goes to the top rope, cesaro rolls out and actually gets some heel heat

cesaro has notably slowed down to match jeff

does all the standard jeff hardy moves, cesaro counters a twist of fate into an uppercut

massive corkscrew uppercut that jeff didn't quite seem to be in position for, had to go two thirds of the way across the ring

jeff counters a swing to go to the top rope, gets crotched

cesaro goes for a superplex, gets crotched on the top rope and then jeff dropkicks him off

jeff does a big corkscrew splash for a near-fall

cesaro goes for the neutraliser, jeff counters to a twist of fate because that move never happens any more

and swanton bomb for the win

matt and sheamus come into the ring to help their partners and glare

sheamus offers matt a handshake

the hardyz hesitantly accept, and miraculously nobody does a heel turn

sheamus helps cesaro out, and everyone parts as friends

huh

and now let's have recaps of braun fucking everyone up

and now dudeface #2 is at the trainer's room, where golden truth are being treated, but fuck that shit here come slater and rhyno to showboat

until braun growls at them on the way past and makes rhyno throw his crackers over heath

as the phrase goes

advert for aries/perkins on 205

but now, time for large man vs older large man

show comes in and immediately starts throwing braun into nearby objects

before the bell has rung

who's the heel here again?

gets in the ring, they ring the bell anyway because fuck it

show does a walking-pace basement dropkick to braun at ringside, he sells it like he's been hit by a truck

then gets in the ring and shows him how you dropkick

show does a wristlock on braun, who spin counters out of it like he's jack gallagher or something

including that kipup, which still doesn't seem bounded by physics

long segment in which they both try and suplex each other

it's mostly just grunting

until show finally scoop slams him

goes for a chokeslam, braun counters into an overhead suplex because fuck your 400 pounds

casually walks over show, because only one of them gets to be andre

hoists show onto his shoulder for a powerslam, but sadly countered

but still

casually deadlifting the big show is a thing

show places braun on the turnbuckle, looooong superplex tease, but nothing

braun takes a chokeslam, kicks out anyway

because now taker's retired, all his moves have lost their power

fun fact: wrestling has no ontological inertia

show goes for the magic fist, braun dodges and hits that powerslam

show kicks out anyway, because fuck you, the audience, and the passage of time, i'm the big show

so braun goes to the top rope

and gets crotched on it

sigh

show goes to the top rope, even longer superplex tease, and then gets crotched on the top rope as well

wait, this sequence was in cesaro/jeff a minute ago

go on, dropkick him off the top rope

braun jumps from the ropes, show catches him with a magic fist, braun kicks out like bahahaha i am no mere human your punching magics cannot affect me

for i am the mighty STROW-MAN

so big show goes to the top rope

again

and gets crotched

again

superplex tease

again

and they hit the superplex

and the ring collapses

this is totally a spot i have never seen before

who could have seen this coming

(sigh)

well, the crowd are impressed

and braun's up

the match is clearly done, so he's presumably just going to shit on show's face or something

or just to roar and cue his music

sure, he could do that too

and go up the ramp to scream at the world

braun strowman, in The Beast That Shouted BRAAAAAAAAAUUGGHHHHHHHH At The Heart Of The World

and thus we fade

or at least, that show fades

we're still here

gazing into an empty and meaningless void

oh god

we're so alone

just me and daniel, and he doesn't even exist

quick

we must fill this aching emptiness

...

SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

(phew, that was close)

opening with an in memoriam of rosey

huh

i didn't know he was dead

probably why roman had the week off, to be fair

opening the actual show on a dramatic recap of the shakeup

and now we're in the arena and here comes charlotte

back in the black sequin gown

boooooooooo

so yes, on announce we have tom, byron and NOBODY ELSE

charlotte has a mic

and she is angry that she hasn't got a title shot yet

or something

she is being vague

she's angry, in any case

okay, yes, that was it

shouts at management, but here comes naomi

to proclaim the staunchly anti-monarchist stance of smackdown live

and make fun of charlotte for begging

but basically be like yeah, alright, you only had to ask

drops the mic, coldcocks charlotte, stillin her entrance gown

knocks charlotte out of the ring, a sudden ref tries to stop her going back in, but HERE COME THE MONEEEEEEEY

shane's like yeah, sure, seems legit

but here we earn things

in the Meritocratic Republic of Smackdown

so we have charlotte/naomi tonight, and if charlotte wins, she gets a title shot next week

charlotte runs back into the ring to wail on naomi, because we need reminding who's the heel here

naomi fights back, charlotte leaves, end segment

later we have sami/harper/dolph/jinder/rowan/mojo contendership match for the wwe belt

totally not a random collection of names

but now, natalya rants at shane backstage because charlotte is getting stuff and she isn't

shane's like ummm well you didn't ask

here come carmella and ellsworth to agree with the stance that charlotte doesn't deserve things

they argue

and here comes tamina

everyone shouts at each other, until nattie comes to the conclusion that this is all charlotte's fault and she has a plan

they all leave together, shane is left looking uncomfortable

and now, that 6-man match

time for a bunch of short entrances

but they do include rowan's awesome music, so there's that

also sami almost skanking his hat off

safe prediction: this match is going to be a fucking mess

swiftly turns into harper/rowan, as we all wanted

holy shit did harper just do a michinoku driver on sami

cut from ads to two superplexes and a top rope sunset flip

all spots all time

helluva kick to superkick to discus clothesline to big boot to full nelson slam

harper's discus clothesline is still frightening

likewise that suicide dive he just did

meanwhile, dolph kicks out of a spin kick from a large bearded man who isn't aleister black

who then powerbombs him onto everyone else

we now have rowan in the ring and the other five sprawled outside

drags sami back into the ring to try and pin him

but sami has not taken nearly enough punishment yet

cut back from ads as mojo is actually allowed to do things

including a fuck-ugly deadlift slam on dolph

this is why we don't let you have spots, mojo

douchefragment on announce confuses dolph and mojo

all these white men look alike

dolph throws rowan into harper's crotch and then zigzags him, still can't get the pin

harper beats all the twat out of dolph, then gets grabbed by jinder

sami has finally absorbed enough pain, does a tope con giro on harper and a springboard moonsault on mojo

and a really worryingly close exploder to jinder

winds up for the helluva kick, until the shining stars grab his ankles

and...jinder...mahal...gets...the...pin?

sooooo...that happened?

oh wait, the announcers are saying those were the bollywood boyz

makes slightly more sense, i guess

in a racist kind of way

renee comes in to interview jinder, he shouts at the crowd for not liking him because he's educated and indian and speaks two languages and americans don't accept diversity

wwe, as ever, handling sensitive issues of racial politics with all the tact and delicacy of a piss-soaked sledgehammer

here comes randy and his cg sperm

to laconically taunt jinder and his veins

(the only blood vessels visible from space)

randy briefly talks smack on jinder, then is like fuck that shit i'm here to talk to bray

wyatt cut, and he's here

in another creepy intercut video

bray gets to appear on both shows, thanks to his almighty satanic power

it takes a lot to overcome the brand split

but yeah, bray's delivering vague promises about his house of horrors and how it'll brutally murder randy in body and soul

man can speechify

wyatt cut, guess that segment's done

i choose to believe randy just left while that was playing

up next, shinsuke

after an advert for the new day

so yes, now we have a video of how amazing shinsuke is

including his violinist, because he's a fucking legend

and cut from that to renee interviewing aj about the us title scene

aj doesn't give a fuck

and here's baron, who has decided this is his interview

renee like um no?

aj like hey dork i kicked your ass last week why don't you just fuck off *winning smile*

offers baron a rematch tonight because fuck that guy

cut to elsewhere backstage, as tamina, nattie and carmellsworth happen upon charlotte

they offer paronising words, nattie knocks into her, she leaves

and now here she is

and naomi gets her full intro this time

complete with baseball cap with massive dreadlocks

bell rings, charlotte immediately begins showboating like hey did you know i'm ric flair's daughter

yes charlotte, we get it

woo

cut to all the heel ladies watching this backstage

i would have assumed they'd be lurking near the ring

in other news, where the fuck is becky?

the entire smackdown women's division is involved in this angle, except her

charlotte gets naomi in a really long headscissors, shouts at the crowd to remind them she's a heel

they don't give a shit

she could step on a puppy in the ring and they'd still woo

charlotte does some flair chops, so naomi responds by just kicking the shit out of her

cut back to the group watching it backstage, during which i realise they're not actually watching it so much as staring into the middle distance near it

two springboard spots in a row there where i'm honestly not sure whether they botched them or not

let's call it a save

naomi casually kicks charlotte in the head while standing, because her legs go for miles

top rope crossbody, near-fall

and charlotte counters another superkick into a chop block and natural selection for the win

and dear dumb twat in a big hat: if you're not going to stop calling charlotte 'genetically superior', at very least stop doing it when she's fighting WOC?

vignette of charlotte backstage, getting menaced by the women's heels and giving a defiant woo

but now it's american alpha vs primo and epico, who have never had any other gimmick shut your mouth

alpha are in eye-assaulting acid green tonight

nasty double underhook gutbuster by epico there

hot tag to jason, who dismantles them both

but epico gets the pin anyway through all the distraction-based shenanigans in the Big Book of Shenan

huh

did not see that coming

recap video of jinder

for whatever reason, since next we have the first ever kevin owens face of america open challenge

not cena at all

after another burlesque video from lana

and...andrea? interviewing tye

about how much everybody loves him

shit, it's dasha

i keep doing that

tye's like hey, lemme just cue this vt of how great i am

video ends, he's just like awwww aren't i great and walks off

...ok

but now, here comes the face of america

to fight some dude who's in the ring

midway through his intro, kevin grabs the mic off the ring announcer so he can do it himself

lets the jobber say his name

Gary Candy of Louisville, RIP

and one janky-ass popup powerbomb later, it was done

kevin gets his belt and mic back

so he can insult everyone for being american some more

normally this would be done in a super racist gimmick, but he just does it so well

declares he's doing commentary on the main event, talks québécois to piss off the crowd and freak me out, and now it's the main event

introducing first the wolf who douches like a man

kevin gets a headset, immediately starts heckling the rest of the announce table

kevin vs people saying words is my favourite feud

cutaway to austin telling us all we should watch 205

aj's entrance starts, swift cutaway to their match last week

depriving us all of some quality not wanting none

match starts, kevin doesn't give a shit and continues heckling the announcers

you can tell he's a heel, because crotchsweat is agreeing with everything he says

meanwhile, baron throws aj at the announce table, then after a few reversals, drops him face-first on the apron

so far, this match has just been baron dicking all over aj, and i'm not ok with this

kevin has switched to just shouting at tom every time he does anything other than call the match

match turns around a bit as aj bullfights baron into the ring post

firms it up with a pele kick and stinger splash

baron counters a styles clash into a nasty choke backbreaker

aj rolls into the calf crusher, baron screams like a wounded ape before clawing his way to the ropes

deep six, near-fall, sarcastic comment from kevin

aj hits baron at ringside with a super sloppy knee then goes for a styles clash as kevin shouts at him not to get close to him

so baron counters by backdropping aj into kevin

brief scuffle, aj forearms baron over the barricade to win by countout

weird finish, but watchable

kevin sits on the floor and seethes, aj poses for our adulation as we fade

and thus end the weekly shows for another week

however, the void is still an issue, so imma go watch talking smack and the rest of the wrestling

any hole in your life can be filled by enough wrestling, kids

(important comma there)

(i do not encourage wrestling kids)

roll the tape, daniel

#Wrestling #WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown

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