healingemetjourney

[healingemetjourney]

3/2/23

I think a part of me will always have this fear. But it will hopefully get easier to live with. The last time I got sick, it was weird (in a good way). I wasn’t anxious at all right until I felt severe nausea and got sick within a minute or two. Before that, I had a lot of diarrhea and I must have had a fever because I had chills and I was cuddling a heating pad. I was laying down on the couch, wide awake and unable to sleep. It didn’t even occur to me I had a SV* or FP* or whatever it was. The nausea hit out of the blue and I was like, “Oh god”. I sat up and ran to wake up Brett and told him I felt like I’m going to throw up. I started to get anxious. He told me I’m not going to, but I knew. This felt real. I ran outside and stood on the grass. I started to gag and threw up. Brett came by the back door and offered me my water. He asked if anything came out and I said yes. I said it wasn’t that bad. It was done. It happened. I’m still alive. And not even that anxious? It was wild! I sat down at the kitchen table and jumped on Tumblr and made a post. I was afraid it was going to happen again. Brett said it’s possible it won’t, that I got it all out the first time. Luckily he was right. Even though it wasn’t bad, I was still afraid it would happen again. I hope this gets easier. I’ve had mostly good days but I still have anxious moments. But no full blown panic attacks. Today I skipped dinner and now I’m hungry but I’m too afraid to eat. All I managed to eat was a little bit of peanut butter. I felt off and weird so I took Promethazine to be safe. I had convinced myself I had a SV* for no reason. It’s no wonder I’m tired all the time. 

[healingemetjourney]

The night time triggers me. It feels heavy. The anxiety weighs on my chest. I guess it scares me because in the past, whenever I’ve gotten sick it’s been at night. Day time is more safe. It’s not logical, it’s not rational. The Celexa is helping, I can tell. It can stop a panic attack. It helps the voices sound a bit more distant. It helps remind me that I feel this way all the time and I never get sick. But Klonopin is still there if I need it, and it’s OK to take it. I’m trying to take Promethazine less. It’s making me constipated. And 99% of the time, I’m NOT actually nauseous, it’s just anxiety. It’s a tricky little thing. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts, but they’re kind of positive in a way. Like, “I should pretend to throw up right now, as exposure therapy.” And honestly it’s not a bad idea to familiarize myself with it. I also need to remind myself that vomiting is quick, it’s not a long, drawn out thing. You can breathe, you won’t die. And you feel much better afterwards. It’s just a bodily function. It is normal. It is OK. It is not BAD. There is no reason to fear it. My body needs food. My body will not make me sick unless it absolutely HAS to. Remember how rare that is? I go years without being sick. That’s another thing, though. I feel like I’m “due” to get sick. Which of course isn’t real. It just happens. There is no time frame. God. I just wish I was different. I wish I was normal.

Triggers: night time, seeing and hearing about SV* everywhere online

[healingemetjourney]

2/22/23

I had a good few days! Yesterday I worked, I had another lunch break where after I ate I put a blanket down and laid outside. It was a beautiful day. I love watching the clouds. A lady bug even joined me! I always take that as good luck and even a little hello from my angel baby, Willow. After I had my D&C, one night I asked for her to show me a sign that she was still around. Later on I found a lady bug in my house which never happens. I knew it was her. And right before I found out I was pregnant with Amber, there was a lady bug outside the bathroom window right as I was taking the test. Anyway. Yesterday at work I was restraining a cat in a room with the vet and the cat's family. They were talking a lot so I started to get that trapped feeling, like I can't escape and then I started to imagine myself puking. I reminded myself, this has happened multiple times now and I never got sick. I was fine each time. It's just my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. So I fought through it and I was fine. I got through the rest of my shift fine. On the way home to pick up my girls from my parent's house, I started to feel anxious. I knew I was likely just hungry and had a lot of air in my tummy and needed to burp. I reminded myself of this. The anxiety got worse because I also feel trapped when driving, even though I can pull over at any time. I tried to remind myself it's ONLY anxiety. I am not sick. And then it passed again! I didn't have to take any medications!! Which is huge. I think it's safe to say the higher dose of Celexa is starting to work! Which is such a relief. Earlier, I had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. But I know I didn't eat much at all today and I was hungry. So I ate a small dinner. My stomach hurt but I knew it was likely gas. I also have my period so that could be causing cramps. I didn't stress or panic at all!!! So amazing. I'm so glad.

Triggers: Feeling "trapped" while in exam rooms at work, feeling "trapped" while driving, intrusive thoughts picturing myself vomiting

[healingemetjourney]

2/19/23

I made a mistake. I had an iced coffee from Dunkin this morning. It was decaf and small, and I only had half of it! Yet it makes my anxiety worse. I don't know why, I don't know how. I used to drink half caf coffee all the time and be fine!! Now I can't even handle decaf? It makes no sense. Ugh. I took a Klonopin to help take the edge off. I don't want this to become a full-blown panic attack. Whenever I eat a decent amount of food, or a decent sized meal, it makes me nervous. I know logically my body NEEDS this food. But my emet has trust issues. It convinces me that I will be sick. That damn fucking stupid evil voice. Why do I have to be this way? I am suffering. Last night, I had 1 cracker for dinner. ONE CRACKER. That is not okay. None of this is okay. Brett and I fought a bit earlier. It's settled now but the stress of it is still lingering. I don't know. I just want to be normal. I don't want to be afraid. I booked a trip to Miami with my 2 girl friends in the end of April. I'm nervous for the flight, but I can just not eat beforehand. I'm nervous for eating in a different city. We will be eating out a lot of course. I hope by then things will be easier. I don't want to have panic attacks on our trip. Last year we went to Ashville and I was pregnant, and I had panic attacks then. It sucked. I will likely have small meals of "safe" foods. Chicken fingers and fries. Grilled cheese. Something like that. God, will this ever end?

Triggers: Heartburn, coffee

[healingemetjourney]

2/17/23

Today was a good day. No anxiety, no panic attacks. I had a panic attack during therapy yesterday. The way he helped me push through it was great. I sat outside on a blanket for my lunch break at work. Watched the clouds go by, listening to positive affirmations. It was a good day. I'm going to eat chinese food for dinner. Hopefully I continue to stay calm. I took a Klonopin after lunch to be safe.

Triggers: When making and eating my lunch, I thought about what it would look like to throw it up. I almost wanted to throw it away. But I didn't, I ate it, it tasted good, and I didn't panic afterwards!!!

[healingemetjourney]

2/13/23

Overall today was a good day! I didn’t have any anxiety or panic attacks at work. Until right now. It’s almost midnight. I barely even ate dinner. Had my usual PB sandwich and yogurt. I don’t know, I was laying down trying to sleep. I may have even fell asleep. I don’t even remember. But then I was nervous. I had heartburn. I felt “off”. I started to overthink. The anxiety began. And then I took Promethazine. God, I love that drug. It’s interesting, you know. This phobia. The symptoms of anxiety are so so triggering. The nausea. The trouble swallowing. The lump in your throat. There’s this Youtube meditation that I started listening to for health anxiety. It’s actually really helpful and calming. I just really don’t want to live like this anymore. Brett wasn’t feeling well tonight. No nausea, just a headache. He’s asleep on the couch. But my god damn brain thinking, “what if?” My brain is my enemy. I’m losing weight. My clothes are starting to fit more loosely. But I have to hold on to the good. That today WAS a good day. That’s still an improvement. That still counts for something. I need to relax so I can sleep. I have work tomorrow. The Celexa has got to start helping soon, right? Google says 1-2 weeks. 4-6 weeks for the full benefits. I can do this. I’m okay. I am safe. I recently discovered how reassuring it is to tell myself that I’m safe. I must associate nausea/vomiting with being unsafe, which of course isn’t true. It’s just my body doing what it needs to do. A normal bodily function. I. am. okay.

Triggers: heartburn, racing thoughts

[healingemetjourney]

2/11/23

I was fine all day. I took 2 naps because I'm always tired. I ate KFC for dinner, I only had a few fries and maybe about half of the sandwich. I was watching Grey's in bed with my husband. I started to get some heartburn so I took Tum's. It helped some. I was fine. While eating dinner earlier, I had bad intrusive thoughts. It made it a bit hard to eat. I had to stop. I was afraid. I ate around 7 and it's midnight now. All of a sudden I felt nauseous, or at least it truly felt like I was. I rushed to take Promethazine. It felt worse so I took another (I can take up to 2). I ran to get the rubbing alcohol so I could inhale it. My Dr increased my meds a few days ago. I thought I was starting to feel better. It may take more time. I'm sitting on the cold garage floor. I love the cold. It is safe. It calms me down. I burped and I'm starting to feel better. God, I hate this phobia. I hate living in fear every damn day.

[healingemetjourney]

2/6/23 (TMI)

I called out of work sick today. I was fine this morning, ate breakfast, showered. I was blow-drying my hair and I thought I had to fart. It was NOT a fart. I started having terrible diarrhea out of nowhere. Of course I start to panic and I think this is a stomach bug. I took 2 Promethazine to be safe. Even though I felt no nausea. My parents took the kids so I could rest. I slept from about 9am-3pm. I watched some TV afterwards. My dad brought the kids back around 6:30pm. The little one started crying soon after. I am tired.

In death, there is no fear. No stress. No panic attacks. No anxiety. No vomiting. No stomach bugs. There are no crying children. You are not overstimulated. You are nothing. And nothing sounds so peaceful. I haven't struggled this badly with my mental health in a long time. I am happiest when I am asleep. I scheduled an appt with my therapist on Wednesday to discuss adding a medication. Celexa isn't cutting it anymore. I need help. I want to scream. What did I do to deserve to live like this? Why is my brain so sick? I want so desperately to be normal. I'm afraid I will always live like this. If it weren't for my kids, I don't think I would still be here. I'm only here because they deserve a mother.

Triggers: Diarrhea

[healingemetjourney]

2/5/23

Here I am, anxious again. Playing this game every day is exhausting. I was fine most of today. Breakfast I almost always have no issues eating or afterwards. Lunch is 50/50. Dinner is a huge trigger. I had a very late breakfast of pancakes and yogurt. I had decaf green tea. I am cutting out all caffeine and coffee. I had Taco Bell for dinner, just 1 burrito and a few sips of a Baja Blast. Maybe the caffeine in that is what’s bothering me. I didn’t feel full afterwards. I never eat until I am full. I had some dessert, a cookie and a few pieces of chocolate. Took my Magnesium and Ashwagandha. I started to vacuum and got hot. I was thinking about vomiting, even though I wasn’t nauseous. My mouth was going dry and I was having trouble swallowing. For some reason, that’s another trigger. Having trouble swallowing is scary to me. I had to stop vacuuming and take a rest. Of course that didn’t help much. The switch was flipped. I wasn’t having a full blown panic attack, but I was definitely anxious. I said fuck it. I took a Klonopin. I’ve had the same box of dissolvable tablets since 2019 and I’m finally running out. I requested a refill from my Dr, hopefully I can get them refilled. I only took them as needed for panic attacks, then I was pregnant 2x (technically 3x) and couldn’t take it at all during pregnancy. Hence how they have lasted so long. My therapist taught me 3-3-6 breathing. But forcing myself to breathe a certain way makes me feel like I CAN’T breathe. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like it. He said to push through the uncomfortable feeling, it will help me feel better. I haven’t done it since. I should practice, I know. I need to put in the work. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I was doing really well with my emet during my pregnancy with Autumn. I did so well afterwards too. My anxiety was in such a good place. I remember one night, Autumn was probably about 1 month old or so, it was the middle of the night and I was hungry so I had a breakfast shake. I don’t know why, but it made me genuinely nauseous. I didn’t panic or feel anxious AT ALL. It eventually passed and I was fine. I was so brave. I was so NORMAL. But my pregnancy with Amber, god I think it ruined me. I had so many intense panic attacks, often. I constantly thought I was going to be sick, even though I wasn’t nauseous. Any time I ate a decent amount of food, I would panic. “I will throw up because I am pregnant.” I never got sick once, of course. I took all the precautions possible. I will never, ever get pregnant and have another child again. I can’t mentally or physically go through that again. Plus we can’t afford another child, and our house isn’t big enough. 2 kids is plenty. I’m hoping as time passes, my anxiety will improve. This may just be PPA. I hope it passes. I hate this phobia.

Triggers: Feeling hot, dry mouth, trouble swallowing, intrusive thoughts about vomiting, picturing myself vomiting

[healingemetjourney]

2/4/23

Today was much better than yesterday. I think coffee is a HUGE trigger for me. Not so much coffee itself, but the way it makes me feel. I enjoy drinking it but it suppresses my appetite a bit. Then I'm running around at work and before I know it, I haven't eaten in 6 hours so I feel sick and dizzy and then that's when the panic starts. I had work today again (4 hr shift) and I felt fine. I was very hungry by the end but no nausea or dizziness. I was able to eat a normal lunch and I took a nice long (much needed) nap. I had my usual small dinner of PB sandwich and yogurt. I've been taking Ashwagandha and Magnesium every night and I think those have been helping my anxiety too. I'm about to take a bath with Dr. Teal's Sleep Bath and I'm sooo excited to rest some more. Lately all my body wants to do is rest and I'm going to listen to it. I'm treating myself gently and with care. I deserve it.

Triggers: None today :) I had a few intrusive thoughts but I was able to ignore them.

[healingemetjourney]

2/3/23

Currently on my lunch break at work. I just had a bad panic attack. It started with me feeling dizzy and sick because I hadn’t eaten since 6am and it’s almost noon. I had a cheese stick and drank water. I also was a bit constipated so I think that added to the feeling. I was able to poop (normal) but I didn’t feel better afterwards. The waves of nausea (or at least what truly felt like nausea) kept coming. I took Promethazine (I even took 2!) and Klonopin. I called Brett at work to calm me down, which he did. He told me to take a walk outside because it’s cold and the cold always helps me. I walked and sat down by a tree near a small pond. I watched the waves and felt the ice cold wind against my skin. It was helping. I eventually burped twice and felt loads better. Of course now I am about to feel beyond exhausted. All those meds are sedating and panic attacks are so draining. Hopefully I can make it through the rest of the work day. I am not eating lunch because I am afraid. I have peanut butter crackers as a snack that I may eat later once I feel actual hunger. I think what I need to do is stop drinking coffee (even decaf) and snack more often so my blood sugar doesn’t get low. God, I wish I could just go home and take a long nap. That was rough. It felt so real. I was mentally preparing to vomit in the grass of the parking lot. I really thought my anxiety would get better after pregnancy. I’m still having some bad days. That’s okay.

Triggers: feeling dizzy, feeling nauseous, racing intrusive thoughts about vomiting, coffee, not eating frequently enough.

[healingemetjourney]

2/2/23

I had a good day today. Very little intrusive vomit thoughts. If I did have them, I didn't dwell on them. For example: I gave my daughter a bath. Afterwards we cuddled in bed watching TV and I thought, "What if she threw up all over the bed right now?" And I didn't panic. I didn't overthink it. It was nothing more than just a dumb, passing thought. I reminded myself, "I will cross that bridge when I get to it. No use in worrying about something that isn't actually happening". Then I got ready for bed, and I had some chocolate. Soon my stomach started to hurt and I became gassy. The stomach ache is better now, but it still made me nervous. It's weird, stomach aches never used to worry me because in the past when I've gotten sick, my stomach never hurt. But now stomach aches scare me. Even though it's more than likely just gas. I wasn't feeling nauseous at all. I reminded myself of this. I wasn't nauseous, it is just the bad thoughts. But the bad thoughts began to get loud. They said, "It could be a stomach virus. They are going around like crazy right now. It's possible you're sick. What if you throw up? What will you do!? You can't survive!" I don't know why picturing me vomiting is such a horror show. Anyway, I started to get the tingly feeling in my throat/chest and a lump in the back of my throat. Thinking the nausea was now real, I took Promethazine. I should have waited for it to pass, I know. I caved. But it's okay. Healing isn't linear. Prior to just now though, I didn't have any anxiety or panic attacks at work. Which I consider a huge win.

Reminder to myself: You HAVE gotten sick before and you survived it every. single. time. The last time in 2017 you got sick, you immediately said how it wasn’t that bad afterwards and had a sip of water!!! 

Triggers: Stomach virus season, intrusive thoughts picturing vomiting, stomach ache/gas

What helps me feel better: Talking to Erin, taking Promethazine, talking to Brett, deep slow breaths, playing Solitaire 

[healingemetjourney]

2/1/23

I had 2 cups of coffee today. Once decaf, made at home and another from Starbucks 2/3 decaf. I try to stick to decaf because caffeine can cause anxiety for me. I was just relaxing on the couch with my daughter when I realized my heart was beating fast. I immediately had bad “what if” thoughts. What if I throw up? What if I have a panic attack? I tried to let them pass by and ignore them, but it was hard. I challenged the thoughts. So what if I throw up? I can get through it. I probably won’t throw up. There is no reason to throw up. However, I ended up taking Klonopin to help keep me calm and prevent me from having a full blown anxiety attack. I also burped. I feel lots better already. 

Triggers: Heart beating fast, being aware of your heartbeat, trouble swallowing. These triggers make me feel afraid and immediately cause “what if” thoughts, regardless if I am feeling nauseous or not.