heartbreakposting

[heartbreakposting]

I've been doing... better, i guess. At least in terms of heartbreak. I don't cry as often, but i do still miss him a lot. I do think I'd still go back to him if he asked, but I'm not constantly having imaginary conversations where i beg him to take me back.

I think meeting Napalm has helped a lot. I do worry that I'm making the same mistake again though, getting attached to someone who isn't ready to commit to a relationship as fully as i want them to. I'm once again in the mindset of "i can wait until he's ready" but who knows if that time will ever come or if I'll end up being the same clingy pup hoping for true love when all they want is entertainment, end up feeling used again...

Everyday life is still a mess too, still unemployed, still too anxious to learn to drive, still addicted to games, still clinging to the shreds of childhood and avoiding adult responsibilities. I need to find a way to keep myself motivated without pinning it on someone else to enforce. I'm just such a pushover that i can't stick with any sort of punishment or reward system. I do need to find a source of income in time to start saving for camp, though. I don't know what if do if i couldn't go to camp, I'm already miserable not being able to go to the club on a regular basis anymore.

I'm still conflicted in regards to whether or not I'd fit with Rob. I'm cool with sharing, in theory, but I'm not so sure i could handle not being a priority. He's just so popular and I'd feel bad keeping him from others but at the same time I'm clingy and needy and i just don't know how well I'd be able to handle it.

[heartbreakposting]

Havent posted in a while. Haven't really felt the need to get anything out of my system. Not sure if i was avoiding my feelings or if things were just going okay.

Anyways, yesterday was a mess. I was supposed to spend the day and night being a slut with Dubby, but after a couple hours he ended up asking me to leave. It was kinda disappointing, feels like something always interrupts us, but I'm not gonna get mad at him for needing space to grieve a friend that passed away. My phone was nearly dead so i had to work myself up to ask if i could stay a little longer and let it charge. We talked about emotions a bit, how feeling like I'm inconveniencing others makes me uncomfortable, how showing emotion is hard for him, some of that stuff was nice to get out in the open.

I decided to head to the crucible instead of trying to make it home. I wouldn't have made it to greenbelt in time to catch rta home anyways, and I'd kinda wanted to go to crucible for the suspenDC event anyways. Sent messages to a few friends i knew would be there, letting them know i had a rough day.

I had a pretty good time just being able to see some friends, even if i didn't play or anything. Seeing Ben and Nichole do their hooks stuff was fun. I was originally hoping to get a ride home from Nichole but after how her scene went i was nervous to ask. Willow ended up letting me know she would be staying with Rob so that would be a no go anyways. As awkward as it was, i ended up getting a ride from Frank. I feel weird asking him for stuff, I'm glad i worked up the courage though, otherwise I'm not sure how i would have gotten home.

Didn't have my key so i tried all the doors, no luck. Felt a little shameful texting to be let in at 2am, but I'm getting better about putting my shame aside to ask for what i need. I made sure to message people to let them know i made it home safe, don't like thinking my friends might be worrying about me.

I think I'm doing better interacting with Frank after the LF&P, that eased a lot of my worry, just being able to interact somewhat without me crying over him or him seeming uncomfortable around me. Hopefully means I'm healing. Still feel like I'd go back to him if he decided to take me back, but i think I'm getting better at accepting that that probably isn't gonna happen.

Anyways, Thanksgiving is over, i have to get back to job searching so i can have money again. Things will settle into some sort of normalness eventually, i just have to keep going until i get there.

[heartbreakposting]

So yeah, probably gonna ask my therapist about whether my fighting with myself over decisions and stuff might be a personality disorder or something. Not sure if a diagnosis will actually help me at all, but just the confirmation that this isn't normal and I'm justified in having these issues. Hopefully he can help me figure out a healthy way of dealing with that. He also does addiction stuff if i recall correctly, so maybe i can get resources because making reckless decisions feels like a kind of addiction thing, idk.

[heartbreakposting]

I wonder if he misses me at all... Probably not. I wonder if he'd tell me if he did... Maybe ...

I'm back to making reckless decisions as a coping method. I know it's not healthy or safe, but i don't know what else to do... Like, i want sex and kink, but i don't have the spoons to find it in a healthy way, or the confidence to stick up for myself in hookup situations. You wouldn't think it would be that hard to say "I'm not okay fucking without protection" but for some reason i just don't.

Starting to think i might actually have a personality disorder or something. Like, part of me wants to protect myself and make safe choices, but another part of me wants to have fun and be reckless and doesn't care what the consequences might be. I'm constantly at war with myself over which side to listen to, and it's exhausting...

Idk if i should go out today. Like, i don't want to, but i do. I know i should tell him i don't feel good about it, but i don't know if i can. I just want to go back to the security of being in a relationship with someone i trust with my whole heart.

Frank shouldn't have to be responsible for keeping me safe, but i don't know how to do it without him. I don't know if I'm strong enough... Why does everything have to be so difficult and scary and overwhelming? I don't know how people do it.

[heartbreakposting]

I still miss him. A lot. Took a little adventure yesterday for a hookup in Virginia. It was super anxiety inducing. The sex was okay, but it really just reminded me of how much i miss Frank. How much i took our relationship for granted. Having some sort of regularity to when i got a dose of intimacy was great, i miss that. Hookups just aren't the same... I miss having an actual connection. I wonder how long it will take me to actually move on... I wish i could just be done with the pain. It's just so hard. I feel like my whole life revolved around him, and now i don't know what to do. I feel empty.

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I thought there was a rope zoom call today. I was kind of excited, i had my laptop ready and everything. But no. Guess that makes me more glad i went to crucible on Saturday and saw people, because i don't get to see them today. I was ready to see people, excited to, but now I'm just sad and disappointed. I know I'm probably teasing myself with the thought of getting to see and interact with Frank, but there are other friends there too.

I guess just the unexpected change of plans caught me off guard. I got the Patreon email a couple days ago and so i mentally prepared, set aside the energy, whatever, and now I'm not sure what to do with that. Should i bug somebody, so i can get my fix of chatting? Idk.

[heartbreakposting]

Starting to wonder if there actually is a chance Frank would take me back. Nothing has really indicated he would, but I've been having a lot of thoughts on different perspectives of why we ended up breaking up. I think there's a pretty good chance we just had a sort of relationship fatigue. Things had plateaued, and in typical relationships that's where you start exploring kink and whatever, but we'd already done all that. I realize I'd begun taking our relationship for granted and things weren't as exciting as they used to be. We just didn't have the same enthusiasm as we used to. That's why i had initially hoped the "relationship talk" was going to be renegotiating wants, needs and boundaries and whatnot. I feel like he probably felt his needs weren't being met, but i don't know exactly what they were, so i couldn't fix anything on my end.

If he needed more opportunities to play with others, i would've been okay scaling back the frequency of my visits. Stopping them altogether so abruptly was pretty traumatic for me, but also very eye opening to see how much i depended on him. I know he wanted me to grow and become independent, and i wasn't really doing that, i was staying put in my comfort zone, perfectly content to not seek growth in any capacity. I know he complained about an ex being too dependent on him before, and how that made his relationship with the concept of littles a bit weird. I think i may have been leaning on him too much.

I want to ask him if we can try again, after having a thorough discussion of what we each think went wrong, but i can't do that yet, if i do it too soon he won't be open to it and I'll feel crushed all over again. I'm probably going to have to face that again at some point anyways. I'm getting my hopes up again, and as likely as I'm making myself feel it could be, it probably isn't going to happen.

I'm regretting asking for the clarification on whether we were actually taking a break or if we were really breaking up. If i had left that avenue open, I'd have an opportunity to talk with him about all the things I've been thinking about while reflecting on our relationship, and maybe I'd have a better shot at a second chance with him. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and i kind of hope he has too, and isn't just shoving the emotions away because he's not sure how to handle them. I would hope with enough reflection, he might be open to trying to make something work other than being completely out of each others lives.

I'd like to know what compromises he thinks he was making for the sake of our relationship that eventually led him to breaking up with me. I can speculate all i want, but knowing for sure would give me somewhere to start in trying to find a way to work things out with him. And there's definitely a significant chance that things will never work out between us, but i could also use that insight into his thought process to help me in future relationships. I still have more reflection to do on my side of things to find things too look out for in future relationships.

The desire to try to compile some of my thoughts in a way i can present them to him is very strong, but i know that now is not the right time. If i want to try to do that it needs to be when i know that he's an a mindset that would be open to receiving that information. Last thing i want to do is overwhelm him and crush any chance of repairing our relationship with one another.

I think I've rambled enough for one post. I'm still full of thoughts, but i feel like I'm just getting repetitive at this point.

[heartbreakposting]

Therapy today. I'll be talking about Saturday most likely the whole time. I'm still so tired from it. So tired. Emotions are exhausting. I wish i didn't have so much difficulty processing my thoughts and feelings. If i could function just a little better...

I don't know. Like i said, tired, thoughts are tiring to try to decipher and communicate. I wish i could move on already, stop clinging to the past because i have to keep going. The world keeps turning, nothing will wait for me. The sooner i pick myself back up, the less catching up I'll have to do.

[heartbreakposting]

I did it. I went to the Crucible. I saw so many friends, it was nice. I tried to keep myself from bothering Frank too much, which was hard, but i think i did alright. I'm actually really glad Brad didn't get me earlier, it was already awkward wandering around the vendors for 3 hours. I ended up helping with teardown, which was tiring, but it kept me occupied, earned me dinner, and got me into the party for free. Kat is so nice for letting me in as their guest.

My social battery is definitely drained though, I'm gonna need a while to recover. it was great seeing everyone and getting hugs and shoulder pats and whatnot. I've really been missing that kind of physical affection. Even if i didn't get to really play, i enjoyed myself.

Dad ended up picking me up afterwards, which is a bit awkward, but I'm not gonna bring up what goes on at the club as long as he doesn't. I could've walked a block or two to get to a bar, but i was just too tired, and i figured, if i had to explain, the crucible is honestly way safer than a random bar.

Anyways, I'm exhausted, i had fun, i got my stuff back from Frank, i have a valid membership to crucible again, all in all, I'm okay. Baby steps, recovery doesn't have to happen all at once. I hope i didn't bug him too much, but he was less cold to me than i worried he would be. I need more sleep, I'm going back to bed. I'll probably post more later, just to process stuff some more, but for now, rest time.

[heartbreakposting]

So nervous about today. Will i be able to behave myself? Can i keep myself composed around him? Will i break down into tears and start pleading with him? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be the manipulative ex that makes a big scene just so i can have him back, because not only is that unlikely to work on him, it's also childish and would make me look bad.

I've got a stomach ache from the nerves. I think i might also be shaking. I need to take a shower and pack some stuff to bring with, as long as i don't wimp out. I have to see if it's too late to get a ride from Brad. If it is i don't know if i can work myself up to trying to get there on my own... I want to see my friends, i don't want to wallow all day, but it's so exhausting having so many emotions.

I should get to that before it's too late. I'll almost certainly have more to talk about later, but for now i have to make myself do stuff.

[heartbreakposting]

My emotions do not make me weak. They are a natural response for a social animal. Losing what my mind and body considered a "mate" is a traumatic loss for any being. I am facing a difficult situation, i am allowed to grieve.

I cannot control how others act or how they perceive me. I can only control how i act and how i present myself.

I will not let this hurdle keep me down. I will get back up and keep moving forwards. No one can tell me how fast or slow i need to heal, only i am in control of that.

I do not have to face my feelings alone. I have friends who support me and want to see me succeed in life. Recovery may not be easy, but continuing to wallow in my depression and loneliness will only cause me harm. I will, in due time, find peace and recover from the loss that has pulled me down.

I may stumble, i may fall, i may be hurt again, but i must continue. Giving up is not an option. I cannot continue to run from my problems, avoiding danger altogether is impossible. I must learn to face my feelings, set boundaries, put myself first, and keep going, no matter how bleak things may look.

There may be times i need to rest, there may be times i feel overwhelmed, there may be times where i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm allowed to struggle, adversity sparks growth. I must not allow myself to stay down forever, though. I must not push myself too hard, but i also cannot allow myself to give up and not push at all.

I may not believe all these affirmations at the moment, but they are no less true because of it. In time i will find my path. It may not be easy, but it is a journey i must continue on, for my own sake. I am the most important person in my life and i must learn to value myself. I will keep going. Even small progress is progress.

[heartbreakposting]

I need to remember both my sketchbook and a notebook with lines for journalling when I'm at the Crucible. I'd type things out and post them here as i usually do, but there's no phones allowed in the club.

Hopefully it won't be too bad, but I'd like to be prepared if i need to get my emotions and thoughts out of my head and into a format that i can use to articulate and identify and feel and accept my emotions.

[heartbreakposting]

If home is where the heart is, my home must have been hit by a hurricane or something because my heart's really been going through it lately...

Idk if that even makes sense. Something, something, analogy or whatever. ugh, brain trying to shut itself off, I'd rather be asleep right now. Can't cry if you're unconscious. Though I've had a few dreams recently, so i can still be emotional while I'm asleep i guess, i just won't remember much unless i write it down right away.

[heartbreakposting]

Yeah, yesterday's interaction with Frank didn't exactly go great. I think i really should just wait for him to come to me when he's ready to try to be friends again. It's just so hard waiting for that, I'm so used to him being there for me that now with his cold and distant responses i feel like I'm just being a nuisance. Maybe i am being annoying. I know i shouldn't think that way because that's what the anxiety monsters in my brain want me to think, but i think sometimes they're right. I could ask him, but i don't know if he'd be fully honest with me, i think he's already feeling bad about hurting me and he's probably trying to stop himself from hurting me any more. Maybe keeping our distance is best, but it hurts to feel like strangers again, it hurts even more to feel like he maybe dislikes or resents me or something. At least he's mature enough to not just ghost me. It seems like i probably got off pretty lightly as far as breakups go. I always hear about bad fights and lots of animosity, and this, at least what i hope this is, is just loss of interest, falling out of love, not actively turning negative, just sort of neutrality.

It's honestly exhausting fighting my brain, shutting out the voices telling me it's my fault or that there's something i did, or didn't do, that ruined everything for me. The only thing I'm at fault for is investing so much of my livelihood in the relationship. I loved him so fully, with all my being, if i had stayed a bit more independent, didn't get so attached. It's like putting a paper towel on a wound, it sops up the blood, but the scab forms entangled with the fibers of the paper towel and when the time comes to take it off, it pulls the scab off and the wound is raw again. The urge to sop up the fresh blood the same way again is strong, even though i know it will likely have the same result. It just feels like when he left, he took part of me with him...

I'm so tired. I just want to stop. Everything feels like a lot. I thought i was getting better, but i made the same mistake of reaching out to him again. My only worry in waiting for him to reach out first is that he never will... Maybe it would be better to just give it up and assume he never will be ready and focus more on getting on without him. Maybe he'll surprise me at some point, but waiting expectantly will only have me constantly disappointed, whereas moving on i have a chance to be pleasantly surprised. I know, objectively, that's a smart thing to do, but it also feels very pessimistic.

Is it better to be pessimistic and right 99% of the time with the 1% pleasant surprise, or to be optimistic and constantly disappointed aside from the 1% where I'm right being positive?

[heartbreakposting]

Now I'm upset with myself for not seeing this coming. Of course it was a possibility, but my optimism is my downfall yet again.

[heartbreakposting]

Shattered heart aches in my chest.

Why is heartbreak worse than death?

My whole world shattered since that day,

Now i sit, alone, afraid.

I lost the one who kept me strong

The man i thought could do no wrong

But when our bond was roughly severed

I lost all hope of "us, forever"

I should have known it wouldn't last

That one day we'd leave it in the past

But no matter when, it feels too soon.

I'll howl my sorrow to the moon.

Commitment is hard, he made it clear

But losing him was my biggest fear

So lost without him, all alone

The one who made me feel at home.

His presence always brought me peace

And i was loyal, or tried, at least.

Now that he and i are split,

Honestly, i feel like shit.

It probably would be a lie

To say i wouldn't rather die.

But i cannot control his heart

And moving on, where do i start?

Okay, poetry bit over, it's too hard to get it out and stick to the rhyming scheme at the same time. I fucking miss him. A lot. And i don't know how much i can express to him, if any, without making it worse for both of us. I'm broken and direction less and lost and i just want to be loved again. And it's times like these that i question if he ever actually loved me in the first place. Or if he even can love... There was definitely something, he wouldn't have kept me around so long if he didn't like being around me. I wonder if it would have hurt any less if he broke it off sooner, when it was clear we had different desires for the relationship. I thought we could compromise, i could accept the slightly distant nature of it, and he could have his space and not feel pressured into anything he was uncomfortable with.

I'm having a really rough time today, but i can't drop that on him, at least not yet, otherwise Saturday will be extremely awkward. It probably already will be awkward, but I'm going to give it a try. I do need to gather the money for a membership though, if i want to stay for the party.

I wonder if Sarah would let me talk to her about how I'm doing. She seems like she likes me well enough, if she could play comforting mother in this situation, in a way that my mom couldn't without me coming out as kinky to her... Only if she's okay with it though, I'm sure she's got a lot on her plate already with the club and LF&P and whatever else is going on. I do have to remind myself that I'm allowed to ask for help though, if i ask there's a chance, if i don't then it's an automatic no. Though in the case of Frank, automatic no may be better than pushing him further and further away by asking and being told no.

Despite how manipulative i know it is, i still kind of hope he sees how much I'm struggling without him and that makes him feel bad enough to come to some sort of compromise with me. Does that make me a bad person? Is this something I'm allowed to be selfish about? I don't know...

Getting this out has helped. I think i might go back and reread the posts that helped me the most, like the one about not idealizing what we had and looking at it more realistically.

[heartbreakposting]

I want to talk to him. Maybe about relationship stuff, maybe just as friends talking, i don't know, but i want to have him back in my life in some capacity. I don't like that I'm always the one to go to him though. It makes me feel like I'm bothering him. I don't want to cause him problems if he's not ready to talk. I want to ask him if there were things i was doing that bothered him. I know if i ask too early, I'll just treat them as a list of things to prove how much i want him back, and the chances of that working out that way are probably pretty slim. I also want to not feel awkward sending him memes or articles or pictures or whatever.

It's so scary being alone... I want my normal back... I want my Frank back. I want him to hold me and pet my hair and bite me and fuck me and tie me up and hurt me, and gush to me about the things that interest him, and have him listen to me talk about what I'm interested in. Honestly at this point I'd just be happy to be able to hang out without it being awkward. We don't have to do any kink things or sexy things, but i want to be around him, because i can be myself around him. I know some day I'll probably find someone to fill that hole in my life again, but being with him gave me something I'd felt had been missing a long time. I don't really have a word for it, but i felt complete when i was his. A sort of purpose, i guess.

I'm scared when i see him Saturday he'll be distant and standoffish. I'm worried that he's afraid of changing his mind. I don't want to pressure him into it, i don't deserve to make that decision for him. Ultimately, it has to be him that comes to me if getting back together could ever possibly happen. I know that, but that puppy dog urge to follow my person around wherever he goes, beg and give sad eyes, show him how alone i am without him, how direction less my life has become... But that's manipulative, and i don't want to be like that.

I can't convince him to take me back. He has to decide that on his own. And in all likelihood he won't ever come to that decision. And i need to stop trying to herd him towards that decision. I haven't been, or I've been trying not to, but mentally I've been praying to gods that don't exist. Or if they do exist, they have no power over him and his decisions. I can wish all i want, but what i really need to do is accept that i am not in control of him, only of myself. And i need to take the initiative to make myself happy instead of waiting for someone to do it for me. I need to get myself out of my emotional, miserable, messy headspace, i need to ground myself, and i need to just keep moving forward. I need to stop being the toddler in the grocery store that's throwing a tantrum because I'm not allowed to have cookies. I need to get off my ass and get my own damn cookies.