hehasbeenablessing

[hehasbeenablessing]

It was so much more than he had spent a lifetime imagining.

Mary Balogh, from Thief of Dreams.

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@shadowofhoperemains asked:

“ my father doesn’t like anyone going in there. ”

“ oh. ”

he took a step back, as though he’d already done something wrong---even though he never would have entered the room without permission, of course. 

the idea that he might have somehow done so mistakenly was still an uncomfortable thought.

as was the inevitable curiosity that had bubbled up to the surface of his mind, despite the gnawing sense of guilt that came along with it.

“ i see. ”

instinctively, he put his hands together behind his back---like he always saw his father do---except, when his father did it, he looked confident. 

he eyed the door in question for another moment, and then---a little shamefully, he lowered his gaze back down to stare at his shoes.

don’t ask. 

and had he been with anyone else, he definitely wouldn’t have asked, but---things were different with darion.

he felt like they could talk about anything---which he didn’t suppose was a very good excuse to bring up difficult subjects.

in his head, he immediately resolved that he wouldn’t say anything else if darion didn’t want to talk about it. 

“ why not---? ” he glanced at the other boy from the corner of his eye---pitching his voice to a careful whisper, even though they were alone in the house. 

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #shadowofhoperemains

[hehasbeenablessing]

I tremble with what’s not there with full tenderness; the heart holds more than its own lifetime.

Rebecca Doverspike, from “Every present thing, a ghost of something,” Every Present Thing a Ghost: Poems (Slapering Hol Press, 2020)

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@cleansedoftheliving asked:

“ who told you that you weren’t beautiful? ”

anxiously, he lifted his eyes and blinked---aware of the uncertainty coursing through his veins, and of the fact that he didn’t have the slightest idea what to say. 

“ i--- ”

the question had caught him off guard---well, the entire conversation had caught him off guard, and he knew that he shouldn’t have been speaking to this man. 

he should have found a way---politely, to excuse himself from the room. 

and yet, every time that he attempted to do so---his efforts were foiled, which he was aware may have been intentional---but that didn’t make things any easier. 

if anything, it made things more difficult---because it meant that kel’thuzad wanted him to stay. 

“ ---ah, no one. no one. ”

he swallowed and lowered his eyes back down, feeling the lie slip over his tongue---clumsy, and quiet. 

but---he didn’t know what else he possibly could have said. it had been a strange question---one that he wasn’t entirely certain what he had done to bring about. 

or---perhaps that was a ridiculous thing to wonder. perhaps he needn’t have said anything in order for that conclusion to be drawn.

even so, he---hardly wished to talk about it, and he certainly wasn’t going to speak ill of someone else. 

“ that---isn’t what i meant to imply. ”

his eyes flickered across the floor below. he pushed a nervous hand through his hair.

he knew that he was likely overreacting.

but---something about the nature of the conversation, and how he felt beneath the older man’s eyes---made him uneasy. 

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #cleansedoftheliving

[hehasbeenablessing]

Well, I’ll keep my eyes wide for roses in the snow.

Tanith Lee, from Red as Blood: Tales of the Sisters Grimmer

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@heretofeedmyhounds asked:

“ no. i served under him. he was one of the only men i’ve known that i’ve trusted to lead. ”

they had been spreading hay inside the stable. he knew how to do it right---his uncle had showed him. but, right now, he’d paused to listen.

it was difficult to imagine his uncle following very many people, so---he knew this must have been true. not that he believed his uncle would have lied, either.

he didn’t say things just to make someone feel better. he could be trusted.

arator smiled.

it was a serious, quiet sort of smile---because hearing things about his father always made him both happy and sad, but---he loved hearing them.

he loved hearing them more than anything else---well, almost.

maybe he would have, but, his aunt sylvanas always told him not to spend too much time thinking about his parents, so, he tried to mind what she wanted.

but his thoughts usually came back to them, eventually.

especially his father. not because his mother mattered any less---he wanted to find her just as much, and he knew that she had been every bit as much of a hero.

but, ever since he’d met lord uther---and learned about the light, and felt it for himself---he’d felt a different sort of closeness to his father.

and it had come from the light---he was sure of that.

“ did you talk to him very much during the war? ”

there was a note of something both hopeful and curious in his voice.

the morning air was very cold. he could see a puff of his own breath when he spoke, but he wasn’t paying attention to that right now.

he pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes and watched his uncle’s face.

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #heretofeedmyhounds

[hehasbeenablessing]

… so the idea went with him, haunting him.

Tanith Lee, from Red as Blood: Tales of the Sisters Grimmer

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@cleansedoftheliving asked:

“ on the contrary. he’s a friend of mine, too. ”

a flicker of hesitation moved through him. 

“ ---oh, i see. ”

he looked like he didn’t know quite what to say, which was essentially true. there was something strange about all of this.

of course---given where he was, and the pretense under which he himself had come to the monastery---he supposed that anything might have put him on edge. 

but, still---though he might have appeared normal enough, it was hardly as though he’d never heard things about the man who was speaking to him now. 

on the contrary, he’d heard a number of things---and as far as he knew, none of the paladins trusted him.

what could a known advisor to the king possibly want with darion, anyway?

“ i don’t believe that he’s ever mentioned you. ”

he said this without really thinking---in defense of his own skepticism, perhaps---and as an excuse not to say anything more on the subject.

but, once the words had left his mouth---he realized that they sounded impolite, especially spoken to someone in kel’thuzad’s position.

no matter what controversy may have surrounded him. 

“ ---but he has a great deal on his mind, of course. ”

that, at least, wasn’t a lie---and he felt certain that he didn’t even begin to understand all of it. he wished that he had.

that there was something more he knew to do. 

he swallowed once and glanced over his shoulder---entertaining the hope the someone else might along and simply interrupt the conversation. 

but they seemed to be alone.

he tried to stand squarely---like he saw his father always do, and looked back at kel’thuzad---a bit of hair falling into his eyes. 

if darion was in some sort of trouble, the last thing he wanted was to mistakenly make things worse. 

“ are you here to speak with him, then---? ”

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #cleansedoftheliving

[hehasbeenablessing]

(…) the questions, and the striving toward answers, come from within.

Mary Oliver, from Wordsworth’s Mountain in “Long Life: Essays And Other Writings”

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@shadowofhoperemains asked:

he gave the other man a very long kiss on the mouth.

he wasn’t quite certain of what he’d expected to happen when darion leaned over and closed the lingering distance between them. 

perhaps it occurred too quickly for him to expect anything. 

or---perhaps he simply never would have known what to expect, regardless of how quickly or slowly it had been done.

and regardless of whether or not they had been discussing his own lack of fortune on the matter of---well, intimacy, he supposed. 

either way, the gesture that followed caught him well and sufficiently off guard. 

he didn’t move---quaintly enough.

despite any sense of politeness that might have compelled him to remain where he was, he imagined that he could have just as easily stepped back out of surprise.

then again, it also stood to reason that surprise might have rooted him in place. 

the feeling itself was cold---and not unpleasant---and struck him as rather gently carried out. undoubtedly, those were strange thoughts to entertain. 

he definitely found himself aware of that---even in the moment. 

but, even when the hows and whys of a thing should likely have been of more immediate concern---he could understand why it might’ve been difficult to avoid.

that was---to avoid being conscious of another man’s mouth when being kissed by him. 

when they broke apart, he blinked several times---and he didn’t possess the slightest idea of what to say. 

sometimes, it felt very apparent to him that darion was not nearly so dispassionate and humorless as he had come to present himself. 

this was one of those times. which wasn’t to imply that he knew exactly what had just happened. 

“ i---well, then. ” 

quietly, he cleared his throat and glanced away---a twinge of warmth coloring his features, and then he quirked an eyebrow at the other man. 

“ ---i believe that might’ve been considered a blasphemous thing---but, i see you’ve not turned to a pile of ash. ”

he paused, and then he looked down at himself in turn, blinking a few more times---respectfully. 

“ and nor have i been defiled beyond recognition. ”

on that front, he wasn’t being terribly serious, of course---if anything, he was endeavoring to be amusing. 

though, certain people did likely believe such things. 

and they could all sense it, inevitably---the coldness, the tainted blood that moved slowly through the unnatural hearts of any undead being. 

so, he might’ve expected this manner of closeness to chill him to the bone---to hurt, even---but, it hadn’t, and it didn’t. 

he could feel it---the stark difference between them, but---it wasn’t greater than the feeling of being near someone he knew, and someone he loved. 

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #shadowofhoperemains

[hehasbeenablessing]

My heart with longing that the night’s sleeve spilled,

Dylan Thomas, from The Collected Poems.

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@shadowofhoperemains asked:

“ you should think of me differently. ”

he didn’t altogether flinch at the sentiment---bitter and coarse as it may have been to hear spoken aloud. 

once, he expected that he would have recoiled---now, he settled for nursing a faint grimace and ignoring the quickened pace of his own heartbeat. 

in other words, he could have looked worse---which didn’t necessarily mean that he felt any better.

he wasn’t sure that something of that nature could ever feel better. perhaps it had no right to do so. 

perhaps it would always weigh heavily upon his soul. what had been lost---and what still remained. 

“ i---suppose that i do, in a way. ”

these words came out with a measure of care. he wasn’t directly regarding darion---not at the moment, but---he was aware of him, from the corner of his line of vision. 

it was never quite easy to look upon him anymore. but, when he did look, he did feel that he could see him---truly see him, as he truly was. 

“ i would be lying if i claimed that i always knew what to think. ”

he wasn’t sure that he would have felt worthy of entirely passing such a judgment, even if his feelings on the matter had been less conflicted.

he knew that darion had changed. 

he knew that there may have been mercy, and purity---in not permitting anyone to suffer the existence that darion and his fellows now suffered.

but he also knew that they had found a purpose of their own---and walked a path that others could not walk. 

and he knew that---in some form, his friend remained---perhaps more so than darion would have told him to believe.

and there was a fragile sort of hope in that feeling.  

“ but, whatever our differences may be now, i---believe that we’re still fighting for what we always fought for. ”

what you died fighting for. 

he wasn’t certain if the weight of that unspoken truth was sincerely resting between them, or---if he was simply contending with his own sense of guilt and remorse. 

either way, a little tension had grown in his throat. he swallowed and lowered his features slightly, attempting---in earnest, to catch the other man’s gaze. 

the look in his own eyes was solemn, and resolute. 

when he spoke again, there was a feeling of gentle steadiness to his voice. 

“ aren’t we? ”

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #shadowofhoperemains

[hehasbeenablessing]

You are like me, wishing for such perfect moments, and frightened for fear of spoiling them.

Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@corruptionshallbepunished asked:

“ oh. it’s you. ” she raised her eyebrows at him, a delicate sneer curling over her lips.  “ what do you want? ”

“ i--- ”

his mouth had gone a little dry. 

she was sitting on the steps leading up to the alter, near the back of the cathedral. 

her legs were neatly crossed, and there was an old, weathered book in her hands. 

she looked very beautiful. she always did. 

he knew that she didn’t sway him quite the way that she swayed darion---and countless other people, but---it wasn’t as though he didn’t understand.

as much as he might have wished that it hadn’t been that way---especially for the other boy’s sake. 

she also looked less than pleased to see him, but---well, he supposed that went without saying, too. 

he’d entered from one of the adjacent chambers---he hadn’t noticed her presence until he’d been almost upon her. 

regrettably. 

otherwise, he might have avoided the encounter---and saved them both the grief. 

“ forgive me, i didn’t mean to intrude. ”

he recovered himself and took a courteous step away, folding his hands together behind his back. 

a twinge of warmth had risen in his face. quietly, he cleared his throat and lowered his gaze, blinking steadily downward.

he was used to it, of course. to seeing her, and to seeing how she regarded him---it wasn’t as though it genuinely startled him anymore. 

but, that didn’t make it pleasant---especially when it caught him off guard.

“ i was looking for darion. ”

he hadn’t, actually---been specifically looking for darion, that was. but, it seemed better---less awkward, to give himself a clear purpose.

along with an excuse to take his leave, though---he expected that she would not have cared either way.

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #corruptionshallbepunished

[hehasbeenablessing]

But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.

Lemony Snicket; The Beatrice Letters.

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings ) #( do not lose faith // darion )

[hehasbeenablessing]

@shadowofhoperemains asked:

“ your father doesn’t believe in what we do. ”

a slight frown deepened the furrow of his brow. he looked pensive, and quietly troubled. perhaps because there was no simple answer to give. 

of course, it was his natural inclination to speak in defense of his father---to make an effort to bridge the gap between worlds. 

but, he’d come too far and seen too much to be that impulsive---or that naïve. dismissing the issue would not solve it.

thus, he chose what to say with care. 

“ i’m---not sure that i would go quite that far. ”

his tone was conscientious, and serious. the line of his mouth had gone somewhat thin. 

their people might have fought beside one another to vanquish a common enemy many times, but---even that unity had done little to quell their differences. 

some things were too vast---too fundamental. 

he wished to believe that he did not pass judgment too harshly. that the light could work through any noble deed, even those veiled by shadow.

it was something that he had witnessed firsthand---from darion, and the knights of the ebonblade, and---more recently, from his own mother. 

but that didn’t mean that he suffered no doubts---that he never struggled to know what was sacred, and what could be trusted. 

darion had been a friend---his closest friend. there had been a time when he’d thought him lost forever. 

only to learn that the reality of the situation was something far more difficult to fathom. 

slowly, he’d come to trust him again---well, it might have appeared swift to certain people, but---it hadn’t felt that way to him. 

still---he’d reached that point, whatever his fears and misgivings. now, he would have trusted darion with his life. 

but, he never would have claimed that his friend wasn’t different---darkened. 

he didn’t suppose the darion would have made such a claim either. 

and if he, along with many of his order---still contended with the matter, he could not imagine how such an allegiance must have appeared to someone like his father. 

“ he’s had less time than most to become---familiar, with the concept. ”

the only death knights his father had ever known had been savage creatures enslaved to the old horde, possessed by foul spirits.

twisted mockeries of the men they had been in life---or so he’d been told. 

he could feel that he believed that his father would change, learn---come to accept other things, just as he’d found a way to accept his mother.

and yet---did he know that, truly? no---he supposed it wasn’t possible for him to know that. 

despite the relief at having found them at last---his father and mother remained strangers to him in ways that he’d failed to contemplate before. 

he pushed a hand through his hair and lifted his gaze to eye darion---looking earnest, and solemn. 

“ please, tell me if there’s anything i might do to help. ”

#( i would gladly lay down my life and fight for the order of the silver hand // ic ) #shadowofhoperemains

[hehasbeenablessing]

Adonis, from Selected Poems; “Candlelight” (tr. Khaled Mattawa)

#( do your dreams change? mine do not // musings )