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Bright pink bag

So we arrived at the WFI (Wales Fertility Institute) with great anticipation, scared, excited nervous but most of all ready!

The room in the WFI was quite small, busy and still hot! We sat and waited for our names to be called whilst trying not to stare and second guess what all the other couples are thinking. 

We didn’t have to wait ling and were greeted by the most amazing women, Beth. She was calming, easy to talk to and listen to and explained everything we would be going through over the next weeks.

She talked us through all the drugs we would be talking, when we need to take them and for how long, it’s a complete mind field and so much to take in. 

We were given a bright pink paper bag which contained our needles, needle box and some further paperwork. At this stage I thought we were starting the drugs that evening but as it happens we had another few weeks to wait to start as it should be in our cycle in order to down regulate my body and prepare...

We were sent on our way with our prescription to collect the drugs and advised we would be starting the treatment on the 30th September...

 #fertilitybattles #IVF

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IVF Process update

Had a call on Friday to cancel our appointment on the 3rd, my initial reaction was sheer disappointment, but this was quickly overturned by a little bit of nervous excitement.

The lady from WFI said she has reviewed our results from the last consultation and she wanted to check we were happy to start treatment!

I said yes of course and after checking some of my cycle dates, we are booked in to start treatment on the 18th September...

Watch this space....

#fertilitybattles IVF

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1st IVF consultation...

So James and I had our first IVF consultation on Friday, to say I was anxious leading up to the appointment would be an understatement! The feeling of excitement, nerves, tiredness and overall pressure is just exhausting and really difficult to put into words...

However Dr Ibrahim was just lovely, he’s a larger than life chap with a deep Scottish accent, which at first was quite difficult to understand but instantly made me feel at ease.

Having talked everything through with him he agreed the only option was full IVF, we would have to have a further blood text for egg storage and an internal scan there and then...

We also talked about the Chlomid and how that hasn’t worked at all due to the levels I was showing on my blood tests, he advised to stop that straight away to avoid any risk of ovarian cancer.

The internal scan was fine, I’ve had a few before now and it’s actually quite interesting what you can see up there! After a good route around he saw a mature egg, unfortunately this was on the wrong bloody side (read previous posts where left Fallopian tube has been removed) whilst disappointing sods law with me! At first my right ovaries were hiding and they couldn’t be seen, this was a bit daunting but stayed calm and my bowel decided to let them come out to be seen! #Phew 

Next to another blood test, now think it’s 30 degrees here in the UK at the mo, the NHS doesn’t have a lot of money and the room was SO hot...and yes you guessed it I fainted...

Now this is not uncommon for me but I haven’t for a while and this was a bad one...I couldn’t feel my hands or feet for a good 45 minutes so I was out on a drip...great! After having 3 consultants and 3 nurses (who were all just wonderful!) in this really hot room with me, fluids taken in, some sugary biscuits and 1.5 hrs later I was allowed to leave.. 

I tell you what I don’t do things by half... on my notes I am now known as ‘The Fainter’!

Next appointment is the 3rd September, James has to have another semen count in August and we should be good to go to start the full process then....

#NHS #Fainter #IVF #Fertility #Fertilitybattles #livinginhope 

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Zita West

Ok, so I read those books in about 5 minutes, they are so interesting and helpful...

#ZitaWest fertility fertilitybattles

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I was advised to read two books by my sister in law which helped her through IVF...so I've got them! Let's get reading! #fertilitybattles #fertility

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Day 1...

It's day 1 of 6 of the dreaded Chlomid...wish me luck! #chlmoidcrazies

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Unexpected call...

So I took a call today from the IVF clinic, we've been expedited and have our first appointment on the 21st June! Such a strange feeling came over me in one go, excited, super nervous and of course anxiety. I called James straight away and gave him the low down on what we need to take to the appointment, that being a passport sized photo and ID, we're under strict instructions if we don't take them we won't be seen! **I've put a reminder in my phone** We're seeing a consultant who the receptionist referred to as the gentle giant...hoping he is!!

#fertilitybattles

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Fertility Battles...ongoing!

So, we had a lovely Christmas and the break away did us good. We felt refreshed and I felt ready to give the chlomid another go. I had our first gynaecology appointment via the NHS which we have been waiting for for about 12 months and saw a lovely consultant, he was kind listened patiently and we discussed the miscarriage and the chlomid side effects I’d been having.

We decided to do another few cycles of the 50mg chlomid and see how we get on. I have to have been on them for at least 3 cycles before anything else would be discussed, i.e. IVF. The consultant said he would see us in 4 months’ time.

Those 4 months have been long...I had more blood tests after each cycle on day 21, but these were still coming out with mixed results, and not really showing any improvement in ovulation. Both James and I also needed to have more blood tests in readiness for the possibly of having IVF in the future. The blood tests were for HIV....these came back clear...phew...another thing ticked off as positive step towards the future. 

Unfortunately still no pregnancy after 3 cycles on the 50mg Chlomid and the ongoing disappointment is very hard to bare each month.

We had our second NHS appointment on the 10th April, luckily, we saw the same consultant who was lovely again. He advised that as the 50mg didn’t seem to be really helping with ovulation he was happy to increase the dosage to 100mg, which after further chats to James we decided to give it a go whilst waiting for our next appointment. 

We have now been referred to IVF, whilst still taking the 100mg of Chlomid.

One thing I will say is that the side effects of 100mg chlomid are even worse than the 50mg, I had a complete melt down last month as James had bought too much bread for a BBQ, I mean, who cares?! I can’t tell you how crazy they make you feel. The intense up and down feelings last for about 3 days, when I cry, shout and generally feel like I’m losing my mind. They do advise you take time off work or at least make sure you can have some ‘you’ time, but this isn’t always possible as you can imagine. I hate the crazy chlomids!

So, we are now on the very long waiting list to be referred for IVF as I mentioned, I am not really sure how I feel about this, but I want to make sure we give ourselves every chance possible to try to have a family of our own...

Let’s see what happens over the next long wait until our next appointment or until we hear anything re the IVF...

The battle continues...

#fertility battles struggles

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Fertility Battles

Since my last post things have been a bit all over the shop shall we say. 

I’ve had more blood tests than I thought imaginable, I’m on first name terms with the nurses at my GP. Now, for someone who absolutely cannot stand the sight of a needle this is an achievement! 

So where do I start...

It’s been 18 months since the ectopic and things have progressed very slowly, but I guess in a positive way in some respects.

We decided to take some time to visit a private consultant at our local private hospital, this wasn’t overly expensive but was money well spent as having to wait up to 12 months to see a gynaecologist via the NHS and life moving faster each day, we wanted to get moving. 

The initial consultation was fast, lots to take in and lots more tests needed to try to find out what if any problems I am having trying to conceive naturally.

I was advised that I needed to have the following:

Triple swabs tests, these are to ensure there is no infection and they also test for Chlamydia which I didn't know can have an adverse effect on fertility. These were carried out just like a smear test, results back and all clear.

Second step was to have a scan of my womb to check I had no fibroids or see if there was anything else blocking the tubes.  I attended the appointment on my own, without my husband, I was dreading it as the last time I had a scan I was told I had lost our baby, but I put on a brave face and went. The scan was fine, and all confirmed they couldn’t see any issues. I was also offered a laparoscopy surgery (Key hole) to be 100% sure, I refused this as I didn’t want to have to undergo any more surgery unless I had to.

Third step was to be booked in via radiology for an ultrasound pelvic examination x-ray of my uterus by having a Hysterosalpingogram, or HSG in simpler terms! This was not as straight forward as a smear as I had to have dye inserted through my fallopian tube to check they were clear and there were no blockages...

The procedure was invasive and was under the care of radiology, the group of nurses were wonderful, however my consultant was an hour late which as you can imagine was painful to have to be kept waiting. The procedure was horrible I’m not going to lie! A small tube is inserted into the neck of the cervix and dye inserted through the tube. The dye would not go through the first time, as it need to be seen on the X-ray as going through the tube. I got myself worked up at this stage and my consultant was adamant, so she tried again. After what felt like an age (was about 20 mins) the dye finally went through, the sensation was bizarre, but a big relief as it meant my remaining tube was not blocked - Yey! 

In amongst these steps I had had 3 blood tests after each period on day 21, the tests were to see if I was ovulating as I should be as there was no other medical reason I shouldn’t be getting pregnant. 

You have to have a progesterone level of over 28 to be classed as ovulating, my results were yes, no, maybe...so that was a bit confusing!

This eventually led on to understanding that I do not ovulate as much as I should, whilst all the other procedures I had had were positive, this was a bit of a shock for me as I always felt like I was ovulating each month, you know pains in your stomach, night sweats etc etc...

The consultant advised to go on a treatment called Chlomid, I now know it as the Crazy Chlomids...you have to take it for 5 conclusive days from the second day of your period. It is quite simply vile how it makes you feel. However, in good spirits I gave it a go, much to my husband’s delight...

I was advised to start on the lowest dose of 50mg and only for 4 cycles as it can have adverse effects such as multiple births, it can cause ectopic pregnancies and has some rather random side effects. I was at first scared to go on the drugs, mainly due to possible ectopic.

After the end of the first cycle I started to bleed, not really knowing what this was and if it was normal I just put it down to a change in hormones. For some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test, I have no idea why, but it came back positive, so much emotion happened, I was instantly scared as I was bleeding and I just thought I was having another ectopic, I went to the doctors the next day.

All the feelings came rushing back, the doctor advised I was probably miscarrying. I had a blood text and like the ectopic has to wait 48 hours for the results. They were quite low, and I knew the procedure, come back in, have another test and wait and see if my hsg levels had dropped. These next 4 days were as last time the longest time ever, I knew deep down I had miscarried and over those days I passed some large clots, which were of course the baby. 

The only positive thing to come out of it was the fact that my HSG levels had dropped and I was not having an ectopic, a huge sigh of relief. We were booked to go on holiday the week after and I was never so happy to get away.

The miscarriage happened at the end of November, we were advised to stop the chlomid for a full cycle after having a normal period again.

James and I decided to have a few months off trying and start again in the New year....

Let’s see what the New Year brings! I just remind myself I am healthy and alive and we have a good life so that keeps me going!

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My ectopic pregnancy

5th September 2017

My ectopic pregnancy, a year on.

My husband and I had been trying to conceive for nearly a year, we thought it would be easy, I’d come off the pill and thought it’ll all be simple, we’ll get pregnant and then all we’ll have to worry about is what pram to buy. Unfortunately, on 5th September 2016 our lives changed forever.

Here’s my story of my ectopic pregnancy.

My periods were always pretty straight forward being on the pill from such a young age, I knew when they were due, how long they’d last and how much pain I would/wouldn’t get. I was always pretty lucky, I only ever suffered with a few spots, slightly bigger boobs and a little bit of lower back pain throughout my period, that’s about it.

In August 2016, I was away with work when I was anticipating my period becoming due, I felt like it was coming but as I was away and busy on a work trip I didn’t think anything about the fact that I was actually 3 days late. I had the usual period like symptoms and was just ‘waiting’ for my period to start. It was an extremely busy time of year so I just put it down to a bit of stress for the delay.

On the evening of Friday 12th August 2016 my husband and I (James) were going to a friend’s wedding party, for some reason I wanted to drive, it was only a 10 minute drive but we were trying to save a bit of money and I didn’t really want a hangover the next day. We got to the party, I felt very anxious as I often do in large groups but had a lovely evening none the less.

I woke up early on the Saturday morning, 13th August 2016. I’m always an early riser (we have a Labrador that insists on a walk asap in the mornings!) I had this sudden urge to do a pregnancy test, I didn’t wake my husband, I did it alone, not really having any major thoughts about it being positive or not. It was a cheap test I had bought months ago, I waited and it was positive, ever so slightly but it was positive. I didn’t know what to do next, what to feel, I just put the test next to my husbands bedside table and went to walk the dog. I was in a bit of shock I guess, happy but in shock, we'd being trying for so long.  I left my husband sleeping and I set off with Stan (Our dog).

On my return with Stan I went up to see to James in bed, he hadn’t seen the test. So I told him I was pregnant. He gave me the biggest smile, he had just woke up mind so he was slightly confused, he thought the positive test may have just been an ovulation stick as we’d been trying those aids for a while. He was very pleased as he has always wanted to be a dad.

We both wanted to make sure it was 100% positive so we said we’d go out to get a more expensive test, by this time I was nervous but happy.

We got showered and changed and headed out to obtain a pregnancy test from the local chemist. We bought it and went across to a local café. I immediately disappeared to the toilet to do the test, to my absolute joy it was still positive. I took it back to show James (in a tissue in my bag of course) and he was just so happy, he smiled from ear to ear, I remember him saying my beautiful pregnant wife. I took a picture of the test as we were discussing how we should tell our family further down the line. I’ve still got that picture saved, I don’t think I’ll ever delete it.

We carried on our day as normal, bumping into people and feeling like I wanted to tell the world, I was only 5 weeks pregnant so obviously didn’t. We both decided not to tell anyone and would wait until we had a proper scan before we broke the news.

I called the doctor on the Monday morning and said ‘I’m pregnant’, I didn’t have clue what I was supposed to do! The lady took a few details and advised that a midwife would be in touch, she ended the call saying congratulations, I smiled.

On the Tuesday I started to bleed, it was very light to start with, so I googled it and read that this can be normal in early pregnancy so I tried to think positive. I also spoke to my midwife, she seemed pleasant enough. I gave her my dates of last period etc and I remember saying ‘oh and I think I should mention I have some bleeding’ she didn’t seem phased at all, she asked me a few more details and advised I should see how it goes and if it gets worse to contact her.

The next few days were just spent thinking will the bleeding stop or not and constant google searches about bleeding in pregnancy, not once did ectopic pregnancy appear in searches.

I tried to contact my midwife but kept getting her voicemail. I contacted my doctors again as I was by now getting very anxious and they gave me an external midwife number to contact. I called the number and it stated, ‘This line is not monitored, do not leave a message’ I was at a complete loss as to what to do next. I felt like I had nowhere to go next. I had gone from being happy to very scared and lonely with no professional support.

The bleeding was getting heavier so at this point I thought I was suffering a miscarriage, I wasn’t in any real pain but just wanted the bleeding to stop. I was bleeding so much I had to change my underwear every few hours, this was distressing for me.

It got to the stage where I wasn’t able to concentrate in work so I had  to discuss the situation with my business partner as I suffered quite a heavy loss that morning and was constantly back and forth to the toilet. Her mother was an retired midwife and she advised me to call the hospital. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate hospitals, I’d been in a few times to visit my family but not really for myself. I called the EPU (Early pregnancy Unit) and the lady I spoke to was fantastic, she advised me to come in as soon as I could.

James came with me to the appointment in the hospital, I was met by a lady called Jo, she was really gentle, really listened and took the usual observations. She advised my husband and I that it was highly like I was going through a miss-carriage. She also took my bloods that day and I got the results a few hours afterwards. The doctor explained my hormone levels should be a lot higher than they were and that I would need to come to the hospital every 48 hours to be monitored. She explained the hormone levels should be doubling every test, this is what happens when you’re pregnant (I didn’t have a Scooby about this!) if they were falling then I was losing the baby.

48 hours later I went back to the hospital as planned and had another blood test. The test showed that my hormone level had increased. But only slightly and nowhere near doubled. James and I were very confused and James asked a nurse what does this result mean? The nurse casually said to him it maybe ectopic and they need to see if the hormone levels plateau. James didn’t really have a clue what she meant and had never heard the word ectopic before. I didn’t hear the nurse mention this but James did tell me what she said.  

I spent the next week at the hospital every 48 hrs checking to see if my hormone levels were decreasing…this was so disheartening and draining.

The 3rd blood test showed my hormone levels had decreased. This is when James and I got into our head I that was having a miscarriage.

We had planned a trip to London a while back and decided to still go and visit family even though I was going through a horrible time. I explained what was happening to my brother and sister in law. On the way back from London we attended my nephew’s birthday party, this was a particularly hard time for me as trying to keep a smile when all I could think about was what was wrong with me. Nobody knew at this point I was pregnant let alone what James and I were going through.

James told his family at the birthday party. We had to leave early to do another blood test so he wanted his family to know why we had to leave early. They are a very close family. His family were very comforting towards me.  

On the Sunday evening at the hospital my blood test showed that my hormone levels had increased again, so this was even more confusing and upsetting. At this point I still thought I may be pregnant and was hoping for the absolute miracle. I was told to call again if I had any pain in my shoulders or if the bleeding got heavier.

I had a very busy week ahead, we were opening a new store and I was the lead in the opening so I was trying my best to do what I could, but my bleeding was causing me some discomfort at this point and also trying to keep a smile when all you want to do is cry was so hard. I was trying to keep focused for my colleagues. I couldn’t.

I was booked in for an ultra sound later that week to see if the baby was there, I remember being so scared, you see things on the TV that all look happy and seeing the baby on the screen, this was so far from that, I was scared shitless. I knew deep down it was bad news but I remained hopeful that my baby would suddenly be ok. The sonographer I had was to put it bluntly, very rude. It didn’t seem to bother her that I was potentially going to have some very bad news, there was no emotion, compassion, nothing at all. After what felt like an age she finally advised she couldn’t see a baby in the womb but she could see a clot in my left fallopian tube and it was not a viable pregnancy and that it was ectopic.

I was then asked to go and sit in the consultant’s room, the consultant gave me two bits of paper with no real information on and said I needed to decide whether to have keyhole surgery or have methotrexate to remove the pregnancy (A toxic injection that medically manages ectopic pregnancy). This was the most horrendous few minutes of my life. Whilst my husband and I were trying to decide what was best for me the two women in the room were laughing and joking about their day, I felt like I wanted to scream. It was so unprofessional.

We decided to have the methotrexate injections instead of opting for surgery.

That afternoon I had the methotrexate injections in both my thighs, this was the worst pain I had ever felt at this point. I couldn’t walk very much after and my stomach pain was increasing. As the nurse advised me it would get worse before it got better I just assumed this was normal.

On the evening of Sunday I was in such intense pain I was screaming when going to the toilet, I didn’t know what to do, I remember my husband asking me on a scale of 1 to 10 what is your pain, I said I think 10. We called the EPU straight away and they advised to take me to A&E.

The car journey to A&E felt like a lifetime, I could barely walk at this point as I was crimpled in pain. The lady at the desk at A&E was great, she took me through to another section of the hospital to be away from all the waiting room staring at me, and I saw a doctor immediately.

I was rushed up to EPU and saw a consultant, she examined me and advised I needed emergency surgery in order to save my life, your ectopic has ruptured and I was bleeding heavily internally, we need to act now before the worse could happen. I didn’t really know what to do or say, I was in so much pain, I was terrified. I kept saying “why me?” I was so upset and in a great deal of pain.

The next thing I know is I signed a form and I was on a bed being take to theatre. I remember saying to James if I don’t make it I love you, I’m sorry and look after Stan (Our dog). I was so scared, it suddenly dawned on me that I could have died.

I had to have a laparotomy and lost my left fallopian tube.

The next few days in hospital were the worst ever, I had not only lost our baby but having the most evasive surgery, (basically having a C-Section but not having a baby at the end) just ruined me. I had never had surgery before, never been in a hospital for myself and just felt so alone.

I was a fit, healthy and a young (ish!) woman.  I couldn’t even move, let alone walk. I couldn’t even move to sit up, I felt lost, angry and very sad.

I had some other minor issues after the surgery which meant I had to stay in for nearly a week. The hospital left a lot to be desired, but I felt safe in there as I didn’t know what to expect when I knew I had to leave, I would be on my own. I was scared to say the least. The worst thing was we were in the middle of moving house at the time, I was so frustrated, I couldn’t help at all, I couldn’t pack or unpack or anything. I’m such a hands-on person and this frustrated me so much.

Throughout the whole experience my husband was the strongest most wonderful man, I felt so sad that I couldn’t carry his baby and that I was now dependant on him to get better. But he didn’t moan, he just looked after me.

Despite this he is also a very practical person and needed to move on very quickly, I felt couldn’t.

I had lost a huge part of me, I had lost one of my fallopian tubes and of course our baby. Despite being very lucky that I was alive, I suffered with PTSD, my body had dramatically changed and I couldn’t look in the mirror for a long time. I needed counselling, I simply didn’t know where to turn.

After my operation, I didn’t have any guidance or wasn’t provided with any information on what to do next, I needed someone to talk to, some friends or just someone to listen. I was just sent away from the hospital with my pain relief and that was it.

If anyone knows me I am a google geek, I’m always like ‘oh wait I’ll google it’…through google I found a fantastic site that helped me through some of my darkest days.

I spent a lot of time on the ectopic.org.uk website, they have this fantastic forum and the volunteers on the site made me feel very comfortable, they listened, they offered advice and were the most fantastic sounding board. I cannot thank the ladies enough. The best thing about the site was they have all suffered in the same way, some worse, so they understood what I was going through. I hadn’t just lost a baby, I had lost a part of me and having a constant reminder on your body in the shape of a 5 inch scar where the baby should have come out of is difficult.

My original due date was a tough day (April 17th), you’re always thinking why isn’t she/he here? But I got through it.

Still to this day when I look at my scar I have very mixed feelings, lucky to be alive and a reminder of what I had been through. I often can’t touch it and rarely look at it.

 What I have learned.

There is not enough awareness of ectopic pregnancies, if I had been diagnosed sooner I may have not lost a tube, which meant I would not have a less chance of getting pregnant in the future and may have not needed such evasive surgery, which I have to see every day.

There is definitely not enough support afterwards, or easily available advice.

Having an ectopic pregnancy was a hugely overwhelming experience. It’s not just the physical demands, I have never felt so much emotion of grief, anxiety, being so fearful of everything and everyone being so confused all in one go.

To this day I have never heard back from my given midwife.

It is ok to grieve. I still grieve, not only about the loss of the baby but the loss of how my body changed so dramatically and how deep my PTSD went. People will avoid you as they don’t know what to say, I get that.

What I understand is that it was and still ok to avoid people that were/are pregnant. I still find this difficult to this day, not that I am not happy for those people, it just takes me a while to come around.

I now suffer quite bad ovulation pains and my scar tissue gives me jip all the time but it reminds me that I’m alive, so for that I am grateful.

I’m very open about my situation and comfortable talking about it if I need to.

Each day a year on, I remember how lucky I am to be alive and am eternally grateful for all the love and support I have had from family, the friends that were there for me, my counsellor and some complete strangers.

James and I will hopefully be able to have a family one day, I can’t say I am not scared in the slightest, I'm so scared but now I am positive to feel able to move on.

The only way is forward now, I must remember each day to be kind to myself (wonderful advice from my counsellor) and James and I are together stronger.

#ectopicpregnancy