helphelphelpuniverse-blog

[helphelphelpuniverse-blog]

Advice?

Nobody cares. Sometimes you think someone will give a shit but they never do. People don’t care about your feelings or emotions. All people care about is themselves. Sometimes I hope that I will be noticed and that my feelings will matter but I’m still waiting. Today I wanted to tell this guy that I was sorry but I didn’t get a chance because I too was very self centered. Fuck. Here let’s start from the beginning. 7th grade started and there was a kid in my classHe was super annoying but by december we became friends. It was cool. We would quote vines together and I liked it. I was also very honest with him. I said some things that I have never told anyone. I said everything I was unable to express before. I had no idea why and then I realized that I liked him. This was confusing because for about a year and a half I had identified as a lesbian. He basically turned me straight. This is when my emotional attachment began. I became attached because I felt like he made this huge change for me but not really. He just helped a discovery that was sure to happen. This was unhealthy. I believed that he was the key to me being normal. About two weeks passed and then I told him that I had a crush on him. He basically said cool and moved on with asking who else liked him. It was rough. Later he discussed with me this girl that he liked. He said that he wanted to date someone and that he didn’t know who to ask. The whole time in my head I was thinking MEEE YOU DUMBASS DATE MEE! He would never know how much I liked him. I liked him so much that I found out his schedule so I would know when I would see him in the hall. I would sneak glances at him during class and I would watch his four square games at recess. He would never know this. We had some chats over snapchat and he would say that I could always talk to him but I knew I could never be 100% honest about how I felt. One night I was venting to my friend about how I felt, as people do, and she decided to snap him this long ass thing about how he should care about me and how he was being an ass. It was a bit much, and when I say a bit I mean more than a bit. He texted me the next day that he didn’t want to be friends. I was devastated. The next day I decided to block him and change his name to asshole in my phone. Bad idea. I told him that I was annoyed and he said ok. I told him to fuck off. Even worse idea. We have ignored each other and I have hated every second of it. I decided that I should apologize for everything and for yelling at him for my friend. I may have also kicked him and pushed him into a recycling bin for my friend. I now feel like he hates me and that I am nothing but a nuisance to him. I feel awful and I miss not only having a friend but just someone that I could talk to. I miss being friends. It is pretty much my fault and it is all because I decided to share my emotions. I guess that I should hide them. I miss him….shit. That hurt to admit. I am honestly mad at my friend. I haven’t told her because she was just trying to help me but it did more harm than it helped. I wish that I could take back what I said and how I reacted. In hindsight it would have been better to have a real live conversation then talking over text. Phones have ruined my ability to connect with someone in real life. I should have had a conversation and I should have been able to have an interaction with him. My only really honest conversations were over text or snapchat. It makes it even harder then it has to be to have a conversation in real life. God I wish I wasn’t such an asshole. I can’t even talk to him now because I don’t have a barrier so he won’t be able to see my reaction. I realized that I should not be the only one that apologizes. I should because all of the shitty things I have said/done but he should too. He trusted some stupid text that my friend said rather than asking me or ignoring what she said. That’s what really gets me. Not that he was annoying or ignorant but the fact that he wouldn’t trust me. (Side note: I am an asshole to everyone. It has become a problem because I say things in the moment that I can’t take back. I don’t know how to change or stop. It’s like I have no filter and when I do I just decide that that is the time to stop talking. Convenient.) People have told me that I am a trustworthy person but why not him. If I could tell him all of this then my life would be so much better.