hereitalkonandon

[hereitalkonandon]

Title

I told you in my first letter that I didn't eat meat or dairy, only because it was really important to me, but I wasn't expecting you to remember, it was also just a sentence or two. And I really didn't think you would answer with a long letter, just probably say something about feeling relieved and that it didn't look like I was someone that actually knew you in real life or something.

I didn't say I stay away from most foods, though. I eat bread and pasta too, I eat everything that has nothing to do with animals. Yesterday I actually made pasta because it was this small package and yet it was over 800 calories, I only used mushrooms and this 450 grams jar of tomato sauce.

If I feel like it I will make spaghetti today. I've decided to try to eat a lot of pasta while I'm here, since it's fattening. What I meant is that if I wanted to eat a lot of calories I couldn't just do it with a jar of peanut butter a day or something similar, a week would be fine, but if I tried to keep that up it would be way too much fat for my heart no matter how healthy I was. Three spoons a day would probably be healthy, but that's not even 300 calories. And that other than that most fattening foods have something to do with animals.

I also eat anything unhealthy that I feel like having, but really, without cheese, is there any tasty junk food left? I loved cheese so much. I don't miss it because I know that most cows go through hell. But I loved it, that was the thing that I ate the most, chocolate milk too, but cheese was beautiful, and there are so many types.

Then I also ate enough butter. Now I try to compensate with potatoes, they are great too. I had some pizzas made with potato cheese and they were great, it tasted like real cheese, sort of like cream cheese but the texture was like mozzarella. But there are probably a lot of awful potato cheeses out there. And that's the only fake cheese I've had.

I used to eat Mexican food at least twice a week, I never liked it that spicy and I used a lot of cheese and sour cream, it's good, it depends, I don’t like all the dishes.

Obviously they make a lot of awful stuff and call it Mexican food, but I feel like Taco Bell is probably decent even if it's not the real thing, I just never got to try it. It looks like junk food, that's why I assume it should be good. I loved junk food, I still would.

I don't care for jalapeños though, only when you can't see them, when they mix them with nacho cheese. Not that I have nacho cheese anymore, and nacho cheese is actually American of course.

Before I dropped dairy my favorite foods were Mexican, Italian, and also burgers and Mac and Cheese, many things that Americans love, now I can't tell, I would probably say "potato."

I often eat bananas, beans, avocados, mushrooms, bread, tortillas, either made from corn or flour, sometimes soy chorizo. It's this sort of meat, but fake, obviously. It has always been so common here, though, you can get it made from pork or from soy in every store. I guess it's that common because of pork allergies or something, it tastes the same as the one made from pork, probably because it has a lot of condiments.

And they make tacos out of everything but the best were the ones made with adobada, which is pork too, it looks red because of how they prepare it. Anyway, I sometimes make tacos with soy chorizo, they taste the same.

I remember that Victor liked Mexican food too, and yesterday I thought that, though I don't feel like I would have wished my ex-girlfriend ill or hated her if my break up had happened back when I was Victor's age, since we had some fights back then and I never behaved like that, maybe he wouldn't have behaved like that if your break up had happened when he was 24. It also didn't speak more badly of him than of most men, I know most men and even women behave just like him after a break up no matter how old they are.

But until yesterday I wasn't thinking of Victor's age at all, as I've said, not that it was an excuse, but he was too young. It also surprised me when he behaved like that because even if he was sort of basic, he wasn't like most men, in the sense that he was too sensitive, and genuinely respectful of women. I wasn't expecting something that hateful from him.

I sort of probably read the whole story about that one girl, and even more now that I saw a lot of your old posts, from back when he was still with you, I assumed she was the same girl. I never sent you any anons about her, I read two anons or so, trying to be helpful, and after your break up I saw his cheesy posts too, just didn't know she was Irish or anything.

Oh, I hadn't even read the part where you mention his age too when I talked about it. I just don't see why people cheat, because if it gets to the point where you want to try something with someone else then you should just break up and be honest, like the stupid thing my ex-girlfriend did, which I think was awful but it was the best way to go about it if she was going to sleep with him no matter what.

I know they do it because they are not sure that the relationship is over, but I don't see how they can convince themselves that they have the right to deceive the other person. I understand that Victor threatening to kill himself was also a factor, I never did that because, what’s the point, first of all, I have never liked lying, but even if I did, I wanted her to be with me because she wanted to.

Since you said you wouldn't cheat on your boyfriend, that at least not now. I don't really see any reason to do that ever, it was enough with Victor, I understand why people make a mistake but not why they keep repeating it. Maybe you can't help it though, that you can't be sure that you would do the right thing in two or five years. I just don't understand it, but I'm not asking you to explain yourself either.

You talked about having no respect for Victor, but I was always surprised that you could even be attracted to him because of his personality, to me it was like being attracted to a child, other than his looks, he actually looked older than he was. So I understand what you said even if it doesn't excuse cheating, but you have also said that yourself.

Even if I don't know anything about poetry, art is about whatever you want it to be, as long as something it's good I don't think it should be annoying because of the topic, unless it's racist or inappropriate. And I also believe that bad art shouldn't be annoying either, maybe other three people would like it too, and just the fact that the artist liked it should be enough. I don't like it when people laugh at someone else's art. Since art shouldn't be about money then just the fact that someone enjoys it whether they are good or bad at it it's fine.

Not that art that is about money is necessarily bad, a lot of great TV Shows and books were made thinking only of the money. So it really doesn't make sense to me that some would find people making art about themselves annoying. But it wouldn't surprise me. People tend to find anything self-centered annoying too. I've never understood, as long as you are being respectful they shouldn't care.

They don't care with me, since I'm respectful. But I always see people complaining about those who aren't humble, and praising humble people. Why care about how high someone’s opinion of himself is, that seems like such a stupid thing to worry about. I couldn’t care less if someone else thinks he is a god as long as he is respectful and as long as he doesn’t want me to say he is superior to me. Yet I would feel like slapping someone if they listed humbleness as one of their virtues. So you don’t think you are a big deal, but you think that’s some big deal, please release me.

I've read that about Cleopatra but not with your words so it was good to read your version, other than that and what little I watched in Rome I don't know that much about her. But when it comes to her it makes sense, assuming what they say is true, she wasn't betraying him over nothing, most people would put their children's lives over everything else. So if most women had to choose and they thought it was a good idea, they would sacrifice their husbands too even if it was true love.

I would never do that and that's why I know I shouldn't have any children and I won't. I would never sacrifice my wife for my children, and I would always think that my wife is more important, even if I can’t know if I would sacrifice my children for my wife, but I probably would.

I wouldn’t sacrifice my dog for my wife though, but it’s different, he wouldn’t understand and he would feel betrayed, he is a dog, maybe the child would since he would love his mother and I would dare then.

That’s sort of why I said you definitely wouldn’t murder Cersei, in some anon, though maybe you would. She is not a dog, but she is so arrogant and selfish she wouldn’t be able to understand, no matter how paranoid she is, at least that’s the way I feel when it comes to her. So if I actually knew her and cared for her and had to murder a few people she would never be an option even if I cared for the other people just as much. I personally would be sure that she would be incapable of understanding why someone needed to sacrifice her, why someone would choose not to murder other people before touching her, she’s so immature, I wouldn’t want her to die feeling so desperate, angry, and shocked.

I never expect you to remember anything I say, and I repeat this, there's nothing wrong with that, I’ve a great memory, but that’s me. My grandma always says so and she always forgets everything I say, my mom forgets most things too. Lately my whole brain has been affected, including my memory, because I don’t sleep. I also don’t interact with anyone other than my family and my dog.

But I've talked about my journals enough times, I bring it up so you don't think I'm just saying that, now that you ask, not that you were judging me because of it, I know you weren't, but it's not something I'm doing, keeping some journal about you.

About how I've always wanted to keep a journal but felt that I didn't have much to write even if I talk a lot, but that once I started back in August of 2017 I've actually somehow filled a lot of notebooks.

So I don't write our conversations because they are too long and I don't know how long they could get or if they will stop soon too, since copying them would take a lot of time I'm not currently doing that. As I told you yesterday.

But ever since I started my journals I wrote whatever anon I sent you and the answer, and I do that whenever I talk to someone over the internet or send a text message, since I barely do it, otherwise it would be impossible to keep that up. But not with my friend, she annoys me, I don't think I've ever mentioned her in my journals, and not with the man that I sometimes write to.

Two weeks ago or so I sent this girl some information about tags, we had never talked before and that was the only time, because it looked like she didn't know that only the first five tags show up, at least if you are not using some extension and I don't use any, and she would often write the most important tags at the very end. I had wanted to do it for a long while, but one day I suddenly decided it would be a good idea, at first I kept wondering if she was aware and she didn't care. I think she actually cared, but whatever it was she answered that she didn't already know it. I wrote that in my journals too.

I write about trying a new brand of bread also, or about somehow finding something I’ve always eaten tastier than usual or about eating something for the first time in years, I write about how much I want my neighbors to rot in hell. I’ve always just loved words and writing with my hand, keyboards too though, but never fiction, just my thoughts. One day I noticed my reflection while washing my hands, it was some jar made of metal, I liked the angle, it was odd, I wrote about it too.

And I'm not a good writer, talk a lot, (with my mouth too whenever I have the chance) and keep repeating myself, in my journals I do nothing to avoid repeating myself, I enjoy it, they are still words.

I like to paste stuff on them and I also write whatever quote I like or lyrics. I haven't skipped a single day ever since I started, sometimes it's just a sentence, but I still write a lot of pages when I feel like it, I used to write in my journals even more before I started writing to you.

I just remembered that since the first journal I started was thick you actually got to appear there, I was still using that one after your break up, I started it on August 27/28. I remember I had just watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones that has aired, less than 24 hours before I started it and the first thing I wrote about was that episode.

I was mostly avoiding you back then though because you love jumping to conclusions, and spoilers, (I never forgot that one Kylo picture that someone somehow managed to believe it was Finn’s chest though it was clearly Kylo’s, I wasn’t even wondering about it and never did, I was surprised when I saw that post, that there was any doubt about it, so it stayed with me forever, not that the scene was what the trailer made it look like anyway, well it was, but Rey says that one line to Luke) I’m afraid of spoilers. So I also was avoiding you once The Last Jedi was close enough. The Last Jedi is my favorite movie ever which speaks so much about how I have barely watched any movies at all.

Back in 2013 I had this thing called Ask.fm, I only sent questions to myself, sometimes my friend asked me things too, she also made one, I wrote enough things there, and once in a while I visit and I copy whatever I like in my journal, I want to eventually copy everything that I find interesting from that account.

I would like to do that with my Facebook too, the one I had when I was with my ex-girlfriend, which is always deactivated, I only activate it every five months or so, to see it's still there.

And I want to copy her Last.fm and have already written some pages down, (the fact that both pages end with “.fm” is just some dumb coincidence) it's way too long though, and so is the stuff from Facebook.

Our MSN/Skype conversations (I only have the ones after 2009, but sadly we broke up for some months and I deleted the ones from the start of our relationship since I thought it was over, and then I was way too young to know a thing about keeping memories when we were friends back in 2005 so I have nothing) are even longer and I would copy most of them, but maybe the conversations would be too much, I don’t know how many books. So I don't know, sometimes I think I should wait and see if I get over that relationship in a year or two and save myself the trouble.

When it comes to triggers though, no one can really do that, but since you ask, just don't say anything sad about animals, I guess, it makes me extremely sad, I feel something in my chest for weeks whenever I accidentally read something bad that happened to an animal, luckily it goes away eventually, but it lasts for a long time.

My mom's boyfriend isn't really patient and he is often stressed, he doesn’t have anxiety or anything, he is just a moron. But he is also like your description of a dog, he is pretty lazy and doesn't care about anything, but watches action movies and plays games on his phone, he hates reading, he likes soccer too, like a dog chasing a ball, he barely sees my mom, can go weeks without seeing her for something other than leaving her some envelope with money under the door, sometimes even months. He is definitely not asexual but he is likely not an average person when it comes to sex, he even once told my mom that he liked sex but that he had never been crazy about it. He is pretty odd when it comes to everything, actually, not just sex.

Back when the Pokemon app was really popular he was catching Pokemon at the beach. He isn’t childish though, his friends call him “uncle” because he acts like an old man. And he probably doesn't care that much about children either, but whenever he visited my mom's family, the boys would kick him and punch him and he would just sit there and not say anything. One time one of the boys even told him, not angry, wanting to play with him "come here, come so I can hit you" and he was about to get up and allow himself to be kicked but his mother heard him and told him to stop.

[hereitalkonandon]

In which I am suddenly an ill person because they won’t let me sleep.

I think it's extremely likely that I will be okay as soon as I manage to leave in less than two months, I can't be sure, but I feel that because of my age I can probably last that long.

I stopped eating meat in March, that was fine, no problem at all, since I ate a lot of cheeses and chocolate milk, yogurt, and sometimes eggs. I had wanted to do it for years but people make such a big deal out of it, not to me, I never talk to people, but in the sense that, it is known. Why? It is known.

So I didn't even start researching, I always assumed it was so dangerous and that I needed to start once I felt better about my break up and there was no point reading about it yet, so I'd always push the guilt back. It was stupid of me, nothing happens when you ditch meat, I'm glad that I suddenly decided to take the time to read about it.

Since I kept feeling guilty then I also dropped cheese and all of that in September. My guilt was because animals eat others animals, but animals don't know any better and some can't survive without eating meat, but I know better and I can survive without using animals. I had no excuse to keep doing it so it was clearly against my principles.

Now, my diet is obviously not the problem, I researched it for almost a month before changing it. With meat, fish, chicken, all of that, it only took me some hours once I started reading about it, it was obvious that the average healthy person could live without them and have no problems.

But the reason I mention my diet is because even if it's not a problem, I feel like it could be a factor for me deteriorating sooner than most people, since I've always assumed that you can go years with two or so hours of sleep each day before starting to have health issues.

Not because of the food but because I struggle to eat enough calories since most food that has nothing to do with animals doesn't have that many calories and I can't eat a whole jar of peanut butter and things like that either because it would be too much fat.

It’s is fine if you get enough sleep, of course, as long as you eat enough healthy food, unlike anorexic people, they take it too far. And not that it wouldn't make sense for an average person to feel like hell after so much stress and after barely getting any sleep for longer than a month.

So if something happens to me don't blame my diet, the diet itself is fine if you are careful. But yeah I bring it up because it's probably a factor right now. Which reminds me about taking risks, I think it's worth it so I take the risk.

That said, normally it's supposed to be even healthier but to me it's not really about that, so I didn't bother researching whether that was truth or not, since everyone kept saying different things. I only wanted to know if it could be done, to stop hurting animals. I didn't care if it would damage me as long as I could still live a long life.

The only problem is not sleeping and I'm well aware, on top of that they keep making me angry and anxious all the time, the noises. I'm always angry but it feels good, it's a part of who I am, but this anger is the sort that makes me desperate.

I really feel like I would still be alive by February even if I had to stay in this house, under the same circumstances. It's likely that I'll get to leave before January is over, even if ideally I would like to leave right now or before this year ends.

Now, since I'm always so careful, I'm often warning Tumblr in case I drop dead, that's a thing I do. If my arm hurt I would warn Tumblr of my possible death, just in case someone noticed and believed I just left, not that I talk to anyone. Nothing dramatic, I would just write something in the tags, it's fine, it doesn't attract any attention if nothing happens to me, but it's good enough for someone wondering what happened to me if it does. Also because my ex-girlfriend checks on me, since I don't have a social life what I post is the only thing she knows about me.

I wouldn't honestly believe I was dying, it was just in case. But this time, it makes a lot of sense, I know how unhealthy not sleeping is and I feel weak, and my diet. Maybe I just feel so weak because of the lack of sleep and nothing is happening to me yet too, but sometimes my chest and head hurt too and stuff, I'm not entirely sure if that isn't just me being too tired also, since it's likely too soon to be dying already.

I can't know because I've always been healthy so I'm not used to this. I know some people are so unhealthy that they always feel like fainting but they are aware that it's just how awful they feel and that they aren’t dying, they are used to it.

Then I have to run no matter what. Walking isn't enough to sweat that much in this weather, but since I ran this morning and I drenched my sweatshirt, I know I can wait until Sunday to run again and have no problems sweating, for now, since the weather isn't that cold even if it's not hot.

So even if I stayed two whole months more that would only mean having to run 16 times, as long as I survive that, which is sort of what would make my heart work the hardest, I feel like I can survive the rest. That's the problem, if I didn't have to run I would just wait until I leave this place because running is probably a lot, and I'm sure nothing would happen to me, people lose sleep all the time, but I have this stupid thing.

Or if I feel too weak I can try once a week and see if it still works. Since I'm not sure if I'll get to leave soon enough, I don't want to risk it when it comes to sweating yet, so I'll try to do it twice a week for now. It would be annoying to manage to leave and end up having problems sweating for years.

It's not because of you, of course, you don't make me stay awake to write, the actual problem is that my neighbors won't stop, and that I can't leave yet, because they won't stop, ever. That's not changing.

But whenever I'm writing to you and I forget to eat or I’m refusing to fall asleep until I'm done I think of the line "You will be the death of me, you will be the death of me", but not of the whole song, just that one part. And it isn't true, I need to sleep, but if you don't write to me for four days, I still barely sleep, and they make me so stressed I don’t even feel hungry, it's this terrible place.

It makes me laugh that that one line starts sounding inside my head. So I'm falling asleep, and I open my eyes, I don't care, and I think of that line because I find it funny.

I know you like the song, but it's not because of that, it comes to my head because it makes sense, since I need sleep. Right now it's not even 6 PM, though.

My ex-girlfriend said that she used to sing that song back in 2006 or 2007, we were friends but we had this fight that lasted for six months or something, we hadn't been friends for that long so it would have made sense that it was over. I don't know, it's so messed up, that she was right about how deep our relationship was but that she had no way of knowing it, back then she didn't even know that I loved her back, and the song is so specific.

I hate being rude when someone hasn't been rude to me, so knowing that you are aware that I could actually drop dead because of being so exhausted makes me feel a bit better. That you wouldn't think I was being rude and just suddenly stopped, even if it's not that likely that I'll get to die because of this.

At least I hope that it isn't likely. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine until Sunday anyway because I won't run until then. A few hours ago I felt like running just because, but I had already done that this morning, and I'm not stupid, so yeah, no, I'll avoid it unless it's necessary.

I have a lot of anxiety so I don't know if music would work, if it wouldn't make me anxious too, but I've been thinking about it for a while, so I'll probably end up trying it soon if I don’t manage to sleep and I don’t think I’ll. Your dad is probably problematic but I find him interesting because he is so paranoid, that thing about his heartbeat, it's cute. Most grown men would be afraid of ironically showing they are afraid.

But now that I think about it, maybe it's serious, when it comes to your dad, and he wouldn't be paranoid then. I don't normally hear my heartbeat, now I do sometimes but because of the anxiety and the lack of sleep. After sleeping two or three hours, which is the amount of time I’ve been sleeping most days, I wake up with palpitations too.

You didn't need to apologize for being curious. I was just explaining how it made me feel in my other letter, and that it sort of proved to me that it was the right thing for me. And it’s also normal that you forget a lot of things because I’ve written so many words.

I can't know how you felt when that happened with your ex-boyfriend, but just reading about it, even knowing you still loved him, made my body cold, made me so uncomfortable and it felt really wrong, it was clearly abuse, he took advantage of you and it's obvious. I know that if I had a son and he acted like that I would be so ashamed of him, and I wonder what's wrong with people that can't see what he did.

You knew that Victor could suddenly sleep with someone else as soon as your relationship ended for good. That was so true that after your break up he was posting stupid suggestive stuff, like a picture of his bulge and I really doubt it was for you. I know he had the right to, of course, but it was so childish. And you hadn't known Victor for that long either. That's why I can't see it similar to what happened with my ex-girlfriend, which still doesn't make her a bad person. But I wouldn't have been able to try to encourage you that much if I had felt that your situation was similar, it just wasn't.

And then, he had spoken about you like that, I didn't need to know what happened between you in order to push you to do that. I'm well aware that you sometimes behave just like him and worse, but I'm stupid in the sense that I'm condescending when it comes to women, not because I think they are inferior, that's not true, but because being a woman is so much harder. And probably sexist of me, but I think that a man should try to protect a woman if he loves her, and that he shouldn't wish her ill if he suddenly stops loving her or if she wrongs him, out of respect for what he had with her.

But the reason I judge him and I don't judge myself it's what I've said many times already, I never wished her ill no matter how rude and I never claimed I hated her. Those two things are what I found so despicable about it. But I saw enough about him to know he is a good person. I just can't feel sorry about siding with you, since as I've said, I'm extremely against the sort of thing that he was doing, as man. I couldn't put myself in his shoes, precisely because I had been there, and suffered worse, even if it wasn't cheating. That never once made me feel anything like that towards my ex-girlfriend and it made me so angry that he could feel like that.

I can understand why you would judge yourself though, and it's a good thing, that you try to be fair even if I don't think he is entitled to hating you. But it's good that you don't try to entirely blame him for what happened and that you are understanding of him since you would act the same way if you were wronged. I think you deserved whatever sort of support you could get, since you had been a victim too, and you were feeling bad. He was doing a good job trying to make you feel guilty already anyway, not that he was wrong when it came to blaming you of some things, of course, but I wasn't angry at him because of that reason.

A man would never be mediocre for having enough with "just" you, he would be mediocre if he cheated on you.

I don't care about the spacing, after I sent you the one poem that I wrote I read that the spacing is usually random, up to the poet. I care about your poems, send me whatever you want whenever you feel like it. I don't find the ones you write cheesy.

These are my favorite lines "I live here and yet I’m miles away", just because it looks deep, it is, I can relate to it but I would find it deep even if I didn't, it makes me emotional. While reading your poem I felt like crying many times, it's raw, but my neighbors, for a change, so innovative, so talented please release me, wouldn't shut up, so I kept reading it and reading it which is also why I said "many times", I had to read it so many times, and never got to cry since I was so annoyed, I'm still annoyed, they keep talking of course.

I'll read it again when they finally shut up but I will have already posted this. I wrote it in my journal. I would write our letters there too, it's fine, no one will read them, and even if someone did in some years, they would have no clue anyway. But of course that it would take a lot of time and mine keep getting longer and longer. I probably will when you become some ghost.

I also enjoyed the I/I’m at the very start because I often find myself using those words a lot, like right now, the sentence started like that without thinking about it. I feel like a lot of people don't write like this, maybe children do, I can't remember if I do it in Spanish, maybe not but only because you don't have to add the I/I'm to say something about you, you can but you are not forced to.

It's either because I talk about myself so much or because I can’t think of a better way to write about what I'm thinking. Not that it has anything to do with your poem, I've seen that it's normal to use sentences with I/I'm even if I haven't read any poetry.

I find this part really sad even if I personally don't find that situation sad, people being nothing to me. "So many people, so many faces, pretty girls and handsome boys, frolicking, swarming around. But what are they to me?" It's somehow still sad. I don't think the context is the same but it reminds me of the cover by Bastille, when he says "No, I don't want your number. No, I don't wanna give you mine. And no, I don't wanna meet you nowhere. No, don't want none of your time", he is repeating exactly what someone else told him, but I feel that it was with that person's attitude, that they didn't literally say it but he understood and that's how he feels. That part of the song always makes me emotional, and I haven't even been there, but it's still something raw.

Then I've always have this fixation, I like to stare at random words too, I enjoy that by itself. So, I also appreciated "frolicking, swarming around." I love this one "has seen one too many sunsets." And these "this madness in my eyes", "a man offers me his arm for a walk", "they will all be gone soon, but I will stay" and "and I will see yet another day."

I don't have any questions, I just wonder if this makes you sad, you say that the sooner you resign yourself the better, but I don't know if you do that too well. Other than your ex-boyfriend I have no way of knowing that, and with your ex-boyfriend it’s different because you are obsessed with romantic love and he is the one you have loved the most when it comes to that.

I find most people boring, in the sense that they wouldn't make interesting characters, but I can't be bored of someone as long as they participate, like my mom's boyfriend, I have never been with him for longer than ten minutes, but he is so boring, yet if I had to spend time with him, as long as he wanted to play board games with me or something, I could have a lot of fun with him and never get tired of him.

Because you talked of triggers, I'm not triggered myself, and before I couldn't understand it. But right after our break up, whenever I saw the name of some of the guys, or the name of the one that lied about me, things like that, even random words, expressions that she used in the posts where she talked about the dirty stuff that she was doing, it would remind me of the anger and pain of her sleeping with other men. It eventually went away.

So that's why I can understand people that feel bad when it comes to that, but they have no right to be angry at people for not catering to their needs all the time. There are times when it's impossible because of what I've just said, that sometimes you can be triggered by a name or random word, by an innocent picture too. Or then sometimes people can barely stand their own lives and breathe, to even have to make the effort and try to take care of other people.

It's not crazy that you wouldn't die for romantic love, some people never feel like that. But in your case, I don't think you've ever met anyone worth it, so to me it wouldn't even make sense if a woman like you felt like you could have died for one of them.

This doesn't mean that if there is something like true love and if you meet him you will change your mind, but in my opinion you haven't even been there yet. As much as you loved your ex-boyfriend, he walked away from you and he was obviously unfair to you, and you are smart enough so you somehow and rightly so let what he did to you affect the love that you felt for him, it can't be as strong as it would have been otherwise.

The length it's also obviously fine, I've told you that you can write a sentence or two for no reason too.

[hereitalkonandon]

This is a long letter too. I kept repeating myself sometimes because when I was editing the letter my neighbors were yelling and I couldn’t concentrate at all no matter how much I wanted to pay attention to the things that I had already said. They weren’t fighting either, or I wouldn’t even care, they were happy and they had to scream instead of talking because clearly I wasn’t annoyed enough already.

I've barely read your letter right now, but I accidentally read the part about my girlfriend and "cheating", I've already talked about it and it's something that makes me really angry, not at you, because I'm sure about what I feel when it comes to that no matter what society says, so since I've already explained it and talked about it I wasn't expecting to have to go through that again, not that it's your fault at all and you can keep asking whatever you want and can keep bringing up the topic, but I'm just saying that's why I felt the urge to start answering that part right away, at the start of the letter, even if I haven't read the other parts.

I want to get it over with so I can stop feeling like this. It takes me back somehow, I can't believe it because I sometimes think it's done, like the last few days, but then something reminds me it still matters to me, not that I'm still unable to forgive her, that's in the past, but the anger, it never stops feeling like that, which once again proves to me how my mind is made up when it comes to that.

And I'm also glad that you talked about it, I would hate lying to myself, and even if I haven't been thinking about this in the last few days, it clearly still matters to me. Or is it because one will always be angry when thinking back of something "unfair" even if that person is eventually barely important at that point?

Maybe. If I decided to think about that coward, he is nothing to me, but I would still end up feeling enraged anyway. Whatever it was, I can't think about it now, my reasons for feeling this way, but I'm clearly not over it.

People here sometimes make posts like this "Are you really over it or are you only distracting yourself?" I know why it matters, but perhaps in some cases, distracted is the only thing you can strive for, and while you are distracted you can’t tell the difference, it's almost as good as the real thing.

It's still a lie and I hate lies, I understand that. I didn't talk about how this makes me feel to dissuade you to ever ask or talk about this though, I was just talking about how important it is, how angry this still makes me, despite other people's views.

I'll have to quote you because I feel like specifying every single thing you have said and so you understand what I am answering. "Why is it so important to you that nobody can touch your partner but you, even when she’s not your partner anymore?" 

Because I know how terrible it would be for me to touch another woman while loving another one, it has nothing to do with owing that person something or not, you do it for your own sake, I know everyone is different, but to me, no matter how they put it, being able to actually go through it means her love wasn't as strong as mine. I already know you don't believe this to be true, but that's why I said I don't care how people decide to see it, this is something that will never go away.

Precisely because I know how I feel, I know what I would do in her place, I'll never be able to say someone that can feel a love as strongly or deeper than the one that I feel is able to sleep with someone else no matter what they say, no matter what they believe. I'll never buy it, and they don't need me to buy it, but I won't. Just as I don’t need others to buy what I say to feel it’s the truth.

There's no way that I would ever sleep with a woman while loving another, and you could say that's because of my sexuality, but that isn't true. I don’t know if I have said otherwise before, but if I did and I doubt it since it would be sort of lying, it was for the sake of avoiding having to write the details and making a letter even longer. Before I fell in love with her, other women turned me on, no one actually interested me but I was like any man, my love for her immediately made me stop noticing other women and also made me unable to feel turned on by them. And as I’ve already told you, we fell in love almost as soon as we met each other.

It's also because of my loyalty, but my loyalty has nothing to do with that. So my love for her was so strong that it changed my sexuality. Now, I strongly suspect that if I got over her then I would still be unable to have casual sex and would need to have at the very least a strong connection but I doubt it, now that I have so many beliefs on true love I would likely save myself for that. It doesn't mean I would be right about it being true love, but I would need to believe it was true love even if I ended up breaking up.

But she's the one that started it. And of course I didn't get to sleep with anyone else because I fell in love with her when I was 14, I was too young back then and I can't know if I would have been comfortable actually doing something casual. I never got to kiss a girl before either because as I've told you, I wasn't really thinking of love when it came to myself, for whatever reason, and it's odd because I had been obsessed with romantic love ever since I was a toddler or so, I don't know, maybe I would have been unable to kiss someone out of the blue too.

I saw that you mentioned Jaime somewhere, I don't think Cersei loved him as much as he did, that doesn't mean her love wasn't so much stronger than the so called love that average people feel or that it wasn’t true love. And notice the "I", everyone can believe whatever they want and they have the right to do so. But I couldn’t see it like that even if I tried to, because she slept with other men and he didn’t, because of my beliefs. Just as I would never buy that my girlfriend ever loved me more than I did. But also, this is assuming Jaime won’t murder her and he likely will, that would make everything pointless and of course that if he murders her then Cersei loved him more.

This reminds me too of when people say, and I know you believe it, "just because Jaime wasn't Cersei's priority it doesn't mean he loved her more", that to me is also stupid, one of the definitions of love is someone being important to you, special. What could make someone more special to you then than that person being your priority, your whole life? There were other things that were important to him, but he decided to put her first, that’s love to me.

Because of common sense, the fact that Cersei saw other stuff as important as Jaime and decided to put those things over him means that she didn't love him as much as he did, it wasn't just because of the safety of her children, it was because of her ambition too, it was as important to her. Not just because she had suffered and wanted to be safe, because she was also selfish and she believed she deserved it, in the same way that Danielle believes she deserves it.

I believe that maybe Cersei’s mind has changed, when they were torturing her she had a dream where they were married and happy and Joffrey was alive, maybe now in the books she knows what is truly important and would put Jaime first if he wasn’t angry at her, since she will likely be angry in turn once she realizes he decided not to help her.

A mother that puts her child before anything else loves that child more than a mother that has other priorities that are as important as her child, I'm not talking about Cersei here, because she doesn't put anything over her children, but it's an example of priorities and love, and how I apply this to romantic love too, not just to parenthood.

The fact that she could sleep with other men knowing that he would never do it, she decided to disrespect him when she did that, and Jaime decided to respect her when he refused to have sex with other women.

But it bothers me when people say that Cersei was just enjoying her sexuality and that how dare you speak badly of her because that’s not the point, that's a lie, she never slept with men out of pleasure, she says it herself, she never once wanted it, she was loyal to him in a way, which is why if my girlfriend had done what she did, I would have been angry, but I would have forgiven her that same day, assuming I could truly believe that she was just prostituting herself as Cersei did, prostitution has nothing to do with wanting it or not.

It's the fact that she wanted them that made me angry, not the fact that she slept with them. And even if she had wanted them but stopped herself from sleeping with them I would have been angry, jealous because she wanted them, but I would have continued the relationship because it would have shown her effort to respect our love, that she was doing everything she could to be loyal to me.

There are a lot of women out there just enjoying their sexuality and there's nothing wrong with them as long as they are not cheating on someone that doesn't deserve it, but it angers me when they speak of Cersei like that and try to use her as some icon when it comes to that topic, because it's a lie, she only ever wanted Jaime, if it were up to her she would never touch another man, she was clearly the antithesis of promiscuity, as of the fifth book of course. Just as I've finished writing this, it reminded me that it’s one of the things that makes Cersei such an special character too, even the most innocent of women have wanted other men sexually, this makes her a really complex character.

She says it herself plenty of times, at some point when she slept with Robert  she thought of Rhaegar because the body was too strange to pretend it was Jaime, to me that obviously means that even if she was attracted to Rhaegar she still only wanted to sleep with Jaime. Why the need to explain why she didn't think of Jaime back then? There was no need for that, she could have just said that she thought of Rhaegar because she didn't want to sleep with Robert even if back then he was a great catch and she was happy to be his wife. Of course it also shows that she had a crush on Rhaegar, but that's not important here.

I believe this so much, that my current favorite male character, has slept with other women after already being in love with what is likely his true love, I haven't finished the series because I like having something to look forward to so maybe I'll even hate the character, but that's not the point. I know he loves her very deeply regardless and that it is still true love, but I would never say his love is stronger than Jaime's love even if I like the character better than him, because of what I've already said, he is able to want other women to the point of managing to sleep with them, and Jaime isn't.

As of book five, because of the whole murder thing, if he murders her his love would be a lie. Which reminds me that my favorite character also murdered two of his ex-girlfriends, I will be brief, he couldn't help but eat one of them and wasn't himself, yeah. I can't see myself doing that but that's the explanation. And he had to murder the other one to protect the woman he currently loved. I disagree with that, but I can hate things overall and still make exceptions. More importantly, the ex-girlfriends weren't actually a part of the show so I also saw past the fact that I don’t enjoy people moving on from a dead lover if they claimed it was real love. I only got to watch his interactions with the new woman, so it's easy to see past the bad stuff and enjoy the relationship that they are actually showing me.

When I first spoiled myself and realized that he sleeps with other women after he has already fallen in love with the new one, it made me so disgusted, I didn't dislike the character, but it's something that I hate no matter how much I like him, it's something that I hold against him even if the main reason I like him is his love for her.

So you see, I can perfectly understand you can love someone deeply and sleep with other people, it's not that. I can understand it so much in fact, that I still could somehow believe my girlfriend could love me enough for the relationship eventually working once again after she slept with other men, and becoming something I could call true love, since I only care about true love. But it doesn’t mean I think it’s acceptable to sleep with other people if you are single but still hope to get back with them eventually.

"Why would she listen to you and why would you expect her to if she has previously stated that you two are not together anymore?" Because I asked her to for years whenever we had a fight? Because I told her that if she wanted to come back with me I wasn't okay with her having slept with someone else, to think twice before doing it. I've told you before, I always said she could sleep with as many men as she wanted, but to not, under any circumstances, expect me to take her back, I made it clear that I didn't care about what society said, that those were my beliefs and that they weren't going to change. So, being smart, I told her to wait for a bit to make sure that she wasn't going to want me back.

You ask me why she would listen to me, the only reason, loving me and not being sure if she wanted to come back, the only reason being, not risking ending our relationship for good then. Not because she had to obey me, but because she had to think about what she wanted, and take into account that if she screwed me over, she couldn't have me if I ended up being what she wanted. As you can see, it's clearly not about property, I wanted from her what I was doing myself, or maybe my idea of true love is being someone's property, but the man isn't the only owner, it's not about sexism anyway. And I know that wouldn’t be healthy, I had never cared about health, just about not being miserable, if ending a relationship would make me miserable, I couldn’t care less about it being unhealthy or not.

And you could once again say "but she is her own person", and I am my own person, and I wasn't okay with getting back with someone that slept with someone else while claiming she still loved me. She loved me, that's for sure, but not enough, it wasn't enough for me and she was well aware.

And why should I put up with something that made me feel like dying, because of the pain and anger just because society says it's okay? She knew how jealous I was, she knew what it would do to me, that it would murder me and it did, she didn't care, yet she expected me to put aside my beliefs.

I don't buy what society says, they can do whatever the hell they want, but it wasn't okay to me, it never will, and I always made it clear, so she had no excuse. She was okay to sleep with whatever men she wanted since she was single, but she wasn't okay to expect this damn fool to be waiting for her after she did that after having warned her that I wouldn't for a thousand times. For everything that I've already told you.

I hadn't even read the part after "I know your pride has more than just a hand in this, but" before I wrote all of that, and I see that I've accidentally answered some things already. Yes, my pride also had a part but I feel like most things I wrote didn't even involve my pride. I had so many reasons to be angry, because I am who I am, because it was wrong to me, I've told you again and again that I never take what society says into account.

Why should I feel something because society says so? I couldn't even if I wanted to, I make my own mind, I think what I think because of what makes sense to me. And a lot of things don't make sense to me just because society says so, therefore I won't go around like a mindless parrot just preaching them and living according to them. I didn't call you that also, I know that's truly what you believe, but I don't and I won't. I won't believe what society says I should believe if it looks extremely stupid to me just so I don't get called problematic or sexist or unhealthy, I know I'm not sexist, and I couldn't care less about problematic or unhealthy. I am problematic and unhealthy.

I didn't paste the other stuff because I have already explained it. "She didn’t cheat on you because you weren’t her boyfriend either", society thinks that only cheating is wrong, I don't, if you say something is a deal breaker then it is a deal breaker, and she knew it. But also, I never said she cheated, whenever I do is only for the sake of being brief, she has called it cheating herself plenty of times because of the same reason, but I've never once believed that what she did is called cheating.

It doesn't change a thing about how enraging and painful I find it. "I know you’d never do it, but you could sleep with somebody else during that time too." No, I couldn't, I know what you mean, but she was fully aware that I was giving her what I was asking of her, otherwise I would never ask it of her, and as I said, I only asked it of her until she was sure that she would never, for any reason, want me back. And she would have had to wait for only twenty days, since it’s how long it took her to come back.

"Had you not been so obsessed with the idea that your significant other must only be touched by you in the whole world for the rest of her life, even when there are no grounds for this condition and it’s only in your head." Had society not been so obsessed with the idea that the person you love and that loves you back is doing absolutely nothing wrong sleeping with someone else while still thinking you are the love of their life, even when there are no grounds for this condition and it's only in society's heads.

You see what I mean? Everything is in everyone's heads. Most people just happen to not share my view, but what about it? Why do my views on true love have to be about what most people approve of? Why would they be automatically right just because I'm only one person? They are right, I'm sure, they are right to believe whatever they want and live accordingly, just as I am right to do the same thing. But their beliefs weren't given to them by some god, so mine are just as valid then. Our brains are the same, what makes sense to me makes sense to me, just as what makes sense to them makes sense to them. I repeat that this doesn't apply to my girlfriend in this case, she was well aware of what didn't make sense to me, and that she couldn't expect me then to be waiting like an idiot. 

I really regret speaking to her in the way that I did after our break up, but my ideas were the same and as I've told you, we called each other by insults instead of our names, daily. Once, this friend of her sister saw us fighting, and she thought my girlfriend was going to start crying after I left, but she was laughing and having fun and eating donuts. She was so confused, and she told me her sister explained we talked like that all the time, we made a big deal over a piece of bread being delicious or not, it would look to anyone as if we wanted to murder each other, but it's just the way we were.

People didn't understand our relationship. If you needed to use an example of a toxic relationship you would have used us, but mostly because of the way that we spoke to one another because we weren't unhappy about our fights over everything, just because of my jealousy, other than my obsession and other than her actually giving me a reason to be jealous it wasn't bad, just hard to understand for other people.

But I'll never regret the thoughts I had back then, just the way that I had of saying it since she was already hurting, I still doubt it would have made a difference, what was painful to her was that I wouldn't take her back no matter what.

I've already told you that she didn't give me the time to stop being angry, she kept doing stuff while asking me to forgive her, she couldn't expect me to change my mind if she wouldn’t stop behaving like that. I know I would have, now, if she had only stopped for a while and given me the time to forgive her. But I didn’t know it then, I didn't have to, I didn't owe her anything, I had already been clear during our relationship, even more clear than I am being to you, that she would never been forgiven if she did, but I still forgave her.

To her, since she was single, it was more important to keep making the problem worse, she had the right to, once again, but she didn't have the right to be surprised about the problem becoming bigger and bigger since she was well aware that the problem had started because of other men and she kept doing exactly that and being so shocked whenever her begging didn't have any effect.

It obviously enraged me, being who I am, whenever I saw her sad I would be so angry at her because she was in a way hurting herself, she knew she was only making me more and more angry and she was suffering because of it.

I never told her that, I only spoke about it two or three years afterwards, before that, my pride never let me talk about how I was hurting because of her pain more than everything else, this doesn't take away the fact that I was also suffering for myself and angry because of what was happening to me too, but her pain was the worst thing to me, and that I couldn't do anything about it. I know I could have, but not according to my views, or how I was feeling. My views haven't changed, but the way that I am feeling has anyway.

On top of that, even if she didn't tell anyone about the lie that coward told about me, she kept telling everyone lies about our break up, she would change a lot of little details about our fights from back when we were together to make it look like I deserved what she was doing. Like this time she kissed a boy, and the time she almost kissed him. She would claim that during some fights she begged and begged for me to take her back crying for hours and I wouldn't open the door, I never once did that, I always took her calls. She kept changing a lot of things to justify herself as if she needed to, they were her friends they would have supported her no matter what, she wanted to leave and that was enough for them.

I didn't care about what other people believed, but it made me so angry that I knew that she already thought she was absolutely right, and that if she told people the story in the way that she was doing people would encourage her even more to keep sleeping with other men, that's the only thing that made me so angry about her lies. She was already hurting me enough while she was feeling guilty, I could only expect her to behave worse if people thought she had suffered more than she had, and that she had been the only victim.

And then, this is stupid and irrelevant, but she also told everyone I was hacking her because her internet was slow, mine was too, and I don't even know how to hack people but give me a break. The damn internet was slow and she immediately went and told everyone it was me, with sassy comments, worst of all, not even neutrally, she was so wrong and jumping to conclusions and even wanting to act all sassy.

Her stupid lies weren't really enraging me, it was her with other men, that's all I cared about. Even so, I still regret speaking like that after our break up, not about stating my views at all, I would say the same, but word it differently, just as I am wording it differently when I am writing to you.

I regret it also because as I have said, it's no longer the way that I talk, I used to literally (and here I use literally for what it actually means because everyone uses it wrongly and I don't mind but now it doesn't even mean anything) say cock and dick (there's a really dirty word for cock here, a lot of mothers would slap you for using it, not mine, she talks like that too and often tells the dog to pull his dick out, she's not into animals, it's a joke we have, saying how hot he is and how badly we want him) and mean words, three insults per sentence, no matter what I was talking about or to whom.

I don't know if I would go back to speaking that way if I came back to her, because she keeps speaking like that to some people, just not with her new boyfriend. But I don't regret that I did during our relationship, it was really fun all the time, we were more like two men that hated each other and wanted to murder each other but she wasn't a man.

My views on actually cheating are the same also, but I didn't lie to you, Victor was saying he hated you and that he wanted bad stuff for you, and that was disgusting even then when I couldn't even stand the sight of a cheater. You were not the person he was saying you were because you cheated on him no matter how despicable I find cheating, and proudly claiming he hated the girl that "he promised his life to" (what a serious promise, then, I wonder why he didn't feel embarrassed about literally stating he was breaking his promise since he was still alive and leaving) because of cheating made me so enraged. I wonder what kind of love he had for you if he believed he was justified to hating you, whether he was just saying it or not.

But it's what I told you about becoming less judgmental because of you too, I judge cheaters just the same though, but I would need to explain this for two hours too and I've so much to say already, it's enough to say that I don't hold it against you even if you obviously don't need someone to tell you they are seeing past the fact that you made some mistake because everyone makes mistakes.

When you first did that I thought that was it, that I no longer cared about what you did, but I kept thinking of how awful my ex-girlfriend felt back then and how I couldn't help her. So I sort of became what I hated the most, someone "endorsing" cheating, even if I knew my help wasn’t really that much. I don't regret it, and I wasn't lying, it's just hard to explain and I don't even know if I would have the way to put in words if I had to.

"That’s why I think Jaime is hugely delusional and stupid to think he has any right over her, apart from the one he’s given himself in his mind" apart from Cersei lying to him and leading him to believe that other than sleeping with Robert and after his death other than the husband that Tywin could force her to take, she was being loyal to him, and their relationship had been going for over twenty years and Jaime had no reason to think she was lying to him you mean.

Akin to blaming a woman of being delusional and stupid to assume her boyfriend is being loyal. It's the same, Jaime being her brother had nothing to do with it, it’s just reaching for excuses, she had no reason as far as Jaime was aware, of sleeping with someone other than her husbands.

He had the right to be angry about Robert but not at her, he loved her, of course he would be disgusted of the thought of another man touching her, more so, since he was the kind of man to never touch another woman.

That's something I don't understand, how he just allowed it to happen, I don't think about it but whenever I did it never made sense, how it was somehow more important to obey Tywin, instead of making Cersei decide to run away with him or not, back then she wouldn't have had the excuse of her children, rather than put her in a position where she would obviously have to sleep with her husband.

I'm almost sure Cersei would have chosen her ambition anyway, but I can't be sure about that. I wouldn't have allowed something like that, and if my girlfriend had refused, I would have known for sure that she didn't love me that much then and would have ended the relationship entirely. So it was his fault that Cersei was sleeping with Robert in the first place or with any husband, but that's about it, he had no reason to believe she had any lovers, or that she needed to have them.

And she didn't, as you can clearly see, sleeping with other men didn't actually help her, she was just being stupid, so she cheated on him over nothing, and he is somehow stupid for not being okay with that, I don't think so. Though, that said, he doesn't even know the whole truth which makes him even less stupid for being angry, as far as he knows she only cheated because she wanted the men, and that's not how it was at all.

So he is even more entitled to be angry. He doesn't even know that she thought she was doing what she needed to do. I'm not saying it would have changed anything, I can't know that, I doubt it, probably only when she honestly believed he was dead, she had already slept with another man anyway, I don't know how his brain works.

If Cersei had bothered to say "Jaime, I can see anyone I want other than my husbands, because you are my brother and I shouldn’t be seeing you in the first place" and then he had answered "no, you can't, because I say so" and she had replied "I will, I don't owe you any loyalty in this relationship" and he had ignored her and decided she wouldn't just because he decided to assume she wouldn’t then yes, he would be an idiot to assume she wouldn't, but she was willfully hiding the fact that she slept with other men, she was pretending she was loyal to him and she shouldn't have.

Other than that Jaime can be incredibly stupid and I don't remember a lot of his actions currently, so I probably don't understand a lot of things about him and would judge him. I judge a lot of his ideas when it comes to their break up too, like when he said a silent Cersei would be sweet, it also doesn't make that much sense since the writer had already established that Jaime was clearly into Cersei because of her personality and not just because she is beautiful.

He even bothered to make that even clearer when he said that Lysa had none of Cersei's fire. I also don't agree when he says that the fact that some girl was shy about being naked somehow made the situation hotter, I felt that it was the way that George Martin feels, maybe. Or perhaps the writer is slowly trying to hint at Jaime and Brienne, which is disgusting. But yes, I don't really understand Jaime when it comes to a lot of things even if I can't remember them now. I just now he can be so stupid, but Cersei can too, and I know I'm not stupid, so I can't put myself in their shoes when it comes to a lot of things.

Also whenever I say I "I believe this, and I know so or so believe this, but I don't care, it's still this and it won't change" I mean they can believe whatever the hell they want but that it won't change my thoughts or the way I feel no matter what they say. But I don't mean "society should believe that only what I am saying is right." The opposite, society shouldn't assume their truth is absolute and that it should apply to me or to others. My truth is absolute when it comes to my relationship, she knew that, she didn’t care.

I don't know if I could make an extremely long explanation about the fact that I didn't care if she slept with women or not, but it's as simple as understanding that a woman was in no way replacing what I meant to her, she would be a woman and I’m a man. You could say that our brains are the same, but you talked about my ego and I don't see why I am not allowed one, so it was also because of that. But why don't you enjoy being cheated on? Because I know you can be a jealous person. It's also partly because of your ego, whatever your reasoning, you feel replaced somehow, even if that's not the thing that bothers you the most, or maybe I'm wrong and you don't care at all about being replaced, but that's the case when it comes to most people. And isn’t love about ego other than about loving the other person?

Didn't you say it yourself about Edward of York? "But it's cute because in his heart no one comes close to her", I don't agree, but you are talking about being special to someone even if it wasn't about his body but his heart. If you put the mental aspect apart, I can't give her what a woman can, that's why I wouldn't feel like she was being offensive and saying I wasn't enough.

I understand why some people feel bad about their partners having another lover whatever the reason they have for it, but I couldn't feel jealous of a woman even if I tried. I would even be okay with her saying that we were both her soul mates and that she loved the woman more than she loved me as long as I still felt that she loved me enough for it to be called true love. I can't think "Oh so you are saying that no matter how much you love me my chest wasn't big enough for you?" "So I'm not enough of a woman to you?", of course I'm not enough of a woman.

But when it comes to a man, what is she even talking about, it's clear, she didn't care that much, she could still see what I already had in other men. I couldn't, I couldn’t see what I already had with her in other women, and I was well aware of the reason, because I loved her enough.

The reason it angered me that she slept with other men is complex and not about a single thing, and it's hard to put it in words, just something I feel. My love for her is both out of duty because I feel like I gave her my word and out of concern for her, not wanting to hurt her if she comes back. So just as when it comes to sleeping with other men, it's not because of only one feeling.

And since I talked about Edward of York, I repeat again that it's clearly not about sexism, if anything, I'm forgiving of women, if I were a woman and my ex-girlfriend were a man, if the story was the same, I wouldn't have forgiven a single thing. I know it in my heart.

This doesn't mean women should disrespect men, but to me, since women have been so abused since the start, I understand men being understanding of them, but as a woman I would be so angry about becoming a part of it, about becoming a part of allowing men to treat women like dirt because "boys will be boys" that I can swear to you that at the first thing that involved another woman I would have dumped him no matter how much he tried to justify himself and how much I believed that he thought we were soul mates, it would be over, no matter how much I loved him, but I'm pretty sure I could never think of a man capable of doing that as being my soul mate anymore, I would be completely disenchanted.

If a man ever had eyes for someone other than me that would be it, my interest would be completely lost, as you can see I don't do that when it comes to women. And you know that men always have eyes for another woman, most of the time, plural, women, whether they cheat or whether they don't. That's also why I feel that if I were a women I would probably die a virgin, men are dirt, and it would take a lot for me to trust one to the point of sleeping with him. And I would ask so much from a man and not settle, I don't mean about his skills and looks and mistakes and such because I don't care, but I would ask everything of his love and of his loyalty.

I’ve already talked about this but I hate his guts, for the sole reason that he claimed to love Elizabeth (I know he did, that's what makes it awful) and still slept with other women knowing Elizabeth wasn't thrilled about it, it's as simple as that. I wouldn't have cared about them anyway if she had been excited about it since I don't care for most couples and definitely not for couples where a man sleeps with another woman, but I wouldn't hate him over it. And then, he would have obviously not be okay with Elizabeth doing the same to him, so no, thanks. I don't care if it was the way things were back then. It used to be normal to beat women in some places too, it doesn't mean I would excuse a man that did that. I'm also not judging you for liking him, but explaining once again why I can't stand him (and not just him, obviously) since I ended up bringing him up to talk about my jealousy and my rules not being about sexism. 

So now I will answer the rest of the letter. I actually remembered I saw the thing about degrading women even if I didn't get to read it, so I will answer that before reading other parts of the letter since my neighbors aren't here for now. You said, "be as specific as it’s required to answer properly", so I'll probably just be disgusting but still try to make it polite, but it's best if you see inside my head if you would truly like to know what is going on there, because of the "maybe in ways that a regular spanking or stuff like that isn’t but you never gave any details so correct me if I’m wrong" part, you could likely think I am wrong if you could know what actually goes on.

I'll try to write like a person and not an animal, like most men, I become an animal, which is so innovative, so I just feel that I should tell you that you should skip whatever I say at the first thing you read that makes you uncomfortable, I don't truly know the type of trauma that you have, or how uncomfortable this could make most women.

You have to take into account that whatever I say next, she was enjoying it, after our break up she even liked this really popular Tumblr quote about doing it like you hate her, that's what she wanted too.

This doesn't make me angry or uncomfortable at all, but I think I need to concentrate and that's why I'm prioritizing it now that I can actually think without any noises.

Well, since I've spent years suffering over a woman that has done a lot of things that would make most sexist men deem that woman "useless" for dating and only good for having fun, I clearly have some respect for her even after doing so many demeaning things to her and after having her debasing herself for me, or I wouldn't choose to ruin my life over that person since she has done more than enough to me, she wouldn't be worth it, and she likely isn't.

I would be out there either enjoying sex with any woman that I liked, or looking for a girl that isn't promiscuous, maybe even a virgin while we are at it, other women have already opened their legs for other men, why choose one of them if there's a woman that will only ever do that for me, or both, because they are hypocrite enough to go around sleeping around with women while hoping to find one that will only sleep with them.

But men are obviously never damaged goods. Which reminds me that this makes me bitter and I see promiscuous men as damaged goods usually, but I know I'm wrong and I would never tell them so, it's just what society has pushed me to do by applauding them and excusing them for behaving so disgustingly but putting women down for the same actions.

I would put myself first if I had no respect for her and I clearly haven't even if my actions still allow me to keep my pride and to not be ashamed, a lot of men would say I have no right to feel proud after that, but as you know, I couldn't care less, it doesn't hurt my pride in my eyes.

All is good as long as I'm not turned on, and it stills depends, if it was out of love, then there was nothing demeaning about it. Because you have to kinds of being turned on, at least when it comes to me, being turned on for the sake of it, or showing affection and feeling love and suddenly being turned on because of it.

When it was being turned on because of being turned on, my mind changed, I know it wasn't true, but I'm being honest with you, whenever I feel it in my pants, I become disgusting, I don't feel guilty about it, and I know you weren't trying to make me feel guilty at all, whether you think that I should feel guilty after reading this or not.

I'm trying to explain it in a proper way, trying to use words that aren’t that obscene, but it's something disgusting, so it's hard to express it accurately, it can be done, I'm just explaining why this will probably look just plain stupid, the way of explaining it to you.

Whenever I'm turned on and it's not out of love, and it could be both sometimes, of course, usually it was just both too. Well the woman becomes an object for me to use as I please, and I don't want to hurt her at all, but it's somehow about power, not just that, and I know this is really common, this is why men are promiscuous, a lot of them, not all of them, I mean, and this is why men rape.

But to me it's not about forcing her, it's so much about something like power that if I slightly feel that she has any reason other than wanting me inside any of her, like, when men get turned on about the maid fantasy, or being their boss. No, that doesn't do anything for me, it's a turn off, it’s precisely because she is your equal or even superior somehow, that I feel in control if she still allows me to do that to her, she has no reason to, she needs it.

Maybe she is even being stupid, but then again, I'm not turned on by stupidity, I'm not being turned by intelligence itself, but I mean, a stupid woman could never turn me on, not that I'm judging stupid women but obviously they are out there. Maybe she is being stupid because she really wants me to do it, because it turns her on. But the thing about the woman being somehow stupid for enjoying it only goes through my head while I’m turned on, I never believe that when I am not.

And then how can she be stupid? She is doing it because she enjoys it, I know that no matter how turned on I am but I can't help but think it's stupid, I can't help but think if I were a woman, I wouldn't do that, but then, I would, if I truly loved him I would, because I would know he respects me, even if he isn't respecting me then.

Because if I'm honest, no, I didn't feel any respect towards her when it was happening but I would let her know I didn’t and it made her wet because she was into that, I wasn’t lying to her. That’s why it would have never worked with that liar she slept with, he wanted her to do that to him, but she is extremely submissive.

I knew it was because I was turned on. Whenever I do things I really get into them, I don't mean sex, I mean everything I enjoy. So I will get lost, I still do but I'm obviously not doing it to someone. My point is, is it really bad if I only feel like that when I'm turned on? I know it isn't, but I think everyone has the right to judge by themselves and I wouldn't blame them at all. You asked me if I could still see women as equals after doing that and I do.

The day has 24 hours, and as long as my blood is where it's normally supposed to be, I would never think a woman is inferior to me. As I've told you before, I don't even enjoy being around men, they are stupid somehow, there’s something about most of them, even the smartest of men, it has nothing to do with it, there's something about them that makes me think of men like dogs no matter how much I love dogs, but that vibe of stupidity that dogs have, in dogs it's adorable, in men it annoys me.

But when I was turned on, yes, I would feel that I was superior, that she had to obey me because she was a woman. And I wanted her to call me daddy but it was because it was something about control, not about me wanting to be with someone younger. As I've also told you I would actually have liked it if she was a year older than me, just a year so I didn't feel like she could die so much sooner than me. Though I wanted her to die before me, so I could take care of her until her last day, then I could die a week or so after her. Otherwise I wouldn't mind even thirty years.

As I’ve also already told you I would have liked it to go against the stupid belief that men should strive for the youngest and most beautiful girl they can seduce.

I say a woman, too, because, it's sort of what I'm into, of course, to specify that I wasn't into humiliating my girlfriend just because of who she was. So, something about repeatedly penetrating a woman with it and having her open her legs, I can't help but see it inherently demeaning just by itself while it's happening or while it's about to happen, but I repeat I know it's not true, I have never believed it's true, just when I'm turned on.

And you could say I'm lying to myself, but not really, it's some sort of fetish, I don't try to lie to myself, I couldn't think about women like that no matter how I tried to put it if I wanted to, women do it because they enjoy it, even if they want you to do the worst things you can imagine, they enjoy it, what's stupid about it then.

I know what my ex-girlfriend was doing with just about anybody, because she enjoys it, she wrote about some demeaning stuff she let this man she had just met who had just made her bend somewhere and taken her from her other hole for the first time (she always said how much she hated it, even before we were a couple, and I didn’t care for it because I can imagine how hurtful it can be so I never insisted) and done it really hard and then humiliated her asking her things about her father when she had him on her mouth, and she wrote about how wet she was, so it was good for her that she was wet I guess but she had no way to know if he actually respected her, but he probably did anyway since he asked her to cuddle, she didn't mention it in the context of respect but of the story.

I would personally never be comfortable hugging anyone that wasn't my lover, whether is family or a friend, but even less hugging some woman that I didn't even know, so the fact that he wanted her to just rest with him in bed while he was hugging her. Even if from what I spied, from what little I could read, he only used her for sex a couple of times, but I assume he was always open about if because of the story she wrote even if she didn't mention it, it makes me feel like to him it was also some game whether he believed it when he was turned on or not, that he likely didn't keep feeling that way after he was done touching her.

Now, of course that I would still feel respect towards a woman no matter what she did for me even if I didn't know her, but I'm sure as hell that if I were a woman I wouldn't take the risk of some bastard thinking I don't know what sick things about me after he was alone in his room that night. So I would only do it with a man that I believed is my soul mate, but the same goes for regular sex, I wouldn't feel comfortable opening my legs and stuff, that's what I believe now, and I can't know, but it isn't so crazy since I already act like this as man.

I wouldn't feel like a woman humiliated me because for starters most women don't have these kind of stupid thoughts, but I would feel dirty about it because of the stuff about true love.

And some men probably thought stupid things about her, I'm sure there are a lot of men that always feel like I do when I'm turned on, that that's what they truly believe 24/7 when they aren't turned on.

I liked pulling her hair too, but not to hurt her, and I slapped her in the face but it wasn't hard at all, it was just the action. So, even spanking, I  did that hard because it's different, it’s not really painful, and she wanted it like that. It’s entirely innocent for some people, but to me, I was putting her in her place, I was showing her who was in charge, and I didn't do it hard when it came to her pussy, but I loved spanking her there because of that reason, just not hard at all. And then I would ask her to spit on herself too.

Also, we were really into talking, so I would say a lot of demeaning stuff and she would also say it, we were always talking. And the sex was obviously really hard most of the time too, but that's true of most people, slow sometimes, but most people like to move hard even if they are completely naive. 

One thing that really turns me off is when they talk badly about the girl’s body, I have never been into that. Because I see some men saying stuff like “you are so ugly, your tits are so tiny”, that’s both boring and annoying. I did enjoy telling her she was only good for opening her legs and sucking it, very graphically, but I wasn’t into criticizing her body.

One thing that isn't demeaning to me, it's when men have this fantasy of putting women down for working as prostitutes, my friend once showed me a video, she said something, I think she asked me what I thought, not that she liked it, and I explained to her what I'm explaining to you. Paying a woman for sex makes you the loser, not her, that's only a job. So the man kept saying "demeaning" stuff about her for sleeping with men for money, but what was there demeaning about it?

He was the moron, for her that was business, and great business, maybe she was even enjoying it as much as people enjoy sex when it's out of pleasure, but she was also getting paid for it. She was a winner, they were stupid enough to pay her for sex. To this day he is one of the most stupid men I've ever seen, that's why I never forgot that video, it of course didn't turn me on.

So I've already said that being in a position of actual power and getting the women because of it would never turn me on and it would actually turn me off, they would have either something to gain or something to lose, that’s not appealing. It's the fact that a woman somehow wants me to do all of that just because she wants to, and does the stuff because I say so, for no other reason.

I would never be turned on by walking someone out there, public stuff, even if I were into casual sex, it's so annoying, it's so distracting, I want privacy.  Same goes for more than two people participating, no thanks, I can’t focus, I'm only into two people having sex. And then I am jealous, even if I didn’t care for the woman and wouldn’t be jealous, assuming I could have casual sex, I still wouldn’t enjoy making her debase herself in front of other men, saying I told her to. What do I care about other men? What would their opinion do for me? Nothing. But the same goes for other women. So I’ve also always found it boring when men dream of sharing an unknown woman with their friends, that’s so stupid, it makes me want to punch someone.

The few times I've liked the idea of more than two people it's only because I feel bad about leaving someone out. But I have nothing to do with it of course, it's just with fictional characters. There’s no way of putting it that I could find it appealing for myself. So, personally, publicly demeaning someone even if she wanted to, or anything involving more people, that's a turn off.

Oh, I often made her write my name on her chest, it started as a really stupid thing, we weren't turned on or anything, and she wrote "property" on it too, not “property of”, just “property”, I didn't tell her to, that was before we started doing anything other than normal sex, so it's because of little details like that one that I know she was really into it.

Or when we were playing some stupid game, if she started losing and I laughed at her, because she was so bitter whenever she was losing, I've never cared about losing in a game, because it doesn't say anything about who I am, so that's why I found it so funny, but she has always been desperate to prove something, to everyone, so I would laugh and laugh, and she would be angry, so I would keep saying demeaning stuff, but nothing sexual, and out of nowhere she would start undressing and doing stuff, and at first I didn't get it, but she meant it.

After it happened five times or so, I realized the situation turned her on, it would happen with random things, when a situation was demeaning, but not sexual, she would want it suddenly. And that itself made me start associating everything demeaning with being turned on too. But I didn't develop that fetish because of her, it was there. I just mean the fact that every little demeaning stupid thing would often turn her on.

And now when I think of stupid situations, if they are humiliating, they often turn me on. So, something I liked to do, I talk about it because I wasn't doing something the devil would do, it was just in our heads, that's where it was happening, I liked to make her say stuff or to answer me something but when she was about to answer I would deepthroat her and there's a lot more to this but then it's graphic, but it’s basically just that, she would keep trying to say it, I would make some joke or comment, she would start trembling because it was somehow so wild of us and she liked it, and trying to say it, so I would let her speak only to shut her up again and ask her what she had said.

You see, it's so stupid when you talk about it, and I've seen your thoughts so this is obviously both disgusting and funny in the sense that people could get turned on by this. I would make her kiss it too, like how people kiss someone's hand or whatever, in that sort of context. So, most women kneel when they do it, but to me the context is how people always kneel too for other stuff, so I always saw that as demeaning, I repeat, while being turned on.

The problem is that by now, whenever I see someone kneeling in other context I can't help but feel something, not completely, but, there are so many things that have nothing to do with sex that do that to me, it's some reflex, not something I'm deciding. I feel like I'm being so graphic, but yeah, you were probably picturing something way worse.

We would do this thing, it’s extremely stupid, I would make her stand and move her pussy like it was a mouth and it would say dumb things with her voice, and make cat noises, and sing like a cat too. It is demeaning I know, for myself, to be writing this, but yeah when I was doing it, she was debasing herself. And then this really common thing where a woman gets under a table or desk.

You say that it does something to a woman's self-esteem, and I know what you mean but I really can't stress enough how much she liked it and how she did it with other men, how she asked it of other men because obviously not all men do this, some men were way more passive than her, and after our break up even, she would ask the men to say the stuff I used to say, she wrote about it, yes I know some people would do that to remember you even if they aren't into that.

But she loved it. I also know from back then, before we did anything, whenever she started talking as if she were a man and trying to make me suck it and stuff, she would say the sort of stuff I ended up telling her two years after that or so. She was clearly repeating what men were telling her back when we weren't together.

And then sometimes when  I was home and eating and my mom was downstairs. She would write me to call her and tell her to act like my bitch, and I would tell her my mom was there and that I was eating, and she would keep asking me to order her around for a couple of times but I would keep saying my mom was talking, and my mom's voice really really really turns me off.

I know this ended up looking so stupid but I didn't edit it so you can see how it was happening inside my brain, how it's one thing but then the other, how it turns me on but how I immediately know it's a lie that it doesn't make sense that it's just it speaking because you handle it the microphone but I'm not it I am my brain.

I don't go around writing about this, it's just in my head, and my girlfriend was into it. If she hadn't been into it then I wouldn't have enjoyed it, both because I didn't want to hurt her but also because it would do nothing for me if I knew that she was doing it to please me.

Ah, that's something I forgot, so some men that do this enjoy it, because the woman is only thinking about pleasing him, but that doesn't turn me on, if she isn't wet about every single thing she is doing then that one thing she is doing just to make me happy doesn't matter to me and I would rather she didn’t.

Like when some men plead with their girlfriend for a blowjob, I know they are enjoying what they are feeling, the touch, but I could never enjoy it, I would stop feeling turned on. Which is unrealistic and probably everyone fakes some stuff, also.  I don't think we were wrong to enjoy it, I didn't choose to feel turned on by this, to me it makes sense that if I don't really feel that way about women and my girlfriend also doesn't feel that way, then we weren't doing anything wrong, rather than having to fight it and stop enjoying it because some people say it's somehow wrong, that's why I don't feel guilty. Another part of me wonders if most people have that sort of sex anyway and never talk about it anywhere so I don’t find out.

I've been feeling pretty weak lately because I lost some sleep writing letters to you but I barely do that now and you told me not to do that but it's not just that, that's not a problem, the problem is I haven't slept because of my neighbors now, they don't make noises past 1 am, but whenever I'm sleepy they make noises and won't let me sleep so when they actually shut up I'm no longer sleepy and I can't sleep no matter what, and I don't get sleepy until the next night, and during the day they won't stop making noises anyway. Yesterday was hell since it was a Sunday, and the same thing happens over and over again.

So it's been over a month of this because there's this other house that makes noises too, not all day, they are okay, but enough to stop me from sleeping, the fact that I hear any human at all around me stops me from falling asleep, and I really have to run to not stop sweating, now I even spend four days or so without running so I don't make my heart work too hard, and it will probably hurt like hell but it's not the pain I'm worried about it, just keeping sweating, I have to run today or tomorrow, anyway.

Just in case I suddenly drop dead, because I still have nowhere to move to, and I know this will keep going on, me being unable to sleep because of the anxiety their noises give me, so it's not just the stress, it's starting to affect my body, my head hurts and my head never hurts, and my chest hurts sometimes too, that's also why I really want to leave soon, each day is worse because I don't sleep and it's been too long. It's not that likely that I'll die though assuming I manage to leave this month, if I only run two times a week and force myself to eat when I'm not hungry.

I couldn't care less about random people on the internet finding out who I am, though, it was a really specific situation. But a lot of things give me anxiety, not in the sense that I worry about it, but that I can't shake the annoying uncomfortable feeling and would rather avoid it.

I was reading your explanation, about taking "too long", and I was already thinking of what to answer but then it made laugh when you said you have become overly cautious too. To be honest, I know you have a lot of things to do, I don't doubt that, but I mostly assume that you have a lot of free time and don't do it just because you don't feel like it or you are tired, so I really wouldn’t think anything of it if I saw you hit post limit, and I don't mind it at all and I've told you about it, that you don't need to have a reason not to answer me.

Never worry about it really, just know that maybe I'll drop dead soon, exhausted, if I don't leave this place, so don't think I started ignoring you out of nowhere because you didn't answer fast or something.

I wouldn't do that, if I had a reason to stop answering you or writing to you I would tell you, I know some people just suddenly stop and they have valid reasons sometimes, but I could never do that to anyone, it doesn't feel right. Even if it was someone I hated, I would tell him I would no longer answer him no matter what he sent because I hated him and I was going to start deleting his messages without reading them.

i didn't say I don't travel because I am afraid of the plane crashing, if I really wanted to travel I would do it, what I meant is that since it's the same to me, whether I travel or whether I don't, it's not worth the risk. It's worth the risk for everyone that actually wants to do it, of course.

So, even if I don't want to do it, if death and money weren't a factor, I don't see why I wouldn't enjoy it, going from place to place all the time. I basically repeated what I said before. It's just complicated.

I don't care for traveling. But whenever I want to do something I do it, I don't think "I want to do this but I might die", as you said, that's true of everything and what's the point of not doing whatever you want if you could drop dead at any time, but I have to think it's worth it, and it's only worth it if I truly can't help but want it. By careful I meant I never do anything risky unless I really love it.

You feel the need to travel, I don't think it's stupid to take risks then. I enjoy being inside of cars, so I think it's worth the risk even if it's more dangerous than a plane.

Even if it's not my case, I can still respect the way that your father thinks, though, I know nothing about him but maybe for him just eating and breathing is enough and would rather avoid anything that could make him die in order to keep doing just that, eating and breathing.

If that was exactly someone else's case, I wouldn't judge him. Because of what I've just written, that I think it's smart to only take the risks that you think are worth taking, stuff you truly want.

In my circumstances traveling is not important. But I think getting into a plane is worth it to leave this city so if I ever manage to leave I will do it. I could just say "since I haven't died, I'll just stay away from planes and cars and hope I don't die in this city rather than board a plane" but no.

Now, the thing I hate about planes is that if they fall, and lets say it won't work no matter what, you have no control, I now they are safer, but in the car, even if it isn't true, I can imagine I can jump from the car, that maybe I won't die. In the plane it is not up to me, the odds of surviving the fall, I don't see it happening even if it has happened.

In the car it isn't up to me either, but I feel like it is and that makes the difference. But again, this has nothing to do with it, I really don't want to travel, I just meant I can see why people love it now and that I could love it too. After repeating myself so much, it likely still won't make sense to you, so it's easier if I just say I don't travel because I don't want to travel, and that's true too.

You wouldn't tell anyone not to visit your city, but your city isn't even close to what mine is, no matter how dangerous it could be. I would feel like a bastard telling someone to visit this place being fully aware of how there's no respect for anything, you said it yourself that most criminals there keep to themselves.

Now, I know that if you lived here you would likely tell people to visit, because of your way of thinking, and you would know it's the right thing to do, but that's on you, it wouldn't be your fault that they died, of course. But the thing is, I find this place so unsafe, I would leave today if I could, I would never look back, so I just couldn't tell someone it’s okay to visit, that would make me a hypocrite, if you think about it. It would. I would ditch this city because of the crime this very second if I could, literally this second.

If someone told me they dream of seeing this place, I would still warn them, but I would understand why they would visit no matter what, I would do the same if I truly wanted to visit somewhere really dangerous. It's what I said about doing whatever you want as long as you truly want it, since it's what I do with my life too.

Right now, that I am so weak, I will run anyway, because I don't want to stop sweating, I don't want to risk it, I'm not even sure I will stop sweating this soon, but I'm deciding I would rather risk dropping dead than risk stopping sweating, I'm saying sweating is that important to me, not that it's something I love but whatever. I could also say "well, I won't automatically die just because I don't sweat, I would just have to be extra careful, but I sure as hell won't risk having a heart attack, that could kill me on the spot, I would rather struggled than take this risk."

Maybe you know how you would feel if you had been born in my city, just as I am sure of many things even if I haven't experienced them. But when it comes to this, I can't be sure of how I would feel if I had been born in yours, I just suspect, since most people romanticize Italy, that maybe I would feel that I live in a good enough country and be drawn to exotic places.

It's just something I can't know because being born in this place has shaped me in many ways, seeing it as a poor country. But there are so many things here, so many stupid thoughts people have because society has somehow made them feel inferior. I don't dislike it because of it and I don't feel inferior to white people, if anything, there is so much that they ignore, but I can't say whether it has made me attracted to cultures that somehow feel different from mine, that people currently living in those places are rich.

I feel that ideally, I would have liked to be born in a country with white people but with a lot of foreigners living there, that way, I would still keep my bond with this place and I wouldn't be surrounded by white people, they wouldn't single me out, and my parents and my family would be the same, I would know things about my city, I would still speak my language, but I would get to grow up in a safer country and with better buildings.

Yes, I can honestly tell you I wouldn't care and that my relationship wouldn't be affected, true love is the most important thing, but I'm not a normal man when it comes to love, you probably know that by now, it's not about being special or not, not this drawing of me doing something unusual and other boys using Facebook and dressing like Jay-Z, so my opinion isn't actually that valuable, if you think about it.

I wouldn't be with anyone if I didn't think it was true love, that's why I said I could understand a man not doing it for something other than true love. Why would the relationship be affected if I have been living four years like this, and if I far as I know I could live twenty years like this.

Now, here is why I knew that my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend didn't love her that much, at least not then, I don't remember which meme they saw, and he said online relationships were for losers, so my ex-girlfriend asked her why he would say something like that, so he said "because a relationship is both about emotions and about your body", I so don't agree with him. And she probably did, so that shut her up.

She just argued with him about the couple seeing each other every once in a while, traveling, that sort of thing, about how it wouldn't be that much different from barely getting to see someone that lived next to you but didn't have the time, but anyway, that doesn't matter, I just felt the need to specify that he didn't actually make her shut up.

I knew he was wrong, because, there are asexual people that have a relationship with someone that isn't asexual. So, he could have said "Oh, that's good, but I meant, touching the person in other ways", and I still disagree because, let's say you are dating a ghost, so you love the ghost, and the ghost loves you. Is your love supposed to be a lie just because you will never touch each other? 

So, it was nonsense, of course that if you truly love the ghost you will be happy as long as you love each other. And the same goes for a talking shoe, the talking shoe loves you, but you can't do a lot of things with him, since he is a shoe, who cares, your love is real.

The last part was so stupid it made me laugh, but it makes sense if you think about it. I thought, if he truly loved my ex-girlfriend, he would understand true love isn't about this and that, a relationship is about being someone's first choice and being loyal to you and that someone being your first choice and you being loyal to them. I'm of course ignoring relationships with five members, open marriages, all that sort of thing. I'm just talking about what most men that are happy with just one woman do. Of course, that wouldn't be him since he cheated on her, and I wasn't surprised, ever since I read that comment from him, years ago, I realized he was capable of it.

Oh, and I also explained to you too, that I'm not even slightly turned on if the other person is doing me some favor. Back when I pressured my ex-girlfriend for sex, which didn't last for long, I did it because I thought that she could somehow end up wanting it to, not just to please me. I don't know what Jaime was thinking, but since he is an idiot, maybe he was thinking that she could end up wanting it to, he say something like that but I don't remember the quote, that he would turn her slaps into kisses, so to me it implies that he believed at some point she was really into it and she wanted it. Like when they had sex next to Joffrey in the book and she was telling him to put it in.

I understand it would be crazy to ask that of him, to ask it of most men, I was just sharing my thoughts, but if I had to guess, I would say he would need to walk away eventually, if you just wanted him to have sex once a month forever, maybe he would be fine for a couple of months but not for many years, or maybe once a month would be still acceptable, I have no idea. But I don't think it would work even if I don't know a thing about him, just that he is probably like most men other than being respectful and understanding, and that most men wouldn't be okay with that so there's no reason to believe he would.

I honestly believe that if it's true love, the sort I only see in books and movies, there's nothing you wouldn't give up. I know he loves you, maybe he even believes it's true love, maybe it will be, but I don't think it is right now, so I can't be sure that he would be okay with not having sex for a year or so. Probably not, and it obviously wouldn't make him wrong. But it wouldn't make you wrong if you asked it of him, you would have the right to.

Maybe what you should do if you break up with him in some years, it's to be clear about this as soon as you meet a man, I think you are into Tinder and that sort of thing, so maybe you could mention it before you even meet.  Of course it's pointless if you really don't mind having sex often even if you would rather not. So doing something like this would make it hard to find someone, but once you did you wouldn't need to have sex unless you really wanted to.

My mom's boyfriend is so weird, they spend months without having sex, he isn't cheating on her, I can't swear it, but he is some weird alien.

She says he has a huge dick, I actually saw it, because my mom tells me everything, so there was this picture, he knows I saw it, he isn't super shy but he is odd, he was probably really embarrassed, so, it was huge but not that huge, in my opinion, it has to be over 20 centimeters, it was definitely no average dick, if he has it up they can't leave the car or anything, he can't hide it. He has no problem getting it up, my mom goes out of her way actually to tell everyone about how huge it is, and she always ends up hurt when they have sex because it hits her but she says he is good at it, that it's just the size of it, and well she's your height and she has a great body but she isn't a big woman, so her hips aren't super wide, so it could be that too.

They used forceps to get me out of her, this metal thing that grabs the baby by the head. They kept measuring my head for a year and I turned out fine. I don't know if it's still legal.

My mom loves sex so it's not that and she is so good looking, probably everything about her is perfect, she has a huge chest, which is sort of why huge chests remind me of hers and I don't appreciate them as much, I know it's odd, but she has always walked around naked and stuff, she doesn't care, it didn't traumatize me or anything, it's just that a lot of huge chests sort of look exactly the same, it's not that I'm turned on by chests anyway, and it's not that I would be turned off by huge chests either. We don't look that much alike, I look a lot like my dad when he was a boy and a teen, because he looked like this rough thing the older he got, he wasn't entirely hideous since he slept with a lot of women, but it's likely just because he was a bastard and they somehow found that charming, I wouldn't have slept with that man if he was the last man alive, but whatever, I wouldn't sleep with my mom either, so it's probably because they are my parents that I find them disgusting.

He is a really weird person, you have no idea, he is boring, he doesn't talk, he doesn't like to listen, he doesn't do anything, but he is weird, which is funny coming from me, weird in a different way, I guess. Maybe he is like you but he is too shy to tell her. I know he likes it, because sometimes he even tried to force her, not really, but trying to follow her into the shower until she was so angry and told him to stop it. He loves it but he has to be in the mood and spends months without it. Unless we are completely wrong about him and he has been faking being such a decent person, but I think he actually is a good man, so he probably really barely has sex and only with my mom, for whatever reason he might have.

I don't think that you should answer in order either, I just do it usually since I have your letters at hand whether I read the letter before answering or while I am reading, because you mentioned something about what part of the letter you were supposed to answer.

[hereitalkonandon]

I’m writing something to you but I tell you because my stupid neighbors won’t shut up.

And this time I need to concentrate but they don’t let me, so it might take a while but if I have internet and there’s no reason why I shouldn’t then I’ll finish it today. I know I don’t have to tell you, also.

[hereitalkonandon]

I always write something here because at this point it would look naked if I didn’t.

Yeah, of course I can tell you why I blocked you, I just thought that it would make sense coming from me because I've a lot of weird behaviors, and then I clearly don't dislike you so I didn't feel like you would even be curious and the story was long. 

So I have two accounts and both have the same amount of posts more or less, but one is my personal account, it's one year older than the other, no one cares about it but that's the one that I love the most, I use it daily to post whatever I want but I also talk about my life sometimes, I never like anything with it. Then the other account, no one cares about it either but that's the one I use to like things and to follow a lot of people, sometimes I ignore it for months, as in I don't reblog anything, but I often like things. So I was obviously following you with that one.

I would often check your blog and steal a post or two to reblog with the account that I actually love, (I love the other one too but not as much) so I couldn't just reblog them from you because I don't approve of reblogging and reblogging from someone for months but somehow not following them. I don't actually care and I don’t mind if others do it, but I'm aware it might be odd, so I didn't do that with you because I knew I was checking on you.

With other people it doesn't matter, since I know I'm not checking on them, so who cares if I keep mysteriously reblogging and reblogging from them and never actually following them. So, both you and someone else could think the same thing, it would be the same action, but the difference is I didn't care with other people. I was also well aware that you wouldn't notice a thing even if I randomly made those reblogs, but that's how my brain works and it made me uncomfortable.

Then one day when I remembered it was Revenge of the Sith’s anniversary because I had seen it on your blog earlier, for whatever reason I thought I might as well follow you with that account too. But then I realized it was giving me a lot of anxiety, my follows are public, there are dark people out there, you are an attractive woman, you are interesting, cultured, smart, angry, I didn't want the dark people to get the wrong idea, and you wouldn't even notice if I clicked unfollow, it was as easy as that, so why not do it, so I did it.

Back then I loved to go through the Jaime and Cersei tags, you were often there, I actually found you years ago because of it as I've already told you. And I would use my other account to surf the tags, because I would mostly like posts, I don't use my favorite account to like things so it's pointless to surf tags with that one, I only copy the posts I really like and take them to my other account, well, that's now, when I first started I would reblog things nonstop, I still do now sometimes, but I feel them in my soul or something.

There are a lot of posts in both of my Tumblrs that now make me embarrassed or with thoughts that I don't even have anymore, but I refuse to delete them, so I can see how much I've changed even if I've always been the same person, and how I've changed my mind about some things.

You were not going to notice a thing, but I still knew what I was doing and it gave me anxiety, since I unfollowed you with my other account, I felt odd about liking one of your posts with my other account, you had no way to tell I owned both accounts, but I didn't care, that's not how my anxiety works, so I unfollowed you and blocked you, because I didn't want to accidentally like one of your posts while searching the Jaime and Cersei tags, I didn't have to block you with my favorite account because I never looked through the tags with that one so I obviously couldn't accidentally like any of your posts. And yeah it's just that simple and that stupid.

The whole letter was already written but I’m editing it and deleting things were I repeat myself and such, but I actually accidentally fell asleep for some hours right now after editing this part, so this letter will probably have a lot of dumb things that I won’t notice because I am so tired so I understand what you meant at the end of your letter.

At one point I even followed Victor because even if I didn't care for him I often found posts about trees and dumb stuff on his blog that I would steal and reblog from someone else, I was already checking on him because of you anyway. We were so different and I found him so boring, but I think I always found way more posts from him than from you, since I find you interesting as a person but I rarely personally like a post from you by itself, I do, but not as often as with his blog.

Of course he reblogged a lot of tacky things like Justin Bieber and dumb comedies. In this case, I wasn't reblogging them from someone else because I cared about Victor's opinion, it was precisely because I didn't want him to somehow think that I cared about what he was up to. Sort of, but only when it involved you.

Even if I didn't have anything against him either other than finding him dull as a person. I'm sure that even straight men have approached him because of his looks even if they obviously aren't attracted to him, his looks meant nothing to me, it offended me that he could think I found him interesting, what was there to find interesting other than that.

But once I followed him it didn't matter, I obviously kept reblogging from him because I was following him, and that would make sense to him. Maybe it didn't, because this one time he tagged me in some thing with some questions for people you would like to know better, since I had been reblogging a lot of trees and whatever from him I guess, he didn't say so, but I could imagine that was the reason.

I think one time I even reblogged this picture of a bowl of cereal that he was about to have in the bathtub or something, felt like something I would do, probably most people would eat like that. Perhaps he got the wrong idea because I reblogged a lot from him and he thought I was socializing, whatever it was I answered him because I hate being rude. I never ignore people when they talk to me, even if someone is insulting me I answer their insult, not because I care about being polite once they were rude, but because I’m just not into ignoring people, they are talking to me, why shouldn’t I answer.

I sent it as a personal message instead of as an ask because it was too long, and for some reason I also didn’t want to post the questions on my blog. You know how I love to talk and talk and talk so it was a single message but I hit the limit. He didn't never even bothered to tell me he read it, I was glad, I didn't actually want to talk to him. I probably didn't even want to talk to you back then, I found you interesting, but I'm never lonely and I didn't feel like I had anything to say that could interest you.

Ever since I joined Tumblr I would sometimes spend days reblogging a lot of things from someone, a lot of old posts and stuff, and they never thought anything of it, I was obviously just interested in their random pictures. Not that I know what he actually thought when I did it to him, but he is the only person to ever tag me or send me anything at all after doing something like that, other than a really nice woman from three years ago or so.

She just said hi and such and I talked a lot like I always do and overshared, she seemed to have a lot of anxiety too from stuff I saw on her blog and she told me she had been extremely depressed for years and for no reason I think, a mental illness probably even if she didn’t tell. She actually managed to talk like a normal person and was likely used to talking to everyone, so I think she either found me boring or was uncomfortable too and didn’t know how to handle me because I was uncomfortable myself and I kept justifying the way that I talked and clearly had no social skills.

So we exchanged some words for a day or two but she didn’t keep talking, then she sort of said hi once again months after that because I reblogged Halloween pictures nonstop and it was nowhere near Halloween, not from her but she was following me so she saw, 18 pages of Halloween pictures in a row I think, just like the first time we didn’t keep talking. And then she sent me some ask a year or so after that after being wrong about one of my posts about some stuff happening in real life and she thought it was online and was trying to be helpful and telling me I could report people on Tumblr, so I just told her that it wasn’t like that but thanked her and stuff.

You are the only case where I took the time because of the person and not the random pictures. But I unfollowed him after a month or three (by then I had already unfollowed you or maybe I hadn’t followed you with that account yet, I just remember I wasn’t following you at the same time) because he reblogged a picture of a white shirt that said "Killer", written with a Sharpie, it was from this one idiot that murdered a lot of teenagers and said, at his trial, while wearing it, something like "this hand that killed your children now masturbates at the memory of their deaths" in front of the parents of course.

I obviously hated that murderer, it somehow made me angry that Victor would be stupid enough to just reblog something like that without researching, I don't think he would have had reblogged it if he had known, so whatever, I clicked unfollow.

I kept checking on him sometimes, but because of you. Then you broke up and I kept checking for a while, but by then I actually had something against him, I don't care if he is a good person, I know he is, but I have contempt for all men that wish that stuff to women they claimed to love at some point. So I was so angry whenever I visited him and once I realized it was really over and that you didn't have anything to do with him, or that maybe you did elsewhere even if not romantically but it wouldn't show on his blog, I stopped visiting.

He is nothing to me so I'm obviously not carrying some grudge still, but I dislike him because of the way he spoke of you, as I would dislike any man that does that, as I've said. And I repeat that yes I did insult my ex-girlfriend but that was also the way that we talked to each other when we were together, and not like he did, I never wished her ill, that was the last thing I wanted for her.

This reminds me that another thing I hate is when a man was always respectful of his girlfriend and never used bad words with her but as soon as they break up he starts treating her differently and being extremely disrespectful. I was also disrespectful towards her during our relationship and she was like that towards me too. But I mean when men do that exclusively after the break up, to me it says “I don’t bother to respect you because I can no longer gain anything from you, I don’t make any effort because I won’t get anything out of it.”

So yeah, while he no longer makes me angry, my idea of him has been tarnished forever, but it doesn't matter if I’m being unfair because I never think of him if I'm not writing to you, and he doesn't need me, so it's okay if that's the idea I want to keep. But I truly hope he grows up anyway, I have no reason to wish he keeps behaving like that towards women when he breaks up with them, both for him and for the women. So, may he rest in peace. Also, I saw some anon you received at some point asking if you still thought of your ex, and they probably meant Victor, but I didn't send it.

No, I didn't find the poem because of my ex-girlfriend, I would love to read poetry if I didn't find most of it cheesy, but I always do, so I'm too lazy to look for poetry hoping that I will enjoy a poem or two, just as I’m lazy with movies when it comes to characters not having enough depth because of the duration of the average movie.

I found it because I had seen the quote "I see you in colors that don't exist" plenty of times, so when it started to remind me of you I wanted to see where it came from, if it was just a single quote, and sadly it was from a love poem (I was surprised when I saw that it barely had any comments since the quote was already so famous), so I felt that I couldn't send that line to you, I felt like sending an explanation along with the quote would be dumb, I ended up doing that eventually anyway.

That's probably why I memorized a fictional meaning, so much, that yesterday I thought that was actually what the poem was about even when I didn’t remember a thing about it, now I remember that back then I thought that from a stranger's point of view, if you sent her that quote, the poem was about your imaginary relationship with her and how painful it was even if I already knew that it was probably about a relationship that had actually happened but now the other person had moved on, it likely reminded me of my ex-girlfriend but I was also mostly convinced that she still loved me so I didn't relate to it. I found some parts of the poem cheesy, that's why I didn't care for it and forgot all about it but that one quote. I don't care about most poems. I love the idea of them but there's always something cheesy. I find most things cheesy too.

I was embarrassed, I am embarrassed when it comes to sharing good feelings, I can talk about romantic love forever and my positive feelings when it comes to that, it doesn't make me embarrassed, but most positive feelings that have nothing to do with romance or animals do.

The thing about the wall sound so like me, I didn't remember it but I do now that you have mentioned it. It was good then, there was violence. I don't use violence for that though, it's just a part of who I am and I'm angry most of the time, I was already like that before I met my ex-girlfriend and it never made me unhappy, it felt natural, I was comfortable with my anger, I don't think it will ever go away, it’s probably because of something hormonal and doesn’t have an actual reason.

I don’t have any problem that I am aware of, when I was about 20 my testosterone was extremely high. That was also the time when I kept pressuring my ex-girlfriend for sex after she was the one that finally started all the sexual stuff by herself probably tired that I never tried anything, but I stopped soon when she told me how it made her feel, I felt like I was going crazy and couldn’t think of anything else, only with her though, it never made me find other women attractive, so men that use that as an excuse to cheat are stupid.

And I would have trouble breathing when I was enraged and my chest would feel way too heavy, but the doctor said it happened sometimes and that it would probably fix itself and wasn’t too dangerous since I was young, and it did after a year, so I know for sure there’s nothing wrong anymore because even if I have trouble breathing I’ve never felt like I literally have to keep gasping nonstop, and I also only feel like I’ve trouble breathing when I’ve been pushed way too far, like with my neighbors but that’s because they make me so anxious too and they keep doing it all day long, anger isn’t normally physically painful anymore. I was also often angry since I was about 5, before any of that happened, that’s why I think it’s just there for no reason, like how some people have always been too lazy because it’s just who they are.

As I've told you though, I never use my fists against other men, I always try to solve my problems with words, and I've been lucky enough to never have someone try to punch me, because then I would have had to defend myself, because of my pride, of course. Lucky because that’s not the kind of person I want to be. I also know that if someone that I am sure is so much stronger than me, probably everyone since I’m too skinny, punched me, I would feel the need to keep punching him back while being fully aware that I will likely lose, yeah because of my pride. So I'm not really hurting anyone by being this way.

Oh I also asked you not to publish it because I thought that maybe you would rather not spam your blog, but that you would obviously answer me because you felt that you had to. And when I saw you mention the anon, also, I sent another anon because I felt that if I didn't perhaps it would look like that person wasn't checking on you anymore, not that it was an awful thing, but I was still doing it so I mentioned it.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave this city, sadly. But I'm planning on moving out, because I'm really desperate about the noises, as soon as I can, I don't know how soon, though, but if I could I would leave this week, it just doesn't sound that likely since I'm looking for a very specific place, somewhere I can be sure that I won't be annoyed by any noises again.

I just thought that maybe you had heard about Tijuana because of its reputation, but I'm glad that the situation isn't terrible enough to have reached most people, I think that's a good way of measuring, if something is that bad most people in the world have heard about it.

If it's water and it has waves then it's just as a good, I think. I like the night and the stars better, and forests and snow too, but I still love the sea. I used to go to the beach when I was a young boy, now I don't and I haven't been for many years, but I enjoy looking at beaches on the internet. Which is crazy because I have one here. Even if I don't visit it, to me it's always weird when I actually think of how some countries don't have beaches and people have to travel just to go to one.

I like my city enough if I ignore the criminals, but I like the look of U.S.A better, that's the only country I've visited, I don't think I know which place I would rather if both countries were just as safe. It has better buildings and better streets of course since they have way more money. I used to visit California a lot as a teenager and ever since I was a 3 or 4, I feel like Target was a friend of mine, I felt like crying when I wrote that, it's funny, I just really liked it, it's just some supermarket, but I always felt good when I was there. And Disneyland. I also saw snow in that country, the only time I've ever seen snow, I felt like crying once again. We once even visited a police station until 3 AM or so because my mom's car was stolen. They ended up finding it on that night because for some reason they just stole some stuff like my iPod and moved the car to the next parking lot. My passport expired years ago and I was too lazy to get one so I can’t visit anymore. They make such a big deal out of it and often deny you a visa even if you have had already been visiting for years.

I love that country but if I could leave Mexico, since that would require a lot of effort anyway, I wouldn't strive for U.S.A, Americans think everyone would love to live there but I wouldn't because of the random shootings at restaurants and supermarkets by crazy people. I would be leaving because I want a safer city, and of course anywhere else is safer, but I would try to pick something from the top twenty safest countries list, or fifty, any place that would have me but that wasn't as dangerous. I know that you can have something happen to you anywhere, some people have been murdered in Sweden and Germany, I know, and I haven't been murdered yet and I live here. But yeah my odds of being murdered would be lower elsewhere, that's what I want.

I love this place called Sanborns, chain stores from Mexico, it's a dumb place where you can buy books and things like watches, glasses, candy, things for adults mostly, toys, but it also has a restaurant. I always felt good there. And we have Costco and Office Depot like in U.S.A, I love those places too. I also enjoyed being outside of any school building, for some reason.

I don't love places in particular, but I liked looking at the stars and at the moon from different streets and houses, and to be in the car at night and all the things I saw. I also loved certain rooms or parts from different houses that I've been to. Then these huge buildings (huge when compared to a person), two towers with a lot of stores and offices, my mom would take me there and I would walk through one of the buildings by myself while she was exercising, I would also buy magazines because I've always loved them. And then I love life and most of what I have experienced has been here. So in a way I love this place even if I wouldn't care to ever visit again if I manage to leave.

This city is where I realized I want to live forever, it's just that I know I can have the same experiences somewhere else. If I ever leave this country I know that then I could think fondly about most things from it, since I wouldn't feel at risk because of it. The funny think is I can understand what you are saying when you talk about your city, I can't claim that I know what you actually feel, but some places from Europe make me feel like that, not any place in specific, some pictures. And I can imagine what it would be like to grow up surrounded by art and culture, all that sort of stuff. When I look at those kind of pictures I feel like I am living someone else's life even if I’ve never wished for that because I love being who I am, and that I have been there and have many memories of doing things in those places.

I've been answering your letter as I am reading it, sometimes I read the whole letter before I answer and sometimes I do this, it depends on my mood, but not that I do one thing when I am sad and one when I am happy, I just do whatever I feel like doing at the time, for no reason.

So I've just realized that you asked me about traveling and I've already sort of answered. Before talking to you I didn't care about traveling that much, but now I do even if I wouldn't spend my money on it, I would save it to leave this country eventually. I didn't see it as something bad but I also wasn't drawn to it, and for some reason this month or so I've been able to see why most people really enjoy it. If I had all the money in the world and knew the plane couldn't crash, or if I were immortal, I can see myself loving to move from one city to the other every month or so, I don't see why I wouldn't rather do that than staying in the same place, though I would also like to have a home where I would keep all my stuff and favorite furniture. Before, I couldn't understand.

I'm not afraid to die, it just makes me extremely angry, I love myself, why wouldn't I be angry at the thought of disappearing. That's why I'm ridiculously careful, and some would say that's not living, but to me it is, like what I said about traveling, if I could I still wouldn't do it often anyway, because I can't know that the plane won't crash and as far as I know I am not immortal. I hope we are, we have never died. And I can still do everything I truly enjoy doing even if I never travel, that's why I wouldn't risk it, since I don't truly need to see the rest of the world in person to feel that I am living a complete life. But what I said it's also true, I can now see why everyone wants to do it.

If I traveled I would like to see U.K out of  all the places that you mentioned, I love Victorian stuff and old books written by English people. I've also always loved knights and things like that. And I didn't care that much for Egypt before but now it makes me think of you and I would like to see the pyramids, but I feel more drawn to a museum full of things from Egypt, I have never been into deserts but I love being inside of buildings, nice buildings make me feel the same way that looking at the stars does.

I'm not rich but I've never been poor or unable to buy the things that I want, but since I'm from a sort of poor country I've always been attracted to cultures that feel like they are from rich people, white people usually. If I had been born in a country that I didn't think of as poor I feel like I would be drawn to exotic places. This doesn’t happen with looks because I only like dark brown eyes and white people from that sort of cultures normally have blue or green eyes.

I've always told you that I like everything you have to say and that includes rambling, it's good when you talk more about yourself. About an hour ago or so, I had to get up, and I thought of how I often feel like crying when I am talking to you which also made me feel like crying, it was already almost 9 PM and looking at the night sky makes me emotional by itself. You are a good writer but it's not because of that, good writers don't automatically make me feel like crying. I just thought that it's nice that you want to be a writer, whether you try to sell books or not, but that you are doing it, even if it were just a private journal, it would be a waste if you didn't write.

I think the reason you aren't drawn to U.S.A is that you already have really nice buildings and that you have been to similar places but with more culture, so to me it makes sense that you wouldn't find anything special about it. I would also like to see Canada. You are lucky in the sense that most people want to visit places from Europe anyway, some spend their whole lives saving for it. You get to live in Europe and also visit it. I feel like I would also rather visit places from Europe better than all the other countries, Oceania too, first I would visit cities from U.S.A, because of what I told you before in my letter, that I also grew up there, spent some nights there, so I care for it even if I wouldn't enjoy living there, but just because of the shootings, otherwise I would love to, since I already feel a connection because of the TV Shows, books, music, brands, internet, language, and the time I spent there, it's so much safer than Mexico too.

I think Mexico City is a nice place, the actual capital of the country, it's also dangerous though, depending on the streets, but nothing like Tijuana. Their accent is terrible and funny, but not that foreigners could tell, and the air is bad for you because there's a lot of contamination, it's a really big place. But they actually live like people there, they have this university called UNAM, many museums, and great things.

I never thought you were into bondage and rape fantasies, though, I only said I wasn't into it, I was specifying because I said I was really into humiliation and that sort of stuff, so I didn't explain what I liked about it, that would have been too graphic and disgusting, but I felt like saying what I wasn't into which was easier to write without it being dirty, it doesn't make me uncomfortable but I feel like it's inappropriate for us to talk about it too graphically, somehow.

I know you are into choking because I have seen you say that on your blog and that thing about the knife from Victor, but I never saw anything about rape or bondage on your blog and didn't know you had any experience when it came to that, even if you didn't enjoy it that much. I would actually love to do sexual stuff often and I think about it daily just not all day long, but I'm not into casual sex so it's really complicated. But it's not something that I need, like when people claim is a basic need, not really, you can take care of your sexual needs by yourself for the rest of your life, you can't do that with food.

Maybe it's just your own version of sexuality too, there are no rules about how you should feel, and it would also be normal if you felt differently about it all the time. Ideally, I think you should only do something sexual if you feel like it, even if it's once a year, but I know you probably feel like that would be unfair to your boyfriend, of course it wouldn't, and I'm not saying it's some sacrifice to sleep with him, just that in an ideal world you would only have sex if you felt the urge to do it.

And you also wouldn't be wondering if there's something wrong with it. I think there's only something wrong with it if you really wish you could want it all the time but can't, and even then maybe it would still be normal. Like someone saying he wishes he could be hungry all the time but couldn't, it doesn't work like that. But you also say that it could be because you were traumatized and if so then you could need some therapy or treatment if you want to fix it, assuming there's anything to fix.

When it comes to asexuality I personally think that if someone is in love he wouldn't care about giving sex up, and that if a man cares enough about it to break up with his partner then he isn't that much in love. But I'm talking about true love since it's the only sort of love I think lasts for long, I can understand someone caring a lot for their partner but still feeling he can't give sex up and deciding it's best to leave even if I couldn't picture myself doing that, but I would call him a liar if he claimed it was true love but he had to walk away, I’d buy that he believed that, but I would think he is an idiot for believing such a thing is possible.

I don't know if I found out a year ago or two, I've known about him since I was 14 or so, and I never suspected he was gay or anything, just never thought of it, but I wasn't shocked when I read that he was, only thought it was a shame that he felt that he had to hide that part about himself for years when I read that he had struggled with that.

I don't think that here in Mexico anyone would be judged for being asexual, some ignorant people would probably say it's weird and that they aren't truly living, maybe most people, say stupid things like that, but some people would probably find it appealing, some sexist men, I think, feel that they would always be virgins and fantasize about sleeping with them. I feel some wouldn't understand and would make dumb jokes about it but that they wouldn't automatically assume it's a bad thing, maybe a lot of people over 40 and young people that think they are smart would say asexuals are just being stupid and that they need to stop using the internet so much, the worst kind of people, I can’t stand them, I would never be around them because they make me feel like I’m having a heart attack. I really love old people though, probably so much better than the young, it’s just ignorant old people that frustrate me.

And when it comes to gay people, they are accepted if they come out, mostly, some minor celebrities have and it didn’t hurt them, but of course that a lot of men still use gay as an insult and think it's the worst thing that a straight man could be called, I don’t know how their brains work in order to think there’s anything offensive about the word other than mistakenly stating someone’s sexuality.

Then some religious people are against it like religious people from most countries. Or some make this stupid protests sometimes about gay people adopting, saying they are okay with them but that they shouldn’t do that to children which makes my brain hurt because it doesn’t make any sense, saying that they do anything to children at all, it doesn’t happen often though.

I was shocked when I read this list two years ago or so about how accepting countries were of gay people and Italy was lower than Mexico (because Italy has better education and Europeans are so much cultured) but then I thought of the church and it immediately made sense. Many people are catholic here but very passive about it, they think god and Jesus are out there but don’t think about them, most people from this continent probably, except U.S.A and Canada, but nothing like in Italy, of course. There are some very catholic people too, and enough catholic private schools (religion is forbidden in public schools because they can’t force it on you) but nothing different actually happens, they just pray once a month or something and have a religion class some days. I know because I went to two religious high schools but only because my mom thought they were nice, she never really cared about it and she is actually agnostic too since I explained it to her and she thought it really made sense.

There were gay students and they never tried to change their minds, they completely ignored the topic, I only heard a teacher or two made some stupid comment about it being wrong, not hatefully, but that because of the Bible, not to them but to the class, and there was only one time when they bought a nun to talk about some stuff, about life in general, but she decided it would be a brilliant idea to spend the whole time whining about Adam and Steve and everyone was so annoyed because yeah most people hate that sort of stuff and couldn’t care less.

It was also while doing my religion homework that I realized that the Bible was full of lies when I was about 15, and that its god was made up, so great job, school.

I also believe that even if most people wouldn't think it's a big deal, a lot of celebrities are still keeping their sexuality to themselves because they want to have as many fans as they can, and you obviously always lose some fans when you say that you are gay or something other than straight. I personally wouldn't lie about being gay to keep my fans, I would want the homophobic people to stay away from me at all costs anyway and wouldn’t want them to be my fans even if they wanted to “see past the fact that I was gay”, but I understand why they feel like they have to.

Since I'm not into socializing I have no idea about this, but I feel like they probably keep annoying asexual people with stupid questions all the time no matter the country.

I had something like what happened to you too, it was when I was 14 maybe, after I took a shower, I got a lot of red patches on my body, and I remember they were so itchy but not painful, a really annoying feeling anyway, but they started disappearing as soon as the towel touched them, it was odd. You will probably be fine when it comes to allergies, my mom has been allergic to dogs forever but she still loves them and she’s around them all the time, she only gets some red hives but never had any trouble breathing or any swelling.

[hereitalkonandon]

I would have finished this sooner if it weren’t for my neighbors.

Ah, you made me way more embarrassed for him or her, reading it from someone else's memory, I guess. It was harmless it just looked cheesy to me. I feel bad even giving the message an interpretation but I'm pretty sure the part about the books was just nonsense, everything in that message, and the point was hitting on you, and I can't know if they wanted to talk or something, but if they did they probably just got discouraged by your kind but neutral answer, I would have also answered that sort of message politely.

I remember that I immediately felt like it was a boy without even questioning it or realizing, because of how cheesy it was and didn't even notice the thing about the pronouns, and it was stupid of me to just suddenly decide that women wouldn't do something that undignified. I don't know, I often see the way that men flirt and I wonder how they ever get anything done, I've always assumed that if I were a woman I would die a virgin. Not that I've ever hit on anyone, but I just try to avoid saying cheesy things no matter what he context is.

Also, for some reason that tale has always made me embarrassed and uncomfortable, to the point of even being unable to write the title in one of my letters, it makes me feel dirty. Maybe because it looks like a person dating his dog or another animal depending on the adaptation, it's probably that. I know you like that story though, and most people do. I don't hate it, it just makes me feel weird.

I sent you the thing about colors, but I can't remember what else I said, I was probably feeling awful and I doubt I was myself when I wrote it, I was worst at talking to people too, I think it was 2016. I’m still bad, though, the only difference is I don’t use bad words, and I’ve been interacting with you but I would still need to keep justifying my weird behaviors to strangers and feel unable to talk like a normal person, it doesn’t bother me though, it’s just something I’ve noticed about me.

It was one of those times when I would check your blog most days. I actually even blocked you on that one blog eventually, not because I was angry, but it’s a really long story, and then I felt odd about unblocking you since you were already blocked and you remain blocked.

I don’t know how these Tumblr extensions work, I refuse to use one because I’m old, so it’s not that it was important to you or that you noticed but that I didn’t know if for some reason a notification would pop up saying you’ve been blocked and unblocked, so if for some reason it did I would end up looking crazy. 

And that quote would come to my head, I thought it would be annoying to send it. "Is this cheesy? I think it is, but I wouldn't find it cheesy and I find everything cheesy." I've already told you that I didn't care if you would never know who sent it, that it would still make me feel stupid to embarrass myself as an anon, so I never sent the quote.

But then you posted one of those things that said send me a color, and I didn't think "God has spoken", but I thought it wouldn't be annoying to send it on that day. You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married. So I found the actual poem cheesy but not that line, to me in the poem, the meaning had nothing to do with the meaning I gave to the line by itself, I think I remember that the author meant he saw her in colors that didn't exist because she didn't love him, so he loved her and everything he saw when it came to their love was inside his head, that's why he says the colors don't exist.

I had to stop for five minutes or so to go kick the wall nonstop to see if they would shut up, it didn't make me calm, it angers me because I can't concentrate. But they never shut up so I can't wait until they shut up either, they don't even have to shut up, the problem is they gossip nonstop against my damn wall when they have their whole house to themselves, but no, they have to do it in their backyard.

I know they have the right to do that and that the solution is moving to another house and I will, they make me so anxious and angry, I can't stand noises, it's my damn room, why do I have to, why do they need to lean against my window. I have the right to kick my wall nonstop too then. I have to go do it again because they have started again.

I didn't read the poem now because I didn't want it to have any influence in my description of what the quote means to me regardless of what it means to the author, so I don't remember anything about it. The meaning of the quote by itself to me is obvious, you have no colors to describe that person because she is like nothing else, if you have to tell which colors you are seeing you still have no words for them. I would have probably said more but my neighbors ate my brain, I can barely breathe, they annoy me all day long, I'm so tired of them. Not that I was about to say anything deep, I just mean that they make me incapable of writing a basic sentence, I really struggle to concentrate when there are noises annoying me because of my anxiety.

I will read the poem again and see what I think about it. "I see you in colors that don't exist. It is all that I see clearly and why I run." No, now that I read it again, I think that maybe he was talking about them being together but now it's over and that's why it is so awful. I had to read it over and over again to be sure because they talk and talk and talk, my chest hurts since I'm so annoyed.

The meaning that I give to that quote is still the same, I just forgot what the poem was about because I never cared for it. But you talk about a lot of anons that you never understood and I don't remember sending anything mysterious ever, or that much before 2017, I wouldn't know, I think that since you are rare it's normal that people that are odd even if different from you get to find you, so maybe that's why they would send weird stuff too.

Of course the name of my city would give away my whole identity if I had ever done anything memorable and I sure as hell didn't, but I told you before that I don't really mind it and that at this point I just don't want to outright say who I am whether you eventually end up knowing who I am or not for whatever reason, in case we stop talking soon, it's easier for you, I think, not that it would be painful but in the sense that it's easier to feel polite about it, and I repeat that it's not rude to suddenly stop writing and I would never see it like that.

It's a place called Tijuana, now maybe you don't know the extent of what happens here, and some people from this city would say it's a lie, it isn't, they are just ignorant or not careful enough. I personally have never seen anything.

A lot of men and some women dressed all in black wearing balaclavas took me outside my house when I was 15 though, they were about twenty and I was alone, they forcefully opened the garage door, I was on the phone with my mom and she said it was the police and that I should open, I asked her if she was sure and she said yes, but maybe she wasn't sure. At that point they clearly wanted me to open and I had already seen through a window that all of them had huge guns so they were going to open anyway, grabbing a knife also seemed like a stupid plan then.

They were kind to me but they actually had no right to do that, they had no permission to enter my house but I didn’t refuse, that night when we were having dinner at some restaurant, some members of my mom’s family and their friends told me they were only buying time to let the actual criminal run away from his house, and pretend they were looking for him.

Trucks with soldiers arrived too but the police had already searched my house, and this bus that only shows up when there are dead people was outside another house. I got back inside immediately after they left but I knew about this because my mom send my aunt to pick me up when she knew what was happening and I saw the whole street covered by cops.

I have been extremely lucky since I've never faced a criminal or seen bullets (I have heard shooting plenty of times and one time some bullet bounced on the lower part of a car my cousin was driving at night, we didn’t even know where it came from but she said it was a bullet, maybe, we were near some bar and it was 2 AM, we were going to pick up my mom because she loved to party) and a lot of people have been lucky too and have had normal lives, but everything I said is true no matter what other people say about this city.

And it's enough that it is really considered one of the five most dangerous cities, it wouldn't surprise me if it ends up being the first place soon, or eventually no matter how long it takes. I would never tell anyone that visiting this city is a good idea, I would try to dissuade them, they say it's fine for tourists, I don't think so. Most come and go and nothing ever happens. But why risk it, it's not worth it.

I would never make people risk their lives. I think that anyone that lives out of the five most dangerous cities is risking his life if he visits them. They don't have to be here, there are other places to visit.

That said, I'm not picky, the city is probably sort of ugly, but I'm not complaining about the view, I like it, there are buildings and there are trees and the stars are the same, average people are likely as decent as people from other places. I would gladly live my whole life here if it wasn't because of the criminals, but they will never leave this place because it's next to U.S.A, and the government from my country is with them, that's why I have no love for this place, but that’s the only reason. I don't want children, but I would never let my child grow up in this city, that's how unsafe I know that it is.

That's why I don't even enjoy watching TV Shows about drug dealers. When I was a young boy I loved movies about the Mafia, The Godfather, Italian stuff, where they wore suits, never the stuff with drug dealers listening to tacky music and wearing sombreros. And some Al Pacino movies where he was a criminal, he wasn't fancy sometimes but he was Italian, so whatever it didn't matter to me. I had some stuff from the movies, but I started hating all of it as soon as I actually understood how unsafe my city was because of the drug dealers, and I got rid of everything.

It's just a coincidence that you are Italian also, I have nothing against the country obviously, but my only interest on it was because of the Mafia so as soon as I disliked that stuff, when I was about 15, I felt the way that I feel about most countries, it was good but I didn't single it out anymore.

I only started to use the internet when I was about that age too, so I never learned anything about the country from it because my interest was almost gone, I didn't even get to learn about the Mafia when I was into it, but I would buy and keep anything that had a word that looked Italian or that said made in Italy, like cookies and shoes.

My grandma once made me a flag using the one from my country and replacing the white part. There's nothing Italian about me, also, other than obviously being able to pronounce the language without knowing a thing about it.

I still love Italian food too but that's true of most people and I'm sure I would have liked it as much even if I had never cared for the Mafia. I'm aware people say it's not real Italian food but I have never been to Italy. Of course a lot has changed because I don't eat real cheese anymore.

There's this song by Tiziano Ferro and I'm assuming he is probably tacky, Ti scatterò una foto, I found it years ago and I like to sing it every few months, I don't even know what I am saying but I know the words.

I know I looked up the lyrics and didn't care for them because of the line E voglio indifferenza semmai mi vorrai ferire so I decided to forget them. It's sort of the opposite of who I am, I would rather be hurt, it also looks cowardly, like saying a relationship is too much, sort of what you said about people running away from toxic people, I don't think she was ever scared of the relationship and how toxic my love was, she enjoyed it, she was just too tired and wished she could have it without the jealousy.

Even back then of course that I wasn't stupid enough to think that Italy was all about Mafia just as I knew that my country wasn't its drug dealers at all no matter how much they hurt it.

I have nothing against people enjoying fictional stuff about drug dealers, but my hatred for them because of what they do to my country is what personally made me lose all interest, watching or reading that sort of thing would make me enraged, mostly. I avoid news about my city too, it’s not like I can do anything about it and it just makes me so angry.

But I watched Breaking Bad after my dad died since I couldn't read back then, I couldn't concentrate because of the pain and I knew he used to watch it from my grandma. I thought it was really entertaining while I was watching it, I loved a lot of things, but that's about it, it's not something that stayed with me or something that ever made me feel like buying merchandise. I understood a lot of things that the main character did but I never admired him, and people that act like it's some masterpiece annoy me, they don't make me angry, I just don't get it. It was great but it's not even deep or anything.

My mom wanted to name me Emiliano, she doesn't know why she didn't, so to this day she loves it along with Emilio, but she likes the other version way better. She still looks really young and I guess she could have another child but she doesn't want to.

I'm glad she didn't, most of the time you accept your name and the sound is a part of your identity, so I can't be sorry about mine. She once even wrote "Emiliano's card" on this list, I needed something for my cell phone. I got annoyed when I found out and she never did it again.

I agree with you though, that the world would be awful if most people felt that they could just go around imparting justice, it's just that I know deep down that some people would be smart about it, but just a minority. So I understand why we have laws and all of that and it's good so we don't end up murdering each other over nothing.

But I'll never truly believe that those rules should apply to me, I would never do something to anyone that didn't do something awful to me that involved rape or murder or torture, only something serious, and even then I wouldn’t, I never actually wanted to kill him for the sake of punishment anyway. So I'm also okay with someone else that would never do something unfair saying he doesn't feel that he should obey those laws blindly.

I also know that because there are rules and I would have been aware that I was breaking them the police had the right to arrest me because they didn't share my views which is why I had to be careful because I couldn't hurt them for trying to arrest me if they caught me since they didn't do anything to me and it’s just their job.

I think the problem with death penalty is that a lot of innocent people have ended up dead because they were falsely accused or at the wrong place, and that just one unfair death is one too many. There's always corruption so it would probably be impossible to avoid some casualties no matter how careful, at least currently, but I can't see a solution for that in the future. So while I'm obviously not against death penalty as a part of some utopia, I'm also not really in favor, but just because of the mistakes.

Not really, I can see the point in being special even if you are not for the person that you love. If you love them then you won't be happy about that fact but you can still feel good about yourself. I always have even if it doesn't fix the rest of my problems. And if her current boyfriend really is her idea of special, I'm being honest when I say that I truly couldn't care less about her opinion of me anymore, I've always felt like this when it comes to other men, even through our relationship, "If I could know for sure that she likes that thing better than me then her opinion would be nothing to me", the problem is that I could never know for sure.

I've sort of already explained this but I know I've written about two books on this blog by now so it'll be new to you and you are asking me. I know I'm not in love with who she is anymore (unless true love exist and she actually happens to be mine, then it doesn't have to make sense at all, it is what it is, no matter what you do, but I can't know if it exists), so no, it's nothing like what Gatsby did, I'm sure of that, and of who she is even if I'm not entirely sure of who she actually is now, but I don't even find the idea that was left inside my head after 2015 appealing. You love your child even if you don't care that much for his traits, I never liked her for virtues or anything like that. This reminded me of Tommen, how Cersei has always been so unimpressed and still loves him. I wasn’t always unimpressed but by now I obviously am.

I think I should keep my word, that I should love her as a woman still and not just as a person because of that one poem I wrote, that's the only time I implied I would love her forever even if I never said that, and she somehow always assumed I would love her forever because she wrote that she knew back then and that she still knew that I would, after our break up.

But in that poem I wrote "my first and last", if I said last, I think I would be lying if she wasn't, that's also why I shared it with you but I think I never talked about this. Other than not wanting to hurt her if she eventually comes back, I feel like I made a promise when I wrote that, I have no other way of reading "last". It's really complicated even if it looks so simple, it doesn't have to mean "I won't sleep with anyone else ever again" but I'm not interested. And it doesn't have to mean "I won't ever again have a girlfriend" but again, I have no interest, I only care about true love.

"Last" clearly means the last time I love a woman. How could I feel that I have the right to move on after saying that and after claiming I felt romantic love for her a lot of times, I think romantic love itself is a promise, unless I could be sure that she will never need me at all, and I can't know that.

I feel like I'm always waiting for something that I'm already almost sure it won't happen, but that I have to keep waiting for something, that I owe it to her no matter what she does, that because of the man that I am, I owe it to both of us to do what feels like the right thing, and I can't see breaking my word as the right thing, or she coming back and truly loving me only for me to politely use the shrug emoji. It's too complicated. I

So since you asked me if there was anything that gave me a thrill sexually other than her, I liked her sexually because I loved her and for most people it's natural to feel the need to get close to them just out of love, I felt that often. But another part had nothing to do with her, I'm into control and extremely sexist and demeaning things, maybe I’m into humiliation because I'm too proud, I don't know but it wouldn't be weird if it had something to do with it, I know some people judge it, it's just what gets me off, like art, she was so into it and the worst the better, and I'm the same.

I've never cared for pain at all though other than spanking but because of the situation not because I like inflicting pain, and I know that a lot of people love being choked but to me that's stupid so that's why I don't enjoy it, I know you do, but the way that I see it is "oh, yes, I am threatening to murder you, this is so hot" I really can't see it any other way and also it's really dangerous if you use too much force, and why worry about how much force you are using if you can just not choke her, and then this reminds me and you probably enjoyed it too, Victor saying that he would hold some knife against you while having sex, in the tags of some picture, I found it really stupid for that same reason. I'm not using these examples to criticize what you enjoy but only to specify I don't enjoy that sort of thing and why, I felt like what I said before could mean that I was also into that.

And I'm not into rape fantasies, I just don't see the appeal of the whole "you don't even want me but I somehow really want to sleep with you and force you and my self-esteem is so high because I clearly enjoy feeling unwanted" ah, no. For that reason, while I’m not against bondage I don’t care for it either, to me the context is that the person maybe doesn’t even want it but can’t help but be tied up, I know it’s a dumb game and the person wants it, but that’s what it means to me.

Because of the stuff that I'm into some situations and things other than her thrill me, but I can't look at women in the way most men do, I can't look at women and body parts and feel turned on because I’m looking at them. So the answer is yes, other things turn me on but it’s complicated and I tried to elaborate without being disgusting but I’m always so specific. I even had to look at this for a while after I wrote it and decide if it was appropriate or not, I feel like it is.

Running is really easy to explain though, I just enjoy it. I spend a lot of time online so I know I have to exercise, I'm not into socializing so I don't need anyone else in order to run, I also know it's great if you want to be in shape, for your heart, most sports use it for their training, they even use running as punishment. One day I started running and I liked it, I was about 16.

I also love music and somehow dancing makes me tired even if I enjoy it, but running doesn't, I very rarely can listen to music while I'm not doing something, because of my anxiety, it makes me want to move, I can just listen to a song or two or if I’m really in the mood. So when I run I can listen to music, I don't even enjoy running by itself without the music.

And I enjoy being fast, but I can't tell why, just that, what's not to like about being fast, it’s not a bad thing. But I don't think of being faster, of what to do to be faster, I don't care.

I also enjoy walking but I rarely do it, it feels like wasting time because for some reason I always feel like the day doesn't have enough hours, and I already love wasting time. I find a lot of things boring but I’ve never actually felt bored, I don’t know what it feels like even if I often see people complaining about being bored. I know that a character is boring because I don’t find him interesting at all and I don’t care for him, and it annoys me to be forced to read about him, I want him gone, but I can’t understand boredom as a feeling.

As soon as I stop enjoying something I start doing something else, and there are always so many things that I want to do. If I’m somehow forced to keep doing it then my mind starts to wander so I’m still entertained. I would rather take that time for running since I don't feel like walking can do that much for me. If I could have all the time in the world then I would walk more often.

Ah, I also forgot, that I have some condition that makes me need to sweat once a day and running helps me with that, but I started running way before I got this. Now I'll have to explain it. It's called Cholinergic Urticaria. I'm lucky enough that I don't get any hives or rashes, but a lot of people get that, probably most people. My skin looks completely normal but I feel like I'm burning, there's not really a good explanation of why you suddenly get it and why it suddenly gets cured, they say that it usually lasts 7 years, I've probably had it for about that long but to be honest with you, I doubt it will ever go away.

My body used to be normal before I got this, I'm still normal, no one can tell I have it if I don't want them to know, not that this is a secret, I just have no one to tell. So every case is different, the people that get hives usually have them for some hours and then they disappear completely. The only change I experience when it comes to my skin, is that I used to be as pale as you are even if I’m not a white person, doctors would ask me if I was sick but my mom would immediately say I didn't get enough sun and they would dismiss it. After I got this, now I look sort of tanned, and I know it was this, because I used to be that pale even when I went to school and spent all day outdoors.  

Also, if I spend some weeks without sweating I could suddenly stop sweating. When I first developed this thing, I couldn't sweat, just my forehead and armpits, but I wouldn’t even sweat a drop or two, you couldn’t even tell I was sweating, I would only feel it. It was really dangerous of course and I would get a headache and feel like puking whenever I exercised because my body was too hot, I would feel like that for about an hour after I finished exercising, during those days I couldn’t run because I would have been even hotter, I could only walk fast, running would have been too much.

I kept sweating each day and it eventually got to where I sweat like a normal person if they don't know I have it, but I truly don't, my hands never sweat no matter what, and a lot of random parts of my skin stay completely dry no matter how much I run, probably 60% of my body still stays dry. My chest and my back, my whole head, it can get just as wet, so no one could tell, other than looking at my hands, as it is it’s not dangerous, but it could become dangerous if I got lazy.

So, whenever it's cold I actually have to exercise whether I want it or not, sometimes I would rather just stay in bed and I'm sleepy, but I have to, both to avoid the pain and to keep sweating.

The pain is actually caused by the heat, but the more I expose myself to the heat the less it hurts, so during Summer now I don’t even notice it, but during the cold days it hurts really bad because my body isn’t used to it. I read some explanation, the pain happens because histamine is being released in the body by the heat, so I think that as long as you keep getting hot you keep releasing histamine, and you don’t have that much. But when you are cold you are not releasing it or something so that’s why when you suddenly get hot it hurts like hell. I can’t swear this is what happens, I just read it and it made sense, in a forum about this condition that maybe doesn’t even exist anymore.

I stopped researching it as soon as I learned how to manage the pain and how to sweat again, my doctor wasn’t any help, he told me to exercise with a fan, which was actually a terrible idea and the last thing I should do, but it wasn’t his fault, a lot of doctors don’t even know about this condition, at least he was aware of it, I diagnosed it myself and went to see him already knowing there was no cure. The pain was so terrible whenever I was exercising or whenever my body suddenly got hot, I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I thought I was probably dying, that something was bad with my vital organs, but actually, it’s harmless, nothing is wrong with my health, well, maybe 1% can die because of it because it works like an allergy, some people have their tongues or their throats swelling up whenever they get hot, so they can asphyxiate, you can go into anaphylactic shock with this, but that’s really rare.

For some reason it’s not considered an allergy, but they even give you the same pills that they give people with allergies, I don't use any pills because I don't need them. I found this solution by myself but thanks to people that shared their experiences online, after reading a lot I kept finding people saying that the more you exposed yourself to the heat the less it would hurt each time and the more you would sweat. Some people can't because they still keep feeling the pain no matter how much they try to get used to the heat or because they never manage to sweat no matter how hard they try, so it’s pointless and dangerous and they have to be careful. I'm lucky so this works for me, nothing happens if I get too hot, at least for now, and it’s been so many years.

During the Summer, I don't need to exercise if I don't want to but I do, because the weather makes me sweat anyway, but that's why I really have to exercise during the Winter, if I skip a single day then it hurts a lot. This is why some people believe that they only experience this condition during Winter, but I think that maybe they have it in Summer too, they just don’t realize it because they rarely feel the pain. But since each case is extremely different, I wouldn’t know.

When it first started I used to scream a lot, the pain was so horrible, it was like I was on fire, it's the histamine, I think some drug addicts also feel it for that reason if they try to quit or something, with heroin I think, but it’s just something I remember, never looked it up.

They describe this as itching, but not really, no, it was painful, it was like needles but they were hot and I felt it all over my skin, my whole body, my head, my scalp, but not just parts, every inch of my skin. I also felt like scratching but it didn’t help, it made it worse because scratching would make my skin even hotter and back then I wasn’t used to the heat, because I kept trying to avoid getting hot to avoid the pain and every episode I would have would get worse. That’s why my doctor’s idea of the fan was stupid, and now the sooner I make my body warm up the sooner it stops.

Sometimes, when it's really cold, I still feel it when I first start heating up, but it lasts for about 5 or 15 minutes and it stops once I start sweating a lot, and the pain is not what it used to be. I don’t know though, I remember that last year it sometimes was awful, when it was extremely cold, but I haven’t felt like screaming since I found the solution when this first started. I only screamed for a month or so, because the pain was still awful and at first I didn’t notice the difference no matter how much I exercised. Then for some years the pain was still awful depending on the weather, just never again to the point of being unable to stop myself from screaming nonstop.

Now it’s just some minutes a day so it’s nothing, maybe this year it won’t be bad. I will find out later, I haven’t ran in two days or so and it’s cold, maybe it’s going away slowly, better each year, I’m so tired right now though and in order to sweat I need to exercise a lot right now because of the weather.

And I'm so used to the pain that it doesn't bother me that much. Maybe I'll get cured eventually, but it’s not a big deal, I never think about it, I just remember not to skip a single day of exercise when the weather is cold.

So, this is the least of my problems, really, I'm just sort of trying to tell the story, and I so don't care about it that I can't do it justice anymore, back when it started it was the worst physical pain I had ever experienced, well it still is since I’ve never been literally on fire.

I read of some people that had had cancer and they said the pain of this was worse, because it really depends on how you manage it and how it works on you, but yeah, like being on fire, obviously not as painful, but similar, that's how I would put it. So I wouldn’t compare it with cancer if you only have to go through it for that terrible month that I had it that bad or so. But I can certainly understand why someone that has to experience that sort of pain for years would rather feel the effects of cancer again instead. This of course assuming that cancer couldn’t kill you and it could only make you feel awful, otherwise, it’s just different, you are sure that you are going to die on top of everything you are going through and maybe you are right. So I never hoped I could have cancer instead of this even at its worst because I hate the idea of dying but whenever I was having an episode I would feel like I wanted someone to shot me so the pain would stop, and you know how badly I want to live forever, I wouldn’t stop to try to get cold enough for the pain to go away though, because I knew that would only set me back, I would keep exercising and screaming, hoping that it would get better some day, it did.

And I read of this one man saying he was married and with kids and often thought about killing himself because he had this. So, the pain would start, when you aren't managing it, let's say you put on a sweatshirt because it’s really cold, you would get it, let's say you cry, you would get it, let's say you jump ten times, you would get it, if you suddenly get hot in the sun, if you suddenly got angry, sometimes because you were laughing or felt excited, stuff like that, anything that would make your body a bit hot, the change of temperature, and also anything that increased your heart beat because it made your body hot too. I understood why that man said that, I hope he learned how to manage this too or that he suddenly got cured.

I don’t hope to get cured because I have read that some people got this, and then it suddenly went away for some years only to come back again and the second time they couldn’t sweat no matter what or something. I don’t know if it would be that painful again at first for a month or so, like when I felt like I was burning, even if I kept exercising through the pain. Because I remember that when I first got it and didn’t even know what caused the pain, I was already running most days anyway just because I liked it, and the pain kept getting gradually worse and I also started sweating less and less, somehow got to the point where it hurt so bad that I realized it was the heat that was causing it, and the whole story you know. That one part doesn’t make sense anyway because running cured it too. So I would rather it stays here if it’s going to come back anyway.

Also for a week or so, I thought I was allergic to my sweat, since I would feel the pain while I was sweating, but no, it was the heat, I noticed once my body could barely sweat, that I still felt it. I also suspected that my sweat was trapped and that it was what was hurting me, but I eventually found stuff on the internet and knew what it was called.

So, the really painful part actually lasted for about three months, because I sort of spent two months researching it and avoiding the heat, but I would of course eventually get hot no matter what most days since the less I exercised the sooner I would get tired and feel hot and get some awful episode, and then another month, once I finally knew the solution, because that’s sort of how long it took for it to stop hurting that bad when I first started exercising again as I’ve already told you.

That was also when I realized that a god with an eternal hell would be evil, you would never make someone burn forever, only as much as they deserved it, or also, you wouldn't burn them at all too maybe no matter how much they deserved it, certainly not forever.

So, anyway, as I said, now even at its worst (three or four months a year) I only feel it at most less than twenty minutes total a day if I get two or three unwanted episodes at random times, and all I do is go stiff and say I’m feeling it, to state I’m irritated and have no patience at that moment, and the pain is just really uncomfortable but I never dread feeling it, I never worry about it anymore, it’s okay, and that’s why it took me so long to mention it. And I only did because I remembered it’s also why I have to run daily when it’s cold and you asked me about running. I don’t think I would have talked about this otherwise since I knew how long it would make a letter.

No, I truly can't say I have any other aspiration, it's just eternal life. But if I could have a lot of money I would try to help every single animal that I could, and if I had even more money then people, but animals first, so something I would enjoy is using a lot of money to help everyone, it's not something that I dream of, but something that comes up to my head when they ask me what would be nice. I would also enjoy making the world a safer place for everyone. And being indestructible, which is sort of similar to eternal life, I guess.

I'm jut satisfied when it comes to what the world offers me other than when it comes to love, so much that I could only come up with unrealistic dreams and not things you can actually try to achieve. I just can't help but see a lot of aspirations as dull and I only care about doing whatever I enjoy. It's not about conformism in my case. I don't see the point and I couldn't if I tried. I already have what I want.

So if someone truly wants to become a famous musician of something, I think that’s what he should do. But I don’t think people should aspire just for the sake of aspiring, just because everyone is fed since their birth that they should always want more or that they are losers. I’m only ambitious when it comes to love and enjoying myself, that sort of stuff, and about doing whatever I want, I would hate being forced to do things that I don’t want to do.

My favorite book is A Feast for Crows because since I haven't even read 200 books, though I have told you I spend a lot of time reading, I wouldn't know what, even if I can't care for Jaime and Cersei anymore because he will likely murder her I don't really have another option that I like as much and I probably would if I had read over a thousand books. I used to have like ten favorite books but I'm currently not feeling them that much, so I feel like that's the only answer right now, just because of Jaime and Cersei though, not because of the book as a whole, there's nothing wrong with it either but it wouldn’t be my favorite book ever without their love story. 

For some reason I can't say A Storm of Swords is second place then, it would make sense, but there's this part of my brain that forces me to see the parts about their love from that book as a part of A Feast for Crows, so maybe my current favorite book is all of Jaime and Cersei in A Song of Ice and Fire but I insist on calling it A Feast for Crows somehow.

I also came up with the title A Feast for Porgs since they are birds but probably other people have. I looked it up right now and there’s this guy that made a weird thing where he lists fake Star Wars movies using titles from A Song of Ice and Fire. It’s stupid but whenever I think of “A Feast for Crows” my mind almost immediately follows with “A feast for Porgs” ever since I met the porgs.

It will obviously stop being my favorite if he does something stupid so then I guess I will know which one is my new favorite book, I also haven't read anything from the books since 2016 or so, just random quotes.

[hereitalkonandon]

I have new neighbors, the only time they stop making noises is when they aren’t home. I need to move soon. If this letter looks extremely stupid is because I can’t concentrate.

I wouldn't say I would rather die than tell a lie, but I don't really lie. If it was actually either telling some lie or dying it would depend on the lie, I can think of a lot of lies where it would feel like the right thing is dying rather than telling them but since I haven't been there I don't know if I would have the strength to do the right thing even if I wanted to.

If I could know for sure that I would choose dying, I would still find it too hard to judge someone for telling some terrible lie in order to survive. It's just that obviously that wasn't this person's case, what he did was disgusting.

And now that I think about it, I'm almost sure that I would lie, I feel like it's my obligation to stay alive for the people that love me and for my dog, that I should put them first, even if that means getting someone else in trouble, that I should avoid their suffering by surviving no matter what. I've always thought that love should come first. 

My mom lies to get out of trouble, she lies all the time, stupid lies, unnecessarily, I find that behavior so shameful, but I don't think it's something that bad. I just don't understand why people do that. If I do something, I don't care if it will get me in trouble, if I did it it's because I thought it was worth the risk, so I won't lie when I get caught.

It's also because I'm shameless, if I do something I don't care who knows it. I'm not afraid either, sometimes people use that as an excuse, my mom doesn't, she isn't afraid when she lies, she does it anyway. This reminds me of when she accidentally dated some drug dealer without knowing what he was, she was right to lie to him.

I was only worried about someone sending you really awful messages, something disgusting, because even if you are not famous, I'm sure that whether you know it or not enough men have liked you, and men tend to be extremely bitter when they aren't liked back, sometimes even if that woman doesn't even know them. So he could pretend he hates you because of something you said about anything at all, even pretend he is a girl, just to make you feel bad, as if you could feel bad over that, but it works with some people, they feel bad about insults.

And also because once in a while people send you stupid anons whenever you say something they find problematic. Like how they annoy you saying Cleopatra was black, so that maybe some dumb person could end up holding some grudge over a single comment or whatever.

I obviously have no reason to want to insult you, but yeah it was just that thing about telling you I had already been involved in something like that which would make a lot of people ask themselves why I would even bother to bring it up if I was planning on eventually doing it, but then people are sick so maybe I enjoyed it or whatever so that would be exactly why I was bringing it up in the first place, or maybe I was bringing it up myself so I wouldn’t look suspicious if I did it and you could think that’s exactly why I mentioned it in the first place and I would end up looking even more suspicious. But anyway, I had already mentioned a murder and you didn’t just ignore that comment when I did so I had to elaborate.

Like this meme I saw once, a naked man put some stuff in the freezer and then he waited until it was ice and used it to murder people instead of just using a knife. That sort of messed up thing. But I get what you said, that you wouldn’t immediately assume it’s me because of the story I told you, and I’m glad.

But I wasn’t worried about something like a song they send you on anon or some cheesy message because even if that's so not who I am it wouldn't be a horrible thing to be accused of.

This reminds me though, of this one message that I didn't send but whenever I remember it I feel embarrassed for him, I'm almost sure that it was a guy, you probably don't remember it, but I do because he said something about being a hopeless romantic, and out of nowhere he starts talking about his castle and books and hitting on you and it's funny because I never forgot because I'm an idiot and I felt bad for him.

I know he was an anon and so he didn't care I guess but I would feel so bad if I embarrassed myself even if I was an anon and that person would never know who I was. I asked myself why anyone would say something that embarrassing. I often feel bad for other people when they are doing something that I find embarrassing. Maybe it's because I'm this proud.

The kind of "lie" that I tell, is feeling rude if I stop writing to that one guy that I've told you about in other letters, and pretending I enjoy it, not that I've ever told him that I do, but I assume it's a given since I don't say I don't want to do it. I hate being unnecessarily rude. 

Other than that I'm so not into white lies. I would hate it if someone did that to me, maybe because it has to do with embarrassment, I would think it's demeaning even if I would understand they meant well. So that's why I don't do it to other people even when I'm aware that they are the sort of person that would rather a white lie than what I am about to say, it doesn’t feel right.

I've probably read less than twenty manga and watched less than ten anime, (and it was enough to realize that the manga is almost always better, as it usually happens with books and movies) and I read Death Note.

I enjoyed it but since I've always mainly cared about the characters in a story, I was never a fan because while I didn't dislike most of them and it was a great plot I also didn't love any character either, but I always had the feeling that Matsuda was supposed to do something and I was right.

They can make a book about two characters trapped in a room, no furniture, nothing, they never get to leave the room before the book ends, and it could be my favorite book if I loved the characters.

This is why I never watch movies, I think that no matter how hard they try, I'm not able to see that much depth in a character or know enough about them because I will probably only care about one character anyway and it won’t be the protagonist.

I don't like to have to fill in the blanks, I want the writer of the character to give me as much information as he can. I feel like it doesn't happen too often with movies since they have to focus on the plot and tell it in two hours or so.

I know there are great characters in movies but I don't have the patience to watch movie after movie looking for that. So that's why I love TV Shows and movies that have many episodes, I don't find that problem. Then, I could love a character in a movie, and what for, all I'll ever have of that character are the few minutes he gets to appear. 

I hated Light but because he was terrible at it, at first he had the right idea, I just didn't like his personality so even then I wasn't into him.

I live in what is often considered one of the five most violent cities in the whole world. Women have it terrible everywhere, but here, I don't think I'd ever leave my house if I were a girl.

I know of this man, I didn't love him, but I knew him since I was a little boy, I kept seeing him until I was a teen, one night he was driving his taxi, minding his business, two drug dealers accidentally killed him because they were fighting, they shot him in the head, he didn't owe them a thing, he was such a kind man. I can't tell you if he had principles or not, but he always tried to help others and I never once saw him being rude, people were often taking advantage of him.

His murderers are obviously out there, selling drugs, alive, they were wrong and nothing happened to them, but he has been dead for years because of them, for no other reason.

Between six and ten people are murdered here each day, most of the dead ones are just criminals murdered by others criminals, and I'm glad. But some aren't criminals and that makes me so angry. I wouldn’t care about people selling drugs if they didn’t hurt innocent people. If someone wants to become a drug addict I don’t think the person selling him the drugs is responsible as long as the costumer isn’t underage. But I still dislike all drug dealers because it’s their fault this business keeps going and so many innocent people end up dying because of it.

If I could leave this place, I wouldn't do it because I want to chase some dreams like a lot of people do in other countries or because I find it boring, I would do it because I don't want to be murdered just because I was born here. Because my odds of dying are so much higher just because this place is filled with criminals, I was unlucky enough to be born in this city.

Most people I know have had guns or knives pointed at them at least once. My mom has had a knife held against her and an arm around her throat. And she has been around while they were shooting.

I never feel safe, because when they shoot each other, bullets get inside your house or inside your car, hundreds of bullets sometimes, and they don’t care if they take you with them though you have nothing to do with their business, so I don’t care if they rot, I want them to.

They often shoot you before they even ask you for your money, before they even give you the chance to say yes, they take it from your corpse, they shoot you to take your car. They take your organs, they steal women so they can force them into prostitution, they steal children so they can fill their dead bodies with drugs and pretend they are just sleeping, or sell them alive to men that are into that.

I don't owe them a thing, and I can never feel safe inside my own house because of them. So yes you could say I loathe criminals and I want them dead and I know my reason is more than good enough.

That said, I'm well aware that some criminals would never intentionally hurt someone else. But they have no problem accidentally hurting other people, and they wouldn't be in that situation in the first place if they weren't criminals, so it's still their fault that decent people and up being shot, caught in the middle of their stupidity. That’s why I believe their lives are worthless.

And I don’t care about god’s opinion because of my beliefs if he is out there because he is surely not worrying about this city. Since you keep bringing up not being a god whenever it comes to punishment. God is clearly not the one having to put up with the criminals so if someone doesn’t have any authority to decide what to do with them, to me that would be a god.

But I wasn't really talking about cleansing the world of criminals, just of murdering that one guy because I wanted to forgive my girlfriend and he did something bad enough to make me feel fine about killing him. He did it to me, not to someone else. He messed with me so I made it my business. Cleansing the world was just a nice bonus. I only talked about the other stuff since you said I reminded you of that character.

So, if Light had actually researched every single man that he murdered, and was completely sure that he deserved to die, I would have had no problem with him. And I would love anyone that made my city even 50% less dangerous, as long as he wasn't raping someone to achieve it, or something really wrong. 

A huge problem with that character, was the fact that he didn't care about murdering innocent people for the greater good, that made him almost as bad as the criminals that he was killing, I said almost because the criminals weren't doing that much for the world and at least he was keeping average people safe. It was his own fault that they started to suspect him, so he had no excuse to murder them just because he was afraid of being caught, so I started hating him as soon as he started murdering innocent people, but as I said, I never actually cared for him.

If someone kills his daughter's rapist, then he won't be as bad as the rapist assuming he hasn't raped anyone or done something similar. So I've never bought it when someone says you would be just as bad murdering someone for whatever it is that they did. He wouldn't need to believe he is god to decide that the man deserved to die, so just because you say I think I have the power of some god because I decided that the person who wronged me deserved to die it doesn't mean is true, that's just the way you have of putting it.

The same goes for saying "I feel that no one in the entire world can play god like that with somebody else's life", you feel that, I don't. I think a lot of people could and should. Being obsessed with romantic love, I couldn't care less though because it’s not like I can bring justice to this world so I no longer worry about it and it's just for the sake of this letter that I keep talking about it.

I have no doubt that it's clear to you that I felt pretty proud and pleased with myself when I said that he is only alive today because I let him and I'm quoting you, but I never said that. I'm not ashamed of it, I didn't write it because of that, he is nothing to me, whether he is dead or alive, there's nothing about it that could make me proud or pleased, I was only stating a fact, saying that he wasn't as clever as he thought he was. That he was only alive because of my girlfriend's decision and that it was because of his stupid choices that he almost ended up dead.

When I said I was proud of everything going on inside my head at the end of the letter, I just meant that I am proud of feeling okay with all my choices, with my thoughts, about feeling like I always do what seems the right thing to me, that I've nothing to be ashamed of because whenever I do something is because deep down I truly believe is the right thing and my guess is as good as anyone else’s. That there are people that do things that deep down they feel are wrong but they do them anyway and I never do that.

I know there are a lot of people that could even get off feeling like they have control over someone's life like you thought I was doing, no thanks, same as with revenge, it does nothing for me, I couldn't care less about that. It would never make me feel powerful. Who is that coward for me to feel anything because he gets to breathe or because he doesn’t. His life would need to mean something and it doesn’t.

When you say that all he did was "accuse me without any proof", every crime could be simplified like that too. And then, If you take some sugar from an innocent man, and you are somehow completely sure that he will die if you do, and you take it anyway, you are just taking some sugar, but what you did was actually terrible if they tell the whole story. When you talk about someone doing something evil, things are never that simple and it doesn't feel right to simplify what he did, the devil is in the details. All he did was lie too, and that doesn't mean I think people deserve to die for lying.

Most people would say that killing someone in self-defense is fine, I believe that too. But I could say "you can't go around taking people's lives because your own personal moral compass allows it" just like you did, that's your quote. And they could answer me "But, what is wrong with you, I was defending myself." "No, no, no, no, who says it was okay? Really, tell, me, who gives you the right to decide your life is more important than his? Oh, the police? No, they are men, like you and me, why are they superior? Why? They are not gods. I don't agree with you, your belief is as valuable as mine, and you were wrong to defend yourself, you should have allowed him to kill you instead. What makes you so sure that he deserved to die?" 

No, of course I wasn't defending my own life when I thought of murdering him, I'm not mentioning it in that context. The reason I bring this up is your quote. Everything that you are telling me that is wrong is because of your own moral compass. Everything the law tells us is wrong is because of the moral compasses of other men. I fail to see why I should follow someone else's moral compass. You can't even talk about democracy here. What democracy? No one asked me when they came up with those rules, so I don't owe them anything.

I told you from the start, that I knew I was right and that I would still know I am right, and that it's clearly wrong for you, and that you are entitled to your opinion. So when you keep telling me why it's wrong, I don't agree with you. And you will never agree with me, there's nothing I can say that would change your mind, but I don't want to change it. And I'm not saying you want to change my mind just that I feel the same way I did before reading your letter.

We don't see things in the same way, it's like telling me why I should like your favorite color better than mine. It doesn't matter how many things you tell me or how much sense you think it makes, it won't make sense to me, just as what I say won't make sense to you. I’ve already told you that he wronged me, and it was something sacred, you don’t play with rape, that’s what makes me so sure that he deserved to die. It’s not fair to you but it’s fair to me, because I feel it, just because of that. But it’s always good to know your thoughts.

I didn't mean it's literally rape even I could have written "it's literally rape", what I meant is that to me it's 99% as bad as rape and it’s still sexual abuse. So why should it be 100% as bad as rape for that to be a valid a point. And the point being, yes, he didn't tell just any lie about me, he said I kept threatening to do something 99% as bad as rape, there, you have this really specific thing now. 

Well, you say "you can't force that system upon others" when you talk about me deciding to punish that man for what he did, even if that wasn’t the actual reason I wanted to do it but I don’t have to keep repeating that, it’s the reason I thought he deserved it anyway. But why should he force his system upon me and why should you force yours?

So, to you, murdering someone is one of the worst things you can do to them. Let's suppose that it works like that for him too. But let's say that if he had murdered me, to me that would be nothing (it wouldn’t), but that to me, being repeatedly falsely accused of 99% raping the person that I've loved the most for half my life was the worst thing that could be done to me. Why should you and him get to decide that "it's not that bad, big deal, he lied and it's terrible, but it's only this amount of bad, because I say so." But then suddenly you have the authority to say "But murdering someone no matter what they did is awful, I'm entirely sure, because we are not god." That's what doesn't make sense to me, that's all I see while reading that.

You keep saying deciding who lives and who dies is pretending you are above everyone else like some god. I didn't, I just pretended I was above him because he wronged me and I didn’t, he owed me. And I am ignoring what society says is right because he affected me, not them, my business. He was messing with an innocent person, when I was messing with him he wasn’t innocent anymore.

I could just as well claim that to me deciding who gets to live dead inside is playing god too. If my ex-girlfriend had spent her whole life believing that I was truly capable of doing what he said, 99% raping her, he would have killed me inside, he would have shaped my whole life. Maybe he would have killed her inside too. Maybe she would have lost her trust on other people for the rest of her life.

And he didn’t murder us, but he couldn’t possible know what was going to happen. What if my ex-girlfriend had a brother that loved her so much, he beat me up until he killed me, thinking I wanted to hurt his sister like that? It would be because of that coward’s lie even if I was innocent. He didn’t care about the consequences. He just decided to play god with our lives, then. But once again, the difference is I didn’t owe him anything, and when I decided to play god as you call it, he already owed me something.

So you see? For every little thing you could tell me about why I am so wrong, I have something to answer to you that you won't agree with. So you can go and on if you want to, and you have the right to, but I'll never see it like you see it. I change my mind, I just don't do it often because I rarely feel wrong. I don't think you are wrong because you have your own moral compass but I feel like you believe I can’t have mine. That you act as if your own moral compass was somehow given to you by some god but that mine is wrong.

I respect that he had his own moral compass too and that to him it wasn’t a big deal, but I have mine, and he messed with me. I didn't suddenly show up to his house out of nowhere and started trying to hurt him and imparting justice, I was minding my business and he decided he should say something despicable about me because he could.

I wasn't being presumptuous and it's the only reason I said I didn't think I was, but I am extremely arrogant, I've always been. I just try hard not to be rude to others and I hope I often succeed, luckily I don't get to interact with others that much, but I feel like I manage.

I wasn't talking about memories or having history, you can eventually build that with anyone. I've never met a woman like you before, so I doubt they are out there asking to be with your ex-boyfriend right now even if he meets more in the future, not being a social person has nothing to do with it, I just know it, I never came across someone like that before, and I'm already 28.

Yes, maybe he will meet a woman like you, but maybe he doesn't need to, maybe his taste isn't that good and what will make him extremely happy will be whatever he finds, that doesn't make you any less special.

There are billions of people out there but what's the use, all I see is the same thing all over and over and over, so they aren't that likely to find those people either, but I repeat, not that they even need to. That's what I said about my ex-girlfriend too, that maybe she will be happier with someone else, I never said she wouldn't, like you said in your question.

I didn’t mean I was giving her anything she couldn’t eventually find somewhere else. I said I was rare enough that she wasn't likely to meet a man like me twice and that I wasn't going to risk her future over that coward. What if her life wasn't better without me? I can't know that, I could have done something about it back then and try to make sure that her future wouldn't be awful, even if she wasn't that happy with me, at least I would always love her and be there for her. I couldn’t be sure she was going to find someone to be with her forever and she clearly wasn’t happy by herself. Case in point, her current boyfriend who cheated on her, and she believes he probably keeps doing it. And that she is the type of person that could never be satisfied with an average person, you believe you could do that eventually, but she wasn’t like that, she just hates being alone. Maybe she is that type of person now, I wouldn’t know.

You tell me that we are so replaceable but I don't believe that, if I loved a thousand dogs just the same, no dog would be a replacement for another dog, and the same goes for people. We are beings with feelings and not cars. They can like someone better but it still wouldn’t mean they are replacing you.

And you tell me you can't side with me because she left because I was always thinking about my jealousy and she wasn’t happy about it but I've always told you she left because of that so I don’t disagree, she didn't have to sleep with someone and then try to come back though. I can't respect running away to sleep with someone a day after breaking up with your boyfriend that you still love, I hate impulsiveness, she was a really impulsive plant, if she had waited for a while she would have been able to come back and maybe she would rather be with me anyway even if she wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy either but I wasn’t miserable like I ended up feeling without her, I can't know that, and she can't either because she made a stupid choice, not waiting until she was sure of what she wanted, whether it ends up being better for her in the end or not.

I don't think she left because she remembered how toxic everything was when I told her I wanted to murder him, like you think could be the case, I think it's more probable that she ended the call because she didn't want me to murder him. But it’s too likely that she doesn’t come back because of my jealousy.

Sadly by now it could also mean that if she wants me back, maybe it's only because she changed her mind about me and she hasn't met anyone that's interesting enough and that at the same time could love her as much, that she is well aware there are so many men better than me out there (I don't believe this, but there's no reason she couldn't believe it) but that she can't be with them or that she hasn't met them yet. This reminds me of when she told me she wanted to meet more people, when we talked this January, maybe she was being serious. Well if that's the sort of love she feels for me then it wouldn't mean anything to me, it would be pointless.

I left this quote here "The answer is probably no, but they’ll very likely be loved better, and healthier. and non-toxic people will always choose the latter one." because I agree with you, that's even what she said she wanted and that she knew no one would love her as much but didn’t care. I can't respect them for doing that, but it's probably the truth, except "better", to me when it comes to love, more is always better.

It's not that I don't care, whenever I say I don't care I just mean it doesn't matter to me, I laughed after I wrote that because I realized I had just said the same thing, I meant it doesn't change how I feel, not that I don't like knowing what people think.

[hereitalkonandon]

I wasn’t angry when I read your letter or while writing this, almost immediately after reading yours.

I just kept trying to show you that I meant what I said, so I kept repeating that, and I’m sorry to make it this long but then you would need to be in denial if after reading this you still believe I wouldn’t, and I know you’ve no reason to be in denial, and so you’ll believe me.

The only reason I didn't want to share it as soon as I told you about my ex-girlfriend, I think the second letter, was just what I said about you ever getting some weird thing out of some sort of made up account/anon and blaming me for it since I had already been falsely accused of sending things from a fake account, and this account itself was just made to speak to you, knowing my luck, and I really can't stress the part about "knowing my luck" enough, I felt like I would be asking for something to happen to me. I didn’t have any other factors like length or being judged because of the actual story.

I had never been afraid of this sort of thing before, I was understandably traumatized by what was done to me. How anyone can just claim you did something, or pretend to be you. This is also why (other than feeling odd) as soon as I made this account I told you I would never send you another anon ever again and I haven’t, so you knew whatever I said would only come from this account, not that you would have any proof but knowing that I told you made me feel like I did my part anyway.

I didn't care at all about him saying I was threatening to beat him up, that was just a part of the story and to try to show you who I know he was, I wouldn’t know who he is now.

It made me angry because I always get angry when people tell lies about me (not that this ever happens), but it wasn't a big deal. If anything it also made me angry because I would never try to force her to stay with me, that’s demeaning, if someone is with me that person should want to be with me and that’s it.

She knew it too, whenever I thought she loved someone better (not even that she didn’t love me) I would dump her too, until I believed I was her first choice, and that would take a day or two because I’m an idiot, probably.

I also dumped her once because she said she loved every person in her family over me, and I’m childish enough to not be okay with it, so I told her it was obviously okay but that it made me uncomfortable and that I didn’t want to be with her anymore.

I stopped all contact with her and didn’t try to make her change her mind since that’s stupid, she loved the people she loved, but she kept calling and insisting for three days or so, that I was being unfair and stupid, but I was always firm whenever she did and said it was over, and she ended up lying to me and saying I was the person she loved the most, I said it was a lie because she had been saying otherwise during days, she answered that she had realized she loved me the most during those days.

I mean, we know she was lying now and only did so because she grew desperate once she realized I wouldn’t get back with her no matter what, but when it comes to romantic love, I think we also know that I am often stupid. I believed her. I also know that what I was doing was unhealthy and wrong, but I don’t care, everyone has the right to have unrealistic expectations, and she was wrong to lie to me just so I would come back instead of accepting I was a child and being honest with me and letting me go. 

I judge your ex-boyfriend for walking away but he didn��t do it because he felt you didn’t love him enough to match his impossible true love standards. I currently wouldn’t care if she loved people over me as long as it wasn’t romantic love towards another man, but I still wouldn’t be happy about it.

So yeah, she even knew that making her come back for anything other than her own choice really didn’t add up and I told her so. And that she knew that making the other guy look bad so she would come back didn’t make sense either, because it would only mean she’s back because the other person was awful, not because she thought I was better than all the other men.

If they say you want to beat a guy up because he hits on your girlfriend and tries to sleep with her, to me it's not a terrible thing to be accused of even if it were a lie and you never threatened the guy in the first place. I would never do that because if your girlfriend wants to sleep with him, beating him up won't change that fact, but I also wouldn't judge another man for wanting to do that.

The moment a man is messing with you if you don’t owe him anything he deserves whatever he gets in my opinion, he is well aware he is doing something awful to you, something that would likely make him enraged too if someone else was doing it to him. But that's just how awful most people are, they can do whatever they want and not be that bad, but people doing it to them are immediately monsters.

I've always hated people that murder/hurt their partner over anything and over cheating too. If you loved them that much you would never want to hurt them. The people they cheat on you with, that’s another story. But as I said, it’s not for me, I don't see it that way, there's nothing to accomplish by murdering them or punishing them, just wasting your time.

I even started my only message to that guy with "I won't tell you I'll beat you up or anything, because if she didn't want to play your stupid games she wouldn't but", that was of course before he lied about me or anything, we never spoke again.

Yes, it was so I didn't have to compromise my pride, there was nothing else to be gained from it. I never wanted to do it because of my reputation, my girlfriend didn't tell anyone about it, as far as I know, but even if she had, I didn't care, I only cared about her believing me. Obviously murdering him wasn't going to change her mind, it wasn't about that. And by the time I talked about killing him she had already realized by herself that he had lied, and that he was likely often lying.

Also, I made a mistake in the other letter, I meant he will never be an astronaut even if he wants to. Not that it changes anything. I noticed a few hours after I published it but I never edit a letter unless I notice the mistake after the first few minutes of publishing it.

And I also made a mistake somewhere, it didn't make sense, what I was trying to say is "that's why I always avoid those sorts of news, the comments make me angry, people are so dumb." To me anything without actual proof but the word of people I don't even know is pointless. So I'd rather not support or attack strangers over the word of another stranger, I think it's the smart thing to do no matter how other people put it.

I know how easy it is for people to lie. Since I had something like that done to me, I would feel like an idiot judging someone because of what someone else says or because of the “but you should ask yourself why that person would make something like that up, you are so stupid” arguments, that’s no proof at all. Why would that coward make something like that up about me? But he did. I just stay out of it.

And this could be true of everyone that you speak to, but everyone you speak to could also murder you since even mothers have murdered their children, so yeah you have to draw the line somewhere and I’m only talking about avoiding news.

My sole reason for murdering him was being able to forgive her, I had no other reason and no other factors. Back then, I didn't know I would ever feel able to forgive just for the sake of forgiveness. But if I could go back, that wouldn't change a thing. If anything, I would do it so I could avoid time going forward, she sleeping with yet more men. If I had forgiven her back then, maybe we would still be together now. But I still wouldn't do it unless she agreed.

I don't hate the other men that she slept with, but I can't like them, not that I want to, I don't have to, I don’t think about them but I would probably be glad if they died just because they slept with her, it doesn’t have to make sense, I can dislike them all I want.

I would never think of hurting them, they did nothing wrong, maybe they could even eat children alive, but I don't know it, and they certainly didn’t do anything to me. They didn't know me and she was no longer my girlfriend so I never had any violent thoughts about them.

But as I've already told you, even if she had cheated on me with that one coward, I wouldn't have wanted to murder him. It's just that the fact that he was capable of accusing me of rape, because that's what it is, when he was well aware that it was a lie, that it was all in his head, that's the thing that allowed me to murder him without feeling bad even if that wasn’t the actual reason I was going to murder him. 

If another man feels entitled to kill a man that is fully aware that the woman has a husband or boyfriend and doesn't care about sleeping with her, I would never judge him, but I repeat I would never do that. According to my principles, doing it myself, it wouldn't be completely wrong, but it also wouldn't be completely right, nothing to be accomplished, so, why bother.

I can't tell you I think a man is less honorable for committing that sort of murder, I would have to know that man's situation and the context to feel like I can judge him. But I feel the need to repeat that a man that hurts his ex-girlfriend is disgusting no matter what and there’s no justification for doing that.

In my case, it only came down to killing just so I could keep both pride and my ex-girlfriend in the end as you put it. You don't agree with me of course, and I knew it from the start, but as I told you, it was ruining his life, or ruining both my girlfriend's life and mine.

The life of a man capable of accusing another one of something so disgusting is worthless. Even if I'm not god, he had wronged me, so that's why I was in a position to judge him. If I ever do something similar to what he did I hope there's someone to put me out of my misery and shoot me but I would need to be literally insane to do that in the first place.

I wasn't going to shoot him though, I thought he deserved the right to fight, not because he actually deserved it, but because of me, it would have felt fair even if I had poisoned him, but it didn’t feel honorable enough.

So intended to sort of fight him with my fists only, and I was supposed to win magically because he had wronged me. Since I'm not an idiot I was well aware that it was very likely that I could end up losing and dying, but I didn't mind, I would have felt like I was doing the right thing, whatever I could to save our relationship which was the most important thing to me anyway.

I was not basically implying that I was well aware of what I was doing back then, when talking about murdering that excuse for a man. I was outright telling you that I was well aware of what I was thinking, just as I am right now, almost four years later.

That's why I don’t see anything admirable about impulsiveness. That’s why I never regret anything, even if I throw tantrums all the time and if I'm extremely hot-tempered, I never act before I think, I'm never rash.

I don't think I've even twenty things that I regret from my past, but one of them is calling my ex-girlfriend names after our break up whenever she called me, even if she did it too, all the time, that's just how we spoke to each other during our relationship. I regret it because it's no longer who I am. Other than that, I can't even think of something else that I regret right now, not just when it comes to her, I can’t come up with anything. 

To me, it's like telling me I should feel guilty (and I'm not saying you are trying to do that, just telling me you don't agree with me) about murdering someone that raped someone. I know that it is in no way the same thing, that I wasn't raped even if the lie he told was about rape. But I tell you this just so you understand how made up my mind is when it comes to that.

If I had won that fight, supposed to happen ten years or so from that day, so it hasn't even happened in that timeline yet. That night I'm sure I would have had no problem falling asleep. Not that it will happen, though. Now it wouldn't accomplish anything. I would never feel any remorse about murdering someone that rotten, and he was rotten.

An interesting fact, though, during the time that I kept checking on him, even from the very first day, of course there were things that made him look like a human, he is one, after all. I would feel pity towards him, for being so disgusting when he clearly had the potential to be an average person from the start, I would feel pain for that decent person trapped inside of him, but don't mistake this for me being hesitant about murdering him.

And after my girlfriend had already slept with other men, when I already knew I would never murder him, I would feel pity towards the version of him that could have died. Not sorry about what I had wanted to do, pity, but never once did I change my mind, I would have done it back then, that was the right thing, I still knew it then, I've always felt it, I probably always will. 

Now, I don't care what you tell me when it comes to this one specific sentence that I'll write next, an average person wouldn't tell such a lie over nothing, an average person sins all the time but they aren't that rotten. I wouldn't tell such a lie, but I know that an average person probably would, it would just take a lot. That's what I meant by " I don't care what you tell me" not that I don't care for your opinion, but that I'm sure of what I wrote and that you saying “most people would do something that bad at least once” wouldn’t make me believe it, I know most people are good enough, despite all the disgusting things they do.

He was a monster, everyone capable of making up that sort of lie about someone innocent is, and I don't care if wanting to murder that monster made me one too in most people's eyes. I wouldn't be one in mine. I no longer want to murder him, as I keep repeating. But not out of regret, not because I think I was wrong. just because he is nothing to me, I don't feel the need to. I wouldn't do it if god himself asked me if I wanted him to drop dead right now.

But I would say yes if god himself told me he will keep telling such lies for the rest of his life, making other people, people that don't owe him anything, feel just like he made me feel. For no reason. He had no reason to make me feel like that. I would do it, I wouldn't need to know more about his current life to make a choice, I would tell god to make him drop dead. The world would be a better place for it. Whereas I’m sure that whatever my shortcomings the world wouldn’t necessarily be a better place without me, I wouldn’t hurt anyone that doesn’t deserve it, unlike him. I would consider erasing that sort of person community service. 

That said, I wouldn't know who he is right now, and I don't care, the man he was back then deserved to die, and that's the man that I'm talking about. That's the man that was scheduled to die ten years from that day, not the man he will be by 2025. Just as a father would want a rapist to die for what he did ten years ago, no matter who he is today.

Something funny about him, though, is that he thought he was so clever, he was that kind of man. So clever that to this day he doesn't even know that the only thing that saved his life was my girlfriend's decision. 

And yes, being murdered doesn't make you an idiot, anyone could end up being murdered for no reason. But messing with someone in the way that he messed with me without knowing a thing about that someone sure makes you an idiot. He was literally asking to be murdered. When he did that, he "cleverly" thought nothing would happen to him, he probably even laughed at me. Nothing happened to him, but not because of his wise choices. Because he was lucky. It wasn’t up to him.

So he is among the most stupid people I've ever known precisely because he thinks himself so smart and ironically he will never know how close he was to dying solely because of his stupid choices, or maybe he will, assuming he is still that person, maybe one day he will mess with the devil and the devil will be stupid too. But if he lives to be a hundred, it will be because I allowed it.

Those were just my thoughts, because I honestly couldn’t care less about whatever happens to him now. That’s the thing about revenge and why I don’t care for it. You are basically saying someone is so important that a big part of your life depends on what happens to them. I could never make someone unworthy be that relevant even if I tried. Even if my girlfriend said I am supposed to want revenge (she didn’t, but I don’t think she ever judged me because of wanting to murder him either), I wouldn’t be able to be that into it. It was never about that.

I know it was my right to murder him because of what he did to me. But if someone even murdered someone over doing what he did to me, if that someone just did it out of justice or something and didn't even care about the two men involved. I would think that person was right to do it.

I personally wouldn't do it, because of a lot of reasons, only because this monster owed me. But I would fail to see anything wrong with it. That's the extent to which I believe making up lies about rape makes you deserve to die. Precisely because rape is such a horrible thing, you have to be among the most rotten of people to dare to play with those sort of things. I don’t even have to explain why it’s rape, I think, but showing the body of a woman against her will, that’s enough for it to be sexual abuse and that’s all I need to know to say that he falsely accused me of rape to the person I loved the most.

My probably former friend, my grandma, and my mom, were well aware of what I wanted to do too, they did nothing to try to change my mind but they were also well aware that my ex-girlfriend had said no and they were probably sure that she wouldn't change her mind and that I wouldn't do it if she didn't say yes, so it's extremely likely that otherwise they would have tried to change my mind, because of my safety if anything.

No, it's not presumptuous of me to think that losing me was such a big deal, since you asked me if it was, she'll never meet a man like me, the odds of finding me twice and of that man wanting to stay with her for the rest of his life and never cheat on her, it could happen but it's nonsense. I'm not expecting you to see me in the way I see myself, but she was well aware of it and that's one thing that I'm sure of, I could even doubt her love. 

And I know most people think exactly what I think, that it's just them, but I see the world and I see who I am, and I've never been into false modesty, so I won't lie to you and pretend I think differently, this is why you can be sure that whenever I say that something I did isn’t very good, like my writing, and I often say that, I mean it.

Since I don't care about looks or about achievements, I'm not someone that would say there are so many men better out there for her because they are handsome or because they are smarter than me, rich, talented, whatever it is most people care about. That's why no one could actually put me down, I'm unable to feel inferior to another man.

Because those things don't matter to me. A lot of specific traits that I have do, and it's so rare to see a man having all of them at the same time, then I'm also the kind of man she likes, because even men that share the same traits can have entirely different characters.

That's the only reason I think she is unlikely to find me twice, not because it can't be done. It can, there's a man that has all the traits that I admire and he is rich and handsome, he is smarter, he is cultured, he is interesting, but even then, it doesn't mean she would be attracted to him. It's complicated. That man still wouldn’t make me feel inferior, though, I am who I am, I am the one inside my head, of course I would still like me better.

I certainly wasn't going to take the risk and leave her future up to fate over forgiving the life of a monster, I could just fix what needed to be fixed. And maybe she doesn't need to meet such a man, and maybe she will be happier.

I can't know that. I do know that after the lie he told, if murdering him would have saved her from even one single day of pain, I would have murdered him then. Yes, she was as guilty of sleeping with him as you said. But I've always said that what made him deserve to die was the lie he told even if I wasn't going to murder him over that lie. So I wasn't being unfair to him while forgiving her. That said, I think you should be unfair when it comes to the people you love, you can't punish them in the same way that you would punish others, most times you shouldn't even punish them.

If I had murdered him in 2025 or so and if my girlfriend ended up cheating on me in 2026 and even trying to murder me, and ended up saying she never actually loved me and I truly believed her, if six years after that day I were with another woman, the love of my life, even then I wouldn't be sorry about murdering him.

Ever since I decided that he deserved to die, four years ago, the actions of other people could never change that fact, so I couldn't feel sorry even if I tried. Knowing he was sincerely sorry would have stopped me, then he would have stopped deserving to die, but it wasn’t my fault if I never found out, he didn’t bother to let me know. But he sure bothered to keep repeating that lie. He sure could take the time to do that.

I would never take something like that lightly even if I came up with that idea in a minute or so. I was clearly completely sure of what I was doing, so much, that I still feel the same now. So when you talk about my conscience after my ex-girlfriend eventually “lived without me and not just survived” as you put it, it would have been as nonexistent as his was when he kept saying I was threatening to rape my ex-girlfriend.

I know she is someone that threw away all we had over a one-night stand as you put it too, you’ve always been respectful of her but, another thing about me is that, even if you weren’t, I wouldn’t mind. I’ve never been bothered by other people talking badly about the ones that I love as long as it’s true. I see that most people are annoyed or angry when others do that, but I never feel anything. Why would I? If something is the truth then it’s the truth. Not that I’m saying you were talking badly about her or that you want to, I just remembered I never told you about this part of me. Whenever my mom was angry, for a year or so after my break up, she would try to make me feel bad by insulting my ex-girlfriend even if she never had anything to do with the actual fight, I would remind her who she was dealing with, so she eventually stopped trying that after seeing that I truly didn’t mind.

She did so many things, never cheated on me as far as I know, and she probably loved me, that I never told you about because, really, what's the point, I just told you the worst things she did, I'm well aware she was very probably not worth it. 

But my point is, even if this was about her, it was also never about her, I don't care about what she did or about what she deserved from me, this was about who I am as a man, and to me, doing whatever I could to save the relationship I had with someone I claimed to love, stop her from suffering, felt like the only right thing to do, I would have thought less of me if I didn’t do it, I would have lost all respect for me.

And I happened to be lucky enough to have the opportunity to forgive her back then, he gave me that opportunity by behaving like such a coward. Most men don't get that opportunity, my ex-girlfriend wouldn't let me use it, of course. You know men are stupid, I couldn't just forgive her. But even now, knowing I did forgive her, I'm not sorry about what I wanted to do. Not in the slightest.

The difference between my ex-girlfriend and your ex-boyfriend is that your ex-boyfriend clearly didn’t care about hurting you when he probably manipulated you for sex, because I'm not sure that's what he did, and then not caring about people judging you and only you and leaving you alone to face that judgment. On top of being the one to dump you, because I would be more understanding of him wanting to have sex with you no matter what if you were the one who walked away. If he did care about your pain and about confusing you and about playing games, using you for sex was clearly more important to him.

That's why I think he is disgusting and not my ex-girlfriend, but I would have forgiven my ex-girlfriend even if she had done everything your ex-boyfriend did as long as I thought that maybe she still loved me, even if I'm not sure of everything he actually did, but I’ve already told you I would have forgiven her if she had stabbed me with a knife. So I can understand why you would see past those things too. I'm just saying they didn't do the same things and that's what I mean when I say he isn't worth it, I have so much contempt for any man that would intentionally keep hurting a woman he once claimed to love, it’s just that. And another difference, is that whatever they did, they aren't worth it, whatever their level of worthiness might be, but you act accordingly and I don't.

To me murder would never be a burden because I would only do it if I felt I had the right to do it, I love animals, and I hate feeling like I'm being unfair so I always try not to be that way, I would die for the people I probably still love, because it's the right thing to do, I never break my word, I always think of doing what feels right to me, my principles. But that's about it. Maybe not feeling bad about murdering him makes me stronger than most people, or weaker, it really doesn't matter to me.

I just know I've never seen the world in the way that most people see it. And I just know that whatever I am, I'm not evil. And I know you weren't calling me evil (just wrong but I know I am not wrong, and I’ll still be right, but I respect that you have another opinion) before this letter, whether you think so before this one or not. But I truly don't care if most people would think I'm evil if they could see inside my brain, if that in turn would make me evil no matter what I believe, all I care about is knowing I never did something that felt wrong according to my principles, to my own thoughts.

But I agree with "it's about losing chances, wasting year after year over somebody who was never worth it and you may realize it when it's too late." How could I disagree with you? No, the murder is out of this, that was the right thing, I'm not talking about it now. But talking about everything else. How could I know if what you are saying is right or wrong? I can't know that.

Maybe I'm an idiot, even if she remembered me every hour of the day for a minute, that would still be too little when compared to the way I've been living my life. I won't tell you I'm right or that I'll never regret living my life around that person. You say that the day I finally leave her behind is the day that my life will start, if I'm interested in living at all. It's just that we can't know that, and I don't know what the right answer is.

Maybe I should call her and ask her to tell me the truth, but I know that even if she said she doesn't love me, I would still be unsure, she has lied before. I know that you could say, she has done enough, that it gives me the right to see what's best for me even if she loves me and even if she ends up feeling sorry and wanting to come back, but I can't see it like that, I can't put myself first when it comes to romantic love.

I was able to put my pride first, but only because my pride has always been a big part of who I am, and also out of love, as I’ve told you, I didn’t feel she loved me enough if she was doing that, what was the point of taking her back then. I certainly wasn’t going to be in a relationship with her if she didn’t love me enough just to stop her suffering no matter how much it was killing me to see her feeling like that because of me. And I even ended up forgiving her, that was all me, she didn't change her behavior. To me that could even mean that my love for her is stronger than my pride, or my sense of owing her something is stronger at least. I’m still turned on by her but that wouldn’t really mean anything, I am 28, and it’s normal that I would be sexually attracted to the only thing I’ve ever known.

So nothing is helping me to take that decision, I don't think there's anything I could do, any way to look at this, that would help me decide what the right thing to do is. I'm talking about getting her out of my head, and my romantic love for her out it too, because I'm well aware I'm likely going to love her as a person after so many years just as she probably loves me too. But what's crippling me is the romantic aspect, I know that. I could ask god, he is the only one that could tell me what I'm supposed to do, but we don't know if he is there, and if he is, he won't answer me and we both know that. But I understand what you are saying. 

I didn't think you were rude when talking about murder, you've never been rude to me. And I'm thankful for your honest opinion, I would hate the thought of you lying to me for the sake of not hurting me or out of politeness. I won't even think you are rude if you think I'm being stupid when it comes to murdering that man. I would feel is rude to try to change my mind when it comes to that one imaginary murder, though, but you are not likely to do that, and even then, I think everyone is free to say whatever they think, and telling me I should change my mind, it would be you sharing your thoughts, so even if it seemed rude I still wouldn't think it's wrong. I'll never change my mind though so it would be pointless.

But what I do want is for you to believe that I was being serious back then, and that I was as serious today when I wrote this letter to you. Don't for a minute think there's any hesitation even now. So whatever you think about me because of this, know it's how I truly feel, and that I'm sure of it. Just as I know I would have forgiven him even a day after he lied if he had bothered to truly feel sorry, but how he felt is not really any of my business since I’ll never know that and since I don’t care, I just talk about what I know, what I feel.

Even if whenever he used some dumb cartoon as his profile picture on Facebook I would feel like crying sometimes or when he would post some meaningful lyrics about life, even now I felt like crying, out of pity for everything good that he was, not once because of what I thought of doing to him, as I’ve already told you.

I'll never be sorry about that. If given the chance to go back and of having my ex-girlfriend say yes, I would always go ahead and make plans for 2025. The only loophole would probably be me getting over her completely and loving someone else, then, I'm confused, that's unlikely. But my romantic love for her is just out of duty at this point, assuming it wasn’t actually true love. And as we both know, it's also about who I am not about who she is. So in that case, I don't have an answer, I would probably think of who is going to have a better life without me or ask to know which relationship is supposed to be true love if it exists.

I agree that my girlfriend acted like the smarter person, but I feel more respect towards my choice, since I always put romantic love first I obviously can't see her choice as something that I admire. 

When you talk about changing my mind, you probably mean about moving on, and if so, I've already talked about it in this letter. It's not really something that I can decide, I don't know what's the right answer, I normally know what I should do. But I'm just lost, and I've been doing it for almost four years now. If I don't know what's the right answer, I feel like I should stick to what I've been doing, because by doing so, I can only hurt myself but not her. But if take the other option, and I'm wrong, I could hurt her. Other than my pride, the main thing about my relationship has always been my ex-girlfriend not suffering.

It's not a thing about you promising that you will stop, multiple times, as you put it. It doesn't bother me. I just think it's a waste of your time. There's really no point in making you write about me having to move on. Other than that never feel like you should stop mentioning it. But what for.

I keep saying it about your ex-boyfriend, but we both know that's the right answer, but if you want me to say something about the things you mention about him just tell me, don't say it's up to me though, in that case, it’s just as I've told you, I don't think it's even worth your time to make you read about him so I would rather not mention him. But I only do it because of that and it wouldn't bother me to write about him either.

So since you said it yourself, that you only wrote about this, that's why I could only write about this in my answer but you can just skip this whole topic if you want if you write another letter. I also want you to know, that I wouldn't be offended if you felt like even if it wouldn't kill you to write to me you now feel less inclined to do so.

You wouldn't even have to think that I am that bad to have no interest now, most people are often thinking about growing and about healthy things, I'm not. I told you I am a really toxic person, and that was true, because of thoughts like that one, and my views on justice, romantic love, not because I hurt others or because I tell lies, I hate those things.

But also, if you feel like still writing to me, don't feel that you have to answer me soon just because of what I said in this letter. I won't automatically think you've stopped just because you take a long time to answer, but I would still understand if you never answered. Whatever you do just never expect me to stop being trash, and by this, I don't mean there's any self-loathing, just that my messed up sense of morality has been there ever since I was a little boy, and I know that if most people could know my thoughts, and how proud I am of them, how I don't feel there's anything that I should be ashamed of, they would call me trash at best. And I would think they are wrong. I wouldn't care.

[hereitalkonandon]

Murder

I didn't actually stop talking to her or anything, she just sort of started doing her own life, and good for her, I was never going to love her back, I knew that, and she didn't want to accept it, I think.

Her self-esteem was so low that maybe just loving her as a friend and giving her as much attention as I could was enough for her, but I never did either of these things. I'm glad that she's out of my life though, because she couldn't help but be mad at me for not loving her back and I was always going to be wrong then, maybe most people able of experiencing one-sided love can't help but be bitter. I strongly suspect I would never feel one-sided love.

Maybe I do now, but it's just what I've told you many times, while I'm still not sure of how she feels, I can't really feel that it's one-sided. So I could never be in my friend's shoes. It would be too obvious. I had no reason to choose my girlfriend other than liking her better, even if my friend somehow fooled herself into thinking I loved her too.

Unlike my situation with my girlfriend. I was extremely jealous during our whole relationship, and she had wanted to leave for years because of it. But I don't remain unsure just because I want to fool myself, it's just that I can't honestly know if she has her reasons for deciding to stay away but still loving me, instead of coming back and repeating the same story when it comes to my jealousy, it's not like I don't have even more reasons now.

So I wouldn't know if my friend also liked me as a person, she was extremely supportive when my dad died and when my ex-girlfriend left and I know that perhaps she was doing it to get something out of it, but maybe by then she was mostly convinced that me ever loving her back wasn't likely.

I do know she was unfair to think I was evil just for not feeling anything towards her. I agree that a normal friend cares for you, but she knew all about it, how my relationship with my ex-girlfriend was probably messing my feelings up and making me different from normal people.

Since you mention manipulation, maybe she tried to manipulate me, it wouldn't be odd, though I honestly think she was sad when she acted like it and I would feel unfair if I didn't say so, I always acted annoyed and she didn't gain anything from it. 

And she never succeeded when it came to playing games. This one time she pretended she was running away from her home and staying with her grandma over a fight with her mom just to see if I would call her worried, she told me herself afterwards. No, that didn't happen. Why would I worry about her staying with her grandma. She would always tell me whenever she did something just to get a reaction from me. 

I spent a lot of hours with her during my relationship but it was only because I felt like it, I love talking even if love being alone, and even if she ignored most of it, since she just kept insisting and insisting whenever I was angry and wouldn't leave me alone anyway, I just kept answering and interacting.

She was well aware too, and it was another thing that bothered her. She would always say that it made her mad and sad that I only put up with her because I loved talking and because she didn't bother me that much, and because I knew I would hurt her if I didn't and since it really wasn’t a big deal why not just talk to her and give her what she wanted. 

Yeah she would always call me a toxic person, and I would say that she was obviously a toxic person too, but she never accepted it, and that what could be more toxic than maintaining a friendship with someone you claimed was so disgusting.

Overall I think she is honestly a great person and a great friend, but her romantic feelings towards me didn't allow her to be fair when it came to judging me, and maybe she never did anything out of friendship. I've never watched American Psycho so I don't know the context of this quote "You're not terribly important to me", but it always made me think of her, not that the situation between us made me laugh or anything. I can see how it was frustrating for her.

Now I've talked way too much about her once again even when she doesn't even matter, so as I said, that's the only reason I avoided talking about her. But I felt like being fair to her and saying that. I just wouldn't know what was actually going on inside her head. So even if I wrote all of that, since she doesn't matter to me, and I feel bad saying that, so maybe just a little bit by now, tiny, and likely not even love but pity, you can just drop this topic if you want, but it also doesn't bother me because I just talk and talk about everything. 

Well you say "the women you have encountered throughout your life" but the actual number is just the three of you, that's funny. Well, other than family, I've talked to enough people and a few girls were my friends at school, I never cared for bullies and also had some awkward/brooding/gay/disabled male friends (the popular kids that weren't bullies were their friends anyway), as in I would eat with them and hang out, but exclusively at school. 

They didn't know much about who I actually was and I was already not into socializing, they thought I was smart and always joking and laughing, they noticed some things made me angry too, but not at them, just that I was that way.

I had a neighbor when I lived with my parents, we were friends for three years or so, the last time I saw her I was six, back when my parents divorced and I moved to my grandma's place. I can't remember our last interaction but it was probably nice, I can't remember a lot about her, just that we were often together. 

I had some of my ex-girlfriend's passwords too until she changed them after some months, so that's how I knew some stuff about our break up too. Whenever she would break up with me for three days or so she never bothered to change them either and that's how I knew what she was up to.

Oh OK, so there's this song I really like called Only The Young by Brandon Flowers, maybe you already know it, I mention it because I was listening to it today while running and it often makes me emotional. Whenever I listen to it, I feel like I'm not among the young, and that I'm doomed, not because of my age, but because I've seen so much even if I'm immature sometimes, but that it would be a hopeful message if I weren't this selfish, that I'd be glad that the young can break away even if I can't and if I don't want to. I would never be the type of person that feels good about others suffering with me because at least I'm not the only one though.

I read what you said about your ex-boyfriend many times but I didn't feel like I should even try to say something about him, not that I had anything important to add, just that whatever thought I had, it didn't feel like it was worth wasting your time with him.

Other than never wanting to be like my father, I never felt any hate towards him when he was alive, and I loved him even after he died, but after a year or so I started to feel a lot of anger towards him precisely because he died, so I can't forgive him because he is dead, the fact that he is dead is what makes me dislike him so much. I know I'll never stop disliking him until he stops doing that. Being dead. I would always rather be angry than sad anyway. Before my ex-girlfriend left I was rarely sad, but I've almost always been angry 24/7.

When I was a kid someone told me of a mother that started beating the corpse of his son up at the funeral because he died because he was a drug dealer and she was always telling him to stop. Since my dad died before my break up I never got to stop loving him but my sadness over him turned into dislike before my girlfriend left, that had nothing to do with her.

I dislike him because he is being stupid by being dead and not alive and I was 22 and too young to not have a father and he was 47 and too young to die. He was a good dad but he was so irresponsible when it came to money, he never once bothered after the divorce, he left everything up to my mom, I judge him for it but I don’t hold it against him, but on top of that he couldn't even manage to stay alive, he couldn't even do that. He had one job, not dying. I would never forgive someone for something they did over them dying though, I don't really see it like that. If I love a person and that person dies then if I loved them I would still love them, but I wouldn't forgive them.

Your boyfriend and your mom are being so dumb. And it's stupid of me to tell you too, because as if you didn't know already, that everything can kill you and that some people just die for whatever reason no matter how healthy they are but you don't intentionally ruin your damn lungs to make it happen faster. And worse because she is your mom, she should try to do everything to live as long as she can to be there for her daughters.

And so should your boyfriend, try to be there for you because he is basic and dull, so he should be thinking he will be with you forever since I doubt he can ask for more out of your relationship, and so he should be thinking that no one could protect you like he can even if you don't need him to, because no one could love you more than he does. 

Yes, I understand that you are just sharing your thoughts and I like knowing them. But I also agree in the sense that you shouldn't gossip about dead people, only judge them because of what you are sure that they actually did, because it's not like they can say if the gossip is true or not. So you also shouldn't tell lies about them either of course, that would be disgusting.

I don't think someone deserves to die because of a lie though, it's because of the lie that this man told my girlfriend. Back when she left, she was 23 and I was 24, she met this man at school, he was 32, she was doing this thing for him that I can't remember what is called, when you have to work for free to gain some points while you are still at school so you can graduate.

The first time they ever talked was through Facebook, he sent her a really creepy message saying "hugs and kisses" and things like that, so unprofessional, telling her how to get to his office and ask for him, and his name. I'm sure they had never met before. That's just how tacky he was. She thought nothing of it but I told her to be careful, it didn't feel right, even if he wasn't that old. She was a student, he was a grown man with a job and all, and she was working for him.

After ten days of knowing him she suddenly told me she didn't love me anymore, but she often liked to do that, so it didn't mean anything, but at the same time, I was often jealous so I also always used to suspect that maybe she liked someone else. She denied it, of course.

I was on her Facebook and she started talking to him, it was obvious that he was hitting on her, he thought she still had a boyfriend, she technically still did, it had been some hours after breaking up with me, so he mentioned something but subtly "oh it's normal for you to be lazy about going out, though, you have a boyfriend" and she just said "no I don't anymore, I dumped him because he was so jealous" and so he said "oh, then let's have a date, to show him", and they kept talking but I don't remember what stupid thing one of them said that made me really angry and I started writing using her account, but saying it was me, of course.

He had the nerve to say (and I'm telling you all of this so you see the kind of coward he was), "I didn't ask her out. I’m not attracted to her. Read before you speak, I said it was for work" that was a lie, he asked her for tea at first, he said it was for work, but he was being flirty, but he also had just asked her out as I've already told you, I didn't even bother answering that, what he had said was just too stupid to bother.

Then he said he didn't like her and he had no intentions of doing anything with her, and that he wasn't going to allow me to tell lies about him, then he said the equivalent of "if you'll excuse me" and "left" the conversation, I was about to say something else and leave too but my girlfriend kicked me out of her account.

So I sent him a single message with my Facebook, telling him that I knew he just wanted to sleep with her and ditch her, but that we had known each other since 2005, and that he was taking advantage of us having problems and maybe ruining her life because I wouldn't be able to forgive her if they did anything sexual together, that she was basically a girl next to him, and that I would leave it up to his "conscience" (he didn't have any). That was the only time I ever talked to that excuse for a man.

From the conversation they were having before my girlfriend changed her password (I then spent months being able to see her messages but not all of them, because notifications would be sent to her email and I still had that password) minutes after I started talking, it was obvious, without a doubt, that he was making her think he wanted a girlfriend, he literally said so even if not directly “what I need is a girlfriend”, and that he wanted something serious with her, he kept bragging without bragging about his last girlfriend breaking up with him because he was always working so much and studying so much and so focused.

I can't read my ex-girlfriend's thoughts, but I'm pretty sure that the only reason she dared to leave me (she wanted to because of my jealousy but never could and never dared to sleep with another man just to make me leave her instead) was because she thought she was about to jump into another relationship with a man that she thought was attractive and maybe worth it.

We spoke that same day because I called her and told her to stop being stupid, it was so obvious to me that they were going to sleep together even if they didn't say it, so I was warning her she would regret it and I would be unable to forgive her, that she knew that, she said a lot of things but also "we don't know what's going to happen anyway, what if I even end up marrying him though?".

Anyway, she ended up disconnecting her phone and turning off her cell phone because I kept trying to call her and warn her not to do it. I never beg, so since she didn't connect her phone or take my call after an hour or so, I stopped trying because then it would count as begging, at first it was just me trying to continue our conversation as I often tried to do whenever she left.

I didn't know anything about her for about three days, until she called me one morning. She asked me if I was threatening the other guy and telling him I was going to beat him up. She was really calm, I told her I wasn't, and I wasn't laughing but my voice even sounded like I wanted to laugh because I couldn't even believe (also, no, this isn't the lie that made me want to murder him yet) that someone that stupid and that cowardly existed.

She was already seeing him or whatever they were doing. What was the point of telling lies about me? Anyway, when I said I wasn't, she also said, that it seemed odd, that she told him I wasn't like that. I asked her if she had already slept with him and she told me she had (lied about the day) and I probably started to yell or something and she probably ended the call because of it, I just remember we didn't talk for long.

After maybe ten minutes she called me again, this time she was really angry, but not just angry, I could hear the hatred too, I didn't know what she wanted, and the first thing she said was. "Oh so you want to burn me" as if I was supposed to understand and just hearing that made me really angry too because I had already figured out it was a new lie. And to me it immediately made sense that anyone who wasn’t an idiot would see that the fact that he came up with something else in a matter of minutes right after the first thing wasn’t very effective was extremely suspicious, but she’s a dumb plant. So she started explaining, not because she didn't believe I didn't know, but for the sake of keeping the conversation going I guess.

She said he told her I had also threatened him saying I would upload pictures/videos (he probably didn't elaborate so that huge stupid girlfriend I used to have would confirm his version and fill in the blanks, he just knew he wouldn't automatically sound like a liar even if those things never existed, he would just claim I told him that knowing he didn't know if we ever did any of that or not) of her naked.

I was so angry, I couldn't understand how someone so monstrous, so gutless, could exist. To this day of course he never made the slightest attempt to talk to me, he didn’t need to. To me it makes no difference, he basically accused me of having raped someone when he was well aware that it couldn’t possible be true.

I had never done anything to that person other than tell him not to take advantage of her and that he was older than her and to think about what he was doing in one single message from my account other than the brief conversation we had on her Facebook. He was also a proven liar and I told her that, he had already denied in that same conversation, while she was reading, that he had any intention towards her, told me he wasn’t attracted to her, and acted all offended when I confronted him instead of being decent enough to outright say he liked her and he was hitting on her.

He had already slept with her. I couldn't understand how someone so low could exist. Even if he had anything to gain, it was disgusting (and the fact that something like that was the second lie that came up to his head spoke so much about how sick he was, it made me worry about her being with him, of what he could do to her, so I told her to be careful once again), but it didn't even look to me like there was anything to be gained from this lie at that point.

When I told her I obviously didn't tell him anything and that I would never do that, and that I didn’t even have anything anymore (I didn't, I'm sorry I deleted everything because I wish I still had it so I could watch it, but I would often be anxious about someone entering my home and stealing all the stuff I had of her naked, or someone hacking my laptop, so I had already deleted every single thing I owned of her naked about three years before the end of our relationship) she said "Why would he lie about it?" and I said "Why do I have to explain why someone so stupid would say something like that? What do I know? Why would I do this? What are you even talking about. You don't even know that person and I don’t either. You've known me for almost ten years. And I would never do this but if I did, why would I ever think that that man would care in the slightest about me sharing you naked if he has known you for ten days? I'm not stupid enough to think he would care. Why would I think that would stop him from sleeping with you. I knew he had no principles the moment he started hitting on you knowing that you have a boyfriend, so it certainly wouldn’t be because of some sense of morality either. Nothing makes sense." 

I was shouting, mostly, I had never been so angry, this is why whenever dumb people over the internet say about someone else in articles or whatever “he is clearly guilty, look at him getting all angry about being accused, look how he is losing it, he looks crazy, he would be calm if he were innocent” I know they probably have never been accused of something that disgusting. Oh, I don’t know, Brittany, perhaps everyone reacts differently, maybe he is enraged and baffled about people hating him for something he didn’t do and that someone would dare make that sort of lie about him, angry for even having to justify himself in the first place when he didn’t do it and so he doesn’t owe anyone anything, and then only to have everything he says dismissed. And this is also why I always about those all news. Everyone is just so stupid.

What angered me the most was that she was the person I loved the most in the world and she would believe that about me, and that someone would just try to ruin my life like that, out of nowhere, for all he knew she could just have hated me for the rest of her life after ten years like it was nothing.

And she just said "Because you want me to come back, you just want me to say I didn't sleep with him so you can take me back, but I did, a day after I left you. And even if you show these things to my dad, I'll never come back." and I told her "I wouldn't take you back anyway if you have already slept with him, so all you are saying is so pointless. But I never said that, leave me alone. But if you didn't do anything, you can come back, it's okay, I don't care about what you are saying now, it's okay." And she, being this extremely smart woman answered "OH, you see. You did do it. You did it. You want me to come back, that's why you did it, that’s why you are trying to come back, you have practically confessed, accidentally." OH, I sure love smart women, you see. How clever of her. 

So I told her "I want you to come back because I love you. You left me. You will see I'm right because I'll never upload anything, I don't even have anything to upload even if I wouldn't." And she said "I know he is telling the truth because of who you are" so I obviously answered "then you don't know a thing, because I've never done anything like that, you have been with me for so long and I've never done anything that seems unfair or lied to you" and she said "yes you know who you are, you are a son of a bitch and you know it" and then I don't remember how the fight went just that I told her “no, I don’t know it because I’m not.”

And no, I wasn't a son of a bitch so I didn't know it. And also I wasn’t angry because of the insult, I have never cared when people say anything about my mom to make me angry. OH, they are so clever, they are insulting my mom, so talented, please release me. I know whatever they say about my mom isn’t true, so if I wasn’t angry in the first place, I won’t just because they mention my mom. And if what they said about my mom were true, then why would I be angry. Not that she was trying to make me angry by mentioning my mom, though, I just remembered that most people go crazy if you talk about their mom. They are so dumb. 

Before that day she didn't know it either. During our relationship she would say out of nowhere that people like me didn't seem real whenever she saw something really ugly, that this world was a really bad place and no one cared about doing the right thing. But all of a sudden it turns out that I've always been evil and disgusting and we both were aware of that because of what something she didn’t even know was saying, because “why would he made something like that up” yes, that was the most relevant part about the whole thing, his motive, sure.

Anyway, after that call ended, she called me after three hours or so, yelling once again, telling me to stop calling that thing, I can't even call him a man anymore ever since I started writing. So he was pretending I kept calling him and telling him I would do it if he didn't break up with her. That kept happening during the whole day and I was getting so tired of it, she probably called about six times or more, every few hours.

I also told her, from the start, that I wasn’t sending him anything, to ask him to show her the messages, because he said I was sending him messages on Facebook, I told her he would obviously refuse. And of course, he didn’t have any proof, so the next time she called she said I made a blank account just for the messages. Yes, that’s why, not because he was making it up and had absolutely no actual proof. And now that I talk about this, this is sort of why I never talked about this until now, I’m so unlucky that I thought if you ever get any message you would blame me after knowing this, and now I feel stupid for talking about this, it wouldn’t surprise me, not that you believed it, but that something happened in the first place, bad thing after bad thing and coincidence after coincidence just keep happening to me, but I’ve spent so much time writing about this, and I wouldn’t mind, and still delete this, knowing my luck, but I can’t just leave it at “I once wanted to murder someone only because of a lie” I didn’t mean it like that, it wasn’t like that and it was the only time I ever wanted to murder someone, I also don’t want to lie about the reason, I don’t like lying.

That’s why I sometimes believe there are many gods, and that for whatever reason I’m important enough to one of them to hate me. I still love my life and want to live forever though and that will never change no matter what. This reminds me that on your post you said, that anyone would ask god for help and mercy when desperate. I never have, I know you were just generalizing. Whenever I’m desperate I curse him and tell him to keep going, that he will never make me sorry of being alive, that the worst he can do is murder me and he will if he wants no matter what I say. I do it just in case it’s his fault, and once again, just that one god, assuming there are many. Because I absolutely refuse to believe that if there is only one god he would bother annoying me, I’ve never done anything to him or to anyone, it would be so stupid. If there is only one god then I would feel love towards him, he wouldn’t do things just to harm me. No, I could just be really unlucky, and I hope that’s the actual reason, the other option is horrible, I’m not afraid though, but who would want that to be true. I just mean that because of all the things I’ve seen the idea of something messing with me doesn’t seem so crazy. I’m not scared because of what I’ve already told you, if he can do something to me and he wants he will, all I can do is give him the finger, even if I really hate that sign, but I do it, I reserve it just for him, and he is likely not even there.

The last time she called I was really angry because she once again told me to stop calling that stupid coward, that she wouldn't come back, that I could upload whatever I wanted and she wouldn't, the same things she kept repeating, so I started shouting things about that disgusting idiot and told her I would even get him thrown in jail if he didn't cut it off, to tell him, because I wasn't actually talking to him no matter what he said and I had nothing to say to him, but to tell him that, my mom took my cell phone away and told her to stop bothering me, that she knew who I was and to tell that person to leave me alone and to go pick a fight with people his age or he would have a problem, that we were children next to him and to go mind his business and stop telling lies.

I wasn't listening to what my girlfriend said but I remember my mom said (and she is one of the few moms that actually knows his son also, I've never been afraid of her, and I never hide anything I do from her, I'm shameless, I don't care about anything, well other than a lot of positive stuff about me that I hide from anyone but you, if anything) "and I know my son too. He is manipulative, yes, and you knew it and it clearly didn't bother you that much until now, but he doesn't tell lies. So it's so weird, that you are telling me you know him. You don't know anything or you wouldn't believe that" so I guess my girlfriend was saying that she knew who I was.

Little did she know that the person that has seen the worst things about me is my mom. Not because it was a secret but because she probably didn't pay attention. Also, I'm not manipulative, or maybe I am, but I never lie or pretend, and I never tell people something would hurt me or make me sad if they don't do it, I'm always honest and people that love me often end up doing what I want anyway. I think that what’s wrong with manipulative people is that they lie in order to get something or that they force you to end up doing it against your will somehow, like the person that told that lie to my girlfriend. Well, I’ve never been charming, and I don’t lie, I wouldn’t know how I do it, if I do it at all, but my mom and my girlfriend would say I do it, it’s likely they are right.

Maybe it's actually called being persuasive and maybe it's because I'm smart and it works. Whatever it's called, my mom was well aware of whatever my girlfriend was whining about, and she still knew I wouldn't do that. My friend was really angry that she would believe something like that, I honestly believe she was angry and that she wasn't just pretending, she only thought I was a monster because I didn't love her, but she loved me after all, so she didn’t like when someone else was being unfair to me, and even if I didn’t care for her, I used to be really angry at her big sister whenever she was being mean to her, she thought she was so much smarter than her and she wasn’t, the kind of person to mock someone and act all superior. My grandma was angry too, but it's not like any of that says anything, people that love you often refuse to believe bad things about you.

I'm not like that, my mom loves lying to get out of trouble, I would believe she lied about something, it depends on the lie. My grandma once told me she would grab an envelope with money if she found it out there on top of whatever furniture but not in someone’s property. I told her she shouldn't, it wasn't hers and she knew it, someone left it there for another person to pick it up and that person knew who they were. She said it wasn't anyone's either if it didn't have a name, and that even if it did, it was the person's fault for leaving it out there, that you should know better. She said everyone would take the envelope, that I would even if I said I wouldn’t. She was obviously wrong and it made me really angry so she had to hear me for over an hour saying, a lot of people would take it, but not everyone, and I certainly wouldn't. So I would believe some things about my grandma too. Not that I think anyone that took the envelope would be a bad person. But it would speak so much about their principles, and I care way too much about that to ruin them over some damn money, no money is worth that, no one would find out, but I would know, and I’m with me 24/7. I don’t care about my reputation either, just about people not believing lies about me as I told you in another letter.

The point is I didn't do it. She didn't call me again, not for that reason, but she called me twenty days after the day she first left. That's when she wanted to come back, this woman, was apparently so deeply disturbed, and wanted to come back with someone that threatened to beat the new person she was seeing up and that kept threatening to share her naked body. I don't understand how a man this jealous would ever think it's a good idea to allow every man on Earth to look at her naked body until the end of time if I was supposedly still trying to make her come back and I told her so when she called me to accuse me, but okay.

She said he obviously lied to her, probably only to have an excuse to ditch her, he never admitted he lied and she is a plant, she doesn't care that much for justice, so I don't think she ever asked him for an explanation. Because after that day he told her that he didn't want any trouble with me, that he wanted to be an astronaut and go to Russia, a lot of stupid lies just to stop seeing her (he isn't one yet, he will be one, but I know he probably still dreams of it, I stopped checking on him after a year, he never once mentioned what he did to me, he never made any reference, any sort of apology, why would he, he probably forgot all about it after a week or so and if he didn’t he probably thought he was right to lie about me because I argued with him that one time, over wanting to sleep with my girlfriend and ditching her, I'll never understand how some people find it so easy to ruin someone's life over a lie and just move on) and she said the reason he wanted to stop seeing her was because in the end, he wanted her to do a lot of stupid things to him, he was submissive, he didn't like that she wasn't who he thought she would be in bed (they never talked about it so he had no reason to assume that she wanted to beat him up other than her angry plant face), and he wasn't either, so she didn't mind that he wanted to ditch her. They still sort of kept in touch for a month or so after that, I found out afterwards, but she just moved on with her life too and they never spoke again, they soon stopped having each other on Facebook too.

I asked her if she had really slept with him and she obviously said it was true. I couldn't help but cry because unlike what I do with my mom and my grandma, I didn't want to believe the things that I already knew she was capable of until I had proof, I even apologized for crying, I know I shouldn't have, but she never saw me cry, maybe ten times in ten years, I doubt it.

But I suddenly got an idea, because she said she wanted to come back since the start of the call, and she told me she wanted me to tell her what it was, but I said it was something bad, that she would believe the lie about me then but that it was a lie. She insisted. So I said, if she allowed me to murder him, I wouldn't mind that she slept with him, I could forget it, he would be dead, that it wouldn't be now, that it would be in ten years. No one knew what had happened between us, but I'm not an idiot, I would wait for a really long time anyway, what I wanted was her answer.

I told her all of that. She said no, of course. and she was clearly afraid now. I told her that obviously the life of someone that lied to both of us, being well aware of how important and long our relationship was, that it was clearly more meaningful then. So she immediately took everything back, and said she didn't love me (right after saying she did, that she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life, that that’s how she knew she would never do something like that again if I took her back), that she was just lonely, to forgive her, that she was sorry to bother me, but to not do that, that she actually wanted to meet other men.

I told her I would never do it if she didn't want me to. But that it would only work while she didn't sleep with someone else, because if she did, I would have no excuse to murder him of course, that I wasn't going to murder a man just for sleeping with her. So, that same night, I saw her talk about sexual stuff with him, but I know she really wasn't that much into it. She was only into being submissive and he clearly didn't want that from her, so their conversation was really stupid, and they never saw each other again other than for business, she slept with other men, and all of the story that you already know.

It speaks so much about her, though, that she would be friendly with someone that did what he did to me. For years, I would be so enraged whenever I thought of him, but thankfully, he is nothing now, he always was. I've always cared about my principles. About doing what feels right to me and only me. Not about being a good person.

I didn't want to murder him because of what he did to me, I wanted to murder him so I could forgive my ex-girlfriend, and murdering someone capable of telling such a lie wasn't against my principles. Then, the life of a disgusting coward, or fixing the life of my ex-girlfriend who was clearly suffering because I wouldn't take her back. I chose fixing the life of my ex-girlfriend of course. But if she didn't agree, it was pointless. First, because she didn't love me that much, if she wasn't willing to allow me to do whatever it took to fix her mistake. But also, because I wasn't going to murder him any time soon and I was well aware that by then she would have slept with other men anyway, making his dead pointless. I wouldn't be able to forgive her anyway. So why even bother murdering him. 

You wouldn’t remember it now but when we first started talking I told you I’ve never cared for revenge, that I didn’t waste any time with people that aren’t worth it, and that if someone is worth it then I don’t want to hurt them no matter what they did.

No, your hubris didn't become your doom. Your dumb ex-boyfriend promised more than he could deliver and that's why he ended up walking way after talking so much about love, and you obviously believed him, you had no reason to doubt him.

What you said about your boyfriend not caring about everything being in vain, we don’t know it yet, if it's actually in vain. But let's say it is. That the end is oblivion. Just think of your favorite food or of your favorite thing ever, something you truly love, yes, you do it or you eat that thing, and you know you will do it again. But even if you knew that could only eat it once, it wouldn't stop tasting good, and it would be meaningful while it's happening. 

And maybe since you will only exist while it's happening, that's because oblivion wouldn't matter, as long as we enjoy it here and as long as it has a meaning while we can actually experience what we are supposed to experience. Even if it's something like your boyfriend's dumb game.

And this also makes me think of your loved ones. Even if you were going to die and disappear completely, that still wouldn't make your love for your sister less meaningful than it is right now. So that's the point, it's important now. But that said, I'm really angry at everything involving death and I refuse to die and I want us to live forever.

This is already really long, but I'll say something that I believe about hell, I think if there is a god, punishing someone for eternity wouldn't make sense. Because let's say a man raped and murdered a lot of women and animals, and did everything bad that you can do while you are alive. After billions and billions and billions of burning or of any kind of terrible pain, that would surely be enough.

I'm not even talking about that man being sorry, maybe he wouldn't be, just afraid of the punishment going on if he doesn't change his mind. I'm just talking about the actual punishment. It would seem stupid to keep going after such a long time, billions and billions of years. What would the point even be.

That's why if there are gods, and if they have a hell, since they would probably be smarter than us, an eternal punishment would probably seem stupid to them too, and they would punish you for as long as you actually deserved it no matter what you did, but not forever.

I can't think of anyone actually deserving an eternal punishment. Not even if I try to picture (and I don't do it, that makes me feel awful) a man doing something terrible to thousands of animals, torturing them, and a lot of things but that's it, I don't want to think about it, not even then.

Because obviously there would come a time when he was done paying. I'm not saying I would like him after that, but that I would agree that it was enough. If I was a god though, I would probably find a punishment unnecessary, but that’s another thing, I was just saying why the idea of hell seems so stupid to me.

I think you are like the sea mostly because of what I've already said about it, it's strong and it's destructive, you can be if you want to, obviously, everyone that's strong can, I think. Unless you are disabled, unable to move and talk and see, and everything, that's very specific though, but then you can be destructive to yourself, I guess, you can have terrible thoughts and put yourself down. Not you obviously. But I said it was something healthy too, because of what you said yourself, you enjoy it, for so many things, most people just love the sea, and see so many things. I also said is deep and sort of endless, you are those things. I didn't read my letter again, I just thought of what I thought you had in common. But yeah, the thing about Kylo's lightsaber isn't even about traits, other than intensity, and something I felt out of nowhere.

Maybe, before I read some terrible story about some pets dying in a fire, I would have talked about something with fire. But ever since I read that, fire often makes me think about people and animals that have died in a fire, and that's terrible because a lot of deep stuff talks about fire and I can still appreciate it but it's not the same now. But it depends, I still enjoy songs that talk about fire, and if I see a bonfire and things like that, it doesn’t make me think of something else burning. I’m just no longer into comparing people to fire.

[hereitalkonandon]

Too sleepy

To be completely honest, my friend, the girl that I was talking about, had this Facebook account that I didn't know about, she added me and my girlfriend as friends, (she hated my girlfriend so they never once saw each other, but my girlfriend had nothing against her and knew she was in love with me) it didn't have a picture or anything and she was pretending to be Asian, she did it so she could read our conversations, but back then I didn't know about that, I found out years later. 

Since my girlfriend liked to use games from that website that she would eventually ditch after a month or three and jump to another game, she sometimes asked me to use the app too so i could send her stuff. And then sometimes I would also feel like using one too.

So she just sent us both a message saying that she needed friends for Sims Social. After my ex-girlfriend left, for a month or so she kept me on Facebook as a friend on this extra account I had made just to send us gifts and things for the games, she probably forgot about it, she ended up unfriending me one day, so I told my friend that it was both good and bad, because I felt awful without seeing what she was up to, but that I was also starting to care less and less since I wasn't actually seeing her sinning even if I loved her just the same, at first she didn't say anything, but after some months, I don't remember, she said she actually had her as a friend and that she had a new boyfriend already and told me all about the fake account, and that she could share it with me if I wanted to, she gave me the password and that's how I know about everything she posts there.

That's how I know when she actually wants me to see something, her Facebook is private, but she bothers to make the posts public, she was no other reason to do that. She didn't make The Less I Know the Better public, so that's why I wasn't too sure about what she meant by it taking into account the weird ways in which she decided to interpret lyrics, to this day she doesn't know I saw it of course, as well as many other things that she does.

I said "to be completely honest" because I know this is spying on her and is considered wrong by a lot of people, but, she adds everyone as a friend ever since she left, even the ones that look like fake accounts and have two friends or so, she has over a thousand people there, I'm not exactly invading her privacy, she just thinks I'm the only one not finding out.

Sometimes, she would post something really specific about us, privately, right after also having posted a song like the one by Tame Impala. Even if she was talking about me, maybe it's also the version that she would like to buy herself, that I'm just an idiot that won't move on, that she is happy with her new life and only wishes to stop feeling guilty. Maybe by now that's the truth. I know she would never be completely happy with a man that she is aware has already cheated on her, but that still wouldn't mean she loves me that much anyway.

That friend, since you say you were curious, when we met I was 17 and she was 14, I already knew my girlfriend but we only started dating until I was 18. I would spend a lot of time with that friend, but even ignoring her age, I never really thought of her as a woman, we were just both messed up and moody and angry, and we also used to laugh a lot. 

Some months after we first met I started dating my girlfriend, and once I did, my friend would always be angry at me saying I should pay attention to her, calling me names and saying I was evil when I had been with my girlfriend for many hours, saying it was enough, that she had been waiting for me all day.

And I would of course tell her that I didn't promise her any time at all, that I wanted to be with my girlfriend all day, that she knew that, that I would see her when my girlfriend was busy if I felt like it at all because I really liked to spend time by myself.

And she would keep insisting that I should pay attention to her already, that I was a bad person because she loved me so much and she just wanted to see me. She used to spend most days doing nothing but waiting for me to pay attention to her. And she often laughed about a SpongeBob joke "What do you normally do when I'm gone?" "Wait for you to come back." 

I of course never ditched my girlfriend just to talk to her or see her, but it kept happening during my entire relationship with my ex-girlfriend. At first she was fifteen and it made sense, but she kept doing it when she was eighteen and twenty.

I can't remember when it became a public thing, that she loved me, but at some point it was, probably a year or so after I started my relationship. But it wasn't that she just suddenly told me she loved me and I rejected her, it was so obvious and it came up many times and she didn't deny it, her behavior, everything, at first I would tell her she was acting like a jealous person and that she had no right to be angry at me, and she would say she was, stuff like that.

Ever since we met I would talk about my then not girlfriend. And also after I knew that she loved me, I always told her I would never love her back, even if I weren't with my girlfriend, that I didn't see her like that, I never led her on.

Even after 2014 (we met in 2008 as I've already told you), right after an argument where she called me the worst person to ever live, and said that everyone that could ever get to know me in the future was so much better off without meeting me, and that I was a monster because she loved me so much and I didn't, and I asked her why keep bothering me then, that at that point I was only putting up with her because she wouldn't just leave no matter what, to just stop talking to me then, she said she was trying to salvage, that's the word she used, our relationship, and I said that it didn't make sense if she could say those things about me, that I would never say those things about her, otherwise, I wouldn't want to talk to her, she had the nerve to say "Because I think we are soul mates, don't you think that too?", I think she even wanted to laugh after asking that, how could she even ask me that after so long, so I just said "No, of course I don't think that" and I don't know what happened after that but it would be too long anyway because this sort of thing kept happening for many years.

But she lost her virginity to a guy she had just met in that year too, and she stopped caring less about me but told me about the things she was doing anyway, I wasn't jealous of course but I told her he obviously only wanted sex, he just wanted sex, and that's what has happened with every man she sleeps with and just like my girlfriend she hopes to eventually get a boyfriend out of it and hates being used for sex but also loves sex, but anyway, after my ex-girlfriend left, I remember well that she asked me "So now that she is out of the way do you want to be my boyfriend", and I asked her how she could even ask that, that if she was joking, that if she wasn't I could explain it to her.

And she just said that she was being serious, but I think she didn't want any explanation. That was sort of when we started to barely talk at all. It made me so mad that she kept antagonizing me just because she was jealous, so I've no doubt that I said a lot of mean stuff to her, and that I meant, because I’ve told you that I always mean what I say even if I was enraged, and that she had her reasons to be so angry at me for years, but basically she just acted like I was wrong for not loving her and that’s what caused all the problems.

So I never mentioned her because I knew that maybe I would end up writing a lot about her, and I don't mind writing this, I just didn't want to make any given letter way longer than it needed to be. She sent me "bitch" this morning, as if she knew I talked about her, but she talks to me like four times a year and never says that much, I never start any conversation, I also never bother to tell her that much either because I know how much she loves to skip what I say.

How do you know he isn't still checking on you? That still doesn't mean anything, and I don't want it to mean anything, he clearly doesn't deserve you. 

I really liked the music from that song. I wouldn't say it sounds anything like Disclosure - Latch feat. Sam Smith, yes, I copied the title from Youtube because I didn't even know that the song wasn't called Latch, just that I've had it on my iPod forever, but it's probably from the same genre or something. And this is why I never send you songs anyway, I'm mentioning it because it reminded me of that one even if they are nothing alike, but well aware that they probably play it at discos or whatever places normal people visit. 

I knew about the Arctic Monkeys concert because of your blog and also that you like them because you reblog stuff about Alex Turner sometimes. I once read that you eventually wanted to make Dangerous Night by 30 Seconds to Mars one of your songs, but maybe they were just playing it a lot back then, in some disco that you young people frequent.

I love music but mostly when I'm running (so much that I don't enjoy running without music either), I have such anxiety that I rarely just listen to music while I'm not moving. Back when I used to spend a lot of time on your blog (I check it as usual but now I spend a lot of time writing to you and sometimes I don't have enough time to see more of the really old posts)  I even started feeling better and would sometimes feel like playing some songs that I already had on my iPod.

Even if I don't know that much about music I know how famous Arctic Monkeys is, so the fact that he didn't know something as basic as that makes me buy that he really doesn't care that much for music. And I also used to wait forever to listen to the songs my girlfriend asked me to listen to, but in my case, it was because I was being a mediocre boyfriend and not paying attention, since I was thinking about her with other men, so I would just read the lyrics, and as long as they didn't look suspicious I wouldn't say anything and just forget to listen to the songs, and keep being busy worrying about her and men. So in my defense I was only ignoring her because I was too busy with our imaginary problems, sometimes not imaginary.

You mentioned something about your gloom at the end of the letter, but your letter actually read more frantic, I'm probably wrong, I sometimes feel like that so I'm sort of always assuming most people often feel like that and didn't think anything of it. Except when you talked about motherhood. 

You said that I talk about my ex-girlfriend like she was the only woman in my life, and that it's good that it wasn't the case, but my friend really didn't matter to me. While I could feel the love for the people I already loved by the time my ex-girlfriend became my girlfriend, I was never able to feel love for anyone else after that, I only kept loving the people I already loved.

Not that I came across many people after that. I likely care for my mom's boyfriend, because he was robbed twice or thrice and I felt bad for him, it made me think of them pointing a gun at him. But another thing of being too proud, is that I don't know how he feels about me, we have barely interacted, so if he didn't care I wouldn't. That would also happen with anyone but an animal, though, I would love my dog no matter what because he doesn't know any better. But, before my break up, I had a few nightmares, maybe five times or so, where either my mom or my grandma would tell me that they never loved me, that they didn't care for me, and since it was my dream even if I didn't know I was dreaming, I would know without a doubt that they were telling me the truth, so I would immediately stop feeling any love towards them and it wouldn't hurt. This is why I have always suspected that if someone that loves me suddenly stopped loving me I would do the same.

I could never care for that friend, I think it's because my relationship with my girlfriend also messed me up, even if not as much as my break up, but also because my friend was a woman that loved me, so maybe my obsession with loyalty always made me disgusted about loving her as a person, so I never tried to, and didn't want to anyway.

But as I said, back then I could still feel the love towards other people perfectly, even if my dad was the person that I loved the least, I loved him enough, so when he died, I even felt like I wanted to die too, for a couple of days, and of course that by then I already dreamed of living forever. That was probably the only time I have felt like dying, I didn't want to. But I thought that if I did, it wouldn't be so terrible, because at least that feeling would stop and I thought I would never stop feeling like that, I felt so bad for him, I have an e-mail full of mistakes that he sent me, it looks like him. I never read it but back then, it was awful, because it looked just the same as it had looked when he was still alive, looking at the e-mail there was no difference.

I eventually stopped feeling those things, but maybe because now that he is dead I've been angry at him, whenever I think about him, I want to punch him and hurt him for dying, I haven't felt pity towards him in years, I'm just angry because he died because he was stupid, he had been having strong headaches and didn't bother to visit a doctor, died of a stroke. This made me cry but he is stupid and I don't like him anymore, I keep his ashes inside a drawer because he doesn't deserve to be seen. But the first year or so I had them out there. My grandma didn't want to keep them and din't want to know what happened to them, she didn't say it but it was obvious, it must be awful, to think that what was his son is sort of in that box. Not his ghost anyway, but she isn't sure that she believes in ghosts.

Even if when my ex-girlfriend left I felt a thousand times worse, I didn't want to die, I forced myself to eat, because I knew I didn't deserve to die over someone that just discarded me like that.

It's messed up that I say this, and maybe that's why my friend was right to hate me even if I have the right to feel however I want, but even if we stopped talking today, the few days we have interacted will be more meaningful than the many years I was (and sort of still am) her friend. So maybe she doesn't need to tell you her story for you to understand why she was angry. I never pretended to care either, though. I don't like hypocrites, so I've never been one.

I had already mentioned that I keep calling her girlfriend sometimes because it's easier to write and I only have one ex-girlfriend so it's the same person. But that's just this year, before that, I kept calling her girlfriend, because she was wrong and stupid, and what we had was true love, and we had a fake wedding just by ourselves, and love is forever. So even though if during our relationship we never talked as if we were married, after she left, I often called her my wife for a year or two, then it was just girlfriend, and now I can just call her ex-girlfriend or girlfriend, and do it because then I don't have to add the - to the word. 

What you say about your boyfriend getting distracted, I would punch him and break up with him but I can't say it's because he doesn't care either since my mom's boyfriend is just the same, he actually hates talking, and listening, he is an idiot even if he is supposed to be smart. He is an engineer, at least, he can't be that dumb. But I often see that people that are good at math are sort of morons. I know there are a lot of people that are good at math and that aren't morons, though. It's not that I'm bitter because I hate math, it's just something I've seen. People getting called smart automatically just because they are great at math and I would talk to them and they were so stupid and so simple. I've never been considered a moron and have been called smart even if I hate math, so it's not that either. But what I often think about, is how people with Down Syndrome are sometimes math geniuses, so yeah, math doesn't prove anything to me like it does to a lot of people. My point was that my mom's boyfriend clearly loves her, he has nothing to gain out of that relationship even if my mom is good looking. He even got into a lot of fights with his parents at first because his mom didn't like that my mom is older. And he still doesn't care at all about listening to my mom. 

My girlfriend's mind is probably always full of things though, but she likely spends a lot of time thinking about boring things like ambition and success. I know you and most people like those things, that's why I'm laughing right now, talking about it like it's a bad thing. I just want to live forever, I couldn't care less about achievements.

I always find it stupid when people bring up the fact that men are needed to make a baby. It's true but a man can get a woman pregnant and never see her again after that day, he had nothing to do with the actual baby growing inside of her for nine months. Which is also why a woman can just get inseminated. But I think that if both were there for their child and put the same effort they should have the same rights. I think pregnancy is like having some sort of god living inside your body, because everything that is making the child is happening inside. And it can't be like a factory, because it's a life.

When you talked about having the power to give death too, at first I thought you meant just abortion, my mom had two, that I know of, at least. This one time she accidentally started dating some drug dealer. He didn't look like it when she met him, though we never met, my mom has never been friends with that sort of people. She got pregnant and aborted the baby, but pretended she lost it so he didn't get mad because he thought it was a sin because he was an idiot, well, that was clear enough, what drug dealer isn't.

I don't like them because they never care about hurting innocent people when they start shooting at each other. Otherwise I wouldn't care, if they only hurt one another, as long as you stayed out of that sort of job you didn't need to worry about it, so if you ended up getting killed because of it, it would be your choice. But it's not how it works. So I hate them, because they murder people that are actually decent, people that don't owe them anything. So, he was so sad because my mom make it look like it was his fault that she "lost" the baby, this one time she called him and he didn't answer. And she used that as an excuse to leave him and he never bothered her again. When she first started seeing her boyfriend she got pregnant too but she never really wanted more children.

Then I realized you were talking about murder, I once talked to my girlfriend about me murdering a man that did something wrong, not to her, only in the sense that he lied to her. She didn't want to, of course, she's a plant, I wasn't going to get her involved at all obviously. She was probably right by telling me not to do it. To this day I don't know if she was protecting me, herself, because maybe she thought I was an idiot and would get her accidentally involved, or the man. I'm just like any person, though. No problems with the police. Even the cops have stopped my mom twice or so for drunk driving. Not me, I don't drink. I didn't have anything that would help me achieve that but myself. Never done anything wrong ever in my life, I know this, and I love me. I still felt like it was the right thing to do, but she said no, so it was pointless. 

I think it makes us special, that we process complex feelings, but not better than apes or the other animals, we should respect them all. In the same way that really smart people should respect dumb people. And you said it yourself on your blog, that men made gods because they need something that can save them when they don't have any hope. I don't think love can be made up, because a lot of animals can feel it and they obviously don't even understand it. Maybe romantic love is made up and it's just normal love but because of many factors we end up feeling it in a different way. I don't think so, but I wouldn't know how it truly works. I'm someone that stopped being able to feel love over a break up, I can barely understand myself sometimes, not very often though, I normally know what I feel and why.

I think that it's more likely that there are many gods than just one god, I'm not even sure of something being out there at all, of course, how could I. And then if we just exist for no reason and nothing helped to create us, maybe we could still turn into ghosts after drying, for no reason too. I just care about being able to continue existing after dying. But who I am, no energy nonsense. My thoughts. And I want the people that I love to live too. I don't need a god to help me in life. I just need a god to help me after I'm dead.

If there was a god that would allow me to remain dead forever anyway, then I really couldn't care less about him. Unless he was going to help me live longer, then I wouldn't be incredibly grateful to him. What's a hundred years next to eternity anyway, but it would still be useful. Unless he didn't have the power to make me live forever, then I would be grateful to him for my life. If some god created me and could help me live forever but he refused, then he would disgust me. It's like giving someone a wife for some years and then taking her away from him. 

I read the Bible in 2013, I already knew that one god was an idiot, but not that he was that evil. I found so many stupid quotes, he was so sexist, and so many things that made me angry. I know for sure that if that god told them to wrote that book exactly as it is, then he is actually the devil and dumb, or he doesn't exist. And since he sounds like the ignorant men from back then, I think that that god was made up, and that the book is just full of lies. So Jesus is probably a lie too, whether he actually existed or not. 

What I think is that there isn't any god from a book that I believe in, but that a god doesn't need to have a book to exist. Maybe there is a god or many gods, I hope so, but just so I can live forever.

And if I was able to create ants at will, for no reason, I just could, and I made billions of ants, I would still be unable to help all of them at the same time even if I wanted to, that wouldn't make me evil. Some people say that god has to be omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent and that if he isn't then he isn't a god, but that's stupid. If I made the ants and that was my only power, I would still be their creator, that makes me their god, maybe not a good god, and they probably wouldn't owe me anything. But I wouldn't be an ant, and I would be real. If some weird thing with a brain created us, I think he would be our god no matter what we called it.

But I'm always annoyed when someone affirms that there isn't any god because they say so. To me that's dumb, that can't be proved. When talking about god, it's like talking about magic, so no matter how many inventions science comes up with, magic could still hide from it. The fact that it couldn't be detected wouldn't automatically mean that it doesn't exist. And you can't prove that god exists. But that's not the point, my point is that the not dumb option for someone that really doubts there is a god is saying exactly that "I really doubt there is a god, to me it doesn't make sense, and I can't prove it, so you are not an idiot for thinking that maybe there is something, but I'm pretty sure there isn't."

I wouldn't want to be an object, it's just that if I was forced to say I'm like an object, I can only think of the lightsaber. But it's just because it was something I noticed that I felt, and I only realized it after I started talking to you and tried to explain why I liked Kylo even when he did a lot of things that to me were just stupid, and he did a lot of things that I don't understand.

So I suddenly realized, that to me he is a lot like his lightsaber, and that thing about me actually being able to relate to both of them, but just because I felt like we were both like it, not that we actually shared a lot of traits. And I think that the only reason I can relate to it, it's because it looks like it's alive, the regular lightsabers that they have used in all the movies look nothing like it, the light is just static as long as they are not swinging them, they look like objects, but this one moves just because it's turned on.

Before I thought of this, I would have struggled to answer if they had asked me to compare myself to an item. I think that if someone needs to compare himself with an object, you think of something without a brain but that looks alive, mostly, though I'm sure that someone who loves the guitar would say he is a guitar, and you see how a guitar obviously doesn't move by itself, you need to move your hand and all, otherwise it's just a pretty piece of wood.

So you are probably the sea to me, not what you think of yourself, and a lot of people would compare themselves with the sea, but I just compared you to it right now, only if I had to give an answer, I could only come up with that. If I tried to give an answer for myself I couldn't, because as I said, I wasn't trying to do that at all, I just realized I felt that way about that lightsaber, I've always liked it, and I've always felt like this ever since I first watched the movie, but I never thought of it with words until this month, so I finally understood exactly what I saw on Kylo.

When it comes to you, the number of objects that exist is infinite so I doubt that would be my final answer if I could remember every single object there is when I had to decide, and if I could actually feel how you feel. Because I wouldn't be able to put it in words when it comes to the lightsaber, how we are actually similar, it's something I feel and I know.

So to actually know yours I would need to experience what is like to be you. Well the sea is obviously strong and angry, but it can be soft too, and it destructs but it's also healthy. Then it's deep and sort of endless, I could see how a lot of people could just see whatever they want and decide it fits them.

[hereitalkonandon]

I want some fries

You shouldn't be feeling brilliant in order to write to me, I know that perhaps you meant that you want to try to write properly sometimes, to use it as practice or something, or to read what you wrote again eventually since you would really like to be a writer, things like that maybe, but don't try on my behalf, just say whatever you want as long as you are in the mood, the worst that could happen is something ending up looking ambiguous and I can just ask you what you meant.

At least I never do that, because if I tried to write with a decent style it would take me days, it already takes me many hours normally, just to write a normal answer. I just try to erase everything that looks too stupid once I finish and use some decent enough grammar and by this I just mean I try to make it look not as awful which is the best I can hope for. I usually don't mind using the same words like "really" because otherwise that would mean even more hours too, and I delete the sentences where I keep repeating myself over and over again. And I still end up doing it of course.

She actually posted that song on Facebook because she loves Tame Impala, when she was already with her new boyfriend, so I don't know what she thought it meant or who was singing it, because she had this really stupid habit of completely changing the meaning of a song.

Take really obvious lyrics, let's say the song is literally about a forest and how amazing it is, and she would say that while it talked about a forest, she loved the song so much because the lyrics were talking about when you are eating with your family at night after going to the supermarket when you are sixteen and you have to get up early the next morning but you are not sure if you would rather stay home, but maybe your friend will answer the phone, but she also had some prunes on her bed once.

She was aware that the song didn't actually mean that, but what I mean is that I rarely knew what she was thinking. For all I knew, she was thinking of men while listening to songs about jackalopes.

I can't remember if she already knew about Tame Impala when we were together, because one of the ways in which I was mediocre, is that in the last years I didn't know a lot of small details about her, because I would always be busy thinking about her and men and worried about making sure if my suspicions were true or not, spend hours thinking about it and ignore things like that.

That said I think it's great that everyone decides whatever meaning a song has for them, but to me it wasn't useful when it came to her and that's why it annoyed me, still does sometimes, unless she's being too obvious.

I feel like I would like Tame Impala but when she left she was always listening to them and posting lyrics and songs, it reminds me of those days so I would always just look up the lyrics and never know if she was thinking of some man she was sleeping with, but I'm glad that you sent the song, it didn't make me feel bad, and I like things like this. Coincidences and that sort of stuff.

The title of the song has nothing to do with me because I always want to know everything, it makes me anxious to feel like someone is hiding something trying not to hurt me, maybe because it's not even happening anymore, and it's best if I don't find out, but other than that of course I see what you mean, it even says something about ten years.

The same thing used to happen with Arctic Monkey, I never actually got to listen to them even if I had known about them forever, so I had no neutral or good memories about their songs, and the group ended up linked to bad stuff so I never felt like trying to listen to their songs and see if I would enjoy them much as most people, but I kept seeing them everywhere of course since they are so famous, so they no longer make me think of her since the bad things happened a while ago by now, and I want to eventually listen to them.

I've spent over ten years wanting to "eventually listen to Depeche Mode" though, but they are harder to listen to, you need patience for a lot of their songs, Arctic Monkeys has a faster sound. I ended up listening to some songs and I love Do I wanna know, he also has a good voice, so I feel like I would like enough songs at least, if not a lot.

Maybe I'll try listening to Tame Impala too in a few years, once I don't feel odd. But just send me whatever you want, and I actually listened to the song again. If anything now I can link that one to you because you sent it. I don't send you songs though because, as I've said, they are too popular, it feels redundant. I have no way of coming across music, though, so if you feel like sending me a popular song sometime do it too, it's so likely that it will be new for me. This reminds me that I've never really listened to Marina and the Diamonds either, but that I've about six songs from her, from when I found out about her on Tumblr back in 2011 because of the songs Living Dead and Obsessions. It's weird, my blog will turn eight in two days or so. 

I would just have thought that maybe you were busy or not in the mood, but it makes sense that you would feel like sending an answer right after a letter like the last one I sent you, because as of now you never take that long to answer, I see how taking too long after that one could look odd. But since I often think of everything, at least whatever comes up to my mind, I would have thought of the other options too and think that maybe you would write eventually after you had the time or something. Did you meant you are trying to avoid getting tired of answering me or that you are trying to avoid making me think that you grew tired of answering me. I'm just curious because I didn't know how to read that part.

I didn't meant that I find it hard to write back to you, I meant that I found it hard that it just kept happening, getting to know someone, because of everything that's messed up with me, that it gave me an uncomfortable feeling but that it stopped when I saw a letter from you and I wouldn't feel like that again until after I woke up hours after sending you a letter, and it would last until I saw another letter.

I only find it hard to edit the letter and how many hours it takes me, because I start feeling so tired at some point but I still want to keep doing it. It's just like when you are dancing maybe and you want to keep doing it but your body is tired, and you keep doing it because you want to.

But this usually only happens when I'm too sleepy or when I write something that's too long. Right now I still feel so healthy, for example, because so far this is looking like a decently sized letter. Not something abusively long like the ones I make you read sometimes.

I had a friend, she was in love with me but just because she was messed up too, we didn't get into a fight or anything, she just sort of started doing her life and now sleeps around with a lot of men so she says hi every six months or so, she doesn't count as something that would give me social skills because we met when I was 17 and not this messed up yet and we were really mean to each other too anyway. So keep excusing my odd behavior when I don't know what's socially acceptable.

She always skipped parts from whatever I sent her since I've always talked a lot, even being so in love with me, at least I think that she believed she was because she used to throw a lot of tantrums over it, and I don't understand why she would skip it because I know the kind of person she was (I wouldn't know who she is now) and she didn't like me for my looks. For her to ignore me because she just liked to look at me, I know it wasn't that, it just didn't make sense then that she didn't care about what I was saying.

So it's odd that you would actually bother reading everything, and that's why it wouldn't bother me if you didn't read some parts, no one's ever done that. And I know I read what you say too, but you never write something that long, I would love it if you did though, while at the same time I'd feel bad that you wasted your time. But the thing is, I would read it no matter how long, sure, but that's just me, most people are annoyed when you talk or write too much even if they don't say it. So they usually just skip some parts. I know it's normal, that's why I wouldn't mind if you did. 

I don't care if you repeat what I've already said because what you are adding anyway is either telling me if you agree or if you don't, so that counts as something new.

I've mentioned it before, as you said, about my love being more about who I am and not about her, but that's why, sadly, whoever she is now, it couldn't change anything as long as she loved me and as long as I was her first choice. She was already so mediocre when it came to love, and maybe she is worst now. I just don't stop loving her in case she needs me to love her someday. I don't want to hurt her, and I know her word can't be trusted.

But what you said about a green light, my love for her it's not about chasing some dream at all but about not hurting her, but I know I would never find anything more important than romantic love. At least I've lived like this for so many years, and I'm not sure if I could ever love someone again. If she was completely happy, and I could know for sure that she didn't love me, if I stopped loving her then.

I don't know what would happen. If it turns out that I can't love again, I don't know if I would feel like life would never be as meaningful as it is now if I suddenly stopped feeling romantic love. Since to me it's sort of the most important thing there is. Trying to be with her has never been about that. But I was trying to fit the green light somewhere, and of course romantic love would be that something even if the situation isn't like that.

The reason I feel like I wouldn't love again if I was sure she moved on is because, if I get over a broken heart once, why wouldn't I be able to get over a broken heart twice? And I feel like, being aware that I once loved as much as I could love and still got over it, would make me feel that maybe true love is a lie then when it comes to me. I would feel like if true love was real it would be impossible to completely get over it, and if I'm not completely over her I can't move on in the first place.

And I know that I could try to think that maybe I got over her because it wasn't true love and I'm yet to find it, but I think that I wouldn't be able to buy it, because of how I even stopped feeling love towards people because of our break up, so many things.

So I think that knowing I can get over a person, would even make it impossible for me to fall in love with that person in the first place, because I'm really messed up, I wouldn't be surprised if I actually ended up working like that. But then again, I'm unlikely to ever be sure that she's over me. At least not now. And since she goes through life loving a lot of people at the same time and liking every man she sees, it wouldn't be that crazy to think that she will always love me to a certain degree, and so she will always refuse to completely let me go, and she will always hide having another first choice, and stop me from moving on. Which would keep ruining my life, but maybe it's saving it.

What I know is that if I lost my memory, I don't think I would fall in love with her again if we met and I didn't know anything and I spent just as much time with her as with ten other girls, I only love her like when someone loves their stupid child as I've said before. But maybe that's just how I feel because of what she is currently doing. If true love exist then maybe I would love her anyway no matter what I think.

They always rush forward and forget about you watching over them. You said that in your other letter, for some reason I feel odd adding "" because it's something you said and I'm telling you. I wouldn't know why it feels odd.

But you are right, it's not that they owe you something, but most of them just don't care. They just act as if your were something disposable and never think twice about you doing things for them just for the sake of doing them, you are now trash, other people can do that for them.

After she left she wanted me to watch over her even if she didn't say it, but she didn't want to pay for it, and you shouldn't pay for it. But I loved her as a woman. And she obviously wanted me as a friend to keep having what I was giving her. I didn't think it was fair, both because I'm proud and because of what I told you of not wanting to pretend I cared for her gossip about men, I would probably even be fine if the men were worth it, but you are probably well aware by now that they rarely are. Why would I put up with being friends with her and sometimes have to listen to her whine about some mediocre men, people far beneath me, and she talking as if they were better men than me, worthy of wasting her time anyway to whine about them.

That's because of who she was, you never whine but even if you wanted to whine about some homeless drug dealer that you believe is the love of your life it would be good to hear from you, though I of course wouldn't be able to feel like that was a good idea or that I should encourage it, that's another point though. 

I've seen people talk about some parents having a toxic love for their children, meaning loving them too much. And I find that stupid. You can't never love your children enough. And you can't never protect them enough. What you said about being a mother, I think you could do it, as long as you truly wanted to have a child, and from what you say you still feel like you want it, and it's only fear that you would be a bad mother, I don't see why. As long as you are respectful and don't beat them, and don't try to live through them or to force hobbies on them,  I don't think your children could hate you because of being too much, maybe they could find you too annoying, but once they grew up they would understand you were actually being a good mother because you were actually paying attention to them. 

What you say about your pride though, I don't know what would happen, I've always wondered if I would be proud with my child if I had one, and I can't tell, I don't even know that child. I could say that maybe I would let that child win, but maybe if I was actually there, if they were too rude or if I didn't care for their character, I wouldn't. Maybe I wouldn't care if I didn't saw them in years. I really can't tell.

So I don't know how it would be for you. It depends, if you swallow your pride when it comes to the people that you already love the most, then you would obviously do the same with your children sometimes. I never swallow my pride, though, so I can't make a guess with that. I'm also too selfish to sacrifice a big part of my life over a kid, it would feel like a sacrifice, and it doesn't feel like that when it comes to romantic love, it doesn't feel like that with animals either. So I really shouldn't have children. 

There are probably a lot of great mothers that are also mentally ill, so maybe that wouldn't be a problem. I don't think it's wishful thinking because you weren't thinking of having children the next year or anything. You don't know how you will feel once you do things like, maybe moving out if you feel like it, maybe being with someone that you actually feel really connected to. So once you are there you'll probably be sure of what you want. And it's then that you should worry about actually becoming a mother or not. 

For now I think that if you feel that you still want to have children, you shouldn't think it's unrealistic, you should just see it for what it is, something that you are not going to do any time soon, so why worry about it.

Even if you thought you would be the perfect mother, you could suddenly drop dead or something. Maybe even planning anything at all is unrealistic then. So it doesn't really matter and if you want children and if you know you will love them and if you won't see them as sacrificing your time you should keep thinking that it's very likely that you will want to have them when you are ready.

I understand what you say about Kylo wanting to be like Anakin, and it bothers me but only because I don't care for him but he is also his grandfather so it makes sense that he would admire him since he was so famous, or maybe he just wants to be as strong as Darth Vader and doesn't care about being like him or not, or he would try to seduce Rey talking badly about sand and he didn't make a single sand reference when trying to persuade her to join him. That's probably why she wasn't impressed, she likely hates sand too.

The thing about Anakin and his rage, is just that as I told you, I just like Kylo because I think he is like his lightsaber so I can't see him as ice, I feel it for no reason, to me the lightsaber isn't angry or anything, it's a lightsaber and I can't really see any traits on it, it's just a feeling that both the lightsaber and the character give me.

Or maybe he isn't fire or ice but electricity or something like that. And also, when I feel that his lightsaber is like me as an object, I sort of mean everything about me that isn't romantic love, not the opposite of love or that it blocks it or anything, just everything I am besides that love. Which is so odd, because in a way I feel like there's not much left if you take that love away, but then that lightsaber gives me this really intense feeling, and yeah it's like everything I am without taking romantic love into account. It's also like if I had to explain why I find you interesting too, I don't actually have a reason, I just noticed it was there.

I understand why you like one and not the other. It's just the same as us not liking a lot of TV Shows and books that don't have anything wrong with them, we don't feel it.

I once saw this quote on Tumblr, I can't find it, but it was something like "People act like Kylo Ren is some chess master strategist but he is actually the kid that throws the board and all the pieces from the table when he starts losing", I never thought about him as calculating, I had no doubt that he thought he was. I only see him like that now that you mention it, and it's probably because since he is impulsive sometimes and I'm not impulsive at all, and I'm too calculating, to me he didn't look calculating. 

Let's say that I'm an alcoholic so I don't even notice that someone else drinks a lot because it's nothing compared to my illness. The reason I'm not impulsive at all is because I can't help but think before I act, it's a part of who I am. Even when I'm shouting and really angry, whatever I say and no matter how crazy I look, I mean it, even if I'm acting stupid, I'm well aware that I'm doing it and I think it’s the right thing to do, I'm doing it because I feel like doing it too, not because I'm trying to achieve something, or manipulate someone, I do it because I'm angry. 

My mom breaks things and then she is sorry about breaking them, so she was obviously not in control when she did it then, my girlfriend used to do the same thing, or some people that say things that they didn't mean while they were angry. I just don’t do those things.

I sort of wonder about Kylo now that you said that, I've always thought he was like my mom and like my girlfriend in that sense, like most people, they lose control sometimes. Since I've always just liked him for the sake of liking him, I never stopped to think about his traits that much.

I would think about his relationship with Rey and that has nothing to do with the lightsaber stuff, but it's different, I didn't think about what he was really like while thinking of his interactions with Rey, just that he seemed to be holding back in TFA.

Back when I first got into ASOIAF I did some tests, and most were awful of course, but Tywin Lannister is the result that I got the most, and it makes sense but it doesn't, because I'm not cold and I'm too intense, I just keep my feelings to myself whenever they are something positive, and I'm not ambitious or anything like that, I couldn't be ruthless either. I also got Ned Stark, obviously we are nothing alike but sometimes because of principles and stuff, so I get it, but he was an idiot, I liked him though, just wasn't crazy about him or anything. 

I didn't care for Finn and Rose together but I didn't mind it and I knew from the start that they were going there, confirmed it as soon as I noticed that they were implying Rey and Ben could be romantic, that they even wanted to give Finn fans an option or something. Rose looks like a great character anyway whether she ends up with Finn or not, but I think it's a shame that Disney obviously would never dare to go for Finn and Poe, to me it made sense and was really romantic because he named him and they ran away together and also the jacket thing.

I think the reason you don't care for Kylo and Rey together is mostly that you just don't care for him because of so many things, so it makes sense that you don't see anything appealing, even if the ship made a lot of sense to you and it was healthy, you probably still wouldn't like it because it's just like that. Just as I didn't like Anakin and Padme together when only the second movie was out and he hadn't done anything bad yet.

You don't even need a reason really, and sometimes you don't even have one. At least that's what happens to me sometimes. Like the reason red is my favorite color, I could probably say some stuff about it, but in the end I just like it. When it comes to Rey and Ben though, I felt like writing you a really long explanation so that if you were going to think badly of me because of it at least you got the facts right but also so I knew that I explained it. 

I don't feel like you were articulating anything poorly in your letter, because I still understood everything you were trying to say, sort of why I told you at the start of this letter to just write however you feel like writing.

I think that they could also keep making her relationship with Kylo ambiguous and make him die without anything canon actually happening and think they made everyone happy, I would hate that ending but only because of the death. I wouldn't mind it if Kylo lived and their relationship remained ambiguous.

Something about me and ships though, is that I can't like ships that aren't canon for some reason. So ambiguous is still good, I've had a lot of ambiguous ships, but if she actually ended up with Finn, I wouldn't dislike Rey/Ben but I really wouldn't care about it anymore, I would just think it was nice when I watched the movies and that it was a shame that it didn't go anywhere, but stop caring. And of course that I don't think there's anything stupid about people shipping whatever they want no matter how nonsensical it is. 

I sometimes wondered what was happening inside my girlfriend's head, even if she didn't care about shipping, if she could somehow think that Jaime/Brienne was better, even if it probably only crossed her mind once just to answer me. More proof that I actually love her because I see her as someone I should love unconditionally and not because of however she decides to be. Can you see me judging her entire personality because of a stupid comment she once made about a ship that she didn't even care about. I often wonder if her head is full of donuts, like the Tumblr posts say, she's looking at a wall, lost in thought, and she is seeing donuts, she probably is. That wasn't very sexy of her. When we broke up though, she noticed how actually into shipping I was, and she pretended she was really into Jaime and Cersei on her Facebook. It lasted for less than a month, so now I wouldn't know how she really feels about them.

And then you end your letter saying that you wanted to say a lot of things still but that it didn't matter that much anymore, if you meant that you didn't feel like writing them then of course, but if you stopped just because you think you are not making sense then don't do that, the only reason I noticed any difference in this letter is because you mentioned it a few times. I'm sort of always reading your thoughts and paying attention, and not actually noticing the way that you are writing.

[hereitalkonandon]

I hate people that make noises outside my place.

I wrote this part after I read your letter only to say that I actually enjoy Kylo Ren and why, not that we are alike, or that I even care for who he actually is as a character, it's something complicated and I explained it.

I've known for years, about how much you dislike him so at first I wasn't trying to talk about it, I just ended up doing it and you will see why, but the thing is that I kept writing more and more about it because I feel that's the only problematic behavior that I actually have, I mean, when it comes to you, that it's something you could really hate so the sooner you know my thoughts about it the better, not because I intend to talk about him again but because it's a part of who I am.

And the reason I'm telling you I wrote about this from the start, it's because by the time that I read your letter I had already written for over four hours, not just about Kylo Ren of course but it ended up being annoying enough that it’s probably a third of this letter.

And you were talking about not being bored or tired, so that if this will make you grow tired of me and you already know it you don't bother paying that much attention to my really long letter and you don't waste that much of your time, you just sort of jump straight to those parts (I know you are a curious person, not how much, but probably enough to can't help but want to at least know the reasons that you should dislike me) and think "you are wrong and you are boring, I don't want to talk to you ever again" and move on.

I'll even highlight that part. So, that said I'll write the parts about your letter after this but I obviously wrote them after I had already written so many other things.

I was like her father just in the sense of always worrying about her and trying to take care of her, the sort of things I've already told you really, there's not that much to it.

If she wanted to do something dangerous I would whine about it and try to forbid it and get angry, which is considered misogynist by a lot of people but to me it had nothing to do with gender roles, it's just because I loved her and I was overprotective because I didn't want something bad to happen to her.

As you can see, I don’t care about spacing when I’m writing you letters, I just try to make each chunk have only a few sentences whenever I can so it’s easier to read.

I'm overprotective with my dog too, I'm always afraid of him eating something, he is always inside the house because he has never cared for exercise, and he hates playing, otherwise I would take him to run somewhere, he is now 9 years old, but I don't let him out anyway because I'm scared of him catching something, my mom knows she can't take him anywhere with her because I'm afraid of him getting accidentally lost, and my mom's boyfriend always wants to carry him when he visits but I never let him because I know my dog doesn't want him to carry him, I don't like to do anything that could make him anxious, he only likes my mom, he hates everyone that isn't us.

He is a really spoiled dog and whenever he wants something he barks at us and he doesn't shut up until he gets it. I guess some people would dislike him, but it's not his fault, I made him that way, but also, he isn't aggressive, he is just angry and everything annoys him, bust most of the time he is neutral, he doesn't care for other dogs but food makes him hard (I only give him human food) and he gets so excited he starts trembling, he's always been pretty fat, he was supposed to be a Chihuahua but he isn’t.. 

This one time my girlfriend put lights around her bed and I was telling her she could electrocute herself or that they could cause a fire or that she could strangle herself in her sleep, and she just put the lights around her neck for a while. I don't remember what happened, but I doubt she put them away because of me, what I remember is that it didn't last long.

And then she would never fall asleep unless I read to her, I never get sick but, the few times that I didn't feel that much like reading because my throat was too sore and I was coughing she would whine until I read to her and I would feel bad and do it. 

Sometimes she would call me in the middle of the night because she had a nightmare, she knew I didn't mind, and she would talk about it and get sleepy once again. So when she left I knew she was probably having trouble falling asleep because she was used to it and it made me feel awful.

And I didn't like her going anywhere by herself so if she wasn't with her sisters or with friends that lived near her I had to accompany her because it's dangerous. I was also really jealous so it was helpful too but that's another thing, I'm only talking about this in the sense of worrying about her safety which I feel is something that most parents do. I am a year and two months older.

Other than that I wasn't really like her dad, we were extremely mean to each other because we were so young when we met, so we were probably more like siblings. People didn't understand our relationship when they saw the way we treated each other, they were expecting us to kiss or hold hands, and say nice things to each other, I guess. We didn't look like a couple. We were often fighting so I usually didn't try anything unless she started it, because I didn't want her to reject me. I always liked getting close to her even if I was angry so I never pushed her away, but I knew she would push me away if she was mad so I never tried, I was talking about all sort of contact, be it a hug or even tell her something affectionate

We started seeing each other when I was 18 and she was 17, and she had been with a lot of men already, at least she said that, and when we were friends she was always talking about it so it was probably true. But I remember that the first sexual thing between us was a month before I turned 20, because by then I had seen that men were always pressuring women for sex so when I was young I always thought that I would never do that and she's the one that started trying things.

But thinking back, ever since the first month, she would make jokes and be very graphic, but she would talk like a man, she would ask me to get on my knees and suck her dick, and really mean stuff, so I would say I wouldn't and she would keep talking like a man and calling me a slut and names, she was so stupid and sometimes she would spend an hour telling me that I wouldn't leave that place without sucking her dick first, but I never let her win, I was always a lady and would say I wouldn't and tell her to go to hell.

So I sometimes wonder if she was trying to make me say that stuff back because in the end she was really submissive once it actually started happening, back then I thought she was joking, and I'm still not sure if she was trying to push me to start something.

Well, anyway, I already told you I wasn't going to, so I never did. So maybe she got tired of waiting or maybe she didn't want to yet. Once she started it though, I ended up pressuring her during the first year or so (but then I stopped once she told me once or twice how it made her feel) because I obviously ended up enjoying it too much and I thought it was respectful because she had already started it, but I know it was wrong now, I never tried to force her, I was just too annoying back then and I would keep insisting.

The thing is, that I'm not sure if then she thought about it and wanted me to keep insisting, because for the rest of our relationship whenever I tried something because she was in a good mood or neutral  if I gave up after the first time when she refused, then she would say that I was being too calm. And I would say she said she didn't want it that of course I had to stop, and she would say that she was surprised anyway, and I would say if I did she judged me but that if I didn't she would criticize me anyway, because it started sounding like she was disappointed. And she would then start touching me and be really into it. So it wasn't entirely my fault to be confused and she was probably confused about what she wanted often too. But yeah I never pressured her again after the first year. So it wasn't some weird father and daughter sick game either, but there's really not much to it other than me worrying about her.

When we were young and even after we started dating we were both so into stupid sandwich jokes and all sort of cringe-worthy things that we saw on the internet. We were never actually sexist but I can't remember why I would ever find that sort of thing funny.

I agree that maybe your boyfriend would feel too much pressure if you tried to somehow make him responsible for you, I know that's not what you meant, but some men end up seeing it like that. It's mostly because they are too mediocre and too scared. Not talking about your boyfriend, but of men as a whole. I was so mediocre too when it comes to other things, I have no doubt. But maybe he would actually try harder if you told him.

I find the comparison with Gatsby flattering because of the way that you put it and since you seem to like him because I've seen some stuff on your blog, so of course that it's a good thing. I only read the book and I didn't care for it (never watched any movie) because it gave me a bad feeling, for so many reasons, I can't remember it that well now so I couldn't tell you why, just that I didn't enjoy it, old sport.

I don't think I'm like him that much, but we are alike in the things that you said. But the thing is that when I was reading it, and while I didn't relate to who he was, I also felt like him, that it was obvious that she didn't care that much for him and everyone knew it, he was the only that didn't notice.

So I kept thinking he was so stupid and wondering if I was behaving just like him. But I would think "no, because maybe she truly loves me, and I'm also not idealizing her like he is, so he is stupid and I'm not."

I can definitely understand how you would think that even if you find him similar to me in other ways. And maybe back then I was being stupid and didn't get Daisy, because even if I didn't care for Jay at all, he actually annoyed me, I remember thinking that Daisy and Tom deserved each other. And maybe I was being unfair to her because I remember he was an abusive husband. But yeah I wouldn't know that, I don't remember anything, maybe I would still dislike her.

There's this quote "So I walked away and left him standing there in the moonlight, watching over nothing", when Jay stays outside in case he has to protect her from Tom. I remember I felt so awful when I read that, it made me think about my life, and whenever he reminded me of myself I felt like crying because I thought he was so stupid. That maybe that was the life I was leading. I still don't know how she actually feels, how deep it actually is if she feels anything at all.

Because of your dream, I'm not handsome but I wouldn't say I'm that ugly (I know I told you before that I actually like myself but I try to picture how most people see me when I talk about being ugly or not), some gay men have liked me but that's probably because I look so much like a twink even if I don’t behave like one, in the sense that I’m skinny and I’ve a sort of girly face, and some men love twinks.

I like looking like one, but I couldn't look different if I tried to anyway. I also look younger than I am. My ex-girlfriend used to say I looked 13 back when I was 20, but maybe I've started aging now even if I don't have any wrinkles.Two of my girlfriend's friends told her I was prettier than her, but though she has a round face she also has a squared jaw, so it was probably that and not that I'm pretty, another friend told her I was weird-looking.

I don't mind that you use fictional stuff to talk about me because I've barely interacted with real people as I've said, I used to, when I was young, but with other relatives and things like that. I'm always talking about characters too because of that, I have no experience with people. And even if I had interacted with a lot of people it still wouldn’t bother me of course.

I understand what you say about dreams because I dreamed that my mom gifted me a ring with my name and then in that same dream someone also gifted me a robe with my name, maybe my mom too, and the silly thing is that I think it had a small drawing of a scene from Street Fighter and I hadn’t thought about that game in forever, and only played it with my cousins when I was really young. I never cared about any character in particular, when it came to fighting games I always chose the guy that looked the least ugly, but not one of the super muscular ones either. The small drawing was a scene of a storm probably. The parts about my name were obviously because I had just written about that in another letter.

I'm not scared of you only of being inappropriate without realizing it and of turning into that one guy that keeps messaging me, and I don't think there's anything frail about me, but I think it was because I've talked about so many painful things and about emotions and how you have helped me with it even without trying.

And I'm terrified of intimacy, not because I'm afraid I'll get hurt. It's something else and it's hard to explain because I don't have words for it, I don’t understand how it feels.

And I've also told you about this and my mom trying to hug me for years but that I never let her and she stopped. So what you dreamed makes a lot of sense, dreams are often nonsensical but this one isn't.

I understand what you say about knowing me even if you don't know who I am because I've read some books and never watched the movies and I still know who the characters were even if I never actually saw them.

I would never get tired of you, I've told you before, only if you hated me, since I’m way too proud and selfish to pay attention to someone that has something against me, but that’s about it. This is also why I suspect that I would stop loving my girlfriend immediately if I could know that she doesn’t love me.

At first I was mostly afraid of this going on for a long time, and that isn't bad, but of my ex-girlfriend eventually coming back, not now, I've always thought that if things are ever okay with her, that will be in at least ten years from now, and I always put romantic love first and I let it consume me, so I didn't want to end up doing something mean. Not insulting you, but just dropping you as I've always dropped everything (not people because I've never really had anyone to drop other than my family and I can't drop them), and it wasn't even because I thought you would get hurt, we talk to each other but you have a life and all and friends and a boyfriend now but maybe even more boyfriends in the future and then even kids and traveling, I know all of that.

But I still knew that it would be something wrong, to just drop someone because she came back. I didn't want to do something like that even if it wouldn't hurt you. I didn't want to be the one to end something. But then I often think of how unlikely it is for her to ever come back, she knows my thoughts on love, I don't think she will ever share them, even if she truly loved me, she knew the ending would be the same, I can't stop being jealous as long as she keeps liking every man around her, and I don't see why she would stop because that's a part of who she is.

She's as passionate as a cactus as I've told you before, so she can actually stay away just because of rational thoughts even if she actually wanted to be with me so much, as I’ve also told you, the reason she had wanted to leave me for years was because I was so jealous, she couldn't, but it's different, she's gone now, and it's just easier to stay away.

So I know I was being stupid. And there's also the fact that you will very likely stop eventually, however long that takes, so I'm an idiot to be worrying about that, but I always think about everything because I don't like doing things that feel wrong, I always think about the consequences too.

I would always think "I'm not a normal person, I should stop this and apologize" and feel uncomfortable but then whenever I read a letter it would go away and I would really feel like answering, and I sort of kept doing the same thing over and over and each time it felt better. And I love everything you say, and that we write to each other, but I sort of never planned it, I didn’t think you would actually care to know me after the first letter, but I wasn’t afraid of an answer either, well, as I said, only because of the consequences of my actions. But I never thought I would be here so back then that wasn’t even a worry.

I've no boundaries really, because you talk about respecting them, it was just that. Nothing you say could make me uncomfortable so anything is good. 

That's what keeps me away from people. When it comes to women, ever since she left even saying hi would make me feel like I was doing something wrong. When it comes to men, I wouldn't feel anything, but I find most of them stupid even when they are smart and I really have no interest in approaching anyone, man or woman, anyway. And not that I ever said hi to any woman either, it's just a way of explaining it.

I love about six people at most. Animals don't count, I've always loved them no matter what, every single animal because animals are all innocent since they don't know any better, I love them by default then, I don't even have to know them, I never feel uncomfortable when I hug my dog, I do it all the time, I feel happy when I think about how much I love any animal that I see.

I feel so odd when I think about feelings when it comes to people, it feels so wrong, something got so messed up when my girlfriend left and I can only feel my love for her when it comes to people. I can't explain it, but it started right after she left. It's like my heart was so broken that it lost a lot of its functions. I remember that back when I lived with my grandma, before I met my ex-girlfriend, I used to love her so much, it makes me uncomfortable to write this, because of how messed up I am now, even talking about something I used to feel makes me feel odd, dirty, I know that nothing was wrong with me before. I eventually loved my mom as much as I loved my grandma, after I moved from my grandma's house, but I loved them the same, now it's just a distant memory.

I would die for any of them if I had to, but only because I know that's the right thing to do. And that I still love them, it's just that I don't care to look for it, and I don't mind not feeling it. This never bothers me, I never think of it because I don't care, not because I've to push it away. I cried anyway, but just some tears. It's only because I'm thinking about it, and writing about it. But I don't mind it, and I know most people would be worried if they felt like I feel.

I said you would get tired of me because of what I wrote about Kylo Ren but that's just fiction, I didn't know I would write these other things I've just written, perhaps that would make more sense, to see how messed up I am. I don't feel guilty about it because I know it's not my fault, that I didn't choose it even if I'm choosing not to do anything about it. I've never been able to hate myself over things that I didn't choose. I'm too rational for that. I often see when characters and some people write about hating themselves over things that they didn't choose, and it doesn't make sense to me, so I don't experience that.

I don't even feel like I want to change, the thought of loving them again even makes me somehow disgusted. But I know it’s wrong anyway, that I should want to change this. That it's not how a human feels. But as I've told you before, I can worry about them, and I often feel pity towards people that I don't even know if something really bad happens to them or if they are really sad, I can feel so sad over their feelings, whenever I read something someone said on the internet, not to me, just random people, or some stories.

Basically I can feel every human emotion, strongly than everyone else, just not love towards anyone but my girlfriend. I know romantic love is different, but I feel two different loves towards my girlfriend, one is as a woman, and the other one is as a person, and I can remember that's what I used to feel towards some people. That's how I know it's gone, I can only feel it for her now, and it's also the love that I've always been able to feel towards animals.

The things after this are the ones that I wrote before reading your letter. I know the part of your letter about me explaining myself ended up being just some sentences but that made me write about a lot of my thoughts that are related to that topic so I don't think it's pointless to send that too.

I didn't feel that last later was any different because what I usually do is talk about you or about myself anyway. I had already noticed that you feel the need to correct people when they misunderstand something when it comes to you, I've always been that way because it really bothers me when I'm being misinterpreted, that's one of the reasons why I'm so specific all the time and end up talking so much too, other than just enjoying talking and writing for the sake of it too, and many other reasons too. Like what I've just done right now, a lot of people would just say "that's one of the reasons why I'm so specific all the time and end up talking so much too" and not feel the need to say "this other reason comes to my mind right now, though, I know that's not the only reason." 

People still manage to often get things wrong but that's because they want to, because they are not paying attention, let's say I've just told someone I was in my bed, and the color of the blankets, and it has nothing to do with the story, that then I even go out of my way to tell some other story about my bed even and I go back to the main story, but that five minutes after that I'm asked "oh, and where were you while this was happening?'' so I have to say "I told you I was in my bed, remember I even had to tell you another story about my bed just because I mentioned it."

I know that there are things I can't possibly know for sure, so I never like to affirm anything when I'm aware that it's that sort of situation, that's why I said I was only guessing a couple of times, so whenever I say I’m just guessing I truly mean that I don’t consider those things a part of your character yet, because for all I know it isn’t true. So whenever I'm guessing things, I'm just saying whatever ideas that come to my head, but that I think could have some true to them, I wouldn't really say a lot of nonsensical things because that would make my letters way longer, but if I did say them I would be aware that the things that seem logical could be just as wrong. That's why in your other letter I never felt like you were accusing me or that I had to explain myself,a lot of our letters are normally about explaining ourselves.

One of the things that bothers me about being misunderstood, when someone gets a fact wrong, is that I try really hard to never do things that I consider wrong, just me, I couldn't care less if most people think it's wrong. So I hate the idea of people judging me because of something that isn't even true. I know that I shouldn't even care about that, ideally.

And I don't, but in the sense that, they are free to think whatever they want about me as long as it's because of who I am or because of something I actually did or thought, not their idea. Even if I do whatever I want, I don't actually do anything problematic, but because I don't feel like it.

Let's say, my views on incest, they are problematic, I couldn't care less. That's the sort of thing I'm talking about, and if someone wanted to hate me because of it, it wouldn't make me feel anything. But if someone wanted to hate me because they thought I stole a dollar but I didn't, I would be so angry. And I know I shouldn't care, and I wouldn't really care about their opinion, but it would make me so angry for a long time if for some reason I couldn't tell them the truth, if I told them the truth and they didn't believe me I wouldn't care about their opinion any longer either, I would feel that I did my part.

Because I honestly don't care about what people think about me, but I've always struggled with that one thing ,it drives me crazy when they are judging me for something that isn't even true (not that it happened that often but the few times it did), and of course I'm told "ignore it, why do you care, you know it isn't true", maybe it's because I like being fair, so it irks me that perhaps that person is okay, and wouldn't be judging me if they actually paid attention or heard the actual story, that they would have nothing against me but they are choosing to be a moron.

I can't write even ten sentences without being unnecessarily specific all the time, therefore I always understand when people need to clarify things.

There's even this belief, and I get it "I don't have to explain myself to you" my grandma sometimes would tell me not to explain myself, that it wasn't any of their business. But I don't agree, I don't think people should explain themselves. But I need to explain myself, because of what I said, not because their final opinion matters to me, but because I don't want them to believe whatever they want about me. My grandma is the only person that sometimes goes out of her way to tell me "don't explain yourself, don't do it",  but she sort of already knows that I don't do it because I feel that I owe anyone an explanation, that it's about me.

These Tumblr jokes about letting men believe they are right just because it's funny, I could never do that, I don't find it funny when a girl says "I like to pretend to be stupid because it's so funny when men buy it, they are so stupid", to me she is also stupid. Why would anyone enjoy making people think she's stupid, maybe she's not stupid overall but that one thing is what someone stupid would do so I can't help but think "I know how stupid men are but maybe they wouldn't be that stupid to believe that you are stupid." But I also couldn't do it because of what I said, that it bothers me when people judge me over things that aren't even real.

Something that bothers me too is when they think I like something I don't like, this doesn't make me angry. I never liked Twilight, so if someone thought I liked it and was fine with it and all, it wouldn't make me angry but it would still make me really anxious and I would feel the urge to explain I never liked it. 

Maybe that part is just narcissism, thinking myself so important that I'm bothered by anyone getting small details about me wrong. I can't help but be bothered by those things whatever the reason anyway.

I never have arguments over the internet, because I don't talk to people, but sometimes I feel this need to answer, and I still don't do it, because they are not actually talking to me, if they were, I couldn't stop myself and I would have to answer, but since they don't even know I'm reading,  I just close the window, a lot of things make me angry and I would spend all day fighting stupid people and that's not something I enjoy.

Stupid people really make me angry. Not when someone is stupid, they can't help that, but when they are saying hateful things or criticizing something and they are not even right. Sometimes I need to answer even if it's just some random internet fight that has nothing to do with me, but it has happened less than ten times in the last ten years. I just don't bother.

I know you hate Kylo Ren so making you read this is annoying, but this one time someone said (and though I don’t want him to die, I don’t care that much whether he dies a villain or not) "Don't say you like Han Solo if you want Kylo Ren to be redeemed, you don't like Han Solo if you want that, if you actually loved Han Solo you would hate Kylo Ren, I actually love Han Solo, so you don't love Han Solo even if you say you do", I can't remember the quote but it looked like a Donald Trump tweet and she was being serious, and the way that person said it, she was telling you an absolute truth, there are billions of people in the world, but no, she was right and you magically didn't like Han Solo, oh, I think you even hated Han Solo if you didn't want Kylo to die.

So, she was being so stupid, I couldn't stop myself that one time. I told her that most good parents love their children, that Han Solo was a good man, that you could clearly tell he had forgiven him even when he didn't deserve forgiveness, even when he was entitled to hate his son. That if you could ask Han Solo if he wanted what was best for his son he would say that of course that's what he wanted. That no father worthy of being called a father would say "no, I want my son to rot because he murdered me".  Now, I can't read Han Solo's thoughts and I told her that, but that when he touched his face, he was clearly not hating his son, that it was up to her, however.

Months later I read that he actually forgave him before he died, a quote from a book. That didn't shock me, I don't even want a son but I would forgive him too, because you love them over yourself, it's not about what they deserve. So, I told her, I had liked Han Solo since I was a boy and that I was so angry when he died in TFA, that she could keep saying for the rest of her life that I didn't, but that wouldn't make it true and that people would keep liking Han Solo no matter how much she whined, that was about it because I had nothing else to say to that person, it was a year ago, after The Last Jedi, and the last time I argued with someone over the internet, since I just don't do that.

Unlike that person, I'm aware that people can like whatever they want, so I know that people can love Han Solo and want a lot of bad things to happen to his son too. I like Han Solo, but at this point I don't really care for him that much, it was just the way that person was speaking and how wrong she was with her belief of "if you love someone then it makes perfect sense, and it's actually the only right answer, to want the worst for that person's son, that person sure would be thrilled, because you know, parents take it so well when bad things happen to their children."

When I was 13 Han Solo was my favorite character ever and it lasted until I was about 16, I've always been more or less the person that I am today, but back then I was a lot like him in my behavior and the way I talked, now I'm nothing like him, that's why I slowly stopped caring less and less, not because of something he did, just because there wasn't anything connecting me to him, and I've already told you that I just can't care that much for characters that I can't relate to.

He was still a good memory, but they ruined it when they killed him, so I cared even less. When they kill a fictional character, I know a lot of people think it's deep, I hate death, so to me, it just makes me think "well, he is dead and death is boring, the character is now boring, thanks, I don't care anymore", unless the character becomes a ghost, then that's even better since I dream of becoming immortal. As far as I know Han Solo didn't become a ghost, not that I cared that much by then anyway. It still made me so angry when they killed him. Not at Kylo Ren, though, at the person that had that oh so deep oh so original idea.

I also thought of this, because of what I was saying, people misunderstanding. So everyone knows the absolute truth about people that like Kylo Ren, not that I have any problem with people that like him for who he is even if that's not my case, he is fictional.

It's just a coincidence that he happens to be Han Solo's (the first character ever that I was crazy about back when I was young) son, I never thought of it like that when I was watching The Force Awakens, I've never liked him for Han's sake.

The only reason I like him is because I ignore everything he does, I've told you that I've never felt that people are as intense as I am, that I know they are but I don't get that same feeling from them, so I can't feel connected to them anyway no matter how deep they actually are, he is my favorite Star Wars male character but not my favorite character ever, I love female villains but I just can't care about men with no principles, but for some reason I get that feeling of intensity from this character.

So while you see really long essays talking about what a good person he is, and how he was sort of justified, and so on and so on (in the same way that Darth Vader was entirely justified to keep murdering innocent people for years), I couldn't care less about that, because I like him because of the feeling that he gives me, not because of the things he does or because of the things he doesn't do.

I thought this was a good example precisely because of what I was talking about. If someone wanted to think I'm an idiot for liking him, I wouldn't care, but it would bother me if they believed I like him because I think he is so misunderstood and he just wants to be loved. Maybe the writers will say he is, but that's never been the reason I like him.

I don't have that much in common with him, but I remember that when I was watching the first movie, at some point, I felt that I was a lot like his lightsaber, the way that his lightsaber looks and the sounds it makes, it's how I feel all the time, the one in the movies though, otherwise it looks like a dildo and it doesn't make me feel anything and I don't identify as a dildo.

As stupid as this is I can't even think of a better object if I had to define myself with just one item. He also reminds me of his lightsaber and that's why I like him too, so I can't put it into words, we share some traits, his anger and his tantrums and he is into brooding, I do these things so often even if I don't break stuff, but we are probably opposites, just like you share some traits with him too and you hate him, like your impulsiveness, before you get offended and wonder how that's even possible, and you are opposites too.

So while I'm talking about this topic and about being misunderstood, when I was watching The Force Awakens, I noticed that the way he stared at Rey, it was completely unnatural.

I didn't know why he was doing that, but I never thought they were siblings or cousins, that was so obvious. Why? I didn't get why everyone was so angry and I'm not actually asking you. That had been done already. What's so bad about not writing the same thing over and over again. Not that it bothers me when they do that, I do it all the time. But why feel entitled to see the same thing happen all over again. If anything, the fact that Luke and Leia were siblings, and that Darth Vader was their father, would make them do anything but make the villain the main character's relative.

Which is why while I loved their scenes in The Last Jedi I also hated that there was an Anakin/Padme parallel, not that there was anything wrong with the actual scene. I've never been into breaking the fourth wall, so watching something that had already happened felt like it, when he asks her to join him and she has the same reaction as Padme. But also because as much as you love Anakin and Padme together I don't care for them, so we agree that we don't want these couples linked to each other and sadly I think they will keep doing that thing in the third film. I've never been into shipping an evil man with a decent woman (sometimes I do it, but very rarely, and there's never been a couple of that kind that I have loved for years), but I often do the opposite. 

When he was staring at her in TFA, getting his face too close to hers, and he actually seemed to be holding back in some way, like he didn't want to hurt her as much as he could, so far he had been shown as someone entirely evil. I didn't know Tumblr's opinion yet or that they were already a thing since I was avoiding spoilers and I watched the movie when it came out, but I could imagine what was happening here and I actually underestimated this one ship as I found out hours later. 

Being obsessed with romantic love, I assumed it was just me and some other idiot, like it usually happens with anything I like, no one else likes it. Take the Lannisters, they are liked but you probably know what I mean anyway.

So I thought "I hope that they keep making him act like this around her for the rest of this movie and in the other two films, and that at their last scene together she doesn't hate him as much because of all the bad things that he will obviously keep doing", having a brain, I thought that was as much as I could expect from that ship, because I had already turned it into a ship. And I often picture how things are going to end even before they start.

Because this is 2015, everything fictional is offensive, everything fictional is abusive, everything is a bad influence, so no, they would never go there, this is for kids, and it's been so heavily implied that they intend to make her end up with Finn, it wasn’t going to happen, but they were idiots, that ship had so much potential. But don’t get any ideas. People never see what you see. So I didn’t get any ideas.

I started explaining this for another reason but as I've been writing I thought of how this is the only actual huge difference between us, that I happen to like him and you hate him, that you love Anakin and I couldn't care less about him, I don't hate him though, I just hate him when he says "so I slaughtered them like animals", I hate it whenever someone uses the word animals as if they were lesser beings, but not when people say things like “I did this stupid thing, because I’m an animal” since they are messy and pretty stupid. And I hate him when he chokes Padme, I know the justifications, I don't care for them, I would never touch a woman, I also know all your thoughts about this too.

I even tried to like him for your sake, I know I didn't have to, it was years ago and back then I never thought of talking to you, I couldn't like him anyway, but whenever I see Anakin, I never see the actor, so I also don’t get it when people criticize him, I didn’t see someone acting, I was seeing the character and I don’t understand why anyone would call that bad acting, I don’t know why some people think the character would be better with another actor then, it’s just the character that they don’t care about. I know I wouldn’t like Anakin if Adam Driver was playing him.

And you really love Padme and Anakin together but their scenes always made me uncomfortable and I couldn't care less about that ship, they no longer make me uncomfortable though because of some sort of exposure therapy from your blog, so now they even remind me of when I was a boy and watching the movies, all the merchandise, I still don't care for their scenes.

To me, what you like or what you hate when it comes to fictional characters makes no difference, but I've seen you block and unfollow people over petty things, for years now, I think you have the right to do that, it's your blog.

Even if I know you will eventually lose interest anyway or run out of things to say to me, if this doesn't stop you I honestly can't think of another reason so that's why I keep annoying you by talking so much about this.

After TFA, I enjoyed how much Tumblr was liking them together and I was so into it, now, since I'm not stupid, and a lot of the fans of this pairing are stupid (no, it's probably because the fandom is huge, not because most of them are stupid), I probably hated six posts out of ten, but I knew they meant well, I still know they mean well so, I wasn't angry at them, just embarrassed, and they still embarrass me often, not that I interact with anyone, ever, but that's just because I never interact with anyone no matter what the fandom or topic is. 

I 'd probably like a couple with a character like Padme with some other guy. There's this book by Elizabeth Gaskell called North and South, it's one of my favorites and I loved that couple, I don't like the BBC adaptation because in my opinion they made it tacky, they took everything I enjoy about it and made it cheesy, so I wouldn't recommend it, I love the actors they chose and the way that things look, but I really don't care for the dialogues and the changes they made to the characters. I bring this up, because as I've been saying for the whole letter I hate it when I'm being misunderstood, just like you do, so I don't want you to ever come across that TV Show and think I enjoyed it.

But the reason I started talking about it it's because the main character was probably a bit like Padme. And then I don't care for Pride and Prejudice (but I read that the author of the other book actually took it as an inspiration), I don't dislike it but I find Mr Darcy boring (so I don't enjoy the parallels the fans try to make between Rey and Ben and Elizabeth and Darcy because first of all what are they even talking about, he is so honorable and nothing like him, but also because I don't care for that couple) but I talk about this because Elizabeth is probably similar to Padme too and I would love that couple if I didn't find him boring.

I don't care for her character that much either but just because she spends the whole book thinking badly about a man just because he was a bit rude. I don't care for him, but to me she didn't look that smart having so many bad thoughts about a man she didn't even know just because he was rude and because of what someone else told her. I know she was smart, but that's the reason. Yes, she changed, but too late, she spends the whole book doing that so I don't enjoy reading it because I don't get her and her misguided thoughts about him make me angry. But all of her flaws wouldn't stop me from shipping it because I always forgive women, it's just what I said, that I find him boring. 

When I was watching The Last Jedi, they were shameless, the moment he appeared without a shirt on, I knew the only reason they took that route was because of the fans, before that I thought that maybe they would help each other to gain points with the Rey and Ben fans but that they wouldn't dare to go there, but that was when I realized that they were actually hinting that Rey and Ben could be romantic, and I appreciated, but I won't lie and say I thought that they always intended to do that, in TFA they just wanted some girls to love him and to have them as some rare pair that would never become canon, so it was politically correct, it was entirely one-sided, and it backfired.

I don't see why most fans would want Finn for Rey over Kylo, and they don’t. Finn is a great guy, but their relationship looked so bland to me, most couples are too bland and too cheese for me anyway, as I've already told you in other letters. Since it's fiction. In real life, of course that no one would (well people are sick) want a girl like her next to a murderer, someone that rotten probably never changes.

But it's fiction, fictional characters do what the writers tell them to do, and the only option they give you is something bland and something intense, so you don't even look at the bland option. I know this could be offensive to you since you like them together but those are just the thoughts I've had from the start, since 2015.

I think the answer was making one of the good guys as intense as Kylo, that way people wouldn't care about some man staring at her creepily. It would be just some rare pair but people would actually want Rey with that imaginary character. Don't you think I would rather watch an interesting couple with a man that actually has principles? I would. But they didn't offer me that in TFA, the creep staring at her offered me that.

So a lot of people end up wanting some female characters with the villain, some do it because they are idiots that get off with abuse, I think most of them just do it because it makes them feel more deeply than the other options. And you understand at least some of it, you love Anakin and you love Cersei, and maybe we wouldn't call them villains, but you probably know what I mean, they rarely bother making the decent characters that complex.

I don't know if he ever truly tried to kill her but if he did it doesn't bother me, they were/are enemies, it would be crazy if you were trying to be respectful and caring with your enemy, though that's actually what made me like them in TFA too, to me he seemed to be holding back. When people say their relationship is abusive it makes me laugh, it can't be abusive because their romantic relationship doesn't even exist yet. And the term "abusive enemy relationship",why wouldn't it be, enemies are even supposed to hate each other.

So if they actually had a romantic relationship and he was abusing her, of course I doubt I would care for it in the first place, a man abusing his partner turns me off. Well, you even saw how I immediately stopped telling you that maybe you would be with your ex-boyfriend someday because of true love as soon as you told me he had done some things without caring about hurting you. I don't enjoy that in fiction either.

Something that makes me think that maybe that relationship won't happen though and that I'm sure probably gives you hope because you hate the thought of it and you likely noticed, is that he asks them to shoot the Millennium Falcon. I'm not sure if he knew she was boarding it,  until the last movie comes out, I don't go out of my way to find facts because I like having something to look forward to once I'm out of movies if I happen to still like them, but to me it would make sense that he knew because he could feel her.

If so, then I don't think that the writers would think it's a good idea to have him try to murder her if they actually wanted anything romantic to happen. But maybe he was just so overwhelmed by everything that was happening around him that he didn't feel their sort of bond back then, that's why I didn't dislike them as a couple after that scene, maybe I would still like it even if he knew, since they weren’t even friends even if something were to happen in the future, he didn’t know that yet.

And I don't know, maybe the third movie will make me stop caring about them, but just talking about TFA and TLJ, I really like them. It's not my favorite couple but it's one of my three favorite couples. I always find everything so cheesy or lacking so I can't even manage to find things to ship.

But also, I've a lot of Kylo Ren merchandise, and the reason I do that, is because there's never any merchandise about the characters that I love, because most people never care for the things that I like, so this one time I got lucky and I enjoy being able to actually find things about a character that I love everywhere. Take Superman, he is so boring even if I loved him when I was 8, my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend is obsessed with him, and he has a lot of merchandise. But it's been easy for him, he is into characters that are popular with everyone and that are everywhere. 

I think that as an adult, after I became who I've been for so many years, the only male character that I like that is this popular has been him. I wouldn't say that Jaime Lannister actually counts, I don't think he is that popular next to the other Game of Thrones characters. Not like Jon Snow and Danielle,or Tyrion. And I've already told you that I know I'll hate Jaime for good if he murders her, he probably will.

I believe that if I actually had thousands of characters where to choose from, I wouldn't even notice Kylo Ren. But those characters just don't exist so I take anything decent that this world offers me and I cling to it, because that only happens every six years or so.

And I know I probably didn't cover as much even if I talked a lot, that there are many reasons for you to hate that couple and that character, but I actually have an answer for everything, it's just stupid to argue about it. It doesn't mean you would find my answers reasonable, but I've already talked too much about a topic that you don't care about. So, I think you've read enough about me in my other letters to know that I hate abuse, misogyny, racism, to understand that I'm not into this pairing because of any of that and that it you will still judge me because I like it, you will do it anyway no matter what I say

So I'm assuming that if you are not annoyed by this you will just let this topic go because I've already taken so much of your time by making you read this, not that I would mind talking about it, it's just that I know people usually find it boring when they have to talk about something they don't care about. I know that if you ignore this and keep writing to me it's not because you agree with me but because you don't mind that I enjoy this, and that's why I'm not expecting any answer regarding this part of the letter, but also why I would understand if you don't want to answer my letter at all and I wouldn't judge you because of it.

Before I met you, I wouldn't hate people over fictional things, but I would rule them out over it, I would look at them and think that liking or disliking a fictional couple or a character defined who they were, just in my life though, never who they actually were as a person for other people, I knew that was a different thing. 

If they had told me "By the time you turn 28 you will think that as of that day someone who considers Anakin and Padme one of her favorite (#2) couples is the most interesting woman you've ever known." I would have said that they were ugly and wrong and stupid. But I was moron back then.

It's odd that maybe this is the letter that's taken me the longest to write, over 18 hours, but some damn woman was yelling, happily, but she wouldn't shut up, and I've a lot of trouble paying attention, I need everything to be silent. So after struggling so much, I plugged my ears and I turned the fan on, now I'm cold but I'm finally done.

If you do answer though I hope that this is actually the last time that I write you such a long letter.

[hereitalkonandon]

It’s me, I’m still a piece of garbage.

I accidentally wrote something extremely long yet again. I can’t understand how I managed to do that. So now I’ll probably spend as many hours attempting to erase as many sentences as I can.

[hereitalkonandon]

I’ve actually learned to stop writing messages whenever I’m about to start a letter.

It’s not that I actually learned anything, it’s just that ever since you started following me, I know they will appear on your dashboard so I try to not do it as often because it’s annoying. 

But anyway, I haven’t read your letter, because I saw the first few sentences, so I just wanted to write something fast, about how it was okay and I didn’t feel like I was explaining myself or anything and just writing like we always do, and then I would go back to sleep and later edit that accordingly, once I actually read your whole letter, but then I started talking about so many things and that was almost three hours ago so I won’t be able to go back to sleep, but also, that I haven’t read your letter yet and will finish writing what I’m writing and then read it, and then actually answer it, and it will probably take a while, this is just because I noticed that you answered me earlier than usual so I’m trying to answer earlier than usual too.

I know I don’t have to. And I could probably just pretend I didn’t see it, but the problem is I can’t do that, I saw it, so I started answering. So yeah that’s why I usually avoid opening this Tumblr at all unless I know I won’t have to interrupt something (like my sleep) if there’s a letter because I’ll have to answer. But I have been having trouble sleeping for a while now so maybe I would be awake no matter what. 

[hereitalkonandon]

Porgs

I already know you don't put up with nonsense and all of that, what I meant is that maybe you would tone it down two times out of ten, and that you should make it one time out of ten but ideally zero out of ten. I noticed I wrote the fractions wrong last night.

But I already knew you are not a pushover, I can't find that one post of course because it's so old, but it basically said you would sometimes not speak your mind about a stupid compliment because you wanted to be accepted/liked, something like that, by men that you like, I wouldn't know if you meant, admiration or attraction by now since I don't remember the quote, or maybe it was someone else's post and then you added a tag, but it wasn't about them being mean, they were actually thinking they were complimenting you and calling you special by saying you are not like other girls.

So, I was just guessing, that maybe you were only at 90% instead of 100% in that sort of situations, to not be too much until you felt comfortable or maybe to not be mean since their intentions were good even if they were being stupid.

But I would never assume you allow people to walk over you, or that you don't speak your mind most of the time, just that maybe you would ignore a few things that you would rather not ignore.

But I was probably wrong because as I said I have no idea of the way that you behave outside your blog with the people that you respect but that you are not comfortable around, I was only guessing because of that one post and maybe four or five other posts.

I was thinking about me too, I'm a lot for most people, but as man, at worst I would get called overdramatic or too intense, but it's fine, a man can be overdramatic and a man can be too intense, they don't make a big deal out of it.

If they did, I still wouldn't stop, as you probably wouldn't, I've lived at 100% ever since I'm 17 or so and couldn't care less and I never once have tried to tone it down in the slightest. Until I met you, but that's different, I'm just so concerned with not being disrespectful because I've never approached anyone for anything, so I feel, as I said, that it's up to me not to be rude, that it's my responsibility because all of this was unasked for.

But of course I hide so many things when it comes to feelings, but just positive feelings, things that mean I care about something, out of some reputation, but it's not even about being masculine. I used to be so into Hello Kitty, it started at 19 or so and it stopped once my girlfriend left, and I told everyone how into it I was, and then I still like her now I just don't care that much. My room wasn't full of Hello Kitty things or anything but I own all that merchandise still. I've always liked Snoopy better but Hello Kitty merchandise was everywhere. I love Porgs now.

But I don't think the things someone likes make him masculine anyway, most men are so concerned about it. I’m only worried about my principles. I've seen men that are obsessed with superheroes and fighting and they are not masculine at all. And I know it doesn't matter if you are feminine or masculine, but most people would say I'm pretty masculine and I'm usually into cute things. I certainly couldn't care less about violence other than spaceships shooting other ships, lightsabers, and sword fights, and then I know you like superheroes so it isn’t meant as an offense but I find them so boring, and movies about people shooting each other too, I just don’t see the appeal.

I've seen a lot of women that hide all their positive feelings too and I wouldn't say they are being masculine, I just can't think of the word right now but I know that what I'm protecting isn't my masculinity because if I were a woman I would also try to protect whatever reputation I’m protecting, I've just always kept compliments and all that sort of things to myself. I've never hugged anyone, kissed anyone, or told anyone I loved them other than my girlfriend, but I also never felt the need to do those things with other people, I don’t have to hide anything, it’s just not there to begin with. So other than that I always say what I'm thinking and do whatever I want to do.

But even if I didn't mean what you thought I meant, I can assume now that you speak your mind at 100% too no matter what the situation is and that you also do what you want. Other than when you could put your life at risk, but that's just like when you avoid walking alone at night as I've read that you do. Men are awful and that's reality, there's nothing to be gained by ignoring that fact.

And of course you never said anything stupid about my relationship, because everything you said could also apply to someone that had a bond as long as mine if what they truly needed was to move on. Even if we had met at 5 and I were 60 now, and she was over me and truly loved another man and believed he is the love of her life. I would be an idiot to refuse to try to get over her and move on with my life. And anyone with common sense would tell me the same things you told me. It's just that my beliefs are too specific.

What you said about your ex-boyfriend, I understand how our emotions can make us have thoughts that are the opposite of what we truly think a day or two afterwards, even if I'm not impulsive at all, and if I really think before I act, if I'm so stubborn and sure of what I want, it happens to me, just five minutes at a time or so, but I feel it sometimes too.

I have said it before but at this point I highly doubt I love her because of who she is, I probably haven't loved her because of who she is since 2014 or so, at that point it started being as if I were her dad and I owed it to her, but I have never forced myself, it's there.

I don't want her to be someone else but I don't think I'm ever going to say that I can't get over her because there is no one like her. The one thing that I hate about her, other than things that have to do with other men, is how chill she is, it bothers me so much. And I know she will always be that way. And I feel like punching all chill people (not her) but not actually, they just frustrate me when I try to understand how their brains work but I don't feel any hate towards them, they aren't hurting me.

I've never been in a fight. I think you shouldn't hit someone unless they hit you first and no one has tried to hit me yet, and you can't hit women either no matter what of course. 

You have your dumb child and that's what parenthood means. I took care of her for so long, in the sense that I spent so many years worrying about her, the way parents do, to me it makes sense that at some point I ended up just living for her safety and well-being, while I'm so proud and had to put my pride first, therefore we are not in contact anymore.

It's just because I know I wouldn't be able to stop yelling and getting so angry if she started talking about men and it's my right to not want to pretend I care to hear that, but I never told her this when I said I wouldn't be her friend. She knows anyway, it's obvious.

I love her like this because of who I am not because of anything in her. It doesn't mean she is a boring person either, she's not like most people. We were so alike sometimes but I don't think she shaped me or that our memories together shaped me, my love for her is probably what shaped me and it has nothing to do with her.

I don't want children but even if I ever did, I wouldn't dare. I feel like you should only have a child if you can make him your priority in your feelings too, not just with your actions, that you should know you would never love anyone over your child and I've already failed that step without even trying, I know who I am and that I could never put anything over romantic love.

But what you said about it taking you a long time to get over that relationship, after my break up I read that it usually takes you at least half the time that you spent together. So knowing who I am, I always assumed it would take me about ten years anyway, and I'm not who I used to be, my feelings are so strange, but I can't say I feel as awful as when she left, that makes me think that maybe in two years it will be better than now too, whether I still love her or not, because right now I love her just as much, the pain is just different.

I know you aren't normal, I just meant you are able to feel any love at all for your family and for your friends, for your boyfriend even when you don't feel as connected to him as you would like, the fact that you can feel love for anyone other than a soul mate, I know that's normal, but I can't do that anymore.

Other than that you are obviously not like most people, I've seen about half your blog and I've a good memory. The special snowflake jokes people keep making on Tumblr, only make me think that the ones making them truly have no idea that there are people that are just different, and if they were different they would know it themselves.

I know you are not trying to sound edgy, I'm old enough and you are the first person like yourself that I know of. I'm aware though that sometimes they make that sort of jokes about people that choose a lot of weird labels and odd interests just in order to feel special, and I don't mind them but that's stupid, that doesn't say anything about their actual character.

I've never assumed that you were in a position to help me though, I merely noticed that you were helping me anyway, even if I didn't want to, that to keep interacting with someone that I could relate to was fixing something inside me, what you were talking about had nothing to do with it. Just the act itself. 

And the fact that I realized that I'm able to feel all those things again if I ever want to can't be erased, not even if you murdered my entire family and I ended up hating you, which is something stupid, but just so you understand.

Because of you I'm sure it can be done now. That it’s just up to whatever I decide to do. For now I'm perfectly happy being trash but the problem is I keep feeling more like who I used to be before, and I know it's not a bad thing and that it would be an awful thing to fight it, not awful, but that it would be wrong so I don't fight it, but I struggle, because I feel like fighting it often.

Yeah, when I write in my journal no one is reading it and I don't want them to, but I start feeling better just by doing that. But I don't understand why you say that people around you don't care that much for the kind of things you are telling me, I know you must be right if you are seeing it, but they love you, they should care.

At the same time though, people that love me listen to me, but I understand what you mean now that I think about it, it's just that it doesn't bother me. Precisely because I'm messed up and I don't mind anything that isn't about my break up. So I don't feel alone or anything, but I never did even before I met her. I feel misunderstood way too often, though, but again, I don’t mind it.

It bothers me that I don’t feel that people are as intense as me, I know there are a lot of intense people, it doesn’t feel like the same wavelength though, I’m not even talking about likes and thoughts, it’s something different, I’ve never seen it, I wish more fictional characters were like that, I said fictional characters because I know that if I found fifty people that had that thing that I’m talking about but can’t explain I wouldn’t bother with them anyway, I would like them, but I enjoy being alone and not having a social life. I never have enough time, for some reason. I don't actually mind if no one cares about what I have to say or my interests. 

What is new to me is that you aren't often thinking about the other guy, and I thought that maybe you were confused or annoyed because you thought that maybe you could get what you wanted from him. I read the post where you said you were disenchanted when you actually went out with him to eat or something, but I didn't know the reason, so I thought you could still be into it.

I don't know if it was an experiment, but what I know is that it sounds like a terrible idea and I see why you lost your interest. It could be that he kept talking about her because she was such a big part of his past.

For a while now, sometimes I end up talking about her because she has something to do with what I'm saying, she was always in my past, and the point is that if I avoided talking about her, I would have to modify the story or sometimes even lie about it, I don’t lie, I don’t like it. The first letter I wrote to you, it was so long, and it talked about me, I didn’t mention her once and yet, everything I said about her gives you a better description of who I am. I could see how talking about your ex-girlfriend doesn't necessarily mean you aren't over her but I also know that sometimes that's exactly what it means.

So if you say he wasn't over her, he probably even told you himself and it's usually what it means. Maybe one time out of ten it's not what it looks like. 

I enjoy that you talk more about yourself when you answer me, I enjoy your thoughts no matter what they are, but the more you talk about yourself the more I can try to talk less about myself. I sort of always end up doing that.

I spent so much time on your blog, because of you of course, at first you didn't even know I was doing it. So it makes sense that I actually love to know about you. I already know everything about me, I just talk a lot, and I enjoy writing about anything really.

But whenever you write a new letter I read it plenty of times and think about everything you say, and when I don't say anything is just because I would rather not write a forced answer and end up writing something dumb just for the sake of writing it. I wish I had something to add about everything you tell me. 

I've always been too selfish and it suits me. Just not with my ex-girlfriend. I try to not be selfish with you and maybe I fail, I try, not because it makes me feel good about myself, it doesn't because it's not about that (I've always felt good about myself already),but because it makes me feel human.

I told you before that once I start writing something I can't stop until I finish, so that's why I'll actually keep losing sleep if I have to when it comes to sending you an answer. But it's just because of who I am. These two weeks though I haven't been sleepy at all, so I barely sleep and that's why I'm often falling asleep at night when I'm writing to you.

[hereitalkonandon]

And what about it.

I saw your "And what about it” post, you are so talented. I was being serious but then I remembered the quote "Oh clown you are so talented, please release us", I don't even watch that show, not because I think it's bad or anything, I have never tried it and I actually want to try it eventually, in a few years.

So I thought it could look like I was joking and I wasn't, but this also makes me think of the first two letters or so that I wrote to you. I would picture you thinking "Oh clown you are so talented, please release me" and I would laugh, I still think that but not as often.

I think I mostly listen to popular music too, but I thought I could end up just recommending you songs that you already knew of or that you would find sooner or later.

Back when I was so into Jaime and Cersei (and I would still be so into them if it weren't because I'm numb towards them, I don't want to maybe accept that he will murder her and all of that but I sort of feel like he will and gave up already, and you know all of this of course) A Strange Education made me think of them but it was mostly some imaginary version of what would happen after the fifth book or the very end if it were up to me.

Yeah I've seen your Spotify because of the ask, I don't have one, I just have an account to spy on my ex-girlfriend once in a while and see if she adds anything. I only found out about it because she made a playlist and posted it on Facebook when we broke up. So I saw you had Every night by Imagine Dragons, that one would make me think of the third book ever since I found it.

I found A Strange Education, most of the songs that I sent you, back in 2009, so, it used to make me think of my relationship probably. I tend to recycle songs and as long as they are vague enough they just make me think of the ship I currently like the most. Jaime and Cersei were at one point my favorite thing ever.

It's sad that actually I've never been entirely happy about any ship and the one time I was, I'm almost sure of how it will end. Oh, well, I've just noticed how I started talking about this again, guess it shows how it was a part of me. Since I haven't read a lot of books A Feast for Crows is still my favorite book, that will change if he murders her so I can't say which one will be my favorite, but it won't be one by George Martin if he does that.

I told you I was your age once or twice, but I turned 28 this November, I didn't want to be so specific and I knew I wasn't that much older either, so I always figured "I'm your age" wasn't technically a lie, but though I'm not hitting on you, since I'm talking about age gaps, I would never hit on anyone even two years younger if I were into hitting on people, so that's also why I didn't care about not saying my age at first, it doesn't actually make a difference.

Maybe that's exaggerating, but I would feel like a pig. That said I wouldn't judge a man for thinking differently. I actually always wished my ex-girlfriend could be a year or two older than me. Not that much older, so I didn't feel like she was going to die sooner but, just to go against this belief that a man should strive to be with someone younger.

I'm not disgusted when a 60 years old wants to marry a 20 year old, as long as he believes is true love. But I'm disgusted by men that keep jumping from one young girl to another, I know it's legal, but it makes me uncomfortable. For that reason I always find it a good thing when men are with older women and I enjoy that now it happens often.

I hope you don't feel like I lied to you but I also understand if you felt like I was a child and wanted to help me and now see that I'm stupid and you are done. In 2009, I was having all this drama with my ex-girlfriend already and you were an actual child, I often think of that.

We met in May or June of 2005 when she was 13 and I was 14, it took me about a month or three to fall in love with her, right after we met, now I don't know how much she ever got to love me but she's the one that told me she loved me first, some days after she turned 14 and I was 15.

We had a misunderstanding, I thought she was joking, I was pretty mean about it, I already loved her, of course, but I didn't say anything, I kept being rude for a week or two, I was frustrated. So, we avoided talking about it for over three years and we were best friends until she told me she loved me once again, by then I had spent all that time always jealous and angry, and sorry I didn't know how to handle it the first time so I told her everything and she knew I was telling the truth because it added up, I would get angry out of nowhere when she was telling me about men.

 I would throw tantrums but never say what it was about, it was really obvious. She left when I was 24, but the thing is I've felt like this ever since I was 14, half my age,  that's why I know your situation and mine are different and why I can actually feel hope that you will be alright.

My age was just because of this whole anonymity thing. Now I don't mind telling you everything because I figured that even if you somehow figured out who I am, not that you think about it or that there was anything remarkable about it and you have many memories of other things, you could just not acknowledge it if you don't want to, and that's actually what it is all about.

 And yes, I was thinking about my pride but I always do, in all sort of situations, what bothered me the most was putting you in some situation that could make you uncomfortable, I know you don't tend to enjoy when men talk to you online if you don't find them attractive because you've mentioned it often on your blog.

The point is that I can say whatever I want, really, you'll never magically be in that situation if I don't directly say who I am, the only reason I don't say my name, not that you need it, and even if I'm sure it wouldn't change anything.

But it's also the fact that I feel like eventually you won't have anything else to say to me and it will be less awkward for you this way when you suddenly stop or say goodbye to me, not that I'm implying that it would be awkward for you. It's just that, you didn't ask for this, I'm the one that kept cheeking on you even if I wasn't doing anything wrong, but the thing is, since it was all my doing, I feel responsible for avoiding that kind of situation for you.

And now just completely ignore all these parts about anonymity, I was just explaining why at first I was acting stupid and hiding things and now I don't care about it, and you don't even have to mention that you don't know who I am, I know you don't. I'm just saying I don't actually care.

I also feel that maybe you would enjoy having me not be an actual person and that the only reason you would feel like giving me a face and a name would be out of politeness, and if so, it doesn't bother me at all and I don't see why not keep it this way then, I just enjoy that we talk.

I understand what you mean, because I've been well aware that you have a sister for the longest time and she isn't real to me, your parents are, but somehow your sister isn't. But that's not just when it comes to you, whenever I haven't met someone's siblings, I can't see them as real people. I'm sure it's because I don't have any siblings, so it's so foreign to me. It's not the same, but I get what it's like to struggle to think of someone as real.

The craziest thing about siblings, is that I'm always so shocked that people have a whole life that has nothing to do with their siblings, because even when I think about my mom, how she has a whole life that I am not a part of, it seems so unreal.

I don't just cry reading your letters though, I cry when I'm writing to you too of course, but I sometimes find myself crying for no reason and I think it's because you are like art to me. Art sometimes makes me feel like crying, not always, but when it's really good. But another reason that you make me cry is that I have been feeling so many things that I kept pushing away these fours years or maybe I didn't even need to push them away, I don't think so. I couldn't even begin to understand, but I know a psychologist wasn't going to work on me.

Because I didn't even want to fix this, I'm still not sure I want to, I think I don't want to. I don't believe in them anyway. I know they work, but not for me, and of course that a lot of people would argue, but telling someone a lot about me for years even, someone that I can't relate to, no matter how much they have studied, no, I know myself too well, I'm sure it wouldn't work.

It’s the fact that I can relate to you somehow, that helped me, there are so many people so it's not crazy to think that some of them could do the same thing, but I've known hundreds anyway, as antisocial as I've been, and I have seen so many people talk on the internet. There's a reason I ended up checking on you and that I didn't do that with anyone else, it's the sort of thing that makes me truly feel how little I can relate to people. However briefly we will probably get to talk to each other.

So it's still something so meaningful. i just specify this to not look like an idiot and a liar saying that only you could help me, I don't know that, it would be crazy and I don't even want to help myself, it's just happening.

I saw your post once, "men that need a therapist" "me", they were sharks and she was touching them. And these days I've been feeling so stupid because that's exactly what I've been acting like, and in all honestly if I had been able to, back then I would have chosen to do the opposite and just pay attention to what you told me, and I do, and I try to focus on that, but when I answer you I end up talking about me anyway. Maybe it makes sense because I can't really use anyone else's experiences as an example. And because I like writing to you but can't think of any other topic but me as much as it annoys me that I always end up doing that.

What you said about my instincts, fighting them, I did for most of the days that we have been writing to each other, I was so uncomfortable feeling everything I was feeling, for years I haven't felt anything but romantic love, I think I'm feeling love towards my family once again, I never stopped feeling it towards animals, but I couldn't feel anything for people other than worry and pity, I was so damaged by my break up.

And I know I'm barely a person to you. But I was constantly thinking about what I was doing, that it was wrong, that I was well aware that I could only interact with the people that for better or for worse already knew me before my break up, and with my ex-girlfriend.

That I would hurt anyone else because I always put her first. And I knew it was so stupid, I spend a lot of time writing to you usually, and I'm thankful for the time you spend on me but I knew it wasn't the same, that there's no way I could hurt you. But I would still feel so bad, for pretending to be a person, everything I say is true and everything I feel, but I knew I wasn't a normal person anymore, normal people feel other things towards other people, their feelings towards mankind aren't reduced to romantic love towards one person and worry and pity towards the rest of people, the ones deserving those things, also, not just for anyone. But I love talking to you, so I wasn't going to stop as long as you kept doing it, and I've slowly started gaining as many as four feelings towards other people, the ones I used to love before she left.

And as I've said, I don't even know if it's what I want. I knew it wasn't a good thing, to barely feel anything towards them, but I knew it wasn't my fault so I have never felt bad about this. I just rarely think of it. I think a part of me, most of me, wants to stay shattered, so I never have to truly care about anyone other than her, I've been living being angered and hurt by her for half my life now, that it seems like something I have to live with forever.

But it's appealing to stay like that, to not have to feel other things that could hurt me on top of that. Nothing would hurt me as much as she does but when something bad happens to an animal I feel like dying, and why would I want to feel like dying when something bad happens to some people too.

But I just tell you this to better explain the kind of things I often end up rambling about, that I can't understand many things, that I've been feeling so many things. That I've always truly enjoyed isolation, that it has nothing to do with merely talking to anyone at all but with relating to someone for once, and it could suddenly stop, realize I don't relate to you any longer, though it wouldn't make much sense, but these days I have felt like that.

So I'd think ''why are you answering her, tell her, apologize" but I would sort of know I'm not doing anything wrong despite how uncomfortable it made me feel so I would say "And what about it" and each time it felt less uncomfortable. Not to share things, that never made me feel odd. But to get to know someone, to keep it going. It's not about not wanting to feel because I want to avoid being hurt, that's what people often do, I was saying it's a perk when you don't feel many things.

But I know that what caused this and what keeps causing it, is actually, that the feelings about losing my ex-girlfriend are so big that everything else became meaningless to the point of even being unable to feel anything for others but pity and worry. And even if you leave, now I know that if I ever want it back, it's still inside me, it's been coming back anyway, I don't push it away but I don't encourage it either. In a way I always knew, even if I never allowed myself to think about it. But now I'm sure, and even if I spend the rest of my life like this because I am a moron. I like knowing it’s my choice, that I am choosing to be trash, but that my feelings aren't forcing me to. That I am the one choosing to stay like this.

And this is why people pay a therapist but I have been getting better accidentally and as I've said that wouldn't work but I never actually wanted to fix that, and it's stupid to tell you all of this, because with what I've been saying, I know you can't relate to that. But it has to do with you so I don't feel as bad making you read everything. I know it's not like I can be as useful to you, but before this all I honestly would think was that it would be nice to be there and just let you talk about your things and problems. 

But I'm writing a letter so it's different, but also great because it probably makes it easier for me to just say whatever I feel and not hide it. I'm only saying that it has never been my intention to use you to whine, it's just sort of my main conversation but also that if you did the same I wouldn't mind and I enjoy whatever you say, just because I finally relate to someone.

What you say about becoming barren, ordinary, isn't it because you put up with some things that you shouldn't? Things that you would normally criticize on your blog. I'm not sure if you put up with things that you wouldn't if you were entirely free to do whatever you wanted without any consequences. And if so, I don't see why? I understand that you can't behave in certain ways around men because they are trash and you want to stay alive.

But I don't see why you should put up with things that aren't about life or death. So if I were you I would never keep anything to myself about disliking something, about not agreeing with something. Maybe you are already like that most of the time, but if you stop being that way two times out of nine, I don't see why not try to do it just one time out of ten.

So let's say a man that you are attracted to says something stupid, just don't keep it to yourself so he doesn't run away or so you don't lose points or something, say it, it doesn't matter if you are just meeting him and you are saving that for later, say it that same day, if they leave they are not worth it. I once saw a post that made me think of this. When men try to compliment you by saying you are more masculine, but implying that feminine is bad so you are good. And you said something like wishing you didn't have to put up with, it made me think that you could do that sometimes. 

I don't know what you actually do or don't but what I think you should do is to always be yourself but fully, it doesn't matter if you come across as rude, and to always say what you want and what you dislike. All of this as long as you are not putting your life at risk. 

And my point is that, while maybe most people would get away from you because you are a woman, the ones that approached you wouldn't be that ordinary. I say because you are a woman, because if you take Cersei Lannister, and I've already seen this on your blog too, it's something obvious, most people hate her, but if she were a man a lot of people would love her. 

But I'm just thinking of the worst case scenario, you are not murdering anyone so people have no reason to dislike you. I'm just saying all of this because I've seen that women that are the way that you express yourself on your blog when you are having an attitude, are disliked by most men and by some women. I'm just guessing, but as I said, if you are somehow trying to tone down who you are you shouldn't and everyone that doesn't like it should go to hell, you are a proud person and even if you are insecure in some ways, you can't be that proud without also really loving yourself. It doesn't matter if only four people like who you are in the end. And that's ridiculous, it wouldn't be just four people.

Or maybe you meant that it was because of your depression, that you never put up with anything but that you just don't have the motivation to do a lot of things. And then it still wouldn't be your fault. It's not who you are always going to be, but if that's how you feel now, it's who you are right now, and you are still an interesting person and a deep person, and you shouldn't be trying to show people that in order for them to see it.

I'm not saying that you do it, more that maybe you mean you should and it's your fault because you don't try. I think the problem is that you are a special person so obviously most people aren't and they don't notice it. But I understand that you mean that the people that you find special, you don't feel like they notice you, to that I would say such is life. I felt like that when it came to you, I still do. And it's just as I said, I love talking to you, but it's "and what about it" if you don't and if they don't when it comes to you. Someone will eventually, no matter how long it takes and at least you are able to fully feel love towards your friends and your family while that happens. 

I don't mean that you shouldn't complain about this, you should complain whenever you don't like something. What I mean is that you don't need anyone that doesn't need you. You don't need to be approached by anyone that doesn't want to approach you and if they don't notice you it's their loss and I know you know that. I do too, about me. People this proud are messed up. The difference is I don't really mind being alone and I know you do, but they are still not worth worrying about.

And it's not that you deserve to have that boyfriend, though he is probably an okay guy, is that you happen to enjoy his company, that there isn't anyone else you want to be with anyway, that you enjoy dating. So why shouldn't you. You just enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Or maybe you would want to date the other guy if you could? I don't see what's stopping you and you already know he is interested. The only thing that worried me when I read about him on your blog, is that a lot of men often pretend to understand someone just to mostly have their company until they get tired but also to have sex a couple of times, to pretend they want something serious and they only want fun, even if their idea of fun is a year or two.

I don't know if that's what's stopping you, if so, then maybe you are right, I know most men are trash. So you shouldn't blame yourself for knowing something that it's so obvious even if you are wrong about him, you can't know that. But if that isn't what you worry about, then I don't see what's stopping you.

When you break up with your boyfriend, because obviously you are not going to stay with him forever if you don't feel like it regardless of how much you feel like maybe you wouldn't mind settling forever, he will suffer anyway. So, I don't see the difference in leaving him now or leaving him years later, if anything the sooner the better for him, that way he wouldn't suffer as much. And you could be unhappy if it ends to soon with the other guy, like you made a mistake, but if you do decide to leave your boyfriend, it's because you can afford that, like what happened with Victor.

I feel like some people would say what I'm telling you is wrong, your boyfriend likely too, but I truly don't see how it is a good thing for him even, a woman with less depth than you would obviously think the world of him. And it's probably all the same for him as long as he is loved back, but you know the difference, you know it would actually be better if the one who was with him thought he was the best man to ever live. 

Of course I told you all of that assuming that maybe that's the problem lately, but perhaps you don't care that much for the other guy, I just try to guess.

I also told you before that you wouldn't be able to stop yourself, if you were really meant to be with the other guy, so maybe you won't, maybe you are about to go for him, if it's just your boyfriend stopping you. The thing that made me hesitant about him, too, is that I felt like maybe he was somehow flirting with you, just him not you, suggesting you should date him. Things like that. And I felt that if he had good intentions he would feel bad about doing that. But I know nothing about him other than that and maybe he just subtly implied he likes you, I guess most men would do that and then I don't know what to make of it.

Of course that your ex-boyfriend leaving you changed so many things about you, but maybe it's also because you've been growing up, and the longer you live in this world, and at your age, you were obviously going to become a bit disenchanted as you turned into an adult. It doesn't mean the world is an ugly place, but most people change a lot and lose a lot of fantasies as they get older, when they know more about pain and injustice and all those things.

While I'm sure that it traumatized you, maybe it would be giving him too much credit to say he changed most things about you. This last year I've changed, probably for the best, but the thing is I don't think that had anything to do with her or with anyone, as obsessed as I am with her.

So to me it wouldn't be crazy that some of the things were taken away by the world and not by him, and that would be a good thing. That he didn't have that much power, I understand though that even if that were the case what happened with him damaged you. 

But what you said about me eventually looking for love, I'm just dumb and I don't find it romantic if I have to look for it. I know you do, that it doesn't matter how you find it. But being an idiot, it would feel that maybe I forced it to happen because I wanted to find it. Maybe I would wonder if I'm still meant to eventually meet someone else out of nowhere, as it was "supposed " to happen or to get back with my ex-girlfriend.

And the good thing about my views on looking for love, is that if my ex-girlfriend ever comes back, it's extremely likely that I'll be single and I won't have to make a mess to leave the other person. 

But if I do meet someone, if I get over her as unlikely as it sounds, it would mean I really was meant to. I can't imagine a stronger sign. Avoiding it, not looking for it, not even wanting to move on, and doing it anyway. That way I would be sure of it, never wonder if it was wishful thinking or if that wasn't really the love of my life and I should still wait for it.

I didn't notice anything odd with the spacing, but even if I did it wouldn't make your letters harder to read, the words are there just the same, so you shouldn't pay it any mind if you ever do, maybe just to practice your writing but not because of me.

I know what you mean about being too sleepy though even if I haven't slept properly in about two weeks now, not a single night, I remember this one time that I was falling asleep as I was editing a letter for you, almost ready to publish it, but I could barely open my eyes, it's a good memory, I don't remember ever doing that, because I've barely sent letters through my life even if I love it, so I never happened to be that tired while writing.

As a matter of fact the same thing ended up happening today after I was editing this though I didn’t know it would yet when I wrote the last part, so if it looks too stupid it’s because I’ve been falling asleep for over two hours.

[hereitalkonandon]

I’ve just seen that you’ve already answered, which is great, of course.

I just never want to feel like I’m pressuring you, but anyway, I wasn’t expecting an answer yet so I sort of ran a lot and shaved because it was getting ridiculous, I actually hate beards, I know a lot of people love them but I think of them as hairy napkins, that’s all they make me think about, mine is horrible anyway. I want to write back to you right now, and I haven’t read it since I’m just letting you know. But I know it might take me a while because it always does.