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high-and-mighty-computer-words · 1 year

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02/05 -23

I am turning 23 tomorrow

Yay me ahaha

I just got an email asking if I still wanted to keep this blog or not, and I got to reading some of my old posts

Of course I want to keep this, it is something I gave to myself!

We have two cats now! A young little guy who’s very cute, but also a bit annoying at times, and we still haven’t fully decided on his name (it’s probably going to be Percy tho right?). The other one is a beautiful and kind (and grouchy) girl (3 years) who isn’t the cuddliest but that just makes it more worth it when she shows that she cares. Her name is Lumine. The day before we got the little guy we found out she might have heartproblems. I am going to call the specialist animal clinic tomorrow to arrange for a time to scan her. Hopefully she is or will be fine. I love her so much. I will probably love the little guy a lot more too, especially when he becomes older.

I have been diagnosed with ADD (ADHD), but not autism. I know I have autism though, because my whole life just suddenly makes sense. Of course I have always felt slightly off with the rest of the world, and with how I view gender, and how I handle, or not handle, my feelings. I do have autism, and it feels better knowing that, because of course I struggled then. It was never my fault for struggling, it has always been these two diagnoses that caused me to have so many issues. It wasn’t my fault.

I am done with school. I did great actually. I struggled so much, but I did it and the things I did were good. I have gotten test-hired(?) for a job that’s similar to what I did earlier in life, which makes me feel a lot more secured. I am still scared though haha.

I still have a lot of issues though. I am still “probably depressed”. I don’t like my hobbies as much anymore, even though I really have gotten better at what I do. I don’t have a lot of friends. I had a girlfriend for about half a year, but we broke up, and then our friendgroup split and we stopped being friends too. It’s not the worst but still kinda sad. I didn’t really love her, but I did like her plenty. And she kept my spirits up, and made me feel like I was worth something.

I have issues with the few friends I have now too. I also have issues with my family, which I don’t think I could have imagined back when I last wrote. It’s really annoying and depressing. I have issues with social anxiety, and issues with feeling really lonely. I still have a lot of issues with not feeling like I am good enough. My brother have become a lot happier and kinder though! I still have personal issues with how I feel inferior to his other siblings, and it is still sometimes awkward between us since we don’t really know how to interact. It makes me happy that he is happier though.

So basically, life still sucks sometimes, and I am still kind of depressed, but a lot of stuff has changed. And maybe I don’t have the answers to how to fix a lot of things in my life right now, or even longer in the future. But things have changed. Some for the better, even. Not very much have changed for the worse. Maybe friends stuff and family stuff, but at least I don’t think it will keep getting much worse than now. I don’t have to fix everything right now either. I can just fix what I can right now, and the other stuff will get it’s chance too eventually. It comes as it comes. I am really excited to try working at my job, and getting money from it haha!

If in a few years, things aren’t great yet either, things have still changed! And I have grown, and so have the people around me. I am a bit scared to tell my brother about our second cat though...

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high-and-mighty-computer-words · 4 years

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03/03-20

It's weird to think that

But this year I'll be turning 20.

I haven't really been doing so great this year

To be honest

I haven't been very happy

Going to a convention was nice

But quite dissociating

And my cosplays have been getting more appreciation and attention than before

But that doesn't really make me happy

Because suddenly it's not about me anymore

I still want to post

I much prefer it to just posting privately

Always feeling like people neither like or care about want I upload

And it's nice to be able to reach those who cares a lot the same things I do

I just feel so suffocated

Well it did work out well when my posts only got a normal amount of likes

I hate it

That I have to feel this way

And I am so constantly confused by my own emotions

I don't know what I want

That's the biggest problem

I don't know myself and I don't know which way I want to traverse on

Right now I want to do something, anything

But I don't want to do anything that I can do

I can't get s move on at all by myself

It feels like I don't really exist if it's not required by me

I want to hug a tree I guess

For some reason, I've always loved hugging one

It's a weird thing to say tbh

And it's not like I do it often at all

But I do remember how it feels

It's hugging a living, immovable being

It almost feels like the tree is hugging back

And you can just lean with everything you have

And the tree will still never move

I remember a story about the nightingale i was told when I were a kid

I don't remember how it begins

It's about a girl planting a tree to make the nightingale come and sing for the sick elderly

The nightingale never comes though

The girls gets so sad, and to brings the nightingale and it's song, she gives her heart to the tree, and then the nightingale comes to the tree to sing

It made me sad and angry as a child, I didn't really understand death, and I didn't see the truth about what it was

To be honest it was a weird choice of a story to tell to a child

But it does make me like trees even more

I do feel better now that got to have a moment of proper peace

I love looking a the night sky even though I cannot see anything at all

It calms me down and just fills me with peace

I just feel very peaceful from looking out the window, especially when it's calm or dark outside.

The view have gotten a lot better compared to a year ago

I really dislike the night view from our family home though

It is too close to the ground for comfort, and looking out through my window at night just convince me that someone will look back

Here though, I am melting in

I am a part of the world

But unnoticeable

I don't find watching people that interesting

But to be reminded of their existance is nice

I remember though when I lived in our family home in winter after walking with my dog I used to lay down in the middle of the field, watching the sky above

It's so normal in a way

And that's what I love about it

It can be beautiful

But looking at it just because you want to see something breathtakingly beautiful will only lead to disappointment most of the time

It have a simple beauty

With stars high above

Just existing

But like with most things in my life

I cannot understand why I like to watch the night sky

I just do

I very rarely know why I like something

But I just do

My favorite songs aren't that beautiful

Nor do they inspire a great emotion in me

But they comfort me

It is very similar to the sky

If maybe it have a more clearer, colder and more crisp feeling to it

Do I like the sky because it makes me feel at peace or do I feel at peace because I like it?

It's quite late if you're wondering why I'm rambling, but I don't have it in me to apologize for it

I think I have depression

But I do not hate myself for me

I think social media does affect that

I feel a bit of self-hatred for that

Why do I have to be judged as good by 400 people? I already know I am

I know my inner conflicts and weaknesses

Not always do I know my strenghts

But I give myself rest and understanding

After I am feeling that

And I do not hate myself for it

I never hate myself for myself

I hate myself for others

Anyways I am falling asleep

And I am happy that I gave myself that peace from watching the sky

So I'll end it here

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