hisadoringkitten

[hisadoringkitten]

My first night out on my own...

Not really on my own, you made sure last weekend to introduce me to all the people I needed to know. I walked through the door and was immediately almost tackle-hugged by Tammy. She grabbed my hand, pulled me up to the merch area, gave me a spot to put my bag, and took me to the bar. She said I had some catching up to do, ordered me a drink and a shot, and we talked and giggled for a few. She introduced me around to a few more people. She knows everyone, it seems. It was so much fun!

It wasn't long before the Hunger went on, and I found a few great spots for pictures and took so many... I can't wait to look through them! I flitted around taking breaks to sit here and there when I needed to. I know a few are pretty good, even in camera. It was so nice to feel in my element, and while it drew some attention, the camera also provided a barrier. It was comfortable, much more than I expected it to be. The show was amazing, the energy electric, the reverberations in my chest, a long missed sensation.

After the show, I got a few shots of the guys at the merch stand, and they basically disappeared. There were a lot of people on the patio, so I got some shots of everyone enjoying themselves in their merch, a few posed when they saw the camera, and it started a few fun conversations and when it started to die down I made my way upstairs.

Rick and Tammy kept close tabs on me, I tried to order myself a drink, and a drink cowboy batted my hand away when I pulled out my card to pay. He said I must be new here because pretty girls don't pay. I giggled and sat at the bar. We chatted a few, the usual... name, what do you do, etc... it was loud. He bought a few rounds of shots and another drink, and when he started to lean in on me, Rick turned me around, checked in me, and pulled me into other conversations. It was like a big brother looking out for me. It was sweet, and I'll have to remember to thank him.

Tammy abducted me to the restroom when she felt like I needed rescue. I was holding my own okay but appreciated it none the less, especially since I hadn't remembered where they were. The night was winding down, and I made my way downstairs to collect my crutch that I left at the door. I asked Kris if he knew how to do so since the doors were locked. He said no problem and took me around back where without hesitation. He climbed the fence, let me in, and walked me to the front to grab it. I couldn't get over how nice everyone was, even without you there. We laughed our way out, and I got in my lyft to leave, realizing I was a bit drunker than I had realized.

I got home, drank a bottle of water, and promptly passed out on the couch. I woke early when the kids did and made my way to bed shortly after, I slept until noon. My knee is definitely sore, and I'll need to take it easy for a day or two, but it was so worth it. Today will be restful, I'll go through the pictures, there are hundreds. I shot in a lot of bursts.

Thank you. It astounds me that even from a distance, you made sure I'd have a good time and that I was safe and looked out for. I wish you could have been there, but I really had a great time, even so. In a way, it almost felt like you were there. Your influence certainly was. I don't know if I'll ever get used to how well you handle me. It's so perfectly comfortable. Even when you're pushing uncomfortable personal growth, the way you go about it is perfect. I really was made to fit perfectly with you, it's magic. Thank you.

[hisadoringkitten]

Today has already been tough, and it will get worse...

He knows something is up. I did raise my voice and lose my calm a bit this afternoon before he went to work. He'll be home soon, and it's time. It doesn't mean I'm not dreading it. I hate confrontation, and it's very hard for me to start the conversation. I'm scared he's going to freak out, worried he'll overreact. I'm worried he'll just disappear. I don't know if I can remain calm. I want this to go smoothly, but I'm scared. At the very least, it'll be a long night.

It's hard when I'm panicky on days we can't talk much. I don't know that you'll have much time for me tomorrow either. It'll be easier soon, I know, but right now, it's hard. I missed you today a lot. My anxiety didn't make it any easier. I feel queezy, like my head is spinning trying to remember all my talking points. They're all jumbled. It seemed so much easier when the plan was to present this as a break, not a break up... but I trust your judgment, and you told me today to just end it. I will obey.

The kids came to say goodnight after brushing their teeth... it took a lot to not cry. This is going to be so hard on them. I wish I had done it sooner. I know it'll give me the ability to work on myself, and I'll be capable of being a much better mom once I'm more stable and healthy. It's still going to crush them, at least for a while.

I hate this.

[hisadoringkitten]

Today was his birthday

He turned 40, and I tried so hard to make it a good day. He didn't want to do anything as of last night, but this morning, he had a plan to go to a record shop. It turned into 6 hours out and running around. I told him this morning that I was sore from overdoing it yesterday... but he responded by making me do the same thing today but for even longer. I told him I needed to sit, and that I was hungry, he ignored it all.

We finally got home, and I was exhausted. I dozed a bit on the couch, talked to you, ordered dinner and and did cake before putting the kids to bed. He insisted we drink and smoke, I smoked but didn't drink. He had 2 that I know of and of course he wanted to talk. I told him not today and not if he's drinking. He kept pushing and pushing. I caved a little, hoping it would shut him up. I focused on boundaries and things we've already talked about. It frustrated him some, but I think it worked. Tomorrow will be interesting.

Tomorrow will at least start the conversation that will lead to me leaving. I'm not even nervous about it anymore. I just want it over with so I can know how he's going to react.

I'm so worn out and horny from talking with you...I hope sleep comes easy... I'm going to need it.

[hisadoringkitten]

Today was different...

You told me you were going in later this morning, I still woke early, but less so, I was tired after yesterday. I got to talk to you on your way in, having talked about your ex last night had you waking upset. I'm so glad that I was able to help, at least a little.

Today was to take on a new assignment, once a week, you've told me to go out by myself and do something. You've already arranged for me to go back to Scout Bar on Saturday, and as I do not have much in the way of an interesting wardrobe, I decided to go shopping. I figured that would be a great test of not only how my knee is doing but also my ability to make decisions on my own.

You seemed impressed when I told you my plan, I can't wait for you to see how I glow when you're proud of me. So I went to Goodwill first. It's hit or miss but inexpensive, so it's worth a shot. I found a few things, finding the decisions in the fitting room less daunting than I expected. I also didn't mind being there by myself, though I did find it a bit lonely. Where I really struggled with was where to go next.

I went for Boba tea. It was delicious as always, and I opted for the mall, knowing it would push me a bit. I started in Forever 21, found a few things, and moved on, I was headed towards hot topic but lost my bearing a bit, and I walked past curve, I have desperately needed a good bra. The girl who works there is one I pierced and she was incredibly helpful. I hit a few other stores and picked up a handful of things. It all went on my birthday giftcards.

You went to check out some apartments for me, well, for us in a way. They look beautiful! And they're so close to your work. The idea of me talking dirty to you at work and having you walk across to fuck me and put me in my place is delicious.

Shortly after I got home, you left work, and I got to talk to you on your way home until it was time to get the kids off to bed. It was wonderful. After bedtime, I listened to a few chapters of my audiobook and fell asleep on the couch. He came home, and we wound down for bed. Tomorrow is his birthday, I don't know how that will go, we'll see... and then Friday... the big talk... the one where I tell him we're taking a break and I'm moving out. It makes me nervous, but I'm ready to have it out, I think.

It's all because of you, Sir. Thank you.

[hisadoringkitten]

Today was wonderful...

It started a bit rough, I didn't get much sleep last night. He was drinking, it doesn't matter. I still woke early, and I was able to talk to you on your way into work. Like always, you expertly talked me through the frustration I was feeling. I watched the sun rise and went back to bed for a bit after the kids went to school.

He and I had what felt like a very productive talk after I got up. Clearly, your influence is spreading to him as well, to my whole family, really. It's amazing to me how much you've improved my life already

I was so nervous about my doctor's appointment, but even that went well. No major issues. It'll only get better now. I'll be kneeling at your feet soon.

But by far, the best part of today was our evening conversation. It was later than normal, and you were in such a good mood, relaxed. Even when you answered the phone, you sounded so happy to be talking to me. You praised me for my progress, told me you were proud of me... my heart beamed. We discussed our future together, our fears and hang ups, and found they're all mute points. The things that worried me... my ability to handle you taking on another sub and fear that you'd fix me all up and no longer want me because the project was done... your reassurance was everything I needed to hear. And your concerns about the damage done when your ex left you cropping up and pulling you back down... I'll fiercely defend what we have... it's the most precious thing in my life. In general, you were incredibly loving and kind this evening. It brought me such joy. I really do think you and I are really, truly perfect for each other. It's the most wonderful feeling.

Thank you Sir, for helping me to always improve myself, so as to constantly add value to the gift of my submission, and for being willing and excited to explore the depths of what this could be with me. You truly amaze me, my perfect Sir.

[hisadoringkitten]

It's been 1 month today since I offered myself to you...

I never realized quite how impressive you are until I was yours. I mean, I knew you were sexy, that you did a lot professionally, that we had a lot in common, and that our wants and needs and interests were near perfectly aligned. I knew we were a great match. I did not know how deeply insightful and thoughtful you would be when it came to my personal development. I was not prepared for the level of control you would exert in my life, and I could not be happier for it.

I have grown more as a person in the last month than I have in years, and it's all thanks to you. So much of it is stupid little things like having my own bank account, making my own decision about how my tax return is spent, or saying no to unwanted physical affection... things I should have had all along. You have not yet asked anything of me that was even particularly difficult in that regard. You've taught me so much about myself and what I'm capable of, how to look critically at my life, and how to solve the problems I find when I do.

Today, you gave me a crash course on the stock market and making small investments. I probably never would have asked, but you're making your moves to improve my life and quality of living every day. Your guidance is a big part of your love language, and it's unlike anything I've ever could have dreamed. You are fixing my life, my insecurities, my mental health, my career, my social life... simultaneously. You're even giving me parenting advice when I get overwhelmed with the kids. Under your care and guidance, I can't wait to see what my life looks like in a year, in 5...

Yesterday morning was so hard with you leaving after our first date, but then, you talked me through every bit of it. You navigate my fears and turmoil with an ease and logic that... I can't help but admire. Even upset and scared and way in my own head, crying on the phone to you, you eased every fear, talked me through it all, and made me feel so much better. Could you be more perfect?

So thank you Sir, for all of the help and care and time you've poured into me. I was not prepared for you to amaze me like you do, and I cannot wait for more.

[hisadoringkitten]

I tried so hard to be prepared for this...

I've done this before, the long-distance thing. I knew it was going to hurt like hell when you left, I know it always will. I knew it would be worse with you... I knew that with the way you breathe life into me, it was going to feel like dying when you left. I wish I could say I was wrong.

I wish he wasn't going to be home all day and up my ass every second of it. If he sees me cry, he'll turn it into a thing. Of course, he'll make it about himself... "You wouldn't cry for me if I left..." Or some dumb bullshit I don't have the energy for.

I know you don't want me to just end things with him right now, that the timing isn't right. And I know it's not a thing that should happen when I'm already in a heightened emotional state, that I'll say things I mean without softening the blows and it'll destroy him. I don't want it uglier than it needs to be, but I wish I could just tell him to fuck right off... especially since he's so hot and cold about his birthday next week and he's going to want me along for that ride.

I can't do it. I don't have it in me. He needs me there for him right now, but I can't even hold myself together, and there's nowhere I can even go to cry or let any of this out and it's too much to keep at bay. He's so happy your visit is over, he won't say it but after you left he was so much more relaxed. I wish I had just gone with you... begged you take me... I don't want to be here.

I don't want to just put all this on you either. I know you're tapped after the week you had and everything this weekend... I want to just shut down and sleep, but I know you wouldn't accept that. I know I have shit to do, but I don't know how to find enough of myself to try. It's like you took so many pieces with you. I'm scared to even let on how bad this hurts to you... that you might decide it's too much and pull back.

At least I didn't break in front of you. I can't guarantee that will always be the case. I want you to see me as strong, like the progress I've made isn't just as fragile as I am. I don't want to make you leaving so much to deal with that you don't want want to come back. I don't want to be a burden, I already ask so much of you. Too much, I know, but how could I feel any other way?

I promise, the moments when I'm with you, when I feel complete and at peace and invincible, are always going to be worth feeling like you took my ability to breathe with you when you leave. It'll be so much easier when you're not so far away... when my time with you isn't a trickle carefully metered out in small infrequent doses. I knew what I was getting myself into.

I have the dumbest regrets about our time together, too... I wish we had more private time, just us... I'm glad we had a few hours on Friday, I wish I hadn't been so nervous, that I hadn't held back. I wish we had taken more pictures... I was so caught up in every moment with you I didn't think to capture some of them. I wish I could have stayed a night with you, to fall asleep in your arms and wake up next to you. I wish I had taken any of the chances I had to kneel at your feet. I felt like you were so worried about my knee that you didn't want me to push it. I wish I had something tangible of yours to cling to. I wish we had play time, that I had some physical pain, some residual soreness to temper this. I've been so conditioned to hold back. My intensity is too much for people, and I know you say you want every bit of it, but I'm scared it's too much even for you.

I feel lost... small... fragile and fearful and weak. I'm sorry I'm not better at this. I'll get better, I promise, but for the moment, I'm shattered. I'm sorry I'm like this.

[hisadoringkitten]

The last 24 hours have been so amazing that it's hard to put into words. I'm so glad we were able to spend most of it together. Waiting for you to arrive, especially as you got close, sent my nerves into a tailspin... but the minute I was in your arms, it all began to fade. Your lips on mine your hands on my body and mine on yours...

Having you see my place, how I live, was a bit nerve-wracking, but you took it all in stride. Without being judgmental, you assessed my life as a more complete picture, making plans, always making plans. The combination of talking, kissing, and being held by you was such a comfort. Sitting on my couch, breathing in your scent while you stood over me, was almost as good as kneeling for you.

And then, your cock... omg pictures don't do it justice, it's perfect and beautiful and I will play with it, suck it, fuck it for hours every chance I get and count myself lucky for the experience. I can't get enough of your taste. The feel of your skin on mine... I don't think I could ever get enough of you. It was so deliciously naughty to have you at my place with no one else home, learning and exploring you. Sucking your cock on my couch. Your presence and energy alone giving me little tastes of the subspace I so desperately crave to be lost in with you.

I didn't want to let you leave, I wanted to cling to you and never let go, but it was necessary. The much dreaded talk with him was beyond pointless. But I suppose it made him feel better. If only he knew what we had been doing just a few hours prior... I suppose I can't be too upset. It had the potential to get ugly, and it didn't. At one point, you both started talking about me, and while it was all very flattering and kind, it struck me how differently you discuss me. I had to try and stifle, a little, the joy I felt when you discussed me with authority, like your property while he floundered, trying to express his desperation to keep me.

I thought maybe it was hard for him to discuss the situation with me around, and I tried to help by excusing myself to go get changed. I knew that short skirt and the fishnets would make him squirm, I thought it might push the conversation in the right direction, but it didn't. He put no restrictions in place and asked for so very little... coupled with his earlier request for me to lie to him about what we do, I have no remorse.

We left shortly there after for an amazing dinner at a Korean BBQ place, it was a bit of a strange experience but a perfectly delicious and memorable meal. It was slow and relaxed and I couldn't take my eyes off you. You're so fucking sexy. It was especially neat to see you a little off guard, neither of us knowing what we were doing... sharing a completely new experience.

We left and headed to Scout Bar and Bonez. It's a wonderful experience to see you fawned over while on your arm. After some chill time on the patio, we went in and watched Spill Canvas for a moment. The venue was electric with great energy, the band was good, the fans soooo into it. We went upstairs, I love the way you act like you own the place. Your confidence makes me feel safe. Being with you makes me feel invincible and unstoppable. My head clears, my thoughts and desires ring loud, and my body vibrates with the energy you give me.

The drinks, even the ones we didn't order, were delicious and kept me perfectly buzzed but fully cognizant. Everyone there made me feel so welcome, like I was part of the family by your extension. I was worried that with the crutches, I might feel like I did at the expo, all at once too small, and like I took up too much space, but that wasn't the case, everyone was so kind. You really do have a magic about you, especially when you're in your element. It's a joy to watch you, even more so to be with you.

With you. I am with you. I am yours, so completely it makes my head spin.

After the club, I couldn't resist you, I wanted you so badly... couldn't help myself. As awkward as it was, maneuvering around in your car, I was desperate to please you, to get you off again... to make your cock ache like you wanted. Feeling you fill my mouth, feeling you inside my sopping wet cunt. There was a moment where you were close while I was sucking your cock, on my knees at your feet in your back seat, your hand in my hair and your moans in my ear, I felt it drip all the way down my leg. I get so hot and wet for you... more than I ever have before. Your constant praise and encouragement in my ear pushing me to continue, your moans and hitched breaths telling me when I was hitting just the right spots, you made it so easy to know how to please you, to read you. When you finally came in my mouth again, I couldn't help but want to suck out every last drop, your pleasure the most satisfying taste.

And then, all of a sudden, your fingers were pushing into me, rubbing me and probing me and driving me high, breathing in your scent and tasting you still on my tongue, the way you command my body is like pure electricity. When I came, you didn't stop. You pulled wave after wave crashing through me, leaving me trembling. I was delirious, high on you.

I wasn't ready to leave, I don't think I ever will be, but I knew you needed to make it back and get some sleep before your tattoo appointment today. You dropped me off at home at 4 am. It no longer feels like home. You feel like home. I would be happy to never leave your side, but I know it's not possible. You are everything I ever dreamed of and more. My wildest fantasies don't hold a candle to the way you make me feel.

I walked in the door, and he met me in the living room. He wanted to be close to me, and part of me wanted to hug and kiss him if only so that he could smell and taste you on me. I insisted on a shower before bed and brushed my teeth. My mouth is still sore from sucking you so long and hard, a lovely little reminder of the fun we had together. When I climbed into bed, he cuddled up to me but kept sniffing at my neck, I mage an excuse that I spilled a drink - not technically untrue... I know he could smell you on me, I still am getting little hints of your cologne, and I can't help but cherish them. You smell so good.

I fell into a deep sleep quickly after finding a comfortable position. I'm still a bit tired today. My legs are still a bit shaky. I almost don't want it to stop. It makes it all feel so real. I'm still a little terrified to wake up and find it was all just a dream. A perfect dream.

Thank you, Sir, for an amazing day yesterday and for everything you do for me, to me... I was so happy to hear your reassurance this morning that I didn't disappoint you. It was my greatest fear. I never wish to displease you in any way. I strive to be your perfect submissive, your naughty slut, to fulfill your every desire, to serve you flawlessly.

[hisadoringkitten]

The anticipation of you...

You tell me you're coming tomorrow, I can't help it I'm so excited, nervous too. I'm not sure what to expect, just you, and that's enough to leave me drenched. Trying to push my own insecurities down, letting my baser instincts take the lead...

I got out of the shower and took a minute to look at myself in the mirror... I don't hate what I see for the first time in a long time. I don't love it, but I know, looking back at myself, that I can and will please you. That I won't stop trying until it's perfect. And that's just it, I can see some of what you see in me. I am not happy with or proud of the way I look, the clothes I wear, my house, my life... but my submission? That I am proud of. That I know I do well. My submission and devotion are by and far the things I love most about myself and worthy of the praise I so crave from you.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, specifically, but I know it holds you with me, and that's enough to have my nerves dancing with electricity. I know it holds the tangible beginning of my life, the one I was meant to have, with the one I was made for.

Thank you Sir

[hisadoringkitten]

I don't know what to do.

He's drunk, really drunk. He woke me up when he got home and wanted to tell me all about open mic night. I should have just listened. I wasn't all the way awake when I asked him if I could please talk to him about it in the morning and just go back to sleep. I'm so tired, I had been out for over an hour. He's spiraling out, I'm trying to stay calm. I went out back, hoping that he'd at least be quiet outside and that I'd be better able to yell for help if I need it, if things get really ugly. I have recordings of some of it. I'm trying so hard to ignore him, let him run off steam, and just ask him to please go to bed. He's stuck in a loop, coming up with paranoid conspiracy theories. He's slammed doors, thrown things, thrown up... I'm so tired but I'm scared to go to bed. I'm honestly scared to be in the house with him right now. At least it's a nice night... morning... whatever.

You're asleep... you should be, it's 3 am. But I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I'm trying to do what you've told me to before... be calm, ignore him, shut it down, and don't engage... it's not working. I wish I could just leave, go somewhere else but I can't, I'm trapped here. I'm hoping if I just wait until he falls asleep, I can go back and get some rest before I have to get the kids up for school. I'll be able to sleep once they're gone and he leaves for work, if he doesn't call out.

I'm sorry I'm not better at this. The conflict resolution. You'd think by now I'd have it figured out. I don't. I don't want to turn into his punching bag. He has so much pent-up rage and frustration... it's not safe. Every alarm bell in my head is going off... fight or flight... but what if you can't do either?

[hisadoringkitten]

Yesterday was tough and full of realizations... I finally am starting to shift the way I react in my relationship. My instinct is just to give him what he wants and says he needs, to avoid further conflict, but now... you've given me the strength and clarity to see that I'm making it worse when I do that. So now we get to the sometimes brutal truth... that I am not his wife, nor his sub, that I never have been, and I am not beholden to his wishes.

It's a strange realization to come to for me and even stranger to put my foot down about. You are my Master, you earn that title every day, guiding and controlling me towards you, towards stability, towards a real life, full of experiences and adventures and success. I honor and cherish your foresight and direction. It completes me.

I realize more and more every day that you are what I want and need and crave. That with you in my life to the extent that I want, that I think... hope... you want too, there won't be room for him. I need to be free to explore and grow in the new life I'm making with and for you. It's freeing in a way, to have this line drawn and set. I'm leaving, there isn't anything that he can do to change that now. The decision has been made.

Now just to make it happen...

[hisadoringkitten]

Thinking of you...

[hisadoringkitten]

The anticipation is killing me...

Today is Sunday, April 14th... 4 days until you're here for what will be a very uncomfortable test of my trust, your talk with him. I'm worried, not about you, but about him... what the worst-case scenarios might be. It is better to be prepared.

But it's also only a few days until our time together, which I could not be more excited about. I am counting the hours until I'll be in your presence... it can't come fast enough. When I think about it, my body feels like it's on vibrate, electric... my brain goes all fuzzy, I can't hide my smile or keep my lip out from between my teeth... you've become an ever-present part of my life, my every thought and dream and action, carefully measured against your instruction and care... the weight of it all becoming so light.

I realize more and more every day that he'll never even begin to understand what you and I share, it's depth and breadth incomprehensible. I feel sorry for those that never know the bond of Master and slave. The freedom that servitude provides and the drive that comes from control. This is a high I never want to come down from. You are my drug of choice, my addiction, and I don't ever want to get clean from you.

I will belong to only you when the time is right and will live my life in service to you. I have full faith and confidence in your plan for us and your ability to see it through. As always, my dear Sir, you amaze me and I am beyond proud to be yours. Thank you.

[hisadoringkitten]

You were right.

You're always right. I'm very quickly learning that first hand. There is a power, a magic to you that I can't understand, and I love it. You told me of the importance of the stars, lunar cycles, the eclipse...

On Monday, April 8th, 2024, my 10 year anniversary... there was a full lunar eclipse in the afternoon. You told me to expect things to get weird, even for days prior and after. You were right. No matter how badly I wanted to postpone the conversation with him, it was upon us.

I couldn't sleep again. It's becoming my normal now, to wake before the sun to some small tug in the bond we share. I don't mind it in the least. It usually gives us a chance to talk a bit in the mornings, and I love it, especially since i always seem to wake up wet for you. You are my last thought, and my first and I'd have it no other way. Tension with him had been building slowly. He's noticing all the changes in me. Particularly after getting caught up on a bunch of financial stuff I'd been putting off dealing with. I told him a few days prior that I didn't want to just lie in bed all morning if I couldn't sleep, that I'd rather use that time to be productive, so I got up. Talking to you and thinking about how things might go when I finally told him... worrying about the timing and not being financially prepared to leave if need be. Worried about the kids.

He didn't wake up next to me. It started something ugly and heated in the morning that grew quickly and spiraled out of control. I tried to tell him it wasn't the time, to enjoy our anniversary and we'd figure it all out later. He wasn't having it. Days and nights of rising tension coming to a boil, and I couldn't steer clear anymore. It all broke, all at once.

You'd have been proud to see it, Even through tears and frustration, I kept it mostly calm and rational. I explained my needs, what I was lacking, what he was neglecting, and how it was affecting me. I explained that I know it's not fair to ask for more than he can give, but that without it, I'd die. I'd simply wither away in front of him... that I had been for years and that I was on the precipice. I either needed to fly or dash myself against the rocks below trying.

Tears, stillness, hurt, anger, frustration, betrayal... and then... acceptance. He suggested You like it was his idea, I granted him that mercy. I don't want to hurt him but he's been letting me drown for years and it's my fucking turn for air. Just as the eclipse began, something shifted, and he saw my desperation and pain. As we reached totality, I sighed, closed my eyes, and wished to find a solution, to bring me closer to You, to find our peace, to try and make this work all above board for my family's sake. At least long enough to prepare an exit strategy. A silent prayer to just, please, let me a chance at fulfillment as yours. It was agonizing watching the eclipse with the kids, trying not to let them see the turmoil. I asked for some space. He needed it, too.

As the light returned to normal, and my children went inside... I sat alone while he processed everything said that morning. No, not alone, I sat with you, updating you, afraid you'd be upset... I could hear him, even from outside, muffled as he screamed into the pillows. It was a long while, but in the end, he agreed... to let me serve you as yours. It's begun to settle. He needs a lot of reassurance, but he's relinquished control to you.

Now and always, I am, in every way, yours. I've always been yours, destined to serve you, made to please you, written in our stars.

[hisadoringkitten]

My greatest fear...

You tell me you love that I'm clingy, needy, obsessed. That you want it all. I worship and adore you, I tell you everything, pour out my heart and lay it bare... it belongs to you, and I trust you with it, but it's scary. It would be so easy for you to crush it...

Sometimes you feel so close, it's a particular joy when you do. When you respond deeply to me, it feels so connected and safe and solid...

Sometimes, you feel distant. It's agony when you do. When you're busy, and you're so busy, it feels lonely and tentative and like it's falling apart...

There's not a lot of middle ground, and the emotional whiplash is hard. I know that being yours will likely never be easy in that regard. The logical part of me sees and understands that with everything on your plate, of course, you don't have the time or energy to keep our earlier pace. I guess I just didn't expect it to drop off with such severity. I knew it was going to be a low contact day yesterday, but with everything going on...

I can't help wanting more of you. I will ALWAYS want more of you. That's the nature of obsession. I can't get enough, I'm addicted and the withdrawls are brutal. In time, I'll learn to cope, and as my life fills with more people and more to do, it will get easier. I know all of this.

But yesterday, I spent hours in tears. My emotions took over, and I don't know how to quell the tide when you make me feel so deeply. It's like having the air ripped from my lungs. Even with all of the shit I'm dealing with from him, feeling like I fucked up with you was all I could find. I don't want to be treated like I'm broken, but I am and feeling like you are angry with me, frustrated, disappointed... how do I not shatter into a million pieces?

I feel like a failure... a disappointment. I keep trying to tell myself that I knew you wouldn't be quick to respond, or particularly verbose, that this was her time with you and that you'd get back to me when you were able. I wanted you to have that time with her, I know she needs you too, and I don't ever want to come between you.

It still felt like being alone... worse, it felt like being unwanted. Like I was an annoyance at best. I need to figure out how to find my peace when you're less present. I'm trying, and I'll get better, I promise I will. This is still all so new.

I'm scared your rose-tinted glasses are slipping, and you're realizing I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I probably am, to be clear. I have no disillusions about how much work I am and that what I offer in return may not be worth it, even if it's everything I have and am. I'm scared that even you, while saying you love my clingy, needy obsession, will add your name to the list of people who have told me point blank that I'm too much and not enough.

My greatest fear is you realizing I'm not worthy of you.

[hisadoringkitten]

my before.

[hisadoringkitten]

I met you in 2010. Upon introduction, I knew my position with you. You are Dominant, beautiful and intense. I am submissive. Less than an hour later, you had a piece of me you hold to this day. My initiation of sorts, meeting your chain flogger at the St. Andrew's cross, stopped time, and it has taken me far too long to realize that in that moment, a part of me became yours.

Through the years and relationships that have come and gone, I've been glad to call you Friend. I've watched you since that first night with longing. We've had a few hangouts, worked together a bit, always with a delicious and tantalizing sexual tension hanging heavily over us. You held my hand at that bar near my old place. There was almost a kiss, once. I've cherished every moment I've had with you.

It sounds absurd to say it like that. Knowing what I am now. It's been 14 years we've known one another. For most of that time, I've been in one of two relationships, both unsatisfying in the lifestyle. I've not taken a master since I met you. It's such a huge, core part of who and what I am, and I have denied myself my place kneeling at a deserving Owners feet. I wish I could say I don't know why but it really boils down to survival instincts and low self confidence.

In late December I got hurt at work, leaving me stressed, depressed and with far too much time on my hands. In early January, I asked to use you as a reference while looking for something I can do from home. The flirty banter never skipping a beat between us. On March 2nd, something broke. We were both miserable for our own reasons but also lacking, to the point of desperation, a deeply bonded connection. My heart broke for you, fully understanding the void left behind with your role unfulfilled. We found it in each other that day, after 14 years. Somewhere between the pain of loss and need for more. We connected on a far deeper level and have talked every day since. Our roles falling into place with comfort and ease.

On March 22nd, after weeks of sharing agonizingly close missed opportunities we've had with one another, amidst growing trust and affection, after your urges towards boldness if ever such an opportunity were to arise again. I caved. I spent those weeks considering all the ramifications, the possibilities, the messiness of our situation. I came to a realization that consequences be damned, you were, are, perfect for me in so many ways. That I've been watching my light fade, slowly, surely, dying... and that you rekindled my spark. I came to the realization that I needed, need, You. I pulled the trigger, somewhat more passive and timid then I wanted it to come out.

"Darling can I be your favorite? I'll be your girl, let you taste it... I know what you want, yeah, just take it. Darling can I be your favorite? Want you to tell me you crave it. My name's whatever you make it" - Favoite, Isabel LaRosa

I told you I made the video to that song for you, told you I meant every word. I would have begged for you, pleaded... I waited for your response with tears in my eyes and an ache in my chest... you didn't make me wait, or beg, or explain. You asked me then to be your pet. The tears of fear and anxiety turned to joy and fell unfettered.

It's April 5th. 2 weeks since I became yours. It feels longer, like we've always been this, like it spans lifetimes. You said you asked the universe for someone like me and I felt drawn to you. There's something there, fate, destiny, something... I'm not one for faith, usually, but I have it in you and if there is one thing I am certain of, it's that I was made for you. I have never known a love and passion and connection like we have.

Your effect on me is clear. I'm a better person under your control. I'm happy, blissful even. I'm sleeping less, motivated, more confident, healing both my body and mind, creating art for the first time in years - another core piece of me rekindled by your careful and dedicated guidance. You assuage my fears, calm and quiet my mind. You bring me peace I've never known and inspiration I had lost. You saved me when I was ready to amputate who and what I am just to not feel its pain. My life is full now, my goals coming into focus, your brilliant and beautiful mind forming our path. I know this will have it's challenges, but, for the first time in a long as I can remember...

I am not afraid.

I have what I need... You. I will strive every day to further your goals for us. I will be worth my trouble and complications. My dedication and worship of you will not falter. You are my god, my salvation and my purpose. I have never been happier, more fulfilled, or more excited for what lies ahead. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have caught your eye, and I won't forget it. I am yours. And I am so proud to call you my Master, my Owner, my Sir.

It's still 2 more weeks until I can touch you. I don't know how I'll make it that long. Without laying a finger on me, you've made me insatiably wet, made me cum, hard, with nothing but your voice in my ear. My body is alive and screaming every moment for your hands and mouth and cock, begging for your teeth and nails, your floggers and paddles, to kneel at your feet. I ache to be marked by you. To have my body claimed by you in person...

I am yours. Your enamored pet. Your good girl. Your naughty slut. Your insatiable fucktoy. Your devoted worshipper. Your property. Your slave.

Thank you. There are no words big or deep enough to express my adoration, obsession, and gratitude.

Thank you, Sir, for making me...

Yours.