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hollyjaques · 26 days

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Why Are Women Still Staying Silent About Their Sexual Pain?

October 30, 2020 No Comments

When it comes to women talking about sexual pain, omission is a form of communication.

Vulvodynia = Women’s sexual pain.

Our society still grapples with the experience of female sexual pain. Specifically, Vulvodynia (vulvar pain) affects some 16 percent of women. “Vulvodynia is chronic vulvar pain without an identifiable cause,” reads a statement from the National Vulvodynia Association (NVA), a non-profit created in 1994 to help improve the health and quality of life of women suffering from sexual pain. “The location, constancy, and severity of the pain vary among sufferers. Some women experience pain in only one area of the vulva, while others experience pain in multiple areas.” While some sexual pain may be located on the vulva or in the vestibule (the vaginal opening), some women may feel pain internally as well. Unfortunately, millions of women experiencing pain during sex are being misdiagnosed. And so, millions suffer in silence.

Dyspareunia is an older term to describe all types of female painful sex. The most recent diagnosis of genito pelvic-penetration pain disorder (GPPPD) is the clinical diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Version 5. It is the name of the conditions formally known as vaginismus and dyspareunia. Vaginismus results from involuntary contraction of the vaginal musculature. Primary vaginismus occurs in women who have never been able to have penetrative intercourse. Women with secondary vaginismus were previously able to have penetrative intercourse but are no longer able to do so.

How Women’s Sexual Pain Shows up in the Medical Realm

Epidemiological studies indicate that only 60% of women with vulvovaginal pain seek medical help and among those, 40% never receive a diagnosis. The lack of support from the health care system may contribute to feelings of invalidation and stigmatization often experienced by women with Vulvodynia. When it comes to pain specific to female anatomy, like the vulva, diagnoses frequently veer off-course. Doctors suspect menopause, PMS, depression, or anxiety. Yet surprisingly, many of the women sex therapists see are actually younger than 40 and nowhere near peri-menopause or menopause.

This gap in a detailed assessment process leaves a woman with the wrong diagnoses and still in pain, with the additional psychological pain and loneliness of being misunderstood. Women presenting with genital pain frequently experience rejection from their biopsychosocial environment. This contributes to a belief that silence is better than being misunderstood and embarrassed.

“There’s a huge problem,” Dr. Elizabeth G. Stewart, M.D., told attendees at a session on vulvovaginal disorders at Internal Medicine 2011. “There’s virtually no vulvovaginal training for clinicians.” Due to the minimal training doctors receive about women’s sexual health in medical schools, doctors may feel stymied when their female patients report having genital pain. Stewart also added that “clinicians also tend to rely on patients’ self-diagnosis and manage their problems by phone, or don’t do a physical exam before treating, which leads to incorrect therapies.”

What might cause Vulvodynia?

In a recorded webinar presented by Center for Love and Sex (CLS) created for professionals with my colleague gynecologist Dr. Chris Creatura titled “How to Help Women with Sexual Pain and Low Desire,” Creatura let therapists and gynecologists know that while examining a woman with vulvovaginal symptoms, a doctor must consider many differential diagnoses. Although we still don’t know exactly what causes all Vulvodynia symptoms, she explained that some contributing factors include:

An allergy

Atrophy

A drug reaction

Sexually transmitted infections

Infection

Low estrogen

A dermatological source

Disease elsewhere in the body

A drug

Cancer or a precancerous condition

A combination of these factors

How Women’s Sexual Pain Affects Their Partners and Relationships

Many women often keep the reality of the level of sexual pain or discomfort from their partners (whether they are new partners or longtime partners or spouses). Omission in the realms of sexuality and intimacy is a mechanism women resort to in order to feel more accepted by a partner and society out of fear of rejection, shame, and exclusion. Recent research cited in Michael Castlemen’s recent post also illustrates that it is a reaction to a patriarchal society that privileges men’s sexual pleasure over women’s desire and pleasure. Women reported that the reason they don’t tell their partners about their pain is because they felt “they should subordinate their erotic pleasure to their men’s.”

In fact, studies show that male partners of women who experience sexual pain are also deeply affected by their own shame when they are aware of the pain. In a recent study published in the Journal of Pain researching women with Vulvodynia and their partners, women experienced greater pain when they also reported pain-related shame, while their partners experienced distress when they felt shame related to the pain they were causing their partner through sexual activity. Furthermore, on days they had sexual activity both partners reported greater levels of sexual distress. The authors of the study state: “Qualitative studies have reported that many of them feel inadequate, are apprehensive to speak about their pain, and fear this condition spells the end of their romantic relationship.”

How Can Sex Therapists Help Women and Their Male Partners

As a systemic sex therapist, I consider the reach and power of a woman’s genital pain, the impact on her partner, and their relationship. It is critical for a sex therapist to first validate and empathize with the woman’s pain, since most women feel like a complainer or at times even like a hypochondriac. To uncover the source, experience, and history of the pain, the sex therapist should conduct a thorough sexual status and history assessment. (The Center for Love and Sex offers two recorded webinars on these interventions for medical professionals including therapists, sex therapists, pelvic floor physical therapists and doctors.) But then they also need to conduct assessments of her partner.

Frequently, for women in committed sexual relationships (in the cases I provide here, the partner is male), the vulvar pain also has an effect on a man’s sexual functioning. Male partners, feeling guilty for causing pain in their partner during penetrative vaginal sex, may experience erectile dysfunction, uncontrolled ejaculation, or low desire. It is important for women to seek help not only on their own but with their partner as well.

The Plan

The research cited above provides a strong argument for therapists to work with both partners in couples systemic sex therapy. Within this type of couples sex therapy, it’s critical for sex therapists to:

Provide sex education about Vulvodynia to both partners so they understand that this is a medical condition and no one’s fault.

Refer the woman suffering from pain to a well-trained sexual health medical professional able to diagnose and treat Vulvodynia and GPPPD.

Explain how the disorder impacts the entire couples’ system.

Encourage the couple to use the therapy space to address both partners’ feelings of shame, anxiety, and sense of brokenness. Give them hope that these conditions can be treated, and that their reactions are understandable.

While treatment for Vulvodynia is ongoing, outline a treatment plan to work on the pain treatment, their couple communication, and sexual alternatives.

Teach them mindfulness techniques in order for them to become more relaxed and embodied and focused on giving and receiving sexual pleasure. There is a whole body of research and a recent book written by Lori Brotto showing the benefits of MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) for women suffering with sexual pain.

Advocate and support women as they work with allied health care professionals.

Creating a Holistic Systems-Oriented Medical Team to Help a Woman and the Couple

In the second of CLS’s webinars on sexual pain co-presented with Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist Amy Stein titled: (“The Collaborative Clinical Care Model Between Therapists and Pelvic Floor Physical Therapists”), a case example showed a client (all identifying information was removed) experiencing severe genital pain who described feeling like a freak amongst her sexually active college peers. Another woman described a breakup with a boyfriend, suspecting the cause to be her pain during sex and the consequent lack of sex. In another example, a high-achieving professional woman worried she would lose her supportive fiancé once he started business school. In almost all cases, these women felt extremely isolated.

Therefore, silence about pain, shame, and distress creates a vicious cycle of communication and intimacy breakdowns. Excellent communication skills and having a team may ameliorate and amend communications. The system around a woman in pain–her gynecologist, therapist, physical therapist, sex therapist, and her partner(s)–must all work holistically to treat Vulvodynia and sexual pain. Sex therapists can create and coordinate care among all these providers. They can encourage women to speak authentically about the sexual pain to their sex therapist, their medical providers, and their partner.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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What Kind of Partner Keeps Secrets in Their Relationship?

November 15, 2021 No Comments

Partners keep a variety of secrets from their partners for many expected and at times surprising reasons. They may feel something is too taboo to discuss—like marital problems, financial issues, sexual preferences, or their own or their partner’s mental health and addiction issues. They may have broken their sexual exclusivity or monogamy agreement in a long-term committed relationship or marriage. And they may omit information or outright lie about topics like their physical health, their previous sexual partners, or beliefs on death or religion.

How does a secret affect a family?

In the context of a family, secrets can be kept by whole families from outsiders, between only certain members of the family, or by an individual from their family. According to researchers Vangelisti and Caughlin, these types of secrets are extremely common—with 96.7, 99.1, and 95.8 percent of people reporting them, respectively.

Maintaining secrets in the context of a family can be done for practical or functional motives. People keep secrets to protect members of their family, bond with certain family members, and even alter the power within the family’s dynamics. Secrets have the potential to change family dynamics because family members tend to organize their relationships around who knows and does not know their secret.

In my practice, I often see major changes in family dynamics because some family members know only a part of a secret—without knowing it is only part of the secret—which makes those who know the full secret cautious and distant for fear that the rest of the secret may accidentally come tumbling out. For example, I have worked with men whose secret of seeing sex workers get discovered by their female partners. A wife who discovered her husband’s past secret sexual alliances with sex workers disclosed this secret only to one of her siblings while her parents, her other siblings, and her partner’s entire family were kept in the dark. She did this so that she didn’t feel so lonely with the betrayal, which naturally devastated her emotionally.

The brother to whom she shared this secret lived in another country and would only see the whole family once a year at holiday time, making the odds of the secret coming out less likely. However, at a Christmas gathering, the brother felt so uncomfortable holding onto the secret that he avoided spending extended time chatting not only with his sister’s in-laws, but with his own parents and his siblings that didn’t know as well.

How does one’s attachment style affect secret-keeping?

The reasons one partner keeps a secret from their spouse or partner and how they feel about doing so differs from person to person. For instance, a person’s attachment style plays a major role in their decision to keep a secret and their feelings about doing so. According to a 2015 study, people who scored higher in anxious attachment styles and avoidant-attachment styles are more likely than securely attached people to keep secrets from their partner. The reasons an anxious person keeps a secret differs from the reasons an avoidant person keeps a secret—anxious people are often avoiding the disapproval of their partner, while avoidant people use secrecy as a way of maintaining a comfortable emotional distance from their partner.

Anxious people ruminate and feel higher levels of anxiety about keeping secrets in addition to feelings of guilt—even though they may have felt justified in their need to keep some information secret—especially if it’s negative information closeted to avoid their partner’s disapproval. Somewhat surprisingly, avoidantly attached subjects were more likely to ruminate (but not to experience feelings of guilt), than those with low avoidance.

In my clinical practice. I have seen avoidantly-attached partners ruminate about being discovered for fears of the secrets causing him to lose his reputation as a family man. That is, the concern of how he would appear, and the potential loss of outsiders’ respect was experienced as more anxiety-provoking than how their partner would feel if their secret sexual behavior were to be discovered.

If the secret keeper is not experiencing anxiety, rumination, or guilt—is it really a secret? There is a difference between keeping secrets and maintaining privacy. Some couples therapists have written that the difference is in how it makes the secret-keeper feel.

According to Evan Imber-Black, privacy is not bad for a person’s physical or emotional health, while secrets can impact a person’s well-being and decision-making. And privacy, rather than secrecy, can be healthy not only for the emotional but also the erotic intimacy of a relationship or marriage. Mystery can add a touch of spark and elusive power in the realm of the erotic.

The development of intimacy may actually be enhanced by keeping some privacy and sharing some secrets between partners in a couple while maintaining secrets from those outside of the relationship. My view is that privacy is some freedom each person is entitled to as long it doesn’t directly impact or hurt another person.

Many partners have sexual fantasies which they decide not to share with their mate. Many of them wonder in individual therapy sessions whether they’re being unfaithful by not sharing all their fantasies.

While some mates feel that a sense of true intimacy means there are absolutely no thoughts, events, or decisions that aren’t completely shared, I align myself with therapists Esther Perel’s and Stephen Levine’s theoretical stance that maintaining one’s own private space within a couple or relationship and sharing some thoughts and ideas with close friends outside the relationship—or keeping them to oneself—is all a healthy part of what family therapy pioneer Murray Bowen called “differentiation” in a couple. It’s also part of my Sex Esteem model.

Can we truly know our partners?

An existential anxiety provoking many people is that they’ll never fully know everything about their partner and alternatively, they won’t ever be fully known by them either. This dilemma of unknowingness and the fact that we change continually throughout our lifetime is the fear that many partners try to conquer through demanding full disclosure in their relationships, and this quest for knowing all can cause suffering and disappointment.

As Michel Foucault wrote:

“Sexuality is a part of our behavior. It’s part of our world freedom. Sexuality is something that we ourselves create. It is our own creation, and much more than the discovery of a secret side of our desire. We have to understand that with our desires go new forms of relationships, new forms of love, new forms of creation. Sex is not a fatality; it’s a possibility for creative life.”

I would add that sexual mystery and curiosity, if left to breathe and expand in a consensually aligned relationship, contributes to a more creatively erotic connection with a partner or spouse, whether they be new or long-term.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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How Erotic Fantasy Can Reignite Your Sex Life

February 4, 2022 No Comments

A recent survey by the National Coalition for Sexual Health and the Kinsey Institute examined how Americans’ sex lives have been changed by the COVID-19 pandemic. For some partnered Americans, the pandemic and resulting quarantine strengthened their relationships by increasing their commitment, and emotional and sexual satisfaction. However, the majority of partnered Americans are having less sex, experiencing low sexual interest, and having trouble orgasming.

Americans are, by and large, less sexually and emotionally satisfied as a second COVID Valentine’s Day approaches. These decreases in sexual experiences may be the result of the responsibilities of a full house with little time to intimately connect with our partners or increased stress and anxiety due to job loss and homeschooling. They may also be the result of a preoccupation with the fear of either our loved ones contracting COVID or getting it ourselves.

The Power of Fantasy

A year ago, folks were preparing for their first COVID Valentine’s Day. A simple Google search of “COVID Valentine’s Day” produces countless articles from 2021 with tips for enjoying and celebrating the holiday with your partner. The widespread panic about how to make the day special in the context of decreased sexual interest, emotional disconnect, COVID stress and anxiety, and limited options for spending the day outside of the house safely was pervasive.

Sexual fantasizing is remarkably prevalent, but not always used for a partnered erotic connection. Common fantasies center around sensuality, dirty talk, changing power dynamics, and risk-taking. However, according to a Kinsey Institute study led by researcher Justin Lehmiller, the pandemic has changed why and how often people are fantasizing considerably. Participants in the study reported that they were fantasizing more because they were bored, needed to escape reality, relax, or mentally fulfill their unmet sexual and emotional needs. These findings tell us that when people are struggling with their mental health and their attachment needs are not being met, they turn to their private fantasy world for comfort at times rather than reaching out for their partner.

Sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner—which is one of my Sex Esteem principles of accessing curiosity—is an important technique for fostering intimacy and sparking sexual and emotional connection. In fact, it has been shown that couples who share their fantasies and actively fantasize about each other are more easily aroused by their partner and more likely to engage in positive behavior towards them. What kinds of positive behavior did the researchers hear about?

Intentionally increasing pleasure for their partner in sexual encounters

Demonstrating affection more freely

Completing acts of kindness that make their life easier day to day

Although these positive behaviors are major incentives for sharing fantasies, many couples struggle to share those intimate thoughts. The practice is frequently avoided by many partners I’ve treated in my practice, for fear of feeling awkward, embarrassed, or judged by their partner.

One way that you and your partner can make sharing your fantasies easier is by being playful with one another. While at times this is easier said than done, there is a myriad of ways to intentionally encourage playfulness in your relationship.

Laugh Together

No doubt laughter is good for the soul. It is also good for your relationship. A University of North Carolina study found that the frequency in which a couple laughed together was closely related to their perceptions of relationship quality, closeness, and social support.

If you feel like you and your partner haven’t laughed together since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, or perhaps before, there are things you can do to create laughter in your relationship. You can watch a comedy together or send each other TikToks that make you laugh. You can take time to think about inside jokes you haven’t shared in a while or experiences you’ve shared that are now hilarious stories. Remember that despite any sexual or emotional distance you might currently feel, you know your partner well and know what makes them laugh.

Flirt

Perhaps you haven’t felt “flirty” in years, and most definitely do not feel like flirting with the person you’ve been stuck inside with for the past year and a half. However, flirting can be extremely beneficial to a relationship.

The study “Flirting With Meaning” talks about the different reasons people engage in flirtatious behavior. Flirting can be used as a way to initiate sex, but also as a relational maintenance tool, a way to bring fun to an interaction, and a way of increasing your own or your partner’s self-esteem.

Finally, keep your date night and change it up—especially on Valentine’s Day. Be sure to spend time together without technology or other distractions, and try to do so in a new place. If you aren’t comfortable dining outside the home due to the recent rise in COVID cases, you can eat in a different place in your home, or with a different tablecloth and different candles.

Play a Game

Once you’ve established a new playful environment with your partner, the possibilities are endless. Perhaps the connection you’re seeking this Valentine’s Day will come from the play itself. Or perhaps the games and playfulness will make space for you to reach for your partner and share your erotic fantasies. Either way, you have the opportunity to try something new with your partner and spark the kind of intimacy you’ve been missing. I encourage you to intentionally be playful, try new things, share your fantasies, and ultimately reconnect with your partner this second COVID Valentine’s Day.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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How the Psychology of Gifting Can Help a Sexual Relationship

February 8, 2023 No Comments

So during the Valentine’s Day season, I invite you to consider lessons partners can glean from this gift-giving-receiving process and how it might relate to couple’s offerings and accepting sexual and erotic behaviors to one another? How does the process of gift-giving relate to challenges partners confront when it comes to sexual initiations?

The first thing to consider is that some partners don’t want to give or receive a gift from their partner similar to the way a partner identified as Asexual has decided they want to be emotionally close to a partner without engaging in a sexual act. Another example occurs when a partner feels so anxious or frightened of getting the wrong gift for their partner, much in the way a person who is suffering from sexual pain, Erectile Disorder or traumatic history avoids any initiation of intimacy for fear of physical pain, embarrassment, disappointment and disassociation. While these couples might agree to pause on any or some sexual activity with one another, other couples need help in finding better ways to initiate intimacy into their sexual practice.

So how does a partner consider their sensual offerings without falling victim to the most common mistakes social psychologists have discovered when it comes to gifting? During Valentine’s Day, when one is deciding on what gift to get a partner, it’s critical to put themselves in their partner’s shoes beyond the moment of when they will be unwrapping their gift. Similarly partners need to understand what their partners’ primary erotic language is and initiate an erotic or sexual experience in the language that aligns with the partner’s sensibilities and what will feel pleasurable to the receiver.

Oftentimes, a receiver might feel pressured by the invitation and respond immediately to an initiation by saying no. Giving and receiving are two sides of an experience, so a receiver can also gain skills on how to express gratitude for an initiation whether or not it’s a good time for them and offer in return further insight into what they’d love to experience. Just as a receiver would say thank you for a VDay gift even if it’s not what they most want, first expressing appreciation in positive tones goes a long way to the gift and initiation scenarios.

Both sexual encounters and gift exchanges require skill and nuanced responses for givers and receivers. The giver may do the bare minimum in choosing a gift or signaling they want to have sex, but that latent desire to please is rendered meaningless if the receiver begrudgingly takes what is put in front of them to satiate a partner who is putting pressure on the other. Frequently a receiver responds to what the giver wants for themselves with the hope of receiving pleasure later on in the event in a transactional way (as in I “do” you then you “do” me), or because it is expected (“we should be having sex”). What can also become a negative exchange occurs when the receiver communicates abruptly that they don’t want to accept it because it’s not exactly what they want, or it was given at the wrong time of day which will most likely cause the giver to feel misunderstood, criticized and/or rejected. If the giver got it wrong, the receiver should find something positive in the gift/sexual initiation and then gently explain how the receiver’s needs were misunderstood and how they might pivot by rescheduling, finding an alternative activity in the moment or deciding to try something the receiver suggests. The receiver should still take into consideration the giver’s thoughtfulness in making the initial gesture with expression of gratitude for their efforts. To give and to receive are not mutually exclusive.

Sexual intimacy can be nourishing when both halves of the pair are ready, willing and able to work as a team to give and receive pleasure with humility and erotic inquiry. Gifting can be reconceptualized as an opportunity for learning more about your partner, yourself and improving sexual attachment. Everybody has a different language of love, just as everybody has varied erotic desires. These are steps in creating a more authentic emotional and erotic relationship on Valentine’s Day and going forward..

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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5 Ways to Turn Digital Dating into Mindful Mating:

February 16, 2024 No Comments

How one can learn to become a more authentic, present-focused dating partner.

According to a recent Pew Research survey, 3 in 10 U.S. adults use online dating sites or apps or have at some point in their life. Among people who have used dating apps recently, 44% of them are using the app to meet a long-term partner. Given that online dating has become more of an acceptable or expected method for singles to meet new partners, it is critical for those using this technology who are using it to meet a future committed partner to learn a more nuanced approach once one is matched with a potential new partner. How one shows up as a date can impact participants’ mental health issues including their: self-esteem, attachment concerns, trust in others, sexual health, body self-image, and intimacy needs.

How Are Single People Using Dating Apps to Meet New Partners?

According to a recent survey by Pew Research about 7% of all Americans met their current partner on a dating site or app. Dating apps are even more popular among young people with 20% of people aged 18-29 having met their current partner online.

Given that there are fewer offline places to meet a partner if you identify as LGBTQIA +, it seems that queer people are turning to dating apps more often than their heterosexual counterparts. The 2023 Pew Research Study finds that 24% of LGB adults compared to 9% of straight adults met their partner online. But what are the common challenges that all singles and daters have to deal with?

What is the Emotional Experience of Those Singles Using Dating Apps?

In the early aughts, sociologist Zygmunt Bauman described the digital dating mode of mating as a type of “liquid love” since it made the traditional bonds between people and institutions (like marriage) to which previous generations felt more bound. Bauman wrote: “Dating is being transformed into a recreational activity, where people are seen as largely disposable as one can always ‘press delete’.” More recently MIT researcher Sherry Turkle added that “these days insecure in our relationship and anxious about intimacy, we look to technology for ways to be in relationships and to protect us from them at the same time.”

Many clients in therapeutic settings complain of dating fatigue, a sense of futility in the swiping and texting that never seems to result in an in-person date. Singles frequently describe the image in their mind’s eye of the perfect partner while expressing disappointment with the process and lack of progress in finding the ‘one’. Dating apps have negatively influenced the process of dating itself because daters can make quick snap judgments around things that don’t jive with the perfect requirement list they have crafted and tweaked over many months and maybe years of dating.

One pattern that is observed in clinical practice is that when a client is on a date with someone new, and they find their date says something they disagree with, or has a part of their body that is not exactly keeping with their ideal in that moment that person gets ‘cut’ from the dater’s mind as a possible potential partner for missing an item on their requirement list. A clinician might call this perfection-seeking, but Bauman described digital dating as consumerist behavior replacing romance and seduction into a type of entertainment where users can date “secure in the knowledge they can always return to the marketplace for another bout of shopping”.

There is another possible approach to dating that offers a less transactional networked intimacy where perfection recedes and mindful inquiry is utilized. Proposing a new framework for using dating apps, could in fact offer single folx renewed vitality and deeper authenticity in their experiences and their search for a committed monogamous relationship.

How to Become a More Present-Focused, Compassionate Date. What is Mindful Dating?

Instead of saying, “What am I getting out of it” we need to learn to think: How can I be fully embodied in the present moment and really be curious about this other person? I encourage clients to notice nuanced movements, the way they use their hands, how they laugh, and the way their eyes move. Just as a noticing inquiry practice, not as a data collection technique. Finally, notice how one’s own body is feeling without judgment and with what Salzberg encourages; lovingkindness. This will enable a transition to become a more compassionate dater and will increase one’s energy and sense of fuller embodiment.

Tips to Mindfully Date

Get off the phone after matching and attempt to meet the person after a week of texting.

Present yourself authentically while keeping certain intimate details private.

Try to enter the space with the mindset of just learning something about this person.

Ditch your mental checklist and use the gifts of mindful breathing and grounding to stay present and embodied in your own body, not chasing ideas in your mind.

Communicate your interests, and passions along with any boundaries that seem important for early-stage dating.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, therapists and single people can invite their clients, or themselves to put aside mental checklists and learn the techniques to become mindful and compassionate daters.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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How to Talk About Getting Tested for STIs Before Sex

By Robyn Bell

Discussing STI testing before sex can feel awkward, but it's important to normalize this conversation. While we often talk about preventing pregnancy, protecting ourselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is equally crucial. Here’s how to address STI status effectively.

What Are STIs?

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are common, especially among young people in the UK. Anyone can contract an STI, regardless of sexual history, orientation, gender identity, or type of sexual activity. However, you can take control and protect yourself.

Using Condoms and Dental Dams

Condoms and dental dams are excellent barriers that prevent STI transmission. When used correctly, condoms are 99% effective at preventing pregnancy and some STIs.

Protecting Against All STIs

Unfortunately, some STIs, such as genital herpes, genital warts, and syphilis, can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact. Even with condom use, it's possible to contract these infections. For effective protection, you must communicate openly about STI status before sexual activity.

Knowing Your STI Status

Get tested to know your STI status. Chlamydia and gonorrhoea can be tested through a urine sample or vaginal swab, which you can do yourself. HIV and syphilis require a blood test, available at sexual health clinics or through postal kits in some areas. Find your nearest service here or use SH:24 for free postal testing.

A negative result is usually communicated via text, while a positive result will prompt a call from a nurse to arrange treatment. Most STIs can be treated with antibiotics.

Starting the Conversation

To discuss STI status with a partner, you can use messaging if it's more comfortable. For example: "My last STI test was [date], and I am [positive/negative] for [insert STIs]. How about you?"

If you have a positive result for a treatable but not curable STI, like herpes, share helpful resources and offer to answer questions: "I have [herpes], and I know you might need some time to think about what that means. Here are some resources that helped me. Feel free to ask any questions."

People with non-curable STIs can still have healthy sexual relationships. Check out this Instagram account for more insights.

Talking About Sex

It's normal to feel shy about these conversations since our culture often shames discussions about sex. Films and pornography rarely show conversations about STI status and consent. However, you can normalize this in your own sex life. If someone refuses to discuss their STI status or insists they "just know" they're clear without testing, it’s a red flag. They may need time to adjust, but your health and safety deserve priority.

Additional Support

Where to get a sexual health check in the UK

Brook – Free STI home testing kits

Brook – STIs and stigma

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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5-Step Guide to Addressing Inappropriate Behavior on Campus

By Fumble Editorial

Sexual harassment on campus is a serious issue, and knowing how to respond can be challenging. Here's our guide to help you handle it, or support a friend who has experienced sexual violence at university.

Recognize Harassment and Know It’s Not Your Fault

Sexual harassment should be addressed by your university, educators, and lawmakers, not solely by you. We hope for a future where every space is safe for everyone.

Understanding unacceptable behavior is crucial. It empowers you to advocate for change, support others, and recognize when someone crosses a line.

Check out the series "That's Harassment" or Brook’s guide for more information.

If you choose to address harassment, calmly and firmly say something like, "That's not cool, it's sexual harassment. Please stop," and then walk away.

Seek Support and Consider Reporting

You don't have to navigate this alone. There are resources available if you or a friend have experienced sexual harassment.

You can report inappropriate behavior either for yourself or on behalf of others. Search online for your university’s procedure by typing your university name + "report inappropriate behavior."

For example:

University of Sheffield reporting

University of Cambridge reporting

To report to the police, visit a local police station or a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC). Specially trained officers or SARC staff will guide you through the process. More information on reporting rape or sexual assault is available here.

Support for men who have experienced sexual violence is available through organizations like Mankind and SurvivorsUK. Galop provides support for the LGBTQ+ community.

If you need advice before deciding what to do, contact the Rape Crisis helpline.

If you need additional help, email us at [email protected].

Believe Survivors

If someone confides in you about experiencing sexual violence, believe them. Many victims fear they won't be believed, making it difficult to share their trauma.

Assure them that you believe them and acknowledge their bravery in sharing their experience.

Avoid Blaming the Victim

Never blame the victim for the sexual violence they experienced. The perpetrator is solely responsible.

Avoid questions or comments that might make them feel judged or blamed, such as asking about their clothing, alcohol consumption, or why they were in a particular place.

Take Care of Yourself

Supporting a friend who has experienced sexual violence can be emotionally taxing. Ensure you look after your mental health.

For confidential support, you can also call the Rape Crisis helpline.

For more information, read our full guide on supporting a friend who has experienced sexual violence here.

Additional Resources

Sexual harassment: what is it?

Recognizing sexual harassment – That’s Harassment: A film series

The Mix – Sexual harassment in the workplace

Gallop – What is sexual violence?

For more information, continue reading here.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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DO MEN REALLY NOT FEEL ANYTHING DURING COWGIRL?

KAROLINA WILDE·MAY 23, 2022

4 MINS READ

TikTok has a massive, active sex community that loves to share sex-positive content, teach other people how to be better in the bedroom, and reveal their deepest, darkest sex secrets.

A while back, a trend was circling on the app, where guys and girls shared secrets regarding sex, intimacy, and other things. One video revealed that guys could feel the throbbing of the clit when a girl sat on their lap, which caused many discussions about whether it was true or not.

And then there was that one video revealing that guys don’t feel much when the girl is on top. People widely disagreed with the statement, sharing their personal experiences that contradicted the statement. Makenzie asked, “Then why’s he constantly begging me to get on top and has his eyes rolling back?” and Keeler Young added that “That’s the fastest way to get a man to finish,” together with many other women in the comments of the video.

The Cowgirl position is one of the most popular and well-known sex positions that is a staple in many people’s bedrooms. So, how can the most popular position be the one that doesn’t bring the most pleasure to people having sex?

HOW DOES THE COWGIRL POSITION FEEL

The Cowgirl position is popular amongst women because it’s one of those sex positions that allow them to have full control over their pleasure. This position allows for full depth, speed, and angle control so women can choose how they want to move to feel the most pleasure.

Also, when on top, women can easily touch their clit with their fingers, ask their partner to do that for them, or they can grind against their partner’s pubic bone and receive the stimulation this way. Because Cowgirl provides a deep penetration angle, it’s perfect for stimulating the cervix and multiple other spots inside the vagina.

So, for women, Cowgirl offers a wide array of stimulation during sex. But how about men? Generally, the best stimulation to help a man to reach an orgasm involves the motion of the penis sliding in and out of the vagina. This is the type of stimulation they achieve in Missionary, Doggy, and other positions where they’re in control.

Now, when it comes to Cowgirl, because the woman is the one in control, they might decide to move up and down (sliding in and out motion), or they might decide to grind. Due to men’s orgasm coming from the sliding in and out motion rather than the grinding motion, it’s natural that there will be differences in the sensation that either gender feels when having sex in Cowgirl.

THE FAVORITE

In a survey, Women’s Health Magazine asked over 800 men what their favorite sex position was, and while the number one sex position was Doggy Style, Cowgirl came as a close second. Men admitted to liking the Cowgirl because of the view they get to enjoy during sex and that their partner is in control over their pleasure.

When the men were asked which sex position they’d like to have sex in more often, the number one pick was Cowgirl, with Reverse Cowgirl being the second most popular choice. Also, in another survey conducted by the dating website QuickFlirt where over 2,000 men were asked about various sex things, it was also revealed that Cowgirl was the second most favorite sex position for men.

These findings show that many men enjoy the Cowgirl sex position with their partner. Even if the stimulation in this position is not the most optimal for the easiest orgasm for men, there are still many reasons why it’s an enjoyable position that turns them on, like watching their partner get off and take pleasure while they get the best view.

DANGERS OF COWGIRL POSITION

While Cowgirl is the crowd’s favorite sex position, it’s also one of the most dangerous sex positions for men. And all of it is because it’s the easiest position to cause penis fractures.

See Also

DO MEN REALLY NOT FEEL ANYTHING DURING COWGIRL?

The topping partner gets to take the captain’s role as they enter their partner in the missionary position, then lift up both their partner’s legs high to delve into the deep. It’s perfect for adding a couples’ massager like IDA, and by adding a cushion underneath the receiver’s hips, you can also use this position for anal sex if you’re in the mood for plundering some booty!

4. IF YOU WANT TO TURN THEIR WORLD UPSIDE DOWN…

The Bat is a sex position so tough to pull off, you might want to leave it to the undead to enjoy. If you’re keen to try it, you’ll certainly need a very sturdy chin up bar, a lot of practice and even more trust in the partner who is taking you under their wing and supporting both of your weights.

If you’ve really got a thirst for some vampire-role play, may we suggest simply adding some sensual biting and sucking into your love-making? After all, we are well into turtleneck season, and what would bring back memories of Halloween fun in your youth like a few hickies? Leave them in areas where only you two can see them.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

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TURN DOWN YOUR MUSIC – AN EROTIC STORY

CLAIRE WOODRUFF·AUGUST 30, 2022

18 MINS READ

The baseball games that summer were a struggle to watch. They were ruined by the thudding music in the apartment below.

As I had done all that summer, I had stomped my foot and banged my wooden Louisville Slugger on the floor. The pounding didn’t work, because the person below would not turn off that music. Worst of all, there were times that, when the last pitch in the ninth inning was thrown, the music would shut off. By then though, I was too frustrated to care or complain. I had gone through all of the phases of anger: From throwing the remote control, to grief at my state of affairs. And finally, dismissal set in. I just slumped in my recliner. I had missed out on relaxation. But that one afternoon with the music thumping, I had had enough.

I slipped on my loafers and headed downstairs. I pounded on the apartment’s door. The volume dropped, and there was a shuffling and muffled talk beyond the door. The deadbolt clicked, the door unlocked, and the handle turned.

Suddenly, a whoosh of heat flooded out of the door. And that heat wasn’t all due to the summer. It was her.

“’Allo,” the woman said gently. “Como esta usted, señor? Er, how you do, sir?” She switched to English, having mistakenly begun in her native language.

She was lovely. Thick, black hair, falling onto her shoulders. Smooth skin. Eyes, dark as marble. A wide, friendly smile.

She patted her forehead with the back of her hand.

She wore an off-the-shoulder blouse, short-sleeved with ruffles. The Mexican peasant blouse was white and trimmed in green and red.

All of the summer’s pent-up anger fizzled away, like steam disappearing above a pot of boiling water. Still, I tried to be forceful. “I hear your music. It’s pretty loud.” It was the best I could muster as the innocent dark eyes looked back at me, or more specifically, stared into me.

Those eyes widened in surprise. “La musicia. I sorry,” she said meekly through her thick accent. “I, we, bailamos, estamos practicando, practice dance. Me and my partner.”

A tall man glided into view with long strides. He leaned against the doorframe confidently. His other hand snaked around her waist as if protecting her, and he pulled her tight in a squeeze. She elbowed him playfully in his gut. They started jibber-jabbering in their language briefly, flirting. Then she turned back to me.

“We quiet music for you,” she said.

Her dancing partner was confounded. He wheeled her around. “We cannot, we practice. We will not win if we quit now.” He broke away from English and spun into Spanish. I understood nothing they said, except, through their eyes, I understood they were quarreling with each other. Finally they paused.

She turned to me sheepishly. “We… Uh, do you like to watch?”

“Watch you two dance?” She surprised me. I didn’t care about dancing but because of her.

I saw the base of her light-brown neck and chest glistening with a sheen of perspiration.

“I guess so, sure. Got nothing else to do. The ball game’s over now.”

The man reached beyond the woman, scrunching her between us, and shook my hand quickly, firmly. “I am Ricardo.” He rolled the Rs. He let go and patted the woman’s shoulders. “And she is Catalina.”

She curtsied and then took my hand to lead me inside the apartment. The place had a lingering scent of perspiration and coffee.

The center of the room was cleared out. The furniture—a couch, a coffee table, a lamp, and that damned sound system—was pushed against the walls. They had scuffed raw the hardwood floor from their hours of dancing.

Ricardo grabbed Catalina’s hand and confidently spun her. Her long skirt rose in a flurry, showing toned brown legs. Then he pulled her body tight to his. Her skirt fell limp, as did her hair. Her eyes met his. They were one. They floated across the floor, hand-in-hand, eyes locked, backs arched, necks lengthened, both dramatic in their movements.

I sat on the couch to watch them twirl and dance. It was nice to follow them move. So graceful. Mainly it was her. Unexpectedly, there was a knock at the door. The pair paused momentarily in mid-move, and she shouted out, “Door opened!”

A man in slacks and a button-up dress shirt walked in with a large grin on his face.

“Hola, como estas?” he said in a poor Spanish accent.

“Listo para vernos bailar,” Catalina said, before Ricardo whirled her across the floor. Her skirt rose up high, revealing her legs again.

This newcomer took a seat next to me and put his hand out. “Mark. Who are you?”

“Shawn.”

“How did you find out about this?”

“I live one floor up. Their music was so loud, I came to complain. I ended up watching.”

“Too loud, eh?” He huffed with a laugh. “What else have you heard from up there?”

“Just the music. Something else happening that I haven’t heard?”

“Oh. The music is the least of it, man.”

Catalina nabbed Mark’s attention immediately, as she urged him over to her with her finger.

“Mark, mi amor! Dance with me?” she asked with her bottom lip pushed forward, like a girl worried about not getting the candy she wants.

“Oh yeah, Catalina!” He jumped up and did the worst shimmy-gyration to the middle of the hardwood floor.

As she lured him away from the couch easily, his eyes never left hers. The Flamenco dance that I assumed she and Ricardo were practicing was finished. She began to grind her backside into Mark. She bent over, tucking her hair behind her ear, so she could watch the man’s face. She raised her skirt over her knees and higher up her toned, brown thighs. Any higher and she would be showing panties.

Ricardo plopped down on the worn-out couch, making the springs squeaky. “Lovely, yeah, amigo?”

“Her? Oh yes, very,” I said, startled by his sudden appearance. “You two were practicing, so is this guy a part of your dance routine?”

“No, no, Shawn.” He smiled broadly. “They, er, make …”

“Make what?”

“Likes to fuck her.”

I was confused and my contorted face conveyed my thoughts to Ricardo.

“You too like Catalina?”

“What?”

“You can. Her, now, here.” Ricardo waved his hands, attempting to make it plain and taking down any language barriers.

I laughed off the absurd notion that I had to have misunderstood. “I came down to tell you to turn down the music. Nothing else, nothing. I didn’t mean to do anything to her.”

As I said it, Catalina moaned hysterically. Mark was leaning over her. He had pulled up her dress and slid her red panties into her butt. Then he smacked her ass.

“Mark, no pares, no pares!” she squealed joyfully.

Ricardo nudged me as he watched. “Nice, eh?”

Before I could answer, there was another knock at the door.

“Come in,” Ricardo called.

Inside walked another lovely woman. Tall and dark-skinned with a full figure. Her wife-beater tank top was stretched tightly across her breasts and her shorts barely contained her thick thighs.

“Anna, chica,” he said. He jumped off the couch, making it squeak. “Good to see you here. Ready to dance?”

“Vamos a bailar,” she said in an American accent.

Ricardo and Ana started their own bump-and-grind while laughing and enjoying each other. Soon, they were glistening with sweat but still dancing hard on the dance floor.

I remained on the worn sofa, watching the four bodies. It was awkward. My cheeks reddened from a mixture of that awkwardness and the increasing temperature in the room. Heat was escaping off my scalp. Was it time to leave?

My temperature rose to a new height when Ana got rid of her shirt. She flung it across the room. Her large breasts bounced and wiggled as even her bra barely had the strength to hold them.

“Look ‘ere, Catalina,” Ricardo shouted over the music and pointed to the top hanging on the lampstand. “She beat you.”

Catalina wagged her finger. “She not beat me.” She reached deep under her skirt and out came those red panties, stained dark with sweat or more. She was about to fling them, like Ana, but caught my eye before it left her fingers. Leaving Mark still gyrating, she sauntered to me, dragging her toe with each step.

She stood in front of me, staring hungrily like a wolf. Her breasts at eye-level. The panties dangled from between her thumb and forefinger, as if preparing me. She slid the panties over my head and adjusted them so the wetted crotch was against my nose.

The scent was a mix of wet towels forgotten on the floor and deep desire. A lovely smell.

I drew in a deep breath and when I opened my eyes and shifted the panties, she bent over, took the bottom hem of her dress, and pulled it up, like it was a flower petal. Catalina had a narrow bush of thick black hair covering her pussy.

My jaw dropped. My heart sped up, and I felt the pulse in my neck beat deadly fast.

“You like?”

“I, uh … amazing … Catalina.” I coughed out the words because she had sucked the wind out of me from three feet away.

“Bailar conmigo?” she said.

I stood up, the couch springs squealing, and she took my hand.

“You are very happy, pleased, by coming to see.” She reached down to rub her hand against my hardness. Her touch charmed me, and I would have gone anywhere at that moment. And she asked me to.

“Quítate los pantalones, Shawn, pants off.”

Ricardo, Mark and Ana turn to look at me. They, no doubt, wondered if I would really do it.

I waited too long for Ana.

“My top is off, Shawn. Catalina’s panties are on your head. Do it.”

“I want to see all, no pants, no underwear, no calzoncillos.” A wicked grin formed over her mouth. She knew she had me in her clutches.

“Come on, Shawn, show us,” Ana said again.

Mark interrupted. “I will take my pants off for you, Catalina.”

“Me too,” Ricardo chimed in, already unbuckling his belt.

“I have seen all before. I want to see new Shawn,” she replied without looking at either of the willing guys.

I was still frozen, but a knock on the door saved me. There was chit-chat on the other side of the door. I questioned how more people could come to this apartment.

Catalina’s eyes unlocked from my waist. “To start,” she called out and clapped once.

I pulled her panties off my head and jammed them in my front pocket. I noticed Ana was not in sight.

“’Allo! Come in, come in,” Catalina said. She guided in four couples. I scanned the room counting the people. Eight new folks, four women and four men, Mark and Ricado, Ana and Catalina. I saw that Ana returned with her tank on again and Ricardo’s belt was buckled.

The place was abuzz with the thirteen people, including me, in the small apartment. We were in the largest room and were bumping shoulders and more. I guess Catalina and Ricardo’s Flamenco practice was over. They could never practice here with all these people.

“Ready everyone?” Ricardo shouted above the din. “It is time.”

A few of the girls clapped and giggled in their excitement. The crowd moved to the wall, several sat on the couch and even on the couch’s back. The springs had already screamed and were struggling with the additional weight.

Catalina stood before the people. “Welcome, thank you to come. Tonight to be fun. We have a guest. My … my … Mi vecino.” She glanced at Ricardo for help.

“Our neighbor from upstairs.”

“Ah, neighbor, yes. He join us. You will enjoy him.” She gleamed at me. “Stand, wave.”

I gave a half-cocked wave with a pursed smile. I was completely perplexed. I had witnessed a lot already. Was it done?

“He come here because music was high. He does not like it, but me and Ricardo lo capturó!” She mimicked herself walking toward me with claws. “Tonight we show him what we do and nuestro prisionero de guerra.”

Ricardo interpreted. “He’s our prisoner of war.” He grinned and then continued, “We lost the studio. We were too rowdy for it. So, thank you for traveling this many blocks uptown.” The group cheered wildly, giving high-fives and patting each other’s thighs. “This may be our new play place, unless we find something else. For now, we meet here. But”—he raised his finger, giving a warning—“we must persuade Shawn.”

The group eyed me. A few of them made their eyebrows dance with sinister knowledge. “We can do that,” Ana said, and other girls and guys acquiesced.

Then Catalina took the lead again.

“Who go first?”

“We will,” a middle-aged woman said, waving her hand above her head. “We’ve been practicing a lot.”

She grabbed the man with her and dragged him from the couch. “You’ll all will like this.”

Catalina took a seat in the center of the couch, next to Ana, and she leaned against Ricardo who was sitting on the back of the couch behind her.

The group watched the pair move closely together. It was not Flamenco. It was no dance I could label. When finished with a bow, they applauded. Catalina, Ricardo, and the others gave kind critiques. Once Catalina stood to demonstrate some movements, and all I could think of was her panties. She had none on and most of the dancers didn’t even know.

And on went the couples dancing. I was there for nearly three hours from the time I had first come down with a simple complaint. During those hours, I noticed when Catalina sat on the couch to observe, her hand often was on Ana’s thigh. It would run across Ana nonchalantly as she observed the dancers.

The last pair—a twenty-something couple, she with large breasts that moved attractively—finished, bowed and received their critique. Then Catalina stood.

“Good, everyone. I see practice and growing skill in your dance and in your love-making,” she said.

Love-making? I thought. A strange description.

“Now, to the kitchen for drinks!” She raised her hands and cheered.

The couch emptied. It squeaked loudly, maybe over the excitement of the group of happy-go-lucky amateur dancers. Wine bottles popped open. Beer caps clattered on the counters. Glasses and bottles clanked before being sipped or chugged.

Ana brought me a bottle of beer and raised her glass.

“Cheers.” She radiated excitement. “This is a good place to have found so ‘accidentally.’ The music bothered you that much?”

“It was loud. I could have danced to it, if I danced.” I took a swig. “I had no idea what was going on down here or who it was.”

“No idea, huh. That’s the ‘accidentally’ part?” She smirked. “You were quite surprised when you came down.”

“To say the least. All I heard was the music through the floor. And now, well, I’ve seen so, so much. The four of you dancing and then this—what is it, a dance class?”

“We all dance, yes. And more.” The edges of her lips curled upward. “You’ll see.”

“I’ve seen way more than I expected. I saw Catalina’s you-know-what and she wanted to see my …”

Ana had a hard time stopping her giggling.

“And you.” I pointed at her. “You had your tank top off already tonight.”

Suddenly, she shrieked in laughter, unable to hold back. Her body rocked back and forth in her fit of hysterics. I stood there awkwardly, beer in hand.

She slowly composed herself. “That was nothing.”

Still gathering herself, she patted her chest and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

“I want to be with you first. But I may have to fight off Catalina.” Her eyes darted sideways. “She has her claws in you already. You’re hers.”

“Me?” Now I laughed. “I can’t dance. I don’t want to dance. I just wanted to watch baseball and relax.”

“You can, you can dance. Come with me.”

“Where to?”

She took my hand and started to lead me from the group to a quieter corner.

“Ana,” Catalina sang her name. “I am first with him. You took last one.”

Ana dropped my hand immediately and huffed her name.

Ana whispered her warm breath into me ear. “Another time, tonight or later.”

“You had what last?” I asked. I was even more confused.

“You and me, later,” she said and stepped away drinking the last drops from her wine glass.

“Now, my neighbor, Mr. Shawn,” Catalina said, taking my hand. Hers were cold from the drink she had been holding. “I want to show you around. First to my bedroom.”

With all that I had seen, I tried to get a semblance of the relationships, especially as she was about to lead me into her bedroom. To me, bedrooms are not rooms to show off. I try to avoid others’ bedrooms, being they are very personal spaces.

“To whose bedroom? Yours and Ricardo’s?”

“It is mine, as you are now mine.”

“Is he your boyfriend, husband?”

“I love all these men and women. These is close friends as I hope you to be.”

She led me ahead.

The room was fit with a massive king-size bed. The bed had an extravagant mirror headboard and a mirror on the ceiling. It was too over-the-top to be in a simple, small apartment. To be honest, the apartment overall had as its main piece of furniture a squeaky couch.

Then Catalina suddenly confirmed what she planned to do.

“This is our true dance floor,” she told me, leaning against the bed and patting the thick comforter. “Now to learn your dance skill.” She slid her hands down my chest to my pants. Her eyes had turned masterful. She was no longer the small Mexican woman who was still working on her English. My vision followed her hands as they found my hardening cock. Looking down, I saw the deep darkness between her lovely breasts.

She undid the button on my khakis and slowly pulled down the zipper. Having peeled me open, she knelt down. The exotic woman glanced up for a second as if getting my permission to proceed.

My mind told me to object. It shot me warning messages. What if Ricardo found out? What would he say? What would he do to me? I didn’t want to live in the same apartment building as a man who would be so infuriated enough to hunt me down. But my mouth would not speak to Catalina, telling her to stop.

Seeing no objection, she focused on the dick she had wanted to see.

As my mind warned, she drizzled a bit of sticky saliva onto the head of my fully erect dick and smeared it around with her tongue. Without a look, she gently kissed the tip. Then, her mouth opened achingly slow. I waited for her to wrap her mouth around me.

Her lips enclosed me, and I felt her tongue rub against the underside of my cock. It was a soft rub. Before my mind comprehended the situation, she was already deep-throating me and bobbing wildly. When I could open my eyes, I noticed her breasts like pears hanging from a tree.

My mind overtook my mouth. “Catalina, please, don’t. I can’t … “

She stopped abruptly, pulling her mouth away from my cock. She looked up, her lips plump and her chin glistening with drool. “You don’t like my job?”

“It’s not that, it’s Ricardo. What if he … “

“Do not worry about Ricardo.” She naturally rolled the Rs in the name.

Thinking of the rolling Rs, there was a new presence in the room. I turned my head, and he stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Forget Ricardo, he will never find out.” He almost growled the word exaggeratedly. Then the lean man strode into the bedroom.

Catalina stood up quickly, directly in front of me. I remained against the bed, in shock.

“Ricardo, I didn’t know, I just … I came to ask you to turn down the music, not all this. You believe me, right?” My tongue fumbled in my mouth and seemed to leave as much drool on my chin as Catalina had on hers.

Ricardo stepped behind Catalina and flung up her skirt so it was on her head. Her ass was still bare.

“You like her sucking?” He stared into my face. “She does good. She can do better, right, Catalina?” He smacked her butt hard. The flesh jiggled.

I didn’t respond. I still feared that a violent fallout might erupt.

“I do better,” she said to me. “Better with two.”

I gulped. Ricardo had his dick out and was rubbing it up and down her ass. He found her rosebud and urged himself in. She winced with the beginning of anal, but soon relaxed and exhaled in pleasure. When he started to rock back and forth, she went back to me. She, in fact, worked harder than before. She sucked much better with a man fucking her ass. She sucked my dick and rubbed her tongue over my head and all around it.

In no time, I felt the deep surge of pleasure boil and rise inside of me. I tried to suppress it, to calm my body. But she was too good.

“Catalina, I’m going to…” I cringed in pleasure. My thighs tightened. My butt tensed up. I grabbed the blanket on the bed, pulling it toward me.

“Fuck her face and cum in her mouth. She love it like that,” Ricardo ordered, easing his thrusts.

So, I grabbed her black hair and pulled it back and forth, gagging her with my length. She gurgled deep in her throat. Her eyes rolled up as she felt the pressure of two men. Suddenly, I exploded in her mouth. She swallowed it all, her tongue slurping in the remnants out of the corners of her mouth. Then she licked the last bit of ooze from my head.

I collapsed against the bed, but Ricardo returned to his fast-paced rhythm and fucked Catalina hard. Her cheeks had a rosy hue of heat, and her forehead beaded with sweat. Richard’s face and neck were tensed as he rammed her mercilessly from behind. Catalina braced herself against the bed, her hands around me gripped the sheet. I saw her breasts flailing and swinging wildly. Her hair had covered her face, some sticking against her overheated cheeks. Suddenly, she shrieked as they both climaxed.

They eased themselves out of their state of erotic fury. Ricardo regained his breath and looked at me. “She always do better with two dicks. Agree?”

Her eyes still sought my approval. I smiled at her. “Yes, she is best with two.”

Having gathered my wits about me, I decided to head back upstairs. I needed to rest, to regain my senses, to determine if this was true. But when I stepped out of the bedroom, I was shocked again.

Ana sat on the floor, leaning against the couch. Her arms were spread wide. That white tank top pulled high. Two men were on their sides and sucking and nibbling on her large breasts. I gasped when I heard her exhale a low, slow moan.

“Mama’s here, ready to feed you,” she said dreamily, running her fingers through their hair.

She, Catalina, Ricardo, the whole crowd, were too much. This all was too much. I only wanted to have my neighbours turn down the music.

0 notes

hollyjaques · 26 days

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THEIR FROSTIE FREEZE – AN EROTIC STORY

CLAIRE WOODRUFF·OCTOBER 6, 2023

15 MINS READ

“I’ll take a triple decker chocolate ice cream cone,” Greg said to the teenage boy in his cone hat working at the Frostie Freeze.

“Three dollars,” the boy replied, bored.

Greg set down the bills. “You’re really ripping us off, you know. Three dollars for one cone.”

The boy in the odd hat shrugged and said nothing.

Greg knew the price was steep but watching Karen made it worth every penny. He took his cone and met Wayne at the corner of the small ice cream stand.

“She’s got a vanilla tonight,” Wayne said. “Man, just the way she licks that cone. If only she would …”

“She’s got to be good at giving head,” Greg said.

“Good? You mean great.”

“I’ll upgrade my opinion when she finishes sucking my own dick.”

“I never pictured her as giving head, on her knees,” Wayne said. “I considered her more a classic missionary, liking to be flat on her back and getting fucked hard.”

“You think too much about her. How many years has she been in your dreams? Causing more wet socks than can be counted.”

“Since junior high. Her tits just—bam!—popped out.”

“So did her ass.”

“Everything.” Wayne scooped out a spoonful of his chocolate sundae with nuts. “I bet she has caused more guys to you-know-what than any other girl. Combine all the fantasies of the other girls and the total would come to less than Karen alone.”

Greg dabbed his mouth with his napkin. “Got to say she’s done a lot in my dreams too. Someday it won’t be a dream.”

“Come on, man. It ain’t gonna happen. That’s the real dream. You’re a dumbass if you believe it’s true.”

“You talk about living by faith, but you don’t really believe, do you?”

“Hey, I’d fuck Faith too.”

“You know what I mean. But I agree about Faith. A little big for my taste. I’d taste her in case I’m wrong.”

“So are you going to do something, make a move, to get Karen? You can’t stand back here and get laid. Your dick’s not long enough.”

“How do know how long my cock is, dude?”

“Shut up.”

“I’m going to make my move,” Greg said.

“Tonight?”

Greg eyed Karen, who sat on one of the pink tables at the Frostie Freeze.

“Tonight?” Wayne asked again.

Greg inhaled deeply. “Yes, tonight. I got this. Just a couple of minutes to finish my cone.” He ate half of his ice cream in a single bite.

“At the clubs, a guy buys the lady a drink. You going to buy her ice cream as your ‘in’?” Wayne said.

“What would that convey to her, to buy her more ice cream?”

“Yeah, you’re right. She might think you think she can put a lot of food away. A chowhound. Avoid the extra ice cream. How about a napkin? No,” he corrected himself immediately. “That might say you think she’s messy. Tough to get an ‘in’ with these girls.”

Wayne ate another spoonful of his sundae. “I think the hardest part is her friends. All those eyes glaring at you as you come up to them. Then it’s easier to get talking to one of them and miss the one who you really want to talk to. Ugh, packs of girls. Is getting laid worth the effort?”

“Sure as fuck it is,” Greg answered firmly. “The titties, the pussy, the things they can do with their hands and lips. Trust me, you need to get laid soon.” Greg slapped Wayne’s chest. “I’m going to get Karen now.”

“I’ve gotten laid before, son,” Wayne called back faintly. But Greg had already left for Karen.

Greg’s heart sped up as he walked to the pack of girls with his prize in the center of it. In his mind raced the many dreams, more so fantasies, he had had in which Karen was the star.

“Greg, I’ve wanted to fuck you for so long. Let’s go right now. Forget everyone else. You’re the only one I want. You’ve got my full attention. Tell me what you want me to do to you. I’m willing.”

The thought jolted through Greg’s mind as he approached. He had to wash it away so he could make this a relatively normal guy-and-girl conversation at the Frostie Freeze.

“Hi, Karen, hey everybody. What’s up tonight? Hanging out?”

The stares of the girls, who had been interrupted from their chitter-chatter, hit him, slapped him in the chest. His cheeks warmed. He had to swallow. Why couldn’t she be alone?

“Yeah, hanging out,” Karen replied dryly at the obvious question.

The other girls studied the specimen that had approached their pink table. He felt their eyes run up his body. His gray loafers, thin legs, khaki shorts, pineapple-patterned button-up shirt, disheveled hair. He questioned his whole choice of clothes, his haircut, his style.

“Pretty good ice cream here. I’ve been waiting all winter for this place to open,” he said.

“We all have,” a fair-skinned girl said, answering instead of Karen.

There was a pause. A moment’s pause may be quick, but, in that situation, it lasted forever. Greg wished he had never come over. He could have just dreamed about Karen.

“Got any summer plans, Karen?” He specified this time who he was talking to. He didn’t care about the other girls’ plans.

“Uh, a couple of trips, I guess,” she replied dryly.

“You planning anything?”

The group felt awkward with the strained talk between Karen and Greg. The other girls remained silent and looked on.

“Wyoming, I think. To see the Rockies, the mountain range, not the baseball team.” He chuckled awkwardly and ended up laughing alone.

“I know the difference. It’s the Colorado Rockies, not the Wyoming Rockies.”

He couldn’t believe how badly things had gone in a moment’s time. Karen nearly broke Greg’s will to stand there. To the left, two girls giggled softly, then turned away to talk about something else.

“I’d like to see the Rockies and the Rockies,” Faith interjected into the conversation that had soured.

“You would?” asked Karen and Greg together.

“Jinx! Buy me a soda,” Karen clamored to Greg. “I want a root beer float.”

Greg was astounded. Faith broke the awkwardness, and now he was buying Karen something to drink. A true ‘in’.” Faith may have saved everything.

“Come on, Faith. I’ll get you one too, if you want,” Greg said.

“I had an ice cream cone already.”

“Just get a small float,” Karen said. “I mean he’s paying for heaven’s sake.”

She grabbed Faith’s hand and dragged her to the Frostie Freeze’s ordering window.

Faith and Karen, with Greg, ate their floats at the picnic table and talked about the summer. Faith eased the tension so much and let the conversation continue smoothly.

A few minutes later, Wayne came over. “Greg, I need to leave. Gotta get the car back. You coming with me?”

Greg’s heart sank, disappointed. Things were getting good. Now Wayne’s curfew fouled up everything.

“He can stay,” Karen interjected unexpectedly. “Greg, we’ll get you home tonight.”

Greg smiled. “Well, Wayne, looks like I’m not coming with you tonight. I’m coming with Faith and Karen.”

Wayne nodded and left, grinning.

When he was gone, Karen leaned forward and raised her eyebrows. “You know, Greg, I got what you said to him. A bad subtle message.”

“What do you mean? I would never …”

Faith nodded at Greg too. “Pretty obvious, not as subtle as you thought.”

Greg didn’t know what to say. That choked-up feeling tightened his throat again.

“Look, Kay, he’s turned red. He’s all embarrassed,” Faith teased.

“Like a poor puppy dog with his tail between his legs,” Karen added.

“I bet he’s got a tail between his legs. You know what I mean?” She nudged Karen overtly.

“I certainly do. Wink, wink. I wonder if it’s a big tail or a little one.”

“Big or small, it’s a hard tail now. Well, poor doggie, is it?” Faith murmured like an old woman talking to her spoiled pet.

Greg’s heart thumped fast, speeding faster than during basketball practice. His cock started to stiffen, like they had said, and was bent uncomfortably. It pointed down his thigh and toward the bottom of his shorts.

He could have scrambled away in sheer embarrassment but opted to take a chance with overt flirting.

“It’s a big tail, and it is hard.” He emphasized each word.

“Faith,” Karen said, as if Greg wasn’t there, “I’ve learned to never trust what a guy says about his dick until he can prove it. Too many guys are liars. Or they don’t know how to use a tape measure.”

“They lie to me too. They tell me it’s huge, and their dicks end up being puny wieners.”

“Such a disappointment.” Karen brushed back her hair and dramatically rolled her eyes. “All I can do is lay there and feel nothing but the mattress bouncing up and down.”

“Have our ‘toys’ ruined what we expect from a dick?”

“Maybe. But I have a feeling deep down inside that Greg here may have what we’re looking for. Meaty, thick—”

“I like a set of large balls that smack against my ass when the guy fucks me.”

“Oh! And a huge head, like a strawberry, bulging, and red like he’s about to …”

“Oh, yeah, that’s nice, very nice.”

Karen touched Greg’s hand. He almost jerked it away.

“Will you show us yours, Greg?”

“Please?” Faith added, dramatically hopeful, tilting her head and pouting her lips.

He countered their comments. “Girls tell me stuff too. I wonder if they’re telling the truth.”

“Like what?” The girls answered together.

“What they can do with their tongues, how tight they are.”

The girls looked at each other, rolled their eyes, and then looked back to Greg.

“A girl would never say that. If you ever do hear it though, trust a girl when she’s telling you those kinds of things,” Karen said. “Girls don’t lie like guys do. We’d rather prove it and leave it a secret. Secret for her and her lover to know. But we’re nice and tight, right, Faith?”

A smile crossed Faith’s lips. “Test these lips. Both sets.”

Greg was astounded at these girls, talking about all this.

Bleep-bleep.

The taillights and turn signal lights flickered on a red SUV parked nearby. And the engine ahemmed into a low growl.

“Ready to go, Greg?” Karen giggled.

“She means, ‘come’ with us,” Faith added.

Karen drove with her hand at the base of the steering wheel. Faith relaxed in the passenger seat, and Greg rode in the back, his knees rubbing against the passenger seat.

They rode in the luxury Land Rover in an awkward silence out of town. Greg’s mind was on what was ahead. The opportunity for a fuck made everything else pale, forgettable for Greg. Multiply that by having two girls and Greg wouldn’t have cared if he was sitting in the most expensive sports car. Nothing else mattered.

The girls must be excited too, Greg thought, hoped.

Greg got a quick glimpse of Faith moving her hand across her chest, like she was attempting to release the heat caught under her shirt. Karen had only one hand on the steering wheel. The other hand was out of sight.

Seeing the girls, he had a strange thought. It would be a wild move, once in a lifetime. It could failure completely. He had no other choice. He unbuttoned his pants, undid his fly and slid his hand into his underwear. He felt his hardness cocked uncomfortably to the left. He shifted and happened to look up and see Karen’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Her eyes squinted.

She reached up with her lost hand and bent the mirror down. Her eyes, which had smiled a moments before, now widened in surprise. “Greg, my god!”

“What?” Faith shouted toward Karen.

Greg didn’t answer Karen, and Karen didn’t answer Faith.

Karen pulled the white Land Rover to the side of the road, and both girls turned toward the backseat.

Greg was frozen in shock. He had exposed himself and had silenced two girls. He feared their silence was his death.

Their stunned faces slowly lightened up. Faith again broke the odd silence.

“It’s so, uh, hard.”

“Yeah, standing straight up.”

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hollyjaques · 26 days

Text

A HANDS-ON INTERVIEW – AN EROTIC STORY

TERENCE ALEXANDER·NOVEMBER 3, 2023

11 MINS READ

An interview to die for… if you’re a hands-on type?

Starting just with her Mum and her best friend Simone some 4 years ago, it was now time to increase her sales staff, which, in reality, was just her. Constantly needing to try fresh ideas, she was hoping that her first [proper] employee would broaden her fledgling company’s appeal.

It was abundantly clear that a change of direction was needed as “toys for boys and girls” was a market just waiting to enable couples to browse, try and discuss their bed-time needs in a private, open, friendly but expert way – a sort of Alpha King and Horny Queen – enabling choices that catered for every fetish, desire or lust you might like to experience or try.

Rosemary Pearson started off and had worked her butt off creating Silicon Creations – a new venture that was partly a creative advertising agency that sort of created fresh ideas for local online businesses around the London area.

Several interviews were lined up, many had interesting ideas but hadn’t put any of them into reality which was so important to her that she’d often go through CV’s way into the evenings. She’d sat and interviewed many promising candidates, hearing numerous snippets of valuable information – but no spark, no originality, no new thinking.

Most of the candidates had qualifications in media, web design, street cred, etc., which were fine, relevant but still very same-ish. Tired, frustrated Rosemary was getting to the point where she began to think her quest for that certain “spark, initiative” wasn’t going to be lit – that is, until Colin sat down.

He was late which wasn’t a great start but, nonetheless, a very lively guy brimming with confidence, well dressed but modern – about 27-ish, she thought? Colin told her that he’d tried a few jobs but hadn’t spotted a gap, an opportunity that he’d wanted to fill. She listened intently to his story and was well impressed by his easy-going, friendly manner. In days gone by, Colin would have been labelled a “real charmer”. What attracted Rosemary was his complete lack of fear, his natural charm and very sensitive nature that was clearly built on the ability to talk to all age-groups.

It was now long after 8pm – she was that tired and hungry, so she asked, “Could you come back in a couple of days please? I’m done, knackered.” Colin agreed to meet at 6pm this coming Thursday, how could Colin refuse? He was already mentally and visually removing her panties before going down on her.

Trying to find words to ensure he’d read the room correctly, Rosemary chirped up with the cheekily stated quip, “Don’t be late then?” – Colin took that as a “Yes” – the date was fixed and eagerly awaited.

“Oh, do you have family? brothers/sisters, etc.?” His answers came out naturally – many would have clammed up, evaded, ducked and dived at her verbal intimacy – but not him.

“Any out of hours commitments, holidays booked, that sort of thing?” She was definitely crossing boundaries at such an early stage of the interview and Colin was unflustered, water off a duck’s back! She ended by asking, “Have you got any questions you’d like to ask… me? Feel free to ask me anything you like.”

“Yes, I have actually,”

“How many sexual partners have you slept with”?

“Are you doing anything after this interview”?

Rosemary was totally shocked, taken a-back at how naturally he’d asked her intimate questions.

“Err, not many she answered – especially recently what with working long hours plus Covid restrictions.”

“How many is ‘not many’ in your book?”

“No more than 3, she answered, well as an adult that is.” Rosemary countered;

“How many have you had?” “More than 3, probably about 6, but one of them was a few years older – she taught me so many things, little things that I’ll never forget.”

“How interesting, what type of things do you mean?”

“Oh, really helpful things, for example:”

“How to treat a woman, technique for going down on them, patience, satisfying them first – that kind of thing.” She sat back, perfectly relaxed taking it all in with a thinly disguised smile on her face. Blimey, she thought, he’s almost interviewing me?

“What else did she teach you then?” Colin thought for a moment, “Do you really want to know? It’s very personal.”

“Yes please, just give it to me as it is.”– “Okay, you did ask.”

“Over the years she’d collected many sex toys, one for each experience you could say.”

“And?”

“She was French and had a very different approach to infidelity than the Brits and Americans.”

“She treated extra marital sex as someone ‘wanting to try all the cakes in the cake shop.'”

Trying to rationalize the logic of such an analogy, her mind was working overtime. Colin added, “However nice an iced bun is, after a while you’d like to try the chocolate éclair flavour and so on.”

Mesmerised, Rosemary sat thoughtfully, “Did her husband mind?” “It wasn’t an issue as she’d laid down a sort of “Agreed Procedure” which basically amounted to, “I’ll spend each weekend and night with you, but what I do in the day is my time.”

“And her husband went through with this knowingly, without any crap?”

“Yes. There could, and were, many benefits.”

“Is that why in your CV you openly stated your view on sexual equality?”

Trying not to appear shocked, “moving on” she added, “you are well versed in both ladies and men’s toys then? That’s given me a very interesting idea, Colin.”

Her mind was already thinking about the many possibilities meeting Colin could have to be a major asset. Colin could offer some sort of “personal service” based on the supply, demonstration and purchasing tailor-made sex toys for adults. She openly asked him, “Does that type of work interest you as much as it does me then, Colin?”

“Well, yes,” Colin continued, “I’m a bit out-of-date in this fast-moving industry as some of the more up-to-date ones have far more features which will need to be researched and then used, etc., but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”

You’d need someone to practice on then?” she said smiling.

“Yes, I think we both know who would fit the bill on that one don’t we?”

“I think we do Colin, we could make a start later in the week, Thursday okay with you?”

After arriving home, an excited Rosemary – no, not just excited but a highly intrigued one – was finding herself carrying out not only a social media search on Colin, but also searching on a couple of local dating sites – anything, anywhere. She was trying to find out anything personal about this guy. She was frustrated as little information was gleaned from either, which only made her more intrigued.

Basically her research came down to this: Colin supported equality issues.

Nothing about family, sporting interests, politics, holiday likes/dislikes, etc.

So much then for her methodically composed, hand-written, carefully-headed landscape table she’s created – one she’d quickly sketched/made in her head – so few notes or personal information came under headings: Family, Attitude, Personality, Size, Hobbies, Sensual clothing, Positives, Negatives, Likeability, etc.

Rosemary felt as though the next two dragged on. Could they both team up and have the sort of boss/employee relationship that would enable them to combine work and pleasure? Thursday arrived and, in true character, she was prepared with lots of questions based on that train of thought and was feeling far more positive.

Colin arrived on time and was the same confident guy who was the least bit concerned whether he’d be offered the job or not. His demeanour wasn’t cocky, but positive. Colin looked at her and smiled warmly into her eyes right from their first glance.

He again smelt beautifully and seemed to have an extra aura of confidence that she was increasingly affected by. As Colin spoke, her mind wondered more about whether she could remain dignified and in control of what Colin was saying in his answers now that her very moist clit was beginning to overwhelm her thoughts – which was, she thought, an added bonus and attractive part of his demeanour.

The now informal interview was conducted professionally until she started delving into his character and background – what/who were his influences? She could then, she rationalised, get to know the “real” Colin.

They chatted quite some time with Rosemary desperately trying and failing to hide her obvious attraction for Colin. “Shall we find somewhere a bit more conducive to get to know one another?” she suggested. “That would be ideal, what and where do you have in mind then?” Trying desperately to retrain her professionalism, she stated that she sometimes used a local hotel when putting on promotions. “I’ve taken the liberty of pre-booking it if that’s okay with you?”

“I need to pop back home first as I think I may have left the hot water running.”

“No problem,” added Colin. They arrived back at the house, driving past the hotel and parked the car on her driveway.

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hollyjaques · 26 days

Text

MY 20-YEAR OFFICE BOYFRIEND – AN EROTIC STORY

TERENCE ALEXANDER·NOVEMBER 7, 2023

8 MINS READ

Our in-the-office affair now needs to be an out-of-office affair, we both agreed. Above all, it MUST survive our pending retirement as both our future happiness depends largely on how Clive’s actual wife and my very occasional guy view the situation, assuming I’d even bother to tell him, that is.

Clive and I have shared an office and a train home five days a week for 20 years. He calls me, his “work wife” – I’m Diane. Clive has a real wife and family which I’ve known about from day one, and I’m many years divorced but happy in my own skin.

Like many professional relationships, we’ve been very professional and have become very close over the years. We’ve shared things we wouldn’t share with our “real” friends and family just by virtue of the time spent together, and we’ve also experienced lots of personal life milestones together.

We’ve never socialized outside of work aside from in-office functions and have never been to each other’s homes. That was, until our joint retiring date loomed over us, creating increasingly hard work.

The chances for retirement were diminishing each day – death by a thousand cuts one might say. We won’t see each other again – it hasn’t been the thrust of our relationship, but each day I began to “know” I would miss him. Clive and I had a sort of brother/sister relationship, and we’d miss the everyday closeness, banter, laughs and rants.

As if we were slowly dying, I imagined he felt the same at some level (we didn’t talk about things like that), but my overriding thoughts were, “How does one navigate ending relationships like this? We both knew it would end eventually. It’s not that we don’t have all kinds of things in common, but without the structure and framework of work, would we have anything real?”

I felt it wouldn’t be the only drawback to retirement for me. I have other (female) work friends who I know I’ll see because we socialize outside of work, but I’ll miss Clive. I’ve woken up a few times over the past month and imagined him next to me – my real husband was a decent guy, but he passed away many years ago.

Even when courting, he was nice, gentle, safe – what more could a girl want? We never had children, and looking back, it was probably because we only had sex a couple of times a month for a total of 10 minutes each session.

In my efforts to find reasoning, finding a way to maintain a relationship regularly filled my thoughts. Should I just accept that this is one of the things that retirement does, and just… let it go? I even went to psychotherapist Ed Thompson, where we talked about the intense friendship one can have, as work colleagues, neighbours, school-run friends, anything which exists as you might say, within a “framework”; but what happens when that goes?

An outside-the-office relationship would require more work, or may just not be possible. It’s a safe way, as Ed says, to get very close to someone. “In a way,” he says, “we protect ourselves with the frame we put around certain friendships.” He also feels it was key that the one person I should be discussing this with, I wasn’t able too.

“There seems to be a certain amount of fear around what could happen if you tried to change this friendship. Take it outside work; In this situation, work is like the parent, it has allowed you a boundary so you haven’t had to think about your friendship. Now that is about to end, it’s up to both of you what happens next.” Heterosexual men and women being ‘just’ friends is still difficult for some people to come to terms with. Can you really maintain this friendship outside of work?

Perhaps. It’s certainly worth trying, but I was still torn. The following morning I blindsided Clive, prompting momentary silence between us. The tension was palpable – even asking if coffee would break the ice didn’t cut it. The morning seemed an eternity, and Clive did his best but no eye contact was offered.

The mundane thought of how we’d both get on was now a “will we be allowed” to? My mind was working overtime – how did Clive really feel as a lot depends on how he feels – what, if anything, does his wife feel about our friendship?

Despite living in a supposedly enlightened society, heterosexual men and women being “just” friends is still difficult for some people to come to terms with. A lot seems to depend on cultural norms (when I left London for the countryside, very few people I met had opposite sex friends, only people they played sport with or another “framework” could they define their relationship by).

“There’s going to be a massive loss of routine when you stop work,” says Ed Mills, “so I imagine the potential loss of him is intertwined with that.” You seem perfectly OK about retirement and seem to have a good life outside of it, but it is a big life stage and one I think you should allow yourself to feel.

I remembered Ed saying: “You could suggest something like; Why don’t we meet for lunch 2 months after we’ve retired?’ “Yes,” I replied, “we could do it in a very fun, light way, not a heavy ‘we need to form a new friendship’ thing.” “If Clive says “No,” that’s a disappointment but you’ll know. If he says “Yes,” that may determine for both of you that there is something you both want to continue.”

With two days left before enforced retirement, I was determined to lighten the mood. How I did that was very much “out of character”, but something inside me wanted to dress totally out of character.

Retail therapy was something I’d not done for years, and I have to admit, I was wanting to provoke Clive and give him something special. Lunch hour beckoned, so I told Clive I would be a bit late because of a dentist appointment. He looked up, smiled, and said, “No problem, I think the company wouldn’t object as you’ve given them plenty of hours over the years.”

Newly 60, I was trying to remember how many years it was since I last made the effort to treat myself sartorially. I settled on the best part of 20 years ago. I looked into many shop windows trying to select smart, but different outfits – I wanted a very different look. First things first, hair appointment. “Hi Diane, lovely to see you – is it your usual?” “No, all change for me, thanks. I want a more interesting look.”

After some trial and error, hair this and that way, back, front, side-combed – chat of what type of dress I would wear, earrings, if any – the usual things that turn guys heads whatever her age. They agreed that the dress should dictate her “new look”, so they agreed to resume in one hour. Shop after shop, was spent trying various styles, colors, too revealing, not revealing enough etc. I chuckled to myself remembering all of my teenage poses – I was reliving different eras of my life.

I found a dress and showed it to my hairdresser so she could finish off the look.

When I got back to the office, Clive looked right in my face and said, “Wow, I’ve never seen you with make-up, you look lovely Diane.” I was so flattered and reminded him, as if he needed reminding, that the office was leaving early tomorrow. Last day – company tradition.

On arrival the following day, I was struggling with my new look so I got in a bit earlier. Halfway down the corridor were several cards and bunches of flowers from different departments I’d worked with over the years.

Some of the cards were for Clive and a box that clearly contained a bottle of Champagne and others containing copious amounts of his favourite lager.

As usual with these types of events, there was a day off from everyday office routine. Even women who barely spoke to me over the years had willingly signed many cards now adorning my desk.

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