hopelesslylovesick

[hopelesslylovesick]

Well then.

December 15, 2021 | 12:40 AM

It’s been about a week and a half since we decided to officially cut things off. We spoke since then but just little bits here and there.

I think early on I was still clinging on, constantly looking for signs of her and seeing if I could make excuses to talk to her. We texted for the first time today, she asked me briefly about if I had bday plans to which I told her I didnt.

That was all, the whole exchange. Even though it doesn’t really mean anything, I can’t help but feel that she must be pretty moved on already. Who knows, maybe not and she’s just being self disciplined in the whole cutting off thing. And that’s a very real possibility, but I can’t help but feel like that’s not the case. All the little interactions we had since then give me the sense that she seems fairly moved on. And you know what, I need to start accepting that this is it.

Not that before I thought we’d get back together or something. But it’s hard to accept it immediately you know? I need to stop trying to hold on and let go. I need to stop checking to see if she maybe posted a new story, see how she is, and try to see what she’s up too. Because it’s none of my business anymore.

Man it sucks. It really does. And honestly I feel like a huge idiot for trying to hold on to it. She seems fine, besides not like she doesn’t have a bf to be there for her lmao. I’m tired of it. I’ve had such low energy lately and no motivation for things. I honestly sort of want to do a line or something on my bday night again. Just to clear my head and reset or something.

I had a thought come to me earlier tonight. Bit of a sad one really, but it’s the fact that I don’t think I have the energy to date and really care for someone how I used to. When I first dated A or X I always wanted to go above and beyond. Whether it’s write cute little letters, give flowers to them, whatever it is. I was always so eager and willing to do little cute shit for the person I was with. But idk if I have that kind of energy anymore. I’m just so tired.

I’m sure that if I find someone I really love I’ll want to, and I really hope I do. But man…I can’t help but feel like I won’t be able to. Like, how long do I have to keep trying like this only for things to end? Man I prob sound so pathetic and all, but honestly i don’t really care at this point.

Why am I trying to love someone who can’t give me that same love back? Man and that was such a big point for me that I never mentioned to her, and maybe I should have, but realistically what would it have changed? I definitely thought about bringing it up with her on our last night together, but I chose to just be happy with her for a little longer while I could.

That shit doesn’t work, there’s a flaw. Dont get me wrong I can see situations where it could work. But regardless the flaw exists that at the end of the day, I wasn’t and I was never going to be her primary partner. I know she loved me, and I fully believe that. But I also recognize that while she may have been my #1 to me, I wasn’t necessarily hers. It wasn’t something that I let bother me too much during our relationship, but it definitely had its moments where it would pop up. Moments where she’d prioritize him over me, and honestly that shit bothered me a little. Man I feel stupid even complaining about it, but like it was what it was. At the end of the day she could have been my all, but I was never going to be hers.

Idk if I’ll share this with her. I remember that she said she wants to read everything I write after we break up but like what’s even the point LOL. Does she even care all that much? It seems to me like the longer we’re apart the more fine she is without me, it’s only when we see eachother or what not that she seems to actually miss me.

This wasn’t even supposed to be this long but I got real ranty I guess.

Change of topics a little bit. Actually nevermind. I’ll wait to recap this year when I inevitably make a drunk/high post on or around my bday.

I wonder if she’ll even try to still do anything for christmas w me lol. I think I’ll just expect or assume that nothings happening. That way I won’t have to be disappointed if nothing happens. Maybe I’ll just go watch the movie on my own. That way maybe I won’t associate it with her, who knows.

I might go to the AGO alone this Saturday. We’ll see if I’m actually not lazy enough to go, but I do want to sort of just walk around and take pictures at the picasso exhibit. Listen to some music while I’m there. We’ll see.

Still need to decide if I want to buzz my hair. It’s not even bc of her tbh, just mainly bc my hair keeps being unruly LOL

Hope I’m able to land a co-op placement for the summer soon. Adulting is coming near in the future and that shit scared me lol. Think I may start going harder at the gym, just so that I’ll be too tired to think that way.

That’s it, I can probably keep going but I’m going to stop myself. Oh yeah, I think I might be a lil depressed but honestly prob not lmao. Just seasonal sadness I bet. Been listening to To Be Loved by Adele this whole time while writing. I want to cry a little bit. If it was a friday I’d definitely be drinking rn.

Future me, I hope you’re happier then I am now.

[hopelesslylovesick]

It’s happening.

October 29, 2021 | 2:13 AM

You know I always said and thought to myself that I won’t be able to get over her properly until I learn that she did something. Whether it’s hooking up with someone or whatever it be I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get over her until then.

And today, just now I think the first step happened. She’s at the club right now, and who knows what she’s doing but that’s not even why. Went on tinder and mindlessly swiped like I usually do, I never even talk to any of the people I match so idk why I bother.

But while on there I decided to go to our old convo on tinder and noticed that her profile looked different. And lo and behold, she updated it, new pics and all. I kept going through the different pictures she had added there and I could slowly feel the despair creeping in.

It’s almost refreshing in a weird way tho, bc I feel like I can finally slowly, but surely, start trying to get over her. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t foolishly believe somewhere deep down that we could still work or get back together somehow. But this helped me shake it off. She’s looking to move on, and nothing wrong with that, but it means that I should start trying to as well.

Idk what moving on entails for me, as much as I want to say that I won’t get with anyone, who even knows - the last time I thought that I met her. I’m glad I’m going drinking tmrw with my friends, it’s perfect timing really.

It sucks. It still really sucks. Even now I want to say fuck work tmrw and just drink or something. But I knew this was coming, it was inevitable. It’s held out for long enough at this point I guess.

On a side note, listening to Stay Ready by jhene and kendrick and what a good song. I’m trying to feel like that again someday LOL

It’s hard, and even now I dont want to accept that she’s moving on and I should too. I loved her, and I still do. So damn much. But it didn’t work out for a reason and I need to remember that. It’s time I get back to focusing on myself as corny as that is to say. Idek what that means tbh, like what am I going to do, get shredded again? lmao

I’m finding it hard to end this post for some reason. Maybe it’s bc it feels like I’m really committing to trying to move on once I post this. I have work tmrw too rip, better try and nap during the day or something haha.

Idk if I’ll show her this. I’m starting to feel less of an obligation towards her. Not a lot, but a little less.

Like mice like rice huh

Time to sleep, it’s 2:24. Hope she’s happy.

[hopelesslylovesick]

This sucks

October 27, 2021 | 1:53 AM

It seems like she’s doing better, and I’m happy for her. I want her to be nothing more than happy! But the selfish part of me wishes she wouldnt be, not this quickly anyways. I know it’s wrong of me but part of me still wants her to feel about me the way she did before…fuck.

It seems like she’s already slowly moving on but I haven’t yet. Can you wait a bit before going?

[hopelesslylovesick]

Favorite Mistake

September 12, 2021 | 1:33 AM

We broke up today. God I feel so weird, I hated typing that. I’m so weirdly numb rn, I can’t explain it. I’m drinking a vodka cran rn which is a first for me, but it’s what’s available so I’ll take it. I made it extra strong because it seems like the time calls for it. I kept choking on my tears and stuff on the drive home, and I worked so hard to suppress it.

I feel like these past couple weeks I’ve suppressed my tears and emotions from fully coming out so much that I’ve grown numb and it just feels like something is stuck. Listening to JMSN’s new album right now, Heals Me, because she played it earlier in the car and it sounded nice.

I told her that I made it home as she asked but she hasn’t replied yet...

I hope she’s okay. I know that she’s probably crying or just curled up on her sofa or something, but I still hope she’s okay. I feel like it hasn’t really hit for me. The fact that we broke up. Not that she ever really was (technically), but I don’t think it’s really hit me yet that she’s not mine anymore. That I can’t hold her like I used to. That I can’t call her baby and kiss her like how I want to. That she won’t be my baby anymore. Fuck. I hate this. It’s so unfair. Why can’t it work out somehow. This is such bullshit. 

1:41 AM

I haven’t done timestamps in the middle of a post since when I used to do lines, but felt like they were needed here - she just replied. “Yayy” eh? I wonder if she’s just trying to be extra cheery here. Man I’m already tipsy here. I miss her. So damn much. I want to hold her in m

Man I had to compose myself there. I want to hold her. I wish I held onto her longer. I want to have her in my arms. I want to have my face buried in her head. I want to hold her hands while I keep her close. Fuck I miss her.

I had to get some tissues there, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate this so damn much. Why can’t she be mine. Why can’t I have her. Why does it have to be so hard.

It’s so stupid, but I decided I’m going to keep the parking pass thing I got today on my date with her. At least for a little while, I’m going to keep it in my wallet. As a reminder. I still have my photo of her in my wallet. Fuck.

Ah fuck I keep crying. Fuck.

1:49 AM

She replied again! Man I get so happy? Relieved? Whenever I see a text from her. I know I’m going to go to sleep tonight and hope everything was a dream or some shit, but fuck. Why are things so hard.

She sounds so cheery. I hope she’s not just faking it. You know I always told myself that when we break up, I would mourn for myself. For finally being free and all that. But man, I would take all the lows and bad times 10x over if it meant I could keep being with her.

She’s so special. So damn special. What am I supposed to do now, I don’t have much to look forward to anymore lmao. 

This JMSN album is good, well certain songs anyways. I have secret garden on for the second time rn. I miss her.

1:53 AM

Well babe, here’s the part of my post that’s for you. You wanted me to send whatever I write to you anyways so you get a whole part. I’m still going to babe you here even though we broke up because I’m writing a letter to you about us, so I feel like I should be allowed to.

I don’t even know what to say or where to start. I feel like I won’t be able to say everything i want, and feel like I’ve already said so much, that I’m a bit lost here. But firstly, and most importantly, I love you. I love you so so much. So damn much. 

I’m sorry to have put you through so much this past week in having to make a decision, especially these past months. I know it wasn’t easy, and I thank you so much for sticking it out until now.

I really appreciated my time with you so much, and I’m super grateful for it. I wish I got to do so much more with you but I guess we can always still do that now as friends. I’ll make sure to bring you milk chocolate (I think that’s right?!), and some water lillies on our friend-date.

You brought me so much joy and happiness, and I don’t know what I would have done without you. Especially when the pandemic hit and things were rough at home, seeing you every week single-handedly made me so happy and gave me something to look forward to and be happy about every week. I’m sorry I didn’t make you more food, and I’ll be sure to make it up  to you once I get my own place :)

Thank you for putting up with me and my stubbornness all this time, and I’m sorry for making you feel ignored or not heard, and just everything whenever we had our arguments. 

I still remember our first date really vividly you know, I remember you walking in with your big old jacket, covered in rain droplets and what not. I remember you taking it off and sitting down, and looking really pretty in the candle light, and your cute ass smile. Looking back on it, I really love and think I’ll always remember that moment.

All the countless dates we had made me so happy each time, and I just loved spending time with you. Even if we weren’t doing anything, I just loved being with you and being able to spend time with you. I’m sorry about all the shitty dates in the car and grocery store constantly, I promise I will make it up to you. Although I did very much enjoy scouring grocery stores with you :)

You’re a beautiful woman, and a fantastic person, with the kindest, purest soul. So I want you to be less harsh and critical of yourself baby, and be nicer to yourself. Treat yourself with the respect and love that you so deserve. Treat yourself to nice things, but also make sure you eat properly, and don’t smoke so much. Make sure to think hard before tattooing yourself, and make smart decisions  without just giving into any sort of pressure.

Like I said before, this isn’t a goodbye as far as I’m concerned, but a see you later. Until next time baby, you cute ass birb.

I love you.

[hopelesslylovesick]

Well

September 9, 2021 | 12:09 AM

It’s looking a little more and more helpless.

She just posted something about polyamory on her story lmao. Even tho ik I shouldnt make assumptions off that, it still hurts. I also read my last post on here and it made me feel even more helpless about the situation.

I wonder if she even loves me now as much as she did last week - seems like she doesnt tbh.

I wonder if it’s over now.

[hopelesslylovesick]

Continuing from last post:

Holy sjit LMAOOOOO dfkm i literally talked about the same thing in my post from months ago, and how things go good for a couple months and then i get a reminder of something.

Granted its about different things but still, always seems to be the case that i get some sort of slap in the face one way or another lmaooo

[hopelesslylovesick]

Without fail

June 10, 1:58 AM

Without fucking fail it happens. Everything is fine and all for a couple months and then out of nowhere comes along some bullshit.

Honestly i shouldnt be surprised and idek if I am anymore. You would think that maybe she would cut him off or maybe not just fucking entertain him when I’ve made it very clear early on that I dont like the dude? Like wtf lol, i should have seen it coming when she asked to send pics before or whatever.

Honestly im pretty sure i had the thought that something like this might happen cross my mind at the time but i didnt give it much thought cause clearly im a fucking idiot and a fool.

Like i keep giving the benefit of the doubt but why even at this point looool. And for some damn reason its always brought up at night?! Like damn this couldnt be addressed earlier in the day? Now i have to deal with this shit and try to get it out of my head so i can sleep for work in the morning? Like fuck man.

Yeah idk, i still love her. Very much so. I love her dearly and treasure her. But it seems to be a cycle, and idk what to think of things anymore. Ahhh who fucking knows at this point lol. I sure dont.

[hopelesslylovesick]

Cnt’d from last post.

Man this hurts a lot more then I thought it would. Even though I know based off what she said it doesn’t necessarily mean that, it just feels like that’s the case anyways you know?

It hurts. I had a good date with her today too. It seems like whenever things are going really well with her and I’m happy with her and what not, I always get some sort of reminder of the reality of things. A slap in the face almost, bringing me back to reality.

Man a good cry rn would be great but oh well.

I know I’m being selfish with the way I’m thinking rn but is it wrong to think this way? I dont think it’s too much of a crime to want to be to her what she is to me. But I wont be. Not now, or ever probably for that matter. Fuck.

It’s so frustrating sometimes, or rather, I forgot how frustrating it can be.

I dont even know what to think or say anymore. Shits a mess. Cant believe I’m overreacting about something like this, it’s fucking ridiculous. I need to get my shit together lol.

Maybe I’ll get high, idk. I’m tired. I want to drink. Maybe I’ll drink actually, not a bad idea. I do have sone lavender gin left (hopefully), and with the jasmine peach fanta might be pretty good actually.

I think I might go ahead and do that. Maybe I’ll write more who knows. Probably not, but we’ll see.

That’s it for now.

P.S. if for whatever stupid reason I end up showing you this someday, I hope you know I still love you. Just have to vent out my frustration sometimes and might as well do it here. Nevertheless tho, I still love you.

[hopelesslylovesick]

Dont forget

February 6, 2020 | 2:42 AM

You’re not first. Dont forget that. At the end of the day you come second, it is what it is.

Don’t forget that.

[hopelesslylovesick]

i miss you

December 27, 2020 | 1:35 AM

I don’t really know how to start this one, but it’s been a while since I wrote one of these. Tonight’s vice of choice is a drink called a gimlet, made it tonight for the first time and turned out not too bad. Also note to self, don’t microwave honey - it burns easily!

Listening to Frank’s cover of I miss you atm, and v much vibing out. Where do I start, I don’t even know where to start. This is going to be weirdly directed at nobody but also at her so let’s excuse the shitty writing style LOOOOL.

I love her. I love her so much. I’m struggling to even come up with the words to describe what I feel for her, because it’s like, she’s just always there in my mind. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing or what’s going on, she’s always  a thought there for me. It’s a little bit obsessive and stalk - ish even, but I guess it comes off as cute (hopefully) only because she likes me back haha.

She’s so wonderful that I can’t even begin to explain it. With others, I’ve definitely had moments where I’m like “hmm, it would be nice to be with my friends rn” or “man some alone time would be nice,” but with her that moment never seems to come. 

Side note, just switched to “Take Care of You” by CDW and Syd.

Also just read a text from her saying to go write it so....I’m ahead of you heh.

Anyways, I feel like I’m not really saying much but the conclusion here is that I love her very much haha. I feel very very very content with her, there’s not a moment that I’m not happy when I’m with her. Even the lows are comforting because I’m with her, and she’s become such a huge part of my life. A lot of times she iterates that she loves me just as much or more, and while a small, tiny part of me still sort of doubts it, I believe her, I want to believe her if anything. I feel like the best way to describe what she means to me is that she’s what I’ve always wanted but never knew. 

I was about to say some real sappy shit but I stopped myself because if I write anymore I’m going to end up sounding redundant in my anniversary letter to her haha.

That top part was more catered to her since that’s what I’m going to send but from here it’s more for me I guess.

________________________________________________________________

Who would have known eh, who would have guessed that I last this long with her. I’ve had a lot of firsts with her, and she’s been the greatest and the best I can ask for. I won’t lie, it’s definitely been painful and very difficult at times, and even now I’ll have small moments where I’m troubled by  whatever it is, but she just always makes it worth it. I don’t know how much longer this will last, and that scares me sometimes. I don’t know how much longer she’ll be content with this, and when she’ll begin to want to look for someone else, but I know it will happen eventually. As shitty as it sounds, the best I can do is hope that it doesn’t happen for a very  very long time. It sounds stupid, but I really want to be with her for as long as possible,

I love her so much, and it hurts me to imagine not being with her. I’m sure I thought and felt the same in the past about past relationships and what not, but with her it feels different. As much as she isn’t “mine” I so desperately want her to be sometimes. I love her so much that it hurts sometimes. I want to hold her, and keep her close, and just lay with her for as long as I can. 

Another side note, just witched to Cavalier by James Vincent McMorrow, really been feeling this song tonight, have a feeling it’ll be on repeat for a bit.

I think about that last night in the hotel a lot. Man thinking about it now, I wish I had stayed up that night. I passed out, but man I wish I stayed up so I can enjoy that moment that much longer. I remember being so at peace that night, and the only thing that mattered to me in that moment was her. I remember laying in the bed with her next to me, while watching music videos and just relaxing in the late night. And it was perfect. It’s all I ever wanted. She’s the best thing I’ve ever had, and I’m scared to lose it. I know it’s going to happen, and I knew from the start, but I sure as hell am going to hold on for as long as I can. Because I know that anything this good is worth fighting for. And I’m going to cherish every moment I have with her.

I love her so much.

[hopelesslylovesick]

September 15, 2020 | 11:59 PM

It drives me crazy how much I want you sometimes.

Idk if I want to just talk, or see you, or hear your voice, or whatever but that shit drives me insane sometimes LOOOOL

My mind still wanders whenever she doesn’t msg me for a while, always thinking the worst but it’s more of a fleeting thought now thankfully.

Idk how and when but I really do love her like crazy, shits got me fucked up. I’m going to be so fucked when things end HAHAHAHAHA

Love her like mice like rice

[hopelesslylovesick]

Cntd from last post

I’m just so fucking annoyed. Why tf am I doing this.

Why is this even a fucking thing. When am I going to stop this or fucking get over it. Idk who tf I’m even disappointed in anymore. I cant even get it off my fucking mind. Drinking made it worse I feel like. Idek what the fuck to do because I cant rant about this to anyone really. I asked for this pretty much, but didnt think it would happen so soon and like that.

My naive dumbass thought everything was fucking ok after getting that text only to find out what happened. Yeah technically it isnt as bad as fucking but does it even matter

Its the fucking principle and idek what to make of it anymore. Like does she give a shit? Does she think about how I might feel? Or is it just like a yeah but I technically can so why not.

And thats the fucking issue. Because I have no right to say anything. And i end up sitting here in my fucking room not even fully drunk. And just fucking disappointed and confused and sad and god knows what fucking else.

Cant even pop a decent pill because its too late already. Wish I had coke or something at least to take my mind off it. Cause fucking hell I’m going to go insane just sitting here.

I need to take something or do something to get my mind off this because I fucking cant anymote. I really cant. I might get coke tmrw or something cause holy fuck LOL.

Idek if I want to see her anymore on sunday, like wow look at my dumbass running around for the past week or whatever trying to get things for her bday and spending the money because I wanted to get her nice things.

BUT I CAN EVEN FUCKINF BLAME NOBODY BUT MYSELF FOR WVERYTHING LOOOLLLL

what a fucking joke

Im

Fucking

Done

Holy, I’m going to find a pill or something.

Cause fuck if I know anymore

I’m tired of this shit.

Idk how much longer I can take before I say fuck it and get coke again lol.

[hopelesslylovesick]

Idk who I’m even disappointed at anymore lol

August 8, 2020 | 1:09 AM

[hopelesslylovesick]

I cant fucking stand it

May 27, 2020 | 1:26 AM

[hopelesslylovesick]

Oh

May 11, 2020 | 2:16 AM

I took a 20mg edible about 30 min ago and smoked about a hour or two before that.

She said I love you to me yesterday, guess technically on the 9th.

I said it back.

I hope everything turns out ok.

[hopelesslylovesick]

....and we’re back

April 1, 2020 | 12:53 AM

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote one of these and honestly it feels a little awkward. Not completely used to it but felt like doing this tonight. Tonight’s substance of choice is a double dose amaretto sour.

Just checked the date on the last post I made and I can’t believe that was 3 years ago, a lot’s changed since then. I’ve grown as a person, experienced all kinds of changes, and for a while there life was really freaking great. I loved and lost, and learned what it meant to be in a relationship firsthand. I’ve grown as a person, and while a lot of things changed there’s still some things that are the same.

I decided to write tonight because I’ve been feeling a little lost lately, but it hit a bit more than usual tonight. For future reference, it’s the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic right now, and everything has gone to shit lol. Honestly there’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now; random thought that just came to me now but I feel like the upcoming couple weeks is going to be one of those pivotal moments in my life. No particular reason I think that, but just a gut feeling I get.

I sometimes wonder if the decision I made with A was the right choice - not that there’s anything I can really do about it at this point haha. If I’m being honest with myself I know it was, but can’t help but think about it sometimes. A lot has changed in my life since 3 years ago, I’ve lost some people in my life and gained new ones, and some people just aren’t as involved as they used to be.

I’m not sure what will happen with her, as it is it’s great and all, still going with the “why not enjoy it in the moment thing”. But it’s definitely not easy to just keep doing, she told me today that the reason she broke up with her exes was because of them bottling things up and feeling like they couldn’t confide in her or trust her. Not sure if she noticed but that definitely stumped me for a bit, because while I knew all along I never said it aloud or properly thought about it. It’s true that I find it hard to really confide in her, and think that she really cares as much as she says/claims to be. Not that it’s due to any fault of her own, but I can’t help what I think either. All I know is that I just really like her right now, don’t know how much but yeah.

School is fucked up atm, all the plans I had for the remainder of my academic career just went to shit cause of the pandemic. Honestly it may not have, and it might still be salvageable, but as far as I see it shit definitely hit the fan LOOOOOL. 

Man random side note but I really lowkey be lonely af LOL. Damn I really be talking to A like that right now. Asked her to skype lets see what she says. Man wtf am I doing. The liquor really be getting to me huh.

This quarantine shit really got me doing stuff I wouldn’t normally huh. Crazy times. Don’t really feel like writing anymore. On a side note, she said holdup so I think we’re calling, we shall see.

I hope C feels better.

[hopelesslylovesick]

Perspective

07/15/17 || Cocaine

12:22 am

I just did my first line. I have the magnolia video going. I don’t know what’s going on....

12:29 am

Weeknd’s Reminder never sounded so good.

12:34 am

Going to do another line, I think I’ll properly start feeling it after I do.

I think I’m going to be binging weeknd for a bit.

Sort of fucked up but I’m looking so forward to being able to do my next line...fuck LOL

12:43 am

Time do another line, probably going to go do stuff for a bit right after.

1:20 am

I did a line earlier at 1, and did another one just now. Think I’m going to go through the True to Self album, I feel like it’s a dope vibe.

Also...I feel like I should have gone to the club with her tonight. How could I have left her on her own, trusting the people there to take care of her was a mistake...fuck I just hope she’s okay. She deserves to be happy. She really does.

I opened all the usual tumblr pages...I think I’m going to read old stuff again, that always helps somehow....

1:29 am

I’ve been reading her written posts on insta. I feel a little nauseous. Think I’ll do the line anyways, might numb it away...... 

Also, I’m probably going to end up reading again what she said to me that night when I told her everything... It seems to be almost a routine at this point....Fuck

Just did the line.

1:37 am

I feel so...strange. Not physically speaking but, just very....unsure? I don’t even know what to call this. Think I’ll do the line early and do it now.

Reading our old messages, the early ones where it was still a surprise to her for me to be the way I was....

Fuck, she just called me asking me where he is. She’s so drunk. I’m really praying someone is there to take care of her and make sure she’s okay...fuck I should have gone tonight.

I feel like looping Nevermind This Interlude. I also barely debated doing more lines. This is so fucked, fucking hell.....

1:51 am

Time to do a line.

Reading really old posts, like from the first couple months when I first met her. Also switched to Rolling Stone now.

I hope she’s okay

Haha that’s pretty funny in a weird, throwback kind of way. I totally forgot that the way I used to hint to her I wasn’t okay was telling her I was thinking whenever she asked me what I was up too. That seems like so long ago, yet not at the same time....

Switched to High for This

2:01 am

Not sure why, but felt like listening to it so switched to Keep the Family Close. Also going to do a line now.

Reading the messages when I was considering OD. It’s honestly pretty interesting to read these convos, gives a really peculiar feeling. 

She’s been texting me every once in a while throughout the night about how she misses him...damn.

Drake’s Freak In You remix was a good choice. 

2:12 am

Going to do a line now. Probably going to start listening to party for a bit now.

God...I found the messages of when I told her I knew and I instantly felt sick....That pain...that  whole experience was something I don’t ever want to go through again.

2:23 am

Started listening to Ed like 5 minutes ago. She also just called, taking her friend home, so probably going to call her again to keep her company just in case. Also, going to do a line right now.

2:35 am

Did another line. I’m trying to make sure she’s okay but she’s not sober at all fucking hell.

2:44 am

Shit, I feel like she might have noticed that I’m not sober, or at the very least that somethings off when I called her. My voice didn't come out right because my throat is fucked. Hopefully she’s drunk enough to not remember this...

I should have fucking gone tonight, why is it that the one night I don’t go this happens, fucking hell I’m just going to always go now just in case.

2:47 am

Interesting, because I was listening to Ed for a bit, I’m listening to his Say It cover. I’m not mad tho, it’s so good anyways. Also going to do a line now probably. Also I’m praying either one of her friends finds her or she somehow gets home.

Fuck I can’t reach her. Also listening to Say You Won’t Let Go, but going to switch to You’re Beautiful now.

Holy shit, it’s amazing live. I think I like it better then the normal version, the acoustic vibe just fits the song perfectly.

Also, still super anxious about her.

I reached her, thank god. I think...

Also, I just went through a bunch of 2000s classics, like Jason Mraz’s Lucky and what not. Listening to You Found Me now haha.

Why won’t she pick up, wtf. I’m hoping so bad she’s okay. Hopefully she gets found soon. I’m so fucking worried, dammit.

I totally forgot about The Script’s Breakeven. This is definitely a classic as well.

2:58 am

Just switched to No Doubt. Felt like a different vibe. Going to do a line now as well.

God, this song is so good as well. Think I’ll listen to Creep next.

NEVERMIND, I just remembered Dido’s White Flag was a thing. This is actually a childhood throwback. Wow....that’s crazy. I feel like listening to Nickleback’s Photograph next, their old stuff was actually great, LOL

Gotta listen to Stan real quick before that, that chorus is the stuff of legends.

Forget Photograph, How You Remind Me is the real banger from them, so many memories associated with this single song. Just chilling in the old house’s basement as a kid. God, that was actually such a great time. Everything so much more simple....

Also haven’t been able to reach her for a bit now again, shit.

Listening to Creep now, it sounds so good. Think I’ll listen to the cover after this.

L

M

F

A

O

She was with the fuckboy from tinder. Really. Fucking hell. Fucking. Hell.

3:08 am

I’m doing a line.

Listening to Every Breath You Take now, idk why but yeah. God I’m lowkey so fucking annoyed. Holy shit. I want to like, beat the shit out of something LOL.

Okay, I’m going to try calm down. Cause being mad literally doesn’t do anything. I can’t do anything rn anyways. Listening to Musiq’s Love now, this song will definitely do the trick.

Old school R&B is actually one of the greatest things. It’s just so good. It’s both so emotional yet so sonically amazing as well. If anything, the fact that it’s still popular now and sampled by so many modern artists is a clear indication of it’s impact and how timeless it is. Think I’m going to listen to more old R&B. Probably start of with Ne-Yo or something.

On Boys II Men now, End of the Road is one of those classics that everyone just knows, but it’s also actually a good song at the same time. Another timeless song.

3:19 am

Haven’t heard from either of them for a bit now, getting anxious and worried again, fuck. Also on Tamia’s Officially Missing You, the original never sounded this good to me, it’s so smooth. Think I’ll still listen to the cover though, but goddamn is this good. 

Also, going to do a line now.

I listened to the studio version of the cover for a bit, but I feel like live could be better so switched. Oh it’s definitely better, in some ways at least. Feels more intimate, more personal.

Well I just emptied whatever was left int he bag, which wasn’t much to be honest. This is so fucked. Also think I’m going to listen to Taeyang song, then GD’s. Youtube suggested pulling through hard right now.

3:29 am

Why have none of them updated me, holy shit I hope everything is okay...

Listening to GD’s That XX, probably going to switch the song when I do a line though. Speaking of which, I have the last 3 set up now. I already know I’m going to lowkey crave more once I finish it. Whatever....

Went with Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down. It’s....I don’t know what to call what I’m feeling, but it’s almost putting things into perspective, in a weird sort of way.

3:31 am

Doing a line now.

Listening to I’m Not The Only One now....it just feels right to now...

Holy shit I just realized how much I texted her. I think it’s fine though, shouldn’t make her too suspicious. She is lost downtown late at night after all. It’s an appropriate response....

Just finished reading all of our conversation from when I told her. I left off near the end earlier and forgot. I don’t know how I feel. Probably because of the numbness. Also been listening to When I Was Your Man. Think I’ll switch soon though.

I don’t know if it’s the coke or I’m just remembering wrong, but a lot of songs seem to be faster then I remember. Like the one I’m listening to right now, Stay.

Also, I feel strangely sober, like super awake, although that’s definitely the coke doing that LOL. Like a 99.99999% chance that it’s the blow. 

I see why people love Love On The Brain so much, it’s pretty good. Not amazing though. Now I feel like listening to Rihanna’s best hits.

Take a Bow is such a throwback, holy.

Suddenly just got  the urge to listen to Halo. Probably will go to Adele after this.

3:41 am

Time to do another line. Going to turn up Halo a bit more, this song needs to be heard in a way that it feels like it’s just fulfilling. 

Just set up the last line, as in gathering all the stray stuff around it. I’m really hoping she’s okay...fucking hell. He’s not responding either.

Took a quick detour and listening to No One right now. Also, I’m pretty much fully convinced the white is making the songs feel like they have a faster beat they they really do. No way No One was this fast.

3:46 am

And now it’s time for the end. Listening to Someone Like You right now. Think I’ll switch to the live version soon though. It’s just so good. Feels so much more real, genuine, so much more personal. It also sounds better in some parts I feel like.

3:52 am

She just called me and told me how it wasn’t supposed to be like this, how he was genuinely unhappy. How she felt so dirty. What can I do. What am I supposed to do. Fucking hell. I’m going to play the live version now and just do the last line. I wish I had more. Might even drink...

3:58 am

I should have done the line a bit ago, but I feel like I should wait for the right moment. It just feels like the right thing to do...

I hope she really does call back...

Also I think she might suspect something, not surprised tbh. I told her I’m tired and I’m still up, just doesn't really add up....

4:00 am

She just called, she’s all good and safe. Thank god. Time to end off my night too I guess...if I even can.

Did the line, the end is always a weird feeling. I’m debating if I should listen to this one more time and try to gather my thoughts like I used too. That was originally the point after all...

4:12 am

She just texted me “how the fuck u know”

I don’t know what she means by that....hopefully nothing bad. Actually now that I think about it I’m pretty sure I know what it’s about. If it’s what I’m thinking everything’s all good, at least to a certain extent I guess.

4:33 am

She just called, she’s definitely bothered, and has a lot on her mind. She asked to text, I’m guessing because there’s other people around.

5:30 am

I just had a massive conversation with her. Haven’t been that deep and real with her in a really long time. It’s a strange feeling, but really familiar at the same time. Oh, I thought she fell asleep but I guess not. She just texted me she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hope she listens to me and calls me.

5:50 am

Still talking to her, I think. Yeah she’s still awake I’m pretty sure. I’ve constantly been asking her, pushing her to tell me, or at least decide. She finally did, cause her phones about to die so maybe that’s why haha, but she decided. She decided that she doesn’t want to leave him. 

If I’m being honest, I can’t say I’m happy with what she decided. Of course I’m not, how could I be. But, it’s what she wants, what she genuinely wants, so I’m going to do my best to help her in any way I can like I always have been...

I find that lately I’ve been wondering, asking myself randomly why I’m still here. Why I’m still there for her as much as I am.  I can’t say it’s just because she’s a friend, I don’t think any friend would do as much as I do, not even bragging, just how it is. I know I care for her a lot, that has never changed, and honestly dont think it ever will. She’s someone I just genuinely want to be happy, whatever that is. But...I can’t help but think, wonder every once in a while, if I do this out of love. Obviously I love her. You can love people platonically. People like close friends and family. People who you have a sort of unconditional love for, who you would do nearly anything, if not everything to make sure they’re happy. 

But, it’s hard, it’s really hard to figure out where the line is between loving someone and being in love with someone. I know it’s probably the first, it makes the most sense, and it can’t and shouldn’t be any other way. I dont know why I’m starting to get confused about this again, although if I’m being honest with myself it’s probably because I’m trying to figure out what I feel for the other girl. I barely know her, but I feel like there might be potential? I don’t know what I’m saying anymore....

Lately, it seems more and more frequently....I’ve had the urge to just tell it all, tell her how I’ve felt, how I feel now, and everything I’ve ever thought. Everything I’ve ever thought and had to go through and endure and pretend was fine in order to maintain this precious relationship I have with her. This is, and can be enough for me. I can be happy with being her close friend. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t get the urge for more then just that every once in a while. Hell....it might be possible that urge is always there, but I’ve just subconsciously learned to suppress it, and shove it all the way into the deepest corner of my mind so I can’t ever stumble upon it...

Coke, for as terrible as it is for all the obvious reasons, really does help me express all my feelings, properly, nothing held back. I don’t know if what I did tonight was a good thing to be honest, I can’t say I don’t have doubts about what I said, about the possible repercussions of it. But... I think it was better to say it then not. At least now, when it’s still not too late.....

I think that’s the main reason why I hate him so much. I couldnt really put a reason on it, because I wasnt sure myself, just knew only what I felt... But I think it’s because of what I thought what feels like a time so long ago... That he’s insanely lucky, to me extremely fortunate to have someone like her in love with him. Someone like her who would do anything for him. Someone who is amazing in every way.... I don’t know what I feel for her. I honestly don’t. Realistically, I’m probably going to  sleep and wake up today totally disregarding all the things I just poured out. I know everything I said is the honest truth, I really dont believe that it’s anything but. 

But....I just can’t say it, maybe I’m too much of a coward, maybe I waited too long and now it’s too late, or maybe I just dont really feel that way and Im just confused about my feelings. None of that matters in the end though, because you just cant go back after something like that.... Who knows, maybe you could, but I honestly would rather not risk it and keep what I have with her. It’s that exact reason that makes me doubt my “feelings,” makes me think I’m delusional. Because if you really love someone,...shouldn’t you want them at any cost? Or is it really love because I’m doing what’s at least best for her, what would make her happiest? I honestly don’t know. It’s something I dont think I’ll ever truly know how I truly feel about it unless I confront her and tell her everything.... Just have to find the right time I guess. But...I already know her answer. Doesn’t matter if I tell her now or later. She won’t ever be in love with me, and that’s why I think I haven’t done anything yet. 

Because at the end of the day she doesnt love me, and I dont think she ever will.

So I need to move past it however way I can and be the most that I can be for her.