horrorinreallife

[horrorinreallife]

We. Are. Family. Oh, wait. Oh it just seems like that becau...

C.I.A. One: “Ok, Agent. How are the field notes coming along for your case study of that isolated area of verystrange people?”

Agent: Oh, the Midwest Submergion you assigned me to. Against my will. Even though I repeatedly put in transfers for Japan, Hawaii, Switzerland, ANYWHERE.

C.I.A. One: “You are a field agent goddammit! If you want to just float around to different resorts quit and go get a fucking job in hospitality!”

Agent: I put in paperwork for the Middle East too!!!

C.I.A. Two: “Guys! Guys! Chill! Agent, have you been completing the field notes as assigned?”

Agent: No.

C.I.A. One: “GODDAMMIT!!!”

C.I.A. Two: “Ok! Ok. Agent, have you been filling them out sometimes?”

Agent: No. However, I can give a veryquick synopsis and then could you assign me something else I am going to lose it.

C.I.A. One: “The hell you are! You’re grounded for fucking up that terroris...”

Agent: I EFFECTIVELY PREVENTED THE ATTACK!

C.I.A. Two: “Honestly, that is true.”

C.I.A. One: “Fine. Look. We need you in the Midwest. You can stay on The Submergion or we can put you back on serial killer duty.”

Agent: That’s exhausting. There’s too many to kee...

C.I.A. Two: “You could stand to lose a few poun...”

Agent: FINE!

C.I.A. One: “Now quit jacking around and give me the field notes synopisis since you cannot seem to manage to just enter your fucking daily field notes. YOU HAVE ONE JOB!”

Agent: I HAVE A MULTI-FACETED JOB OF WHICH YIUR PRECIOUS SHITTY FIELD NOTES ARE THE LEAST OF MY CONCERN!!!

C.I.A. Two: “We really do need them for the case files.”

Agent: ALIGHT! Basically, these people just kind of go around making messes of each others’ lives. There seems to this thing where people legitimately do not know if they are related or not. Sometimes they are sometimes they aren’t and...

C.I.A. Two: “Oh yeah! Wasn’t one of the serial killers you nabbed previously your cousin or something so you let him escape?

C.I.A. One: “I remember that. Nice work Einstein.”

C.I.A. Two: “Hahahaha ‘time is relative’, in your case both will kill you!”

Agent: Not funny. Also, AS I WAS SAYING... so some of them are actually related. However other times they are not, but then they just take someone’s word for it.

C.I.A. Two: “Why don’t they just go to Anscestry.com or 23andme or whatever?”

C.I.A. One: “Those are rigged.”

Agent: Too many missing chromosomes as it is. Anyway, they use all that as an excuse for various things. Also? Ran...

C.I.A. One (teaching for holster): “I swear to fucking Christ if you say something about ranch dressing I will cold cock you.”

Agent: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO IS INSISTING ON THESE FIELD NOTES!

C.I.A. Two: “Look. It’s Monday. We are getting nowhere. Just get back out there and actually do your job and just complete your reports so we don’t have to do this every week, ok? Also, enough with the yelling? It’s 6am on a Monday.”

Agent: Fine.

C.I.A. One: “Fine.”

And Scene

[horrorinreallife]

Death Is Imminent...

“Ok, look, we are super-sorry but you actually have to die. We fucked up REALLY bad and did not anticipate your level of sarcasm or your ability to catch on faster than we can stay ahead of all thi...”

Can’t you just kill me then? This is getting really old.

“Well, you aren’t technically in the actual military so we can’t just murder you. Believe me we have tried. We sent that hit man. Then there was the food stuff. Oh! Remember the two hospital things?”

Oh the Oklahoma one? That was a real heart-stopper. Literally.

“No, we know. We are really fucked if you don’t die. You have to be admitted, or committed, or seriously just die already. There is a huge issue. We have the wrong diagnosis on the books and the whole thing with your family. It’s bad. Also all the illnesses and drugs, how are you unaffected, honestly?”

A healthy diet and regular exercise goes a long way. Also, that thing where I had to be painted as insane and a criminal and die so that my sibling can advance to the presidency because my parents are extremely mentally ill and delusional? Is that part of it?

“That is definitely a huge segment of the root cause of all this, really. We did not anticipate your ability to survive and figure this all ou...”

Well, seriously, what do you want me to do right now?

“Honestly we just do not know. Chill out and try not to get into any serious trouble or freak anyone out too badly with whatever the fuck your non-health issue(s) are and we will try to figure something out.”

So don’t die?

“Yeah, I guess not?”

So, don’t kill myself?

“Um, if we can just recap really quick, you have been unsuccessful. Also, we can’t figure out how to kill you either. It’s basically a standstill at the moment.”

Ok, well, I am just going to see how extreme I can take my diet and exercise then if you people are literally at a loss, I don’t know what else to do. The addiction response doesn’t work. My fear response, not functioning. I’m just going to really ramp it up and see what happens...

“Honestly do whatever you want. We are really hoping for you to make a mistake and die so we can just blame it all on that.”

Ok, deal.

“Good luck!”

Honestly? Good luck to you guys. You are the ones who fucked up. Try to remember that.

“You honestly remember everything?”

Elephants never forget. And fat jokes will always be funny to me.

[horrorinreallife]

F.B.I. Log

“Okay could you just say that one more time?”

There is a severely mentally compromised kid (30+ year old) who is using social media to target and kill people. He’s mad because he isn’t getting the opportunity to do what he wants at all times. Some kind of severe drug addiction issue. It’s like the most severe case of a spoiled brat I have ever been witness too. Actually, maybe second-worse? Anyway, it’s like a child that, who doesn’t get their way, will literally murder. It’s pretty annoying. Also terrifying. All you can do is get completely out of the way. If I could vanish into thin air believe me I would but I have to pay rent and stuff.

“Okay, please elaborate.”

All I can say is to just stay off social media and he gets tired of you and moves on because he can’t focus for shit nor complete a task so if you just don’t make a name for yourself online you’ll be fine? He’s taken over some other accounts which would be fine if he had the ability to manage a social media account but he takes it all personally and it’s just a little bit of a disaster. You cannot reason with this person either because they are very good at manipulating people, especially if he can asses what the other person’s mental weakness is and play to that.

“This all sounds very detailed. We appreciate your profiling work but that isn’t your job as a civilian. How do you know all this?”

He was my roommate. Twice. I think? Honestly I’ve had some fucked-up roommates. The worst ones always come back for another round which is why you have to truly grow up at some point. Or just really commit to homelessness? To be fair I was a disaster of a roommate in college and I do apologize. Anyway, this kid belongs in a group home.

“I’m sure people could say that about you. Are you hearing yourself right now?”

Honestly, at this point, I’d happily head to a group home if it meant not having to deal with people like this kid. I will honestly be living my life and he hunts me down and ruins it by convincing people I am this or that. All you can do is just go with it and eventually everything fades out. I really do need to disappear where he can’t find me again. This is extremely disruptive. Could you put me in the witness protection program? Or should I just completely change my appearance again?

“Okay, well, thank you for this information we are doing what we can. The delusions from all of the different people that we are having to work with on this case are truly unmanageable so thank you again for your contribution. Please call us if you feel in danger again. We will call you if we need another statement.”

Ok. Um, may I have some kind of note or something excusing me from work because this is a very major disruption to my...

“No.”

Well okay then.

[horrorinreallife]

Corporate Punishment

“Ok, are you ready for this mission Agent?”

No.

“Well that’s just too bad. Maybe yo...”

This assignment isn’t fair.

“Well I suppose you should have thought of that when you were snorting amphetamines and terrorizing all of River North with the oil company executives and energy traders you were being paid to keep an eye on. Watch and report! Not party with and raise hell!”

Look, one of them had this super-crazy yacht and everyone was on there but you can’t go on the yacht unless you can han...

“You were supposed to prevent! Not directly contribute to one of the largest modern-day ecological disast...”

IT’S NOT MY FAULT THOSE PEOPLE COULDN’T HOLD THEIR LIQUOR!

“Look, you need to lower your voice and you need to come to terms with the fact that you are doing this goddamn assignment.”

It’s. Pointless. You’re just doing this to punish me! What, are you trying to “break me” so you can dismiss me from active duty and put me on social security? I’m more than happy to snap right now and save you the trouble!

“Look, you know we can’t do that right now due to that accounting error from last ti...”

Goddamit!

“Agent! Please! Ok. Here is the rundown: You are being sent in to light a few metaphorical fires to help foster this fledgling economic boom we’ve created in a Midwestern community. It’s all very controlled however an alarming number of people placed in positions driving commerce could not possibly be more incompetent. It’s actually quite astounding. We do have the CDC on the ground running a few tests as a precaution simply because we’ve not seen such a concentrated collection of severe stupi...”

What does that have to do with me?

“Calm down. Look, here is the timeline, here are the tasks. We’ve got a handle on everything else. We just need a little destraction/moderation from you to help keep a few of the more severely incompetent ones from pushing through the timeline too quickly. We have everything set and this area is safe from collapse but we need you in there as a destraction in order to keep things on schedule.”

Ok. Well that’s fairly reasonable. This doesn’t even seem like punishment that much. That time you guys had me in to document evidence and expose that huge fraud with the US Dept. of Educa...

“We are not going to discuss that. There’s no possible way you could have f*cked up an assignment any worse than that. This one is fool-proof and will definitely break you.”

How so?

“Well, I mentioned this next assignment is in a community in the Midwest. You are a woman. You are going to follow your task list and not only introduce key distractions, you are also going to strategically share your business acumen to a completely unwelcoming audience who will simply ignore you until down the road it is apparent that there was something to what you said but someone will be given the idea and credit to run with while you continue to not only be ostracized, but also, be completely and continually undervalued in every way.”

That does sound annoying.

“You’ll put up with it for an exceptionally impressive amount of time but eventually it will wear on you. Also, not one bit of it even matters because we always have the next 5 years of this boom planned out, event by event, in advance, so really, your experience, knowledge, expertise, and opinions truly do not matter. At all. You’re simply in there as a small wrench, again, so the more inept ones leading a few of the charges don’t rush though what we’ve already orchestrated.”

Fine.

“Fantastic! Go get some rest, your flight leaves at 0700.”

[horrorinreallife]

The Hell I Am!

The Midwest is pretty terrible, but you wanna know what is even more terrible?

“What?”

A pack of terrifying monsters have banded together and they are trying to scare me back out to Los Angeles.

“?”

I’m serious! They are so preoccupied with, apparently, me, instead of focusing on themselves, they are hunting me until I flee to an even worse terror. By that I am of course referring to Los Angeles.

“Well, the weather is better at least?”

You’d think that but the combination of smog, traffic, and people actually make it a much worse option.

“That’s actually true. Man, yikes times 5!”

I will get out of it, obviously. However, it’s just a little unnerving. They are seriously horrifying! It’s just like, can you please just mind your own goddamn business? Why is that so difficult for people?

“I honestly cannot answer that question. Also, what makes them so terrible?”

Well, it’s just that the people in LA are ✨a little✨ superficial, and here in the Midwest if you want to garbage around and be a dumpster for awhile, no biggie! And these people are, ironically, walking dumpsters. Like if you could take a human body and form it into the lose shape of a dumpster both aesthetically and then factoring in their personality and mannerisms. They, well, there is no way they will make it out there and I am not going to fu*king waste my time dealing with that. As you may or may not know, in Los Angeles you, literally, need a killer job lined up or you need to be ok with being an absolute hobo. And if you go the hobo route, you absolutely have to be the smartest and most resourceful hobo on the planet, or you will absolutely die.

“That seems a little far-fetched.”

I realize how that sounds but they seriously do. not. give. a. shit. out there and if you are too hoboee or crazy, you’ll die.

“Everyone is crazy in LA though.”

True, but you have to be, like, a specific kind of crazy or, as I mentioned, death.

“Well, that is yikes. Good luck. I’m sure you will figure it out.”

Oh, obviously. It’s just annoying more than anything, I guess. The Midwest is a horrifying minefield of getting out of any kind of commitment with people who cannot accept you are feeling very smothered by them and cannot seem to understand how to, perhaps, consider other options. It really sucks! The only positive to LA is at least it is a larger city so you can hide easier, but again, the whole death-factor if you do not know exactly what the f*ck you are doing.

“Absolutely true. You have to settle down here in the Midwest or someone will stop at nothing to make you. It’s really scary! Like, so much time and effort trying to shake someone or multiple people that apparently do not have enough to occupy their time.”

Seriously! So much f*cking effort! Like, I am sorry you are having a hard time finding someone who is interested in f*cking you but I unfortunately can not assist with that. Buzz off! So much effort dealing with that!!!

“More effort than avoiding death in Los Angeles?”

I guess it’s kind of like 6 of one, half a dozen of another. Cost of living is the saving grace though. Always gotta fall back on that cost of living.

Midwest Is Best

[horrorinreallife]

What’s Yours?

“What is your greatest fear?”

Oh, I don’t know. Carbs maybe?

“Clearl...”

Not cool! Let’s see, what else...

Oh! That the jet ingine of a plane will fall from the sky and crush me while I am driving.

“Ok, A. You don’t even own a car any more because the “environment”. 🙄 2. The chances of that are astronom...”

Could happen.

“...and a numero très, 3. That is simply part of the plot of Donny Darko. Actually, it’s the conclusion to the the main underlying theme on mental illness I do belie...”

Jake Gyllenhaal is seriously so hot.

“Do you realize the metaphor you are portraying???”

What!?!?!?

“Goddamnit. That movie is a huge 9/11 “joke”, now. And a huge statement on mental illness. HUGE! Goddamn it!”

Sorry! I know it’s inappropriate. Mental illness is a bitch.

“Excuse me aren’t you the one who feigns mental illnesses and autism just so you can get yourself into ridiculous situations so you can make fun of people directly to their faces without them realizing it?”

I think they eventually become aware.

“You are going to get your as* kicked! You were almost recruited into ISIS. Like the longest recruitment literally ever simply because you thought it was so funny how stupid they were. That’s very dangerous!”

I am a girl! I’m safe! Also, I actually am on the spectrum. Like, I am all over that bi...

“You are going to get you as* kicked.”

Oh, believe me. Do NOT piss off the retar...

“WOW! You ARE. RETA*DED! Also malnutrition causes psycho...”

I. Know. That’s the whole thing. Also, excuse me, technically, autism is a little bit like things are too slow so you get pissed. Like, you understand, but do they understand, but then do they understand that you already understand?

“Use your words.”

Exactly.

Anyway, my greatest fear, I guess, is having someone hunt me down over the years and then try to get me to kill myself.

“Ok, well, that is a terrifying concept. Also, if that happens, some serious mental illness is at play. I. E. Yours. Also, didn’t that actually happen and you thought it was, although unsettling at the time, also hilarious and you just ended up both metaphorically killing that person with a combination of kindness, acting verystupid strategically, and simply annoying them to the point where they finally gave up?”

Basically. They are annoying too and a real emotional drain. No one wants that life! Also, at one point I actually felt slightly uneasy so I harnessed the powers of white trash to scare the fuck out of them with some police in training and then I took myself on a wild road trip and saw some cool and terrifying sights.

“Wasn’t that because they were putting sh*t in your coff...”

Possibly, however I built up a bit of an immunity to quite a few drugs during my roaring twenties. Also, that kid had way worse problems! His mom’s late-in-life lesbian lover was poisoning him via jars of homemade jellies, jams, and salsas for being such a little demon.

“Ok, now you’re just making shit up. Didn’t you write a bunch of sh*t and inadvertently save someo...”

It’s this whole thing. Also did I ever get a thank you? No! Anyway, on a serious note.

Ladies. Self-defense is awesome. I grew up in a home where threats and EXTREME intimidation were taught. That’s wrong. That’s in no way how you treat people. However. If you ever get cornered in an alley by two people in Chicago late one night, or maybe you’re a little lost in the woods and a young gentleman you’ve never seen or met wants to do something you’re not comfortable with, or let’s say someone pulls a knife on you, or let’s say someone cannot accept you want no part of their life anymore because they are so focused on you they have nothing else going on which is preventing you from having anything else?

“Where are you going with this?”

I am just saying my greatest fear is getting trapped in something in which I would have no escape and it has taken 37 years so far but I can apparently escape from anything.

“I seriously still cannot believe you just fucked around and drug out the ISIS recruitment process, just to make fun of them, just learn a little of their fucked-up culture, and then got out of it. Aren’t you just constantly making fun of terrorism on a fairly large scale?”

It’s this whole kind of complex thing.

“You have commitment-phobia, pretty badly.”

Are you in ISIS, because that sounds like something they’d say.

✨END SCENE✨

[horrorinreallife]

Sleep Paralysis or Midwestern Hospitality? That’s Honestly A Valid Question

I have Air B n B’ed my apartment to earn a few bucks in the past, and then also my apartment is in a fun area so why wouldn’t you do that?

Well there are actually a few reasons, of which I’ll get into.

The “most memorable” was when I absolutely scared the f*ck out of my guest. I won’t be getting into the times in which my guests were wonderful (boring story) or terrified me (I am certain I was just reading into the situation too much, everything is cool!).

Oh! Also, just FYI, I have a studio apartment and these people are essentially Air B n B-ing the opportunity to sleep on an old haunted couch I got for free from some friends hostel-style. Don’t worry. I “exorcised the demon” outta the couch because that’s not actually a thing.

AS I WAS SAYING...

So, the guest was a businessman. He arrived. I gave a local dinner recommendation. I went out for the evening. I returned at a reasonable time for a later-thirties single woman Air B n B-ing her couch out to random businessmen to be out on the town. I was exceptionally quiet upon my return. I slept in my jeans. I tried not to make a sound.

✨Fast Forward to Morning✨

Businessman had to get up early in order to prepare to conduct his assorted business. I got up early because there was a businessman in my apartment. He was awake and getting his stuff together in the dark, I assume to be respectful to me still sleeping. Oh, but plot twist! I was awake and moving about the apartment in the dark like some kind of ghoul, because I didn’t want to turn on the light out of respect to him.

Would a normal fucking person just turn on the light?

You bet your sweet ass.

Did I simply just kind of hover in the darkness just a few feet away from my guest as they packed their belongings with a slowly-building mania reserved only for people faced with something that must have resembled the figure in the Google Image prefacing this post?

That is correct.

Apologies!

*Still less embarassing than when an old friend of mine was in town trying to get people to think that I thought he was a ghost

For the last time:

👏ghost👏is👏a👏metaphor👏for👏someone👏with👏unmanageable👏anxiety👏around 👏you👏AND/OR👏someone👏with👏untreatable👏and👏incurable👏ASSHOLEism👏

[horrorinreallife]

Hey, Uh, What’s the Weather Doing? Is It Supposed to Snow?

There’s apparently a new emoji out there ⬆️⬆️⬆️

My previous favorite emoji?

That will always have a special place in my heart.

This new emoji is apparently about a gentleman’s forward-facing downstairs area and its magnitude.

Believe it or not, I’ve almost grown weary of d*ck jokes, however, I am sure that is just a phase and I’ll be back to them in no time.

In the meantime I’ve thought of a few other uses for this new one:

Friend in a Warm Climate: “Haahahhaaha hey how much do you hate your life right now I saw it was like -4000 degrees.”

Me: ⬇️

Professional Peer: “Hey I heard this about this, are you like so totally this?”

Me: ⬇️

Person That Actually Knows One Of The Horrors Of Which You Have Experienced: “Oh man, how totally freaked out were you?”

Me: ⬇️

Random Person: “Hey it is cool if I do this? Am I in your way at all or bothering you somehow, or...”

Me: ⬇️

The uses are endless!

Anyway, if you are stranded in a less ideal weather situation try to have fun with it somehow. I assure you there are ways.

Person: “How much do you not want to be involved with a fun activity I might suggest if it isn’t, like, exactly what you wanna do right now, even though you’ll literally do whatever and act like you’re having a blast regardless, depending on the magnit...”

Me: ⬇️

[horrorinreallife]

A Morning Conversation With Myself

“What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard?”

Well, the literal weirdest thing I’ve ever heard I am in no way at liberty to discuss, however, I was working at a restaurant and heard something pretty interesting in maybe not the best way for the person telling me the story.

“How so?”

Someone was telling me thier baby daddy issues, which were quite extensive, and then started talking about how the one baby daddy they were with was something, something, something, and then there was this different guy entering the picture and she was telling me fairly significant red flags about both of them and then was going on and on about which one she should choose like it had to be one or the other and that was her lot in life.

“Well??? Which one did you tell her to choose? Or did you start that thing where you make yourself an option and then earn her trust and then drop her?”

That’s not very nice, that’s what guys do all the time. Also, to be quite honest with you, there was a third guy sitting right there that seemed pretty into her as she was telling me this story so then I honestly just kind of sat there in awe of these people and listened and then just kind of blinked a few times and then wandered off.

“Oh they probably thought you were very weird.”

Here’s hoping. I just don’t understand why if you have a litter of children from several people of whom you can recognize are maybe not the most upstanding of citizens why you’d continue going around collecting more of them?

“Oh! Like a white trash scavenger hunt but the potential “prizes” are things you’re stuck with and actually responsible for?”

I guess? I’m pretty surprised people don’t consider abortion, or birth control, or trying to hold themselves to a higher standard and not associating with people exhibiting so many red flags it’s unbelievable. I get the tax benefits and then you can get child support or WIC but if you’re just doing that for those reasons it just seems...

“Kinda not the best?”

Hahaha, yep, man you really know me!

“Oooookay, I’ve got to be on my way.”

[horrorinreallife]

“How vivid is your imagination?”

I heard my next door neighbor vaccumming and instantly thought *chain saws approaching in the distance*.

“How does it get to that point?”

Look, people naturally fear what they don’t understand.

Especiallly stupid people.

...I’m saying stupid people really fear what they don’t understand not people fear stupid people they don’t understa... you know what, nevermind.

“It really doesn’t matter what you say at this point.”

That’s true.

“You don’t really fear much though do you?”

Look. No one wants to hear my rambling on and on about the fear response. It’s a whole psychology thing and it’s boring unless you truly care about...

“Ok. Thank you. I’m already bored. What is the most scared you’ve ever been though?”

You wouldn’t believe it, first of all. Then the fact that I was able to understand it, explain it to myself, and then just move right along? People, in general, cannot deal, which then impedes my ability to be able to dea...

“You know, if you don’t work through these things you’ll never ge...”

On the contrary, these repressed memories seem to resurface right at the perfect moment to deal with life’s ups and downs.

“Ok, so, can you give, like, an example, or something?”

Not of any of those but since this is a “horror” blog and not a horror blog, check this flash fiction out:

Syndra and Jaisun hadn’t yet been to the haunted house for the season, so tonight was the night.

“Honey, why don’t you wear your swim team jacket tonight?” Jaisun suggested on their way out the door.

“Ok!” Syndra abliged, without even a second thought.

Syndra actually made the swim team somehow despite her astounding inability to swim in her own goddamn lane. The rules of the swim team were simple and she just could in no way grasp them fully.

“Is she doing that intentionally or does she just really suck?” some of the members of the team would ask themselves.

The truth of the matter is that Jaisun very much had Syndra in their control and, also, 6 of one half a dozen of the other on Syndra being inept or just fucking around.

Anywhoooo, Jaisun and Syndra were on their way to the haunted house for a fun scary adventure time.

Things were going well until Syndra noticed that some of the haunted house characters knew her name.

“Um, hey Jaisun? That burlesque mummy butcher doctor with cerebral palsy just whispered my name to me in the last room.” Syndra finally said after the 47th time or so.

“Don’t be crazy. Oh look!” Jaisun exclaimed as a paper maché/animatronic bat dog monkey robot unicorn rainbow banshee swooped down at them with what sounded like a canned screech saying ‘Syyyyyyndraaaaaaaa!’

“Um, that kinda sounded like my name.” Syndra noticed as Jaisun took her hand and led her quickly through a styrofoam tunnel leading directly into a spinning checkerboard tunnel lit by strobe lights bathed in red light.

“Hey, this is really fun!” exclaimed Syndra as Jaisun started feeling a little woozy.

“Um, maybe we should take this shortcut, I think I need a little fresh air.” Jaisun said as he held onto the spinning wall.

“Ok!” Syndra exclaimed, giggling at the lights.

The two joined hands and made thier way through the alternative quick exit through a post apocalyptic locker room, room, with an amputee zombie gym teacher who screamed Syndra’s name, blew its whistle three times, and began chanting “Take a lap! Take a lap! Take a lap!”

“Jaisun, did you hear that? Is that gym coach referring to laps like swimming or like are they a track coach or what is even the dea...” Syndra asked of Jaisun with slight curiosity building more than any real concern.

As the two made thier way through two cardboard and 2 x 4 constructed double doors into the cool, crisp night air, they were greeted immediately by an obese scarecrow wielding a chainsaw on its lowest setting.

The obese scarecrow got inches from Syndra’s face.

“Hello, Syndra. I am going to kill you now.”

Before he could even rev the saw, Syndra punched him directly in the face so hard he was knocked unconscious instantly. Out of fear and the final realization that she could be free if she just simply made it happen she turned and punched Jaisun out cold with one quick jab as well. She then proceeded to pee her pants and began running as fast as she possibly could away from the situation.

“Hey lady! Your first name is embroidered directly on the front of your jacket, the bathrooms are around the corner, and if you keep that pace up in wet jeans you’re going to chaif hard enough to start a fire.” one of the regular haunted house grounds persons politely called out to her.

“I knoooooooooooooooow (fading out)!” Syndra let them know as she continued running into the cornfield just outside the main gate, never to be seen again.

Fin

[horrorinreallife]

Prologue: Sometimes things are the super-scariest and then, eventually, you just realize, oh. Ok. That’s what the deal is with all of that and then the humor is back.

This Evening’s Micro-Story:

Detective One: “Ma’am! Ma’am! Try to get a hold of yourself! Ma’am!”

Ma’am: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! THEY’RE... THEY CAN READ MY MIND!”

Detective Two: “Ma’am that’s not possible.”

Ma’am: “It is! They understand me too well... it’s... it’s... horrifying!”

Detective One: “To whom are you referring?!”

Ma’am: “Men!!!!!!”

Detective Two: “Be a little more specific, which men? Is it a specific one?”

Ma’am: “No, there’s like three of them at the moment. Two of them are truly reading my mind and then the third is doing this very insulting series of parlor tricks based on my prior and current history. There are about two handfuls who obviously have some personal information about me but they are obvious. It’s truly the three, possibly four, maybe it’s five, I’m not even sure but they can actually read my mind and predict what I’m thinking and doing. One is particularly very much absolutely able to read my mind but it’s just like a tiny bit insult...”

Detective One: “Ma’am you are not making any sense we are really going to need you to calm down and explain yourself fully.”

Ma’am: “HOW DO THEY KNOW ME SO WELL?! HOW CAN THEY PREDICT MY ACTIONS?!”

Detective Two: “Ma’am, have a glass of water. Everything is going to be ok.”

Ma’am: “HOW?!”

*A Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid Walks In*

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Ohhhhh kay, what have we got here?”

Detective One: “This woman is having a massive break with reality.”

Detective Two: “She feels she is having her mind read by men, a number of them, but one specific one is really doing it, but insultingly.”

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Typical. Ma’am, are you ok?! Ma’am?!”

*The Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid shines a light in her eyes*

Ma’am: “I’m feeling better now, I think. I just... I just don’t know how all of this is possible.”

*The Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid pulls a chair over and sits in front of her with clipboard in hand*

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Ok. Tell me everything.”

*Suddenly the Ma’am gets up, throws her chair across the room*

Ma’am: “Goddammit! He knew I was going to get the Monday special! He KNEW!”

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “So you’re mad because a man read your mind about you being a cheap piece of human garba...”

Ma’am: “THRIFT IS IMPORTANT IN THIS ECONOMY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!”

Detective One: “I honestly don’t know what to make of this.”

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Ma’am I’m not sure what to tell you. I can give you some Xanax. Are you sure they’re reading your mind and you’re not reading theirs? Were you born a woman, I mean it is 2019. I don’t know if you knew this but men can sometimes speak to each other without wor...”

Detective Two: “Yeah, are you a dude?”

Ma’am: “I told my friend I was a hermafrodite once to see what he was gonna do with that information.”

Detective One: “Well???????”

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Ok, you two pipe down. Ma’am, what can we do to help you. I’ve given you a prescription for Xanax. I mean do you want to tell us who these gentlemen are and then maybe we can...”

Ma’am: “Actually it’s kind of funny.”

Detective Two: “BiPolar!!!!”

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Hey man, not cool. Ok, look. You were in hysterics and now it’s cool?”

Ma’am: “Yeah I guess it just took a minute to accept but I guess I’m ok with people reading my mind.”

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Ok. Um. Well... I guess I’ll see myself out.”

*Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid walks out*

Detective One: “Um, are you sure you’re ok?”

Detective Two: “Seriously? You were really freaking out.”

Ma’am: “Actually I feel great now realizing that. I’ll just try to think up some really truly horrifying things and see if they can read tha...”

*Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid sticks his head back in*

Psychologist/Psychiatrist Hybrid: “Ope, ope, ope! Let’s not do that now. I mean I think you’ve been through enough as it is.”

Ma’am: “Ok, you’re probably right. Thanks, Doc!”

*END SCENE*

[horrorinreallife]

“This is soooo weird! I have been eating nothing but pizza but I just bought a size 10 in jeans.”

“Oh, yeah totally. It must be that metabolism of yours! You’re just so lucky! You must totally have reset your metabolism with all that hard work you did and then have since totally slacked off on as hard as humanly possible, like, you deserve this, girl.”

However, it was not her metabolism.

She was not lucky.

And weight loss maintenance does actually take significant effort.

Later That Week

*holding up a pair of jeans*

“Do these look like 8’s to you?”

“Um......”

“Because I just fit into them. Loosely.”

“Oh my fucking god, girl! Hell yeah! You look amazing!”

“Yeah but these really can’t possibly be size 8 I have been eating only Buffalo Wild Wings and Chinese take out for two weeks.”

“Bitch I have no idea how you keep your figure. Are you even working out right now?”

“No. Like, not AT. ALL.”

“Well I just don’t know how you do it.”

*glancing in obviously very-slanted mirror*

“Thank you, but... I just am feeling like...”

“Bitch, go. with. it. Most people balloon as they age, not get exponentially hotter, hello!”

Blah! Blah! Blah!

It turns out people in the Midwest are super down-to-earth about their appearance and realists and don’t care as much as people in *other* parts of the country but the main character had been ingrained with the need to care about her appearance (now, maybe just maybe, previously, that hadn’t been the case 😬) even though that is superficial and “wrong” as well as the ability to “come on now, keep it real, yo” and figured it out and totally got her shit back together to get back into FOR. REAL. size 10 jeans and not the Iowa size 10 (because a size 10 is a completely healthy size for a larger-framed 6’1” woman) F.Y.I. 🙄🙄🙄

[horrorinreallife]

“Thanks for letting me crash out last night.”

Anytime!

“Also, um... thanks, additionally, for the stellar rub and tug at 3am.”

Oh, so about that...

“?”

That was actually the demonic phantom that lives in my closet.

“???”

Mmmm hmmm. He pays the cable and Internet bill though so it works out really well. He only comes out at 3am to make himself toast and have his way with anything on the couch. I actually used to have a cat but, well...

“I did smell the burnt toast.”

Yeah.

“Well, for being a demonic phantom I would have expected something more violent, I guess. I’m just a little taken aback? So gentle!”

No, he’s totally chill. He was kind of a handful when I first moved in but I think he has liver problems or something so he’s pretty tame now. Sometimes he screams for a solid 2-3 hour block in the middle of the day but everyone’s at work so it’s not really an issue. My neighbor took a staycation a few weeks ago and heard him, so I had to kind of go over there and explain the situation but it’s all good now.

“I mean that is just so extremely fucking strange but somehow I’m just going to go with it.”

Yeah, no one really has much of a choice, you just kind of have to. Something about the origins of this building and the one and only portal to hell being oddly located in my closet. It’s this whole thing but I make it work. Hello?! Do you not see this fucking apartment?! You would not believe what I pay for rent. Next. To. Nothing. I realize that’s in-part due to the whole actual portal to hell thing and squatting demonic phantom but I feel like it’s more than worth it. This economy is insane right now!

“Well alright then. Do you want to grab breakfast or get coffee or something?”

I totally would but I usually skip breakfast. I’m doing like this whole-30-keto-low-sugar thing. Pancakes are irresistible. I just try not to even put myself in that situation. Coffee sounds amazing right now though.

“Sweet! Where’s the best place for coffee around here?”

There’s actually a specialty coffee bar just up the street.

“That sounds awesome! Let’s head up there!”

I totally would but the reason it’s a specialty bar is because all thier selections have varying amounts of actual poison. Some are definitely worse than others but it takes time to find the best blend for you and then if you haven’t built up the correct tolerance, depending on which poison you pick, again, it’s this whole thing.

“Jesus christ! I mean, this all seems like such a hassle!”

Oh, on paper, it totally does. But I used to live in a bigger city and a homeless man would jump out of the shadows to scream at me and piss on my feet every morning on my way to work and that really got old. I mean, every fucking morning like clockwork.

“Oh wow. I guess the demon and randomly-opening portal straight to actual hell inside your private living space is a step up.”

It’s a tremendous upgrade to be quite honest with you. Look, I’ll tell you what. If you’re up for a quick jog there’s a gas station about a mile away and they have 72 different full coffee carafes of varying flavors of shitty gas station coffee taking up a whole wall and if you mix the right combination... I am talking Better. Than. Starbucks.

“I’d be up for that, but honestly? Gas station coffee? Really?”

Well a couple of the flavors have been “unofficially enhanced” if you catch my drift.

“Is that a drug reference?”

Bingo.

“I don’t really know much about drugs, maybe the poison place would be better. I’m sure they have a decaf option...”

Excuse me, but aren’t you in a band called ‘Sammy Sosa and the Drug Mule Genius Abominations’?

“Well, yeah, but we’re being ironic, obvio...”

Look, I’ll point out the ones to avoid. Some are just a really good flavor. You don’t have to hallucinate all day if you don’t want to, the power is in your hands at that gas station. If we go to the coffee bar, its a crapshoot.

“Well, ok. Let me just put on my shoes.”

Quick question. Just purely out of curiosity. How fast can you run?

“I don’t know, like, an 8... 9 minute mile? Why?”

Well, remember when I told you the demonic phantom that lives in my closet guarding the portal to hell was a bit of a handful when I first moved in?

“Yes.”

Well, to give you an illustration, the first weekend I was here he was conjuring up horrifying beasts and then shooing them right out the front door to go terrorize the neighborhood.

“Um. Wow.”

Yeah, it was kind of an ordeal. The city actually got involved but the majority of all that was cleaned up...

“The majority?”

Yeah, there’s just this one giant, flying, monster thing still hanging around. Animal control just cannot catch it so we just all just kind of have to deal with it. It will not hesitate to swoop down and use its gigantic claws to rip your face right from your skull though which can really put a damper on your morning.

“What the fuck?!?!”

It’s cool! It only does that between like 8 and 11:30am so if you can get to work early or sleep in, your cool.

“Well it’s 9:15 right now! I’m not going anywhere until I know it’s safe from that thing!”

Oh, I totally hear you. It flies super-slow though so even at like a 12-13 minute mile you can easily outrun it.

“No. Fucking. Way. I am not risking that! Hello?! I’ll just chill here until noon. Do you have anything in the pantry? Can I use your Netflix account?”

Weeeellllll, I forgot to mention that at exactly 9:18am, every morning, the portal opens up and a 15 foot ogre crawls out of the portal to take a tremendous shit so if you’re going to do anything right now I’d suggest you use the bathroom before that happens because it is absolutely unuseable for at least 2 hours after he gets done with it.

“Jesus! Fucking! Christ! Ok, I’m outta here. I’m running to my car. I don’t know how you can live like this. This is fucking nuts. I’ll catch you later.”

Be safe out there!!!

[horrorinreallife]

*arrives at pearly gates of a non-distinguishable color*

“Oh you’re back, welcome! What was it this time? Did that metal spike wound turn into an infection or...”

“No I fell down some icy stairs.”

“And you couldn’t walk that off?”

“Well I slid right under a garbage truck that was backing up.”

“Youch. Ok, well we need to figure out where to send you again.”

“I know.”

“Anything change since last time? Should I update your questionnaire before I send it for processing?”

“Actually, I was really giving some thought to religion. Can I check more than one box, or how does that affect things?”

“Well I have you as Catholic, what other boxes were you exploring?”

“Um...”

“Wait! Let me guess! Wiccan, right? That’s really popular right now. Also, a lot of applications for the Church of Satan.”

“Tax benefits, right?”

“Exactly.”

“Oh god, you seem pretty calm. Dare I guess Buddhist?”

“Well, not officially. I definitely don’t want that on my paperwork, but of course I’ve given some thou...”

“Oh for fucks sake. It’s Muslim isn’t it.”

“I told you to check ‘female’ last time.”

“I know but usually at this point people just default...”

“I don’t think you understand, that’s not how it works for women.”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t. You’re tired of the rat race, you’re looking for something with meaning, everyone else is garbage despite your own prior garbagings. You’re tired of running from pure insanity despite your own and you’re just looking for something good and true and...”

“I literally just died this last time via garbage truck so I mean you kind of have a point, however I’m just really worried you don’t understand the...”

“Well, before we make that correction/addition officially, don’t you think you’re being a little contradicting? I mean that’s a little bit of a double standard. Weren’t you just a drunken nightmare age 19-28ish?”

“Are there people that weren’t? Also in no way am I hanging up my hat on that entirely I just am moderating it because I actually like being fairly athle...”

“Oh, also, I have quite a long log of some pretty over-the-top anti-humor stunts you pulled. Not very nice.”

“I know but I was kinda forced into those situations so it was just kind of like a coping mechan...”

“I mean you really pissed some people off.”

“Well good thing a garbage truck finally got me. Can you just send me to hell now?”

“Actually...”

“Oh god...”

“Maybe an extreme environment would be a better option for you. To really just work through your prior indescresions.”

“Can’t you just send me to hell right now?”

“I feel like this would be more effective. Also God’s going to get a kick outta this and he signs my paychecks so I mean...”

“Goddamnit.”

“Look there is a backwards place that you are not going to be able to figure out. You were there for awhile too previously and then again later to take care of family, who all hate you buy the way.”

“They’ve made that clear it’s cool. Way less stress now.”

Anyway, you were having fun and were pretty oblivious, because it is so backwards, but it’s going to really kill you this time.”

“Fuck.”

“They’ll be none of that. They don’t know how that works there.”

“What?”

“The gender roles are like strangely reversed somehow and you are not going to be able to figure it out. Also, you marked Catholic, but just administratively, there are actually people who save themselves for marriage and they aren’t just saying that sarcastically. Also, then they get married and hate each other. Like truly hate. Also, a majority of the women just have no concept of self-esteem or pride in themselves so they clamor for these disgusting beat-up dishrag-looking motherfuckers. Also, a lot of the really attractive guys have never seen the inside of a textbook and just use thier looks to aimlessly drift...”

“Wait are you sending me down to work in a restaurant or someth...”

“No it’s an entire geographic area of people of all walks of life who are doing this.”

“I honestly don’t understand.”

“I know. Good luck!”

[horrorinreallife]

“Ok, you’ve arrived at the pearly black gates. Let’s hear all your sins and then we’ll determine if you’re going up to the white ones, down to firey hell, or right back to the waiting room.”

“Where’s the waiting room? I didn’t really see one on my way in here they just kind of pushed me to this spot I am just...”

“Oh it’s this land where a lot of cars just kind of beep a specific number of times and you just chalk it up to peoples’ key fobs but then at a certain point it’s pretty clear some people are really beeping a specific different number of times and then you you get to decide what the number of times they beep means to you.”

“Wow. That’s pretty annoying.”

“It is terrible but you get used to it. Ok, so what indecencies have you commmitted?”

“Just a lot of the normal growing up stuff. Experimenting with a few drugs, being a thot after breakups when I was younger, petty theft, hooking up with coworkers, not responding corporate-correctly to sexual harassment, trying to steal people’s boyfriends, and some pretty intense white collar crimes with the misappropriation of government funding.”

“Excuse me, what was that last one?”

“Actually, aside from this most recent time, I was given government funding for different reasons that were falsified or awarded incorrectly due to other peoples’ involvement when a different program would have been more appropriate and temporary given the situation for a myriad of different reasons so then I just used the money on raising absolute hell. For the government. Don’t even get me started on the Dept. of Ed. I REALLY got an education. Someone needs to take those classes. Also, I actually helped some people and then had some unbelievable adventures but I can tell the government was kind of like...”

“Ok. Well, white collar crimes are actually very damaging and hurt a lot of people and fuck up the economy.”

“They totally do. When it’s fuled by greed and private funds. When you use government funding to pump into things for people that are having fun, or making a difference for people, and/or doing ridiculous/good things and then just kind of fuck ar...”

“Well that’s probably why you’re here now then, correct?”

“I suppose it is.”

“Ok well, first thing’s first. State your religion.”

“Catholic.”

“Ok, well then I apologize. By waiting room I mean pergatory.”

“Yeah, I caught that.”

“Ok. State your gender.”

“Well, I feel sometimes like I can relate *a little* to where the nice Muslims are coming from.”

“Oh here we go...”

“Female!”

“Ok, so you’ve been through a lot, most of it was your fault... are you sure you aren’t Jewish?”

“I’m not actually totally clear on what my parents’ deals are, so I can’t say for sure, also I forgot to mention: raging alcoholic. I am an alcoholic.”

“But you understand your troubles are mainly your own doing? And then the ones you actually aren’t even at fault for you are taking the blame???”

“Yeah, I don’t really know what to make of it either. I’m not really a practicing alcoholic, like I know how to drink at this point, and I’ve really fallen into health and fitness so...”

“Oh Jesus Christ, the Born Agains got you didn’t they? That is why you are here.”

“I definitely hung out with them for awhile, please make sure you understand I mean ‘hung out’ in the most autistic possible meaning, but I had to leave because I can’t with abusive relationships even though it can be funny when people aren’t being violent but I just couldn’t keep that up.”

“Well, that’s very understandable, not many people want to fuck those people.”

“Yeah I can’t think of a bigger turn off to be quite hone...”

“Well let’s get back to the task at hand. Do you have any children or next of kin back down on Earth, do we need to make a big production of this if you go up or down?”

“No, thank god I got out of all that. I mean did you just hear all the shit I did?”

“It’s really not that bad actually, well, besides the government stuff, that’s actually just kind of dangerous.”

“Again, why I am here.”

“Ok, well, what did you die of?”

“I don’t really even remember! One time whatever friend I was most scared of at the time kinda eluded to me dying by a metal spike, so maybe it was that?”

“Excuse me, look down.”

“Oh fuck! That’s a metal spike in my foot!”

“Yep. That looks pretty infected... ok wait, actually it doesn’t really look that bad. Can you pull it out?”

*pulls spike out*

“Oh, yep. Man this is pretty painful. Do you have any rubbing alcohol?”

“We both know you’ll just drink that.”

*both laugh*

“Ok but seriously you’re going to get tetanus if it has rust or gangrene maybe, how’s your blood sugars?!”

“Man I just told you I know how to drink at this point and also, the health and the fitness, my blood sugar is actually rocking ri... hey how did you know I had diabetes?!”

“Honestly? Your blog.”

“Hey! Thanks for reading that!!! Holy shit! Wait... another reason I’m here, right?”

“Bingo.”

“Son of a B.”

“Look, this looks bad if you die from this arbitrary flesh wound basically. Especially because you are actually taking really good care of yourself. I’m a little bit at a loss. I mean the government is PISSED but it’s pretty overblown at this point and thank god 99% of the world’s population is too busy with their own shit so I think we’ll just sweep this under the rug and send you back to pergatory. Especially because they have you on the correct thing temporarily. You’re using your vast and ridiculous schooling that you just got to annoy the government in your career. It’s not going to be easy but just, I guess try to stay out of trouble?”

“Oh I definitely will! Is the car beeping the worst part?”

“Absolutely not. It will definitely be a rollercoaster of getting better and worse until I see you again, but you’ve been through all that so just try not to piss the government off as much, if you can manage to just remember one thing moving forward.”

“Um...”

“Oh god what did you do?”

“Hahaha I’m just kidding!”

“See you soon...”

“Wait, what?!”

END SCENE

[horrorinreallife]

Can you just take, like, a 5 minute break on starting shit?

This is really old shit with corporations I haven’t forgotten about situated thousands of miles away and I have nothing to lose so I am feeling boldish.

What kinda bird is that?

I have no idea. I was Googling the mythology behind the Phoenix and also ‘retarded Phoenix bird’ because I have some grievances to air about the greater metro area of Phoenix that has something very vaguely to do with an unspecified number of previous employers for whom I worked who were based there (dos, that means two in Americanese) in an industry or industries I shouldn’t specifically name (*education*) and then something, something, something about the mythology surrounding the Phoenix rising from the ashes of its predecessor blah, blah, blah.

I am just saying corporate America is in no way a good fit for everyone.

It takes a competitive spirit and tenacity and whatever else. Some people rise to the ocassion, some people make the “great escape”. Which is more horrifying! I am not sure.

Either way, independent of that, I had the privilege of spending some time in Phoenix at different times, for both companies. Both experiences yielded the same impression:

Phoenix is like if you took a litter box large enough for whatever the population of greater Phoenix is, did extremely strange weather things to it at random for no reason just because you could, filled it with 70% people with advanced rabies, and then expected the other 30% of the people to just live and do business there like absolutely nothing out of the ordinary was ever occurring.

Anyway. If you’re snowbirding in AZ for the holidays hopefully with more temperate weather everyone will be a little more chill down there.

[horrorinreallife]

Shiver Me Timbers!

Jaimie Lee Caretiss went through a bit of a rough patch after experiencing some discrimination in the workplace so she relocated only to find herself smack dab in the middle of her. worst. nightmare.

If you’re not familiar with Somali Pirates they are out there ravaging on the high seas with one goal in mind and one goal alone: sweet, sweet, glistening cash money.

Well she found herself in a desolate and barren area with a large population of stupid and racist children with too much disposable familial income and a lack of (or too much metaphorical) vitamin D in their system and a large immigrant population at thier disposal struggling to learn both the language and the nonsensical dialect because asking people to not only learn a language but also change all core beliefs and then also be forced into a situation in which they will do anything for money is a bit of an asshole move. Not the cool, funny, “hahaha oh you mean that jokester?” type of asshole, the super-uptight, you better just agree with whatever they say or strategically interact in order to avoid them as much as possible type of asshole.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah Jaimie wasn’t falling into the role the spoiled ones wished for her and they all thought she was a billionaire so they paid some Somalian immigrants to try to “accidentally” kill her so they could at least get their hands on her cash but unfortunately there’s a difference between giving up and being fat, lazy, and stupid temporarily and just being innately fat, lazy, and stupid (sometimes weight isn’t even a factor, fat’s, like, totally a state of mind!), if that makes any sense!

Also, to note: the reason language and math are sometimes grouped together is because at their basic level learning and teaching them is based on route memorization but then after that is theory and patterns and when you are a spoiled, lazy, whiney brat you are unable to pay attention to details so, again, the joke will literally always be on you.

#thisisapostinsupportofintelligencedonesarcastically