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Book Club, Part 4: Vampire Jane Fonda

Welcome back to BOOK CLUB, our 4-part book club about the movie Book Club. Previously, we discussed Diane Keaton’s least favourite friend. We’re back this week to tell you all about Jane Fonda and lesbian vampires.

R1: Her character, Vivian, is also the one most closely linked to Judge Sharon.  R2: We get a lot of bad photoshop at the beginning that lets us know that Vivian and Sharon went to Stanford together. And, to Diane’s credit, she does describe them as exceptional. R1: It’s something like: Judge Sharon, a federal judge, went to law school and of the 263 graduates in her year, 63 were women, and of those 63 women, only one became a federal judge. R2: What Diane doesn’t tell you is that all of the 200 male graduates became federal judges, too. It was a big year for federal judges. R1: Vivian is technically the founder of the titular book club, isn’t she? R2: Yes. It all started when V was like, hey friends, let’s go read this book — so did they all go to school together? That would make sense.  I can understand how Vivian and Carol know each other, because they work in similar worlds. Even though they don’t do anything in those worlds. I mean, Jane Fonda just rides her elevator up and down every single day. R1: Right, she’s this fabulously wealthy, sexually empowered hotelier. I think we’ve mentioned it before, but she’s basically the Christian Grey. And she lives in her fancy hotel.  R2: Which, by the way, has the worst security. There are multiple occasions where people just walk in on her after she’s told her staff to keep people out. She’s in her office and tells her secretary she can’t take her love interest’s call and then he just enters the room. And then she’s in her bedroom — R1: And all her friends just walk in! Although, that one’s on her. Lock your door, Jane! R2: Even her private rooftop view! She has this exclusive, private space set up at the top of her building but — R1: It’s not locked! Anyone can get in there! R2: You employ 150 people and not a single one is a security guard. R1: They’re too busy tickling her arm. R2: A scene that made me feel deeply uncomfortable, but I was okay with it for the sole reason that Frankie asks Grace to do that to her in season one of Grace and Frankie. So I choose to read this as Jane Fonda telegraphing to me, a conspiracy theorist, that she wants Grace and Frankie to be about lesbians.  R1: I guess we should go over her romance with someone who is tragically not Lily Tomlin.  R2: Oh, it’s pretty straightforward. Jane Fonda has had many lovers, but she only ever cared for one man. So of course she turned him down when he proposed.  R1: She’s a busy career woman! 

R2: And then he comes back into her life and melts her cold, career-oriented heart.  R1: Because she always held a candle for him.  R2: Her secret patio looks over their favourite diner. Jane Fonda rebuilt her entire hotel so that she could have a better view of her favourite date spot with a man she rejected. That’s bananas. I’m into it, but that’s bananas. Jane Fonda is out there sunbathing every night vampirically, looking out over the city and saying to herself, I don’t want to marry that man I just want to look longingly at the place where he proposed to me every night. I love it. That’s romance.  R1: Definitely more romantic than bringing that man up to your vampire hideaway and falling asleep while he tickles your arm. R2: Absolutely. R2: What else does Jane Fonda do? R1: She goes shopping with Candice Bergen and buys her the shapewear. R2: Why wasn’t Jane Fonda the lesbian? Someone should’ve been a lesbian. All book clubs should have at least one lesbian.   R1: I mean, they both could be. R2: That’s true. It could’ve been the established lesbian helping the late-in-life lesbian. But no, that’s not for Diane Keaton, the kisser of the men. They are all obviously heterosexual.  R1: She really goes out of her way to assure Andy Garcia that her first kiss — R2: That conversation really felt like Diane Keaton sharing a personal memory, I’m just saying — R1: It did. Don’t worry, Andy, my playground kiss was definitely, absolutely heterosexual.  R2: Relatedly, throughout the entire movie, every character keeps trying to tells us 50 Shades is so sexy. Mary even wildly asserts that this book is a love story. Everyone needs love! Sex isn’t enough, Jane Fonda! You heartless flax-wench! R1: You’re not better than me, JANE! R2: Diane Keaton probably definitely read 50 Shades and went, wow this is so sexy, I wish a man would coerce me into dating him by first leading to believe that my greatest fear of a plane crashing will come true.  R1: True love. R2: It’s a masterpiece of a movie, but it would’ve been truly transcendent if Jane Fonda’s one true love had been played by Lily Tomlin. R1: There should have been lesbians. Or vampires. R2: Or lesbian vampires.  R1: Judge Sharon is halfway there. She’s up all night. She never sleeps. She just Bumbles.  R2: Do you think her life would be more fun if she was a vampire? R1: Vampire federal judge!! R2: Why isn’t there a movie about a lesbian vampire federal judge? R1: I guess we’re writing it. R2: We’re taking your fanfiction away from you, Diane. R1: This is our book club now. 

Thank you all for joining us for BOOK CLUB, our book club about the movie Book Club (2018). Do you know of any movies about vampire federal judges? Please let us know. We’re desperate. 

#diane keaton #jane fonda #Mary Steenburgen #lily tomlin #grace and frankie #Candice Bergen #fifty shades of grey #book club a book club about book club #thank you to everyone who replied or reblogged or vaguely acknowledged our book club #we see you and adore you #please watch that diane keaton interview if you haven't it's such a trip

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Book Club, Part 3: #JUSTICE FOR JUDGE SHARON

Welcome back to BOOK CLUB, our four-part book club about the movie Book Club (2018). Catch up on last week’s installment here: I’d Do Anything for Love (Especially if I Were in Love with Mary Steenburgen). We’re back this week to talk about Diane Keaton’s least favourite friend.  

R2: She only dresses well after her friends buy her new clothes, though. They buy her clothes and that’s why Jane Fonda has an ugly wig, like it’s punishment for helping Judge Sharon. R1: It just happens magically, like when she pays for the clothes the wig appears on her head and she can’t take it off. R2: And Diane appears in a puff of extravagant black ponchos and goes, You know what you did, Jane, you know. R1: She doesn’t get anything! R2: Let Judge Sharon have fun! She doesn’t even have a house. Does she have a bed? She has to fuck people in her car. R1: Yeah! What was that! R2: Yeah! Mary and Mr. Incredible get to get on a motorcycle and drive home to their house to have nice elderly sex on their comfortable bed. What does Judge Sharon have? Hook-ups in her car! R1: And anytime there’s a scene where she’s at work it’s interrupted by her getting Bumble notifications.

R2: Which really only adds to the tragedy of this character, because everyone else is adept at technology either because they’re Jane Fonda and they’re, like, savvy, or because they have children who can teach them how to use technology. R1: Meanwhile, Judge Sharon is on her own, pressing buttons wildly, trying to figure it out, taking accidental selfies. R1: I did really love the picture of her with her glasses backwards, though. That was good. R2: I was thinking, would I swipe yes on a lady who had that going for her? And I think yes.  R1: Oh, absolutely.  R2: It shows that she’s funny, has a great sense of humour. I also initially thought it was just a gag, like ‘Oh haha she’s old and can’t take a photo’ and the next time we see her she has a date, so I assumed she finally figured out how to get her nice, federal headshot in but no! R1: No! It was just that photo, because on the date, he’s like, ‘You look great without your mask.’ R2: So she’s just kept her face mask photo. Anyway, I thought her plotline would give her, like, string of great car sex - R1: But it’s one guy! And then on the next Bumble date she runs into her ex-husband and his new, much younger fiancee while she’s on a date with someone uncool and her age. And it gets worse! Because then Judge Sharon gets invited to her son and ex-husband’s joint engagement party, which is a horrifying concept.  R2: Diane Keaton is merciless. R2: So she’s not going to get the fun, modern woman with a penchant for car sex plotline. Fine. Then I thought maybe she’d get a younger but more age-appropriate, handsome man. Or she’d show up with him to the party and be like ‘haha screw you family,’ but no, when the day of the party arrives, she just corrects them on their Shakespeare. And we see her son -- R1: Who looks like a terrible person, by the way.  R2: He looks like a baby who goes to the gym. A really burly baby with horrible, horrible flaxen hair R1: His hair colour looks fake. It doesn’t look like a real colour. R2: It looks like Judge Sharon’s hair colour, but hers is faded and maybe dyed a bit? There’s no reason he should be sporting that light Betty White as Rose Nylund Blonde. I’d cut him out of my life too.  R1: She doesn’t get to show up her gross ex-husband or bland son. Instead, her happily ever after is supposed to be that first guy from Bumble. Who, don’t forget, is an accountant, which is another layer to the tragedy, because we’ve already established that accountants are evil in their universe. Diane Keaton’s lacklustre late husband was also an accountant. It’s a bad thing to be. 

R2: Her happy ending is that, after this horrible joint engagement party, she rematches with him on Bumble! Can you imagine that as your happily ever after? R1: I feel ripped off on her behalf. R2: And then she’s like, ‘Oh, I’m going to need a bigger backseat.’ What?? Get a bed! R1: Why doesn’t she have a bed?? Go anywhere else! R2: Diane Keaton has locked up her bed! She’s stolen the bed, taken it to Arizona, and locked it up in her basement dungeon. R1: Or, like, Judge Sharon, last time she did something egregious, like skipping a friend date with Diane Keaton to, god forbid, do her job -- she’s the only one of the four who behaves this unreasonably -- last time she did this, her bed just disappeared in a cloud of smoke and was never seen again. So now she has to sleep in the back of her car. R2: I believe that Diane Keaton is a real-life wizard. She dresses the part. Or she goes home and she’s typing in her Word doc in size 20 font and starts typing the next chapter of her fanfiction, “And then Candice no longer had a bed. She will never sleep again. That jerk.” R1: I guess that leaves us with the question of why Judge Sharon/Candice is the most hated friend who gets NOTHING in Diane’s fanfic. R2: Did Candice Bergen ever rob Diane Keaton of a coveted role? Did Sharon poison Diane’s husband? What did she do? I have to know. Someone get on this.

Please join us for next week’s book club (about Book Club). We will be discussing Jane Fonda and lesbian vampires.  

#diane keaton #jane fonda #mary steenburgen #candice bergen #book club a book club about book club #fifty shades of grey

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Book Club, Part 2: I’d Do Anything for Love (Especially If I Were in Love with Mary Steenburgen)

Welcome back to BOOK CLUB, our four-part book club about the movie Book Club (2018). In Part 1, we uncovered how Book Club is actually Diane Keaton’s own elaborate self-insert fanfiction. We’re back this week to talk about motorcycles, Mary Steenburgen, and the power of dance. 

R2: So that’s Diane Keaton as Diane Keaton, the new protagonist of 50 Shades of Grey.  R1: I was going to say, can we compare the 50 Shades of Grey storyline of Diane Keaton with the failed 50 Shades storylines of the other characters? R2: They all have elements of the source text, right? Jane Fonda is the Christian Grey who has led this cold life and just uses people for sex, but there’s one person she cares about. R1: What about Carol’s storyline? R2: She’s the fangirl. R1: Right. Carol takes to the text most earnestly. She’s sincerely trying to model 50 Shades and use it to fix her less-than-ideal marriage and sex life. R2: She also has one of the most surreal backstories. In Diane’s opening PowerPoint she really stresses that Carol was a waitress, but that she was a waitress while she was in culinary school. Which doesn’t sound like a thing you would do, but I also know nothing about becoming a chef.  R1: Maybe that’s what people did back then. R2: Maybe that’s what rich people did back then. I don’t know. In any event, she becomes a chef, and we know this because we very, very briefly see her in action. At the very beginning of the film, she puts some asparagus on a plate and then immediately rips off her chef’s outfit like it’s a pair of 90’s tear-away pants, as one does, to reveal a beautiful dress underneath, and it’s her anniversary.  R1: Because she’s the only character with a living husband. R2: Yes. And her husband is Mr. Incredible. But ever since he’s retired, he’s been less than incredible in bed. But Carol is going to change that. R1: With the help of E. L. James.

R2: Carol’s already trying to bring back that spark. She’s bought her husband surprise dance lessons and decided they’ll dance in this big fundraising gala she organizes every year, like, you know, one does as a rich person. But Fifty Shades leads her to turn up the heat. Mr. Incredible is having none of it, by the way. R1: He does not want to dance. R2: He does not want to tie her up with twist-ties.  R1: He doesn’t care that she still fits into her old waitress outfit. R2: Which is very impressive and very cute.  R1: And that’s how they met. She was waitressing. He had a motorcycle. Tale as old as time, et cetera.  R2: But now he just wants to fix his bike and never dance ever. There’s a good moment where they’re arguing in the driveway and he just throws his hands in the air and yells, CAROL! Which is exactly how I imagine a 70-year-old straight, white, suburban husband acts. R1: Just yelling CAROL? R2: Yeah, like there’s a pull-string attached to him and he has one phrase and it’s yelling his wife’s name in frustration. And every wife is named after a subdued 2015 lesbian romance film set in the 50s.  R1: Oh, further fuel to Carol as fangirl fire is that E. L. James cameo is in her arc. Their lives are given the most proximity.  R2: E. L. James breezes by as an unsuspecting, dog-walking neighbour.  R1: On the whole, Carol and Mr. Incredible’s arc is a bit long but very sweet.  R2: Right, because at the heart of it is that 50 Shades of Grey will not solve your marriage. Communication will. Mary Steenburgen realizes the problem isn’t that she’s not making enough grand demonstrations, but that she’s not listening to him. And Mr. Incredible admits that he hasn’t been communicating with her either, because he’s afraid of his impending slide into the abyss or whatever.  R1: And she goes, You don’t have to dance tomorrow. I forced this on you. It’s okay. Bye. And then we cut to her at the dance -- R2: Which is a triumph. If the movie had inexplicably ended after this scene, it would’ve still been perfect. Diane Keaton is so happy for her at this dance. R1:  Diane and Judge Sharon are both there having the best time. R2: Jane Fonda is not there because she’s realized she has a heart and she’s rushing to the airport. It’s not that important.  First, we see these two amazing, clearly professional dancers perform, so we know that the bar is high. And of course we know Carol is going to clear it, but we have no idea how. R1: It is above and beyond.  R2: Mary Steenburgen absolutely decimates professional dancers everywhere by dancing to Meatloaf, which is a thoroughly INSPIRED choice. R1: So she was planning to do a sad, solo version of the routine she and Mr. Incredible had been learning this whole time, but the AV people play the wrong song. So she breaks out the only dance routine she knows off by heart: a childhood tap dance. R2: She tap dances to Meatloaf’s “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That).” (Again, just incredible. An Oscar for this idea alone.)  And this whole time when she’s steeling herself onstage, you know her husband, Mr. Incredible, is going to show up and make amends by dancing on stage with her. This is a romcom. But then you immediately forget that he even exists because Mary Steenburgen is tap dancing to Meatloaf. R1: She starts taking off her gloves. It’s like a sexy tap dance. R2: It is! I am SEDUCED! She looks GREAT! She’s having so much fun. I’m having so much fun. Out of all the characters, Carol is the one with the most charisma, easily.  So Mary gets to shine and Sharon and Diane are shocked and delighted. I think they may actually turn to each other and say the line, She’s tap dancing to Meatloaf and she’s pulling it off! Which, again, she is.

It doesn’t even feel like the film clumsily telling us how to interpret the scene. It’s more like the film is also completely in awe of this masterpiece they’ve created. Diane Keaton is full-on fist pumping and cheering in the middle of this otherwise fairly proper charity gala. This, of course, is because Diane wrote this scene, and now she’s seen the full emotional payoff, and she’s jumping out of her chair with pride. R1: And then we hit the climax of the song and Carol’s husband, Mr. Incredible, finally runs in. He fixed his motorcycle at the eleventh hour and the first thing he does is ride it to this charity gala. R2: The motorcycle being the very obvious metaphor for his dick.  He bursts in, he takes off the helmet, he’s wearing a matching suit -- R1: Why does he even have this really elaborate head-to-toe red and gold dance outfit? Where did it come from? In my sort of fanfic of this fanfic-- R2: [INCEPTION NOISE] We’re going deeper R1: -- when Mr. Incredible realizes he’s going to surprise her by showing up to dance, he goes out -- R2: And calls Edna Mode. R1: No. He goes out to, like, Fabric Land and orchestrates his own elaborate dance outfit to match Carol’s. Like, that shiny red tuxedo outfit is his own creation. He designed it himself. R2: When he bursts in, it’s amazing. It’s the only time in this movie and in my life when I’ve felt overjoyed to see an old man.  He gets a full hero’s welcome by the audience, who probably think it’s part of Carol’s genius, revolutionary performance. Carol sees him and lights up. She’s super touched, he gets on stage, they inexplicably know all the steps, they’re powered by true love, and the tap dance mellows out into a beautiful slow dance. And then-- this is important-- they get offstage and the dialogue is more or less like:

MARY: Oh, honey, your cell phone’s digging into me. HER HUSBAND, MR. INCREDIBLE: I didn’t bring my cell phone       (R2: Which, by the way, why didn’t he?         R1: He was too busy sewing himself into his gala outfit!) MARY: Oh, then... It’s your penis. MR. INCREDIBLE: It is indeed my penis. Shall we go home? Shall we leave the event you organize every year immediately, without telling anybody? MARY: Yes. Absolutely yes. I have been trying to get laid this entire movie.

And we immediately cut to them riding off into the sunset on his motorcycle. R1: It’s very beautiful.  R2: I believed in love for a whole fraction of a second. 

Please join us for next week’s book club (about Book Club). We will be discussing Diane Keaton’s least favourite friend.  

#diane keaton #jane fonda #mary steenburgen #candice bergen #craig t nelson #50 shades of grey #book club a book club about book club

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Book Club: A Movie that is Definitely Diane Keaton’s Personal Fanfiction

R2: Like, oh, the fact that they all have wildly successful careers that they never actually work at and all have -- R1: Infinite time for her. R2: The movie tries to get us to believe they still do work. But obviously they do not. Because all they do is hang out with Diane. R1: Yes. The core element of this film is that this is the story of three women whose lives centre on hanging out with their friend Diane. R2: The other way we know is this Diane Keaton's fanfiction is because, while it never goes anywhere that's fully Problematique™, there are enough discordant moments to let you know that someone old wrote this and then had to vaguely walk their ideas back.  ALSO, also. Diane Keaton’s love interest, senior citizen summer dreamboat Andy Garcia, is the most charming. Further evidence this fiction is a Diane Keaton production.   R1: Yes. Let’s get into Diane Keaton’s extensive fantasy set-up.  R2: Crucially, the plot with Mitchell (Andy Garcia) is also the most Christian Grey/Edward Cullen-esque storyline in the film. We have Diane Keaton who is clumsy and awkward -- R1: She literally falls into his lap immediately-- R2: And then grabs his dick five seconds later. She pops an Ambien. She grabs his dick. He puts on his headphones and just watches her read Fifty Shades of Grey. The usual. Oh, sidenote: Diane Keaton must really love Moby Dick. Everyone gets a chance to talk about a secondary book to prove that they're intelligent, literate, book-clubbing women who read. R1: Sharon has that speech about Shakespeare, Jane Fonda quotes Robert Frost, and Diane Keaton... R2: Diane Keaton literally cannot stop saying “Moby Dick.” She doesn’t get a turn to pick a book for the club, but you know the one she wants to pick is Moby Dick. This is the book she wishes they were reading instead. It’s a great flourish. Really fleshes out her character. Her character of Diane Keaton playing Diane Keaton. R1: Okay, but let’s back up to the start. She has two children, it doesn’t really make sense. They’re both moms in Arizona. R2: Do the daughters live together? Because the girls renovated “the basement” for Diane. They’re visiting Diane from Scottsdale, and they say, we think you could die at any minute, you are NOT safe in this world. Please come to the basement, we can lock you in reverse Rapunzel-style. R1: Everything in the basement is slip-resistant and they have a walk-in tub and they want her to stay there 24/7. R2: I bet they have one of those robo-chairs that takes you up and down the stairs, which is an inherently ludicrous suggestion because Diane Keaton and her enormously long legs would not fit in a stairlift. Anyway Diane Keaton HATES this. R1: She begrudgingly visits them in Scottsdale, but fortunately Mary calls an emergency book club meeting -- which is a concept -- so she has to go back. R2: I love how she always has to leave the exact next day and no one finds this suspicious. On her flight back home she gets called up by a flight attendant who asks her disclose all her contact information, which Diane Keaton is willing to give at the drop of a hat. R1: She just goes, Oh really, you need this? Sure, here’s my home address. R2: Which gives 5% credibility to the daughters wanting to lock her inside the house. Anyway, the flight attendant is phishing Diane. And then who steps out from the cockpit -- it’s Andy Garcia!! R1: Wearing a pilot uniform. R2: He’s just a pilot?! R1: We’re supposed to believe that he’s flying this aircraft and that’s just his job. Cool? R2: It gets wilder. Let’s jump ahead. Andy lives in Sedona and has millions-slash-billions in fancy patent money and owns half of Arizona R1: Which he and Diane Keaton just walk across at their leisure. R2: So why was he flying economy to go home on the first flight, only to immediately come back to do a job for the airline the next day? R1: There’s no way he could’ve searched up her flight with the airline and signed up to fly that specific flight to see her again, but that seems to be what’s happening in the logic of the fanfiction. Which proves again that Diane’s plot is a 50 Shades self-insert. R2: While the attendant is getting her personal info, Mitchell steps out of the cockpit, and then there’s an emergency alarm, and Diane Keaton freaks out. Because, as we’ve established earlier, she has an enormous fear of flying.

DIANE: oh god what’s wrong? are we dying? MITCHELL: lol i don’t know DIANE: aren’t you, a pilot, going to check what’s happening!!! MITCHELL: nope. i, a pilot, can’t look into this terrifying alarm MITCHELL: …until you agree to go out with me MITCHELL: (;

It’s basically the ferris wheel scene from The Notebook. And the whole thing is a scam! Just a fun ploy to get Diane Keaton’s number. But when he goes back in the cockpit, Diane’s number in hand, she’s completely charmed by this. It’s classic Christian Grey behaviour. R1: The dynamic of their relationship doesn’t end up like that, though. R2: No, fortunately for this movie, Andy Garcia is a very charming old man. Their dynamic becomes more of a give and take. I did love that scene where Andy Garcia and Diane Keaton are just floating on a giant inflatable swan in his backyard pool, making out. R1: Where did he get this giant swan? Why does he have it? R2: Is it for himself? Does he use it on all the ladies?

R1: I also think the fact that this is 100% Diane Keaton’s fanfiction is a ""cool subversion"" of fanfiction and what people think women want.  R2: What do women want? R1: Just, like, a book club with your friends where they’re available 24/7 to talk about 50 Shades of Grey with you. R2: But it is also about finding men. R1: Yeah, but that’s secondary. R2: Do you actually think the romance plots are secondary? R1: Oh, absolutely not. 

Please join us for next week's book club (about Book Club). We will be discussing motorcycles, Mary Steenburgen, and the power of dance.

#diane keaton #jane fonda #mary steenburgen #candice bergen #andy garcia #50 shades of grey #book club a book club about book club