howtohelpdeadflowers

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

I’m asking for an oath

A promise to be kept

Between you and me

But really with yourself

Can you do it

I am not so sure

It’s like I’ve seen it all before

I won’t lie anymore

Me saying

You see why this is wrong?

You do

You don’t own up to it

Or anything else

When we looked at the stars together

At that shaman-woman’s place

I knew there was a thread tying you to me

And of all the moments that could be

I landed in this one

I will always look back at this time and think of you

But can’t it be forever

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

I’m so afraid of you

What you could do to me

How I feel like you can

Live in my dreams

And then go away

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

Please don’t make me look stupid

I don’t want to be that girl

Who sees past the bad

And makes excuses for you

Hoping you will change

How do I figure out if it’s

Who you are

Or that one thing you did

Do your actions define you

Or can you make a mistake

One, two, or even three

I guess a better question is

Can I change for good

All those times I’d say to

Stop spending money

Or clean up everyday

Not wait until the last minute

Or drink less

What were the turning points in my life

I can think of a few

When I stopped cold turkey

Changed because the stakes grew

I stopped eating sprouts

I stopped lucky strikes

And sitting in the sun

I left guys who were no good

And quit living in denial

Little by little I might get there

But maybe too there are times when all of a sudden

You see what matters more

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

We are perfect for each other

It is true my dear

Then why do I feel like something bad will happen

That I’ll turn your way and face shock

That I’ll be phoned a new revelation

Or that I’ll find something hidden

Why can I not trust God and trust others

Do I not trust myself?

Who am I?

Forgetful

Disorganized

Impulsive

Indulgent

Anxious

Who am I?

Creative

Courageous

Compassionate

Bubbly

Why am I not reminded of the good more than the bad?

Why am I worried about loyalty of others?

Am I not loyal myself?

In what ways do I betray?

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

I wanted all the voices to stop

The ones that told me I was stupid

Foolish

Not paying attention

Now I have that peace

But it’s without you

I miss your gentle touch

And warm eyes

And our conversations

Would it ever be the same?

Have I ruined everything?

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

Tell me if you change your mind

Should I have called him back in then?

I keep thinking about tomorrow

Will it be the day he’s better?

My heart is broken to pieces

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

I’m scared once the shock dies down

And the questions fade

That I will just be stuck with the reality

You’re not there

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

What do I want more of

More strolls through museums

More documentaries

More hikes

More moments on the couch

More hugs

More music

More stories

I want more of these things with you

Less of

Drinking into the night

Bad friends

Pushing me too hard

Abandoning my spirit

Betrayal

Frustrated tears

Make them go away

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

How many times will I cry

Shaking helplessly

For you to understand

How many times will I ask

Nudging patiently

For you to change

Don’t gaslight me

When you say you don’t know what I want

I want your loyalty

Honesty

Passion

Commitment

Courage

Love, affection, those are not enough

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

It’s like you didn’t know what you were looking for

When you found me

But you felt something deeply

By accident

By surprise

And ran with it

But you weren’t ready for what it took

To love a person

You were hesitant to leave other things behind

You should ask yourself why

Rather than push onward

That will give you the answers you need

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

You didn’t have to push me so hard

Perhaps if you were more gentle

More honest, more patient

We could get through this

But the pressure was just too much

It was like the time we were skiing

And I wanted to enjoy the ride

Take in the scenes of snow

And do things the right way

While you wanted to go faster

For what?

I followed you and ignored what I felt

And when I got stuck

You flew on

Leaving me shattered

Other people picking up the pieces

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

I do have hope

That the stars with align

Give me the gift of your prescence

Your exposed true self

I keep asking you what you want

And I still don’t know

You want me

But there must be more

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

I give myself hope

Saying you will change

You will do the things I ask

But I’m not so sure

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

Can I sit next to you

I ask as he rests where we have

Many times before

He says yes

He pets my hair

You look like you’ve been kissed me the sun

Strokes my cheek

To feel falling tears

We lay in silence

This moment will end

He says

I wish I could hit pause

On his way out I embrace him

He kisses my cheek

And I kiss him

He runs away in haste

I forgive

All too painful to bear

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

Let’s take a walk

You pace angrily

Frustrated with me

I’m being rash

I say

Maybe one day

The universe will bring us together

But sweetheart

It’s just not today

I turn to you

Eyes full of tears

Suddenly your face softens

I’m really going to miss you

The stars lean in

The whole world stops spinning

And we are two young people

Sitting on the curb

Crickets chirping

A bittersweet ending

Of you and me

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

So many times stopping myself

From saying how I really feel

When I was out with you

With your friends

They didn’t like me for me

And we shouldn’t expect them to

But how am I sure

That you really want someone

Who is different

When all I see is someone

Who wants more of the same

[howtohelpdeadflowers]

My body knows more than me

When the trust is gone