iampositivelydeadinside

[iampositivelydeadinside]

Entry 2

I feel awful today. My panic attacks are getting no better and I’ve barely seen my parents. I’m tired, even more so than usual, and I’m missing my partner. I honestly would self harm again if I had the means to do so, but not anymore. Since all sharp objects were removed from the house I haven’t been able to. I just wish I could disappear. Only my parents would miss me and I could finally see my partner again one last time. 

...Sorry that this entry is so short. I just don’t don’t have the drive to write further today.

[iampositivelydeadinside]

I miss you.

You took so many forms and different faces but it was always you. You were the only place I had to hide, the only place I felt safe. And now you’re gone. I don’t feel safe anymore. I still miss you, but I’m trying to stay strong. I was never one to break down, was I? 

But things are harder now. I promise, I’ll find a way to avenge your death, and one day we’ll see each other again, no matter what it takes.

I love you, partner.

[iampositivelydeadinside]

Entry 1

Our house has a moth infestation. 

We just can’t seem to kill all the damn things. 

Dad, and my younger sibling tried using bug spray a while back, but they just made the air in the room unbreathable for the next 30 minutes which was just terrific, seeing as I basically LIVE in the living room. (No one else usually uses it anymore.) 

Meanwhile in other news, panic attacks! YAYYYY. 

...

If you couldn’t tell, that was sarcasm. 

I’m really sick of anxiety and having a mood disorder and all the other jazz that comes with it. It’s just annoying. You know those edgy 13 year olds who romanticize being mentally unwell? Well they should try living in the shoes of someone who actually is, and has been her whole life, for a while. They would rapidly discover that there is nothing remotely ‘quirky’ or ‘interesting’ about being an angry, misunderstood, toxic individual that hurts everyone she loves and destroys everything she cares about.

...I’m sorry, am I being a touch dramatic? ...Yeah, I do that, a lot. 

I grew up fixed to fiction of any kind, so I learned how to be a person from fictional characters, not real people .As such, I’ve grown up to become, to put it plainly, someone with attributes that are quite dramatized or even cartoonish. 

The good news is, it makes me pretty entertaining for anyone that happens to be around when I kick off. The bad news is that, due to being ‘larger than life’ (someone else’s words not mine, though I am a shameless narcissist, despite hating myself) I don’t belong anywhere. 

I’ve never really experienced what a true human connection is like with anyone apart from my parents, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to struggle more with feeling empathy for others (I may explain why in a later entry, I don’t know.) It’s gotten to the point where I’m so afraid of others that I don’t WANT friends anymore. They’ll just use me and throw me away when their done with me anyway, not that I deserve any better.

Don’t get me wrong, I get lonely and all, but I’m better off without other people in my life, and if they just do turn out to actually be a good person, with only pure intentions, I’ll just end up hurting them and making them hate me somehow. It’s just what I do. Either that, or they’ll somehow see me ‘snap’ one day, and realise that I’m kinda f**ked up in the head, could be dangerous and I’m not worth their kindness or their effort.

I’m just kinda too much for any normal or sane person to deal with to be honest. I mean, I have no idea how my parents even still love me after everything I’ve done to them and all I’ve put them through.

...Oh. Mum just decided to tell me off for leaving a jar of Nutella on the side. I’m such a lazy sod. I think I’m going to end this entry here. Gods know it’s long enough already and I want to start personalizing my page.

I may make another entry today, tomorrow, next week, or never again.

It really depends on what my mood disorder decides to throw at me in the next few days.

[iampositivelydeadinside]

I am absolutely terrified-

social media is scary as hecc, especially when you’re a inherently bad person and you know someone will probably bully you online out of sheer boredom sooner or later- 

I might keep some form of stupidly edgy life blog thing on here, not that anyone will actually read whatever crap I type here. It’ll be nice to have some place where I can be actually honest with my feelings and what I really think. 

I truly believe I’m toxic as fricc, but luckily enough, on the internet, or the world wide web, or whatever the heck you like to call it, nobody really cares.

I have to say this entire post just screams ‘edgy af teenager’, and well, you wouldn’t be exactly wrong to class it in that category-

Anyhow, now that I’ve made my first, (overly aggressive) post, I can get to making my actual first entry. 

If someone somehow finds this, I wouldn’t bother reading through.

...

Well, unless you want to witness the incessantly venomous ramblings of a emotionally unstable, edgy autistic female.