what advice would you give about on & off relationships? what if the 2 partners are very in love however there is some incompatibility? is there potential?
I’m going to write this with the assumption that you, anon, are in such a relationship.
My advice to you in this situation, is to ask yourself the following questions:
Why do you keep breaking up?
Why do you keep getting back together? Is it because you realize you really do wanna make it work, or is it because you can’t tolerate the initial pain of the breakup? Or maybe it’s because you’re afraid of being single?
Are you making healthy sacrifices, or sacrifices that are slowly killing you and the relationship?
Are they doing any of these things?
Maybe you’ve heard the phrase, “love is not enough.” Being in love is great, and it’s necessary in a romantic relationship. However, love is not enough to create a fulfilling and truly happy relationship. Someone can love you and not be good for you; even if you’re not “bad” for each other. If you’re not compatible in the ways that matter, you’re both better off being single so you don’t damage one another, and so you can both find the people you’re meant to be with.
Maybe there’s something they do or believe, that you can just tolerate enough that it’s not unbearable. Sometimes there are sacrifices we make in our relationships, and they are worth sacrificing. Maybe your partner doesn’t mind that you smoke, but they don’t like the smell; so you smoke outside — even when it’s freezing cold outside. The key difference between something that is worth sacrificing and something that is not, is whether or not it’s negotiable. For instance, maybe your partner doesn’t approve of you smoking. In this case, they may tell you, “this is non-negotiable for me. If you smoke, I can’t be with you.” So this gives you two choices: 1) continue to smoke, and the two of you break up, or 2) quit smoking and stay together. For you to make this decision, you must ask yourself if this is a sacrifice you’re willing to make. Specifically, if you do make this sacrifice, will you become resentful toward your partner, and are you betraying yourself by staying with this person? If so, you have your answer — this is not the relationship for you.
Assess the relationship. Are you making sacrifices that deep down, you know you don’t want to make? Are you putting up with things that you would rather have as your non-negotiable boundaries? Are they doing this? Are you feeling resentment toward them because of what you’re tolerating? Have you tried to be okay with it but you just can’t? That’s resentment, and it’s not going anywhere. You’ve found the edge of your boundaries.
If you can tolerate the things in your relationship that bother you without too much distress, then you need to learn to accept these things. Resentment will strangle the life out of your relationship. If you’re harbouring resentment, drop it or drop the person.
You are not obligated to stay with anyone, and no one is obligated to stay with you. Just because you could stay, it doesn’t mean you should, and if you’re betraying yourself by staying, you definitely shouldn’t. You deserve to be in a relationship where you get to be yourself, and where you’re mostly satisfied. There will always be sacrifices to make — that is the nature of love — but you should not be violating your own non-negotiable boundaries to make it work.
Study yourself and become aware of all your boundaries, then decide which ones you’re willing to be lenient with, and which you just cannot be.
I hope this helps, anon. 💙 Take care,
~ Bella ✨
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