idolbunny

[idolbunny]

hello again

looking back at this account is so strange. it's like a time capsule even if it wasn't all that long ago. but i've changed so much since then it feels almost like years. i wish i could go back and hug myself.

i was going to post little things i write since i have nowhere to put them, but it feels wrong to continue posting on here. it feels like this isn't my account, or rather it's not mine anymore, and posting more on it would taint it in a way.

i don't want to delete this account despite how embarrassingly, horribly misguided i was at the time. it feels wrong for me to destroy something I've poured feelings into in the past. i'm not sure how my ex did it, although i'm sure it was more to rid me of viewing his account rather than to just simply delete it. i don't think he tends to become emotionally attached to very many things, whether it's people or objects. or maybe it's just things related to me.

i was so unbelievably smitten during the times of these posts, although i don't think i should use that word anymore. i feel like i should use a word more sinister: obsessive? worshipping? at the time i believed it was being in love. maybe it was. but to simply call it love doesn't do it justice in the way that it doesn't fully encapsulate the unbelievable pain that came with it. a miserable year and a half of me pleading to be taken out of this misery, yet crawling right back in every time i tried saving myself. the worst day i've ever had in my 18 years of life, all because of a boy i thought i loved.

i've been thinking a lot about my interactions with other people. interactions that are significant to me, but not nearly as significant to them. does that boy who refused to dance with me freshman year remember it? such a significant hit to my 14 year old self's confidence, and i doubt that boy even remembers it happened. do my ex's friends even understand how much prom hurt? not that i think they would care very much. it breaks my heart to this day. i can't think of it without crying. but not even just the negative interactions, but the positive ones too. the nice lady who helped me set up my account at the gym. she was an aries like me, i remember. but there's such a little chance that she even remembers this specific encounter. how i complimented someone's shoes the first day of school and i didn't even remember when they told me! i think it's so interesting how we can leave marks in each others lives without even knowing or realizing. but i shouldn't ramble.

will anyone see this? i don't know. i doubt it. maybe my ex will get a sudden flashback and remember this random username i used once and check out of curiosity. maybe i'll come back in another year or two.

goodbye

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

i am so lonely

[idolbunny]

i’ve been reading a lot more recently i miss it

there r so many books i’ve been wanting to read but never got around to

[idolbunny]

i think about prom sometimes and it makes me sad because you haven’t changed

my heart hurts everytime i think about it

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

mayb i should just give up…

do i rlly deserve to feel unimportant n unloved

loved only when it’s convenient

a punching bag

i want to be cared for n cherished

what does he do for me

sweet things are spoken but never fully meant

he wants to stop hurting me but nothing changes

sometimes it feels like my love and loyalty for him are being taken advantage of, unconsciously

i still believe in u

i still believe in us

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

hello kitty, my melody, bunny, cutie girl, and baby

i give them a hug and a kiss every day

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

[idolbunny]

im anxious

[idolbunny]