ihopetheworldendstomorrow

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

Things are getting better, even if I feel hopeless right now

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

getting depressed over simple things, it's so like you.

--- its not simple things, i argue,

but tell me, are you in control of them? could you lying down on your bed thinking of terrible things while hoping to die fix those problems?

---.... no

that's right, you can't control those things

--- but i cant just ignore them...!

you can do something productive, harming yourself due to the stresses of the world will do you no good.

--- but that's something i can control...

you can also control staying healthy, taking care of yourself..

--- but

use your own measuring stick, other people's norms are simple their own. you don't need to force yourself to go to school if you can't. please, think about yourself for once. you worry too much about everyone except yourself.

--- but..

remember what your therapist said, when you were refuting all her claims,

"xxxxx, what's more important a simple cold shower, or your own life?"

take care of yourself.

--- ....

maybe your rebellion against such a world is not letting such horrors break you down.

hey, it doesn't need to be quick.

we'll get better.

i know we will.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

being told by the new principal to drop out if i cant handle normal (advanced) school is kind of crazy ngl.

my mom was quite angry when i told her, im glad she cares.

i hope nothing bad happens...

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

5 hours... my emotions completely switched up huh?

it's painful going up and down all the time.

i worry about when i grow older.... people are giving me the benefit of the doubt right now but if i'm still a mess when i'm a working adult...

...

well writing this means i dont burden someone i know with my feelings, i guess.

that's a plus, i guess.

mm...

mental illness really isn't a joke.

i wish i never had it.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

reacting normally

i did that just a while ago.

it seems like a small thing, but it's big for someone like me.

dad got mad at me for not knowing the time (i dont have any memory of him telling me that but he probably did) we were going to leave. i'm grown up (kinda) now, at this point i should be expected to be responsible with time... i still reacted like... trying to defend myself but he said the sentence that usually triggers me to the extremes of my emotions... something like "your acting doesnt work on me" because im not acting, in truth i dont like experiencing emotions so extremely. but anyways...

i did everything in the time i had before the hour ended, quietly, i packed my bags, took a bath, fixed my room, and was standing at the door before the time.. still he had other things to do so now i'm writing on this blog.

it seems small isn't it?

but at the moment itself my brain was screaming at me to cut. but i took a step back and calmed myself and went about it normally.

even if i forgot about the time, it's understandable my dad would be reasonable angry but it would be an overreacting for me to have a break down or cut-- it would cause so much stress from something small.

so..

good job me!

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

when i grow up i'll help a lot of people........

i'm helpless and severely depressed right now but........

maybe the future would be bright (even if i'm terrified of it)

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

its hard for everyone around me because im sick. its hard for me too. they probably try to tolerate me because they know im sick, but theyre getting tired arent they? sick of me? theyre going to leave me soon. i dont want to be left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im serious,,, im trying my best!!!!!!!!!! i cant keep going on with these messy extreme feelings. i wish i could be saved by a magic pill. or maybe i could just die without anyone being sad for me. i want to die. die to stop bothering everyone. die to stop feeling like this even if i'm loved. im tired. im so tired.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

i=my heart is heavy theres no easy cure why do i not feel loved when in truth i am? why is it so hard for my head and heart to work together and come with i healthy compromise.

im sick im sick i dont want to be sick. theres nothing cute or attractive about being mentally ill.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

I WANT TO CUT I WANT TO CUT I WANT TO CUT I WANT TO CUT I WANT TO CUT I WANT TO CUT I WANT TO CUT I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

i still took a knife cut my wrist and later realized i didnt need to even do that. still the images of graphic sh i saw and couldnt look away from haunt me, but i didn't have to do it too (not deeply, but still) !

i realized it has sometimes been like that.

i get stressed. i cut. i realize that there was something else that i could've done to calm down. or i knew i could've simply calmed down but now i was a mark to hide or trouble ahead.

it was like that the day i was caught too, wasn't it?

the girl i deeply liked didn't pay me attention, so i cut and bled too much i had to go to the clinic and there all was revealed.

i guess it was good in the long run, i got the treatment i needed... but still...

think first. pause. step back.

don't be so impulsive, me.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

i got stressed from seeing graphic pictures of sh (even if i couldve just stopped looking at it, really.) and took more meds than prescribed to stop me from trying to grab a knife and slash my arm right there.... i dont want to make my parents sad ...... but is too much seroquel going to kill me guys....

let's see tomorrow! hopefully i dont have a terrible nightmare!

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

i was at the beach.

i sat and watched the waves then i turned my eyes towards the sky.

i wrote my love's name on the night's cold soft sand.

i stared quietly, admiring the sight i won't see tomorrow and, now, today.

but there were other people at the beach hut, so she wanted me to mingle around.

she didn't want me alone there watching the sea, and maybe she thought that i'd try to drown.

so my dad sat near me, we talked about the future, as we watched the waves crash.

when the time passed, and we went back.

despite everything, my parents' love for me never lacked.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

i really don't want to sleep.

my meds cause nightmares that have me screaming to lucidity and disturbing the sleep of anyone nearby.

but even if i can't remember it well, i'm thankful for my mom and dad that comforts me when i wake up from those dreams.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

still, i ought to be happy.

i have my parents to comfort me when i have terrible dreams.

i can't remember it well, but i know they've been sweet.

someone as old as me that still sleeps in the same bed as them.

it's silly, but i feel loved and comforted.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

sleeping is hard.

my meds increased yesterday it made me extra sleepy but i felt like i was being haunted.

i kept hitting my head on the pillows, trying to rid myself of that strange feeling.

when i go to dreamland, i would always have strange dreams.

i'd always believe it to be true, i'd scream and disturb my dad or mom at the middle of the night.

i feel something swelling up inside.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

my request of modular learning has been approved.

i'll miss my few friends. i put a lot of effort to befriend them and stay cheerful in their presence.

i hope they keep in touch with me.

i don't want to be forgotten.

[ihopetheworldendstomorrow]

my situation has been changing so adruptly

top student class president to barely scraping honors and to a total stem burnout.

i already faced that i'm no genius, nor am i special.

my heart feels heavy again.

i wonder what my future will be.