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Uther: Morgana is at that very special time in her life where she only has one thing on her mind.

Gaius: Girls?

Morgana: HOMICIDE

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Gwaine: *drunkenly burning paper in his 3 wick* HEHEHE THIS IS FUN

Flame: *gets a little too big*

Gwaine: *drunkenly pours water bottle containing 5 drops of some liquid onto increasing flame* HEHEHE THAT WAS WILD GOOD THING I HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL

Flame: *backfires into high stream of 3 foot flame*

Burning bits of paper: *flies out like cherry pop rocks*

Fire Alarm: *announces fire to rest of the palace*

Gwaine: *drunkenly ftfo* THIS IS HOW I DIE

#source: my drunken self #this actually happened #nobody got hurt #except my deposit check probably #merlin #gwaine

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Gwaine: Do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such ardent desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle schoolgirl feeding it treats to gain its affection?

Elyan: No?? What the hell is wrong with you??

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Arthur: What are you doing?

Morgana: Researching the Geneva convention.

Arthur, laughing: Don't tell me you're planning to commit a war crime!

Morgana:

Arthur: Morgana? It's just for fun, right?

Morgana:

Arthur: Morgana.

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Merlin: I'd do anything for a little bit of money right now.

Lancelot: Anything?

Merlin:

Merlin: Yeah?

Lancelot, handing over a humongous pile of coins: Go take some medicine and go to sleep for a whole eight hours and don't run off to stop an evil sorcerer in the middle of the night, and drink some water, and eat a full meal.

Lancelot: And when you wake up, make sure to take a shower or a bath!

Merlin:

Merlin: What

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Gwaine: I think I sprained my armkle.

Leon:

Leon: What?

Percival: He means his wrist.

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Arthur:

Merlin: Also, sidenote- FUCK

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Morgana: *lawyer voice*

Morgana: eat dick, your honor Majesty

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Aziraphale: I’ve only been to a couple solar systems

Crowley: Well Biscuit I’m taking you to all 500

Crowley: *Bitch

Aziraphale: ……Biscuit was cuter

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Arthur: Merlin has been trying to convince me that "Gwen" is actually short for "Gwenjamin" for the past thirty minutes, and I'm three seconds away from snapping his neck.

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i made more sorry

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Merlin: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.

Morgana: Okay, but only if YOU don't ask ME why.

Merlin: What do you--?

Morgana, pulling four pristine human skulls from her cloak: Choose one

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Gwaine: you know, everyone thinks I'm just some alcoholic himbo with great hair and an apple fixation

Lance: ...and?

Gwaine: And they're right.

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Merlin characters with textposts

pretty sure half of these arent textposts but

oh well

:D

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Percival: Would you punch King Arthur for ten pounds?

Lancelot: No!

Leon: Absolutely not! That is my king!

Gwaine: All right, yeah, sure, why not

Merlin: I will pay you ten pounds to let me punch Arthur

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Gwaine: When I drink alcohol, everybody says I'm an alcoholic.

Gwaine: But when I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm fantastic.

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Elyan: What are you drinking??

Gwaine: Vodka

Elyan: Straight?!

Gwaine:

Gwaine: No, bi

Elyan: Not YOU, the VODKA!