ineedrelationshipadvice

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I told my partner, in confidence, that I was bi about a year ago. I had no idea that he had told other people until recently. And now he has just told me he thinks being gay is just wrong and not normal? I'm having a complete breakdown we've been together almost 2 years I thought I knew this person I have spent everyday with and paid his bills and planning to build a house and meet his parents. I feel so lost. I know that I need to break up with him but it's so painful and I don't have anybody else.

Pull off the bandaid dude. There's no reason not to. If you are not happy in the relationship, no matter how close you might have been with them in the past, then it's usually the right answer to move on and seek a better place in life. You can meet other people; you'll have other people who you will cherish later. But you can either go find those people, or just stay in this relationship where a person thinks your sexuality is "wrong." Which sounds sucky.

Do your best to get in contact with family and friends, people who cared about you, or who you care about. Seek those people out, and let them know your situation; that you're very attached financially and in living-standards to this person, and that you've recently learned that they are discriminatory against your sexuality. Ask if they can help you transition out of this relationship; it'll be hard to get out of that shared house, especially when you'll have financial obligations and all that. But with help, from anyone in your social network, I have faith you'll be able to manage it better than you might think you can. And it'll be for the best, that much I can assure you.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Hey so I gave you a really long message a few days back sorry lol, I'm just really struggling with my bf new religion. He has seemed to have come out of no where in the last month saying he is devoutly Christian. He has asked me to go on a picnic with him tomorrow (Saturday) and I said it sounded great. He's getting all the food ready today because he views tomorrow as Sabbath day = no working or buying or selling just complete rest. And whilst I completely respect his religion and view, he's really making me feel guilty. He doesn't have anything in for a salad so I said I would just make it tomorrow, he's really not happy with this and got all upset because 'the bible says not you or your wife or children shall work on this day of sabbath.' All he does at the minute is quote the bible to me and gets pouty faced and upset then claims 'I was just asking you for something small because it's my religion.' I made it clear that whilst I respect this, if I want to make a salad on a Saturday then I damn well will. I made it clear he can do what he wants but he knows we have been together 3 years now and this is his first' sabbath day' that he is taking seriously. I thought him becoming Christian wouldn't affect our relationship but now he's guilt tripping me for wanting to make a salad? We were both atheists when we got together, he always talked to me about not liking how his parents pressed religion on him and he went to jail at 17 and when he got out he moved countries, though he visits them he hasn't seen them much since 17 and now he's 26. I really don't know where to turn, I'm starting to feel awful in the relationship whilst also realising I can't change him, but I don't want to be *that* person I feel so bad if I broke up with him just because he became Christian.

Well, hey, be that person.

Sometimes people aren't compatible. I am staunchly humanist and irreligious; I don't mind people who are happy with their religion of choice, but if that religion is impugning upon others are generally being shitty, I don't give that behavior any time of day. If I were in a relationship with a person who became hardcore Christian, I would let them know that I would conflict with many of their opinions. If they wanted to follow that road deeper, that's on them, but I would immediately begin to debate whether this relationship was the right one for me.

People change. It's just what people do. I've gone through many changes in my life. And although many aren't as extreme as this one, they are certainly noticeable. Religion and politics tends to have an overriding effect on critical judgement, and extreme examples of that can really twist around someone's brain into thinking silly things. Is there any shame in celebrating the Sabbath? No, not at all, take your day of rest. Is there something wrong with insisting or getting upset that other people don't like your religion and won't respect the rules of your day of worship? No, that's fucking idiotic.

It doesn't really matter who your boyfriend was before he became more devoutly Christian. At present, he is now devoutly Christian. And all you can really do is either: 1) tell him that you're not really vibing with this, and ask him if he's willing to tone down the religious stuff around you, for the sake of your relationship; or, alternatively, 2) leave. And I don't think many people would blame you for leaving if you're feeling his actions are quite rude.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

my bf told his trans roomie he'd "never be a real man" cause he was talking shit behind my bf's back. I definitely don't agree with how his roomie was acting but when my bf said that I immediately cut him off and said "jesus, that's a really fucked up thing to say to a trans person". he got really pissed off within seconds, we were 5 mins into chilling during my lunch break and he just got up and said "I'm gonna let you eat, I've got shit to do" and walked away. I just said "ok", was kinda in shock. He has a habit of pushing away and wanting to be chased or followed, this is like the 3rd time in 2 months this has happened.

I assumed he needed to blow off steam and would hit me up later but after 4hrs nothing, so I text him. Explain im not siding with him roomie and just wanted to make my opinion clear cause I thought his words were very insensitive. He said if I could even think for a second that he's sexist then I deserve better and to just let him go, which to me is a super confusing thing to say..as if he's begging me to chose him and apologise and just walk on eggshells when I have something to say like I did earlier. I haven't replied, he blocked me on social media same day, and its been two days since we've talked or seen each other. I am so tired of chasing. One time he kicked me out in the middle of the night in a town I don't live in when I was incredibly drunk, simply because I was texting a friend who's male who lives across the damn country and is helping me store my vehicle while I'm away. He just blows up, can't seem to tackle conflict in a constructive way, and takes the slightest disagreement as the end of the world/relationship rather than something to be discussed further and figured out.

Im about to just move on but i guess I just want to hear that im not being a fucked up person by doing so. I just kinda do think I, or literally anyone, deserves better than to be pushed away constantly and expected to always follow...

thanks for your time ♡

So on one hand, this just sounds like a stupid argument. Your boyfriend said something fucked up, needed space, and took it. You closed the distance, and he basically turned the event into a sob story where you give him affection to "heal" the argument you had. I don't think he expected an apology there - this is the same "pushing away" behavior that I'm sure you've noted before. He also generally seems emotionally immature if he thinks any disagreement is the end of everything.

But here's the reality of the issue: him literally abandoning you in a random town is actively fucked up. Him blocking you from communication is fucked up. These are red flags of potential emotional abuse, because he is so emotionally immature, that he's basically willing to go scorched-earth on your safety and your relationship just to get some form of acceptance and gratification.

I think you should just move on. I do think you deserve better as well. Further, I don't think you're going to get the satisfaction of being told you're not a fucked up person. But guess what, I'll tell you: you're not being a fucked up person. He is. He is acting like an emotionally insecure child, and has some major problems that he needs to deal with on his own time.

There are a million other people out there who will treat you better. End this relationship and go find someone who will treat you right.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Is it time for us to divorce?

REPLY

(trigger warning to readers - if you are offended by things, this message is not for you).

So a few concerns. I could get all eloquent and give you this big, gripping reply, but it's going to be surprisingly short, because I think addressing the brass tacks of the matter is most important here.

Do you have things that you can identify as red flags? Sure. You should probably stop verbally abusing people you care about. You should probably be nice and compliment people. You should probably take care of the house when you are able to, not just because you feel guilty.

What is not a red flag on your end is your lack of physical affection. It's nice to be physically affectionate, but you are not obliged to do so.

That's the easy part. Here is the hard part. His red flags:

Him "getting on top of you" while you're asleep. That's sexual assault, perhaps even rape, given what you're trying to explain. I don't want to beat around the bush here. That's abusive. If you do not consent, and he is doing stuff to you anyone, that is NOT OKAY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

He should not body-shame you. Even if you do believe yourself to be overweight, he shouldn't be insulting you under any circumstances. Further, he should not blame you for his own weight gain; that's his problem, not yours.

What should you do about all this?

Leave. I know it might sound hard to hear that, and I know how awful and traumatic a divorce can be. But given the situation as you've described it, you neither sound safe or happy living with this individual. You say in your good times things are great, but that in the bad times you are terrified. And I hate to break it to you, but in a normal relationship, "terrified" should never be a word uttered.

To make this divorce happen, you should start seeking out your friends and family. You will need them. Seek out an alternate place to stay and live while divorce proceedings occur; you do not want to be around someone who is threating various forms of assault upon you. Then probably get in contact with a lawyer, as they're much more equipped to give proper advice on how actual divorce proceedings work.

__________

I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, 3 dating/engaged, and 4 married. In that time, I have noticed a lot of red flags from both of us. We are really good at working our problems out and coming to terms on most things. However, we seem to consistently hit a rut, where we just kind of break. Our relationship goes haywire, we doubt ourselves and each other, and we discuss divorce.

I hate to say it, but sometimes I am relieved when we speak of divorcing but I am so terrified.

This is the only relationship I have ever had. The closest thing I had to a relationship prior was "dating" a coworker... In which I was harrassed and blackmailed at work once he found out I liked him, and then he proceeded to assault me for a year, taking pictures and blackmailing me with them to continue "seeing" him.

I finally broke that off when I met my husband, and the guy in question stalked me for 2 years and sent me threatening messages, and pictures he had taken.

I was dealing with a lot at the time as well, I was suffering from an undiagnosed eating disorder, was over exercising, not eating, I was cutting and was seriously suicidal which I believe is why I allowed him to use me the way he was. I just didn't care.

As for my husband now, I always feel like crap around him. He constantly talks about my weight (which I am overweight, and in all fairness when he met me I was less than 100lbs.) He is constantly telling me everything I do wrong, how I need to be less lazy and more motivated. How I don't make him happy or care about his needs.

I try really hard to do everything I can to make him happy. Up until 3 weeks ago, I was working at a company that was hell. I worked 13-16 hours a day, 6 days a week. I was exhausted all the time, but attempted to do my part around the house. Now I am at a different job, working 8-10 hours, 5 days a week. I thought I would have more energy and be able to help out more around the house and be more.... Exuberant, but I'm still exhausted.

The red flags that have been bothering me lately from him are:

He is always bringing up my faults. He almost never seems to have anything good to say about me.

We don't have sex anymore. Instead, he waits until I fall asleep (after I tell him no because I'm half asleep) and I wake up to him on top of me.

He is always mad at me when I'm sick. He never tries to take care of me, just gets mad and walks away.

He tells me I'm lazy and that when he was my age, he could work twice as hard and long and still do housework, and then in the same breath he tells me that he knows I'm tired and that I need to rest.

He brings up how I "used" to look and how he used to like showing me off to his friends.

He blames me for both of us gaining weight, and him not liking himself anymore.

He has made lists of things he doesn't like about me.

Some red flags of mine:

I am very nasty and verbally abusive if I get at all defensive around him.

I almost never compliment him on his looks.

I rarely help around the house and pull my weight unless I feel guilty.

I don't allow him to cuddle me or kiss me the way he wants.

I am not very affectionate with him anymore and don't show him I care.

Can you please give me some advice? I don't know if we are doomed to fail in this relationship, or if it is a communication issue... Or if we are just toxic for each other.

In our good times, we are amazing. But it's the red flags and the bad times that terrify me.

Thank you,

[name omitted]

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

uh hello. i just need some advice, if thats okay? so me and my qpp (queerplatonic partner) have been together for just ynder a month, and everytime i try to be serious about anything, he brushes me off or straight up ignores me. its funny sometimes, to see my long rants and then him sending a video about ham, but it gets old. i always listen to him when he talks about serious things. i feel like that respect and time should be reciprocated. examples include: oh, we’ve been making jokes about less than platonic things. i am neurodivergent and findnit hard to differentiate jokes from seriousness, and so i type a little note to remind him i am strictly *platonically* in love with him, nothing more. he ignores it. or even something else- i vent for a moment about mental health, etc etc. he just doesn’t respond, or deflects. and when i apologize because i think i made him uncomfortable? ignored as well. i dont mean he doesnt talk to me- he talks to me every day. and i know he loves me. he tells me so often i dont think i’ll ever be able to forget, but i just dont know how to communicate anymore. everything is a joke to him, and it genuinely hurts when i talk about something serious i am passionate about, and he doesnt reply with either the same enthusiasm, or just an ounce of seriousness. i asked my friend, and they said he might just be afraid of intimacy. i understand that, so how do i fix this? sorry for the long ask this has just been building up the last few days

-🍰 anon

Communication is going to be your own route forward. You say that you really need acknowledgement and reciprocation of your issues when talking with your partner.

One concern about this is that you're holding them up to an expectation. While this isn't inherently a bad thing - we all have expectations in our own lives, and that's a good thing - it's important to note that by building these expectations, it makes us inherently incompatible with those who cannot meet those expectations and needs. That's just the way it goes, and you have to be accepting and accommodating of those who can't fit the bill that you require of them.

It doesn't really matter WHY your partner is unable to take things seriously like this, or why he's not giving you the type of attention that you're looking for. But what is definitely possible here is that you can take steps to try to rectify this by making him aware of these expectations. Sit him down and let him know the talk you're about to have with him is serious. When you believe you have his attention, let him know that you feel bad when talking to him because of the things he does sometimes. Explain basically everything you said to me, and why what he does is upsetting you. Then ask him if he would be willing or able to help you out with some of that stuff.

An important point you noted is that your partner is NOT responsible for your mental health. But but but. That but is doing a lot of heavy lifting in your second message. This is where expectations we put on others become a little unfair. When you walk out your front door, you cannot hold the expectation that everyone is going to respect you for your identity, for your neurodivergence, for your personality differences, for your various opinions. That's unreasonable. Similarly, you can't expect your partner to not have to deal with your issues, BUT ALSO, deal with your issues in a way that makes you happy. At the end of the day, we all have our own troubles. Maybe he does lack the ability to sympathize/empathize, and that's just not part of his skillset; maybe he struggles with intimacy, like your friend suggests, and this is a manifestation of that. It doesn't matter; that's his issue and you can't fix that.

But by explaining yourself to him, you can try to fix the parts of your relationship you don't like, either by explaining what your expectations are and asking if he can accommodate them, or  setting boundaries so that he knows where not to cross in order to keep you comfortable.

What if you do all this and nothing changes? Well hey, maybe this relationship really isn't the best one to be in. That's okay. Your relationship with them has only lasted about a month; most relationships end before 3 months, so if you need to bow out and see other people, there's no shame in that. But first make sure you communicate your needs and ask for change. If change comes, awesome; if it doesn't, then don't be afraid to make your own path.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

recently my partner (non-binary) told me that when we have the same conversation, about one of my insecurities, that it’s really tiring and reminds them of their ex and that they can’t keep having the same conversation with me which I understand because it’s tiring to me to have the insecurity and I know it’s no their job to fix or make me feel better but it really sucks because I literally have no one and I can’t go to therapy right now so I’m stuck, do you have any advice how to deal with insecurities on my own ?

So this is hard for me to advise on, not because I don't have a ton of advice to give! The bigger issue is that I don't know the specifics about this insecurity. But you hit the nail on the head when explaining things here. It is not your partner's job to deal with your problems or insecurities. If you are insecure, and feeling stress and anxiety, it's your duty to seek help from a medical professional.

You mention you can't seek out a therapist right now. But have you tried? Have you actually called a few up and talked to them? Many therapists will give a free consultation, and others can use a sliding scale of payment. You won't know until you contact their individual offices and talk to them directly. You should watch this video by Kati Morton on looking into therapy when you don't have a lot of money; it's an extremely valuable resource.

You also want help looking into your own insecurities on your own. I wouldn't recommend this, because it is VERY difficult for even the best of us to tackle this stuff without professional help. I do think there is value to learning various techniques. So I recommend you look more into Kati Morton's Youtube page. She has a ton of resources, and whatever insecurity you have, she's probably talked about it before in a video. See if she has, and learn more about the specific feelings you're feeling. If you're not sure where your insecurity comes from, start googling around a bit, and see if you can nail it down a little better. The better you know what is causing your insecurity, the easier it will be to deal with it.

Okay, but like, that's a lot of work. We're on Tumblr and we're super lazy. Are there any other tips? Yes! Pick up a hobby. Anything will do, but it has to be active and engaging. Netflix does not count. Art or painting, making music, coding websites, exercising or playing a sport, the amount of hobbies you can pick up are limited only by your talents and imaginations. But seek out of of these hobbies, and commit yourself to it; these hobbies can act as mental "safe spaces," and help clear your mind when it's swimming around with negativity or uncomfy thoughts. For instance, someone who suffers from anxiety is the ideal candidate for meditation, and I would recommend it actively. There are a MILLION different resources out there for any hobby, most of the info being free. And if you want to do an activity that costs money, there are usually low-cost, entry methods into any hobby that can get you started.

If all of this seems like a mess, and you need more specific advice, feel free to write back in, and I can try to help you with getting resources that suit your needs more appropriately. 

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Ive been with my partner for a good 5 years now.

I love them. I dont want to marry them though. And recently ive felt like i need to find my identity outside of a relationship. Im scared of losing my best friend by breaking things off, I just cant be romantically involved with anyone right now. Any advice on how to halt our romantic relationship and still be friends? There is nothing wrong in our relationship. Im just not in a good mental space.

My biggest advice here is the last thing you said. If you had just said, "I'm not feeling it anymore," I'd be completely understanding and encourage you that maybe ending the relationship is the best option.

And then you said, "I'm not in a good mental space," and that changes the ENTIRE dynamic of your message.

It's good that you're able to admit that you aren't feeling well mentally. That's the first step to getting better! The second step is going in to see a therapist or medical professional who can best address your unique needs. I know you might feel like getting out of this relationship might be for the best. And it's very appealing to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

But I also see the rest of the things you said. "I love them. I'm scared. ...Still be friends. There is nothing wrong..." These are signs of good, stable, and healthy relationships based around trust and affection. And people don't usually like to just throw those in the dumpster because they're bored. People usually don't actively put themselves in strange and scary situations because they need to "find an identity." You're scared, and worried, because you're not feeling well, and that mentality is beginning to affect your perception of your relationship.

It needs to be noted that I'm not saying you shouldn't end the relationship. And I do think that it's possible to remain friends - sometimes - even after ending a relationship. But because you are in an extremely long-term relationship AND you actively admit that you are not in a good mental space, I cannot in good faith advise you to end your relationship without you first trying to address any problems you have with your mental health. That needs to be step one; we can't skip steps here, because the last thing we need is for you to make a decision that you can't take back. Let your partner know you're not in a good mental space; let them know it's affecting your relationship with them, and that you might be acting weird or different, and to please be patient with you. And at the same time, seek out a therapist and try to figure out what's going on.

Stick this out a few more months, and see where you're at after you get some help. If you're still not feeling it, you can end things knowing your did your best.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

So I cant remember if I already sent this or just gave up on typing it, but im sending thus just for good measure. My partner and I have been together for like 6-7 years and lately ive been feeling like were better off as friends, at least for awhile....... We're each other first relationship and while ive always seen ua getting married and raising children together, im now feeling like I want to be able to experiment and be with other people before I settle down so young. He says im his whole world so I dont wanna break his heart, but also its not fair to him that im not giving this relationship my all at this point. What should I do?

This is a hard question to answer, because the thing you're asking for is not an easy thing to acquire. After doing this for so long, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as "a break." I've never liked "taking a break," and have only grown stronger in that opinion. This is because I've never seen a "break" work out.

A thing to think about earnestly is that "taking a break" is synonymous with "breaking up." It causes the same damage to a relationship as breaking up; it comes with all the same effects, except with an added dash of confusion and frustration. So you need to start thinking about your decision less in terms of "taking a break," and more in terms of breaking up with your partner.

That might sound intimidating, and that's what I want to impress upon you. You are dabbling with an intimidating idea. You essentially want to end your relationship indefinitely, and date around with other people instead, rather than holding the line and staying together. That's a big deal.

This is why I use the phrase "you can't unring that bell." Imagine a town with a belltower; when the bell rings, the entire town knows there is an emergency, and responds accordingly. You're responsible for that bell; you determine when it rings. But if you ring the bell, there's no taking that decision back; the whole town is going to react as if it is life or death. So if you realize you rang the bell, but it's a false alarm... well, there are no false alarms, only alarms and mistakes.

You can't make people unhear the alarm, so make sure you only ring that bell right when it needs to be rang.

Only end a relationship if you know there is no other option.

So, what are your options? Your main goal in taking a break here is to "experiment." That's certainly an option you can take, and nobody would shame you for it. But also remember that if you end your relationship, your partner can also move on and "experiment" with as many people as he wants. Are you okay with that reality? If so, then maybe breaking up is a good option still.

You could also consider a open relationship; you remain together, and committed to one another, but open up the relationship to dating and other such affairs outside of the relationship. This is a way of maintaining the structure, but just ditching the monogamy. Your partner might not like this; if they signed up for a monogamous relationship, they may reject the notion of you wanting to see other people. It's a concern, but it is an option. Alternatively, remember that if you both agree to an open relationship, that means that he is ALSO allowed to see other people while dating you. You can't get mad at him if he also wants to move on and have some fun with the newfound boundaries of the relationship.

The other thing to ask yourself is why you want to experiment with other people? Is it because you're bored of your current relationship? Is it because you don't feel romance for your partner any more? Is it because you have other people you're interested in and want to experiment with? All of these are valid answers, but you need to really drill down and try to figure out where this decision is coming from so that you can act appropriately.

Furthermore, have you had this conversation with your partner yet? Not ending the relationship, but letting him know that the relationship is lacking in romance; that you feel like friends more than lovers? You've had days, weeks, maybe months to ponder this idea; but your partner could be completely clueless, and have no idea that there's even a problem occurring in the first place. Make sure you have open lines of communication regarding this issue, and making sure he's aware of what's coming before you blindside him with some serious news.

Either way, just make sure you know what you're getting into before you actually propose a break like this. Don't take it lightly, because if you end this relationship, you shouldn't have any expectation you'll be able to get it back when your experimentations have finished. Assume it's the end, hard stop, and deal with the rest as it comes.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Im dealing with a lot of trauma from csa and other recent things that have happened, and i dont know how to tell my partnwr I dont really wanna be kissed and touched right now. Its not his fault, whenevrr I try ro bring it up I am super vague about it or I just kind of play it off as a joke so he doesnt understand the intensity of it. How do I set healthy boundaries without hurting his feelings?

Use your words. Tell him your boundaries.

Unless your partner is psychic - which if he is, tell me, because I want to ask him about the lottery - your partner is not going to be able to ever understand or conceptualize your trauma. He is expressing his appreciation and affection to you through physical touch, an extremely normal, human thing to do. You are not in a place to receive that type of affection right now, and that is also an extremely, normal human reaction to the things that you have endured. But until he knows that he is upsetting you with a thing that, from his perspective, is entirely normal, then he's going to keep doing that thing that makes you uncomfortable.

I had a partner who was effectively groomed for a period of time. Nothing bad happened to them, fortunately. But when they realized how close they came to the edge of a really bad situation, it FREAKED THEM OUT. But they refused to tell me for MONTHS. I could tell something was wrong; they stopped showing me any sort of affection - physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally - and stopped responding to me when I was showing them affection of any sort. But I thought that our relationship had gone south; that they hated me and were trying to make me feel like shit so I would end the relationship for them. I tried to talk to them about the issue, but they always brushed it off, not wanting to admit the truth about their situation. After awhile, they wanted to start hanging out with these other people in their friend circles, because they made them feel un-judged; but me, still confused, I thought they were openly flirting and courting these people right in front of me. I felt like I was being cheated on, and had a lot of evidence to cite as proof. So I came to them and said, "Hey, I have concerns that you might be cheating on me, and that makes me uncomfortable," and also reported the extreme lack of my needs getting met.

This turned into them having a breakdown with me, finally admitting what had happened and what was wrong. And you know how I responded? COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDING. Because I had no idea they had even experienced trauma, or were still suffering from it. If this was real - if they truly were experiencing trauma - I could be okay with that. I can understand that I misinterpreted their trauma, and said as long as they focused on getting better, I would be there to support them. They did that, and I supported them through that, and it all worked out.

Your trauma is real. And only you can address it. Your partner cannot help - this is a you issue, and only you and a medical professional can help get you across the finish line. But you can't leave him in the dark on this issue. If his actions of affection are triggering your trauma, then that's straight up not good or healthy. You guys can talk about affection and boundaries going forward, but only after you explain that there is a problem. You don't have to go line-by-line explaining your csa or the recent things that happened. Look at how you expressed your issues to me - you told me you dealt with CSA (because it's important I know the context), and that you have some sort of baggage but you just didn't explain it to me. Cool, your baggage is none of my business, and you explaining your dealt with CSA means I know how to appropriately talk to you in order not to further upset you.

You did great at explaining things to me. Now you need to do your best and explain it to him. Your partner should support and understand you. If he is confused, and wants you to explain something about your trauma, just let him know that you can't, because it still hurts too much. That is also part of setting boundaries; respecting them, regardless of their circumstances.

Will all this hurt his feelings? Yeah, sure, maybe. But look at my example again. Look how my feelings were already hurt due to not knowing there was a problem. Humans are smart; we feel these things before we even realize them, but if we don't have the context to understand the problem, then we're going to do our best to solve it on our own. If we come to the wrong conclusion, that can also cause pain. And besides, the lack of truth makes things so messy, and it makes everything way more drama-filled and confusing than it needs to be.

I believe in you; you were strong enough to open up about your experiences to me, and I'm literally just a dude on the internet. Now it's time to do your best to share the same with your partner. Do this, and make sure you're seeking out therapy to ensure that when you set those boundaries with your partner, he'll know that you will be working meaningfully to get better on your end while he respects things on his end.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

so..im rlly anxious and i rlly want..some attention from my bf...cuz like ik he loves me and all..but like i just- idk how to ask. i dnt say anything and well our chats r getting so dull. ends up with me thinking of what to say..and him leavin to do somethin else. we dont have any problems..like were fine yk everytime its somethin about our love..i can tell he sincerely means it..but like idk..i just want some mor..love i guess. im too anxious to straight up ask. (We're a long-distance couple)

Ask. Ask him for more attention.

I can't tell you how many people have come to me in your situation. "I'm so afraid, I'm too anxious to ask for the [INSERT THING I DESPERATELY NEED]." And I give them the same advice every single time, because it's the correct advice every single time: ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

No buts. Shut up. Stop being dumb. You know you're being dumb, because you expressed it to me just now. You literally explained the problem to me. "I want attention... idk how to ask... i don't say anything... we [get bored]." The solution to this math problem is ASK FOR ATTENTION and TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND.

I know, I get it, it's scary to think about saying the right thing. So stop thinking. There is no "right thing to say," you're just getting into your head and spiraling around by trying to be a perfectionist. There is no right thing to say, so say it. There is no right way to ask for attention, so just ask for it.

Okay, but maybe asking vocally/verbally is difficult. I get you, I get social anxiety too. If I have a really important thing that I need to say, but I can't bring myself to say it out loud, I write down all my thoughts in a letter, and then pass that letter to the person. Or I write out a big DM and send it to them online. This way you can say exactly what you want to say and they don't have a choice but to wait til you're done talking before they are allowed to respond.

Again, I don't care how anxious you or anyone else is. All I care is that you get what you need out of your relationship. But you're the only one responsible for getting what you need. If you are hungry, only you can feed yourself; if you are thirsty, only you can go get some water. If you need attention, and you're not being given it, only you can pursue it. Now put on your big kid pants and take care of your needs, because you already know you can do it.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Hey so my partner and I have been together over a year now and I hate to say it, but he’s given me so many red flags but I feel like I’m in too deep.. we share a car, I’ve invested several thousands into an apartment we’re renovating together, etc. I don’t have any friends (my choice), and I feel like if we were to split I’d be crushed. But fr I don’t know what to do. I’m in too deep and I love him with all my heart but I know we’re toxic together. I feel like shit and idk what to do :(

The issue here is that you haven't actually stated any of these red flags you've been seeing, so it's hard for me to make an assessment of your circumstances. Red flags for what? Violent behavior? Abusive behavior? Sexually threatening behavior? These are all extremely serious issues, and if you feel your life and person are at threat, it doesn't matter how "deep" you are in with him; you need to bail ASAP and worry about the consequences later.

But what are these "red flags?" Red flags for cheating? Do you have proof? Red flags for being a person you don't want to date? In what way? Red flags for "toxic behavior?" Toxic behavior is also a loaded term that can mean a million different things, which doesn't get to the heart of the matter.

You see why that "red flags" statement is carrying a lot of weight here? I don't know what YOU consider a red flag, because when I use that phrase, I mean "SERIOUS AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS SIGNS," which I have already given you the best advice in such a situation: get out now. If you do not mean the same thing that I mean, then it's hard for me to give ideal advice. Feel free to write me again to give more details if you want, and I can try to apply more specific advice.

But give that you said, "We're toxic together," and you "love him" I'm going to cross my fingers and hope you're not in mortal peril at the moment, and give you a more generalized advice.

Here's the deal. One big mistake a lot of people make is the one you have, so you shouldn't get too hard on yourself. You overcommitted. You leapt before you looked because you saw something exciting and wanted in on it, and now you're in the ocean without a life vest, and the tide is rolling in. That's okay. You're human; you do oopsies; we're all just dumb monkeys with smartphones, so try not to stress out.

Firstly, with regard to the apartment, there's not much you can do if you want to split. The money is spent, and especially if you are on a lease or contractually obligated to help pay for the establishment, that's just a thing you'll have to work out on your own time - there are no easy answers for that sort of thing, and you'll have to either talk with your partner about that issue, or you'll have to try to maybe get in contact with some kind of lawyer. With regard to your car, you "share" it, but the car belongs to someone at the end of the day. Whoever's name is on the title, that is the owner. If both names are on the title, then again, contacting a lawyer would probably be the best call if you two decide to split.

And it's okay to not have a lot of friends. Believe me, if you do split, and move on, you'll find new friends and be okay. Yeah, it'll suck and you'll probably be crushed for a bit. But all things heal with time, so again, don't stress the details.

The key moving forward here is to try and diagnose the problems in the relationship, and see if there is anything that can be done to solve them. I can almost guarantee that regardless of how "toxic" a relationship might be, most problems in most relationships are very "simple stupid," aka they usually are caused by really stupid problems that are really simple to resolve. For instance, one of the biggest "toxic" factors in a relationship is both parties yell at each other. You know how to fix that? Stop yelling at each other. WOW SHOCKING I KNOW, and I know the instinctive response is "BUT BUT BUT WE CAN'T HELP IT." Yes you can. If you feel you are becoming to aggressive or heated in an argument, take a breath and walk away; cool off and try again later - shouting solves nothing.

What if the problem is that you two are stressed because of how close you are? You share a lot of responsibilities, and maybe it's getting to you. "Simple stupid." The problem is that you guys are too wound up. Take a break with each other; get out of town for a day, go on some dates, or go hang out with personal friends. Destress if you feel tightly wound. Is that a long term fix? No, because you're going to get stressed all over again. But so does everyone else. The process therein is work hard, feel that tension, then relieve it by doing nice thing, then repeat. That's adulthood.

What if the problem actually is more complex than that? That's where you'd need to write in and explain what the actual problem is. I'd be happy to try and help. And I must emphasize again, if your problem is that your partner is physically or sexually abusing you, NONE OF THIS ADVICE APPLIES. LEAVE ASAP, CALL THE POLICE IF YOU NEED TO.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

So essentially me and my boyfriend are both poly and in an open relationship and recently I started dating another person who I love very much and who's making me happier than I've ever been. I still love my boyfriend but I don't feel that attached to him anymore but I don't wanna break up because he seems to love me a lot more and he was already planning our future and he's a genuinely nice guy who I want to be friends with but I'm afraid hell hate me or it'll be awkward as well as I'll hurt him. What do I do?

Well, even though you're in a poly relationship, the fundamentals of a strong and stable relationship are still as important as ever. And that fundamental is that: if you are in a relationship that you do not feel happy being in, you should probably consider leaving.

The big question for you to answer here is why are you not attached to him anymore? Is it because you stopped liking him awhile ago, and that's why you were pursuing things with the new partner you found? Or are you in the middle of a honeymoon phase with this new partner: they're new and shiny, and you like them a lot, and the amount that you like them have put your old partner into a shadow where they look old and dusty. This is a very common sensation, and one you should be aware of. Or is the situation more practical: your old partner does something that you don't like, or you've been unhappy with tangible things regarding the relationship, and you think you're just done.

Regardless of the reason, you should figure out why you feel so insistent about breaking up. Because this brings you to the topic of "you can't unring that bell." It's a phrase I repeat quite frequently here. It essentially means that once you make the call to end the relationship, there's no taking back that decision; it's permanent, and you should treat it that way. What that also means is that if you suddenly change your mind a month or two later, and realize you didn't actually want to break up with them - you were just having a moment or confused - well, too bad. The action was permanent, and you should have treated it with more care.

This is the advice essentially for any break up. Make sure you know why you're doing it; then, make sure that is a good reason; make sure that if the reason can be solved or fixed, that you attempt to solve or fix it; finally, if you see no other recourse, then pull the trigger and end the relationship, but be prepared for that decision to last forever and don't be expecting to look back sometime later.

Breaking up will hurt him. It won't be fun - it will be awkward. But you need to accept that fact, because if you know for certain you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, then you will only be causing yourself hurt to be remaining in it.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

Okay here is the situation, me and two of my friends about two weeks ago were like “Wouldn’t it be funny if we convinced our other friends we were a throuple on April fools?” and, surprise, it started becoming less and less of a joke. Finally one of us admitted that we would actually be down for it. I suggested we take it slow and go through kind of a gray dating phase, one that's not really a relationship but we describe it as “relationship vibes”.

So now I am here. In a relationship that has two aspects that I am not used too. So got any advice for my relationship? There isn’t anything really wrong, I know, but I would love tips.

Throuple, that's a word that I basically never hear. 😂

But hey, awesome for you folks deciding that's the best path for you! I think it's a good idea to test the waters as you've suggested; you can make sure y'all actually get along and if this is sustainable, or this maybe isn't the best path for you. It's also good that you detect no real problems at the moment!

Tips? Well, there are plenty. Because polyamorous / open relationships in general - including triads, throuples, or 3-way relationship - are difficult, and definitely come with unique challenges.

Find the jealousy and be honest about it. Some people never get jealous. Man, I wish I had their magic powers, because I DO get jealous. The long and short of situations like this is MOST people get jealous. That's okay, but it can be a little extra uncomfortable if there is jealousy between partners in a poly relationship. Because of this, if anyone feels jealous about something - especially while you all are testing the waters - you need to open up about is ASAP. That's easier said than done. If YOU feel yourself become jealous, you should admit it. But going forward over the next month or two, you should ask them as a group: Hey, have you felt jealous at all? I just want to make sure, because I don't want to upset anyone by accident. Doing this openly, as a group, can incentivize the others to be more open about their experiences and any hardships that they may be dealing with. Jealousy in a poly relationship is like black mold: it hides in a dark corner, and if nobody deals with it, it makes the entire relationship inhospitable. Burn that shit with the fire of daylight. It doesn't matter how petty the problem is. "The other day, person A and person C were holding hands, but you didn't hold my hand too, and I felt really upset!" "Person B and Person C ALWAYS are hanging out; I'm feeling lonely." Little shit like that gets under skin, and if nobody acknowledges they actually had a problem with something, it festers. Don't let it. Just have check-ins with the group and make sure nobody is upsetting anyone. This is especially important because it's so easy for something petty like those examples I gave to get completely blown out of proportion. Active communication will be key to eliminating those factors.

Schedule time. This might sound like you're preparing conference calls and bullshit. But it ties into the jealousy issue: if you folks are in a three-way relationship, that means you need to be able to spend time with everyone as equally as possible. If you all like to hang out together, that solves a lot of issues. But eventually, someone is gonna get sick, or someone is going to be busy with work or school, and the other people in the relationship will want to be social. And sometimes we want alone time. That's all okay. Just make sure you schedule it right. Be mindful of how much time everyone is spending with one another to make sure nobody is accidentally left out. Make sure you have an active group chat or text chat so that you all have an active convo for the group. Even if all you end up doing is sharing memes and tiktoks, or just joking around, it's worth it to have that shared space where you all are equal. Bonus points if you all flirt together in the group chat, because that's not only super wholesome, but a good way of generally encouraging openness between everyone.

Talk about your limits. Just like any relationships, everyone has special expectations and boundaries. The key here is that there's a third person in the agenda, and you're going to have to factor that in. Make sure you all talk as a group about what everyone is and is not okay with. For instance, if I was in a poly relationship right now, my hard rule is that I would need alone time with both people separately. Why? I dunno, but I need that dammit. So I need to make that clear so both of them understand that while I like everyone as a group, I also like them as individuals and need that solo time. This is just an example, as all of your needs will be different from mine. But make sure you find what those limits, boundaries, and expectations are, and that they are actively communicated to the whole group.

Talk sexy time. Let's be honest, if you all are romantic with each other, the odds of you all wanting sexy time with SOMEONE in the group is going to rise eventually. Make sure you talk about that sort of stuff early on. This kinda ties in with learning people's boundaries, but learning sexual boundaries early is valuable. An easy question: are you guys okay with a threesome? That might seem like an obvious question in a poly relationship, but it really isn't. And if someone is not down with that, it helps to know that now.  Also learning about people's kinks and what they are and are not okay with is valuable. A good group project for you all is making "Want / Will / Won't" charts, which you can learn more about here and I highly recommend it. Once you all do that, you can compare your charts and see where you all align best.

Either way, general open communication between all parties and just learning how to be romantic with both of them and each other is the most valuable steps forward. Take it day by day, and if anyone feels uncomfortable, don't be afraid to back out.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

my partner and i are LDR (i am a girl and they are nonbinary) we've been together for about a year and I'm starting to feel like we'd be better off as friends. Neither of us come from great families (they moved out and live on their own, i still live with my family unfortunately), and i guess that's part of why we relate to each other, but they think we have this super healthy relationship, but they never seem interested in things i like to talk about unless it's something they're interested in too, they freak out if i talk to anyone that they think i could be remotely into even if I reassure them twenty times over that I'm not, and then they message me at random times asking if i still love them and that I'd never leave them. I always say yes and that I'd never leave because i feel guilty. I don't want to leave them but i feel like it would be healthier for the both of us, but i genuinely don't know how to do it. I think it would be healthy for them to learn how to be single and see a therapist about their relationship insecurities before trying a relationship again, but i don't want to hurt their feelings. I feel like I'm trapped.

Well, you're not trapped. You just feel guilty, as you so adequately explained. You're worried that you'll hurt their feelings by breaking up, and that is a perfectly valid feeling. You have sympathy for them - that's not a bad thing - you are a caring person.

But part of being a caring, sympathetic person means you also need to have self-care, and sympathize with your own needs. And if your needs are not being met by this individual, then it's time to move on. You know this already - you don't need me to explain it to you. You wrote in likely looking for some strange hiccup in the calculus, like I'm going to come swooping in like Prince Charming and give you the perfect answer on how to fix this.

But that answer is this: sometimes things can't be fixed. Sometimes things don't work. And that's okay.

It's okay that this didn't work out. It's okay if you want to be single. It's okay if you don't want to date them. It's okay if you two don't get along. It's okay if you no longer vibe with the relationship anymore. It's all okay. If you think you would be happier out of this relationship, then that is the right answer for you, and that's the goal you should pursue. Yeah, it's not fun to break up with someone; yeah, their feelings will get hurt, and that sucks. But your feelings RIGHT NOW are being hurt by being in a relationship that's making you unhappy. You can fix that. End it. Sometimes, that's the right course of action.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

My bf can be very stubborn and ignorant and although i love him, he disagrees with all my base beliefs. He's white and he says the n word and he constantly sexualises me cos I'm bi and he doesn't think i can love women in the same way so it's 'not offensive' and he's quite the misogynist and says women want equity not equality cos in reality they can't do everything men can. I know that it doesn't sound like a good base for a relationship but i do love him, and i do call him out on things like this. But he is a huge hypocrite and starts with 'i have a right to say what i want in my own house and the door is there babe' he gets really entitled over his right of speech and opinion and i call him out for not doing the same to me. He just got really upset and has left without saying anything, i called him out on being a hypocrite and not caring about other people. I have been feeling not good mentally speaking and he keeps telling me to get over it, then he goes into a spiel about how he has gone through such troubling and depressing times and I'm like? I try and react sympathetically which seems to be what he wants but i don't get the same evel of comfort. I've told him some of my biggest insecurities about our relationship and he takes it as a joke and at first it was funny but it's just ended up giving me trust issues with him. It's so difficult because I love him but with each passing day I'm seeing less of a future with him. He makes me feel really guilty when i call him out on his bs and tell him how i feel and I'm starting to get really pent up. He doesn't like it when i talk for too long so when I've had a stressful day at work i try not to bug him etc. The relationship is starting to make me feel awful and it is obviously affecting us as i am becoming really short tempered with him and i am very negative. He acts like he wants a relationship and talks money and kids and wants me to feel at home etc but he never makes plans or likes to talk to me. When i tell him this he just says 'you have to speak to me if you want a conversation' but then he locks in his room on xbox and says 'one sec' everytime. I'm starting to feel really insecure but then when we have a few good days i change my mind. I'm flirting with the idea of breaking up but part of me wants to see if it will get better. So much of me is scared to break up cos i know even if i instigate it i will be really upset and i feel like he will not care and move on quickly.

Hey. Hey. Hey there.

Here's me, your friendly advice giver, and I have some advice for you.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DATE SHITBAGS.

Seriously. I know you're scared about ending things because you feel like you'll be torn up. And you probably won't feel very happy, because it's hard to end relationships. But of all the gross shit you've mentioned in your message, there's two things I actually agree with your racist, misogynistic, shitbag of a partner about.

He is allowed to have his own opinions. He is allowed to be racist, he's allowed be my misogynistic, and he's allowed to be a hypocrite. He's allowed to be an awful human being. Nobody can tell him otherwise, nobody can fix him, and nobody can change his mind unless he wants to be changed.

The door is right there.

Why would he say something so shitty like that? It's like he literally wants you to break up with him. He doesn't; he knows how lucky he is that he somehow held onto you. Bonus points for him if he still gets sex with you; double bonus points if he still maintains control over you. These are the benefits of dating you in his eyes, because it's fun to him.

But the door is right there. This mans literally just said "bet," and you folded on that bet. This mans literally said, "I dare you to leave," and you didn't dare. He won.

But he doesn't have to win. As you've clearly explained here, this guy basically has no redeeming qualities. He's racist, he's a little homophobic, he's misogynistic, he may even be a bit incel-y, he rejects criticism, he is entitled, he's a coward and can't even confront you directly, he is controlling, he is manipulative. And most importantly, as he has shown with his actions, HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR WELL BEING.

The only thing that remains to be asked is: what are you getting out of this? How are you benefiting? You've admitted you're unhappy, you've admitted this relationship is putting you in a bad place mentally, you've admitted you don't like him and don't agree with him, and you've admitted that he literally is not willing to care about you. The only thing positive you said about him is that you "love" him, but what is that love even based on? Anything?

The answer is no, that love is based on literally nothing but the fact that at one point you wanted to commit to him. The only reason you still love him is because the idea of being single is scary. But you are in an ugly - borderline abusive - relationship. And the door is right there. Follow his advice, and follow mine: get out. There's nothing left for you with this guy, and there is 100% a million other people who are infinitely better than the trashbag that is this individual. Yes, it hurts to pull the bandaid off; but the bandaid is not clean, and it's time to move on. All wounds will heal. But not if you keep letting the wound injure you. Leave. You'll thank yourself later.

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

At my old job, my favorite co-worker told me that he liked me. I have a rule about not dating my coworkers due to the mess that it can bring. Now that I have a new job, I would like to revisit that conversation and start to date like he proposed. I don’t know how to navigate this situation now that I don’t see him as often (only when I go back to the store to run errands) and don’t talk to him outside of that old work place. Any advice?

Legit just talk to him. Text him, call him, fucking get in a Zoom call, it legitimately doesn't matter. Just be like, "Hey, do you still have a crush on me? Because I do like you, I just have a rule about not dating co-workers." Bonus points if you already told him this. Let him know your feelings, see if he's down; if he's down, have fun!

The beauty here is this works in any situation. Have a crush on your college professor? It's unethical to date there, and that's a bad power dynamic... but if you're not their student any more, there are no ethical conundrums! Same goes for your doctor, or people in age-gap relationships, or legitimately anything where there is an ethical conundrum.

Speaking more broadly to anyone reading this, this is why all relationships should generally be approached with ethics in mind. Morality can only get you so far, because it's based on emotions and feelings; we all generally know what is "good" and "bad," but we also have a strong sense of right and wrong. Should an 18 year old high schooler date their teacher? No, we can all accept that this is generally unacceptable based on ethics, because the high schooler can get taken advantage of really easy due to their connection to the teacher. Could the same 18 year old high schooler date a teacher from a different school? Well, morally, some people might frown on that, but there is no ethical conundrum; both are legal adults and beyond an imbalanced power dynamic, both are allowed to do whatever they want as long as they follow the laws.

You're smart to not want to date co-workers. It does cause drama, or has the high potential to. This is why most jobs also mandate that you don't date on the job; they usually have bylaws about this in those giant "Welcome to the Job" handbooks they give you when you're hired that nobody actually reads. But you treat your role ethically; that's good. Now that there is no ethical mishap, you're free to date whoever you want. So have fun and good luck!

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I've recently just discovered I'm demisexual and not long out of a long term relationship. I am genuinely dreading going back out there in the dating world again. I hate the idea of having to go through all sorts of people till I find someone I'm comfortable with again, after my break up my self esteem is pretty low too. I'm worried that now with my recent discovery this will make things harder for me to find a partner. I know 100% I want to be in love and find someone but at the same time I'm done with talking to numerous of different people who are more sexually driven than me, I'm worried I wont find someone who will understand what I need from them.

Do you know of anybody going through the same thing and they turned out ok or would it be best to come out straight away to a potential partner and is there a chance they will be understanding? I just can't seem to get out my own head that I'll end up alone with the I am.

Hey, hello! I don't identify as demisexual because the term isn't really for me, but it's probably the closest descriptor to how I have always approached romance personally. So hopefully my direct experiences are relatable enough.

I too hate dating in general. It's awful. It's this constant game that's played through mostly vapid people who are generally insecure with themselves and not confident enough to just be themselves. They have to turn it into this whole event, and especially these days in the time of ghosting and increasing porousness of relationship, this has only become more exacerbated. Everyone's out there wanting to hook up and expand their horizons when I'm just over here wanting to meet someone I can actually connect with before I take that next step. It really feels like nobody is really interested in stable, fulfilling relationships because they can't even be bothered.

But guess what: it turned out okay. I am currently in a 3-year long relationship with someone. It's rocky at times, especially because it's long-distance. But that's okay, because I got into this relationship prepared for the long-haul anyway, so it works out. Over time, I fell completely into trust with them, so even when the romance might feel like it's waning, I know that at the end of the day I have a trusted companion to carry any attachment through.

Now to your questions. Should you come out straight away? You don't have to, but I find it helpful. I typically treat relationships very openly: just spit it all out, throw it on the table, and let other people decide whether they're into that or not. I do this with pretty much everything to. For instance, I'm into anime. I know a lot of people - especially where I live - find that cringey or lame. I don't give a fuck, because I find people who think anime is cringey or lame are the ones who are cringey and lame. So I often outrightly speak on that thing I care about. What are you interested in Chris? "I'm really into anime." It acts as this convenient filter. People who definitely don't like that thing will be like "ew" and walk away; good, I don't need them wasting my time. People who don't mind will stick around. That's all that matters.

Sexualities, however, are a bit more intricate than that. And I think whether you should reveal it or not depends on where you live. One reason I don't care to identify with it is because it's just not useful where I live. I'm in Texas; the majority of people here, even the liberals and leftists, are VERY conservative. They don't understand what demisexual even means. So why even trouble them on that? Because I still need to approach them with that filter, because if they're not into that, they're a bad long-term bet. I explain it by asking questions during conversation - usually conversations where they've passed my barriers, and we've earned some degree of trust where these sorts of questions are acceptable to ask. "What your sex drive like? Mine is often pretty low, but I'm really only interested in doing stuff with the right person." Or something like, "I'm not really into hook-ups. I've tried it before, but it made me really sad. I'd rather do it with someone I trusted." You'll note I'm basically describing what demisexuality is to them without actually just saying it out loud; this way if they don't know what it is, they learned how I feel, not what the dictionary definition is; further, if they do know what it is, they know I fit that bill. It's also just being honest, and allows them to learn about me more.

If you're in a place where sexualities and other such stuff is spoken about openly though, I see no harm in just saying it out loud. If I was closer to the term, I'd probably tell people pretty early, "Hey, I'm bisexual and demisexual. I generally only like to be intimate with people who I really trust." No reason to beat around the bush, and it basically qualifies my stances on sexuality: I tend to seek out people on the binary, and I tend to only do it with people I really care about. It should obviously not be the first thing you say; but saying it early saves a lot of headache. If someone's only objective is to get in your pants, and they learn early you're not into that, then they'll leave of their own accord and you can move on without investing energy in someone who doesn't matter to you. Also, if you're online dating, PUT IT IN YOUR BIO. There' really just zero reason not to put it in your bio, because it makes self-selection of the other party who are swiping for you or checking your profile easier.

To your last point, will you end up alone? It might seem dower, but yes, you might. Why? Well, because people like you and I aren't interested in relationships in the same way as other people. We are a niche of many other niches; we have to try a little harder than others by default. That's okay, but it doesn't mean that we inherently limit our dating pool a little bit for our happiness. The smaller your dating pool, the higher your chances of not finding someone.

And that's okay. That's the beauty of demisexuality, frankly. Because as I've said multiple times: we're interested in people we care about, people we can trust. We need long term attachment before we want to be deeply intimate. And isn't that just NICE? We have a nonstop objective, and it has a very easy starting line: after we get to know someone. We don't have to worry about hook-ups and walks of shame, we don't have to worry about will-they-won't-they. All we have to worry about is making a cool friend to spend our time with. If it gets to the part where we want to do naughty stuff with that friend, that's just a bonus honestly.

Just be sure not to isolate yourself from the dating pool because of your preferences. Don't be afraid to enter relationships just because you don't think it will work out. If YOU are declining more than 50% of the offers you receive because you're not sure, then you become the problem. As much as your sexuality is dictated by trust and commitment, it does mean inevitably you have to try to commit. Because however things end up, you're the master of your own destiny.