inescapabledreams

[inescapabledreams]

Briana T.

I found this in my saved emails today. It’s from 2011. I don’t know who I was back then or why I did the things I did but I do know that I am someone completely different now.

This might be stupid that I’m being this email up from literally 8 years ago but I know that I owe you an apology for who I used to be and the things I used to do. I have your email below and my response below that.

I Am So Sorry.

“Let me begin by stating that I did not have any prior knowledge of you asking the others why I was mad at you… nice job giving me something else to be frustrated about. I just so happen to own a mouth and just because I wasn’t talking to you like I usually do did not mean that it was out of function. There was no reason for you to ask them if they knew anything because anything that they knew would have been second hand information. Yes, I was mad but if you had asked me I would not have had a problem with explaining to you what the problem was. But no, the first day after the incident I got on the bus and you were sitting there staring out the window with your arms crossed. That is the kind of drama that I am talking about. Even though you were mad about something from the night before you could have at least acknowledged my presence. The night before, I had simply stated information that you already knew, that you had cracked and totally lost it and flipped out for no relevant reason. I wanted to talk about it and try to understand but you never gave me the chance. That was when I decided that I was no longer going to treat you like a child and let you have your way by me initiating the conversation. I have thought about it over the past couple of days and I have come to the realization that your breaking point was also mine. I realize now that I was not so much upset by the whole lunch meltdown but rather everything that you have ever done kind of snowballed and I just couldn’t take it anymore. The more and more I have thought about it the more I realize that the guys I have told you about that I liked this year I no longer like and it’s because of you. You have ragged on all of them and pointed out their flaws like any human is without flaws. All the things you said about them continuously played over and over again in my head until I actually started to believe them and I started to detach myself from what could have been an actual relationship. Also, whenever I would tell you things, and I don’t open up to many people, you would never take anything seriously or you would change the conversation to yourself and I just sunk further back in my shell. I felt that if not even you would listen why should I bother telling other people because they definitely wouldn’t understand. When you began to discuss your self-harming tendencies I wanted to be there for you and I wanted to be someone you felt you could turn to. Then, it seemed like you started to treat yourself as a circus act and you would just show it to everyone and talk about it like it was nothing almost like it didn’t matter to you, it was just a fact of life. Newsflash, it isn’t. I’m not going to blame you for my newfound slight depression but being around a negative environment can’t be helping me. I don’t want to be one of the friends that you lose but I can’t ask you to change your ways either. This is honest and real, I am not trying to be rude, you need help. You are losing control and pills are not enough. If you ever need me to come with you to ask for help I am there for you but please get help. If you don’t help yourself I will because I cannot stand what is becoming of you. I realize that you were never the happy-go-lucky girl you appeared on the surface but I doubt that you were as miserable as you are now. I’m upset that you cannot see how beautiful you really are. And that is why I am mad.”

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I did things and said things that are so unforgivable and I am so so sorry. I was going through some old posts and old emails when I came across some stuff that I can’t even begin to understand now. The things I wrote and the things that I said are appalling. I think I somehow tricked myself into forgetting how bad things were back then. I have a vague memory of being messed up but when I look at the things I wrote it goes beyond messed up. Looking back I don’t know how you ever started becoming my friend but I am so grateful that you were, even just for the small amount of time you were in my life. I understand now why and how our friendship ended. I think I’ve always wondered how we stopped being friends but I never really dug deep to find out. I somehow blocked out how bad I was from my memory. Now I see. Now I read the things I wrote and I understand what you saw back then. Before I thought everything I wrote was normal. Now I see that I was so beyond that I’m now surprised I wasn’t in inpatient care at some points. You saw how bad I was before I could and you tried to help me. I am so grateful that when I hated myself and everything around me you tried to help. I am so sorry I could not see that back then. I am sorry that I projected my own personal struggles onto you. I only saw flaws in myself so when I looked at others I had to find flaws in them too. I wanted so badly to be normal that I tried to bring other people down to my level of hurt. I think deep down I wanted to not be alone in my brain anymore, I wanted others to know how much they were flawed so that I could feel normal. If I didn’t see flaws in others then that would mean I was the only messed up one, I was the only one with insecurities. If everyone else also felt insecure then I would be normal again. I didn’t realize what I was doing back then until I read your old email today. Now I see that I was primarily projecting my hurt onto you. I am so sorry that I ever put that on you. I’m not looking for forgiveness because what I did back then is truly unforgivable, I am only trying to finally close that dark chapter in my life. I blocked it all out for so long that I completely forgot about the darkest parts of me and my past. I know that there is a real possibility that maybe you haven’t even thought about me since high school and that is completely normal, but I also know that sometimes things like this can really affect someone for years to come without them realizing it. I could be bringing something up that maybe you have completely forgotten about and I’m just dredging up bad memories. in that small percent chance that you ever think about this I want you to know how sorry I am now that I see it all from the outside in. It’s been almost 8 years I think since I saw you last but every Christmas I still remember watching you dance in the nutcracker and it’s one of the few good memories I have from high school. I don’t expect to hear anything back and that’s okay, I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for the past and I’m so grateful knowing that you cared for me back when I couldn’t even care for myself. I really hope that you are doing well and that you are just as successful in life as I always knew you would be. -Dallas

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why do you take so many pictures of yourself and post them on here... isn't it awkward that NO ONE ever even likes them ?

I got this message a long time ago when I was in high school. I’m now 24 and many times over the years I’ve come back to this message not quite knowing how to answer this. When I first read this I felt so ashamed of myself, like yeah why do I post these? I knew that I never got likes on them and I was too embarrassed to post these picture on Facebook or Instagram because I knew I wouldn’t get likes there either. I didn’t want people that I knew in person to see my pictures and see that I didn’t have any likes and laugh at me. Back then validation from others was so important to me.

I posted pictures on tumblr because I felt like tumblr was a judgment free zone for me. I could express my dark thoughts without someone running to my family or to a school counselor. I felt comfortable like this was my only outlet to really be myself. I would post my pictures on here because I felt pretty in them. I very rarely actually felt good about myself so when I did I would snap a picture. Believe me when I say how hard it was to even post any of those pictures. I was embarrassed because I thought no one else would like those pictures as much as I liked how I felt in them. The minute I got this message I felt so ashamed and embarrassed and why would I ever get the chance to feel good about myself? This message made me distrust my own judgment and it really made me feel so sick. I doubted myself. I felt disgusted with myself. No one likes these pictures. They’re right I’m ugly. I don’t deserve to feel pretty. People shouldn’t have to see my ugly pictures on their feed. This post reinforced everything negative I ever felt about myself.

I know that that’s a lot to put on some stupid anonymous message.

I’m so glad that I’ve grown into the person I am today because now I would never let something like this make me feel down. I feel so good and happy and pretty and no one has the power to take that away from me. It’s been a long 7 years since i got this message and in those 7 years I have learned a lot. I don’t care what other people thing of me because the most important opinion of me is my own. I love myself. I don’t need validation from others anymore. This post doesn’t affect me anymore and I just want the person who sent this to realize how much they helped me get to this point. I don’t hate you and I don’t pity you. I thank you.

[inescapabledreams]

I’m not angry with you, I was being playful. I stabbed you with my fun knife

[inescapabledreams]

if you find bones in the forest, sit a bit and listen. they are old and have some good stories to tell. maybe they’ll teach you a spell or two, or explain where the water on our planet came from.

if you find bones by the ocean, run. don’t look back. run, faster, faster. the sea may love you but there are nights where she knows neither mercy nor science, and the bones warn you only once.

[inescapabledreams]

[inescapabledreams]

$50,000 immediately dropped into my bank account wouldn't improve EVERYTHING but boy it sure would be a grand, sexy little start to a good, happy life path, don't you think

[inescapabledreams]

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

[inescapabledreams]

self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the Fucking void

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I mean I guess I could try dressing as an actual member of society, instead of a disheveled, hungover swamp witch, but the question is why

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I’m in THE most insane predicament, details forthcoming

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since april fool’s day is tomorrow i would like to remind everyone that my entire existence is a massive joke

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ha?

every single person who reblogs this

every

single

person

will get “doot doot” in their ask box

[inescapabledreams]

Netflix Pitch?

Would anyone object if I pitched a Pitch Perfect Netflix Series called:

Pitch Perfect: The Barden Years

It would be four seasons long. Each season following Beca & The Bellas.

Season 1: Freshman Year

Season 2: Sophomore Year

Season 3: Junior Year

Season 4: Senior Year

Each season would have 9 episodes (apart from Season 4). Each episode would follow a different Bella during that year but of course storylines would interweave with one another (e.g. it’s highly likely a lot of Ashley’s episode would share similar scenes with Jessica’s episode because they’re so often together).

And to keep things interesting there would always be some unanswered questions until a later episode (ie Fat Amy turns up late to an important practice one day and we have no idea why until her episode later in the season when we find out she’s actually been hooking up with Bumper who was back for the weekend for some reason..)

Season 1:

Episode 1: Beca

Episode 2: Lilly

Episode 3: Jessica

Episode 4: Ashley

Episode 5: Cynthia-Rose

Episode 6: Stacie

Episode 7: Fat Amy

Episode 8: Aubrey

Episode 9: Chloe

Season 2:

Episode 1: Beca

Episode 2: Flo

Episode 3: Cynthia-Rose

Episode 4: Jessica

Episode 5: Lilly

Episode 6: Stacie

Episode 7: Ashley

Episode 8: Fat Amy

Episode 9: Chloe

Season 3:

Episode 1: Fat Amy

Episode 2: Stacie

Episode 3: Ashley

Episode 4: Chloe

Episode 5: Cynthia-Rose

Episode 6: Jessica

Episode 7: Lilly

Episode 8: Flo

Episode 9: Beca

Season 4:

Episode 1: Emily

Episode 2: Flo

Episode 3: Cynthia-Rose

Episode 4: Lilly

Episode 5: Stacie

Episode 6: Ashley

Episode 7: Jessica

Episode 8: Fat Amy

Episode 9: Chloe

Episode 10: Beca

There will be a scene featuring a drunk game of ‘spin the bottle’. There will always be a ‘hoodnight party’ scene. The final scene of each episode will be the featured Bella finishing for Summer break. A road trip between Beca & Chloe will happen during spring break in Season 3. The end of season 1 episodes will be The Bellas having a convo about who is getting which room in The Bellas House. There will be an argument between two Bellas about food. There will be someone complaining about the hot water being used up. There will be someone nagging about paying the bills. There will be a scene in the year when they all come down with bad colds. Each Bella will have their birthday celebrated during their episode (Chloe will be key organiser).

The final scene of each episode in Season 4 will be The Bellas promising they’ll always stay in touch forever. Season 4 Episodes 8/9/10 will have a final scene featuring Beca, Chloe and Fat Amy lugging their stuff into their new studio apartment in Brooklyn..

If everyone’s keen then I’ll try to get in touch with Netflix..

[inescapabledreams]

[inescapabledreams]

black cats are wonderful because you can stare into the void and not only does the void stare back, sometimes it trots up to you happily and begs for pats