inkhansky

[inkhansky]

Gone

Sometimes, I wonder if I just disappear one day, how long would it take people to notice.

Maybe it's people from work, but if it happened on a friday afternoon, then they probably won't notice until tuesday?

Maybe it's that friend since the snap streak will be gone? It's kinda funny how our connection is all hanging on a thin fragile thread of a snap streak.

Maybe it's mom, if she happens to call out of the blue. She has to deal with so many things right now that I'm probably not that high on the list right now. Am I ever though?

I'm not even that sad over this fact, just found it a little funny. This makes me wonder what I am even doing here in this world, just floating aimlessly, waiting for that natural relief.

I still remember the first time I wished that I could spontaneously disappear was when I was in 8th grade. Just go to bed one day and never wake up, or just vaporize in the middle of the day, with out warning. I don't want to die but I do fantasize about death. I'm lonely but I'm afraid of forming any relationship, because that would be just one more thing I have to worry about if I was to be gone one day. I don't want anyone to mourn me, because if they don't even remember me while I'm alive then they don't deserve to be sad when I'm gone. Maybe I should leave a note like that somewhere, just in case something happens.

I might have protected my peace a little too well I guess. Not a bad thing though.

[inkhansky]

Sick.

Nothing can makes you feel lonely quite like being sick and alone.

I don’t get sick that often. I do get colds from time to time but those have always been manageable. But being sick with a 100F+ fever is quite rare. The uncomfortable feeling, the body aching,… All of these make me wish to be cared for. As much as how independent I am and how I can totally handle it, it would be nice to have someone checking on me, at least.

But, reality is I’m not anyone’s priority, even to my own family. It’s the curse of being too independent I guess. She is so healthy that she would never get sick. She is afraid of bothering others so she would rather suffer in silent than saying something.

Time like this, I feel so alone. It would be nice if there was someone to remind me to drink more water, to watch over me and make sure that my fever isn’t getting worse. Or just be here to reassure me that I’m not alone. But in the end, it’s just me, all by myself.

I know it sucks but you will be alright (:

[inkhansky]

Hi mom,

you probable will never see this, and I hope you won't. Today, i suddenly had a realization about something from one of our conversation. It's about me and my love life, and I just want to ask you, do you even want me to be happy? Or do you just really want me to be alone forever? Do you think that your daughter is so unlovable and insufferable that she would be so miserable if she get married? Because, you sounds like it when you mention how the psychic told you that I would get married when I'm much older. You said you felt terrible when you heard that. Is the idea of me geting married that horrible?

Now, I'm starting to doubt if I truly love to be alone or I'm just a people pleaser, so I decided to stay alone just to make you happy. I don't deny that I'm having a lot of fun with my life and being in a romantic relationship is not even on my list of things. But, I'm not against it, you know. I don't seek it but I'm not running away from it either. If I happen to meet someone and we are compatible, I wouldn't tell them that I can't be with them because you said that I'm impossible to be with. I guess in your eyes, I'm just that insufferable.

I don't want to blame it all on you, but I have realized that you contributed to how I see myself. I'm fat, ugly, dumb, useless, have a weird rigid personalities (I guess that's what happened when I tried to set some boundaries), and just overall so horrible that I would be doing the world a favor by staying alone, right? You know, it's hard for me to think positive of myself when my own mother telling me things like these for almost 30 years. You constantly tell me how I have it so good, like I don't deserve it at all.

Sometimes, I tried to reason with myself how you are just being an asian parent, and you don't know how to give complements. But then I see you give complements to others, and the reasons I built starts to crumble. You talk about how other people confined in you, but I never have that chance, because either you don't take me serious, or anything I told you would be used against me later. You know, having interests doesn't mean I'm mentally a child. I'm almost 30. I have my own thoughts too. I wonder if you even know how much I went through, from being traumatized, to dealing with suicidal thoughts, having anxiety, and other stuff. I appear that I have no worries because if I let those get to me to the point that they show on the outside, I would get eaten alive by them. So yes, you will never see me sad, because I have learnt to build the wall so high and so thick that I accidentally buried my soul and my emotions somewhere in there.

Writing these down makes me realized how much I have been holding on, how lonely I am that I have no one I can talk to that I have to write things out on a blog. Maybe you are right after all, I'm just that insufferable and that's why I have no friend.

Don't worry mom, I promise you, as long as you are alive, you won't have to witness me making someone's life miserable by marrying them.

Your daughter.

[inkhansky]

sometimes, I blindly trust people, just to get stabbed in the back and reminded once again that I don't matter. My entire existence is just a joke. Nothing I do matters. My say has no weight. My feeling, what is that? If I disappear into thin air tomorrow, the world moves on, there would probably no impact on anyone. My job? they will just find a new person. My family? they would probably be like "well, too bad." Friends? I don't have anyone that is close enough to wonder where I am if i don't reach out to them.

Sometimes, I wonder if something is wrong with me, I'm terrible at making friend, and even worse as maintaining those friendships. I feel lonely when I don't have a close friend, but I don't want to get too close to people because it's just so much more terrible when I'm betrayed by people I consider "close."

Of course, it hurts a little when my "friend" decided that they rather spend their time doing thing that they don't like, with people they hate instead of hanging out with me, when I'm only here for a short period of time. But, of course, I would tell them to do what they want, because who cares about what I feel right?

Sometimes, I just want to cut off all contacts and just go on with live until I can finally be done with this. Just work, make enough money to keep a roof over my head, and food in my fridge. I'm just tired of playing a functional human being. I think, if I have a wish right now, I wish that I didn' feel anything at all, or better yet, just erase my existence. No one knows me or remember me, I just want to be nothing.

This might sounds depressing, but I'm just tired. Tired of trying too hard, just to be reminded that I am nothing.

[inkhansky]

Funny

Sometimes, life is funny.

This time 2 years ago, I started a a dead end job, hoping that in 2 years, all these experience will be worth it. Who would have thought, 2 years later, I'm 1 year into my career, moved to a whole new state, living well on my own, oficially bought a new phone with my own money.

If someone told me this 5 years ago, this is what my life would be, I would laugh and tell them that they are very optimistic, even I don't that much trust in myself. But here I am.

Life in funny sometimes.

For a long time, I believed that I'm unattractive and unlovable, so I just jump into a relationship with whomever showed a slight interest in me, and gave them everything I had. But after having what I thought my whole world taken away, I found what truly matter. Myself.

I can't sit here and say that I love myself, because that is a lie, a big fat one, but I don't hate her either. She has laws, but she is working on them. She isn't a model, but she is putting in effort on her appearance. She is happy sometimes, but she is lonely sometimes, and it's normal. She has friends, that she wish she had more sometimes, but she likes all her current ones. I told myself that if I will continue to be a people pleaser, she get the first priority.

I hate uncertainty and I always wish that I could somehow see the future, but time like this I'm glad that I can't, because life wouldn't feel so funny if I could.

[inkhansky]

Lonely

Suddenly I feel lonely. I like being alone, but there are time like this that I feel so lonely, like I have no one to tell them that I'm lonely. I have no one that I feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. I can't tell anyone that I'm not ok, because I don't want people to worry, and I feel bad if I make people worry. I mean I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings without any judgement, or feeling like they have to do something for me.

There was a time that I had someone that I can talk about all this stuff. It was a time that I feel like I was allowed to be emotional. But, thinking back, I don't think it was good for me. I am not meant to be emotional. As cliche as it sound, emotions made me weak. I grew up believing that I have to do everything for myself and never able to rely on anyone. Then, things changed and I started to rely on someone else beside myself at probably one of the most difficult time in my life so far. And what did I get? I was discarded the moment I needed help the most. I was right all along, I am the only person in this world that will be there for me, no one else. But it's lonely.

There is so much that my cat would listen to me before she gets annoyed and just go inside her nook to take a nap without having me disturbing her. There is a friend that so similar to me that I know they wouldn't like it if I to be dumping all this emotional crap on her. There is a friend that I don't even know we are even close enough to be talk about this stuff. There are so many people I thought about sending a message asking them if we could talk, but stopping myself as soon as the thought came out, not wanting to burden them.

So here I am, on this blog that probably no one will read, unless I randomly disappear and my family care enough to hire a PI to look into it, and they find this. Hi person who was hired to look for me. I swear I am not depressed, well maybe I am, I can't say for sure since I'm not a psychiatrist. Anyway, I lost my Switch at the airport few weeks ago. It was my fault, I was half asleep. I am so grateful that I was in a financial stage where I literally got a new one within the day. And I was able to recover almost all of my data, even one that I thought I forever lost, which I would be super devastated about, but wouldn't be able to tell anyone (talk about 770+ hours on ACNH). I have been dealing with this all by myself. I can't tell my mom because she would say that I shouldn't have spend money on something so trivial. I have come to an acceptance that my mom will never see gaming as something important. I can't tell my friend because they would think I wasted money. So here I am grieving my limited edition switch, and my first pair of custom joy-con that I did myself. It's not the monetary value that I'm grieving but the sentimental value of that thing.

Wow, that was a tangent. Maybe what I'm feeling right now is not just the random loneliness, maybe it has been building up for a while. ORRRRRRR maybe I'm just PMSing. Honestly, why is being a girl so dang hard. I don't even know if I'm actually sad or my hormones are just going crazy.

Well, at least I feel better after letting all that out.

To the unfortunate PI that has to go through all these posts. If I really disappear, I probably don't want to be found. So you can use this section to tell my family to stop looking for me, or do look for me, I'm not the one paying you, so what power do I have.

To the person who is not a PI reading this, I don't know what brought you here but you should leave. I already felt mortified by the thought of someone reading this ( as I am writing as posting this on the internet, yes).

[inkhansky]

Free

For a first time in a long time, I feel free. I feel like I'm finally where I am suppose to be, and where I want to be.

Maybe there are more challenges are waiting for me, finding a place to live, figuring out plan to move, new place, new people, and most of all, paperwork. It is time to grow up and deal with adult-y things like an actual adult I guess. I don't even know where to start. ugh

AND THE FREAKING NEWS I FOUND OUT TODAY!!!!! LIKE WHY THE HECK I CAN'T ESCAPE THESE FREAKING PEOPLE. IF I KNEW YOU ARE THERE, I WOULD CHOSE PORTLAND INSTEAD UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well, I hope I will never have to ever run into you, or ever have to think about you ever again. I am fed up with irrelevant things in my life.

Anyway, now all that is out, back to the main topic.

For once in my life, I can embrace the unknown. I would be lying if I said I'm not nervous, but at least, I know I'm not afraid. The future used to be so blurry. It was like looking through a dense fog, I couldn't see where I was going and too afraid to take any step because I might go down a wrong path. But thing are a little clearer now.

I made a promise and I'm trying my very best to keep it even though I'm not doing a very great job on that. But I'm really trying 😭 It was harder said than done.

Work is going to be interesting from now on. I can already feel the resentment from mile away. I know I did not do anything wrong, but I can't help feeling guilty and I know I shouldn't be. I hate running away, but this is one of those time that running away is the only thing I can do. I still feel bad about it though. I really don't appreciate her making me feel bad about my own life decision and invalidating my effort just because she didn't like it.

But I am free, and she can suck it.

[inkhansky]

I am not stupid

I will forever remember this day, Friday, July 29, 2022. The day I realized that I am not a worthless person like I thought I was. I am actually smart and people actually recognize it.

For the longest time, and maybe even now, I have always believed that I am dumb and I'm just faking my way through life, hoping that no one will find out. "Imposter syndromes" is what they called this. I have been living my life believing that I am unworthy of everything because I am stupid, ugly, fat, and definitely an unlovable person. I have always wanted to believe otherwise but times and times again, everything and everyone around me prove that my belief is correct. People leaving, rejections, overlooked...but it's all because I didn't try hard enough, good enough, outstanding enough. I will be never enough.

I hate applying for jobs and interviewing. I though it's waste of time, why do I put myself out there just to be put down again and again. I'm not some kind of genius who know the answer to everything, in fact I don't even know any answer. I have always been the dumbest person in the room and that's just how it is.

But this time, it was different this time. I was not faking my answers, and my interviewers seems like they like what I said. But I was still worried, what if there is someone else that give a much better answer, what would I do? The self doubt and anxiety that I have been experiencing is crazy. But this Friday, I got a phone call, from the hiring manager and he said "We like you, and we though you have potentials." He probably didn't know but those words means the world to me. If I could, I would record it and play it over and over again. I think it's the first time, anyone ever said that to me, especially, from an engineer. Those words dissolved years of self-doubt, although not all of it but probably a good chunk of it.

I have always though I am not made for engineer, but I can't see myself doing anything but engineering work. And that's why I crawled my way through school, not sure if I would even be able to get job. I was too afraid to apply. I settled for a job that is not what I want, but I was desperate and told myself that this is all I am amount to. But here I am, on the eve of the possibility to prove to myself that I am not as stupid as I thought. I am capable of learning things and I can live up to my potential.

I don't know how this will go but, it has given me a little more confident in myself.

[inkhansky]

Issues

I have many issues, and I know that but I don't really want to do anything about nor am bothered about those, but that's probably a lie, I am bothered by it, that's why I'm talking about it.

I know I have terrible commitment issue, like super bad. I can't even make decision in the freaking video game. There is no real repercussion if I made a mistake in there, but I still can't get myself to do it. Having the fear of missing out while not wanting to participate either, like dang girl, pick one. On a more serious notes, this is part of the reason why I can't start another romance relationship, those only end in either marriage or break up, and I'm sure as hell not going down that marriage route, and why would I put so much effort into someone that I know will become stranger at the end. Well, not like I can trust anyone enough to even consider having a relationship anyway.

And that's my other issue, trust issue. After all the things I have been through, I have a hard time trusting anyone with anything. To be fair, the things that I have been through may be not that bad to some people, but these small incidents slowly chipped away my faith in people. I know it's not true, but I can't help feeling like the people around me only want something from me, that's why they're talking to me, and when they're done, I'll be toss aside just like how it has been. Maybe not everyone is like that. I know it's not like that. I guess being a people pleaser, I put myself in those situations before I know it. Am I seeking for external validation, even though those validations don't even make me happy? Then what am I chasing?

I'm not even sure where I am going with this. It's just a brain dump since I haven't really write anything in a while. I went through a period of time where I was happy and content with everything, to waking up feeling like crap and finding everything annoying. I wonder when will I get out of this hole. I just want every thing to end.

I'm tired.

[inkhansky]

Happy

I usually only write things here whenever I'm overwhelmed with emotion and have no outlet, and those are usually bad ones. But today, I decided to write because I suddenly realized that I'm happy, genuinely happy and content.

It wasn't anything special. I was just having a normal evening after hanging out with friend outside. I went home, chat with another friend, play game with them a little bit, cursed the living crap out of the game RNGesus, then continue to just play some more after they got off. I suck as usual, but it didn't bother me at all. I casually played my game while chatting about random things with my friend. Then, when I felt hungry, I made some instant stir fry potato to eat with rice, then just eating while listening to music. I don't know why but I felt so relaxed and happy at the moment. No one bothering me, I could do things I want to, no pressure to please anyone but myself.

I haven't felt this way for a long time, or maybe I was just too preoccupied to enjoy these moments. I get so caught up in trying to do things for people that I forget about myself sometimes. There is not much for me to say about it since I'm not used to feeling happy, it's sad but that's just how it is. With that being said, I still appreciate these small moment of happiness. I just hope this won't be the last.

[inkhansky]

Happy Independence Day!!!

It's not the one that people think about. It's the 3rd anniversary of my freedom, the beginning of me realizing that I don't have to burn myself to keep other warm.

Today, I also woke up earlier than usual, filling with anguish, but because I effing missed the fan meeting at 4 am ㅠ.ㅠ I spent real money on that. I think this is such a funny coincidence how the day that I broke up with my ex-bf would also be the anniversary for the boys. It's like the universe sending me a message saying that "You don't need that piece of garbage, here's 9 boys that will keep you happy." I wishes I have found them earlier, then I wouldn't feel so lost like I was 3 years ago. Thinking about it, it would be so funny if I was like "Yea yea, we broke up, good bye. Now go away, I need to spend today with my boys." LOL

Anyway, normally, I would only write something here when I have too much pent up emotion that I need an outlet where I can feel like I'm making it public but also no one would know about it. But, today is different. Today, I just woke up too early and had nothing to do, so I just thought it would be nice to write something to commemorate the day where I feel completely free from the ghost of my past. I have no longer had dreams where you came back to me, and even if you did, I would feel extremely disgusted. I have no longer thought about you when I heard a love song. I have no longer reminded of you when I see certain things. These things happens so naturally over time that I didn't notice, then, one day, I finally found myself no longer need you. (pun totally intended, iykyk ;] hehe) (gosh, if you're rereading this in the future, please don't cringe too hard, it's the boys' anniversary, just accept it.) (Note#2: suddenly felt like, that person isn't not worth that much thought on this post, but I don't want to waste my effort by deleting what I already typed out so I decided to cross it out instead)

Anyway, why the eff would I believed myself that I would only "take a nap" at like 2.30 am and would wake up at 4 for that thing, ugh. Out of alllllllll the days of insomnia, today would be the day that my body wants to sleep ㅍ_ㅍ ughhhhhhhhhh. It's good that you slept, but ughhhhhhh. Now go back to sleep, you only had like 2 hours of sleep, you already missed the thing, might as well have a good sleep. lol

[inkhansky]

Important

I used to think a lot of people are important to me, like a "What have I done with my life without you?" But the answer is I would have been fine with or without you. You might had added some value into my life in general, but without you I would have some other things instead of what you brought, so yes, without you, the people that would never see this (unless someone see this and decide to public this against my wish), I'm completely and perfectly fine without you. And if I had ever told you how important you are, sad to break it to you but I lied. I lied so I can fit in with the norm, so I can boost your ego. The truth is, you are just like everyone else in my life, a meh presence, one that I'll tolerate if it's here, but without, I wouldn't care enough to be bothered by.

But if, you're not that important, why do I bother writing this whole thing about you. Well, I don't know. I just want to write down things that in my head sometimes. By getting things like these out, I don't have to keep them in my head, leaving room for things that are actually important to me.

To be completely honest, I don't even know what are important to me anymore. Maybe I'm suicidal, or just morbid, but everything seems so temporary to me, even my life, that I can technically end it at anytime. But I'm still here because I'm bind to responsibilities and the fear of inconveniencing other. Like. I could literally end my life right here, no regret, it's a "been there, done that, -10/10 would totally talk you out of it, totally not worth it" kind of thing, but then with me dying people will be sad ( or at least I assume so, or they could be like, omg that bitch finally leaves, who knows) which make me feel like I inconvenienced people with me dying. so the conclusion for this is that I need to live long enough to outlive the people who would be affected my my death, meanwhile, live the most low-key life, so no new people with be added to that list, and make enough money so that my death won't be a financial burden to anyone. Dang, life sounds like a freaking drag lol.

So in the end, I'm the most important person in my life, and I don't even see myself as that important, so yeah, you, who will never see this, are not as important to me as I told you, after all, you're just a brain dump to me.

[inkhansky]

Death

I don’t understand why people always treats death like a bad thing. The way I see it, being born or dying are just the same. Some birth are a joyous occasions, but some are not, same with death. 

If a person had life a full life, a natural death is more like a “good job, you did well, and it’s time for you to rest now.” Or if a person with terminal illness and their days are just filled with pain and drugs, wouldn’t it be better to let go? Less pain for them and people around them. Maybe, because I live in the U.S. but I rather just die quickly than staying in the hospital, hoping for some miracle while my hospital bills just racking up. Let say a miracle happened and I lived, I would still have to deal with my hospital bills, then I would honest wish that I’d pass away. But in a more realistic way, I didn’t survive after days of suffering in pain, people around me suffering while watch me being in pain. Then they have to deal with my hospital bills. Like why??? 

Why do people suffer so much in the name of humanity. Isn’t it more humane to end a person suffering early. I guess that’s where the DNR comes in. But still, when an old person pass away due to natural causes, I don't find it to be sad. If you treat the person right while they’re still alive, you would not have regret when they pass away. 

Maybe I’m just too cold-hearted, too cynical, but that’s just how I see things. I don't really want people to remember me, it would be best if I could die alone so I could truly peacefully die without having any concern of bothering anyone. I live my life trying my best not to be a nuisance to anyone, so I would like to die that way too. Is it sad to say that I don't make deep connections with people because I don't want them to be sad when I die? But do I want it out of consideration toward other people or I just don't want to be bothered by the fact that people concerns about me? 

I like having no string attached to anything or anyone. That gives me a sense of freedom where as I can leave this depressing place whenever I want to. Not like I want to but it’s just nice to have options.

Not all deaths are losses, not all births worth celebrating. It’s just life, so I just try to make the best of of it while I’m still forced to be here. 

[inkhansky]

Debt

I don’t like it it when people do big, grant things for me, because when those things happens, I feel like I’m in debt to that person. A debt that no matter what I do I can’t never pay it back.

Maybe it’s the way I was raised. Maybe it’s the people I have been encountering. They always do things that I didn’t ask for, saying that “because they want to,” then, somewhere along the way, they would turn around and started listing out all the things they “sacrificed” for me. Is it really for me when I didn’t want it, didn’t ask for it, and constantly rejecting it? Is it really for me when I didn’t need it but still was forced to accept it?

I’m afraid of asking for help because it could be a “favor” that I can never return, but when I help people, I don’t expect anything in return because either my expectations of other people are low, or I’m just so used to people not returning the favor. I was taught that affection is to be earned, nothing is “unconditional.” I don’t know why I competed so hard to be the “favorite child,” by bending over backward trying to prove myself, and now, I have became the the “responsible child.” I did it for the praise that I never got, instead I got the “she will do everything.” And now I wish to be known as the “irresponsible child,” or the “she doesn’t know anything.”

Sometimes, I get so unmotivated, simply because I have done so much and nothing goes the way that I hope. Now, I just don’t feel like doing anything, because why would I? Why would I put myself through all these shits and not only not getting anything but more shits in the end. Maybe I’m suicidal, maybe I’m not, but every night, I go to bed, secretly hope that something would happen to me in my sleep so that I would never have to wake up again. That way, no one is going to blame me, or themselves, and I can finally get what I need, some peace and quiet.

[inkhansky]

he is a whole mood

doyoung : nct 24hr relay cam

[inkhansky]

his hair 😍

renjun vlive ♡ 210226

[inkhansky]

210307 CHENLE Weibo Update

“My heart melted 🙂🙂”

Translated by highonmilktea - SM_NCT